George: (clears throat) Maura, I, uh- I want you to know... I-I've given this a lot of thought. I'm sorry, but... we, uh, we have to break up.
Maura: No. (sips her drink)
George: (double takes) What's that?
Maura: We're not breaking up. (takes another sip)
George: (puzzled) W-we're not?
Maura: No. (hands George his cup)
George: All right (he smiles weakly at Maura)
Jerry: She said no?
George: She said no.
Jerry: What did you do?
George: What could I do?! We fooled around and went to a movie!
Jerry: George, both parties don't have to consent to a break-up. It's not like you're launching missiles from a submarine and you both have to turn your keys. Obviously, you didn't make a convincing case. Let me hear your arguments.
George: Well, I don't really like her.
Jerry: That's good.
George: I don't find her attractive.
Jerry: Solid.
George: I'd like to sleep with a LOT of other women.
Jerry: Always popular.
George: Sometimes at restaurants she talks to her food 'Ooh, Mr. Mashed Potatoes, you are sooo goood.'
Jerry: You have an airtight case!
George: And in bed-
Jerry: I'm afraid we're out of time.
Jerry: Hey.
George: What?
Jerry: Check these out. These are Jerry Lewis' old cufflinks that he actually wore in the movie "Cinderfella". I got 'em at an auction.
George: I got some cufflinks I could've loaned you.
Jerry: No, Jerry Lewis is gonna be at this Friar's Club roast I'm goin' to next week. Now I have an in to strike up a conversation with him.
George: You already have an in. You have the same first name!... (no reaction) 'Jerry'!
Jerry: Oh, that'll intrigue him.
George: Well, it worked when I met George Peppard last week.
Jerry: George Peppard has been dead for years.
George: Well, whoever he was, he knew a lot about The A-Team!
Glenn: So you would choose your last meal based on the method of execution?
Elaine: Right, right. I mean, if I was getting the chair, I'd go for something... hot and spicy, you know... Thai, maybe Mexican. Lethal injection, feels like pasta... you know, painless, don't want anything too heavy...
Glenn: So, um, why don't we get together some time?
Elaine: Oh, sure! Why don't you give me your number?
Glenn: I think it'd be better if I called you.
Elaine: Oh. OK. Maybe we could grab some lunch sometime. D-do you work around here or-?
Glenn: Mm mm... no, not really.
Elaine: So, is there anything you can tell me about yourself?
Glenn: (seductive tone) I think you're very beautiful.
Elaine: (flattered) Oh (laughs) That'll do! (laughs some more)
Jerry: What about Puddy?
Elaine: I haven't talked to him in, like, three weeks... I THINK it might be over...
Jerry: (unimpressed) So, what's this guy about?
Elaine: I don't know. He wouldn't tell me his phone number, where he worked... I'll bet he's in a relationship.
Jerry: Or he's a crime fighter safeguarding his secret identity! Elaine, you could be dating the Green Lantern!
Elaine: Which one is he?
Jerry: Green suit, power ring.
Elaine: I don't care for jewellery on men (wags her finger disapprovingly)
Kramer: Hey. It happened again. (puts box on counter) Another robbery in the building.
Jerry: So you bought a cooler?
Kramer: No, it's a strongbox to protect my irreplaceables.
Elaine: And... what would those be?
Kramer: Some taxidermy that's been in my family for generations, my Tony, my... military discharge.
Jerry: (doubtful) You were in the Army?
Kramer: Y- B-briefly. Now, I gotta find a good place to hide this key. Because if somebody finds this, they hold the key to all my possessions. (makes a clicking sound)
Elaine: Literally.
Kramer: (offended) 'Literally'? What's THAT supposed to mean? (then to Jerry, before Elaine can answer) You mind if I hide this somewhere?
Jerry: No, go ahead.
Kramer: (stuttering gibberish, gestures that they should leave) A little... privacy, uh?
Jerry: Oh, come on!
Elaine: Oh!
Kramer: Come on, Jerry, this is a security issue! (Elaine laughs) Boy, you wouldn't last a DAY in the Army.
Jerry: (walking towards door with Elaine) How long did you last? (opens door)
Kramer: Well, that's classified.
Elaine: Hey, what if he's married?
Jerry: Kramer?!
Elaine: No, the Green Lantern.
Kramer: (from inside) OK!
Jerry: So, you would date a married guy? That's so hacky.
Elaine: Well, I don't know. I may never marry. It might be the closest I get.
Kramer: (bangs arm of couch in frustration) You peeked!
Jerry: THIS is your hiding place?! (Elaine laughs)
Kramer: It was under a spoon!
George: And so, for all these reasons, we are officially broken up. (shuts book and reaches for door) Thank you, (opens door) and good night.
Maura: No, George, we're not.
George: (gestures towards book) But I proved it!
Maura: I refuse to give up on this relationship. It's like... launching missiles from a submarine. Both of us have to turn our keys.
George: Well, then, I am gonna have to ask you to turn your key.
Maura: (assertive) I'm sorry, George, I can't do that.
George: (shouting) Turn your key, Maura. Turn your key!
Elaine: So, how is a guy like you not involved?
Glenn: I might ask you the same thing.
Elaine: (in her mind) That's true, maybe he's not married.
Elaine: Oh, that is so sweet.
Elaine: (in her mind, cynical) How long do I have to hold this?
Glenn: (seeing a woman on the street) Oh, no.
Elaine: Who is it?
Glenn: Um, uh, no one, no one. (running with Elaine into an alley) Here, uh, let me show you a short cut. Come on. Come on.
Elaine: (in her mind) Married. That's it, I'm chucking the flower. (she does)
Elaine: (shouting up) Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry: Elaine, what are you doin' down there?
Elaine: You didn't hear me buzzing?
Jerry: Oh, I guess it's broken!
Elaine: Throw down your key.
Jerry: It's liable to bounce and go into a sewer.
Elaine: I'll catch it!
Jerry: You'll chicken out at the last second.
Elaine: ...Yeah, you're right. Well, will you at least keep me company until somebody comes out?
Jerry: (annoyed) All right. (after a pause) Hey, you know what's weird?
Elaine: Huh?
Jerry: I used to be able to have a huge meal and go right to sleep. But I can't anymore.
Elaine: Nodding off!... Well, I was right. He's an adulterer. And he's cheating on his wife with me!
Jerry: All right.
Jerry: Here! I'm gonna try and fix the buzzer.
Elaine: (from the street) It went in the sewer! (Jerry reacts)
Jerry: Hey...
Kramer: (re buzzer box) What are you doin'?
Jerry: (waving the key) You jammed your key in here? You shorted out my intercom!
Kramer: (grabbing the key) You just had to go lookin' for it, didn't you? See, you hate it that I have a little secret. Anything I do - oooh, oooh! - you gotta know all about it. You're so OBSESSED with me.
Jerry: I'm gonna go let Elaine in. (Kramer reaches out to stop him leaving)
Kramer: Oo, y- what are you doing with her? (Jerry ignores him and exits)
Jerry: (in the hallway, hearing the door lock behind him, turns back) Kramer!
Kramer: (from inside) Security issue!
Jerry: Oh, hey. You got in.
Elaine: Yeah, flirted with the menu guy. Here. (hands him a large stack of papers)
Jerry: (taking the menus) Oh, thanks.
Kramer: (clattering inside) That wasn't me!
Jerry: So, he's definitely married, huh?
Elaine: Uh...
Jerry: Boy, I would love to have been there when you told him off.
Jerry: Oh, come on!
Elaine: Well, he could be a superhero! You should've seen him run.
Kramer: (from inside Jerry's apartment) OK! (door opens)
Kramer: All right, Jerry. Let's see if you can get it in your head that this is not an Easter egg hunt for your childish amusement. (shuts door)
George: (from the street below Jerry's window) Jerry!
Jerry: (out of window) George, the buzzer's broken! I'll come down!
Jerry: (putting on his coat to go downstairs, he finds the key in his coat pocket) I believe this belongs to you.
Kramer: Heyyyy! (bangs the table in frustration and grabs the key)
Jerry: (opens the door for George) Where did you get that?
George: (puzzled) I bought it. (enters lobby)
Phil: (walking up to get inside after George) Thanks.
Jerry: (barring the way) I'm sorry. I-I don't know you.
Phil: What?
Jerry: There's been some robberies in the building. I-I can't let you in.
Phil: But, I live here! I ran out to buy some birdseed, and-and I forgot my key.
George: Sounds like a scam. (takes a bite from the granola bar)
Jerry: (shakes his head) I'm very sorry. (closing the door on Phil. Jerry smiles and shrugs apologetically as Phil stares at them through the glass)
George: So, I broke up with Maura. It's done. I'm out.
Jerry: Great, you're lonely and miserable again. (presses button to call elevator)
George: Feels right. (cheerfully takes another bite)
Jerry: Is that guy still there? (They are side-on to Phil who is in the background, still pressed against the glass, aghast)
George: (looking at the door) He's starin' at us.
Jerry: Don't look at him. (Phil starts to knock on the door)
Jerry: We don't hear that. (They enter the elevator)
George: Want a bite?
Jerry: Nooo, I don't. (the elevator doors shut)
George: (in his mind) I think that ginger ale at the coffee shop is just Coke and Sprite mixed together. How can I prove it? Ah! Can't, dammit. (knock at door. George goes to open it)
Maura: (cheerily) Hey, Honey. (she sweeps in, shuts the door behind her, and sits down)
George: (still by the door) What? M-Maura, what are you doin' here? I ended this relationship... twice!
Maura: George, you didn't mean that. That was just a fight.
George: Why does it always seem like I'm the only one working at this break-up?
Maura: George, I listened to your arguments, and they were rambling and flimsy. I'm not convinced. Come on, get dressed and let's get some dinner.
George: (pauses to consider this then gives in) All right. (starts heading towards bedroom)
Maura: (picking up the apple) Eww, Mr. Apple. You have a brown spot. (George freezes, shakes his head, and continues walking)
Elaine: So, this is your little... love nest? (laughs)
Glenn: It's nothing special, just a little place I keep.
Elaine: Oh.
Glenn: Ah, should I light a fire?
Elaine: Oh, that sounds... romantic.
Glenn: I'm having a little problem with the heat. Um, I got some cardboard out here. (climbing through the window)
Elaine: (in her mind, anguished) This is wrong. I should go. (There's a knock at the door)
Glenn: (leaning in) Can you get that, please?
Elaine: Oh, sure.
Woman: Where's Glenn?
Elaine: (guiltily) Ah... You're the woman from the street, and I am so sorry. You know, I'm not really a home-wrecker. I-I-I-I-I thought he was a superhero. I swear.
Woman: Lady, I'm not his wife, I'm his welfare caseworker. Is he home?
Elaine: This is his home?
Woman: Yes.
Elaine: So, he's...
Woman: (nodding) Poor. (Elaine mouths 'oo')
Glenn: (coming back through the window carrying an old chair) I think this will burn!
Jerry: So you do live here.
Phil: (sulkily) Yeah. (Jerry has an anguished expression as the elevator doors shut)
Jerry: You live on this floor?
Phil: Yeah.
Jerry: (arriving at apartment, sees Phil start to open his apartment door, only one door down from Kramer's) So you live right... there.
Phil: Yeah. (enters his apartment)
Jerry: So I guess I'll s-
Elaine: He wouldn't give me his number because he doesn't have a phone. (unwrapping a lollipop) He's not married. He's poor. (puts lollipop in her mouth)
Jerry: Is he wretchedly poor? Does he wear one of those barrels with the straps?
Elaine: He probably busted it up and burned it for heat.
Jerry: So, when are you giving Boxcar Willie his walking papers?
Elaine: How can I end it over money? I feel bad.
Jerry: Well, let's think. Have you ever dealt with the poor in any other situation?
Elaine: Yes. There was this homeless guy who used to urinate on our garbage cans.
Jerry: Good. How did you handle that?
Elaine: Well, we gave him a few bucks, and... now he goes in the alley across the street.
Jerry: Same situation. Pay him off, and you're clean.
Elaine: Well, I am NOT paying Glenn off to get out of this relationship. Wh-what am I supposed to do, just walk into his hovel, and hand him... well, how much do you think it would be?
