Kramer: I wouldn't walk over there.
Jerry: Why not?
Kramer: It's the most dangerous part of the sidewalk. Cab hops a curb, wap! You've had your last egg sandwich.
Jerry: What about over there? You know air conditioners fall out all the time.
Kramer: I'd much rather get hit by an 80 pound air conditioner than a two ton cab.
Jerry: No, cab's comin' in right here (Hand at waist) Set of plastic hips, prosthetic legs, and a monkey to answer the door, I'm back in business.
Kramer: Much rather take it to the head, Like I did in '79.
Jerry: You were livin' in the village then, right?
Kramer: Don't really remember.
Elaine: (Showing fingernails) Toxic waste green.
Jerry: That is disgusting.
Elaine: You know, revulsion has now become a valid form of attraction.
Jerry: Well, then you're drivin' me wild.
Elaine: I had 'em done for the big Peterman bash I'm throwin'.
Jerry: (George enters) Oh, why you havin' a party?
Elaine: I drive my people hard, and then I reward them.
Jerry: Like with dogs.
Elaine: Exactly.
George: Party?
Elaine: Yeah.
George: Food?
Elaine: Uh huh.
George: Bar?
Elaine: Yeah.
George: George?
Jerry: He's gonna show up anyway.
Elaine: George, I just don't want you interfering.
George: How could I possibly interfere?
Jerry: Isn't that what Jack Ruby said?
George: (Eating) Oh yeah. These are fantastic, fantastic. (To server) You know, I'd love to get a jump on the next batch, where do you come out? (Server leaves) (To Anna) She's been ignoring this section all night. Quesadilla?
Anna: No thanks.
George: Hi ah, My name is George.
Anna: Anna. I don't recall seeing you around the office. Do you work in the mail room?
George: No, I'm a friend of Elaine Benes.
Anna: Oh. Excuse me. (She leaves)
George: So...
Man: How 'bout leading us in a toast?
Elaine: Oh sure. Hey guys, I wanna make a toast. Um... Here's to us who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell... All right, who's dancin'? C'mon, who's dancin'? You want me, You want me to get it started? I'll get it started. Whew! (She dances)
George: Sweet Fancy Moses!
Kramer: You get the tickets?
Jerry: Who wants two? Special sneak preview of Death Blow.
Kramer: Death Blow When someone tries to blow you up, not because of who you are, but for different reasons altogether. (Jerry buzzes up George) Jerry, do you think you can get an extra ticket for my friend Brody?
Jerry: Kramer, do you know what I had to go through to get these?
Kramer: Yeah, I know, but he's a big fan of the genre. You know I'd consider it a personal favor to me.
Jerry: Yeah I guess I do owe you.
Kramer: Uh, listen, do you want me to stay here until George gets up?
Jerry: No, I'm okay.
Kramer: There's no problem, really.
Jerry: I'm fine. (George enters, Kramer exits) How was the party?
George: Food was good.
Jerry: Yeah, so I didn't miss anything?
George: Well, actually you did miss one nugget of entertainment. (Pause) Have you ever seen Elaine dance?
Jerry: Elaine danced?
George: It was more like a full bodied dry heave set to music.
Jerry: Did she do the little kicks and the thumbs?
George: What, you mean you know about this?
Jerry: For some time... (video of Elaine dancing on the street with Jerry and the street musicians watching her awful dance) It was about five years ago. I never knew what to say to her about it. It was one of those problems I hoped would just go away.
George: Well, sometimes you can't help these people 'til they hit rock bottom.
Jerry: And by then you've lost interest.
George: Hey, you gotta take a ride with me later. I borrowed my father's car. '68 GTO.
Jerry: What made him get that thing?
George: During that period when my folks were separated he went a little crazy.
Jerry: Not a very long trip. (Enter Kramer)
Kramer: Brody's in.
Jerry: I don't even have the extra ticket yet.
Kramer: Well, you better get on the horn.
Elaine: I'm tellin' you Jerry I'm gettin' a vibe. If I didn't know better, I'd say the staff completely lost respect for me. (Staff mocks her dancing in the background)
Jerry: How could that be?
Elaine: Jerry, it's like the feeling is palpable. You think it could have something to do with the party?
Jerry: No, George was there, he said he had a great time.
Elaine: Ah, it's George. I bet you this is somehow George related.
Jerry: Oh, what are you talkin' about?
Elaine: He's like a virus. He attaches himself to a healthy host company, and the next thing you know, the entire staff's infected.
Jerry: Now you're talkin' crazy!
Elaine: All right, Jerry, if that's not what it is, you tell me. What is it?
Jerry: (Makes sound) Oh there's my call waiting, I gotta get goin'.
Anna: You have a minute to approve some copy?
Elaine: Oh yeah, sure, sure. So ah, did ya have a good time at the party last night?
Anna: It was a real... kick.
Elaine: Hey, did you happen to speak to my friend George?
Anna: As a matter of fact I did.
Elaine: Ah hah. Well, listen. You would be wise to keep your distance from him.
Anna: Why? He seems harmless.
Elaine: Oh he's not. He's very harmful.
Anna: Really?
Elaine: Oh trust me. He's a bad seed. He's a horrible seed. He's one of the worst seeds I've ever seen.
Anna: And you two are friends?
Elaine: Yeah, we're good friends.
George: So this Anna called me from out of the blue.
Jerry: Really? I thought you were rebuffed.
George: With extreme prejudice.
Jerry: Maybe Elaine put in a good word for you.
George: No, no. That's just the thing. Anna told me that Elaine said I was one of the worst seeds she'd ever seen.
Jerry: Interesting. She doesn't care for you, then a stern warning, suddenly a phone call. Seems Elaine's made you the bad boy. And Anna digs the bad boy.
George: I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy.
Jerry: You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend...
George: Yes ... yes, yes
Jerry: The bad fianc&Mac226;, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk...
George: Okay, the point is made.
Jerry: The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen... (looks at table as George exits) The bad tipper!
Jerry: Half of show business is here.
Kramer: There's Brody. Brody! Over here.
Brody: Hey Kramer. And you must be Jerry. Thanks for the ticket.
Jerry: That's quite a feed bag you're workin' on there.
Brody: It's for all of us. Is there a problem?
Kramer: Brody, c'mon. He's just kidding. He's a joke maker. Tell him, Jerry.
Jerry: I'm a joke maker.
Kramer: All right, here we go, Death Blow. (Brody takes out video camera)
Jerry: (To Kramer) Hey, hey, what the hell is he doing?
Kramer: Relax, he does that all the time.
Jerry: Does what?
Kramer: He's making a copy of the movie for sale on the street, hum?
Jerry: May I see you outside for a moment please?
Kramer: But I want to-
Jerry: Outside!
Elaine: Hey, have you seen Anna?
Worker: Uh, she just went to meet your friend George.
Elaine: To meet George? I knew it. Where did they go?
Worker: The park, why?
Elaine: Don't you see? George is in the bloodstream! You stay away from him, too!
Jerry: What do you mean he's bootlegging the movie?
Kramer: Well, it's a perfectly legitimate business.
Jerry: It's not legitimate.
Kramer: It's a business.
Jerry: Where did you meet this guy?
Kramer: He's a friend of a friend. You know Corky Ramarez up on 94th Street? One day he and I are playing Pachinco-
Jerry: Kramer. (boom sound)
Kramer: Man, we're missin' the Death Blow!
Jerry: I don't believe this. (They run into theater)
Anna: You know I'm not supposed to be talking to you.
George: No one's putting a gun to your head. Do I, uh, scare you?
Anna: No... a little. Nice car.
George: Yeah, she's a sweet ride.
Anna: Is that your orthopedic back pillow?
George: Maybe.
Anna: Well is it or isn't it?
George: Guess not.
Elaine: (To George) Stay away from her.
George: I didn't do nothin'.
Elaine: (To Anna) Get in the car.
Anna: But...
Elaine: You heard me young lady, get in the car. (To George) And you, you should know better. I don't want you infecting my staff.
George: Lighten up.
Kramer: Go get 'em, Death Blow! (To Brody) You okay?
(Movie Voice: So Death Blow, we meet again ...)
Brody: Uh, I got a cramp.
Kramer: Well, it's no wonder. You ate that entire bag of candy.
Brody: Uh, there it goes again. Kramer, you gotta drive me home.
Jerry: Hey, what is going on over there?
Brody: Jerry, finish shooting the movie for me.
Jerry: Are you nuts? There's no way I'm holding that thing.
Kramer: Jerry, if the man is in pain...
Jerry: Yeah well, maybe if he didn't lick his fingers before he reached in the bag we would've eaten some. Serves him right.
Brody: (pulls out a gun) What are you some kind of tough guy?
Kramer: Okay. Let's everybody just relax. Jerry, take the camera.
Jerry: All right, I'm, i,m takin' the camera.
Kramer: (To Brody) C'mon, let's go.
Jerry: Oh man...
Kramer: Hey man, so how was the rest of Death Blow?
Jerry: How was the rest of Death Blow?
Kramer: Yeah, who got the final Death Blow, 'cause I thought that Hawaiian guy, he had it comin' to him!
Jerry: Kramer, you make me get a ticket for this friend of yours and then the guy forces me to bootleg the movie at gun point!
Kramer: He's quite a character, isn't he?
Jerry: You know, he came by here at 3 o'clock in the morning to pick up the tape. I was scared out of my mind!
Kramer: I got it. Yep.
Brody: Brody.
Kramer: Come on up. It's Brody.
Jerry: What are you, crazy? I don't want to see this guy again.
Kramer: Jerry, you did him a favor. He probably wants to come up and thank you.
Jerry: What if I didn't do it right?
Kramer: It's your first time. He'll understand.
Jerry: People with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns. Too many misunderstandings.
Kramer: Hey, Brody!
Jerry: Hi.
Brody: Jerry, I have to talk to you about the tape.
Jerry: Yeah.
Brody: I've never seen such beautiful work.
Jerry: What?
Brody: (con,t) You're a genius. The zoom-ins, the framing. I was enchanted.
Jerry: Well, I did the best I could.
Brody: I got another project for you. It's a movie called Cry Cry Again. I was gonna give it to one of my other guys, but it's an arty movie and quite frankly, they don't have the sensibility.
Brody: May I use your phone?
Kramer: Uh yeah. It's under the couch.
Kramer: Look at you! You've got another gig! Uhh.
Jerry: I don't want another gig! I'm not doin' this.
Kramer: But you have a gift. Jerry, this is not your little comedy act. We're talkin' feature films.
Jerry: We're talkin' federal crime here.
Brody: (To Jerry) I'll expect that tape by three o'clock tomorrow. (To Kramer) May I borrow this? (Holding baseball bat)
Kramer: Sure, do you need a glove?
Brody: Nah.
Worker: I pressed through the rushes and there, the native dancers whirled before me limbs flailing, arms akimbo, feet kicking up dust... (All workers laugh)
Elaine: What? What is so funny?
Anna: Sorry, I got hung up.
Elaine: At Yankee Stadium?
Anna: This? It's mine.
Elaine: Oh really? 'Cause it looks a little big for you. It looks like something a short, stocky, slow-witted, bald man might wear.
Anna: He's not stocky.
Elaine: Who did that? Who did that?!?
Kramer: (laughing) The French guy fell off his bike. Oh man, that's precious. (eats popcorn)
Jerry: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! What were you thinking when you shot this?
Kramer: That's fine.
Jerry: Do you even know what this scene is about?
Kramer: It's about a guy buying a loaf of bread.
Jerry: No, bread is his soul. He's trying to buy back a loaf of his soul.
