Waitress: O.K. Cowboys, (taps pencil on her pad) What'll you have?
Jerry: Ill have the, ah, turkey club without the bacon.
George: And ah, Ill have the bacon club without the turkey. (raises eyebrows)
Waitress: George, don't make me get tough with you.
George: Why, you think you can, beat me up?
Waitress: You wouldn't want me to mess up the beautiful face of yours.
George: Huh, nggh [snort] Stop. (flirting with her he playfully hits her arm with the menu, then flicks it into the air)
Waitress: You don't want bacon Ill surprise you. (she turns and walks away)
George: Wow, is she not terrific?
Jerry: She does have a way.
George: You think she thinks I have a beautiful face, or is she just saying that?
Jerry: Well they do work on tips.
George: George, don't make me get tough with you. Whu, hu, hu, hu huuuu (raises arms) Who says that? She is really cool. What do you think? You think she likes me?
Jerry: Ah, I should have got the egg white omelet.
George: Why should she like me? Who am I? Huh, there's a million people to like.
Jerry: The omelet. Damn.
George: Maybe she could like me? Is it that far fetched? Maybe she sees something? Is it possible?
Jerry: No.
George: No.
Jerry: Not possible.
George: Not possible.
Elaine: Heyyyyyy (leaning in, very friendly and happy)
George: Hey Elaine.
Jerry: Lannie, how was the trip?
George: What trip? You were gone?
Elaine: I went to England ... with Mr. Pitt, for 5 days.
George: Hunh, pph (raises hands slightly, in amazement) How was it?
Elaine: Actually it was great. I met an Englishman, and we really, hit it off.
Jerry: Yeah, well that relationships really got a lot of potential.
George: he he (laughs)
Elaine: Yeah well Jerome, I, happen to be flying him in on my frequent flyer miles.
George: Flying him in? How longs he staying for?
Elaine: It's an open ended ticket. He can return any time he wants.
George: All this in 5 days. Hmm.
Jerry: Oh no, it's Kenny Bania.
George: Who's he?
Jerry: (quietly) Oh, he's this awful comedian.
Bania: Hey Jerry.
Jerry: Hey Kenny. (with some fake enthusiasm, just to be polite)
Jerry: Elaine, George (introducing them to Bania with less enthusiasm)
Elaine: Hi. (she flips her hair)
George: Hi (raises his left hand in a slight gesture to say hi)
Bania: Hi. (to Elaine)
Jerry: How's it going?
Bania: Great. I've been working out. Went from a size 40, to a 42.
Jerry: No kidding.
Bania: Yeah, Im huge (ducks his head into his right shoulder with false modesty) Well, Ill leave you guys alone. (raps his knuckle twice on the table, turns and walks away)
Jerry: All right.
Elaine: O.K. Thanks.
Bania: Oh. Jerry, You know what just hit me? I was thinking - What size suit are you?
Jerry: Ahh, Im a 40. Why?
Bania: I just got a brand new Armani suit - doesn't fit me anymore. You want it?
Jerry: Well I don't know if I ...
Bania: Oh come on. Why should it just sit in the closet?
Elaine: An Armani suit?
George: Take the suit.
Jerry: Well ... ok, I guess (voice trailing off)
Bania: You gonna be home later?
Jerry: Yeah.
Bania: Ill drop it off. (raps his knuckle twice on the table again, turns and walks away)
George: Heh heh heh hey, new suit (raises coffee cup as a salute / toast)
Jerry: Yeah, yeah, lucky me. (sips coffee)
Waitress: (to George) Here I personally made you a cold chicken sandwich. It's not even on the menu.
George: (takes a large bite - with his mouth still full, his speech is muffled) Oh, this is fabulous.
George: Boy, she is nice. I like her, I like her Jerry. She's got substance. She oozes substance.
Jerry: Well, go in there and talk to her. She's not going to put em on the glass.
George: You mean a walk back in? That's the toughest move in the business. You're sending me out into no-mans-land, and if I get shot down I have to crawl all the way back. Well I can't do it! I can't do it, I tell ya!
Jerry: Pull yourself together. Your going in there soldier! That's an order!
Jerry: Get in there. (he pushes George in the direction of the restaurant)
Kramer: Hey. (walking over to Jerry, who sits at the table reading the newspaper)
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Listen, I need you to do me a favor.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Well, I need you to help me move my refrigerator.
Jerry: Why?
Kramer: Cause Im getting rid of it.
Jerry: YEAH? (speaking loudly so the visitor can hear him through the intercom)
Bania: [It's K.B., I have the suit]
Jerry: ALL RIGHT, COME ON UP (Jerry puts his head down - he's not looking forward to Kenny Bania)
Kramer: (claps hands) So ...
Jerry: Well, well, why are you getting rid of your refrigerator? (he gets up from the table and carries a dish into the kitchen)
Kramer: Well after that Kidney Stone I only want fresh food. It's gotta be fresh. Im not eating any more stored food. Plus you know I want the space.
Jerry: What for?
Kramer: Well I could put a, dresser in there. I could get dressed while Im making breakfast.
Bania: Hey (holds the Armani suit up) Here you go. (walks into the apt.)
Jerry: Yeah.
Bania: You didnt think I was really going to give you a suit, did you?
Kramer: What, you're giving him this suit?
Bania: That's right, and it's an Armani.
Kramer: Armani? Hey, Armani Jerry. (Kramer takes the suit and looks it over)
Jerry: Yes, yes, I heard.
Kramer: Come on, try it on.
Jerry: No, it's ok.
Kramer: Come on, I want to see how it fits.
Jerry: All right, all right. (trying on the suit jacket)
Kramer: There you go.
Jerry: Ok, Yeah all right.
Kramer: Oh boy, that looks great. I can't believe you're giving him this.
Bania: I don't even want anything for it.
Kramer: He's very generous, isn't he?
Jerry: Yes, yes, he is.
Bania: Ill tell you what - you can take me out to dinner sometime.
Jerry: Dinner?
Bania: Yeah. You buy me a meal - you can't get a better deal than that (pats Jerry on the shoulder)
Kramer: No, you'll never get a better deal than that.
