Jerry: (A couple of days ago I used a public phone), go over time on the call, hang up the phone, walk away. You've had this happen? Phone rings. It's the phone company... they want more money. Don't you love this? And you got them right where you want them for the first time in your life. You're on the street, there's nothing they can do. I like to let it ring a few times, you know, let her sweat a little over there, then I just pick it up, "Yeah, operator... oh, I got the money... I got the money right here... D'you hear that? (taps on microphone) That's a quarter. Yeah, you want that don't you?"
Elaine: No, they've just got to get more cops on the force, it's as simple as that.
George: Cops. I don't even care about cops. I wanna see more garbage men. It's much more important. All I wanna see are garbage trucks, garbage cans and garbage men. You're never gonna stop crime, we should at least be clean.
Jerry: I tell you what they should do, they should combine the two jobs, make it one job, 'cop\garbage man'. I always see cops walking around with nothing to do. Grab a broom! Start sweeping. You sweep sweep sweep... catch a criminal, get right back to sweeping.
Elaine: You should run for mayor.
Jerry: Ehh, nobody listens.
Elaine: Where is someone? I'm starving.
George: I think this is him right here.
Elaine: Is there a table ready?
Restaurant Manager (Bruce): How many?
Elaine (To Jerry): How many?
Jerry (To George): Is Tatiana coming?
George: I don't know, I have to call her, tell her where we are. I'm very lucky she's even considering seeing me at all.
Jerry: Really? I thought things were going OK.
George: They were, it's kinda complicated.
Jerry: Well what is it?
Elaine: How many?
Jerry: Ah, alright, four. Seinfeld.
Bruce: Four. It'll be five, ten minutes.
George: What do you wanna do?
Elaine: Let's go someplace else, I am too hungry.
Jerry: We might as well just stay here, we haven't got that much time if we wanna make it to the movie.
George: I gotta call Tatiana. where's the phone?
Jerry (To Elaine): Tatiana...
George: Excuse me, are you gonna be very long?
Bruce: Lashbrook, 4!
Jerry: So did I do a terrible thing?
Elaine: You mean lying to your uncle?
Jerry: I couldn't have dinner with him. 'Plan 9 from Outer Space', one night only, the big screen. My hands are tied!
George (To Jerry): You know it's a public phone, you're not supposed to just chit-chat.
Elaine: Jerry, get menus so when we sit down we can order right away.
Jerry: Can't look at a menu now, I gotta be at the table.
George: He knows I'm waiting. He sees me. He just doesn't wanna look.
Elaine: Everything's gotta be just so with you, doesn't it?
Jerry: Hey, I offered you those cookies in my house.
Elaine: Health cookies. I hate those little dustboard fructose things.
George: I just can't believe at the way people are. What is it with humanity? What kind of a world do we live in?
Elaine: What?
Jerry: There's a woman over there that looks really familiar. Dark hair, striped shirt?
Elaine: I've never seen her before.
Jerry: I know this woman. This is gonna drive me crazy.
Man: Oh, Excuse me.
Elaine: I'm sorry.
Elaine: Didja see that? Those people, look, they're getting a table.
Jerry: Well maybe they were here from before.
Elaine: No no no, they weren't here before.
George (To Guy): Excuse me, are you going to be much longer? I have to make a very important call.
Elaine: Find out what's going on!
Jerry: Excuse me, didn't those people just come in? I believe we were ahead of them.
Elaine: Yeah.
Bruce: What's your name?
Jerry: Seinfeld.
Bruce: No, no, they were here before. Keckitch(sp?), 2!
Elaine: Did you ever notice how happy people are when they finally get a table? They think they're so special because they've been chosen. It's enough to make you sick.
Jerry: Boy, you are really hungry.
George (Whistles To Guy On Phone): Hey!
George: If anything happens here, can I count on you?
Jerry: What?
George: If we decide to go at it.
Jerry: Yeah, I wanna get into a rumble...
George: I have to get in touch with Tatiana! And look at his little outfit. It's all so coordinated, the way his socks matching to his shirt. I really hate this guy.
Elaine: I'm gonna faint...
Jerry: George, who is that woman in the stripes?
George: I don't know her.
Jerry: She looks so familiar.
Elaine: Ya know, its not fair people are seated First Come First Served, It should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just going over there and taking some food off somebody's plate.
Jerry: I'll tell you what, there's 50 bucks in it for you if you do it.
Elaine: What do you mean?
Jerry: You walk over that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say anything, you eat it, say 'thank you very much', wipe your mouth, walk away- I give you 50 bucks.
George: What are they gonna do?
Jerry: They won't do anything; in fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives.
Elaine: 50 bucks, you'll give me 50 bucks?
Jerry: 50 bucks. That table over there, the three couples.
Elaine: OK, I don't wanna go over there and do it, and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it or something...
Jerry: No, no tricks.
Elaine: Should I do it, George?
George: For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the soup and blow.
Elaine: Alright, alright. Here, hold this. I'm doin' it.
Elaine (Through Her Teeth): I know this sounds crazy, but the two men who are standing behind me are going to give me 50 bucks if I stand here and eat one of your eggrolls.
Elaine (Through Teeth): I'll give you 25 if you let me do it.
People At Table: What? What is she talking about? What did she say?
Jerry: What happened?
Elaine: Did you see that?
George: What were you doing?
Elaine (Laughing): I offered them 25, they had no idea...
Jerry: George, the phone's free.
George: Alleluia.
George: Excuse me, I was waiting here.
Woman At Phone: Where? I didn't see you.
George: I've been standing here for the last ten minutes!
Woman: Well I won't be long.
George: That's not the point. The point is I was here first.
Woman: Well if you were here first, you'd be holding the phone.
George (Yelling At Her): You know, we're living in a society! We're supposed to act in a civilized way.
George: Does she care? No. Does anyone ever display the slightest sensitivity over the problems of a fellow individual? No. No. A resounding no!
Guy: Hey, sorry I took so long.
George: Oh that's OK, really, don't worry about it.
Elaine: How do people fast? Did Ghandi get this crazy? I'm gonna walk around, see what dishes look good.
Jerry: I told my uncle I had a stomach ache tonight. You think he bought that?
George: Yeah, well, he probably bought it.
Jerry: So what happened with Tatiana?
George: I shouldn't even tell you this.
Jerry: Come on...
George: Well, after dinner last week, she invites me back to her apartment.
Jerry: I'm with you.
George: Well, it's this little place with this little bathroom. It's like right there, you know, it's not even down a little hall or off in an alcove. You understand? There's no... buffer zone. So, we start to fool around, and it's the first time, and it's early in the going. And I begin to perceive this impending... intestinal requirement, whose needs are going to surpass by great lengths anything in the sexual realm. So I know I'm gonna have to stop. And as this is happening I'm thinking, even if I can somehow manage to momentarily... extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable force, I know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that I know I'm going to need...
Jerry: This could only happen to you.
George: So I finally stop and say, "Tatiana, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I think it would be best if I left".
Jerry: You said this to her after.
George: No. During.
Jerry: Oh, boy.
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Wow! So...?
George: So I'm dressing and she's staring up at me, struggling to compute this unprecedented turn of events. I don't know what to say to reassure this woman, and worst of all, I don't have the time to say it. The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman, and I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat-Signal. It took me 3 days of phone calls to get her to agree to see me again. Now she's waiting for me to call her, and she's
Elaine: I hate this place. I don't know why we came here, I'm never coming back here again.
Jerry (Still Trying To Remember): Who is that woman?!
Elaine: Remember when you first went out to eat with your parents? Remember, it was such a treat to go and they serve you this different food that you never saw before, and they put it in front of you, and it is such a delicious and exciting adventure? And now I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to fill up the trough.
George: She's off. (goes over to the now available public phone)
Elaine: Jerry, talk to that guy again.
Jerry: What am I gonna say?
Elaine: Tell him we wanna catch a movie and that we're late.
Mr. Cohen: Hey, what stinks in here?
Bruce (Laughing): Mr. Cohen! Haven't seen you for a couple of weeks.
Mr. Cohen: Well, I've been looking for a better place.
Bruce: Better place... Want a table?
Mr. Cohen: No, just bring me a plate and I'll eat here.
Bruce (Laughing): Give him a plate and you eat here... Come on, I give you a table.
Jerry: Excuse me... we've been waiting here. Now, I KNOW we were ahead of that guy, he just came in.
Bruce: Oh no, Mr. Cohen always here.
Elaine: He's always here? What does that mean? What does that mean?
Bruce: Oh, Mr. Cohen, very nice man. He live on Park Avenue.
Elaine: Where am I? Is this a dream? What in God's name is going on here?!
George: She's not there. She left. She must've waited and left because those people wouldn't get off the phone.
Jerry: Didja leave a message?
George: Yeah, I told her to call me here and to tell anyone who answers the phone to ask for a balding, stocky man with glasses. I better tell him I'm expecting a call.
Elaine: Oh, Jerry, here comes that woman...
Jerry: Where do I know her?
Lorraine: Hello, Jerry!
Jerry: Heeeeyyyy... How you doin'?
Lorraine: How is everything?
Jerry: Good, good, good... What's goin' on?
Lorraine: Oh, working hard. And you?
Jerry: Oh, you know, working around, same stuff, doing... whatever.
Lorraine: You haven't been around in a while.
Jerry: I know, I know... Well, you know.
Lorraine: You should come by.
Jerry: Definitely. I plan to, I'm not just saying that.
Elaine: Hi, I'm Elaine.
Lorraine (Shaking Her Hand): Lorraine. Catalano.
Jerry: I'm sorry, Lorraine, this is Elaine...
Lorraine: Well it was nice seeing you, Jerry. And nice meeting you. (she leaves)
Elaine (Smug): Oh, nice to meet you too, Lorraine!
Jerry: Oh my god, Lorraine... that's Lorraine from my uncle's office. I'm in big, big trouble.
Elaine: The one you broke the plans with tonight?
Jerry: Yeah, she works in his office. Now she's gonna see him tomorrow and tell him she saw me here tonight. He's gonna tell his wife, his wife's gonna call my mother. Oh, this is bad, you don't know, the chain reaction of calls this is gonna set off. New York, Long Island, Florida, it's like the Bermuda Triangle. Unfortunately, nobody ever disappears. My uncle to my aunt, my aunt to my mother, my mother to my uncle...
Jerry: ...My uncle to my cousin, my cousin to my sister, my sister to me.
Elaine: You should've just had dinner with your uncle tonight and gotten in over with. It's just a movie.
Jerry: Just a movie?! You don't understand. This isn't 'Plans 1 through 8 from Outer Space', this is 'Plan 9', this is the one that worked. The worst movie ever made!
Jerry: Hey, I got news for you, if we're making this movie, we gotta get a table immediately.
Elaine: Alright, OK. Let's stop fooling around. Let's just slip him some money.
Jerry: In a Chinese restaurant? Do they take money?
Elaine: Do they take money? Everyone takes money. I used to go out with a guy who did it all the time, you just slip him 20 bucks.
George: 20 bucks? Isn't that excessive?
Elaine: Well what do you want to give him, change?
George: It's more than the meal!
Jerry: Oh, come on, We'll divide it up three ways.
George: Alright. 7,7, (points at himself) 6. I'm not gonna eat that much!
Jerry: I'm counting your shrimps. OK, Who's gonna do it?