Kramer: Wha? Where?
Jerry: Kramer there is no way you're giving this tape to Brody and telling him I shot it.
Kramer: Nah, nah, he's not going to know the difference.
Jerry: I don't care about Brody. I was up on 96th Street today, there was a kid couldn't have been more than ten years old. He was asking a street vendor if he had any other bootlegs as good as Death Blow. That's who I care about. The little kid who needs bootlegs, because his parent or guardian won't let him see the excessive violence and strong sexual content you and I take for granted.
Kramer: So you'll do the movie? (Jerry watches the movie Kramer shot - we hear Kramer, on the tape say 'Ah man, I sat in gum')
Jerry: I have to. But I'm gonna need to storyboard this whole thing. Where are my magic markers?
Kramer: Right here. (Elaine enters)
Elaine: Well, I have lost complete control of my staff. Why did I let George go to that party? I mean, we were having so much fun. We were wining, we were dining, we were dancing. (She starts dancing, Kramer flips out) What?
Kramer: (He shows her) This umpf thing.
Elaine: It's dancing.
Kramer: No, no. That ain't dancing, Sally.
Elaine: I dance fine.
Kramer: You stink. (He exits)
Elaine: He doesn't know what he's talkin' about. (Jerry fake laughs) Jer? Jerry, I'm a good dancer, right?
Jerry: I forgot to make my bed. (He tries to get away)
Elaine: Jerry, do I stink?
Jerry: All right, you're beyond stink.
Elaine: But I really enjoy dancing.
Jerry: And that's not helpin' either. That's why you're havin' trouble with your staff, not because of George.
Elaine: It's that bad?
Jerry: Have you ever seen yourself? (She starts dancing) Ah, ah, please, please. Not in my home. I gotta go throw this stuff in the laundry. I'll be right back.
Voice: I have George Costanza still holding.
Elaine: George, hi. I have Anna here. There's something I wanna say to both of you.
George: Yo, Anna.
Anna: Hi, George. What're you up to?
George: (Ironing) You don't wanna know.
Elaine: Uh, well, listen. I feel really horrible about trying to keep you two apart and I just wanted to apologize.
George: What, wha, what're you talkin' about?
Elaine: Well, George, I just want you to hear me say to Anna that you're a good and decent person.
George: Pick up the phone, Elaine. Pick it up!
Elaine: I never should have given Anna the impression-
George: Pick it up, pick it up!
Elaine: -that you're a bad seed, I mean, you're a fine seed.
George: Elaine, get off the speaker! (Elaine picks up phone)
Elaine: What?
George: You are ruinin' everything.
Elaine: I'm trying to help. Why are you being so difficult?
George: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. More of that, difficult. I'm a difficult seed.
Elaine: George, I don't have time for this. Uh, Anna, do you wanna talk to George?
Anna: Um, no, I don't think so.
Elaine: No, she doesn't want to. Okay, bye, George. We'll see ya.
George: I'm a bad man!
Brody: So where's the tape?
Jerry: No, I didn't shoot this one. I'm just scouting the location.
Brody: I need the tape.
Jerry: You'll get your tape. But here's what I'm gonna need. I'm gonna need three cameras, two on the floor, one in the balcony. And I want headsets for the guys runnin' 'em. I wanna be able to talk to 'em.
Brody: Are you out of your mind?
Jerry: Kramer...
Kramer: I know, Jerry. It's okay. (Jerry steps aside) Yeah, look, Brody. Uh, Jerry wants to do the bootleg. He's dyin' to do it. But if you don't make him happy, the work suffers. And then, nobody's happy.
Brody: Just shoot the damn thing so I can get it out on the street!
Jerry: All right. That's it, I can't work like this.
Kramer: Jerry...
Jerry: I'm off the project. (He exits)
Kramer: Jerry!
Brody: I want the tape.
Kramer: Yeah.
George: Well, I'm the good boy again. Can you believe that?
Jerry: They think they can get anyone to shoot these bootlegs.
George: Anna actually has respect for me now. (laughs/snorts) It's all over.
Jerry: Eh, the whole business has changed. It's all about money now. The sad thing is it's the kids that suffer. (Kramer enters)
Kramer: Listen, man. You gotta shoot this movie for me. Brody, he's a reasonable man, but he's insane!
Jerry: Kramer, I'm not doin' this anymore. I don't know what I was thinking. It's illegal, it's dangerous...
George: Did you say dangerous?
George: I'm a bootlegger.
Anna: You're a what?
George: I'm bootleggin' a movie, baby!
Anna: Isn't that illegal?
George: I can do hard time for this one. And community service!
Anna: Is this your FiberCon?
George: (Takes it and throws it out window) Get outta my way!
Kramer: Jerry, George got arrested.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Yeah. He went down at the Beackman, he tried to lam, but they cheesed him.
Jerry: Oh now I see. (Buzzer) Yeah.
Brody: Brody, I'm comin' up.
Jerry: What're we gonna do?
Kramer: Well, I ah, gotta give him something. Come on, where's that tape I shot?
Jerry: I think that's it. (They play it and see Elaine dancing) Sweet fancy Moses!
Kramer: Jerry, she taped over the whole ending! (Brody enters)
Brody: Where's the tape?
Jerry: Uh, well. It, uh...
Brody: Is that it?
Kramer: Uh, yeah, yeah. Here it is, Brody. One copy of Cry Cry Again.
Brody: How'd it turn out?
Kramer + Jerry: Uh... great.
Kramer: Although the whole story kinda comes apart at the end there.
Jerry: Yeah, out of nowhere there's this lone dancer who appears to be injured.
Kramer: Yeah, it's a disturbing image.
Jerry: Yeah, so you cry... and when you see the dancing, you cry again.
Anna: (George is crying) It's all right, George. You'll just pay a fine and that'll be it.
George: Why did the policeman have to yell at me like that? (Elaine enters)
Elaine: Anna...
Anna: Oh, Elaine, thanks for picking me up. I can explain everything.
Elaine: All right. Well, we'll talk about it tomorrow at the office. (Mr. Costanza enters)
Frank: Okay, where's my boy?
George: Oh my God.
Frank: I'm sitting at home, reading a periodical, and this is the call I get? My son is a bootlegger? (He hits George in the head)
George: Ow! Dad...
Frank: Who put you up to this, was it her?
Elaine: All right. Wait a minute. I think you've got it backwards.
Frank: My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.
Elaine: You got that right.
Frank: What the hell does that mean?
Elaine: That means whatever the hell you want it to mean.
Frank: You sayin' you want a piece of me?
Elaine: I could drop you like a bag of dirt.
Frank: You wanna piece of me? You got it! (They begin to fight)
Jerry: But he's an old man, Elaine.
Elaine: Well, he wrote the check, and I cashed it.
Jerry: (Seeing a street vendor) Hey, it's the bootlegged Death Blow that I shot.
Elaine: Oh, Cry Cry Again, I wanna see that.
Jerry: No you don't.
Man: You shot Death Blow?
Jerry: Yeah.
Man: That was brilliant.
Jerry: Thank you. (They continue walking)
Elaine: You were big.
Jerry: I'm still big. It's the bootlegs that got small. So how are things at the office? Back to normal?
Elaine: Yeah, pretty much. Although I still get the vibe every once in a while.
Jerry: I wouldn't worry about it. (People on sidewalk behind them are doing her dance as they go)


Kramer: Well, I really miss the Bermuda Triangle.
Newman: I guess there's not much action down there these days.
Kramer: Oh, there's action. There's plenty of action. That damned alien autopsy is stealing all the headlines.
Newman: Yeah, tell me about it.
Kramer: See, what they gotta do is loose a plane or a Greenpeace boat in there. See, that would get the triangle going again.
Newman: What keeps the water in there? I mean, why doesn't it disappear?
Kramer: What would be the point in taking the water?
Newman: It's gorgeous water. (pause) Do we own Bermuda?
Kramer: No. It belongs to the British.
Newman: Lucky krauts.
Kramer: So, what do you think about that alien autopsy?
Newman: Oh, that's real.
Kramer: I think so too.
Attendant: The doctor will be with you in a moment.
Elaine: Difficult?
Doctor: Elaine. You shouldn't be reading that. So tell me about this rash of yours.
Elaine: Well it's, it's... You know I noticed that somebody wrote in my chart that I was difficult in January of 92 and I have to tell you that I remember that appointment exactly. You see this nurse asked me to put a gown on but it was a mole on my shoulder and I specifically wore a tank top so I wouldn't have to put a gown on. You know there made of paper.
Doctor: Well that was a long time ago. How about if I just erase it. Now about that rash...
Elaine: But it was in pen. You fake erase.
Doctor: All right Miss Benes. This doesn't look to serious. You'll be fine.
Elaine: What are you writing? Doctor.
Sheila: Here you go.
George: Thanks.
Sheila: I hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt.
George: Ohhhhhh
Jerry: No. All you got to do is jiggle it with this screwdriver.
George: Smile
Jerry: What are you doing?
George: I meet this women, Sheila. She works down at the one hour photo pace. She's got this incredible smile. Like she's got extra teeth or something
Jerry: Extra teeth. I love that look.
George: Hey check this out. I go to pick up my pictures and she says " I hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt."
Jerry: What mustard stain?
George: Don't you see. She's looking at my pictures.
Jerry: Why did you take a picture of a mustard stain?
George: That's got nothing to do with it.
Jerry: I see. She's looking.
George: Yesssss.
Kramer: Hey, you got to get this thing fixed.
Jerry: They've tried to fix it. But it keeps coming back the same.
Kramer: Would you like a refund?
Jerry: Well I can't the warranty expired two years ago.
Kramer: Would you be interested?
Jerry: Well how are you going...
Kramer: Would you?
Jerry: I guess I would.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah.
Elaine: You are not going to believe what happened to me at the doctors office today.
Jerry: Not the gown again.
Elaine: No, no. I was looking at my chart and it said I was difficult. Why would they write that?
Jerry: They have gotten to know you.
Elaine: Then the doctor writes more stuff down and doesn't even look at my rash.
George: Why don't you find a doctor that doesn't know your difficult.
Elaine: Oh come on. I'm not difficult. I'm easy.
Jerry: Why because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys.
Elaine: Listen to me you little shi....
George: Smile.
Doctor: Well Elaine you really didn't have to put on the gown.
Elaine: Oh it's my pleasure. I love these. In fact I got one at home. It's perfect when you just want to throw something on.
Doctor: All rightly. Let me just review your history before we begin.
Elaine: Where did you get my chart?
Doctor: From your last doctor. It's a standard procedure.
Elaine: You know I can tell you my whole history. Let's just....
Doctor: Okay. Let's take a look. Well that doesn't look to serious. You'll be fine.
Elaine: Please, please. It's really, really itchy.
Postal Worker Danny: Seinfeld?
Jerry: Yeah.
Postal Worker Danny: I got a package for you. Sign here.
Jerry: Who's it from?
Postal Worker Danny: No return address.
Jerry: What if I don't want it?
Postal Worker: Are you refusing delivery?
Jerry: Maybe I am.
Postal Worker Danny: Why would you do that?
Jerry: I've never done it before.
Postal Worker Danny: Why start now?
Jerry: Why not?
Postal Worker Danny: All right.
George: Why did you refuse the package. Everybody loves a package.
Jerry: I don't know it was weird. Crazy printing. I don't know who it was from.
George: What do you think it's a bomb?
Jerry: It's not totally impossible.
George: Oh the ego on you.
Jerry: Why can't I be bombable?
George: Who's going to bomb you. An airline for all the stupid little peanut jokes.
Jerry: I suppose you think your bombable.