Bania: All right. Ill leave you alone. (turns and walks out the door)
Jerry: Yeah, Ill see you.
Kramer: All right, ooh look at that Armani, huh, yeah.
Jerry: Yeah, that's a deal. That's a terrible deal. I don't want to go out to dinner with him. Id rather make my own suit.
George: I did it! It's all done!
Jerry: Hey. (raises hands into fists of encouragement)
George: I did it. Hunh, we're going out as soon as she gets off of work and it'll still be daytime. You know I, Im much better in the daytime then I am at night. it's less pressure.
Jerry: I love the day date. No wine, No shower.
George: There ya go.
Elaine: So the trip was good?
Simon: Yes (nice English accent) Apart from that, dreadful airline food. It tends to reek havoc with my stomach.
Elaine: You know I, I have to say, I've never admitted this to anyone, but um, I kind of like airline food. (leans in and laughs, flirting with him)
Simon: That's probably because of ... [muttering]
Elaine: What?
Simon: What?
Elaine: Yeah, what?
Simon: [sighs]
Elaine: What?
Simon: Where I come from, we don't say What? It's proper to say Pardon?
Elaine: Huh. (muttering) This should be interesting.
Simon: Pardon?
Elaine: Nothing.
Kelly: So then about a year ago I started selling, these funky little hair clips. It's going pretty good. I make them in my apartment.
Kelly: Im just doing this waitress thing for a while, because I wanted to go to Europe this summer
George: (quietly) ahh.
Kelly: and I could use a few extra ... Careful
George: Oh. It's just horse manure (huh huh - laughs, he points back at the horse that walked by) Horse manure's not that bad. I don't even mind the word manure. You know, it's, it's nure, which is good. and a ma in front of it. MA-NURE. I mean when you consider the other choices, manure is actually pretty refreshing.
Kelly: That's a nice watch George.
George: Yeah.
Kelly: You know, my boyfriend has the same one.
George: Huh. Really?
Kelly: Yeah, he loves watches. He's a real watch freak.
George: Well, how about that?
Kelly: Ooh look out. (pointing at the ground - squishing sound) You stepped right in it.
George: Yes, I sure did.
Jerry: So you just pretended it didnt bother you?
George: What is that, Boyfriend? I don't understand that. What, what does she think I asked her out for?
Jerry: Boy, It's the way they just slip it in there too.
George: Yeah, yeah, like it's just part of the conversation. Oh my boyfriend really likes watches. He's a real watch freak. We-e-ell that's fabulous. (snaps fingers in the air a couple of times)
Jerry: Well let me ask you this. What exactly did you say when you asked her out?
George: I said, would you like to go for a walk or something.
Jerry: Oh, a walk, well -
George: Or something. I said, Or Something!
Jerry: Or something. Yeah, that's a date.
George: (snaps fingers) There you go.
Jerry: Course you know there is always the possibility, that she called an audible.
George: What do you mean?
Jerry: Well she got up to the line of scrimmage, didnt like the looks of the defense and changed the play.
George: I think things were going ok. We were having a nice conversation.
Jerry: Uh huh.
George: I mentioned how I liked horse manure.
Jerry: You did?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Yeah. You said you liked horse manure.
George: Yeah.
Jerry: (quietly) Mm-hm.
George: You know, about how when you break it down, it's really a very positive thing. you know, you have a nure, with a ma in front of it. MA-NURE. Iz not bad.
Jerry: And it was around this point that she mentioned the boyfriend?
George: Yeah. (Jerry nodding) ... Oh, you think because of what I said about the manure. I wa, wa, was just saying how it takes a negative thing, and puts it on a positive spin on it.
Jerry: Im just saying there's a chance she may not have been enamored with your thoughts and feelings on manure.
George: So you don't think she really has a boyfriend?
Jerry: My honest opinion, I think she made it up.
George: Well then she's just a Liar, Isn't she?
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Aaa. Well ... you want something to eat, don't you?
Kramer: Ahh, no, no, no. You got me all wrong buddy. I am loving this no refrigerator. You know what I discovered? I really like depriving myself of things. It's fun. Very monastic.
George: Well what do you eat?
Kramer: It's all fresh. Fresh fish, fresh foul, fresh fruit. I buy it, I omniga nominga, I eat it.
Jerry: Well Im glad it's working out.
Kramer: Oh yeah, it's working out. And I got a date with that waitress who works at Reggies.
Jerry: Boy, if I could meet a hostess, we could open up our own place.
Kramer: Ha ha ha ha. Yeah, well, Ill tell you, she's a full-figured gal.
Jerry: Is she?
Kramer: Oh you better believe it buddy. Hey George, we could double sometime.
George: Yeah, yeah, yeah we could. You know, ah, Kramer, the next time you talk to her, find out if she knows Kelly, from Monk's. I wanna know if she really has a boyfriend.
Kramer: All right it's done.
Jerry: Hello?
Bania: Hi, Jerry. It's Kenny.
Jerry: Oh, Hi.
Bania: You know, I was thinking if you're not busy, maybe I can get my meal today?
Jerry: Yeah, you wanna get that meal, don't you?
Bania: How about Mendys, ooh, ever been there?
Jerry: No I haven't?
Bania: Ah you're gonna love it. Ill meet you there around 700.
Jerry: All right.
Bania: Ahh.
Jerry: (hangs up the phone) Yeah, I really needed that suit.
Bania: I start off with curls. That's good for the bicep. (motions with 2 fingers along his right bicep) I do 10 reps, 2 sets.
Jerry: Mm. That's fantastic. (he could care less)
Bania: You work out with weights?
Jerry: No I don't.
Bania: You should.
Jerry: Why?
Bania: You worn the suit yet?
Jerry: No, not yet.
Waiter: have you decided?
Bania: Oh, get the swordfish. Best swordfish in the city. The best, Jerry.
Jerry: Ill have the salmon.
Waiter: And you?
Bania: Ahh, you know what I think. Im just going to have soup. Yeah, Ill save the meal for another time.
