Jerry (To Waitress): Cup of tea with lemon.
George: What happened to your voice?
Jerry: I was screamin' at hecklers all night. The last time I open for a rodeo.
George: Well, Jerry, I been thinkin'. I've gotten as far as I can go with George Costanza.
Jerry: Is this the suicide talk or the nickname talk?
George: The nickname. George. What is that? It's nothing. It's got no snap, no zip. I need a nickname that makes people light up.
Jerry: You mean like...Liza!
George: But I was thinking...T-bone.
Jerry: But there's no "t" in your name. What about G-bone?
George: There's no G-bone.
Jerry: There's a g-spot.
George: That's a myth.
Jerry: T-bone, the ladies are gonna love ya.
Elaine: Why did they hire you for a rodeo?
Jerry: They heard I opened for Kenny Rogers once.
Elaine: Didn't he throw you off a bus in the middle of Alabama or-
Jerry: Oh, I had that comin' to me.
Elaine: You know, Kenny Rogers has a-
Elaine (Whispering): Why did you get a maid?
Jerry: You don't have to whisper. She knows she's a maid.
Elaine: Where did you get her?
Jerry: I hired her from a service!
Maid: All done.
Jerry: Thank you. Nice job.
Maid: Is this mine?
Jerry: Yeah.
Jerry: What?
Elaine: Come on, Jerry. You didn't notice?
Jerry: Notice what? She's not really even a maid.
Elaine: Oh.
Jerry: She wants to be an actress...or a, uh, model...or a dancer...or a...news woman.
Elaine: Uh-huh. News woman. Yeah.
Kramer: Hey. Well, bad news, boys. My life is over. My girlfriend's movin' away.
Jerry: You have a girlfriend?
Kramer: Jerry, where have you been?
Jerry: At a rodeo. Where's she moving?
Kramer: Downtown.
Elaine: Downtown New York?
Kramer: Yeah. I don't know if I can handle one of these long-distance relationships.
Jerry: It's like 10 minutes by subway.
Kramer: I don't know.
Kramer: Oh! Jeez! Well, you've got a maid. It's a whole different world downtown- different Gap, different Tower Records, and she's a 646.
Elaine: What? What is that?
Jerry: That's the new area code. They've run out of 242s, so all the new numbers are 646.
Elaine: I was a 718 when I first moved here. I cried every night.
Kramer: Listen. Heads up, Elaine. I'm gonna have to stop by later and pick up a fax.
Elaine: At work?
Kramer: No. At your apartment.
Elaine: I don't have a fax machine.
Jerry: Here we go.
Kramer: Well, now what are we gonna do? (to Jerry) See? This is why you should get a fax and a Xerox.
Jerry: And a dead bolt.
Elaine: Then maybe you have a fax machine.
Kramer: You just blew my mind.
Kruger: Let's order lunch.
Kruger: Mary, I will have a chef's salad.
Male Worker: Turkey sandwich.
George: T-bone steak.
Kruger: For lunch?
George: Well, I am just a T-bone kinda guy. Love that T-bone. In fact, you might as well call me-
Watkins: That sounds good. I'll have one, too.
Kruger: Watkins, you're havin' a T-bone?
Watkins: I love 'em.
Kruger: Well, then we should call you T-bone.
George: Uh, no. No, we shouldn't.
Kruger: T-bone!
All (Chanting): T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone!
Elaine: Hello?
Elaine: What?
Machine: You have 57 messages. Message one...
Machine: Message two...
Machine: Message three...
George: Hey, it's George. Listen, I-
Machine: Message four...
Ealine: Hello?
Elaine: Aah!
Jerry: Well Cindy, the place looks great.
Cindy: Thanks Jerry, gotta run.
Jerry: Ok, I'll see ya.
Cindy: Hi, Elaine.
Elaine: All right! You're foolin' around with your maid. That is a wise decision.
Jerry: Elaine, do you think I would go willy-nilly into a situation so obviously fraught with potential complications?
Elaine: You are paying a woman to come to your house and sleep with you.
Jerry: No. I pay her to clean. The rest is-
Elaine: What? A health plan?
Jerry: I was going to say, "Being a good host."
Elaine: Oh-ho-ho. Oh.
Jerry: But the point is we have our personal relationship, and we have our work relationship. They're separate and, I think, some what sophisticated.
Elaine: So you consider this a relationship?
Jerry: Yes, I do.
Elaine: Oh. Have you been out?
Jerry: Yes, we have.
Elaine: Where did you go?
Jerry: The store.
Elaine: Mm! To get what?
Jerry: Stuff.
Elaine: Cleaning supplies?
Jerry: And gum.
Elaine: Oh. Well, there's nothin' more sophisticated than diddlin' the maid and then chewin' some gum.