George: Hey. There is a couple of people that wouldn't mind having me out of the way.
Jerry: There's more than a couple.
George: Hey. Check these out. I just picked them up from Sheila. She must have loved these.
Jerry: You don't have a Mercedes.
George: I know. I just sort of leaned on it so it would look like it was mine.
Jerry: The driver seems a little put out.
George: No. He was fine with it. Check that out.
Jerry: Is that Burt Reynolds?
George: Wax Museum.
Jerry: Oh.
George: Oh. What is this?
Jerry: That's a lot of skin.
George: This must be Sheila from the photo place.
Jerry: You can barely see her face.
George: She must have slipped it in here.
Kramer: I I I
George: Photo store Sheila.
Kramer: Well hello Photo store Sheila.
George: All right. I will see you boys later.
Jerry: Where are you going?
George: To ask her out.
Kramer: No, no. Your not playing the game.
George: What game?
Kramer: She goes to these lengths to entice you and your only response is " Gee I really like your picture. Would you like to go out on a date with me please. "
George: No good?
Kramer: George. It's the timeless art of seduction. You got to join in the dance. She sends you an enticing photo, you send her one right back.
George: Oh, I don't know.
Kramer: Well as you know I've always been something of a photog.
Jerry: Oh yeah I like this idea.
Uncle Leo: Hey Danny. Hello. How are you?
Postal Worker Danny: Hey Leo. Leo what's up with your nephew. He wouldn't except his package.
Uncle Leo: Oh He wants it. He's just trying to be funny. Yeah I'll sign it .
Elaine: And then he starts writing on my chart.
George: Well why don't you get a hold of it and change what you don't like.
Elaine: You can't change your chart. It's your chart.
George: I am in and out of my personnel file at work all the time.
Elaine: You are!?!
George: Hey. I've kept the same job for more than two years. It's not luck. Elaine, have you ever sent a racy photograph of yourself to anyone?
Elaine: Yeah. I sent one to everyone I know. Remember my Christmas card.
George: Oh yeah the nipple. But besides that. How did you feel about Kramer's work?
Elaine: Actually I thought he was very professional.
George: So it was a good experience.
Elaine: Oh yeah. In fact I like the picture so much I cropped out the nipple and am using as my health club ID.
George: Nice.
Elaine: Yeah it is nice actually.
Elaine: I need to see Dr. Burke right away. This rash is spreading.
Attendant: He can't see you Miss Benes, he's busy.
Elaine: Oh come on. Have some compassion. Okay well I hope it's contagious
Elaine: Come on. Move. (elevator doors reopen; Dr. Burke and two orderlies are revealed) Oh hi Dr. Burke. I didn't know if uh...
Dr. Burke: The chart Miss Benes.
Elaine: Oh please no more.
Jerry: Hey
George: Where's Kramer?
Jerry: He went to get some steak sauce. Why?
George: Personal matter.
Jerry: Hello
Uncle Leo: Jerry! It's your Uncle Leo! Hello!
Jerry: Hello Leo. You don't have to yell.
Uncle Leo: I got your package.
Jerry: How did you get my package?
Uncle Leo: What should I do with it?
Jerry: I don't know what you should do with it.
George: Tell him to open it.
Jerry: I am not going to treat my uncle like a bomb defusing robot.
Uncle Leo: Jerry, Your cousin Jeffrey is in the Parks Production of "The Mikado". I want you to go see it with me.
Jerry: Open the package Leo.
Uncle Leo: Okay. Opening.
Jerry: Opening.
(Through The Phone: BOOM!!!)
Elaine: So it wasn't a bomb.
Jerry: No, No bomb.
Elaine: Well then what?
Jerry: Oh stupid Leo was using one of those oven cleaners. He left the canister in there and the pilot light was on. The whole thing blew up.
Elaine: But he's okay?
Jerry: Yeah but the explosion singed off his eyebrows, mustache everything. He's all smooth now. Look's like a seal.
Elaine: Yeah I am still holding.
Jerry: Is this my stereo?
Kramer: Hey you got it.
Jerry: What happened to my stereo? It's all smashed up.
Kramer: That's right. Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I insured it for $400.
Jerry: But you were supposed to get me a refund.
Kramer: You can't get a refund. Your warranty expired two years ago.
Jerry: So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo?
Kramer: It's just a write off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write off?
Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: Write it off what?
Kramer: Jerry all these big companies they write off everything
Jerry: You don't even know what a write off is.
Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No. I don't.
Kramer: But they do and they are the ones writing it off.
Jerry: I wish I just had the last twenty seconds of my life back.
Elaine: What?!? He doesn't have one appointment this whole month!?! Oh come on. I am dying here man. Hello, hello.
Jerry: Still no luck
Elaine: Jerry I am at doctor Zimmerman. I am at the end of the alphabet.
Jerry: There's no Zorn or Zoutraph.
Elaine: There on vacation. Every doctor in this city seems to know who I am .
Jerry: Hey what about Dr. Resnick My Uncle Leo is going to see him tomorrow .
Elaine: Dr. Resnick. He's not listed.
Jerry: He's not that good.
George: Elaine said your pretty good at this stuff.
Kramer: Oh yeah. Elaine was a fun project. I enjoyed working with her.
George: You don't have your own camera.
Kramer: Uh no. Look at this. Okay yeah this looks good and I like what your wearing.
George: I feel fat.
Kramer: No, no. You're stoked. The camera loves stokedness. Look were not going to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. The key word is tasteful. Now I want you to relax and have fun because your a fun guy. All right let's do it. Okay come on. Feel the beat. Feel the beat. You know you got some real strong pecks but it's hard to tell under that T-shirt.
George: Well do you want me to take it off?
Kramer: I don't know it's up to you.
George: Do you think it would be better if I did?
Kramer: It might be. I mean whatever you want.
George: ALL RIGHT!!
Kramer: That's it George. Come on, come on. Give it to me. Come on,work it. Work it. Yeah be a man, be a man.
Kramer: You are a lover boy!!
Jerry: Oh yeah. This can't miss.
Elaine: Hello.
Guy: Is this Elaine Marie Benes?
Elaine: Yes. Who it this?
Guy: We are with the American Medical Association. Can you confirm the correct spelling of your last name? Is it B-e-n-e-s.
Elaine: Yeah. What is this all about
Guy: Good bye.
Elaine: Hello, hello.
Guy: What?
Elaine: Oh uh uh...
Guy: Get off the line. Were trying to make another call.
Uncle Leo: Elaine. Hello. What are you doing here?
Elaine: Leo. Has the doctor been in yet?
Uncle Leo: No. I am going to ask him about my eyebrows.
Elaine: Okay listen Leo. Your hairless, your scared. When the doctor comes in let me do the talking. Okay.
Dr. Resnick: Leo. I heard you had a little mishap.
Uncle Leo: It was a fireball.
Elaine: I should have never left him alone.
Dr. Resnick: And who are you?
Elaine: I am his nurse... Poloma.
Uncle Leo: You're not my nurse.
Elaine: He has good days and bad.
Dr. Resnick: What seems to be the problem?
Uncle Leo: Are my eyebrows going to grow back?
Elaine: And he's has a bit of a rash.
Dr. Resnick: Really.
Elaine: Yeah.
Dr. Resnick: Well there's been a bit of that going around lately. Will you excuse me Poloma. I just need to get some ointment.
Elaine: I don't like this, it is to easy.
Uncle Leo: Elaine...
Elaine: Shut up! I think he's on to us.
Uncle Leo: Elaine what about my eyebrows?
Elaine: Shhhhhh. Here.
Jerry: I don't like this Kramer. Will it be much longer?
Attendant: I am sorry. It looks like the claim has been red flagged. Your under investigation.
Jerry: Investigation?
Newman: Hello Jerry.
Jerry: Hello Newman.
Newman: Kramer you might as well run along. Jerry might be a while. Suspicion of mail fraud.
Kramer: Mail fraud. Your in a lot of trouble buddy.
Dr. Resnick: I got your ointment. Where's your nurse?
Uncle Leo: She left.
Dr. Resnick: No need to get angry. Calm down.
Uncle Leo: I am calm.
Dr. Resnick: Leo I don't care for your demeanor.
Uncle Leo: Demeanor?
Dr. Resnick: Now your just being difficult.
Uncle Leo: What are you writing?
George: So I really liked the pictures I picked up here yesterday.
Sheila: I am glad George.
George: And here's a roll that I think you may enjoy.
Sheila: Great.
George: Shall we say an hour.
Sheila: Hey Ron I got to go to lunch. Can you do a roll?
Ron: No problem.
Sheila: By the way. You know that model that is always in here. She's missing one of her lingerie shots. Have you seen it?
Ron: No.
Newman: All right. Then let me ask you this. Didn't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo. Huh. I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping.
Jerry: Define rarely.
Newman: Frequently.
Jerry: Are we about throw here Newman?
Newman: It's pretty hot under these lights huh Seinfeld. Pretty.... Hot .
Jerry: Actually I am quite comfortable.
Newman: Can I have a sip?
Jerry: No.
Newman: Not going to play ball. Huh all right. Admit it that stereo was all ready busted.
Jerry: You can't prove anything.
Newman: Is this or is this not your signature?
Jerry: No in a matter of fact it isn't.
Newman: Uncle Leo? This case is closed pending further evidence. Jerry.
Elaine: Get in there. Get chart. Get out. You got it.
Kramer: Yeah let me borrow your scarf.
Elaine: This.
Kramer: Yeah. All right one chart coming up.
Elaine: Okay.
Kramer: Bennette right?
Elaine: Benes. My last name is Benes you jackass. Yeah.
Newman: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.
Kramer: I like what you've done with that.
Attendant: May I help you?
Kramer: Yes, yes. I am Dr. Vanostran from the clinic. I need Elaine Benes chart. She's a patient of mine and she's not going to make it. It's uh very bad very messy.
Attendant: I see and what clinic is that again?
Kramer: That's correct.
Attendant: Excuse me.
Kramer: From The Hoffer-Mandale Clinic in Belgium.
Attendant: Really?
Kramer: The Netherlands?
Elaine: Where's my chart? Did you get it?
Kramer: No.
Elaine: What? What happened?
Kramer: I don't know. But now they got a chart on me.
Sheila: I don't know where they could be.
George: Can't find them. That's marvelous. The dance continues.
Sheila: Well if I find them I'll call you.
George: And maybe we could go out and do something.
Sheila: Sure.
Ron: Hello.
George: Hi.
Sheila: So the little guy finally asked me out.
Ron: Really?
Sheila: Hey I can't find his photo's anywhere.
Ron: Oh you know what happened. Some guy from the Post Office confiscated them. He left his card.
Sheila: Newman?
George: I don't know what Newman wanted to see me for.
Newman: Gentlemen, gentlemen. I am so happy to see you both. There is just some inconsistencies I'd like to straighten out.
Jerry: I'm clean and you know it.
Newman: Clean? Hardly. This looks like a man that isn't happy with his stereo performance.
Jerry: Where did you get that?
George: I think that's one of mine.
Newman: It looks like your breaking into it like an otter breaking into a clad.
Jerry: I don't know about that but I'm sure there is a explanation.
Newman: Yes. It's called mail fraud. Oohhhh. How I've longed for this moment Seinfeld. The day when I would have the proof I needed to hall you out of your cushy lair and expose to the light of justice as the monster that you are. A monster so vile...
Guy: NEWMAN!!
Newman: There will be a small fine.
Jerry: Okay.
George: Can we go now?
Newman: Not so fast pretty boy. There is more to this sorted little affair.
Jerry: Oh my god!!