George: (entering Monk's) Hey.
Jerry: Hey, where have you been?
George: (sitting down next to Jerry) Seeing Maura. Apparently, I was unable to break up beyond a reasonable doubt.
Elaine: If only he could have been cheating on his wife, you know, things would have been so much simpler.
George: Who's this, Blue Arrow?
Elaine: Green Lantern.
Jerry: We found out his super power was lack of money.
Elaine: (not amused) All right.
Jerry: He's invulnerable to creditors.
Elaine: (annoyed) We get it. (George is laughing)
Jerry: He's the Got-no-Green Lantern.
Elaine: Thank you. (gets up from her seat)
George: Hey, Elaine. Maybe his girlfriend is Lois Loan.
Elaine: (leaning over to George) Ooh, (fake laugh) well crafted. (exits)
George: Hey, maybe this cheating thing is what I could use to ditch Maura.
Jerry: Sure, just tell Maura you're having an affair.
George: She's like a district attorney. If it's not the truth, I'll break under the cross. I actually have to do it.
Jerry: (fidgets like he has no room with George next to him)... Could you move over there?!
George: Hey, you know, there's this secretary at work that always had a crush on me.
Jerry: Really? How come you never pursued her before?
George: She's too tanned. It's the middle of the winter, she's like a carrot.
Elaine: (coming back into Monk's) Did I leave my glasses here?
Jerry: (to Elaine, still joking) He can wipe out his checking account in a single bounce!
Elaine: (leaving again) Keep 'em! (George and Jerry savour the joke)
Kramer: Heh.
Jerry: There's a giant parrot in the hallway.
Kramer: It's Phil's.
Jerry: Who?
Kramer: Our neighbor that you... turned against. (Jerry reacts) Anyway, I told him it'd be fine with us if he wanted to let it stretch its wings out in the hallway.
Jerry: What'd ya tell him that for?
Kramer: Because since you've been playing God with the front door, I've been tryin' to smooth things out, Jerry. In fact, I was just hanging out at his place.
Jerry: Really? What's it like? Is it nicer than mine? Where does he have the couch?
Kramer: Well, I don't know, but the key problem is solved. I hid it at Phil's...
Jerry: He let you?
Kramer: No, he doesn't know. See, I hid it without tellin' him. So, uh, (starts walking towards door) Phil won't be compulsively looking for it like some people... You! (points at Jerry)
George: So, you... you say you've been in the city all winter?
Loretta: I was in Maine for a couple days. (George looks puzzled at how she's so tanned)
George: Well... (shuts door) heeere we are (puts down his coat and chuckles)
Loretta: George, I've always fantasized about jumping into bed with you.
George: (excited) Ho ho! (gestures and steps towards bedroom but Loretta walks the other way to the couch)
Loretta: But... I don't want to spoil things by sleeping with you too soon.
George: (walking back) Are you sure? 'Cause it could really help me out of a jam.
Loretta: I want to build something with you, George.
George: Oh, not more building.
Loretta: (sighs) And I won't take no for an answer. (she sits down)
George: No?
Loretta: No.
George: (after hesitating, resignedly) All right. (He sits down and smiles unconvincingly at her)
Elaine: So, uh, what are we doing in this alley, anyway?
Glenn: It's a surprise.
Elaine: (giggling) Oh.
Elaine: What are you doing? What is that?
Glenn: It's a bag of donuts.
Elaine: It's garbage.
Glenn: No, no, no, no. When they make the new ones, the old ones come out... right here.
Elaine: (has had enough) All right, that's it. (rummaging in purse, pulls out her chequebook) How do you spell your last name?
Glenn: (still looking through the garbage bag) It's a bear claw! You have no idea how rare this is.
Elaine: (writing out cheque) I'll make it out to cash. How 'bout two hundred bucks? Two-fifty?
Glenn: (eating the bear claw) Oooh!
Elaine: Make it three hundred.
Glenn: (re the bear claw) You know, Elaine, you're the bear claw in the garbage bag of my life. (breaks bear claw in half and offers her a piece)
Elaine: (touched, she takes it) Aw, Glenn.
Jerry: Hi. Is Phil here?
Phil: (from inside the apartment) Yeah, I'm here. (comes to the door. The caged parrot is visible in the background)
Jerry: Phil... hi. I-I know we got off to kind of a bad start. But your bird, which is lovely... by the way, made a mess on my door.
Phil: And?
Jerry: I thought maybe you'd clean it up, or your maid, there.
Phil: That's my wife.
Jerry: (nodding awkwardly for a moment) All right, I think we're done here. (Jerry leaves and Phil shuts the door darkly)
Jerry: (in a tuxedo) So, you're in a relationship with a woman you don't like, and you're having an affair with a woman that won't have sex with you.
George: This isn't going well.
Jerry: I cannot find my Jerry Lewis cufflinks. Without 'em, I have no in!
George: You don't need the cufflinks! You have the same name! (no reaction) 'Jerry'! (heads for door, grabbing his coat)
Jerry: Where are you goin'? Help me look!
George: (opening door) It's a big night. I'm, uh, ice skating with one, and going to a staged reading of "Godspell" with the other.
Jerry: Which is with who?
George: (shaking his head, weary) It doesn't matter. (he leaves)
Kramer: (entering Jerry's apartment, in his own tuxedo) Whoo! Boy. Yeah, you clean up nice.
Jerry: I can't go until I find my cufflinks.
Kramer: Yeah, see? I knew you would lose 'em. That's why I took 'em out of your dresser drawer and put 'em in my strongbox.
Jerry: You're a lifesaver. Would you get them, please?
Kramer: Yeah, we'll stop by Phil's, we'll pick up the key, uh?
Kramer: Hey, what's going on?
Phil: Fredo is dead. (his wife sobs)
Jerry: That strange Portuguese guy that lives next-door to the incinerator?
Phil: No! My bird. We just got back from the pet cemetery. (starts opening door)
Jerry: Oh, Phil... Mrs. Phil. I'm so sorry.
Phil: Oh, I'll bet you are! They told us he was poisoned! Something in his food.
Jerry: But I, I didn't, I-
Jerry: Kramer, they think I killed Fredo! (Kramer gestures sympathetically) And who buries a bird?
Kramer: Yeah. Just give it to the Portuguese guy, and he... puts it in the incinerator.
Jerry: Just get the key and let's get out of here.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah. (goes to Phil's door) You know, it's a... it's a funny thing about that bird dying. I hid the key in Fredo's food dish. Whoo! That's a weeeird coincidence.
Jerry: Kramer!? (grabbing Kramer's arm roughly, pulling him back as he's about to knock)
Kramer: What?
Jerry: You killed Fredo!
Kramer: (high-pitched) Well, Fredo was weak and stupid! He shouldn't have eaten that key!
Jerry: Kramer, I need those cufflinks, but now they're in the box, and the key is in the bird... What are we gonna do?
Kramer: You just answered your own question.
Jerry: (frowning in realization) Oh, no!
Kramer: (nodding) I'll get the shovel. (walks towards his apartment, as Jerry grimaces at the prospect)
George: The, uh, actor that played Jesus made some odd choices.
Loretta: (shaking head, confused) What?
George: I mean, uh... I had fun ice skating.
Loretta: Oh. (she smiles, reassured, and nods)
Maura: George?
George: Maura. (starts acting dramatically, looking from Maura to Loretta and back again) Oh, my God! What are you doing here?!
Maura: You told me to meet you here for lunch.
George: (standing up, still acting) Uhh! I'm caught in my own web of lies! (holds his hands up in surrender)
Maura: (calmly ignoring George) I'm Maura. (shaking Loretta's hand and smiling)
Loretta: (to Maura, also friendly) I'm Loretta. You want to join us? (Maura nods and sits down next to her)
George: (laughs hysterically, gesticulating wildly) This is all blowing up in my face! My serious girlfriend, and my torrid love affair have accidentally crossed paths. I have ruined three lives... (grabbing coat) Well, I understand if you never want to see me again, so... (points towards door)
Maura: George, what we have is too important. We can work through this.
Loretta: So can we.
George: (astounded) What? So, this is still not over?
Maura: No.
George: You?
Loretta: No.
George: All right. (throws his coat back down on the seat and sits down opposite them)
Glenn: Elaine, wow, a TV, a stereo?
Elaine: Yeah, and I got you a cord of wood, so you won't have to burn 'em.
Glenn: Oh, my God, Alison. You're home early.
Elaine: Who is this?
Alison: (arms crossed, angry) His wife.
Elaine: You're... poor AND married?
Glenn: Looks like it.
Alison: Who the hell are you?
Elaine: I guess I'm... Lois Loan.
Jerry: Kramer, I can't believe we're grave robbers.
Kramer: (reading a tombstone) 'Man's best friend'. Jerry, I want something like that on my tombstone.
Jerry: (seeing Fredo's tombstone) Oh, my God. Here he is. I don't want to dig him up! (hands the shovel to Kramer)
Kramer: (sighs) All right, then you're the one getting the key out of him.
Jerry: (grimaces and takes the shovel back) I'll dig.
Kramer: Listen, I heard that Lassie #3 is buried around here. I'm gonna go check it out.
Jerry: (hitting metal with the first strike of the shovel) Well, that was easy.
Phil: All right, Honey, one last look, then you have to let Fredo rest in peace.
Jerry: (with a wild expression) Hey, Kramer! I dug Fredo up, now let's cut him open!
Phil: (horrified) Oh, my God!
Jerry: (after a very awkward pause, cheerily) Hey, neighbor.
George: All right. I'm gonna try givin' them fifty-five dollars each... (to Elaine) What do you think?
Elaine: Give me forty, you'll never see me again.
Elaine: (to Jerry) So, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna live here, or are you gonna move out, or what?
Jerry: (still in tuxedo, tie undone) Ah, I'll just take the fire escape to get in and out of the building.
George: So, what's in the cooler? (flips open the lid)
Kramer: Oh. Well, would you look at that. (puts a gun-shaped hand to his head and goes 'Pop') I guess I forgot to lock it.
Jerry: You mean it was open? We desecrated a pet cemetery for nothing?
Kramer: Well, this is one for the books, huh, Jerry?... Reeeally one for the books!


George: When are they gonna learn that any news about China is an instant page-turner? (seeing Jerry with a small black device) What's that?
Jerry: It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm goin' to Florida for his birthday.
George: How much was it?
Jerry: Two hundred. But I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift. He gets excited about the deal.
George: Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars?
Jerry: Ah, I'll tell him I got it on the street, and maybe it's hot. That's his favorite.
George: I got a message from the Rosses at work today.
Jerry: Susan's parents? When's the last time you talked to them?
George: At the funeral, give or take. You know, deep down, I always kinda felt that they blamed me for Susan's death.
Jerry: Why, because you picked out the poision envelopes? That's silly.
Elaine: (entering Monk's with her boyfriend) Oh, um... Darryl. These are... people I know. Jerry, George.
Darryl: Nice meeting you. Ah, I gotta run, Elaine. I'll see you later.
Elaine: OK.
Jerry: Still no Puddy?
Elaine: Uh, I think his answering machine's broken, so I just gave up. Well, what do you think?
Jerry: What? About you datin' a black guy? What's the big deal?
Elaine: What black guy?
Jerry: Darryl. He's black, isn't he?
Elaine: He is?
George: No, he isn't.
Jerry: Isn't he, Elaine?
Elaine: You think?
George: I thought he looked Irish.
Jerry: What's his last name?
Elaine: Nelson.
George: That's not Irish.
Jerry: I think he's black.
George: Should we be talkin' about this?
Elaine: I think it's OK.
George: No, it isn't.
Jerry: Why not?
George: Well, it would be OK if Darryl was here.
Jerry: If he's black.
Elaine: Is he black?
Jerry: Does it matter?
Elaine: No, course not. I mean, I'd just like to know.
Jerry: Oh, so you need to know?
Elaine: No, I don't need to know. I just think it would be nice if I knew.
Waitress: Should I take that?
Jerry: (getting out his wallet) Uh, one second.
Elaine: (looking in her purse) Oh, here.
