Bill: Well, if the big man wants a new scoreboard, I don't wanna be the one to tell him no.
Reilly: No-one in the park is gonna be able to see it from there.
George: (through a mouthful of shrimp) Well, why don't we just put a monitor in his skybox?
Reilly: Hey George, the ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.
George: (angry, to himself) The ocean called. Running outta shrimp. Outta shrimp! (a thought occurs) Oh! Yes! That's what I shoulda said! (frustrated shout) Dammit!
Jerry: 'The ocean called, They're running outta shrimp'?
George: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then, I said to him, 'Oh yeah? Well, the jerk store called, and they're running outta you.'
Jerry: (smiling) Really? That's great. You said that to him?
George: (confessing) Well, actually, I thought it up on the way over here.
Jerry: Oh. That's not quite the same.
George: No. No it's not. You don't know this guy. It woulda been so sweet.
Jerry: I'm gonna grab a can of balls.
George: Right.
Milos: Hello. My name is Milos. How can I help you.
Jerry: I need a can of balls.
Milos: Can of balls for the nice guy, alri...
Milos: ...Ahh. You don't plan to hit these balls with that racquet, do you?
Kramer: Checking out the staff picks, Miss Benes?
Elaine: Oh. (laughs) Ha-ha. Hey. Yeah, yeah. (indicating shelf) This Vincent guy, he is the best. He and I have the exact same taste in movies.
Kramer: Oh, Vincent is an art-house goon. I stick to the Gene rack.
Elaine: Gene? Oh, it's so stupid and mainstream.
Kramer: (indicates 'Gene' shelf) I've seen all these, so I went with a Kramer pick.
Elaine: (reading) 'The Other Side Of Darkness'. Huh, I never heard of that one.
Kramer: Yeah, went straight to video.
Kramer: (positive) That makes me the premiere.
Elaine: (gets Kramer's point) Hah.
Kramer: Jerry, have you ever seen the movie The Other Side Of Darkness?
Jerry: No.
Kramer: It's about this woman, in a coma. Well, I couldn't finish watching it, so I want you to read this.
Jerry: (reading) 'I, Cosmo Kramer, having just seen the movie The Other Side Of Darkness, and not wanting to be in a coma like that lady in the movie, hereby want Jerry Seinfeld to remove my life support, feeding machine, lung-blower, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.'
Kramer: Can you do that for me, buddy?
Jerry: Well, I don't if what you have here constitutes a legally binding document.
Kramer: Well, I'm gonna type it up.
Jerry: Yes, well, of course, but, even so, you may wanna talk to a lawyer.
Kramer: Yeah, but, Jackie Chiles, he put a restraining order on me. (frustrated) I'm not allowed within two hundred feet of his office. I couldn't even give him his Christmas present.
Kramer: Oh, hey, new racquet, huh?
Jerry: Yeah. (hands racquet to Kramer) I wasn't gonna get it, but this guy Milos, who runs the pro shop, he really recommended it.
Jerry: In fact, it's the only racquet he plays with.
Kramer: (picking up Jerry's old racquet) Well, you're not gonna need this any more.
Jerry: (accusingly) Hey, this is the zee page of my address book.
Kramer: (explaining) Oh yeah, I put all your zees on the weights and measures page.
Elaine: (emotional) Oh. Oh, bravo, Vincent. Bravo. (sniffs)
Elaine: What?
Vincent (O.C.): Did you enjoy the movie?
Elaine: Who is it?
Vincent (O.C.): It's Vincent.
Elaine: Of Vincent's picks?
Vincent (O.C.): The same.
Jerry: He called you?
Elaine: He musta got my number off the computer. We ended up talking for, like, two hours.
Jerry: To a guy you've never met? (mild sarcasm) Your screening process is getting ever more rigorous.
Elaine: Trying to meet him. He's never at the video store. They said he sets his own hours.
Player (O.C.): Little help, hey!
Elaine: (tossing the ball back) Yeah.
Player: Thank you.
Elaine: (laughing to Jerry) Oh god, that guy's terrible.
Jerry: (pulling on a jacket) Mmm-hmm.
Elaine: Hey, how come we played at this crummy place instead of your club?
Jerry: George used up all my guest passes already.
Elaine: Ah.
Player: Ahh.
Jerry: Come on.
Player: Thank you.
Jerry: (tossing the ball) Here you go.
Jerry: (disbelief) Milos?
Milos: (shock) Oh, hey. (puts sunglasses back on) How you doing?
Milos: Okay, we should uh, wrap it up here.
Elaine: So he was bad. What d'you care?
Jerry: Elaine, I paid two hundred dollars for this racquet, because he said it's the only one he plays with. He could've played just as well with a log.
Kramer: Hey. Right, I talked to this lawyer guy, Shellbach. Now, he's gonna set me up, but you gotta come with me and be the executor.
Elaine: The executor? Of what?
Jerry: Kramer wants to die with dignity.
Elaine: There's a feather in your cap.
Kramer: I don't wanna be a vegetable, Elaine. I just want out. (snaps fingers)
George: Sometimes in life, the gods smile upon you, my friends.
Jerry: D'you get someone to take that Canadian quarter?
George: I got another meeting with Reilly. A whole new audience, and I bet I can get him to try that line again.
Elaine: Who's Reilly?
Jerry: George was scarfing shrimp at this meeting, and this guy says 'Hey, George, the ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.'
George: Listen to the comeback. (pleased) 'Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you.'
George: (worked up) Wha...You gotta be kidding me?!
Elaine: How 'bout this one? How 'bout, 'Your cranium called. It's got some space to rent.'?
George: (confused) What does that mean?
Jerry: (taps George's chest) Hey, here you go. 'Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. You're due back by six.'
George: (frustrated) No. No, no, no. You're not helping me.
Kramer: Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him.
George: (shouting) I'm not looking for another line. I got the line.
Kramer: Look, George, just think about it. You know, you're married, how would you feel if somebody says to you that they just had se...
George: (really animated) Alright, alright. You see? This is why I hate writing with a large group. Everybody has their own little opinions, and it all gets homogenised, and you lose the whole edge of it. I'm going with jerk store! Jerk store is the line! Jerk store! Yess!
Kramer: (picking the racquet up) Did you take this out of the garbage?
Jerry: Yeah, it's still got some spring in the strings.
Kramer: Oh, Jerry, this is a piece of junk. (drops racquet in the trash) How are you gonna be the executor of my living will?
Kramer: (indicating) You see? You can't let go.
Jerry: Trust me, Kramer. Given the legal opportunity, I will kill you.
Kramer: I wish I could believe you. Hey, Elaine, do you have some free time tomorrow afternoon?
Elaine: Me?
Kramer: Yeah, because you're perfect. You're a calculating, cold-hearted businesswoman. And when there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind stomping on a few throats.
Elaine: (smiling, flattered) Oh, ho, c'mon.
Shellbach: Situation number four. You're breathing on your own, you're conscious, but with no muscular function.
Kramer: Well, would I be able to communicate?
Shellbach: I don't see how.
Elaine: Ach, I don't like the sound of this one.
Kramer: Huhh, yeah, let's pull the cord.
Elaine: Yank it like (pops open soda can) you're starting a mower.
Shellbach: Moving on. You have liver, kidneys and gall bladder, but no central nervous system.
Kramer: Well, I gotta have a central nervous system.
Shellbach: Okay. One lung, blind and you're eating through a tube.
Kramer: Naw, that's not my style.
Elaine: Bore-ing.
Shellbach: Alright, you can eat. But machines do everything else.
Kramer: (hesitant) Uhm...
Elaine: I'd stick.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah. Stick. (to Elaine) 'Cos I could still go to the coffee shop.
Elaine: (points to Kramer and smiles in agreement) That's right.
Jerry: Hello Milos.
Milos: Jerry, thank god you got my message. Thank you so much for coming down here. Uhm, listen...
Jerry: (animated) You know, I spent two hundred dollars on a racquet because I thought you knew what you were talking about.
Milos: I..I...
Jerry: You can't even play.
Milos: Believe me, it is Milos great shame. But Jerry, I could lose my business if anybody find out. How would you like extra year membership of the club? Free. No charge.
Jerry: You could do that?
Milos: Jerry, for you, anything.
Jerry: (indicating the woman) Game, set and match, huh Milos?
Milos: (apologetic) Hah, Jerry, I am so sorry. they tell me there is no way they can do it. (meek) Is there anything else I can do for you? Anything at all. I refund your money.
Jerry: (animated) You know what Milos, I don't even care about the money. I just feel like I was taken by the worst tennis player I...
Milos: Shhh-shhh. (whispers) I make it up to you.
Jerry: (doubtful) Yeah, you'll make it up to me.
Jerry: Tennis, anyone?
Elaine: Oh, this is the one Vincent told me about. The Pain And The Yearning. (reads from the box) 'An old woman experiences pain and yearning.' A hundred and ninety-two minutes?
Kramer: That's a lotta yearning, huh?
Elaine: You know, these movies are great, but they're just so emotionally exhausting.
Kramer: Yeah, well, what you need is some summertime adolescent high jinx.
Elaine: Really?
Kramer: (looking at 'Gene' rack) See what doctor Gene prescribes, huh? (pulls down a cassette) Oh, here, look at that. Weekend At Bernies Two. Now, that's an hilarious premise.
Elaine: (laughs) Huh. (looks from tape to tape) Well...
Kramer: Yeah. (taps the Weekend At Bernie's II box)
Elaine: Yeah, I could use a chuckle.
Kramer: (approving) Yeah.
Elaine: What're you getting?
Kramer: Nothing, I'm gonna finish watching The Other Side Of Darkness.
Elaine: Oh. How much you got left?
Kramer: Yeah, about two hours.
Kramer: Yeah, she shot in that coma pretty quick.
Elaine: (at TV screen) Bernie is dead, you moron! (frustration) Just because he's wearing sunglasses he looks alive?! (picks up video box) Ugh, how long is this weekend, anyway? (reads from label) Ugh!
Elaine: Hello.
Vincent (O.C.): (accusing) How's the movie. Elaine?
Elaine: Vincent?
Vincent (O.C.): (betrayed) The Gene pick. How could you? I thought we had something special.
Elaine: (defensive) No, it doesn't mean anything. I'm not even gonna rewind it.
Elaine: Vincent?
Fred: Alright, let's get to it.
George: Wha..wait a minute, wha..what about Reilly?
Fred: Reilly doesn't work here any more.
George: (surprise) What? I..I didn't hear about that.
Fred: Oh, we only wake you up for the important meetings.
Patty: Hello.
Jerry: Hello. Didn't I see you at the pro shop yesterday?
Patty: I think so. I'm Patty. Milos gave me your address. I hope you don't mind me waiting for you here.
Jerry: (to himself) Hoh, that Milos. (to Patty) Well uh, what shall we do, uhm, care for a cup of coffee?
Patty: Why don't we just go up to your apartment?
Jerry: (surprised) Alright.
Jerry: (to himself) Gotta be an easier way.
Nurse (O.C.): Doctor, how's her coma?
Doctor (O.C.): Oh, exactly the same.
Doctor (O.C.): Wait a minute, she's coming out of the coma.
Doctor (O.C.): Mrs Allbright, can you hear me? Are you okay?
Allbright (O.C.): (bright and cheerful) I feel so rested and refreshed. Get me a toothbrush.
Jerry: So, you play tennis?
Patty: (putting the glass down on the counter) Enough talk, Jerry.
Jerry: Not for me, I love chatting.
Patty: (putting her hand to Jerry's face) Shh.
Patty: (anguished) No! No, I can't do this. (moving away) I can't go through with it. (sitting on the couch) Not even for him!
Jerry: Who?
Patty: (cries) Milos. My husband!
Jerry: (shocked) Your husband?!
George: So concerned was he, that word of his poor tennis skills might leak out, he chose to offer you his wife as some sort of mediaeval sexual payola?
Jerry: (explanation) He's new around here.
George: (hopeful) So, details?
Jerry: (walking away) Well, I didn't sleep with her.
George: Because of society, right?
Jerry: (weary) Yes, George, because of society. So how did the big meeting turn out?
George: Reilly is no longer with the club. (getting up) You believe that?
Jerry: Ah, you're better off. Now you can just let it go.
George: Yeah, I'm gonna let it go.
Jerry: You never really had the right comeback, anyway.
George: (animated) Are you insane? Jerk store, woulda smoked that guy! Smoked him, I say.
Kramer: Hey. Oh, Jerry, listen uh, you know, I saw the rest of that movie, The Other Side Of Darkness? The coma lady wakes up at the end.
George: (frustrated) Ohh, I wanted to see that. (waves his arms in frustration) Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Kramer: I didn't know it was possible to come out of a coma.
Jerry: I didn't know it was possible not to know that.
George (O.C.): (from bathroom) How was Eric Roberts as the husband?
Kramer: (shouting back) Oh, unforgettable.