Newman: This photo clearly indicates your involvement in some ill-conceived mail order pornography ring.As does this one found in the same disturbing packet.
George: OH MY GOD!!!
Newman: We have some questions we'd like you to answer.
Jerry: I have some questions of my own.
Sheila: Hi. One of your mailmen.... Oh my god, George!?!
George: Listen Sheila it's not what you think. I put my trust into the wrong person. He said the key word was tasteful.
Jerry: The timeless art of seduction.
George: SHEILA!!!


Woman: Well I started out working in mortgage bonds, but I just found that so limiting.
Jerry: My friend Kramer and I were discussing that same thing the other day. He was with Brant-Leland for a while.
Woman: Wow. Well then my mentor suggested that I move into equities, best move I ever made.
Jerry: Mentor? You mean your boss.
Woman: Oh, no no no, Cynthia's just a successful businesswoman who's taken me under her wing.
Jerry: Hmm. So Cynthia's your mentor.
Woman: And I'm her protg. You must have someone like that. You know, who guides you in your career path.
Jerry: Well, I like Gabe Kaplan.
George: I still don't understand this. Abby has a mentor?
Jerry: Yes. And the mentor advises the protg.
George: Is there any money involved?
Jerry: No.
George: So what's in it for the mentor?
Jerry: Respect, admiration, prestige.
George: Pssh. Would the protg pick up stuff for the mentor?
Jerry: I suppose if it was on the protg's way to the mentor, they might.
George: Laundry? Dry cleaning?
Jerry: It's not a valet, it's a protg.
George: Alright. Listen, I gotta get some reading done. You mind if I do this here? I can't concentrate in my apartment.
Jerry: (checking out George's textbook) Risk management?
George: Yeah. Steinbrenner wants everyone in the front office to give a lecture in their area of business expertise.
Jerry: Well what makes them think you're a risk management expert?
George: I guess it's on my resume.
Jerry: Hello?
Voice: Please hold for Elaine Benes.
George: You know what? I can't do this. I can't read books anymore; books on tape have ruined me, Jerry. I need that nice voice. This book has *my* voice. I hate my voice.
Jerry: So get this book on tape.
George: You can't, it's a textbook.
Elaine: Hey, Jer. Are you going to this Bob Sacamano party?
Jerry: Am I going? It was three nights ago.
Elaine: What? You're kidding, I just got this invitation today. Oh, I was so excited. It's really a beautiful invitation.
Jerry: Oh, it was a lovely affair.
Elaine: Wait a minute; this postmark is three weeks old. Man, this happens all the time. (Into intercom) Jeanine? Who the hell runs the mailroom?
Jeanine: Eddie Sherman.
Elaine: Alright, send him up here.
Jerry: You gonna do a little yelling?
Elaine: I'm gonna do a little firing.
Jerry: That is so cool, can you put me on the speaker?
Elaine: Oh yeah, sure. (hangs up) Gimme a break.
Jerry: Hey, Copernicus?
Jeanine: Eddie Sherman is here.
Elaine: Oh, great. Send him in.
Eddie: You wanted to see me?
Elaine: Eddie. Yes, um, I am so sorry but I'm afraid we're gonna have to... promote you.
Jerry: So, what did you say?
Elaine: Well, I called him all the way up to my office, so I had to tell him something important. So I promoted him.
Jerry: What? What did you-
Elaine: Copywriter.
Jerry: He's writing copy?
Elaine: Well it can't be any worse than the pointless drivel we normally churn out.
Kramer: Yowza yowza. Check it out.
Jerry: (reading) Jewish singles night?
Kramer: I expect you both to be there.
Elaine: I'm not Jewish.
Kramer: Well neither am I.
Jerry: Well why are you going?
Kramer: I'm not, I'm running it.
Jerry: What are you talking about?
Kramer: Well Lomez, he usually runs it but he's in the Everglades.
Jerry: Lomez is Jewish?
Kramer: Oh yeah yeah yeah. Orthodox, Jerry. Old school.
Elaine: (reading) At the Knights of Columbus?
Kramer: Yeah, Frank Costanza, he's getting me a room at his lodge. So Jerry, you know I'm really counting on you to come to this.
Jerry: Kramer, you know, I-
Kramer: No, Jerry, look I'm cooking all the food myself.
Elaine: (reading) A tempting schmear of authentic Jewish delicacies.
Kramer: Do you like tsimmis?
Abby: My mentor says the duck is outstanding here.
Jerry: I'm not really a duck fan, the skin seems sort of human.
Abby: Oh! Look who's here, Cynthia!
Cynthia: Hello, Abby.
Abby: Hello. Jerry, this is Cynthia Pearlman, my mentor.
Jerry: Hello.
Cynthia: Hi Jerry, nice to finally meet you.
Abby: Well come join us, we could pull up a chair.
Cynthia: Great, my boyfriend's just parking the car. Actually, Jerry, you
Jerry: No kidding?
Cynthia: Kenny Bania.
Jerry: Bania?
Bania: Hey, Jerry!! How's it going?! You gonna join us for dinner? The duck here's the best. The best, Jerry.
George: Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, I noticed that you have a textbook on tape. May I ask where you got that?
Man: Reading for the Blind. They can get any book on tape.
George: I tell ya, I am hooked on these books on tape.
Man: Oh, tell me about it. These things have ruined me for Braille.
Jerry: Reading for the Blind?
George: I take an eye test; I flunk it, the next thing you know I am swinging to the sweet sounds of risk management.
Jerry: So, I finally met the mentor.
George: What's she like? Impressive?
Jerry: Oh yeah, she's dating Bania.
George: Bania?
Jerry: Yeah. I had to spend two hours at dinner last night with that specimen.
George: What did you have?
Jerry: Chicken, how could she look up to a person who voluntarily spends time with Bania?
George: Marsala?
Jerry: Piccata, if anything I should be dating a mentor and Bania should be setting pins in a bowling alley.
Jerry: Hey, good luck with that.
George: Thank you.
George: Dad.
Frank: What are you wearing, an athletic sweat suit?
George: What are you doing here?
Kramer: Well, he came by to pick up his check for the banquet hall. You know I got a hundred and eighty-three responses? Oh, it's gonna be a rager.
Jerry: Kramer, how are you gonna cook Jewish delicacies for a hundred and eighty-three people?
Kramer: Yeah, you're right. That's a lot of pupkitz. Hey Frank, you know anybody who can help me cook?
Frank: Cook? No, I don't know any cooks. I don't know anything about cooking!
Kramer: What's the matter with him?
George: My dad was a cook during the Korean War. Something very bad happened, ever since you can't get him near a kitchen.
Kramer: Shell-shocked?
George: Oh yeah, but that has nothing to do with it.
Elaine: That's good work, guys. That aught to do it for today.
Eddie: Wait. You didn't ask me about my ideas.
Elaine: Oh, Eddie, well it's your first day.
Eddie: I'm ready.
Elaine: Oh, okay.
Eddit: (reading) It's a hot night. The mind races. You think about your knife; the only friend who hasn't betrayed you, the only friend who won't be dead by sun up. Sleep tight, mates, in your quilted Chambray nightshirts.
Elaine: What am I gonna do? He is a disaster.
Jerry: Well, if he's doing that bad, maybe he's in line for another promotion.
Elaine: You know what? You are exactly right. That is what I should do, I should promote him. I'll give him another office on another floor and he can sit there with his nice title and his bayonet and stop freakin' me out.
George: Nothing at all.
Doctor: Well George, your vision is quite impaired. If you'll just sign this insurance form, here's a pen.
George: You're a very handsome man, by the way.
Jerry: What the hell is going on here?
Jerry: What are you doing?
Kramer: I got three kitchens going. I got brisket going at Newman's, I got kugel working at Mrs. Zamfino's, this is kreplach. Here, try some of this.
Jerry: No, I don't want to.
Kramer: Eat, eat! You're skin and bones.
Kramer: Hah?
Jerry: Oh, this is awful.
Kramer: Jerry, it's kreplach. It's an acquired taste, yeah.
Jerry: Did you follow the recipe?
Kramer: The recipe was for four to six people; I had to multiply for a hundred and eighty-three people. I guess I got confused.
Jerry: It tastes like dirt.
Kramer: Well I also dropped it on the way over. Look I'm in trouble, I got no skills. I can't peel, I can't chop, I can't grate. I can't mince! I got no sense of flavor, obviously. You know, I gotta talk to Frank.
Jerry: Kramer, you can't talk to Frank.
Kramer: No I gotta talk to him, I know that he can help me, Jerry.
Abby: I think there's a dead animal in the elevator.
Kramer: My stuffed cabbage!
Abby: So, great dinner last night.
Jerry: Yeah, it was alright.
Abby: I told Cynthia we'd double with her and Bania Saturday and then catch his act.
Jerry: No. No, no way, no Bania.
Abby: What?
Jerry: Have you seen his act? He's got a twelve-minute bit about Ovaltine. He's a punk, a patsy, a hack.
Abby: Cynthia would not date a hack.
Jerry: Would. Does. Is.
Elaine: Before we get started, I am happy to tell you that Eddie Sherman is no longer writing for this catalog.
Elaine: He's upstairs, I made him Director of Corporate Development.
Employee: You promoted him?
Elaine: Well, no, I would hardly-
Employee: I bust my hump ever day.
Elaine: Relax-
Employee: As far as I'm concerned, you and your deranged protg can run the catalog by yourselves! I quit!
Elaine: Well, hey? Hey. Hey!!
Voice: Chapter one. In order to manage risk we must first understand risk. How do you spot risk? How do you avoid risk and what makes it so risky?
George: This guy sounds just like me.
Voice: To understand risk, we must first define risk.
George: This is horrible.
Voice: Risk is defined as-
George: (banging the recorder) Stop it! Stop it!
Kramer: C'mon Frank, I need you. I mean the war was fifty years ago.
Frank: In my mind, there's a war still going on.
Kramer: Alright, what happened, Frank? What is it that you can't get over?
Frank: Inchon, Korea, 1950. I was the best cook Uncle Sam ever saw, slinging hash for the Fighting 103rd. As we marched north, our supply lines were getting thin. One day a couple of GIs found a crate, inside were six hundred pounds of prime Texas steer. At least it once was prime. The Use date was three weeks past, but I was arrogant, I was brash, I thought if I used just the right spices, cooked it long enough...
Kramer: What happened?
Frank: I went too far. I over seasoned it. Men were keeling over all around me. I can still hear the retching, the screaming. I sent sixteen of my own men to the latrines that night. They were just boys.
Kramer: Frank, you were a boy too. And it was war. It was a crazy time for everyone.
Frank: Tell that to Bobby Colby. All that kid wanted to do was go home. Well he went home alright, with a crater in his colon the size of a cutlet. Had to sit him on a cork the eighteen-hour flight home!
Kramer: Frank, now listen to me. Two hundred Jewish singles need you. This is your chance to make it all right again.
Frank: No. No, I'll never cook again! Never! Now get out of my house!! Get out. Go.
Jerry: So you saw Bania's act?
Abby: He got two minutes into that Ovaltine thing and I just couldn't take it anymore.
Jerry: I told you, it's like getting beaten with a bag of oranges.
Abby: Why is he so obsessed with Ovaltine?
Jerry: He just thinks that anything that dissolves in milk is funny.
Abby: Anyway, Cynthia and I got into this big argument afterwards and I think it's over.
Jerry: No more mentor?
Abby: Looks that way.
Jerry: Well at least you and I are okay again.
Abby: Actually I was kind of thinking that maybe we shouldn't see each other for a while.
Jerry: Why?
