Jerry: So I'm on the plane, we left late. Pilot says we're going to be making up some time in the air. I thought, well isn't that interesting. We'll just make up time. That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now, my question is if you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? C'mon, there's no cops up here, nail it. Give it some gas! We're flying!
Gavin: Travelling, of course, is the best education. Do you know last year I was in over forty, forty-five countries, and I would have gone to more but I had just got a puppy, and he was too young to take with me. But now I won't travel without him.
Jerry: Is he on the plane now?
Gavin: Oh yes. Yes, he's in the, he's in the baggage compartment. I don't know why they won't let him sit up here with me. He's a lot better behaved than most of the dregs you find onboard here. Do you, do you have any pets?
Jerry: Uh, just my next door neighbor.
Gavin: You're missing out on a relationship that could enrich your life in ways that you never could have thought possible.
Jerry: Howbout picking up their, you know. You find that enriching?
Jerry: What's the matter?
Gavin: Oh, I'm feeling a bit queasy.
Attendant #1: Sir, we're gonna make an emergency landing in Chicago and get you to a hospital.
Gavin: My dog. What about my dog?
Attendant #1: Uh, you have a dog?
Attendant #2: Do you know anyone on the plane, Mr. Palone?
Gavin: Jerry?
Jerry: Huh? How you feeling?
Gavin: Would you take care of Farfel?
Jerry: Farfel?
Attendant #2: It's his dog. We're landing in Chicago to get him to a hospital, could you take his dog to New York?
Jerry: The dog? The dog??
Gavin: I'm sure it's only for a day or two.
Jerry: But, you know, what if, you know?
Gavin: Give me your address and phone number, I'll call you.
Jerry: The dog?
Jerry: Let go, Farfel! Let go, gimme that! Gimme the sneaker you stupid idiot! Shut up! (to Elaine) So what would you do?
Elaine: Well it's only been three days, I'm sure he's gonna call.
Jerry (To Farfel): STOP IT! SHUT UUUUUUP!!! (to Elaine) Do you believe this? Do you believe what I'm dealing with here, I've got a wild animal in the house! He's deranged, maybe he's got rabies. I can get lockjaw.
Elaine: If only.
Jerry: Look at this place. He's going everywhere, I can't go out of the house at night. I haven't performed in three days. This'll be my first night out of the house since I got back.
Elaine: Hey, when you walk him, do ya...
Jerry: Do I what?
Elaine: Do you pick it up?
Jerry: Yes, I pick it up.
Elaine: You pick it up?!?
Jerry: Well you have to.
Elaine: Oh, boy would I love to see that.
Jerry: SHUT UP!! Shut up Farfel, stop it! (to Elaine) I don't know what to do. I mean what if I take it to the pound then the guy shows up?
Elaine: Maybe you should call the airline, they might know where he is.
Jerry: No, I tried. they don't know anything. (notices Elaine making egg creams) You gotta put the syrup in first.
Elaine: No, milk.
Jerry: I'm telling you the guy's a drunk, he's probably on a bender.
Elaine: What is a bender anyhow?
Jerry: I don't know, they drink and they bend things at the bar.
Elaine: I can't believe he hasn't called.
Jerry: Two hundred seats on a plane, I gotta wind up next to Yukon Jack and his dog Cujo. Shut up! One more day and you are pound bound!
Kramer: Sorry, I can't watch the dog tonight.
Jerry: Why?
Elaine: We're going to the movies, we're gonna see Prognosis Negative.
Kramer: I can't, I gotta get this Ellen out of my life.
Jerry: You're breaking up?
Kramer: Oh ho ho ho yeah, the sooner the better. I can't wait to do it. You know how there's some people you worry about whether you're going to hurt their feelings? With her, I'm looking forward to it. I'd like to get it on video, watch it in slow motion and freeze frame it. Oh ho, yeah.
Elaine: Kramer, I don't know how you lasted as long as you did.
Kramer: Woah, you didn't like her?
Elaine: If you could see her personality it would be like one of the Elephant Man exhibits, you know where they pull off the sheet and everyone gasps.
Jerry: I can't believe someone hasn't killed her yet.
Kramer: How come you never said anything?
Jerry: Well you can't tell someone how you feel about their girlfriend until after they stop seeing them.
Kramer: I tell you.
Jerry: You. I'm talking about people.
Elaine: Are we still going to the movies tonight?
Jerry: No, I can't I gotta watch Farfel, you and George can go without me.
Elaine: Just me and George?
Jerry: Sure.
Elaine: But we need you.
Jerry: What do you need me for?
Elaine: Because... Yeah?
George: Prognosis Negative! (in a funny voice)
Elaine: Because I relate to George through you, we're like friends-in-law. Besides, you said we were gonna see Prognosis Negative together. Can't you just put some newspapers down or something?
Jerry: No, I can't trust him, he gets insane. I won't enjoy myself. That's right, Farfel, I'm talking about you!
Elaine: Just me and George alone?
George: Let's go, people, let's go! It's Prognosis Negative time, wa ha ha ha!!!
Jerry: I can't go.
George: Can't go, Why not?
Jerry: Because I have to watch idiot Farfel.
George: I thought Kramer was watching.
Jerry: He's breaking up with his girlfriend tonight.
George: Well so what's the problem, you just put some newspaper down.
Jerry: No, I don't want that smell in the house.
George: You spritz a little Lysol on it.
Jerry: No, it's like BO and cologne, they combine forces into some kind of strange mutant funk.
George: So we're not going?
Jerry: Nah. You two go.
George: Oh. You still wanna go?
Elaine: Do, do you?
George: If you want.
Elaine: It,s, it's up to you.
Jerry: Go ahead.
Elaine: Well, it's, I really wanted to see Prognosis Negative with Jerry, uh, you wanna see Ponce de Leon?
George: Ponce de Leon? Okay. (to Jerry) You sure you don't wanna go?
Jerry: I want to but I can't.
Elaine: Oh! I tell you what. How about if I come back here first and I clean everything up and I open up the windows and if you're still not satisfied we can switch apartments for the night.
Jerry: No.
George: What about this-
Jerry: Forget it. Go ahead, you'll have a good time.
Elaine: I know, it's not that.
George: It's just we want you to go.
Jerry: Well, thank you very much. I'm telling you, one more day stinkbreath!
Jerry: On my block, a lot of ah, people walk their dogs, and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest function of human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're gonna think the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume was in charge?
George: So how long did you live there?
Elaine: About three years.
George: That's pretty long.
Elaine: Hmm.
George: It's not that long, really.
Elaine: Yeah.
George: And then you came here.
Elaine: Yeah. So I've been here about six years.
George (Counting On His Fingers): Eighty-six, eighty-seven, eighty-eight, eighty-nine, ninety, ninety-one... Yup.
Jerry: Bad dog! Bad dog! You go outside! Outside!! What do you want from me? Tell me! Money, you want money? I'll give you money, how much?!
Kramer: I must have been out of my mind. Look at you. Why don't you do something with your life? Sit around here all day, you contribute nothing to society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone like you? Wouldn't respect myself.
George: I like herbal tea.
George: Chamomile's good. Lemon Lift. Almond Pleasure.
Elaine: Jerry likes Morning Thunder.
George: Jerry drinks Morning Thunder?
Elaine: Yeah.
George: Morning Thunder has caffeine in it, Jerry doesn't drink caffeine.
Elaine: Jerry doesn't know Morning Thunder has caffeine in it.
George: You don't tell him?
Elaine (Laughing): No. And you should see him, man, he gets all hyper, he doesn't even know why, he loves it! He walks around, going, "God, I feel great!"
George (Laughing): You don't tell him?
Elaine: No.
George: That is so funny!
Elaine: I know!
George: Wait, have you ever seen him throw up?!
Kramer: Please! Please!! I take it all back, everything! I take it all back, every word! I love you! I love *you*! I can't live without you, I,ll, I'll do anything!
Jerry: That's right, Gavin Palone. What? Are you sure? He was released on Monday? *Last* Monday? Did he leave a phone number or address? Unbelievable. Well thank you, thanks, thanks very much. (Hangs up) That's it, Farfel! Party's over! Start packing up your little squeeze toys buddy boy, you're checking out!
Elaine: It was weird because George and I get along so great in so many situations but this is the first time we ever really went one-on-one.
Jerry: Oh, one-on-one's a whole different game. Can't pass off.
Elaine: The only time it wasn't uncomfortable was when we were making fun of you.
Jerry: Going to the dog pound, everybody! Going to the dog pound, come on down. (To Elaine) What?
Elaine: Do you have to?
Jerry: What am I supposed to do? I don't want to do it. I like dogs. I'm not sure this is a dog.
Elaine: You know, the guy might have just lost your number.
Jerry: I'm in the book and I have a machine.
Elaine: Jerry, do you know what they do to dogs at the pound? They keep them there for a week and then if nobody claims them, they kill them.
Jerry: Really? How late are they open?
Jerry: What?
Elaine: What is it?
Kramer: I went back with Ellen.
Jerry And Elaine: Ohhhhh, that's great.
Elaine: Terrific.
Jerry: Yeah, I really think you guys are good together.
Elaine: Yes, she understands you and she is not demanding.
Kramer: Do you think that I forgot what you two said about her?
Jerry: Well I was just trying to be supportive, you know. I knew you were upset.
Kramer: From now on when we pass each other in the hall, I don't know you, you don't know me.
Elaine: Oh, Kramer, we didn't mean it.
Jerry: What are you doing?
Kramer: I'm getting my pot.
Elaine: Kramer, we like her.
Jerry: Kramer? What did we say that's so bad?
Elaine: I believe I referred to her personality as a potential science exhibit.
Jerry: I said, "How come no one's killed her?" Probably shouldn't have said anything,
Jerry: Well.
Elaine: Well.
Jerry: everyone knows the first break-up never takes. (answers buzzer) Yeah?
George: Prognosis Negative! (again in a funny voice)
Jerry: Okay, Farfel, put your shoes on.
Elaine: Jerry, can't you just give it one more day, it's not his fault.
Jerry: It's not my dog, I don't know where this boozehound is.
Elaine: Alright, I tell you what. How about if you and George go to the movies, and I stay here and watch the dog tonight.
Jerry: I can't let you do that, what about Prognosis Negative?
Elaine: We'll see it Sunday.
George: Tonight's the night, right? Prognosis Negative?
Elaine: I'm not going, I'm gonna watch the dog.
George: What does this mean?
Jerry: Well, we'll go see something else tonight. We'll see, uh, Ponce De Leon.
