George: Oh, boy I was up to four in the morning watching the Omen trilogy.
Jerry: That's good stuff.
George: I can't to myself. I'm exhausted.
Jerry: Can you grab a nap at work.
George: Not with that big glass window looking out into the hall. I'd love a good nap. That's the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning. I'll see ya'.
Elaine: Bye.
Jerry: So what are you doing now?
Elaine: I'm going to take a little stroll through the park.
Jerry: With a gentleman caller?
Elaine: Yes, his name is Hal.
Jerry: The walking date is a good date. You don't have to look right at the other -person.
Elaine: It's the next best thing to being alone.
Jerry: Shower?
Kramer: No, pool. I just swam 200 laps.
Elaine: You are kidding.
Kramer: Look at hose babies [hands]. They're prunes. I saw Conrad going up to oyur place.
Elaine: Oh, yeah, that's right. Those new kitchen cabinets. How is that coming?
Jerry: A little slow. I've got to hold this guy's hand on every little decision.
Elaine: Hey, Kramer, listen, you've seen the Omen right?
Elaine: What exactly was that kid?
Kramer: Who, Damien? Nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid.
Wilhelm: Oh, George, have you seen the American league directory? It is a big green book. Oh, thanks kiddo.
Hal:
Elaine: Well I don't care. It was delicious.
Elaine: Wanna sit down?
Hal: Oh, I don't sit on park benches. They're very bad for the back.
Elaine: Really?
Hal: I threw my back out about 15 years ago. Ever since I have been very careful. I only buy furniture in the ergonomics store.
Elaine: Oh those places have the stupidest names. Like, uh, "Back in ", or "Good Vertibrations".
Hal: Not this one. It's called the "Lumbar Yard".
Conrad: Oh, Jerry are you okay with this hinge?
Jerry: Yeah.
Conrad: I can get you any kind you want, you know. Four holes, three holes, two holes, bronze, no hinge at all.
Jerry: You know, why don't we just go with the one in your hand?
Conrad: Oh, these are different.
Jerry: Drop one. . . . left!
George: Jerry, look at my eyes.
Jerry: A little less beady today.
George: Because I'm REFRESHED. I finally found a way to sleep in my office. Under the desk. I lie on my back. I tuck in the chair. I'm invisible.
Jerry: Sounds like a really cool fort.
Conrad: Jerry, do you want a flat edge on this molding or do you want me to bevel it?
Jerry: I'll tell you what I would like you to do with it.
George: Conrad, is it?
Conrad: Conrad, Connie, or Con, whatever you prefer.
George: Uh, let me ask you a question. Could you, uh, expand the space underneath a desk to give it a little more headroom?
Jerry: He's kind of tied up here.
George: It'll have to be a night job anyway. You don't normally work after dinner, do you?
Conrad: There is no normal, whatever jerry wants. He wants me here late, I'm here late, he wants me here early, I'm here early, he . . .
Jerry: Why don't you just work on George's project for a while?
Conrad: Whatever you want.
Jerry: So how was Wednesday's walk in the park with Hal.
Elaine: Uh, it was okay,. He's coming over later to watch a movie. Hey listen, what's better for your back? Couch cushions or a folding chair?
Jerry: I don't know.
Elaine: Uh, maybe we'll just stand and watch the tv. [knock knock]. I gotta go someone's at my door. Yeah!
Delivery Guy: Delivery. Elaine Benes?
Elaine: Yeah.
Delivery Guy: We're from the Lumbar Yard, we got your mattress.
Elaine: Mattress, I didn't order a mattress. Who sent this? Hal Kitzmiller?
George: Do you think it might be possible to add a little shelf like, uh, for an alarm clock?
Conrad: You mean like that big?
George: Like this.
Conrad: Yeah, I can do that.
George: Thanks. You know this could sound crazy but, what do you think about adding a drawer for - like a blanket?
Conrad: Blanket or quilt?
George: Blanket.
Conrad: That thick?
George: Maybe like this.
Conrad: Like that?
George: Yeah, like that.
Conrad: If that is what you want.
George: That is what I want.
Conrad: Hey George, you want this cup holder mounted on the left, or the right, or the middle, . . .
George: Whatever!!. . . . Oh oh oh this is unbelievable. This is better than my bed at home.
George: Its been a long night. You go home and get some sleep.
Conrad: If that's what you want.
George: That's what I want.
Wilhelm: Morning George.
George: Good morning Mr. Wilhelm.
Kramer: got problems Jerry.
Jerry: What happened?
Kramer: Well I had been swimming for three hours and I was in a real grove so I decided to keep going. But at ten they start the aquasonics Thirty-five geriatrics throwing elbows. It was like I was swimming through a flabby armed spanking machine.
Jerry: How long did that last?
Kramer: A half hour then diving class started. Well that got a little messy. I gotta find a new place to swim 'cause that pooll can't hold me, Jerry.
Jerry: How was the movie?
Elaine: I cancelled. Hal sent a mattress to my apartment. The nerve of that guy.
Jerry: Why?
Elaine: He's got a back problem.
Jerry: So you think he was expecting a roll in the supportive hay.
Elaine: After one date!
Kramer: What's that guy's last name again?
Elaine: Kitzmiller.
Kramer: Oh, that's right.
Jerry: So what are you going to do with the mattress?
Elaine: I don't know. Chuck it?
Kramer: Oh, no no no no I'll take it. Why don't you come over. Let's see if it will fit in my bedroom.
Elaine: Oh, all right.
Kramer: My old one sprung a leak.
Elaine: You have a water bed?
Kramer: Sand! It's like sleeping on the beach.
Conrad: Hi, Jerry I'm sorry I'm late. George and I have been up working all night long. I can make up the time in any number of ways.
Jerry: How about this? . . . Finish this thing up today!
Conrad: Couple of questions for you.
Jerry: No. No more questions. Just figure it out for yourself and get it done.
Conrad: All right Jerry. But I can figure it out myself any way you want.
Jerry: Just . . . do it.
Steinbrenner: Costanza? Where's Costanza? . . . Excus mois? Have you seen Costanza?
Secretary: I've seen him around.
Steinbrenner: Um, I'm stuck on this song yesterday. I can't seem to get it out of my head. I don't know the name of that. "She's a heart breaker, love taker . . ..Oh. Oh" . . .very catchy. You know what? I can't stay awake for that guy. What is this? People? Um, the most beautiful people people. Ally Selica, Nothing wrong with that uh?
Hal: Elaine, your taking this totally the wrong way. That's not what Ii intended.
Elaine: Well, what did you intend, Hal?
Hal: I just wanted you to have the comfort and report you deserve. That's why I had the mattress custom designed for you.
Elaine: Custom designed?
Hal: They adjust the foam density and spring tension to your body type. I estimated your height and weight. Five eight, about 110 pounds?
Elaine: Uh, that is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.
Hal: So you do like the mattress?
Elaine: Oh, I love it. I'm glad . . . I kept it.
Father: Over there, that's Brooklyn . That's where Spike Lee lives.
Son: Hey, there's a man swimming in the water.
Father: Naw, that's probably just a dead body son. You see when the mob kills someone they through the body in the river.
Kramer: Jer.
Jerry: Hi.
Kramer: Well my swimming pool problems are solved. I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes.
Jerry: What is that smell?
Kramer: That's East River.
Jerry: You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?
Kramer: Technically Norfok has more gross tonnage.
Jerry: How could you swim in that water?
Kramer: I saw a couple of other guys out there.
Jerry: Swimming?
Kramer: Floating, they weren't moving much. But they were out there.
Elaine: (on phone) Hey, Kramer, it's Elaine, thanks for bringing my mattress back. And I guess I'll just get my spare key from you - whenever. All right, bye.
Elaine: Oh, this is a good mattress. Sniff, sniff, Ugh!
Steinbrenner: What is with this guy? I've been waiting three and a half hours. Should I go? No way Jack! ??? at the registrar again, I'll tell you that.
Seconrad: Mr. Steinbrenner?
Steinbrenner: That's what they call me.
Seconrad: Your grandchildren are here to see you.
Steinbrenner: Oh, well, send them in. Send the little tykes in. little people .. pony express wow,
Jerry: (on phone) hello.
George: Jerry, I'm trapped under my desk. Steinbrenner is in the room. You got to help[ me.
Jerry: Who is this?
George: Jerry, . . .
Brady: Hi,
George: Sh, sh, goodbye, sh, get away.
Brady: Hi, I'm Brady.
George: ?? get away??
Jerry: Why don't you just have him paged?
George: Can't you think of something. Call in a bomb threat.
Jerry: A bomb threat? Why would I call in a bomb threat?
George: Just CALL!
Jerry: I should have some reason.
Steinbrenner: Hey you kids know tunes; see if this song rinSTEINBRENNER a bell, "Heartbreaker , . . . "
Seconrad: Mr. Steinbrenner we just received a call. There's a bomb in the building.
Steinbrenner: A bomb in the building, oh, m'god. Quick, everyone under the desk.
Steinbrenner: Boy can you think of what went through my mind when I saw there wasn't going to be enough room under that desk for me and my babies.
George: I'm sorry sir.
Steinbrenner: You know what I think? I think you knew about that bomb ahead of time.
George: What?
Steinbrenner: ???? about that bomb. You climbed under that desk because you have ESP. George, what's on my mind? . . . Meatballs! Huh? Unbelievable. Anyway this terrorist had a specific demand. Not more cheap adjustable hats on hat day. He wants fitted hats just like the players wear.
Elaine: Jerry, Jerry.
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: What the hell is this? Where are you?
Jerry: Over here. You can see right through here.
Elaine: What is this. It's like you're selling movie tickets back here.
Jerry: It's kind of cozy.
Elaine: Hey, you're not going to believe what Kramer did to my mattress. . . . I can't talk to you like this. So Kramer completely funked up my mattress.
Jerry: Does it smell like the East River?
Elaine: How did you know?
Jerry: Because Kramer has been swimming laps between the Queensborough bridge and the Brooklyn bridge.
Elaine: Oh, GREAT!
Kramer: Oh man, I'm on the wrong floor again.
Elaine: Hey, thanks for ruining my mattress. It reeks.
Kramer: Hey, you know what I think it is? I think it's that East River. I think it might be polluted.
George: Well, you really did it to me this time, Seinfeld. . . . What the hell happened here?
Elaine: Hi.
George: Hi. Look at how obtrusive this is.
Elaine: It is obtrusive, isn't it?
Kramer: It is very obtrusive.
Jerry: I don't think it's that bad.
Kramer: You can't get a stool in here.
Jerry: No the stools go over there.
Kramer: No, that's no good. I'm leaving.
Elaine: I'm with you. I'm going back to my place.
George: Fitted Hat Day! That's what you asked Steinbrenner for?
Jerry: You mean they're actually doing the fitted hats? Cool.
George: Guess who he put in charge of Fitted Hat Day? Me.
Jerry: Hey look at you.
George: Yeah, look at me. Now I GOTTA FIGURE OUT THE HAT SIZES OF 59,000 DIFFERENT PEOPLE!! WHAT IF A PINHEAD SHOWS UP. I GOTTA BE ON TOP OF THAT.
Jerry: No knock offs. I want the ones like the real players wear.
George: ??? KNOCK OFFS. I NOT GOING TO DO IT! AND YOU'RE GOING TO CALL STEINBRENNER BACK AND CANCEL THE WHOLE THING.
