George (Writing On A Notepad): Wait a second, wait a second...and then the butler says, "I'm not cleanin' it up! I'm sick of cleaning!"
Jerry (Copying It Down And Grinning): That's funny, that's funny! "I'm sick of cleaning." That's very funny.
George (Laughing): I'll tell you something, I've never seen a pilot script as funny as this!
Jerry: Yeah, it's funny!
George: I mean, how funny is this?
Jerry (Low Voice): It's funny.
George: I mean, we're not stupid, right? We know when something's funny!
Jerry: It cannot not be funny! Now come on, let's stay with it, we gotta finish this today.
George: Okay. Hey, you know what, maybe I should give it to my therapist to read. She's smart, I trust her.
Jerry: Yeah, maybe I'll give it to Elaine.
George: Hey, you know, we haven't brought the Elaine character into the show yet. Umm, We should try and get her into this scene.
Jerry: Right, right. Okay. (Writing) Elaine enters.
George: Right
Jerry: (Thinks) What does she say...?
George (Thinking): I don't know, what do women say?
Jerry: I don't know.
George: I don't even know what they think. That's why I'm in therapy.
Jerry: You know, if we bring Elaine in, it's going to be so many people to keep track of. It's gonna be too hard, I'll forget where everybody's standing, you, me, Kramer, the butler, it's too much.
George: Alright, forget Elaine.
Jerry: Alright. (They tear the pages out of their notepads. Kramer enters.)
Kramer: Hey.
George: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer (To Jerry): You are never gonna believe who I just ran into today.
Jerry: Who?
Kramer: Your old flame. Gail Cunningham.
Jerry: Did you talk to her?
Kramer: Well, I was on my way to the Y, and I saw her coming towards me? I didn't know what to do! Because I remembered you had three dates with her and she wouldn't kiss you goodnight. So now I'm thinking you know, what is my duty to my friend? Do I acknowledge her? Do I you know ignore her? I mean, what is my responsibility here?
Jerry: So what happened?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, so she sees me and she goes, (imitates Gail) "Oh, hi! Kramer!" You know? Like nothing happened! Like she never you know went three dates with you and refused to kiss you goodnight.
Jerry: Yeah, I know about the three dates.
Kramer: You know what I did? I snubbed her.
Jerry: What do you mean, you snubbed her?
Kramer: I walked right by her - bffffft - never said a word.
Jerry (Smiling): Right by her?
Kramer: Right by her!
Jerry (To George, Hugs Kramer Happily): What you do say about a guy like this, huh! (George applauds.) You are some great friend, I tell ya, snubbed her! (seriously) Not that I condone it. I've never condoned snubbing in my administration. But your loyalty is beyond question.
Kramer: Yeah. Well, you know, she was lucky I was in a good mood - coulda been a lot worse.
Elaine (Throws The Script At Jerry): I'm not even in here!
Jerry: Yeah, I know.
Elaine: Well, I thought there was going to be a character named Elaine Benes.
Jerry: Well, there were too many people in the room, we couldn't keep track of everybody. George, and the butler, and...
Elaine: You couldn't "keep track" of everybody?
Jerry: Well, we tried. We couldn't. We didn't know how to, uh...(confessing) ...we couldn't write for a woman. We didn't know what you would say. Even right now, I'm sitting here, I know you're going to say something, I have no idea what it is.
Elaine: You have no idea?
Jerry: Something derogatory? (Gail enters the coffee shop and walks over to the booth.)
Gail (To Jerry): I thought I'd find you here.
Jerry: Well, Gail Cunningham.
Elaine: Hi, Gail.
Gail: Hi, Elaine. (To Jerry) Hey, what is with your friend Kramer?
Jerry: Why?
Gail: He snubbed me.
Jerry: Are you sure?
Gail: Yeah, I'm sure. What did you tell him?
Jerry: Nothing. (Elaine grabs Jerry's sandwich and is about to take a bite.) Hey, where you goin' with that? Gimme that. (Takes back the sandwich.)
Elaine: I thought you were finished.
Jerry: I took two bites, how am I finished? (Elaine coughs.) Plus you're coming down with something? You want me to get sick? (Offers Gail the sandwich) Bite?
Gail: So, how come? Why did Kramer do that?
Jerry: I don't know. Once he leaves the building, he's out of my jurisdiction.
Gail: Well, tell him that I am mad at him.
Jerry: Alright. So, where ya cookin' now?
Gail: Pfeiffer's.
Jerry: Ah, the power lunch crowd.
Gail (To Elaine): Nice shoes!
Elaine: Oh. Thank you.
Gail: Where'd you get 'em?
Elaine (Modest): They're um, Botticelli's.
Gail (Impressed): Ooh, Botticelli's! Look at you! I'm afraid to go in there.
Elaine: Really.
Jerry: Would you care to join us?
Gail: No, no, I gotta get to the restaurant. (Looks at her watch.) Oh! See ya. (Exits.)
Jerry: See ya.
Elaine (Irritated, Imitates Gail): "Oh, look at you, the Botticelli's."
Jerry: That bothered you?
Elaine: Yes, it bothered me. So I bought a pair of shoes at Botticelli's, I'm not allowed to shop there? That really embarrassed me.
Jerry: It did?
Elaine: Yes! Couldn't you see that?
Jerry (Thinks): No. This is why you're not in the pilot.
Dana: Well, George, I think you're beginning to get some perspective on things. I think we're making progress.
George: Yeah, I feel like I've grown.
Dana: Good. So, let's pick up on this next week.
George: Great. (They both stand.) Oh, by the way, did you get a chance to read the script?
Dana: Yes, yes I did.
George (Beaming): Well, what'd you think?
Dana (Unenthusiastic): Uh...it was...good.
George: You didn't like it?
Dana: Well, no, I -
George: I can't believe this! What was wrong with it? What didn't you like about it?
Dana: It wasn't funny.
George: It wasn't funny? What, are you kidding?
Dana: No, I didn't find it funny.
George: You didn't find it funny?! This is what I'm paying for?
Dana: Well, that whole storyline about a guy who gets into a car accident, doesn't have any insurance, so the judge sentences him to be a butler? I didn't really buy that.
George: Let me tell you who did, uh, buy it...um we pitched this story to Russell Dalrymple, the president of NBC, and he ate it up with a spoon.
Dana: George, if you're going to be in a creative field, you're going to have to learn how to deal with criticism.
George: How's this for criticism? Um...you stink. How do like that criticism? You know what's funny to me? That diploma up on the wall. That is my idea of "com-med-dee"! You sitting here, telling people what to do.
Dana: I think you'd better go.
George: Oh, I'm goin' baby. I'm goin.' (Heads for the door, then stops.) It's Jerry's fault. He took out all my good lines. He's such a control freak!
George (Immediately, To Elaine): So, you send me to this therapist to help me with my emotional disorders, and she criticizes our script. (Tosses the script to Jerry.) What kind of a therapist is that?
Elaine: I guess she didn't think it was funny.
George: Oh, she didn't think it was funny. What is she, Rowan & Martin? We're supposed to meet with NBC tomorrow! She completely shattered my confidence. And I'm paying for this, she's my employee!
Jerry: I thought your mother's paying for it.
George: And she slaves to earn every penny. So that someday, I might be able to walk up to a woman and say, "Yes, I'm bald, but I'm still a good person."
Jerry (To Elaine): You know, he's right. It's not her place to criticize the script, which reminds me - what did you think of it? You never told me.
Elaine: What did I think of it? (Manufactures a cough instead of answering. Kramer enters.)
Kramer (To Jerry): Hey, buddy, I got something to tell ya. (Elaine runs towards to the bathroom in lieu of answering Jerry's question.)
Jerry (Catches Elaine): Hey, one second, you don't get off that easy. C'mon, tell me what you thought.
Elaine: Well, you know, I...
Kramer: I just kissed Gail Cunningham. (Jerry turns and looks at Kramer, shocked. Elaine grins and heads to the bathroom.)
Jerry: You what?
Kramer: Yeah, I kissed her.
Jerry: You kissed her?
Kramer: Right on the mouth.
Jerry: What kinda great friend are you? How do you go from snubbing to kissing?
Kramer: Well, I saw her outside the Y, you know, she came up to me, she started yelling because I snubbed her, and then we started talking a little bit, and I walked her to her building. And just before I left, I put my arm around her waist, I pulled her to me, and I - mmm - I planted one! (Laughs.)
Jerry: And what did she do?
Kramer: She kissed me back.
Jerry: I don't get this. I go out with this girl three times, she doesn't want to shake my hand - why's she kissing you?
Kramer (Realizing): Because I snubbed her. You see? Women, they like that! Yes! I understand women. The snub is good, they love the snub!
George: No they don't. I tried that once. I snubbed for a year. Nothing. Every woman I saw, I snubbed. You never saw people so pleased. (Elaine returns from the bathroom.)
Kramer (To Elaine): Ooh, so...I understand you're buying your shoes now at Botticelli's.
Elaine: What? Who told you that?
Kramer: Gail Cunningham.
Elaine: I don't understand, why is this woman talking about my shoes? Why are my shoes a topic of conversation?
Kramer: Well, you know, we were just talking, and uh she mentioned how you're buying your shoes now at Botticelli's.
Elaine (Angrily): "How I'm buying my shoes now at Botticelli's!" Did you hear this? (Shoves Jerry and Kramer.)
Jerry: So what?
Elaine: So what?! She is talking about my shoes! She is discussing my shoes! It is nobody's business where I buy my shoes! (Storms over to the couch and angrily sits down. Jerry, Kramer and George look at Elaine from the kitchen, comically puzzled by her outburst...)
Elaine: Hey! Gail!
Gail: Ya. (noticing it's Elaine) Elaine...!
Elaine: Why are you talking about my shoes?
Gail: What?
Elaine: My Botticelli shoes. You've been talking about my Botticelli shoes.
Gail: What are you talking about?
Elaine: Did you or did you not tell Kramer that I got my shoes at Botticelli's? (A waiter comes over and puts a plate of food on Gail's cutting board.)
Waiter: Too spicy. He wants another one. You got that pasta primavera?
Gail: Look Elaine, I am very busy here.
Elaine: Who else have you mentioned my shoes to, huh? I wanna know why my footwear is your conversation!
Gail: I am not discussing this. This is insane.
Waiter: You got that pasta primavera? Let's go!
Gail: Ya ya ya, here.
Waiter: Here you are, Mr. Dalrymple.
Russell: Thank you.
Waiter: Sorry for the delay. Enjoy your lunch.
Russell (Opening The Door): Well, come in. (They shake hands.)
Jerry & George: Hi.
Russell: Awfully sorry to make you come up here, but I really wasn't feeling well enough to go back to the office, and well, it's the only chance I have to meet with you this week.
Jerry: Are you alright?
Russell: Well, it's my stomach. I think there must have been something in the pasta primavera I had for lunch.
Jerry: Oh, Where did you eat?
Russell: Pfeiffer's.
Jerry: Ah. I know the chef there.
Russell: Yeah. The food's usually terrific.
George: My cousin worked for Bouchard's. They used to use the bouilla-base for a toilet. (Jerry and Russell are shocked.)
Russell: What are you saying?