George: What is with this dog, I thought we were taking it to the pound.
Jerry: She talked me into one more day. Talk amongst yourselves, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
George: Uh Jerry, how long will you be in there?
Jerry: I don't know, regular human time?
George: Uh why don't you wait then go in the movies?
Jerry: Why shouldn't I go here?
Elaine: Well, you know, I mean, sometimes it's good to get there and make sure you get your seats and then go to the bathroom.
George: And isn't it more fun using the urinal?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: Oh yeah, urinals are fun. Can I go?!
George: Hey, go.
Elaine: Who's stopping you?
George: What, are you doing me a favor?
Elaine: Like we care if you go to the bathroom.
George: How's it going?
Elaine: Good. Good. You?
George: Things are good.
Elaine: Boy, he takes such a long time.
George: I know.
Elaine: You know what he does in there? He gargles.
George: Jerry gargles? Is that why he takes so long?
Elaine: Yeah, he does it like six times a day.
George: How come we never hear him?
Elaine: Because he does it quiet. He does it quiet. Lookit, Just like this, watch.
George: Wait, wait, did you ever see him throw up?!
Elaine: We talked about that already.
George: Oh.
George: I have nothing to say to anybody. I'm so uninteresting. I think I'm out of conversation.
Jerry: So what are calling me six times a day?
George: All I know about is sports. That's it. No matter how depressed I get, I could always read the sports section.
Jerry: I could read the sports section if my hair was on fire.
George: Know what? Ponce De Leon is sold out.
Jerry: It is? Oh yeah, you're right. What else is playing?
George: Nothing except Prognosis Negative.
Jerry: Boy, I know she really wants to see that with me.
Elaine: Gimme the jacket, furface, this is not Seinfeld you're dealing with! When I get through with you, you'll be begging to go to the pound!
Elaine: Shut up. Shut up! (Answers phone) Hello? No, who's calling? Oh my god, the dog guy. Where have *you* been? Yeah, well you better pick up your dog tonight or he has humped his last leg.
George: I mean, I could understand if there was something else playing, but it's this or nothing.
Jerry: I don't know what to do.
George: What is this 'saving movies' thing? Something's playing, you go.
Jerry: I know, I know.
George: So, what? We're gonna do nothing now, this is crazy.
Jerry: It is kind of silly.
George: Of course it is.
Jerry: I mean, it's just a movie, for god's sake.
George: Exactly.
Jerry: It's not like she's *in* the movie.
George: Right.
Jerry: Am I supposed to ruin the whole night because she wants to see it? I mean, if I could have seen it with her, fine. But I can't control all these circumstances and schedules and peoples' availabilities at movies.
George: And she'll still see it, you're not stopping her from seeing it.
Jerry: How does sitting next to a person in a movie theater increase the level of enjoyment? You can't talk during a movie. You know, this is stupid, c'mon, let's just go.
George: Good.
Jerry: Saving movies.
George: Ridiculous!
Jerry: Two for Prognosis Negative. I'm in big trouble.
George: Oh, you're dead.
Gavin: Bell's Palsy. The entire side of my, of, of my face was paralyzed. Farfel! I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't even feed myself, I was completely incapacitated. Quiet Farfel!
Jerry: You know it's interesting, because I called the hospital and they said you were released on Monday.
Gavin: Yes, yes, that's true, but then I was taken to the Bell's Palsy Center in, in, in, in Rockford. Absolutely first, first rate facility, top notch physicians.
Kramer: Hey, c'mon, c'mon, get off me!
Gavin: He won't hurt you, he's just playing.
Kramer: Hey you keep that mutt away from me.
Gavin: Mutt? I'll wager his parents are more pure than yours.
Ellen: Kramer, are you coming?
Jerry: Oh, hi Ellen.
Ellen: Get in here.
Jerry: Listen, it's really been a pleasure taking care of your dog for a week, but if you don't mind...
Gavin: Pre-prediction. You'll be calling me to ask if you can come and visit him before the month is out.
Jerry: Prediction. I never see you or him again for the rest of my life.
Elaine: We made plans.
Jerry: Why don't we just rent a movie?
Elaine: I thought you wanted to see Prognosis Negative.
Jerry: No, it&Mac226;s, it's supposed to be really bad, *really* bad. I mean it's long, there's no story, it's so unbelievably boring, I heard. i...
Elaine: Jerry, you promised me we'd go.
Jerry: Well, George told me the whole story, line for line, I mean I almost feel like I've seen it already and walked out on it.
Elaine: Wait, George saw the movie? I saw him yesterday, he didn't mention it.
Jerry: You and George got together?
Elaine: Yeah, I wanted to talk about how we have nothing to talk about.
Jerry: Hello.
Kramer: Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.
Jerry: What's up?
Kramer: Well, ah you were right.
Jerry: About what?
Kramer: Ellen. We, uh, broke up again.
Jerry And Elaine, Together: Awwwwww.
Jerry: Too bad.
Elaine: I thought she was the one.
Kramer: I'll bring back the pot.
Elaine: Okay, c'mon it's movie time.
Kramer: Hey, what are you gonna see?
Jerry: Prognosis Negative.
Kramer: Hey, that's supposed to be great.
Jerry: It's not.
Kramer: How do you know?
Jerry: I have an instinct for these things.
Jerry: I had a parakeet when I was a kid, that was the only pet that I really enjoyed. We used to let him out of his cage, and he would fly around and my mother had built, one entire wall of our living room was mirrored. She felt this gives you a feeling of space. Have you ever heard this interior design principle that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of a jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole nother room in there. There's a guy in there looks just like me." But the parakeet will fall for this, you'll let him out of his cage, he flies around the room, BANG! With his little head, he would just go 'click' Ohh! And I'd always think, even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?


Jerry: Does it seem to you that the ventriloquist dummy has a very active sexual social life? he's always talking about dates and women that he knows and bringing them back to the suitcase at night, there's always a sawdust joke in there somewhere you know, kinky things cuz he's made out of wood an' he can spin his head around, we're somehow expected to believe because the face is soo animated that they think we aren't noticing that the feet are just swinging there, dummy feet never look right do they? they're just kinda dangling there, always kinda askew you know? you always see just little ankle, those thin fabric ankles that they have you know. Ya think 'I don't think this thing is real.'
Jerry: Let me speak with the head librarian. ... Because it's absurd. An overdue book from 1971? ... This is a joke right? What are you? From a radio station?
Kramer: enters
Jerry: Ya' got me I fell for it. Alright, OK I can be down there in like a half hour. Bye.
Kramer: What's the problem?
Jerry: This you're not goin' to believe. The NYPL says that I took out Tropic of Cancer in 1971 and never returned it.
Kramer: Do you know how much that comes to? That's a nickel a day for 20 years. It's going to be $50,000
Jerry: It doesn't work like that.
Kramer: If it's a dime a day it could be $100,000
Jerry: It's not going to be anything. I returned the book. I remember it very vividly because I was with Sherry Becker. She wore this orange dress. It was the first time I ever saw her in a dress like that. In oticed since ninth grade she was developing this body in secret under these loose clothes for like two years. And then one day ...
Jerry: That orange dress is burned in my memory
Kramer: Oh, memory burn.
Jerry: I wonder what ever happened to her.
Kramer: How did they ever find you?
Jerry: Oh, computers, they're cracking down now on overdue books. The whole thing is completely ridiculous.
Jerry: It's George. Wait 'til he hears we're going to the library
Kramer: You know I never got a library card.
Jerry: (to speaker) Coming down.
Kramer: It's all a bunch of cheapskates in there anyway. People sitting around reading the newspaper attached to huge wooden sticks Trying to save a quarter, ooh,
Jerry: I gotta go to the library. You want to go?
Kramer: Yeah,
Kramer: The Dewey Decimal System, what a scam that was. Boy that Dewey guy really cleaned up on that deal.
Jerry: Where's George
Reader: Shhh.
Kramer: Tryin' to save a quarter.
Jerry: I kinda like those sticks. I'd like to get them in my house.
Jerry: This woman's completely ignoring me.
Kramer: Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship.. ... Spinster. ... Maybe a virgin. ... Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She was a schoolgirl. There was a boy It didn't work out. Now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. She needs a little Kramer.
Jerry: Eventually a little shot of penicillin
Librarian: Yes?
Jerry: Yeah I called before. I got his notice in the mail.
Librarian: Oh, Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller, Uh, this case has been turned over to our library investigation officer Mr. Bookman.
Kramer: Bookman? The library investigator's name is actually, Bookman?
Librarian: It's true.
Kramer: That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named, Cone.
Librarian: Lt. Bookman has been working here for 25 years so I think he's heard all the jokes.
Jerry: Can I speak with this Bookman?
Librarian: Just a second.
George: Jerry, Jerry
Jerry: What?
George: I think I saw him. I think it's him.
Jerry: Who?
George: Did you see the homeless guy on the library steps screaming obsenities and doing some calesthetics routine
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: yeah
George: I think that's Mr. Hayman. ...The gym teacher from our High School.
Reader: Shhh.
Jerry: (whispers) Haymen, Are you sure?
George: He's older, completely covered in filth, no whistle, but I think it's him.
Jerry: George got him fired. He squealed on him.
Kramer: Ooh tattle tale
George: (yells) I didn't tattle
Reader: Shh Shh
Kramer: What did this guy do? What happened?
George: There was an incident. I'd rather not discuss it.
Kramer: Oh come on, You can tell me.
George: Some other time.
Kramer: What tonight?
Kramer: Y'know I never figured you for a squealer.
Jerry: Oh, he sang like a canary.
Librarian: Mr. Bookman's not here.
Jerry: Not here? Why was I told to come down here?
Librarian: He'll be out all afternoon on a case.
Kramer: He's out on a case? He actually goes out on cases?
Jerry: Well what am I supposed to do now?
Librarian: I'll have Mr. Bookman get in touch with you.
Jerry: All right Thanks. Come on lets go
George: Let's see if it's Hayman?
Kramer: Hey, uh, I'll see you boys later. (TURNS TO LIBRARIAN) So uh, what's a guy got to do around here to get a library card?
Elaine: Where's Karen?
Secretary: She went to pick up lunch.
Elaine: Well, she didn't ask me what I wanted.
Secretary: She must have forgot.
Elaine: How could she forget I've been ordering lunch every day here for 3 and a half years?
Secretary: I don't know anything.
Elaine: Ah, you don't know anything. You see, "I don't know anything", means there's something to know. If you really didn't know anything you would have said "You're crazy."
Elaine: Oh, hi Mr. Lippman.