Jerry: Another time? What other time?
Bania: I had a hot dog earlier. Im not that hungry.
Jerry: No, no, Bania, no. This is the dinner. The soup counts.
Bania: Soup's not a meal. You're supposed to buy me a meal.
Jerry: Im not stopping you from eating. Go ahead and eat. Get anything you want.
Bania: But I don't want anything but soup.
Jerry: Then that's the meal.
Bania: But I had the hot dog.
Jerry: I didnt tell you to have a hot dog. Who told you to have a hot dog?
Bania: Hey, I give you a brand-new Armani suit, and you won't even buy me a meal?
Jerry: All right, fine. Get the soup!
Jerry: So he just gets soup. He wants to save the meal. So now I got to do it all over again.
Elaine: What kind of soup did he get?
Jerry: I don't know? Consomm or something.
Elaine: Consomm, hmm.
Jerry: What?
Elaine: Well, that's not really a meal Jerry. I mean, if he had gotten, Chicken Gumbo, or Matzah Ball, even Mushroom Barley. Then I would agree with you. Those are very hardy soups.
Jerry: Elaine you're missing the whole point.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: The meal is the act of sitting down with him. It doesn't matter what you get, as long as he's sitting in that restaurant, its a meal.
Elaine: Was it a cup or a bowl?
Jerry: You see - ah, uh ...
Elaine: Im just curious.
Jerry: A bowl, ok?
Elaine: Did he crumble any crackers in it?
Elaine: (reiterating the question) Did he crumble, any crackers in it?
Jerry: As a mater of fact, he did.
Elaine: Oh, well. Crackers in a bowl. That - That could be a meal.
Jerry: It's like Im talking to my Aunt Sylvia here.
Elaine: Oh, hi Simon. This is Jerry.
Simon: Hello. (to Jerry, politely - then quickly turns to Elaine) Elaine, do you have any cash on you?
Elaine: Um, yeah in my purse.
Simon: No. There was only six dollars.
Jerry: Well, I have some money. What do you need? (pulls out some bills)
Simon: Well, 20 should cover me. (snatches the cash) Thanks mate. (he walks down the stairs to the sidewalk)
Elaine: Where you going?
Simon: (starts to turn back to Elaine) Just visiting.
Elaine: Oh, OK, see you later.
Simon: I won't be back for dinner. (turns and walks off down the street)
Elaine: (English accent) Pardon?
Jerry: So is she working? Is she here?
George: Yeah, yeah, she's here.
Jerry: Have you said anything to her?
George: No, but Im very uncomfortable.
Jerry: Are you going to say anything?
George: There she is. (waiving his arms quickly above the table - to nix the conversation) No no no no no no.
Kelly: Hello
George: Hello.
Kelly: Well, what's it going to be?
George: What's it gonna be?
Kelly: Yes. What'll you have? Are you eating? It's in that vein.
George: Ill eh, Ill just have a bowl of chili.
Jerry: Ill have an egg white omelet.
George: What's it gonna be? ... You hear that?
Jerry: Yeah, that was bad.
George: Did you feel that tension? We use to have banter - (puts menu back with frustration) - there's no more banter.
Jerry: Oh, no, it's Kenny. Slide out so he can't sit down. (George & Jerry each slide to the end of their booth seats)
Bania: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Bania: You worn the suit yet?
Jerry: Actually, I did. I put it on last night and slept in it.
Bania: You did?
Jerry: ... Oh, Im joking.
Bania: OH! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Can I squeeze in? (to George)
George: Sure you can.
Kelly: Can I take your order?
Bania: What kind of soup do you have?
Jerry: Why don't you get a sandwich?
Bania: Ok, Ill have tomato soup and ah, tuna on toast.
Jerry: OK ... (nodding his head up and down) This is it cha know
Jerry: This is the meal ... so stock up buddy boy.
Bania: What are you talking about? this isn't a meal.
Jerry: Yes it is. Soup and sandwich. That is a meal.
Bania: You're supposed to buy me dinner in a nice restaurant, like Mendys.
Jerry: I tried to do that.
Bania: This is lunch in a coffee shop
Jerry: Doesn't matter, This is it. This completes the transaction.
Bania: Ah, soup and a sandwich for a brand-new Armani suit. Is that any kind of gesture? (turns to George)
Bania: Im really not comfortable ...
Kramer: (to George) Hey, I just spoke to ah, Hilde about your friend.
George: Yeah.
Kramer: She doesn't have a boyfriend. She made it up.
Jerry: Hi.
Elaine: Hi.
Jerry: Where's Simon?
Elaine: Oh, he'll be right up. He's just getting some beer. And Im not expecting ... any change. (leans forward as she brings her hands together in front of her, then sits on the couch)
Jerry: When's he leaving? (putting some items into the refrigerator)
Elaine: About 2 days. Although he's hinting at how he'd like to stay. Fortunately he has no money, and no prospects. (she smiles)
Simon: Hey mate. Fancy a beer?
Jerry: Ah, no thanks.
Jerry: (on the phone) Hello? No, Im sorry Bania ... Im not going over this again. Well who told you to order soup? ... No! There's no dinner. There's not going to be any dinner. You've had a sandwich and 2 bowls of soup and that's it. Good-bye.
Jerry: Hey, what size suit are you?
Simon: 40.
Jerry: 40. Perfect. Brand-new Armani suit, you want it?
Simon: Absolutely.
Jerry: Great, its yours. I can't stand the sight of it. Elaine, heres the car keys. (tosses her the keys)
Elaine: Thanks
Jerry: Yo?
Bania: Listen Jerry, I've been doing some thinking. I want my suit back.
Jerry: I don't have your suit. I gave it away.
Bania: Well it's my suit.
Jerry: Well it's gone. Im sorry. Good-bye Bania.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Um, yeah. (glances around the apt.) Oh, uh ... well, how's everything? (clap)
Jerry: Ok.
Kramer: Good, ah, (clap) what's going on?
Jerry: Nothing.
Kramer: Really.