Jerry: Could you at least get a hat for me?
George: FINE? WHAT SIZE?
Jerry: Seven and five eighths
George: SEVEN AND FIVE EIGHTHS!!
Jerry: Why are you shouting?
George: I DON'T KNOW. It's this place. I'm very uncomfortable here.
Hal: So are you liking the mattress?
Elaine: I am totally loving it. Uh, you know we should um get going.
Hal: What is that smell?
Elaine: What smell?
Hal: I think it's the mattress. Did something happen to it.
Elaine: No no, oh, you know what that is? I um, went claming the other day and I forgot to hose off my boots.
Hal: Claming?
Elaine: Yeah, clam and scallop. I clam and scallop.
Steinbrenner: Yes, yes, come in.
George: Sir, I just got a call from the terrorist. I told him to call back here.
Steinbrenner: Just let me ask you something. Is it "February" or " February"? Because I prefer "Febuary" and what is this "ru"?
George: Let me put that on speaker phone.
Steinbrenner: Hello are you the bomber?
Jerry: Yes this is the terrorist bomber.
Steinbrenner: Costanza here is busting his ass on those hats.
Jerry: think I've changed my mind.
Steinbrenner: You don't want them, then goodbye.
George: ??? sir.
Steinbrenner: Well what do you want instead?
Jerry: What?
Steinbrenner: Well, you're the terrorist. You're going to want something.
Jerry: I guess it would be nice if you called all the ticket holders if the game was going to be rained out.
Steinbrenner: All right George, you can handle that.
Steinbrenner: Costanza what the hell are you doing?
George: You have to stand tough sir. That's why I had to hang up the phone.
Steinbrenner: You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to run around the stadium and close all the windows. That's where I'm going, pal. And I'll tell you something else. I'm very nervous.
Elaine: Gotta get some of that stuffed crust pizza. cheese crust pizza.
Hal: It's just more cheese.
Elaine: I'll tell you something. It'll be years before they find places to hide more cheese on a pizza. Kramer!
Kramer: Oh, hey,
Elaine: Oh, hi. This is Hal. Hal, this is Kramer. Kramer, Hal.
Kramer: Hal, .. uh Langerhans.
Hal: Kitzmiller.
Kramer: Oh, Kitzmiller. That's right
Elaine: You feeling jiff?
Kramer: Oh, I'm jiff.
Hal: That smell
Kramer: Oh, listen I gotta get to the pier. The ferry traffic is really bad around four thirty. Look, I still got the key to your apartment and I'll get it back to you as soon as I can.
Elaine: Oh, baby.
George: Finished.
Hal: Kramer? Can I talk to you a minute?
Kramer: Yeah, sure, um, oh boy, . . .
Hal: Kitzmiller.
Kramer: That's it.
Hal: You and Elaine are pretty close.
Kramer: Oh, we go back a ways.
Hal: And you've, . . . how do I put this? You've been in her bed?
Kramer: That's right.
Hal: But this isn't still going on.
Kramer: No, no. She put a stop to that.
Hal: That's all I needed to know. So you actually swim in this thing?
Kramer: Oh yeah. Exercises every muscle in the body. It's great for the back.
Hal: Great for the back. Right.
Kramer: Four hours in this chop and I'm a full inch taller. . . . Giddyup.
Steinbrenner: "Heatbreaker, Brewbaker, " Hey George, I remember that tune. George? George? Um, what's that ticking. Oh oh. Oh, oooh,wo wo wo wo . [runs out] fire in the hole!
Elaine: I wouldn't believe the Lumbar Yard wouldn't pick this up. Ug, oh, okay, . . .
Conrad: You want it back the way it was?
Jerry: Yeah, that's right.
Conrad: You know I don't get you Seinfeld. You want something one day. The next day you don't like it. Come on man, make a decision.
Jerry: One second. Hello.
Elaine: Jerry you gotta help me. I threw my back out.
Jerry: Just lie down.
Elaine: I am lying down. I am trapped under a funky mattress. I gotta go get a doctor or at least come over and roll this thing off of me.
Jerry: All right. I'll be right there., Conrad I gotta go.
Conrad: Stay, go whatever.
Hal: Hey, Kramer.
Kramer: What's going on?
Hal: I told my Chiropractor how swimming in the river made my back heal. He recommended it to all his patients.
Old Man: Step aside.
Kramer: He just sunk like a stone.
George: Sir, I'm sure it's not a police matter.
Steinbrenner: Don't be so sure George. Mess with them and they're messing with you. All right boys send it in
Steinbrenner: What's that figure ahead? Is that anything? Okay, let's check the desk. That's where I heard the ticking. Search each one of those drawers starting with the top one. So, empty calories and male curiosity, eh, Georgie?
Bomb Cop: Looks like there's more compartments underneath.
Steinbrenner: Compartments underneath, that's probably where it is. Okay boys, let 'er rip. I'll tell you what George. Starting tomorrow no more desks. Just Lucite tables and four leSTEINBRENNER.
Kramer: Hey, watch where you're kicking!
Elaine: Kramer.
Kramer: Elaine
Elaine: I can't believe it. Hey, I'll meet you at the coffee shop.
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: Yeah.
George: Hi Connie, Jerry around?
Conrad: No, and I prefer "Conrad". So I heard what happened to the desk.
George: There was something so reassuring about that cozy little space.
Conrad: Yeah, well, whatever. See ya'
Jerry: Ah, back to normal. Not bad for four thousand bucks. . . . I can't believe I got the Low Fat!


George: So, Marcy, you should've seen me in the hot tub yoday.
Marcy: Why?
George: I was naked.
Marcy: Oh, George.
Jerry: I saw it.
Marcy: How'd he look?
Jerry: Okay. I wouldn't see it again.
Marcy: You know, a friend of mine thought she got Legonare's disease in the hot tub.
George: Really? What happened?
Marcy: Oh, yada yada yada, just some bad egg salad. I'll be right back. (She gets up)
Jerry: I noticed she's big on the phrase "yada yada."
George: Is "yada yada" bad?
Jerry: No, "yada yada" is good. She's very succinct.
George: She is succinct.
Jerry: Yeah, it's like you're dating USA Today. (Tim the dentist enters Monk's)
George: Hey.
Jerry: Hey, George, you know Tim Whatley.
George: Yeah, dentist of the stars.
Jerry: What's up?
Tim: I'll tell you what's up. I'm a Jew.
Jerry: Excuse me?
Tim: I'm a Jew. I finished converting two days ago.
Jerry: Well... (Thinking of something to say) Welcome aboard.
Tim: Thanks.
George: Hey, where you just at the health club?
Tim: Oh, well, I didn't do much. I just sat in the sauna. You know, it was more like a Jewish workout. I'll see ya. (Jerry and George give confused looks)
Jerry: Elaine, the guy's Jewish two days, he's already making Jewish jokes.
Elaine: So what? When someone turns twenty-one, they usually get drunk the first night.
Jerry: Booze is not a religion.
Elaine: Tell that to my father. Anyway, guess what? Beth Lookner called me.
Jerry: Ooh. Beth Lookner, still waitin' out hat marriage.
Elaine: What are you talking about? That marriage ended six months ago. She's already remarried.
Jerry: I gotta get on that internet. I'm late on everything.
Elaine: Anyway, Beth and her new husband Arnie have listed me a reference for an adoption agency. They're trying to get a baby. (Kramer and Mickey enter wearing the same shirt)
Kramer: Elaine, all right, who looks better in this shirt? Me or Mickey?
Mickey: We're double dating tonight, and if we wear the same shirt we'll look like idiots.
Elaine: Hmm, turn around. (They turn around) Both so striking.
Kramer: Tell me about it. We just picked up two women at the Gap.
Elaine: How did you decide which one of you would date which girl? (They pause then look at each other)
Marcy: So I'm on 3rd Avenue, mindin' my own business, and, yada yada yada, I get a free massage and a facial.
George: What a succinct story.
Marcy: I'm surprised you drive a Cadillac.
George: Oh, it's not mine. It's my mother's.
Marcy: Are you close with your parents?
George: Well, they gave birth to me, and, yada yada...
Marcy: Yada what?
George: Yada yada yada...
Karen: (To Mickey, wearing the shirt Elaine looked at for them) I like your shirt.
Mickey: Oh, thank you. It's 100 cotton, and some wool.
Kramer: Well, you too seem to have the same taste.
Julie: Well I like it, too.
Kramer: Well I have the same shirt.
Mickey: Yeah, well I'm wearin' it.
Julie: I like your shirt too.
Karen: Oh, so do I.
Kramer: Oh. (Waiter approaches table)
Waiter: Anything to drink? Some wine, perhaps.
Mickey: I like Merlot.
Karen: I love Merlot.
Julie: I'm crazy about Merlot.
Kramer: I live for Merlot.
Waiter: We're out of Merlot.
Agent: So you, uh, know Betha and Arnie pretty well?
Elaine: Oh, yeah, yeah.
Agent: Do you socialize with them often?
Elaine: Yeah, we got out to dinner a lot. Usually Chinese, well sometimes Thai. And we go to the movies, Arnie's a real film buff.
Agent: Oh.
Elaine: Actually, I remember this one time, um, this is funny. Um, we went to see the movie Striptease. I don't know if you've seen... doesn't matter. Anyway, I was whispering something to Beth, and Arnie leens over to me, and he goes, "Would you SHUT UP?!" I mean, he barely even knew me. Where did he get ah- But they're nice people. (Elaine tries to smile realizing her mistake)
George: Oh, you're in here.
Jerry: What're you doing here?
George: I knew you had an appointment.
Jerry: Well this is very awkward.
George: I'll leave when the guy comes in. I gotta tell you, I am loving this yada yada thing. You know, I can cross over my whole life story. (Picks up dental tool)
Jerry: Hey, you don't play with that. That's going in my mouth.
George: Hey, what this thing? Whew!
Jerry: All right, that's enough. Now get going. Get outta here. (Tim and his staff enter)
George: Hey, Tim. Quick question. Is it normal for your teeth to make noises, like a hissing or a chirping?
Jerry: George...
Tim: Um...
George: Fine, I'll make an appointment. (He leaves)
Tim: All right, it is cavity time. Ah, here we go. Which reminds me, did you here the one about the rabbi and the farmer's daughter? Huh?
Jerry: Hey.
Tim: Those aren't mahtzah balls.
Jerry: Tim, do you think you should be making jokes like that?
Tim: Why not? I'm Jewish, remember?
Jerry: I know, but...
Tim: Jerry, it's our sense of humor that sustained us as a people for 3000 years.
Jerry: 5000.
Tim: 5000, even better. Okay, Chrissie. Give me a schtickle of flouride.
Jerry: And then he asked the assistant for a schtickle of flouride.
Elaine: Why are you so concerned about this?
Jerry: I'll tell you why. Because I believe Whatley converted to Judaism just for the jokes. (Phone rings)
Phone: Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times?
Jerry: Yes. (Slams down phone. Kramer and Mickey enter)
Kramer: I don't believe that.
Mickey: If you had gotten into the backseat of the car we could've figured this whole thing out.
Kramer: Why were you holding the door open for?
Mickey: Not for you! Who holds a door open for a man?
Kramer: Well, I thought it was a nice gesture. But I guess I was wrong!