George (O.C.): (disappointed) Oww.
Kramer: (nervous) I gotta find Elaine. Y'know, she's gonna pull my plug.
Elaine: What? Betrayed? Oh, Vincent, I'm so sorry. I...
Kramer: Yeah, listen, uh, Elaine, I've changed my mind about the whole coma thing. (positive) Yeah, I decided I'm up for it.
Elaine: Kramer, do you have any idea what you've done?
Manager: Excuse me.
Elaine: What're you doing?
Elaine: Wha..wha...?
Manager: Vincent stopped making picks.
Elaine: (upset) Well, how am I gonna know what movies to see?
Manager: We have a wide variety of Gene picks.
Elaine: (dismissive) Gene's trash.
Manager: I'm Gene.
Elaine: (forcing a smile) Hi.
Jerry: Milos, I can assure you, I had no intention of telling anyone about your unbelievably bad tennis playing.
Milos: (not cheered) Thank you, but, unfortunately, I have much larger problems to fry. My wife, she has no respect for Milos anymore.
Jerry: I guess that's a risk you run when you dabble in the flesh trade.
Milos: Patty, she, she loves tennis, as much like I do. (hopeful) Wou..would you, wi..will you let me beat you in tennis? That is the only way I can show her I am still a man.
Jerry: (reluctant) Well, I'll do it as long as there's no other girls around. I mean, I wanna be a man too.
Jerry: So you hurt Vincent's feelings?
Elaine: (handing Jerry an envelope) Look what came in the mail today.
Jerry: (taking the envelope) Wh..What's this?
Elaine: It's the play button, off his VCR.
Jerry: (examining the button) Boy, look how far back it goes. It's like a tooth.
George: (sitting) So, guess where Mr 'Ocean phoned' turned up? He's working for Firestone, in Akron, Ohio.
Elaine: Ohio?
George: Yep. I'm leaving first thing tomorrow morning.
Jerry: (nonplused) You're flying to Akron, just to zing a guy?
George: Don't you understand? It's not about him. To have a line as perfect as 'jerk store' and to never use it. I, I couldn't live with myself.
Elaine: See, there are no jerk stores. It..it's just a little confusing, is all.
George: (adamant) It's smart. It's a smart line, and a smart crowd will appreciate it. (shouting) And, I'm not gonna dumb it down for some bonehead mass audience!
George: (waving apologetically) Not you.
Old Woman (O.C.): Oh, brittle bones. How I long to be rid of the pain.
Elaine: Hello.
Vincent (O.C.): Elaine? It's Vincent.
Elaine: (surprised) Vincent. (pleading) Where are you? I have to meet you.
Vincent (O.C.): No. I can't bear to have anyone see me.
Elaine: Vincent, listen, I won't judge you the way everyone else does. You're, you're strange and beautiful, and sensitive. (blunter) Now, let's have a look at you.
Vincent (O.C.): (relenting) Alright, but, can you bring me few things from the store? I haven't been out in a while.
Kramer: (indicating that cars should pass him) Well, go around, you bunch of crazies. You maniacs are gonna get us all killed.
Secretary: Hi, can I help you?
Kramer: Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm Cosmo Kramer. Yeah, I had an appointment to annul my living will.
Secretary: Oh. (looks at her watch) Mr Kramer, you had a ten-thirty appointment. It's two o'clock. Mr Shellbach had a tennis lesson. He's gone for the day.
Jerry: Too good.
Milos: (triumphant shout) Another game for Milos!! Hahaha!
Jerry: You're on fire today.
Milos: (shouting over) Hey Patty. look at this guy. He's awful!
Milos: (milking it) He's not a man, this Jerry. He's not even married like I am. (laughs) Huhuhuhu.
Jerry: (quietly) Hey, uh, Milos, I don't mind rolling over here, but could you lighten up on the 'not a man' stuff?
Milos: (shouting) Hey everybody, look! The little chicken girl wants me to ease up. He can't handle this, so he cries like a woman! (laughs evilly) Hahaha!
Elaine: Hello? Vincent?
Vincent: Elaine?
Elaine: I got what you asked.
Vincent: Just, leave it and go.
Elaine: W..well, can't I come in?
Vincent: No. Go away. Now.
Elaine: (pleading) No, no. Vincent, I... Don't shut me out. (beseeching) I just, I know you feel what I feel.
Woman: Excuse me. Can I help you?
Vincent: Aw, dammit!
Elaine: (confused) Uh, uhm, I'm, I'm here to see Vincent.
Woman: Well, I'm his mother. (stern) Vincent, what's going on here?
Vincent: (shrieks) No, my acne!
Elaine: Ahh-cnee.
Woman: (regarding the grocery bag) What d'you have here?
Woman: (disapproving) Vodka, cigarettes, fireworks. (accusing) What kind of a sick woman brings this to a fifteen year old?
Elaine: (sick smile) We have the same taste in movies.
Woman: Did he send you part of our VCR?
Elaine: Yeah.
Woman: (entering the apartment) Vincent!
Milos: (pointing and shouting) Look at the big baby! (laughter) Hehaha. (to Jerry) Hey, big baby, are you wetting yourself? Maybe it is time for you to be changed. (laughter) Hahah.
Jerry: (quietly) I told you to cut it out.
Milos: (quietly, to Jerry) Hey, c'mon, what're you doing? (to his audience)
Kramer: (waving) Shellbach.
Kramer: Racquet.
Reilly: So, George. You're proposing a snow tyre day at Yankee Stadium?
George: (through a mouthful) Long as they don't throw 'em on the field. (laughs) Huhu. (indicating dish) Help yourself to some shrimp, I brought enough for everybody.
Mcadam: (doubtful) I have to say this, this proposal doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
George: Well, you never know. (picks up more shrimp) Let's see how many I can fit in my mouth.
Reilly: (leaning forward) You know, George...
Reilly: The ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.
George: (standing) Oh yeah, Reilly? (smugly) Well, the jerk store called. They're running outta you
Reilly: (unperturbed) What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller!
George: Yeah? Well, I had sex with your wife.
Mcadam: His wife is in a coma.
Elaine: (to Jerry) Hi. (indicating Kramer) How's he doing?
Jerry: He's been sleeping a lot. He's still groggy.
Elaine: Oh. (puts the VCR down) I thought a movie might cheer him up. I got him a Gene pick.
Jerry: What happened to Vincent?
Elaine: (evasive) I'm kinda off of him. (looking around) Uh, outlet?
Elaine: Ah.
Kramer: (screaming) Waahhh!!!
George: 'My wife's in a coma.' Yeah? Well, the life support machine called and...
George: (shouts) Wait! Yes! That's what I should've said! (frustration) D'ohh!
George: (cocky laughter) Huh haha! (shouts) You're meat, Reilly! You just screwed yourself! (laughter) Ha ha!


[Setting: A Restaurant]
Ellen: So, they have this clock now, where you punch in your age, and all your risk factors. It actually counts down how much time you have left to live.
Jerry: So what's the great moment? You're on your death bed, they're pounding on your chest - and you're going 10, 9, 8,.. I told you this thing was good!
Ellen: (Laughs) I can't believe this is our first date.
Jerry: I know.. How about dessert?
Ellen: I suppose I have to get a piece of cake..
Jerry: Why?
Ellen: Today's my birthday.
Jerry: What? Today? Really?
Ellen: Yeah.
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
George: So, she went out with you on a first date.. and it was her birthday?
Jerry: Yeah. And she picked the day!
George: Is she socially awkward?
Jerry: No, she's great! She's.. attractive, she's fun..
George: Well, maybe she decided to celebrate her birthday on the Monday after the weekend.
Jerry: She's not Lincoln.
Kramer: Hey! Anybody up for Lorenzo's pizza?
Jerry: I'll pass.
Kramer: Oh, yeah? Huh. (Turns to George) Hey, George! Pizza? Yum, yum!
George: Eh, I can't. I gotta go down to the foundation. I'm interviewing high schoolers for the Susan Ross.. scholarship.
Jerry: Does it ever bother you that this organization-
George: Nope!
Jerry: is beating the bushes-
George: Nope! (Starts heading for the door)
Jerry: to basically give this money away-
George: Noo!
Jerry: to virtually anyone, as long as they're not you?
George: (Standing in the doorway) I'm fine with it! Fi-hi-hi-hine I say! (Leaves)
[Setting: Susan Ross Foundation conference room]
Student 1: And then I received a 740 on the English achievement test. (George looks bored)
George: Quick, what's your favorite animal?
Student 1: I.. I don't know.. frog?
George: (Disappointed) A frog?
Student 1: Well, I.. I..
George: (Annoyed) Frog is wrong.
George: (Reading) I see here that you play the harp.. tell me, why do you have to tilt it? Can't you just build it on an angle? It'd save you a lot of trouble.
Student 2: Well, the modern-day harp has been refined over thousands of years-
George: (Annoyed) Yeah, yeah. We'll, uh, let you know.
George: (Reading) I see your G.P.A's a 4.0.
Student 3: (Smiling gloatingly) You like that, don't you?
George: so, uh, Steven.. I see you're president of the chess club.
Steven: State champs.
George: Who's your favorite chess player?
Steven: (Hesitating, he mumbles) Nastercoff?
George: Right. (Mumbles) Nastercoff.. What country is he from, again?
Steven: (Sighs) I don't know.. I made it up. (Gets up to leave) I'm never gonna get this thing.
George: (Gets up, stopping him) Woah, woah, woah! What are you telling me for? You really had me going, there! C'mon, sit down. (They both sit back down) What do you want to do when you grow up?
Steven: I've been telling people that I'd like to be an architect..
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Elaine: So, get this Mister Peterman is finally letting me do some real writing. He's got this book deal, for his autobiography. He's gonna let me ghost write it.
Jerry: Wow. That's great! When it comes out, I'll have to get someone to ghost read it.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Elaine: Hey!
Kramer: Alright, so there I am at Lorenzo's - loading up my slice of the fixin's bar.. garlic, (imitates the shaking of garlic onto a pizza) and what-not.. mmm, mmm.. and I see this guy over at the pizza boxes giving me the stink-eye. (Imitates the 'stink-eye') So I give hime the crook-eye back, (Imitates the 'crook-eye') you know.. Then, I notice that he's not alone! I'm taking on the entire Van Buren Boys!
Jerry: The Van Buren Boys? There's a street gang named after President Martin Van Buren?
Kramer: Oh yeah, and they're just as mean as he was! So, I make a move to the door, you know, (makes a noise) they block it! So, I lunged for the bathroom. (demonstrates) I grab the knob - Occupado! Then they back me up agains the cartoon map of Italy, and all of the sudden, they just stop.
Elaine: What? What happened?
Kramer: Because I'm still holding the garlic shaker.. Yeah.. like this (grabs Jerry's peper shaker, and demonstrates) I'm only showing eight fingers.
Jerry: Well, what does that mean?
Kramer: That's their secret sign! See, Van Buren, he was teh eighth President.. (Holds up 8 fingers) They thought I was a former Van B. Boy!
[Setting: Outside a coffee shop]
Ellen: (Sees a pay phone) Oh, Jerry, can you hold on a sec? I just want to check my messages.. (She meets up with two of her friends on the way to the phone) Oh, Melissa! Kim!
Melissa: Ellen.
Ellen: Hey! You guys, I want you to meet Jerry. (Gestures tward Jerry, then goes back to the phone)
Melissa: Ohh, we've heard a lot about you! (Confidentially) It is so sweet of you to take her out.
Kim: Yeah, you don't even know how much she needs this.
Jerry: (Sympathetically) She coming of a bad break-up?
Kim: (Casually) No.
Melissa: See ya!
Jerry: Any messages?
Ellen: Yeah, no one called.
[Setting: Coffee shop]
Jerry: They act like it was some act of charity. Just going out with her.
George: So, she's the loser of the group. Every group has someone that they all make fun of.. Like us with Elaine. (Jerry thinks about this, then shakes it off)
Jerry: There is no way Ellen is the loser of that group.
George: Are you looking deep down at the real person underneath?
Jerry: No, I'm being as superficial as I possibly can!
George: (Changing subject) Hey, I htink I may have found someone for the scholarship.
Jerry: Yeah?
George: I'm interviewing all these annoying little overachievers.. finally, this kid walks in - Steven Koren - a regular guy.. likes sports.. watches T.V..
Jerry: Is he smart?
George: (Defensively) He knows how to read. And he also knows finishing an entire book doesn't prove anything. And get this he's into architecture.
Jerry: Hey! Just like you pretend to be.
George: Yes. With a little guidance, Steven Koren is going to be everything I claim to be, only for real. That's my dream, Jerry.
Jerry: I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me!