Abby: Well I'm feeling a little disoriented. It's just weird for me not to have an advisor.
Jerry: I can tell you what to do.
Abby: No, it's more than that.
Jerry: I can tell you what to think.
Abby: I need someone I can trust.
Jerry: Oh.
George: I got a big problem here, Jerry. The tapes are worthless.
Jerry: Kind of in the middle of something here, George.
Jerry: George?
Abby: I gotta run anyway.
Jerry: I can't believe you feel you really need a mentor.
Abby: I just need someone who can give me some kind of direction. I'll see ya.
Jerry: Yeah, see ya.
Jerry: What's your problem.
George: No problem.
Eddie: Hey, I think I got something here. The Bengalese Galoshes.
Elaine: Oh.
Eddie: (reading) It's tough keeping your feet dry when you're kicking in a skull.
Elaine: You know, Eddie, that might be just a tad harsh for womenswear.
Eddie: Well, I'm not married to it.
Eddie: Dewy meadow.
Estelle: Here's your omelet.
Frank: It's dry.
Estelle: That's the way I always make it.
Frank: Well it sucks.
Estelle: What did you say?
Frank: Your meatloaf is mushy, your salmon croquettes are oily and your eggplant parmesan is a disgrace to this house!
Estelle: Well that's too bad, because I'm the only one who cooks around here!
Frank: Not any more! Gimme that spatula! I'm back, baby!
Abby: And you're sure with your busy schedule you'd have time to take on a protg?
George: I'll make time, because Abby, I was once like you; wide-eyed, naive, I didn't know the first thing about a subject as fundamental as risk management.
Abby: I'm not familiar with that, you'll have to explain it to me.
George: I'll tell you what, why don't you read this book and let's just see if you can explain it to me.
Abby: Alright.
George: Okay.
Bania: Hey Jerry.
Jerry: Oh, hey Bania.
Bania: Didja hear what happened? The mentor saw my act. She dumped me.
Jerry: Oh, that's too bad.
Bania: Maybe she's right. Maybe I am a complete hack. I'm the absolute worst. The worst, Jerry.
Jerry: Well it's just that you got so many things with the milk. You got that Bosco bit then you got your Nestl's Quik bit, by the time you get to Ovaltine-
Bania: You think you can give me a hand with my material?
Kramer: Hey.
Frank: You still need a cook?
Kramer: Oh yeah, come on in, Frank.
Frank: Ya got T-Fal?
Kramer: Keflon.
Frank: No! Follow me.
Bania: (reading) Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it round tine. That's gold, Jerry! Gold!
Elaine: Let's just replace "hail of shrapnel" and "scar tissue" with "string of pearls" and "raspberry scones".
Jerry: George Costanza is your mentor?
Abby: Yeah, he's great! I am learning so much.
Jerry: About what? How to calculate five percent of a restaurant check?
Abby: You know what your problem is? You just have no respect for the mentor/mentor relationship.
Jerry: As a matter of fact, I happen to have a protg of my own.
Abby: Who?
Jerry: A Mister Kenneth Bania.
Abby: Bania?
Jerry: I'm gonna mentor this kid to the top.
Abby: Huh, well, I don't think I want to date a mentor whose protg is a hack.
Jerry: Well, I don't think I want to date a protg whose mentor is a Costanza.
Elaine: I don't know how we did it, but there's some kind of chemistry between us, we turned out one hell of a catalog.
Eddie: Cool.
Elaine: Hey Ed, let me ask you something. What's with the fatigues and all the psychotic imagery? Huh?
Eddie: I don't want to talk about it.
Elaine: Come on, don't be a baby.
Eddie: I went out on a couple of dates with this woman, I thought she really liked me, and then things kind of cooled off.
Elaine: That's it?
Eddie: Well it's tough meeting somebody you like, let alone somebody Jewish.
Elaine: Mm. This food is fantastic.
Jerry: Have you tried the hamentashen?
Elaine: I can't get off the kishkas.
Bania: Hey Jerry!
Jerry: Bania?
Bania: I just stopped by to thank you. That risk management stuff you wrote for me? It's killer!
Jerry: Risk management?
Bania: Aw, it's gold, Jerry! Gold! I got all these corporate gigs and even Cynthia took me back.
Woman: So you went from the mailroom to the director of corporate development in two days?
Eddie: That's right.
Woman: How much are they paying you? I'll double it.
Kramer: Ya know these latkes are going like hotcakes.
Frank: Where's the powdered sugar?
Kramer: You know Frank, you could take a break.
Frank: No breaks. I fell reborn, I'm like a Phoenix rising from Arizona.
Elaine: You're quitting?
Eddie: I can't churn out that pointless drivel any more.
Elaine: Well, you can't quit, you're all I've got. I need you!
Voice: Our next speaker is George Costanza on the subject of risk management.
George: Ovaltine. Have you ever had this stuff? Why is it called Ovaltine?
George: They should call it round tine. You know what I'm talking about.
Wilhelm: (proudly, to the man seated beside him) He's my protg.
Frank: Noooo!!! Don't eat it! No good!"


Jerry: Hey, have you seen all these new commercials for indigestion drugs? Pepcid AC, Tagemat HB.
Elaine: Ugh, the whole country's sick to their stomach.
Jerry: Now, you know you're supposed to take these things before you get sick?
Elaine: What is this, a 'bit'?
Jerry: No.
Elaine: 'Cos I'm not in the mood.
Jerry: We're just talking. Is this not the greatest marketing ploy ever? If you feel good, you're supposed to take one!
Elaine: Yeah, I know that tone. This is a bit.
Jerry: They've opened up a whole new market. Medication for the well.
Elaine: (tired) Alright, are you done with your little amusement?
Jerry: (hopeful) Then you admit it was amusing?
Elaine: It was okay, but move the 'medication for the well' to the front, and hit the word 'good' harder.
Jerry: (thinking) Great. Thanks.
Elaine: So, your firm designed all the furniture in here?
Brett: We manufacture it. The original designs are by Karl Farbman.
Elaine: (as if she knows) Oh, Farbman.
Brett: You know Farbman?
Elaine: Mm, love Farbman.
Brett: Most people go their whole lives without sitting in a Farbman.
Elaine: Wuh, if you call that living. (laughs) Ahaha.
Elaine: Wouldn't it be great if Farbman designed shoes?
Elaine: Brett? Don't you think that would be great?
Elaine: Brett?
Brett: (still staring off) After the song, babe.
Elaine: Huh?
Brett: The song.
Jerry: So when do I meet this jerk?
Elaine: He's not a jerk, Jer. He only works with Karl Farbman.
Jerry: Who?
Elaine: (dismissive) I dunno, some designer. Anyway, Brett is so generous, and sensitive. Last night he was moved just listening to a song.
Jerry: What song?
Elaine: Desperado.
Jerry: Desperado?
Elaine: Uh huh.
Jerry: And you're still dating him? I tell you who sounds a little desperado.
Jerry: (pointing toward the guy) See that salesman, twirling that umbrella.
Elaine: Uh huh.
Jerry: I invented that.
Elaine: That, had to be invented?
Jerry: When I started out as a comedian, I sold umbrellas. It was my idea to twirl it, to attract customers.
Elaine: (skeptical) Oh hoh, really? Well, why don't we ask him about it?
Jerry: Elaine.
Elaine: Excuse me. Hey, how you doing. Uhm, my, uh, friend here says that he invented that little twirl you're doing.
Jerry: Elaine, please, it was a long time ago. The man doesn't want a history lesson.
Clicky: Teddy Padillac came up with this twirl.
Elaine: (looking at Jerry) Ohh.
Jerry: I know Teddy Padillac. I worked with him on Forty-eighth and Sixth.
Clicky: Yeah, that's where he come up with it.
Jerry: In his dreams.
Elaine: Alright, can we (glances at her watch) go?
Jerry: (to Clicky) By the way, you're doing it too fast. You'll disorient the customers.
Jerry: It's the twirling that dazzles the eye.
George: (pulls a face) I find it disorienting. Who buys an umbrella anyway? Y..you get 'em for free in the coffee shop in the metal cans.
Jerry: (as if speaking to a moron) Those belong to people.
Kramer: Hey. Well. (proffers the envelope) This was downstairs for you. Ker-ching.
Jerry: (taking the envelope) Oh no, not more checks. They're coming faster than I can sign 'em.
George: What checks?
Kramer: Oh, you didn't hear? Jerry's a big star in Japan.
Jerry: I don't know why. There's a one-second clip of me in the opening credits of some Japanese comedy show.
Kramer: Yeah, the Super Terrific Happy Hour.
Jerry: (opening the envelope and pulling out a stack of checks) They run it all the time, and now I'm starting to get all these royalty checks.
George: Look at all of those! You're rich!
Jerry: Naw. Each one is for like twelve cents. It's barely worth the pain in my hand to sign 'em.
Kramer: Hey, Jerry, you need any new furniture?
Jerry: Why?
Kramer: (getting a bottle of water out of the fridge) Yeah, well, Elaine's new boyfriend, you know. He's giving me this oversize chest of drawers. It's a Farbman.
George: He's giving you furniture? Who is this guy?
Jerry: Ah, who are any of her losers?
George: (dryly) You're on that list.
George: Alright, I gotta go home and open up with the house for the carpet cleaners. You know they're doing my whole place for twenty-five dollars.
Kramer: Oh, no, no, no. Not the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners?
Ego: Yeah, you heard of 'em?
Kramer: They're a crazy religious cult. The carpet cleaning is just a means for them to get into your apartment.
George: So? For a twenty-five dollar cleaning, I can listen to some pointless blather.
Jerry: I do it, I'm not even getting the cleaning.
Jerry: Signed over a hundred checks this morning.
Kramer: Hello, twelve dollars.
Mr Oh: Excuse me. Would you take picture please?
Kramer: (takes camera) Oh, yeah, sure.
Jerry: I'm gonna ask this guy something.
Jerry: (to umbrella guy) Hey. Nice twirl you got there. You know who invented that, don't you?
Kramer: (to tourists) Hey, are you folks from Japan.
Mr Yamaguchi: Hai.
Mr Oh: Yes.
Kramer: (points over to Jerry) You recognise that mug?
Kramer: That's the funny face that greets you at the beginning of the Super Terrific Happy Hour.
Mr Oh: Ahh, Super Terrific Happy...
Kramer: Ah, yeah. Yeah, that's him.
Mr Oh: What is he doing?
Kramer: Well, I don't know. But something super terrific, I'm sure.
Mr Oh: He's funny.
Kramer: Oh yeah, very funny. And it wouldn't be impolite to laugh at his antics.
Kramer: Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Because everybody laughs at Jerry here in America.
Crew Leader: (calling to George) We're pretty much finished.
Crew Leader: There's just one more thing.
George: (smiling expectantly) Here it comes.
Crew Leader: (clears throat) You forgot to sign your check.
George: (signs) Sorry. (expectant) You're sure, uh, there isn't anything else?
Crew Leader: (flat) No.
George: (let down) So, that's it?
Crew Leader: Unless you need a receipt.
George: (melancholy) I wish that was all needed. Life can be so confusing. I..I'm searching for answers, anywhere.
Crew Leader: (flat) Good luck with that.
Jerry: Hey.
Elaine: What's with the claw?
Jerry: Super terrific carpal tunnel syndrome.
Brett: (to Elaine) There's no sign of Kramer.
Elaine: Oh, Brett. (indicating) This is Jerry.
Jerry: Hi.
Brett: That's very funny. Elaine told me you were some kinda comedian.
Jerry: Ah, I'm one kind.
Elaine: Have you seen the chest of drawers that Brett gave to Kramer?