Mickey: Let's just put they're names in a hat.
Kramer: I don't even know their names! Look, why don't you just take the one that was on the left?
Mickey: I'm not sure she was my type.
Kramer: Oh, everybody's your type.
Mickey: What the hell does that mean?
Kramer: You've been married three times.
Mickey: That's it, it's go time! (Charges toward Kramer, only to be held back by Jerry and Elaine)
Jerry: All right, take it easy.
Elaine: Hey, hey, hey!
Kramer: Come on, let him go. You want throw? Let's throw!
Elaine: Hey! Hold on a second. All right, look, I got an idea. Why don't you just show up early for your next date, sit across from each other, and see who the girls sit next to.
Mickey: That's not bad.
Kramer: All right, so we let the girls decide.
Mickey: Yeah, why should we knock ourselves out?
Kramer: Yeah, I wanna wear that shirt next time.
Mickey: No, no one wears the shirt next time.
Kramer: That's right, 'cause they already saw it.
Mickey: We'll look like idiots. (They exit)
George: Well, we were engaged to be married, uh, we bought the wedding invitations, and, uh, yada yada yada, I'm still single.
Marcy: So what's she doing now?
George: Yada.
Marcy: Speaking of ex's, my old boyfriend came over late last night, and, yada yada yada, anyway. I'm really tired today.
Elaine: Beth, Arnie, hi. What's up?
Arnie: Well our adoption application was denied.
Elaine: Really.
Beth: The adoption agent seems to feel that Arnie has a violent temper.
Elaine: Oh.
Beth: So we're just asking our friends what they may have said to the adoption agent.
Elaine: Uh, you know, I just told them what kind people you are and, uh, yada yada yada, that is it.
Jerry: How you doing?
Father: I have a discomfort in my molar. (Enter Tim)
Tim: Well, the Curtis, why don't you come in? (To Jerry) Father Curtis, good guy. Oh, which reminds me, did you hear the one about the Pope and Raquel Welch on the lifeboat, huh? I'll tell you later. (Exits)
Jerry: Whatley. (Like "Newman")
Kramer: What are they doing here?
Mickey: I told you we should've gotten here a half hour early.
Kramer: All right, all right. Now what're we gonna do?
Mickey: All right, don't panic. Let's just decide now. Which one do you want?
Kramer: All right, I'll take Julie.
Mickey: I knew you wanted her. That's who I wanted.
Kramer: All right, I'll take Karen.
Mickey: No, no, you think I'm fallin' for that? I'll take Karen.
Kramer: All right, which one is Julie? (They walk over to the table and fight over who sits where) Hey, you ladies look lovely tonight. (Continue to struggle)
Jerry: So Whatley sayd to me, "Hey, I can make Catholic jokes, I used to be Catholic."
Elaine: You see, I don't think it is a Catholic joke. I think it's more of a Raquel Welch joke. What was it? No, I said hand me the buoys. (Laughing) Bouys!
Jerry: Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke telling immunity. He's already got the two big religions covered, if he ever gets Polish citizenship there'll be no stopping him.
Elaine: So what're you gonna do?
Jerry: I think this Father Curtis might be very interested to hear what Whatley has the Pope doing with Raquel Welch.
Elaine: (Calling on phone) Hey, Beth, Arnie, it's Elaine. Um, thought you guys might wanna have lunch. Gimme a call. Bye.
Jerry: They're not getting a baby so you're taking them out to lunch?
Elaine: Thought it would be nice.
Jerry: Poor Beth.
Elaine: Hey, Arnie's just as upset.
Jerry: Oh screw him! (George enters)
George: Listen to this. Marcy comes up and she tells me her ex-boyfriend was over late last night, and "yada yada yada, I'm really tired today." You don't think she yada yada'd sex.
Elaine: (Raising hand) I've yada yada'd sex.
George: Really?
Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisk, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.
Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part.
Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisk.
George: Well, I gotta do somethin'. (Walks over to bathroom. Kramer enters)
Kramer: Well, I gotta do somethin'.
Jerry: George is already in there.
Kramer: (Confused) No, Mickey and I, we can't work it out. You know, I'm thinking of asking that Karen out by myself.
Jerry: I thought you were leaning towards Julie.
Kramer: I was, but the one I thought was Julie turned out to be Karen.
George: Well it was a helluva yada yada.
Marcy: He's moving to Seattle. We wanted to say goodbye, I was just getting out of the shower, and yada yada yada-
George: All right, enough! Enough! From now on, no more yada yada's. Just give me the full story.
Marcy: Okay.
George: Tell me about the free facial.
Marcy: Okay, well, like I said I was on 3rd Avenue, and I stopped by a large department store.
George: Which one?
Marcy: Bloomingdale's.
George: Very good. Go on.
Marcy: Oh, and I stole a Piaget watch.
George: What's that?
Marcy: And then, I was on such a... high, that I went upstairs to the salon on the fifth floor, and got a massage and facial, and skipped out on the bill.
George: Shoplifting.
Marcy: Well, what about you? You told me that you were engaged. What was the rest of that? (Pause)
Jerry: Excuse me, Mother?
Nun: Sister.
Jerry: Sister, right. Do you know when Father Curtis has office hours?
Nun: Well not until tomorrow.
Jerry: Hmm, I really need to speak with him.
Father: That's a kneeler.
Jerry: Oh. (Adjusts accordingly)
Father: Tell me your sins, my son.
Jerry: Well I should tell you that I'm Jewish.
Father: That's no sin.
Jerry: Oh good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.
Father: And this offends you as a Jewish person.
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian. And it'll interest you that he's also telling Catholic jokes.
Father: Well.
Jerry: And they're old jokes. I mean, the Pope and Raquel Welch in a lifeboat.
Father: I haven't heard that one.
Jerry: Oh, I'm sure you have. They're out on the ocean and, yada yada yada, and she says, "Those aren't buoys." (Father starts laughing) Father...
Father: One second... Well, if it would make you feel better I could speak to Dr. Whatley. I have to go back and have a wisdom teeth removed.
Jerry: You know the difference between a dentist and a sadist don't you?
Father: Um...
Jerry: Newer magazines.
Father: Now if you'll excuse me. (Closes door. George enters confessional.)
George: Jerry, I gotta talk to you.
Kramer: Hi.
Karen: Hi, Kramer.
Kramer: Got a minute?
Karen: Uh, actually my parents are over, but, would you like to meet them?
Kramer: Sure.
Karen: (Parents enter and are little people like Mickey) Mom, Dad.
Kramer: Hi.
Arnie: Elaine, I have to ask you something. What exactly happened down there?
Elaine: Well, I don't know. I mean, I talked to him and, blah blah blah, he asked about you guys and, da da da da da, more questions, bleh bleh bleh...
Arnie: All right, shut up!
Elaine: Again you are telling me to shut up?
Arnie: What?
Elaine: You yelled that time at the movies. That's why you're not getting the baby.
Arnie: Oh my God. How am I gonna tell Beth?
Elaine: Look, I'll go down and talk to this adoption guy and I'll make sure that it all gets worked out.
Arnie: All right, just don't screw it up this time! (He exits)
Elaine: See, again with the yelling. Not a fan of the yelling.
Jerry: (In pain) Oh, are you about done?
Tim: I'm just getting warmed up. Because I'm just a sadist with newer magazines.
Jerry: Huh?
Tim: Father Curtis told me about your little joke.
Jerry: What about all your Jewish jokes?
Tim: I'm Jewish, you're not a dentist. You have no idea what my people have been through.
Jerry: The Jews?
Tim: No, the dentists. You know, we have the highest suicide rate of any profession?
Jerry: Is that why it's so hard to get an appointment?
Kramer: So, I'll uh... all right. (Hangs up)
Jerry: Date with Karen?
Kramer: No, Julie. She's the one.
Jerry: What happened to Karen?
Kramer: Well, Mickey and her have a lot more in common. you know her parents are little people?
Jerry: Oh, small world. So little people can have not little people children?
Kramer: Oh yeah, and vice versa. Mother Nature's a mad scientist, Jerry.
Jerry: So you won't believe what happened with Whatley today. It got back to hime that I made this little dentist joke and he got all offended. Those people can be so touchy.
Kramer: Those people, listen to yourself.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else, in search of a dream.
Jerry: Kramer, he's just a dentist.
Kramer: Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.
Jerry: I am not an anti-dentite!
Kramer: You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools.
Jerry: They do have their own schools!
Kramer: Yeah!
Elaine: One little baby, whatever you have in stock.
Aent: Miss Benes...
Elaine: Look it, look it, Ryan. These people are gettin' a baby. Period. Now we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the fun way.
Beth: Jerry, I'm sorry to bother you, but you always said you'd be there for me.
Jerry: Well, what's wrong?
Beth: I'm thinking of leaving Arnie.
Jerry: Talk to me.
Beth: He met with Elaine, and I asked him what happened, and he yada yada'd me. I mean, could he be having an affair?
Jerry: Well, I wouldn't put anything past anybody.
Beth: But we just got married.
Jerry: Well obviously that was a mistake. You need to forget about Arnie. The important thing is you're moving on.
Beth: Why would Elaine do that to me?
Jerry: Forget about Elaine. Let's just focus on us. Come on, big hug. (Mickey and Karen enter)
Mickey: Hey Jerry. Where's Kramer? I've got exciting news.
Jerry: I'm kinda in the middle of something.
Mickey: Karen and I are getting married.
Jerry: Oh, congratulations. Her marriage just fell apart.
Mickey: (To Beth) How many is that for you?
Beth: Two.
Mickey: You're a lightweight. Come on, honey.
Elaine: Hey Jerry. What are you doing here with Beth?
Jerry: Beth and Arnie broke up.
Elaine: So they don't want a baby?
Jerry: (Shaking his head no) Pff.
Elaine: (Realizes her mistake) I think I'm gonna be sick. (George enters alone)
Jerry: Hey, where's Marcy?
George: She, uh, went shopping for some shoes for the wedding and, yada yada yada, I'll see her in six to eight months. (Kramer and Julie enter)
Jerry: Hey, Kramer, over here.
Kramer: I just assume not sit next to you.
Jerry: Kramer... Oh look, there's Mickey and his parents.
Elaine: Nice looking family.
Jerry: Very handsome.
Kramer: (To Mr. Abbott) How ya doing?
Mr. Abbott: Hey Kramer.
Julie: Oh Mickey. Excuse me, I can't take this. (She exits quickly)
Jerry: Hi, Mr. Abbott.
Mr. Abbott: That's Dr. Abbott, D.D.S. Tim Whatley was one of my students. And if this wasn't my son's wedding day, I'd knock you teeth out you anti-dentite bastard.
Beth: What was that all about?
Jerry: Oh, I said something about dentists and it got blown all out of proportion.
Beth: Hey, what do you call a doctor who fails out of med school?
Jerry: What?
Beth: A dentist. (They laugh)
Jerry: That's a good one. Dentists.
Beth: Yeah, who needs 'em? Not to mention the Blacks and the Jews. (Jerry fakes a smile)
Elaine: Where's Beth?
Jerry: She went out to get her head shaved.
Father: We are gathered her today to unite this couple in holy... matrimony.
Jerry: Those wisdom teeth are tough to get out.