Jerry: She's not a maid. She might be a news woman!
Kramer: Hey. Well, I just saw Madeline off. Yeah. She's in a cab and-nguh nguh nguh-on her way. I miss her already.
Elaine: Hey, Kramer, what was it you were having faxed to my house every 30 seconds?
Kramer: Well, I signed up for a food delivery service, Now We're Cookin'. That's a play on words. You know, they're faxing me the menus from some restaurants.
Elaine: Which ones?
Kramer: Well, all of them. It's the deluxe package.
Elaine: So this is never gonna stop?
Kramer: Well, it better not. Paid for the whole year. So, should I pick those up later?
Elaine: You can pick 'em up right now.
Kramer: Ah!
Elaine (Thinking): I wonder if anyone knows he's here. If he just disappeared...would anybody notice?
Phone Man: All right, miss Benes, all finished. Here's your new number.
Elaine: Ahem. 646? What is this?
Phone Man: That's your new area code.
Elaine: I thought 646 was just for new numbers.
Phone Man: This is a new number.
Elaine: No, no, no, no. It's not a new number. It's-it's-it's just a changed number. See? It's not different. It's the same, just...changed.
Phone Man: Look, I work for the phone company. I've had a lot of experience with semantics, so don't try to lure me into some maze of circular logic.
Elaine: You know, I could've killed you, and no one would've known.
Phone Man: I could've killed you, and no one would've known.
Jerry: Kramer, you're still on the phone?
Kramer: Madeline and I are watching Quincy together. Jerry, you know this comes on at the same time here as it does there?
Jerry: Really? It's Tuesday here. What day is it there?
Kramer (Into Phone): Jerry's teasing. Uh-oh! Commercial. Oh, you going to the bathroom? Yeah. I'll go, too.
Jerry: Madeline stays here.
Jerry: Hey, T-bone!
George: No. No T-bone.
Jerry: No T-bone?
Kramer (From Bathroom): Hey, is that T-bone?!
Jerry: No! There's no T-bone!
Kramer: Well, why no T-bone?!
Jerry: Why no T-bone?
George: 'Cause Neil Watkins from accounting is T-bone!
Kramer: Oh, yeah I'm back. Hey, you wanna play cards over the phone?
Kramer: Oh, hey, uh, listen, Jerry, uh, laundry's pilin' up there. You might want to tell your girlfriend. Mmm. Yeah.
George: Your girlfriend is doin' your laundry?
Kramer (From Hallway): He's sleeping with his maid!
George: You're sleepin' with the maid?
Jerry: Yes.
George: I've done that. Did you ever eat an ostrich burger?
Jerry: No.
Man: You're probably one of those women who doesn't like to give out her number.
Elaine: No, I'm not. Here you go.
Man: 646?
Elaine: It's a new area code.
Man: What area? New Jersey?
Elaine: No, no. It's right here in the city. It's the same as 212. They just multiplied it by 3, and then they added one to the middle number. It's the same.
Man: Do I have to dial a one first?
Man: I'm really kinda seein' somebody.
Elaine: Yeah? Well, so am I!
George: Excuse me. Can I talk to you for a second there, Watkins?
Watkins: It's T-bone.
George: The thing is...I'm supposed to be T-bone.
Watkins: Heh heh. You're not a T-bone. You're a perfect George.
George: What? Now, you listen to me!
Kruger: Hey, look at George. He's givin' it to T-bone. He's jumpin' up and down like some kind of monkey. Hey, what was the name of that monkey that could read sign language?
Watkins: All right, you can have T-bone. Stop crying.
George (Sniffling): I'm not crying. And I shouldn't have said that about your wife. Please accept my apologies.
George: Ok, everybody, uh...I have an announcement to make. From now on, I will be known as-
Kruger: Koko the monkey.
George: What?
All (Chanting): Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko!
Man: Thank you both for being here.
Ealine: Um, excuse me. I live in the building. Did something happen to Mrs. Krantz?
Man: She passed.
Elaine: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Man: Thank you.
Elaine: A quick question- did she by any chance have a 212 phone number?
Cindy: I can't find my earring. Oh, here it is.
Kramer: Hey, listen, can I borrow your suitcases?
Jerry: Yeah. It's in your closet.
Kramer: No, no, no. I looked.
Jerry: They're behind my skis and my tennis racket.
Kramer: Thanks, buddy.
Jerry: Where you goin'?
Kramer: Huh? Well, I'm gettin' out of town. I'm gonna visit Madeline for the weekend. You know, this place is lookin' kinda messy. What happened to Cindy?
Jerry: Well, she's here. She just didn't get around to it.
Kramer: Oh.