George: Well, you didn't hear it from me, but needless to say, if you go in there - stick with the consumee.
Russell: Well, we'd better get started, my daughter's going to be here soon.
Jerry: Oh, you have a daughter?
Russell: Yeah, she just turned fifteen last week.
George: Aw, that's a fun age. (Jerry looks at George distastefully.)
Russell: Alright. The script. Now, I've read this thing three times...and everytime I read it...(looks nauseous, struggles not to vomit.)
Jerry: What?
Russell: Excuse me for a second. (Gets up and runs to the bathroom.)
Jerry: What?
George: Would you like a Pepto-Bismol? I keep them in my wallet...! (Russell goes into the bathroom and shuts the door.) (To Jerry) Do you think he liked it? (From the bathroom, we hear Russell violently heaving his guts.)
Jerry: I'm not sure. (The sounds of Russell vomiting emanate from the bathroom. Jerry and George sit there uncomfortably.) What was that dish he said he had...?
George: Pasta primavera.
Jerry: Ah. You know, 'primavera' is Italian for 'spring.'
George: No!
Jerry: Yeah.
Russell (Coming Out Of The Bathroom): Really, I'm terribly sorry, it just, uh...all of a sudden it just hit me.
George: So, you were saying how, um...about the script...
Russell: Right. The script. Your script needs some...it needs, um...(looks nauseous again. Gets up and runs to the bathroom a second time.)
George: More jokes?
Jerry: Another ending?
George: A different name for the butler? (Russell throws up again.)
Jerry: Maybe we should go.
George: We haven't heard his notes yet, we don't know how he feels about our work. (Russell throws up yet again.)
Russell (From Bathroom): Oh God. Oh my god.
Jerry: I can't listen to anymore of this, the guy's losing a lung in there. (Russell's daughter Molly enters.)
Molly: Hello.
Jerry: Hi.
George: Hi.
Molly: I'm Molly.
Jerry: Oh, I'm Jerry.
George: George.
Jerry: We're here discussing our script with your father.
George: He just read it. (Russell vomits again. Jerry and George look ashamed.)
Molly: Daddy? Are you okay?
Russell (From Bathroom): Yeah, yeah sweetie. I'm fine. (Molly sits on the back of the chair.)
George: So, you live with your mother, huh?
Molly: Uh, yeah.
George (To Jerry): Divorce is very difficult. Especially on a kid.
Jerry: Uh huh.
George: Of course, I'm the result of my parents having stayed together, so you never know. (Russell comes out of the bathroom.)
Molly: Daddy, are you alright? What's the matter?
Russell: It's just a stomach thing.
Molly: Yuck.
Russell (To Jerry And George): We're going to have to do this some other time, so if you'll give me your number, I'll call you later. (Jerry and George nod. Molly takes her jacket off.)
George: You know, suddenly I'm in the mood for pasta primavera myself. (Jerry nudges George to sneak a peek at Molly's cleavage as she bends over and looks in her backpack. Jerry has a quick look, but George stares, hypnotized. Russell comes up behind George.)
Russell (Angrily): Get a good look, Costanza?
Jerry: What were you doing?
George: Well, it's not my fault. You poked me!
Jerry: You're supposed to just take a peek after a poke. You were like you just put a quarter into one of those big metal things on top of the Empire State Building.
George: It's cleavage. I couldn't look away. What am I, waiting to win an Oscar here? This is all I have in my life.
Jerry: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun, you don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.
George: All right. So, he caught me in a cleavage peek, so big deal. Who wouldn't look at his daughter's cleavage? She's got nice cleavage.
Jerry: That's why I poked.
George: That's why I peeked. (Jerry opens the door to take some trash out, and meets Kramer and Gail in the hallway.)
Gail: Hey! What is with your friend Elaine?
Jerry: What?
Gail: She comes to my restaurant, comes right in my kitchen, and starts complaining that I'm talking about her shoes.
Jerry: She did?
Kramer: Right in the kitchen. Disgraceful.
Gail: So, I don't want people coming into my kitchen. I think she might have sneezed all over someone's pasta primavera. Someone might have gotten sick because of her. (Kramer and Gail exit.)
George: Pasta primavera?
Jerry: Is that what she said? (Kramer pokes his head back in the door.)
Kramer (To Jerry): She's somethin', huh? She's a wild one. She's wearin' me out.
Jerry: She is?
Kramer: She's sensual. You know, with the...cooking and all. (Kramer grins happily at Jerry and leaves. The phone rings. Jerry tosses the trashbag to George.)
Jerry: Hello? Oh, hi Stu.
George (Lazily Swinging The Garbage Bag Around): From NBC?
Jerry: (to George) Yeah. (oh the phone) What's goin' on? What? Really? Oh my god...did he give you a reason?...Oh boy. Okay. Alright. Thanks. (hangs up.) Dalrymple just cancelled the pilot. (George drops the bag, shocked.)
Jerry (To Elaine): If you hadn't gone into her restaurant, this never would have happened.
Elaine: Look, I don't like people talking about my shoes behind my back, okay? My shoes are my business. The two of you shouldn't have been looking at some fifteen year-old's cleavage anyway!
George: He poked me!
Jerry: There was cleavage in the area. That's a reflex - (mimics nudging someone with an elbow) - cleavage-poke, cleavage-poke...
Elaine: But she was fifteen.
Jerry: You don't consider age in the face of cleavage. This occurs on a molecular level, you can't control it! We're like some kind of weird fish where the eyes operate independently of the head.
George: Alright, what's the difference. What are we gonna do now? He won't take our calls, we can't get into his office...
Jerry: You know what we could do? He eats at that restaurant, Pfeiffer's? We could have Gail call us, tell us the next time he's there, go there and talk to him.
George: Hey, now you're onto something.
Jerry: The whole thing is so stupid. Like he wouldn't do the same thing if Elaine walked by in a low-cut dress.
George: Yeah. Well, maybe not Elaine.
Jerry: No.
George: But...somebody like Gail, though.
Jerry: Ya.
Elaine: What? What do you mean, Gail? (Kramer enters.)
Kramer: Yah-hey.
Jerry: Kramer, listen, I want you to ask Gail to do me a favor. The next time Russell Dalrymple comes in the restaurant, ask her if she would call me.
Kramer: Alright, I'll call her right now.
Jerry: Ok. (Kramer goes back to his apartment.)
Elaine (To George): What do you mean, Gail? You don't think I can attract attention? You don't think I can put asses in the seats?
Jerry: Look, sweetheart, you know you've got it all. But let's face it... (Kramer comes back.)
Kramer: She said she'll do it.
George: Beautiful.
Jerry: Beautiful.
Kramer (Points At Elaine'S Feet): But she wants the shoes.
Elaine: What?
Kramer: She says she wants those shoes.
Elaine: She wants my shoes? What kind of person is this? Alright! She is not getting 'em!
Jerry: No, come on! I'll buy you another pair!
Elaine: No, these were the last pair of these that they had!
Jerry: I'll get you another one just like it!
Elaine: No, but these were the only really cool ones like this! Don't you see how everybody likes 'em and how everybody talks about 'em? (Jerry, realizing Elaine's motivation, sits at the counter unbelievingly.)
George (To Elaine, In A Somber Tone): Elaine, this pilot...it doesn't matter to me, it's not me I'm concerned about...it's my mother. I've been over to the hospital to see her...
Elaine: Oh yeah, because she caught you jer -
George: Never mind!
Elaine: Oh, come on, wait a second, this whole thing is ridiculous. How do I even know she wears the same size?
Kramer: Alright, what size are you?
Elaine: Seven-and-a-half.
Kramer: Eh! Bingo.
Gail (Hands A Plate To Another Chef): Sauce this. (Goes to the telephone and dials.) Yeah, he's here. Oh, and one more thing...bring the shoes. (Hangs up.)
Jerry: Hey! Whattaya know!
George: Look who's here!
Jerry: Fancy meeting you here!
Russell: Oh. Hello.
George (Notices Russell'S Lunch): Pasta primavera! Back on the horse.
Jerry: You know, it's a funny thing, because after the pilot got cancelled, we hadn't heard from you.
George: Didn't hear anything...
Jerry: Didn't know...we were wondering...what happened.
Russell: Well, it just didn't seem to be the right project for us right now. (Elaine walks by in a low-cut dress. Jerry and George look at her as she moves to the table opposite Russell.) So, what were you saying?
George: Oh...uh, because if it had anything at all to do with what you perceived as me leering at your daughter, I really have to take issue with that. I did not leer. (To Jerry) Did I leer?
Jerry: No leer. (Elaine comes over to Russell's table.)
Elaine (To Russell): Uh, excuse me, are you using that ketchup?
Russell (Not Noticing Elaine'S Cleavage): Uh, no. (Elaine takes the ketchup and goes back to her table.)
George: Because, if I'm looking straight ahead, and something enters my field of vision, that's merely a happenstance. (Elaine loudly snaps and unfolds her napkin at the next table to get Russell's attention.)
Russell: Under the circumstances, I don't really feel that we should be in business together. (Elaine comes back over.)
Elaine: Here's your ketchup back. You know, I had the hardest time trying to get some out. I mean, I just kept pounding and pounding on the bottom of it. Do you have any trouble?
Russell (Still Not Noticing Elaine'S Cleavage): No.
Elaine (Leaning Forward): Do you have a...ketchup secret?
Russell: No, I... (finally notices Elaine)...don't have a ketchup secret. (Smiles.)
Elaine (Flirtatiously): Because if you do have a ketchup secret, I would really, really like to know what it is. (Russell is pleased, and smiles at Elaine. Elaine goes back to her table, sits down, and waves at Russell.)
Russell (To Jerry And George, Reconsidering About The Pilot): Field of vision, huh?
Gail: How's everything?
Elaine: Mmmm.
Jerry: Really good.
George: This pasta primavera is fabulous.
Jerry: Very tasty.
Gail: How'd everything go with that NBC guy?
George: Great.
Jerry: The pilot's back on. In fact, Elaine's going out with him tomorrow night. (Gail nods and walks away.) Listen, Elaine, you know if Russell mentions anything about the pilot, you'll of course tell him how much you liked it...?
Elaine: You know, I happen to have the script right here with me and, uh...on page 3, for example, suppose the Elaine character comes in wearing a...a low-cut dress. And the butler is very distracted, and can't work.
Jerry: Uh...that kind of comedy, that's a little broad for us.
Elaine: Well, I'm sure it's right up Russell's alley.
George: Well, it's a funny idea.
Jerry: It's funny!
George: C'mon, funny is funny.
Jerry: Funny is funny, we're here to entertain, right?
Elaine: Alright, well, maybe I'll mention it to Russell tomorrow night.
Jerry: If you can.
George: Yeah. Where's he taking you, by the way?
Elaine: Bouchard's, on 53rd. (George starts choking on his wine, and attempts to tell Elaine something.)
Jerry: I think what he's trying to say is, "get the bouilla-base." (George nods 'yes' and continues to choke.)


Allison: I don't want to *live*! I don't want to *live*!
George: Because of me? You must be joking! Who wouldn't want to live because of me? I'm nothing!
Allison: No... You're *something*.
George: You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me. I'm no good!
