George: ...pianist. A *classical* pianist. She *plays* the piano. She's a *brilliant* woman. I-I-I sat in her living room... She played the *Waldstein Sonata*! The *Waldstein*!
George: We did a crossword puzzle together, *in bed*. It was the most fun I ever had in my entire life. Did you hear me? in my *life*! Y'know?
Jerry: Were you talking? I couldn't hear anything.
George: I was telling you about Noel.
Jerry: Oh, Noel! Yeah, the one who plays bongos...
George: [sarcastically] Heh heh heh... So side-splittingly funny...
Jerry: All right, I'm sorry. What about her?
George: What, you think I'm going to repeat the whole thing now?
Jerry: I know, you told me you like her, everything is going good.
George: No everything is *not* going good. I'm very uncomfortable. I have no power. I mean, why should she have the upper hand. *Once* in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand- no hand at all. She has the hand; I have *no* hand...
George: How do I get the hand?
Jerry: We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get. You gotta get the hand right from the opening.
George: She's playing a recital this week at the McBierney School. You wanna hear her play? I got two extra tickets, you and Elaine could go...
Jerry: Yeah, that sounds like somethin'...
George: Then afterwards maybe we could all go out together. Y'know she'll see me with my friends, she'll observe me as I really am, as myself. Maybe I can get some hand that way.
Kramer: Hey, smell my arm... Smell it!
George: With all due respect, I don't think so...
Jerry: That smells good, what is that?
Kramer: The *beach*!
Jerry: The *beach*?
George: What, did you go swimmin'? It's 29 degrees out!
Kramer: I just joined the Polar Bear Club.
Jerry: You joined the *Polar Bears*?!
George: What the Hell is a "Polar Bear"?
Kramer: Well, it's these people- they go swimmin' in the winter. They're terrific, I just took my first swim today. Brrrrrrr! It's invigorating...
Jerry: Yeah... So's shock therapy.
Jerry: [with glee] What is that, a Pez dispenser?!
Kramer: Want one? Yeah, I just bought it at the Flea Market.
George: Hey, what goes on there, exactly?
Jerry: You don't know?
George: No, I-I-I know... [retreats back to his Chinese take out] I know...
Jerry: You think they have fleas there, don't you?
George: *No*...
Jerry: Yes you do, Biff. You've never been to a Flea Market, and you think they have fleas there.
George: All right, I think they have fleas there. So what...
Elaine: I don't know how anyone does this. It must be *so* nerve racking... How do they warm up their fingers?
Jerry: They have a piano backstage they warm up on.
Elaine: *No*, we would have heard it.
Jerry: What, do you think they just crack their knuckles and come out?
George: I told her we'd all go out afterwards, okay? And don't applaud when she stops playing the first time. It's not over yet.
Jerry: [quickly whispering] I resent that you said that! That's directed at *me*, isn't it?!
Jerry: Is this okay? Can I do this? (he claps)
Steve: Something I said? [no response] It's John... Mollika.
Elaine: Oh, oh, *John*... Oh, hi John... Hi...
Steve: What're you doing down here?
Elaine: Oh, I was just at this recital and Jerry put a Pez dispenser on my leg and I started laughing.
Mollika: Jerry's in there? I heard you guys broke up.
Elaine: We did. We're just hanging out.
Mollika: REally. ... You really look great.
Elaine: Oh, uh, thank you. Are you still friends with Richie Appel?
Mollika: Oh, Richie, he's been doing comedy in L. A. for a few years. He just got back a month ago. He's kind of messed up. On drugs. I don't know what to do for the guy.
Elaine: Have you thought about an intervention?
Mollika: What's that?
Elaine: You get all his friends in a room, They confront himm to try to get him into rehab. It's a very popular thing now.
Mollika: He'd never listen to anyone. ... Except of course Jerry. He'd listen to Jerry. Jerry would have to be involved. He really respects Jerry.
Elainelaine: I'm sorry. George, I'm sorry!
George: What did you put the Pez dispenser on her leg for in the first place?
Jerry: I dunno, it was an impulse.
George: What kind of a sick impulse does that??
Jerry: How could I know she would start to laugh?
Elaine: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I *am*!
Jerry: Can we just go in already?
George: What are we gonna tell her?
Elaine: I'll tell her I was the one who laughed.
George: No, don't say a word. If she thinks my friends are jerks, then I'm a *jerk*...
Elaine: [To Jerry] Oh, remind me to talk to you about something later.
Jerry: What about?
George: Hey, hey! We're discussing something!
Jerry: I know, but I'm distracted now.
George: What are you? A *baby*!? All right. Tell her.
Elaine: When I was outside I ran into John Mollika.
Jerry: Really John Mollika, they guy that used to bartend at the Comedy Club. How's he doing?
Elaine: He's good.
George: Uh, can we cut to the chase?
Jerry: "Cut to the chase"?
George: Yeah...
Jerry: What're you, "Joe Hollywood"?
George: A lot of people say it.
Jerry: I would lose that.
George: [Accusingly] What's *that*?
Jerry: "Lose that"? That's not a Hollywood expression!
George: [Realizing full well it isn't] ...Yes it is.
Elaine: Anyway ... So John told me that Richie is in town from Los Angeles and he's really messed up on drugs. So I told him that he should do an intervention.
Jerry: Really, an intervention ...
George: Y'know people, we got a situation over here!
Elaine: Yeah, but he want's you to be a part of it.
Jerry: Me? Why me?
Elaine: 'Cause Richie really respects you and he would listen to you.
Jerry: Y'know these things are *really* hard to load...
George: All right, OK, I'm goin' in.
Jerry: We've got to talk about this (to Elaine)
Elaine: All right.
George: Hi, hi, hi, You were wonderful.
Noel: No..
George: Oh, these are my friends, Elaine and Jerry, ... Noel
Jerry: You play a *Hell* of a piano.
Elaine: Yeah, I was really moved, *really* moved.
Noel: Well didn't you hear that person laughing? I couldn't play. I was *humiliated...
Elaine: Well, I'm sure it wasn't *at* you.
Noel: Well then, what was she laughing at?
Jerry: Pez?
Noel: Uh, no, No thank you. Did you see her?
George: Me, uh, uh, no, ...
Jerry: Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean only a sick twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.
Elaine: Maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg.
Jerry: Even if this so called mental defective did put something on her leg she's still the one who laughed.
Noel: I'll never forget that laugh for the rest of my life. [exits]
Elaine: I'm sure she would apologize if she could. Probably somebody is holding her back against every fibre in her being.
George: If she want's to continue to have a fibre of her being she'll be very careful (hitting each other)
George: All right, so are you ready, so we'll go out and get something to eat.
Noel: I don't feel like it tonight.
Jerry: We'll be outside
Elaine: Yeah
Jerry: It was nice meeting you By the way, How do you warm up your fingers before you play?
Noel: I just crack my knuckles.
George: We'll have a good time
Noel: I don't feel like it
George: Ah, come on
Noel: I said I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!
George: Um, all right, um, uh, I'll call 'ya. I'll call you and we'll talk on the phone. A telephone communiqu. Every thing is fine ok, uh, fine, .. [exits]
Jerry: You know I thing Kramer might have been responsible for getting Richie involved with drugs in the first place.
Elaine: What? How?
Jerry: A few years ago the comedy club had a softball team. Kramer was our first baseman You couldn't get anything by him It was unbelievable. Anyway this one game we came back to win from like 8 runs behind. So Kramer says to Richie why don't you dump the bucket of Gatorade on Marty Benson's head? The club owner. So Richie goes ahead and does it.
Elaine: So? What happened?
Jerry: What happened? The guy was like 67 years old, it was freezing out, he caught a cold, got pneumonia, and a month later he was dead.
Elaine: Shut up!
Jerry: All the comedians were happy. He was one of these club owners nobodu liked anyway. But Richie was never the same.
Elaine: Whar about Kramer?
Jerry: He's the same!
Jerry: Are you sure you want me John. I have spoken to Richie in two years. I don't have a good apartment for an intervention. The furniture, it's very non-confrontational. All right All right. Goodbye. [to Kramer] Remember Ricie Appel?
Kramer: (looks shocked) Oh sure, the guy I told to pour the Gatorade that killed Marty Benson?
Jerry: Right, we'll John Mollika is organizing some kind of intervention for him. We're having it here.
Kramer: Can I get in on that?
Jerry: What do you think? It's like a poker game?
Kramer: Is Elaine going?
Jerry: Yeah
Kramer: Well, I knew him as well as she did.
Jerry: Yeah, but John invited her.
Kramer: So what are you saying, you don't want me to intervene?
Jerry: No, intervene, go intervene all you want. I am just afraid you might be interfering while we're intervening.
George: It's George
Jerry: Stop smelling your arm.
Kramer: You know I got a great idea for a cologne. The Beach. You spray it on and you smell like you just came home from the beach
Jerry: Hum, a cologne that smells like the beach. I can't believe I'm saying this, "That's not a bad idea."
Kramer: Tell me about it!
Jerry: Why don't you call Steve D'Jiff, he works in the marketing department at Calvin Klein. In fact he's a good friend of John Mollika and Richie also.
George: Well it's over. It's definitely over.
Jerry: She broke up with you?
George: No, but I can tell she's going to. I can sense it. We had this terrible phone conversation. I was so nervous before I called I made up this whole list of things to talk about.
Jerry: What was on the list?
George: Let's see, How I'm very good at going in reverse in my car, why isn't Postum a more popular drink,
Jerry: Yeah, Postum is under-ratted,
George: Anyway there was all this tension. I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner and she said "no, maybe we could get together for lunch." You know what that means.
Jerry: What's wrong with lunch?
George: Lunch is fine at the beginning then you move on to dinner. you don't move back to lunch. It's like being demoted. I'll never do another crossword puzzle with her again. I know it.
Kramer: I like the Jumble You ever do the Jumble?
George: I have no power Do you understand? I need hand. I have no hand.
Kramer: Break up with her
George: What?
Kramer: You break up with her. You reverse everything that way.
Jerry: A preemptive breakup.
George: A preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose. We either break up which she would do anyway but at least I go out with some Dignity. Completely turn the tables. It's absolutely brilliant.
George: So, I am have to going to break up with you.
Noel: You're breaking up with me?
George: I, ... am breaking up with, ... you.
Noel: Wow.
George: Shocked?
Noel: I really am.
George: Never expected this did you?
Noel: I thought everything was fine.
George: Well, live and learn.
Noel: I don't understand. You're breaking up with me. Didn't we have fun doing the crossword puzzles?
George: Kind of.
Noel: I'm very confused.
George: Well, I didn't mean to hurt you kid.
Noel: I thought,...
George: Now, stop it ...
Noel: What do you want, I can make you happy.
George: When you're playing the piano do you think about me?
Noel: I don't know.
George: This is what I'm talking about.
Noel: OK, I'll think about you.
George: All the time.
Noel: All the time? ... OK, All the time.
George: I can't hear you.
Noel: All the time. ALL THE TIME.
George: See, It's not so hard.
Kramer: Go ahead smell, smell
Steve: Yeah, so?
Kramer: Do you recognize it? ... The beach.
Steve: What are you talking about?
Kramer: Oh, I'm talking about the beach.
Steve: What about it?
Kramer: You know the way you smell when you first come home from the beach? Well, I want to make a cologne that captures the essence of that smell. Oh yeah.
Steve: That is the dumbest idea I have ever heard.
Kramer: Oh, wait, Did you here what I just said?
Steve: Do you think people are going to pay $80 a bottle to smell like dead fish and sea weed? That's why people take showers when the come home from the beach. It's an objectionable offensive odour.
Kramer: So you don't think it's a good idea?
[The Intervention [Note: DOUBLE CHECK THIS PART FOR SURE!!!!]
Guy: The membranes get dried and it just starts bleeding. Since I was a kid so I have to stick tissue up there
Elaine: (very uninterested) Uh, you have to work like that?
Guy: Nobody minds Nobody has ever said anything to me.
Other Guy: Are there any ice cubes?
Jerry: In the freezer.
Other Guy: I looked. There aren't any ice cubes.
Jerry: Well I guess there aren't any ice cubes.
Other Guy: I can't drink this. It's warm! (walks away)
Guy: Shouldn't we rehearse this a little bit before Richie comes?