Cindy: Hi, Kramer.
Cindy: Thanks, Jerry. Bye.
Kramer: Well, what's the matter?
Jerry: What did I just pay for?
Kramer: Uh-oh. You're a john.
Jerry: Koko?
George: Koko.
Jerry: Well, it's probably the most intelligent ape there is.
George: Yeah. So, how's Cindy the maid?
Jerry: Well, everything's goin' great except, basically, I'm payin' for sex.
George: Tell me about it. I went out with this girl last week. First I had to pay for dinner, then-
Jerry: No, George. She's coming over and not cleaning. It's like I'm seein' a prostitute.
George: How much you pay this maid?
Jerry: 40.
George: 40? I'm payin' 60 to my maid. She doesn't do laundry and I'm gettin' nothin'. All right. Once she pinched my ass, but I don't know what that was.
Jerry: I don't know what this is.
Kramer: Hey, hey, hey. Look at that.
Jerry: Ooh.
Kramer: Jerry, you wouldn't believe what it's like down there. Taxicab drivers are insane. You know, everybody is in a hurry.
George: I can't eat with you leanin' over like this. Just look straight forward.
Kramer: Well, now I can't see Jerry.
Jerry: I look about the same.
George: What?
Jerry: I was talking to him.
Kramer: What?
Jerry: Never mind.
Kramer: Come on. What'd he say?
George: Never mind.
Kramer: Jerry, come on. What'd you say?
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Come on. Where'd you go?
Jerry: Go back.
Kramer: Eh! Come on. What did you say?
Jerry: I said, never mind.
Kramer: Yeah. I know that. Uh, uh.
Jerry: I hate the counter.
Elaine: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Elaine: I hate the counter.
Kramer: Who's that?
Elaine (To Jerry): Well, I got a 212 number from this little old lady in my building- Mrs. Krantz.
Jerry: Oh, she didn't mind?
Elaine: No. She died.
Jerry: Hey, that's great.
George: What happened to Mrs. Krantz?
Jerry: Elaine got a new number because she died.
Kramer: Newman died?
Elaine: What did he say?
Jerry: Some new kind of pie.
George: I'll try a piece.
Kramer: All right, who's down there?
Jerry: Hey, there's a booth.
Kramer: Hey, Elaine.
Elaine: Oh, hi.
Kramer: Did you hear about Newman?
Elaine: What?
George: Hey.
Jerry: So how's it goin' at work? They get tired of it?
George: Oh, yeah.
Jerry: Double zero?
George: It's "ooh" As in "ooh ooh ah ah."
Cindy: Your nickname's Koko? One of the girls down at the maid service is named Coco.
George: Really? Coco?
Cindy: Yeah. Coco. That girl's all right.
George: You know, if I could get this Coco woman down to Kruger, they wouldn't be able to call me Koko anymore because Kruger would never allow 2 Kokos.
Jerry: Sounds like he runs a real tight ship.
George: Say good-bye to Koko.
Jerry: Good-bye, Koko.
Kramer: Bye, Koko. Whew! Jerry, this relationship is killing me. The distance, the longing, the distance, the- you know, I didn't realize it, but I'm a needy person.
Jerry: Kramer, maybe this relationship isn't for you.
Kramer: Oh, yeah? So what am I supposed to do, be more like you? All sealed up in here, emotionally unavailable, paying scrubwomen for sexual favors! No! Jerry, I won't be like you! Never! I'll never be like you!
Cindy: What was that?
Jerry: I didn't hear anything.
Cindy: All right, I'm takin' off. Aren't you forgetting something?
Jerry: Oh, right! Hey, it was great seeing you again. I love your outfit.
Cindy: No. My money.
Jerry: For what?
Cindy: For my maid services. You booked me for today.
Jerry: But you didn't really do any work.
Cindy: I made the bed.
Jerry: But you took a nap in it.
Cindy: So?
Jerry: I thought that was kind of girlfriend bed making.
Cindy: No. That was the maid.
Jerry: Well, who took the nap?
Cindy: The girlfriend.
Jerry: $40 seems kind of steep for a nap.
Cindy: So, what are you saying? That I'm a bad maid or some kind of a prostitute?
Jerry: Ho, ho...ho! Hold on. Let's keep this sophisticated.
Cindy: You know, I don't think I want to be your girlfriend or your maid.
Jerry: So is this a breakup/quitting?
Cindy: Yeah. Don't ever call me or hire me again.
Jerry: Oh, yeah? Well, then, we're through! And you're fired!
Phone Man: Sign here.
Elaine: Yes! 212.
Elaine: Hey, what happened to the guy I had last time?
Phone Man: Oh, you know, it's an odd thing. He went out on a job and never came back. Nobody knows what happened.