George: Oh no, I can't do it. I-I'm not good at these things, I get flustered. Once I tried to bribe an usher at the roller derby, I almost got arrested.
Elaine: I guess it's you, Jer.
Jerry: Me? What about you?
Elaine: Oh, I can't do that, it's a guy thing.
Jerry: The woman's movement just can't seem to make any progress in the world of bribery, can they?
Elaine: Give me the money.
Elaine: How's it going'?
Bruce: Very busy.
Elaine: Boy, we are REALLY anxious to sit down.
Bruce: Very good specials tonight.
Elaine: If there's anything you can do to get us a table we'd really appreciate it.
Bruce: What is your name? (he turns the page over the money)
Elaine: No no, I want to eat now! (she gets the money from under the page)
Bruce: Yes, we have sea-bass dinner tonight, very fresh.
Elaine (Gives Him The Money): Here, take this. I'm starving. Take it! Take it!
Bruce: Dennison, 4! (goes over to 4 ladies) Your table is ready.
Elaine: No no, no, I want that table. I want that table! Oh, come on, did you see that? What was that? He took the money, he didn't give us a table.
Jerry: You lost the 20.
Elaine: Well, how could he do that?
George: You didn't make it clear.
Elaine: Make it clear?
Jerry: What a sorry exhibition that was. Alright, let me get the money back.
Bruce: Your name?
Jerry: Seinfeld.
Bruce: Yeah, Seinfeld 4!
Jerry: No no no, you see the girl there, with the long hair?
Bruce: Oh yes, yes. Very beautiful girl, very beautiful. Is your girlfriend?
Jerry: Well, actually, we did date for a while, but... it's really not relevant here.
Bruce: Relationships are difficult. It's very hard to stay together-
Jerry: Alright, listen, alright. How much longer is it gonna be?
Bruce: Oh. In about five, ten minutes.
George: So?
Jerry: There seems to be a bit of a discrepancy.
Elaine: So when are we gonna eat?
Jerry: Five, ten minutes.
George: We should have left earlier. I told you.
Jerry: I don't see any way we can eat and make this movie.
Elaine: Oh, well I have to eat.
Jerry: Well let's just order to go, we'll eat it in the cab.
Elaine: Eat it in the cab? Chinese food in a cab?
Jerry: We'll eat it in the movie.
Elaine: Oh, who do you think you're going? Do you think that they have big picnic tables there?
Jerry: Well what do you suggest?
Elaine: I say we leave now, we go to 'Skyburger' and we scarf 'em down.
Jerry: I'm not going to 'Skyburger'. Besides, it's in the opposite direction, let's just eat popcorn or something.
Bruce (Holding A Phone): Cartwright?
Elaine: I can't have popcorn for dinner!
Bruce: Cartwright?
Elaine (Tries To Snatch Food Off A Waiter'S Tray): I have to eat!
Jerry: So they have hotdogs there.
Elaine: Oh, movie hotdogs! I rather lick the food off the floor.
George: I can't go anywhere, I have to wait here for Tatiana's call. Let me just check.
George: Excuse me, I'm expecting a call. Costanza?
Bruce: Yeah, I just got a call. I yell 'Cartwright! Cartwright!', just like that. Nobody came up, I hang up.
George: Well, was it for Costanza or...
Bruce: Yes, yes, that's it. Nobody answered.
George: Well was it a woman?
Bruce: Yeah, yeah. I tell her you not here, she said curse word, I hang up.
George: She called. He yelled Cartwright. I missed her.
Jerry: Who's Cartwright?
George: I'm Cartwright!
Jerry: You're not Cartwri-
George: Of course I'm not Cartwright! Look, why don't you two just go to the movies all by yourselves, I'm not in the mood.
Elaine: Well me neither, I'm goin' to 'Skyburger'.
Jerry: So You're not going?
Elaine: You don't need us.
Jerry: Well I can't go to a bad movie by myself. Who am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to, strangers? Eh, I guess I'll just go to my uncle's.
George: Should we tell him we're leaving?
Elaine: What for? Let's just get out of here.
Bruce: Seinfeld, 4?
Jerry: Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism. Cannibalism, what do they say, I mean, they're eating and, you know, "This is good, who is this? I like this person". You know, I mean, I would think the hardest thing about being a cannibal is trying to get some very deep sleep, you know what I mean? I would think, you'd be like, (pretending to wake up) "Who is that? Who's there? Who's there? Is somebody there? What do you want? What do you want? You look hungry, are you hungry? Get out of here!"


[Setting: Night club]
Jerry: I'm not a foodie. I don't, "Oh, this is too rare. Oh, it's too salty." Just eat it and shut up. I'll eat anywhere, whatever they're having. I have eaten rotten rolls off of room service trays in hotel hallways. I have. It's not a joke. This is my life. I don't know, somebody left it. Why would someone poison a roll, and leave it in a hallway for some comic coming down at two o' clock in the morning? Why would they do that? Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in a little book. What is this? The story of the bill? "Once upon a time, there were some very hungry people.." What is this? A little gold tassle hanging down? Am I graduating from the restaurant? What is this about?
[Setting: A restaurant]
Elaine: Do you want some of mine?
Jerry: Take some of mine.
George: Why do I get pesto? Why do I think I'll like it? I keep trying to like it, like I have to like it.
Jerry: Who said you have to like it?
George: Everybody likes pesto. You walk into a restaurant, that's all you hear - pesto, pesto, pesto.
Jerry: I don't like pesto.
George: Where was pesto 10 years ago?
Jerry: (Gesturing to a man) Look at that guy. (Elaine starts to look, but Jerry stops her) I'll bet you he's gettin' hair transplants. Any time you see a guy that age wearing a baseball cap, ten to one - plugs.
Elaine: (Elaine turns to look at the man, trying to make it sound like they aren't talking about him) The thing about that painting.. is with the colors and um.. (Turns back to Jerry) Oh yeah, plugola.
Jerry: (To Elaine) Oh, one more thing about the car. Let it warm up for a minute.
George: That's a tough minute. It's like waiting in the shower for the conditioner to work.
Jerry: I don't understand why he couldn't take a cab.
George: Who?
Jerry: Elaine is having a "houseguest." She's picking him up at the airport tonight.
George: A guy?
Elaine: (Slightly embarrassed) Yes, a guy.
Jerry: He's from a.. Yakima, right?
Elaine: Seattle.
Jerry: Everybody's moving to Seattle.
George: It's the pesto of cities. So..?
Elaine: (To Jerry) You tell him.
Jerry: Well, from what I can piece together, our friend here met a gentleman.
Elaine: Ed.
Jerry: Who was in town on a business venture, and um..
Elaine: ..We shared an interpersonal experience. (George hits his glass with his fork. To Jerry) Go on.
Jerry: So they went out a few times, but apparently, when the fellow returned home, he discovered that the Benes tattoo does not wash off so easily.
Elaine: On some people.
George: Oooh.
Jerry: So, he's coming in to stay with her for a week.
Elaine: It was just gonna be a weekend, but then somehow it became a week.
Manager: What happened?
George: Oh, the busboy left the menu a little close to the candle.
Manager: Sorry to the disturbance.
Elaine: (Joking, she snobbishly says) I'm never eating here again.
Jerry: (Pats George on the back) Nice going. Thank you, that ought to get us a free dessert.. (They can see the manager chewing the busboy out from the dining room doorway) I think the busboy's in trouble.
George: Did I get him in trouble? Because of what I said?! I just told him what happened.. he didn't do it on purpose.. (Mangager and busboy are arguing. The busboy points in the direction of George) He pointed at me. Why did he point at me?!
Elaine: I said I would never eat here again.. But, I, I.. he had to know I was kidding.
Jerry: (Casually buttering a roll, like he's the innocent one) I didn't say anything.
George: I can't believe it. He's going! He's fired!
Elaine: Oh, I said it in a kidding way.
George: I didn't know he'd get fired.
Jerry: (Jokingly trying to put more pressure on Elaine and George) He'll probably kill his family over this.
George: What if he's waiting for me outside? He pointed at me! Did you see him point?!
Jerry: (Again, joking) A lot of ex-cons become busboys. They seem to gravitate twards 'em.
George: Was it my fault?
Elaine: Was it my fault?
Jerry: (Doesn't have a care in the world) ..Maybe I'll try that pesto.
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: Look, I feel bad for him too, but he'll get another job. I mean, let's face it, it's not a profession where you embellish your resume and undergo a series of grueling interviews.
George: (Eating a sandwich) Oh, like you really know busboys.
Jerry: Oh, like you do.
George: Hey, at least I was a camp waiter.
Jerry: (Scoffing) Camp.
George: It was a fat camp. Those kids depended on me.
Jerry: Elaine?
Elaine: (Through intercom) Yeah.
Jerry: Busboys are always changing jobs. That's the business. I know. I work with these guys. I tallk to them in the kitchen at the comedy clubs.
George: Then why don't you try and get him another job?
Jerry: I'd love to, but I don't know anything about him. He could be one of those people that walks around the street pricking people with pins.
Elaine: I don't know if you people are aware of this, but I am one clever chickadee.
George: What? Did you get the busboy's number?
Elaine: His phone's been disconnected, but I was able to obtain an address - 1324 Amsterdam Avenue, apartment 4D. (Hands George a card) Now, I did my job. (To Jerry) May I have the car keys, please?
George: How did you get all this?
Elaine: Does the word "charm" mean anything to you?
Jerry: No. (George grabs his jacket) So now you're going to his apartment? I really think this is nuts.
George: (Putting his jacket on) I'd like to apologize. I want to tell him I.. I.. didn't mean to get him in trouble.
Jerry: You, you're going now?
George: Yeah, I want to see if there's anything I can do.. maybe get him another job.. maybe I'll hear of something.
Jerry: Maybe the fat camp. (To Elaine) You're not going?
Elaine: I would, but I have to pick up Ed at the airport.
Jerry: I just don't think you should go alone. Can't you wait till after my set?
George: It'll take to long.
Jerry: Take the K-man. A little support..
George: (Unsure) I don't a..
Kramer: Take me where? Where?
[Setting: An apartment building hallway]
George: Look, I really appreciate your coming, but if you wouldn't mind - try not to say too much.
Kramer: What am I gonna say?
George: I don't know.
Kramer: Well, I'm not an idiot.
George: Certainly not.
Kramer: Then we're cool.
George: Yeah.. yeah, we're - we're cool. (Knocks lightly. Kramer takes charge by knocking on the door louder. The busboy answers) Uh, I'm sorry to bother you, I was in the restaurant earlier and I was wondering if I could talk to you for a few minutes about what happened. (He gestures for them to come in. They obey) I hope I'm not interrupting anything. It's just that I think I may have - without realizing it - been responsible for getting you fired. (Nervously laughs) And.. and.. and I just want you to know that I didn't intend for that to happen.
Kramer: (Patting George on the shoulder) He's a hell of a guy.
George: This is a guy I know.. Kramer.
Kramer: Habla espanol?
George: (To himself) Oh my God.
Antonio: Si.
Kramer: Como se dice.. waterbed?
George: (Interrupting) Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I'm really sorry that happened, and if I can help out in any way, I'll certainly be glad to do that. (Pause) Well, I guess that's about it.
Kramer: You got anything to drink? Agua?
George: Oy uy uy.. (Antonio points to the sink) We really should get going.
Kramer: Let me get a glass of water. (Heads tward the sink)
George: Hurry up.