Jerry: The Fleckman.
Brett: Farbman.
Jerry: Right.
Elaine: You gotta see 'em. Beautiful.
Jerry: (not interested) Oh, I'm sure they are.
Brett: I'd be happy to get you some if that's what you're driving at.
Jerry: No. I'm fine, thank you.
Brett: Don't worry. It's no charge to you.
Brett: Looks like what you really need is a decent desk for writing your skits.
Jerry: (quiet annoyance) I don't write skits.
Brett: (walking back to Elaine) Well, of course you don't. You don't have a proper workstation. I'll fax you over my catalogue.
Elaine: Mmm. Brett, uhm, Jerry doesn't have a fax machine.
Brett: (quiet) Oops.
Brett: Well, I'm sure things'll pick up for you soon. Elaine, maybe we should get going.
Elaine: Oh. Jerry, you wanna join us?
Jerry: Oh, where you going? The coffee shop?
Brett: (scoff) Coffee shop? I think we can do a little better than that. You look like you could use a solid meal at a real restaurant.
Jerry: You look like you could use a...
Elaine: (warning) Jerry.
Kramer: (reads) Three hundred dollars. Hey, Mr Oh, how much would these run you in Tokyo?
Mr Oh: (thinks for a second) Ahh, about, uh, thirty thousand yen.
Kramer: (shocked) Thirty thousand?! These are practically free.
Kramer: Giddyup. You're a cowboy now.
Brett: I feel terrible about your friend Jerry. He's upset that I gave Kramer that chest of drawers, isn't he?
Elaine: Why? Why d'you think he's upset?
Brett: How could he not be? Living in that cramped little apartment. And outdated furniture, so terribly... un-Karl Farbman-like.
Elaine: (romantic) We're not gonna talk about Karl Farbman all night, are we?
Brett: (smiling) I hope not.
Elaine: (surprised) Brett? Everything alright?
Elaine: (worried) Brett! What is it? Is there someone outside?
Brett: Elaine, the song.
Elaine: (relieved) Oh. Oh, oh, phew. You know, for a minute there I thought it was like that urban legend about the guy with the hook who's hanging on the fender...
Brett: Elaine, could you just not talk for one minute?
Elaine: (apologetic, silently mouthed) Sorry.
Jerry: No spiel?
George: (annoyed) Not a peep. They just cleaned the carpets and left. Call themselves a cult!
Jerry: So you're angry that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to abduct you?
George: They could've at least tried!
Jerry: You know, maybe they thought you looked too smart to be brainwashed?
George: Please.
Jerry: Too dumb?
Jerry: (impressed) Well! Mack is back in town! Nice duds.
Kramer: Konichi-wa. Yeah, it's a gift from my Japanese friends. (sits beside Jerry) They're known as gift-givers. And tonight we're going dancing at the Rainbow Room.
Jerry: Sounds like you're throwing a lot of their money around.
Kramer: Well, Jerry, they're Japanese. I mean, that TV you watch, that sushi you eat, I mean, even that kimono you wear. Where to you think all that money goes, hmm?
Kramer: That's right.
George: How'd you hook up with these guys?
Kramer: Well, they recognised Jerry from the Super Terrific Happy Hour. See now, you should be doing your own show in Japan. Now, they get you.
Jerry: What kind of show am I gonna do in Japan?
Kramer: (to George) Alright, what'd you do with that pilot you did.
George: (excited) Yeah, the pilot!
Kramer: That's right, I think that had marvellous production values.
George: (enthusiastic) And, you know, I do a lotta business with Japanese TV. They broadcast a lot of American baseball. They got an office here in New York!
Jerry: Forget it! The pilot was awful. It failed.
George: (animated) It failed here! Because, here, every time you turn on a TV, all you see is four morons sitting round an apartment, whining about their dates!
Kramer: George is right, Jerry. See, here, you're just another apple, but in Japan, you're an exotic fruit. Like an orange. Which is rare there.
Tv Jerry: You had a date? You went out with my butler?! Who said you could go out with my butler?!
Tv Elaine: Well, why do I need your permission?
Tv Jerry: Because he's my butler.
George: (eager) So? What d'you think?
Executive 1: We're bit confused. Why was this man Jerry's butler?
George: Ah. You see, the man who was the butler, uh, had gotten into a car accident with Jerry, and because he didn't have any insurance, the judge decreed that the man become Jerry's butler.
Executive 1: Is this customary in your legal system?
Jerry: No. That's what makes it such a humorous situation.
Executive 1: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE Are you following any of this?
Executive 2: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE I'm still trying to figure out why they gave us a bag of oranges.
Executive 1: (to Jerry and George) I'm sorry. I'm sure Mr Seinfeld is very funny to Americans, but I'm not sure this butler show would work in Japan.
George: Oh, I, uh, I disagree. You've, uh, you've been living in America too long. (indicates the bag of oranges) You've forgotten what it's like to have no oranges.
Executive 1: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE Again with the oranges
Jerry: (flexing his fingers) Sorry. My hand is numb.
George: (positive) Yes. From endorsing checks for the Super Terrific Happy Hour. (laughs)
Executive 1: You must go now.
Elaine: Ah, I think I'm on the outs with Brett. I got shushed during Desperado.
Jerry: (throws out his hands) What does he listen to? The all Desperado station?
Elaine: He is just in his own world when he hears that song. It's like, I'm sitting there in the car, and he's.. out riding fences.
Jerry: You know, what you need is a song you can share.
Elaine: Yes. You're right. We need to find 'our' song.
Jerry: Okay. So, is there any song that you feel very strongly about?
Elaine: (points) I like Witchy Woman.
Jerry: Witchy Woman?
Elaine: You know, Witchy Woman. (sings) 'Ooo-ooh, wit-chay woman'.
Jerry: (getting it) Ahh. Wit-chay Woman.
Kramer: (to Jerry) Hey, man.
Elaine: Hey.
Jerry: Hey. How was the Rainbow Room?
Kramer: Uh, well, we, uh, we had to leave early. There was a, uh, slight monetary discrepancy regarding the bill.
Jerry: Ah.
Kramer: Uh, listen, uh, can I borrow some pillows?
Jerry: What for?
Kramer (O.C.): Yeah, well, uh, my Japanese friends're gonna stay with me.
Jerry: I thought they all had suites at the Plaza?
Kramer: Well, I'm sorry, Jerry, we all don't have checks rolling in like you do.
Jerry: Well, what about all that money from the kimonos I wear?
Kramer: Well, they ran out of it. Manhattan can be quite pricey. Even with fifty thousand yen.
Elaine: Fifty thousand yen? Isn't that only a few hundred dollars?
Kramer: Evidently. (To Elaine) Oh, by the way, tell Brett that his chest of drawers are a big hit. My guests are very comfortable in them.
Elaine: In them?!
Jerry: You have them sleeping in drawers?!
Kramer: Jerry, have you ever seen the business hotels in Tokyo? They sleep in tiny stacked cubicles all the time. They feel right at home.
Jerry: This has 'international incident' written all over it.
Kramer: (smiling) Oh yeah, yeah.
Kramer: Goodnight, Mr Tanaka.
Mr Tanaka: Goodnight.
Kramer: Goodnight, Mr Oh.
Mr Oh: (sits up) Goodnight.
Kramer: Goodnight, Mr Yamaguchi.
Mr Yamaguchi: (sits up) Oyasuminasai *(Japanese for goodnight)
Jerry: What is this?
Kramer: Rice Crispies. East meets West, Jerry.
Jerry: Ah. It's a lovely little bureau and breakfast you're running. Well, I'm off to the bank.
Kramer: (opening the fridge) Sayonara.
Jerry: (leaving) Konichi-wa.
Brett: Elaine, I...
Elaine: Shh-shh! (smiling) What d'you think?
Elaine: What are you doing? That's Witchy Woman. That could be our song.
Brett: Witchy Woman is okay for you, but I've already got a song.
Elaine: Oh. Oh, then how about Desperado? (smiling) We can share it.
Brett: (flat) No. It's mine.
Kramer: Here you go. Snap, crackle and pop.
Kramer: (loudly) Good morning, Mr Oh. I gotta make up the drawer.
Mr Oh (O.C.): Ach, come back in half hour.
Jerry: (calls) Hey, I'll take one.
Clicky: Well, look who's back!
Clicky: Teddy! (indicates Jerry) This's the guy says he invented the twirl.
Teddy: (unfriendly recognition) Jerry Seinfeld!
Jerry: Teddy Padillac. Long time, no see. (pointing at the umbrellas) What've you got in a push-button mini.
Teddy: (bitter) Same thing we had, when you bailed on us, fifteen years ago.
Jerry: Bailed? C'mon, you knew I wanted to be a comedian. Besides, we had some good time. Remember Tropical Storm Renee?
Teddy: (angry) Oh, yeah, sure. But where were you during the poncho craze of eighty-four? I almost lost my house.
Clicky: Umbrella, buddy?
Clicky: Now we got that damn 'urban sombrero' to contend with.
Teddy: (to Clicky) Easy, there. (to Jerry) I hear you're taking credit for the twirl.
Jerry: Aw, it was so many years ago. Who cares?
Teddy: (intense) I care. Clicky cares.
Jerry: So, could I...
Jerry: Could I just buy an umbrella?
Teddy: (sour) Yeah, sure. Two hundred dollars.
Jerry: (shock) What?!
Teddy: (caustically) Special price, for a real foul-weather friend.
Kramer: Hey, George. How about that tour, huh? These guys are ready to run the bases.
George: (indicating the window) Kramer, it's, it's raining. They got the tarp on the field.
Kramer: (quietly) Ah, listen, George, what else can I do with these guys? Now, bear in mind, they're a little light on the yen.
George: Well, I, I got the pilot of the Jerry show.
Kramer: (snaps his fingers) That's perfect. (to the Japanese) Hey, how would you guys like to watch Super Terrific Happy star Jerry Seinfeld?
Mr Oh: But, we are also very hungry.
Kramer: Oh, yeah, yeah. (feeds tape into VCR) Well, you guys just watch the tape and, uh, I'll get you some food.
Kramer: (shouts) Hey, peanuts!
Wilhelm: George. (waves George over) George.
Wilhelm: (puzzled) Uh, George, uh, did you call some carpet cleaners?
George: Are they here?
Wilhelm: They're in my office, right now.
George: (suspicious) They haven't said anything to you, have they?
Wilhelm: About what?
George: (to himself, resentful) What kind of a snobby, stuck-up, cult is this?!
Brett: (calls over) Hey Jerry!
Jerry: Oh, hi Brett.
Brett: Haven't you ever heard of an umbrella?
Jerry: Ah, I didn't have enough money.
Brett: I'm sure things'll pick up for you.
Jerry: No, it's not that, it's the...
Jerry: Oh no, look at the checks! Hours of hard work ruined!
Brett: Ah, don't worry, I can spot you the (reads) twelve cents?
Jerry: No, it's not the money. It's my hand. It's crippled from writing and writing.
Brett: Nothing's working for you, is is?
Jerry: (bitter) Not at the moment, Brett.
Brett: I'd give you a ride, but I got Karl Farbman here.
Jerry: (sarcastic) Thanks for stopping!
Elaine: Brett said you ran away from him, as if he were the boogetyman.
Jerry: Boogeyman.
Elaine: Boogey?
Jerry: I'm quite sure. Anyway, any luck getting together on a song?
Elaine: No. He blew out my Witchy Woman, and he won't share Desperado. Hey, what d'you think of Oye Como Va?
Jerry: (negative) Eehh.
Elaine: (desperation) Well, I'm running outta guys here in this city, Jer!