Elaine: All right! I am back in the game.
Elaine: Hello?
Boy: Gammy!
Elaine: No. You got the wrong number, kid.
Boy: Gammy Krantz, it's your grandson Bobby. Why haven't you called?
Elaine: Oh...nuts.
Boy: Do you hate me 'cause of my lazy eye?
Elaine: No. It's just that I've been kind of buried over here.
Jerry: So the kid doesn't know his grandmother is dead? G-5?
Elaine: Hit. No. I guess his parents didn't want to tell him. B-2?
Jerry: Miss.
Elaine: He called 6 times yesterday. What a nightmare it must be to have a real family.
Jerry: I wouldn't worry about it. B-6?
Elaine: Hit. Uhh...you sank my submarine.
Jerry: Elaine...
Jerry: Hello?
Computer Voice: You have a collect call from-
Kramer: Hey, buddy, don't say no!
Jerry: I accept.
Kramer: I went down to Madeline's. I told her, "You gotta move, or it's over."
Jerry: Well, what happened?
Kramer: I think it's over. We had a big fight, she threw me out, I started walkin', and now I'm lost downtown! I don't have any money. I don't recognize anybody. I miss home, and I don't even know how to get there.
Jerry: What's around you?
Kramer: I'm lookin' at Ray's Pizza. You know where that is?
Jerry: Is it Famous Ray's?
Kramer: No. It's Original Ray's.
Jerry: Famous Original Ray's?
Kramer: It's just Original, Jerry!
Jerry: Well, what street are you on?
Kramer: Hey, I'm on first and first. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe.
Jerry: Just wait there. I'll pick you up, and, Kramer, stay alive no matter what occurs, I will find you!
Kramer: Aah!
Man: You Steinfeld?
Jerry: Yeah.
Man: My name is Maxwell. I'm from Maid To Order. It's a pun. I sent one of my girls over to your place.
Jerry: Cindy.
Man: She says she had a little problem with you. You didn't pay.
Jerry: You know, she didn't really do what she was supposed to do.
Man: Oh, yeah? She told me what you like. You're a little sickie, aren't you? Disinfectant on the blinds, vacuuming the counter-
Jerry: Hey, come on. Come on. I gotta live around here.
Man: You know what I do to people who stiff me on a job?
Jerry: What?
Man: Well, it kinda depends on the situation, but if I don't get my money from you, I'm gonna get it from her.
Jerry: I don't want to make trouble. You want the money? Here.
Man: Hey! Wait, wait, wait! Whoa! Give it to the girl. I'm an independent contractor. Tax purposes.
Elaine: Bobby, you gotta stop calling your Gammy. Why? Because sometimes you call very early in the morning when Gammy has been out late the night before and sometimes when Gammy's not alone. Your parents still haven't said anything to you about your Gammy? (sighs) All right, here we go. (coughing) Gammy doesn't feel so good. I think Gammy might be dying. Yep. Yep. Ok. Good-bye, Bobby. Don't call anymore. I'm dead now. Gotta go.
Bobby: 9-1-1.
Jerry: Nexus of the universe. Hey, Cindy. Cindy.
Cindy: What do you want?
Jerry: Here. I got your money.
Cindy: I don't want any money from you.
Jerry: Come on. Take it. It's money. Let me give it to ya.
Police: Looking for a good time, sir? You wanna step out of the car, sickie?
Jerry: Well, this is all very sophisticated.
Fireman: All right, hang on, Gammy! You're gonna make it!
Elaine: Aah!
Maxwell: Hey, you look a little lost. You from around here?
Kramer: Uh, no.
Maxwell: You know where you're going?
Kramer: Not really. My friend was supposed to pick me up, but I don't know where he is.
Maxwell: Doesn't sound like much of a friend. You got any money?
Kramer: Uh, no.
Maxwell: You wanna make some?
Kramer: Ok.
Maxwell: Do you know how to use a mop wringer?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah.
Maxwell: Why don't you get in the car?
Kramer: Hi. Ahh...these are soft seats.
Kruger: Hey, Koko, Who's this?
George: This is our new Vice-president of Acquisitions, sir.
Kruger: So you're just hiring new people now? That's your job, to hire people?
George: Yes?
Kruger: Ok, good enough for me, Koko.
Kruger: Ahem. Now, what's your name?
Coco: My name is Coco. Coco Higgins.
George: Coco?
Kruger: We can't have 2 Cocos. So I guess you're back to being George.
George: Well, it was a hell of a ride.
Kruger: All right, the Grace building. There's a big stain on the front. How do we get it off?
Coco: When I was a little girl in Jamaica, my Gammy taught me to take a wet rag and in a circ-
George: Ah, excuse me, Vice-president Coco, no one cares about your Gammy.
