George: He's on the lamb(?), he's on the loose!
Jerry: Would you let go of my arm?! I'm trying to drive, you're getting us both killed!
George: What are we supposed to do? What do you do on a situation like this? Should we call a lawyer, should we call the police?
Jerry: Obviously we're gonna call the police and tell that he's not the guy.
George: Hope he's not the guy.
Jerry: Couldn't be the guy...nah.
George: God, I'm starved, I'm weak from hunger.
Jerry: How can you think of food at the time like this?
George: Time like what? I'm hungry. My stomach doesn't know that Kramer's wanted.
Jerry: I told you to have breakfast, you should've had breakfast!
George: I couldn't have breakfast, it was lunchtime! The three hour time difference threw me. I wanted a tuna fish sandwich, they wouldn't serve me tuna fish sandwich, because they were only serving breakfast.
Jerry: You should've had some eggs.
George: For lunch? Who eats eggs for lunch?
Jerry: Have you ever heard of egg salad?
George: Why didn't you say something then?
Jerry: I've gotta to tell you about existence of egg salad?
George: I need food, Jerry. I feel faint, I'm getting light headed.
Jerry: I've gotta call the police, there's a pay phone over there.
George: Pay phone in L.A., look it's a miracle.
Jerry: I don't have any change. You've got any change?
George: No, I don't have any change. I never carry change.
Jerry: Well, we need change and all I have is twenties.
George: I have a ten.
Jerry: So, break it.
George: I hate asking for change. They always make a face. Like I'm asking them to donate a kidney.
Jerry: So, buy something.
George: What?
Jerry: I don't know, some mints or TicTacs.
George: Breath problem?
Jerry: No, I just want some change.
George: Tell me.
Jerry: Your breath is fine. It's delightful, it's delicious.
George: You know, I haven't eaten anything.
Jerry: I just wanna call the police!
George: Why don't you just call 911?
Jerry: But is this an emergency?
George: Of course it is.
Jerry: How is this an emergency?
George: Your friend is been accused of being a serial killer. I think that qualifies.
Jerry: All right, I'll call 911. Think he did it? Could've he done it? Couldn't done it? How could've he done it? Couldn't be? Could it? Hello 911? How are you? I'm sorry it was just a reflex...I know it's an emergency number...it is an emergency...my friend is being accused of being a smog strangler and I know he didn't do it...they're putting me trough to the detective in charge of the investigation...what is my name? Who am I? I'm eh...George Costanza...
George: What's the matter with you? Are you crazy? Why are you using my name?!
Jerry: Oh, don't be a baby! What are you scared of?
George: What am I scared of? I'm scared of the same thing that you are, everything! Why don't you just use your own name?
Jerry: Your name is a good name, Costanza. Sounds like it's stands for something, they'll believe us.
George: Really?
Jerry: Sure.
George: You think so?
Jerry: Oh yeah. Yes I have some very important information regarding the smog strangler. (George leans close) would you suck a mint or something. Can I come right now? I suppose, where are you located? Where is that? I don't know where we are. Where are we?
George: I don't know.
Jerry: We don't know. He says ask somebody, ask that guy.
George: Excuse me, where are we?
Man: Earth.
Jerry: Hey, you know I'm on the phone with the police! Some guy just gave me a wise answer. Ask that woman.
George: Excuse me Ms. which street are we on?
Woman: I don't know.
George: You don't know?
Woman: I don't know.
George: How come you don't know what street are you on?
Woman: You don't know.
Jerry: George, it says it here on the phone. It's 12145 Ventura Boulevard. Aha, ok...do we know where the 101 is? (George shakes his head) No...do we know where 170 is? (George shakes his head) No...do we know where 134 is? (George just looks at Jerry) No. Aha, ok. (Jerry hangs up) He's gonna send a black and white to pick us up.
George: Black and white?
Jerry: A cop car.
George: Why didn't you just say that?
Jerry: I thought it sounded kind of cool.
George: Oh yeah, real cool. You're a cool guy.
Jerry: Oh, you are? I guaranty you, Lupe is going to tuck your covers in.
George: I'll bet you, how much?
Jerry: Her tip.
George: You've got a bet.
Jerry: Ok.
George: How much do you tip a chamber maid?
Police: Which one of you is Costanza?
Police: Get in.
George: Hi, how are you guys? Listen, does either one of you have like a mint or piece of gum or...
George: Jerry, would you do me a favor, close the window.
Jerry: Hey, get out of here...hey officer, he's fooling around back here.
Cop: Cut it up back there.
George: He started it.
Jerry: I did not. You guys gonna go through some red lights?
Cop: I don't think so.
Jerry: But you could?
Cop: Oh yeah, of course we could. We can do anything we want.
Cop 2: We could drive on the wrong side of the road.
Cop: Yeah, we do that all the time. You should see the looks on people's faces.
Cop 2: Shoot people...
George: You guys ever shot anybody?
Cops: No...
George: Hey, can I flip on the siren?
Jerry: Why are you bothering them for?
George: I'm just asking, all they have to do is say no.
Cop: Yeah, go ahead.
George: Wohoo, check it out.
Jerry: Can I try it?
Cop: Yeah, go ahead, hurry up.
Jerry: Scared the hell out of that guy.
George: You know what I never understood? Why did they change the siren noise? When I was a kid it was always "waaaa, waaaa", you know now it "woo-woo-woo-woo-woo". Why did they do that, did they do some research? Did they find that woo-woo was more effective than waa?
Jerry: Yeah, what about those English sirens, you know...eee-aaa-eee-aaa-eee-aaa...
Jerry And George: Eee-aaa-eee-aaa-eee-aaa...
Cop: Hey!
Kramer: I'm dizzy.
Jerry: Nice shotgun.
Cop: Thanks.
Jerry: Clean as a whistle.
George: You could eat of that shotgun.
Jerry: What is that, a 12 gauge?
Cop: Yeah.
Jerry: 12 gauge. Seems to be the most popular gauge.
George: My favorite.
Jerry: Mine too, love the 12 gauge.
George: Makes the 11 gauge look like a cap pistol.
Cop: What do got over there?
Cop 2: I don't know.
Cop: Looks like a possible 5-19.
Jerry: 5-19? What's a 5-19?
George: Where?
Cop 2: Think so?
Cop: Looks like it.
Jerry: I can't believe this. A 5-19?
George: Where, where? I can't see.
Cop: This is car 23, we have a possible 5-19 in progress, over.
Cop 2: All right, let's pull over and check it out.
Jerry: Pull over? You can't pull over.
George: What are you doing? Where do you think you're going?
Jerry: Pull over? The lieutenant is waiting to see us.
George: Hey hey hey, we're in a rush here.
Jerry: We have an appointment!
George: What are you doing?!
Jerry: Great.
George: There's a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies up there.
Jerry: Which flavor?
George: Milano.
Jerry: Cops eating Milanos. What crazy town is this?
George: Should I take some?
Jerry: I think that's a 5-19.
George: I'm starving...
Jerry: They're busting this guy.
George: They're cuffing him.
Jerry: I can't believe this.
George: Hi.
Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry.
George: George, how you doing?
Guy: What did you do?
George: Nothing.
Jerry: Nothing.
Guy: Oh yeah right, me neither. Hey I didn't do nothing!
Cop: Shut up.
Jerry: Hot out.
Guy: Brutal.
George: What do you tip a chamber maid.
Guy: I don't know, five bucks a night.
Jerry: No, a dollar, two tops.
Guy: Hey, you guys aren't cuffed. What are you, narks?
George: Narks?
Jerry: Imagine, us narks?
George: No no no, you know actually we are friends of a serial killer.
Guy: Really? Well, that's very nice.
George: Oh, thank you.
Jerry: Suspected serial killer, he didn't actually do it.
George: Yeah well, we don't think.
Jerry: We're pretty sure.
Guy: A dollar a night?
Jerry: Yeah, that's a good tip!
Guy: That stinks!
Jerry: I read it in Ann Landers.
Guy: Oh, Ann Landers sucks!
Cop 2: Hey, shut it up back there.
Police Radio: Attention all units, attention all units, all units code 3. All units in the area, code 3 in progress, 1648 North Bartholis, units required for assistance in apprehension of 702.
Cop: That's smog strangler.
Jerry: Kramer.
Cop 2: Got him. Let's go.
Jerry: I wanna see what's happening.
George: I don't know why I'm doing this.
Kramer: Jerry, George!
Lt. Martel: You are under arrest in first degree murder and death of Ms Chelsea Lang.
Reporters: Why did you do it? What possessed you?
Kramer: I don't know...
Kramer: Hey, how are you doing? Jerry! George!
Jerry: We're doing fine. How are you?
Kramer: What me? Fabulous, just fabulous. I've got a lot of auditions, a lot of call backs and I've got a lot of interest for my movie treatment. I'm in development, I'm in developed vehicles. And there's a lot of energy here, man. You know, the vibe, it's powerful. I'm just swept up at it. Yeah, I'm a player.
George: A player?
Kramer: Yeah, a player...
Jerry: Kramer, do you realize what's going on here? Do you know why you're here?
Kramer: What? What this? I'll be out of here in couple of hours. Hey, guess who I met today? Rick Savage, oh nice kid, really good kid. You know, we're talking about doing a project together.
Jerry: Kramer, you've been arrested as a serial killer!
Kramer: So? I'm innocent! I mean you guys believe that I'm innocent, don't you? Jerry? George?
Jerry: Well, yeah...sure.
Police: Kramer, let's go. The Lieutenant wants to see you.
Kramer: Ok, yeah. All right look, I'll be out of here by noon. Maybe we'll have lunch together, huh?
Kramer: Help me!! Help me!
Kramer: I didn't kill anyone, I swear! I swear to God!
Lt. Martel: Don't you ever swear to my God, Kramer. My God is the god who protects the innocent and punishes the evil scum like you, have you got that?
Kramer: You're making a big mistake.
Lt. Martel: No! You have made the mistake, Kramer. Sickies like you always do. The only difference is that this time you're gonna pay.
Kramer: What?
Lt. Martel: Now you might beat the gas chamber Kramer, but as long as I have got a breath in my body you will never ever see the light of day again.
Kramer: Wow wow wow wow, you've got the wrong man!! It wasn't me!
Lt. Martel: Oh yeah, right. Maybe it was one of your other personalities huh, the wise guy, the little kid, the bellhop, the ball player, maybe the door to door vacuum cleaner salesman, but not you right? No, you wouldn't hurt a fly. You just couldn't help yourself, could you Kramer? You saw life brimming brightly with optimism and verve and you just had to snuff it out.
Kramer: Ok, can I just talk to somebody? Can I just explain...
Lt. Martel: I'm not interested in your explanations, Kramer! Sure, I bet you've got a million of 'em. Maybe your mother didn't love you enough, maybe the teacher didn't call on you in school when you had your little hand raised, maybe the pervert in the park had a present in his pants, huh? Well, I've got another theory you're a weed.
Kramer: No...
Lt. Martel: Society is filled with them. They're choking the life out of the all pretty flowers.
Lt. Martel: You see something even remotely pretty and you have to choke the life out if it, don't you Kramer?
Lt. Martel: You killed all the pretty flowers, didn't you Kramer? You killed the pretty little flowers, didn't you? You dirty, filthy, stinky weed! Didn't you?
Officer: Lieutenant, it's for you.
Lt. Martel: Martel...yeah...yeah...yeah...yeah.
Officer: What it is, Lieutenant?
Lt. Martel: Let him go.
Officer: What, but Lieutenant?
Lt. Martel: You heard me, let him go. They just found another body at the Laurel Canyon. Go on Kramer, get out of my sight.
Kramer: Hey, how did you know about the guy in the park?
Lt. Martel: I said beat it!
Kramer: Hahaa!
George: What?
Jerry: What happened?
Kramer: Somebody got killed while they had me in custody.
Jerry: Really? Did you hear that? Somebody else was killed!
George: You're kidding? Somebody else got killed?
Jerry: While you were in jail. So you're free.
Kramer: Yes, I'm free. (singing) 'cause the murderer struck again!
Jerry: So Kramer, what are you going to do?
Kramer: Do? Do? Hey, I'm doing what I do. You know, I've always done what I do. I'm doing what I do, way I've always done and the way I'll always do it.