George: (pulling out some money) Uh, yeah. Hang on. Just... yeah.
George: (on the phone) Uh, Mrs. Ross? It's-it's George.
Mrs. Ross: Uh, who?
George: George Costanza. Susan's, uh, friend? Long time no speak.
Mr. Ross: (walking by Mrs. Ross) We're all out of lime juice. I told that woman to buy more.
Mrs. Ross: Uh, George, the Susan Ross Foundation is having an event this weekend.
George: Oh, I just, uh, leased a house out in the Hamptons, and I have got to get out there this weekend and sign the papers.
Mr. Ross: (again walking by) I'm goin' back to bed.
Mrs. Ross: Thank you for calling, George.
George: Oh, sure. I mean, after all, you were almost my, uh... OK, I gotta go.
Jerry: House in the Hamptons?
George: Well, you know, I've been lyin' about my income for a few years. I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.
Kramer: (enters) Well.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Well, grab a cigar, boys. Yeah. It's time to celebrate.
Jerry: Wow. What are we celebrating?
Kramer: Uh, you remember my coffee table book?
Jerry: With the little legs?
Kramer: That's the one. A big Hollywood so-and-so optioned it for a movie.
George: How are they gonna make that book into a movie?
Kramer: You remember that photo book on toy ray guns?
George: Yeah?
Kramer: Independence Day?
George: Oh.
Jerry: How much are they payin' you?
Kramer: Let's just say that I don't have to worry about working for a while. A long while.
Jerry: That's funny because I haven't seen you working for a while. A long while.
Kramer: Yeah, and you're not going to, because I'm hanging it up. Boys, I'm retiring.
Jerry: From what?
Kramer: From the grind. I mean, who needs it? I mean, I've accomplished everything I've set out to do.
Jerry: (seeing that Kramer has a new watch) What's that?
Kramer: Oh, I bought myself a little retirement gift. Gold watch.
Jerry & George: Ooh!
Kramer: Well, it's not really gold.
Jerry & George: Aww.
Elaine: (as Darryl opens his door) Hey.
Darryl: Hey.
Elaine: Great music.
Darryl: Oh, it's my neighbor. They blast that stuff twenty four hours a day. I hate it.
Darryl: Yo, you! Turn it down!
Elaine: Oh, wow, these are nice. Do they have any cultural significance?
Darryl: They're... African.
Elaine: Right. African.
Darryl: Well, not Africa, actually. South Africa.
Elaine: South Africa.
Darryl: My family used to live there, but, uh, we got out years ago, for obvious reasons. You know how it is.
Elaine: Maybe.
George: (to a street vender selling hot dogs) You must hate hot dogs, huh? Or else, you, uh, you really like 'em and that's why you, you do this.
George: I'll tell ya, if I had one of these things, I'd be eatin' hot dogs all the time.
Vender: Are you gonna buy a hot dog or not?
George: Mmm... no.
Morty: (Jerry comes out of his room, having just woken up) Rise and shine, sleepy head! Ha ha!
Jerry: It's 530 in the morning!
Helen: We let you sleep in.
Jerry: (handing his dad a gift) Well, as long as I'm up. Dad, I got you a birthday present. Here. Happy Birthday.
Morty: Aw, Jerry. I should be buyin' you presents.
Jerry: What does that mean?
Helen: Leave your father alone. It's his birthday.
Morty: Oooh! Heh heh! It's a radar detector.
Jerry: Radar detector? I've never seen you go over twenty miles an hour. You're like the Grand Marshall of the Rose Bowl Parade. It's a Wizard organizer.
Morty: This looks like too much money.
Jerry: Nah, I got it from a guy on the street. It was, like, fifty bucks.
Morty: You think it's hot?
Jerry: Could be.
Morty: Attaboy! Helen, Jerry got me a hot Wizard computer!
Helen: I'm right here.
Jerry: And you can do everything with it. You can get e-mail, fax, there's a calculator.
Morty: So, I can use it in the restaurant to figure out the tip?
Jerry: Yeah, I guess. But the really cool thing is the daily planner.
Morty: Helen, we got into restaurants and figure out the tips.
Helen: Jerry, you're getting your father too excited.
Kramer: (entering the condo, and going to the fridge as if he's a neighbor) Hey, buddy. When'd you get here?
Jerry: Kramer, what are you doing here?
Kramer: I told you I was retiring. I moved in next door.
Helen: Mr. Kornstein died, and it's a beautiful apartment.
Kramer: Yeah, your, uh, folks said it was for rent, so I jumped on it.
Jerry: Kramer, you can't live down here. This is where people come to die.
Jerry: (getting looks from his parents) Not you. Older people.
Helen: Don't eat cookies for breakfast! I'll fix you something. How 'bout a feta cheese omelette?
Kramer: Mmmm, that sounds great, Mom.
Jerry: If you feed him, he'll never leave.
Helen: We don't have any feta. How about cottage cheese and Egg Beaters?
Kramer: (immaturely) I guess.
Jerry: I can't believe this.
Kramer: I know, I know. Don't I look more relaxed?
Elaine: So, George, do you have any thoughts on this Darryl situation?
George: Actually, I did have a thought.
Elaine: Oh.
George: Why don't you just ask him?
Elaine: (rudely and giving him a 'duh' look) Because, if I ask him, then it's like I really want to know.
George: Maybe he's, um... mixed.
Elaine: Is that the right word?
George: I really don't think we're supposed to be talkin' about this.
Elaine: Yeah.
George: (standing up) I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.
Elaine: (starting to leave) You know what, I'm leavin'.
George: Yeah.
Elaine: I'll just talk to Jerry when he gets back. (seeing the Rosses entering Monk's) Oh. Mrs. Ross, Mr. Ross.
Mrs. Ross: Oh, you're George's friend.
Mr. Ross: We saw him in the city this weekend. Uh, what happened to his place in the Hamptons?
Elaine: (laughing uproariously) The Hamptons? George Costanza? I, uh... I don't think so. Have a good one.
George: Rosses.
Mr. Ross: George, we were just talking about you.
George: Well, sorry I missed that, uh, charity thing. But this was one of those truly glorious Hampton weekends that you always hear about.
Mrs. Ross: Really?
George: Yeah, I may move out there. (getting 'yeah, right' glances from the Rosses) I mean it, I'll do it! OK, I'll see ya later. Keep it real!
Morty: (eating lunch with Helen and Jerry) Another fine meal, and now for my Wizard tip calculator.
Jerry: Dad, it's got lots of other functions.
Morty: Don't worry. I'll get to the other functions. (trying to open it) I can't get it open.
Helen: Yay! Jerry got it open.
Morty: The service was slow. And God forbid they should refill the water. How does 12.4% sound?
Jerry: (looking at the Wizard) Well, your tip is four dollars and thirty-six point six six six six cents.
Morty: We'll round down.
Helen: Jerry, it was so nice of you to come down here on your father's birthday. You've helped take his mind off the condo elections.
Jerry: Oh, right. You can't run for condo president because you were impeached at the other condo.
Morty: I was never impeached! I resigned!
Helen: Even so, the press would bury him!
Jerry: What press?
Helen: The condo newsletter, the Boca Breeze.
Morty: Pinko Commie rag.
Old Man: (coming up to the three Seinfelds) Hey, Morty. Your boy here, he just got a date with that young aquacise instructor.
Jerry: She's fifty.
Old Man: You know what he's got? He's got charisma. That's my man.
Kramer: All right, I'll see you guys.
Old Man: Yeah.
Kramer: Yeah.
Kramer: (taping Morty's glasses) Morty, what're you lookin' at?
Morty: I'll tell you what I'm looking at the next condo president of Del Boca Vista, Phase Three.
Kramer: Hmm.
Darryl: Elaine, thank you for the Wizard!
Darryl: Wow, it's got so many functions.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah. Forget about all that. First thing is first. Warranty information. Name, we know that. Uh, hobbies. Skiing, racquetball...
Darryl: Well, I don't do that stuff.
Elaine: It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. Um. Oh, here's one race.
Darryl: Isn't that optional?
Elaine: It certainly should be. It's nobody's damn business! But they really would like to know.
Darryl: All right, I'm... Asian.
Elaine: What?
Darryl: Just to mess with 'em.
Elaine: laughing awkwardly Oh. Right. Good one.
Darryl: Average income, uh... over a hundred thousand.
Elaine: Really?
Darryl: Does that matter?
Elaine: No, but... it is very nice to know.
Jerry: (in his parent's condo, on the phone with Elaine) So did you figure out Darryl's... you know.
Elaine: (in Jerry's apartment) Ah, I've given up. So, now we're going to a bunch of Spanish restaurants. I figure that'll cover us either way.
Jerry: (as Kramer walks by) You're a master of race relations.
Elaine: Hey, so Kramer's running for president of the condo?
Jerry: Yeah, it's all my father's doing.
Jerry: He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes. Preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse.
Elaine: Oh, heh heh heh. Who are they running against?
Jerry: Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.
George: (entering Jerry's apartment) Jerry?
Elaine: (to George) He's still down with his folks.
George: (to Elaine) What are you doin' here?
Jerry: (overhearing the other two Elaine, Elaine-
Elaine: (to George) I'm gettin' his mail.
Jerry: (overhearing the other two) Oh, no.
George: (to Elaine) He asked you to get the mail?
Elaine: (to George) Mm-hmm.
George: (taking the phone from Elaine) Jerry, why is Elaine getting your mail?
Jerry: George, listen to me. I have a very important job for you. I want you to come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't dry out and leak.
Elaine: (trying to understand what they're talking about) What?
George: What about the mail?
Jerry: This is far more important. You must exercise the gaskets, George.
George: (hanging up) All right, Jerry. I'll do it. See ya.
George: So, I ran into the Rosses again.
Elaine: Oh, right, at the coffee shop. Where did they get the idea that you have a place in the Hamptons?
George: From me.
Elaine: What did you say?
George: I told them I have a place in the Hamptons. What did you say?
Elaine: I told them you didn't. And I laughed and I laughed.
George: So, they knew? Those liars!
Elaine: But you lied first.
George: Yeah, but they let me go on and on all about the Hamptons, they never said a thing! You don't let somebody lie when they know you're lying. You call them a liar!
Elaine: Like you're a liar!
George: Yes. Thank you! Is that so hard?
Elaine: So, this is over, not over? I'm bettin', not over.
George: Hmm-hmm, not by a long shot. I'm calling up the Rosses and inviting them up to my non-existent place in the Hamptons. Then we'll see who blinks first.
Elaine: Haven't you done enough to these people?
George: This is not about them. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to exercise Jerry's gaskets.
Kramer: (to a room) Vote for Kramer. (to a man walking by) Cosmo Kramer. I'm running for condo president. I'd like your vote. Thanks. (to an old woman) Remember, ma'am, a vote for me, is a vote for Kramer.
Old Woman: Will you cut my meat?
Kramer: Gladly.
Waitress: (to Darryl) Coffee?
Darryl: Sure.
Waitress: (to Darryl) Are you black? Or should I bring some cream.
Darryl: I'm black. (re-thinking) Oh, you know what? Bring a little cream. (seeing a couple gesturing towards him and Elaine) Did you hear that?
Elaine: What?
Darryl: God, there are still people who have trouble with an interracial couple.
Elaine: Interracial? Us?
Darryl: Isn't that unbelievable!?
Elaine: Yes, it's awful! They're upset because we're an interracial couple. That is racism!
Darryl: I don't feel like eating.
Elaine: Me neither. Well, maybe this turkey club.
George: So... here I am. Ready to take you to the Hamptons.
Mrs. Ross: Sounds grand.
George: Do you have your bathing suits?
Mr. Ross: It's March.
George: Speak now, or we are headed to the Hamptons. It's a two-hour drive. Once you get in that car, we are going all the way... to the Hamptons. All right, you wanna get nuts? Come on. Let's get nuts!
Jerry: (in his parent's condo, to his father, who's in another room) Hey, Dad. You know you can program this thing to beep every time you need to take a vitamin. (as Kramer comes walking out in a retirement-like athletic sweatsuit) Dad, you look so different.
Kramer: Oh, no. We're campaigning, Jerry. To rule the people, one... must walk among them.