Coco: What did you say about my Gammy?
George: Forget Gammy.
Kruger: Who's Gammy?
George: There's no Gammy.
Kruger: Maybe there should be a Gammy.
George: Oh, no.
Kruger: George.
All (Chanting): Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy!
George: Gammy's gettin' upset!


George: Man, I'm starving.
Elaine: How can you be hungry after what you ate at that Mets game?
George: Because ballpark food doesn't count as real food.
Jerry: Right. It's just an activity. It's like that paddle with the ball and the rubber band.
Kramer: You know, my friend Bob Saccamano made a fortune off of those. See he came up with the idea for the rubber band. Before that, people would just hit the ball, and it would fly away.
Jerry: I can't believe you all made me leave before the end of the game.
Elaine: Oh, come on, Jerry. It was 9 to nothing. We were getting shellacked.
George: Those nachos are killing me.
Elaine: I thought you were hungry.
George: It's complicated.
Kramer: Come on, Jerry, you're going to miss the exit.
Jerry: Keep your shirt on. I got it.
Elaine: Watch out for that maroon Golf.
Kramer: Oh, boy.
Jerry: Look at this guy. He's trying to box me out.
Kramer: I'll tell you when you can go. Wait, wait, wait, Wait- now, now, now. No, no, no. Go, go! No, no. Wait- now, now! Now! Jerry! Go-ahh...
Jerry: Oh, calm down, maroon Golf. He thinks I cut him off. He accelerated.
Kramer: You want me to moon him? Ooh, let's moon him. Roll up your window. Let's do a pressed ham under glass.
Elaine: Oh, no, I couldn't do that.
Kramer: Look at this, look at this. He's giving us the finger.
Elaine: Oh, all right.
Kramer: Yeah.
George: So I saw that new movie about the Hindenburg.
Elaine: Oh, yeah. What's that called?
George: Blimp The Hindenburg Story.
Jerry: How was it?
George: I found it morose. Why dwell on these negative themes?
Jerry: Yeah. They should make a movie about all the Hindenburg flights that made it.
George: Anyway, right in the middle, the ship blows up- burning debris, bodies falling- and then just as this eerie silence settles over the airfield, I yelled out, "That's gotta hurt!"
Jerry: Heh.
George: The place went nuts.
Jerry: Imagine the laugh you could have gotten if you'd yelled that out at the actual disaster.
George: Yeah.
Kramer: Why are we slowing down?
Jerry: What is that music?
George: What's with all these flags?
Jerry: Oh, no.
Elaine And Jerry: It's the Puerto Rican Day parade!
Elaine: Ohh! Oh, the city shuts down Fifth avenue. They never let anyone through. We're never getting home.
Kramer: All right. I'm gonna check it out. Aiee. mucho trafico.
[Stock Footage: Puerto Rican Day parade.]
Kramer: Yeah...uhh...well, the streets are all blocked. I think every Puerto Rican in the world is out here.
Puerto Rican Man: Well, it is our day.
Kramer: Whoo. Wrong car. Sorry.
Radio: And the Mets score two in the eighth inning.
Jerry: See? If we had stayed, we could have seen those runs.
George: I could have had some ice cream. I think that might have calmed down the nachos.
Elaine: I'm going to miss 60 Minutes. You know, I hate to miss 60 Minutes. It's part of my Sunday weekend wind-down.
Jerry: I don't know how you can unwind with that clock ticking. It makes me anxious.
Kramer: All right, gentlemen, I scouted it out. I think we can get out over there.
Jerry: But that's a one-way street coming this way. Besides, how am I gonna get all the way over there?
George: Just inch over. You worm your way.
Elaine: Just do it, Jerry. Uhh. This exhaust. I'm gonna throw up.
Kramer: You know, you should make yourself throw up.
Elaine: Huh?
Kramer: You know you're going to.
Jerry: All right, I'm worming.
Kramer: Hey, Jerry. You know who the grand marshal is of this thing? None other than Miss Chita Rivera.
Jerry: They're not letting me in.
George: My hand is out.
Jerry: Well, I think we're gonna need more than a hand. They have to see a human face.
Elaine: You sure you want his face?
Kramer: No, no, no. It was Mara Conchita Alonso.
George: This guy's giving me the stare-ahead.
Jerry: The stare-ahead. I hate that. I use it all the time.
George: Look at me! I am man! I am you!
George: All right, he's letting you in. Thank you! Creep.
Kramer: Oh! I know who it is. Stacy Keach.
Jerry: One more lane to go.
George: All right! We're here!
Lamar: Oh, look who's here. My old buddy, black Saab.
Jerry: Maroon Golf.