Jerry: You want food, don't cha? (nodding his head up and down)
Kramer: It's not for me. It's for Hilde - the waitress I was telling you about. She's hungry, she wants food. If I go back in there without any food ... there's gonna be trouble. (his voice gets really high pitched on his last sentence)
Jerry: All right, go ahead
Kramer: Thanks buddy. (goes over to the fridge and pulls out a few things)
Hilde: Did you find anything!
Kramer: Uh, yeah, ah ...
Kramer: There's a few things in here, ah, peanut butter, cheese, yeah ...
Hilde: Cheese is good. Yeah, what kind?
Kramer: Uh, Swiss.
Hilde: All right, it'll have to do. Come on.
Jerry: What are we doing out here? Aren't we going to go in and eat?
George: I can't go in there. Im too uncomfortable.
Jerry: Oh, w-what are you saying? So we're not going to go in there anymore?
Elaine: Hey, What are you doing out here?
Jerry: We can't eat here anymore, because he took a waitress out for a walk.
George: What's the difference? Let's go to Reggies.
Elaine: Reggies? I can't eat anything there.
George: It's the same menu.
Elaine: There's no Big Salad.
George: They'll make you a Big Salad. What do you think, they're the only one's that make a Big Salad?
Elaine: All right. Let's go, to Reggies.
Jerry: So what's going on with Simon? Did he leave?
Elaine: Ahh ... wait till you hear this.
Elaine: So Simon picks this woman up, right in front of me.
Jerry: Look at this. They make a point of saying on the menu, No egg white omelets. Look at that.
George: So what! Have a yoke! It won't kill you.
Hilde: (walks up to the table) Hello.
Jerry: Oh, hi Hilde. Can I get an egg white omelet?
Hilde: Did you read the menu?
Jerry: All right, just give me a western. (unhappy)
Elaine: How bout a Big Salad?
Hilde: A big salad?
Elaine: (to George) Ya see?
George: Just tell her whatcha want, they'll make it for ya.
Elaine: It's a salad, only bigger, with lots of stuff in it.
Hilde: I can bring you 2 small salads.
Elaine: Could you put it in a big bowl?
Hilde: We don't have big bowls.
Elaine: All right. Just give me a cup of decaf.
Hilde: We have Sanka.
George: I mean, it's not fair. I've been going there for 7 years. She's been there 3 weeks.
Jerry: Not fair.
George: If anyone should be forced to leave that place, it should be her!
Jerry: She's on your turf.
George: If only she could get fired. Is there any way that could happen? I mean I know how to get myself fired.
Jerry: You're the best.
George: Well ... but how do I get someone else fired?
Jerry: Well as I see it, you've got to apply the same principles that get you fired, but redirected, outwardly.
Kramer: H-Hey. She's hungry Jerry.
Jerry: Well, there's nothing left. There's no food.
Kramer: No food? Well you gotta have something - (rummages through Jerry's cupboards and refrigerator) - I can't go back in there with no food. She's expecting something Jerry. You don't know what she's like when that blood sugar drops.
Hilde: (from Kramer's apartment) Food!
Kramer: There, you see. She's already in a bad mood. She just got fired.
Jerry: Why'd she get fired?
Kramer: Oh, because I called over there a couple of times and the manager didnt like it.
Elaine: So, Simon is definitely going back now. He's meeting me here to return my keys.
Jerry: Boy, he's a real bounder, isn't he?
Elaine: Yes. He's one of those bounders.
Kelly: Egg white omelet and Big Salad.
Elaine: AHhh. Thank you.
Kelly: I just wanted you guys know that Friday's my last day. Bloomingdales ordered a bunch of my clips, thank God, I don't have to do this any more. (turns and walks away)
Elaine: Ah (hu ha - small laugh)
Bania: Hey Jerry, where's my suit?
Jerry: I don't have it. You want half my omelet? (holds his omelet plate up to Bania)
Monk'S Manager: (on the phone, we assume it's George calling) I told you, she's busy. She can't come to the phone now! (hangs up)
Monk'S Manager: You better tell your boyfriend to stop calling here.
Kelly: Oh he's not my boyfriend. It's that bald guy with the glasses, who's always here with them. He's trying to get me in trouble.
Monk'S Manager: HEY! Yeah. I got a message for you. You tell your friend George, that the next time I see him around here, Im going to turn him into my Own, Personal, Hand-Puppet.
Simon: Well, hello. Here you are as promised. You see, Im a man of my word. (drops keys into Elaine's extended palm)
Elaine: When are you leaving?
Simon: Elaine, are you trying to get rid of me? Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I was supposed to leave tomorrow, but all of a sudden, I've been set up with a job interview that might enable me to extend my visit indefinitely. And it is all due, to this suit. How do I look? Im a shoe-in aren't I. Thanks again love. (touches the table, turns and walks to the exit)
Elaine: (turns towards the lunch counter) Hey Kenny. You still want to get that suit back?
Bania: (leans backwards from the counter) Yeah!
Elaine: There it goes. (pointing at Simon walking out the door)
Bania: Hey! Hey! (he runs out the door after Simon; from outside) Come Here You!
Simon: (from outside Monk's) What are you doing? Unhand me!
Bania: (from outside Monk's) Take It Off!


Car Salesman: George, are you sure I can't show you any other cars?
George: I don't think so, Vic. I've done my homework. '89 Volvo, that's the car for me, it's the one I want.
Salesman: I got a LeBaron convertible right here.
George (Chuckles): N.I. Not interested.
Salesman: It's got a few more miles on it, but the previous owner was John Voight.
George (Suddenly Interested): Jon Voight?
Jerry: Okay, Tim. You're welcome. (Hangs up.)
Elaine: Was that Tim Whatley?
Jerry: Yes, it was. He wanted your address - you, my friend, are going to be invited to his night-before-Thanksgiving party. (Elaine raises her hands triumphantly, then gleefully struts her way to the kitchen.) You know, he's got that great apartment on 77th street, and they overlook where they inflate all those huge balloons for the Macy's Thankgiving Day Parade?