Father: Marriage is not an intervention to be entered lightly... Yada yada yada, I pronounce you man and wife. (They kiss, walk toward exit)
Karen: (To Kramer) I really wanted you.


Elaine: Uh, excuse me.
Gladys: Be with you in a minute. (turns her back to Elaine and continues into phone) No, you shoulda come last night, it was fun.
Elaine: Uhm, I just have a question.
Gladys: (into phone) I know, the margaritas in that place are so strong.
Elaine: (walks up to counter) Helloo? I'd like to buy these hirachis.
Gladys: (into phone) So? What else is goin' on?
Elaine: (shouts) HEY!!
Gladys: Listen, I'll call you back. (to Elaine) Yes? What can I do for you?
Elaine: (tosses the hirachis onto the counter) Nothing. You, just lost a customer.
Valerie: Ready to go? I don't wanna miss the previews.
Jerry: Me neither. I love the previews. In fact I enjoy being in the theatre cut up(?). Last week after a preview, I yelled out 'Must miss'.
Valerie: I think that I was in that theatre. That, that was really funny.
Jerry: Yeah, it got a good laugh. Let me just check my messages before we go.
George: So you're on the speed dial?
Jerry: After two dates!
George: What number?
Jerry: Seven.
George: Wha! You know, it's a pain to change that. You gotta lift up that plastic thing with a pen.
Kramer: Uh, hey buddy.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: It all right if I keep these here for a while? I'm having a New Year's Eve party.
Jerry: You're gonna keep these here for eight months?!
Kramer: No, Jerry. New Year's Eve nineteen ninety-nine. The millennium. I told you about that.
Jerry: Kramer, you're gonna leave these chairs here for two and a half years?!
Kramer: You're not gonna see 'em. I got a case of party poppers I'm gonna keep in front of 'em.
George: Hey, so get this. I get a call this morning from one of the Mets front office guys. They wanna take me out to lunch.
Jerry: What for?
George: (smiling) I'm on a winning ball club, Jerry. They probably wanna pick my brains.
Jerry: Really, why d'you think they're taking you out to lunch?
George: (thoughtful) I have no idea.
Elaine: Alright, I have had it with those Mayans.
Jerry: I don't mind the Mayans.
Elaine: (unfolding chair) You know that store, Putumayo? (sits) I was trying to buy these hirachis, right, and the saleswoman just completely ignored me.
Kramer: What, we talking hirachis? I know a great store for hirachis.
Elaine: No, no, not Putumayo.
Kramer: No, no. Cinqo de Mayo. (leaving) Yeah, Marcellino, he turned me on to it, and he's one sixty-fourth Mayan.
George: (slightly worried) You know, I'm starting to get a little nervous about this lunch.
Elaine: What'd you have?
Kramer: Yeah, I'm gonna keep these here too, huh? They'll be alright. (begins to leave)
Jerry: Kramer, these balloons aren't gonna stay filled till New Year's!
Kramer: (at the door) Well, those aren't for New Year's. Those are my everyday balloons.
Minkler: George, we'll be blunt. The Mets need somebody to head up scouting, and we think that someone might be you.
George: (surprise) Head of scouting?
Mooney: Interested?
George: (playing it cool) I'm still here.
Minkler: Now, unfortunately, league rules prevent us from making you an offer while you're still under contract.
Mooney: You understand what we're talking about?
George: So you're talking...
Minkler: No, no.
Mooney: We're *not* talking. We're just, talking.
George: So, you need me to get fired.
Minkler: We didn't say that.
Mooney: We couldn't say that, because even if we did...
Minkler: ...we couldn't say that we said it.
Mooney: You see what we're saying?
George: (jokingly) You are still paying for this lunch?
Minkler: (serious) We didn't say that.
Jerry: Hi. Sorry I'm late. There's a lotta chairs and balloons in my apartment. How 'bout I make it up to you with dinner?
Valerie: (pointedly) Someplace nice this time?
Jerry: Yeah, I'm sorry about that Mongolian barbecue last night. I'd heard good things.
Valerie: (rising) I don't know, got a two in Zagat's.
Jerry: Lemme just check my messages. (to himself) Maybe a nicer girl called.
Voice (O.C.): Hello?
Jerry: Hello? Who's this?
Voice (O.C.): Jane. What number did you dial?
Jerry: Seven?
Elaine: Hey! See these? (raises her foot so her new hirachis can be seen) Cinqo de Mayo! Sales commission, bye-bye-o! (waves)
George (O.C.): (singing) Meet the Mets...
George: ...meet the Mets. Come on in and greet the Mets.
Jerry: Good meeting?
George: There was no meeting. (gets one of the folding chairs) But it was quite a meeting. You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. The only thing is, I have to get fired from the Yankees first.
Jerry: You can do that.
George: Of course. But I really wanna leave my mark this time, you know, uh. I wanna walk away from the Yankees with people saying 'Wow! Now that guy got canned!'
Jerry: So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence?
George: Ehh. (nostalgic) Remember that summer at Dairy Queen where I cooled my feet in the soft-serve machine?
Kramer: You think people will still be using napkins in the year two-thousand? Or is this mouth-vacuum thing for real?
Jerry: So, George...
George: Yeah.
Jerry: (rising) I had like a so-so date with Valerie, now I'm number nine on the speed-dial.
George: So?
Jerry: So? I used to be seven. I dropped two spots.
George: What, she's ranking you?
Jerry: Yeah, this speed-dial's like a relationship barometer.
George: What is a barometer exactly?
Kramer: It's pronounced thermometer.
Kramer: You know, in the year two-thousand, we'll all be on speed-dial. You'll just have to think of a person, they'll be talking to you. It'll be like, wup (judders and puts his hands to his temples, as if receiving a call on a 'mental phone') getting a call here.
Kramer: (to Jerry and George) Hey, it's Newman. (to 'mental phone') Hey, how you doing, Newman?
Kramer: (to 'mental phone') Oh, you wanna talk to Jerry?
Valerie: (pleased) Oh, flowers. You didn't have to do that. I mean, the dinner, and the play, and the hansom cab ride.
Jerry: Well, I just wanted to... (breaks off) You forgot the gift certificate to Barnes and Noble.
Valerie: Oh.
Jerry: (resumes) ...you know, make a good impression.
Valerie: I'm gonna go put these in some water.
Jerry: I like the way you think.
Jerry: Oh my God! Number one!! Seinfeld, you magnificent bastard!
George: Sorry I'm late, but look what I found in the Yankee Hall of Pride display case.
Wilhelm: Isn't that Babe Ruth's uniform?
George: Is it? (reaches into bag)
George: Huh, strawberries, anyone? (eats a strawberry) Ah, that's good. Ooh, juicy this time of year.
George: Gotta get the good ones.
George: Oh, that's bad. That's bad.
Kramer: So Jerry, my millennium party's really coming together. Will people be able to breathe underwater in the year two-thousand?
Jerry: Some of us.
Kramer: (crumpling a piece of paper) I don't wanna exclude anybody.
Jerry: Hola.
Elaine: Shove it!
Jerry: What is all this?
Elaine: I got all this junk at Cinqo de Mayo, because I was trying to show Putumayo how much business they'd lost. I mean, I been dancing (demonstrates dance) and strutting in front of their store for two days.
Jerry: Ah, no wonder we're getting so much rain.
Kramer: Elaine, I'm having a millennium party, so save the date.
Elaine: Hey, you know what? Newman sent me an invitation already, to his party.
Kramer: Newman?
Elaine: Yeah.
Kramer: (reads) Come celebrate the millennium, with Newmanniun. Newman!
Jerry: Hi Valerie.
Jerry: You're not Valerie.
Mrs Hamilton: I'm her step-mother. Drive.
Mrs Hamilton: It's taken me thirteen years to climb up to the top of that speed-dial, and I don't intend to lose my spot to you.
Jerry: But, I never...
Mrs Hamilton: (threatening) You just stay away from that phone.
George: You wanted to see me, sir?
Steinbrenner: I heard about what happened at the meeting this morning...
George: Oh, yes. I already packed up my desk, sir. I can be outta here in an hour.
Steinbrenner: ...and I have to tell you, it's exactly what this organisation needed.
Steinbrenner: We wanna look to the future, we gotta tear down the past. Babe Ruth was nothing more than a fat old man, with little-girl legs. And here's something I just found out recently. He wasn't really a sultan. Ah, what d'you make of that? Hey, check this out. (he stands to reveal he's wearing baseball pants) Lou Gehrig's pants. Not a bad fit. (a thought occurs) Hey, you don't think that nerve disease of his was contagious, do you? Uh, I better take 'em off. I'm too important to this team. (removes the pants to reveal his boxers) Big Stein can't be flopping and twitching.
Steinbrenner: Hey, how 'bout some lunch. What're you going for?
Jerry: You know uh, Valerie, I uh, couldn't help but notice that I'm on your speed-dial.
Valerie: You deserve it.
Jerry: But I can't help thinking that maybe there's someone in your life who deserves it more. Someone you've known, you know, more than a week.
Valerie: My stepmother got to you, didn't she?
Jerry: What? No.
Valerie: Uuh, I can't believe she did this again. That's it! She's off the speed-dial completely!
Jerry: Yikes!
Kramer: Well, I just got your invitation to the Newmanniun party.
Newman: You just got it? Damn, the mail is slow.
Kramer: (getting worked up) You knew I was having a millennium party, but you just had to throw yours on the same day!
Newman: I have done nothing unethical.
Kramer: Yeah, well you're gonna have to cancel it, because I've told everybody about my party.
Newman: Cancel! (jumps to feet) Think again, longshanks! I started planning this in nineteen seventy-eight. I put a deposit down on that revolving restaurant that overlooks Times Square, and I booked Christopher Cross.
Kramer: (worked up) Well, what am I gonna do? I got over two hundred folding chairs, and quite a bit of ice.
Newman: (thoughtful) What kind?
Kramer: Cubed.
Newman: That's good stuff, and you can never have too much ice. Alright, I'll tell you what I'll do. You can co-host the party with me, under one condition. No Jerry. Jerry is not invited.
Kramer: I gotta invite Jerry. He's my buddy.
Newman: That he may be. But he's outta my life, starting in the year two-thousand. For me, the next millennium must be, Jerry-free!
Jerry: How could they not fire you?
George: Never thought I'd fail at failing.
Jerry: Aw, come on there now.
George: (depressed) Feel like I can't do anything wrong.
Jerry: Nonsense. You do everything wrong.
George: (hopeful) Everything?
Jerry: Everything.
George: You really think so?
Jerry: Absolutely. I have no confidence in you.
George: Alright. I guess I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again!
Jerry: That's the spirit. You suck!
George: (pleased) I know.
Elaine: No, no, no no, listen to me. I work in fashion. Together, we can drive Putumayo outta business and make Cinqo de Mayo numero uno... de Mayo.
Gladys: Do you need some help with something?
Elaine: (puzzled) You? What're you doing here?
Gladys: I own this store.
Elaine: No you don't. You own Putumayo. Unless you own both stores. (laughs nervously)
Gladys: I'm Gladys Mayo.
Elaine: Ah, this really sticks in my craw.
Jerry: Well, Mrs Hamilton, it's certainly nice that you and Valerie patched things up, so we could all get together like this. Where is Valerie?
Mrs Hamilton: I'm sure she'll be along. (handing over a glass) Have some wine, Jerome.