Antonio: (Notices that his cat is missing) Pequita? Pequita? (Starts to panic)
Kramer: His cat's gone.
Antonio: (Notes the door was left wide open) La puerta esta abierta. (Starts screaming) La puerta esta abierta! (To Kramer and George) Who left the door open? (Silence) Who left the door open?! (Kramer and George look at eachother) Come on, come on! Help me look! (All three head out the door to look)
[Setting: Antonio's apartment]
Kramer: ..You know, cats run away all the time. You know, my aunt, she had a cat. Ran away. Showed up three years later.. you never know. They got things in
George: (Gestures for Kramer to shut up) Once again, Antonio, I can't even begin to say how deeply, deeply sorry I am about everything. The job, the cat.. (A lamp breaks) the lamp.
Kramer: The wire was sticking out.. (Fits the two broken pieces together) Yeah.
George: (Hands Antonio a card) Here's my card. I'm in real estate, so, if you're ever looking for something bigger, something nicer.. (Antonio is staring at him, angered) ..maybe not right now. Anyway.. (Extends his hand for a handshake. Antonio doesn't move)
Kramer: You oughta get that wire fixed. (They go to leave) I got the door. (Shuts the door, the broken lamp falls to the floor)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: (On the phone) George, stop worrying about this guy. It wasn't your fault.. Come on, he's not stalking you.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: (To Kramer) Hey. (To George) He doesn't even know where you live.. Who told you to give him your business card?.. (Intercom buzzes) That's Elaine. (Kramer buzzes her in. Jerry talks into the phone) Kramer.. (To Kramer) George wants to know when you want to look for the cat again.
Kramer: It's been a week. It's up to the cat now.
Jerry: (Into phone) Kramer says it's up to the cat now. (To Kramer) It'll be on your conscience.
Kramer: Oh? How do you figure?
Jerry: (Into phone) How do you figure? (To Kramer) 'Cause you're the one who left the door open.
Kramer: Why was I in charge of closing the door?
Jerry: (Into phone) Why was he in charge of closing the door? (Irritated at the phone message relay, to Kramer) 'Cause you came in after him!
Kramer: So!
Jerry: (Into phone) So! (To Kramer - getting even more angry) So, the last person in should close the door!
Kramer: Let me talk to him.
Jerry: (To Kramer) Talk - call him from your house. (Elaine enters. Kramer leaves. To phone) He's calling you now.. okay. (Hangs up)
Elaine: Ed's downstairs. CAn I have the car keys?
Jerry: No hello?
Elaine: Got any asprin? (Finds some) Hello. Now, lookit, you guarantee this car will get me to the airport tomarrow? No problems?
Jerry: Guarantee? ..Hey, it's a car.
Elaine: Because if there's even the slightest chance of any problem at all, I don't want to take it - because if I don't get this guy on a plane to Seattle and out of my life, I'm gonna kill him, and everyone who tries to stop me.
Jerry: (Jokingly asking) So, did you have a nice week together?
Elaine: I heard a little ping in the car last time. What was that ping?
Jerry: There's no ping. Why are you so wacky?
Elaine: Jerry, you cannot imagine how much I hate this guy.. and he hasn't even done anything! It's the situation. He's a wonderful guy, but I hate his guts!
Jerry: So, you two been, uh..
Elaien: No! I told him I've been having my period for the last five days! I'm sleeping all squished over on the edge of my bed.. But, I've only got fourteen hours to go. Nothing can go wrong now. I think I've taken care of everything. I've confirmed the plane reservation. I've checked the weather..
Jerry: What's your airport route?
Elaine: I've got it all mapped out - I'm taking the tunnel.
Jerry: ..What about the Van Wyck?
Elaine: I spoke to a cab driver. For five bucks, he turned me on to the Rockaway Boulevard shortcut.
Jerry: Oooh.
Elaine: Now, lookit, this plane leaves at 1015. We're getting up at about eight. That gives us enough time, right?
Jerry: You still using that old alarm clock?
Elaien: Oh, no, no. I bought a new one today. It's got everything - it's got everything... If you oversleep more than ten minutes, a hand comes out and slaps you in the face.
[Setting: Night club]
Jerry: Flying doesn't make me nervous - driving to the airport can make you very nervous because when you're flying, when you're getting on the plane, if you miss that plane, there's no alternative. On the ground, you have options. You have buses, you have taxis, you have trains. But, when you're taking a flight, if you miss it, that's it. No airline goes, "Well, you missed the flight, we do have a cannon leaving in about ten minutes. Would you be interested in that? It's not a direct cannon, you have to change cannons after you land." (Imitates cannon operator) "I'm sorry, where you goin'? Chicago? (Cranks the cannon) Oh, Dallas? Alright, wait a second.. (Cranks cannon to Dallas) Dallas. That's about Dallas. Texas, anyway. You should hit Texas. Are you ready? Make sure you get out of the net immediately, because we shoot the luggage in right after you."
[Setting: Elaine's apartment]
(Elaine And Ed Are In Bed. Elaine Awakes To Find Out That It'S 9: 15 - they overslept. She gets frantic)
Elaine: (Trying to wake Ed up) Get up! The alarm clock didn't go off! (Shakes him) It's 915! You're gonna miss the plane! It's 915!
Ed: 915?
Elaine: Yes! 915!
Ed: (Going back to sleep) We'll never make it. I'll leave tomarrow.
Elaine: Tomarrow?! Are you crazy? No, now, now! Let's go! (Gets his suitcase from the closet, throws it on the bed, and frantically starts packing) You get dressed! Get dressed!
Ed: Can I shower?
Elaine: Shower?! ARe you out of your mind?!
Ed: I gotta shower. I'll feel dirty all day.
Elaine: Forget the shower! The shower's out. Move it! Put your clothes on! Put your clothes on! (Pulls out drawers of clothes, turning them over in the suitcase. He walks tward the door) Where are you going?
Ed: The kitchen.
Elaine: The kitchen?!
Ed: I've got a bag of cashews in there.
Elaine: They're not making it! Let's get your pants on!
Ed: What's the big deal if we don't make it? I'll just go tomarrow or the next day.
Elaine: No! You have your ticket! You have to go now!
Ed: I'll never make it.
Elaine: Don't say that!
Ed: But it takes forty-five minutes to get there. That'll only leave me five minutes to get to the plane.
Elaine: Shut up and pack!
Ed: And what if I don't make the plane? You'll have already left. Then what will I do?
Elaine: You're talking too much!
Ed: Where's my sweater?
Elaine: What?!
Ed: My brown sweater.
Elaine: What? What sweater?
Ed: My brown sweater.
Elaine: You didn't bring a brown sweater.
Ed: I brought a brown sweater.
Elaine: Here! Here! You want a brown sweater?! (Recahes into one of her drawers, and grabs a brown sweater, then packs it) You got a brown sweater!
Ed: That's not mine. I can't take your sweater.
Elaine: It's brown! (Takes clothes still on the hangers, and dumps them into the suitcase)
Ed: What are you doing?!
Elaine: NO time for folding.. (Looks around) I think that's it. (Zips up the suitcase)
Ed: My shoes. You packed my shoes.
Elaine: Shoes? Shoes?! Shoes?! Shoes weren't invented till the fourth century! People walked around for thousands of years without them! (Puts her coat on over her nightie. He picks up his suitcase, she grabs it from him, then pushes him out of her way) I got this. Let's go!
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: Anywhere in the city?
George: Anywhere in the city - I'll tell you the best public toilet.
Jerry: Okay.. Fifty-fourth and Sixth?
George: Sperry Rand Building. 14th floor, Morgan Apparel. Mention my name - she'll give you the key.
Jerry: Alright.. Sixty-fifth and Tenth.
George: (Scoffs) ARe you kidding? Lincoln Center. Alice Tully Hall, the Met. Magnificent facilities.
Elaine: (Slow, as if remember a dream) I never new I could drive like that. I was going faster than I've ever gone before, and yet, it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving in and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold metal run. I knew I was challenging the very laws of physics. At Queens Boulevard, I took the shoulder. At Jewel Avenue, I used the median. I had it. I was there.. and then.. I hit the Van Wyck. They say no one's ever beaten the Van Wyck, but gentlemen, I tell you this - I came as close as anyone ever has. And if it hadn't been for that five-car-pile-up on Rockaway Boulevard, that numbskull would be on a plane for Seattle right now instead of looking for a parking space downstairs.
Kramer: ..The busboy's coming! The busboy's coming!
George: The busboy's coming?
Jerry: You don't mean here?
Kramer: Yeah. I just buzzed him in. He's on his way up..
George: He's coming up?! (Moves to the door) I'll check you out later.
Jerry: Where are you going?
George: I'm the one he wants! He's coming to settle the score.
Jerry: (Trying to get George and Kramer out) No. You three all know each other. There's no point in me getting involved at this stage of the game.
Kramer: No, he's not going to do anything. I guarantee it.
George: Oh, the hell with it. Let him kill me. I..
Kramer: Antonio. In here!
George: (Nervous, his voice cracks) Hey, Antonio. How's it going?
Antonio: Three nights ago, a gas main beneath the restaurant exploded, killing five people in my section, including the busboy who replaced me. If I am not fired that night because of you and your thoughtless, stupid, insensitive remarks, it would have been me. You saved my life. (Hugs him again)
George: (Trying to be modest) Ah, come on..
Elaine: (Into the intercom) Yeah?
Ed: It's Eddie.
Elaine: He's coming up. (Buzzes him in) He's coming up..
Antonio: And that very same night of the accident, while looking for Pequita, I found a job in a restaurant where they pay me almost twice what I was making before - and when I returned to the apartment, Pequita, perhaps frightened from the explosion, had miraculously returned. Well, but now, I must go, for today I am starting my new and wonderful job. And I am very late. Thank you, thank you, thank you all. (Leaves)
Ed: Hey, watch were you're going. You almost knocked my head off!
Antonio: Hey, why don't you watch where you're going, okay? 'Cause you bumped into me!
Ed: Who do you think you're talking to, pal?
Antonio: Hey, get your hands off me!
Ed: Go to hell!
[Setting: Coffee shop]
Jerry: He'll get another job. He's a busboy!
George: It won't for a while. At least not until after the cast comes off.
Jerry: It was that fall down the stairs. That's what did it.
George: That's not how it happened. It's when he fell on him with his knee.
Elaine: Oh, that was awful. Poor Antonio. (Waiter hands Elaine two bags of food to go) ..Thanks.
George: So, much longer?
Elaine: Till when - till he goes back to Seattle, or till he can feed himself?
George: (Not wanting to make Elaine mad) I guess it's not important.
Elaine: Take care of yourselves. (Leaves)
George: I should probably get going too. If I don't feed Pequita by seven, she goes all over everything.. take it easy.
Jerry: Yeah.. (Takes a bite of his sandwich as the waiter starts cleaning off the table) How ya doing?
[Setting: Night club]
Jerry: First of all, I can't believe that people actually do fight. People have fist fights in life. I can't really believe that we have boxing either. It's really kind of an amazing thing. To me, the problem with boxing is - you have two guys having a fight that have no prior argument. Why don't they have the boxers come into the ring in little cars, drive around a bit, have a little accident? They get out, "Didn't you see my signal?" "Look at that fender!" ..Then you'd see a real fight.