Allison: You're good. You're *good*!
George: I'm bad. I'm *bad*!
Allison: You're *killing* me!
George: So what could I do? I couldn't go through with it. She threatened to kill herself.
Elaine: Over you?
George: Yes. Why, is that so inconceivable?
George: I got two tickets to see "Guys And Dolls".
Elaine: I got him a two-line phone.
Jerry: Unbelievable! She's not there.
George: What paper does she write for?
Jerry: The works for the NYU school newspaper. She's a grad student in journalism. Never been to a comedy club. Never even seen me, has no idea who I am.
Elaine: Never even seen you? Gotta kinda envy that...
Jerry: Y'know, you've been developing quite the acid-tongue lately...
Elaine: [Proudly] Really?
Elaine: Hey, who do you think is the most unattractive world leader?
Jerry: Living or all time?
Elaine: All time.
Jerry: Well, if it's all time, then there's no contest. It begins and ends with Brezhnev.
Elaine: I dunno. You ever get a good look at DeGaulle?
George: Lyndon Johnson was uglier than Degaulle.
Elaine: I got news for you. Golda Meir could make 'em all run up a tree.
Elaine: Y'know, just because you two are homosexuals, so what? I mean you should just come out of the closet and be openly gay already.
George: So, whaddya say? You know you'll always be the only man I'll ever love.
Jerry: [indignantly] What's the matter with you?
George: [quietly] C'mon, go along...
Jerry: I'm not goin' along. I can just see you in Berlin in 1939 goose- stepping past me "C'mon Jerry, go along, go along..."
Jerry: Y'know I hear that all the time.
Elaine: Hear what?
Jerry: That I'm gay. People think I'm gay.
Elaine: Yeah, you know people ask me that about you, too.
Jerry: Yeah, 'cuz I'm single, I'm thin and I'm neat.
Elaine: And you get along well with women.
George: I guess that leaves me in the clear...
George: I just thought of a great name for myself, if I ever become a porno actor.
Jerry: Oh yeah, what? "Buck Naked"?
George: Yeah, how did you know that?
Jerry: You told me that already like two months ago.
George: Allison bought it for me.
Jerry: How you gonna get out of *that* one?
George: I dunno. I guess I have to wait for her to die.
Jerry: He's gonna hang around if that's alright with you?
Sharon: Sure, I'd like to talk to him, too.
George: Jerry did you wash this pear?
Jerry: Yeah, I washed it.
George: It looks like it hasn't been washed.
Jerry: So *wash* *it*.
George: You hear the way he talks to me?
Sharon: You should hear how *my* boyfriend talks to me...
George: Let me ask you something. What do you think of this shirt?
Sharon: It's nice.
George: Jerry said he didn't like it.
Jerry: I didn't say I didn't like it. I said it was O.K...
George: No, you said you didn't like it...
Jerry: Oh, so what if I don't like it. Is that like the end of the world, or something?
Sharon: So how did you two meet?
Jerry: Actually, we met in the gym locker room.
George: Yeah. Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since.
(George Takes A Hold Of Jerry'S Leg To Stress The Point And Sharon, Who Obviously Thinks She Has A Real Story Here Now, Asks Another Question: )
Sharon: Do you guys live together?
Jerry: [quizzically] Live together?
George: No, I got my own place.
(Jerry Is About *This* Close (Picture My Thumb And Forefinger *Really* Close Together) To Figuring Out What Is Going On Here, When The "Question Fatale" Is Asked: )
Sharon: And do your parents know?
Jerry: Know *what*?
George: My parents? They don't know *what's* goin' on...
Jerry: Oh God, you're that girl in the coffee shop that was eavesdropping on us. I *knew* you looked familiar!
Jerry: There's been a big misunderstanding here! We did that whole thing for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why my friend said all that. It was on purpose! We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that...
George: No, of course not...
Jerry: I mean that's fine if that's who you are...
George: Absolutely...
Jerry: I mean I have many gay friends...
George: My *father* is gay...
Sharon: Look, I know what I heard.
Jerry: It was a *joke*...
George: Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do want to have sex with me right now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon!
(Not That That Approach Was Going To Work, Or Anything, But What Minute Chance They Had Of Convincing Her Is Blown Away As The Door Bursts Open And: )
Kramer: Hey, C'mon! Let's go! I thought we were going to take a steam!
George: No!
Jerry: No steam!
Kramer: Well I don't want to sit there naked all by myself!
Kramer: Happy birthday paruba!
Jerry: Today's not my birthday.
Kramer: Well, I beg to differ...
Jerry: Look at this! A phone! A two-line phone!
Jerry: Hey, where you going?
Elaine: I gotta go return something...
Sharon: Jerry, it's Sharon from NYU. I'm just calling to tell you that I'm not going to play up that angle we talked about and I'm sorry.
Jerry: Thank you very much, that's great- >click< Oh! Hold on a sec, I got a call on the other line. >click click< Hello?
George: Hey.
Jerry: Hey, how ya doin'? Y'know I got that reporter from the newspaper on the other line.
George: So, what did she say?
Jerry: She says she's not going to play up that angle of the story. She thinks we're heterosexual. [sarcastically] I guess we *fooled* her. I'll get rid of her, hold on... >click click< Sharon? Hello? Sharon, are you there? >click click< I'm back...
George: Y'know... I could hear you on the other line...
Jerry: What are you talkin' about?
George: I heard what you said "Sharon, are you there?".
Jerry: You heard me talkin' on the other line, are you sure?
George: Yes, I heard you!
Jerry: Well, maybe she was disconnected.
George: Maybe she wasn't! Maybe she heard the whole conversation!
Jerry: Alright, hang on. Let me call Kramer and see if you can hear anything, hold on. >click click click<...
Kramer: Yello?
Jerry: Kramer, there may be a problem with the phone, hold on. >click click<
George: "There may be a problem with the phone, hold on"!
Jerry: Oh no! >click click< Kramer, this phone's a piece of junk, goodbye!
George: "The phone's a piece of junk, goodbye"!
Jerry: Oh no! Now she's heard everything! What are we gonna do?!?
George: Now she thinks we're gay, not that there's anything wrong with it...
Jerry: No, no, of course not! People's personal sexual preferences are nobody's business but their own!
Sharon: Why don't you take a seat?
Elaine: Thank-you.
Sharon: Why don't you take your coat off?
Elaine: So she kept insisting I take off my coat. I refused, and then she forcibly tried to get me to remove it.
Jerry: She wouldn't take her coat off at my house, either.
George: Y'know there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war!
Jerry: So you don't take your coat off, and now everyone at NYU thinks I'm gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that...
George: Not at all.
George: Two tickets to "Guys And Dolls"! I'm gonna go with you!
Jerry: "Guys And Dolls"? Isn't that a lavish, Broadway musical?
George: It's "Guys And *Dolls*", not "Guys And *Guys*".
Jerry: "The Collected Works Of Bette Midler".
Jerry: What do you got there?
Man #1: _The New York Post_, they've got an article about you.
Jerry: "Although they maintain separate residences, the comedian and his long-time *companion* seem to be inseparable..." Oh no! The Associated Press picked up the NYU story. That's going to be in every paper! I've been "outed"! I wasn't even "in"!
George: Now everyone's going to think we're gay!
Jerry: Not that there's anything wrong with that...
George: No, not at all...
Jerry: "Within the confines of his fastidious bachelor *pad*, Seinfeld and Costanza bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of *fruit* like an old married couple-" *I told you that pear was washed*!
Kramer: I thought we were friends...
Jerry: Here we go...
Kramer: I mean, how could you two keep this a secret from me?
Jerry: It's not true!
Kramer: Aaaah! Enough lying! The lying is through! C'mon, Jerry, the masquerade is over. You're thin, late thirties, single...
Jerry: So are you...
Kramer: Yeah-
George: Hello?
Mrs. S: George?
George: Mrs. Seinfeld?!?
Mrs. S: Oh, my God...
Jerry: Oh, my God! [takes the phone] Ma?
Mrs. S: Jerry?
Jerry: Ma!
George: Oh, my God! My *MOTHER*!!!
Mrs. S: Jerry?
Jerry: Ma, it's not true!
Mr. S: It's those damn culottes you made him wear when he was five!
Mrs. S: They weren't culottes, they were shorts.
Mr. S: They were culottes! You bought them in the girl's department.
Mrs. S: By mistake! By mistake, Jerry! I'm sorry!
Mr. S: It looked like he was wearing a skirt, for crying out loud!
Jerry: Ma, it has nothing to do with the culottes!
Mrs. S: Not that there's anything wrong with that, Jerry.
Mrs. C: I open up the paper, and *this* is what I have to read about? I fell right off the toilet. My back went out again, I couldn't move... The super had to come and get help me up. I was half naked!
George: It's *not* *true*!
Mrs. C: Every *day* it's something else with you. I don't know anything about you any more. Who are you? What kind of life are you leading? Who knows *what* you're doing? Maybe you're making porno films.
George: Yeah. I'm Buck Naked.
Mrs. C: Jerry, I can see. He's so neat and thin. Not that there's anything wrong with it.
George: Of course not...
Nurse: 630, Scott. Time for your sponge bath.
George: Alright, now the play is tomorrow night. So do you want to have dinner first, or do you just want to meet at the theatre?
Sailor: Excuse me, sir? I don't mean to bother you. I just wanted you to know that it took a lot of guts to come out the way you did, and that you've inspired me to do the same, even though that may mean a discharge from the service. Thanks.
Jerry: Y'know, I think I'll pass on the "Guys And Dolls"...
George: No. Just imagine her reaction.
Elaine: Yeah...
George: Oh, my God...
Jerry: What?
George: She hasn't seen the article! When she sees it, she's gonna think- *I'm out baby*!! I'm out!!!!!
Allison: Yeah? So?
George: Yeah so??
Allison: Well this is nice. They mention your name.
George: Don't you see what it says here? Don't you understand what that's implying?
Allison: No, what?
George: I'm gay! I'm a gay man! I'm very, very gay.
Allison: You're *gay*?
George: Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness.
Allison: [matter-of-factly] I don't believe it.
George: You don't believe me? Ask Jerry.
Allison: I will.
George: What do you mean you will? That's a bad idea. Jerry is a very private person.
Allison: [Grabs George's lapels] I want to hear it from *Jerry*...
Sharon: Oh, can you ever forgive me?
Jerry: I dunno... [they kiss again] *Alright*, I forgive you...
Sharon: Y'know the funny thing is, I was attracted to you immediately.
Jerry: I was attracted to you, too. You remind me of Lois Lane.
George: Jerry! Oh, my God! What are you doing!?!
Jerry: What!?
George: You're with a *woman*!
Jerry: I know! What are you doin' here?!?
George: I leave you alone for two seconds, and this is what you do! I trusted you!
Jerry: [forcibly removing G. from the apt] Would you get the Hell out of here!
Sharon: What's going on?
Allison: Yeah, what's going on?
George: Alright, tell her. Go ahead.
Jerry: Tell her what?
George: Y'know. About *us*.
George: Alright, I'll tell you the truth. I'm not gay. My name's Buck Naked, I'm a porno actor.
Allison: *Really*?
Kramer: We'll see you later...
Kramer: He's the *phone* man!