Jerry: Okay.
Mrs Hamilton: You know Jerome, I can understand what Valerie sees in you. So attractive, so strong, so comedic.
Jerry: Uh, good.
Mrs Hamilton: Jerome, I have a deliciously naughty idea.
Jerry: (nervous) What?
Mrs Hamilton: Why don't I put you on my speed-dial?
Jerry: I don't know, Mrs Hamilton. That doesn't sound...
Mrs Hamilton: Don't be such a child, Jerome. How's number three sound?
Jerry: Valerie's not coming over, is she?
Mrs Hamilton: Seven, four...
Jerry: No...
Mrs Hamilton: Two...
Jerry: Stop, stop. This isn't right. What about Valerie?
Mrs Hamilton: I won't tell if you don't.
Jerry: (leaving hurriedly) Wuhh...
Kramer: Jerry... Newman... Two-thousand...
Kramer: (yells) Newmanniun!!
Kramer: (whimper) Jerry?
Koren (O.C.): Alright, Yankees, two. Orioles, nothing. Wait a minute! A short stocky bald man is streaking across the field.
Jerry: Oh my God, George!
Koren (O.C.): Check that. He's not streaking. He's wearing a flesh-tone body-stocking. Apparently, he's a bit bashful, and oddly, no-one seems upset.
Jerry: Kramer, look, it's George.
Koren (O.C.): Everyone loves him.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I know. (he clicks off the TV) Listen, Jerry, I can't let you come to my New Year's party.
Jerry: (neutral) Fine.
Kramer: (agitated) I mean, it's killing me! Newman's got the jump on the invites, and will crush me if I try to go it alone!
Jerry: (neutral) No problem.
Kramer: (swung by Jerry's argument) You're right. I won't do it without you. I feel so ashamed I even thought of it, huh.
Kramer: (pleading) Elaine, you can't go to Newman's Newmanniun.
Elaine: (neutral) Okay.
Kramer: No, no, no. You gotta spend New Year's nineteen ninety-nine with me and Jerry.
Elaine: (neutral) Fine.
Kramer: (frustrated shout) Oh come on!!
Elaine: (neutral) Alright.
Kramer: (triumph) Yesss! Alright, so it's you, it's me, and it's Jerry, huh. (claps hands) Yeah, now things are starting to snowball, huh. I'll tell Newman I don't need him. So, I'll uh, see you two in the twenty-first century.
Elaine: (following Kramer to the door) Okay. Kramer, Kramer, wait a minute. Do you still have that pricing-gun?
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: Okay, I need you to help me put Putumayo outta business.
Kramer: Can do.
Jerry: What're you doing with a pricing-gun?
Elaine: That place is about to have the sale of the century. Nothing over ninety-nine cents.
Jerry: (to himself) Still a rip-off.
Jerry: Hello?
Valerie: Jerry, I was just at my stepmom's house, and I saw that you were on her speed-dial.
Jerry: Uh, well, she uh, probably just wanted to be able to keep tabs on you.
Jerry: Hold on a second.
Jerry: Hello?
Mrs Hamilton: (seductive) Hi Jerome.
Jerry: Oh, Mrs Hamilton, this is a very bad time. I've got Valerie on the other line. Just a second.
Jerry: Hello?
Valerie: That's her on the other line, isn't it?
Jerry: Well...
Valerie: Tell her I don't want you on her speed-dial.
Jerry: Hang on.
Jerry: She knows about the speed-dial. Mrs Hamilton, you gotta get me off this thing.
Mrs Hamilton: I won't, until she puts me back on hers.
Jerry: Hang on.
Jerry: She wants to be back on yours.
Valerie: Fine. But only if you're off hers.
Jerry: Hang on.
Jerry: Fine, if I'm off yours.
Valerie: No, still me.
Jerry: Sorry. Hang on.
Jerry: Fine, if I'm off yours.
Mrs Hamilton: I won't do it. It's my speed-dial, and I don't trust her.
Jerry: Please, Mrs Hamilton, this is very awkward for me.
Mrs Hamilton: (conspiratorial) Alright. I'll hide you in one of the emergency buttons.
Jerry: (hurried) Great, bye.
Jerry: She said she'll do it.
Valerie: Great.
Jerry: Hang on.
Jerry: Hello?
George: Jerry. I can't get fired.
Fan: Hey, body-suit man. 's up?
Fan: (pointing) Hey, body-suit man.
Kramer: Hi, I'm H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy American industrialist uh, looking to open a silver mine in the mountains of Peru and uh, before I invest millions in a lucrative mine, I, I'd like to go a little native. Uh, Get the feel of their condiments, of their unmentionables, you know, the real uh, gritty-gritty.
Gladys: Well, lemme show you what we have.
Kramer: Well uh, I think I can just browse around on my own.
Kramer: (re the chips) Hmm, Macchu Picchu. Are these free?
Gladys: Yeah.
Kramer: Hmm-mmm.
Gladys: Some of those are women's clothes.
Kramer: Oh, not a problem.
George: Attention Steinbrenner and front-office morons! Your triumphs mean nothing. You all stink. You can sit on it, and rotate! This is George Costanza. I fear no reprisal. Extension five-one-seven-oh.
Kramer: L'Occupado.
Elaine: Come on, what is taking you so long?
Kramer: Elaine, I broke the price-gun, so I had to move to plan B.
Elaine: Plan B? There is no plan B.
Kramer: (holds up some small white sachets) I took these out of every single garment in the store.
Elaine: What?!
Kramer: They're dessicates. See, they absorb moisture. (gleeful) These clothes won't last five years without 'em.
Elaine: That's not gonna do anything.
Kramer: Patience.
Elaine: Alright. Forget it!
Kramer: What?
Elaine: You have screwed me again, Pennypacker!
Gladys: Ladies, care for some chips?
Kramer: (emerging from the changing room) Well, I don't mind if I do.
Kramer: Well, I've uh, I've changed my mind. I think I'm going to build a rollercoaster instead.
Steinbrenner: I heard what you did in the parking lot, big boy, and it is in-excuse-a-bull. You personally insulted me, my staff... I cannot believe that you, body-suit man, could perpetrate such a disloyalty. Breaks my heart to say it... Oh, who am I kidding? I love it. You're fi...
Wilhelm: Wait, wait, Mr Steinbrenner. George doesn't deserve any of the blame for what happened in the parking lot today, sir. If there's anyone to blame here, it's me.
Steinbrenner: What're you talking about, Wilhelm. You popping pills? You got the crazies again?
Wilhelm: No, no. No, no, sir. I ordered George to drive around insulting people today. Because I'm tired of all your macho head games.
George: (agitated) He's lying, sir! I'm tired of all your macho head games!
Steinbrenner: Macho head games?
Wilhelm: (puts arm round George's shoulder) He's just being loyal to me, sir.
Steinbrenner: Wilhelm, you're fired. I owe you an apology, body-suit man. Streak on. (rising) Now, if you gentlemen'll excuse me, I'm not going to the game today, I'm gonna go outside and scalp some tickets. (heads toward the door) Owner's box, that's gotta bring in forty bucks, no problem.
George: Mr Wilhelm, what was that?!
Wilhelm: I wanted to get fired. George, you are looking at the new head scout of the New York Mets.
Wilhelm: (singing) Meet the Mets, meet the Mets. Come right out and greet the Mets.
Kramer: I don't know what Elaine is so upset about. I mean, without dessicates, those clothes'll be noticeably musty in five years.
Jerry: She never sees the big picture.
Jerry: Hello, Newman!
Newman: Hello Jerry. (to Kramer) What did you say to Elaine? I just got her cancellation in the mail.
Kramer: Oh, well I guess she found some place better to go.
Newman: Well, it's her mistake. Because she is going to miss the party of a lifetime.
Kramer: Well, maybe so, but come midnight, when she's looking for someone warm and cuddly to kiss, I guess you'll be caught between the moon and New York City.
Newman: Alright. Come back to my party, please.
Kramer: Jerry too, of course.
Newman: (reluctant) You don't wanna do your... act, or anything, do you?
Jerry: No.
Newman: Alright then, I guess I can accept a little Jerry, if it gets me a (suggestive) lot of Elaine.
Kramer: Deal?
Newman: To the Newmanniun! (holds out his hand)
Kramer: (grasps Newman's hand) To the Kramennium.
Jerry: By the way Newman, I'm just curious. When you booked the hotel, did you book it for the millennium New Year?
Newman: (smug) As a matter of fact, I did.
Jerry: Oh, that's interesting, because as everyone knows, since there was no year zero, the millennium doesn't begin until the year two-thousand and one. Which would make your party, one year late, and thus, quite lame.
Jerry: Aww!
Mrs Hamilton: I don't feel well at all. I feel all dried-out inside.
Valerie: I'll call for help.
Jerry: Hello?
Valerie: Who's this?
Jerry: It's Jerry. Who's this?
Valerie: Uh, it's Valerie.
Jerry: Oh, hi Valerie. What's up?
Valerie: I'll tell you what's up. My stepmother is violently ill, so I hit the button for poison control and I get you!
Jerry: Wow, poison control? That's even higher than number one!
Jerry: Hello?


Jerry: Hang on just let me pick up a paper.
Man: Excuse me. Would you mind watching my bag for a minute?
George: Yeah. No problem.
Jerry: Let's go.
George: Woah, I gotta watch this guy's bag.
Jerry: For how long?
George: I'm sure he'll be back in a second.
Jerry: Come on.
George: Excuse me sir. Would you mind watching my bag for a minute?
Man 2: Why? So I can stand here like an idiot not knowing if you'll ever come back?
George: Where are you going?
Jerry: I'm going to be this guy's friend.
Jerry: New clothes?
George: Yeah. I did some shopping. Some new clothes shopping. (turns to a man) Can I borrow your menu?
Jerry: Strange. For new pants, there's noticable wear on the buttocks of those chinos. Wait those are the clothes from the bag!
George: The guy never came back.
Jerry: He asked you to watch them not wear them.
George: I'm still watching them.
Jerry: You look like a tourist.
George: All right, let me ask you something When do you start to worry about ear hair?
Jerry: When you hear like a soft russeling.
George: It's like puberty that never stops. Ear puberty, nose puberty, knuckle puberty, you gotta be vigilent. Let me ask you this Do you know where Walker Street is downtown? I've got a league meeting there.
Jerry: Oh right, the new job, how is it?
George: I love it. New office, new salary. I'm the new Wilhelm.
Jerry: So who's the new you?
George: They got a new intern from Francis Louis High. His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school.
Jerry: Oh hi Alex.
Alex: I'm sorry I'm late. Have you ordered yet?
Jerry: No.
Alex: I'll be right back.
George: Where are you meeting these women? When they get off the bus at the port authority?
Jerry: Right here, George. In here. (pointing to his chest) Try opening this up. You'll find the biggest dating scene in the world.
George: Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Kramer: Hey.
Elaine: Hey.
Kramer: Hi.
Elaine: Where's Jerry?
Kramer: Well he's in the shower. You want me to get him?
Elaine: No. No no. Actually I kind of need to speak to you.
Kramer: Well let's sit down.
Elaine: Kramer, ahem, remember that whole deal with you selling Peterman your stories for his book and then he gave them back to you?
Kramer: Vaguely.
Elaine: Well I was kind of, hehehe, short on material and I, um, I put them in the book anyway.