[Setting: J. Peterman's apartment]
Elaine: Mister Peterman, thanks for having me over. Your place isn't quite what I imagined.. (It's plain, with no sign of Peterman's personality)
Peterman: Ohhh.. It's just a place to flop. (Sits in his recliner)
Elaine: Well, (Clears throat) what part of your life (hits the record button on a mini-recorder, and sets it down on the table) do you want to start with? Foreign intrigue? Exotic romances?
Peterman: Oh, Elaine, we've covered all of that in the catalogue ad nauseum. No, I would like this book to be about my day-to-day life.
Elaine: Oh.
Peterman: (Turns on the T.V, and starts flipping through the channels) Oh damn. They changed the cable stations again.. just when I finally memorized them.
Elaine: Well, Mister Peterman, do you want to, um..
Peterman: (Still flipping through the channels) 2.. CBS..
Elaine: get, um, started..
Peterman: 3.. I don't know what that is.. where's my damn preview channel?
Elaine: (After observing Peterman's home life) Well, I - I got ta tell you, Mister Peterman.. I don't think I see a whole book here.
Peterman: well, I'm sure we'll come up with something. What do you say you and I order ourselves a pie? Do you like Lorenzo's?
Elaine: You know, a friend of mine almost got beat up at that place by the Van Buren Boys?
Peterman: (Interested) You don't say.
Elaine: Yeah. The only think that saved him is that he accidentally flashed their secret gang sign.
Peterman: Well, that's pretty exciting. (Pause) Let's put that in the book.
Elaine: But, that didn't happen to you.
Peterman: So, we pay off your friend, and it becomes a Peterman.
Elaine: No, I - I really don't think you can do that.
Peterman: (Looking at his dying plant) Ohh, damn. I forgot to buy plant food again.. I'll bet I got a coupon for it. (Starts looking through a small coupon box)
Elaine: You know what? Maybe I better talk to my friend.
[Setting: Coffee shop]
Jerry: Is that the same outfit you were wearing yesterday?
Ellen: No, this is brand new. Do you like it?
Jerry: Actually, yeah. (Pause) Wait a second! Is that the fork that fell on the floor?! (Dramatically) Are you using the fork that fell on the floor?!
Ellen: (Laughs) No, Jerry, the waitress game be another one.
Jerry: I guess that's all right.
Ellen: Is something wrong, Jerry?
Jerry: No, absolutely nothing. (They get up to leave) You're fantastic! (They meet up with Kramer and George on the way out) Hey guys!
George: Hey.
Jerry: (Gesturing to Ellen) Kramer, George, this is Ellen.
[Setting: Susan Ross Foundation conference room]
George: Ladies and gentlemen, this (Opens the door, Steven is standing there) is Steven Koren. His G.P.A. is a solid 2.0! Right in that meaty part of the curve - not showing off, not falling behind.
Wyck: George, the quailifications for this scholarship were suppose to be.. largely academic.
George: I'm sure we're all aware of the flaws and biases of standardized tests..
Wyck: These aren't standardized tests - these are his grades.
George: Besides, Steven Koren has the highest of aspirations. He wants to be (pauses for effect) an architect.
Wyck: Is that right?
Steven: Actually, maybe I could set my sights a little bit higher.
George: (Laughs) Steven, nothing is higher than an architect.
Steven: I think I'd really like to be a city planner. (Sits down, addressing the entire foundation board) Why limit myself to just one building, when I can design a whole city?
Wyck: Well, that's a good point.
George: (Mutters) No, it's not.
Steven: Well, isn't an architect just an art school drop-out with a tilty desk, and a big ruler? (Laughs - so do the board members)
George: (Irritated) It's called a T-square.
Wyck: You know, the stupidest guy in my fraternity became an architect - after he flunked out of dental school! (Everyone but George laughs) Contratulations, young man. (Shakes Steven's hand)
Steven: Thank you.
Wyck: Susan would be proud of what you're doing.
Steven: Thank you.
[Setting: Peterman's office]
Kramer: And they made it their sign, because, Van Buren, our 8th President, was the man they most admired.
Peterman: (Laughs) Kramer, my friend, that is one ripping good yarn.. (Hands Kramer a check)
Kramer: You know, if you like that one, I got more.. what are you looking for? Romance? Comedy? Adventue? .. Erotica? (Clicks his tongue)
Elaine: No, uh, Kramer. I don't think -
Peterman: (Interrupting) How much would you take for the whole lot?
Kramer: My whole lot?
Peterman: Name your price, man!
Kramer: (Thinks) 1500 dollars.
Peterman: I'll give you half that.
Kramer: (Excited) Done!
Peterman: Kramer, my friend, (Gestures to Elaine) consider Elaine at your disposal.
Kramer: Okay.. (To Elaine) Well, I, Uh.. I like to work in the evenings.. (Elaine slumps back, and covers her head in misfortune)
[Setting: Elaine's office]
Elaine: Would you please just get on with the stupid Bob Saccamano story?!
Kramer: Well, I'm on the phone with Bob, and I realize right then and there that I need to return this pair of pants. So, I'm off to the store.
Elaine: What happened to Bob Saccamano?
Kramer: Well, nothing. His part of the story is done. (Elaine covers her face with her hands - showing her difficulty coping with Kramer) So I'm waiting for the subway, It's not coming, so I decided to hoof it through the tunnel.
Elaine: Alright, well, now that's something..
Kramer: Well, I don't know if I lost track of time - or what, but the next think I knew..
Elaine: (Adding) A train is bearing down on you?!
Kramer: No, I slipped - and fell in the mud. Ruining the very pants I was about to return.
Elaine: (Reflects on the story) I don't understand.. you were wearing the pants you were returning?
Kramer: Well, I guess I was..
Elaine: (Still confused) What were you gonna wear on the way back?
Kramer: Elaine, are you listening?! I didn't even get there! (Pauses) All right, next story..
Elaine: Alright, I think I got enough for one day.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, chew on that.
Elaine: (Mocking) Yeah, I'll chew on that.
Kramer: Oh, hey, listen, by the way - I'm hosting a little get-together tonight in honor of my little financial upturn..
Elaine: Oh, thanks. I've got plans.
Kramer: Elaine, you should be there to document it.
Elaine: (Putting on her coat) Oh, you're getting together with some of your jackass friends, and you want me to take notes?
Kramer: Yeah, but get there after nine. You know, give the poeple a chance to loosen up.
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: So you're denying him the scholarship just because he wants to be a city planner?
George: I was betrayed! That kid was like a son to me. And if there's one person you should be able to hold down, it's your own flesh and blood. Like my father.. my father's father before him.
Jerry: You know, maybe philanthropy is not your field. (Phone rings, he answers it) Hello. Oh, Hi, Ellen. Yeah, I called the hotel.. we're all set for the weekend.
George: You're spending the weekend with Ellen?
Jerry: (To George, in a 'cha-ching!' motion) Vermont! (To Ellen) With any luck, they said we could stay an extra couple of days if we want to! (George is disturbed. He gets up, goes go Kramer's door, and knocks. They talk) Four days at a beautiful bed-and-breakfast! I can't wait.. buy-bye. (Hangs up. George and Kramer come into Jerry's apartment, confronting him) What? (George takes the phone off the hook) What is this?
George: (To Kramer) You want to start?
Kramer: (To George) Uh, No, no, no.. you go ahead. I gotta get my thoughts together.
George: Jerry, this whole Ellen situation.. has gone far enough.
Jerry: What?!
Kramer: (Adding) Jerry, she's a loser. (George points to Kramer - gesturing that he's right on target)
Jerry: Where is this coming from? She's great!
George: (Concerned) Why're you doing this, Jerry? Is it your career? Things will pick up.
Jerry: There's nothing wrong with my career!
Kramer: (Like a parent) Well, I still like the Bloomingdale's executive training program for him.
George: I though we said we weren't going to discuss that now!
Kramer: Well, you know, I think it's something he should consider.
George: Of course he should consider it, but now is not the time!
Kramer: Listen, George, all these issues are interrelated.
Jerry: (Fed up) Alright! Excuse me! (Gets up) I'm not buying any of this!
Kramer: All right, so what're you saying? That we're wrong? Oh, everybody's wrong but you!
Jerry: You know, this is liek that Twilight Zone where the guy wakes up, and he's the same - but everyone else is different!
Kramer: Which one?
Jerry: They were all like that!
[Setting: NYC Street]
Steven: Why'd you take away my scholarship, Mister Costanza?
George: Well, Steven, I, uh.. (All the sudden, a small gang steps out of nowhere, surrounding George)
Steven: These are my new friends - The Van Buren Boys.
Member 1: He became so disillusioned, he had to join us.
George: Oh.. nice.
Steven: I want my scholarship back, so I can be a city planner.
George: What about architect, Steven?
Member 1: (Moves threateningly close to George) City planner.
[Setting: Cafe]
Friend 1: Great party, K-man!
Kramer: Yeah, well, you got that straight! (Turns to Elaine) Hey, Elaine, try the beef - because that's realy au jus sauce, huh. (Dramatically) Real au jus sauce!
Elaine: (Sourly) I'll make a note of it.
Friend 1: Hey, Kramer,
Kramer: Yeah?
Friend 1: Ramirez has never heard your pants story.
Kramer: Ohh kay! Well, you know, I had Bob Saccamano on the phone, and I suddenly realized that I- (Elaine stops him)
Elaine: You can't tell that story now. It belongs to Peterman.
Kramer: What do ya mean?
Elaine: You signed the release.
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: He sat in mud. Not you.
Kramer: But I did sit in mud.
Elaine: (Stern) Ya didn't! You never sat in mud!
Kramer: (Pleading) I was all dirty!
Elaine: It ever happened! Understand?
Kramer: (To crowd) Hey, hey, hey! All right! Yeah, uh, yeah.. well.. Uh, the pants. they, uh, they fit, uh, well - and so I, uh, decided I wasn't gonna return them! (Laughs) Wooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Friend 1: It's getting late. Maybe we better get going. (They all get up to leave)
Kramer: What? You're gonna go now? Hey, woah! I don't.. (watches his friends leave)
Kramer: (Frantic) Kramer, Kramer! I got big trouble with the - with the Van Buren Boys.
Kramer: Hey, now, they're tough cookies.
George: Yeah, and I - I heard you got on their good side. Now, what'd you do?
Kramer: Uh.. ah, (Looks over at Elaine, and realizes he can't tell the Van Buren Boys story) Oh, nothing - nothing.. No, I certainly don't have any stories, if that's what you're implying. (Laughs heartily)
George: (Frantic) Kramer, do you know what those guys are gonna do to me?!
Kramer: Yeah, well, uh.. you know uh, you didn't hear from me, but, uh, the Van Buren Boys - they never hassle their own kind.
George: You mean, like, a former member?
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Elaine: These Kramer stories are unusable! (Thumbs through them) I mean, some of them aren't even stories! (Holds one out) Look, this is a list of things in his apartment!
Jerry: Is my toaster oven on there?
Elaine: How am I ever gonna turn this into a book?
Jerry: Well, just shape them - change them. You're a writer.
Elaine: Yes! I'm a writer.
Jerry: Make them interesting.
Elaine: Interesting! Of course! People love interesting writing!
Jerry: Well, I gotta go to the airport. I'm picking up my parents.
Elaine: What? Wheren't they just here?
Jerry: Yeah. I'm flying them in to meet Ellen. I don't know where to turn! I gotta see what they think of her.
Elaine: Maybe we could all have dinner later?
Jerry: I don't think so. I'm gonna try to get them to fly right back tonight.
Kramer: Oh, hey! Hey, have I told you about my bunions? Oh, you're gonna love this story! (Rubs his hands together) So, I line up my cold cuts on the couch next to me, but as I'm stacking them up, they keep falling into my foot bath! (Jerry and Elaine look disgusted)
Jerry: Kramer, this is awful! We don't want to hear about this!
Kramer: Damn!
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Oh, I bought a bunch of bunion stories from Newman - but they all stink!
Elaine: How much did you pay for them?
Kramer: Eight bucks! I think I got ripped off! (Leaves, yelling out "Newman!")
[Setting: Peterman's office]
Elaine: Oh, what didn't you like about the first chapter?
Peterman: Well, it started out nicely "I'm returning some pants." A very identifiable problem.. (turns page) "I set of down a train tunnel.".. (turns page) But that's where the story takes a most unappealing turn.
Elaine: Oh, no, no! That's where it gets interesting! Don't you see? The - the train is bearing down on you, you - you dive into a side tunnel - and you run into a whole band of underground tunnel dwellers!
Peterman: It just seems so cliched, and obvious. It's not interesting writing.
Elaine: Yeah.. yeah. I know. Um.. how about if, instead of.. diving from the train, you.. uh, you, I don't know, you slip and, and fall in some mud, and.. ruin your pants?
Peterman: (Intrigued) The very pants I was returning. That's perfect irony! Elaine, that is interesting writing! (The intercom beeps)
Secretary: I have a Cosmo Kramer on line 4.
Peterman: (Picks up the phone) Peterman, here.