Lippman: Elaine,
Elaine: Um, uh, I was wondering if you got a chance to look at that , um, biography of Columbus, I gave you?
Lippman: Yes I did. Yes I did. ... Maureen this water is still too cold.
Elaine: Ooh yeah, It's freezing. ... Hurts your teeth.
Elaine: I'm tellin' ya' somethin' is goin' on. He never likes anything I recommend. And then that lunch thing.
Jerry: So they forgot to get your lunch. Big deal!
Elaine: What do you know. You've never worked in an office. (TURNS TO GEORGE) See, George, you've worked in an office. Jerry thinks I'm over reacting but you understand, ... LUNCH!
George: I don't understand lunch, I don't know anything about lunch. Listen. Just because I got the guy fired doesn't mean I turned him into a bum - does it?
Elaine: What did he do?
George: He purposely mispronounced my name. Instead of saying, "Costanza" He'd say, "Can't stand ja". "Can't stand ja" ... He made me smell my own gym socks once.
Jerry: I remember he made you wear a jock on your head for a whole class. And the straps were hangin' down by his ,...
George: OK, OK, I never even had him for gym.
Jerry: I had him for Hygene. Remember his teeth. It was like from an exhumed corpse.
George: Little baked beans
Jerry: Echh
Elaine: Come on tell me what happened.
George: Well, OK. As I said the guy had it in for me. He actually failed me in gym. ... ME!
George: ... Those spastic shnitzer twins ...
Heyman: Can't stand ja ... Can't stand ja
George: Yes, Mr. Hayman
Heyman: Your underwear was stick'n out of your shorts during gym class.
George: Well I guess that's because I wear boxer shorts.
Heyman: Boxer shorts, ha ha, Well what brand?
George: I'm not really sure, I...
Heyman: Well let's take a look.
George: He gave me a wedgie.
Jerry: He got fired the next day.
Elaine: Why do they call it a wedgie?
George: Because the underwear is pulled up from the back and ... it wedges in..
Jerry: They also have an atomic wedgie. Now the goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. Very rare.
Elaine: Boys are sick.
Jerry: Well what do girls do ?
Elaine: We just tease some one 'til they develop an eating disorder. guy who ruined his life.
George: I gotta go back to the library and talk to him. I gotta find out if I&Mac226;m the guy who ruined his life.
Kramer: Hey Babaloo, you better get home. You know this guy Bookman from the library he's waiting for ya.
Jerry: What's amazing to me about the library is it's a place where you go in you can take out any book you whant they just give it to you and say bring it back when you're done. It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everbody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend. And that's why everybody kinds of bullies the library. I'll bring it back on time ... I'll bring it back late. ... Oh, what are you going to do? Charge me a nickel?
Jerry: Oh, I'm glad you're here, so we can get this all straightened out. Would you like a cup of tea?
Bookman: You got any coffee?
Jerry: Coffee?
Bookman: Yeah. Coffee.
Jerry: No, I don't drink coffee.
Bookman: Yeah, you don't drink coffee? How about instant coffee?
Jerry: No, I don't have-
Bookman: You don't have any instant coffee?
Jerry: Well, I don't normally-
Bookman: Who doesn't have instant coffee?
Jerry: I don't.
Bookman: You buy a jar of Folger's Crystals, you put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. Then later on when you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried Crystals.
Jerry: Really? I'll have to remember that.
Bookman: You took this book out in 1971.
Jerry: Yes, and I returned it in 1971.
Bookman: Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella.
Jerry: Look, Mr. Bookman. I-I returned that book. I remember it very specifically.
Bookman: You're a comedian, you make people laugh.
Jerry: I try.
Bookman: You think this is all a big joke, don't you?
Jerry: No, I don't.
Bookman: I saw you on T.V. once; I remembered your name-from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law?
Jerry: Certainly not.
Bookman: Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy Party time is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!
Kramer: What's wrong?
Marion: It's Bookman the library cop.
Kramer: So I, I didn't do anything wrong.
Marion: I'm supposed to be at work. I could get fired. I shouldn't have come here.
Kramer: Why don't ya' leave?
Marion: I can't.
Jerry: No way I'm payin' that! I returned that book in 1971. I have a witness Sherry Becker. She wore an orange dress. She gave me a piece of black jack gum. It's a licorice gum. What do ya' think of next I remember it. (thinks out loud, opens phone book) Becker, ... Becker, ...
Sherry: Kevin went to a public school, he's the 14 year old? We were gonna' send Marsha to a private school. Cause in some way they don't learn ... enough ... I think.
Jerry: So Sherry, what do you remember about that day at the library?
Sherry: I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a Friday afternoon. I wore a purple dress.
Jerry: Purple? Ya' sure it wasn't orange?
Sherry: Positive. And I was chewin' Dentyne. I always chewed dentyne. Remember Jerry? Dentyne?
Jerry: No Black Jack?
Sherry: Uch! Licorice gum? Never! We were ah, reading pasages to each other from that Henry Miller book,
Jerry: Tropic of Cancer.
Sherry: No, Tropic of Capricorn
Jerry: Tropic of Capricorn?
Sherry: Rememba? What holds the world togetha' ... "As I have learned from bitter experience is sexual intercourse ."
Jerry: Wait a second. Wait a second. You're right. I had both of them.
Jerry: George, here's the book. Don't let anybody see it. Don't let anything happen to it.
George: Jerry, it's me, George, don't worry, I'll return it
Jerry: Ok, I'll see you after school. I.m late for Hayman's hygiene.
Sherry: Where ya' going?
Jerry: It was nice seeing you again. I just remembered something. I've got to go. (to old man that enters) It was GEORGE!
Kramer: Read another poem.
Marion: Pressed chest fleshed out west Might be the saviour or a garden pest.
Kramer: Wow, that is great. You should be published.
Kramer: You know, the library is kind of a cool place when it's closed.
Marian: Oh, yeah. You don't have to be quiet. Listen to the echo HELLO!
Kramer: HELLO!
Marian: HELLO!
Kramer: HELLO!
Marian: HELLO!
Bookman (Emerging): Hello!
Marian (Turning, Surprised): Mr. Bookman.
Bookman: I remember when the librarian was a much older woman Kindly, discreet, unattractive. We didn't know anything about her private life. We didn't want to know anything about her private life. She didn't have a private life. While you're thinking about that, think about this The library closes at five o'clock, no exceptions. This is your final warning. Got that, kewpie-doll?
Elaine: Lippman want's to see me in his office SEE ME! That can't be good
Jerry: Maybe you're getting' a raise.
Elaine: Maybe I'm getting' a wedgie.
Elaine: What?
George: It's George
Elaine: George is on his way up.
Jerry: Wait 'til I tell him about the book.
Kramer: (reading) sobs
Elaine: Are you OK? What? What?
Kramer: It's Marion's poetry. I can't take it (leaves sobbing)
Elaine: Remember that biography I recommended? MY BOSS HATED IT
Jerry: I'm right here.
Elaine: Remember that Columbus book?
Jerry: Columbus, Euro trash.
George: Well, it's definetly him.
Elaine: Him? Him who?
George: Him who? Hayman him.
Elaine: Hayman The gym teacher? You found him?
George: Oh, I found him. He was sitting on the steps of the library. I sat down next to him. He smelled like the locker room after that game against Erasmus
Jerry: That was double overtime.
George: So I said, "Mr. Hayman, It's me george Costanza, JFK, ... " He doesn't move. So I said uh, "Can't stand ya'", "Can't stand ya'" He turns and smiles, the little baked bean teeth. I get up to run away, but something was holding me back. It was Heyman. He had my underwear. There I was on the steps of the 42nd St. library , a grown man, getting a wedgie.
Elaine: At least it wasn't atomic.
George: It was.
Jerry: So Georgie Boy, guess what happened to TROPIC OF CANCER
George: How should I know?
Jerry: Because I gave it to you.
George: Me?
Jerry: Yeah, think. Don't you remember you kept begging me to see it then finally I agreed. You were supposed to return it. I met you in the gym locker room.
George: The locker room!
Jerry: Here's the book. Don't let anybody see it. Don't let anything happen to it.
George: Jerry, it's me, George, don't worry, I'll return it tomorrow, no problem.
Jerry: All right, I'll see you after school. I,,m late for Hayman's hygiene.
Heyman: Can't Stand Ya'.
George: Yes Mr. Hayman.
Heyman: Your underwear was stick'n out of your shorts during gym class.
George: Well I guess that's because I wear boxer shorts.
Heyman: Boxer shorts, ha? Well what brand?
George: I'm not really sure, I...
Heyman: Well let's take a look.
George: (shouting) No No No!
Jerry: Anyway, I hope there's no hard feelings.
Bookman: Hard feelings? What do you know about hard feelings? Y'ever have a man die in your arms? Y'ever kill somebody?
Jerry: What is your problem?
Bookman: What's my problem? Punks like you, that's my problem. And you better not screw up again Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pitbull on a poodle.
Jerry: (after Bookman exits) That is one tough monkey! (turns to Elaine) So you were saying?
Elaine: Oh? So, I took your suggestion and I gave my boss Marion's poems. The ones that affected Kramer so much.
Jerry: Oh, beautiful did he like them?
Elaine: No, ... he didn't! No, ... he didn't!
Jerry: (to George) Was he out there?
George: Na, he's gone. I wonder what happened to him.
Jerry: I guess we'll never know.
Heyman: Can't stand ya, (laughing) Can't stand ya. (pan to TROPIC OF CANCER on ground)
Jerry: Any day that you had gym it was a weird school day, you know what I mean because it kind of like started of kind of normal. You have like English, Geometry, Social Studies and then suddenly you're like in Lord of The Flies for 40 minutes you know you're hangin' from a rope. You have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yellin' at ya' "Where's your jock strap?" Ya' know and kids are throwin' dodge balls at you. You're tryin' to survive ... Then its History, Science, Language. There's something off in the entire flow of that day.


[Act One Scene A Int. Escalator - Going Down To A Garage. In Single File: GEORGE, JERRY AND ELAINE, WHO'S CARRYING A PLASTIC BAG WITH GOLDFISH, AND KRAMER WHO'S HAVING A ROUGH TIME WITH A LARGE, HEAVY BOX.]
George: One left...what a joke.
Kramer: You can have this one.
George: No, that's not enough BTUs for my living room...That was a complete waste of time.
Elaine: Hey, I didn't get one either.
Jerry: Why do I always have the feeling that everybody's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?
Elaine: This is what people do.
Jerry: No they don't. They're out on some big picnic. They're cooking burgers. They're making out on blankets. They're not at some mall in Jersey watching their friends trying to find the world's cheapest air-conditioner.