George: Kramer, what the hell are you talking about?
Kramer: What do you want me to say? That the things haven't worked out the way that I planned? That I'm struggling, barely able to keep my head above water? That L.A. is a cold place even in the middle of the summer? That it's a lonely place even when your stuck in traffic at the Hollywood Freeway? That I'm no better than a screenwriter driving a cab, a starlet turning tricks, a producer in a house he can't afford? Is that what you want me to say?
George: I'd like to hear that.
Jerry: Yeah...
Kramer: Well, I'm not saying that! You know, things are going pretty well for me here. I met a girl...
Jerry: Kramer, she was murdered!
Kramer: Yeah, well I wasn't looking for a long term relationship. I was on TV.
George: As a suspect in a serial killing.
Kramer: Ok, yeah, you guys got to put a negative spin on everything.
George: What did they put on this tuna? Tastes like a dill, I think it's a dill.
Jerry: So you're not gonna come back to New York with us?
Kramer: No no I'm not ready, things are starting to happen.
George: Taste this, is this a dill?
Jerry: No, it's tarragon. Hey Kramer, I'm sorry about that whole fight we had about you having my apartment keys and everything.
Kramer: Ok, it's forgotten.
George: Tarragon? Oh, you're crazy.
Jerry: Well, take it easy.
Kramer: Yeah, ok.
George: Yeah, take care. Stay in touch.
Kramer: Hey hey, whoa come on give me a hug...
Jerry: Oh, no...
George: No, you're crushing my sandwich.
Jerry: Yeah, it's so nice when it happens to you.
George: Mint?
Jerry: No thanks.
George: I've got to tell you, I'm really disappointed in Lupe.
Jerry: It's been three days already, forget about Lupe.
George: Do you think she gets to take any of those little bars of soap home?
Jerry: No, I don't.
George: You would think that at the end of the week when they hand out the checks, throw in a few soaps.
Jerry: Yeah, maybe they should throw in a couple of lamps too.
George: I'll tell you something, if I'd own a company, my employees would love me. They'd have huge pictures of me up on the walls and in their home, like Lenin.
Jerry: How much did you wound up tipping her?
George: Oh my God, I forgot!
Jerry: Well, communism didn't work.
Kramer: Hey!
Kramer: Any mustard? This is empty.
Jerry: Yeah, there's a new one in there.
Kramer: No no, I don't like this one. It's too yellow. Any pickles?
Jerry: Help yourself.
Kramer: Yeah, all right.
George: Kramer, what are you doing here?
Kramer: Getting something to eat.
Jerry: Kramer, here!
Newscaster: Authorities exposed today, that the latest suspect in the smog strangling was apprehended this week on an unrelated charge, but somehow managed to escape from the police car, in which he was being held. Tobias Lehigh Nagy, who is also wanted in connection with a series of unrelated slains in the North West is still at large, his whereabouts unknown. He's described as 5'5" bald and reputedly a very generous tipper.


George: What did they do for toilet paper in the civil war?
Jerry: What?
George: I wonder what toilet paper was loike in the 1860's. Did they carry it in rolls in their duffle bags?
Jerry: Everything with you comes down to toilet paper.
George: What?
Jerry: That's always the first question with you. Why is that always your focus?
George: All right, so what did they do?
Jerry: I don't know. Maybe they gave out fig leaf clumps to all the soldiers.
George: Well I think it would be nice if there was some kind of historical record of it.
Jerry: Maybe they should have a toilet paper museum. Would you like that? So we could see all the toilet paper advancements down through the ages. Toilet paper of the Crusades, the development of the perforation, the first six-pack . . .
Stu: Excuse me, Jerry? I'm Stu Chermak. I'm with NBC.
Jerry: Hi.
Stu: Could we speak for a few moments?
Jerry: Sure.
Jay: Hi, Jay Crespi.
Jerry: Hello.
George: Uh, C-R-E-S-P-I?
Jay: That's right.
George: I'm unbelievable at spelling last names. Give me a last name.
Jay: Mm, I'm not-
Jerry: George-
George: (backing off) Huh? All right, fine.
Stu: First of all, that was a terrific show.
Jerry: Oh thank you very much.
Stu: And basically, I just wanted to let you know that we've been discussing you at some of our meetings and we'd be very interested in doing something.
Jerry: Really? Wow.
Stu: So, if you have any idea for like a TV show for yourself, well, we'd just love to talk about it.
Jerry: I'd be very interested in something like that.
Stu: Well, here, uh, why don't you give us a call and maybe we can develop a series.
Jerry: Okay. Great. Thanks.
Stu: It was very nice meeting you.
Jerry: Thank you.
Jay: Nice meeting you.
Jerry: Nice meeting you.
George: What was that all about?
Jerry: They said they were interested in me.
George: For what?
Jerry: You know, a TV show.
George: Your own show?
Jerry: Yeah, I guess so.
George: They want you to do a TV show?
Jerry: Well, they want me to come up with an idea. I mean, I don't have any ideas.
George: Come on, how hard is that? Look at all the junk that's on TV. You want an idea? Here's an idea. You coach gymnastics team in high school. And you're married. And your son's not interested in gymnastics and you're pushing him into gymnastics.
Jerry: Why should I care if my son's into gymnastics?
George: Because you're a gymnastics teacher. It's only natural.
Jerry: But gymnastics is not for everybody.
George: I know, but he's your son.
Jerry: So what?
George: All right, forget that idea, it's not for you...Okay, okay, I got it. You run an antique store.
Jerry: Yeah and...?
George: And people come in the store and you get involved in their lives.
Jerry: What person who runs an antique store gets involved in people's lives?
George: Why not?
Jerry: So someone comes in to buy an old lamp and all of a sudden I'm getting them out of a jam? I could see if I was a pharmacist because a pharmacist knows what's wrong with everybody that comes in.
George: I know, but antiques are very popular right now.
Jerry: No they're not, they used to be.
George: Oh yeah, like you know.
Jerry: Oh like you do.
Kramer: ...And you're the manager of the circus.
Jerry: A circus?
Kramer: Come on, this is a great idea. Look at the characters. You've got all these freaks on the show. A woman with a moustache? I mean, who wouldn't tune in to see a women with a moustache? You've for the tallest man in the world; a guy who's just a head.
Jerry: I don't think so.
Kramer: Look Jerry, the show isn't about the circus, it's about watching freaks.
Jerry: I don't think the network will go for it.
Kramer: Why not?
Jerry: Look, I'm not pitching a show about freaks.
Kramer: Oh come on Jerry, you're wrong. People they want to watch freaks. This is a "can't miss."
Newman: Kramer.
Jerry: Hello Newman.
Newman: Come on lets go. I got the helmet. Lets get the radar detector.
Kramer: All right I'll be back in a second. You guys coming to my party? (exits)
Jerry And Newman: Yeah, sure.
Jerry: What's this all about?
Newman: We're making a trade. I'm giving him my motorcycle helmet - he's giving me his radar detector.
Jerry: I didn't know you had a motorctcle.
Newman: Well my girlfriend had one.
Jerry: You have a girlfriend?
Newman: I HAD a girlfriend and she was pretty wild.
Jerry: I never remember you with a girl.
Newman: Nevertheless, ...
Jerry: This is a pretty bad deal for Kramer. You know a radar detector is worth much more than that helmet. I think you're cheating him.
Newman: Don't say anything.
Jerry: All right.
Jerry: You know you're getting gypped over here.
Kramer: Really, Ah,
Newman: We had a deal. Are you reneging out of the deal? Are you reneging? That's a renege.
Kramer: Oh, stop saying 'reneging".
Newman: Well you're reneging.
Kramer: I, Okay, okay. I'm not reneging.
Newman: All right give it to me. let go ...
Kramer: You let go - come on ...(they fight over the items)
Jerry: Gimme that - just gimme that. Here. Idiots!
Newman: Thanks buddy. So long he he ...(exits)
Jerry: Does that thing work?
Kramer: Nah.
Jerry: ... I just got a postcard from Elaine?
George: Really?
Jerry: Yeah, they're in London now. They'll be back in a few weeks.
George: I can't believe she got involved with a shrink.
George: So, what's happening with the TV show? You come up with anything?
Jerry: No, nothing.
George: Why don't they have salsa on the table?
Jerry: What do you need salsa for?
George: Salsa is now the number one condiment in America.
Jerry: You know why? Because people like to say "salsa." "Excuse me, do you have salsa?" "We need more salsa." "Where is the salsa? No salsa?"
George: You know it must be impossible for a Spanish person to order seltzer and not get salsa. (Angry) "I wanted seltzer, not salsa."
Jerry: "Don't you know the difference between seltzer and salsa?? You have the seltezer after the salsa!"
George: See, this should be a show. This is the show.
Jerry: What?
George: This. Just talking.
Jerry: (dismissing) Yeah, right.
George: I'm really serious. I think that's a good idea.
Jerry: Just talking? Well what's the show about?
George: It's about nothing.
Jerry: No story?
George: No forget the story.
Jerry: You've got to have a story.
George: Who says you gotta have a story? Remember when we were waiting for, for that table in that Chinese restaurant that time? That could be a TV show.
Jerry: And who is on the show? Who are the characters?
George: I could be a character.
Jerry: You?
George: Yeah. You could base a character on me.
Jerry: So, on the show, there's a character named George Costanza?
George: Yeah. There's something wrong with that? I'm a character. People are always saying to me, "You know you're a quite a character."
Jerry: And who else is on the show?
George: Elaine could be a character. Kramer..
Jerry: Now he's a character. (Pause) So everybody I know is a character on the show.
George: Right.
Jerry: And it's about nothing?
George: Absolutely nothing.
Jerry: So you're saying, I go in to NBC, and tell them I got this idea for a show about nothing.
George: We go into NBC.
Jerry: "We"? Since when are you a writer?
George: (Scoffs) Writer. We're talking about a sit-com.
Jerry: You want to go with me to NBC?
George: Yeah. I think we really go something here.
Jerry: What do we got?
George: An idea.
Jerry: What idea?
George: An idea for the show.
Jerry: I still don't know what the idea is.
George: It's about nothing.
Jerry: Right.
George: Everybody's doing something, we'll do nothing.
Jerry: So, we go into NBC, we tell them we've got an idea for a show about nothing.
George: Exactly.
Jerry: They say, "What's your show about?" I say, "Nothing."
George: There you go.
Jerry: (Nodding) I think you may have something there.
Jerry: So, the show would be about my real life. And one of the characters would be based on you.
Kramer: (Thinks) No, I don't think so.
Jerry: What do you mean you don't think so?
Kramer: I don't like it.
Jerry: I don't understand. What don't you like about it?
Kramer: I don't like the idea of a character based on me.
Jerry: Why not?
Kramer: well it just doesn't sit well.
Jerry: You're my neighbor. There's got to be a character based on you.
Kramer: That's your problem, buddy.
Jerry: I don't understand what the big deal is.
Kramer: Hey, I'll tell you what - you can do it on one condition.
Jerry: Whatever you want.
Kramer: I get to play Kramer.
Jerry: You can't play Kramer.
Kramer: I am Kramer.
Jerry: But you can't act.
Kramer: Phew!
Jerry: Okay, fine. We'll use Newman.
Kramer: Newman?
Newman: Use me for what?
Jerry: Nothin' What do you want?
Newman: Well, you'll never guess what happened to me today. I was uh, driving ( Jerry and Kramer turn away) home on the palisades parkway when I looked in the rear view mirror and what did I see? The fuzz. And it's funny because my new radar detector was on. I didn't hear a thing. Isn't that strange?
Kramer: Yeah. That's strange.
Newman: A radar detector, as I understand it, DETECTS RADAR! WITH A SERIES OF BEEPS AND FLASHING LIGHTS. But oddly, for some reason I didn't hear a thing except for the sound of a police siren.
Kramer: That's queer uh?
Newman: I WANT MY HELMET BACK! GIVE ME BACK MY HELMET AND YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THAT TICKET.
Kramer: Yeah, you better think again Mojumbo.
Newman: You gave me a defective detector. ... Jerry?
Jerry: Buyer beware.
Newman: Are you going to give me back that helmet or not?