Elaine: I have always had a big crush on Tim Whatley. Why can't he ask me out? (Punctuates this by shoving Jerry.)
Jerry: Oh, he's a dentist. You don't want to go out with a dentist.
Elaine: Why?
Jerry: He'll always be criticizing your brushing technique, it'll drive you crazy. (Mimics brushing his teeth) Away from the gums... (The door opens a little, George jangles the keys to his new car at Jerry and Elaine, then enters.)
Jerry: Uh - new car!
Elaine: Ohhh!
Jerry: Hey! Did you get the Volvo?
George: No, I decided to go with an '89 LeBaron.
Elaine: A LeBaron?
Jerry: I thought Consumer said Volvo was the car.
George: What Consumer? I'm the consumer.
Jerry: Alright. Seems like...a strange choice.
George: Well, maybe so...but it was good enough for Mr. Jon Voight.
Elaine: Jon Voight? The actor?
George (Boasting): That's right. He just happened to be the previous owner of the vehicle.
Jerry: You bought a car because it belonged to Jon Voight?
George (Defensive): No, no...
Jerry: I think yes, yes. You like the idea of telling people you're driving Jon Voight's car.
George: Alright, maybe I do. So what.
Elaine: I've never even seen him in a car. I mean, look at his movies. No cars. Deliverance - canoe. Midnight Cowboy - boots. Runaway Train...runaway train. (Kramer enters.)
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Jerry, you know that shoe repair place at the end of the block? Well, if they don't get some business, they're gonna have to shut down and make way for one of those gourmet coffee or cookie stores.
Elaine: I like coffee.
George: I like (imitates Kramer) "cookies."
Kramer: Yeah, of course you do. And do you know why? Because you're a bunch of yuppies. It's your go-go corporate takeover lifestyles that are driving out these Mom and Pop stores and destroying the fabric of this neighborhood.
George: Well, what's so great about a Mom and Pop store? Let me tell you something. If my Mom and Pop ran a store, I wouldn't shop there.
Kramer: Hey, Bogambo - they've been in the neighborhood for 48 years. Now, come on, Jerry. You've gotta have a pair of shoes in need of a cobblin.'
Jerry: I really don't wear the kind of shoes that have to be cobbled.
Kramer: Well, what about sneakers? You know, they'll clean 'em. They do complete detailing.
Jerry: Alright, take 'em.
Kramer (Happily): Yeah-yah.
Pop: Kramer, without you, we'd be out of business.
Kramer: Well you know, these sneakers, they belong to my neighbor, Jerry Seinfeld? The comedian.
Mom: So many sneakers!
Kramer: Well, he's got a Peter Pan complex.
Pop: They'll be ready a week from Thursday.
Kramer: Oh, well, no rush. (wipes his nose) Uh oh.
Mom: What's the matter?
Kramer: Oh, I keep getting these nosebleeds.
Mom: Oh, lie down, and put your head back.
Kramer: Yeah. (Lies on the couch and cracks the back of his head against the armrest.) Hey, what's with your ceiling? (Mom and Pop look up.)
Pop: What?
Kramer (Stuffing Tissue Up His Nose): Well, you got wires sticking out every which way. That looks dangerous, you should call the electrician.
Pop: You know, in the 48 years we've been here, I don't think we've ever called an electrician.
Kramer: Yeah well, you should. This place could blow any minute.
Mr. Pitt: Elaine?
Elaine: Yes, Mr. Pitt?
Mr. Pitt: Have you gotten all the salt off those pretzels yet?
Elaine: No, I'm still working on it.
Mr. Pitt: What in blazes are you listening to?
Elaine: Artie Shaw. "Honeysuckle Jump." (The song ends.)
Dj On Radio: That was Artie Shaw, "Honeysuckle Jump."
Mr. Pitt: Elaine! How did you know that?
Elaine: Oh, my father used have a huge collection of big band records.
Dj On Radio: Congratulations to our listener Wayne Hopper for identifying it. And by doing so, he becomes our seventh person to land the WFBB-sponsored Woody Woodpecker balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. (Mr. Pitt hears this and is intrigued; mouths the words "Woody Woodpecker.") There are only three spots left. We're going to take a little break now; when we come back, you'll have three more chances to win a spot holding a rope under Woody Woodpecker.
Mr. Pitt (To Elaine, Excited): Could you identify the next song? Could you? Could you?
Elaine: Mr. Pitt, why would you want to hold onto the ropes on the Woody Woodpecker balloon?
Mr. Pitt: My father was a stern man. He forbad us to participate in any activities that he thought were associated with the common man. The Thanksgiving Day Parade was first on the list.
Elaine: Oh. Alright, I'll do the best I can. (Turns up the radio.)
Dj On Radio: Alright, here we go for the next spot under the balloon. If you know the name of this song, call 555-BAND. (The music starts. Elaine listens intently.)
Mr. Pitt (Impatiently): Well, Elaine? Do you know it? What song is it?
Elaine: Will you shut up? I can't hear!
Mr. Pitt: I'm sorry!
Elaine: Oh! I've got it! It's "Next Stop Pottersville"! (Grabs the phone to call it in.)
Mr. Pitt (Overjoyed): Goody! Yes! Yes! Yes! (Dances back and forth, elated) Next Stop Pottersville, Next Stop Pottersville! You are a genius!
George: You are gonna love this car. Even if you don't like Jon Voight.
Jerry: I like Jon Voight. Just seems like kind've a strange reason to buy a car, because he might have driven it.
George: What do you mean "might"? You don't think he really owned this car?
Jerry: I don't know.
George: Well, why would the guy make up something like that? Of all the names he could pick, why settle on Jon Voight?
Jerry: Don't you see, that's the genius of it. If he had said Liam Neeson, you'd know he's making it up.
George: Neeson? How are you comparing Liam Neeson with Jon Voight? Jerry, we're talking about Joe Buck. If you can play Joe Buck, Oskar Schindler's a cake walk. (Opens the car door for Jerry, Jerry's about to get in.)
Jerry: Oh, look at this, I stepped in gum.
George: Whoa, whoa, you're not getting in my car with gummy shoes.