George: You should see what my father used to go through before he bought a car. He'd go from state to state. He was away for weeks at a time. It was like he was running for President and he was going through the primaries. We'd get phone calls from motels in New Hampshire.
Elaine: So we took a little ride. What's the big deal?
George: Well at least you accomplished something. You got fish.
Jerry: Big accomplishment.
George: Fish. What do they do?
Elaine: What do you do?
Kramer: It's this way.
George: What time is it?
Jerry: Five o'clock.
George: Always late. Always late.
Jerry: You're not late.
George: I told them to meet me in front of my building at six-fifteen.
Elaine: Who?
George: My parents. It's their anniversary. I'm taking them out to dinner and a show tonight. You think we'll hit traffic?
Jerry: Of course we'll hit traffic. It's rush hour.
Elaine: Isn't it going the other way?
Jerry: There is no other way in New York. Everybody goes every way all the time.
Elaine: But it's Saturday.
Jerry: You got the picnic and burger traffic.
George: I always get myself in this position. Can't be on time. Gotta rush.
Elaine: What's the matter?
Jerry: I have to go to the bathroom. Why do they hide the bathroom in these malls?
Jerry: (CONT'D) You want me to help you with that?
Kramer: No, no, I got it.
Jerry: (TO GEORGE, REWOMAN) What do you think, Georgie boy?
George: Did I need that pointed out for me? What is that going to do for me? How does that help me, to see her? I'm trying to live my life. Don't show me that.
Kramer: If you like her, go talk to her.
George: Yeah, right. I'll just go up and say, "Hi, how ya' doing? Would you like a glass of white wine?" JERRY Before you got within twenty feet of this woman, she'd have her finger on the mace button. She's like an expensive car with one of those motion-sensor force field alarms. Any sudden movement in the area could set her off.
Kramer: She's fat.
Elaine: Oh she's fat?
Elaine: What? JERRY Where's the car?
Kramer: I thought it was here.
George: You don't know where we parked?
George: Oh, this is great.
Kramer: Blue-one. I thought it was blue-one.
Jerry: I thought it was green. I remember seeing green.
Elaine: I didn't pay attention.
George: This is just what I need.
Elaine: I'm sure it's right around here.
Kramer: It looks familiar. I remember the elevator.
George: There's elevators all over! It all looks the same.
Jerry: It's over there. I know where it is.
Elaine: It's black, right?
Kramer: Dark blue.
George: (MUMBLING) You come to a parking lot, you write it down. How hard is that?
Jerry: There it is!...No, no that's a Toyota.
Jerry: (CONT'D) Hmmm...I thought it was...
Kramer: Didn't we come in over there?
Jerry: I thought it was over there.
Elaine: How long can fish live in one of these plastic bags?
Kramer: About two hours.
Elaine: (SHE LOOKS AT HER WATCH) You'd better find this car.
George: It's this way... AND THEY TAKE OFF AGAIN, PAIRING OFF
Jerry: I really have to go to the bathroom.
Kramer: Why don't you go behind one of these cars? J
Kramer: (CONT'D) Why? Nobody's around.
Jerry: I'll wait.
Kramer: You know when you hold it in like that you can cause a lot of damage to your bladder. That's what happens to truck drivers. They hold it in all the time. Eventually it starts coming out involuntarily.
Jerry: Alright.
Kramer: Jerry, are you aware that adult diapers are a six hundred million dollar a year industry?
Jerry: Maybe I should just go anytime I get the urge like you...wherever I am. There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character.
Elaine: (RE CAR) There it is!...No that's not it.
Elaine: (CONT'D) Hey, watch it. ...Did you see that car? Maniac. Can you explain something to me? I got six questions wrong on my drivers test. That's the maximum. I read the book, I'm a college graduate. This is a country where fifty percent of its high school students can't locate Europe on a map. How are they all passing that test? It's a mystery.
George: ...Six wrong?
Elaine: Those school zones are a killer.
Jerry: (TO KRAMER, REBOX) Will you let me help you with that?
Kramer: I'm gonna put it down behind that car.
Jerry: You're not worried somebody's gonna pee on it?
Kramer: (TO GEORGE) Pink eleven. Remember that.
George: Oh I got it. (TO JERRY) That I'm supposed to remember. Where the car is, that's insignificant.
Elaine: (LOOKING AT FISH) I think they're laboring.
Kramer: Look at this place. It's huge...
George: I can tell you this. If I am not in front of my house at six-fifteen, when my parents get there, they will put me on an aggravation installment plan that will compound with interest for decades.
Jerry: Parents never forget a foul-up. I once left a jacket on the bus when I was fourteen. Last week I'm flying to Chicago to do a show, "Make sure you hang on to your jacket."
George: Where the hell is this car, Kramer?
Kramer: It's got to be here.
Elaine: Why are they using so many colors? And the numbers go up to forty.
Jerry: Maybe it's not on this level.
George: What?
Jerry: There are four different levels. Maybe we're on the wrong level. How long was the escalator ride up?
Elaine: It felt like a couple of levels.
Jerry: You should always carry a pad and pen.
George: I can't carry a pen. I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum.
Kramer: I have a pen.
Jerry: Where was the bathroom in this mall? There are six-hundred stores, I didn't see one bathroom. What is this, like a joke? They finished building the mall and they go, "Oh my god, we forgot the bathrooms."
Mother: (O.C.) Don't you dare talk to me like that! You hear me?
Elaine: Look at that woman.
Mother: I told you! I don't care! You'll have to wait.
George: (TO WOMAN) Hey, is that necessary?
Mother: (TO GEORGE) Why don't you mind your own business?
George: I think hitting a defenseless child is my business.
Kid: (TO GEORGE) You're ugly.
George: ...What?
Kid: You're ugly.
George: You are!
Kid: You are!
George: I should've hit the little son-of-a-bitch. I can't stand kids. Adults think it's so wonderful how honest kids are. I don't need that kind of honesty. I'll take a deceptive adult over an honest kid any day.
Kramer: (RE CAR) I found it!
Elaine: He's got it.
Kramer: Oh...no.
Jerry: All right, that's it. From now on no more calling out they found it, unless we're sitting in it. Okay?
Elaine: Jerry, look at my fish.
Jerry: His eyes look a little cloudy.
George: Oh are they gonna be furious.
Jerry: Who's got the tickets? GEORGE I do. (TO KRAMER) I thought you knew this mall. You said you'd been here before!
Kramer: It was easy the last time.
Elaine: My fish are dying right in front of me! We have to get someone to drive us around the parking lot to help us look for the car.
Jerry: No one's going to do that.
Elaine: Excuse me, we can't seem to find our car. I was wondering if it would be possible if you're not in a hurry, to drive us around the garage for five minutes so we can look.
Man #1: (HOLDING HIS HANDS UP) ...Sorry.
Elaine: Five minutes.
Man #1: Can't do it.
Elaine: We're not wilding.
Elaine: (CONT'D) Excuse me - I can't seem to find my car - do you think you could drive me...
Elaine: (CONT'D) Oh that's funny? Is that funny? Well tell me if you think this is funny These fish are dying! They're gasping for oxygen right now! They'll be floating in an hour. Is that funny too?
Jerry: Those are really ugly sneakers. Where did you get those?
Kramer: Right here at the mall.
Elaine: Excuse me...
Elaine: (CONT'D) Sorry to have disturbed you. Terribly sorry. But the fish will be dead. You do know that. They can't live in plastic. That's not me talking, that's science.
Jerry: It's amazing how shopping makes me have to go. All I have to do is walk into a department store and it's like some kind of horse laxative just kicked in.
Kramer: You drank a whole bottle of water.
Jerry: I know.
Kramer: So why don't you just go?
Jerry: No I can't.
Kramer: Don't you get tired of following rules?
Jerry: You think I'm too cautious?
Kramer: Why be uncomfortable if you don't have to? It's organic.
Jerry: Organic. So's Buddy Hackett.
Kramer: Buddy Hackett?
Jerry: He's a comedian.
Kramer: I know.
Jerry: All right. All right.
Kramer: (pointing) You can go over here.
Jerry: I can manage.
Kramer: (turns away and spots George) George! (leaves scene)
Kramer: It'll take you ten seconds.
Jerry: Okay, okay. I'll be right back.
Security Guard: Okay, let's go. Come with me.
Jerry: But...
Security Guard: Come on.
Jerry: (STARTS TO LEAVE, TO HIMSELF) ...Kramer
Jerry: I've had this condition since I was eleven! I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life. I have no control over it. Doctors have told me that when I feel it, the best thing to do is just release it. Otherwise, I could die.
Security Guard: Well you're still not allowed.
Jerry: Do you hear what I'm saying to you?! I'm telling you that if I don't go, I could die. Die. Is it worth dying for?
Security Guard: That's up to you.
Jerry: So you don't care if I die.
Security Guard: What I care about is the sanitary condition of the parking facility.
Jerry: It was life and death.
Security Guard: Uh huh.
Jerry: Oh I'm lying. Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law.
Security Guard: I don't know.
Jerry: Because I could get Uromysitisis poisoning and die. That's why!...Do you think I enjoy living like this?...the shame, the humiliation...You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning.
Jerry: (C0NT'D) Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place. You want to call the Department of Social Services? Oh, it's Saturday. They're closed today. My luck.
Security Guard: You can tell the police all about it.
Kramer: (CALLING OUT) Jerry!
Elaine: Jerry!
George: Unbelievable, I'm never gonna get out of here. The guy goes to pee, he never comes back. It's like a science fiction story.
Elaine: Maybe he went to one of the other levels. I'll go look for him.
George: Oh now you're gonna go? ELAINE I'll be back in five minutes.
George: If you go now, I know what's gonna happen. We'll find the car, Jerry will show up, and then we'll never find you.
Elaine: No, no, I'll be back.
George: Oh what's the difference? We'll all be dead eventually.
Kramer: Does that bother you?
George: Yeah, it bothers me. Doesn't it bother you?
Kramer: Not at all.
George: See now that bothers me even more than dying bothers me, cause it's people like you who live to be a hundred and twenty because you're not bothered by it. How could it not bother you?
Kramer: I once saw this thing on T.V. with people who are terminally ill. And they all believed the secret of life is just to live every moment.
George: Yeah, yeah. I've heard that. Meanwhile I'm here with you in a parking garage, what am I supposed to do?
Jerry: First of all you don't even know technically that I went. That's for starters. I mean I could've been pouring a bottle of water out there. You don't know.