Kramer: No. We had a deal. There are no guarantees in life.
Newman: No, but there's karma, Kramer.
Jerry: Karma Kramer?
Newman: And one more thing. I'm not coming to your party. (exits)
Jerry: (To himself) Salsa, seltzer. Hey, excuse me, you got any salsa? No, not selzer, salsa. (George doesn't react) What's the matter?
George: (Nervous) Nothing.
Jerry: You sure? You look a little pale.
George: No, I'm fine. I'm good. I'm very good.
Jerry: What, are you nervous?
George: No, not nervous. I'm good, very good. (A beat, then he snaps) I can't do this! Can't do this!
Jerry: What?
George: I can't do this! I can't do it. I have tried. I'm here. It's impossible.
Jerry: This was your idea!
George: What idea? I just said something. I didn't know you were going to listen to me.
Jerry: Dont' worry about it. They're just TV executives.
George: They're men with jobs, Jerry! They wear suits and ties. They're married, they have secretaries.
Jerry: I told you not to come.
George: I need some water. I gotta get some water.
Jerry: They'll give us water in there.
George: Really? That's pretty good.
Jerry: Oh God, it's Joe Devola.
George: Who?
Jerry: This guy's a writer, he's a total nut. I think he goes to the same shrink as Elaine.
Jerry: Oh God he saw me.
Devola: Hello Jerry.
Jerry: Hey Joe! HOW YOU DOING?
Devola: You're under no obligation to shake my hand.
Jerry: Oh, no, Just a custom. Uh, THAT'S MY FRIEND GEORGE. YOU LOOK GOOD.
Devola: Why shouldn't I look good?
Jerry: Oh, no reason. You're into karate right?
Devola: You want to hit me?
Jerry: What are you doing here?
Devola: I dreopped a script off.
Jerry: AH, GOOD FOR YOU.
Jerry: Well, ...
Devola: You don't have to say anything.
Jerry: No, Uh, hey I guess I'll see you Sunday night.
Devola: Why?
Jerry: Kramer's party.
Devola: Kramer's ... having ... a ... party?
Jerry: No, no, he's not having a party. He's doing something. I don't know what it is. It's nothing. He's not doing anything.
Devola: Gee, I thought Kramer and I were very close friends.
Jerry: No, I'm sure you are. I'm sure you are very close friends. Very close.
Jerry: Give my best to Hinckley.
George: What was that?
Jerry: I can't believe what I just did. I didn't know kramer didn't invite him. I better call Kramer, ...
Receptionist: They're ready for you.
George: Okay, okay. Look, you do all the talking, okay?
Jerry: Relax. Who are they?
George: Yeah, they're not better than me.
Jerry: Course not.
George: Who are they?
Jerry: They're nobody.
George: What about me?
Jerry: What about you?
George: Why them? Why not me?
Jerry: Why not you?
George: I'm as good as them.
Jerry: Better.
George: You really think so?
Jerry: No.
Stu: (To Jerry, laughing about one of his bits) The bit, the bit I really liked what were the parakeet flew into the mirror. Now that's funny.
George: The parakeet in the mirror. That's a good one, Stu.
Jerry: Yeah, it's one of my favorites.
Russell: What about you, George? Have you written anything we might know?
George: (Quickly making it up) Well, possibly. I wrote an off-Broadway show, "La Cocina." ..Actually, it was off-off-Broadway. It was a comedy about a Mexican chef.
Jerry: Oh, it was very funny. There was one great scene with the chef - what was his name?
George: Pepe.
Jerry: Oh, Pepe. Yeah, Pepe. And, uh, he was making tamales.
Susan: Oh, he actually cooked on the stage?
George: No, no, he mimed it. That's what was so funny about it.
Russell: So, what have you two come up with?
Jerry: Well, we've thought about this in a variety of ways. But the basic idea is I will play myself-
George: (Interrupting) May I?
Jerry: Go ahead.
George: I think I can sum up the show for you with one word NOTHING.
Russell: Nothing?
George: (Smiling) Nothing.
Russell: (Unimpressed) What does that mean?
George: The show is about nothing.
Jerry: (To George) Well, it's not about nothing.
George: (To Jerry) No, it's about nothing.
Jerry: Well, maybe in philosophy. But, even nothing is something.
Receptionist: Mr. Dalrymple, your niece is on the phone.
Russell: I'll call back.
George: (Attempting to spell his last name) D-A-L-R-I-M-P-E-L?
Russell: (Obviously dislikes George) Not even close.
George: Is it with a "y"?
Russell: No.
Susan: What's the premise?
Jerry: ..Well, as I was saying, I would play myself, and, as a comedian, living in New York, I have a friend, a neighbor, and an ex-girlfriend, which is all true.
George: Yeah, but nothing happens on the show. You see, it's just like life. You know, you eat, you go shopping, you read.. You eat, you read, You go shopping.
Russell: You read? You read on the show?
Jerry: Well, I don't know about the reading.. We didn't discuss the reading.
Russell: All right, tell me, tell me about the stories. What kind of stories?
George: Oh, no. No stories.
Russell: No stories? So, what is it?
George: (Showing an example) What'd you do today?
Russell: I got up and came to work.
George: There's a show. That's a show.
Russell: (Confused) How is that a show?
Jerry: Well, uh, maybe something happens on the way to work.
George: No, no, no. Nothing happens.
Jerry: Well, something happens.
Russell: Well, why am I watching it?
George: Because it's on TV.
Russell: (Threatening) Not yet.
George: Okay, uh, look, if you want to just keep on doing the same old thing, then maybe this idea is not for you. I, for one, am not going to compromise my artistic integrity. And I'll tell you something else, this is the show and we're not going to change it. (To Jerry) Right?
Jerry: (To Russell) How about this I manage a circus..
Jerry: I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.
George: . . . I thought the woman was kind of cute.
Jerry: Hold it. I really want to be clear about this. Are you talking about the woman in the meeting? Is that the woman you're talking about?
George: Yeah, I thought I might give her a call. I, I don't meet that many women. I meet like three women a year. I mean, we've been introduced. She knows my name.
Jerry: IT'S COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE!
George: Why? Maybe she liked me. I, I mean she was looking right at me. You know, I think she was impressed. You know, we had good eye contact the whole meeting.
Jerry: Oh, I forgot to call Kramer.
George: Wait a minute let me call Susan.
Jerry: No, no this is more important.
George: She might be leaving to work any minute.
Jerry: No, I got to warn him that I told Joe Devola about his party.
George: No.
Elaine: What is it?
Dr. Reston: I was just thinking about this patient of mine.
Elaine: What?
Dr. Reston: Just wondering if he's taking his medication.
Elaine: Well, come on we're on vacation.
Jerry: Well we were standing uh, inn the waiting area there, and you know how Devola is. He's all, ... (buzzer)
Kramer: Yeah (to buzzer)
George: (OC) It's George.
Jerry: And so, uh I felt very uncomfortable with him and you know I just blurted out something about your party.
Kramer: Whoa, back up a second.
Jerry: Well, I didn't know that you didn't invite him.
Kramer: Why would you think I would invite him?
Jerry: I just a ssumed, ...
Kramer: Assumed? Never assume anything. I don't want that nut in my house. You know he's on medication.
George: Hello, oh, hello. You remember, ... Susan, from N B C.
Jerry: Of course. How are you?
Susan: Fine, it's good to see you.
George: And this is Kramer.
Susan: Hello.
George: All right go ahead Susan, tell him.
Jerry: Tell me what?
Susan: Well, I, (phone rings)
Jerry: Uh, sorry, Excuse me one second. Hello.
Tel: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service.
Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.
Tel: Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
Tel: No.
Jerry: Well now you know how I feel. (Hangs up)
George: Well, go ahead, tell him.
Jerry: Kramer, are you drinking that milk?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: What's the expiration date on that?
Kramer: September third.
Jerry: The third?
George: and SUSAN The third?
Kramer: Um, Uh, ugh, ...
Susan: Noooo... (Kramer throws up on Susan)
George: I never should have brought her up there. Should have known better. Should have seen it coming. I didn't see it coming.
Jerry: I think SHE saw it coming.
George: You know she was behind the idea. She was going to champion the show. That's what I was bring her up there to tell you. And she liked me.
Jerry: Look just because Kramer vomited on her doesn't mean the deal is dead.
George: What, are you crazy? It's a traumatic thing to be thrown up on.
Jerry: Vommiting is not a deal breaker. If Hitler had vommited on Chamberlin, Chamberlind still would have given him Chekoslovakia.
George: Chamberlind, you could hold his head in nthe toilet, he'd still give you half of Europe.
Jerry: What happened to you?
Kramer: Devola came after me.
Jerry: What? Devola? See I told you this guy is crazy. I can't believe this. What happened?
Kramer: Can I have a coffee. ... What, you know I was walking home and I had to pick up my helmet from the shop, you know. I gota new strap. And I had it on you know, and I was checking the strap out to make sure it fit. Then suddenly I feel this kick hit me on the side of the head. It knocks me down, I look up and it's Crazy Joe Devola. And he say's, "That's what I thin k of your party."
Jerry: Boy, that is some kick.
Kramer: Well, yeah, Newman's helmet, it saved my life. Look at that.
Jerry: Wow, Newman's helmet.
George: Holly.
Kramer: I got bad news for you buddy. Devola says you're next.
Jerry: Me, why?
Kramer: He doesn't like you.
Jerry: What does he want from me? I didn't do anything. See this is all Elaine's fault. She took off to Europe with his psychiatrist. He probably can't get his medication. Now I got some nut after me.
Kramer: Pass the cream.
George: Wait a second. (smells it). all right.


Jerry: (going through couch cushions) Where the hell did I put this?
Kramer: What are you looking for?
Jerry: The remote, the remote, I can't find the remote. Did I lost, I lost it. Did you take it? Did you put it some place?
Kramer: No, no, no.
Jerry: All right, what is this?
Kramer: (clueless) what is what?
Jerry: All right, very funny. I get it.
Kramer: You're in a weird mood.
Jerry: Come on. Go back to your apartment and fix it.
Kramer: Fix what?
Jerry: Your pants!
Kramer: what is this? What have I got one pant leg on for?
Jerry: Don't you know? Look-look at your face! You only shaved the right side of your face! What is this? A joke?
Kramer: No, t's a joke.. a joke... a joke... you think this is funny?
Jerry: Go look at your face in the mirror.
Kramer: Wha-huh-wha-huh...
Jerry: (pressing intercom) yeah?
George: (on intercom) It's George.
Jerry: Come on up.
Kramer: I don't believe this.
Jerry: You mean, you didn't know you were doing any of these things?
Kramer: No, I swear.
Jerry: I bet this is from that kick from that crazy Joe Davola. You better see a doctor and get some X-rays.
George: (to Kramer) Ah! You're just the man I'm looking for.
Kramer: Me?
George: Yeah, here you go.
Kramer: What's this?
George: A dry-cleaning bill?
Jerry: From that woman at NBC?
George: Yeah.
Kramer: A dry-cleaning bill for what?
George: For vomiting on her vest!
Kramer: Oh, come on George! I didn't do that on purpose!
George: Well, I shouldn't have to pay for it!
Kramer: Well, neither should I! Jerry's the one who left the milk in the refrigerator.
George: (to Jerry) Yeah, your milk.
Jerry: (pointing Kramer) He drank it.
Kramer: I didn't know.
Jerry: All right, well, we should all chip in I guess.
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: How much was it to clean the vest?
George: Eighteen dollars.
Jerry: Can you get vomit out of suede?
George: I don't know.
Kramer: Yo-yo Ma!
Jerry: What? Yo-yo Ma?
Kramer: What about him?
Jerry: You just said 'Yo-yo Ma'.
George: What's Yo-yo Ma?
Jerry: He's a cellist. (to Kramer) You should see a doctor today.
George: All right, come on, come on, let's go. Six dollars.
Jerry: I can't believe she sent you that dry-cleaning bill.
George: I know!
Jerry: That doesn't really bode well for the show, does it?
George: The show! Forget about the show! We should take the idea to a different network
Jerry: Oh, yeah. Right. Like anybody's ever gonna do this! How did you get me to go along with that? A show about nothing!