Kramer: Mister Peterson, you gotta sell me my stories back!
Peterman: You want to know something? I no longer need them!
Elaine: No, no. Mister Peterman, why don't we keep them - as a, as a reference?
Peterman: Nonsense! (To Kramer) I have Benes' woderfully imaginative mind to spin my stories. You take back your tales, you vagabond!
Kramer: Yippie-yi-yay!
Peterman: (Hangs up) There you are, Elaine. Go forth, and create. (Elaine gets up to leave) And, by the way, when you get to that chapter about my romantic escapades - feel free to toss yourself in the mix.
[Setting: NYC Street]
George: Hey, Van B. Boys.
Steven: So, Mister Costanza, did you get my scholarship back?
George: Now, fellas, fellas.. easy. You wouldn't want to beat up on one of your own.
Member 2: Is that right? Then why don't you flash us the sign?
George: Right.. the sign. (Hesitates, then makes a series of stupid gestures)
Steven: That's not the sign.
George: (Defensively loud) It was when I was banging!
Member 2: All right, if you really are one of us.. let's see you take the wallet off the next guy who walks by.
George: Love to! (Cracks his knuckles, then winces under the pain)
[Setting: Coffee shop]
Ellen: And after college, I got my masters at the Sorbonne.
Morty: Sorbonne? Oh, hey. (To Helen) That's in Paris.
Ellen: (Looks at her watch) Oh, Jerry, you're parking meter's about to expire. Don't get up, I've got change. (Leaves with her purse)
Jerry: (To his parents) So? What do you think?
Helen: Jerry, she's fantastic.
Jerry: I knew it! I'm not crazy.
Helen: She's so sweet, and she's got some body on her!
Morty: And smart! Like a computer!
Helen: And so much personality! But, it doesn't matter what we think. Do you like her?
Jerry: (After seeing how much his parents like her) Now, I'm not so sure.
Helen: Well, she's 10 times better than that awful Amber girl that you were with.
Jerry: yeah, Amber.. I wonder if she's back from Vegas..
[Setting: NYC Alley]
Member 2: The next one, or you're meat!
George: Alright, alright! (Goes out onto the sidewalk. The Seinfelds walk by) Seinfelds!
Morty: Hey, George!
George: Shhh! Listen, you gotta do me a favor. Give me your wallet. I'll give it back to you later.
Morty: How're your folks?
George: Eh, they're trying to pick out a new couch - you don't want to know. (Remembering the watching Van Buren Boys) Give me your wallet, or I'll spill your guts right here on the street!
Morty: What did you say?
George: Come on, hurry up, old man! I'm an animal!
Helen: You're being very rude. Come on, Morty.
George: (Pleading) Please, please, they're gonna hit me! (Attempts to grab Helen's purse, she starts hitting George defensively, he backs off)
Morty: Tell your parents we said 'Hi!' (They leave)


Kramer: Look how dark it's gettin' already.
Jerry: Well, it's not Daylight Savings Time yet.
Kramer: When does it start?
Jerry: (pause) I don't know, they just tell you the night before.
Kramer: Uh. Well, I'm sick o' waiting. (pulls out his pocket-watch (it has a chain, too)) I am springin' ahead riiight now.
Jerry: (under breath) Oh, I'm sure that won't cause any problems..
Jerry: Oh, god, it's Mike Moffit..
Kramer: Oh now, don't tell me you're still mad at him for calling you a phony. Jerry, that was five years ago!
Jerry: I'm not a phony an' I don't want anything to do with this guy.
Kramer: Hey! Mike!
Mike: (sees and is enthused, coming over) Kramer! Jerry! How's it goin'?!
Jerry: Fine. An' I'm not just sayin' that..
Mike: Guess what? I just started my own business. I'm a bookie!
Jerry: No openings in arson?
Mike: (pauses, struck by J's attitude) Either of you guys wanna place a bet I'm your guy.
Kramer: (quickly) Ah no no no. No bets for me, I uh, I got a disease.
Jerry: I'm feelin' a bit queasy myself. Maybe I'll see you in another five years. (casually leaves)
Mike: Kramer. Jerry still mad about that "phony" thing?
Kramer: You kidding? It's all water near a bridge.
Mike: Hey, what time you got?
Kramer: (pulling out his timepiece) Oh yes. Uh.. it's aaalmost six.
Mike: Whoa-uh-I'm really late. (leaves)
Elaine: Oh! These designs look great! Peggy, you really saved me.
Peggy: Oh, it was no problem.
Elaine: (leaving with the drawings) Mr. Peterman is gonna love 'em.
Peggy: (focusing on her work) Thanks, Susie.
Elaine: You won't believe this but, as I'm leaving, she calls me "Susie."
Jerry: I don't see you as a Susie. Sharon maybe.
Elaine: What am I, a-a bulimic, chain-smoking, stenographer from Staten Island?
Jerry: Who are you describing?
Elaine: Someone I know.
Jerry: Named Sharon?
Elaine: I'd rather not say.
George: Hey.
Elaine: (to say hello) Mmm! What's in the bag?
George: (sitting) Newww tuxedo. For the Pinstripe Ball. Steinbrenner is throwing a huge party at Tavern on the Green, heh!
Jerry: Kind of a Yankee prom?
George: (resentfully dampened) It's not a prom. It's a Ball.
Jerry: You taking Allison?
George: Yes, of course I'm taking Allison. This woman is genetically engineered to go to a ball. Tall, blonde, lithe-
Jerry: Live?
Elaine: Lithe.
George: Live?
Elaine: (rolling her eyes) Lithe!
Jerry: Oh, lithe!
Elaine: Well, you two'll have a great time there.
Jerry: It can't be worse than this.
Elaine: Mmm!
George: An' wait'll you see the dress that she's got. It's backless! Uh?! I'm finally gonna make a Great Entrance!
Elaine: Backless? Ya gonna back her in?
George: Elaine, when a woman makes a Ball Entrance.. she twirls.
Elaine: She's not gonna twirl-
George: She'll Twirl.
George: That is what Mr. Steinbrenner wants. He wants, everyone, ta, twirl around.
Allison: (weary) All right.
George: Hey! Uh-listen-did you get your-uh-boss's Knick ticket, for Kramer?
Allison: (digging in purse) Yeah, uh-here. (hands him ticket)
George: Oh! Great!
Allison: Uh. Say, George-
George: Woo! Courtside! (mock-snide) Is that the best you could do? Ha ha!
Allison: (sitting) George. We need to talk.
George: What?
Allison: I really, think we need to talk.
George: (pause) Uh-oh.
Jerry: She wants to talk.
George: She doesn't Want to talk, she needs to talk.
Jerry: Nobody needs to talk.
George: Who would Want to. She tried to end it with me, Jerry.
Jerry: What'd ya do?
George: I told her I was out o' soda, I went out to get some, an' I never went back.
Jerry: (pause) All night?!
George: Yeah, I slept at my parents' house.
Jerry: And she wants to break up with you..
George: Ha! (snort) Can you believe it? (amused) I'm supposed to be havin' lunch with her right now at Pomodoro.
Jerry: Uh-oh. "Everybody breaks up at Pomodoro's."
George: So? What'm I gonna do?
Jerry: You really like this girl.
George: No. I like the ball! This is my One Chance to make a Great Entrance! My whole life! I have never made a great entrance!
Jerry: You've made some Fine Exits.
George: (admitting) All right..
Jerry: So what do you do? You can't keep avoiding her.
George: (resolved) Why not. (determined) If she can't find me, she can't break up with me. And, if we're still goin' out, she has to gooo to the ballll.
Kramer: (suddenly entering) Hey, oh-listen. Did you get my ticket from Allison-
George: Yeah, yeah, right here. (hands it to him)
Kramer: All right! Yeah.. Courtside.. Whoa! Don't let this girl get away..
George: (clipping on shades) Ha.. She'll have to find me first. (leaving)
Kramer: (All right.) (to Jerry) Ah? Oh, by the way you owe Mike a hundred dollars.
Jerry: What for?
Kramer: Well I put a bet down for ya on tonight's game. Yeah, if the Knicks beat the Pacers by more than thirty-five? It pays ten to one. Oo-oo! That's some sweet action!
Jerry: But I don't want any "sweet action."
Kramer: Well, I couldn't do it I got a gamblin' problem.
Jerry: So you put down my money?!
Kramer: (impatient sigh) You don't have a problem.
Jerry: Not (with) that, no..
Peggy: Susie. Susie!
Elaine: (coming in) Uh.. Hi, Peggy. Um.. Look, I should have said this yesterday, but-
Peggy: Did you get this memo from Elaine Benes?
Elaine: Yeah. See that-
Peggy: (preoccupied) You know, it's amazing Peterman hasn't fired that dolt. She practically ran the company into the gro-ound.
Elaine: Well. Well, I thought she did a pretty good Job..
Peggy: I heard she was a disaster, Suze-
Elaine: (testy, leans into Peggy's personal space) Look-it. It's not Suze. All right? It's Su-zie. My name, is Su-zie!
George: (on tape, singing) "Believe it or not, George, isn't at home, please leave a mes-saaage at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the pho-one. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not hooome." (beep)
Jerry: George, pick up. I know you're screening for Allison.
George: (answers phone, good mood) Hey.
Jerry: So, coffee shop?
George: No, I can't. She knows I go there. It's not secure. (the call waiting beeps) Hey, I got another call comin' in. I gotta let the machine get it. Bye. (hangs up)
George: (on tape, singing) "Believe it or not, George, isn't at home, please leave a mes-saaage at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the pho-one. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not hooome." (beep)
Allison: (on phone machine, peeved) George? Are you there? (muttering) I hate that stupid message. (terse) I know you're avoiding me, I'm at the office, please call me, I've gotta talk to you. (hangs up)
George: (to phone) Hi, Allison? Oh, I guess you're not at home.. I probably should 'ave tried you at the office. Anyway, good to hear from ya, really looking forward to the ball.. (hangs up and happily chuckles) Ha ha!
Elaine: Can you believe this woman?
Jerry: (ironic outrage) The nerve. Talkin' about ya behind your back-and right to your face!
Elaine: No. "Suze!" I mean, "Suzie!" "Suzanne!" "Suzanna." Fine! But there is no, way, I'm gonna be a Suze.
Jerry: No. No Suze.
Elaine: (tense) I mean-what am I-some pom-pom-wavin' Backseat Bimbo?!
Jerry: Who are you describin'?
Elaine: Someone I know!
Jerry: Named Suze?
Elaine: No, still Sharon!
Kramer: (comes in, subdued) Hey. (grabs a water from refrigerator)
Jerry: Hey, I thought you went to the game.
Kramer: No. I was kicked out for fightin' with one of the players. (leaving)
Jerry: Wait. Way-way-way-way-way-way-wait! Who?!
Kramer: (stops) W-Reggie Miller.
Elaine: Cheryl Miller's brother?
Kramer: Yeah. (leaving)
Jerry: Hey-hey-hey-wait, wait, wait, wait! What happened!
Kramer: (stops again) Well, first of all, for some reason, they started the game an hour Late. And uh, I was sittin' next to Spike Lee an' he an' Reggie were jawin' at each other, so I guess I got involved. (leaving)
Elaine: (same time as Jerry) -Wait, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!-
Jerry: Well-wait-wait-wait-wait! What do you mean "involved"?!
Kramer: (stops again) Well I.. ran out onto the court an' threw a hotdog at Reggie Miller. "Involved." An' they threw meee, an' Reggie, an' Spike out o' the game.
Elaine: So that's it?
Kramer: Well I, well I, felt, pretty bad about everything an' uh, then the three of us, we went to a strip club. (leaves)
Jerry: Can you believe that?
Elaine: I didn't know Cheryl Miller's brother played basketball.
Kramer: (suddenly comes back, excited) The Knicks killed 'em a hundred an' ten to seventy three!
Jerry: What-of course, without Reggie Miller, it's a blowout!
Kramer: No, Jerry-that's thirty-seven points! The Knicks covered! You won! See, that's a cooool-G, Daddy-O-now you gotta let it riiiide!
Jerry: On what?!
Kramer: (real addict) Ah, come-on, Jerry-I don't wanna lose this feeling. Hey-let's go down to the O.T.B. We'll put some money on the ponies. (getting out pocket-watch)
Jerry: Yeah, all right.
Kramer: (looking at watch) Ssssh-ah! They just closed!
Jerry: (not) Oh. Too Bad.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman? You wanted to see me?
Peterman: Apparently Peggy-down in Design?-got into a liiiittle bit of a Tiff yesterday with somebody named, "Susie"?
Elaine: Su-sie?
Peterman: Yes. Between you, me and the lamppost. And the desk. Peggy says this "Suze" isn't much of a Worker.
Elaine: (nit) It's Susie.