Security Guard: I know what you did.
Jerry: Oh really, do you? Well it just so happens that I did pour water out. I had a bottle of very tepid water and I poured it out. And I could see how you made a mistake, because pouring water out sounds very much like a person urinating.
Jerry: (CONT'D) And you know when you think about it it's really quite an amusing case of mistaken identity. That's all it is.
Security Guard: Yeah I'm sure.
Jerry: You know this is not the first time this has happened to me. I always carry water because of my condition. It dehydrates me. It's a vicious cycle.
Elaine: And now he's gone. I'm sure he's looking for the car. Five minutes, that's all. I just want to find him.
Man #1: I can't do it.
Elaine: But why? Why can't you do it?
Man #1: I can't.
Elaine: No, see that's not a reason you can't. You just don't want to.
Man #1: That's right.
Elaine: But why? Why don't you want to?
Man #1: I don't know.
Elaine: But wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out?
Man #: 1 No, I wouldn't.
Jerry: (A NEW TACK) All right, all right. I want to apologize. I was frightened, I said crazy things. I obviously offended you. I insulted your intelligence. The uromysitisis, the water bottle...I made it all up, and now...I'm going to tell you the truth. Today my father and mother are celebrating their fiftieth, well I'm jumping ahead here, their forty-seventh wedding anniversary. We made arrangements to spend the evening together. They are supposed to be in front of my building at six-fifteen.
Jerry: (CONT'D) What I haven't told you, or anyone else for that matter, is that my father's been in a Red Chinese prison for the past fourteen years.
Kramer: The guy's got a fat fetish. Spector never dates a woman under two hundred-fifty pounds.
George: (NOT INTERESTED) Really.
Kramer: What does he do with all that fat? Does he just jump up and down on it? Does he gouge it like Killer Kowalski?
George: Who's Killer Kowalski?
Kramer: He was a wrestler. He would grab hold of someone's stomach and just squeeze it until they gave.
George: I've gotta go to the bathroom.
Kramer: So go. GEORGE Here?
Kramer: (SHAKING HIS HEAD) You and Jerry.
George: Don't you believe me? It's their fiftieth anniversary. You know this is gonna kill him. You're aware of that. Kill him. On the biggest night of his life...
Security Guard: Oh your folks have an anniversary today too?
Jerry: (TO GEORGE) Was he also in a Red Chinese prison?
George: (TO JERRY, SOMEWHAT IMPRESSED) A Red Chinese prison?
Kramer: George! George!
Elaine: Jerry! (THEN SHE CHECKS HER FISH)
Jerry: Well what happened was my father was staying in the home of one of Red China's great military leaders, General Chang, who by the way came up with the recipe for General Chang's chicken. You know, the one with the red peppers and orange peel at Szechwan Gardens? GEORGE Sure, I have it all the time. Very spicy.
Jerry: Well General Chang was a very flamboyant man. A complete failure as a general, but a helluva cook.
Elaine: (O.C.) Jerry! JERRY Elaine?!
Elaine: (O.C.) Jerry! Over here...
Elaine: (CONT'D) Where have you been?
Jerry: I was arrested for urinating.
George: (PROUDLY) Me too.
Elaine: You what?
Jerry: I have uromysitisis. It's very serious you know.
Elaine: Look at my fish... (JERRY EXAMINES IT) Is he...
Jerry: No, but he's not looking good... (ELAINE TURNS TO TWO HUGE BODY BUILDERS IN WORKOUT WEAR)
Elaine: (DESPERATE) Please, we can't find our car. Please drive us around the parking lot to find our car. My fish are dying.
Man #2: Can't do it.
Elaine: I can see not caring what happens to us, we're human. But what about the fish? The fish?
Man #3: Sorry. (THEY KEEP WALKING.)
Elaine: That's right, go. Go home to your dumbbells. Work on your pecs. I'm really impressed.
Elaine: (CONT'D) That's right you heard me. You got a problem with that?
George: Elaine, shut-up.
Jerry: Hey, where's Kramer?
George: I don't know. (TO ELAINE) Where's Kramer?
Elaine: I thought he was with you.
George: See, I knew it. I knew this was gonna happen...
George: (CONT'D) Look at the time, that's it.
Elaine: Have we looked over there? Have we checked that side?
George: We came in over there!
Elaine: We didn't come in over there!
Jerry: Where's Kramer?
Jerry: Hey George, there she is again. ...
George: So what do you want me to do?
Jerry: Ask her to drive us around. There's your opening.
George: That is an opening.
George: (CONT'D) Excuse me...I really... What's happened is that my friend forgot where he parked and if you're not in a big hurry, we'd really appreciate it if...
Amy: Oh sure, I'll drive you around.
George: You will?
Amy: Sure.
George: Thanks a lot. I'm really late. My parents are waiting in front of my building and we're stuck here.
Amy: I wouldn't want to get lost in here. It smells like a toilet. People are such animals.
George: Yeah, right.
Jerry: Filthy pigs.
George: It's a blue Honda...
Amy: This has happened to me too. It's very frustrating.
Elaine: Hi, I'm Elaine.
Jerry: Jerry.
Amy: Hello.
Elaine: It's very nice of you to do this. I've asked several people and they wouldn't even answer me.
Amy: I'm happy to do it. (TO GEORGE) I'm Amy.
George: Hi Amy, I'm George.
George: (TALKING IN PASSENGER WINDOW) I didn't mean anything by it. I don't even know L. Ron Hubbard! I didn't know you were...
George: (CONT'D) ...with that group.
Elaine: (SHOUTING TO AMY) What about my fish?
Jerry: Boy, those Scientologists. They can be pretty sensitive.
Elaine: I'll say.
Elaine: What is it? (THEY DISCOVER WHAT HE'S STARING AT) The car!
Jerry: The car!
George: The car!
Elaine: We found it. I can't believe it!
George: Kramer, Kramer's not here...I knew it. I knew it! I knew this would happen. (SCREAMING) Kramer! Kramer!
Jerry: Kramer!
Jerry: Kramer.
Kramer: Jerry?
Jerry: Yeah, over here.
Kramer: Boy I had a helluva time finding that air-conditioner. I looked everywhere. I completely forgot where I hid it. You know where it was?
George: Purple 23.
Kramer: Right! Purple 23. I could've used you.
George: Sometimes it's good to have a pencil to write these things down.
Kramer: What time is it?
George: Seven forty-five.
Kramer: Well at least there's no traffic.
George: Right.
Kramer: What time does that play start?
George: Eight o'clock.
Kramer: That might be a problem. (TO ELAINE) Where's your little bag of...
Kramer: (CONT'D) Oh...(TAKES OUT PARKING STUB) Boy this garage is going to cost a fortune. You know how long we were here?


George: She thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice, but women don'tnice.
Jerry: This is amazing, I haven't seen one person go in to that restaurant since it opened. Poor guy.
George: Why is nice bad? What kind a of sick society we are living in, when nice is bad?
Jerry: What's that smell? What are you wearing?
George: What, a 'little' cologne.
Jerry: Manly.
George: Monica wants me to wear it.
Jerry: So why didn't you say no?
George: I'm too nice.
Jerry: Look at this poor guy. His family is probably in Pakistan - they're waiting him to send back money. This is horrible.
George: She wants me to take an IQ test.
Jerry: That's because you're stupid enough to wear the cologne.
George: No, she's taking this course in education for her masters. It's part of her research project, so I have to be a guinea pig.
Jerry: I've never been a guinea pig. I've been a sheep, a tody.
George: You know, I can't talk to you anymore.
Jerry: All right, I'm sorry. Go ahead, you're taking the IQ test.
George: Yeah, and she's going to find I'm a moron. You know, people think I'm smart, but I'm not smart.
Jerry: Who thinks you're smart?
George: I'm not going to break a hundred on this thing.
Jerry: What thing?
George: You don't listen when people talk to you anymore!
Jerry: Oh, Oh, the IQ thing...yeah.
George: I'm sure I have a low IQ. I've been lying about my SAT scores for 15 years.
Jerry: What'd ya get?
George: What did I get or what do I say I got?
Jerry: What do you say?
George: I say fourteen o nine (1409).
Jerry: 1409, that's a good score.
George: Psst, You're telling me.
Jerry: What did you really get?
George: You are my friend.
Jerry: Of course.
George: I tell you everything, right?
Jerry: I hope so.
George: Well, this I take to the grave.
Jerry: He's serving Mexican, Italian, Chinese. He's all over the place. That's why no one's going in.
Elaine: Why do you keep watching?
Jerry: I don't know, I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for survival. And even though ya know he's not going to make it, y-y-you kind of root for him for a second.
Elaine: And then you flush.
Jerry: Well, it's a spider.
Elaine: You know, sometimes people won't go in a place, if they don't see anyone else in there.
Elaine: Do you have to do that? Jerry, don't do that, that is so annoying.
Jerry: Bazooka Joe.
Jerry: The buzzer.
Elaine: It's your house.
Jerry: My house? You gotta be on the lease to press to buzzer. Yeah? (to the intercom)
Intercom: It's George.
Jerry: Come on up.
Elaine: Casus belli.
Jerry: What's that?
Elaine: It's Latin. I read it in some book. I don't know, I just wanted to say it out loud.
Jerry: Come on, Go in, go in! [watching Dream Cafe with binoculars again]
Elaine: Have you gone in there?
Jerry: No, I'm afraid we'll start talking, and I'll gonna wind up going partners with him.
George: Hey.
Jerry: You know, I could probably shoot him from here. I'd be doing us both a favor.
George: I'm wearing some cologne, all right?
Elaine: Sure, fine.
Jerry: Casus belli.
Elaine: Casus belli.
George: What's that?
Elaine: Since when do you wear cologne?
George: Why is what I do is so important? Why must I be always the focal point of attention? Let me just be, let me live.
Jerry: Hey, how'd you do on that IQ test?
George: I didn't take it, yet.
Elaine: What IQ test?
George: What's casus belli.
Jerry: Oh, it's nothing...
George: Is it about me?
Jerry: Why must you always be the focal point of attention? Why can't you just be? (Elaine laughs - hu) Why can't you live?
Elaine: It's just a Latin phrase George, it does not mean anything. Now, what is this test?
Jerry: This woman he's dating is making him take this IQ test for this course.
Elaine: Oh, that sounds like fun.
George: Yeah, fun. IQ tests are totally bogus. They prove nothing.
Elaine: You'll do well, you're smart.
Jerry: No see, he's not smart. People think he's smart, but he's not.
Elaine: Wha'd you get on your SAT's?