George: It was a good idea. Susan liked it. Now, if he hadn't vomitted all over her, we'd be writing it right now.
Kramer: Jeez!
George: Anyway.
Jerry: (interrupts) What are you doing? What's wrong with you? What're you doing? Give me that phone! Go to your apartment and lie down, I'll make an appointment for a doctor today. (on the phone) Hello? Oh hi! I'm sorry. No, that's my next door neighbor. He's not quite himself. He got kicked in the head. What? Really? You're kidding! Today? Yeah! Sure! We could make it. Two o'clock? Yeah, we would do that. Okay. Great! Thanks a million! Okay, bye.
George: What?
Jerry: NBC! They wanna have another meeting about the idea.
George: They wanna have another meeting? They wanna buy it?! They wanna but it?! Oh! I tell you! We're gonna be rich!! What are we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty thousand?
Jerry: I don't know about sixty.
George: Oh, it's gotta be fifty! Hee hee! You know how much Ted Danson makes, huh?
Jerry: Ted Danson! Now, how are you comparing us to Ted Danson?
George: I didn't say 'We're Ted Danson.'
Jerry: Yes, you did. You said 'We're Ted Danson'!
George: Oh!
Jerry: You know, I think he wears a piece.
George: Yeah, don't worry. He can afford it.
Jerry: I'm ten minutes slow again! That's it for this piece of junk! I've had it.
George: What, is that the one your parents gave you?
Jerry: Yeah! But it never works. You know we're supposed to be there by two o'clock. We should take a cab.
George: All right, we'll be a little late, I,m not taking a cab.
Jerry: I'll pay for it.
George: It's not the money!
Jerry: Well, what is it you object to? The comfort? The Speed? The convenience?
Leo: Jerry!
Jerry: Uncle Leo!
Leo: Helloooo!
Jerry: Hello there, how're you doing?
Leo: Ha ha! How are you?
Jerry: Good, good.
Leo: How's your mom and dad?
Jerry: Good, fine.
Leo: What are you getting to be too much of a big shot now to give me a call? I don't hear from you anymore!
Jerry: Oh, no. I've been kinda busy. It's all.
Leo: You know where I just came from?
Jerry: (not enthousiastic at all) Oh, sure. Danny.
Leo: He used to be in the pajama business. I used to be able to get pajamas for free. I used to come over and get pajamas all the time!
Jerry: Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember.
Leo: The funny thing is I can't wear 'em. I get too hot. I sleep in my underwear and a t-shirt. If it gets too hot, I just get the t-shirt off! Anyway, Danny says to me 'You need any pajamas?'
Jerry: (interrupts) I-I'm sorry Uncle Leo, I really gotta get going.
Leo: Oh. Well. You gotta get going, so go.
Jerry: We, we got a big meeting with the president of NBC.
Leo: Nobody got a gun to your head!
Jerry: (seems sincere) Yeah, I'm really sorry, uh.
Leo: Go. Really. I understand. You got an appointment, go to your appointment.
Jerry: I'm sorry, really.
Leo: You know, I know plenty of people in Hollywood too!
Jerry: Sorry, really.
Kramer: (from inside) Yeah?
Newman: Come on, are you ready? Let's go!
Kramer: For what?
Newman: What's the matter with you? I just talked to you fifteen minutes ago.
Kramer: what about?
Newman: The courthouse. You gotta go with me to the courthouse. I'm contesting a ticket today.
Kramer: I can't, I'm going to the doctor's later.
Newman: You gotta go with me. I mean, you-you're my alibi. You have to take the stand.
Kramer: Well, I can't!
Newman: Well, let me remind you of something. You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me and my helmet. I saved your life! You would be dead! Dead! You would cease to exist! You would be gone for the rest of eternity! You wouldn't even begin to comprehend what that means!!
Kramer: Shut up! I'll get my coat!
Kramer: Don't step on anything.
Jerry: You see the look on my uncle's face? Did you see how insulted he was? What could I do? Waht are we supposed to do? You can't leave. There's no excuse good enough to justify walking away from a conversation with one of my relatives.
George: I didn't shave this morning. I don't feel like myself.
Jerry: You could be a fireman on a fire truck on the way to a fire. You bump into one of my relatives. 'I'm sorry Uncle Leo, there's a building full of people burning down. I really do have to be running.' He'll go 'Go. Go ahead. Go to your fancy fire. If that's what you have to do.'
George: Look at this.
Jerry: Why didn't you shave this morning?
George: 'Cause I shaved yesterday in the afternoon.
Jerry: Why?
George: Because of the day before. It's a long story.
Jerry: Is that Joe Davola?
George: It's not him!
Jerry: I can't live tlike this. I'm being stalked.
Receptionist: Mister Seinfeld? They're ready for you.
Jerry: Oh.
George: Mister Seinfeld? What about Mister Costanza? I'm not here?
Jerry: All right. Look. Now, you promised you're gonna be a little more flexible on the nothing idea, okay? Jsut a little.
George: Okay. A little.
Newman: Okay, you're all set? You got your story?
Kramer: No.
Newman: When the cop stopped me, I told him that I was rushing home because my friend was about to commit suicide.
Kramer: Uhm...
Newman: Now, you're that firend. Now, all we need is a reason why you were going to commit suicide.
Kramer: I never had an air conditioner.
Newman: No! That's no reason to kill yourself!
Kramer: Why? It gets hot at night, you can't sleep. You ever tried to sleep in a really hot room?
Newman: Every night I sleep in a really hot room, I don't want to kill myself.
Kramer: Well, I slept in really hot rooms and I wanted to kill myself.
Newman: No, no, no. That's not gonna work. Something else.
Kramer: I was never able to become a banker.
Newman: Banker! So you're killing yourself because your dreams of becoming a banker have gone unfulfilled. You-you-you-you can't live without being a banker.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah. If I can't be banker, I don't wanna live.
Newman: You must be banker.
Kramer: MUST be banker.
Newman (Satisfied): Okay, we'll go with the banker story.
George: The story is the foundation of all entertainment. You must have a good story otherwise it's just masturbation.
Russel: And people really have to care about the characters.
George: Care? Forget about care. Love. They have to love the characters. Otherwise, why would they keep tuning in?
Jerry: Wouldn't tune in.
George: Would they tune in?
Jerry: No tune.
Russel: We like to look at the show as if it were in EKG. You have your highs and your lows and it goes up and down.
George: The show will be like a heart attack!
Jerry: Just a huge massive coronary.
Russel: So what you said last week about no story, you're a little flexible on that now.
George: Is-is that what I said 'no story'? Because Jerry had to tell me later.
Jerry: He couldn't believe it.
George: (Laughs, snorts) I said, I said 'Get outta here! No story? Is that what I said?'
Police Officer: Well, I informed him that he was exceeding the speed limit and uh, that's when he told me that he was racing home because his friend was about to commit suicide.
Judge: And then what happened?
Police Officer: Well, then he became very loud and hysterical. He was flailing his arms about as he told the story and then he threw himself on the ground and he grabbed me around the legs and then he begged me to let him go. And when I refused, that's when he began to scream 'My friend's going to die, my friend's going to die.'
Russel: Look. I don't know how you two guys feel but we would really like to be in business with you.
George: Well, we would like to be in business. Let's do business. We'll have some business. Let's have business.
Jerry: We would love to be in business. We'll do business. We're in business. It's... it's business. This is business.
George: Yeah!
Stu: Would it be possible to get a-a-a copy of 'La Cocina'?
Jerry: Your off-Broadway play.
George: Oh, oh. Uh, you know. It's the damndest thing. I, uh, I moved recently and my files, pfff, disappeared. Now, I-I don't know if they fell off the truck or if there was some sort of foul play but let me tell you something. I'm not through with that moving company.
Jerry: (backs his story) Hmm, hmm.
George: That's my vow to you.
Russel: Well, I got a feeling about you two. And even more than that. I place a great deal of confidence in that lady's judgment.
George: Oh! That's good judgment. That's a pile of judgment there. Sure.
Jerry: Oh! Taht's judgment. Yes, yes. Judgment with earrings on. Yeah.
Russel: (gets up) So, let's make a pilot.
Newman: I had gone up to Westchester. I go there every Tuesday. I do charity for the blind in my spare time for the Lighthouse. I was in the middle of a game of Parcheesi with an old blind man and I excused myself to call my friend as he was very depressed lately because he never became a banker.
Judge: I don't understand.
Newman: You see, it'd been his lifelong dream to be a banker and he uh, just the day before he was turned down by another bank. I believe it was the Manufacturer's Hanover on Lexington and 40th Street. That was the third bank to turn him down so I was-I was a little concerned. I wanted to see how he was doing. Well, Your Honor, he was barely audible. But I distinctly recall him say...
Kramer: (interupts involuntarily) Yo-yo Ma!
Newman: So I sped home to save my friend's life and I was stopped for speeding. Yes, I admit I was speeding but it was to save a man's life. A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved and to be a banker.
Judge: So then he didn't kill himself.
Newman: No sir. He did not. But only by thge grace of God. He's in the courtroom today
George: See?
Jerry: Yeah!
George: I told you, I told you! Ha ha ha! Ooh ooh!
Jerry: Now, all we gotta do is write it.
George: Yes! How're we gonna do that?
Susan: Hey! Congratulations!
Jerry: Thanks.
George: Oh, thank you.
Jerry: Thank you, thanks.
George: Thanks. Gee, you know, I thought you were mad at me.
Susan: No.
Receptionist: Mister Seinfeld, you have a phone call.
Jerry: Phone call? Who knows I'm here?
George: When you sent me the-the bill for the dry-cleaning. I thought the show didn't have a chance.
Susan: Oh, it was only vomit.
George: Anyway, I-I would like to-to pay for the cleaning.
Susan: Oh no-no, it's okay. *comment from transcriber yeah, she doesn't want to be paid, didn't she send the bill?*
George: No-no-no, we all chipped in. We have the money.
Susan: Well, it was eighteen dollars.
George: Okay, uh, eighteen dollars, and there it is. There you go. So maybe we could get together this weekend.
Susan: Yeah. Call me.
George: All right, great.
Susan: Bye.
Jerry: Bye thanks.
George: (chuckles) Bye, thanks. (To Jerry, when Susan is far) I can't believe she took the money.
Jerry: Why?
George: I offered to pay. She should've said no.
Jerry: She did, you insisted.
George: Maybe this is what the pilot should be about, vomiting on somebody's vest.
Jerry: Nah!
George: How much are we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty thousand?
Jerry: oh, I d-I don't know. I d-
George: Oh, gotta get fifty. Gotta get fifty. All right, I tell you what. We go to the coffee shop, you call your manager. Maybe they made an offer.
Jerry: Okay.
George: (excited, pushing Jerry forward) All right, let's go, let's go, let's go, come on.
George: Thirteen thousand?
Jerry: Thirteen thousand.
George: a piece?
Jerry: No, for both!
George: That's insulting! Ted Danson makes eight hundred thousand dollars an episode.
Jerry: Oh, would you stop with the Ted Danson?
George: Well, he does.
Jerry: You're nuts!
George: I'm sorry. I can't live knowing Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who is he?
Jerry: He's somebody.
George: What about me?
Jerry: You're nobody.
George: Why him? Why not me?
Jerry: He's good, you're not.
George: I'm better than him.
Jerry: You're worse, much much worse. (crouches in booth) That's Davola!
George: (crouches too) What? Where? Where?
Jerry: Outside! I saw him outside!
Elaine: what is it?
Boyfriend: Oh, it's this patient.
Elaine: (sighing) Again?
Boyfriend: I'm fairly certain. I forgot to leave him an extra prescription for his medication.
Elaine: Well, so, he can live without his Valium for a couple of days.
Boyfriend: Nah, you don't understand. He could be dangerous.
Jerry: Go outside and see if he's still there.
George: I can't go out there, he knows we're friends.
Jerry: Well, what are we supposed to do? I gotta take Kramer to the doctor.
George: Tell the cop.
Jerry: Good idea.
Cop: Yeah, all right. Just let me get a muffin.
Jerry: Thanks.
Jerry: (back in booth) He's gonna get a muffin and then he'll walk us outside. This is a great way to go through life.