Jerry: Evry-Every time somebody recommends a doctor, he's always the best. "Oh, is he good?" "Oh, he's the best. This guy's the best." They can't all be the best. There can't be this many bests. Someone's graduating at the bottom of these classes, where are these doctors? Is somewhere, someone saying to their friend, "You should see my doctor, he's the worst. Oh yeah, he's the worst, he's the absolute worst there is. Whatever you've got, it'll be worse after you see him. No, he's just, he's a butcher. The man's a butcher." And then there's always that, "Make sure that you tell him that, you know, you know me." Why? What's the difference? He's a doctor. What is it, "Oh, you know Bob! Okay, I'll give you the real medicine. And everybody else, I'm giving Tic-Tacs."
Julianna: ...And usually for lunch I'll have a salad, and for dinner, I eat whatever I want.
Jerry: What do you think the worst part of being blind is?
Julianna: Excuse me?
Jerry: You know, if you were blind, what do you think the worst part of it would be?
Julianna: I don't know.
Jerry: I think it would be not being able to tell if there was bugs in my food. How could you ever enjoy a meal like that? I'd constantly be feeling around with my lips and my tongue.
Julianna: Well that's how my five-year old eats. He's a very picky eater.
Jerry: You hear about that kid that was kidnapped the other day in Pennsylvania?
Julianna: No.
Jerry: He was at a carnival with his mother. She goes to get a hot dog, next thing you know she turns around, boom, he's gone.
Julianna: Oh.
Jerry: Imagine how sick a person has to be to do something like that. (she starts the quick hand chops on his back) And these people are all over the place. You never know who's crazy, I could be one of these people.
Julianna (Visibly Uncomfortable): Have you seen any good movies?
Jerry: Who takes care of your boy during the day?
Julianna: We have a woman. Why?
Jerry: No no. I'm just saying.
Julianna: She had references.
Jerry: Oh I'm sure she did, I'm sure they're impeccable. I'm talking about the ones that forge `em.
Jerry: (about the massage)You know I think this is really helping.
Julianna: I don't live near here, ya know!
Jerry: So she's giving me the massage and I'm just making conversation.
Elaine: I don't like to talk during a massage.
Jerry: Neither do I, but I do it for them. I figure they're bored.
George: Yeah, I do that too. I feel guilty about getting the pleasure. I feel like I don't deserve it so I talk. It stops me from enjoying it. There's nothing to eat in here.
Elaine: Oh! I forgot to tell you-
Jerry: I'm in the middle of a story.
Elaine: Oh, okay, go ahead.
George: Why don't you ever go shopping?
Jerry: Well its not like it's a really funny story or anything.
Elaine: What happened?
Jerry: Well so she mentioned that she had a son, and then for some reason, I launch into the story about the kid from Pennsylvania who was abducted.
Elaine: Oh, wasn't that terrible?
Jerry: Yes, it was.
George: Not even an apple.
Elaine: She doesn't want to hear that, that was stupid.
Jerry: I know it was stupid.
Elaine: Really stupid. (she takes a big sip from her bottled water.)
Jerry: Hey, I just said it was stupid.
George: What about this leftover Chinese food?
Jerry: Take it.
Elaine: I can't believe you said that.
Jerry: Hey, would you stop it already?
Elaine: So, whatd she say?
Jerry: I don't know, she actually seemed to get a little paranoid.
George: (he just took a bite of the Chinese food ) This is terrible. What is this, ginger? I hate ginger. I can't understand how anyone can eat ginger. (puts the container back in the refrigerator.)
Elaine: I have a good masseuse you could go to.
Jerry: Nah, she's really good and she's not just a masseuse, she's a physical therapist. There's a big difference. She uses the ultrasound, it's a real medical procedure. In fact, if you get a doctor's note, it's covered by insurance.
George: Physical therapy is covered by insurance?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: You don't have to pay for the massage?
Jerry: Not if you have a doctor's note.
Elaine: So where do you get this note?
Jerry: Well I've never actually done it but if I really wanted to I could probably get one from my friend Roy, the dentist.
George: Right, your friend Roy.
Elaine: What's the name of this physical therapist?
Jerry: I'll tell you, but don't ask her anything about her kid, she a little off.
George: And you don't have to pay.
George: We have a, three-o'clock appointments.
Receptionist: George and Elaine, right?
Elaine: Right.
Receptionist: Could you fill these out for me please? And um, Elaine, you'll be seeing Julianna
Elaine: (quietly) Ok.
Receptionist: And George, you'll be with Raymond.
George: Excuse me, did you say 'Raymond'?
Receptionist: Yes.
George: But, uh, Raymond is a man.
Receptionist: That's right.
George: I can't get a massage from a man.
Elaine: Why not?
George: What, are you crazy? I can't have a man touching me. Switch with me.
Elaine: No, I don't want the man either.
George: What's the difference, you're a woman. They're supposed to be touching you.
Elaine: He'd just be touching your back.
George: He'd just be touching your back too.
Elaine: No, it could get sexual.
George: I know. That's the point. If it's gonna get sexual, it should get sexual with you.
Elaine: I wouldn't be comfortable.
George: I would? What if something happens?
Elaine: What could happen?
George: What if it felt good?
Elaine: It's supposed to feel good.
George: I don't want it to feel good.
Elaine: Then why get the massage?
George: Exactly!
Raymond: George?
George: Yes?
Raymond: I'm Raymond. (with a big smile)
George: Hello.(with not a big smile)
Raymond: Are you ready? (smiling, he looks at Elaine. She smiles back at him while looking all the way up there at the tall, handsome Raymond.)
Raymond: And then Julianna asked me if I wanted to join her here in the office.
George: Really.
Raymond: Use to be a flight attendant.
George: Oh boy.
Raymond: Ya know, why don't ya, open those pants, it's gonna be a lot easier that way.
Raymond: So what do you do?
George: What?
Raymond: I said, 'What do you do?'.
George: I-I don't know.
Raymond: You don't know what you do?
George: Nah.
Raymond: Ohh-ho, come on. Hey, you're very tense.
George: hu, Coffee. Too much coffee (nervous laughter).
Raymond: Okay, just take off those pants now, and I'll work the hamstring.
George: Oh, the hamstrings fine.
Raymond: But you wrote that it was tender. (holding the clip board)
George: I wrote. Pfft, *I* wrote.
Raymond: I'll check it out. (makes a notation on the form)
George: Are you sure?
Raymond: Yeah, take 'em off. (continues writing)
Raymond: How did you hurt this?
George: I don't know.
Raymond: You don't know?
George: No.
Raymond: But you just told me-
George: Korea.
Raymond: You hurt it in Korea?
George: What?
Raymond: The hamstring.
George: Korea.
Raymond: How?
George: Hamstring.
Raymond: How did you hurt the hamstring?
George: Hotel.
Elaine: How'd it go? George?
Jerry: No appointments at all? Because my neck is still tight. What about Thursday? And Friday? Oh boy. Okay, thanks anyway.
Jerry: What's with you?
George: A... ah...
Jerry: Yes, A...?
George: A man gave me...
Jerry: Yes, a man gave you...?
George: A man gave me... a massage. hu, hu
Jerry: So?
George: So he... had his hands and, uh, he was uh
Jerry: He was what?!
George: He-he was uh touching and rubbing. (nervous laugh)
Jerry: That's a massage.
George: And then I took my pants off.
Jerry: You took your pants off?
George: For my hamstring.
Jerry: Oh.
George: He got about uh, two inches from... there.
Jerry: Really?
George: I think it moved.
Jerry: Moved?
George: It may have moved, I don't know.
Jerry: I'm sure it didn't move.
George: It moved! It was imperceptible but I-I felt it.
Jerry: Maybe it just wanted to change positions? You know, shift to the other side.
George: No, no. It wasn't a shift, I've shifted, this was a move.
Jerry: Okay, so what if it moved?
George: That's the sign! The test; if a - if a man makes it move.
Jerry: That's not the test. Contact is the test, if it moves, as a result of contact.
George: You think it's contact? It has to be touched?
Jerry: That's what a gym teacher once told me.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: I just saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Donuts. You know, I-I looked in there and there he was having coffee and a donut.
Jerry: Joe DiMaggio? In Dinky Donuts?
Kramer: Yeah. Joe DiMaggio.
Jerry: No, I'm sorry, if Joe DiMaggio wants a donut, he goes to a fancy restaurant or a hotel. He's not sitting in Dinky Donuts.
Kramer: Well maybe he likes Dinky Donuts.
George: I don't even like to sit next to a man on an airplane 'cause our knees might touch.
Jerry: I can't see Joe DiMaggio sitting at the counter in little tiny filthy smelly Dinky Donuts.
Kramer: Why can't Joe DiMaggio have a donut like everyone else?
Jerry: He can have a donut,
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: but not at Dinky.
George: I don't even like to use urinals, always been a stall man.
Kramer: Look I'm tellin- (he does a double take and looks at George) I'm telling ya, that was Joe DiMaggio.
George: The guy slept with Marilyn Monroe, he's in Dinky Donuts. What about this doctor's note? Let's go see your friend Roy.
Jerry: I never said I'd do that.
George: What are you talking about, that's seventy-five bucks! I'm not working, I can't afford that.
Jerry: I don't know how I feel about it.
George: Oh, what are you, like, a Quaker now?
Jerry: Alright, alright.
Kramer: A stall man, huh? (small laugh)
George: All right - (Gets up to leave)
Kramer: Wha-ha-a-at? (makes a gesture with his hand)
Jerry: ...so we were just kinda wondering if it was possible for you to write us a note, and if you can't, believe me, it's fine.
George: He didn't say he can't.
Jerry: I mean, if you feel funny about it, at all.
George: He doesn't feel funny.
Jerry: If he does.
George: Do you feel funny? He didn't say anything.
Jerry: He feels funny. You don't have to do this.
George: He knows that!
Jerry: Roy, should we go? Is this a breach of our friendship?
George: Oh, can you be any more dramatic?
Roy: Don't be ridiculous. (Notices George looking at a poster on the wall) Holyfield. He's a good friend of one of my patients. He's got a hell of a body, doesn't he?
George: How would I know?
Roy: Do you like him?
George: What do you mean, like him?
Roy: Do you like him?
George: I mean he's a good fighter and a nice guy but I don't like him.
Roy: How come you don't like him?
George: Why should I?
Jerry: What is the matter with you?
George: Nothing, why? You think something's wrong? Am I different?
Roy: So, you want the notes?
Jerry: You don't have to, really.
Roy: Nah nah, it's ok.
Jerry: We should probably get one for Elaine, too, right George? (turns to George, who is staring intently at the Holyfield poster) George?
Jerry: Well what about the week after?
Jerry: No appointments at all? (motions to Elaine to move over)
Elaine: What? (he bumps her with his butt to move over)
Jerry: Can I - can I at least just talk to her so I can apologize? Forget it. (Hangs up) I can't believe this, I make one innocent comment, about some lunatic in Pennsylvania and I'm cut off. This woman is insane. (Looks at Elaine for a moment) What's with you?
Elaine: What?
Jerry: Well you were too close to me, I was all scrunched in there.
Elaine: Hey, you scrunched me. I sat down here first.
Kramer: Hey, I saw DiMaggio in the donut shop again.
Jerry: Uh huh.
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: Joe DiMaggio?
Kramer: Joe DiMaggio, you know this time I went in and sat down across from him and I really watched him. I studied, his every move. For example, he dunks.
Elaine: Joe DiMaggio dunks his donut?!