Steve: What's the plan?
Jerry: Do I have to talk? I don't feel like talking.
Other Guy: Well, if he's not going to talk I'm not going to talk either.
Guy: No, we all have to talk.
Elaine: What's the order?
Guy: We'll go in alphabetical order. First Roberta.
Roberta: Why am I first?
Elaine: Albano is your last name.
Roberta: That's not my name any more. I'm divorced.
Steve: I'll go first.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Is this the interference?
Jerry: Intervention.
Other Guy: What are you doing here?
Kramer: Uh, is it all right if I stay for the intervention?
Steve: Hey, this is for close friends only.
Kramer: I'm a friend. Who do you think told him to pour the Gatorade over Marty Benson's head?
Other Guy: Let him stay.
Kramer: Hey, you know I got someone to make up that cologne for me, big mouth.
Steve: Somebody's going to make that crap?
Old Guy: Kramer!
Kramer: Hey, come on, these are some of my polar bear buddies.
Other Guy: They can't stay.
Old Guy: We're having a party here?
Jerry: No, we're having an intervention
Old Guy: An intervention? Who's intervening?
Jerry: There's a friend of ours on drugs and we're going to confront him.
Old Guy: Sure, we used to do that when one of our polar bears stopped coming. We would go to his house and say, "What you don't want to be a polar bear anymore? It's too cold for you?"
Guy: It's him.
Roberta: What should we do?
Elaine: Hide!
Jerry: It's NOT a surprise party! Yeah (to intercom)
George: It's George
Jerry: Yeah, come on up. ... It's not him.
Guy: If you don't go out with me it's because I'm a bar tender.
Elaine: Look, I don't think this is appropriate right now.
Guy: Is it because I have a tissue in my nose?
Elaine: You're getting warm.
George: We just came from Chadway's(?) What's going on.
Jerry: We're having the intervention for Richie.
George: Oh, right, right, the intervention. Should we leave?
Jerry: Well, uh..
Noel: (happily) Elaine, hi.
Elaine: Oh, hi Noel
Jerry: Well, you're looking well.
George: Jerry, let me tell you something, "A man without hand is not a man." I got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves. I got to thank Kramer.
Steve: Even if I were dragged through manure I still wouldn't put that stuff on.
George: (to Kramer) This man is a genius. Genius!
Steve: You think so?
George: I don't think so I know so, Kramer, come here I got to talk to you
Old Man: The male kangaroo doesn't have a pouch only the female has it. The male has pouch envy.
Elaine: (Chuckles)
Elaine: (laughs)
Noel: That laugh. That's the laugh. That's it. You're the one.
Elaine: No, no. It was an accident. It really wasn't my fault. It was Jerry.
Noel: You put a Pez dispenser on her leg during my recital?.
Jerry: I didn't know she would laugh.
Noel: You lied to me George, you lied to me.
George: No, I, uh, um, wa, wa, What did I do? ... Where are you going?
Noel: I ... am breaking up ... with you!
George: You can't break up with me. I've got hand.
Noel: And you're going to need it.
Jerry: Hey Richie
Richie: So what's going on?
Jerry: It was pretty ugly from the get go. he's not listening, He's hostile, he's talking back.
George: I can't do these puzzles.
Jerry: So he starts to get up He spots the Pez dispenser on the coffee table
George: Ah ah Pez dispenser.
Jerry: He picks it up - he stares at it - It's like he's hypnotized by it. Then he's telling us this story about how when he was a kid he was in the car with his father, and his father was trying to load one of them
George: Well they're hard to load.
Jerry: Tell me something I don't know. So as the father's trying to load it he loses control of the car and it crashes into a high school cafeteria. Nobody's hurt but Pez is all over the car. And the dispenser was destroyed virtually beyond recognition.
George: Poor kid.
Jerry: So as he's telling the story he starts crying.
George: What did you do?
Jerry: What do you think? I gave him my Pez dispenser.
George: Wow
Jerry: Two hours later he checks into Smither's clinic. I talked to the doctor yesterday. He's doing great on the rehab. He's hooked on Pez. He's eating them like there's no tomorrow.
George: What's a three letter word for candy?
Jerry: I can't do those things.


Jerry: Let me ask you a question. If you named a kid Rasputin do you think that would have a negative effect on his life?
Elaine: Na.
Jerry: What are you doing? Were going out for dinner in ten minutes.
Elaine: Do you realize this is the last meal I am going to have for three days?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Its George.
Jerry: Come on up. . . . I never heard of this. You've got to fast for three days to take an ulcer test. How you gonna do that?
Elaine: I dont know. How could I possibly have ulcers? Who could have given me ulcers?
Jerry: I think Ill take out the garbage.
Elaine: Hey, have you ever fasted?
Jerry: Well, once I didnt have dinner until, like 900 oclock, that was pretty rough. (exits to hall with garbage meets George) Hey, do me a favour will ya? Throw out my garbage for me.
George: Yeah, right.
Jerry: Come on, its just down the hall.
George: Give me two bucks. Ill do it for two bucks.
Jerry: Ill give you 50 cents.
George: Theres no way I touch that bag for less than two dollars.
Jerry: Come on. Fifty cents. (??) a piece of Drakes coffee cake
George: You're not getting no Drakes Coffee Cake for fifty cents. Yae, Hey, Im all set. I got the ticket. Im going to the Cayman Islands this Friday.
Jerry: I dont get you. Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven?
George: Its an incredible deal. I dont know why you dont come with me.
Jerry: Nah, I dont go for these non-refundable deals. I cant commit to a woman. Im not going to commit to an airline.
Gina: Hi.
Jerry: Hi.
Gina: How are you?
Jerry: Gina, do you know what a Drakes Coffee Cake is?
Gina: Of course, the plane cake with the sweet brown crumbs on the top.
Jerry: How much do they cost?
Gina: The junior?
George: No, no the full size.
Jerry: No, no the junior.
George: You didnt say "junior".
Gina: I haven't had one of those since I was a little girl.
Jerry: Really? You should be ashamed of yourself. I want you out of here! (MARTIN enters the hall) How ya doing?
Martin: Good enough.
Jerry: Boy shes sexy isn't she?
Jerry: Do you believe that guy?
Elaine: What guy?
Jerry: My neighbour
Elaine: Oh, that creepy guy?
Jerry: Yeah, did he think I was flirting with her?
George: He didnt seem too pleased.
Elaine: Maybe Ill get a steak with french fried onion wings.
George: hey, you know what? I just remembered something. I had a dream about that guy last night. This is amazing.
Jerry: Whats so amazing? You've seen him before.
George: I haven't seen him for months.
Jerry: What was the dream?
George: I was doing standup comedy in Kennebunkport Maine. ??? night club. The stage was on a cliff and the audience was throwing all the comics off.
Jerry: I think Ive played there.
George: Ive had a lot of other paranormal stuff happen to me.
Jerry: You're a little paranormal
Elaine: Hey, George, you know my friend goes to a psychic.
George: Really?
Elaine: Uh uh, you should go some time.
George: Id love to go. Make an appointment.
Jerry: Psychics, vacations. How about getting a job?
George: I just got fired.
Jerry: Alright, come on, lets get out of here.
Elaine: I wonder what Ghandi ate before his fast.
Jerry: I heard he used to polish off a box of Triscuits.
Elaine: Really?
Jerry: Oh, yeah. Ghandi loved Triscuits.
Jerry: Who is it? Who is it?
Gina: Its Gina.
Jerry: Who?
Gina: Martines girl friend.
Jerry: Martine?
Gina: You next door neighbour.
Jerry: Oh, Martin!
George: Its Martine. I think hes dying. He tried to kill himself with pills.
Jerry: What?
Gina: Come on.
Jerry: In my pajamas? I better get my robe.
Gina: We dont have enough time.
Jerry: Itll take two seconds.
Gina: There is no time.
Jerry: We dont have two seconds?
Gina: All right. Go ahead.
Jerry: Nah, forget it.
Gina: No, go ahead.
Jerry: Nah. Ill just wear the pajamas.
Gina: Will you just get it.
Jerry: Are you sure?
Gina: Forget it. Come on.
Jerry: Nah, Ill go get the robe.
Jerry: That's not too bad. Its not like a Sunny von Bulow comma. The doctor said he should snap out of it anytime.
Gina: You know why he did this? Because I told him it was over. I did not want to see him anymore.
Jerry: Really? Its over?
Gina: I could not stand it another minute. Yesterday he turned over a mans hot dog stand because he thought the man was looking at me. And then after he saw you in the hall. Ach, he was crazy with jealousy.
Jerry: Oh boy, did he say anything about me?
Gina: He does not like you. And all indications are he does not like Drakes Coffee Cake.
Jerry: He said that?
Gina: He was screaming about it all night. How its too sweet and it falls apart when you eat it.
Jerry: Im sorry if I caused any trouble. I was just being friendly.
Gina: I wasnt.
Jerry: You werent?
Gina: No, I have thought about you many times. Have you thought about me?
Jerry: Of course.
Gina: Tell me everything.
Jerry: Are you sure he cant hear anything? . . .MARTIN, MARTIN.
Gina: I wish he was not in a coma. I wish he was dead. I wish I could pull the plug out from him.
Jerry: I, would, I would wait on that. I know how you feel but. Juries today, you never know how they're going to look at a thing like this.
Gina: I saw you looking at your watch. You want to leave? Go ahead.
Jerry: No, I just wanted to see what time it was.
Gina: Are you afraid of him?
Jerry: No.
Gina: Then kiss me.
Jerry: Here?
Gina: Yes, right here.
Jerry: Is this the proper venue?
Gina: You dont want to?
Jerry: No, no, I want to. I, I very much want to. I, I desire to. I, I pine to.
Gina: Then kiss me right in front of him.
Jerry: I cant. What if he wakes up?
Gina: A man is lying here unconscious and you're afraid of him? What kind of a man are you?
Jerry: A man who respects a good comma. If it was one of those in and out comas, maybe. But when a guys got a coma going like this you dont want to mess with it.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Did you hear about Martin?
Jerry: Yeah, I heard.
Kramer: I cant believe hes in a coma.
Kramer: Hes got my vacuum cleaner. You know I loaned it to him. He never returned it. The carpets are filthy. What am I going to do?
Jerry: Who told you about Martin?
Kramer: Newman! Hes good friends with him.
Jerr: Oh, big mouth Newman. I should have guessed.
Kramer: Hes got all of my attachments, you know.
Jerry: Hey, let me ask you something. How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you can ask his ex-girlfriend out?
Kramer: What, Gina? Why wait? Why not just call Doctor Kavorkian?
Jerry: You know I dont get that whole suicide machine. Theres no tall buildings where these people live? They cant wrap their lips around a revolver like a normal person?
Kramer: So whats going on between you and Gina?
Jerry: Well, I went with her to the hospital last night.
Kramer: Uh, uh.
Jerry: So were in the room and shes trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him.
Kramer: Uh, uh, you see that's the great thing about Mediterranean women. All right, so what did you do?
Jerry: Nothing.
Kramer: Ah, what kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you dont have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?
Jerry: I didnt know what the coma etiquette was.
Kramer: There is no coma etiquette. You see that's the beauty of the coma, man. It doesnt matter what you do around it.
Jerry: So you're saying, his girl, his car, his clothes, its all up for grabs. You can just loot the coma victim.
Kramer: Id give him 24 hours to get out of it. They cant get out of it in 24 hours, its a land rush.
Jerry: So if the coma victim wakes up in a month, hes thrilled, he got out of the coma. He goes home, theres nothing left?
Kramer: NOTHING LEFT! That's why Im trying to get that vacuum cleaner. Because somebodys going to grab it.
Rula: Martins spirit came to you as a warning.
Elaine: Why would he come to George?
Rula: Because George has heightened extra sensory perception. FAYGY GET YOUR FINGER OUT OF YOUR NOSE.
George: I knew it. I always felt different.
Rula: You are. Some coffee cake?
George: Drakes?
Rula: Yes.
George: Did you buy this for me?
Rula: No, why?
George: Ha, because I love Drakes Coffee Cake.
Rula: Maybe I did.
Elaine: Take it away.
George: She hasnt eaten in two days.
Rula: Who'sPauline?
George: Pauline? . . . Wait a minute. I got it. My brother once impregnated a woman named Pauline.