George: I thought you said he was gonna get a muffin.
Jerry: (bossy) What are you doing?
Cop: What?
Jerry: What, are you ordering food now?
Cop: Yeah! Yeah, I decided to get a sandwich.
Jerry: What happened to the muffin?
Cop: I got a little hungry.
Jerry: All of a sudden you get hungry?
Cop: Yeah! You got a problem with that?
Jerry: No! Enjoy your lunch.
George: I thought he was just gonna have a muffin.
Jerry: All of a sudden he gets hungry.
George: You know, a muffin can be very filling.
Jerry: I know!
Newman: (interrogating Kramer) Mister Kramer, you heard the testimony so far. Would you please tell the court in your own words what happened on the afternoon of September 10th?
Kramer: What do you mean 'my own words'? Whose words are they gonna be?
Newman: You know what I mean.
Kramer: (to Judge) I was very upset that day.
Newman: And why was that?
Kramer: (to Newman) Would you let me say it? Let me talk!
Newman: All right, all right. Go ahead, go ahead.
Kramer: All right.
Newman: Okay.
Kramer: (to Judge) I was very upset that day because I could never become a banker.
Newman: And that failure to become a banker was eating at you. Eating-eating-eating at you inside.
Kramer: (not convincing) Uh, yeah.
Newman: It was your family that pushed you into banking , it was their dream for you...
Judge: Mister Newman.
Newman: Your Honor, I'm only trying to establish Mister Kramer's fragile emotional state, my entire case depends on it.
Judge: Uh, continue.
Newman: As you were saying, Mister Kramer...
Kramer: What was the question?
Newman: You're telling how your parents pushed you into banking.
Kramer: Uh, well, my father when I was a kid, he took me to the bank and he lifted me up and he pointed to the teller and he said 'Sonny boy, take a good look at him, that's gonna be you some day.'
Newman: But you never became a banker, did you Mister Kramer? Why? Why did you fail?
Kramer: I don't know.
Newman: It was because you hated your father and you would do anything to displease him. Isn't THAT true?
Judge: Uh, could you get to the speeding?
Newman: Yuh, yes. I intend to Your Honor. And then, on the afternoon of September 10th, you received a phone call did you not?
Kramer: (puzzled) Phone call?
Newman: Yes, a phone call!
Kramer: From who?
Newman: From me!
Kramer: From you?
Newman: Yes, from me!! I called you remember?
Kramer: You called me?
Newman: Yes, I called you, you idiot! Because you were going to... You were going to... Remember?
Kramer: what?
Newman: You were going to...
Judge: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call a-
Newman: Yes, the banker!!!
Kramer: What banking?
Newman: A banker! A banker! Your Honor, Your Honor, Your Honor...
Judge: That's enough already.
Newman: Your Honor, Mister Kramer's obviously very distraught.
Kramer: I'm distraught!?! Wooh-wooh-hoo!
Newman: (to Kramer) You shut up! (to judge) I demand a recess so I can take him outside and help him regain hius composure.
Judge: That'll be seventy-five dollars.
Newman: (Strangling Kramer) What's the matter with you? We had it all worked out!
Jerry: Do you see him?
George: I'm not* sure.
Jerry: Well, either you see him or you don't.
George: All right. I don't.
Jerry: (looking at the cop) What is he doing? Is he getting coffee? I think he's getting coffee.!
George: What's with this guy?
Jerry: (still bossy) Did you just order coffee?
Cop: Yeah.
Jerry: This is really too much.
Cop: What is your problem?
Jerry: Well, I'm sitting over there waiting for you to finish your sandwich for twenty minutes. Now you're drinking coffee, that's gonna be another ten minutes.
Cop: Well, you're just gonna have to wait.
Kramer: Never said anything about the banking.
Newman: You're off your rocker.
Jerry: Hey you guys!
Kramer: Hey!
Jerry: What are you doing here?
Kramer: What are YOU doing here?
Jerry: Hey, is Davola outside?
Kramer: Davola?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: No, I didn't see him.
Newman: Crazy Joe Davola?
George: (reading the tabs) Jerry, yours is eleven dollars.
Jerry: Eleven dollars for what?
George: Muffin, sandwich and coffee!
Jerry: (to Kramer) Hey, NBC okayed our idea. We're gonna make the pilot.
Kramer: You're gonna do the circus freak show, uh?
Jerry: No.
Newman: Pilot? So what do you make for something like that? Fifty? Sixty thousand?
George: What's the difference? The money is not important.
Jerry: (looking outside) Hey Newman, is that your red car?
Newman: Yeah.
Jerry: I think you're getting a ticket.
Newman: Deh!
Kramer: Run, run! Go, go, go!
Newman: Hey! What are you doing? It's after six o'clock! You can't give me a ticket! Hey, you're not gonna get away with this. I'll fight this. I got witnesses.
Kramer: I saw the whole thing!
Jerry: Maybe this whole thing would be a good idea for the pilot.
George: Ah, get outta here. The vomiting is much funnier.
Jerry: Oh, like you know what you're talking about!
George: No, YOU do!


Jerry: So George and I went up to NBC and we told them the idea for a series now we're just waiting to sign the contract.
Helen: And they liked the idea?
Jerry: Yeah.
Morty: What'ya got leather seats here?
Helen: Since when is George a writer?
Jerry: What writer? It's a sitcom.
Helen: This is so exciting. When are you going to sign the contract?
Jerry: Soon, there's a couple of problems.
Morty: Jerry, I wanna tell you that meal was the worst.
Jerry: What do you expect? It's airline food.
Morty: They give you that *Fish.*
Jerry: How could you eat fish on a plane?
Morty: because she puts up such a big stink every time I have a piece of meat.
Helen: What kind of problems?
Jerry: Well, George doesn't think $13,000 is enough money.
Helen: What? He's not even working.
Morty: George is right. Those people will try to get away with murder. Believe me. They're all crooks.
Helen: Jerry, I want you to sign that contract.
Jerry: We're going to sign it. We're going to sign it. In fact George is out with the woman from NBC right now.
George: So, I'm uh, I'm afraid we're going to have to pass.
Susan: Yu - you're passing?
George: Well, it's . . . much too low.
Susan: Are you and Jerry in complete agreement on this?
George: tsh (snorts) Ah, yeah, we've - we've talked . . . I believe I can speak for the both of us on this.
Susan: Well be-because you know that, because this is your first show it's a pretty standard deal.
George: Standard?
Susan: Yeah.
George: Is Ted Danson's deal standard?
Susan: Ted Danson?
George: You know, the guy from Cheers.
Susan: Yeah, I know who he is. (laughs) You're not Ted Danson.
George: I didn't say I was Ted Danson.
Susan: All right, I'll tell Russell tomorrow.
George: You tell Russell.
Susan: Oh, um, before I forget, . . . Cuban cigars. It's a present from my father.
George: Oh... do I have to write him a note or something?
Susan: Yeah, I am sure he'd appreciated that.
George: Well what would I say in the note?
Susan: Ah, you're a writer. You'll think of something.
George: Oh-ohf (snorts) yeah, I'm a writer. (laughs)
Helen: Were you waiting long at the gate?
Jerry: Um, I don't even know?
Helen: Where's that watch we bought you?
Jerry: Oh uh ...
Jerry: That's enough with this piece of junk I've had it. (throws watch in garbage)
George: Wha-Is that the one your parents gave you?
Jerry: Yeah, but it never works.
Jerry: . . . it's uh, being fixed.
Morty: I got a guarantee on that watch. Give it to me, I'll take it back to where we got it.
Jerry: It's at the jeweler.
Morty: You send me the bill.
Jerry: I'm not sending you the bill.
Helen: That watch was a gift. You shouldn't have to pay for it.
Gas Station Attendant: That's uh, $18.50.
Morty: Here, I got it.
Jerry: What are you talking about? It's my car. Let me pay for the gas.
Morty: No, no put it away . . .
Jerry: Dad!
Morty: Stop it.
Jerry: I have money. I make money.
Morty: Yeah, yeah, you make money.
Jerry: You don't think I make money. That's what you think isn't it?
Helen: No, I don't think that.
Jerry: Yes you do. That's what you both think.
Morty: I'm paying.
Jerry: Dad I'm paying.
Morty: Get out of here.
Jerry: You're not paying.
Morty: Now Jerry please, do not do this to your father. Over my dead body Jerry. I'll tell you right now, you're not going to do it.
Jerry: No don't do this. You're not doing this. I will fight you. No you don't... No.
Jerry: Boy, you got a lot of stuff here. . . . Dad, what are you doing?
Morty: Nothing nothing.
Jerry: Leave it. What about your back?
Helen: Morty, what are you doing?
Morty: All right, all right.
Jerry: You come all the way up here to see a back specialist and you're lifting heavy suit cases.
Kramer: Hey, Morty.
Morty: Hey, Mr. Kramer. Ha ha ha.
Kramer: Hey, Mrs. Seinfeld. Hi
Helen: Ha, ha, ha Oh, What happened to you?
Kramer: Oh, ah, well some guy kicked me in the side of the head.
Helen: What guy?
Kramer: Ah, w-Crazy Joe Devola.
Helen: Why?
Kramer: Well, I was having this party and I didn't invite him and then Jerry, tipped him off.
Jerry: Why did you tell this crazy guy that Kramer didn't invite him to his party?
Jerry: I didn't know he wasn't invited.
Morty: Hey, these are very comfortable pants. You know what I paid for these Jerry?
Helen: So why did you say anything?
Jerry: It was a mistake.
Morty: They're good around the house - and they're good for outside.
Helen: Are you okay?
Kramer: Oh, yeah, yeah. I was a little off last week, huh Jerry - Yeah but the doctor says it was just a slight concussion
Helen: So what's the matter with this Devola guy?
Jerry: He's got like a chemical imbalance. He needs to be on medication.
Kramer: Oh, yeah, yeah. He's after Jerry now.
Jerry: Kramer!!
Helen: He's what?!
Jerry: He's joking.
Helen: He's after you?
Jerry: Nooo.
Helen: Why is he after you?
Jerry: He's not after me.
Helen: Morty, do you here this? Some crazy guy is after Jerry.
Morty: I'll make a few phone calls.
Jerry: Who you gonna to call?
Morty: What are you worried about?
Helen: I want to know what you did to this guy that he's after you.
Jerry: I didn't do anything.
Helen: Well you must have done something.
Jerry: No, he just doesn't like me.
Helen: Doesn't like you? How could anyone not like you?
Jerry: You know it seems impossible.
Helen: Doesn't - doesn't like you? How could that be?
Jerry: Ma, I know this may be hard for you to understand but I am sure there are many people who do not like me.
Helen: Huh, Jerry, don't say that.
Jerry: It's true.
Helen: No, it isn't! it's not true. You're a wonderful, wonderful boy. Everybody likes you. It's impossible not to like you. Impossible. Morty?
Morty: Maybe some people don't like him. I could see that.
Helen: Kramer?
Kramer: Yeah, I like him. Hey Jerry, what time you got?
Jerry: Um, I haven't got my watch on. It's being fixed.
Kramer: When you getting it back?
Jerry: Uh, next week.
Kramer: Next week? How come it's takin' so long?
Jerry: Huh?
Kramer: I said how come it's takin' so long?
Jerry: I don't know. They're, backed up.
Kramer: Wait a minute, wait a minute, where did you take it?
Jerry: Where'd I take it?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: Where did I take it? Where Did I Take It? (stabbing a knife into a cutting board) Umm, to that place on, uh Columbus and 85th. Okay?
Kramer: What? Jimmy Sherman?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: Yeah, I know the guy. I take my stuff in there all the time. Yeah, I bet I can get your watch back by tomorrow morning.
Jerry: No, Kramer, I don't want you to say anything to him.
Kramer: No, I'd be happy to. He's a friend of mine.
Jerry: I'd like to follow the regular procedures. I don't want any special treatment.
Kramer: Hey, I'm going to get that watch back for you by tomorrow, buddy. You see.
Morty: Bring me the receipt.
Kramer: I get that too. (exits)
Jerry: Be right back. (follows Kramer out)
Jerry: There's no watch ... I threw it in the garbage can on the street. It didn't keep good time. My parents gave it to me, but I didn't like it. So don't mention it again, okay!