Kramer: That's right.
Jerry: See, now I know it's not him. Joe DiMaggio could not be a dunker.
Kramer: Oh, he's a dunker.
Elaine: Why couldn't he be a dunker?
Kramer: And nothing diverts his attention. Like, I'm uh, you know, I-I, like I'm sitting in there, you know. And, uh, I start banging on the table, you know, to uh, so that hell look up, you know, Like I'm sitting there you know and uh, *bang* (slams the table) You know, *bang* He wouldn't move. So then I start doing these yelping noises. Like, *yip* (high pitched yelping noises) *yip*. No reaction because the guy is so focused, you see, he can just block out anything that's going on around him. See, that's how he played baseball. He dunks like he hits.
Elaine: So then what?
Kramer: Well, then the waitress, she comes up and she tells me to shut up or they're gonna throw me out.
Elaine: Why didn't you just call out his name?
Jerry: What happened to you?
George: These kids called me a Mary.
Elaine: A what?
George: I was jumping over a puddle, and for some reason I went like this. (George stretches out his arms in a ballet motion) And they called me a Mary. So I chased them, and I tripped and I fell.
Kramer: Yeah, you know kids, they can be very perceptive.
Elaine: Hey, George? What is this? (laughing, Elaine makes the same outstretched arm motion) What is that? No really, what is that?
Jerry: Hello? Oh, hi Roy. What? Oh my god. Wel- how did this happen? What can I do? Oh. I am so sorry. Okay. Bye. (Hangs up) That was Roy. He's under investigation for insurance fraud.
Kramer (Singing): ...just a man and not a freak, Joltin' Joe DiMaggio. Joe, Joe. Go, Joe...
Jerry: I told you.
George: Told me what?
Jerry: I told you we shouldn't do it.
George: He didn't say anything.
Jerry: He's got a house, a family, they could take away his license. You should have heard him. Three notes, how stupid was that? We never should have got three notes.
Elaine: Three notes?
Jerry: Yeah, you, me and George.
Elaine: You got me a note?
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: But I got my own note.
Jerry: You what?
Elaine: I got a note from my gynecologist.
Jerry: Why'd you do that?
Elaine: I didn't know you were getting me a note.
Jerry: Of course I was getting you a note.
Elaine: But you didn't say anything. Ohhh
Jerry: Neither did you, that's how he got caught. We sent in four notes from two doctors.
George: No Doctor-
Elaine: Wait a-
Kramer: How can you do that to your friend? He's got a wife, kids, and a lot of other stuff. Oh, yyyeeah.
Jerry: Hi Pam.
Pam: Hello.
George: Hello.
Jerry: I just thought ahh maybe I could talk to Roy, if um
Roy: Pam, did the x-ray from Mrs. Sloan... Hi.
Jerry: Hi Roy.
George: How ya doing?
Roy: Come on back, I have a patient but she's under.
Jerry: I don't even know what to say.
George: Me neither.
Jerry: I knew this would happen.
George: Me too.
Jerry: I mean the whole thing, it's just...
George: Tragic.
Jerry: Well it's not tragic.
George: No?
Jerry: No, it's...
George: Unsettling?
Jerry: Okay. I mean, what if the-
Pam: I hope you're both happy. (she turns and walks away)
Jerry: I'm not happy.
George: Me neither. I've never been happy.
Jerry: I mean I'm happy sometimes, but-but not now.
George: In college, maybe. Those were fun times.
Jerry: Yeah, college was fun.
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Yeah.
Pam: You know the whole practice is in jeopardy, you know that? (she turns and walks away again.)
Roy: Don't mind her.
Jerry: Oh please, I love her.
George: I've just met her but I'm very impressed.
Roy: I can't understand, I've never had a problem with these notes before.
Jerry: Well what's the next move, what's gonna happen now?
Roy: Well, nothing really, as long as we get the physical therapist to go along with our story.
Jerry: What? The physical therapist? Why?
Roy: She just has to say the complaint was related to a dental problem.
George: How ya doing?
Jerry: Hi. Ah look, I know I don't have an appointment but it's really important that I talk with Julianna.
Receptionist: I'm sorry, Mr. Seinfeld, she's not in.
Jerry: Yeah, I know she's mad at me, but I really have to speak with her.
Receptionist: I told you, she's not here.
Jerry: You don't understand, ah
Receptionist: Look, you have to leave.
Jerry: Wait a second, don't you-
Jerry: Hi. Hi. Look, I don't know what you think -
Julianna: Please!
Jerry: -but, you see, let me just talk to you for a second, see, what I did is inadvertently sent an insurance-
Julianna: I treated you, so please, just get out of the office!
Jerry: Can't you just listen to me?
Julianna (Releasing Her Child): Run Billy! Run to the office and close the door! (to the receptionist) Call the police!
Jerry: The police?
Raymond: What is the -. Hi George. (stands there with a big smile)
George: Hello.
Jerry (To George): Raymond?
Elaine: Well, I mean it's only a six month probation, it's a slap on the wrist.
Jerry: Yeah, I still don't see any dinner invitations forthcoming.
George: Men have been popping into my sexual fantasies. All of a sudden I'll be, in the middle.
Elaine: Of what?
George: And a guy will appear from out of nowhere. I say "Get out of here! What do you want? You don't belong here!"
Elaine: What do they do?
George: They talk back. They go, "Hey George, how's it going?" I say, "Get the hell out of here!"
Jerry: Hey, it's the K-man. (he bangs on the glass to get Kramer's attention, Elaine laughs) Maybe it's time you got a different hobby.
Kramer: Man, Ughhhh, wwwheh. I just came from Roy's. I threw up from the gas.
Jerry: Did he say anything?
Kramer: No no, he's fine.
Jerry (Noticing Something Across The Coffee Shop): Oh my god, it's...
George (Looking Over): Joe DiMaggio.
Elaine: (gasps)
Kramer: Where?
Jerry: Having a cup of coffee.
Elaine: And he's dunking!
Kramer: Yeah - yeah.
Jerry: Wow. Look at him. The Yankee Clipper
Kramer: (quietly) yeah.
Jerry: here.
George: You see? Now that is a handsome man. (Elaine and Jerry look right at George) Oh please.
Kramer: Wait, wait hold on now, wait, wait *bang* (he slams his hand down on the table, startling Jerry, Elaine and George) *bang* (again) *yip* (another high pitched yelping sound) *yip* *yip* See? I told you.
Jerry: What causes homophobia? What is it, that makes a heterosexual man, worry? I think it's because, men know, that deep down we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, "Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store, thinking it's a shoe store, and the salesman goes, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around the store a little bit, see how you feel. No obligation, no pressure, just try it. Would you like to see him in a sandal?'"
Song Over The End Credits: Joltin' Joe DiMaggio
Http: //www.baseball-almanac.com/poetry/joltinjoedimaggio.shtml
Published: 1941
Performed By: Les Brown
Sung By: Betty Bonney


Jerry: Welcome everyone to the room...Ah, the extra button...yeah ... what kind of a sicko would save these ...have them in a huge file, drawers that wide (small fingers opening imaginary drawers) Where the hell is that ... I mean is it THAT hard to get round black buttons that they have to make it into such a great thing like this? ... is it such a great jacket ... the buttons are so unique, so one of a kind, you'll never find them - they save you the trouble of knocking your brain off - and we know they're going to fall off too that's the other thing ...
Patrice: Everyone in my family's creative. And even though I'm working as an accountant now I'd really like to eventually live exclusively on my pappe-ay mache-ay hats
George: I don't understand. Paper Machay hats?
Patrice: uh uh
George: What if it rains?
Patrice: They're art. You hang them on the wall.
George: Oh, art!
Patrice: It's my creative outlet. One of my passions.
George: Any money in it?
Patrice: Who so belongs only to his age, references only popenjays and mumbo jumbos
George: Of course, right.
Patrice: Thomas Carlisle, 1864.
George: Tommy C.
Jerry: These are the receipts from 85 and I'm going to do 86.
Kramer: I'm sorry. I thought it was a legitimate charity. I didn't know you'd get audited
Jerry: I don't blame you. I blame myself.
Kramer: No, blame me.
Jerry: OK, I blame you.
Kramer: Don't blame me.
Jerry: What was I supposed to do? You knew I was on my first date with Elaine. You come barging in here asking me to contribute money for a volcano relief fund for krakatoa.
Kramer: It was supposed to erupt.
Jerry: I find the whole thing very embarrassing.
Kramer: You know what my feelings are about this. I don't even pay taxes.
Jerry: Yeah, tha's easy when you have no income.
Elaine: Hi,
Jerry: Hi
Elaine: Kramer, do me a favour will ya'. If you insist o making pasta in my apartment please don't put the tomato sauce on the pasta while it's in the strainer. All the little squares have hardened red sauce in them.
Elaine: What's so funny
Jerry: Kramer dating your room mate. It's funny.
Elaine: Uh, it's a riot Alice.
Kramer: When do you pit the sauce on?
Elaine: Any other time.
Kramer: I like to strain the sauce.
Elaine: And ... I could really live without the tribal music ... and the make out sessions in the living room
Kramer: Yeah, Tina likes the couch.
Elaine: What are you doing? What is all this?
Jerry: Oh he's uh, helping me sort my receipts. I'm being audited.
Elaine: O, your being auditted? What for?
Jerry: Oh, I contributed money to a charity that turned out to be fraudulent. It's very boring.
Elaine: When was this?
Jerry: Uh, Along long time ago, in a galaxy far far away.
Elaine: I remember you donated to some volcano thing on our first date.
Jerry: Volcano? Really?
Elaine: Oh, wait a minute. Don't tell me that that was ...
Jerry: Something to drink?
Elaine: What did you think, that would impress me?
Jerry: You got it ALL wrong. I was thinking only of the poor Krakatoans
Elaine: Like you this donation for 50 bucks and I'd start tearing my clothes off?
Jerry: Those brave Krakatoans East of Java. who sacrifice so much for so long.
Elaine: Now you're being audited because of it. You see That's Karma.
Jerry: No, that's Krama.
Elaine: So, waddya' going to do?
Jerry: It's all taken care of.
Elaine: How is that?
Kramer: (chuckles)
Jerry: An old friend of mine, whom you may have met, George Costanza, has recently become intimate with a female accountant who was formally a highly placed official with an outfit known as the IRS. And as we speak, at this very moment he is handing over to her all of my pertinent tax information. And she has assured us that the matter is well within her field of expertise.
Elaine: Why is she doing this?
Jerry: I don't know. It must be love.
George: I don't think we should see each other anymore. You're great but I'm I'm riddled with personal problems.
Patrice: What did I do?
George: Nothing It's not you. It's me. I have a fear of commitment. I don't know how to love.
Patrice: You hate my earrings don't you?
George: No, no,
Patrice: And you didn't comment on the chop sticks.
George: I love the chop sticks. I, I personally prefer a fork but they look very nice.
Patrice: You're not telling me the truth. I must have done something.
George: I have a fear of intimacy
Patrice: Don't give me cliches. I have a right to know. What did I do wrong?
George: Nothing. It's not YOU..
Patrice: I want the truth.
George: The truth. you want the truth? It is your earrings It is the chopsticks but it's so much more. You're pretentious. You call everyone by their full name You call my doorman, Sammy, "Samuel" but you didn't even say "Samuel" You went "Sam - U- EL" Papie-eh Mach-eh What is Papie-ay Mach-ay?