Kramer: Not that there's anything wrong with that...
I Am Not Gay. I Am, However, Thin, Single And Neat. Sometimes When Someone Is Thin, Single And Neat People Assume They Are Gay Because That Is A Stereotype. They Normally Don'T Think Of Gay People As Fat, Sloppy And Married. Although I'M Sure There Are, I Don'T Want To Perpetuate The Stereotype. I'M Sure They Are The Minority Though Within The Gay Community. They'Re Probably Discriminated Against Because Of That, People Say To Them "Y'Know Joe, I Enjoy Being Gay With You But I Think Think It'S About Time, Y'Know That You Got In Shape, Tucked The Shirt In And Lost The Wife". But If People Are Even Going To Assume That People That Are Neat Are Gay, Maybe Instead Of Doin' This: "Y'know I think Joe might be a little... [waves hand back and forth]", they should vacuum "Y'know I think Joe might be >vroom< [makes vacuuming motion]. Yeah, I got a feeling he's a little >vrooom<..."


George: Oh, what's the point? When I like them, they don't like me, when they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones I like the same way I do with the ones I don't like?
Jerry: Well, you've only got another fifty years or so to go before it'll *all* be over...
George: Maybe I need someone who doesn't speak English.
Jerry: Yeah, how about a mute?
George: A mute would be good.
Jerry: Ah, where you gonna meet a mute?
George: This is what my life has come to... Tryin to meet a mute.
George: I dunno, Jerry somethin's missing. There's a void, Jerry, there's a void...
Jerry: A deep, yawning chasm...
George: There's gotta be more to life than this. What gives you pleasure?
Jerry: Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.
Elaine: Hey boys!
Jerry: Hey! How you doin'?
Elaine: Good. Okay, well, it's all set. I start tomorrow.
George: Start what?
Elaine: I signed up to do volunteer work with senior citizens.
George: *Really*.
Elaine: Yeah. God, I can't tell you how I feel! I mean, I feel *so* *good*! I *really* feel good. The strange thing is, I mean, I haven't even met the woman yet.
George: Volunteer work, huh?
Jerry: What're you gonna do down there?
Elaine: Well, they say all it is is that you go over to their apartment and, I dunno, you take them for a walk and you get a cup of coffee and it's supposed to make them feel good.
Jerry: That's what I do with him [points at George]
George: When did you get this idea?
Elaine: Last time I had lunch with you here. You were going *on* and *on* and *on* about how you wanted to meet somebody who didn't speak English.
Jerry: What, do you break it in with her, then you try it out on me?
George: And... and anybody can do this?
Elaine: Yup.
George: Helping people... Of course. Of course! It makes perfect sense! How could I *not* be doing this!? I am gonna help somebody, Dammit!
Elaine: [To Jerry] What about you?
Jerry: Nah, it's not for me.
Elaine: Jerry, if anybody should be doing this, it's you.
George: What *kind* of a person are you?
Jerry: I think I'm pretty much like you- only successful.
Agency Rep: This is a wonderful thing you're doing. They're so grateful just to have someone to talk to. And I can tell you that everyone who participates finds the experience extremely rewarding.
George: Well, I feel better already. I'm feelin' like a good person.
Agency Rep: Good luck.
Jerry: Thank you.
George: Hey, what's your guy's name again?
Jerry: Fields. Sidney Fields. *87* years old. *87*. How about your guy?
George: Ben Cantwell. 85. Huh... You think we'll make it to that age?
Jerry: *We*? No.
Kramer: So what's up, Diggity Dog?
Jerry: George and I just signed up with the Senior Citizen's Volunteer Agency. Same thing Elaine's doing.
Kramer: Oh, that's too bad. Now don't say I didn't try to warn you.
Jerry: What're you talkin' about?
Kramer: Oh, Jerry, I'm *surprised* at you!
Jerry: What?
Kramer: It's a *con*. These agencies are usually a front for some money laundering scheme. Or they're bunko artists; bilkin' people out of their life savings, oh *yeah*.
Jerry: Where do you *get* this?
Kramer: The alternative media, Jerry. That's where you hear the truth.
Newman: Kramer?! Kramer!? Where are you? Kramer!?! Kramer!!?
Kramer: I'm in here. C'mon...
Jerry: Hello, *Newman*...
Newman: Jerry, George. [To Kramer] So, did you ask him about the records?
Kramer: Well-
Jerry: What records?
Kramer: Well, Newman and I are going partners selling used records.
Newman: You know Ron's Records down on Bleeker? They pay big cash for used records!
Kramer: Yeah, so we thought if you had any of those big, y'know, old-fashioned useless records, y'know, just... lyin' around-
Kramer: Y'know, we'd take them off your hands, free of charge.
George: Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?
Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.
George: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
Newman: Sometimes...
Jerry: Why *is* that?
Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out but the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the bar code reader breaks and it's *Publisher's Clearing House* day!!!
Ron: I'll give you five bucks.
Kramer: Five bucks???
Newman: Well, you know how much those records are worth!?
Ron: Yeah, I do... Fi' dollars.
Newman: Those records are worth more than five dollars!
Kramer: [In Newman's ear] He's gyppin' us...
Newman: You're gyppin' us!
Ron: Well, whattya got here, y'know, you got "Don Ho Live At Honolulu", you got "Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs" you got Sergio Mendes, now come on...
Kramer: Wait, wait, wait... Sergio Mendes has a cult following.
Newman: They follow him like a cult.
Kramer: He can't even walk down the street in South America...
Ron: Look, that's his problem, alright? Now you don't like it, too bad.
Kramer: [In Newman's ear] I don't like it...
Newman: I don't like it.
Ron: Well, then get the Hell out of my store, alright? You bring me something decent, I'll give you some money.
Kramer: [In Newman's ear] Alright, well be back, jack.
Newman: Alright, well be back... *jack*!
Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.
Housekeeper: Agency?
Jerry: Yeah, is this Sid Field's residence?
Housekeeper: Sid Fields.
Sid: What the *Hell* is it?
Jerry: Mr. Fields?
Sid: What!?!
Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.
Sid: Agency? What agency? The *CIA*?
Jerry: No, no, the-
Sid: Who let you in here?
Jerry: The woman, she-
Sid: Oh *her*. She *steals* from me. Steals my money. She says she doesn't speak English. My *ass* she doesn't speak English. Plays that freakin' "voo-doo" music, tries to hypnotize me. She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well, I wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as Hell wasn't born yesterday. Now get the Hell out of my house...
Jerry: Mr. Fields, I'm here to spend some time with you.
Sid: Oh, really. Are you the boyfriend? I know she's got a boyfriend. Are you going to *kill* me? I'm an old man for crying out loud, you gonna kill an old man, you coward?!? [Jerry gets out card]
Jerry: No, Mr. Field, look, really I'm-
Sid: I can't read that you fool...
Jerry: What's all this stuff?
Sid: Trash. Garbage.
Jerry: You're throwin' this out??
Sid: I believe that's what you do with garbage, you idiot.
(You Can Make Out The Albums Pretty Clearly. One Is An Apparent K-Tel "Classic": "22 Explosive Hits", I don't know the other one. Anyone? I believe "The Beatles" (The White Album) is there also.)
Jerry: You don't want any of this?
Sid: Well if I wanted it I wouldn't be throwing it away, *Ein-stein*.
Jerry: You know I have some friends who would really like to have these.
Sid: Well, take it. I'm sure as Hell not going to give it to my family.
Jerry: Well, do you want to go out for a walk, get a cup of coffee...
Sid: With you? I'd rather be dead.
Jerry: Well, maybe I'll get goin' then. I just remembered I got an appointment to get my, um, tonsils out.
Sid: Good. Thank God. Good riddance. [pause] Oh listen, before you go, would you mind changing my diaper? HAA!!
Ben: No, I feel great for 85.
George: Y'know the average life span for an American male is like, 72. You're really... kinda pushin' the envelope there.
Ben: I'm not afraid of dyin'. I never think about it.
George: You don't? Boy, I think about it a lot. I think about it at my age. Imagine how much I'll be thinkin' about it at your age. All I'll do is keep thinkin' about it until it drives me insane...
Ben: I'm grateful for every moment I have.
George: Grateful? How can you be grateful when you're *so* close to the end? When you know that any second- Poof! Bamm-O! It can all be over. I mean you're not stupid, you can read the handwriting on the wall. It's a matter of simple arithmetic, for Gods sake...
Ben: I guess I just don't care.
George: What are you talking about? How can you sit there and look me in the eye and tell that me you're not worried?! Don't you have any *sense*?!! Don't you have a brain!? Are you so completely senile that you don't know what you're talkin about Anymore!!?!
George: Wait a second, where are you going?
Ben: Life's too short to waste on you.
George: Wait a minute, please-
Ben: Get out of my way...
George: But Mr. Cantwell, you... you owe me for the soup...
Elaine: Mrs. Oliver?
Mrs. O: Yes my dear.
Elaine: Ooh!
Mrs. O: What's the trouble? Are you alright?
Elaine: Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.
Mrs. O: It's my goiter, isn't it?
Elaine: Did you say goiter? What goiter?
Mrs. O: This football-shaped lump jutting out the side of my neck.
Elaine: Oh, *that* goiter. Hey... Heh heh heh... Whaddya know...
Mrs. O: Does it bother you?
Elaine: Bother me? Oh, phhbt... Why would a little goiter like that bother me? No, not a bit. It's nothing. It's nothin', it's um, in fact, it's um, it's very distinctive, y'know? Um, I mean you want to know something? I, I wish I had one. [pause] Really.
Jerry: C'mon Elaine, it's just a goiter...
Elaine: I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't look the woman in the face. I mean I keep thinkin' that that goiter's gonna start talkin' to me... You'd think they'd mention that before they send you over there "Oh, by the way, this woman *almost* has a second head". But no, no, I didn't get any goiter information.
Jerry: They really should mention that in the breakdown height, weight, goiter.
Elaine: Y'know you try to do some good. You want to be a good person but this is too much to ask.
Jerry: Yeah, well, I'll tell ya, I'd rather talk to a goiter with a nice disposition than the nut they sent me to.
Elaine: Hey Georgie, what happened with your guy?
George: I don't think it's gonna work out...
Jerry: Whattya mean?
George: He fired me.
Jerry: He fired you?!?
Elaine: *How* do you get fired from a volunteer job?
George: I dunno. I was just talking to the man and he walked out on me!
Jerry: Well, I dunno about you two, but I'm quitting. I hate my guy. He's a mean, mean guy.
Elaine: I wish I could quit...
Jerry: So quit!
George: Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up.
Kramer: Well, here's your *albums* [Journey "Escape" is on top, BTW...]
Jerry: What happened?
Newman: Five dollars. He offered us *five* dollars.
Kramer: Hey, what kind of stuff are you listening to? You *embarrassed* me at that store.
Newman: That guy thought we were a couple of total squares.
Jerry: Oh yeah, you and your *Sergio Mendes*...
Kramer: Hey, hey, hey, hey, that guy can't even go to the bathroom in South America!
Jerry: Well you shoulda seen the pile of albums this old guy I was visiting today was throwing away Sinatra, Duke Ellington, Al Jolson, Benny Goodman...