Kramer: You put my life's stories in his autobiography?
Elaine: Kramer listen, it is such a stupid book. It doesn't matter.
Kramer: Oh no. Sure. It matters. Wow. I've broken through, huh. I'm part of popular culture now. Listen I've got to thank Mr. Peterman.
Elaine: He's doing a book signing at Waldenbooks this afternoon.
Kramer: Waldenbooks? That's a major chain huh.
Kramer: He Jerry, I'm going to waldenbooks.
Jerry: (yelling) Get out! Get out! I don't want to live like this.
Kramer: All right, let's go.
Elaine: Mr. Lippman, how are you?
Mr. Lippman: Well I'm not bad. Not bad.
Elaine: What are you doing here?
Mr. Lippman: I work for Pundant Publishishing. This is our book.
Elaine: Oh.
Mr. Lippman: If you can call it that. Why is it every half-wit and sitcom star has his own book out now?
Kramer: Hey buddy. Remember me?
Mr. Peterman: You're that gangly fellow we bought the stories from.
Kramer: Yeah, I'm just here to do my part. What's your name darling?
Woman: Who are you?
Kramer: I'm the real Peterman.
Mr. Peterman: All right playtime's over.
Kramer: Relax man. There's enough juice here to keep us all fat and giggley.
Woman: I can't believe somebody pulled the top off of this muffin.
Elaine: That was me. I'm sorry. I don't like the stumps.
Mr. Lippman: So you just eat the tops.
Elaine: Oh yeah. It's the best part. It's crunchy, it's explosive, it's where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of (makes hand motions) does it's own thing. I'll tell you. That's a million dollor idea right there. Just sell the tops.
Kramer: I have a right to be here. These are my fans. Hey you're hurting my elbow.
Man 1: Try looking up hayseed.
Man 2: You wanna sightsee? Get on a bus.
Mary Anne: Please don't think all New Yorkers are so rude.
George: Well actually I'm...
Mary Anne: I'm Mary Anne. I work for the New York Visitor's Center. Where are you visiting from?
George: Little Rock, Arkensas.
Mary Anne: Ooh.
Jerry: Hmm. That looks new.
Kramer: So get this. Peterman has his henchmen forcefully eject me from the book signing like I'm some kind of a maniac.
Jerry: (uncomfortably) Yeah that's too bad.
Kramer: What's the matter with you?
Jerry: (uncomfortably) Nothing.
Kramer: No, no, no. Don't give me that. I know you. Something's wrong. What is it.
Jerry: I did something stupid.
Kramer: What did you do?
Jerry: Well I was shaving. And I noticed an asymmetry in my chest hair and I was trying to even it out. Next thing I knew, (high pitched voice) Gone.
Kramer: Don't you know you're not supposed to poke around down there.
Jerry: Well women do it.
Kramer: (high pitched voice) "Well women do it." I'll tell you what. I'll pick you up a sundress and a parasol and you can just (high pitched voice) sashey your pretty little self around the town square.
Jerry: Well what am I going to tell Alex?
Kramer: Listen to me. You don't tell anybody about this. No one. You hear me?
Jerry: Um hum.
Kramer: Hey, Jerry shaved his chest.
Jerry: Hey!
Kramer: I forgot. Wait. Never mind.
Alex: How about the beach this weekend?
Jerry: You couldn't pay me enough to go to the beach on a weekend. I mean it's hard enough...
Alex: All right. All right. Wow is that a Mexican Hairless? Oh, I love those. Ooh, Hairless. This is where it's at. It's so much smoother and cleaner.
Jerry: Really?
Elaine: "Top of the Muffin to you!"?
Mr. Lippman: Top of the muffin to you. Elaine!
Elaine: Mr Lippman?
Jerry: So you're pretending to be a tourist?
George: It's beautiful. She makes all the plans. I'm not from around here so it's okay if I'm stupid, and she knows I'm only in town visiting so there's no messy breakup
Jerry: How do you explain your apartment?
George: I got a hotel room.
Jerry: you moved into a hotel?
George: Well I don't know anyone here Jerry. Where else am I going to stay?
Jerry: So get this we're in the park today Alex goes wild for this hairless dog.
George: So?
Jerry: So. I figure since she likes one hairless animal why not another.
George: Oh really. You tell her you shaved it?
Jerry: Are you nuts? I don't want her to think I'm one of those low-rise briefs guys who shaves his chest.
Kramer: (yelling up at Jerry) Hey Jerry.
Kramer: (yelling) I'm starting a Peterman Reality Bus Tour. Check it out. Hahaha.
George: Reality tour?
Jerry: The last thing this guy's qualified to give a tour of is reality.
Elaine: This was my idea you stole my idea.
Mr. Lippman: Elaine these ideas are all in the air. They're in the air.
Elaine: Well if that air is comming out of this face then it is my air and my idea.
Mr. Lippman: You want a muffin or not?
Elaine: Peach.
Mary Anne: So I notice you don't have much of an accent.
George: Yeah my parents have it. Sometimes it skips a generation.
Mary Anne: Look george, I'm really enjoying spending time with you but I'm not sure this is going to work out. At some point you're going back to your job at Tyler Chicken and your three-legged dog Willie.
George: Willie. Yeah.
Mary Anne: And I'm still going to be here.
George: Well what if I told you I'm thinking of moving here?
Mary Anne: (laughs) George, no offense. But this city would eat you alive.
Jerry: You're moving to New York? That's fantastic. I can see you all the time now.
George: Eat me alive, huh? We'll see who can make it in *this* town.
Jerry: What is it she think you can't do?
George: Find a job. Get an apartment.
Jerry: How did you do those things?
George: Never mind. The're done. All I have to do now is redo them. You know if you take everything I've ever done in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent.
Jerry: Hey, what were you doing with that bus yesterday?
Kramer: Here you go, here you go, check it out.
Jerry: "The Real Peterman Reality Bus Tour". I'm confused.
Kramer: Peterman's book is big business. People want to know the stories behind the stories.
Jerry: Nobody wants to go on a three hour bus tour of a totally unknown person's life.
Kramer: I'm only charging $37.50, plus you get a pizza bagel and desert.
George: What's desert?
Kramer: Bite-size Three Musketeers. Just like the real Peterman eats.
George: He eats those?
Kramer: No. I eat those. I'm the real Peterman.
George: I think I understand this. Jay Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real.
Kramer: Talk to me.
George: But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not *really* happen to the *real* Peterman which is you.
Kramer: Understand?
Jerry: Yeah. $37.50 for a Three Musketeers.
Mr. Lippman: Elaine. I'm in over my head. Nobody likes my muffin tops.
Elaine: So? What do you want me to do about it?
Mr. Lippman: You're the muffin top expert, tell me what I'm doing wrong.
Elaine: Mr. Lippman, when I worked for you at Pendent Publishing, I believed in you, you know as a man of integrity. But, I saw you in that paper hat and that aprin...
Mr. Lippman: What if I cut you in for 30% of the profits?
Elaine: Deal. Here's your problem. You're making just the muffin tops. You've gotta make the *whole* muffin. Then you... Pop the top, toss the stump. Taste.
Mr. Lippman: Ah. (takes a bite of the top.) Mmmmm. Ah hah?
Elaine: Yeah.
Mr. Lippman: So what do we with the bottoms?
Elaine: I don't know, give em to a soup kitchen.
Mr. Lippman: That's a good idea.
Elaine: And one more thing, you really think we need the exclamation point? Because, it's not "Top of the Muffin *TO YOU!!!*"
Mr. Lippman: No. No. It is.
Kramer: Hey Jerry. What is this? Lady Gillette? What's going on?
Jerry: What? Can't I get a moment's peace?
Kramer: What are you doing to yourself?
Jerry: I can't stop. Alex thinks I'm naturally hairless.
Kramer: You can't keep this up. Don't you know what's going to happen? Everytime you shave it, it's going to come in thicker and fuller and darker.
Jerry: Oh that's an old wives tale.
Kramer: Is it? Look at this.
Kramer: (high pitched voice) Look at it! Look at it! And it's all me. I shaved there when I was a lifeguard.
Jerry: Oh come on. That's genetics. That's not going to happen to me.
Kramer: Won't it? Or is it already starting to happen?
Elaine: Wow. Look at this. We're cleaning up.
Lippman: Oh, Rubin, get me another tray of lowfat cranberry.
Rebecca: Excuse me, I'm Rebecca Demore from the homeless shelter.
Elaine: Oh, hi.
Rebecca: Are you the ones leaveing the muffing pieces behind our shelter?
Elaine: You been enjoying them?
Rebecca: They're just stumps.
Elaine: Well they're perfectly edible.
Rebecca: Oh, so you just assume that the homeless will eat them, they'll eat anything?
Mr. Lippman: No no, we just thought...
Rebecca: I know what you thought. They don't have homes, they don't have jobs, what do they need the top of a muffin for? They're lucky to get the stumps.
Elaine: If the homeless don't like them the homeless don't have to eat them.
Rebecca: The homeless don't like them.
Elaine: Fine.
Rebecca: We've never gotten so many complaints. Every two minutes, "Where is the top of this muffin? Who ate the rest of this?"
Elaine: We were just trying to help.
Rebecca: Why don't you just drop off some chicken skins and lobster shells.
Elaine: I think I might.
Mary Anne: I can't believe you found something so quickly. How much you pay?
George: $2300.
Mary Anne: Ouch. A month?
George: Yeah.
Mary Anne: Well, guess that's all right for now, but if you say here for more than a few months, you're a real sucker.
George: Yeah, well I uh got lots of other stuff to show you too. Wait till you see the plum job that I landed.
Mary Anne: Yeah. We should let this place air out anyway. It smells like the last tenant had monkeys or something.
Kramer: Comming up on the right, if you glance up you can just make out my bedroom window. It's the one that's covered in chicken wire.
Woman: Hey if you're the real Peterman, who come you're wearing those ratty clothes? The're not very romantic.
Kramer: (over the speaker) Well that's your opinion.
Man 1: Can I have another Three Musketeers? They're rather small.
Kramer: Forget it. Okay Newman's postal route is around here somewhere.
Man 2: Who's Newman?
Man 3: Who cares.
Man 4: Hey fake Peterman, let me off. I'm nautious.
Man 1: Can I have his candy bar?
Kramer: Ahh. Everyone just settle down. We have three hours left on this thing, and I can't drive and argue with you rubes all at the same time. Okay. Lomez's place of worship is right on the right here.
Jerry: Why do I have to go on the tour?
Kramer: Jerry you're a minor celebrity. If you go on this thing, it could create a minor stir. Bring that girlfriend of your and I'll only charge to 60 bucks.
Jerry: Hey, how's business?
Elaine: Ooh, I've got stump troubles. The Sanitation Department won't get rid of them all, I can't get a truck to haul this stuff until next week. Meanwhile, I'm sitting on a mountain of stumps.
Kramer: All right, I've got to hose the puke off the floor of the bus.
Elaine: Bus? Wait a minute, wait a minute, bus? You've got a bus?
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: You got any room on that thing?
Kramer: Yeah there are a few seats still available.
Elaine: Do you think you could transport some stumps for me? I'll make it worth your while.
Kramer: Well, if they don't mind sitting in the back.
Elaine: No they don't.
Kramer: Are they war veterans?