Peterman: Nevertheless, Elaine. The House, of Peterman is in Disorder. First thing tomorrow morning I want to see you, Peggy, and, Susie right here, in my office.
Elaine: (dismayed) Ah, all o'-all of us?
Kramer: Allison. Hi. Uh-listen I'm really sorry about what happened at the game last night. Listen-could I have a ticket tonight-'cause the Rockets are in town an' that, Hakeem Olajuwon? Ohhh-he's got a real attitude.
Allison: Kramer? Have you seen George, around? I can't get a hold of him.
Kramer: Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, he-uh-visits the guy across the hall from me like every ten minutes.
Allison: Oh yeah?
Jerry: (singing) Believe it or not, Geooorge isn't at home.
Mike: (comes up) Hey. Jerry.
Jerry: Hey Mike.. How 'bout those Knicks?
Mike: (a little anxious) Yeah! How 'bout 'em? Ha ha. Look, Jerry. I can't pay you.
Jerry: Why not?
Mike: 'Cause I don't have the money..
Jerry: Mike. You say you're a bookie? You take a bet an' then you can't pay? I don't know, Mike, to me it sounds a little, how you say.. "Phony"?
Mike: Just give me 'til Friday. Please. Please!
Jerry: You know, you're supposed to be the Bookie. Act like one.
Mike: I'm sorry. Uh-oh here-let me give you a hand with that.
Jerry: (trying to shut the trunk hood) Something wrong with this trunk.
Mike: Oh. Let me see.
George: So-ah, Kramer. Why'd you ask me out to dinner? (amused) An' why Pomodoro?
Kramer: (quiet, delicately) Allison spoke to me, and um. She wanted me to speak to you.
George: (quiet) Uh-oh.
Kramer: We all know that this relationship isn't working. So Allison an' I think that the best thing to do is just.. make a, clean break.
George: Can't we discuss this?
Kramer: (reasoning) We just don't think you're ready for a serious relationship!
George: (dismayed) I didn't even know you wanted to get serious!
Kramer: (dismayed) So what am I in this for? You know, I'm getting to a point in my life where I need something more than just.. a good time. (is tearing up)
George: (pause) Are you?
Kramer: Wha-me? No! No. But she is.
George: I, I can't believe this is happening!
Kramer: George, we're sorry.
George: Krama. Please.
Kramer: (leaves, upset) Waaa-aa-aa! I'm sorry-
Elaine: (entering, uneasy) Mr. Peterman, Peggy, I.. guess we, should just get this over with. (sits)
Peterman: Just Hold On a minute. Still One Short.
Elaine: Oh. No, we're not-
Peggy: Susie has been very rude to me.
Peterman: Well, Elaine, has nothing but Good things to say about Susie.
Elaine: Look. (engaging smile) We don't have to name names, or, point fingers, or.. (breathes in) name names! (indicating empty chair) Me and her, have had our problems. She and I have had our problems! You and I, and she and you-
Peterman: Don't you drag me into this! This is between you and her, and her. (indicating empty chair)
Elaine: Yes! And I am convinced that if she were here with us today, she would agree with me, too.
Peterman: Who.
Elaine: (uh-oh) Her?
Peterman: Where is she?!
Elaine: Ah-this is part of the problem!
Peggy: Iiii thought I was, part of this problem.
Elaine: (smiling, convincing) You're a, huuge part of the problem. But, I think that at it's core, this is a Susie-and-Elaine problem that requires, a Susie-and-Elaine solution! And, who better to do that than.. Elaine and Susie! Susie and Elaine!
Peterman: Well, now that we have that cleared up.. why don't the three of us have lunch.
Elaine: (feigning hearing something) What?! Oh! Oh, I'm, coming! I-I gotta go. (rushes out!)
Peterman: She is The Best. What was your name again.
Kramer: Mike's outside. He wants to talk to you.
Jerry: Well why doesn't he just come in?
Kramer: Because he's scared, Jerry.
Jerry: Why is he scared.
Kramer: (sighs, opens door) Come on in. Did you do this? (Mike has two hand casts on)
Jerry: Yeah, but-
Kramer: Uh-ah-ah! You broke his thumbs.
Jerry: It was an accident.
Kramer: Oh, is that what you call it when, Somebody doesn't Pay Up?
Mike: (desperate) I'll get you the money, Jerry. I got a hundred dollars in my front pocket if you want to, reach in an' take it!
Jerry: (hands up) I don't want it that way.
Kramer: Nuh! Okay Jerry, how about if Mike fixes your truuunk, we call it even, an' this way, nobody has to get hurt.
Jerry: (whatever) Fine..
Mike: Oh-uh-thank you, Jerry, thank you! I won't forget this, I'm gonna fix your trunk good-real good!
Kramer: See that was nice, Jerry. (under breath) Oh, by the way, I'm the one who broke your trunk.
Jerry: Ah, it's just a car.
George: Hi.
Kramer: (looking down, nodding) Hi.
George: It's, funny runnin' into you here.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah..
George: (embarrassed/self-conscious about his gut) Do I? Thanks.. You too..
Kramer: Ooo, yeah.. (indicating his face, embarrassed) (Heh, right.) You know, it's gettin' kind of late, I, I really have to be going, so, uh, it's nice seeing you again, all right-
George: (sad) Yeah! Yeah. Hey-hey you, you know.. Maybe I'll call you sometime.
Kramer: George, it's over. It's just.. It's Over. (leaves)
George: (pause) What do you think, Jerry.
Jerry: (wistful) I don't know, I just see you guys together.
Mike: Thumbs!
Mike: (from inside the trunk) Oh! Help! Somebody, help! Help!
Jerry: So Peterman bought it? I can't believe you got away with that!
Elaine: Well, I'm very fortunate to be surrounded by such stupidity.
Jerry: Yeah, I know how you feel.
Elaine: Do you hear something?
Jerry: What?
Jerry: Oh, the trunk's broken, it's rattling.
Elaine: Jerry, I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. They're starting to give Susie assignments now!
Jerry: Well, there's only one thing to do. Eliminate her.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: (firmly matter-of-fact) Get Rid of Susie. Make her disappear.
Elaine: I kinda like her.
Jerry: She's Gooone.
Elaine: Jerry-
Jerry: (impatient) Gone! (starts maniacally laughing) (briefly stops to point and explain) That bumper sticker.
Mike: (desperately anxious) Oh God, I'm in trouble..
George: Krama. Open up! I-I know you're in there!
Kramer: (opens door) Uh-George, uh-uh-it's five o'clock in the morning, what's the matter with you..
George: (sad) It's only four..
Kramer: Huh?
George: I-I've been, walkin' around all night.. I've been thinkin' about Allison and me.. an' you-
Kramer: Oh. Oh, George.
George: Please. Give me another chance.
Kramer: (regretfully) Uh.. I know I'm gonna regret this. (sigh) All right.
George: (grateful, relieved) Thank you! I'm gonna make you both so happy!
Kramer: All right, all right, I'll see ya later. (shuts door)
George: (delighted!) Woooo!
Peterman: Elaine! Where's Susie? I want her to head up our new Fingerless Glove Division.
Elaine: (quiet) Oh, but I thought I was in line for that assignment.
Peterman: Mmmmm-nah.
Elaine: All right, then, I was gonna wait, to tell ya this, but.. last night, Susie.. (difficult subject, quiet) she took her own Life..
Kramer: (happy, enthused) We're takin' George back-
Allison: What?!
Kramer: He's gonna make us very happy.
Elaine: (quiet) Look at this turnout.
Jerry: (quiet) Where did Susie find the time to meet all these people..
Elaine: (irritated) Your funeral's not gonna come close to this.
Peggy: (to herself) Oh my god! (quiet) Susie?
Elaine: (quiet) Oh, oh-ho-I'm not Susie.. I'm Elaine.
Peggy: But I've been calling you Susie.
Elaine: Oh! Hadn't noticed! Excuse me. (she's going to the podium)
Peggy: I guess I never met Susie.
Jerry: (privately amused) Suze? I actually had a little thing with her for a while. (indicating Elaine) Her too.
Elaine: What can you say about a girl like Susie? (she doesn't know..)
Kramer: Hey.
George: Where's uh, where's Allison..
Kramer: Oh, Allison, she didn't want to come.
George: But you took me back.
Kramer: Well, yeah, I did, but she's a tough nut. How d'ya like the tuxedo. It's a rental but I've had it for fifteen years. All right, eh. (heading in)
George: Where are you goin'..
Kramer: The Ball, silly.
George: (afraid not) No no, no no no. You're not goin' in there.
Kramer: George. I thought you were gonna Change.
George: (impatient) For her. Not for you.
Kramer: (light admonishing, under breath) Let's just try, an' have a nice time for once, an' we'll talk about this when we get home..
George: All right, look-wait-wait-Krama-wait, wait a minute, you are not. You are not goin' in. Ah-ahhh!
Wilhelm: Wow! What an, Entrance! (friendly, to George) And eh, who might this be?
Kramer: Oh, I'm with him.
Wilhelm: Oh. Ah-ha..
Elaine: And.. also, much like me, Susie hated going to the, Market.
Peterman: Elaine! May I say a few words.
Elaine: Oh, god, yes, Mr. Peterman. (steps down)
Peterman: (steps up to the podium, refreshed) Ahhh. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget Susie-ahhh. And most of all, I will never, forget that one night. Working late on the catalogue. Juuust the two of us. And we surrendered to temptation. And it was Pretty Good.
Jerry: (proud to Peggy, under his breath) Yeah, but he didn't sleep with both of 'em. (winks)
Peterman: But Iiii never heard her Cries for Help. (sighs) An' nowww.. Susie is gone.
Mike: (running in, still hoarse, desperate!) Hold on! Hol-on! Susie didn't commit suicide! (rushes up to podium!) She was Murdered, by Jerry, Sein-feld!
Jerry: (smugly, under-his-breath) Not only that, I broke his thumbs.
Peterman: Elaine? Guess what. I've decided to Form a Charitable Foundation, in Susie's honor. And as Susie's best friend, I want you to be involved.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman.. (leaning forward, whispering) I'm Susie.. She's me..
Peterman: (leans forward, whispers carefully) I feel the same way. (announcing) And that's why this foundation will meet around Your Schedule. Nights! Weekends! Every, Free Moment you have. (leaving, pats her shoulders confidently)
Elaine: (looks up, screaming in frustration!) Suuuuuuuuuuze!


[Jenna'S Apartment: Bathroom]
Jenna: Morning.
Jerry: Morning.
Jenna: Hope you don't mind baking soda flavour.
Jerry: (applying paste to brush) Ah, baking soda. Annoying little product. 'I can do this. I can do that.' Why doesn't this stuff just shut up?
Jenna: I'm gonna grab you a towel.
Jerry: Ooh-ooh
George: So?
Jerry: So? She used the toothbrush!
George: You said you grabbed it outta there real fast, right?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: So I'm sure whatever germs it landed on were knocked out, and by the time the rest of them realised what was going on, you had already grabbed it out.
Jerry: How many years of med school did you have?
George: Was she mad?
George: You didn't tell her.
Jerry: Jenna's like me. She's very... (searches for word)
George: Finicky? Prissy? Fastidious?
Jerry: I'll take fastidious.
Jerry: What is that?
George: Ahh, Steinbrenner gave 'em to us, in honour of Phil Rizzuto being inducted into the Hall of Fame.
Head: Holy cow!
Jerry: They don't actually have to squeeze his head to get him to say 'holy cow', do they?
George: Just the last few innings of a double-header.
Kramer: Hey. Look at this. I'm in the passing lane of the Arthur Berkhardt expressway, going seventy and (makes impact sound - pckergh!) Dragged this thing for five exits.
Jerry: Why didn't you pull over?
Kramer: Well I was draughting behind a semi. I didn't wanna lose him. The infrastructure, Jerry, it's crumbling.
Head: Holy cow!
Kramer: Well, look at that. A talking Nixon.
Owner: China Panda.
Elaine: Yeah, I'd like to place an order.
Owner: Ah yes, what you like?
Elaine: This Supreme Flounder, it says first time served in America. Is that true?
Owner: What number?
Elaine: Forty-seven.
Owner: Yeah, first time. What else?
Elaine: Uh, that's it.
Owner: Address?
Elaine: Seventy-eight, West Eighty-sixth Street. Apartment three E.
Owner: That's southside. Sorry, we don't deliver below Eighty-sixth.
Elaine: I'm not below.
Owner: Yes you are. Street itself is boundary.
Elaine: Your guy can't cross to my side?
Owner: If we deliver to you, then what? Eighty-fifth Street, Wall Street, Mexico, Eighty-fourth Street.
Elaine: Alright, fine. I'll just cross and meet him.
Owner: Sorry, food only for those who live within boundary. (slams down phone)
Owner: (picks up phone) China Panda.
Elaine: (using silly voice) Uh, yeah yeah. I'd like to place an order.
Owner: Ah, what you like?