Kramer: Y-Yeah, all right.
Jerry: All right.
Kramer: Wait, wait, . . .y-yea, w-no dit dit g- (Kramer noises)
Helen: What was that about?
Kramer: Oh, no, uh, he's got my Calamine lotion and uh, I told him not to return it. If he needs it he should keep it. He's got uh, he's got a thing on his ankle.
Helen: How can anyone not like him.
Morty: Hi, Morty Seinfeld. I have a two o'clock appointment.
Receptionist: Yes, Mr. Seinfeld. Would you please fill this out.
Morty: All this? This whole thing? It's going to take me forty-five minutes.
Receptionist: I know. It's very long.
Morty: Look at this. It's a book. Employer's address. Whydo they need this? You know I never had a back problem until that night I slept on the convertible sofa. (hu hu) My back was fine.
Helen: Well, it's not the sofa.
Morty: You stick up for that sofa like I'm criticizing a person.
Helen: We got it from Sullivan's. It's a good store.
Morty: Well one day somebody's going to sleep on that thing and we'll get sued. I hope this doctor knows what he's doing.
Helen: Leo says he's the best there is.
Morty: Leo, I'm listening to Leo now!
Helen: Well you're lucky he was able to get you this appointment. You know what the waiting list is for this guy?
Morty: Well, if he fixes my back I'll be happy. . . . (back to the form) Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease? That's IT! . . . Here, you got my name, you got my address. That's enough.
Receptionist: Julie, you want to take him back?
Jerry: You what? You passed? How could you do that?
George: ahhhhh (exhaling) Jerry, my young friend, you're so nave. You are so, so nave. You know about a few things. You know about comedy, a little bit about relationships, some baseball, but you are so far out of your element here, you are embarrassing yourself. Now listen to me. I'm negotiating. Negotiation, this is what'cha do in business.
Jerry: Let me explain to you what you just did. There are literally hundreds of people trying to get pilot deals with them this year. They go with maybe, five. Okay, if we pass, that's it. They go to the next show.
George: Ooooo, I'm scared. . . . Ohoooo they're not going to do the show.
Jerry: We're lucky they're even interested in the idea in the first place. We got a show about nothing. With no story. What do you think, they're up there going, hey maybe we should give those two guys, who have no experience and no idea, more money!?
George: Ohooo what are we going to do? I'm shaking! I'm shaking!
Jerry: Well, I think you're wrong.
George: Well, we'll just see.
Jerry: Yes we will.
George: Yes we will.
Jerry: I just said that.
George: I know you did.
Jerry: So good for you.
George: So good for you.
Jerry: What are you repeating everything I'm saying?
George: What are you repeating everything I'm saying?
Jerry: Well George is an idiot.
George: Well George . . . .
Morty: All right, all right, Let's go already. They keep you in here a year. They don't give a damn. I could die in here. . . .(open the door and shouts into the hallway) Excuse me! Excuse me! What's going on? I'm here twenty minutes. Could somebody please help me.
Helen: (enters) Shhh. Quiet! Everyone can hear you.
Morty: Twenty minutes. I've been waiting twenty minutes.
Helen: Well the doctor must be busy.
Morty: Well then what do they make appointments for if they can't keep them. Huh, hha. Look if I did that in my business I wouldn't have made a nickel.
Nurse: Hello, Mr. Seinfeld.
Morty: I thought you forgot about me.
Nurse: We didn't forget.
Morty: HaAhhh! The Velcro. I can't stand Velcro. It's that t-e-a-r-I-n-g sound. I used to be in raincoats. I refused to put that in any of my lines.
Nurse: Okay, Mr. Seinfeld, please come this way. We need some X-rays.
Morty: Leave all my stuff here?
Nurse: Leave it.
George: Oh hey, by the way. Do you want a box 'a, Cuban cigars? I smoked one last night. I got nauseous.
Jerry: No I don't want ?em.
Kramer: I'll take it. No, I'll take it. What is it?
George: Here you go.
Kramer: Cigars? (hits the box)
George: Yeah, Cubans.
Kramer: Oh, yeah?
George: Yeah, the kind that Castro smoked. You can't buy ?em anywhere.
Kramer: Castro eh? Pasto costillo homiga (nonsense Spanish)
Jerry: Yeah?
Voice: Federal Express.
Jerry: Federal Express? Come on up. . . . Federal Express. I'm not expecting a package.
Kramer: Wooo, you know what you just did? You let a burglar in the building.
Jerry: You think so?
Kramer: Federal Express? Of course. That's the oldest trick in the book. You know it might not be a burglar it could be a murderer.
Jerry: So you want to just abolish all home package deliveries.
Kramer: Yes. It's dangerous.
Kramer: wait det doit ... dit (Kramer noises - he prepares for a fight by rolling up a magazine)
Jerry: Who is it?
Voice: Federal Express.
Kramer: Okay, ... gidg gi gt (backs up and bends his knees, holding the rolled magazine - arm back, ready for a rumble)
All: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
Kramer: I want one of those!
Elaine: Hiiii Kramer
Kramer: Oh yes
Elaine: Kramer, Hi, I thought you went to California.
Kramer: Well I came back for you.
Elaine: Oh, shut up (pushes Kramer)
Jerry: I missed you.
Elaine: Really? You really missed me?
Jerry: Yeah, . . . seriously.
George: Yeah, yeah, me to miss - I miss.
Jerry: Yeah, big missing goin' on (spreads arms wide)
Elaine: Ahhhhhh haa ha ha
Kramer: Hey, I'm going to be right back. I'm going to get a match.
Elaine: Oh god, Who's suitcase is this?
Jerry: Oh, it's my parents. My father came up to see a back specialist.
Elaine: Oh, god, it's probably from sleeping on that sofa.
George: Boy, you look really great.
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: You lie.
George: No, no you really look great.
Elaine: Hu hu, ha ha ha.
Jerry: So tell us about the trip. How's Dr. Reston?
Elaine: Oh, he's fine.
Jerry: Things are good?
Elaine: Yeah, you know (scratches cheek and sniffs)
Jerry: Uh oh.
Elaine: What, Uh oh?
Jerry: Did you see that?
George: Yeah, I saw it.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: It's a tell. You gotta tell.
Elaine: What tell? What's a tell?
Jerry: When you ask someone about their relationship and they touch their face, you know it's not going too well. Go ahead ask me how it's going with somebody.
Elaine: Um, uh, who's it going with, uh, Alice?
Jerry: Good, going good (scratches chin) And the higher up on the face you go the worse the relationship is getting. You know it is like - pretty good - not bad - I gotta get out. (scratches chin, nose then covers eyes with hands)
Elaine: How high did I go?
George: You almost did the nose.
Jerry: What are you eating my peanut butter out of the jar with your disgusting index fingers? This is a sickening display. (takes the peanut butter jar away from George)
George: What? I'm not eating bread now. I'm off bread.
Jerry: (To George) You're off bread. (To Elaine) So what happened is it over?
Elaine: No not quite.
Jerry: Why not?
Elaine: Well he was my psychiatrist, you know. I mean, he knows all my patterns. He knows In relationships that I always try to find some reason to leave, and so, he says as my doctor, he can't allow me to do this, so he's not letting me leave.
George: What do you mean - "Not letting you?"
Elaine: He has this power over me, okay. I mean he has this way of manipulating every little word that I say. He's like a Svenjolly.
Jerry: Svengali.
Elaine: What did I say?
Jerry: Svenjolly.
Elaine: Svenjolly? I did not say Svenjolly.
Jerry: George?
George: Svenjolly. (licking a little bit of peanut butter from his finger)
Elaine: I don't see how I could have said Svenjolly.
Jerry: Well maybe he's got like a, cheerful mental hold on you.
Kramer: You know I can't find a match anywhere.
George: You know what you should do? You should tell this guy you're seeing somebody else. That's the easiest way to get out of these things.
Elaine: No, it's not going to work with this guy.
George: No, you just tell him ah, an old boyfriend has come back into your life.
Elaine: I don't think so.
Jerry: Nice try.
George: Took a shot.
Kramer: This is a good cigar (hair is on fire, white smoke pouring from the back of his head) . . . . . . WOOOOOOOOOOW . . . (runs to bathroom, his arms in the air - he bangs them in to the top of the hallway door jam and falls into the bathroom)
Morty: So, when do I get to see the doctor?
Nurse: He'll be in with the X-Rays in a few minutes. You can get dressed. (leaves)
Morty: (checking pants) They stole my wallet. The bum stole my wallet. (opens door, shouts into the hallway) MY WALLET'S GONE! MY WALLET'S GONE! I had my wallet in my back pocket. It's gone.
Nurse: Are you sure?
Morty: Yes, I'm sure. I went in to get my X-Ray, Somebody takes my wallet. Is that the operation here?
Dr. Dembrow: Mr. Seinfeld, I'm Dr. Dembrow, I've been going over your X-rays.
Morty: I'm not interested in the X-Rays. I want my money back. Somebody stole my wallet. I had $225 in there.
Dr. Dembrow: Well, I don't see how something like that could have happened.
Morty: Oh, you don't see. You don't see. Well it happened. Believe me.
Helen: (enters) What's going on?
Morty: They stole my wallet.
Helen: What?
Morty: Yeah, while I was in getting X-Rayed.
Dr. Dembrow: All right, Mr. Seinfeld, I am sorry about your wallet but would you like me to look over these X-Rays?
Morty: What kind of clip joint are ya running here?
Dr. Dembrow: All right, fine. (leaves)
Helen: The least you could have done was heard your diagnosis.
Morty: I am not interested in his diagnosis. He's a bum.
Helen: You came all the way from Florida to see him.
Morty: I want to know what kind of an office this is where you can't leave your pants in the room. You tell me.
Elaine: I'm sorry but there's somebody else.
Dr. Reston: Umm hm.
Elaine: Well it's, nothing I planned on happening, you know. It just, kind of happened.
Dr. Reston: Tell me about him.
Elaine: Well, there's not really much to tell, you know, he's just a guy, Really.
Dr. Reston: Yes, well I assumed he's a guy.
Elaine: Right...
Dr. Reston: And you've known him how long?
Elaine: . . . Years. Many years (her voice cracks), um, (clears throat) we've been close friends and then recently something just you know *ehghh* happened.
Dr. Reston: You mean sexually?
Elaine: Yeah, yeah. Sexu-ally.
Elaine: I think your um ... (points at the phone)
Dr. Reston: Excuse me. Yes, Oh yes, Bobo. Uh, no it's just east of Madison. Around 400 will be fine. All right Bobo ... see you then. (hangs up) . . . I'm sorry where were we?
Elaine: Well, I was just um, telling you about this, other guy.
Dr. Reston: Mm. Elaine ...
Elaine: Yeah
Dr. Reston: Do you remember your dream, where you have a sexual encounter with a Chinese woman?
Elaine: Yeah. Yeah, (cough, cough) Mm-hm.
Dr. Reston: Elaine, I'm concerned about you.
Elaine: Oh, no no no no, don't concern yourself with me, because I'm - I'm good. I'm - I'm very good, I mean I'm really very, very good.
Dr. Reston: Elaine. Have you been urinating a lot again?
Elaine: . . . no.
Dr. Reston: And how often have you been seeing, um . . .? I'm sorry what is his name?
Elaine: H-his name?
Dr. Reston: Yes, his name.
Elaine: Um, well what's the difference?
Dr. Reston: Are you afraid to tell me his name?
Elaine: No, no, I just - I just don't see how that's relevant.
Dr. Reston: It doesn't matter if you don't see how. I see how.
Elaine: Uh, his name, um, I don't - I don't even know, all right you want to know his name? I'll - I'll tell you his name. His name is . . . Kramer.
Dr. Reston: Kramer. Is that his first name or his last name?
Elaine: Oh, I'm - I'm really uncomfortable talking about this.
Dr. Reston: Elaine, I want you to do me a favor.
Elaine: What?
Dr. Reston: I want you to tell this young man to give me a call. It's very important that I speak to him.
Elaine: Oh, oh no, no no no, I can't do that.
Dr. Reston: You can do it and you will do it.
Elaine: No, I can't.
Dr. Reston: You can and you will.