Kramer: Wait, wait, wait, now... He's throwin them out??
Jerry: Yeah, and then I asked him if my friend could have them and he said yeah.
Kramer: Okay...
Newman: [In Kramer's ear] The old coot's sittin' on a mountain of gold!
Kramer: Yeah...
Jerry: But you're going to have to go get em. I'm not carryin' them all.
Kramer: Yeah, but you've gotta come with us.
Jerry: Yeah, I'm goin' there today. In fact you should see this house keeper he's got. She's from Senegal [and, ala Carson] Wild, Wild, Stuff...
George: Senegal?
George: So you don't speak *any* English at all?
Housekeeper: English? No.
Sid: Hey, what are those bums doin' back there?
Jerry: Well you said they could come and take the records.
Sid: It's like watchin' a couple of hyenas goin' through the garbage.
George: You don't speak *any* English?
Housekeeper: No English.
George: I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body. [No reaction] You don't understand! It's a miracle! You don't understand because you don't speak English!
Jerry: So Mr. Fields I just don't know if this arrangement is-
Sid: Hey, I don't like what's goin' on around here. I want all you bums outta here.
Kramer: Now calm down, Mr. Fields...
Sid: Now don't tell me to calm down... Get your hands off of me! Why you little...
Kramer: Oooow! He's biting me!
Sid: My teeth! My teeth!
Jerry: Where's his teeth! Where's his teeth!
George: I thought I saw something fly over here...
Jerry: Well turn the light on...
Jerry: That's the garbage disposal!
Sid: My teeth! You idiots!!!
Mrs. O: And we would take long automobile trips-
Elaine: Oh, well, that sounds like a lot of fun...
Mrs. O: Staring out the window-
Elaine: Uh huh...
Mrs. O: You'd see a long view of rolling pastures and-
Elaine: Well, that'll get you goin' right there...
Mrs. O: Big, roaming cows-
Elaine: Cows, well that's fascinating...
Mrs. O: That's when I began my affair with Mohandas.
Elaine: What?
Mrs. O: Mohandas.
Elaine: Ghandhi?
Mrs. O: Oh, the *passion*. The *forbidden pleasure*-
Elaine: You had an affair with Ghandhi? MRS. O He used to dip his bald head in oil and rub it all over my body. Here, look... [shows Elaine a picture of the two together]
Elaine: Oh, my God... The Mohatma?
Ron: Twenty bucks.
Newman: Twenty bucks?!? Are you out of your mind?
Ron: Well, take it or leave it.
Newman: Take it or leave it!? We got *Al Jolson* here, *Al Jolson*!!
Ron: Now what the Hell do I care about Al Jolson. I'd just assume her you sing "Mammy". Heh heh heh...
Kramer: [In Newman's ear] This guy's nothin' but a piece of crap...
Newman: You are nothing but a piece of crap.
Ron: Pardon me?
Kramer: [In Newman's ear] A piece of crap...
Newman: A piece of crap.
Kramer: [In Newman's ear] I find you extremely ugly...
Newman: I find you extremely ugly.
Ron: *Do* you?
Kramer: [In Newman's ear] You emit a foul and unpleasant odour...
Newman: You emit a foul and unpleasant odour.
Ron: Oh, is that right?
Kramer: [In Newman's ear] I *loathe* you...
Newman: I *loathe* you.
Ron: That's it. Get out of my store!
Kramer: [In Newman's ear] Make us.
Newman: Make us!
Ron: Oh, I'll make you!
Agency Rep: Do you realize how irresponsible this is? Our agency's sole purpose is to care for senior citizens. And in one fell swoop you've single- handedly destroyed our reputation.
Jerry: Yes, but-
Jerry: [Into intercom] Yes?
Tim: It's Tim Fields, Mr. Fields' son.
Jerry: Alright, c'mon up.
Jerry: [To Rep] I dunno what happened, we were just trying to take him to the dentist.
Agency Rep: Why were you taking him to the dentist?
Jerry: Um, well, his false teeth got mangled up in the garbage disposal-
Agency Rep: What were his false teeth doing in the garbage disposal?
Jerry: Well, after he bit my friend-
Agency Rep: Bit your friend?!
Tim: What the *Hell* is going on here? How do you *lose* a human being?!
Jerry: I, I'm sorry.
Tim: And who were these other people. What were they doing in the apartment!?
Jerry: Well, I brought them up there to take his records-
Tim: Take his *records*? Do you realize how valuable that record collection is?
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: There you are. Did you find him?
Kramer: No, y'know we took the old man's records over to Ron's and he tried to *screw* us so we got in a fight.
Newman: It was a real melee.
Kramer: Yeah, a real brouhaha...


Sidra: Oh, hi Jerry.
Jerry: Hi, Sidra. I usually last about ten minutes on a Stairmaster. Unless of course there's someone stretching in front of me in a leotard, then I can go an hour.
Sidra (Amused): Really.
Jerry: Oh, yeah. That's why they call it a Stairmaster. You get up there and you stare.
Sidra (Stepping Off): Well, I'm done. I think I'm gonna go take a sauna.
Jerry: Alright, I'll see you Thursday night, right?
Sidra: Thursday night.
Jerry: Alright.
Elaine: Good workout?
Jerry (Mimics Smoking An "After Sex Cigarette"): Tremendous workout.
Elaine: That's a pretty girl.
Jerry: Tremendous girl.
Elaine: She's the one you went out with last night?
Jerry: Yeah. I really like her.
Elaine: You know, uh...they're fake.
Jerry: What? Don't say that!
Elaine: Nah! They're fake!
Jerry: How do you know?
Elaine: I can tell. You know how you're always bragging how you can spot a lesbian?
Jerry: I'm not bragging, I happen to have a very keen lesbian eye. (A woman walks by Jerry and Elaine.) Hi, how ya doin.' (Jerry jerks a thumb at the woman to confirm his talent. Elaine is skeptical.)
Elaine: Oh, right. C'mon, don't you think they seem a bit too perfect?
Jerry: Yes, they do!
Elaine: I never knew you were so into breasts. I thought you were a leg man.
Jerry: A leg man? Why would I be a leg man? I don't need legs. I have legs. Have you ever seen her naked in the locker room?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: Oh, well, then I can't accept your testimony. Maybe if you had seen her naked.
Elaine: I don't want to see her naked.
Jerry: Well, I do.
Elaine: Well, that's your problem.
Jerry: Look, you made the allegation. The least you could do is follow up.
Elaine: Jerry, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna go in there and spy on her in the sauna?
Jerry: Yes! Go in there! Do a little investigative journalism. I need to know!
Elaine: But a few more dates and you can find out for yourself!
Jerry: Don't be so sure. Look at George - he's on his ninth date with Betsy, he still hasn't gotten anywhere with her.
Elaine: What's his problem?
Jerry: Well, every time he tries to make a move, something screws up. Like on their last date, they were on the couch, but she was sitting on his wrong side.
Elaine: Wrong side?
Jerry: Yeah, she was on his right side. He can't make a move with his left hand. Can't go left.
Elaine: He can't go left.
Jerry: No! I'm lefty, can't go right. What about women? Do they go left or right?
Elaine: Nah, we just play defense.
George: Can I ask you a question? Would you mind switching seats?
Betsy: Oh, actually, I really prefer to sit here. I don't hear very well out of this ear (points to her right ear) so, I always try to sit to the right of people.
George: I'll shout.
Betsy: Well, I really think I feel more comfortable here.
George: C'mon, c'mon...(stands up and physically rolls Betsy to the left side of the couch.) See, now, is that so bad?
Betsy: What? (The phone rings.)
George (Attempting To Make A Move): No, no, the machine'll get it...
Betsy: No, no, it's not on...
George: They'll call back.
Betsy: But George, what if it's an emergency?
George: In the whole world right now, there's maybe three emergencies. Why would you think, on this entire planet, that you're one of those three?
Betsy: George, please. (Gets up and answers the phone.) Hello? What? (shocked) Oh my god!
George: Alright, maybe four.
Elaine'S Brain: Boy, I'm really sweatin.' Good sweat, beads of sweat...sweatin' bullets. (Notices Sidra.) Look at her. I don't need to see her naked to know those aren't real. Why does she need to tie the towel around her? She's got a rack on her chest. (Sidra takes her towel off and lies down.) Oh god! Sidra's takin' the towel off! (Looks at Sidra's chest.) Whoa, doctor! That's it, I knew it! I knew it, they're definitely fake.
Betsy: So, when's the funeral? Well, Aunt Clarice was so ill, I guess it was really a blessing. (George, on the couch behind Betsy, is impatiently waiting for her to get off the phone so he can continue putting the moves on her. He shrugs, and crosses himself.) Yeah, I'll fly home as soon as I can. (George waves goodbye, and mimics a plane flying through the air with his hand.) O.k. You, too. Get some sleep. (Betsy looks at George, and he manufactures a completely phony look of sorrow.)
Jerry: You're sure?
Elaine: Positive! This chick's playin' with confederate money.
Jerry: Well then, that's it. That's the end of that.
Elaine: What? Just 'cause of that?
Jerry: Just 'cause of that? It's like finding out Mickey Mantle corked his bat!
Elaine: Oh, come on! You've dated women with nosejobs, what's the difference?
Jerry: You don't touch the nose! You don't aspire to reach the nose. You don't unhook anything to get to a nose, and no man has ever tried to look up a woman's nostril.
Elaine: You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?
Jerry: Well, I take it very seriously.
Elaine: You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey. You know, I do kinda wonder what fake breast feel like.
Kramer: Well, I know what they feel like.
Jerry: You? How do you know?
Kramer: Well, I lived in Los Angeles for three months.
Elaine (Laughs): I thought you hated Los Angeles.
Kramer: I do! I just miss the warm weather, y'know? Jeez. Oh man, I wish I could get away.
Jerry: Real busy now down at the office?
Kramer: No. Huh? You know who I saw at the health club? Salman Rushdie.
Elaine (Laughing): Yeah right, Salman Rushdie. Yeah well, I can see that - you got five millions Moslems after you, you wanna stay in pretty good shape.
George: I know what the problem is - I like her too much. That's why I can't make a move.
Jerry: You put her on a pedestal.
Kramer: I put them on a dental chair.
Jerry: He puts 'em on a dental chair.
George: I'm not her boyfriend. I want to be her boyfriend.
Kramer: Whoo. It's like a sauna in here.
George: That's funny. You're a funny guy.
Jerry: Yeah, funny. Yeah, I never heard that before. (To George) So, you goin' to the funeral?
George: Why, you think I should?
Jerry: What, are you kidding? It's a golden opportunity to advance the relationship. She's crying, you put your arm around her and console her...you're the consolation guy!
George: I'm the consolation guy...?
Kramer: Consolation Guy is big.
Jerry: Her aunt dying is the best thing that ever happened to you.
Kramer: It's like ten dates in one shot.
Jerry: This confers upon you instant boyfriend status. The family's there...you're taking care of things...you're gettin' the sandwiches...you're the rock!
George: It's in Detroit though, it's an expensive flight.
Kramer: Why don't you get a "death in the family" fare?
George: What?
Kramer: You go to the airlines, you tell them you got a death in the family? They give you 50% off the fare.