Morty: (coming into the hall) This is the home stretch. Tomorrow's the election!
Kramer: Right. Yeah. The polls close after dinner, three o'clock. But then when we win, the celebration goes all night until the break of eight p.m.
Jerry: You know, you can put that whole schedule right in your daily planner.
Morty: Daily what?
Helen: (coming into the condo) Have you read today's Boca Breeze?
Kramer: (looking at the newsletter) Hey, look at that. Picture of me, huh? (reading out loud) Candidate Cosmo Kramer caught barefoot in clubhouse.
Morty: Barefoot in the clubhouse? Don't you realize this is against the rules.
Kramer: Well, I couldn't find my shoes.
Jerry: Kramer, these people work and wait their whole lives to move down here, sit in the heat, pretend it's not hot, and enforce these rules.
Helen: Who wants hot chocolate?
Kramer: Oh, yeah! Me.
Morty: This is a huge scandal! We need damage control.
Kramer: All right, look. People seem to like those tip calculators, huh?
Jerry: Wizards!
Kramer: Yeah, well, how 'bout if we give one out to every member on the condo board.
Jerry: Kramer...
Morty: There are twenty people on the board. Thank God you can get that deal.
Kramer: Payoffs. Now we're playin' politics. All right, what do we next, Morty, huh? Wiretaps, slush funds?
Morty: (rushing to his bedroom) First, I need a nap.
Helen: (running after him) Oh, I'll get your electric blanket!
Jerry: Kramer, I can't get that many Wizards.
Kramer: Well, what about your deal, huh?
Jerry: I didn't have a deal! They're two hundred dollars a pop. What do I do?
Kramer: Well, don't worry about it. I know a guy.
Jerry: Down here?
Kramer: Yeah, Bob Saccamano's father.
Mrs. Ross: Tell us more.
George: You want to hear more? The master bedroom opens into the solarium.
Mr. Ross: Another solarium?
George: Yes, two solariums. Quite a find. And I have horses, too?
Mr. Ross: What are their names?
George: Snoopy and Prickly Pete. Should I keep driving?
Mrs. Ross: Oh, look, an antique stand. Pull over. We'll buy you a housewarming gift.
George: (chuckling to himself) Housewarming gift. (swerving the car to go to the antique stand) All right, we're taking it up a notch!
Waitress: (handing Elaine a menu) Here you go.
Elaine: (to the black waitress) Long day?
Waitress: Yeah, I just worked a triple shift.
Elaine: I hear ya, Sister.
Waitress: Sister?
Elaine: (as Darryl comes into Monk's) Yeah. It's OK. My boyfriend's black. Here he is. See?
Darryl: Hi, Elaine.
Elaine: Hey.
Waitress: He's black?
Elaine: Yeah.
Darryl: I'm black?
Elaine: Aren't you?
Waitress: (leaving) I'll give you a couple minutes to decide.
Darryl: What are you talking about?
Elaine: You're black. You said we were an interracial couple.
Darryl: We are. Because you're Hispanic.
Elaine: I am?
Darryl: Aren't you?
Elaine: No. Why would you think that?
Darryl: Your name's Benes, your hair, and you kept taking me to those Spanish restaurants.
Elaine: That's because I thought you were black.
Darryl: Why would you take me to a Spanish restaurant because I'm black?
Elaine: I don't think we should be talking about this.
Darryl: So, what are you?
Elaine: I'm white.
Darryl: So, we're just a couple of white people?
Elaine: I guess.
Darryl: Oh.
Elaine: Yeah. So do you want to go to the Gap?
Darryl: (leaving with Elaine) Sure.
Kramer: (having lunch with Jerry and his parents) Oh, well... I handed out all the Wizards. Polls close in one hour. Whoo hoo hoo! I think we've got this baby all sewn up, huh? Oh, uh, there was an extra one. Norman Burgerman, he won't be leavin' any tips where he is.
Jerry: Aw.
Morty: Congratulations, Mr. President.
Kramer: Congratulations, Mr. Puppet Master.
Old Man: Hey, Morty, what's wrong with these tip calculators?
Morty: What are you talking about?
Old Man: It's overtipping. I just left five bucks for a BLT.
Morty: This isn't a Wizard, it's a Willard.
Jerry: A Willard? Saccamano, Sr. screwed me!
Old Man #2: Mine doesn't have a seven!
Old Man #3: I'm ruined!
Morty: Jerry, why didn't you get them Wizards?
Jerry: Because a real Wizard's two hundred dollars.
Morty: You didn't have a deal?
Jerry: No deal. Not hot.
Old Man: Morty, you, and Kramer, you're finished.
Kramer: What?
Old Man: Everyone vote for the guy in the wheelchair.
Kramer: (getting up to leave) Well, the people have spoken. Well, that's it for me. I'm, I'm headin' back to New York.
Jerry: Dad, I'm sorry.
Morty: You should be! How could you spend two hundred dollars on a tip calculator?!
Jerry: It does other things!
Mr. Ross: Where are we, George?
George: Almost there.
Mr. Ross: Well, this is the end of Long Island. Where's your house?
George: We, uh, we go on foot from here.
Mr. Ross: All right.
George: There's no house! It's a lie! There's no solarium. There's no Prickly Pete. There's no other solarium.
Mr. Ross: We know.
George: Then, why? Why did you make me drive all the way out here? Why didn't you say something? Why? Why? Why?
Mrs. Ross: We don't like you, George.
Mr. Ross: And we always blamed you for what happened to Susan.
George: Oh.
Mr. Ross: All right! Let's head back.


Puddy: Alright, be careful with the car, babe.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah.
Puddy: And don't move the seat, I got it right where I like it.
Elaine: Goodbye?
Puddy: Two and ten, babe.
Elaine: Okay.
Puddy: Don't peel out.
Elaine: I won't.
(Elaine Peels Out And Turns On The Car Stereo. She Hears: "Jesus is one, Jesus is all, Jesus picks me up when I fall..." Elaine changes the stations but all of the presets are set to religious radio stations; "And he said unto Abraham...", "Amen! Amen!", "So we pray...", "Saved!", "Jey-sus!" She turns off the radio.)
Elaine: Jesus?
Kruger: According to our latest quarterly thing,Kruger Industrial Smoothing is heading into the red. Or the black, or whatever the bad one is. Any thoughts?
George: Well, I know when I'm a little strapped, I sometimes drop off my rent check having forgotten to sign it. That could buy us some time.
Kruger: Works for me. Good thinking, George.
Co-Worker #1: Alright, George.
Co-Worker #2: Way to go man.
George: Or we don't even send the check and then when they call, we pretend we're the cleaning service. Heh heh. "Hello? I sorry, no here Kruger."
Kruger: Are you done? Silly voices, c'mon people, let's get real.
Co-Worker #1: Good one.
Co-Worker #2: That was bad.
George: I had 'em, Jerry. They loved me.
Jerry: And then?
George: I lost them. I can usually come up with one good comment during a meeting but by the end it's buried under a pile of gaffs and bad puns.
Jerry: Showmanship, George. When you hit that high note, you say goodnight and walk off.
George: I can't just leave.
Jerry: That's the way they do it in Vegas.
George: You never played Vegas.
Jerry: I hear things.
Elaine: Here's one. I borrowed Puddy's car and all the presets on his radio were Christian rock stations.
George: I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those real musicians who think they're so cool and hip.
Elaine: So, you think that Puddy actually believes in something?
Jerry: It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets.
Elaine: Yes, he is lazy.
Jerry: Plus he probably doesn't even know how to program the buttons.
Elaine: Yes, he is dumb.
Jerry: So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious?
Elaine: Dumb and lazy, I understand.
George: Tell you how you could check.
Elaine: How?
George: Reprogram all the buttons, see if he changes them back. You know? The old switcheroo.
Jerry: No, no, the old switcheroo is you poison your drink then you switch it with the other person's.
George: No, it's doing the same thing to someone that they did to you.
Jerry: Yeah, Elaine's gonna do the same thing to Puddy's radio that the radio did to her.
George: Well that's the gist of it!
Elaine: Quiet! So where is this Sophie?
Jerry: Oh, she's picking me up in a few minutes.
Elaine: How long have you two been together?
Jerry: I dunno. Since the last one. Oh, here she is. You wanna meet her?
Elaine & George: Nah.
George: By the way, how did Puddy get back in the picture?
Elaine: I needed to move a bureau.
Kramer: Hey Jerry, you got any pepper?
Mickey: Hey Jerry.
Jerry: Hey Mickey. Check the pepper shaker.
Kramer: Yeah. (inhales some pepper then sneezes violently) See? It should sound like that, something like that.
Mickey: Aah-choo.
Kramer: A little wetter. See, I didn't believe it.
Jerry: What's with the fake sneezing?
Kramer: Yeah, we're going down to Mt. Sinai Hospital, See they hire actors to help the students practice diagnosing.
Mickey: They assign you a specific disease and you act out the symptoms. It's an easy gig.
Jerry: Do medical schools actually do this?
Kramer: Well the better ones. Alright, let's practice retching.
Kramer & Mickey: HUAAHHH!!
Jerry: I think the phone is ringing.
Kramer & Mickey: HUAAHHH!!
Jerry: Would you hold it a second?! Thank you, will you get out of here with that stuff?
Kramer: Mickey, DTs.
Jerry: Hello?
Sophie: Hey. It's me.
Jerry: Elaine?
Sophie: No, it's me.
Jerry: George??
Sophie: Jerry, it's Sophie. I can't believe you don't recognize my voice.
Jerry: Oh, I knew it was you, I was joking. I'm a comedian.
Kramer: You got any Ipecac?
Jerry: Ipecac? Kramer, I really think you guys are going too far with this.
Kramer: No, Mickey, he swallowed twelve aspirin.
Jerry: Did he overdose?
Kramer: No, it's just too much.
Kruger: ...And it gets worse. The team working on the statue in Lafayette Square kind of over-smoothed it. They ground the head down to about the size of a softball, and that spells trouble.
George: Alright, well why don't we smooth the head down to nothing, stick a pumpkin under its arm and change the nameplate to Ichabod Crane?
George: (getting up and leaving) Alright! That's it for me. Goodnight everybody.
Dr. Wexler: In your packet you will find the disease you have been assigned and the symptoms you will need to exhibit.
Mickey: Bacterial Meningitis. Jackpot!
Kramer: Gonorrhea? You wanna trade?
Mickey: Sorry buddy, this is the "Hamlet" of diseases. Severe pain, nausea, delusions, it's got everything.
Man: Sure.
Kramer: Okay, what do you got?
Man: The surgeon left a sponge inside me.
Kramer: Good luck with that.
George: I knew I had hit my high note so I thanked the crowd and I was gone.
Jerry: What did you do the rest of the day?
George: I saw "Titanic". So that old woman, she's just a liar, right?
Jerry: And a bit of a tramp if you ask me.
Elaine: Hello boys.
George: Hey, so, did you give that radio the old switcheroo?
Elaine: I did.
George: And the Christian rock?
Elaine: Ressurected! And look what I pried off of his bumper, a Jesus fish!
George: Jerry, do you have any fishsticks?
Jerry: No. So you're disappointed he's a spiritual person?
Elaine: Well yeah, I got him because he seemed so one-dimensional, I feel misled.
George: I think it's neat. You don't hear that much about god anymore.
Jerry: I hear things. Hey, so Sophie gave me the "It's me" on the phone today.
Elaine: "It's me?" Isn't it a little premature?
Jerry: I thought so.
Elaine: Hah. She's not a "me". I'm a "me".
George: I'm against all "it's me"s. So self-absorbed and egotistical, it's like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!
Kramer: Well, I got gonorrhea.
Elaine: That seems about right.
Kramer: That's what they gave me.
George: They? The Government?
Jerry: No, no. He's pretending he's got gonorrhea so med students can diagnose it.
Kramer: And it's a waste of my talent. It's just a little burning. Mickey, he got bacterial meningitis.
George: I guess there are no small diseases, only small actors.
George: (leaving) Alright that's it for me. Good night everybody.
Elaine: What was that?