Rula: Do you think about her?
George: When I hear her name mentioned.
Rula: Cut these with your left hand.
George: There was a woman, Audrey. She had a very big nose.
Rula: I see an Audrey, but with a small nose.
George: Yes, yes, she had a nose job. I loved her very deeply. Will she ever speak to me again?
Rula: Not in this life.
Elaine: Should you be smoking?
Rula: Does it bother you?
Elaine: You're pregnant.
George: Elaine.
Rula: I smoked when I had Faisy.
Rula: Ah oh.
George: Ah oh? What? What Ah oh?
Rula: I dont know about this trip George.
George: You can see the Cayman Islands in there? Is something going to happen to me? What?
Elaine: Its really bad for the fetus. Do you know that.
George: Elaine, shes a psychic. She knows how the kids going to be.
George: Should I not go on this trip?
Rula: George, I am going to tell you something and I want you to really hear me.
Elaine: Now listen. I just dont know how a person, with everything we now know about pre-natal care can put a cigarette in her mouth.
George: Elaine, what are you doing?
Elaine: Its disgusting.
Rula: I DONT BELIVE IT. I would like you both to leave.
Elaine: Oh fine, I dont like to be around people who are just so irresponsible.
Rula: Get the hell out.
George: A plane crash? A Heart attack? Lupus? Is it Lupus?
Rula: Do you want me to call the super? He was an Israeli commando.
George: If you dont say anything I will assume its a plane crash.
Rula: Get out.
George: Not a plane crash. (leaving) Is it a plane crash?
Gina: I do not like your toothbrush. There are no bristles.
Jerry: You can say what you want about me but Ill be damned if Im going to stand here while you insult my toothbrush.
Gina: It is too small for someone with such a big mouth (kisses Kerry). Let me ask you. What will you do if Martine wakes up? Run away like a mouse?
Jerry: No, more like the Three Stooges at the end of every movie.
Gina: Who are these Stooges you speak of?
Jerry: They're a comedy team.
Gina: Tell me about them. Everything.
Jerry: Well, they're three kind of funny looking guys and they hit each other a lot.
Gina: You will show me The Stooges?
Jerry: I will show you The Stooges.
Gina: When?
Jerry: Well, I dont really know where The Stooges are right now but if I locate them you will be the first to know.
Gina: Come, you walk me to a cab.
Jerry: Well, uh, I uh, I dont want you to get upset or anything but uh, with Martin and all, well maybe its not such a good idea for us to be seen together in the building, because, you know, he had a lot of friends here.
Gina: You're still afraid. You are not a man.
Jerry: Well then what are all those ties and sport jackets doing in my closet?
Gina: Are you going to walk me to a cab or not?
Jerry: Yeah, all right. All right.
Kramer: You should just eat fruit.
Newman: I cant eat fruit. It makes me incontinent.
Kramer: ???
Newman: Hello Gina. Hello Jerry.
Jerry: Hello Newman.
Jerry: Do you think Newman would tell Martin if he wakes up? What kind of sicko would do that? He could kill me.
George: People smoke, Elaine. My mother smoked. It didnt hurt me.
Elaine: (jumps with fear to Jerry) Did you see that wall move?
Jerry: Boy, its a good thing we came.
George: Could there be a native p0roblem in the Caymans? Maybe theres native unrest.
Elaine: Hi, I haven't eaten in three days. I was wondering how much longer it would be until I get my X-ray.
Nurse: Well call you.
Jerry: George, I want you to promise me something. If Im ever in a comma. In the first 24 hours get everything out of my apartment and put it in storage.
George: How come?
Jerry: Looters.
Elaine: How do we know that dog food is any good? Who tastes it?
Jerry: Shes really hungry.
Kramer: Hey.
Elaine: Kramer
Kramer: Well, Newmans upstairs visiting Martin.
George: Would you buy my Cayman Island ticket?
Kramer: You're not going?
George: No.
Kramer: Why not?
George: The psychic said something terrible will happen.
Kramer: I dig.
Kramer: I want my vacuum cleaner! I know you can hear me. Look my mother, shes going to come and visit me. She sees that rug, shes going to kill me.
Newman: He cant hear you, you idiot. Why dont you just buy another one.
Kramer: Why would I buy another one when I spent a hundred bucks on this one?
Newman: I have a carpet sweeper you can use.
Kramer: I dont want a carpet sweeper. They dont do anything.
Newman: It gets my rug clean.
Kramer: The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.
Newman: Well, you should take a look at my rug then.
Kramer: I wouldnt set foot in your house.
Jerry: Hello.
Newman: Hello Jerry.
Jerry: Hows he doing?
Kramer: He looks happy to me.
Newman: I hope he stays this happy when he wakes up.
Jerry: Why wouldnt he?
Newman: No reason.
Jerry: Hell have a lot of catching up to do, I guess.
Newman: Ill bring him up to date.
Jerry: How up to date?
Newman: Oh, all the way up.
Jerry: And nothing could change your mind?
Newman: Well, it would take a hell of a lot. Because a friend is something you earn.
Kramer: Okay, Jerry has a friend who has free tickets to the Cayman Islands for this weekend. Hes not going.
Newman: I dont care much for the beach. I freckle. . . . Is that a,..
Jerry: Drakes Coffee Cake
Newman: Wow, where did you get that?
Jerry: From my house. I got a whole box of them.
Newman: Boy, that's the full size.
Jerry: That's your big boy.
Newman: Can I have a bite?
Jerry: I dont give out bites. I got another one. But Im saving it for later.
Newman: Just one bite?
Jerry: I dont think so. You know they, they're so fragile.
Newman: All right! All right. I wont say anything.
Jerry: You swear?
Newman: I swear.
Jerry: On your mothers life?
Newman: On my mothers life.
Kramer: oh oh oh oh oh
Newman: Oooh,
Elaine: And there it was, mountains of duck. And not fatty duck either, but juicy tender breasts of duck.
George: sweetheart, no come here, sweetheart
Rula: pew, pew, pew, pew (breathing)
George: how did I know you were here? Something drew me here. This is phenomenal.
Rula: The nurse said she would be right back. They're supposed to take me into the delivery room.
George: Oh, that's great. That's great. By the way I have to apologize for my friend the other day. Friend? Uh, uh I dont even know that woman. I met her on the bus on the way over. I couldn't get rid of her. Uh, My psychic instincts were a little off ..
Rula: Oh, wheres the nurse
George: I dont know where the nurse is. Sweetheart why dont you get a nurse for mommy? Anyway I was just curious. Remember the other day you were saying something about my trip.
Rula: Dont take that trip.
George: Yeah, why? Why?
Rula: (screams) EEEY, beegit, beegit beegit.
Dx: All right, Rula, its time to go.
George: Because? Because?
Elaine: Assassins! How dare they keep a person waiting like this! Drakes Coffee Cake? Give me that.
Newman: Jerry, you better stop her or Ill tell.
Jerry: Elaine! No! No!
Martin: Ooooh, ahhhh,
George: Are there terrorists on the plane? A hotel fire. Is that it? Malaria? Yellow fever? Lupus? Is it Lupus?
Newman: He did it right in this bed, Martin. Right in front of you.
Kramer: I want my vacuum cleaner!
Jerry: Hey!
Newman: It was disgusting.
Jerry: What are you doing? Were going out to dinner in ten minutes.
George: I never assisted in a birth before. Its really quite disgusting.
Jerry: What did she name the kid?
George: You wouldnt believe it. Rasputin.
Kramer: Heey!
George: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
George: when did you get back?
Kramer: A couple of hours ago.
George: So how was it?
Kramer: George, I would like to thank you for the greatest four days I ever spent in my life.
Jerry: osh.
Kramer: They were shooting the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue right in the hotel pool.
Jerry: Woah. (hitting George)
Kramer: Not only that but at the hotel they opened up this area on the beach for nude bathing and all of the Sports Illustrated models went down there.
Jerry: Wow! (hitting George)
Kramer: I was on the next blanket from Elle McPherson
Jerry: Oh! (hitting George)
Kramer: We played Backgammon in the nude.
Jerry: Oh! (hitting George)
Kramer: Shes a sweet kid.
Jerry: Nude backgammon with swimsuit models!
Kramer: Oh, you know what? The second day I was there I stepped on a jellyfish. Now it kind of stung my foot. That's probably what Rula was trying to warn you about.
George: Yeah, you gotta watch for the jellyfish.
Kramer: Yeah.
Kramer: Whats this?
Jerry: Oh, its an invitation to a house warming from Martin and Gina.
Kramer: They moved in together?
Jerry: Yeah, its some place down in the village.
Kramer: Phew.
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: Its Elaine.
Jerry: All right were coming down.
Kramer: Hey, where ya going?
Jerry: Were taking Elaine to dinner. Shes got to start the fast again. Um, you want to go?
Kramer: Um, Id like to but a bunch of us from the islands, well be getting together.
George: Elle McPherson going to be there?
Kramer: OH! I got to call her back.


George: Why even try anymore? There's no sense to it. I'm never gonna meet anybody, I should just accept it.
Jerry: Oh, yes you will.
George: No, I won't.
Jerry: Yeah, maybe you won't.
George: I mean it's hard enough to meet a woman you dislike, much less like.
Jerry: Are my nostrils getting bigger?
George: No. Why must it be so difficult? Why is there all this tension and hostility? Why can't I just walk up to a woman on the street and say, "Hi. I'm
Cynthia: There's just no men out there, you know?
Elaine: I know.
Cynthia: I mean the problem is that the good ones know they're good. And they know they're in such demand they're just not interested in confining themselves to one person.
Elaine: I hate the good ones.
Cynthia: Is Jerry one of the good ones?
Elaine: That's a good question, I think he thinks he is.
Cynthia: Well, the mediocre ones are available, but they're so insecure about not being one of the good ones that they're always going, "Well I'm not good enough for you, what are you doing with me?" and eventually I just go, "You're right."
Elaine: You know, maybe you need somebody between good and mediocre.
Cynthia: No, maybe I need somebody who has nothing, somebody who just has to appreciate being with me because he's so desperate.
George: I mean it's gotten to the point where I'm flirting with operators on the phone. I almost made a date with one.
Jerry: Oh, so there's still hope.
George: I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless, you don't care, and when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive.
Jerry: Oh, so hopelessness is the key.
George: It's my only hope.
Cynthia: See, I wouldn't really mind so much, but I feel badly for my mother. I mean, if my mother weren't around, it wouldn't be so bad. But, I'm telling you, if I'm not married by the time I'm forty, I'm gonna have to kill her because it's the only fair thing to do. I just couldn't put her through that.
Elaine: Well, at least you're not bitter.
Cynthia: Who says I'm not bitter?
Elaine: Aren't you too young to be bitter?
Cynthia: No, you can be young and bitter, just maybe not as bitter as I'm gonna be ten years from now, but I'm bitter. Anyway, don't tell anyone.
Elaine: Don't worry, your bitterness is safe with me.
Cynthia: Um, order me a piece of cake. I'm gonna go throw up.
Jerry: Look at my hands. Look. Filthy from the paper. You know, they should give you a Wet-nap when you buy one, like at those rib joints.
Elaine: So what'd you do last night?
Jerry: Went out with George, you?
Elaine: Went out with Cynthia.
Jerry: How was it? What'd you talk about?
Elaine: Well, you know, the usual; The Federal Reserve, the rainforest. Cynthia thought we should nuke the rainforest, you know, get rid of it in one fell swoop so we can at least eliminate it as a subject of conversation. What about you?
Jerry: We brushed on that. Actually, George was in rare form. He just can't find anybody.
Elaine: I know, Cynthia too. She's really given up.
Jerry: George too.
Jerry And Elaine (Together): Yeah, right.
Jerry: I've never fixed anybody up.
Elaine: Uh, me neither and I am not about to start with George.
Jerry: Well why wouldn't you start with George? You think she's too good for George?
Elaine: I didn't say 'too good', did I say 'too good'?
Jerry: Well you implied it.
Elaine: I didn't say it.
Jerry: Because if you think she's too good for George, you are dead wrong. Dead wrong. Who is she?
Elaine: Who is he?
Jerry: He's George!
Elaine: She's Cynthia!
Jerry: So what?
Elaine: What, you don't think she's beautiful?