Patrice: Keep goin'.
George: I, I think I made my point. I'm sorry if I was a little harsh.
Patrice: No, I asked for the truth. Thank you for being so honest.
George: Can I uh, can I walk you back to work?
Patrice: I prefer to go alone. How much do I owe?
George: Oh, please ... ... four dollars is f...
Jerry: ... if this audit had happened to me and I didn't have this woman to help me I would have killed this man. I would have strangled the life out of him with my bare hands
Elaine: I don't blame ya'
Jerry: Have you ever been through an audit?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: It's hell. It's the financial equivalent of a complete rectal examination. I would have killed this man. Torn him limb from limb, ripped the flesh right off his bones ...
Jerry: Yeah
George: George
Jerry: Come up - Ah, there he is, the man himself, George Louis Costanza. Here I am about to go to the electric chair and my oldest friend is dating the governor
George: My whole life has been a complete waste of time, (chuckle)
Jerry: And there's so much more to go.
George: Now I know what I am supposed to do. It's so simple. Tell the truth That's all. Just tell the truth
Jerry: So what happened? You gave her my tax papers? ... My papers?
George: Oh, oh, your papers
Jerry: What happened you didn't give her the papers?
George: No. I did.
Jerry: SO?
George: ...I broke up with her.
Jerry: You what?
George: I broke up with her.
Jerry: I'm being audited! And you broke up with her?
George: It's OK. It's fine. She'll do it. I'm sure she'll still do it.
Jerry: Why will she still do it? She hates you now. People don't do you favors after you dump them.
George: Oh, no. We left on good terms.
Jerry: How is that possible?
George: Because I uh, I told her the truth.
Jerry: Oh, my God.
George: It's OK.
Jerry: It's unheard of ...
George: She asked me to.
Jerry: So you lie! What did you tell her?
George: I told her that she was pretentious.
Jerry: Pretentious!? The woman has my tax papers. You told her she was pretentious? The IRS. They're like the MAFIA. They can take anything they want
Elaine: How would you like it if someone told YOU the truth?
George: Like what? What could they say?
Elaine: There are plenty of things to say.
George: Like what? I'm bald? What is it specifically? Is, is there an odor I'm not aware of?
Elaine: George, please.
George: Give me one.
Elaine: You sure?
George: Yes.
Elaine: What?
Elaine: Forget it. You are very careful with money.
George: I'm cheap? You think I'm CHEAP? How could you say that to me? I can't believe this. How could you say that to me?
Elaine: You asked me to.
George: You should have lied.
Elaine: HUH, so should you.
Jerry: OK, wait a second, wait a second, what happened to my papers?
George: (ignoring Jerry) I mean I'm not really working right now.
Elaine: I know.
George: When I was working I spent baby.
Jerry: Yeah, I know champagne, limos, cigars. WHAT happened to the papers?
George: She put them in her pocketbook. I guess she took them with her.
Elaine: Pocketbook or a handbag?
Jerry: Is that relevant? She TOOK them. Call her office.
George: Give me the phone. (dials) Yea, Hi I would like to speak to Patrice. ... what? ... oh really? ... oh, ok, thank you, ... (hangs up)
Jerry: What? What?
George: She never came back from lunch.
Jerry: This is no good. This is no good. Call her house.
George: (dials) Hi, are you OK? no, no,.. huh, (hangs up) She hung up.
Jerry: Not good.
George: All right. There's nothing to be worried about. She's just a little annoyed right now. Tomorrow I'll personally go over there. I'll apologize. I'll get the papers. Don't worry. Don't worry. (exits)
Jerry: Not good
Kramer: Yeah, it's a windshield.
Jerry: I can see that. What's it for?
Kramer: I found it on the road.
Jerry: Yeah (to buzzer)
Elaine: (from intercom) I just finished working out are you busy?
Jerry: Come on up.
Kramer: Can you believe somebody threw this out? You know I'm going to make a coffee table out of this and surprise Tina.
Jerry: wouldn't it be invisible? I mean, what, are you going to just sense it's in front of the couch?
Kramer: wow
Elaine: hell-oo
Kramer: hell-oo
Jerry: What's with you two?
Elaine: You haven't told him?
Jerry: Tell me what?
Elaine: Huh, go ahead, tell him.
Kramer: I, I saw her naked.
Elaine: He saw me naked. Kramer, ... saw me naked.
Kramer: Well, you know, ... it was an accident.
Elaine: Who walks into a woman's bedroom without knocking. I want to know!
Kramer: I thought it was a closet.
Jerry: Completely naked?
Kramer: Completely naked.
Elaine: Jerrryyy, How can I go on?
Kramer: All right. I'll tell you what. If it's going to make you feel any better you can see me naked.
Elaine: No thanks!
Kramer: No, I want you to see me naked.
Elaine: No, no no.
Kramer: No, I want to show you.
Elaine: No! Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry: OK, just a second lets not lose our heads here. Kramer you know you are always welcome in my home but as far as Mr. Johnson is concerned, that's another story.
Elaine: What is this?
Kramer: Well, it's a windshield. It's going to be your new coffee table.
Elaine: Ah, I'm going to kill myself on that thiing. You can't even see it.
Jerry: You'll sense it.
Jerry: Well, what happened? Was she there?
George: No, no she wasn't.
Jerry: You didn't get my papers?
George: No, I didn't.
Jerry: Well, where is she?
George: A mental institution.
Jerry: Why is it so difficult, uncomfortable, to be naked. It's because when you have clothes on you can always kinda make those little adjustments which people like to do ... you feel like you're getting it together, yeah, yeah pretty good (pulling at lapels, pockets etc.) feeling good looking good But when you're naked it's like it's so final you're, Well that's it. (no movements) There's nothing else I can do. That's why I like to wear a belt when I'm naked. Cause I feel it gives me something, I know I'm naked, but you know, (tugging and lifting belt) I like to get pockets to hang off of the belt that would be, wouldn't that be the ultimate? To be naked and still be able to do this (hand in pocket) I think that would really help a lot.
Jerry: A mental institution?
Kramer: You know what they do in there? Did you see CooCoo's Nest? They put those electrodes in your head.
George: It's not really a mental institution. It's more like a depression clinic. She went out to Woodhaven and checked herself in. I'm, I'm sick over this.
Elaine: Who told you this
George: Her roommate. I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.
Kramer: My friend Bob Sacamano had shock treatments. But his synapses were so large, it had no effect.
Jerry: You know I hate to raise a crass financial concern but was there any information as to the where abouts of my PAPERS!
George: She put them in her pocket book. She probably took them out there with her.
Jerry: So what now?
George: I don't know.
Jerry: Can we go out there?
George: Where?
Jerry: Woodhaven.
George: We could.
George: I'm very nervous about this. I've never spoken to a mental patient before.
Jerry: My cousin Douglas was in a place like this one time . He came over to my house for dinner. There was no soda and he went bezerk. He was screamin' "where's the Pepsi, where's the Pepsi?"
George: I should be in a place like this. I envy this woman. Ya' get to wear slippers all day. Friends visit. They pity you. Pity is very underrated. I like it it's good. Plus they give you those word association tests. I love those.
Jerry: That'd be great. There's no wrong answer.
George: Potato
Jerry: Tuberculosis
George: Blanket
Jerry: Leroy
George: Grass
Jerry: Tuberculosis
George: Oh, boy. Here she comes.
Elaine: Oh, my god.
Elaine: KRAMER!
Kramer: Hey.
Elaine: WILL YOU PLEASE PUT SOMETHING ON.
Kramer: Listen uh, you want some leftovers? I made some African food. There's, yambalas and uh, sambusa.
Tina: Kramer, are you coming back to bed?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I'll be right there baby.
Tina: Oh, hi Elaine. (returns Elaine's ear rings) What did you think of the coffee table?
Elaine: It's invisible.
Kramer: So, is everything cool? or what?
Tina: Yeah, um, you seem little bit dysfunctional.
Elaine: Well,
Tina: Come on Elaine. just tell us the truth.
Elaine: The Truth!, You want The Truth?
Patrice: Who are you?
George: Oh, this is my friend Jerry.
Patrice: Why are you talking like that? And what do YOU want?
Jerry: Want, want? What could I possibly want? Uh, I just came because I, I heard so many nice things about you from George.
Patrice: George thinks I'm pretentious.
George: Pretentious? Who, who isn't pretentious? Ha, ha, if everyone who was pretentious was in a mental institution, ... uh, obviously THIS isn't a mental institution.
Patrice: You're just trying to take it all back because you're feeling guilty I'm in here.
George: No, that's not it at all.
Patrice: Don't LIE George.
George : I'M NOT A LIER!
George: Uh, we're cool. Everything's cool (to security attendent)
Jerry: Just chatting. Friendly.
George: All righty, no reason for us to uh, raise our voices.
Patrice: I know what you said. You can't change that.
George: What I said? I say stupid things all the time I can't go two minutes without saying stupid things.
Jerry: It's one stupid thing after another. So let me ask you, when you come to one of these places, what do you bring your pocketbook?
George: You should be the one criticizing me. I, I'm lucky to even know someone like you.
Patrice: You mean that?
George: Of course I mean that. I am incapable of guile.
Jerry: He's never guiled. You know some women keep a lot of important papers in their, uh, pocket books. Like for example oh, someone else's personal financial papers.
Patrice: Papers? Oh, Jerry, You're the Jerome with the tax problem. You know after that day with George I got so cuckoo I threw out all your papers. So I'd love to help you but I'll need the copies.
Jerry: there are no copies.
Patrice: So are you saying you want to continue seeing me?
Jerry: Who makes copies?
Elaine: The truth is ... I think you make ... a very nice couple.
Kramer: Oh,
Tina: Kramer,
Tina: Here Kramer?
Kramer: No, lets go to the couch...
Jerry: (on phone)Yes, I'm trying to get a copy of a receipt for a computer that I bought there... it was 1987 ... I remember I talked to a guy - he had like a maroon sport jacket - and he might have had a toupee - oh, it was a weave - ok uh, then I'll come bye ok, bye.
Jerry: Anybody want to take a walk down to 48th street? I think I may have tracked down another receipt.
Elaine: I can't. I have to go visit Tina in the hospital.
Jerry: George?
George: I'm going to a poetry reading with PATRICE First time poets, in a burnt out building, down by the docks, Supposed to be good.
Kramer: Hey, Are you going to the hospital now?
Elaine: Yeah, I suppose I am.
Kramer: All right, great, great uh, we'll share a cab.
Jerry: You're going by 48th St. You can give me a ride.
George: Hey, I'm getting in on that.
Elaine: You know you're chippin' in.
George: You're going that way anyway!
Jerry: I was audited last year. At first I thought well, IRS kinda sounds like Toys R Us maybe won't be so bad. Maybe they have a sense of fun about it, you know. But it's it's bad. It's an ordeal. And they don't do anything to keep your spirits up through the ordeal. I think they should take all your receipts and put them in one of those big Lucite sweepstake drums and just kinda crank it around there. You know give me a feeling like you might win something. You know what I mean? Then they can pull them out one by one and go "Oh, I'm sorry that's another illegal deduction. But we do have some lovely parting gifts for you. Jail!"