Jerry: Hey.
George: (excited) Great news! I showed the pilot to Kramer's Japanese friends. They loved it!
Jerry: Really? They bought the butler character?
George: (excited) Did I tell you that story's relatable?! That was a great show! That is why I'm bringing it back to NBC.
Jerry: NBC?
George: (little subdued) Nakahama Broadcast Corporation.
Jerry: Ah. But they told us we must go now.
George: But now I have my own market research. Actual Japanese viewers, that love the show! I'm gonna talk to Kramer.
Jerry: Hey, George, do me a favour. If they make you an offer, whatever it is. (vehement) Just take it!
George: Hey, by the way, what'd you think of Miss Yoshimura?
Jerry: Who?
George: The network executive. You think she liked me?
Kramer: Heyy! Look who's here.
Kramer: (beckoning to George) Come on, I want you to come in here.
Mr Oh: Come on in, fat boy!
George: Get a good night's sleep, alright fellas. (thumbs up) Big day tomorrow!
Jerry: (to himself) Last one.
Jerry: (agonised) Uugh! Ahh.
Kramer: There you are.
George: Uh. (smiles) Where's the boys?
Kramer: Uh, no, I let 'em sleep in.
Kramer: I'm on my way to cash in their plane tickets for them. They need a little food money.
George: (horrified) But that meeting starts in ten minutes!
Kramer: No, well, I set their alarm. But they did have a lot of sake in that hot-tub.
George: (frantic) I'm calling Jerry.
Jerry: Yeah?
George: (panicked and rushed) Jerry! The Japanese guys had sake in the hot-tub! You gotta get 'em outta the drawers and get 'em down here, or I don't have a focus group to sell the pilot to Japanese TV!
Jerry: (kidding) Uncle Leo?
George: (scream) Jerry!!
Jerry: Alright, alright. I'll wake 'em up.
Jerry: (to himself) Hmm, testy.
Jerry: Hello?
Mr Oh (O.C.): Mr Jerry! Open the drawer, please!
Jerry: It's stuck. (pained) Oww! The steam from the hot-tub musta warped the wood.
Mr Oh (O.C.): Pull harder.
Jerry: I'm trying. I can't get a grip. My hand's had kind of a bad week.
Mr Oh (O.C): Very funny, but no joking, please.
Jerry: (looks round) Don't worry, I'll get you out.
Elaine: Brett, believe me. You don't have to do this.
Brett: Elaine, I know he'll appreciate this. Granted, it's not as nice as Kramer's cabinet, but it's start.
Elaine: Uh, I promise you, Jerry is not jealous of Kramer's cabinet.
Jerry (O.C.): (yell) Move to the back of the drawers!
Elaine: Jerry?
Elaine: Jerry.
Brett: (shouting) Not the Farbman!!
Mr Oh: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE Jerry Seinfeld is a dangerous lunatic. He wouldn't let us out of the drawers. Then he came at me with an axe.
Executive 1: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE We suspect his friend here is also unbalanced.
George: So, uh, gentlemen, do we have a deal?
Mr Oh: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE Could we have a couple of those oranges?
Mr Oh: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE We are very hungry and have survived many hardships.
George: (to the executives) Excuse me. Did you hire the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners?
Executive 1: Yes. Cleaned up the (points) coffee stain, left by Jerry Seinfield.
George: Mr Wilhelm? Wha..what're you doing here?
Wilhelm: I'm here to clean the carpets. Most of the world is carpeted. And, one day, we will do the cleaning.
George: (incredulity) Him you brainwashed! (angry shout) What's he got that I don't have?!
George: (urgent) Mr Wilhelm, listen. You've been abducted! Please, Mr Wilhelm, you gotta listen to me!
Wilhelm: Wilhelm? (he raises the nozzle of his cleaner) My name is Tanya.
Executive 1: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE With these two idiots I don't know how the Yankees won the World Series.
Jerry: (apologetically) Brett, I'm, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hit you in the head with.. an axe.
Jerry: (defensive) At least it was just the handle!
Brett: It was a beautiful cabinet. What am I gonna tell...
Brett: I can't remember his name!
Jerry: Fleckman?
Elaine: Calm down Brett, okay. You could have a concussion. Calm down. (holds Brett's head and sings) 'Desperado, mmm-mm-mmm. You better...'
Elaine/Jerry: (singing) '...let somebody love you. Let somebody love you, before it's too...'
Nurse: His pulse is fine.
Doctor: Hmm. Looks like a minor concussion. Let me see what I can do to relieve the swelling.
Nurse: Doctor?
Nurse: (concerned) Doctor?
Nurse: (worried) Doctor?
Nurse: (alarm) Doctor, I think we're losing him!


George: Dollar Eighty-Nine. Why is this a dollar eighty-nine? Why is there no haggling in this country?
Jerry: I guess we like to think we've progressed beyond a knife fight for a citrus drink.
George: Not me. Everything should be negotiable. (he picks up a container of fruit)
Jerry: Restaurants too?
George: Absolutely. You're telling me there's no room to move on pasta. All starches are a scam.
Jerry: Yea especially Ziti, with that big hole.
George: Ahh, Excuse me, how much is this?
Worker: Dollar nineteen.
George: I'll give you a quarter.
Worker: Get the hell out of here.
Jerry: Tell him forty and no fork.
George: Thirty.
Worker: That's it you leave and never come back!
Jerry: How about we leave and, come back in a week?
Worker: Deal! (turns and walks into the market)
George: Alright see? We got something there.
Kramer: Awe check it out.
Jerry: Wow. Kenny Rogers Roasters. Finally open. Hey, look at the size of that neon chicken on the roof.
Kramer: Roger's can't sell chicken around here, we got chicken places on every block.
Jerry: He is the gambler.
Kramer: Well, (rubs hands) I gotta meet Newman at the pet store. Helping him pick out a turtle.
Jerry: Try and stay calm.
Kramer: Yea, yea.
Man: Hey Jerry.
Jerry: Seth! Wow what has it been like five years?
Seth: At least.
Jerry: You wanna grab lunch?
Seth: Ah, I'm actually headed back to the office.
Jerry: Seth, it's me. What's more important than catching up with an old college buddy?
Seth: Well I am, supposed to be in this meeting.
Jerry: Blow it off. Remember Poli Sci? How many of those did we go to?
Seth & Jerry: Alright, alright.
Jerry: Hey whatever happened to Moochie?
Seth: He's dead.
Jerry: Is that right?
George: You know I still don't know how you can call lunch with me a business expense.
Elaine: What do you think of the catalog?
George: It stinks.
Elaine: There, we just talked business.
Sales Woman: We do have the down comforter and the cookware you liked.
Elaine: Oh great, put it all on the Peterman account with the other stuff.
Sales Woman: You know what else we have that you might like?
Elaine: I'll take it.
George: Hey, you like?
Sales Woman: I think it looks very nice on you.
George: Really? (feeling flattered)
Sales Woman: Hmm.
George: Elaine, huh... Peterman account?
Elaine: Why not? (To the Sales Woman) And some hair for my little friend here.
Seth: So how's your stand up career?
Jerry: Good, as a matter of fact. I almost had my own show in Japan.
Seth: Do you speak Japanese?
Jerry: No
Seth: So you would have done it in Japan, but in English.
Jerry: I don't know. So what's this job of yours?
Seth: Big investment firm.
Jerry: Mmmm.
Seth: We just got the Citibank account. In fact today was our first big meeting with them.
Jerry: The, the meeting you blew off?
Seth: Yea.
Jerry: Wasn't that kind of important?
Seth: Yea.
Elaine: ...and I brought I whole new set of cookware, and a Water Pik.
Jerry: You use a Water Pik?
Elaine: Sure. Water Pik, floss, Plax, brush, Listerine.
Jerry: So you go in the bathroom at eleven your in bed by what, two?
Elaine: Well, at the latest. Oh hang on a second, I gotta another call.
Elaine: Hello?
Man: Good day Ms. Benes. Its Roger Ipswitch.
Elaine: Oh hey! How things doing in accounting?
Roger: Ms. Benes, I notice you've been charging quite a bit of merchandise on the Peterman account.
Elaine: Well, I am the President.
Roger: Yes, and we're all very impressed. Never the less, the expense account is for business purposes only.
Elaine: Well, well isn't the president allowed to do anything that they want?
Roger: No. I'll be in your office first thing tomorrow. Good day. (hangs up the phone)
Elaine: Good day.
Jerry: Hello. Anybody?
George: Hey.
Jerry: Hey. Why didn't cha get the big one?
George: This hat just bottles in the heat, I -I don't even need a coat! It's unbelievable!
Jerry: I don't believe it.
George: Ah, and I got a date with the sales woman. She's got a little Marisa Tomei thing going on.
Jerry: Ahh, too bad you got a little, George Costanza thing going on.
George: I'm going out with her tomorrow, she said she had some errands to run.
Jerry: That's a date?
George: What's the difference? You know they way I work. I'm like a commercial jingle. First it's a little irritating, then you hear it a few times, you're hummin it in the shower, by the third date it's (sings) "By Mennen!".
Jerry: How do you make sure your gonna get to the third date?
George: If there's any doubt, I do a leave-behind. Keys, gloves, scarf - I go back to her place to pick it up...(pop sound) date number two.
Jerry: That is so old. Why don't you show up at her door in a wood horse?
Jerry: (sings theme) "By Mennen." What the?...
Jerry: What's going on in there?
Kramer: What?
Jerry: That light!
Kramer: Oh the red. Yeah, Its the chicken roaster sign. You know, its right across from my window.
Jerry: Can't you shut the shades?
Kramer: They are shut. Oh by the way, your friend Seth, he stopped by.
Jerry: Oh yeah? What'd he have to say?
Kramer: Yeah, he was fired.
Elaine: Well, as you can see the comforter I expensed is actually the Aristotle goose down tunic. (laughs, modeling the comforter) What do you think?
Roger: Another bulls eye.
Elaine: Hmm. Well Mr. Ipswitch since everyone of my expenses was obviously for a legitimate business purpose.
Roger: I just need to see the sable hat you purchased yesterday.
Elaine: The hat? Why do you need to see the hat?
Roger: It costs eight-thousand dollars.
Elaine: What?
Elaine: Ohh. (trying to control the Water Pik and shut it off.)
Jerry: Seth, if you knew the meeting was so important why did you go the lunch with me?
Seth: We're old college buddies.
Jerry: I only knew you through Moochie.
Seth: Hey Jerry don't worry about it all right. The important thing is, is we got to catch up. Mind if I ah, grab the want ads?
Jerry: Um, actually I haven't read Tank McNamara yet. (takes the paper back)
Jerry: How's life on the red planet? (shuts door)
Kramer: Its killing me, I can't eat, I can't sleep. All I can see is that giant red sun in the shape of a chicken. (gets some cereal from the cubard and pours it in a big bowl)
Jerry: Well, did you go down to the Kenny Rogers and complain?
Kramer: Ah, they gave me the heave ho. You know, I don't think that Kenny Rogers has any idea what's going on down there.
Jerry: What are you doing?
Kramer: Getting some cereal
Jerry: That, that's tomato juice.
Kramer: That looked like milk to me! Jerry my Rods and Cones are all screwed up! Alright, that's it. I gotta move in with you Jerry.
Jerry: I don't know Kramer, ahh, my concern is that ...
Jerry: ..living together after a while we... we might start to get on each others nerves a little.
Kramer: Alright listen to me, I got a great idea. Now, you're a heavy sleeper, right? Why don't we just switch apartments?
Jerry: Or I could sleep in the park? You could knock these walls down, make it an eight room luxury suite.