Jerry: I don't know, what's with the eyebrows?
Elaine: You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.
Jerry: I went out with you.
Elaine: That's because my standards are too low. And by the way, you know, women kill for eyebrows like that. Do you know that? I mean women pluck their real eyebrows out of their head, one by one, until they're bald, Jerry. Bald above the eyes! And then they paint in these eyebrows to look like that.
Jerry: Well let me tell you something about George. He is fast. He can run like the wind. And he's strong. I've seen him lift a hundred pounds over his head without even knowing it. And you wouldn't know it to look at him, but George can bait a hook.
Elaine: He can really do that?
Jerry: Come on, let's do it, I think they'll really get along.
Elaine: What, are you into this?
Jerry: Yeah, come on, it's a good match.
Elaine: No, wait a minute, wait a minute. They're gonna be telling us how their dates went. Are we gonna share that information?
Jerry: Naturally.
Elaine: Well, wait a minute, we're gonna tell each other everything, I mean every secret?
Jerry: Everything.
Elaine: What if it worked out?
Jerry (Dialing): Yeah right.
George: Out of the question. Out of the question!
Jerry: Why?
George: No! I'm not gonna do that! That's one step away from personal ads! And prostitutes! No! No, I am not going down that road! What does she look like?
Jerry: She's good looking.
George: How good looking?
Jerry: Very good looking.
George: Really good looking?
Jerry: Really very good looking.
George: Would you take her out?
Jerry: Yes, I would take her out.
George: Oh, you hesitated.
Jerry: What hesitate? I didn't hesitate!
George: No, something's off here, you hesitated.
Jerry: I'm telling you, she's good looking.
George: What about the body, what kind of body?
Jerry: Good body, nice body.
George: How nice?
Jerry: Nice.
George: Just nice?
Jerry: Pretty nice.
George: Really good?
Jerry: Really very nice and good.
George: What about personality?
Jerry: Good personality. Funny. Bright.
George: Smarter than me? I don't want anyone smarter than me.
Jerry: How could she be smarter than you?
George: Alright, let's see, let's see. What else. What else. Oh yeah, what does she do?
Cynthia: First of all, what does he do?
Elaine: He was in real estate, um, now, he's not working right now-
Cynthia: He's not working?! How come he's not working?
Elaine: Well, um, he, he got fired.
Cynthia: Why did he get fired?
Elaine: Uh. Why? Oh, right. Um, well, he tried to poison his boss.
Cynthia: Excuse me?
Elaine: Such a long story, Cynthia, seriously, I mean he just had some problems at work.
Cynthia: Is he nuts?
Elaine: No, no, no, he's a really really funny guy.
Cynthia: What does he look like?
Elaine: Pardon?
Cynthia: What does he look like?
Elaine: Um, well, he's got a lot of character in his face. Um, he's short. Um, he's stocky.
Cynthia: Fat. Is that what you're saying, that he's fat?
Elaine: Powerful. He is so powerful, he can lift a hundred pounds right up over his head. And um, what else. What else. Oh, right. Um, well, he's kind of, just kind of losing his hair.
Cynthia: He's bald?
Elaine: No! No, no, no, he's not bald. He's balding.
Cynthia: So he will be bald.
Elaine: Yup.
George: What kind of hair?
Jerry: You know, long dark hair.
George: Flowing?
Jerry: Flowing?
George: Is it flowing? I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick lustrous hair is very important to me.
Jerry: 'Thick lustrous hair is very important to me,' is that what you said?
George: Yeah, that's right.
Jerry: Just clarifying.
George: Let me ask you this. If you stick your hand in the hair is it easy to get it out?
Jerry: Do you want to be able to get it out or do you want to not be able to get it out?
George: I'd like to be able to get it out.
Jerry: I think you'll get it out.
George: What about the skin? I need a good cheek, I like a good cheek.
Jerry: She's got a fine cheek.
George: Is there a pinkish hue?
Jerry: A pinkish hue?
George: Yes, a rosy glow.
Jerry: There's a hue. She's got great eyebrows, women kill to have her eyebrows.
George: Who cares about eyebrows? Is she sweet? I like sweet. But not too sweet, you could throw up from that.
Jerry: I don't think you'll throw up. *She* likes to throw up.
Cynthia: Has he ever been married?
Elaine: No.
Cynthia: Has he been close?
Elaine: He once spent a weekend with a woman.
Cynthia: He didn't really try to poison his boss?
Elaine: Yeah, he did.
George: We had an incredible phone conversation. We talked for like twenty minutes. I threw away my notes in the middle of the call. You know, I thought she had a great voice timbre. Is it timbre or tamber?
Jerry: I think it's tamber.
George: Why'd I think it was timbre? Yeah, she could do voiceover commercials, why didn't you tell me about her voice?
Jerry: I didn't notice the voice.
George: It's mellifluous!
Jerry: So, Saturday night.
George: She had to be impressed by that conversation, had to! It was a great performance. I am unbelievable on the phone. On the date they should just have two phones on the table at the restaurant, done.
Elaine: Hi.
George: Hey! Saturday night!
Elaine: I know!
George: So, what did she say?
Elaine: She said you're getting together Saturday night!
George: That's it?
Elaine: Yeah!
George: She didn't mention anything about the conversation?
Elaine: No.
George: Now, you see, I don't get that. We had a relaxed stimulating, great conversation, she doesn't mention it? Why doesn't she mention it?
Elaine: What?
Jerry: She could have mentioned the conversation.
George: Alright, alright, I'll go on the date, but that's that.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: You know my friend, Bob Sacamano?
Jerry: Oh, the guy from Jersey?
Kramer: Yeah. He just got a job at a condom factory in Edison. Look at this, he gave me a gross.
George: What are you gonna do with all of them?
Kramer: Oh, well... Come on, take some, Jerry. Grab 'em.
Jerry: No thanks, they look like they came out of a cereal box.
Kramer: Come on, Elaine, here, take half a bag.
Elaine: Half a bag? What am I, a hooker? Anyway, they look kind of cheap.
George: I'll take one. It's possible.
Jerry: So where are they already, it's a quarter to twelve, they should be back by now, what did they do?
Elaine: I think they went out to dinner.
Jerry: Wait, I got another call. That must be him. [clicks over] Hello?
George: Yeah, it's me, I just got home.
Jerry: Oh, hold on. [clicks back] It's George, he just got home.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, I got Cynthia on the other line.
Jerry: Alright, I'll call you back as soon as I'm done.
Elaine: Remember our pact. Full disclosure.
Jerry: Of course. [clicks back to George] Yeah, go ahead.
George: Alright look, I'm gonna tell you, but I made a pact with Cynthia, we swore we were not going to tell you and Elaine.
Jerry: You can tell me, I'll vault it.
George: It's in the vault?
Jerry: I'm locking the vault. What?
George: We had sex.
Jerry: Oh my god, you had sex, how did that happen?
George: I don't know. I closed my eyes and made a move.
Jerry: At your apartment?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: She didn't stay over?
George: No, she left. Listen, you can't mention any of this to Elaine. Cynthia will kill me, we made a deal.
Elaine: Oh my god.
Cynthia: He was uncomfortable because it was our first time so he felt he would perform better if we did it in the kitchen. He said the kitchen is always the most sociable room in the house. And he was serious.
Elaine: So? How was it?
Cynthia: How good could it be? My head was on a hot plate.
Elaine: Wait, I got another call, that must be Jerry.
Cynthia: Oh wait, don't you tell him any of this.
Elaine: Yeah, ok. [clicks over] Hello?
Jerry: So, what did she have to say?
Elaine: What did he have to say?
Jerry: He said they had a good time.
Elaine: Her too.
Jerry: Oh, good.
Elaine: Anything else?
Jerry: Nope. You?
Elaine: Nope.
Jerry: You sure?
Elaine: Yup. You?
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: Alright. Well uh, guess everything is under control.
Jerry: Yeah. Okay then.
Elaine: Alright. Goodnight.
Jerry: Goodnight.
George: I left three messages. I can't believe this woman. She has sex with me, leaves ten minutes later then I never hear from her again. What kind of a person does this? I mean, she used me. I feel cheap and violated.
Jerry: Well, I'm gonna do something about this.
George: What are you gonna do?
Jerry: Nevermind. Disgraceful. Leaves you sitting there on the kitchen floor like some kind of roach trap. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Sir, whatever. She's not going to get away with this.
George: I keep wracking my brain to try and figure out what I did. I was smart, I was funny, I made great small talk with the waitress so she could see I could relate to the commoners, you know, I'm a man of the people.
Jerry: I'm gonna call her.
George: No, don't call her.
Jerry: No, I'm calling her.
George: No, Jerry, don't call.
Jerry: No, forget it, I'm gonna call.
George: I don't want you to call.
Jerry: Get away from me, I'm gonna call her.
George: Give me the phone!
Jerry: George, do you wanna fight? Do you wanna fight?
George: Jerry, I'm gonna kill you!
Kramer: Hey hey hey!! Come on! Jerry, George, now stop it!
Jerry: I'll just call her when you leave!
George: You can't do that, it's none of your business!
Jerry: It is so my business!
Kramer: Hey hey hey! I don't want to hear another word out of either one of you!
George: But tell him to give me the-
Kramer: Ay ay ay! The next one of you that opens up your mouth, says something, you're gonna have to deal with me. You know, I bet I know what this is about. It's about a woman, isn't it?
George: No.
Jerry: Yeah, but-
Kramer: Yeah yeah! You see, this is exactly what they want to do to you. They play one against the other. You can't let them manipulate you like that.
Jerry: But Kramer-
Kramer: Noh noh noh! I want you guys to shake hands. Come on, there are plenty of women out there for all of us, let's go.
Kramer: Yes. You see? Isn't that better than fighting? Animosity? I mean, you wanna fight with somebody, you fight with me. Oh, by the way George, you know those condoms I gave you? They're defective, don't use them.
George: What?
Kramer: Right.
George: Defective?!
Kramer: Defective.
George: (attacking Kramer) How could you give me a defective condom?!
Kramer: I didn't even know they were defective.
Kramer: Didn't even thin you were gonna use them.
George: What do you mean you didn't think I wasn't gonna use them?!
Jerry: Take it easy, you guys, just spread out! Don't worry about it, if anything was wrong she would have called you already!
Cynthia: I missed my period.
Elaine: Oh my god.
Cynthia: I am very worried, I am never late.
Elaine: But he used a condom, right?
Cynthia: I know, but these things aren't always foolproof.
Elaine: Oh no.
Cynthia: What?
Elaine: Was it blue?
Cynthia: Yeah. How'd you know?
Elaine: Just a hunch.
Jerry: Ow! Ow! Twist off! Twist off! Twist off!
Jerry: Oh, hi. Soda?
Elaine: No thanks.
Jerry: So tell me. What's the problem with your little flaky friend? She doesn't return calls?
Elaine: Who are you to talk about her like that? She'll call him when she's good and ready. You don't even know her.
Jerry: Oh, I know her. I know her type.
Elaine: Her type? What type?
Jerry: The type that doesn't return phone calls. I knew we shouldn't have done this, it was a bad idea in the first place, I told you!
Elaine: You told me? You pushed this whole thing on me, it was your idea!
Jerry: I was just trying to help your bitter, twisted friend.
Elaine: She's not bitter!
Jerry: Well, bitter's a judgement call, but she's twisted!
Elaine: Twisted? God, I did you a favor.
Jerry: I thought you said they had a good time, is there anything else you're keeping from me?
Elaine: Are you calling me a liar?
Jerry: I'm calling you one if you are one, are you a liar?
Elaine: Are you?
Jerry: Get your finger out of my face.
Elaine: You get yours out, I was here first!
Jerry: I don't care.
Elaine: Get it out!
Kramer: Hey hey, alright, hey hey, stop it! Come on, break it up! What's the matter with you? Now don't you two see that you're in love with each other? I mean, why can't you face that already? You're running around out there looking for something that's not even there, when everything that you dream of is right here, right here in front of you. Now why can't you admit that? By the way, when you see George give him these, these'll work.
Elaine: I knew those condoms were defective!
Jerry: How did you know they were defective?!
Elaine: Because! Because she missed her period!
George: She missed her period? Oh my god. I can't believe it! I'm a father! I did it! My boys can swim! I can do it! I can do it!