Kramer: Well, I'm a poppa.
Jerry: Bring it on. Nothing's throwing me at this point.
Kramer: (handing Jerry a cigar) Well, as of today I am a proud parent of a one-mile stretch of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway.
Jerry: Oh, that adopt-a-highway thing.
Kramer: Yeah, I'm part of the solution now Jerry. Yeah, I went down there and I checked it out this morning. Here, take a look. Mile one-fourteen.
Jerry: Aw, looks just like you.
Kramer: Aw, I'm beaming Jerry.
Jerry: So what d'you have to do? Pay to keep it clean?
Kramer: They try to push you into using their cleaning crew, with all their so-called maintenance equipment.
Jerry: That old scam.
Kramer: Yeah, well that's why I'm doing it all myself. This parenting isn't about delegating responsibility, it's about being there.
Jerry: At the side of the road, with a pile of garbage.
Kramer: Quality time.
George: Keys. I can't find my keys.
Jerry: You lost Phil Rizzuto's head?!
George: Have you seen 'em?
Jerry: No.
George: Dammit!
Kramer: C'mon, retrace your steps. What d'you do today?
George: I got up, I was supposed to go to work, I came here instead.
Kramer: Right.
Jerry: Well, they're not here. You'll have to dig up your spare set.
George: I don't have a spare set. All my keys say 'do not duplicate'.
Jerry: So?
George: So you can't duplicate 'em.
Kramer: Sure you can. (to Jerry) Such a sweet kid.
Elaine: Oh. Oh, hi. China Panda?
Delivery Boy: (suspicious) Why you waiting on the street and not in your apartment?
Elaine: I... thought that I would meet you halfway.
Delivery Boy: You really live here?
Elaine: Oh yeah. (handing over money) There you go, keep the change. Bye now. I'll see you.
Elaine: (at the boy's back) This isn't fair. This is address discrimination!
Jerry: Well, I cleaned out their whole dental hygiene shelf.
George: So the plan is to secretly sterilise her mouth?
Jerry: By the time I'm through with her mouth, she'll be able to eat off it. Is it safe to drink bleach if you dilute it?
George: No, stings the throat. Anyway, so I was coming along here, and I felt like a piece of cake, you know? But then I thought, it's morning, I should really have a muffin. I like those chocolate chip ones. Then I figured, well, they're really both cake. So I, uh, I sat on that bench for a little while, twenty minutes or an hour, and then I figured, check and see what you were up to. (a thought occurs to him) Wait a minute, wait a minute. The broad jump! The broad jump over the pothole on Eighty-sixth Street!
George: Now I remember, as I jumped over the hole I heard a, like a jingling sound.
Jerry: You didn't look down?
George: I was trying to stick the landing. (indistinct) ...was right around here.
George: No! No!!
Head (O.C.): Holy, Holy Cow!
Jerry: Poor son of a bitch.
Jerry: It's a hundred thousand revolutions a second. It's the most powerful one they make.
Jenna: It's like I'm holding a blender.
Jerry: The engine's made by McDonnell-Douglas.
Jerry: Oh no, you keep going. It shuts off automatically.
Jenna: (restarting and reapplying the brush) Really, it does?
Jerry: (unheard by Jenna) When the battery runs out.
Jenna: (shouting to Jerry) I was really happy with my old toothbrush.
Jerry: No, trust me, that one was doing more harm than good. Don't forget to use the Plax too.
Jenna (O.C.): That stuff tastes like bleach!
Jerry: I don't know anything about that.
Jenna: Mmm. My mouth feels so clean.
Jerry: That's the idea.
Jerry: You know, maybe we better not. I, I think I'm getting a little cold. I don't wanna give you any of my germs.
Jenna: Aww. Okay. Thanks, I guess.
Elaine: You still couldn't kiss her?
Jerry: She has a taint. I can't see it, but I know it's there.
Elaine: Oh, so now you're finding fault on a sub-atomic level.
Jerry: Maybe if I could shrink myself down, like in Fantastic Voyage, and get inside a microscopic submarine, I could be sure. Although if there was something there, it might be pretty scary. Course, I would have that laser.
Elaine: Jer, do you see where this is going?
Jerry: Being really clean and happy?
Elaine: Jerry, you have tendencies. They're always annoying, but they were just tendencies. But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid we're talking disorder.
Jerry: Disorder?
Elaine: And from disorder, you're a quirk or two away from full-on dementia.
Jerry: (thoughtful) Hmm, that could hurt me. (pointing out of window) Hey, there it is.
Elaine: Shall we stop and say hi?
Jerry: Nah, we've seen it.
Elaine: Yeah.
Kramer: (shouting after car) Hey Jerry! Yeah, I'll see you back at the house!
Kramer: Mile one-fourteen, clean as a whistle.
Man: Yeah?
Elaine: Hi. I'm your neighbour, uh, fr... from across the street. And uh, (coughs nervously) I was wondering, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, if I could use your apartment to order some food?
Man: Wha? What d'you want?
Elaine: You see, there's this certain flounder and they won't deliver it to my side of the street.
Man: Wh, when is that?
Elaine: No, I just need them to deliver it here and I have to be kinda inside is all.
Man: Who are you with?
Elaine: No, actually I'm... I'm just kind of hungry.
Man: Who let you in?
Elaine: Well, the lock was broken. You just have to jiggle it, actually. But, I just need like a half an hour to an hour.
Jerry: What's with the signs?
Kramer: Hey, you should see the Berkhardt, Jerry. My mile is spotless. I mean the big stuff was easy. Cinderblocks, air-conditioners, shopping carts (makes sound - fzup!), I just rolled 'em into the woods.
Jerry: Yeah, that stuff's all natural anyway.
Kramer: (holding up a sign) Speed limit, one hundred and sixty-five miles per hour. See? They slipped a one in there. (laughing) Those kids with the spray paint, God love 'em.
Jerry: Hey. So, keys?
George: No keys. And I been calling the city all day. Course there's not really a number to call if you wanna make a pothole.
Jerry: I guess they leave that up to the general population.
George: I tell you this. If the real Phil Rizzuto was down there, this wouldn't be happening!
Jerry: Hard to say.
Kramer: Hey, you need some roadwork done? 'Cos I met some maintenance guys today on the highway, they could probably help you out.
George: Really?
Kramer: Oh yeah, yeah. I borrowed some cones from them when I was sweeping my car-pool lane.
Jerry: Yeah?
Jenna (O.C.): It's Jenna.
Jerry: If you guys wouldn't mind, I would like to ward off dementia.
George: You think you could hook me up with these guys?
Kramer: Oh yeah, yeah. Give me a ring tomorrow. I'm gonna be at emergency callbox seven-eight-four.
George: Seven-eight-four.
Jenna: Hey.
Jerry: Hi.
Jenna: How you feeling?
Jerry: Good. My cold's gone, and I've been looking forwards to kissing you, which I'm ready to do now, if you are ready.
Jenna: What?!
Jerry: Nothing. I just, I uh, I bruised my lip. I was drinking a Celray, and I brought it up too fast and I banged it into my lip, (lower voice and hurriedly) and then I knocked your toothbrush into the toilet and I wasn't able to tell you before you could use it.
Jenna: What?
Jerry: I'm sorry.
Jenna: When were you gonna tell me this?!
Jerry: Obviously never.
Kramer: I need the yield sign.
Jerry: Kramer, I'm kind of in the middle of something. Would you get these signs out of here, please?
Kramer: You could've introduced me.
Jerry: I wouldn't know where to start.
Jerry: (knocking) Hey, Jenna. Hey!
Jenna: There. Now something of yours has been in the toilet.
Jerry: What?! Wha... what'd you put in there?
Jenna: Gotta run.
Jerry: Oh, man!
Jerry: (into phone) Hello, Jenna, did you dunk the spatula? Was it the spatula? Hello? Dammit!
Elaine: She won't even give you a hint?
Jerry: No. Could be anything. The whole apartment's a biohazard.
Elaine: You know what I bet it is? (points) Your remote.
Jerry: Yes, that is a definite possibility.
Elaine: (walking to the couch) Or, could be your walkman there.
Jerry: Are you just screwing with me?
Elaine: Yeah, I am.
Kramer: Hey ah.
Jerry: Hey, how's life on the road?
Kramer: Oh, I'm making a difference Jerry.
Jerry: I don't doubt it.
Kramer: You should see the smiles on the drivers' faces. I mean, you gotta look quick, but they're there.
Jerry: What's this?
Kramer: Well, you know, those annoying little bumps on the lane-lines? (makes noise - bum, bum, bum, bum, bump)
Jerry: Isn't that some kind of safety thing?
Kramer: Well, I had to pull 'em up if I'm gonna widen the lanes.
Jerry: What the hell are you talking about?
Kramer: Ah, you know how in planes they got first class? More leg room, better ride? Well, I'm bringing that concept to mile one-fourteen.
Elaine: How are you gonna widen the lanes?
Kramer: Well you black out lane-lines one and three, and a four-lane highway becomes a two-lane comfort cruise. (to Jerry) So, you got any black paint?
Jerry: (sarcasm) Yeah, in my toolshed, next to the riding mower.
Elaine: (into phone) Yuh, I'd like an order of supreme flounder, number forty-seven. Yeah, apartment one-Q.
Jerry: One-Q? Whose apartment is that?
Elaine: That's the janitor closet, across the street.
Jerry: You're pretending to live in a janitor's closet, just to get this flounder?
Elaine: It's better than eating it alone in the restaurant, like some loser.
Kramer: That stuff is unbelievable. I'd eat it out of a dumpster.
Elaine: (heading to door) How do you know about it? You're not in the delivery zone.
Kramer: Well, Newman uses his mail truck to run fish for China Panda on the weekends.
Elaine: Well, mine's coming in ten, so... see you boys.
Kramer: Now, where's that tool shed of yours?
Elaine: Hi. Sorry, I didn't hear you. I was in the shower.
Elaine: I'll see you.
Ralph: You Costanza?
George: Yeah. Thanks for, thanks for coming by fellas. Eh, got a set of keys, buried in the pothole.
Ralph: What're the keys doing in there?
George: Just need to uh, to dig 'em up.
Ralph: You put 'em in there?
George: Nah, nah, it's uh, it's a long story. Just uh, try to get it up.
Ralph: Bad place to put your keys.
George: Yeah, I know that. (clears throat) Could you start, working?
Ralph: Difficult job. You want those keys, we're gonna have to dig this up.
George: (penny drops) Oh, uh, wait a minute, wait a minute. (snorts) Is this about money?
Ralph: Yeah. (snorts) It's about money.
Mrs Allister: 'Scuse me, what are you doing in there?
Elaine: Uhm, nothing. I was just uhm... I wasn't in there.
Mrs Allister: You were hanging around in there, lazing on the job. When you shoulda been downstairs in the basement, cleaning out those old carpets and scrap wood.
Elaine: Right, because... I'm the janitor. (picks teeth with fingernail)
Mrs Allister: Don't get smart with me.
Elaine: (meek) Yes ma'am.
Radio: Hey, and if you're heading north on the Arthur Berkhardt, whoah Nelly, for some reason four lanes are converging into two, instantaneously right at mile-marker one-fourteen. I don't know what that is, but the A-B's a parking lot out there. Somebody screwed up on that one.
Elaine: Oh it's you.
Jerry: Is the flounder here yet?
Elaine: No, it's not here yet. You want the tour?
Elaine: (gesturing) There's this.
Jerry: Nice. French doors'd really open this place up. Oh, but you have a slop-bucket.
Elaine: (gleeful) The fish!
Elaine: Ah, what're you doing here?
George: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
George: Oh, I was uh, I was waiting downstairs for the jackhammer, thought I'd drop by.
Jerry: Kramer's guys?
George: Yeah. I got 'em down to fifty bucks. I just have to do all the jackhammering myself.
Jerry: Oh that's nice, kind of a hard-labour fantasy camp.
George: Ow!
Elaine: Uh, man!
Kramer: Huh, yeah. (looks round) Oh, sweet setup. Elaine, d'you have any paint thinner? I need like uh, forty gallons.
Elaine: I'm plumb out.
Kramer: Oh man, if I don't get that black paint off the City's gonna go ape. I don't wanna lose my baby!
Mrs Allister (O.C.): Janitor?
Elaine: (to the guys) Uh, Mrs Allister. (louder) Yeah, uh, just coming Mrs Allister. (to guys) Okay, I've gotta get out.
Elaine: Here, can you move, you gotta move from the door.
Elaine: Hi, I uhm... What can I do for you?
Mrs Allister: I told you yesterday to haul that trash outta the basement.
Elaine: Yeah, I am so sorry.
Mrs Allister: Some of the children have been playing near it and putting it in their mouths.
Elaine: Well, a lot of it is vegetable...
Mrs Allister: Get that stuff outta there today, or you'll be outta here. Understand?