Elaine: Okay, okay. Yeah I'll have Kramer give you a call.
Jerry: So you didn't even let the doctor treat you?
Morty: I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.
Helen: Why did you leave your wallet in your pants?
Morty: What are you talking about? What was I supposed to hide it somewhere?
Helen: You could've taken it with you.
Morty: Oh, yeah, I'll be lying on an X-Ray table with my wallet in my mouth.
Leo: Hello...
Jerry: Hi Uncle Leo.
Leo: I just talked to Dr. Dembrow's son. He said they almost had to call the police.
Morty: What are you talking about? I'm the one who should have called the police. They stole my wallet.
Leo: You know how hard it was for me to get that appointment for you? You can't just walk in on this guy. He did me a personal favor.
Morty: All right, Leo.
Leo: And you walked out without paying.
Morty: How was I supposed to pay? I didn't have my wallet.
Leo: Well, I hope you send him a check.
Morty: What for?
Leo: What for? This man was nice enough to see you. He did me a personal favor.
Morty: That's the second time you said "personal favor". Why do you keep saying that?
Leo: I said it once.
Morty: Twice! And Dembrow doesn't even know you. His son happens to live on your floor.
Helen: Leo, where did you get that watch?
Leo: You know where I got this? (flashback) I found it in the garbage can. It kept terrible time. I brought it over to Jimmy Sherman right here on 85th and Columbus. Gave it to me back the next day. Works great. What kind of idiot throws a way a perfectly good watch?
Helen: Morty, doesn't that watch look like the one that we gave Jerry.
Jerry: Hey, where's the waiter. Dad, what say we have some red meat tonight. Let's live a little. .
Helen: Let me see that.
Jerry: Could we continue this another time.


(The Episode Opens With A Series Of Clips From 'The Pitch', 'The Ticket' And 'Thewallet', Illustrating The Story So Far. A Rough Precis Would Be: George turns down the offer from NBC for the show, telling Jerry he's negotiating. Susan gives George a box of Cuban cigars from her father, which hepasses to Kramer, who sets fire to his hair while lighting one. Jerry's parents come to town, so's Morty can see a back specialist - he slept on the fold-out. Kramer tells Jerry's parents that Crazy Joe Davola is after Jerry. Jerry throws away a watch his parents gave him, because it doesn't keep time. Uncle Leo fetches it out of the garbage. Jerry tells his parents his watch is at the jeweller for repair. At the doctor's, Morty reveals his hatred of velcro and his wallet disappears. Elaine returns from Europe, eager to rid herself of the 'Svenjolly' Dr Reston. George tells her to inform the doctor she's seeing someone else. Elaine opts to say she's seeing Kramer, and Dr Reston wants to meet him.)
Jerry: It's an entire industry of bad gifts, aren't they? All those executive gifts, any stupid, goofy, brass, wood thing, they put a piece of green felt on the bottom. "It's a golf, desk, tie and stress organiser, dad." But to me, nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. There's no better way than a paperweight, to express to someone that, "I refuse to put any thought into this at all." Where are these people working that the papers are just blowing right off of their desks? What, are their desks screwed to the back of a flat-bed truck going down the highway or something? What, are they typing up in the crow's nest of a clipper ship? What do you need a paperweight for?
Morty: (to Leo) I don't understand this jeweller, Jimmy Sherman. (indicates Jerry) He brings in a watch, it takes over a week to fix. He fixed yours in one day.
Jerry: Oh, you know these jewellers, they're enigmas. They're mysteries, wrapped in a riddle.
Helen: (indicating to Jerry) She's very attractive.
Jerry: She's okay.
Helen: Just okay?
Jerry: She's nice.
Helen: She's better than nice.
Jerry: She's all right.
Helen: She's beautiful.
Jerry: She's not beautiful.
Helen: I think she's beautiful.
Jerry: So you ask her out.
Helen: I'm not gonna ask her out.
Jerry: Why not?
Helen: If you don't think she's beautiful, there's something wrong with you.
Jerry: She's pretty. She's not beautiful.
Helen: I should drop dead if she's not beautiful.
Jerry: I think that's a little extreme.
Leo: (grudgingly) She's awright.
Morty: (oblivious to the above) Two exact same watches. He tells you a week, and him a day. How could that be? Something's fishy about this.
George: He said what?
Susan: "The hell with them."
George: "The hell with them?"
Susan: Those were his exact words.
George: (worried) Oh boy.
Susan: He said, "We've got five hundred shows to choose from. Why should we give two guys, who have no idea, and no experience, more money?"
George: (still worried) He was pretty emphatic?
Susan: Pounded on his desk.
George: Pounded?
Susan: (tossing her purse on the dash) I told you to take the offer.
George: (getting animated) Look I, I uh, I had nothing to do with this. It wasn't my decision. It was Jerry! Jerry told me no. I'm the creative guy. He handles the business end.
Susan: You said it was insulting.
George: I was quoting him. Why would I be insulted? I'm never insulted. You could call me baldy, dump soup on my head. Nothing insults me.
Susan: Well, there's nothing I can do.
George: Well, don't they make a counter offer? How can they just cancel the whole deal like that? What kind of a maniac is this guy? I mean he just, he says no, and that's it?
Susan: Yeah, that's the way Russell is. He doesn't like to play games.
George: Well, he has to play! He can't just not play. We're playing! Look, I gotta see him, how do I get in touch with him?
Susan: You'll have to wait til Monday.
George: Mon...? No, no, I can't wait til Monday, that's impossible, I gotta talk to him now. Where does he live?
Susan: (laugh) I can't give you his address.
Susan: Give it back!
George: Gimme the purse!
Elaine: Okay, so he just wants to talk to you. I couldn't talk him out of it. So you just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that we're in love, okay. Can you do that?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend.
Elaine: Okay.
Kramer: Have we been intimate?
Elaine: Yeah. Yeah, we've been intimate.
Kramer: Alright, how often do we do it?
Elaine: Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, do you really think he's gonna ask you that?
Kramer: Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like that.
Elaine: Alright, alright. We do it, uh... (thinks) five times a week, okay?
Kramer: (suggestive) Oooh, baby. (smiles)
Elaine: Oh, man. Alright, listen. Just tell me something, what are you gonna say?
Kramer: I know what I'm gonna say.
Elaine: No, no, but I would like to hear it.
Kramer: No, no. I don't wanna say it out loud. Kills the spontaneity. You know, Gleason, he never rehearsed. (indicates phone) 'Kay, go 'head, do it.
Elaine: (dialling) Alright, okay. You talk to him.
Kramer: (playing with his hair) Talk to him.
Elaine: Hey, how's your hair?
Kramer: Oh, well, yeah, it's good.
Elaine: (handing over the phone) You're not the type that should be playing with matches, seriously Kramer.
Kramer: (listens) Uh, yes. Uh uh, Doctor uh, Reston, is he in? Well, this is Kramer and uh, he's expecting my call.
Elaine: (mouths silently) Okay.
Kramer: (singing) ...Johnny ...was a rebel. He rode through the land...
Kramer: ...Yu uh, yes, yes uh, uh, Doctor Reston. Uhm well, hello there. Ahh yeah, well, I'm a good friend of Elaine's...
Elaine: (animated, but quietly) No, no. Not friends.
Kramer: ...Well, actually uh, we're uh, we're not friends Uh, we're uh, we're much more than friends...
Kramer: ...and uh, I'm afraid we have a bit of a problem. Well, the point is, doctor uh, I'm very much in love with Elaine...
Kramer: ...and uh, she's very much in love with me, and uh, well uh, we would uh, appreciate it if you would cease and desist, and allow us to pursue our courtship unfettered.
Elaine: (mouths silently) That's perfect!
Kramer: If not, I can assure you, doctor, that I can make things very unpleasant for you and your staff. If you have one.
Kramer: Yes. Yeah, but the point that I... (listens)
Kramer: ...Ah, ye... (listens) Well, no... Uh, yeah, that's possible...
Kramer: (listens) ...Well, I suppose I could, (turns away from Elaine) but I'd have to shift a few things around, uhm... Hold on for a second, will you? Uh...
Kramer: ... Uh, go ahead, yeah. (listens and makes a note) Alright uh... Yeah, yeah, okay... I look forward to it too. (listens) Eh, hah, okay. So long.
Elaine: What happened? What'd he say? (indicates pad) What's going on here?
Kramer: Uh, okay now. He uh, you know, he uh, wants to get together.
Elaine: (horrified) Get together!!
Kramer: He wants to talk.
Elaine: Well, why didn't you say no!!
Kramer: (momentary confusion) Wha...? Uh... (thoughtful) That's interesting.
Elaine: (frustration) Ugh!
Naomi: Did you enjoy your poisson?
Helen: It was... different.
Naomi: (to Jerry) And how was yours?
Jerry: Ah, very good.
Naomi: You should try our mousse. (a little flirtatious) It'll change your life expectancy.
Jerry: No thanks, just the check.
Helen: What's the matter with you?
Jerry: What?
Helen: Why didn't you flirt with her?
Jerry: Come on.
Helen: She was flirting with you. Why didn't you say something?
Jerry: What am I gonna say?
Helen: You just sat there.
Jerry: Well, you made me uncomfortable.
Helen: You're a comedian, couldn't you come up with something?
Leo: (to Morty) Where's the bathroom?
Jerry: In the back, on your right.
Jerry: Dad!
Morty: Will you stop it Jerry. Let go.
Helen: Jerry.
Jerry: Will you let me pay just once.
Morty: You're out of your mind.
Jerry: How you gonna pay? You don't even have a wallet!
Morty: Don't worry about it.
Jerry: What're you gonna do?
Morty: What's the difference, we'll figure something out.
Helen: (to Jerry) You're not paying.
Jerry: Alright, fine. You figure something out. I'd be very curious to know how you pick up a check with no money. 'Cause if this works, the whole monetary system's obsolete, we're back to wampum. (standing) I'm going to the bathroom.
Morty: How the hell am I gonna pay for this?
Leo: They give you some portion here, huh?
Jerry: Uh, yeah. (broaching a subject) Hey uncle Leo, I hope I wasn't uh, rude to you that day I bumped into you on the street. Uh, I really did have to get to a meeting.
Leo: (preening himself in the mirror) Aw, no, no, I understand. I got plenty of friends in showbusiness. I know you're all very busy.
Jerry: So you found that watch in the garbage can, huh?
Leo: Yeah. In fact it was right after I ran into you.
Jerry: Oh, heh. You know, a friend of mine has a watch just like that. I'd love to replace it for him as a gift.
Leo: Well, I haven't seen too many like (indicating watch) these.
Jerry: Yeah, I know. Maybe uh, you wanna sell me that one.
Leo: (sarcastic) Aww, sure. (laughter)
Jerry: (pulling Leo back in) Hang on a second. I got a little proposition for you.
Doorman: (into phone) There's a George Bonanza to see you.
George: Costanza. Costanza.
Doorman: (into phone) George Costanza.
George: The guy who pitched him the show with the stories about nothing. (snaps fingers) Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld's friend.
Doorman: (into phone) Seinfeld friend. (he listens) (to George) He says, call him Monday.
George: (into phone, frantic) Mister Dalrimple! Mister Dalrimple I have to talk to you!
Doorman: Excuse me.
George: It's about the show. It... No, it was...
Doorman: Excuse me.
George: ...It was all a terrible misunderstanding, sir. Just five minutes. Just five minutes of your time. (listens) Thank you! Thank you, Mister Dalrimple.
Doorman: (into phone) Very good, sir.
Morty: You don't understand. I can't allow my son to pay for me. Look, as soon as I get back to Florida, I promise you I'll mail you a check.
Maitre D': Why don't you just let him pay, and then you can pay him back?
Morty: No, no, he won't let me do that.
Maitre D': Why don't you just put the money in his pants pocket, unsuspectingly?
Morty: He could wash them.
Maitre D': Monsieur, we are running a reputable business.
Morty: Don't tell me about business! I sold raincoats for thirty-five years!
Maitre D': Aha, but you did not give them away, did you?
Morty: You don't understand my...
Maitre D': Ah, monsieur, I cannot get involved with you and your family, ah.
Elaine: Now look, don't take too long.
Kramer: (looking around) Look at this building. What is this?