George: Really?
Kramer: In fact, listen...I'll go down there with ya. You know, we'll tell them there's a death in my family, you buy the ticket, I'll split it...then I'll get the bonus miles and you'll get to Detroit for a quarter of the price!
Elaine'S Brain: Boy, I'm gettin' a good sweat here. Great sweat, good beads. Nice beads.
Elaine'S Brain: Ah, look who's here. "Silicon Valley."
Sidra (To Her Friend): So anyway, we go out on one date, he asks me out for a second, then out of nowhere he cancels the date and says he doesn't want to see me again.
Elaine: Uh...sorry, I couldn't help overhearing.
Sidra: Oh, that's o.k.
Elaine: Did he give you a reason?
Sidra: Yeah. He's going back to his old girlfriend.
Elaine: Really?
Sidra: He said she's mentally ill. He's one of those guys who is obsessed with neatness and order? Everything has gotta be just so. He would have made a great Nazi.
Elaine: Hey, does he ever talk about Superman?
Sidra: Yes! How did you know?
Elaine: Oh, I know the type.
Sidra: So you can relate?
Elaine: Oh, yeah.
Sidra (Sits Across From Elaine And Takes Her Towel Off): You know, I've seen you around the club. My name's Sidra. This is Marcy.
Elaine: Oh, hi. I'm Elaine. (Gets up to shake Sidra's hand, but stumbles and falls "right into them.")
Elaine: So anyway, I stood up to shake her hand, then suddenly I lost my balance and I fell right into her.
Jerry: You fell on her?
Elaine: I touched 'em.
Jerry: You what?
Elaine: I...touched...'em.
Jerry: You touched 'em?!
Elaine: I needed them to help me break my fall! If it hadn't been for them, I could have really injured myself!
Jerry: Wow.
Elaine: Anyway...they're real.
Jerry: Excuse me?!
Elaine: I think they might be real.
Jerry: Oh, what do you know, you have no breast touching experience.
Elaine: I've touched mine!
Jerry: So have I.
Elaine: Oh, right...I forgot. (smiles)
Jerry: Anyway, touching two breasts doesn't make you an expert.
Elaine: Alright, well anyway, I think they're real. And if they are, I must say they are...spectacular.
Jerry: Aw, what are you doin' to me? (puts his head down on the counter.)
George (To Clerk): You see, my friend here, his aunt passed away last night.
Clerk (To Kramer): Oh, I'm very sorry.
Kramer: I saw her last week, she looked healthy and peaceful, but...she knew...
Clerk: You poor thing!
Kramer (Breaking Into Tears): I...I...
George: You don't think you can buy the ticket yourself...? No, there, there...you sit, and I'll purchase the ticket for you.
Clerk: You're a good friend.
George: I understand you offer a 50%-off 'bereavement' fare...?
Clerk: Yes, all you have to do is pay the full fare now, then return to any one of our counters with a copy of the death certificate, and we'll refund half your fare.
George: The death certificate?
Clerk: Yes, yes, we do need documentation or you know, people could take advantage.
George: What kind of a sick person would do a thing like that?
Clerk: I know! But it happens.
George: You want my friend to ask his uncle, a man who just lost his wife of 44 years, for a death certificate so that he can save a few bucks on a flight?
Clerk: That would be $387 round-trip.
Kramer (In A Perfectly Normal Tone Of Voice): Alright, so you'll need my frequent flyer number, huh?
Clerk: Yes.
Jerry: I don't know, one minute you say they're fake, the next minute you think they're real...I don't know what to believe!
Elaine: Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's touched 'em.
Jerry: But you were just grabbing on to them to save your life. If you were drowning and I threw you a life preserver, you think you could tell me if it was an inflatable?
Elaine: I wouldn't have said anything if I knew you were going to stop seeing her!
Jerry: Well, I don't mind someone with a phony personality, but I gotta draw the line somewhere.
Kramer: Hey!
Jerry: Hey. George off to Detroit?
Kramer: Yep! And, in two days, I'm off to Puerto Rico.
Elaine: Hey Kramer, by the way, I saw that guy at the health club...that is not Salman Rushdie.
Kramer: Pffft - wrong.
Jerry: There's Sidra.
Kramer: There's Salman.
Jerry: Where?
Kramer: Talkin' to that woman.
Jerry: Talkin' to Sidra?
Kramer: If that's Sidra, she's talkin' to Salman.
Jerry: I don't think that's Salman.
Kramer: Well, I don't think they're real.
Jerry: If that's Rushdie, they're real.
Kramer: If they're real, that's Rushdie.
Jerry: Well, I gotta know - I'm talkin' to Sidra.
Kramer: I gotta know, I'm talkin' to Salman.
Kramer: It's like a sauna in here, huh? I feel like I'm...back at the desert.
"Salman": You've lived in the desert?
Kramer: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've uh...I've spent a little time in the Mideast. You ever been to the Mideast?
"Salman": Yes, I've been there.
Kramer: My name's Kramer.
"Salman" (Shakes Kramer'S Hand): Sal Bass. Pleased to meet you, Kramer.
Kramer: So, uh...what kind of work do you do?
"Salman": I'm a writer.
Betsy (To Aunt May): Have you met my boyfriend George?
Aunt May: No! (shakes George's hand.)
Betsy: George, this is Aunt May, and Father Jessup. Oh, and that's my brother, Timmy. (Timmy smiles thinly.) This is my boyfriend, George.
Aunt May: Oh George, how nice of you to come all this way.
George: Well, I'm the boyfriend. Otherwise, what's the point of being the boyfriend? This is where you have to be when you're the boyfriend.
Aunt May: Betsy, dear, have you had anything to eat?
Betsy: I'm not very hungry.
Aunt May: They have some very nice snacks.
Father Jessup: I'm about to get myself a snack.
George: Oh, no, no, no...you sit right here...I will get you a nice snack.
Father Jessup: This is my third wake this month. It never gets any easier.
George (Loading Up His Plate With Sandwiches): Well, losing a loved is, uh...I mean, forget about it. (Starts wolfing down the sandwiches.)
Father Jessup: You seem to be of great comfort to Betsy, we're very appreciative.
George: Oh - comfort, schmomfort. Listen, Father, can I ask you a question? In a terrible time like this...who would I get the death certificate from?
Kramer: C'mon Jerry!
Jerry: Oh, how can you be so sure?
Kramer: Jerry, are you blind? He's a writer. He said his name was Sal Bass. Bass, Jerry! Instead of salmon, he went with bass! He just substituted one fish for another!
Jerry: Look, you idiot, first of all, it's Salman, not salmon!
Kramer: Jerry, Jerry, you're missing the big picture!
Jerry: Alright, maybe it is, but listen, I gotta get ready - Sidra's coming over in a few minutes, so if you don't mind...
Kramer: What, did you ask her?
Jerry: I'm gonna find out tonight.
Kramer (Nods): Oh, yes indeed...
Dr. Allenwood: Why do you need a death certificate?
George: Well, Dr, Allenwood, uh...I was hoping to compile an - admittedly, rudimentary - scrapbook of her life. Something that Betsy could have, and hold onto.
Dr. Allenwood: Well, I suppose I could make a copy of it.
George: Oh, that would be wonderful.
Dr. Allenwood: It was very nice meeting you, George.
George: Likewise.
Timmy: What are you doing?
George: What?
Timmy: Did...did you just double-dip that chip?
George: Excuse me?
Timmy: You double-dipped the chip!
George: "Double-dipped"? What are you talking about?
Timmy: You dipped the chip. You took a bite. (points at the dip) And you dipped again.
George: So...?
Timmy: That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip - just take one dip and end it!
George: Well, I'm sorry, Timmy...but I don't dip that way. (takes a chip.)
Timmy: Oh, you don't, huh?
George: No. (dips the chip) You dip the way you want to dip...(bites the chip) I'll dip the way I want to dip. (dips the chip again.)
Timmy: Gimme the chip! (Grabs George and the chip goes flying.) Gimme the chip! (They struggle in front of the snack table.)
Sidra: I don't know what I'm doing here, I must be crazy. (Moves to the couch and sits on the left side. Jerry tries to run over and beat her to it, but doesn't make it. He sits down on the right side.)
Jerry: Hey, would you mind switching seats?
Sidra: Why?
Jerry: Oh, I don't know...I just like sitting to the left of people, makes me feel like I'm driving.
Sidra: O.K...(they switch places.)
Jerry: How ya doin'?
Sidra: Good. How you doin'?
Jerry: Good, feel good...you know that Jayne Mansfield had some big breasts. Really big, huge...just coming out the top of her dress, they were like, chokin' her.
Sidra: I hear that's how she died.
Jerry: Have you noticed that women today are, you know, they seem...bigger.
Sidra: Well, a lot of women are having them done.
Jerry: Really?
Sidra: Yeah.
Jerry: How do you like that.
Sidra: A lot of people ask me if I've had mine done.
Jerry: Aw, you know people.
Sidra: It gets a little tiring, it's really none of their business.
Jerry: Oh, the nerve. You know, some people have asked me if you've uh, done that.
Sidra: What do you tell them?
Jerry: Whatever you want me to tell them.
Sidra: Well, I think you'll find out soon enough. (They prepare to kiss. There's a loud bang on the door.) Aren't you going to get that?
Jerry: No.
Sidra: What if it's an emergency?
Jerry: Oh, there's no emergency...
Kramer (In Hallway): Jerry! C'mon, it's an emergency!
Jerry: Excuse me. (Gets up and answers the door.) Alright, what is it? You're interrupting!
Kramer: Well, you know, I'm packing for Puerto Rico, I need to borrow your bathing suit.
Jerry: This is an emergency? You need a bathing suit?
Kramer: Well, I like yours.
Jerry: I don't know, my bathing suit? That's a little familiar, I don't want your...your boys down there.
Kramer: C'mon, what's wrong with my boys?
Jerry: Your boys should stay in their neighborhood.
Kramer: Alright, c'mon!
Jerry: Alright. It's in the top drawer. Hurry up. (Kramer goes to get the suit. Elaine enters.)
Elaine: Hi, Jer.
Jerry: Oh, hi, Elaine.
Elaine: Oh...hi, Sidra -
Sidra: Hi...Elaine? (Kramer comes back into the living room.)
Jerry (To Elaine): What are you doing here?
Elaine: I'm looking for Kramer.
Kramer: Yeah, she was just showing me pictures of places I can visit when I go to Puerto Rico...you know, when you two went down there?
Jerry: Oh. yeah. Alright. (pushes Kramer and Elaine out the door, then sits next to Sidra on the couch.) So, where were we?
Sidra: I was just leaving.
Jerry: Right, you were leaving.
Sidra: I can't believe you sent a woman into the sauna to do that.
Jerry: That was an accident!
Sidra: I think you're both mentally ill. (leaves, then opens the door again.) And by the way...they're real, and they're spectacular. (Sidra leaves.)
Betsy: Stop it, George! Get out! Get out! I never want to see you again!
Dr. Allenwood: Go back to New York! Get out!
Clerk 2: Alright sir, now all I need is a death certificate and you'll be on your way.