Jerry (Shuts The Car Door): Alright, I'll change my shoes. (Heads back to his apartment. George follows.)
George (Unimpressed): Liam Neeson. You know, he's not American.
Jerry: Let me get a clean pair. (Goes into his room. George strides over to the window.)
George (Singing): Everybody's talkin' at me...I can't hear a word they're sayin'...just drivin' around in Jon Voight's car...
Jerry (Yelling From His Room): Kramer! (We hear Kramer's door slam open and shut. Kramer enters. Jerry comes out of his room.) Hey! Where's all my sneakers?
Kramer: You said take 'em.
Jerry: Not all of 'em!
Kramer: Well, obviously there was a miscommunication.
Jerry: Obviously. So what am I supposed to wear?
Kramer: Jerry, I left you a pair right here...(goes into Jerry's room and comes out with a pair of cowboy boots.) C'mon. There, put on those boots.
Jerry: I can't wear these!
Kramer: Well, why not?
Jerry: They're uncomfortable.
Kramer: C'mon here, try 'em on. (Jerry sits down and puts the boots on.)
George: Where did you get those?
Jerry: I worked a club in Dallas one time and they couldn't afford to pay me so they gave me these. Oh, I can't wear these! (Stands up.) They look ridiculous!
Kramer: Ah, you look like a cowboy! Huh?
Jerry: But I don't wanna be a cowboy!
Kramer: Oh, stop it. You know that friend of yours, Tim the dentist? I got an invitation to his Thanksgiving Eve party.
George: Yeah, I got one too.
Kramer: Yeah?
Jerry: Oh yeah? Huh.
George: What?
Jerry: No, nothing.
George: No, what is it?
Jerry: No, it's just that I, uh...didn't get one.
George: You didn't get one?
Jerry: Ah, but he called me up and he asked for yours and Elaine's addresses, I'm sure that means I'm invited.
Kramer: Not necessarily.
Jerry: Hey, why would you call someone up and ask them for two addresses if you're not invited to the party?
George (Mocking Jerry): That's the genius of it.
Jerry (Picks Up The Phone): I'm callin' Elaine. See if she can find out anything from Tim Whatley.
George (To Kramer): Hey. I got Jon Voight's LeBaron. (Jingles the keys.)
Kramer (Impressed): Boss!
Pop: Four thousand dollars? We can't afford that!
Electrician: Well I'm afraid you're gonna have to do something about it, because it's in violation of the building code. Otherwise, they're gonna close you up.
Pop: But what if we can't pay for it?
Electrician: Then I have to report you. Otherwise, I lose my license. Sorry. (Exits.)
Pop: 48 years, Mom! And now we have to close! All because of that idiot and his bloody nose! (Kramer enters.)
Kramer: Afternoon, Mom! Afternoon, Pop. You know you got a crack in the sidewalk out there? Now, you oughta get that fixed.
George: So?
Jerry: C'mon, put the top up, it's November!
George: I feel alive, Jerry.
Jerry: Let's check out the glove box. (Opens the glove compartment, takes out a pencil.) Ah. Pencil.
George: Hey...you don't think...sure, that's Jon Voight's pencil!
Jerry: With Jon Voight's teeth marks. (Looks at the owner's manual.) Owner's manual...you know what? This car was owned by Jon Voight.
George: Ah! See? I told ya.
Jerry: Except Jon is spelled with an H. J-O-H-N.
George: So?
Jerry: Doesn't Jon Voight spell his name J-O-N?
George (Pulls Over): So, what are you saying?
Jerry: Nothing. I'm sure "Jon" probably mispelled his own name. I know sometimes I spell Jerry with a G...and an I! (Laughs uproariously.)
George (Angrily): Get out of the car!
Jerry: What?
George: That's right, you heard me. Get out! You are ruining this whole experience for me!
Jerry (Sarcastically): Oh, look! There's Gregory Peck's bicycle!
George: Get out!
Jerry: And Barbara Mandrell's skateboard!
George: Get out!! (Jerry gets out and George drives away. A couple of guys notice Jerry in his cowboy boots.)
Tough Guy (Threatingly): Hey, cowboy. Where's your horse? (Jerry slips and slides in his cowboy boots and runs away.) Yeah, you better run!
George: Did they take anything?
Jerry: No, they didn't even touch me. I tripped because of these stupid cowboy boots.
George: Anyway, again, I'm sorry about throwing you out of the car.
Jerry: You really seemed to enjoy it.
George: It was kinda fun. (Elaine gives Jerry a cold cloth for his jaw.) You know, maybe his name really is J-O-H-N, but he changed it to J-O-N for show business. Well, you know, J-O-N is a lot zippier.
Jerry (Sarcastic): Yeah, that's possible.
George: How would you find out something like that...wait a minute, what am I thinking? I've got the entire Yankee organization at my disposal.
Jerry (To Elaine): He'll dispose of it.
George: Heh, that's right. See ya later. (Exits.)
Elaine: So Jerome, I did a little snooping around for you.
Jerry: Ah! What'd you find out, Lois?
Elaine: Well, I talked to Tim Whatley...
Jerry: Yeah...
Elaine: And I asked him, "Should Jerry bring anything?"
Jerry: So...?
Elaine: Mmmm...and he said, "Why would Jerry bring anything?"
Jerry: Alright, but let me ask you this question.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: Which word did he emphasize? Did he say, "Why would Jerry bring anything?" or, "Why would Jerry bring anything?" You emphasize "Jerry" or "bring."
Elaine: I think he emphasized "would."
Jerry: You know what? The hell with this party, I don't even want to go to begin with. (Kramer enters.)
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey, so where's my sneakers?
Kramer: That's what I wanna know.
Jerry: What do you mean?
Kramer: Well, I saw Mom and Pop this morning, but when I went by the store on my way home? The place was empty. Everything is gone. Mom and Pop - vrooop - vanished.
Jerry: So all my sneakers are gone?
Kramer: I'm afraid so. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I've been asking around - they didn't even have any kids.