Kramer: Jerry these are load bearing walls, they're not gonna come down!
Jerry: Yea, that's no good.
Kramer: I may have to drive that place out of business.
Jerry: How you gonna do that?
Kramer: Like we did in the sixties, takin' in to the streets.
Heather: Thanks George, but I got it from here.
George: Oh no I'm in already come on.
George: So eh, you eh, wanna get together tomorrow?
Heather: No, I'm gonna be pretty busy.
George: What about this weekend?
Heather: I'm gonna be busy for a while.
George: OK, ah.. (George throws his keys on the table) see ya!
Heather: Hey, you forgot your keys.
George: Oh, those, those aren't my keys.
Heather: Well they're not mine.
George: Oh. Ha. They are my keys, how weird. (laughs)
Heather: Goodbye George.
George: Yea bye.
Heather: George, Bye! (picks up phone) Hello? You are not going to believe the date I just had.
George: (sings) Co-stan-za. (like "By Mennen")
Elaine: What do you mean you don't have the hat?
George: I left it at Heather's. Are these alive? (pounding on glass display)
Elaine: No dead! George, I need that Russian hat back!
George: Alright, alright, I'll call Heather, you'll get your hat back, I will get a second date. Ha ha ha. Now watch the magic.
Elaine: Dial 9- MERLIN.
Heather: Hello?
George: (clears throat) Heather Hi, it's George Costanza.
Heather: Oy!
George: Ah, listen ah, I don't mean to bother you but ah, silly me, I- I think I may have left my hat in your apartment. So ah, I thought I'd just come by later and pick it up.
Heather: You didn't' leave a hat here.
George: I- I'm pretty sure I left it eh, behind the cushion of the chair ... accidentally.
Heather: No hat. George I gotta go.
George: Ah, a, You know what, maybe I'll just come ... umm, yummm (stammering)
Jerry: Seth?
Seth: Jerry Hi! What do you think?
Jerry: I think your taking the trash out for this chicken place, but that couldn't be.
Seth: Yeah, I'm the new manager
Jerry: But your were an executive, this is fast food.
Seth: Not fast food, good food quickly. Hey, next time lunchll be on me, huh Jer.
Kramer: Hey, stay away from the chicken. Bad, bad chicken, mess you up.
Seth: That's not going to be good for business.
Jerry: That's not going to be good for anybody.
Kramer: Jerry Im so glad we switched apartments. It was a perfect solution.
Jerry: Look Kramer, i-i-if I'm gonna live over there, y-y-you gotta take some of this stuff out. I mean this thing is really freaking me out (holds up a ventriloquist dummy). I feel like its gonna come to life in the middle of the night and kill me.
Kramer: What, Mr. Marbles? He's harmless.
Jerry: And one other thing, I don't want Newman using my...
Jerry: Oh no.
Newman: Nice place you got here Kramer ...
Kramer: Yeah.
Newman: ... a man can really get some thinking done. (sits on couch, next to Kramer.)
Jerry: Well don't get too comfortable. As soon as Seth gets a real job you two are gong back in that chicken supernova.
Kramer: What is that Roger's Chicken? Oh get that outta here.
Newman: I don't know. The man makes a pretty strong bird.
Kramer: Well I'm boycotting it.
Newman: (eating) hm.
Kramer: What is that, hickory?
Newman: Yea, it's the wood that makes it good.
Kramer: Really?
Newman: Uh-Huh.
Kramer: Oh stop it. (he slaps Newmans shoulder) Whats the matter with you.
Kramer: Mmmmm.
Heather: Can I help you?
Elaine: Hi, yeah, I'm Elaine Benes, we met at Barney's...
Heather: Oh.
Elaine: ... I'm a friend of George Costanza's. (while she is talking, she is dragging George in by pulling his ear)
George: Hi.
Elaine: Ah, (releases Georges ear) whether you're aware of it or not George had this pathetic little plan to, leave something behind so he could weasel a second date.
Heather: Really?
Elaine: I know, he- he has a real confidence problem.
George: Well not really...
Elaine: George...
George: Ah... (quietly)
Elaine: ... Anyway I know you told him you didn't have the hat because you didn't want to see him again. And, more sympathetic I could not be. But, I really do need to have the hat back.
Heather: Look, I don't know what to tell you, but there's no hat here. I mean, maybe the maid took it, I had people over, but...
George: Well that makes sense.
Elaine: Well then you wouldn't mind if we took a second look around?
Heather: Be my guest.
George: Good to see you again.
George: She's bluffing...
Elaine: Uhhh...
George: ... She's got it stashed away in there somewhere.
Elaine: This is an absolute disaster.
George: Oh I don't know. Check this out.
Elaine: You stole her clock?
Elaine: Well done. (pats George on the shoulder)
George: Yep, this one for our side!
Jerry: (Thinking) What is that creaking, its like I'm in the hold of a ship. Gotta relax.
Jerry: (startled - eyes wide open) Hello, is somebody there? (scurrying sound) Mr.- Mr. Marbles?
Elaine: So I told Ipswitch I'd have the hat by this afternoon. What am I gonna do?
Kramer: You should sleep with him.
Jerry: Hey buddy. I'm on no sleep, no sleep!. You don't know what it's like in there, all night long things are creaking and cracking. And that red light is burning my brain!
Elaine: You look a little stressed.
Jerry: Oh I'm stressed! (makes like Kramer, outstretching his arm. Jerry heads for the freezer for some ice cream.)
Elaine: So Kramer what am I supposed to do? If I don't have that fur hat by four o'clock they're gonna take me down like Nixon.
Jerry: You know my friend Bob Sacamano?
Elaine: I thought he was Kramer's friend.
Jerry: Well, he called last night about 3 a.m. and we got to talking, he sells Russian hats down at battery park, forty bucks.
Elaine: Forty bucks? Are they Sable?
Jerry: No, but the difference is negligible.
Kramer: Oh yea, I like this idea. (sounding very much like Jerry)
Elaine: Alright, lets give it a shot, lets go.
Jerry: Giddee up!
Newman: It's getting cold, it's getting cold.
Kramer: That was a close one.
Newman: Well why do we have to keep this from Jerry?
Kramer: Because if Jerry finds out that I'm hooked on Roger's chicken I'm back there with the red menace.
Ipswitch: Ms. Benes the hat you charged to the company was Sable, this is Nutria.
Elaine: w-w- Well, that's a -ah, its kind of Sable.
Ipswitch: No, its a kind of rat.
Elaine: That's a rat hat?
Ipswitch: And a poorly made one, even by rat hat standards. I have no choice but to recommend your prompt termination to the board of directors. Nothing short of the approval of Peterman himself will save you this time.
Elaine: But, but, he's in the Burmese jungle.
Ipswitch: And quite mad too from what I hear.
Elaine: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Can I fire you?
Ipswitch: No.
Kramer: So Heather called?
George: Yeah, but get this, the message said 'call me if you have the time'. Heh heh if I have the time, you get it?
Kramer: No, but this is all very exciting. (sounding very much like jerry)
George: She knows that I have her clock. I know that she has my hat. I think she's getting ready to make an exchange.
Kramer: Well there is the possibility that you've gone right out of your mind.
George: I've looked at that, seems unlikely.
Kramer: I'd look again. So ah, how come you didn't call Jerry about all this?
George: Jerry, I can't talk to Jerry anymore. Ever since he moved into that apartment he's too much ... like you.
Kramer: Hmm. That's a shame.
Jerry: Seth, you're the manager, can't you turn off that sign?
Seth: Jerry I lied. I'm just an assistant manager.
Seth: (On loud speaker) Number sixty seven, family feast.
Newman: Number 67, right here, right here!
Jerry: Hello Newman.
Newman: Hello Jerry.
Seth: And don't forget your steamed broccoli.
Jerry: Hold it. Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce.
Newman: I love.. broccoli, its, good for you.
Jerry: Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?
Newman: Gladly. (starts munching on the broccoli, then spits it out)
Newman: Vile weed!
Jerry: It's Kramer isn't it? I knew it! The greasy door knob the constant licking of the fingers, he's hooked to the chicken isn't he?
Newman: Yes, Yes, now please. Someone, honey mustard.
Kramer: Newman, what took you... ah hey, hey
Jerry: Expecting Newman? That's funny because I just happened upon him down at the Kenny Roger's Roasters.
Kramer: Oh, shh, Kenny Roger's? Whew, boy, I hate that place.
Jerry: He was buying quite a load of chicken, almost for two people ...
Kramer: Oh
Jerry: ... as long as one of them is not him.
Kramer: (laughs) Oh hey, you know Elaine, ah she stopped by...
Jerry: Uh-ha.
Kramer: ... Yeah dropped off that Bob Sacamano hat. Oh she's ah, upset at him, oh yes siree. Yeah well thanks for stopping by.
Jerry: I sure do miss my apartment. Maybe I'll switch back.
Kramer: Oh you don't want to think about that no sir. Otherwise I'd have no choice but to put that banner back up and eh, he-he-hwow, run that Roger's right out of town.
Jerry: I don't think you will. As a matter of fact I'll save you the trouble. I'll do it myself.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah go ahead yeah, put the banner up doesn't matter to me.
Jerry: All right. (opens door - Red light floods hallway - a buzzing sound emanates.)
Kramer: No Jerry! I - I need that chicken, I gotta have that chicken. Now you leave those roasters alone. Kenny never hurt anybody.
Jerry: You got a little problem.
Kramer: Oh I got a big problem Jerry!
Boy: Here, kneel here.
Elaine: What?
Boy: Kneel.
Elaine: Kneel?
Peterman: Elaine.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman.
Peterman: Jaba! Bagama ma Jaba. Olymala Hungui. (The boy runs out of the room)
Elaine: You speak Burmese?
Peterman: No Elaine, that was gibberish.
Elaine: Ah.
Peterman: So did you have any trouble finding the place?
Elaine: No, you're the only, white poet warlord in the neighborhood. (laughs)
Peterman: Are you an assassin?
Elaine: I - I work for your mail order catalog.
Peterman: You're an errand girl, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill.
Elaine: Well actually um, I do have a bill here. If you could just sign, this expense form, I think I could still make the last fan boat out of here.
Peterman: I'd be happy to Elaine (he starts reading the form as she hands him a pen)... but I will have to see this hat.
Elaine: Right... (nodding)
George: So how do you want to do this?
Heather: Alright George, I'll be honest. The first time we went out, I found you very irritating. But after seeing you a couple of times, you sorta got stuck in my head, (sings) Ca-stan-za! (like "By Mennen") (laughs)
George: So you - you really don't have my hat?
Heather: What?
George: Uh, le - let's go do, something.
Heather: What's in the bag?
George: Oh that's eh, that's a sandwich.
George: ...ah (picks up the bag) Damn salami.
Heather: (grabs the bag) My clock, you stole it!
George: That damn delicatessen that - that is last time they screw up one of my orders.
Jerry: Hey Seth. Man it is coming down hard out there.
Jerry: Oh, gross. That's not gonna be good for business.
Seth: That's not gonna be good for anybody.
Kramer: (his mouth is very full) Kenny? ... Kenny?
Kramer: (quietly and staring across the street) Kenny ... Kenny .... Kenny
Jerry: Home at last. Ahhhh. (light turns off)
Jerry: Is someone there?
Jerry: Mr. Marbles?
Elaine: This the Urban Sombrero, I put it on the last catalog cover.
Peterman: The horror ... the horror.
Definitions Of Several Items In The Chicken Roaster Episode:
Http: //www.nutria.com/site.php
Http: //www.nationaltrappers.com/nutria.html