[Setting: Night club]
Jerry: I have never seen an old person in a new bathing suit in my life. I don't know where they get their bathing suits, but my father has bathing suits from other centuries. My parents live in Florida, and if you go down there and you forget your bathing suits then they want you to wear one of theirs. You know how that gets? "You need trunks son? I've got trunks for you. You can wear my trunks." Fathers don't wear bathing suits, they wear trunks. It's kind of the same thing a tree would wear if it went swimming. So I get in the water with in thing and it's like floating around me somewhere. Did you ever put on a bathing suit that you don't even know exactly where you are inside the bathing suit? You bump into somebody you know "No I'm parasailing, I'm waiting for the boat to come back."
[Setting: Florida, evening, condo of Jerry's parents]
Helen: (looking by the window) They were supposed to be here at 730. Call the airlines again.
Morty: (searching in a kitchen drawer) What happened to the scotch tape? Who takes the scotch tape? Nobody returns anything around here.
Helen: Oh I think that's them!
Morty: You what I'll do next time? I'll hide it so nobody can find it.
All: Hi, welcome, greetings, hugs, etc.
Morty: Welcome to Florida!
Elaine: Hi Mr. Seinfeld! (hug)
Jerry: Hey, there's the old man! (hug)
Morty: So, what took you so long?
Jerry: Ahh, we waited 35 minutes in the rent-a-car place.
Helen: I don't know why you had to rent a car. We would have picked you up.
Jerry: What's the difference?
Helen: You could have used our car.
Jerry: I don't wanna use your car.
Helen: What's wrong with our car?
Jerry: Nothing. It's a fine car. What if you wanna use it?
Helen: We don't use it.
Morty: What are you talking? We use it.
Helen: If you were using it, we wouldn't use it.
Jerry: So what would you do? You'd hitch?
Helen: How much is a rent-a-car?
Jerry: I don't know. 25 bucks a day.
Helen: What? You're crazy.
Morty: Plus the insurance.
Jerry: Oh, I didn't get the insurance.
Morty: How could you not get the insurance?
Helen: We'll pay for the car.
Jerry: You're not paying for it.
Helen: Morty. (asking him to back her. He doesn't)
Jerry: God it's so hot in here. Why don't you put on the air conditioning?
Helen: You don't need the air conditioner. So, you have your speech all ready?
Jerry: It's not a speech. Do I have to make a speech?
Helen: Of course, they're giving a testimonial for your father. You could do your comic routines.
Jerry: (ironically) Oh yeah, that will go over real well with that crowd.
Elaine: (looking by the window) Ooh, you have a lake?
Jerry: The lake isn't real.
Helen: The lake is real.
Morty: Are you kidding? They built the lake.
Helen: But it's real. It's water.
Helen: Where are you going with those?
Jerry: I'm gonna put Elaine's stuff in here.
Helen: Don't sleep in there. You can you use the bedroom.
Elaine: I can't take your bedroom.
Helen: I'm up at 6 o'clock in the morning.
Elaine: I can't kick you out of your bed.
Helen: We don't even sleep.
Jerry: Ma.
Helen: But this is sofa bed, you'll be uncomfortable.
Jerry: (to Morty) What about you?
Morty: Why should I be comfortable?
Jerry: (to Helen) What about him?
Helen: Don't worry, he's comfortable.
Morty: I'll sleep standing up. I'll be fine.
Helen: Will you stop?
Elaine: Yeah, I'll just stay in here. (goes in the guest room)
Helen: Jerry, (asking Jerry to go in the kitchen so Elaine won't hear) Jerry. You don't have to stay on the couch on my account. The two of you could stay in there together.
Jerry: Na, that's not such a good idea.
Helen: Well I tought that...
Jerry: Not now. She's right inside.
Helen: (quieter) What happened?
Jerry: I don't know. We decided we don't really work as a couple.
Helen: What does that mean?
Jerry: Well...
Morty: (comes to the kitchen and with a loud voice) Why are you whispering?
Jerry: Shh! Nothing, nothing.
Helen: Elaine...
Morty: (still loud) What about her?
Jerry: (tries to explain to Morty but Elaine then comes out of the guest room to get more luggage, so he fakes a conversation) ...but you know, look at the sun-dried tomatoes. Where were they five years ago? It just goes to show you. You never know what... huh (waiting for Elaine to go back in the guest room) you know... huh... What could happen to a vegetable. It could just take right off at any time. (Morty finally gets it. So Jerry goes on quieter) We've tried all kind of arrangements, but we can't seem to be friends when we sleep together.
Morty: (Morty goes on louder! Did he ever whisper in any episode? -) Why do you need more friends? You've got plenty of friends.
Helen: He's an idealist.
Morty: What the hell are you looking for?
Jerry: I'm looking. That's the point. I like looking.
Helen: He likes looking.
Morty: So look.
Helen: But how long can you look?
Jerry: I'm going for the record.
Helen: You know your father wouldn't say so but he's really glad you came.
Jerry: Oh, come on.
Helen: This is a big thing for him. Outgoing president of the condo association.
(Knock On Door: this is Jack and Doris, neigboors)
Morty: Aha!
Doris: So they arrived safely.
Morty: (to Jerry) You remember Jack and Doris?
Jerry: Nice to see you. This is Elaine.
Elaine: Hi. Nice to meet you.
Jack: So Jerry, you came all the way down here for this?
Elaine: And scuba diving.
Helen: Scuba diving? Who's going scuba diving?
Jerry: We're going scuba diving. We'll be back in time.
Helen: What do you have to go scuba diving for?
Jerry: For fun.
Helen: For fun?
Morty: Jack have some spong cake.
Jack: No. thanks, no.
Morty: Jack is emceeing tomorrow. He's in charge of the whole thing.
Jack: So Jerry, your mother told me you're gonna do one your little comedy skits tomorrow?
Jerry: I don't think so.
Jack: No? Listen Morty you wanna settle up for last night? (Morty nods) All right. I owe you 19.45$ (he gets his checks book and a pen from his pocket).
Morty: What did you have? You had the minute steak?
Jack: Yeah.
Morty: Did you have a coke or what?
Jack: I did NOT have a coke.
Morty: Somebody had a coke.
Helen: Oh I had a coke.
Doris: And I had the scampi.
Jack: So that's 17.10$ and the tax and the tip.
Morty: All right. Make it 20 bucks.
Jack: It's 19.45$, Morty. (he gives him the check)
Morty: 19.45$ ?
Jack: See? You know your father. He can't get a write to the penny, but that's why he was such a good president.
Jerry: What kind of pen is that?
Jack: This pen?
Jerry: Yeah.
Jack: This is an astronaut pen. It writes upside down. They use this in space.
Jerry: Wow! That's the astronaut pen. I heard about that. Where did you get it?
Jack: Oh it was a gift.
Jerry: Cause sometimes I write in bed and I have to turn and lean on my elbow to make the pen work.
Jack: Take the pen.
Jerry: Oh no.
Jack: Go ahead.
Jerry: I couldn't
Jack: Come on, take the pen!
Jerry: I can't take it.
Jack: Do me a personal favor!
Jerry: No, I'm not...
Jack: Take the pen!
Jerry: I cannot take it!
Jack: Take the pen!
Jerry: Are you sure?
Jack: Positive! Take the pen!
Jerry: O.K. Thank you very much. Thank you. Gee, boy!
Helen: Jack, what are you doing?
Jack: Stop it!
Doris: Jack, we should go. (they go to the door) It was nice meeting you.
Elaine: Mmm, nice to meet you.
Jerry: Thanks again.
Jack: Come on!
Doris: (to Morty) She's adorable. (they leave)
Helen: (as soon as the door's closed) What did you take his pen for?
Jerry: What he gave it to me.
Helen: You didn't have to take it.
Morty: Oh my God! She's gotta make a big deal out of everything.
Jerry: He offered it to me.
Helen: Because you made such a big fuss about it.
Jerry: I liked it. Should I have said I didn't like it?
Helen: You shouldn't have said anything. What did you expect him to do? (the camera shows Elaine shaking her head at their dispute)
Jerry: He could have said "Thank you, I like it too" and put it back in his pocket.
Helen: He loves that pen.
Morty: Oh come on!
Helen: He talks about it all the time. Every time he takes it out he goes on and on about how it writes upside down, how the astronauts use it.
Jerry: If he likes it so much, he never should have offered it.
Helen: He didn't think you'd accpet.
Jerry: Well, he was wrong.
Helen: I know his wife. She has some mouth on her. She'll tell everyone in the condo now that you made him give you the pen. They're talking about it right now. (again we see Elaine smiling at their argument)
Jerry: So you want me to return it?
Helen: Yes.
Morty: He's not gonna return the pen. That's ridiculous.
Jerry: Hey I don't even want the pen now!
Morty: Jack can afford to give away a pen with all his money. Believe me. He gives me a check for 19.45. He didn't have a Coke. Ho, ho, ho!
Elaine: Here, let me see it. (She takes a pad to try the pen) Hey, it writes upside down.
[Setting: condo's guest room]
Elaine: Come in.
Jerry: Are you O.K. in here?
Elaine: Why is it so hot in here? How can they sleep like this?
Jerry: It's only for three days. Today's over and we have tommorow. We leave on Sunday. It's one day, really.
Elaine: Oh man. What is with this bar? It's right in my back. It's killing me.
Jerry: Oh you wanna switch? I'm sleeping on a love seat. I've got my feet up in the air like I'm in a space capsule.
Elaine: I am never gonna fall asleep.
Jerry: Oh, no don't say that. You'll jinx me.
Elaine: How can they not put the air conditioning on?
Jerry: They're nuts with temperature.
Elaine: This bar is right in my back! It's making a dent.
Jerry: How about that guy writing a check for 19.45?
Elaine: I'm sweating here. I'm in bed, sweating.
Jerry: It's one day. Half a day, really. I mean you substract showers and meals, it's like twenty minutes. It will go by like that. (snapping his fingers)
[Setting: condo, morning]
Morty: Stay on 95 South to Biscayne Boulevard. Then you make a left turn. Put you blinker on immediatly, there's an abutment there. Then you're gonna merge over very quickly, but stay on Biscayne. Don't get off Biscayne. You understand me?
Jerry: Stay on Biscayne.
Helen: You're going underwater?
Jerry: Yes. Generally that's where scuba diving is done.
Helen: What do you have to go underwater for? What's down there that's so special?
Jerry: What's so special up here?
Elaine: Oh!
Helen: What's the matter?
Elaine: My back.
Helen: What happened?
Elaine: That... That bed. The bar was right in my back.
Helen: (to Jerry) I told you to let us sleep in there.
Jerry: Then YOU would be hunched over.
Elaine: I don't even know if I can go scuba diving.
Jerry: You can't go?
Helen: So stay home.
Elaine: You can go.
Jerry: Without you? That's the whole reason you came down here.
Helen: Don't go.
Jerry: You sure?
Morty: Maybe you should see a doctor.
Jerry: We'll stay in a hotel tonight.
Elaine: (whispering to Jerry) Yes!
Helen: No, we'll stay in there.
Jerry: Why don't you get a new sofa?
Morty: Nobody uses it.
Jerry: I'm buying you a new sofa.
Helen: Oh Jerry, don't talk crazy.
Elaine: Mrs Seinfeld, please. I am begging you. Put the air conditioner on.
Helen: You're hot?
Elaine: I've lost 6 pounds.
Helen: I don't even know how to work it.
Morty: I keep telling her it's like an oven in here.
Evelyn: Is everybody up?
Jerry: Hi. How are you?