Jerry: Showmanship, George is trying to get out on a high note.
Kramer: See, showmanship. Maybe that's what my gonorrhea is missing.
Jerry: Yes! Step into that spotlight and belt that gonorrhea out to the back row.
Kramer: Yes, yes I will! I'm gonna make people feel my gonorrhea, and feel the gonorrhea themselves.
Student #1: And are you experiencing any discomfort?
Kramer: Just a little burning during urination.
Student #1: Okay, any other pain?
Kramer: The haunting memories of lost love. May I? (signals to Mickey) Lights? (Mickey turns down the lights and Kramer lights a cigar) Our eyes met across the crowded hat store. I, a customer, and she a coquettish haberdasher. Oh, I pursued and she withdrew, then she pursued and I withdrew, and so we danced. I burned for her, much like the burning during urination that I would experience soon afterwards.
Student #1: Gonorrhea?!
Kramer: Gonorrhea!
Jerry: One message. Hope it's not from you.
Answering Machine: "Hey Jerry, it's me. Call me back."
Jerry: Sophie.
George: She's still doing that?
Jerry: Yep.
George: Alright, I'll tell you what you do. You call her back and give her the "it's me", heh? Pull the old switcheroo.
Jerry: I think that's a "what's good for the goose is good for the gander".
George: What the hell is a gander, anyway?
Jerry: (picking up the phone and dialing) It's a goose that's had the old switcheroo pulled on it. Hi Sophie, it's me.
Sophie: Hey Raef.
Jerry: (to George) She thinks it's someone named Raef.
George: Good, let her think it.
Jerry: (into the phone, with a disguised voice) So, what's going on?
Sophie: Not a lot.
George: Ask about you, ask about you.
Jerry: So, uh, how are things with Jerry?
Sophie: Oh, I really like him but, well, I still haven't told him the tractor story.
Jerry: Right, right, the tractor story.
Sophie: Are you sick, Raef? You sound kinda funny.
Jerry: I sound funny?
George: Abort! Abort!
Jerry: Yeah I better get to a doctor, bye. (Hangs up) That was close! What drives me to take chances like that?
George: That was very real.
Jerry: She said there's some tractor story that she hasn't told me about.
George: Woah, back it up, back it up. Beep, beep, beep. Tractor story?
Jerry: Beep, beep, beep? What are you doing?
Elaine: So where do you wanna eat?
Puddy: Feels like an Arby's night.
Elaine: Arby's. Beef and cheese and do you believe in god?
Puddy: Yes.
Elaine: Oh. So, you're pretty religious?
Puddy: That's right.
Elaine: So is it a problem that I'm not really religious?
Puddy: Not for me.
Elaine: Why not?
Puddy: I'm not the one going to hell.
George: You know what I think? I bet she stole a tractor.
Jerry: No one's stealing a tractor, it's a five-mile-an-hour getaway. We're dancing around the obvious, it's gotta be disfigurement.
George: Does she walk around holding a pen she never seems to need?
Jerry: No, she looks completely normal.
George: Oh. Okay, here it is, I got it. She lost her thumbs in a tractor accident and they grafted her big toes on. They do it every day.
Jerry: You think she's got toes for thumbs?
George: How's her handshake? A little firm, isn't it? Maybe a little too firm?
Jerry: I don't know.
George: Hands a little smelly?
Jerry: Why do I seek your counsel?
Elaine: Well I'm going to hell.
Jerry: That seems about right.
Elaine: According to Puddy.
Jerry: Hey, have you heard the one about the guy in hell with the coffee and the doughtnuts and-
Elaine: I'm not in the mood.
George: (To a passing waitress) I'll have some coffee and a doughnut.
Jerry: What do you care? You don't believe in hell.
Elaine: I know, but he does.
Jerry: So it's more of a relationship problem than the final destination of your soul.
Elaine: Well, relationships are very important to me.
Jerry: Maybe you can strike one up with the prince of darkness as you burn for all eternity.
George: (to the waitress bringing his doughnut) And a slice of devil's food cake.
George: Hey. Where is everyone?
Kruger: They're all off the project. They were boring. George, you are my main man.
George: I am?
Kruger: I don't know what it is, I can't put my finger on it, but lately you have just seemed 'on'. And you always leave me wanting more.
George: This is a huge project involving lots of numbers and papers and folders.
Kruger: Ah, I'm not too worried about it. Let's get started.
George: Okay.
Kruger: George? Check it out. (He begins to spin around in his chair) Three times around, no feet.
George: And?
Kruger: All me.
Dr. Wexler: Alright, and here are you ailments for this week. By the way, Mr. Kramer, you were excellent.
Kramer: Oh, thank you.
Mickey: Cirrhosis of the liver with jaundice! Alright I get to wear make-up! What did you get?
Kramer: Gonorrhea? Excuse me, I think there's been a mistake, see, I had gonorrhea last week.
Dr. Wexler: Oh, it's no mistake. We loved what you did with it.
Kramer: I don't believe this, I'm being typecast.
Sophie: I move my knight... here. Check.
Jerry: They should update these pieces, nobody rides horses anymore. Maybe they should change it to a tractor.
Sophie: Jerry, are you embarrassed that you're losing?
Jerry: Losing? You know, yesterday I lost control of my car, almost bought the farm.
Sophie: Bought the farm?
Jerry: Tractor!
Sophie: This is an odd side of you, Jerry. I feel uncomfortable.
Jerry: Wait, don't go. Let's thumb wrestle.
George: A scar?
Jerry: A big long scar where her leg would dangle when she's riding a...?
George: A tractor.
Jerry: I'm sure she's a little self-conscious and doesn't like to talk about it.
George: I don't see why's she more self-conscious about that than her toe thumbs.
Jerry: She doesn't have toe thumbs.
George: Well, if she keeps horsing around with that tractor-
Jerry: Alright. So how's the two-man operation at Kruger?
George: Two-man? It's all me. Kruger doesn't do anything; Disappears for hours at a time, gives me fake excuses. This afternoon I found him with sleep creases on his face. The only reason I got out to get a bite today was that he finally promised to buckle down and do some actual work. (turning around, George sees Mr. Kruger at a booth eating a piece of cake) Oh, I don't believe this. This is what I have to put up with, Jerry. (He walks over) Mr. Kruger? Who said he was going to do some actual work today? Who?
Kruger: I'm not too worried about it.
George: Well I am. Couldn't you try to go through some of that stuff I put in your shoebox?
Kruger: Alright, alright I'm going.
George: (to Jerry) Huh-ho! Have you ever seen anything like this?
Jerry: Never.
Puddy: Elaine, they forgot to deliver your paper today. Why don't you just grab that one.
Elaine: 'Cause that belongs to Mr. Potato Guy, that's his.
Puddy: C'mon, get it.
Elaine: Well if you want it, you get it.
Puddy: Sorry, thou shalt not steal.
Elaine: Oh, but it's ok for me?
Puddy: What do you care, you know where you're going.
Elaine: Alright, that is it! I can't live like this.
Puddy: Nah.
Elaine: C'mon.
Puddy: Alright, what did I do?
Elaine: David, I'm going to hell! The worst place in the world! With devils and those caves and the ragged clothing! And the heat! My god, the heat! I mean, what do you think about all that?
Puddy: Gonna be rough.
Elaine: Uh, you should be trying to save me!
Puddy: Don't boss me! This is why you're going to hell.
Elaine: I am not going to hell and if you think I'm going to hell, you should care that I'm going to hell even though I am not.
Puddy: You stole my Jesus fish, didn't you?
Elaine: Yeah, that's right!
Mickey: Oh, my liver! Why did I drink all those years? Why did I look for love in a bottle?
Dr. Wexler: Mr. Kramer? You're up.
Mickey: Wait a minute. You are doing gonorrhea, aren't you?
Kramer: Well, we'll see.
Student #2: So, what seems to be bothering you today, Mr. Kramer?
Kramer: (pulling a liquor bottle from his jacket pocket) Well, I guess it started about twenty years ago when I got back from Viet Nam, and this was the only friend I had left.
Mickey: Hey! That's my cirrhosis! He's stealing my cirrhosis! (he jumps Kramer) You wanna be sick? I'll make you sick.
Student #2: Cirrhosis of the liver and PCP addiction?
Father Curtis: Let me see if I understand this. You're concerned that he isn't concerned that you're going to hell. And you feel that she's too bossy.
Elaine & Puddy: Yeah, that's right.
Father Curtis: Well, oftentimes in cases of inter-faith marriages, couples have difficulty-
Father Curtis: You aren't?
Puddy: No.
Elaine: We're just, you know, having a good time.
Father Curtis: Oh, well then it's simple. You're both going to hell.
Puddy: No way, this is bogus, man!
Elaine: Well, thank you father.
Father Curtis: Oh, did you hear the one about the new guy in hell who's talkng to the devil by the coffee machine?
Puddy: I'm really not in the mood, I'm going to hell.
Elaine: Oh, lighten up. It'll only feel like an eternity.
Sophie: You know, Jerry, there's this thing that I haven't told you about. See, there was this tractor and, oh boy, this is really difficult.
Jerry: Sophie, it's me. I know about the tractor story and I'm fine with it.
Sophie: How could you know?
Jerry: (putting his finger to Sophie's lips, then to his own, then back to Sopie's) Shh. Shh. Shh. It's not important. What's important is I'm not gonna let a little thing like that ruin what could be a very long-term and meaningful relationship.
Kramer: ...I didn't say that, no.
Mickey: You gave me gonorrhea, you didn't even tell me!
Kramer: Well, I'm sorry. I gave you gonorrhea because I thought you'd have fun with it.
Jerry: Hey, hey! I'm with someone.
Kramer: Oh. Hello.
Sophie: No, I understand. This could be a tough thing to deal with. The important thing is that you have a partner who's supportive.
Kramer: (to Mickey) You know? She's right.
Sophie: Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor.
Jerry: You got gonorrhea from a tractor?? And you call *that* your tractor story??
Kramer: You can't get it from that.
Sophie: But I did. My boyfriend said I got gonorrhea from riding the tractor in my bathing suit.
Jerry: (walking out) Alright, that's it for me. You've been great. Goodnight everybody.
George: Would you mind helping me out with some of this stuff?!?
Kruger: You seem like you've got a pretty good handle on it.
George: No! I don't! Don't you even care? This is your company! It's your name on the outside of the building! Speaking of which, the 'R' fell off and all it says now is K-uger!
Kruger: K-uger, that sounds like one of those old-time car horns, huh? K-uger! K-uger!
George: Huh-ho! Oh! You are too much, Mr. Kruger! Too much!
Kruger: (getting up to leave) Thank you George, you've been great. That's it for me.
George: Oh no, you're not going out on a high note with me Mr. Kruger!
Kruger: It's K-uger!
George: No! No!
Kruger: Goodnight everybody!
Dedication: In memory of our friend, Lloyd Bridges.


[Setting: Bookstore]
George: I read somewhere that this Brentano's is the place to meet girls in New York.
Jerry: First it was the health club, then the supermarket, now the bookstore. They could put it anywhere they want, no one's meetin' anybody.
Kramer: Jerry, look at all these pagodas, huh? I gotta get over to Hong Kong before it all goes back to China..
Jerry: (Sarcastic) You better hurry.
George: I'm gonna hit the head.
Kramer: Oh, boy, look at this. Hong Kong's outlawed the rickshaw. See, I always thought those would be perfect for New York.
Jerry: (Sarcastic) Yes. The city needs more slow-moving wicker vehicles.
Kramer: Hmm, Elaine's been to Hong Kong. I should give her a call.
Jerry: She's at that annual Peterman party tonight. You know the one she danced at last year?
Kramer: (Remembering) No, that wasn't dancing.
Jerry: (Pointing) Hey, there's Leo.
Kramer: Oh? Who's Leo?
Jerry: Uncle Leo.
Kramer: Oh, yeah. Right. Uncle, Leo. Forgot his first name..
Jerry: Did I just see that?!
Kramer: (To Jerry) Well, that ougta keep you busy for a few days, huh?
[Setting: The Annual Peterman Party]
Walter: (Joking around with her) So, Elaine.. are you going to dance this year?