Jerry: Mom and Pop aren't even a Mom and Pop?!
Kramer: It was all an act, Jerry. They conned us, and they scored, big time.
Elaine (Amused): So. Mom and Pop's plan was to move into the neighborhood...establish trust...for 48 years. And then, run off with Jerry's sneakers.
Kramer: Apparently.
Elaine: Alright, that's enough of this.
Jerry: Where ya goin'?
Elaine: I gotta go to the Dixieland Deli to pick up Mr. Pitt's security pass for the parade.
Jerry: Why does he want to hold a rope underneath Woody Woodpecker in the Thanksgiving Day Parade?
Elaine: He finds his laugh "intoxicating." (Laughs like Woody Woodpecker, and exits.)
Mr. Morgan: So George, what kind of promotional events are we talking about?
George: Well, I think we need more special days at the stadium, you know? Like, uh...Joe Pepitone Day. Or, uh...Jon Voight Day.
Mr. Morgan: Jon Voight? The actor? (Rubs his eyes wearily.) Uh, I make a motion that we have no more of these meetings that have been initiated by George Costanza.
George: I suppose if I had suggested Liam Neeson Day, you'd all be patting me on the back.
Contest Winner (To Elaine): I guessed Stan Herman's "Boomtown Blues." What'd you guess?
Elaine: Um, it was, uh..."Next Stop Pottersville." (The group is unimpressed.) Uh, do you know when they're giving out the passes?
Contest Winner: After the music. (The band starts playing directly behind Elaine. She is deafened by the loudness of the horns.)
Kramer: Oh. Oh man. (Takes out a Kleenex and puts his head back. Jon Voight comes out of a doorway and hails a cab.)
Voight: Taxi! (Walks right by Kramer.) Taxi.
Kramer: Hey! Jon Voight! Jon Voight! (Voight waves at Kramer and hurriedly gets in the cab. Kramer runs over to the car.) Hey, listen, can I ask you something? Listen, listen...(Leans in the the open back window of the cab. Defensively, Voight grabs Kramer's arm and bites it. Kramer screams. The cab speeds off leaving Kramer in the street, stunned.)
Jerry: No Jon Voight Day, huh?
George: No. Now I'll always have this doubt about the car. What, your jaw still hurts?
Jerry: Yeah, it's all swollen. I think I may have chipped a tooth when I fell yesterday.
George: You should have somebody take a look at that.
Jerry: I'm calling dentists all day here, there's nobody working the day before Thanksgiving.
George: You going to the party?
Jerry: No, I don't know if I'm invited.
George: Well, there's going to be a lot of dentists there.
Jerry: Yeah, you're right.
George: You don't want to suffer with this all weekend.
Jerry: Yeah, I gotta see a dentist, this is killin' me. Well, I'll take a chance. We'll go together.
George: Maybe I'll just meet you there.
Jerry: You don't want to go with me?
George: Jerry, for all I know this guy went out of his way to not invite you. How am I gonna feel if I show up with an uninvited, unwelcome intruder?
Jerry: The way I feel when I go places with you? (Kramer enters.) Hey, so'd you find my sneakers yet?
Kramer: No. (To George) But I did run into somebody you might be interested in, a Mr. Jon Voight, the actor?
George: Jon Voight! Are you kiddin' me? Did you talk to him?
Kramer: Well, he was a little standoffish.
George: What, you didn't ask him about the car?
Kramer: No, I couldn't, his cab pulled away. But he did, however, make an impression on me. (Pulls up his sleeve and shows George his arm.) Look.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: His tooth marks. He bit me.
George: Jon Voight bit you?
Jerry: Well, what is he, a vampire?
Kramer: No, it's justifiable. He thought I was going for his wallet.
George (Looking At Kramer'S Arm): He left perfect imprints.
Kramer: That he did. Now, you got that pencil with the bite marks on it? We get a trained eye to match 'em up, and we'll see whether or not you're driving Jon Voight's car!
Jerry: Oh, please.
George: Wait a minute, wait, it's not that stupid.
Jerry: No, it's stupid.
George: Why? Why isn't it possible? I mean, they're both bite marks.
Jerry: So you're gonna show up at that party with a chewed-up pencil and Kramer's gnarled arm.
George: It's worth a shot. (Goes to the door.)
Jerry: So, Kramer, you wanna go to the party together?
Kramer: Jerry, look, come on, I'm an invited guest. I can't be aiding and abetting some...party-crasher.
Jerry (Under His Breath, To A Man At The Party): Excuse me, uh...dentist? You a dentist? (The guy shakes his head. Jerry moves on to another guy.) Dentist? Are you a dentist?
George: These are the balloons? Big deal, all I see is Woody Woodpecker.
Kramer: You got a problem with Woody Woodpecker?
George: Yeah, what is he? Some sort of an instigator?
Kramer: That's right. He's a troublemaker.
Jerry: Hey, Elaine. Did you get my message?
Elaine: What? I can't hear a word you're saying. I was stuck at the Dixieland Deli all day. My head is still ringing. Where's Tim?
Jerry (Pointing At The Trophy): What is that, the Empire State Building?
Elaine: What? I can't hear you.
Jerry: Elaine, would you marry me?
Elaine: I told you, I can't hear a word.
Jerry: Alright. Forget it.
George: Hey, Tim.
Tim: Hey, George. Kramer, how ya doin.' (They shake hands.)
George: Watch the arm! Tim, listen, we don't want to bother you, we know you're busy here.
Tim: No, it's no problem, what is it?
George: Let me show you something, take a look at this... (Another guy at the party interrupts.)
Guy: Alright Tim, I'm gonna get goin.'
Tim: Alright, let me take down your number. (Grabs George's pencil, then notices Jerry sitting on the couch.) Is that Jerry Seinfeld?
Kramer: He didn't come with us. (Tim walks over to Jerry.)
George: Uh, Tim, the pencil...
Tim: Jerry.
Jerry: Hey, Tim.
Tim: Jerry. I didn't think you'd show.
Jerry: Did you say, "Jerry, I didn't think you'd show" or, "Jerry, I didn't think you'd show"? (Elaine comes over.)