Elaine: (meekly) Yes ma'am.
George: ...stop pushing. (to Elaine) Kramer spilled ammonia.
Jerry: I don't feel like eating.
Kramer: (holding up a set of heavy chains) I'm gonna borrow this, huh?
Elaine: (to Mrs Allister) Janitor's meeting.
Jenna: So Jerry, why'd you call me?
Jerry: Well, I thought it's about time we put aside all this silliness. I know now you didn't put anything in my toilet bowl. (pause) Did you?
Jenna: Yes, I did.
Jerry: Well, whatever. So, how've you been?
Jenna: Good.
Jerry: Good. (pause) Steak knife?
Jenna: Just eating away at you isn't it?
Jerry: Nah.
Elaine: Hi.
Jenna: Hi.
Jerry: Hi.
Elaine: Hi. Jerry, can I borrow your car?
Jerry: For what?
Elaine: I have to haul some dirty garbage to the dump.
Jerry: Dirt? That's alright, (for Jenna's benefit) because there's nothing wrong with dirt.
Elaine: Well, actually it's pretty grimy.
Jerry: Grime, grease, filth, funk, ooze. Whatever it is, you take that stuff and put it right on my leather upholstery.
Elaine: Well, I don't know who you are, but thanks for the car.
Jerry: Sure. Bye.
Elaine: Bye.
Jenna: Bye.
Elaine: Bye.
Jerry: There, you see? I just leant her my car, and she's gonna fill it with all sorts of... (he cracks) Alright! You win! That car was my last germ-free sanctuary. I slept there last night! Now, for the love of God, please, what is it? What is it?!
Jenna: Toilet brush.
Jerry: Toilet brush, oh (he pulls a 'Damn, shoulda guessed!' face). Alright, I can replace that.
Jenna: You wanna order dinner?
Jerry: Yeah. Let's uh, go to your place. Because I, threw out all my dishes.
Jerry: That's true.
Jenna: Mm.
Jerry: But, I'll tell you this much. I am never going to let some silly hygienic mishap get in the way of, what could be, a meaningful, long-lasting relationship.
Jenna: Do you hear something?
Jerry: I don't know what that could be.
Head: Holy cow!
Jerry: Anyway, I'm a new man, and I'm looking towards the future. Clean, dirty, whatever.
Jerry: Holy cow! Have a nice life.
Elaine: Hey, look at this. Wide lanes. This is so luxurious. Woo, yeah.
Kramer: Bugger!
Newman: (sings) You're once. Twice. Three times a lady.
Newman: What the hell was that?
Kramer: Double bugger!
Newman: (sings) Yes, you're once. Twice. Three times...
Newman: Aaah! Aaagh! Aah-aah. Oh, oh the humanity! Aaagh!
Kramer: Hey buddy. What're you doing out here?
Kramer: Man, did you see that fireball? Woo-hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo.
Kramer: Hey, I gotta skedaddle. You wanna lift?
Kramer: Newman! Newman!!
Kramer: Well, I'll meet you at the coffee shop.


Jerry: You know at the movies, they show that little ad for the concession stand?
Elaine: Where the cartoon candy's dancing and the Milk Dud's playing the banjo?
Jerry: He's wailing on that banjo.
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: I just don't understand the raisinettes.
Elaine: The sax player?
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: The box of raisinettes runs up to the concession stand, buys another box of raisinettes.
Elaine: So?
Jerry: Box of raisinettes eating another box of raisinettes? It's perverse.
Elaine: HE's not gonna eat them. He's buying 'em for his Pepsi girlfriend.
Jerry: Why's he dating a Pepsi? They're not having children.
Elaine: He's a musician.
Jerry: Musicians. Get a real job.
Waitress: What d'you want?
George: Ah, I've had everything on the menu. Uh, surprise me.
Danielle: (to George) Neil.
Danielle: Neil.
Danielle: (apologetic) Oh, I am sorry. (smiling broadly) I'm supposed to meet my boyfriend here. He looks just like you.
George: (bemused) Really?
Danielle: (smiling) Yeah.
George: (pointing to himself) Like me?
Danielle: Uh-huh. Sorry.
George: (confused, to himself) Like me? But how?
Waitress: Here's your halibut omelette. Surprised?
George: Yes, yes, I am.
Kramer: Look what I got for you, for your Florida trip. Crazy Shirts was closing 'em out. I got a dozen for a buck.
Kramer: Saved a fortune. Look at that. Heyy.
Jerry: (reading, unimpressed) Ohh, 'Number 1 Dad'.
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: (examining the label) Ooh, and it's in medium. Perfect.
Kramer: Hey.
George: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
George: Hey. You ready?
Jerry: Almost.
Kramer: Okay, look, uh, when you're in Florida, can my cigar guy drop off some Cubans for me at your parents' house?
Jerry: (reluctant) Kramer, I'm helping my parents move into their new condo. I'm gonna be busy.
Kramer: Aw, c'mon man. Help a brother out.
Jerry: (grudging) Alright.
Kramer: Yeahh. I owe you one.
Jerry: (holding up the '# DAD' shirt) We're even.
George: Jerry, figure this out. I'm in the coffee shop, and this beautiful girl I could never even talk to, mistakes me for her boyfriend.
Jerry: (continuing to pack) That's a nice four seconds.
George: (incredulous) I look just like him. I. Me. (flings his arms out) This! This is what her boyfriend looks like. How is that possible?
Jerry: Maybe he has money.
George: (wondering) Maybe he doesn't. Maybe he and I are exactly the same, except for one minor, yet crucial, detail. You never know.
Jerry: (zipping up his bag) Sometimes you do.
George: Maybe it's some small thing I could change. Like a moustache. Or wearing a top hat, or a monocle, or a..or a cane.
Jerry: (picking up his bag and coat) Who's she dating? Mr Peanut?
George: (pointedly) She could do a lot worse than Mr Peanut, my friend.
Blaine: So, what d'you wanna see?
Elaine: (indicating a movie poster) What about Sack Lunch?
Blaine: (indicating another poster) How about The English Patient? It's up for all those Oscars.
Elaine: Oh, c'mon Blaine. I mean, look at the poster for Sack Lunch.
Blaine: It's a family in a brown paper bag.
Elaine: (laughing) Don't you wanna know how they got in there?
Blaine: No.
Elaine: (disappointment) Aww. Sold out.
Blaine: (to the booth guy) Oh, two for The English Patient.
Elaine: So d'you think they got shrunk down, or is it just a giant sack?
George: (smiling) Uh, hi. Uhm, remember me? I..I'm the guy who looks like Neil?
Danielle: (smiling back) Hi.
George: Huh-Hi. (looks around a little) Uhm, is Neil here?
Danielle: Oh, no. He got held up at work.
George: Oh, that's too bad. I kinda wanted to meet him, seeing as how we look so similar.
Danielle: Well, you know, you don't look that much like him.
George: (disappointment) Oh. Course not.
Danielle: No, you're a little taller.
Danielle: You look like you're in better shape than Neil. Do you work out?
George: (smiling) Listen, I..I..I don't mean to seem forward...
George: ...but is there any way that I could possibly have Neil's phone number?
Elaine: (very dissatisfied) Why is everyone talking about "The English Patient, it's so romantic". (vehement) God, that movie stunk!
Blaine: I kinda liked it.
Elaine: (firm) No you didn't.
Carol: Elaine. Elaine, did you just see The English Patient?
Gail: (tearful) Didn't you love it?
Lisa: How could you not love that movie?
Elaine: How about, it sucked?
Carol: That Ralph Fiennes, I would give up my firstborn for him.
Elaine: (aside) Huhh, getting the short end of that stick.
Morty: Jerry, this is Del Boca Vista's new physical fitness room. They got medicine balls, you can bike ride, anything you want.
Jerry: Stairmaster?
Morty: What?
Jerry: Nothin'.
Morty: (opening his tracksuit top) See what I'm wearing?
Jerry: Oh, did you get that outta my bag?
Morty: No, your mother found it. Son, this is the most wonderful and thoughtful thing you've ever done for me.
Jerry: You know, I bought you a Cadillac. Twice.
Morty: Hoh, here he is. This is the man I wanted you to see. Izzy Mandelbaum. He's eighty years old, but strong as an ox. (pointing) Watch this.
Morty: See that? You couldn't do that.
Jerry: I could, but I choose not to.
Sid: Hey Morty. (nodding toward Jerry) Who's this?
Morty: This is my son Jerry, from New York. (leaning toward Sid) He thinks he can lift more than Izzy.
Jerry: (protesting) I..I didn't say that.
Sid: (calling over) Hey, Izzy, this kid says he can lift more than you can.
Izzy: Your kid's pretty funny, Morty. Should be a comedian.
Jerry: (smiles) Actually, I am a comedian.
Sid: That's not so funny.
Izzy: (challenging) Think you're better than me, huh?
Morty: Izzy used to work out with Charles Atlas in the fifties.
Jerry: (jocular) Eighteen-fifties?
Izzy: Yeah, that's it. It's go time. (points to the weights he put down) Let's see you lift that.
Jerry: (reluctant) Mr Mandelbaum, I...
Izzy: C'mon, c'mon. Pump it!
Jerry: (consenting) Alright.
Izzy: Yeah, wrong attitude. you're not bringing that trash into my house.
Jerry: There. Alright?
Izzy: Step aside, stringbean.
Izzy: I'll show you. We're gonna take it up a notch.
Izzy: (agonised) Ah! My back. Ugh.
Izzy: (drawn out) Aaaahh.
Sid: Somebody, call an ambulance.
Morty: (unpanicked) There's already an ambulance here for Mrs Glickman. There's room for one more.
Elaine: (handing over her money) Okay, one for Sack Lunch. (taking the ticket) It's good, right? (smiling) Yeah, good.
Elaine: (surprise) Hey, what're you guys doing here?
Lisa: We just saw The English Patient again.
Gail: It's even better the second time.
Elaine: They make it longer?
Blaine: (to the girls) Got my umbrella.
Elaine: (shocked) Blaine!?
Blaine: Elaine.
Elaine: I thought you were busy tonight.
Blaine: (cold) Well, to tell you the truth Elaine. I don't know if I can be with someone who doesn't like The English Patient.
Elaine: It's just a stupid movie.
Blaine: (to Carol) That's what I'm talking about.
Carol: (taking Blaine's arm) Come on, Blaine. Let's go.
Blaine: (bitter) Enjoy Sack Lunch!
Elaine: (fierce) I will!
Helen: (accusing) How could you do that to Mr Mandelbaum? You should be ashamed of yourself.
Jerry: (defensive) He egged me on.
Helen: You should be more mature.
Jerry: He's eighty!
Morty: (standing) Okay. Tomorrow, Jerry and I will visit Izzy and apologise. Now, goodnight.
Helen: (walking after Morty) You're not sleeping in that shirt. It's too tight.
Morty: This shirt will never leave my body.
Helen: (to Jerry) Goodnight.
Jerry: (smiling) Alright. Seven-thirty, got the place to myself.
Guillermo: Jerry Seinfeld please.
Jerry: Ah, you must be Kramer's guys. (indicating) Come on in. You got the cigars?
Guillermo: What cigars?
Jerry: Kramer said I was supposed to bring him back some Cubans.
Guillermo: (indicating the threesome) We are the Cubans.
Kramer: Yeah, hello, Jerry's place.
Jerry: (animated) They're real Cubans?! They're human beings, from Cuba?!
Kramer: I said Cubans. What'd you think I meant?
Jerry: Cigars!
Kramer: Jerry, Cuban cigars are illegal in this country. That's why I got these guys.
Jerry: (incredulous) You're making your own cigars now?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah. I got investors all lined up.
Jerry: (to Kramer) Hold on a second. (to Morty) Hiya dad.
Morty: (without looking up) Who are they?
Jerry: They're Cuban cigar rollers.
Morty: (walking back out of the room) Don't tell your mother.
Jerry: What is that bubbling sound? Are you making your tomato sauce?
Kramer: Hot and spicy.
Jerry: (accusing) You're not wearing a shirt, are you?
Kramer: Yes I am.
Jerry: What colour is it?
Kramer: Damn!
George: You know, you could've just given me Neil's number. You..you didn't have to take me out to dinner.
Danielle: I wanted to give it to you in person.
Danielle: (flirtatious) You know, I don't have to be up in the morning, and I know a great breakfast place, right around the corner.
George: Does Neil like to eat a big breakfast?
Danielle: (inviting) Why don't you come in? We'll take about it.
George: (looking at his watch) I really should get going. Y'know, I..I wanna be home in case Neil calls.
Danielle: Well, goodnight.
George: (hurried) I'll see you.
Waitress: Rough night?
Elaine: Ugh. You wouldn't believe it. My boyfriend dumped me. My friends, who I don't even like, they won't talk to me. (face-pulling) All because I don't like that stupid English Patient movie.