Elaine: Maybe.. All over your face!
Waiter: If you do dance, the cooks want to know - so they can be brought out of the kitchen. They missed it last year.
Peterman: My friends, a toast. As the wolly-haired Melanasians of Papua, New Guinea once said, (Makes a series of clicking and popping sounds. The music starts up) All right! Who's dancing? (No one makes a gesture that they intend to dance) No one? Alright, I'll just have to get things started. (Grabs a female employee, and starts dancing with her. The crowd is impressed)
Zach: Hi, I'm Zach.
Elaine: Hi, I'm miserable. (They both laugh)
[Setting: Bookstore]
Manager: Excuse me, Sir. What are you doing?
George: (Acting innocent) I'm all set.
Manager: (Pointing) Did you take that book with you into the bathroom?
George: (Not sure what the answer should be) What do you want to hear?
[Setting: The Coffee shop]
George: They made me buy it.. A hundred bucks this thing cost me. (Gesturing to the book) How dare they?! I got news for you, if it wasn't for the toilet, there would be no books.
Jerry: (Sarcastic) Yeah. I understand Guttenberg used to spend a lot of time in there.
George: They're selling coffee, bran muffins.. you're surrounded by reading material. It's entrapment!
Jerry: (Reading the cover of the book George was forced to buy) 'French Impressionist Paintings'?
George: I find the soothing pastorial images very conduc-
Jerry: (Cutting him off) Thank you very much.
George: Well, I'm gonna go back there later and return it when there's different people working.. You want to catch a movie?
Jerry: I can't. I'm meeting Uncle Leo. I saw him shoplifting at the bookstore.
George: (Praising Leo's stealing) Alright, Leo! Stickin' it to the man!
Jerry: Sleeping in the caragain?
Elaine: Cocktail flu.
Jerry: (Remembering) Oh, right. The big party..
George: You, uh, didn't dance again, did you?
Elaine: (Angered) No, I found a better way to humiliate myself. There was this guy, and we had a few too many..
George: You went home with him?
Elaine: Worse. We made out at the table like our plane was going down!
Jerry: (Rubbing it in) Ah, the drunken make-out. An office classic. Did you end up xeroxing anything?
Elaine: (Gives Jerry a look) Do you know how embarrassing this is to someone in my position?
Jerry: (Confused) What's your position?
Elaine: I am an associate.
George: Hey, me too.
Waitress: Yeah, me too.
Elaine: Oh God. Why did I do this? Now I'm the office skank.
George: Well, unless you tell everybody you're dating.
Elaine: (Liking the idea) Ohh.. right. Cause if we're dating, what everyone saw was just a beautiful moment between two lovers.
Jerry: (Jokingly rubbing it in) As opposed to a spirited bout of Skanko-Roman wrestling.
Elaine: (Sarcastic) Oh, bravo.
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: (Sarcastic) Oh, hey. Can I fix you fellas some drinks and sandwiches?
Kramer: (Taking his offer seriously) No, we've already eaten.
Newman: (Gesturing to dishes and silverware on the table) But you can clear some of this stuff out of the way.
Kramer: Jerry, check this out. (Pointing at some papers on the table) Remember my idea about rickshaws in New Youk? Well, we're gonna make it happen!
Jerry: (Jokingly trying to be skeptical) No, you're not.
Kramer: Newman, he knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office..
Jerry: (Still skeptical) No, he doesn't.
Newman: He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't miss!
Jerry: Yes, it can.
Kramer: We'll start out with one, and they when it catches on, we're gonna have a whole fleet!
Newman: It's the romance of the Handsome Cab without the guilt or dander of the equine.
Jerry: So, who's gonna pull this thing?
Kramer: (To Newman) Well, I just assumed you would.
Newman: Yeah, but I though-
Kramer: (Stopping his thought) Da-da-da-da no.
Jerry: (Extremely happy about Kramer and Newman's dilemma) My, isn't this an awkward moment?
Kramer: (Brainstorming) What about the homeless?
Newman: Can't we worry about them later?
Kramer: (Explaining) To pull the rickshaw.
Newman: (Pondering Kramer's plan out loud) They do have an intimate knowledge of the street..
Kramer: They're always walkin' around the city. Why not just strap something to them?!
Jerry: (Sarcastic) Now, that's the first sensible idea I've heard all day.
[Setting: The Coffee shop]
Leo: Jerry, hello! (Sits down)
Jerry: So, Leo, how's everything? You doin' Okay?
Leo: I still have the ringing in the ears. Sounds like the phone.
Jerry: (Shrugging his problems off) Yeah, yeah. But what about money? Are you strapped? Do you need a little?
Leo: What, are you kidding? I should you loaning you money! (Quickly amending what he just said) But I'm not.
Jerry: (Being frank) Leo, I saw you in Brentano's yesterday.
Leo: Why didn't ya say hello?
Jerry: Because you were too busy stealing a book.
Leo: (Giving a courtesy lesson) You still say hello.
Jerry: (Showing that it's a problem) Leo, I saw you steal.
Leo: Oh, they don't care. We all do it.
Jerry: Who, criminals?
Leo: Senior citizens. No big deal.
Jerry: You could get arrested.
Leo: Arrested? Come on! (Goes into a routine explaination for his stealing) I'm an old man. I'm confused! I thought I paid for it. What's my name? Will you take me home?
Jerry: (Pleading) Leo..
Leo: Alright, alright. Mr. Goody Two-Shoes. You made your point.
Jerry: (Thinking he's stopped Leo's thefts) Thank you.
Leo: (Yelling out to every one in the coffee shop) Will somebody answer that damn phone?!
[Setting: Peterman office building hallway]
Elaine: (Talking to a co-worker) Of course Zach and I have been dating. What'd you think, I was the office skank?
Walter: Well..
Elaine: "Well"? We've been dating for three months. Between you and me, and.. anyone else you want to tell.
Elaine: (Exits, closing the door behind her) Oh man. Ugh..
Walter: (Pointing at the closed door) Isn't that Zach?
Elaine: Yeah.
Walter: Aren't you upset?
Elaine: (Starts to fake cry) Yes. Oh, man! Oh!
[Setting: NYC street]
Kramer: Alright, listen up. Now, you three have been hand-picked out of possibly dozens that applied. Now, what we're looking for are motivated, hard-working, homeless gentlemen like yourselves to pull rickshaws. (One of the homeless men starts to wander off, walking away) Now, I don't caer where you're from, or how you got here, or what happened to your homes. But you will have to be physically fit.
Homeless Man: The government!
Kramer: (Continuing as if nothing happened) Because to pull rickshaws means more than just strong legs. You're also going to need a well-toned upper body.
Newman: Alright, who's first?
Krmaer: Hey.
Newman: Name, please.
Homeless Man: Rusty.
Newman: (Writing on a clipboard) Rusty.
Kramer: (To Rusty) You know, I once knew a horse named Rusty. No offence.
Newman: (To Rusty) Alright, uh, take it down to the end of the block. Make a controlled turn, and bring her back. Let's see what you've got! Ok? Ready, and go!
Kramer: (Watching Rusty's pulling of the rickshaw) Giddy up! Good form.
Newman: (Yelling out to Rusty) Alright, pace yourself, 'Cause you're gonna have to do this all day for very little money.
Kramer: Hey, what's he doin'?
Newman: I think he stealing our rickshaw!
Kramer: Well, then, he's out!
Homeless Man 2: (Salutes Kramer) I'll take the job. Potato salad!"
[Setting: Bookstore]
George: Yes, I, uh, I need to return this book.
Cashier: (Puts the book's code into the computer) I'm sorry, we can't take this book back.
George: Why not?
Cashier: It's been flagged.
George: (Confused) Flagged?
Cashier: It's been in the bathroom.
George: It says that on the computer?
Cashier: Please take it home. We don't want it near the other books.
George: (Outraged. Leaving) Well, you just lost a lot of business! Because I love to read!
Jerry: (To himself) I don't believe this! (Walks over to a security guard) Excuse me, I wonder if you could do me a favor? My uncle's having a little problem with shoplifting..
Guard: Mm-hmm. Where's your uncle?
Jerry: (Pointing) He's over there in the overcoat. If you could just kind of put a scare into him.. You know, set him straight..
Gaurd: (Into his walkie-talkie) We have a 51-50 in paperbacks. All units respond.
Jerry: '51-50'? That - that's just a scare, right?
Guard: Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to stand out of the way and let us handle this. (The Guard rushes tward Uncle Leo) Swarm! Swarm!
Leo: What?! I'm an old man! I'm confused!
Guard: You're under arrest.
Jerry: (To Guard) I just wanted you to scare him.
Leo: Jerry, you ratted me out?!
Jerry: (Unsure of what to say - he remember's Leo's courtesy tip) Hello?
Leo: Hello.
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: Mom, I didn't rat out Uncle Leo. I just wanted the guard to scare him straight.
Helen: Jerry, he won't last a day in prison.
Jerry: (Scoffing) Prison. I'm sure it's just a fine.
Morty: She's got priors.
Jerry: (Not believeing it) Prior convictions? Leo?
Helen: It was a crime of passion. Leave it alone.
Morty: Besides, it's not stealing if it's something you need.
Jerry: (Confused) What does that mean?
Helen: Nobody pays for everyting.
Jerry: (Shocked at his parents) You're stealing too?!
Morty: Nothing. Batteries. (Jerry scoffs) Well, they wear out so quick.
Jerry: Mom, you too?
Helen: Sometimes your father forgets, so I have to steal them.
Jerry: Alright, I'll talk to you later.
Kramer: (While washing his hands in Jerry's kithen sink) Well, the rickshaw's gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he (Makes a noise), he bolted.
Jerry: (Joking around) Well, you know, eighty-five percent of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first three months.
Kramer: (To Newman) See, we should've gotten some collateral from him.. Like his bag of cans, or.. his other bag of cans.
Newman: We gotta find that rickshaw. You check the sewers and dumpsters. I'll hit the soup kitchens, bakeries, and smorgasbords.
Jerry: To the Idiotmobile!
[Setting: The Coffee shop]
Jerry: So, even though you're not really going out with this guy, he's cheating on you?
Elaine: That is correct. But here's the beauty part - now I stand up for myself by telling everybody I'm dumping his sorry ass, and I'm the office-
Jerry: (Butting in) Tina Turner?
Elaine: (Accepting) Alright.
George: Well, I've to every Brentano's. This thing's flagged in every database in town!
Jerry: Is it so horrible to have to keep a book?
George: I don't understand what the big deal is. They let you try on pants.
Jerry: (Stern on George) Not underpants.
Elaine: Hey, that's your Uncle Leo.
Jerry: (Getting up) Uncle Leo. Hello!
Leo: (Bitter) Jerry.
Jerry: (Trying to explain) Uncle Leo, I'm sorry. I didn't know about your.. past.
Leo: (Exiting) You mean my crime of passion? If anyone betrays me, I never forget!
Jerry: (Following Leo out the door) Uncle Leo, wait! Hello?!
Elaine: French impressionism. Oh, I love this. (Looking up at George) Now, what is the problem with this book?
George: Nothing.
Elaine: How much do you want for it?
George: You know, I could let it go for.. say.. a hundred and twenty-five.
Jerry: Leo's furious. (He stops in his tracks when he sees Elaine looking at George's book) What is that doing on the table?
George: (Wanting Elaine to take it off his hands, he tries to silence Jerry) Jerry, simmer down.
Jerry: (Pointing) I'm not eating anything in the vicinity of that book.
Elaine: (Confused) What is wrong with this book?
George: Simmer!
Jerry: That book has been on a wild ride. George took it into the bathroom with him and-
Elaine: (Cutting Jerry off, she stands up, trying to get away from the book. Yelling out) Alright! Everyone clear! Bio-hazard coming through! Clear! Clear!! (Runs to the bathroom to wash her hands)
George: (The damage has been done. He is slightly angered at Jerry) May I ask, what do you read in the bathroom?
Jerry: I don't read in the bathroom.
George: Well, aren't you something?
[Setting: Elaine's office]
Peterman: Elaine, do you have a moment? It's about your lover.
Elaine: (Faking a broken heart) Oh yes. I know all about his little performance in the break room.