Cynthia: So he shows up. He's all out of breath. He's disheveled. And he tells me that no matter what happens, whatever I decide is fine with him and that I could depend on him, and that he would be there to support me in whatever way I need. Elaine, I was speechless.
Elaine: Wow. Wow. You see? You think you know somebody.
Cynthia: I said to him, "I really appreciate this, but I just got my period." And so, I asked him to come in, he came in-
Elaine: Hi!
George: Sorry, we're a little late. We got so hung up in traffic.
Elaine: What happened?
Jerry: Acting.
Elaine: Very mature.
Jerry: Thank you. Hi Cynthia.
Cynthia: Hi.
Jerry: Well this is a great place to sit you got here.
Cynthia: Best seat in the house. (Looking at George) right next to the kitchen.
George: (hitting Cynthia playfully with a napkin) Stop it, stop it.
Jerry: So what are these?
Elaine: Oh, we ordered some appetizers. Start eating.
George: (with a mouth full of food) This is good. Oh, this is good.


Kramer: Wide open, I was wide open underneath! I had three inches on that guy. You two were hogging the ball.
George: Me? It wasn't me I never even saw the ball. All you do is dribble.
Jerry: I have to dribble, if I give it to you, you just shoot. You're a chucker.
George: Oh I'm a chucker.
Jerry: That's right, everytime you get the ball you shoot.
George: I can't believe you called me a chucker. No way I'm a chucker, I do not chuck, never chucked, never have chucked, never will chuck, no chuck!
Jerry: You chuck.
Geroge: Kramer am I a chucker?
Kramer: You're a chucker.
George: All these years I've been chuckin' and you've never told me?
Jerry: Well it's not an easy thing to bring up.
Kramer: Hey you know this is the first time we've ever seen each other naked.
Jerry: Believe me I didn't see anything.
Kramer: Oh, you didn't sneak a peak?
Jerry: No, did you?
Kramer: Yeah, I snuck a peak.
Jerry: Why?
Kramer: Why not? hey what about you George?
George: yeah, I ... I snuck a peak. ... But it was so fast I didn't see anything. It was just a blur.
Jerry: I made a conscious effort not to look. There's certain information I just don't want to have.
Kramer: Uh, I gotta go meet Newman. All right. I'll see you later.
Jerry: All right
Kramer: Have a good one.
Jerry: All right
George: See ya.
George: look at this guy. Does he have to stretch in here?
Jerry: You know who that is? That's
George: Keith Hernandez? The baseball player?
Jerry: Yeah, that's him.
George: Are you sure?
Jerry: Positive.
George: Wow, Keith Hernandez. He's such a great player.
Jerry: Yeah, he's a real smart guy too. He's a Civil War buff.
George: I'd love to be a Civil War buff. ... What do you have to do to be a buff
Jerry: So Biff wants to be a buff? ... Well sleeping less than 18 hours a day would be a start.
George: ho ho ho ho. You know I only got two weeks left of unemployment. I got to prove I've been looking for a job to get an extension
Jerry: Hey, should we say something to him?
George: Oh, yeah I'm sure he loves to hear from fans in the locker room.
Jerry: well he could say hello to me. I wouldn't mind.
George: He's Keith Hernandez. You're Jerry Seinfeld.
Jerry: So?
George: What are you comparing yourself to Keith Hernandez. The guys a baseball player Jerry, Baseball!
Jerry: I know what he is. I recognized him. You didn't even notice him.
George: What, ... you are making some wisecracks in a night club... wo wo wo. The guy was in game SIX two runs down two outs facing elimination.
Keith: Excuse me. I don't want to disturb you, I'm Keith Hernandez and I just want to tell you what a big fan I am. I love your comedy.
Jerry: Really?
Keith: I've always wanted to do what you do.
Jerry: What I do? You are one of my favorite ball players of all time
George: Mine too.
Keith: I love that bit about Jimmy Olson
Jerry: Thank you.
George: You know Keith, what I've always wondered, with all these ball clubs flying around all season don't you think there would be a plane crash? ...
Keith: (to Jerry) Do you perform anywhere in new York right now?
Jerry: I'm performing in this club on the east Side. You should come in.
George: But if you think about it...26 teams, 162 games a season, you'd think eventually an entire team would get wiped out.
Keith: You know, I live on the East Side.
Jerry: I'll tell you what, I'll give you my number and uh, just give me a call, tell me whenever you want to go.
Keith: or maybe just to get together for a cup of coffee
Jerry: Oh. that would be great.
George: Uh, it's only a matter of time.
Keith: Who's this chucker?
Jerry: It's been three days and he hasn't called.
Elaine: Well maybe you should call him.
Jerry: I can't ... I can't
Elaine: Why not?
Jerry: I don't know. I just feel he should call me.
Elaine: What's the difference?
Jerry: You don't understand, Elaine. I don't want to be overanxious. If he wants to see me he has my number, he should call.
Elaine: Yech, look at this ashtray. I hate cigarettes.
Jerry: I can't stand these guys. You give your number to them and then they don't call. Why do they do that?
Elaine: I'm sorry honey.
Jerry: I mean, I thought he liked me. I really thought he liked me. we were getting along. He came over to me I didn't go over to him.
Elaine: No,
Jerry: Why did he come over to me if he didn't want to see me?
Elaine: I know.
Jerry: What did he come over to me if he didn't want to see me? I mean here I meet this guy this great guy, a baseball player, best guy I ever met in my life. .. Well that's it. I'm never giving my number out to another guy again.
Elaine: Sometimes I've given my number out to guys and it takes them a month to call.
Jerry: Hu, good, good,... well if he's calling in a month he's got a prayer!
Elaine: You know maybe he's been busy. Maybe he's been out of town?
Jerry: Oh, they don't have phones out of town? Why do(?) people say they're too busy. Too busy. Pick up a phone!! It takes two minutes. How can you be too busy?
Elaine: Why don't you just go ahead and call him?
Jerry: I can't call here, it's a coffee shop. I mean what am I going to say to him?
Elaine: Just ask him if he wants a to get together.
Jerry: For what dinner?
Elaine: Dinner's good.
Jerry: Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong? .. Isn't that like a turn off?
Elaine: Jerry, He's A GUY!
Jerry: ... this is all .. very confusing.
Mrs. Sokol: You know you only have two more weeks before your benefits run out.
George: Yes and I was hoping ... to get a thirteen week extension.
Mrs. Sokol: So where have you been looking for work?
George: Well you know what I've discovered Mrs. Sokol. It's not so much the looking as the listening. I listen for work. And as I'm looking and listening I am also looking. You can't discount looking. It's sort of a combination. It's looking, and listening, listening and looking. But you must look.
Mrs. Sokol: Can you be specific about any of these companies?
George: Specific, Ah, lets see. I've walked in and out of so many buildings they all .. blend in together, I uh, ..
Mrs. Sokol: Well just give me one name.
George: Absolutely, uh, lets see there's, uh, Vandelay Industries, I just saw them. I got very close there. very close.
Mrs. Sokol: And what type of company is that?
George: Latex, latex manufacturing
Mrs. Sokol: And you interviewed there?
George: Yes, for a sales position. Latex salesman, the selling of latex, and latex related products. They just wouldn't give me a chance.
Mrs. Sokol: I'm going to need an address and a phone number for this uh, Vandelay company...
Goerge: You like gum? 'Cause I have a friend in the gum business. I got a gum guy. I make one phone call. I got boxes of delivered right to your door.
Mrs. Sokol: The address!
George: YYYDDSSHE(?) ... Jose Jimenez. You recognize it?
Mrs. Sokol: No.
George: Jose Jimenez, ... verrry funny. ..very funny.
Mrs. Sokol: The ADDRESS!
George: uh, Uh, Vandelay Industries, is uh. 129 West 81st street. It's a very small industry Vandelay. It's one of the reasons I wanted to uh, work for them.
Mrs. Sokol: The PHONE number.
George: That's uh, KL5-8383. Are you calling them soon because, they keep very strange hours.
Mrs. Sokol: As soon as I'm done wit you!
George: Sure, well uh, you know I'll check in with you next week uh, I gotta run now because I got a full plate this afternoon. All right, really go to uh,.
George: (Frantically, takes phone and screams...) He'll call you back.
Kramer: (loungingly talking on phone) It's a par five. So you know I step up to the tee and I hit a beautiful drive right down the middle of the fairway. I mean you know my hook, right?
Jerry: Elaine, how about this shirt? Is this okay?
Elaine: Jerry, ... He's a GUY!
Kramer: well it's a dog leg left, so I play the hook right? .. hold on there's another call.
George: (Frantically) Jerry, Jerry?
Kramer: George?
George: Kramer put Jerry on the phone.
Kramer: (Angrily) Yeah, look I'm in the middle of something. Call back.
George: Kramer!! Kramer no!!
Kramer: ... so the ball takes of and I'm waiting for it to turn.
George: hitting phone
Kramer: Yeah, I'll talk to Jerry. Yeah, [Hangs up] . . . you know that was Michael and Carol. She's wondering when we're going to come over and see the baby.
Jerry: Oh, see the baby again with the baby..
Elaine: Who are they?
Jerry: Uh, he's this guy who used to live in the building and they keep calling us to see the baby.
Jerry: (imitates) Ya' gotta see the babi - When are ya' gonna see the babi... Can't they just send us a tape?
Elaine: You know if you waited a few more months it won't be a baby anymore then you wouldn't have to see it.
Jerry: uh uh because then it would be all grown up.
Elaine: yeah ha ha ha
Jerry: Hey Kramer what do you think of this shirt?
Kramer: (does a double take) It's too busy
Elaine: It looks like you're trying too hard to make an impression on him. You're not being yourself.
Kramer: What guy?
Jerry: I know he's just a guy but .. I LIKE him.
Kramer: Who are you talkin about?
Jerry: Uh, Keith uh Hernandez.
Kramer: KEITH HERNANDEZ?
Newman: (enters) KEITH HERNANDEZ?
George: Do me a favor would you? Would you change lanes? Would you get outta this lane. You gotta get out of this lane. This lane stinks. They're all double parked here Please get outta this lane. I'm beggin you please please.
George: You know what, bad mistake my mistake do me a favor go back to the other lane - you'll never get there - forget this lane - y'a kn ow what this lane stinks - go back to the other lane - bad decision - go go go take this light - take this light -
Cabby: That's it GET OUT!!
George: Get out?
Cabby: Get out of my cab.
George: Wa, I'm not getting out of this cab
George: No, no! You can't throw me out
Jerry: Hellooo Newman.
Kramer: I hate KEITH HERNANDEZ - hate him.
Newman: I despise him.
Elaine: Why?
Newman: Why? I'll tell you why...
Kramer: Let me tell it ..
Newman: No, you can't tell it ..
Kramer: You always tell it ..
Newman: All right, tell it.
Kramer: Ja ja ja - just tell it
Newman: June 14, 1987... Mets Phillies. We're enjoying a beautiful afternoon in the right field stands when a crucial Hernandez error to a five run Phillies ninth. Cost the Mets the game.
Kramer: Our day was ruined. There was a lot of people, you know, they were waiting by the player's parking lot. Now we're coming down the ramp ... [cut to film of the day - like the Zabruter film - with the Umbrella man and everything - Oh so brilliant parody!!!] ... Newman was in front of me. Keith was coming toward us, as he passes Newman turns and says, " Nice game pretty boy.". Keith continued past us up the ramp.
Newman: A second later, something happened that changed us in a deep and profound way front that day forward.
Elaine: What was it?
Kramer: He spit on us... and I screamed out, "I'm hit!"
Newman: Then I turned and the spit ricochet of him and it hit me.
Elaine: Wow! What a story.
Jerry: Unfortunately the immutable laws of physics contradict the whole premise of your account. Allow me to reconstruct this if I may for Miss Benes as I've heard this story a number of times.
Jerry: Newman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me. According to your story Keith passes you and starts walking up the ramp then you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple striking Newman between the third and forth rib. The spit then cam off the rib turned and hit Newman in the right wrist causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, Pauses In mid air mind you- makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh. That is one magic luggie.
Newman: Well that's the way it happened.
Jerry: What happened to your head when you got hit?