George: It varies.
Jerry: You know, I don't even know my IQ.
Elaine: huh, Mine's 145.
George: 145!
Jerry: Get out of here!
Elaine: You get out of here!
Jerry: You get out of here!
Elaine: Huhuhuhuhuhuhu (laughing)
George: Shst, You should take the test for me.
Elaine: Huh.
Jerry: Boy that'd be something, cheating on a IQ test.
George: Haha (laughs)
Jerry: Hey, remember in college when you passed Lettick the test out the window? You became a legend after that. (stepping over Elaine then George's legs to get to the large blue chair and sits down.)
George: Yeah, yeah I really had some guts back then. Why don't we do it again?
Elaine: What?
George: You could take the IQ test for me. I could pass it to you out a window. We could do it, she lives in the first floor.
Elaine: Are you serious?
George: Why not?
Elaine: Where would I take the test?
George: I don't know, she lives right around the corner. You could take it here or go to the coffee shop.
Elaine: No, that'd be too noisy.
Jerry: Take it to Dream Cafe, you won't hear a peep.
Elaine: Hey, what do you think?
Jerry: Hey, I love a good caper.
Elaine: Yeah, that's what is, isn't it? A caper. Huh.
George: You'll do it?
Elaine: What the hey.
George: Yeaah, beautiful... (They try to hit a high five, but George hits Elaine in the forehead.) Sorry...
Babu Bhatt: Welcome to the Dream Cafe.
Jerry: Well, ah, I've been looking forward to it.
Babu: Oh, ah how did you hear about us?
Jerry: Eh, people, people are talking.
Babu: Smoking or non-smoking? We are proud to offer both.
Jerry: Ah, non-smoking would be great.
Babu: Very good. My name is Babu Bhatt, I will be your waiter. A steaming hot folded face cloth for your pleasure.
Jerry: Thank you. [Throws the towel around like a hot potato.]
Babu: Our specials are tacos, moussaka and franks and beans.
Jerry: Well, ah w-what do you recommend my good fellow?
Babu: Oh, the turkey.
Jerry: Well then the turkey it'll be. And may I say you have a splendid establishment here, my friend. I'm sure you flourish at this location for many, many years.
Babu: You're very kind man. Very kind, thank you. Very kind...
Jerry: (thinks) Very kind. I am a kind man. Who else would do something like this? Nobody. Nobody thinks about people the way I do. All right, snap out of it you stupid jerk. You're eating a turkey sandwich. What do want, a Nobel Prize?
George: You go in the living room. I'll take the test in here.
Monica: But why?
George: I won't be able to, concentrate in front of you.
Monica: Oh, I think you're making too much of this. IQ tests don't mean anything.
George: Are you kidding me? [Elaine walks past the window glancing in] This is the best tool we have today of measuring a persons' intelligence.
Monica: Well, I certainly don't place any importance on it.
George: Well, I think you're wrong about that. [Elaine walks past the window again, glancing in] And ah now if you'll excuse me, I'd really like to get started, please.
Monica: Good luck.
George: Don't need it. N'huhuhu (laughs)
Elaine: What's been going on out there? I've been standing here 20 minutes.
George: I'm sorry I'm sorry, here's the test. Thanks again for doing this - hhe.
Elaine: All right, what time do you want me back here.
George: Ah, ah, twenty to three.
Elaine: Ok.
George: Thanks again.
Elaine: All right.
George: A-and don't settle for 145, you can do better, you're a genius. Heheheh (laughs)
Jerry: Thank you Babu. You have quite a flair. You are quite the restaurateur I must say.
Babu: It is in deed my pleasure.
Jerry: Oh, please...
Babu: Oh, welcome to the Dream Cafe. (runs to get a menu.) Our specials today...
Elaine: Oh, no no no. I'll just have a tea and toast. (sits down across the table from Jerry)
Babu: Tea and toast.
Jerry: Eat something! Babu...
Elaine: Um, ok, ah well I'll have the, th-ri-rigatoni.
Babu: Oh, oh very good choice. Very good.
Jerry: Oh wow, so you got the test. You're cheating.
Elaine: I know.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Oh boy. Woop...
Kramer: Jerry let me ask you something, hi Elaine... (pats her on the shoulder twice.)
Elaine: Hey.
Kramer: This guy leaves this jacket at my mother's house two years ago. Now, she hasn't spoken to him since and now he says he wants the jacket back.
Jerry: So?
Kramer: Well, I'm not giving it back.
Jerry: Why not?
Kramer: Well because I meet a lot of women in this jacket, you know they're attracted to it. I mean why do you think my mother went out with him?
Kramer: Oh, gees...
Elaine: Ok,
Kramer: You're all right
Elaine: Yeah, ok... (takes the test and moves to another table.)
Kramer: (eating some nachos) Anyway, it's been two years. I mean isn't there like statue of limitations on that?
Jerry: Statute.
Kramer: What?
Jerry: Statute of limitations. It's not a statue.
Kramer: No, it's statue.
Jerry: Fine, it's a sculpture of limitations.
Kramer: Wait a minute, Just wait a minute...Elaine, Elaine! Now you're smart, is it statue or statute of limitations?
Elaine: Statute.
Kramer: Oh, I really think you're wrong.
Elaine: Look, Kramer, I have to take this test ok, I don't have a lot of time.
Kramer: What test?
Elaine: An IQ test.
Kramer: Hmm. Why you takin' an IQ test?
Elaine: It's for George.
Kramer: George?
Elaine: Yeah, can-look ... can I explain it to you later?
Kramer: Yeah, but why are you taking an IQ test for George?
Elaine: Would you please?!
Kramer: What, is it for a job or something?
Elaine: Later!
Kramer: You're positive it's statute?
Elaine: Yes, yes! (Jerry shaking his head, like he can't believe what he's seeing)
Babu: Welcome, welcome. A steaming hot face towel for your... (gives Kramer a hot towel and Kramer screams, Elaine screams and Kramer falls from his chair. He gets up and is dazed)
Monica: George?
George: Yeah?
Monica: The door is locked.
George: Oh, it's locked?
Monica: I need to get something.
George: Monica, I'm really focused here, this stuff's a killer. (turns to the next page)
Monica: George!
George: Wish I could. (raises the magazine up in front of his face and continues reading.)
Babu: Nananeena, Ladadeeda, laadadeeda, saadina... Laadadeeda sa saadina (singing too loud)
Elaine: Babu! Ba-If-if ya don't mind?
Babu: Set. ok
Elaine: Set.
Babu: I'll get it ...
Elaine: Oh my God! It's all over the test!
Babu: Oh, I did sc-I'm terribly sorry.
Jerry: Oh my God.
Elaine: Oh man! Look at this... I'm out of time anyway.
Babu: Please, forgive me, please...
Jerry: Go ahead, I'll take care of it.
Elaine: Uhh.
Babu: (opens the door for Elaine) Please, I'm very sorry. Tell your friends!
Jerry: It's all right, she was cheating anyway.
Babu: You're a very kind man.
Jerry: Babu, you're Pakistani, right?
Babu: Yes, Pakistani, yes.
Jerry: Babu, may I say something?
Babu: Of course, you're very smart man, I listen.
Jerry: I am not a restaurateur by any means, but it occurred to me that perhaps you might serve some dishes from your native Pakistan? As opposed to say t-the franks and beans for example.
Babu: But there are no Pakistani people here.
Jerry: Doesn't matter. You would have the only authentic Pakistani restaurant in the whole neighborhood.
Babu: Yes, you see everything, don't you?
Jerry: Well, you know; not everything. I do what I can.
Babu: I close down today and when I open again it'll be all Pakistani restaurant. Thank you, thank you so much, you're very special person, very special.
Elaine: It was an accident.
George: What did you go on a picnic?
Elaine: Babu Bhatt did it.
George: Babu Bhatt? How I'm going to explain this?
Monica: Time's up George.
George: U-ok. (George closes the window and shoos Elaine off. He opens the door to Monica.) Here you go.
Monica: How did you do?
George: Piece of cake; hu.
Monica: What happened to the test?
George: What? Oh I spilled some food on it.
Monica: Food? What food?
George: What are you talking about?
Monica: Where did you get food?
George: From my pocket.
Monica: Your pocket?
George: I eh, I had a sandwich in my pocket.
Monica: And coffee?
George: Yeah, had some coffee, yeah.
Monica: Where did you get the coffee?
George: Where did I get the coffee? Where do think I got the coffee, at the grocery store. (small laugh)
Monica: How did you get there?
George: I walked.
Monica: How did you get out of the apartment? I didn't see you leave.
George: I climbed out the window.
Monica: You climbed out the window?
George: Of course.
Monica: Why didn't you go out the door?
George: The door? Why would I go out the door? The window's right here.
Monica: You're a fascinating man, George Costanza.
[Jerry'S Apartment, Jerry And Elaine. Jerry Is Looking Dream Cafe With Binoculars. There'S A Sign On The Window: Closed for renovation.]
Jerry: The average person in a situation like this, they walk right by it. Not me.
Elaine: You're very special.
Kramer: Hey, do me a favor... Some guy comes in looking for me, tell him you don't know where I am.
Jerry: Of course, I always do.
Kramer: No, no it's that guy. He's really been bugging me about the jacket.
Elaine: Just give it back to him.
Kramer: Oh, he'll have to kill me. (leaves.)
Jerry: Hey Georgie!
George: Coming up.
Jerry: How'd you do on the IQ test?!
George: 85!
Jerry: What?!!
George: 85, Jerry! 85 IQ !
Elaine: 85?
Jerry: Well, well, well...
Elaine: He's coming up?
Jerry: Well, I'm no genius but, according to my calculations he should be here in a few seconds.
Elaine: Yeah, but an 85, Jerry, that's ridiculous.
Jerry: Well, maybe the test was gender bias, you know a lot of questions on hunting and testicles...
George: Oh, hello Professor.
Elaine: George, I cannot believe...
George: Please...
Elaine: No there has got be a mistake.
George: You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.
Jerry: But an 85?
Elaine: Listen, there were too many distractions there. Babu...what ever he's name was and Kramer...I couldn't concentrate.
Elaine: Jerry! It was! Let me take it again.
George: Ooh ho hoo, forget it.
Elaine: Oh, come on, come on. I?ll guarantee 140. What do you have to lose?
George: You could do worse!
Elaine: No, no, come on. I guarantee it.
George: All right, I'll ask her.
Elaine: Ok, now where I'm going to take it.
Jerry: Take it here, I'll leave, there'll be no distractions.