Waitress: Really? I thought it was pretty good.
Elaine: Oh, come on. Good? What was good about it? (scoffs) Those sex scenes! I mean, please! Gimme something I can use!
Waitress: (sour) Well, I liked it.
Elaine: (calling after) Hey. You forgot about my piece of pie. Hello? (irritated) You know, sex in a tub. That doesn't work!
Jerry: This is quite a condo.
Morty: The Mandelbaums own the Magic Pan restaurants.
Jerry: The crepe place?
Morty: Yeah. This is all big crepe money.
Jerry: (doubtful) There's crepe money?
Izzy: What are you doing here?
Jerry: (apologetic) Aw, Mr Mandelbaum, I just wanted to come by and tell you how sorry I was that you hurt yourself.
Izzy: What the hell is that?
Jerry: What?
Izzy: That shirt. You think that you are the number one dad?
Morty: This was a gift from my son.
Izzy: Oh, I see how it works now. (indicates Jerry) He knocks me outta commission, so (indicates Morty) you can strut around in your fancy number one shirt. (moves the bedcovers) Well, I'll show you who's number one.
Jerry: Mr Mandelbaum, please.
Izzy: It's go time.
Izzy: (pained) Ahh. My back. I can't move.
Morty: Call an ambulance.
Jerry: I think I saw one a coupla doors down.
Jerry: (disbelief) So she wanted you to come up, but you left because you thought some guy might be calling you?!
George: (animated) Some guy. Some guy? Neil! I have got to find out how he could get a girl like Danielle.
Jerry: (pointing out the obvious) George, you've got Danielle. Forget about Neil. You've out-Neiled him.
George: (surprised) So, I'm Neil? How did I do that?
Jerry: I don't know, but you better keep it up.
George: I'm gonna go meet Danielle. (grabs his coat) There's a new Neil in town! (triumphant laughter) Hahaha!
Jerry: (to himself) I try to take a vacation, I come back, the whole operation's a shambles. (answers phone) Hello.
Morty: Hey Jerry. Number One here. Did you go see Izzy at the back specialist?
Jerry: I will, I just walked in the door.
Helen: You have to go see him.
Jerry: Ma.
Morty: Helen, will you stop bothering him.
Helen: Jerry, that shirt is gone right to his head.
Morty: Number One, signing off.
Kramer: Jerry, I just picked up the Cubans at the bus station. (shrill) What's going on!?
Jerry: What?
Kramer: (animated) They're not real Cubans. They're Dominicans.
Jerry: So?
Kramer: So, Jerry, if my investors don't get Cubans, the whole deal's off.
Jerry: What's the difference?
Kramer: Jerry, once you've had real Cubans, there's just nothing else like it.
Jerry: (confused) We're talking about people, right?
Kramer: Yes, yes. The quality, the texture, the intoxicating aroma. These guys don't have it.
Jerry: I thought they smelled pretty nice.
Kramer: Jerry, your palate's unrefined.
Jerry: Is not.
Kramer: Is too.
Jerry: Is not.
Kramer: Is too.
Jerry: I'm not having this conversation.
Kramer: Are too.
Jerry: Am not.
Kramer: Are too.
Jerry: Am not.
Kramer: Are too.
Peterman: Another productive meeting. By the way, I saw that English Patient film last night. It was extraordinary.
Dugan: (enthusiastic) Oh yes. It was so romantic. It ravished me.
Peterman: Elaine, what'd you think?
Elaine: (hesitant) Well, uh, act..actually, I haven't seen it. So, I couldn't tell you whether I liked it, or whether it really sucked.
Peterman: (aghast) You haven't seen it?
Elaine: (shakes head) No.
Peterman: That's it! Drop everything. We're going right now.
Jerry: Again, Mr Mandelbaum, this back specialist is supposed to be the best. So if there's anything else I can do, please don't hesitate to, uh, try and find my number.
Izzy: Uh, oh, wait.
Izzy: How 'bout that, huh? The World's Greatest Dad. My son made it for me.
Jerry: (humouring him) That's very nice.
Izzy: The best in the world. (pointing to himself) Which means I'm better than just number one.
Jerry: Well, I don't know how official any of these rankings really are.
Izzy: Hi, son.
Izzy Jr.: Hi daddy.
Jerry: (surprise) This is your son?
Izzy: I got married in high school.
Izzy Jr.: (to Jerry) Hey, who are you?
Izzy: This is Seinfeld's kid.
Izzy Jr.: Oh, you think you're tough, picking on an old man? (squaring up to Jerry) Maybe you'd like to try taking on somebody your own age.
Jerry: (jocular) You got any kids?
Izzy Jr.: Oh, you think you're better than me? (challenging) Go ahead, pick out anything in the room here. I'll lift it up over my head.
Jerry: (trying to defuse the situation) Look, no-one is lifting anything.
Izzy: (pointing) The television.
Jerry: (under his breath) Oh no.
Izzy Jr.: This one's for you, Pop. It's go time.
Izzy Jr.: (pained) Ohh! My back!
Izzy: (urgent) Call an ambulance.
Jerry: (laconic) We're already in a hospital.
Haffler: Awright, partner. Let's get down to business.
Kramer: (nervous) Okay, well, uh, I'll uh, I'll get the Cubans.
Kramer: They're right out here.
Kramer: Hey, here they are. The Cubans. Real Cubans.
Haffler: You wouldn't be trying to sell old Earl Haffler Dominicans in a Cuban wrapper now, would you?
Kramer: (fidgety) Oh, now, come on. Look at these boys. If they were any more Cuban, Castro would've smoked them himself. Huh.
Haffler: (confusion) We're talking about people, right?
Kramer: (puzzled) I think so.
Haffler: I thought he quit smoking cigars.
Kramer: Well, yeah, yeah. But they also rolled for his brother... (thinks for a second) ...Dennis.
Haffler: (dubious) Dennis Castro?
Kramer: Uh, Dwayne.
Haffler: Get the hell outta my office.
Kramer: (shrill) What!?
Danielle: You know, Neil called me today.
George: (interested) Really?
Danielle: Yeah. He's pretty upset that I broke up with him to go out with you.
George: (smug) Ah, I guess I showed Neil who's Neil.
Danielle: He wants to get together tomorrow night and have coffee.
George: (little worried) Coffee? (thinks) I can beat that. Move in with me.
Danielle: (surprised) What?
George: (smiles) Beats the hell out of coffee.
Peterman: (emotional) And I thought I knew what love was.
Elaine: (indifferent) Yuh.
Jerry: (incredulous) You asked her to move in with you?
George: I gotta stay one step ahead of Neil.
Jerry: (musing) What if it's Neil Armstrong?
George: (animated) Then I'm going to Mars!
Jerry: What if it's Neil Diamond?
George: (tormented) Aw, shut up Jerry! Just shut up!
Jerry: Alright, I gotta go back to the hospital.
George: What, to see the old guy?
Jerry: No, I got into a thing with the son, and now he's laid up too.
George: How old's the son?
Jerry: I think he's the same age as the father.
George: What is with this family?
Jerry: I dunno. It's like, if one of 'em dies, the other one wants to bench press the casket.
Kramer: (quietly) Hey, Jerry.
Kramer: (noise - like shivery) Datiditadit.
Jerry: You're cold?
Kramer: No. (indicates with his head) (noise again) Ditadidatidat.
Jerry: Something wrong with your chest?
Kramer: (indicating with his thumb) Dijadidatjd. There.
Jerry: (leaning round Kramer) Where?
Kramer: (urgent) No, no. Don't look. Don't look.
Kramer: Over there. The Dominicans.
Jerry: Aren't they supposed to be rolling cigars?
Kramer: Well, it didn't quite work out, and now I've got nothing for them to do.
George: So?
Kramer: So, I taught 'em all about Cuba, and they really took to it. You know, Marxism, the Worker's Revolution, the clothing.
Jerry: Boy, they seem pretty angry about something.
Kramer: (nervous) Yeah. I'm a little worried. When there's no work, and the people get restless, who do you think they come after? (pointing to himself, shrill) El Presidente!
Jerry: I swear to you, I didn't know they TV was bolted to the table.
Izzy Jr.: I bet you pulled that trick on my daddy, in Florida.
Jerry: He couldn't handle the weight.
Izzy: (hostile) Oh, so now you think you're better than me?
Izzy Jr.: (indicating Izzy) You think you're better than him?!
Jerry: (placatory) Look, let me just state for the record, I think you're both better than me.
Izzy: Okay.
Izzy Sr.: My boys.
Izzy: My dad.
Izzy Jr.: My grandpa.
Jerry: (incredulous) Oh, come on!
Izzy Sr.: (indicating Izzy Jr) What happened to him?
Jerry: He was trying to lift the TV.
Izzy Sr.: (pointing) That TV?
Jerry: (consternation) Oh no. (to the bedridden two) It's go time.
Izzy Izzy Sr.. (O.C.): (pained) Oohh!
Izzy Sr.: Why didn't anybody tell me? It was bolted down!
Izzy: I still thought you could do it.
Izzy Jr.: Me too.
Izzy/Izzy Jr/Izzy Izzy Sr.: (chanting and punching the air) Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum...
Jerry: Fellas, fellas, look, I gotta go.
Izzy: Oh yeah, that's right. Go. Put us all in the hospital. And you've ruined our business with all your macho head games.
Jerry: (defensive) I didn't ruin your business.
Izzy: Yes, you did. There's nobody there now at the Magic Pan to roll the crepes. We gotta close it up.
Jerry: (uncertain) Don't you hire people to do that?
Izzy: Each crepe has to be hand-rolled by a Mandelbaum. That's what puts the magic in Magic Pan!
Jerry: (thinking) So, you just need some guys that could roll 'em?
Izzy: Yeah.
Jerry: (having an idea) I think I can help you out. I'll see you later.
Izzy Sr.: (calls) Hey, I can't see the TV.
Jerry: Here.
Izzy: You think you're better than us, don't you?! Huh!?
Peterman: Elaine, I hope you're watching the clothes, because I can't take my eyes off the passion.
Elaine: (quiet vehemence) Oh. No. I can't do this any more. I can't. It's too long. (to the screen) Quit telling your stupid story, about the stupid desert, and just die already! (louder) Die!!
Peterman: (surprised) Elaine. You don't like the movie?
Elaine: (shouts) I hate it!!
Crowd: Shh!
Elaine: (shouts) Oh, go to hell!!
Peterman: (quietly) Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? You're fired.
Elaine: (grabbing her bag and coat) Great. I'll wait for you outside.
Jerry: He was gonna fire you?
Elaine: The only way I could talk him out of it was that I agreed to go and visit the Tunisian desert.
Jerry: Tunisia?
Elaine: That's where they filmed the movie. It's supposed to inspire me.
Jerry: Well, that doesn't sound so bad.
Elaine: I have to live in a cave.
Jerry: (sardonic) Oh. (smiles)
Kramer: These Dominicans really know their way round a crepe. Look at that. It's like they're rolling a double corona.
Kramer: (to one of the guys) Just a cigar made outta bisquik, huh, Guillermo?
Danielle: I'm very happy with George. I'm sorry Neil, it's over.
Danielle: Come on, let's just eat our crepes.
Customer: (pained scream) Aaghh!! My face!
Danielle: (concerned cry) Neil!
Jerry: Why are the crepes spraying?
Kramer: (looks over at the three guys) The Dominicans are rolling them too tight. (regretful) Uhm, well, that's why you gotta get real Cubans.
George: Danielle. Where's Neil? (indicating the bed) Is this him?
Danielle: Yeah, that blueberry crepe burned him pretty badly.
George: (to Danielle) Whose cane is this?
Danielle: It's Neil's.
George: (to himself) A cane. I knew it. (to Neil) So, we meet at last. I admire your skills, Mr Peanut.
George: Well, Danielle, (digs in his pocket) we should get going. I got a key made for you.
Danielle: George, I can't move in with you.
George: (shocked) What?
Danielle: I'm sorry, but I'm taking Neil to a clinic in England.
George: (animated) N..no, no. You can't leave me. (frantic) Marry me! I'll burn myself. I'll burn my parents!
Danielle: Sorry George.
Neil: (beckoning) George.
Neil: (quiet triumph) I win.
Tan: Ladies and gentlemen. In just one moment, we'll be showing our feature presentation...
Elaine: (dread) No, no, no, no, no.
Tan: ...the comedy hit, Sack Lunch, starring Dabney Coleman.
Elaine: (cheering up) Ah, right! Aw, this is shaping up.
Guy: Excuse me, please.
Elaine: Oh, sure.
Elaine: (uncomfortable) Ooh.
Guillermo: Ladies and gentlemen. Because we have been exploited by your Magic Pan crepe restaurants...
Guillermo: ...we are hijacking this plane to Cuba!
Guillermo: Everyone stay in your seats. And shut that movie off!
Elaine: (annoyed) Aww, nuts!