Kramer: Well. uh, well my head went back and to the left
Jerry: Again
Kramer: Back and to the left
Jerry: Back and to the left Back and to the left
Elaine: So, what are you saying?
Jerry: I am saying that the spit could not have come from behind ... that there had to have been a second spitter behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the spitter was behind you as you claimed that would have caused your head to pitch forward.
Elaine: So the spit could have only come from the front and to the right.
Jerry: But that is not what they would have you believe.
Newman: I'm leavin'. Jerry's a nut. (Exits)
Kramer: Wait, wait, (Exits)
Jerry: The sad thing is we may never know the real truth.
George: (Frantically) Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay industries?
Jerry: No. What happened to you?
George: Now, listen closely. I was at the unemployment office and I told them that I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries and I gave them your phone number. So, when now when the phone rings you've got to answer "Vandelay Industries".
Jerry: I'm Vandelay Industries?
George: Right.
Jerry: And what is that?
George: You're in latex
Jerry: Latex? And what do I do with latex?
George: Ya manufacture it.
Elaine: Here in this little apartment?
Jerry: And what do I say about you?
George: You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.
Jerry: I'm going to hire you as my latex salesman?
George: Right.
Jerry: I don't think so. Why would I do that?
George: Because I asked you to.
Jerry: If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk pushing papers around, you can forget it. I have enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff.
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: It's Keith.
Jerry: All right we're coming down.
George: KEITH HERNANDEZ?
Jerry: Yeah, come on Elaine, lets go.
George: Where are you goin?
Elaine: He's giving me a ride You know there had to have been a second spitter. But who was it? Who had the motive?
Jerry: That's what I've been trying to figure out the past five years.
George: What the hell are you two talking about? (All exit)
Jerry: Well that was really fun, thanks.
Keith: Yeah, it really was.
Jerry(Mind): Should I shake his hand?
Jerry: Well, ...
Keith: UH, do you want to catch a movie this weekend? Have you seen JFK?
Jerry: No, I haven't.
Jerry(Mind): This weekend. WOW!
Jerry: Sure, that would be great.
Jerry(Mind): Damn, I was too overanxious, he must have noticed that.
Jerry: I mean, ... if you want to.
Keith: Well, how about this Friday?
Jerry: Yeah, Friday's okay.
Jerry(Mind): Go ahead shake his hand. You're Jerry Seinfeld. You've been on the Tonight Show.
Jerry: Well, good night [holds hand out and shakes hand]
Keith: Goodnight. Oh, Jer, by the way, the woman we gave a ride to earlier tonight,
Jerry: Elaine?
Keith: Yeah. What's her story?
Jerry: Uh, I don't know, we used to go out.
Keith: Would you mind if I gave her a call?
Jerry: For a date?
Keith: Yeah.
Jerry: Oh, no, uh, go ahead. You got a pen?
Keith: You sure you don't mind?
Jerry: ... (silence)
Jerry: So then we went to dinner.
George: Who paid?
Jerry: We split it.
George: Split it. Pretty good. Talk about game six?
Jerry: Naw, I gotta wait until its just the right time.
Jerry: Yeah
Elaine: It's Elaine.
Jerry: Come on up.
George: So then what?
Jerry: Uh, nuthin'. Then he took me home.
George: Shake his hand?
Jerry: (smiling) Yeah
George: What kind of a shake does he have?
Jerry: Good shake. Perfect shake. Single pump, not too hard, you know, doesn't have to prove anything, but, you know, firm enough to know he was there.
George: So, uh, you gonna see him again?
Jerry: He asked me if I was doing anything Friday night.
George: Wow! The weekend.
Jerry: So then as I was getting out of the car, ...
Elaine: HI
Jerry: Hi Elaine.
Elaine: Sooo, how was your date?
Jerry: What date? It's a GUY.
Elaine: So you know , ... he called me.
Jerry: Already?
George: Keith called you?
George: He he This guy really gets around.
Elaine: Do you mind?
Jerry: I don't mind at all. Why should I mind? What did he say?
Elaine: He asked me out for Saturday night.
Jerry: Oh, ya' going?
Elaine: I told him I was busy.
Jerry: Ah, really.
Elaine: So, we're going out Friday.
Jerry: Friday?
Elaine: yeah.
Jerry: He's going' out with you on Friday?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: He's supposed to see ME on Friday.
Elaine: Oh, uh, I didn't know.
Jerry: We made plans.
Elaine: Well, uh, I'll cancel it.
Jerry: No, don't cancel it.
Elaine: Huh. Well this is a little awkward, isn't it/
Jerry: Well, frankly it is.
Elaine: I've never seen you jealous before.
Jerry: Well you're not even a fan. I was at game six - you didn't even watch it.
Elaine: Wait a second wait a minute, You jealous of him or you jealous of me?
Jerry: Any Hennigans around here?
Jerry: Vandelay Industries, Kel Varnsen speaking. May we help you? ... Oh Hi Keith. Na, I was just jokin' around
Jerry: No. No. I don't mind at all.
Elaine: (quietly) No, no, no, I can cancel.
Jerry: Sure, we can do something next week.
Elaine: (quietly) I can cancel.
Jerry: No, its no problem at all.
Elaine: (quietly) I,...
Jerry: Okay, take it easy. (hangs up) That was Keith. we're going to do something next week.
Kramer: Hey
Jerry: Hey what are you doing Friday night?
Jerry: Friday night? Nothin', ... now.
Kramer: Okay, wanna come with me and see the baby?
Jerry: Fasten your seat belts. we're goin' to see the baby.
Kramer: Come on, if you don't see the baby now you're never gonna see it
Jerry: All right, I'll go
Kramer: All right
Kramer: Yallo. What delay industries?
Elaine: no no , ..
George: (from bathroom) VANDELAY, SAY VANDELAY!
Kramer: Na, you're way way way off.. Well, yeah that's the right number but this is an apartment
George: (from bathroom) VANDELAY, SAY VANDEL... (George falls) ... Vandelay Industries, ...
Kramer: no problem, ... no problem. [Hangs up] ... How did YOU know who that was?
Jerry: And you want to be my latex salesman.


Mrs. Sokol: Just sign here please.
George: I know who it was too. It was the guy who interviewed me. He was very threatened by me. Why else wouldn't he hire me? I could sell latex like that (snaps fingers).
Mrs. Sokol: Sign that.
George: Who is this? (sees photo)
Mrs. Sokol: It's my daughta'
George: THIS is your daughter? My God! My God! I I hope you don't mind my saying. She is breathtaking.
Mrs. Sokol: Ya' think so?
George: Ah, would you take this picture away from me. Take it away and get it outta here. Let me just sign this and go.
Mrs. Sokol: You know she doesn't even have a boyfriend.
George: Okay, Okay. Who do you think you're talking to? What are ya' you trying to make a joke, because it's not funny. I can tell you that.
Mrs. Sokol: I'm serious.
George: It's one think to not give me the extension But to tease and to torture me like this. There's no call for that.
Mrs. Sokol: Would you like her phone numba'?
Mrs. Sokol: Mrs. Sokol I, I don't know what to say. I, uh, where should I sign this thing?
Mrs. Sokol: No no no, Don't worry about it.
Elaine: So tell me more about this game SIX.
Keith: Well, there was two outs, bottom of the tenth, we're one out away from losing the series.
Elaine: ooooh ahhh
Kramer: (to baby) Koochie koochie koochie koo
Jerry: (to baby) Hello. How are you/
Carol: So, wadda ya' think? Do you love her?
Jerry: Yes. I do love her. (to baby) You have a very nice place here.
Carol: So how do you think she looks like?
Kramer: Lyndon Johnson.
Carol: What? Lyndon Johnson?
Jerry: He's joking.
Kramer: I'm not joking. She looks like Lyndon Johnson.
Carol: Jerry, I can't believe it took you so long to come see the baby. I kept saying to Michael, "When is Jerry going to see the baby?"
Jerry: I was saying the same thing.
Carol: Let's take a picture. Michael, get the camera.
Jerry: Uh, you don't have to take a picture.
Mike: I don't know where it is.
Carol: It's in the bottom draw' of are dressa'. Hurry up! He's such an idiot.
Jerry: Jerry, You want to pick her up?
Jerry: I better not.
Kramer: I'll pick her up.
Carrie: Thank you for a wonderful time George.
George: Glad you enjoyed it.
Carrie: I haven't had a Big Mac in a long time.
George: millions and millions
Carrie: Would you like to come up?
George: [pause] Would I like to come up? I would love to come up. I, I'm fighting not to. Fighting! Unfortunately I uh have to get an early start tomorrow. Gotta' get up and hit that pavement
Carrie: But it's Saturday. all the offices are closed.
George: I got me an appointment with a hardware store. I'm not saying I want to do it for the rest of my life, but, uh, hardware fascinates me. Don't you love to make a key?
Carrie: Will you call me as soon as you get home?
George: [pause] Tonight?
Carrie: Yes.
George: Will I call you when I get home? ha ha What do you think? ee, you kill me kill me
Carrie: Well. good night.[puckers up]
Kramer: Well it was an accident. Right Jerry it was an accident. Ah, she's going to be all right. .. baby, baby, ah, baby.
Elaine: Well, thanks for a nice evening. It was really fun.
Keith: Yeah, it was. [mind] Gosh, should I kiss her good night?
Elaine: [mind] Is he going to try to kiss me?
Elaine: I love Cajun cooking.
Keith: Really, you know my mom's one quarter Cajun.
Elaine: Uh, my father's half drunk. ha ha ha ha
Keith: Maybe they should get together. [mind] Go ahead. Kiss her. I'm a baseball player dammit.
Elaine: [mind] What's he waiting for? I thought he was a cool guy.
Keith: [mind] Come on I won the MVP in 79. I can do whatever I want to.
Elaine: [mind] This is getting awkward.
Keith: Well, goodnight
Elaine: Good night
Elaine: [mind] Who does this guy think he is?
Keith: [mind] I'm Keith Hernandez.
Elaine: Uh, who else? Mookie. Mookie was there. Do you know him?
Jerry: I don't know him. I know who he is.
Elaine: Hum, he's such a great guy. You should meet him. You know he's the one who got that hit
Jerry: I know. He got the hit in game SIX. So, so then what happened?
Elaine: Nuthin'. Then he took me home.
Jerry: So, did you two, uh, have uh,
Elaine: What?!
Jerry: You know
Elaine: Milk?
Jerry: No!
Elaine: Cookies?
Jerry: Did he kiss you good night?
Elaine: I dunno.
Jerry: What do you mean you don't know?
Elaine: All right. He kissed me. Okay?
Jerry: Well, what kind of a kiss? Was it a peck? Was it a kiss? Was it a long make out thing?
Elaine: Between a peck and a make out.
Jerry: So, you like him.
Elaine: I don't understand. Before you were jealous of me. Now you're jealous of him?
Jerry: Ah, I'm jealous of everybody.
Jerry: hello. Oh, hi. What's happening? what? oh um, sure, um, yeah, okay, uh. I'll see you then. Yeah, yeah, Bye.
Elaine: Who was that?
Jerry: That was Keith.
Elaine: What's going on?
Jerry: He wants me to help him move.
Elaine: Help him move? Move what?
Jerry: You know, furniture.
Elaine: So, what did you say?
Jerry: I said yes, but I don't feel right about it. I mean I hardly know the guy. That's a big step oin a relationship. The biggest. That's like going all the way.
Elaine: And you feel you're not really ready for,
Jerry: Well we went out one time. Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong?
Kramer: What's going on?
Jerry: Keith Hernandez just asked me to help him move.
Kramer: What? Well, you hardly know the guy. What a nerve. You see wasn't I right about this guy? Didn't I tell you? Now, you're not going to do it are you?
Jerry: I said yes.
Kramer: YOU SAID YES!? Don't you have any pride or self respect? I mean, how can you prostitute yourself like this? I mean what are you going to do? You're going to start driving him to the airport?
Jerry: I'm NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT! ..
Kramer: yeah yeah
Jerry: hey Kramer do me a favour .
Kramer: What?
Jerry: Don't mention it to anybody.
Kramer: I wish you never mentioned it to ME. [exits]
George: I had a great time tonight Carrie. And I am going to call you as soon as I get home.
Carrie: Don't bottha
George: Bother, wa', what kind of bother?
Carrie: I would prefa' it if ya' didn'.