Lamar: Where you goin', black Saab? You seem to be a tad askew.
Jerry: Could you move your car back a little?
Lamar: Oh. Sorry. I seem to have cut you off.
Elaine: All right, I think I know where this is going, and I am going somewhere else.
Jerry: You can't do that. You can't just leave the group.
Elaine: I've been trying to leave this group for 10 years. Vaya con dios.
Kramer: Con dios? Well, that's rude.
Jerry: Can you believe her?
George: Yeah. I'll see you later.
Jerry: Where are you going?
George: The movies. Blimp is playing right there.
Jerry: You're going to that again? Why? Just to do that stupid line?
George: It's a performance, Jerry. Like what you do.
Jerry: That's not what I do.
George: Isn't it?
Jerry: Maybe a little. Ah, hell, I guess it is.
Kramer: You know, actually, Jerry, you haven't worked a room that big in a while.
[Stock Footage: Taxis stuck in traffic].
Elaine: Look at that guy's dog. I hate it when their ears get flipped inside out like that. Why doesn't he fix it?
Elaine (Yelling): Hey! Fold your dog's ear back!
Elaine: Ooh! This isn't moving! I could walk faster than this.
Cab Driver: No, you can't.
Elaine: Yes, I can. Here. I'm outta here.
Elaine: Oh, now it's moving. Oh, yeah. I knew it. Hey! Hey!
Cab Driver: Where to?
Elaine: That's cute. That's really cute. Oh! Come on! All right. Bye again.
Elaine: Hey. Taxi! Taxi!
George: Ladies. I, uh, I haven't seen this before.
Lady 1: What is that dot?
Lady 2: Oh, I think someone has one of those funny laser pointers.
Laser Guy: Gimme a box of those and one of those.
George: Excuse me, are you the guy with that funny laser?
Laser Guy: The laser's not funny. I'm funny.
George: Yeah. The thing is, I, uh...I had this little zinger of my own I wanted to try.
Laser Guy: Uh-huh.
George: It's right in the explosion scene. So if you could just...leave me a little window. You know, my, uh, my aunt had a thing removed with a laser. All right, I don't want to interrupt your meal, so...
Jerry: I've gotta see this game. If it wasn't for this guy, we could get out of here.
Lamar: This traffic's a killer, ain't it?
Kramer: You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away.
Jerry: Walk away?
Kramer: You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free.
Jerry: Isn't there a deductible?
Kramer: All right, what is your deductible?
Jerry: I don't know.
Kramer: Yes, because they've already deducted it.
Jerry: From what?
Kramer: The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car.
Jerry: We're not leaving the car!
Kramer: All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf.
Jerry: Absolutely not. He sped up.
Radio: Swung on, line hard toward left center field. That's in the gap, that's a base hit.
Jerry: I'm ready to talk.
Lady 1: Hey! There's that laser guy again.
Lady 2: He's funny. I never meet anyone funny.
Lady 1: I know. A sense of humor is so much more important to me than looks or hair.
Lady 2: Mmm, yeah.
George: That's gotta hurt!
George: It's...gotta hurt! Hurt! Because...Aaarrrrrgh!
George: Damn you, laser guy! You had to grab it all with your lowbrow laser shtick! You're just a prop comic! Where's the craft?!
Lady 1: Look! It's on the bald guy.
Lady 2: I am so glad we came to this showing.
Kramer: Ok, here's the deal. He wants you to acknowledge that you cut him off with an "I am sorry" wave.
Jerry: What's that?
Kramer: You raise the hand, lower the head- "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The buttons are really big on the car. I don't understand it. I haven't read the manual. Ooh!" You get my drift.
Jerry: Ok!
Lamar: Hallelujah. Praise the lord. But I'll take it.
Kramer: Yes! All right, Lamar, back it up a little bit so we can get out now.
George: All right. At last, we're finally gettin' out of here.
Jerry: What's that on your forehead?
George: It's probably chocolate.
Jerry: Hey, is that one of those laser pointers?
Kramer: Hey, Jerry, crank up the Floyd. It's a George laserium!
George: All right, stop it! Stay away from my breasts! Chest!
Jerry: See ya around maroon Golf. And, by the way, that was an "I'm not sorry" wave.
Lamar: What was that?
Jerry: I'm glad I cut you off, because black Saab rules! So long, jackass!
Jerry: Elaine?!
Elaine: Jerry?!
Lamar: Jackass? So I'm a jackass now?
Jerry: So if everyone would just put their cars in reverse at the same time, we can do this. All right, on the count of three. Can everyone hear me? Hey, amigo, are you paying attention?
Puerto Rican Man: Buenos dias, my friend.
Jerry: Not you! The guy in the Amigo.