Peterman: Elaine, who among us hasn't snuck into the break room to nibble on a love newton?
Elaine: (Confused) Love newton?
Peterman: I'm afraid the problem with Zach is more serious. He's back on the horse, Elaine. Smack. White palace. The Chinaman's nightcap.
Elaine: An addict? (Sacrcastic) Well, it just keeps getting better!
Peterman: And, in a tiny way, I almost feel responsible. I'm the one who sent him to Thailand - in search of low-cost whistles. Filled his head with pseudoerotic tales of my own Opium excursions. Plus, I have him some phone numbers of places he could score near the hotel.
Elaine: Look, uh, Mr. Peterman, the fact is that I was planning on breaking up with Zach anyway. He was cheating on me!
Peterman: Damn it, Elaine. That wasn't Zach. That was the yam-yam. Now, he is going cold turkey. (Ordering) And you will be at his side.
Elaine: Oh. Well, you know, I had planned to uh-
Peterman: (Cutting her off) No buts, Elaine. Or I will strip you of your 'associate' status. (Goes to leave) Uh, P.S., the first twenty-four hours are the worst. Better bring a poncho.
[Setting: Jerry's bedroom]
Helen: It was a crime of passion.
Leo: If anyone betrays me, I never forget.
Helen: He won't last a day in prison.
Leo: (Leo has "Jerry" written on the fingers his right hand, and "Hello" written on his left. He's doing pull-ups) Jerry. Hello. Jerry. Hello. Jerry. (Turns to the right, yelling out) Answer that damn phone!
Jerry: Hello?
Elaine: Hey, it's me.
Jerry: Uncle Leo?
Elaine: (Sarcastic) Oh, that's nice. What are you up to?
Jerry: Nightmares. You?
Elaine: My fake boyfriend is going through real withdrawals.
Zach: (Yelling out from off-camera) I'm burning up! Elaine!
Elaine: Eat your soup!
Jerry: You're not feeding him, are you?
Elaine: Why? (Zach vomits. Elaine yells out to him) I told you, away from the curtains. Away. (Pointing) Use your bucket. (He vomits again - this time into the bucket) There you go, that's it. (To Jerry) You know what? I gotta go.
Kramer: Hey, buddy.
Jerry: (Scared) Ah! Kramer!
Kramer: I thought I heard you.
Jerry: Get out of here!
Newman: (From outside the room) Kramer? Kramer? (Enters Jerry's bedroom) There you are.
Jerry: Will everybody please leave?!
Newman: I just heard that a postman spotted a rickshaw down in Battery Park.
Kramer: Our rickshaw?
Newman: It's entirely possible.
Jerry: I want everyone out!
Kramer: (Exiting the bedroom with Newman) Let's talk in Jerry's kitchen. I'll make some cocoa.
Newman: (To Jerry) Good night.
Jerry: (Bitter) Good night, Newman.
[Setting: Park]
Newman: There it is!
Kramer: Rusty!
Rusty: Oh, there you are. Oh, do I get the job?
Kramer: (Sarcastic) Yeah, yeah. We'll get back to you. (Pulling the rickshaw with Newman) Let's get this baby home.
Newman: Uh..
Kramer: What?
Newman: You know, when you think about it, it's kind of silly for us both to pull this thing all t he way back uptown. I mean, after all, it is a conveyance.
Kramer: Yes, that's true.
Newman: So, which one of us is gonna pull?
Kramer: Well, there's only one way to settle this. (Starts pointing back and forth between Newman and him with each word of the rhyme) One spot, two spot, zig, zag, tear, pop-die, pennygot, tennyum, tear, harum, scare 'em, rip 'em, tear 'em, tay, taw, toe..
Newman: (Realizing he won) Yeah.
Kramer: Best two out of three? (Starts the pointing and the rhyme again) One spot, two spot..
Nemwan: Hey, boy. Smooth it out up there. Too much jostling!
[Setting: A homeless charity center]
Rebecca: (Gesturing tward the book) So, you want to donate this to charity?
George: Well, I assume there's some sort of write-off.
Rebecca: What's the value of the book?
George: Uh, about two hundred dollars, Miss DeMooney.
Rebecca: (Correcting. Stern) It's DeMornay. Rebecca DeMornay.
George: Oh.
Rebecca: (Opens the cover of the book) Oh, wait a second. (Certain) This book has been in the bathroom.
George: (Nervous) Wh-what are you talking about? That - that's rediculous.
Rebecca: It's been flagged. I know. I used to work in a Brentano's. Mister, we're trying to help the homeless heare - it's bad enough that we have some nut out there trying to strap 'em to a rickshaw!
George: (Desperate to get rid of the book) Alright, I, I'll just take fifty. Do - do we have a deal?
Rebecca: Yeah, and here it is You get your toilet book out of here, and I won't jump over this counter and punch you in the brain!
George: I could take it in merchandise..
Rebecca: (Threatening to hit him) Here I come..
[Setting: Bookstore]
Elaine: So, this book'll tell me how to get puke out of cashmere?
Cashier: Yeah.
Elaine: Great.
Jerry: (To Elaine) So, the worst is over?
Elaine: Yeah. Now I can break up with him. He's clean, and I'm the office hero.
Jerry: Seems like you're better at fake relationships than real ones.
Elaien: Yeah, huh. I even got an idea out of it. the Detox Poncho.
Elaine: (Leaving Jerry) See ya.
Jerry: (To cashier) I'd like to speak with the manager, please.
[Setting: NYC Street]
Newman: Mind your pace, Boy. Chop, chop!
Kramer: (Tired) Oh, I can't go on. I gotta take a break. (Sets the rickshaw down - taking a rest)
Newman: Well, don't tarry. I'm behind schedule as it is.
Kramer: (Stretching) Oh..
Newman: (Scared) Boy.. Boy. Kramer!
Kramer: Woah! Wait!
Newman: Ahhh! Yaaaahhh!
Zach: (Optimistic) Well, this is the first day of the rest of my life!
Newman: Waaaaahhhh!
[Setting: Bookstore]
Jerry: George? What are you doin' here?
George: I can't sell the book. It's been marked.
Jerry: (Sarcasticly joking) It certainly has.
George: So, I'm gonna steal another one, and then return it. That way, everything is even.
Jerry: (Trying to straighten things out) You defile one book, steal another, ask for your money back - and to you that's even?
George: I'm goin' in!
Manager: Did you want to speak with the manager?
Jerry: Yes. My Uncle Leo was cought shoplifing here the other day..
Manager: Yes, Uncle Leo. I remember him. I'm sorry, our policy is we prosecute all shoplifters.
Jerry: (Pleading) Oh, come on. He's just a lonely old man. All old people steal.
Manager: That's right. That's why we stopped carrying batteries. Look, I'll be honest with you, we've had a lot of trouble with theft lately - and my boss says I have to make an example to someone.
Jerry: So it could be anyone?
Manager: I.. guess. As long as we catch him in the act.
Jerry: That guy! (Pointing at George) Swarm! Swarm!
George: No! Jerry!


All (Singing): Happy birthday to you.
Walter: Thanks.
Female Worker: Elaine, cake?
Elaine: Uh, no, thanks.
Female Worker: It's Walter's special day.
Elaine: You know, there are 200 people who work in this office. Every day is somebody's special day.
Male Worker: Elaine! Where're you going? It's Walter's last day. We have to celebrate.
Elaine: It's his birthday and it's his last day?
Male Worker: This is other-Walter, from returns.
Other-Walter: Hey, what's going on here?
All: Surprise!
Other-Walter: Oh guys.
Other-Walter: Elaine, it's my last day. Have a piece.
Elaine: All right, pile it on.
All (Singing, Competing): For he's a jolly good fellow...happy birthday to you...for he's a jolly good fellow...birthday to you...which nobody can deny...
Jerry: What is so bad about having a little piece of cake?
Elaine: It is the forced socializing. I mean, just because we work in the same office, why do we have to act like we're friends?
Jerry: Why aren't you there now?
Elaine: I had to take a sick day. I'm so sick of these people. By the way, I talked to Lisi, and tomorrow night's good for her.
Jerry: You know, I shouldn't go out with a friend of yours. I foresee messiness.
Elaine: Yeah, you're better off sitting around here, reading comic books, and eating spaghetti at two in the morning..
Jerry: Hey, speaking of tomato sauce, you want to come with me and George to Mario's Pizza?
Elaine: Your old high school hangout? Why?
Jerry: They're closing. We're going for one last slice.
Kramer: Hey. All right. Hi. Check it out, official police caution tape. Look at that.
Kramer: Uh-uh-uh. Step back, son, there's nothing to see here.
Jerry: Where did you get this?
Kramer: Well, I got it from my cop buddy Doug.
Jerry: You sure have a lot of friends. How come I never see any of these people?
Kramer: They want to know why they never see you.
Kramer: I'm gonna eat that later.
Jerry: So they just gave you this?
Kramer: Oh no, no,. no. I had to fish around in the evidence room for it. You know, they're all preoccupied, trying to hunt down this new psycho-serial killer, the Lopper. All right, I'll see ya.
Elaine: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Who is the Lopper?
Kramer: Oh, it's no big deal. It's just some guy who's been running around Riverside park-pffff. You know, cutting people's heads off.
Jerry: How come I haven't read about this?
Kramer: Well, you know, the police, they've been having some internal dissension about the name.
Elaine: Really? What're the other titles?
Kramer: Uh, Headso...uh...The Denogginizer...Son of dad.
Jerry: Son of dad?
Kramer: Yeah. That was my suggestion. It's sort of a catchall.
George: Mario's Pizza.
George: Just as she was. Hey, Mario! Remember us?
Mario: No.
Jerry: We used to come in every day.
Mario: So where ya been? We're tanking here.
George: We'll have 2 slices and 2 grape sodas.
Mario: Oh, thanks. That'll save us.
Jerry: All right, make it the large sodas.
George: Hey, Jerry, remember Frogger? I used to be so into this game. Gettin' that frog across the street was my entire life.
Jerry: Yeah. And then you went on to...Well, it's a good game.
George: Double jump! Eat the fly! Eat it!
Boy: Thanks a lot.
George: Ah, beat it, punk.
Jerry: Hey, look at the high score-"G.L.C." George Louis Costanza. That's not you, is it?
George: Yes! 860,000. I can't believe it's still standing. No one has beaten me in like 10 years.
Jerry: I remember that night.
George: The perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella...just the right amount of grease on the joy stick...
Mario: Here's your pizza pea brains.
Jerry: I think I remember why we stopped coming here.
George: Yeah.
Elaine (Thinking): This pen smells really bad. So why do I keep smelling it? Is it too late for me to go to law school?
Elaine: What is this?
Male Worker: You were out sick yesterday, so we got you a get-well cake.
Female Worker: It's carrot. It's good for you.
Workers (Singing): Get well get well soon, we wish you to get-
Elaine: Stop it! That's not even a song! I mean, now we're celebrating a sick day?
Male Worker: I think it's nice.
Elaine: What? What is nice? Trying to fill the void in your life with flour and sugar and egg and vanilla? I mean, we are all unhappy. Do we have to be fat, too? Not you Becky, I know you have a slow metabolism. I don't want one more piece of cake in my office!
Worker (Singing): Get well, get well soon-
Male Worker: It's not happening.
Becky: Can we still it eat?
Jerry: I'll tell you Lisi, I never expected that movie to-
Lisi: End under water?
Jerry: Be that long. I mean, most action movies are-
Lisi: So much more violent.
Jerry: Not as long.
Lisi: Well, I should probably-
Jerry: Get going.
Lisi: Yeah.
Jerry: Well, it was nice meeting you. I'm sure I'll see you-
Lisi: Eight tomorrow?
Jerry: Actually, that's-
Lisi: What you were thinking.
Jerry: Right.
George: Oh! Here you are. Ha ha...You, uh, you want to-
Jerry: Sure. (points at booth) How about this one?
George: Well, I'm doing it, Jerry. I'm buying the Frogger machine. Now the torch will burn forever.
Jerry: Fabulous. See, now you're really do something.