Mary Anne: Wow this is your office.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Woah. Hello. Sorry George, didn't know you got a girl in here. Give me a signal on the doornob like a necktie or a sock or something. Come on George, help me out.
Mary Anne: Mr. Steinbrenner, I would like to thank you for taking a chance on a hen supervisor at Tyler Chicken like our boy George here.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Hen supervisor from Tyler Chicken?
George: Yes. Very nice to have had her to mention... (starting to leave)
Mr. Steinbrenner: Wait a minute George.
George: Be right with you. Look Mr. Steinbrenner.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Moonlighting for Tyler Chicken. Pretty impressive George. Days with the New York Yankees and nights in Arkensas with a top flight bird outlet. And a hen supervisor to boot. I am blown. Bloooown away. Blown George. (vibration in the "o"'s) Bloooooooooooooooooooown.
Alex: You know when you make a pizza bagel, you really shouldn't use cinnimon rasin.
Jerry: You also shouldn't use a donut.
Kramer: All right ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Peterman Reality Tour...
Tape Player: Turn music off.
Jerry: Can we just go?
Kramer: And go we will.
Man: What is this? A piece of pound cake?
Kramer: We have a bonus reality stop today. We will be hauling muffin stumps to the local repository.
Man 2: We're going to a garbage dump?
Kramer: And we're off.
Jerry: You know I never though he would be able to recreate the experience of actually knowing him, but this is pretty close.
Mr. Steinbrenner: (the back of his head to the camera) John Tyler? George Steinbreener here. I want to talk about George Castanza. I understand he's been dividing his time between us and you. I cannot have that.
John Tyler: (the back of his head also to the camera) Well I don't know who he is but if you want him that bad I'm not giving him up that easily.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Oh is that so. Playing a little hardball huh Jonnyboy?
John Tyler: How about this. You give me Castanza, I convert your concessions to all chicken no charge. Instead of hot dogs, chicken dogs. Instead of pretzels, chicken twists. Instead of beer, alcoholic chicken.
Mr. Steinbrenner: How do you make that alcoholic chicken?
John Tyler: Let if ferment, just like everything else.
Mr. Steinbrenner: That stuff sounds great. All right. I'll have Costanza on the next bus.
Man: Hey hey hey hey hey. Where do you think you're going?
Kramer: I was going to dump this.
Man: It doesn't look like garbage.
Kramer: Well it's muffin stumps
Man: Where are the muffin tops?
Kramer: This is a garbage dump. Just let me dump it.
Man: Can't do it.
Kramer: Is this a joke?
Man: That's what I'd like to know about it.
Alex: You have a pretty heavy beard, don't you?
Jerry: What's that?
Alex: Well look it's almost time for you to shave again.
Jerry: Oh. Yeah.
Kramer: (gets back on the bus, yelling) Well maybe I will take it up with Consumer Affairs. Ladies and Gentlemen you're in for an additional treat. We're going to extend the tour at no extra charge.
Man: Where are we going?
Kramer: (looking at a map) I don't know. (over the speaker) Uh, no more questions.
Waitress: So, the New York Yankees traded you for a bunch of Tyler chicken.
George: Dogs, twists, a kind of fermented chicken drink.
Man: Hey, aren't you the guy I asked to watch my clothes?
George: What clothes?
Man: These clothes. The ones you're wearing.
Jerry: (in low voice to next to Kramer) Kramer how much longer? My chest hair is comming back and it's itching me like crazy. I can't let her see me scratch it.
Kramer: Don't worry. I've got a good feeling about this dump.
Jerry: I'm telling you man, I'm losing it.
Jerry: I can't sit on this bus anymore. I think I'll go play with that dog.
Kramer: I don't know where the tops are.
Kramer: Jerry what's the matter?
Jerry: (for the first half of the howl, a dog howls along with him.) Awoooooo-oooooooo, that feels good.
Bartender: Hey, you looking for George?
Mary Anne: Yeah.
Bartender: He's been in the bathroom awhile. You might want to check on him.
George: (talking on the phone) Jerry you gotta bring me some clothes down here. I lost my job with the Yankees. I'm standing in the men's room on 43rd street in my underpants.
Mary Anne: I told you this city would eat you alive.
Mr. Lippman: What is this guy again?
Elaine: They call him a Cleaner. He makes problems go away.
Newman: Hello Elaine. Where are they?
Elaine: In the back.
Newman: All right, I'm going to need a clean 8 ounce glass.
Mr. Lippman: What is going on here?
Newman: If I'm curt, then I appologize. But as I understand it, we have a situation here and time is of the essence.
(Newman Goes To The Back Room With The Muffin Stumps And Sets Down A Cooler And An Empty Glass. From The Cooler He Takes Out 4 Bottles Of Milk And Sets Them Down. He Bites Into A Stump, Then Takes A Drink Of Milk From The Glass. (Continuity Error: he never actually poured the glass of milk.) He swishes the muffin and the milk together and swollows. He takes another stump.)


Jerry: Nah, you had a good run. Took them to the World Series.
George: I got to give the players most of the credit for that.
Jerry: Don't sell yourself short. You made all the flight arrangements, hotels, busses.
George: No, I don't know who was doing that.
Jerry: So, when you actually did work, what it was that you did?
George: They had a pastry cart you wouldn't believe.
Lanette: Here you go. Your latt, your cappuccino.
Jerry: Maybe I should ask her out?
George: She is a good waitress.
Jerry: That's true. Maybe I take her to the Tony's.
George: You're going to the Tony's?
Jerry: Yeah, I wrote some jokes to the show and they gave me two tickets.
George: Why didn't you ask me? I know a million theater jokes. 'What's the deal with those guys down in the pit?'
Jerry: They're musicians. That's not a joke.
George: It's a funny observation.
George: Severance package...The Yankees are giving me three months full pay for doing nothing.
Jerry: They did it for three years. What's another few months.
George: I'm really going to do something with these three months.
Jerry: Like what?
George: I'm gonna read a book. From beginning to end. In that order.
Jerry: I've always wanted to do that...
George: I'm gonna play frolf.
Jerry: You mean golf?
George: Frolf, frisbee golf Jerry. Golf with a frisbee. This is gonna be my time. Time to taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin. I proclaim this The Summer of George!
Elaine: ...and then Peterman ate it. I never told him.
Elaine: Who's that?
Dugan: That's Sam, the new girl in the counting.
Walter: What's with her arms? They just hang like salamis.
Dugan: She walks like orangutan.
Elaine: Better call the zoo.
Dugan: Reer...
Elaine: What?
Walter: ssssss...
Dugan: Cat-ty...
Elaine: It's like she's carrying invisible suitcases.
Jerry: Like this? (imitates the walk)
Elaine: Yes, exactly.
Jerry: That's so strange.
Elaine: Right. So why I'm the one who gets 'reer'. You know I mean they were being as catty as I was. It's a double standard.
Jerry: Oh, what about 'ladies night'? Women admitted free before 10?
Elaine: That is so stupid.
Jerry: Reer.
George: Hey, 'The White Shadow' is on...
Jerry: Boy, your really packing it all in.
George: Jerry, my vacation just started. I need a day or two to de-compress. Besides, I did plenty today.
Jerry: Like what?
George: I bought a new recliner with a fridge build right in to it.
Kramer: Hey Jerry, you got any Tums?
Jerry: Stomach ache?
Kramer: I drank too much water in the shower.
Jerry: Aah, top of the fridge. Hey George, I'm taking that waitress to the Tony's.
George: Shadow!
Kramer: Oh, the Tony's. I'll see you there buddy.
Elaine: You're going to the Tony's too?
Kramer: Roger that.
Jerry: Where are you sitting?
Kramer: Well, all over the place. Yeah, I'm a seat filler. They don't like to see empty seats on TV so when somebody gets up I just park my kaboos on their spot until they get back.
Elaine: How did you get that job?
Kramer: Mickey, Mickey he hooked me up. He's a member of the academy.
Jerry: What academy?
Kramer: Well, he didn't say (leaves).
Lanette: Hi!
Jerry: Hi!
Lanette: Nice tuxedo.
Jerry: Thanks, it's a breakaway.
Lanette: Should we go?
Jerry: Absolutely.
Lanette: Lyle, were going! Jerry, this is Lyle.
Lyle: Hey, how you doing?
Jerry: Ok...
Lanette: Bye.
Lyle: Have a good time.
Jerry: Thanks, Lyle...
Kramer: Are you leaving? Cause I got you covered.
Kramer: I'll just squeeze in...
Man: What are you doing?
Kramer: My job. What are you doing?
Kramer: You know, if they catch two of us on TV, you got some explaining to do.
Jerry: So, you and Lyle are roommates?
Lanette: No.
Jerry: Gay?
Lanette: What?
Jerry: Is he gay?
Lanette: No.
Jerry: Are you sure?
Lanette: I think I would know.
Jerry: (to himself) This is a new one.
Kramer: (to woman next to him) Pemmican turkey? Come on take a bite...well more for me.
Announcer: ...and the best musical award goes to Scarsdale surprise!
George: Kramer?
Mr. Graham: (on TV) Thank you and God bless you all. This has truly been a Scarsdale surprise!
Sam: Elaine, am I crazy? I just get the feeling that Dugan and the others are making fun of me all the time.
Elaine: Well, You might wanna think about...maybe, eh...moving your arms a little when you walk.
Sam: My arms?
Elaine: You know, sort of swing them, so your not lurching around like a caveman.
Sam: I a caveman?
Elaine: No no no no, it's just...
Sam: Everybody told what a catty shrude you are. Your horrible!
George: She had a dude?
Jerry: Yeah, when I went to pick her up there was this dude.
George: How do you know it was her dude?
Jerry: What do you think it could've been just some dude?
George: Sure, dudes in this town are dime a dozen.
Jerry: I reckon.
George: Or maybe, she just wanted to go to the Tony's. I tell you what; you ask her out again. No Tony, just Jerry. That way you know it he was her dude or just some dude.
Jerry: Dude!
George: All right, that's enough. I gotta go home and take a nap.
Jerry: It's 1030 in the morning?
George: I tell you; I'm wiped.
Jerry: So, has the summer of George already started or are you still de-composing?
George: De-compressing.
Kramer: Whooa, good morning gentleman and Tony says hello to you.
Jerry: You didn't give that thing back?
Kramer: Jerry, it was a whirlwind. They whisked us backstage, the media is sworming, champagne is flowing...whooo! I can't describe how great it is to win.
Jerry: That's because you didn't win.
George: 'Scarsdale surprise'. That's the musical about that Scarsdale diet doctor murder.
Kramer: Featuring the mind-blowing performance of Ms. Raquel Welch!
Jerry: You haven't even seen it.
Kramer: Aah, Jerry I'm not gonna let you bring me down from this high. I've been partying all night. I saw the sunrise at Liza's!
George: What, Minelli's!?!
Kramer: No.
Elaine: Sam, listen I'm so sorry about the other day.
Sam: No, don't apologize Elaine. I was thinking that maybe I should swing my arms a little bit more.
Elaine: See, yeah, that's all I was saying.
Sam: How's this (Sam hits a pen case out of the table), or this (swings a paper holder of the table and starts to clear the table left and right).
Elaine: Well, you seem to be getting a hang of it...
Jerry: Hi!
Lanette: Sorry, I'm running late. I just lost track of time.