George: Well, you see, what happened was...the doctor - the very same doctor that was attending to my late aunt - suffered an untimely stroke, and lost the use of his right hand, so...obviously I was unable to get the death certificate. However, I do have this. (Reaches inside his coat and takes out a Polaroid photo.)
Clerk 2: What's this?
George: That's a picture of me next to the coffin.
Clerk 2: Nice try.
George: Not even close, huh?


Jerry: You can't just *have* an adultery- you *commit* adultery. And you can't even *commit* adultery unless you already *have* a commitment. So you have to make the commitment before you can even think about committing it. There's no commit without the commit. Then, once you commit, then you can commit the adultery. Then you can get caught, get divorced, lose your mind and they have you committed. But y'know some people actually *cheat* on the people that they're cheating with. Which is like, y'know, being in a hold up and then turning to the robber next to you and goin' Alright, gimme everything you have, too''.
George: You met her at the supermarket? How did you do that?
Jerry: (flips a roll of paper towels in the air) Produce section. *Very* provocative area. A lot of melons and shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling... It just happened.
George: (laughs-hu) So when're you gonna see her?
Jerry: Tonight.
George: What's her name?
Jerry: I... don't... know...
George: How could you not know her name?
Jerry: I was a little nervous, I got distracted. It has something to do with a car, or a fish...
Jerry: Look at that. Why do I get bananas? They're good for *one* day...
George: Oh my God, I forgot to tell you. I got a letter today from the State Controller's Office. Y'know when I was going to public school back in Brooklyn, every week I used to put fifty cents in the Lincoln Savings Bank.
Jerry: Yeah, I did that too.
George: Yeah, You remember the, the little eh, bank book, there?
Jerry: Sure.
George: Alright, so I haven't put anything in it since sixth grade, I completely forgot about it. The State Controller's Office tracks me down. The interest has accumulated to 1,900 dollars. 1,900 dollars! They're sending me a cheque!
Jerry: Wow!
George: Hu-Yeah, interest. It's an amazing thing. You make money without doing anything...
Jerry: Y'know I have some friends who try and base their whole life on that principle.
George: Really? Who?
Jerry: Nobody you know...
George: Maybe I'll go down to the track. Put it all on a horse...
Jerry: Why don't you put it in the *bank*?
George: The *bank*? This is *found* money. I want to *parlay* it. I wanna make a big score!
Jerry: *Oh*, you mean you wanna *lose* it...
Kramer: Yeah... All right...Ya got it, eh.
Jerry: Yes I did.
Kramer: Yes.
George: What's with the gloves?
Kramer: Well, I'm staining my floors, y'know, I don't want to get my hands dirty...
George: Huh. What, the whole apartment?
Kramer: The whole apartment. And I'm buying that fake wood wallpaper. I'm gonna surround myself in wood. It's gonna be like a log cabin. 'Cuz I *need* wood around me. Wood, Jerry [Snaps fingers]... Wood.
Jerry: Wood is good.
Kramer: Definitely.
Jerry: So we're still going to the health club to play racquetball right?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, whenever you're ready.
Jerry: O.K., soon as Elaine gets here.
Kramer: Yep.
Jerry: What, you rented "Home Alone"?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: I thought you saw that already...
George: No, I saw "Home Alone II".
Jerry: Oh, right... But you *hated* it!
George: Well I was lost, I never saw the first one. By the way, you mind if I watch it here?
Jerry: What for?
George: Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing something.
Jerry: All right.. Go ahead.
Jerry: Yeah?
Elaine: (on the intercom) It's me, are you ready to go?
Jerry: No. Come on up.
Kramer: I can't work with these!
Jerry: What's wrong?
Kramer: Well, you bought me dishwashing gloves. There's no *fine touch*...
Jerry: You said "gloves"...
Kramer: No, no, these are too thick. (removes the gloves/tosses them on the kitchen counter)
Kramer: Oooh, is that "Home Alone"?
George: Yeah. The *original*.
Elaine: Hey Boys-O!
Everyone: (in unison) Heyyyyyyyy.
Kramer: Hey, how's it goin'?
Elaine: Hello.
Jerry: (to Kramer) Hey (snaps fingers) get your stuff, let's get going.
Elaine: Well wait a minute, there's a slight change of plans.
Jerry: What?
Elaine: eh, Remember Roy, the artist?
Jerry: Oh, the "triangle" guy.
Elaine: Yeah, exactly, the "triangle" guy.
Jerry: Yeah, you liked him. What happened with him?
Elaine: Yeah I did. He was very talented. He was, ah just, I don't know a little too...
Jerry: Artsy?
Elaine: Fat.
Jerry: Oh. (unh - very quiet sigh)
Elaine: He was a fat, starving artist, y'know. That's very rare.
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: Anyway, he's in the hospital, he's having surgery and I feel like should go visit him.
Jerry: What's wrong with him?
Elaine: Unh, something with his spleen. Anyway it'll just take five minutes, O.K., and then, the hospital is right on the way.
Kramer: Yeah. (putting hand to his mouth, hatching a thought)
Jerry: All right we'll wait for you.
Kramer: Yeah, maybe I can get some rubber gloves there huh, yea.
Elaine: Listen, Jerry can you do me a favor? (clears throat) Could you, go into the room with me to visit him because ah, I don't want him to think that I'm, y'know... interested.
Jerry: Oh, you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend.
Elaine: Well...
Jerry: Well I think I can do that. I believe I've played that role before to some critical acclaim.
Elaine: Aha ha ha (laugh)
Kramer: All right, lets go.
Jerry: All right (picks up his sports bag)
Kramer: Yep yep yep.
Elaine: What's with him?
Jerry: Y'know a lot of people have asked that...
Elaine: Roy!
Roy: *Elaine*! What a *surprise*. (sitting up)
Elaine: (gasp) Oh, my *God*! I hardly recognize you! You look so...
Roy: Yeah, ya know, I've lost some weight...
Elaine: A *lot* of weight. (enthusiastically)
Roy: I know.
Elaine: Aha hu, You look *terrific*.
Roy: Thank you. So do you.
Elaine: Ah hahaha hhuu ha (flirty laughing)
Elaine: Ah, This is... uh... you *really* lost weight.
Roy: Thank you.
Jerry: Jerry, uh, I'm the boyfriend. (puts his arm around Elaine's shoulder, but she shrugs it off twice)
Hospital Voiceover: Doctor Wittenberg, Outside call. Doctor Wittenberg, Outside call.
Woman: AHAaaaaaaaaa! (scream)
Kramer: (a bit startled) Ahh.
Hospital Voiceover: Doctor Wittenberg, Outside call.
Kramer: Ah, the mother lode! (the door squeaks a bit as he pushes it open)
Elaine: I can't believe it! You were *huge*! Like blubber! I couldn't even get my arms around you...
Roy: Yesss, I remember.
Elaine: Ahahaha. Well that's the positive thing about getting sick, you get to lose weight.
Roy: Elaine, it wasn't the illness. It was you.
Elaine: Me?
Roy: (quietly- yeah) After you stopped seeing me, I was devastated. I couldn't eat for weeks.
Elaine: *Get* *out*!
Roy: Really, it's the truth.
Elaine: Jerry, did you hear this? He couldn't eat for weeks...
Jerry: That's terrible...
Elaine: I had no idea I had that kind of effect on you.
Roy: You did.
Jerry: You know I can't get this *damn thing* to sleep. (about the Yo-Yo)
Elaine: Now listen Roy, tell me something. When, are you gettin' out of here?
Roy: Next Thursday.
Elaine: Okay, I'll tell you what. How about on Friday I take you out for a *big* meal because *you* are getting *too* thin...
Jerry: Honey... Aren't we going to the Poconos next Friday?
Elaine: No that's the week after.
Jerry: No, I believe it's next week.
Elaine: You're wrong.
Jerry: No I'm not...
Elaine: Shut up...
Kramer: Pay dirt! (holding up the hand full of gloves. He looks behind himself as the door closes)
Elaine: Uh Roy, this is uh Kramer - he's one of our friends.
Roy: Oh, How do you do?
Kramer: Yeah... I do great, yeah.
Doctor: Hi Roy.
Roy: Oh, hey Dr. Siegel.
Jerry: Hey Doc, check this out. [does an around-the-world with the Yo-Yo]
Kramer: Heey.
Jerry: I *just* learned that. (proudly holding the Yo-Yo)
Doctor: A-hu. (The doctor is at a loss)
Doctor: I just wanted to stop by - see if you had any questions about tomorrow's operation.
Kramer: Ah, Yeah Yeah, I have a - I have a question, um - What do you know about inter-abdominal retractors?
Doctor: Are you asking because you saw "20/20" last night?
Kramer: I sure am.
Doctor: Well that report was about *one* very specific type of retractor and I can assure you we do not use that retractor in your friend's procedure.
Kramer: But you *will* use... a retractor.
Doctor: We have to...
Kramer: Mmm-hmm... (turns and walks away, makes a face, raises his eyebrows, nodding his head, then turns back to the group.)
Doctor: Tell you what. You're obviously concerned about your friend's welfare. A few of my students will be observing tomorrow's operation from the viewing gallery. How would you like to watch it with them?
Kramer: I'd love to watch the operation, yeah!
Jerry: I dunno...
Kramer: Oh, come on Jerry. You gotta see the operation. They're gonna cut him open - His guts'll be all over the place...
Jerry: Yeah, that's true...
Kramer: ...They'll saw through bone. Uuuuuuuing yutyutyutyutn naannnaaa [makes saw noises while gesturing over Roy's chest] You'll see what's *inside* bone...
George: Ttu (wipes nose and sniffs) Ttu.
Jerry: Hey.
George: Hi...
Jerry: What are doing, you crying??
George: No... (takes off his glasses and wipes his eyes with his sleeve)
Jerry: You crying from "Home Alone"??
George: The old man got to me.
Jerry: Alright, just get yourself together... I dunno if I can be friends with you anymore after this display.
George: Oh Shut up! What are you doing back so soon, anyway? (puts the tape back in it's case.)
Jerry: Oh, I never even got to the gym. Kramer got the gloves, wanted to come home and start working on his floor.
George: Oh. How's the guy?
Jerry: Oh, he's okay. In fact him and Elaine are getting ah, pretty chummy. Now Elaine wants me to buy some of his art. (opens the fridge and gets a bottle of water.)
George: Hnh. That's nerve...
Jerry: Yeah, so she and "Triangle Boy" can go out to fancy restaurants. (takes a sip of water)
George: Y'know what it is? It's "Clara Nightingale Syndrome." He falls ill; she falls in love.
Jerry: You mean Florence Nightingale. **
(** Footnote: see short bio at end of script **)
George: What'd I say? Clara?
Jerry: Yeah, you must have meant Clara Barton. **
(** Footnote: see short bio at end of script **)
George: Clara Barton? What did she do?
Jerry: I'm not sure, but I think she was nice. (takes a sip of water)
George: Susan B. Anthony** I think I'd have a problem with.
(** Footnote: see short bio at end of script **)
Jerry: Yeah, I think you would.
George: So, you gonna buy his art?
Jerry: No. Why don't you buy it? You got 1,900 dollars.
George: Yeah, that's what I want- triangles. Alright, I'm outta here. Have fun with what's-her-name.