George: So, you want to come down to Mario's Pizza with me and help me pick up the Frogger?
Jerry: Hey, how you gonna keep the machine plugged in while you move it?
George: What?
Jerry: Once you unplug the machine, all the scores will be erased.
George: You're right. Why must there always be a problem? You'd think just once I could get a break. God knows I earned it with that score!
Kramer: Well, more bad news Jerry.
Kramer: You know the police, they found another victim of the Lopper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo, and it looked a lot like you.
Jerry: Oh, come on. There's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me.
Kramer: Not as many as there used to be.
George: No. I need a guy that can rig a Frogger machine so that I can move it without losing power, 'cause I have the high score. H-hello?
Kramer: You know, George, you're not gonna find an electrician like that in the yellow pages. Now, I know just the guy who can do this.
Jerry: Another friend?
Kramer: Oh, no, no, no. This guy is no friend. In fact, we don't even get along.
George: Well, is he good, Kramer?
Kramer: Oh, he's the best...and the worst.
George: Kramer, listen to me. I'm never gonna have a child. If I lose this Frogger high score, that's it for me.
Kramer: Believe me George, you can count on Slippery Pete.
George: Slippery Pete?
Kramer: Yeah, I don't care for the name, either. In fact, that's one of the things that we argue about.
George: All right, I'm gonna find a guy with a truck. GLC must live on!
Jerry: Come on.
Kramer: Dng-ga-gng-ga-wt.
Jerry: Hello?
Elaine: So how's it going with my friend?
Jerry: She's a sentence finisher. It's like dating Mad Libs.
Jerry: What is that?
Elaine: Oh, it's a cake party. It's the third one today. I didn't realize how hooked I got on that 400 sugar rush.
Jerry: So join in.
Elaine: I can't. I denounced them. Maybe I'll go raid Peterman's fridge. He's always got a truffle or something in there.
Jerry: All right.
Jerry: Hey, wh-what-
Kramer: Yeah. I dropped an egg. Be careful.
Elaine: Anybody here? Peterboy?
Elaine: Ooh, it's a cake walk.
Peterman (Singing): Get well, get well soon we wish you to get well.
Peterman: Ha ha ha ha...Oh, what a stirring little anthem of wellness.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, um-
Peterman: We missed you at the get well party. Poor old Walt has a polyp in the duodenum. It's benign, but-ooh-still a bastard. Oh, Elaine, can you keep a secret?
Elaine: No, sir, I can't.
Peterman: Inside that small college boy minifridge is my latest acquisition. A slice of cake from the wedding of King Edward VIII to Wallis Simpson, circa 1937, price-$29,000.
Jerry: Well Lisi, that was another-
Lisi: Lovely evening.
Jerry: Really bad meal. I was thinking maybe we should-
Lisi: Go for a hansom cab ride?
Jerry: Call it a night. I'll walk you home. Where do you live?
Lisi: 84th street, right off Riverside Park.
Jerry: Riverside Park.
Lisi: I thought we were going-
Jerry: Back to my place. That's right.
George: So you slept with her?
Jerry: She lives right off Riverside Park. I was scared of the Lopper, So I let her stay over.
George: And you automatically sleep with her?
Jerry: Well, I just wanted to make out a little, but she kind of-
George: Finished your thought.
Elaine: Guess what I ate.
George: An ostrich burger.
Elaine: No. A $29,000 piece of cake. Peterman got it at The Duke Of Windsor auction. It was the most romantic thing I've ever eaten.
Jerry: How'd it taste?
Elaine: A little stale.
Jerry: Yeah.
George (Nudges Elaine With His Elbow): So, uh are you sleeping with Peterman?
Elaine (Nudges George With Her Elbow): No. He doesn't know I ate it. In fact, he almost caught me. I have to sneak back in and even it out.
George: You know, they say ostrich has less fat, but you eat more of it.
Elaine: Hey, so I talked to Lisi and she has got a big surprise for you. She's planning a weekend trip to Pennsylvania Dutch country.
Jerry: Pennsylvania Dutch country? Oh, that's the serious relationship weekend place.
Elaine: What is going on with you two?
Jerry: Well, I think by sleeping with her, I may have sent her the wrong message.
George: What's that?
Elaine: 400 sugar fix.
Jerry: Well, I'm calling this off right now.
Elaine: No, no. You are way past the phone call breakup stage.
Jerry: Well, I'm not going over there. That's where the Lopper is.
Elaine: Oh...it's daylight. It won't take you that long. Just make a clean break.
Elaine: Just a little off the side...
Elaine: Well, no point in wasting $1,200.
Elaine (Thinking): Oh, commander, isn't the wedding marvelous? More cake? Oh, I shouldn't. I mustn't. Ah, what the hell?
George: Now, each of you is here because you're the best at what you do.
George: Slippery Pete, Kramer tells me you are one hell of a rogue electrician. And shlomo, you're the best truck driver.
Shlomo: I don't know If I'm the best.
George: Oh...you're very good.
Shlomo: Let's say "good."
George: Ok. Good. And Kramer, you're in charge of taping off the loading zone.
Kramer: Lock and load.
Slippery Pete: You think you can handle that, numb nuts?
Kramer: All right, all right, come on, now.
Slippery Pete: That was my mail-order bride.
Kramer: Hey, you weren't home, so I signed for her.
Slippery Pete: It doesn't give you the right to make out with her.
Kramer: You weren't even married yet.
George: All right, all right, calm down, calm down. Whatever happened in the past is past.
George: Now, this is the basic layout for Mario's Pizza.
Shlomo: So what kind of jail time are we looking at if we're caught?
George: What do you mean?
Slippery Pete: We're stealing this thing, right?
George: No. I-I paid for it.
Slippery Pete: I thought we were stealing it.
Kramer: Yeah. It feels like we're stealing it.
George: We're not stealing it.
Shlomo: I definitely thought we're stealing it.
George: All right, let's-let's focus. Can we get back to the plan?
Slippery Pete: Well, I need a battery for this kind of a job. Can I at least steal a battery?
George: Fine. Steal the battery. Now, all right, here is the Frogger. This is the front door, and this is the outlet.
Slippery Pete: What's that?
George: The outlet?
Slippery Pete: Mm-hmm.
George: That's where the electricity comes out.
Slippert Pete: Oh, you mean the holes.
Shlomo: Which one's the bathroom?
George: Uh, here.
Shlomo: They put the Frogger with the toilet? Yecchh.
George: The Frogger is here.
Kramer: George, I thought that was the door.
Slippery Pete: Where are all the pizza ovens?
Shlomo: I thought the bathroom was here.
George: All right. You understand now? It's not that complicated.
Elaine: I need to replace an antique piece of cake.
Elaine: Do you have anything that's been...you know, laying around for a while? Something prewar would be just great.
Kramer: Oh, hey, Elaine. What, you got the munchies?
Elaine: Oh, Kramer, I am in big. big, big trouble. I need a cake that looks like this.
Kramer: Oh, yeah-Sotheby's. Yeah. They make good cake.
Elaine: Do any of these look close?
Kramer: No, but I know I've seen cake just like that. Oh-Entenmann's. Yeah.
Elaine: Entenmann's? From the supermarket?
Kramer: Well, no. They're not really in the supermarket. Yeah, they got their own case at the end of the aisle.
Jerry: Hi, Lisi.
Lisi: Hi, honey. Is that a bat?
Jerry: Uh, yeah. I found it on the street. It's gotta be worth something.
Lisi: So, what do you want to do, Sweetheart?
Jerry: Well, before we do anything...maybe we should talk.
Montage:
Jerry: Then this Pennsylvania Dutch thing comes out of nowhere. I mean, how am I supposed to respond to that?
Lisi: Then may I say something... without being interrupted?
Jerry: Well I'm sorry if I ruined your life. That's exactly what I set out to do.
Lisi: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh...
Lisi: Are you afraid to kiss me in public?
Jerry: Have we even been in public?
Lisi: So now you're going to tell me what I'm thinking. Well, go ahead, 'cause I'd really like to know.
Jerry: You are not dumb. Don't say that..
Jerry: These beans are pretty good.
Lisi: 20 minutes.
Jerry: Well, I'm sorry I'm not Brad. I'm me!
Jerry: Nice to meet ya!
Lisi: Boy, did your mother do a number on you.
Lisi: Fine. So it's over.
Jerry: Oh, thank god. Why is it dark out? What time is it?
Lisi: 930.
Jerry: We've been breaking up for 10 hours?
Lisi: Good-bye, Jerry.
Jerry: Lopper. You know, Lisi, maybe we should give this a little more time. See how it looks in the light of day.
Lisi: Out!
Jerry: Lopper.
Jerry: Lisi, Lisi. Let me in! We can work this out. I was wrong, you were right. I'll do anything!
George: Jerry, you came for the big moment.
Jerry: No. I'm waiting for...
George: Ha ha. Everything's timed out to perfection, Jerry. Slippery Pete's got the Frogger running on battery power, the truck will be there any minute, and Kramer's taped out the loading zone.
Jerry: Oh. Sounds great.
George: Yeah, yeah. You gotta come over tonight. We can play.
Jerry: Oh, I can't. I'm busy. I'm going away on a long weekend.
George: Where?
Lisi: Look what I found. I got one for you, too.
Jerry: Great. Uh, you know what? Why don't you put it in the car so I don't toss it in that dumpster?
Lisi: Ha ha. Ok. I'll meet thee in front of your place, 15 minutes.
Jerry: A long, long weekend.
George: I hear thee.
Peterman: Elaine! Excellent. I'd like you to meet a friend of mine, Irwin Lubeck.
Elaine: Oh, hello.
Lubeck: Charmed.
Peterman: All right, brace yourself, Lubeck. You are about to be launched via pastry back to the wedding of one of the most dashing and romantic Nazi sympathizers of the entire British Royal family.
Elaine: I guess I'll just-
Peterman: Oh, no Elaine, stay. Lubeck here is the world's foremost appraiser of vintage pastry.
Peterman: All right, Lubeck. How much is she worth?
Lubeck: I'd say about 219.
Peterman: Ha ha ha ha ha!$219,000! Lubeck, you glorious titwillow. You just made me a profit of $190,000.
Lubeck: No, $2.19. It's an Entenmann's.
Peterman: Do they have a castle at Windsor?
Lubeck: No. They have a display case at the end of the aisle.
Peterman: Oh, good lord.
Lubeck: You all right, Peterman? You look ill.
Elaine (Singing): Get well, get well soon, we want you to get well. Get well, get well soon we want you to get well.
George: What are you guys doing?
Shlomo: Eat the fly. Eat the fly. Got him!
George: You idiots. You're gonna wear down the battery.
Slippery Pete: The batteries are fine. We've got...oh, god. only 3 minutes left.
George: Quick. Get this thing back in the pizzeria
Kramer: George, they closed up.
George: I need an outlet!
Slippery Pete: A what?
George: Holes! I need holes!
Kramer: The pharmacy's still open.
George: All right. Kramer, you block off traffic. You to go sweet-talk the pharmacist.
Slippery Pete (To George): You owe me a quarter.
George (To Jerry): Slippery Pete. Kramer, hurry up!
Kramer: Ahh! I'm out! No tape left!
Jerry: Well, come on George, I'll help you push it across.
George: Wait a minute. This looks familiar. This reminds me of something. I can do this.
Jerry: By yourself?
George: Jerry, I've been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Shlomo: He looks like a Frog.
Slippery Pete: So do you.
Jerry: Game over.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, you wanted to see me, sir?
Peterman: Elaine, up until a moment ago, I was convinced that I was on the receiving end of one of the oldest baker's grift in the books-The Entenmann's shim-sham.
Elaine: Ohh...
Peterman: Until I remembered the videotape surveillance system that I installed to catch other-Walter using my latrine. But it also caught this.
Ealine: Mr. Peterman, I, uh...
Peterman: Elaine, I have a question for you. Is the item still...with you?
Elaine: Um...as far as I know.
Peterman: Do you know what happens to a butter-based frosting after six decades in a poorly ventilated English basement?
Elaine: Uh, I guess I hadn't-
Peterman: Well, I have a feeling that what you are about to go through is punishment enough. Dismissed.