George: Why? Is there anything wrong?
Carrie: It's over buddy. Done. Finished. So long. Good bye. Adios. Sayanara.
George: Why?
Carrie: I bin thinkin about it. You got no job. You got no prospects. You're like Biff Loman.
George: I went to the hardware store interview.
Carrie: You think I'm going to spend my life with somebody because he can get me a deal on a box of nails?
George: I thought were a team.
Carrie: If I ever need a drill bit I'll call you. (exits car)
George: Carrie, could you do me a favour? Could you not mention this to your mother?
Kramer: Ya know I hate to brag but, uh, I did win eleven straight golden gloves.
Elaine: (chuckles)
Kramer: I wouldn't have brought it up but since you mentioned it.
Elaine: Ha, I didn't mention it.
Kramer: Well I won them anyway.
Elaine: Well so what. I mean you played first base. I mean they always put the worst player on first base. That's were they put me and I stunk.
Kramer: Elaine. you don't know the first thing about first base.
Elaine: ha ha well I know something about getting to first base. And I know you'll never be there.
Kramer: The way I figure it I've already been there and I plan on rounding second tonight at around eleven o'clock.
Elaine: Well, uh, I'd watch the third base coach if I were you 'cause I don't think he's waving you in. You know I hate to say this but I think we're really hitting it off. Get it? Get it?
Kramer: Funny.
Elaine: What are you doing?
Kramer: What's that?
Elaine: You smoke?
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: I didn't know you SMOKED.
Kramer: Is that a problem?
Elaine: Uh,
Jerry: She likes him I mean she really likes him.
George: How do you kn ow?
Jerry: Who wouldn't like him? I like him. And I'm a guy.
George: I suppose he's an attractive man, I ,
Jerry: Forget that. He's a ball player. MVP< 1979. I'm making wise cracks in some night club. This guy was in game six. They're a perfect match. They like go together. They're like one of these brother and sister couples that look alike.
George: Hate those couples. I could never bee one of those couples. There are no bald woman around. You know?
Jerry: You know I know this sounds a little arrogant but I never thought she would find anyone she would like better than me. Ya know, I guess I had my chance and that's that.
George: You know what I would like to do? I would really like to have sex with a tall woman. I mean really tall. Like a like a giant Like six five.
Jerry: Really?
George: What was the tallest woman you ever slept with?
Jerry: I don't know six three.
George: Wow, god! You see this is all I think about. Sleeping with a giant. It's my life's ambition.
Jerry: So I guess it's fair to say you've set different goals for yourself than say, Thomas Edison, Magellan, these types of people.
George: Magellan? You like Magellan?
Jerry: Oh, yeah,. My favourite explorer. Around the world. Come on.
George: Who do you like?
George: I like DeSoto.
Jerry: DeSoto? What did he do?
George: Discovered the Mississippi.
Jerry: Oh. like they wouldn't have found that anyway.
George: All right, I've got to go down to the unemployment office. Wanna take a walk?
Jerry: No I can't I've got some stuff to do then I've got to meet Keith at my apartment at three. I'm helping him move.
George: What? The guy asked you to HELP HIM MOVE? Wow.
Jerry: I know isn't that something?
Kramer: He's got money. Why doesn't he just pay a mover?
Jerry: I don't know he's got some valuable antiques, He's worried they'll break something.
George: The next thing you know, he'll have you driving him to the airport..
Jerry: I'M NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT!!
George: I gave. I gave everything I could Mrs. Sokol. but nothing was good enough for her.
Mrs. Sokol: Sign here please.
George: Ha, I don't know who she's looking for. I don't know. I'll tell you something. She's very particular, your daughter. Very particular. What is she looking for some big hot shot businessman? Well I've got my pride too. I'm not going to beg her.
Mrs. Sokol: All right just sign it. People are waiting.
George: You, uh, you like baseball? [picks up baseball from desk]
Mrs. Sokol: That was autographed by the '86 Mets. I saw every inning that year.
George: Funny, cause I happen to be very good friends with Keith Hernandez.
Mrs. Sokol: You know Keith Hernandez.
George: Know him? Would you, uh, like to meet him?
Mrs. Sokol: Oh, come on. Come on.
George: I can produce Keith Hernandez right here within the hour.
Mrs. Sokol: All right. You got ONE hour.
George: All right Mrs. S. I and my good pal Keith Hernandez will be right back.
George: 129 west 81st street and hurry.
George: Goodbye (exits cab)
Keith: Better bring your gloves, it's freezing out there. It shouldn't take too long. I'd say maybe, oh, four hours. Really though, Jerry, there's not that much. First we got the bedroom, we got two dressers and the bed.
Jerry: Is there a box spring?
Keith: What's that?
Jerry: Is there a box spring?
Keith: Yeah there's a box spring but it's attached to the headboard and we'll have to take that apart. Then we got the couch.
Jerry: Is that a sectional?
Keith: Yeah. Twelve pieces. <not clear> coffee table.
Jerry: Is that a thick marble?
Keith: Three inches thick. Got it in Italy. But the BIG problem is going to be the convertible sofa. You see when you move it it tends to open up so it's going to be real difficult getting it down the stairs.
Jerry: STAIRS??? There's no elevator?
Keith: Nah, it's a brownstone. Three floors.
Jerry: I'm sorry I can't do this. I can't do it. I can't. It, it's too soon. I don't know you. I can't help you move. I'm sorry. I can't. I just can't.
Kramer: Hello.
Keith: Hello.
Kramer: Oh, you don't remember me.
Keith: No should I [continuity error in fact he SHOULD from the basketball game]
Kramer: Yeah, you should. I certainly remember you. Let me refresh your memory.
Newman: June 14th, 1987. Mets Phillies. You made a big error. Cost the Mets the game. Then you're coming up the parking lot ramp.
Keith: YOU said, "Nice game, pretty boy."
Kramer: Ah, you remember.
Newman: And then you spit on us.
Keith: Hey, I didn't spit at you.
Newman: Oh, yeah, right.
Kramer: No no no, well, then who was it?
Keith: Well lookit, the way I remember it (back to the grainy 8mm film parody) I was walking up the ramp. I was upset about the game. That's when you called me pretty boy. It ticked me off. I started to turn around to say something and as I turned around I saw Roger McDowell behind the bushes over by that gravely road. Anyway he was talking to someone and they were talking to you. I tried to scream out but it was too late. It was already on its way.
Jerry: I told you!
Newman: Wow, it was McDowell.
Jerry: But why? Why McDowell?
Kramer: Well, maybe because we were sitting in the right field stands cursing at him in the bullpen all game.
Newman: He must have caught a glimpse of us when I poured that beer on his head.
Newman: It was McDowell.
Kramer: Oh boy. Uh, look uh, Keith, uh, we're sorry.
Newman: Yeah, I couldn't be sorrier. I uh.
Keith: look guys, don't worry about it, I uh, Well I guess I better get going.
Kramer: Wait, uh what are ya' doing?
Keith: I gotta move.
Kramer: Want any help?
Keith: I'd love some.
Kramer: I'd love to help you move.
Newman: Me too.
Keith: Ok guys, we gotta be careful of one thing. Some of the stuff's very fragile We're going to have to handle it like a baby.
Kramer: No sweat.
Jerry: Hello, oh hi Elaine .. what's going on no he just left you broke up with him? ME TOO .. what happened? oh smoking you know you're like going out with C. Everet Coope me nah I couldn't go through with it I just didn't feel ready so what are you doing now? Oh, great idea, I'll meet you there in like thirty minutes. Okay bye.
George: Keith, Keith Wa What happened? Where's Keith?
Jerry: You just missed him. he just left. What do you need him for?
George: (out the window) Keith, Keith, up here. Can you do me a favor? I need you to go to the unemployment office with me. I, I'm Jerry's friend the guy from the locker room, I'm the chucker. It'll take five minutes. Wait. Wait.
Jerry: Well Biff/ What's next?
George: I don't know.
Tall Girl: Excuse me. I was walking behind you and you dropped your wallet.


George: It's all departures. I see nothing but departures. (to the woman beside him) Do you know where the arrivals are?
George: Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?
Man: There's a clock over there.
George: Where?
Man: (pointing) There.
George: But you have a watch on.
Man: It's right by the escalator.
George: Why don't you just look at your watch?
Man: I told you, it's right over there.
George: Let me see the watch.
Man: Hey! What are you, some kind of nut?!
George: You know we're living in a society!
Jerry: George.
George: Jerry. Jerry.
Jerry: Sorry, the flight was delayed, how long've you been waiting?
George: I just got here. My car broke down on the Belt Parkway.
Jerry: Oh I can't believe- why don't you get rid of that piece of junk.
George: One mile from the exit it starts shaking, really violently shaking, like it's having a nervous breakdown. It completely stopped dead.
Jerry: So you have no car?
George: No.
Jerry: So what good are you?
Jerry: I'll tell you one thing, this chauffeur's gonna be waiting a while, O'Brien's not showing up.
George: How do you know?
Jerry: He was in Chicago, the flight was overbooked, wouldn't let him on the plane. He kept screaming how he had to get to Madison Square Garden.
George: We should take his limo.
Jerry: Yeah, right.
George: Wait a second. Think about it. He's not showing up. Wait till you see the line of cabs, its like forty-five minutes long. You said he's in Chicago.
Jerry: He's definitely in Chicago.
George: Well the guy's just standing there.
Jerry: How would we do it?
George: We just go up to him, we say, "We're O'Brien."
Jerry: Maybe he knows O'Brien?
George: No, he doesn't know O'Brien, if he knew O'Brien he wouldn't have a sign. Let's just do it.
Jerry: What if we get caught?
George: What's gonna happen? They can't kill us.
Jerry: Who's gonna be O'Brien?
George: I'll be O'Brien.
Jerry: Who am I?
George: You're you.
Jerry: Just me?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Okay.
George: What, you don't want to be you?
Jerry: Well if you're gonna be O'Brien, why can't I be somebody?
George: Like who?
Jerry: Dylan Murphy.
Jerry: What, now you wanna be Dylan Murphy?
George: Well I like Dylan.
Jerry: You could be Colin.
George: Colin O'Brien.
Jerry: I'm Dylan Murphy.
George: I'm Colin O'Brien.
George: Are we really doing this?
Jerry: Come on,
Man: (to George) Hey, do you have the time?
George: Clock over there. (to chauffer) O'Brien.
Chauffeur: Yes sir.
George: Sorry we're late.
Chauffeur: Here let me take that for you.
George: Oh thank you.
Chauffeur: I'll get the car and I'll bring it around front.
George: Thank you very much. Dylan?
Jerry: Colin?
George: This is incredible! This is one of the greatest things I've ever done in my life! I'm gonna call my mother.
Jerry: What for?
George: I dunno, I'm in a limo. (dials) Hello ma? It's me. Guess where I am. In the back of a limo. No, nobody died. It's a long story, I can't tell you now. Because I can't. I said I can't. If I could, I would. Would you stop it? Alright, look, I'm getting off. No, I'm not telling you! How's this? I'm *never* telling you! I don't care! No! Fine! Never!!
Jerry: She happy for you?
George: Can he hear us?
Jerry: No. Why?
George: I thought I saw him look in the mirror suspiciously.
Jerry: He can't hear us.
George: Let's test him. Hey, driver. What do you say we stop off, pick up your sister, have a little fun back here? No, he can't hear us.
Jerry: Where's he dropping us? Maybe we can get him to drop us right at my house?
George: We'll ask him. (opens partition) My dear fellow, where are you dropping us?
Chauffeur: Madison Square Garden, of course. I have the four passes.
George: Of course, the uh, the four passes. (closes partition) Four passes to Madison Square Garden? Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Of course! Chicago! The Knicks are playing the Bulls tonight!
Jerry: What?
George: We are going to the Knick game! Michael Jordan!
Jerry: We're going to the Knick game!
George: Did I tell you?! Did I tell you?!
Jerry: I can't believe it! You may have hit with this one!
George: You see, you see? I see things as they are and I say, 'no!' Uh, wait, you see things as they are not and you s- Wait, uh, you see things, do you see things as they are? What do you say when you see things?
Jerry: Lemme call Elaine and Kramer.
George: If I see things as they are, I would ask 'why' or 'why not?'