Jerry: I will.
George: Y'know, now you gotta ask her her name. It's so embarrassing.
Jerry: No, it isn't. I can find out.
George: Yeah? How?
Jerry: There are ways.
Jerry: Y'know I remember when I was a kid growin up, kids would make fun of my name like you wouldn't believe- "Jerry Jerry Dingleberry", and-hu "Seinsmelled"...
Woman: "Seinsmelled"?
Jerry: Yeah. a-hu. What about you? Did people make fun of your name?
Woman: Are you kidding? They were merciless! What do you expect when your name rhymes with a part of the female anatomy?
Woman: (con't) Of course, not everybody can be as sweet as you are.
Woman: Oh, oh Jerry...
Jerry: Oh... *you*...
George: Now let's try "breast"... Celeste... Kest...
Jerry: No.
George: Rest... Sest... Hest...
Jerry: "Hest"? That's not a name.
George: What, you should've just asked her.
Jerry: I know, I should've asked her.
George: What're you gonna do now?
Jerry: I dunno. I can't ask her now; I've already made out with her. Once you make out with a woman, you can't ask her her name.
George: Aretha! (points finger at Jerry)
Jerry: No...
George: Bovary! (points finger again at Jerry)
Jerry: Alright, that's enough. (sips coffee)
George: Alright, well you know what'cha gotta do, you gotta go through her purse. Y'know, the-the credit cards, driver's license...
Jerry: How am I gonna do that?
George: When she goes to the bathroom.
Kramer: Ah, (smacks hands) there you are. My date stood me up. Listen, will you guys go to the operation with me?
Jerry: You asked a date to go to the operation?
Kramer: Yeah... So c'mon, (smacks hands and rubs them together) what d'you say?
George: What kind of operation is it?
Kramer: Spleenectomy.
George: Isn't that where they remove the-
Kramer: No No, Don't ruin it for me, I haven't seen it yet! Ah-C'mon, what d'you say?
George: Mulva! (again pointing finger at Jerry - Kramer watches the exchange back and forth)
Jerry: Mulva? (waves off George with his hand)
Kramer: C'mon, C'mon. You wanna go? (pats Jerry a couple times on the shoulder quietly) C'mon. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jerry: Alright, alright. Just let me finish my coffee... then we'll watch 'em go slice this fat bastard up. (sips coffee)
Doctor: Now we'll open the peritoneal cavity, exposing the body's internal organs. Nurse- retractor.
Jerry: What are you eating?
Kramer: Junior Mints. Do you want one?
Jerry: No...
Kramer: Now, I can't see... Psst... Psst...
Kramer: ... Cou, ye, ge...
Kramer: Y-ea (pours a few more Junior Mints into his hand and eats them)
Jerry: Where'd you get those?
Kramer: The machine. You want one?
Jerry: No.
Kramer: Here, take one.
Jerry: I don't want one.
Kramer: No, they're good! Take one..
Jerry: I don't want any!
Kramer: Just take one.
Jerry: No! Stop it! Kramer, stop it!
[As They Struggle To Force The Junior Mint On Each Other, Jerry Pushes Kramers' Hand Away And -- In Slow Motion With The Sound Of A Beating Heart To Emphasize The Event -- The Junior Mint Is Launched Into The Air Towards The Operating Table And, Well, In A Word: "Bingo" - with a small "splat" sound - falls into Roy, the patient. The surgical team looks around puzzled as to what just happened - but they continue on with the operation)
Jerry: (pointing at the operation he mouths the words) Did it go in?
Kramer: Ge-
Jerry: ...Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing *into* the patient!
George: What do you mean "into the patient"?
Jerry: Into the patient, *literally*!
George: Into the hole?
Jerry: Yes, the hole!
George: Didn't they notice it?
Jerry: No!
George: How could they not notice it?!?
Jerry: Because it's a little mint. It's a *Junior* Mint.
George: W-ca-What did they do?
Jerry: They sealed him up with the mint inside.
George: They *left* the Junior Mint *in* him?
Jerry: Yes!
George: I-I guess it can't hurt him... People eat *pounds* of those things.
Jerry: Yes they *eat* them. They don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity!
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: It's me.
Jerry: Come on up.
Kramer: Hey. This wallpaper is *very* good. My place looks like a ski lodge!
Jerry: Why did you force that mint on me? I told ya I didn't want the mint!
Kramer: Well, I didn't believe you.
Jerry: How could you not believe me?!?
Kramer: Well who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint- it's *delicious*!
Jerry: That's true.
Kramer: It's very refreshing!
Jerry: Well, just don't say anything about this to Elaine...
Elaine: Prognosis... negative.
Jerry: Prognosis *negative*!?
Elaine: He's not doing well, the doctors don't know what it is. They're baffled.
Jerry And Kramer: Oh, my God...
Elaine: Just my luck, y'know... just when he's getting thin and attractive. Y'know Jerry, you should buy some of his art. That would really lift his spirits.
George: It's that bleak? (pours a glass of milk)
Elaine: Mmm... (Elaine goes to the bathroom)
George: Y'know if the guy dies, the art could really be worth something...
Jerry: We gotta confess.
Kramer: Really?
Jerry: Yes!
Kramer: We could be tried for murder...
Jerry: I can't have this on my conscience. We're like Leopold and Loeb! **
(** Footnote: see short bio at end of script **)
Kramer: You're not gonna say anything, you got that?
Jerry: I'm telling and you can't stop me!
Kramer: You're *not*!!!
George: Hey Elaine? Put me down for some of that art. 1,900 dollars worth.
Jerry: Oh yeah, that's the spot...
Woman: What're you so tense about?
Jerry: Oh, nothing really, just a homicide. [She finds the right spot on his back] Oh that's terrific... Mulva.
Woman: What?
Jerry: Mulva?
Woman: Mulva?
Jerry: Oh my eh, my Aunt's name is Mulva. She's-she's a masseuse.
Woman: huh.
Jerry: Yeah.
Woman: Um, I'm going to the bathroom. I'll be right back.
Jerry: Oh, good idea...
Woman: What are you doing?
Jerry: Oh, I was just looking for er, some... gum or... mint.
Woman: Oh, I have Junior Mints.
Jerry: No! [throws her purse back at her] No, I mean, no thank you, nah...
Kramer: Any news?
Jerry: [whispering] No, no news. You better get out of here.
Kramer: Oh.
Jerry: Oh No, wait a second... Wait a second... I-I don't know the name of this woman in the bathroom, so when she comes out, you introduce yourself and then she'll be forced to say her name.
Kramer: 10-4.
Jerry: O.K. (closes the apartment door)
Woman: Oh, hello.
Kramer: Hello, I'm Kramer.
Woman: Nice to meet you.
Kramer: See you later. (He promptly turns and leaves)
Woman: Well, I better get going. I don't want to be late for the play. (Grabs her coat.)
Jerry: Oh, okay.
Woman: Y'know my cousin knows the producer. I may get to go backstage and meet Olympia Dukakis.
Jerry: Oh, Hey, there's a name you don't forget.
Woman: Mm. Bye Jerry.
Jerry: Bye.
Woman: Oh, hi.
George: Oh, Hi, I'm George. (they shake hands)
Woman: Oh, Nice to meet you, George.
George: Yeahaha, I gave it a shot (pats Jerry on the arm)... So, any word on the "artiste"? (puts a video in the VCR)
Jerry: No, I haven't heard anything.
George: Hehe. Well, I got my triangles. (sitting on the couch)
Jerry: Really...
George: Yup, y'know, they really spruce up the apartment.
Jerry: Yeah, I'm sure...
Jerry: Well, I-I gotta call the Hospital. I gotta tell 'em what happened.
George: No-no Jerry. I wouldn't do that.
Jerry: Why?
George: Ehh, You could get in trouble.
Jerry: Look, I gotta try and help the guy.
George: Who are you to play God!? Every man's time comes! If his number is up, who are you to interfere!?
Jerry: Yes I'd like to speak with Dr. Siegel... it's about Roy Kordic's condition...
George: W-What? What?
Jerry: Oh, that's *fantastic*!
George: He didn't get better, did he?
Jerry: Thank you very much. O.K. Bye-bye. He's gonna be okay!
George: Where's the luck? There's no luck. 1,900 dollars down the drain.
Roy: You saved my life, George. You buying my art is what inspired me to get better. I'll never forget what'cha did for me.
George: Oh, well th-that's great. It's really great. Hm hm mm.
Kramer: Y'know, art's a great investment.
Elaine: And they're gonna look great in your apartment, George.
George: Yes I look forward to many years of... looking at the triangles. Well, I'll ah, I'll wait for you outside.
Roy: Hey, George...
George: Yeah.
Kramer: Awe, alright
Jerry: That's nice.
George: Thanks Roy.
Roy: Heeyy - there's the guy who saved my life. (points at the doctor.)
Doctor: Y'know... I don't want to totally discount the emotional element in your recovery but, I think there were other factors at play here.
Jerry: What do you mean?
Doctor: I have no medical evidence to back me up but, something happened during the operation that staved off that infection. Something beyond science. Something perhaps, from above...
Kramer: Mint?
Doctor: Those can be very refreshing.
Roy: So Elaine... Where are we going for our big dinner on Friday? (takes a big mouthful of spaghetti)
Elaine: Uh-m, uh I'm so sorry Roy, but actually, we are going to the, Poconos on Friday, right honey? (pointing to Jerrythe boyfriend?)
Jerry: I don't think so...
Elaine: We are... that means that we ah, we are...
Jerry: I believe we're not...
Elaine: (Catching another glimpse of Roy eating) Hunh, Please can we go to the Poconos?
Jerry: Well, I'll think about it...
Woman: Great seats. You could see the actors spitting.
Jerry: Really...
Woman: Uh-huh. And afterwards we went backstage and Olympia Dukakis autographed my playbill.
Jerry: Oh, Wait a second, you got her autograph?
Woman: Yeah.
Jerry: Do you have it with you?
Woman: Yeah, it's in my purse.
Jerry: Ah, Le'me see. (hands Jerry the playbill)
Woman: Y'know I really think I'm falling for you, Jerry Seinfeld. (stands up, a quick kiss on the cheek and hugs him.)
Woman: Oh, well, I really think I'm falling for you... [opens the playbill and flips five pages till he finds and reads autograph] ...Joseph Puglia...
Woman: I had it autographed for my uncle.
Jerry: Yeah, I-I know...
Woman: (licks he lips) You don't know my name, do you?
Jerry: Yes I do.
Woman: What is it?
Jerry: It-it rhymes with a female body part.
Woman: What is it?
Jerry: Mulva...
Jerry: Aub, ah, Gipple?
Jerry: Loleola?
Jerry: Oh! Oh! *Delores*!
Jerry: Ages zero through ten, candy is your life. There's nothing else. Family, friends, school- they're only obstacles in the way of getting more candy. And you have your favorite candies that you love. You know the ones I love those... I hate those...''. ``I hate those... I love those...''. And only a seven year old kid could actually taste the difference between like a red M&M and a light brown, M&M. That's two totally different things when you're seven years old. "Well, your red is more of a main course M&M, but the brown it's more of a mellower flavor; it's an after dinner M&M, really''.