Evelyn: Hello Jerry.
Jerry: Evelyn, this is Elaine.
Elaine: (with pain) Hi Evelyn.
Evelyn: Jerry you got thin.
Jerry: Too thin?
Helen: Oh stop worrying so much about how you look.
Evelyn: So where's the new pen? (everybody's surprised by this question)
Jerry: (Jerry scratches his head and acts like he's not sure what she's talking about) What?
Evelyn: The pen. The one Jack Klompus gave you.
Helen: How did you know that?
Evelyn: Blanche told me.
Helen: Blanche?
Evelyn: That's some good pen. It writes upside down.
Elaine: The astronauts use them.
Helen: What did Blanche say?
Evelyn: I don't know. She said Jerry wanted the pen.
Jerry: I never really wanted the pen.
Morty: He gave him the pen.
Helen: Morty.
Evelyn: Why you don't like the pen?
Jerry: No, no, I...
Evelyn: Cause if you don't like it, give it back to him.
Helen: Is that what she said?
Evelyn: Who?
Helen: Blanche.
Evelyn: What are you talking about?
Helen: Hello? Oh hello Gussy. What? Jerry wouldn't do that. Jack gave it to him. All he said was he liked it. I mean nobody put a gun to his head. (to Jerry) You're giving him back that pen. (She continues the discussion with Gussy but we don't hear it.)
Elaine: Somebody please- THE AIR CONDITIONER!
Morty: (Morty gets up) Oh! I forgot all about it.
Jerry: All I said was "I like the pen".
Morty: How the hell do you work this thing?
[Setting: still the condo, later]
Helen: Maybe you shouldn't go tonight.
Elaine: No no, I wanna go.
Helen: But your back hurts.
Morty: Maybe a couple of muscle relaxers would help.
Elaine: Oh, oh, O.K. (Helen holds her sweater tight against herself) You can turn down the air conditioning if you want.
Helen: No. I'm fine.
Elaine: You're not too cold?
Helen: No.
Jerry: Don't be alarmed.
Morty: Oh my God! What the hell happened to you?
Jerry: I'm O.K. My capillaries burst.
Helen: Your capillaries? Do you know what you look like?
Jerry: (to Elaine on the floor) How are you doing?
Elaine: Having a good time!
Jerry: Is it my imagination or is it freezing in here?
Helen: What happened to your eyes?
Jerry: Well I started to go under...
Helen: With the instructor?
Jerry: Yeah, and I got about ten feet down and I felt this tremendous pressure on my mask. Like my eyeballs were being sucked out of their sockets.
Helen: I told you...
Jack: Excuse me. (to Helen) Doris would like to borrow red your pocketbook to go with her shoes. (to Elaine on the floor) The shoes have to match the pocketbook. (to the others) What's she doing? Yoga?
Elaine: My back hurts.
Jack: Morty you gotta hurry up. Get ready.
Morty: We got plenty of time.
Jack: (to Jerry) What happened to you?
Jerry: I got in a fist fight with one of the ladies at the pool.
Helen: It's from scuba diving.
Jack: What's there to see underwater?
(Helen Turns To Jerry And Makes A Face Like: give him back the pen)
Jerry: Listen M. Klompus, it was really a nice gesture of you to give me the pen, but I don't really need it.
Jack: You what?
Jerry: I mean it's a terrific pen, but I think you should keep it. (he hands the pen to Jack)
Jack: Well I mean...
Jerry: Take it.
Jack: All right! (he smiles and take it)
Morty: You know Jack, you've got a hell of a nerve taking that kid's pen.
Jack: Whose pen?
Morty: His pen.
Jack: This happens to be my pen.
Morty: You didn't give it to him.
Jack: What are you talking about? He pratically begged me for it.
Morty: Where do you come off with this crap?
Jack: Listen, do you think I take everything everybody offers me? You offered me sponge cake yesterday. Did I take it?
Morty: You said you didn't want it!
Jack: Of course I wanted it! I love sponge cake!
Morty: Then who the hell said you couldn't have any? I mean what the hell do I care whether you have sponge cake?
Jack: Because I saw the look on your face last week when I took the scotch tape!
Morty: Ahh! Ahh! So YOU got the scotch tape! I've been looking all over for it!
Jack: Don't worry about it! I'll give it back!
Morty: I don't want it!
Jack: I don't want it!
Morty: You know Jack, do me a favor will you? Take the pen and the scotch tape, and get the hell out of here!
Jack: Listen do you think I give a damn?
Morty: Aah! (Jack leaves) The nerve of that guy! Taking back that pen. Well that's it for them.
Jerry: What is going on in this community! Are you people aware of what's happening? What is driving you to this behavior? Is it the humudity? Is it the Muzak? Is it the white shoes?
Helen: I have no use for either one of them. I don't even want them there tonight. (she still has the pocketbook in her hands)
Jerry: Isn't he supposed to be the emcee?
Morty: yeah, he's supposed to be the emcee.
Jerry: Well. This should be a very interesting evening.
Elaine: (still on the floor) Uh... What about those muscle relaxers?
[Setting: reception room, evening]
Photographer: Say astronaut.
Elaine: Say what? (laughing) Say what?
Jerry: (Jerry brings her back) You took too many of those pills.
Morty: Astronaut?
Helen: Say it.
Jerry, Morty And Helen: Astronaut!
Elaine: (still laughing, she says it just as the picture is taking) Astro...naut!
Morty: Good. O.K. (the photographer walks away) What about last year when I took him to the hospital every day? Did he ever say thank you?
Jerry: Oh God. (foreseeing an arm's grabbing as he sees Uncle Leo entering with his wife Stella)
Jerry: (to Leo) Uncle Leo.
Leo: Hello!
Stella: Morty are you nervous?
Morty: What nervous?
Leo: (to Jerry while he's grabbing his arm as usual) What's with the sunglasses? Who are you? Van Johnson?
Jerry: I've got a black eye.
Stella: (to Elaine in a childish voice) Hello.
Jerry: Oh uh, Elaine, this is my aunt Stella.
Helen: (shouting as she imitates Marlon Brando) STELLA! STELLA!
Jerry: (to Stella) Her back hurts.
Stella: Humm... We saw you on "The Tonight Show" last week.
Leo: I thought Johnny was very rude to you. He didn't even let you talk.
Jerry: No, no.
Leo: You need some new material. I've heard you do that dog routine three times already.
Elaine: (still with her imitation, shouting even louder) STELLA! STELLA!
Leo: Listen, you should get your cousin Jeffrey to write some material for you.
Morty: What are you talking? Jeffrey works for the parks department!
Leo: You should read the letters he's written. He's funnier than the whole bunch of you! (Jack enters with Doris) Oh, here's Jack. We should sit down.
Stella: (to Helen on a sarcastic tone of voice) This better be good. I'm missing "Golden Girls" for this.
Helen: (laughing hypocritically till Stella walks away) I hate her like poison.
(A Few Minutes Later, The Ceremony Is About To Begin. Someone In The Crowd Yells: "Hey Jack let's get started!" Everyone applause and we see, from left to right, all sitting on the same side of a long table, facing the public Stella, Leo, Elaine, Jerry, Helen, Morty, Jack at the microphone, Doris, and four other people.)
Jack: (on the microphone) Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, every year, Phase Two of the Pines of Mark Gables honors the previous year president. And this year we are honoring Morty Seinfeld (the crowd applause and someone yells Morty!) A man who slept more hours on the job than Ronald Reagan.
Morty: (to Helen) Slept on the job? (she shushed him)
Jack: Being president of the condo is not easy. It requires hard work, dedication, and commitment, and unfortunately he possesses none of these qualities. (everyone laugh except Jerry, Helen, and Morty. Even Elaine who's still druggy)
Helen: (Morty complains again to Helen) He's joking.
Jack: His administration did excel in one department the hiring of incompetents.
Morty: (to Jack, loud) That's what you say.
Jack: But we do owe him a debt of gratitude because by not fixing the crack in the sidewalk, he put Mrs Ziven out of commission for a few weeks. (Morty is now the only one not laughing)
Morty: (loud) Tell them when you took my son's pen back. Tell them about that! (he gets up)
Jerry: Dad!
Morty: (to the crowd) He gave my son a pen, and then he takes it back. Tell them about that!
Jack: He gave it to me!
Morty: Come on. That's enough, sit down!
Jack: I'm not sitting down!
Jack: Ow! You broke my dental plate! (Jack is touching his dental plate while Morty reaches in Jack's pocket to get the pen) Doris! He broke my dental plate. You son-of-a-bitch! I'm gonna sue you. (he leaves the table and Morty follows him and continue arguing with him. Jerry now have the microphone in his hands and the crowd begins to think the ceremony is over.)
Helen: Jerry, do your act.
Jerry: (in the microphone, but to Helen) I can't. Nobody's even listening.
Helen: They're all gonna leave.
Jerry: (to himself) Oh God! (in the microphone) huh... Hey! How you folks doing tonight? (everybody in the crowd is talking over Jerry)
Man In The Crowd: Who are you?
Jerry: (still with his sunglasses) Have you ever noticed how they always give you the peanuts on the planes?
Woman In The Crowd: (to heckle Jerry) Not my Harry. He flies first class.
Jerry: Who ever thought the first thing somebody wants on a plane is a peanut?
Man In The Crowd: I'd rather have a bottle of scotch!
Helen: (to Jerry) Do the dog routine.
Jerry: All I said was I liked the pen!
Elaine: (wakes up and yells very loud) STELLA!
[Setting: condo, morning]
Chiropractor: You could aggravate it. I wouldn't go anywhere for at least five days.
Elaine: Five days? You want me to stay here for five more days?
Jerry: There must be some mistake.
Chiropractor: I'm afraid not.
Elaine: (discouraged) Five days. Here.
Helen: (to Jerry, happily) So we have you for five more days!
Jerry: (to Elaine) Well there's really no point in me staying. I mean you just gonna be...
Elaine: Excuse me?
Jerry: Nothing.
Evelyn: Good morning.
Jerry: Hi Evelyn.
Evelyn: (to Helen) Has Morty decided on a lawyer yet?
Helen: I don't think so.
Evelyn: Because my nephew Larry could do it. He's a brilliant lawyer. He says Jack has no case.
Helen: Well I'll ask him when he gets up.
Evelyn: Oh, and I spoke to Arnold. And he says that according to the bylaws of the condo constitution, they need six votes to throw you out for unruly behavior. Not five. Doctor Chernov is the one you'll have to suck up to.
Morty: Aw! Aw! Oh my back! Oh my back! It's that bar. Who the hell could sleep on that thing?
Helen: I was very comfortable.
Evelyn: Morty, Arnold says they need six votes to throw you out.
Helen: It's in the constitution.
Morty: (to the chiro) Who are you?
Chiropractor: I'm a chiropractor.
Morty: What are you kidding me?
Elaine: (to Jerry) Five more days?
Jerry: Well today's almost over. And weekdays always go by fast. Friday we're leaving. It's like two days really. It's like a cup of coffee. It will go by like that. (snapping his fingers)
[Setting: night club, closing monologue]
Jerry: Is Florida not hot and muggy enough for these people? They love heat. I mean if they ever decide to land men on the sun, I think these old retired guys would be the only ones that will be able to handle it. They'll just sit there on the sun, on the redwood benches, washcloth on the head going "Close the door, you're letting all the heat off the sun. I'm trying to get a sweat going."