Elaine: Uh, well, uh, here-here is good.
Taxi Driver: Oh, yeah, sure, and now I'm gonna be stuck here. But you knew the way to go! You went to college!
Elaine: Hey, I went to Tufts! That was my safety school! So don't talk to me about hardship.
Elaine: Boy, eh, can you believe this mess?
Jerry: Elaine, why did you have the cab come down the street?! We were almost out!
Lamar: So that was your girlfriend that blocked you in. That's real good.
Elaine: I'm not his girlfriend. Well, actually, we used to date, but not anymore.
Jerry: Elaine, he doesn't need-
Lamar: Used to date? So I guess you found out he's a jackass.
Jerry: 'Cause that's what's gonna happen.
Kramer: Wow. He's givin' you a mustache. Where is this guy?
George: Don't look around. Don't look around. That's what he wants.
Elaine: All right. Well, I'll see ya. Hey, George, I think there's a sniper lookin' to pop ya.
George: This thing can't hurt me, can it? I mean, it is a laser. What if it hits my eye?
Jerry: I don't know.
George: I can't be blind, Jerry The blind are courageous.
Kramer: You'll be fine as long as it doesn't hit you right in the pupil, 'Cause then the whole ball will go up like the Death Star. Tchoo! I gotta go find a bathroom.
Jerry: Hold it, George. Don't move. It's right between your eyes.
George: Oh, my god.
Jerry: Hey, there's the soda guy.
Lamar: Hey, jackass! Get me a diet Dr. Pepper!
Jerry (Exasperated): All right!
Older Man: Hey, hey, hey!
Older Woman: Wha-ow!
Elaine: Oh, this is nuts! I can't get across anywhere!
Older Man: Well, none of us can! We're trapped!
Older Woman: Ow!
Elaine: Hey! Hey, everyone. This way. I think we can get out through here.
Older Man: Oh, I don't know if that's such a good idea.
Elaine: Look! No one knows how long this parade is gonna last! They are a very festive people. All I know is that it's Sunday night, and I have got to unwind! Now who's with me?!
Older Woman: Father?
Priest: None of us saw the nylon flap. That might mean something.
Pregnant Woman: Oh, all right, all right!
Elaine: All right! Come on. Come on. Let's go. Let's go.
Business Man: But it's dark!
Elaine: Get in there!
Kramer: Yes, uh, I'm interested in the apartment.
Sales Woman: Yes! Come in, come in.
Kramer: Ok.
Sales Woman: I'm Christine Nyhart.
Kramer: Oh. Delicious to meet you.
Sales Woman: Did the broker send you over?
Kramer: Uh, yes, most likely, yes. I'm, uh, H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy industrialist and philanthropist and, uh, a bicyclist. And, um, yes, I'm looking for a place where I can settle down with my, uh, peculiar habits, and, uh, the women that I frequent with. (sniffing wall) Mmm. Mombassa, hmm?
Sales Woman: The asking price is $1.5 million.
Kramer: Oh, I spend that much on after shave. Yes, I buy and sell men like myself every day. Now, I assume that there's a waterfall grotto?
Sales Woman: No.
Kramer: How about a bathroom?
Sales Woman: It has 4.
Kramer: Yes, and where would the absolute nearest one be?
Sales Woman: Just down the hall.
Kramer: Oh, thank you.
Elaine: Oh, don't worry. We'll get you home to your husband real soon.
Pregnant Woman: I'm not married.
Elaine: Well, I, for one, really respect that.
Pregnant Woman: Oh, thank you.
Elaine (Whispering): Hey! Guess who's not married.
Older Man: Is the boyfriend still in the picture?
Elaine: Come on, father, you can make it.
Priest: No, I can't. I've got a bad hip. Go on without me.
Elaine: No! I won't!
Priest: Leave me! you must.
Elaine: All right. Take it easy.
Elaine: All right, we can move faster without father o'gimpy.
Priest: I heard that!
Lamar: You know, I don't think I've ever seen a man driving a Saab convertible. Still haven't.
Jerry (Sarcastically): Ho ho!
Jerry: What seems to be the problem, officer?
George: They're for protection, Jerry. Can you tell where I'm lookin'?
Jerry: At me?
George: No.
Jerry: Oh. It's back.
George: Bring it on, baby
Jerry: What if it gets in the side?
George: The side?
Jerry: Yeah. Wouldn't it just bounce back and forth between your cornea and the mirror, faster and faster, getting more and more intense, until finally-
George: All right!
Jerry: Oh. It's in your eye now.
Kramer: Hola, Jerry! I'm into this Puerto Rican day! The sights! The sounds! The hot, spicy flavor of it all! It's caliente, Jerry!