Elaine: I don't know. It's a building.
Kramer: (indicating) The door's on a diagonal.
Elaine: So what?
Kramer: (looking around) It's architecturally incorrect.
Elaine: (frustrated) Just go.
George: (sidling in) Is this a bad time? I hope I'm not disturbing anything.
Russell: We were about to sit down to dinner.
Russell: (indicating) This is Cynthia.
George: (entering the apartment more fully) Oh. Oh, hi, hi. Hi. Nice to meet you. (peering at the table) What're you having, veal?
Russell: No.
George: Looks like veal.
Russell: It's not veal.
George: Well, it's a good looking piece of meat. (laughs nervously) Wow, this is some place. A duplex, huh? (indicating) Look at this, you got stairs in an apartment. All my life, I dreamed about having steps in an apartment. Even one step. Sunken living room. Although, one step is really not all that sunken. (tries hard to elicit a laugh)
Russell: Who gave you my address?
George: No, that's a fair question. It is, uhm... (nervous chuckle) Jerry, yeah. (to Cynthia) Jerry's a friend of mine. (to Russell) He uh, he gave it to me. Unbelievable how many addresses of people this guy has.
George: He's got Marlon Brando's. I could go to Marlon Brando's house if I really wanted.
George: Course, I wouldn't, I mean uh, the guy is uh, well obviously (to Cynthia, as she passes) the guy has his problems.
Russell: So, what's the surprise? You wanna talk about the show?
George: Well, you know, it's really very funny, because you know what we got here, really? We really, really, just have a terrible misunderstanding. You see, when I passed on the deal, I thought that's what Jerry wanted me to say. Y'know, I, I misinterpreted.
Cynthia: (bored) Russell, where's the TV Guide.
George: Oh, what time is it? Eight thirty? I'll tell you what's on. You got Major Dad, Blossom, very funny programme...
Russell: Blossom's on Monday.
George: Are you sure? Oh, look who I'm talking to. The president of NBC. (forced laughter)
Russell: Look Mister Costanza, it's too late now anyway. I already made a deal with another writing team.
George: (worried) Alright, alright. Look, we're people, you and me, huh? Businessmen. Colleagues, if I may. Let's not quibble. We'll do it for the thirteen thousand. Thirteen thousand, and I never came up here, we never talked, alright. You take good care. (moving past Russell toward the door) It was nice seeing you again, and nice meeting you. (to Cynthia) Cynthia, right?
Russell: Alright, now look. These deals are already made.
George: Awright, lemme just say this. Ten thousand dollars, alright, and now I'm going below what you wanted to pay. You have your dinner, have your veal, or whatever it is. Enjoy...
Russell: Mister Costanza.
George: Alright, that's it. Alright, good, eight thousand dollars. (to Cynthia) Cynthia, again, nice meeting you. Have I commented on the shoes? I love suede, it's so thick and rich. Did you ever, you ever rub it against the grain? Alright, anyway...
Cynthia: (bored, frustrated) Russell, can we eat?
Russell: (to George) Alright. Eight thousand.
George: (pleased) You've made Jerry very happy.
George: May I just use your bathroom for a moment?
Jerry: Alright, two hundred, but that's as high as I can go. I really think you're being unreasonable here!
Leo: Jerry, I'd give you the watch. It's not the money, I happen to like it.
Jerry: Look, I happen to know how much that watch cost. It's a sixty dollar watch, you paid forty to get it fixed. That's a hundred dollars. I'm offering you two hundred!
Leo: (indicating) I've never seen a band like this.
Jerry: Aww, right. Three hundred, plus fifty for the repair. Three fifty, that's it!
Leo: You have it on you?
Jerry: Yeah, I think I do.
Jerry: (under his breath) This is unbelievable.
Morty: What the hell is going on here?
Kramer: Well, it uh, (offering his hand) it's a pleasure to meet you.
Reston: (shaking hands) Thank you for coming in.
Kramer: Thank you.
Reston: Please, sit down.
Kramer: (quiet) Okay.
Reston: Could I offer you something to drink. Uhm, coffee? Anything?
Kramer: Okay uh, yeah. I'll have a uh, you have a decaf cappuccino?
Reston: I don't think we have that.
Kramer: Well, that's a little strange.
Reston: Uh, why does that surprise you?
Kramer: Well, it's uh, it's a very popular drink
Reston: This is an office.
Kramer: That's true. But, you know, I can't help but think that uh...
Reston: (interrupting) So tell me Mister Kramer...
Kramer: ...Okay, yes, shoot.
Reston: Tell me all about uh, you and Elaine.
Kramer: Oh, alrighty uh...
Kramer: Well, what we have here, doctor, is uhm, an extraordinary situation.
Reston: Is it?
Kramer: Oh, you better believe it.
Davola: (singing) '...Travelling along...'
Elaine/Davola: '...singing a song, side by side...'
Elaine: Wow. You really have a terrible voice.
Davola: Do I know you?
Elaine: Uhh, I don't think so.
Davola: 'Cos you really look familiar.
Elaine: Oh, well maybe you've seen me. My face is on uhm, Mount
Davola: Oh yes, of course, that's it. I guess I'm just used to seeing it on a much larger scale.
Elaine: Oh yeah, right. I replaced uh, Teddy Roosevelt.
Davola: Oh really.
Elaine: Umm. Trustbuster. Bust this.
Kramer: You know, I never thought of it like that before, doctor. (points) You, are absolutely right.
Reston: I'm glad we agree.
Kramer: (reaching in pocket) Hey, would you like a cigar? Y'know, they're Cubans.
Reston: I'd love one.
Kramer: Yeah. You know, I think Elaine is a wonderful woman. You two are gonna make a wonderful couple.
Reston: If you ever feel, a need to talk to someone...
Kramer: (lighting Dr Reston's cigar) Uh huh.
Reston: ...About anything. You have my number.
Kramer: (lighting his own cigar) Well, that's very kind of you.
Kramer: Mmm, these are good, huh?
Kramer: (quiet) Oh.
Elaine: I cannot believe I'm doing this. I never meet people like this. You're not a nut, are you?
Davola: No, I don't think so.
Jerry: I can't believe I'm doing this. I never do stuff like this.
Naomi: (joking) Really? I give out my number to just about every customer who comes in here.
Jerry: Oh. (chuckles) Really? You don't seem that desperate.
Naomi: (playing it straight) Oh yeah. Actually, I'm a little disappointed. I kind of had my eye on uncle Leo.
Jerry: Uh huh. Well uh, I'll give you a call, and thanks for the fish. By the way, you know why fish are so thin?
Naomi: Why?
Jerry: They eat fish.
Kramer: Hey.
Elaine: What happened? What took you so long?
Kramer: Hey, he's a terrific guy.
Elaine: Wha...? What are you talking about? What'd he say?
Kramer: Well, we talked about a lot of things.
Elaine (O.C.): You talked about a lot of things? Well...
Kramer (O.C.): Yeah.
Elaine (O.C.): Did you talk about us?
Davola (O.C.): I'm in love. I just met her outside in the street. Her
Reston (O.C.): Did you say Elaine?
Jerry: How come the psychiatrist, every, the hour is only fifty minutes? Wha, what do they do with that ten minutes that they have left? Do they just sit there going, "Boy, that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe the things he was saying. What a nut! Who's coming in next? Oh, no, another headcase!"
Morty: You shoulda told me it didn't work.
Jerry: I know, I know.
Helen: You didn't have to throw it out.
Jerry: I was always late. It was frustrating me. I'm sorry, I really am.
Helen: Oh, that must be Leo.
Jerry: I woulda taken you to the airport.
Helen: He has nothing to do.
Jerry: Neither do I. (to intercom) Yeah?
George (O.S.): It's George.
Jerry: Come on up. (to parents) It's George.
Morty: Oh, it's George.
Helen: What ever happened with NBC and the deal?
Jerry: Ah, George turned it down.
Helen: He turned it down?
Jerry: Yeah.
Helen: Why did he do that?
Jerry: Because of Ted Danson.
Helen: What does Ted Danson have to do with it?
Morty: Maybe he doesn't like Ted Danson.
Jerry: (fetching a drink from the fridge) Hey, who knows, maybe we'll wind up getting more money.
George: (to Jerry) Hey.
Morty: Hey, Georgie-boy, how are ya?
George: Hey, Mr Seinfeld. (shakes Morty's hand) Hey, Mrs Seinfeld. How are you?
Helen: What's the matter with you?
George: What'd I do?
Jerry: What about NBC? Did you hear anything?
George: Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did.
George: We got a deal.
Morty/Helen/Jerry: (simultaneous) Hey!/That's wonderful!/We got a deal!
Jerry: Heyy! Terrific.
Morty: You see, he had the right idea. Hold out. That's how you get the big money, huh George? (slaps George on the shoulder)
George: Uh, please, Morty.
Morty: No, no, no. He knows how to talk to these people. No-one's gonna take advantage of Georgie. (slaps George's shoulder again)
George: I'm just happy to be working with your talented son...
Jerry: Aww...
George: ...Who's not doing this for the money.
Jerry: ...C'mon.
George: You have no idea how refreshing that is.
Jerry: So what'd we get?
George: (big smile) Eight thousand dollars.
Jerry: Beautiful!
George: (quietly) That's uh, for the two of us.
Helen: Four thousand apiece?
Jerry: Lemme see if I understand this. In other words, you held out
George: I was wrong, you were right.
Jerry: You know, the basic idea of negotiation, as I understand it, is to get your price to go... up.
George: You're smart, I'm dumb.
Jerry: You know, this is how they negotiate in the bizarro world.
Helen: That's gotta be Leo.
Jerry: (to intercom) Yeah?
Leo (O.C.): Leo.
Jerry: Alright, we're coming down.
Morty: Alright, let's get going.
Jerry: Dad, before we go, I got a little something for you.
Jerry: A present.
Morty: A present?
Morty: Hey! Look at this, a wallet. Exactly what I needed, y'see.
Jerry: C'mon, you lost your wallet, I figured I'd get you another one.
Helen: I hope you didn't spend too much on that.
Morty: I wanna tell you. This is one of the most thoughtful gifts anyone's ever given me.
Helen: He's something, you son, isn't he?
Jerry: Ah hah, alright, let's go.
Morty: You're a terrific kid.
Jerry: Okay.
George: Yeah, he's something, isn't he?
Helen: How could anybody not like you?
George: (to Jerry) You're very special.
Jerry: (pointedly) Yeah, I'm good for about four thousand dollars.
Leo: Hey, let's go! It's twelve (checks watch) uh, twelve twenty-two.
Morty: Alright, Leo.
Jerry: Hey, uncle Leo.
Leo: Hi, hi...
Jerry: How you doing?
Jerry: This is some beautiful parking spot you got here.
Leo: Yeah, I hate to give it up.
Jerry: Yeah. Hey, dad, you sure you don't need any more money?
Morty: Jerry!
Jerry: Alright, I'm just joking. Listen, have a nice trip.
Helen: (hugging Jerry) Bye bye, Jerry.
George: Bye Mrs Seinfeld, take care.
Morty: Bye bye. (hugging Jerry) Thanks again for the wallet.
George: (shaking hands with Morty) Morty, always a pleasure.
Jerry: Take care now. So long.
George: Yeah, like he was really gonna take your money.
Jerry: Oh, he took it. I put four hundred dollars in the new wallet.
George: You're kidding.
Jerry: He lost all that cash. It was the only way I could give it back to him, otherwise he wouldn't accept it.
George: Man, would I like to see the look on his face.
Morty: You believe this?
Helen: What?
Morty: (indicates the new wallet) It's velcro.
Helen: You're kidding.
Morty: Who needs this?
Morty: Leo, let's go.
Jerry: ...main difference between the women's wallet and the man's wallet, is the photo section. True? Women carry with them a photograph of every person they've ever met, every day in their whole lives, since the beginning of time. And every picture is out of date. You know what I mean? It's, "Here's my cousin, three years old. She's in the marines now." "This is my dog. He died during the Johnson administration." You know. You get stopped by a cop, no licence, no registration, (waves imaginary wallet) "Here's fifty-six people that know me." Cop goes. "Alright, ma'am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends, move it along. Routine pal check."