Jerry: Elaine? It's me. What are you doing tonight? Great. George and I have tickets, four free passes to the Knicks-Bulls game, Madison Square Garden. Can you go? Great, listen, call Kramer, tell him to meet us on the corner at seven o'clock. Alright. We're gonna pick you up in a limo. That's right baby-doll. Hey listen, when we pick you up, I'm Murphy and George is O'Brien. I can't tell you now, it's a long story. I am serious. Okay. Okay bye. (opens partition) 'Scuse me, driver, we have to make a little stop first.
Chauffeur: I know.
Jerry And George: He knows?
George: Where are we going? Why are we pulling off here?
Jerry: Maybe it's a shortcut.
George: We're on the Grand Central, there's no traffic.
Jerry: (opens partition) 'Scuse me, driver, why are we getting off this exit?
Chauffeur: Pick up the other members of your party.
George: Right. The other members of our party. (closes partition) Other members of our party? What other members of our party? I didn't even know we were in a party. Oh, I'm telling you, the jig is up.
Jerry: It was a bad jig to begin with, we never should have started this jig.
George: It was a good jig.
Jerry: It was a bad jig, a terrible terrible jig. What are we gonna do now? They're gonna know you're not O'Brien.
George: There could be more than one O'Brien on a plane who ordered a limo.
Jerry: First of all, you don't look like any O'Brien, period.
George: Well you should have been O'Brien.
Jerry: I don't want to be Murphy anymore; do I still have to be Murphy?
George: Yes, you have to be Murphy.
Jerry: It makes no sense now, me being Murphy.
George: You're Murphy!
Jerry: I'm Seinfeld!
George: You're Murphy!! Look, let's just jump out of the car.
Jerry: We're doing sixty miles an hour!
George: So we jump and roll, you won't get hurt.
Jerry: Who are you, Mannix?
George: We're slowing down. Are those the people?
Jerry: Alright put your hands up over your face, pretend you're sleeping.
Woman: (reaches out to Jerry) Mr. O'Brien?
Jerry: No, I'm, uh, Dylan Murphy. Mr. O'Brien had a long trip, he's sleeping.
Eva: (whispering) Oh, well I don't want to disturb him. We're just rather excited to meet him face to face, finally. We're faithful readers of his newsletter.
Jerry: Newsletter?
Tim: And of course, his great book, "The Game".
Jerry: Oh, yes, he's very proud of his work in the big game. So you've never uh, met him before?
Eva: No.
Jerry: Never seen a picture of him?
Eva: Never.
Jerry: Not even on the book jacket?
Eva: There was no picture on the book jacket.
Jerry: (nudging George) Hey O'Brien, wake up, c'mon, we got company. Wake up.
George: Hello. I'm O'Brien.
Kramer: Hey!
Elaine: Hey!
Kramer: What, you took a cab?
Elaine: Yeah? So?
Kramer: How much do you make?
Elaine: I'm not telling you.
Kramer: C'mon.
Elaine: No!
Kramer: I'll tell you how much I make.
Elaine: I know how much you make. I don't even know why I'm doing this, I don't even like basketball.
Kramer: You ever seen Michael Jordan?
Elaine: Just in those commercials.
Kramer: Maybe you'll see him do one of those three-sixty dunks.
Elaine: What's that?
Kramer: Oh, it's like this, here, you guard me.
Elaine: Huh?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: (checking his watch) I don't think we're gonna make the tip off.
Tim: You think someone's been tipped off?
George: So, um, you've read "The Big Game", have you?
Eva: (fawning) Yes I've read it and I've memorized it.
George: Tell me your impressions, I would love to hear what a young woman thinks of "The Big Game".
Eva: Well, this is sort of embarrassing, but it's changed my life. The way you analyzed the game? The way you identify the major players? Well it left me breathless. You're a brilliant, brilliant man.
George: Well, it's just a game. Remember that, kids.
Tim: Just a game. He's so humble. Don't forget what you wrote in the epilogue, the fate of the world depends on the outcome of this game.
George: Well, I was exaggerating a bit, just for effect.
Jerry: He tends to exaggerate.
George: Okay, I mean it's serious but-
Eva: We are really looking forward to your speech tonight.
George: Uh, my speech?
Eva: Yes, your secretary faxed me the copy. Would you like to look it over?
Jerry: Well you might as well look it over.
Kramer: So what's going on, how did all this happen?
Elaine: Jerry and George called me from this limo and they said we're all going to the Knicks-Bulls game.
Kramer: Limo? I thought that George went to pick him up.
Elaine: He did.
Kramer: Well then why would they take a limo from the airport?
Elaine: I don't know.
Kramer: That's pretty strange. Did he say anything else?
Elaine: Yeah. He said, um, he said it's really important that we call them O'Brien and Murphy.
Kramer: O'Brien. Why would he want to be called O'Brien?
George: ...and the Jews steal our money through their Zionist occupied government and use the black man to bring drugs into our oppressed white minority communities.
Jerry: You're not going to open with that, are you?
Eva: What was that you said about the myth of the Holocaust?
George: I said so many things.
George: They're shooting! They're shooting!
Tim: (pulling out a gun) Alright, get down!
George: That's really very nice of you, Eva. Thank you.
Eva: But of course you know I would. I would do anything for you. Anything.
Tim: Nothing to worry about, it was just a flat tire. But rest assured, we're prepared to handle anything that might come up.
Jerry: Nice looking Lugar.
Jodi: I'm standing in front of the Paramount adjacent to Madison Square Garden where a growing number of vociferous and angry demonstrators are gathering to protest the very first public appearance of Donald O'Brien, the leader of the midwestern regional chapter of the Aryan Union, and reputed to be their most charismatic spokesman. The reclusive Mr. O'Brien is an advocate of the violent overthrow of the government. He has openly professed a deep admiration of Adolf Hitler. Even David Duke has denounced him as a dangerous extremist. There is a full house inside awaiting his arrival from the airport. Sources tell me he is in route and should be arriving momentarily. Police have set up barricades, but quite frankly Bill and Jean, I don't think they're any match for the emotional fuse that has been lit here tonight. Reporting from the Paramount, I'm Jodi Baskerville, back to you in the studio.
Kramer: Something's very strange. George goes to the airport to pick up Jerry. They come back in a limo with four tickets to the basketball game and wanna be called O'Brien and Murphy? O'Brien. O'Brien, why O'Brien?
Dan: Elaine?
Elaine: Dan! Oh, hi Dan, how are you?
Dan: Good.
Elaine: Um, oh, this is um, Kramer.
Dan: Oh, Kramer?
Elaine: What's going on?
Dan: Oh, we're heading down to protest this big neo-nazi rally. The head of the Aryan Union is speaking, he's in from Chicago. You should come.
Elaine: Oh, can't, I'm going to the Knicks-Bulls game.
Dan: Oh, well that's where the rally is. The Paramount, right next door.
Elaine: Oh, well, maybe we'll run into you.
Dan: Yeah, yeah ok. It's really gonna be something, this is the first time he's ever appeared in public, no one even knows what he looks like.
Kramer: Who?
Dan: The head of the Aryan Union; O'Brien.
Jerry: What's taking him so long out there?
George: Didja see the way she was looking at me?
Jerry: She's a Nazi, George. A Nazi!
George: I know, I know. Kind of a cute Nazi though.
Jerry: Well we gotta make a plan before they come back, what are we gonna do?
George: I don't know.
Jerry: Let's just make a run for it.
George: I can't run, I have a bad hamstring.
Jerry: How'd that happen?
George: I hurt it in a hotel room. You know where they tuck the covers in real tight in those hotel rooms? I can't sleep like that so I tried to kick it out and I pulled it.
Jerry: I know, why do they make that bed so tight? You gotta sleep with your feet like that.
George: For a mental patient. Wait a minute, the phone, we'll call the police.
George: 9... 1... 1. She said she'd do anything. Hello, police? Uh, yeah listen, we're in the back of a limo in Queens-
George: -Astroturf? You know who's responsible for that, don't you?! The Jews! Ah, the Jews hate grass. They always have, they always will.
Tim: We'll be ready in a minute.
George: Would you excuse us for a minute Tim boy, we're kind of in the middle of something.
Tim: With all due respect, Mr. O'Brien, we're just about to leave.
George: Tim, who's the head of the Aryan Union, you or me?
Tim: You are.
George: And who's responsible for making hate mongering and fascism popular again?
Tim: You are.
George: Good. I think you forgot something.
Tim: I'm sorry.
George: Good. Now get out.
George: Okay, what are we gonna do?
Jerry: I don't know.
George: Alright, how's this? We wait till we get to your street corner, we see Elaine and Kramer then we get out. They can't shoot us in the city.
Jerry: Nah. No one's ever been shot in the city.
Kramer: I'm telling you, something's going on. I can feel it, sense it.
Elaine: I'm sure he was just joking around.
Kramer: Oh no no no, this is no joke. O'Brien's coming in from Chicago, Jerry's in a limo, says he's O'Brien? That's not funny. Oh my god. Yes. Yes!
Elaine: What is it?
Kramer: Don't you see? There's always been something very strange about Jerry, always so clean and organized. Do I have to spell it out for you? The limo? The name? The rally at Madison Square Garden? Jerry, O'Brien are the same person. Jerry is the leader of the Aryan Union!
Elaine: Jerry's a nazi?!
Kramer: I can't believe I didn't see it.
Elaine: Listen, you idiot! Just calm down! I know Jerry, he's not a nazi.
Kramer: You don't think so.
Elaine: No, he's just neat.
Tim: You know it's funny. You don't look like an O'Brien.
George: Me??
Tim: And you really don't look like a Murphy.
Jerry: I may not look like a Murphy but I act like a Murphy.
George: He's extremely Murphy. He's Murphy to a fault.
Tim: Where are you from?
Jerry: Dublin. Originally. Parents came over here when I was eighteen. Cereal famine. Couldn't get a bowl anywhere. Bad. 'Tis a beautiful country though; lush rolling hills, and the peat, ah the peat.
Tim: Sounds more like Scottish.
Jerry: We were right on the border.
Kramer: Maybe he's with the company.
Elaine: What?
Kramer: The CIA! Maybe they placed him in there to infiltrate the organization from within.
Elaine: What about his comedy act?
Kramer: That's the perfect cover! All that time on the road? Look Jerry, he's too normal to be a comedian. These comedians, they're sick, neurotic people.
Elaine: What about George?
Kramer: What about him, he's part of it. His whole personality is a disguise. No real person can act the way he does. Elaine, I'm telling you they're with the organization. They're all part of it. He's in there with Helms and Hunt and Liddy, that whole crowd. George and Jerry, they probably know who killed Kennedy!
Elaine: I'll bet they were even in on it.
Kramer: Alright, what are we gonna do? I'm not gonna let him hurt you. (grabs and hugs Elaine tightly) I'm not gonna.
Elaine: Kramer, you're hurting me!
George: Those are my friends I was telling you about. We're gonna talk to them, pull over.
Elaine: Get off of me!!
Kramer: O'Brien.
Man #1: O'Brien? Is that him?
Man #2: Yeah, that's him.
Man #3: Look there's O'Brien!
Man #4: Filthy nazi bastard!
All Four Men: Let's get him!!
George: What do I do?! What do I do?!
Jerry: Get in the car! Get in the car!
Kramer: (pointing to Jerry) O'Brien. Long time no see. How's tricks, Murphy?
Tim: Why did you call him O'Brien and him Murphy?
Jerry: No, he was talking to me, he's cross-eyed.
Elaine: It could be very confusing.
Kramer: Yeah? Eva?
Eva: It's for me. (takes phone) Hello? (cups receiver) It's O'Brien.
Kramer: O'Brien? Well that's weird.
Eva: (gun drawn) Who are you?
Jodi: A limousine has just pulled up it's being surrounded by a huge group of protestors, this has the makings of a very ugly scene.
Jodi: They are banging on the car, trying to flip it over. The police seem unable or unwilling to control the crowd, I would imagine Mr. O'Brien must be having some very grave doubts if he made the right choice for his first public appearance.
Eva: Get out!!
Elaine: Look, it's Dan! Hi Dan!
Dan: Elaine?
Elaine: Hey!
George: I am not O'Brien! I am not O'Brien! I'm not O'Brien! Ask anyone! Jerry?! Jerry?!!