Jerry: Well, congratulations my friend. You know, I'm sorry I missed the grand re-opening. I was out of town for about a week.
Babu: You see how I listen. I work very hard, borrow more money.
Jerry: I think it's fantastic. Has a certain indefinable charm.
Babu: You wish to eat?
Jerry: Let me tell you something Babu. You go back in that kitchen - tell your chef I want the works.
Babu: Very good.
Elaine: (stretching) Oh Man... Uunh.
Elaine: What are you doing?
Kramer: Quiet. Shh, don't say anything.
Elaine: What's going on?
Man Behind The Door: Hey, Kramer! I saw you go there! I'm not leaving until you gimme that jacket. (Bangs on the door) Open up Kramer!
Elaine: Wha'd you come in here for?
Kramer: Ah, well I thought I'd throw him off. See, he knows where I live.
Elaine: Well Kramer, I have to return this test. I've got to get out of here.
Kramer: I thought you took the test.
Elaine: I had to take it again.
Kramer: How come?
Elaine: What's the difference?!!
Kramer: Well, you can't leave now.
Elaine: What?
Man Behind The Door: Come on, Kramer! I want that jacket back!
Kramer: Never!
Monica: Come on George, open up.
Monica: Well?
George: How' you doing?
Monica: Where's the test?
George: Hunh, You know, it's the damnedest thing. I went out the window again to, to get a cup of coffee...
Jerry: Babu? Babu...[waves Babu to come to table] Babu...you know, I got to tell you, I never do this, but the shrimp, it's just, it's a little stringy. You have any chicken?
Babu: The shrimp is stringy?
Jerry: Well, maybe your refrigerator...
Babu: Quiet!!
Jerry: No I...
Babu: You shut up!
Jerry: Well I...
Babu: You make me change restaurant, but nobody come! You say make Pakistani, Babu Bhatt have only Pakistani restaurant. But where are people? You see people? Show me people. There are no people!
Jerry: You know, I think I'll just take the check.
Babu: You bad man! You very very bad man! [leaves]
Jerry: (thinking) Bad man? Could've my mother been wrong?
Monica: Are you looking for George?
Elaine: Well eh, kind of...
Monica: George left.
Elaine: Oh.
Monica: Is, that the test?
Elaine: Oh, this...emm...yeah...here you go.
Monica: Thanks. I hope you do a lot better this time.
Elaine: Actually, you know I think I did. The first time I couldn't really cons...[Monica closes the window]...entrate.
Jerry: You know what it was, bad location.
George: Come on, lets not stand here too long, we might run in to her.
Jerry: Aren't you cold? Where's your jacket?
Kramer: h-Yeah...
Jerry: Oh, sorry.
Kramer: I'm going upstairs.
Elaine: Hey guys...
Jerry: Hey.
Elaine: I just ran in to Monica. You know what my IQ is? 151.
Jerry: 151?
Elaine: Yeah..heheah (laughing a bit)
George: That's a good score.
Jerry: So, what are you up for? How about Mexican?
George: Italian.
Elaine: No, Chinese.
Jerry: You know, what would be great?


Jerry: ...hair that was on your shower soap today could be in your head tomorrow. How did they do the first transplant? Did they have the guy take a shower , get his soap , rush it in there by helicopter, you know keep the soap alive on the soap support system ...looks it over. "We got the hair but I think we lost the Zest." ...rejects the transplant with organs. Is it possible that a head could reject the hair transplant . Guy just standin' there and suddenly... ..Bink! ( motions hair flying out of his head)....lands in someone's frozen yogurt.
Repairman: ...The gaskets that you have here are asymmetrical.
Jerry: Ah..ha!.. really. ( Jerry is barely listening to him )
Repairman: So I took off the motor relay on the compressor...'cos you..you (stutters) you've got some discoloration
Jerry: Oh! well whatever you have to do.
Repairman: I was working with one...mount at a time 'cos you don't wanna disturb the position of the compressor.
Jerry: (sarcastically) No you don't..
George: Hey! what are listening to?
Jerry: My show from last night.
George: Oh! you taped it?
Jerry: Yeah , I was doing new material.
George: Hey! Did 'ya ever do that thing on the toes that I said .
Jerry: Huh?
George: Yeah! like the big toe is like the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big that there's like a power struggle and the second toe assumes control of the foot.
Jerry: The" coup d-toe"
George: Yeah. Did you do it?
Jerry: Yeah!
George: So?
Jerry: Nothin'...nothing at all.
George: Need to use the phone.
Jerry: Who you calling?
George: China.
Jerry: China really?
George: Yeah. I'll pay for it.
Jerry: What for?
George: What for? . I'll tell you what for... for hair.
Jerry: Hair?
George: The Chinese have done it my friend. The Chinese have done it.
Jerry: Done what?
George: Discovered a cure for baldness.
Repairman: Did you see that last night?
George: It was on CNN ( Kramer comes in and he is taping from a Camcorder) This Chinese doctor Zeng Zau. has discovered a cure for baldness.
Jerry: (to Kramer) What's this?
Kramer: Well I just got it. Spector gave it to me , he's giving everything away...becoming a minimalist.
George: Is that the guy who likes fat women?
Jerry: Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism.
Kramer: (to George) You , you know what you should've done is watching that report on CNN last night.
George: I did, I'm trying to call China.
Kramer: You can't call China now its like, what, three 'O clock in the morning there
Jerry: Oh! my God!...
George: What?
Jerry: Oh! God.. Oh! man...Oh! brother!!! I can't believe what I'm hearing. This woman his talking to me on my tape recorder while I was on stage. This is wild. I've never heard anything like this in my life. Listen to this.
George: (George puts on the headphones) Oh! my god...
Kramer: Give me it..( tries to pull them off George's head)
George: Wa..Wait.Wait!...Who is this woman?
Jerry: I don't know . I have no idea . I was just listening and she came on.
George: This is like a Penthouse letter...Why can't I meet women like this?
Kramer: All right Come on...again attempts to pull headphones off)
George: WAIT ,WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!!!... Where was the tape recorder?
Jerry: It was in the back of the room on the left, she must have been sitting right in front of it.
George: My god!!!
Kramer: C'mon it's my turn.
George: All right, All right, all, right!!( gives the headphones to Kramer) How you gonna find out who this is?
Jerry: Good question.
Kramer: Where's the volume..(finds it) A, YAI..YA...YA..YA!!!!
George: What do the Chinese have to gain by faking a cure for baldness?
Jerry: If it was real ,they would never let it out of the country. No baldness , it'd be like a nation of Supermen.
Elaine: Hi boys.
Both: Hello...
Elaine: What's happening?
Jerry: Tell her. I wanna hear her reaction.
George: This woman left this really sexy message on Jerry's tape recorder...
Jerry: (pushes George) NOT THAT YOU IDIOT!!
George: What??
Jerry: The Chinese , the Chinese bald cure.
George: I thought you meant the..
Jerry: No I meant the bald cure. We were talking about the bald cure.
Elaine: What did she say?
Peter: Seinfeld...( from way in the back of the restaurant. Cheesy plot device to have Jerry leave the table for a minute so George and Elaine can talk)
Jerry: Hey! Is that Peter? ...I can't believe it. Get me a cup of Decaf. (leaves table)
Elaine: So did you hear this message?
George: Oh!, he he, It was unbelievable
Elaine: Really!
George: Yeah. I can't get over it.
Elaine: Huh! Sexy?
George: This woman drove us out of our minds
Elaine: Like ...humm...How did she sound?
George: She had this throaty , sexy kind of whisper.
Elaine: Really , like a... like a...(leans over to George and whispers) Jerry, I want to slide my tongue around you like a snake...Ooooooooooha ,oooooohaaaa...
George: Oh! my God!!...You?...You?...That was you?...
Elaine: Shhhhhh!!!
George: how did ya?...
Elaine: I stopped at the club to see him and I was standing in the back while he was on, right?, and there was this tape recorder there and I...got this impulse. Ha Ha Ha Ha...What?
George: Oh! no no nothing...
Elaine: Now listen , promise me you won't tell him Okay.I want to have a little fun with this.
George: I had no Idea you were filled with such...sexuality..
Elaine: Oh! That was nothing. So listen, what about this bald thing?
George: Ah! Some bald thing, a bald thing I dunno. It's nothing
Jerry: Remember Peter?
George: Peter?
Jerry: You remember Peter. remember I told you how he went to the track that one time and he was yelling at this jockey and the jockey got off the horse and started chasin' him.
Elaine: So listen , what about this girl on the tape recorder?
Jerry: Oh Elaine...What do you think an enraptured female fan of mine might say?
Elaine: I don't know.
Jerry: She went on in some detail about certain activities, illegal in some states, for consenting adults. Things you would know very little about.
Elaine: Oh! really.
Jerry: Well this type of things is very common when you're in show business.
Elaine: So what, Are you gonna ask her out.
Jerry: No I can't she didn't leave her name or number.
Elaine: Bummer...Okay , good luck finding her . I'm taking off.
George: Wh.. Where you going?
Elaine: Home.
George: Why you going home for?
Elaine: Well , I just came from the gym , unless I can shower at your place.
Jerry: Sure.
George: Oh! my god. Oh! man...
Jerry: I don't get it. Why would a woman do that and then leave no way to get in touch with her.
Elaine: (coming out of the shower in a bathrobe) May be she realized she could never have you and she jumped off the George Washington Bridge.
George: (phone rings ,picks up) Operator? Beijing?
Jerry: Why are you doing this?
George: Why do I do anything? tsss...For women.
Jerry: Elaine have you ever gone out with a bald man?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: You know what that makes you?...A baldist.
George: Oh. This I need. Hello!! Hello. i..i..is this the hair restoration clinic? ...Does anyone speak English?
Elaine: ( to Kramer who just got in with his camcorder) Ooooh! You're taping.
Kramer: Just be yourselves. ( Elaine plays with her hair flirtingly)
Elaine: Aah! Okaaay.
Kramer: Well we're talking with Elaine Benes; Adult film star on the set of her new picture "Elaine does the Upper West side"
Elaine: ( to the camera) Hi. How 're you doin'?
Kramer: I'm doin' fine.
George: Do you speak English?...English!!
Kramer: Whooooa! here's the director Jerry Seinfeld . Jerry , you discovered Elaine Benes?
Jerry: Well yes I did that's true. A couple of a guys I knew in the coastguard told me about her... and I sensed that she had the anger and intensity that I needed to make this film work.
George: English. Does anybody speak English .Nobody speaks English.
Kramer: So What scene are you ready to shoot now , Elaine?