Jerry: No rush.
Lyle: Hey, Jerry! What's up?
Jerry: (to himself) I have absolutely no idea.
Jerry: ..except that the dude plays the showroom and I'm stuck doing food and beveridged!
George: Who's that?
Jerry: It's Kramer.
George: Hey Kramer.
Jerry: George says hi.
Kramer: (shouts to the telephone) Hi George!
George: How's that Tony?
Jerry: Why don't you just come over?
George: Why can't we do this on the phone? What's Kramer doing now?
Jerry: He's looking on to fridgerator.
George: Kramer. Anything good in there? Any Popsicles?
Jerry: I can't do this.
Kramer: So, what's George doing?
Jerry: He's not doing anything. Goodbye!
Kramer: So listen, I'm going to crab a bite to eat at Sardi's. You wanna go?
Jerry: Are you taking the Tony to Sardi's?
Kramer: The Tony is taking me to Sardi's.
Jerry: Oh, hello.
Kramer: I'm going.
Lanette: Congratulations!
Kramer: Oh, thank you, thank you so much. I have so many people I want to thank and don't want to forget anyone...
Jerry: All right, all right.
Jerry: I said no! (hangs up the phone.)
Lanette: Jerry, I just want to let you know; Lyle and I are completely over. I'd rather be with you.
Jerry: Just me? No dudes or fellas?
Lanette: What you think?
Jerry: I can start right away.
Jerry: But not here. (They leave.)
Jerry'S Answering Machine: 'I'm not here, leave a message.'
George: (on the answering machine) Jerry, what's happening? Come on, pick up the phone.
Kramer: ...so I said to him Arthur, Artie come on, why does the salesman have to die? Change the title; The life of a salesman. That's what people want to see.
Mr. Graham: Mr. Kramer, my name is Lewis Maxton Graham. I'm one of the producers of 'Scarsdale surprise'.
Kramer: Hey, eh, Lew!
Mr. Graham: We need to talk.
Peterman: Elaine, what did you want to talk me about?
Elaine: This. My office. Sam trashed my office.
Peterman: Well, I see what's going on in here. I am smack dab in the middle of a good old fashioned cat fight.
Elaine: Mr. Petermen, this is not a cat fight. This is violent psychotic behavior directed at me all because are told her to swing her arms.
Peterman: Woof!
Elaine: Do you mean "reer?"
Peterman: Yes, that's the one! Good day Elaine. (Leaves.)
Elaine: Oh, no please Mr. Peterman, she's crazy! (Sam walks by and Elaine starts to sing) Crazy for feelings...
Jerry: I can't believe how much we did this afternoon. I have friends who this would've be their whole life.
Lanette: Now, what time are you picking me up tonight?
Jerry: Eh, what?
Lanette: You got our reservation from Sfuzi's, didn't you?
Jerry: Oh yeah, Sfuzi? I- I've gotta do that.
Lanette: Should I ware the outfit I bought today?
Jerry: Sure.
Lanette: Which one?
Jerry: The one with the...(mumbles.)
Lanette: If I wanna get my hair cut I've gotta go now. Call me when you get home. I wont be there, but leave a message so I know you called.
Jerry: Ok, ok...
Lanette: Do you mind?
Jerry: No, I'll crab it.
George: Hey, I've done that today.
Jerry: What, did you lose your remote?
George: Nah, the cable's out. What's with you? You look dead.
Jerry: It's Lanette! I need an assistant or intern or something.
George: (Laughs) Relationship intern...hey, what if two of us teamed up?
Jerry: Not.
George: No, no...
Jerry: No, because that's...
George: No, listen; we are always sitting here, I am always helping you with your girl problems and you are helping me with my girl problems. Where do we end up?
Jerry: Here.
George: Exactly! Because neither one of us can't handle a woman all by ourselves.
Jerry: I'm trying.
George: I've tried. We don't have it. But maybe the two of us, working together at full capacity, could do the job of one normal man.
Jerry: Then each of us would only have be like a half man. That sounds about right!
Mr. Graham: I'm sure how excited you are to have this very very prestigious award. But you didn't have anything to do with the actual production.
Kramer: No.
Mr. Graham: I don't think there's no way how we can allow you to keep this Tony. Unless...
Kramer: Anything...
Malcolm: Are you familiar with our star, Raquel Welch?
Kramer: Oh yeah, she's fantastic...
Mr. Graham: She's a train wreck.
Malcolm: There's a big tap dance number just before Jean Harris leaves the (?) school to confront Dr Tarnover.
Mr. Graham: It is a gut wrenching scene.
Malcolm: But, Raquel Welch doesn't move her arms when she tap dances. It's very distracting.
Mr. Graham: There's lot of this (swings his arms) in tap dancing.
Kramer: So, you'd like me to teach how to dance?
Malcolm: No, we want you to fire her.
Jerry: Why they want you to fire Raquel Welch?
Kramer: Because they're terrified of her. I heard from someone that when they cut one of her lines, she climbed up the rope on side of the stage and started dropping lights on peoples heads. Story like that has got to be true.
Jerry: She seems very nice.
Kramer: Jerry, you're not in show business. You don't know what these people are like.
Jerry: I'm in show business.
Kramer: Oh, come on! What am I gonna do? She's going to eat me alive.
Jerry: I've got a tape of 'Fantastic voyage' if you think that would help.
Kramer: Yayaya...
Elaine: Jerry, that crazy straight-armed woman down at Peterman's trashed my office. And then listen to this; this is message she left me.
Sam'S Voice: Elaine...I am going to find you. If not in your office then in the xerox room or the little conference room near to the kitchen...
Elaine: She must've got a blueprint of the building or something.
Jerry: Did you tell Peterman about this?
Elaine: Well, I tried, but he thought it was some sort of cat fight.
Kramer: Cat fight?
Elaine: Ok, why? Why do guys do this? What is so appealing to men about a cat fight?
Kramer: Yeye cat fight!
Jerry: Because men think if women are grabbing and clawing at each other there's a chance they might somehow kiss.
Kramer: T-t-t-t...
Jerry: You got the tickets?
George: Yeah, two for the 715 of Novaj pravas (?). What you're wearing the green sweater?
Jerry: I like it.
George: She doesn't like. Here is your blue one, it's her favorite. (Takes sweater out of his bag.)
Jerry: What?
George: Just put it on! All right now, remember she had her nails done today so remark how you like the color. And if you need me you beep me, all right. Here you go, hey, hey, hey, hey...(sprays Binaca into Jerry's mouth.) Go get'em you're a tiger!
Jerry: Hey George, one second, she's having a party friday night and she wants me to take care of the invitations.
George: A little notice would've helped! How many people?
Jerry: 35, and George, on the invitations...
George: I know, I know...don't skimp. Go go go go...
Lanette: Right on time, I like that.
Jerry: I like your nails, that is a great color.
Lanette: Love the sweater.
Jerry: This old thing?
George: Hi, I need some party invitations.
Clerk: Okay, have you been in here before?
George: About a year ago. Wedding invitations.
Clerk: Right, how did that all work out?
George: No complaints.
Clerk: Well, they are arranged according the price. And as I recall...(she flips the sample book all the way to the end.)
George: Actually, (George flips the book back to the beginning) I'll take these nice glossy ones.
Raquel: "You are a fraud Dr Tarnover. You haven't even been to Scarsdale."
Kramer: Ms. Welch.
Raquel: Who are you?
Kramer: Well, I'm Cosmo Kramer, I'm one of the producers.
Raquel: Hello, Sidney! No, no I told you I don't want to do that! If you bring it up again I will feed your genitals to a wolf! (hangs up) Kids! You're still here.
Kramer: Well, I- I Ms. Welch I do need to talk to you about a little problem regarding, eh, your performance.
Raquel: What kind of problem?
Kramer: Well, it seems that due to the vagaries of the production parameters of this fragmenting of the audience to the cable television, carnivals, water parks...
Raquel: Out with it!
Kramer: Well, you're fired because you don't move your arms when you tap dance, you're like a gorilla out there I've gotta go...
Guy: Little help?
George: Hey, frolf?
Guy: Yeah, you know we need a fourth for the back nine. You want in?
(George Looks Up And Sees Jerry On The Other Side And Frisbee On The Other. Jerry Says: "What's the deal with airplane peanuts?")
George: Yeah, sure.
Guy: Ok, come on.
Jerry: Ok, let's towel it up.
Lanette: Jerry, where are those invitations you were supposed to get? If they don't go out today they're useless.
Jerry: But we're in towels.
Lanette: Jerry.
Jerry: all right. One second.
George: He frolfs, he scores...(he drops one invitation on the stairs.)
George: Hello.
Jerry: George, where are those invitations? You were supposed to leave them with her doorman!
Lanette: Did you shave your chest hair?
Jerry: No. (Lanette leaves.) Did you at least pick them up?
George: Yeah, the super glossy. The best they had.
Jerry: Ok, get them over here pronto. We're in towels here George.
George: All right, All right, keep your towel on.
Jerry: ...what?
George: It's a joke.
Jerry: All right, that's not bad. Now get over here!
Sam'S Voice: (on the tape)...if not in your apartment then in the laundry room or the ATM in the building across the street or the watch shop!
Elaine: Can't you do anything about this? I mean this woman is a psycho!
Cop #1: 'Reer.'
Elaine: Look, just because I'm a woman...
Cop #2: 'Mauau.'
Cop #1: 'Meeow.'
Raquel: I don't move my arms when I dance. That's my signature!
Elaine: Would you just keep an eye out for this woman. She's about ye high and eh, she doesn't swing her arms when she walks.
Cop #1: What do you mean?
Elaine: Like this...(imitates the walk with her arms hanging.)
Raquel: What the hell is that? Are you making fun of my dancing?
Elaine: Aren't you Raquel Welch?
Raquel: You know who I am. Now, what are you doing?
Elaine: Nothing, I wasn't just moving my arms...
Raquel: That's it, you are going down.
Cop #1: Ooh, cat fight.
Kramer: So how's George?
Jerry: I don't know. They don't tell me anything. What's that? (Kramer holds a broken Tony)
Kramer: Tony.
Jerry: What happened to you?
Kramer: Raquel Welch!
Jerry: Yikes.
Jerry: What happened to you?
Elaine: Raquel Welch!
Kramer: The woman is a menace.
Elaine: Yeah, I bumped in to her on the street. It got pretty ugly.
Jerry: Cat fight with Raquel Welch.
Kramer: Yey eye ca-catfight.
Elaine: My god, George!
George: I slipped on the invitations...how's the towels?
Jerry: Back on the rack.
George: With the two of us?
Jerry: I think we're still a man short.
Doctor: Mr. Costanza. ..your legs have sustained extensive trauma. Apparently your body was in the state of advanced atrophy, due to a period of extreme inactivity. But with a lot of hard work and a little bit of luck, I think there's a good chance you may, one day, walk again.
Kramer: Well, that's good news.
Elaine: Wow, invitations again...
Kramer: Yeah, that's weird.
Elaine: All right, well...you want to grab some coffee?
Jerry: Yeah...
Kramer: I'd like to get some coffee.
George: This was supposed to be 'The summer of George'! The summer of George.
Therapist: Now, swing them...swing...swing them, just swing them.
Sam: I can't do it. It's hard!
George: Still a little summer left.