Jerry: Kramer, the Mets have got men on base!
Kramer: Yeah, I know! I was watchin' the game.
Jerry: You were watchin'? Where?
Jerry: Oh, that was a strike! Did you see that?!
Sales Woman: Would you like to see the rest of the apartment, Mister, um-
Jerry: Eh...Varnsen. Kel Varnsen. Actually, this room intrigues me. Why is it called the TV room?
Sales Woman: Well, it's-
Jerry: Balk?! How was that a balk?! You have any snacks?
Sales Woman: Mr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment, I should tell you I've also had some interest from a wealthy industrialist.
Jerry: Not Pennypacker!
Sales Woman: You know him?
Jerry: I wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, for an all-out bidding war. But this time, advantage Varnsen!
George: Wait a second. I think I see where that laser guy is. No! Don't look! Don't look. Oh, yeah, that's him. Ok. I'm gonna sneak up on him. Now the hunted becomes the hunter.
Elaine: We should be able to get across right through here!
Older Woman: It's a dead end!
Elaine: Oh, no! I thought-
Business Man: You thought?! We're gonna die in the dark! I knew it! I knew it! We're gonna die!
Elaine: Get a hold of yourself!
Pregnant Woman: Oh, come on!
Elaine: Sorry. Somebody...help us!
Man: !Mira! !Mira! Stacy Keach!
Elaine: We're down here! Help!
Man: There's people down there! Hold on!
Elaine: Let us out. There's an unmarried pregnant woman down here.
Pregnant Woman: Don't judge me!
Elaine: Help us up so we can cross the street?
Police Officer: Nah, nah, You can't cross here. There's a parade.
Elaine: But we've come so far. We just want to unwind.
Police Officer: Hey, what can I tell ya?
Business Man: Wanna make out some more?
Elaine: Oh, god! Let us out!
George: That wasn't a laser pen.
Delivery Man: No. It's just a pen.
George: Oh, that's funny
Delivery Man: No. You have, like, a dot on your face. Whoever's doing that is very clever.
Kramer: Come on, man. You need to lighten up. You know, a feeling like this only happens once a year.
Kramer: Yeah, it's like this every day in Puerto Rico.
Kramer: See, now you're getting the spirit of it, huh?
Kramer: Ooh! !Dios mio!
Man: Hey! There's a guy burning the Puerto Rican flag!
Bob: Who! Who is burning the flag?!
Kramer: Oh, no.
Bob: Him?!
Cedric: That's not very nice.
Kramer: It was an accident.
Bob: Do you know what day this is? Because I know what day this is, they know what day this is, so I was wondering if you know what day this is!
Cedric: Because it's Puerto Rican day.
Bob: Maybe we should stomp you like you stomp the flag! What do you think of that?
Kramer: Now look, I just have one thing to say to you boys. Mama!
Sales Woman: Right this way, Mr. Vandelay.
George: Well, this is a lovely apartment. Lovely! My kids are gonna go crazy. I, uh, I wonder if I could see the bathrooms. Preferably one with some paint thinner and, uh, some rags?
Sales Woman: It's down the hall.
Jerry: Oh, hello...
George: Art.
Jerry: Mr. Vandelay, of course.
Sales Woman: You two know each other?
Sales Woman: Mr. Pennypacker!
Kramer: Uh, yes, uh, I-I wanted to, uh, stop by and make sure that my shark tank fits- uh, hello.
Sales Woman: Mr. Pennypacker, this is Mr. Vandelay, And you know Mr. Varnsen
Kramer: Uh, Varnsen.
Jerry: Pennypacker.
Kramer: Vandelay.
George: Pennypacker. Varnsen.
Jerry: Vandelay. Wait a second. Mr. Pennypacker, if you're here, and Mr. Vandelay is also here, then who's watching the factory?
Kramer: The factory?
Jerry: The Saab factory?
Kramer: Jerry, that's in Sweden.
Jerry: My car!
Kramer: Well, you know, it's like this every day in Puerto Rico.
George: Jerry, the Mets lost.
Jerry: I love a parade!
George: How do you suppose they did that?
Kramer: Well...there's no logical explanation. All right. Well, shall we go home?
Jerry: Well, what about my car?
Kramer: Well, Jerry, you can't deduct it now.
Jerry: Hey, there's Elaine.
Elaine: Hey.
Jerry: Well, you look, uh...relaxed.
Elaine: Well, it is Sunday night, and you know how I like to unwind.
Lamar: Hey, black Saab. Looks like that building cut you off! Ha ha ha! See ya around!
Jerry: Well, at least he didn't-
Lamar: Jackass!
Jerry: Somebody remember where we parked.
Kramer: This was a fun day. It's nice to get out.