George: In this scene my co-star who's right over here ( goes over to George who is still on the phone) Follow meeeee... is George Costanza, he plays an airline pilot who's just returned from Rome and I'm about to show him how much I've missed him.
Kramer: That's my Chinese food...So George is this your first movie with Elaine?
George: (visibly disturbed) I...I..I dunno.
Kramer: So Elaine in your movies is the sex real or is it simulated?
Elaine: Oh. it's always simulated...except with George that's in my contract.
George: All right, Kramer that's it...( pushes the camera) Hello . English. Does anyone speak English
Kramer: (to the Chinese delivery boy) How much do I owe you?
Ping: $15.90.
Kramer: $15.90.?
George: Huh. Excuse me (to Ping) Hum... Do you speak chinese?
Ping: Chinese...Yeah.
George: Look...humm..I'm on with Beijing with the hair restauration clinic. Could you talk to them for me and tell them I'd like to place an order.
Ping: (sounds like) Gwen , Ayon. Wonche son thai gettin my chon fai yu.(looks at George and laughs)
George: They got a billion people over there and he found a relative.
Ping: Ah Fuka suma. If you send money they send cream.
George: They send me? Aw right ..ask 'em Does it really work?
Ping: Gym a gun sen tokomo. Chin che .They say you grow hair, Look a like Stalin
George: Ask' em Are there any side effects?
Ping: Dowe o futo yum... Impotence. ...( makes a just kidding gesture)
George: Aw! Funny he's a funny guy.
Ping: Get a money order from the Bank of China , be here three days after they get check.
Ping: (continues his phone call) Ha Pachini fair pousher pousher mouist I fai chin fousher...
Jerry: (as Ping rambles on ) ...S'cuse me (Ping looks up) Kind of an expensive call.
Elaine: Thanks for driving me home. What did I do to deserve this?
George: Yoohoo ,Plenty...Wh..wh..what are doing hum...you're going in?
Elaine: Well ya. I guess so Why? You wanna do something?
George: yeah...euh...I dunno What?
Elaine: Pffft...there's really nothing to do.
George: ( becoming more and more awkward) Yeah...
Elaine: Do you think of anything?..
George: No, no...(mumbles)
Elaine: I am up for anything.
George: Really...(he honks the car and is startled, Elaine laughs)...I have to say...You were really good doing that porno thing...you're talented.
Elaine: I was just kiddin, around....
George: I thought the thing you said about the sex not being simulated . That was really funny.
Elaine: ( feeling awkward as well) Yeah! that was a...f...fun ..mmm?.
George: So all right I'll speak to you through Jerry and everything.
Elaine: Okay...Thanks a lot for the ride.
Jerry: ..She was sitting at the table where I had my tape recorder...Okay great. Thanks again.. bye. HA Ha..Who do these women think they're dealing with? Did she think she was gonna leave this incredibly erotic message on my tape and I was just gonna let it go. Not Bloody likely...
Kramer: What is that?
Jerry: That's my cockney accent.
Kramer: Naw ,na , that's no good.
Jerry: Lets hear yours.
Kramer: Not bloody likely..
Jerry: That's the worst cockney accent I've ever heard in my life.( George enters) Hey! Georgie boy , guess what I got.
George: Guess, what I got.
Jerry: Oh! Is that the bald stuff?
George: From China. All the way from China.
Kramer: Wait,wait wait...Let me get the camera.
George: No Don't get the camera , we don't need the camera. Listen I know your skeptical , but I really believe in the Chinese.
Jerry: Yes I am skeptical.
George: Why do you have to be so suspicious of every one. This is a great man Zeng Zau, he wants to help bald people.
Kramer: W..W..Wa...Wa..Wait..Wait wait.. Now lets videotape your head for the before picture, so we can watch how it grows and stuff. Sit down (George sits)...Lean back...A little bit to the right.
Jerry: Make sure you get this area here, where he needs the help...
George: All right, all right ( Goes to the bathroom)
Kramer: He's a happy camper huh?
Jerry: Happy camper , I don't hear that expression enough.
Kramer: Remember that guy who took my jacket. The one I found at my mother's house.
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: My mother told me that he got arrested for mail fraud
Jerry: No kidding?
Kramer: He's in jail.
Jerry: What happened to the jacket. Did he take it with him?
Kramer: That's what I intend to find out. (George comes out of the bathroom and he's got white cream on his head)
Jerry: You can see it. You gonna walk around like that?
Kramer: It stinks. Can you smell that?...You stink.
Jerry: How long are you suppose to leave it on for?
George: All day. ( phone rings , Jerry picks up)
Jerry: Hello.
Elaine: It's Elaine Marie Benes.
Jerry: Well Hello..
Elaine: Hello.. so did you ever find out who that woman was?
Jerry: Yes , I got her number.
George: Is that Elaine?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: HI ELAINE...
Elaine: I guess you figure you're in for a pretty wild night?
Jerry: Well , as I said this type of thing is very common in show business
Elaine: Well listen I'm going to (?) do you want me to stop by?
George: Did she say Hello?
Jerry: What? I dunno.
George: I mean , when I said Hello did she say Hello back?
Jerry: I don't know , Who keeps track of Hellos.
George: Isn't polite to say Hello when somebody says hello?
Jerry: She's coming up.
George: Elaine's coming up?
Jerry: Yeah. What's wrong, why? ( George runs back to the bathroom)
Kramer: How often do you cut your toe nails?
Jerry: I would say every two and a half to eight weeks.
Kramer: 'cos the other night , you know, I was sleeping with Marion I rolled over and I cut her ankle with my big toe.
Jerry: The big toe; The captain.
Kramer: What?
Jerry: The captain of the toes. (phone rings) Hello.
Elaine: Jerry...Jerry listen I got too much stuff this afternoon, I can't come over, forget it.
Jerry: Okay...too bad.
Elaine: So humm...When you gonna call her?
Jerry: Soon as I get off the phone wih you.
Elaine: Good luck.
Jerry: okay , bye (to George) What happened , did you take it off?
George: Yeah, that was enough.
Jerry: That's it, you gave up?
George: No No I'm working on a system...Who was that?
Jerry: That was Elaine , she changed her mind. She's not coming over.
Alicia: Hello.
Jerry: Hello is this Alicia? .This is Jerry Seinfeld.
Alicia: Yeah.
Jerry: This is Jerry Seinfeld.
Jerry: (to Kramer) ...( words missing)...laugh , everything's nice and at the end of the night I go for a little contact. I get the PULL BACK. This woman said the filthiest things I've ever heard in my life. I get the Pull Back.
Jerry: Yeah..
George: It's George.
Jerry: Come on up . (looks at his watch) ...What's he doing here now?
Kramer: So , you blew it?
Jerry: She must be psychotic or something.
Kramer: Let me have her number.
Jerry: I'm not giving you her number.
Kramer: I know how to handle these psychotics.
Jerry: Sheriff?....What's with the hat?
Kramer: (George takes off the hat , he's got that cream on again) Pheeewwww! Boy! You stink.
Jerry: What are doing here now?
George: I have to talk to you about something .
Kramer: All right lets take a look to see what we got ( examines George's head) Wait a second.. I think I see something here George. Lets go to the videotape.
George: Aahh..No..No..
Jerry: What's up?
George: I can't tell ya now , he's gonna be back in a ten seconds.
Jerry: So just start it.
George: I can't.
Jerry: Oh! Come om . He'll be over there for a half hour, he gets lost over there. C'mon so what is this about?
George: All right.....I've become attracted to Elaine..
Kramer: All right...Sit down George.
George: Kramer, can we do this later..
Kramer: No, I got the tape right here.
Jerry: Kramer, let's do this later.
Kramer: (ignoring them) Now.. This is the tape that we made earlier and I think, that I see. a couple of buds right here.
George: Really? ..You think.
Jerry: Kramer. I would like to talk to George for a minute, please.
Kramer: 'bout what?
Jerry: It's kinda private.
Kramer: Like the big toe captain..
George: So now you're doing my bits?
Jerry: I'M NOT DOING YOUR BITS!!
Kramer: Okay , all right. I'm gonna take a look at this huh!.( leaves)
Jerry: Does she know?
George: NO!!
Jerry: How did it happen?
George: I can't say.
Jerry: Well, why can't you say it?
George: Because I promised her.
Jerry: I thought you just said she doesn't know??
George: She doesn't.
Jerry: So how can you promise her?
George: Because she asked me to.
Jerry: What is this, an Abbott and Costello routine?
George: All right You really want to know?...It all started when she told met hat...she was the voice on your tape recorder.
Jerry: What, Elaine?
George: Yeah! She made me promise not to tell you .It's supposed to be a joke.
Jerry: (picks up the headphones) That was Elaine...
George: Well let me hear...( they struggle for the headphones)
Jerry: Wait a second. .Just give me a second
George: You heard it fifty times already.
Jerry: She's my ex-girlfriend I think I have precedence
Jerry: Yeaaaah!!!
Elaine: Hi, It's Elaine is this a bad time?
George: (Yelling from the bathroom) Don't tell her anything, she'll kill me!!
Jerry: Okay, Okay, I promise. (puts on the headphones again) Wow!!! Oh Man...Oh God.. Oh Brother...Whoooaaaa!! Whoaaaa (Elaine enters he takes them off rapidly)
Elaine: (Concerned) What's the matter?
Jerry: Oooh! I got a pain in my side.
Elaine: (to George returning) Hi George. Something stinks in here.( George motions to Jerry, she nods)
Jerry: What are you doing here?
Elaine: I was the one who talked into your tape recorder.
Jerry: I know, George told me.
Elaine: You told him!!!!
George: He..He threatened me.
Jerry: Where did you come up with all that stuff?
Elaine: That was nothing.
George: Elaine.. I have to tell you something...
Jerry: George NO!!
George: No no no no no no no..
Jerry: George I'm telling ya..
Elaine: What is it?
George: I'm very attracted to you..
Jerry: Aye...
Kramer: I'VE FOUND A HAIR!!! Yes ( goes up to the video machine and inserts the tape) Hey, come here, come here ,take a look at this.
George: Ever since I found out that you let that message on Jerry's tape recorder I...
Kramer: Whoa!!!...That was you?
Elaine: It was a joke...
Kramer: Wait..( picks up the walkman) Oh my god...Oh yeah...Elaine , I can't believe that that is you.
Elaine: Aah... ( she stares at the three of them all lined up like the Daltons, all looking at her with lust.) I think I'll get going...
George: Heuh. huh. Stick around a while.
Jerry: It's early.
Kramer: We'll order Chinese.