Tim: Elaine! Hi!
Elaine: Tim.
Tim: Well. I'm really glad you came.
Elaine: What?
Tim: Really glad you came.
Elaine (Deaf): Uh huh.
Tim (Picks Up A Bowl Of Nuts): Listen, Elaine, I've been wanting to ask you...would you like to go out with me New Years Eve? (Elaine thinks Tim is offering her a nut, and shakes her head no. Tim, rejected, walks away.) Thanks.
Elaine (Puzzled): What? What?
George: Let me ask you something. Could you tell if teeth marks on someone's arm matched teeth marks on a pencil?
Dentist: It's possible.
George (To Kramer): Roll up your sleeve.
Dentist: Somebody bit you?
Kramer: Not just someone. Jon Voight.
Dentist: Jon Voight bit you? (George notices Tim across the room with the pencil in his mouth.) The pencil! Hey, hey! Get the pencil out of your mouth, you're destroying Jon Voight's teeth marks!
Tim: That's John Voight's pencil?
George: That's right. I got his whole car downstairs.
Tim: Are you the one who bought his LeBaron convertible?
George (Overjoyed To Find Out): Yes! Yes, I'm the one! Hey! So, you know Jon Voight!
Tim: Yes! Yes, I went to dental school with him.
George: Jon Voight, the actor?
Tim: No. The periodontist. (George snaps the pencil in two.)
Dentist: Can't this wait until Monday? Come by my office.
Jerry: Just a quick peek. I'm in agony.
Dentist: Alright. Sit down.
Jerry (Sits Down): It's this one here in the back. (Tilts his head back, and knocks Elaine's trophy out the window. A loud hissing sound and commotion is heard from the street below. Everyone runs to the windows to look.)
Kramer: Oh! You popped Woody Woodpecker!
Tim (To Jerry): Hey, who invited you, anyway? You're a troublemaker! (Jerry nervously laughs like Woody Woodpecker as the breeze from the popped balloon blows in the window.)
Announcer On Tv: Hey, it looks like Woody Woodpecker is running out of air. In fact, he's collapsing.
Kramer: Those kids look pretty disappointed.
Jerry: Especially that big kid up in the front. (Mr. Pitt is shown on the television, trying to hold up the deflating Woody balloon.) How old is he? (The phone rings.) Hello?
Guy On Phone: Hello, is this Jerry Seinfeld?
Jerry: Yes it is.
Guy On Phone: You don't know me, but a really strange thing happened. I was at a garage sale, and this old couple sold me a used pair of sneakers they claimed belonged to Jerry Seinfeld, the comedian.
Jerry: Can I have the address of that garage sale? Okay, thank you very much. (To Kramer) I found Mom and Pop, they're sellin' my sneakers!
Kramer: Where are they?
Jerry: Parsippany, New Jersey.
Kramer: Let's go!
Jerry: My car's in the shop.
Kramer: Well, how are we getting to Parsippany?
Kramer: Uh. Jerry. These nosebleeds are starting again.
Jerry (Wipes Kramer'S Brow): Maybe we should get you to a hospital.
Kramer (A La Ratso Rizzo In Midnight Cowboy): Hey, I ain't goin' to no Bellevue! Look at me, I'm fallin' apart here.


George: Well I am actually going to have a secretary and I get to do the interview.
Jerry: That's incredible. Six months ago you were taking messages for your mother.
George: Yeah, and now someone's going to be taking messages for me.
Jerry: From your mother.
Jerry: So this ah, woman you plan on hiring, is she going to be in the Spokes model category?
George: Sure. I could go the tomato route. But eh, I've given this a lot of thought Jerry. All that frustration. Ill never get any work done. So Im doing a complete 360. Im going for total efficiency and ability.
Jerry: That's a 180, George.
George: Whatever.
Jerry: Hi Willie.
Willie: Hey Jerry.
Jerry: I got this stuff and ah my mother's fur coat for storage.
Willie: What are you doing with it?
Jerry: Ah, she keeps it in my apartment for when she comes up from Florida.
Donna: Hi.
Jerry: Hi.
Willie: Hey Jerry, you know my wife Donna.
Jerry: Yeah, that's why I said hi.
Willie: Hey, nice jacket. (looking over the jacket)
Jerry: Thanks. It's Hounds-Tooth.
Willie: Whoa, this is a beauty. Great cut. It's probably very flattering.
Jerry: Oh yes, it really accentuates my bust line.
Applicant: Well, I type about 90 words a minute. Im completely well-versed in all IBM and Macintosh programs.
George: (looking over her resume) Well Miss Coggins you're ah, obviously qualified for the job. You've all the necessary skills and experience. But you're extremely attractive. you're gorgeous. Im looking at you, I can't even remember my name. So ah, Im afraid this is not going to work out (he crumples her resume into a ball) Thanks for coming in.
George: You're luscious. You're ravishing. I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra. Im terribly sorry. (both George and the attractive female applicant stand up as George reaches across the desk and shakes her hand for coming in)
Ade: As you can see my references are impeccable. I think Id be a real asset here. My only concern is, I do take care of my mother. So will there be any late nights?
George: I can't imagine.
Elaine: Ok, So Barneys is having this huge sale. I try this dress on - (holds the garment bag out towards Jerry) - Stunning. Stunning. I couldn't take my eyes off myself.
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: OK, so then I put it on at home. It looks like Im carrying twins.
Jerry: So you're saying, Store - Hotsy-Totsy, Home- Hotsy-Notsy.
Elaine: Yeah exactly. Anyway I've got to go over there and return it.
Jerry: I thought we were going to the movies?
Elaine: All right Ill try it on again. You tell me what you think. (she turns and goes into the bedroom to change clothes)
George: Hey hey.
Elaine: Hey George
George: Hey Elaine. (George hangs up his raincoat next to the door) Im telling you Jerry, having a secretary is incredible. (George claps hands) I don't know why I didnt have one before.
Jerry: Because you didnt have a job?
George: Perhaps. (hehe) I walk in, everything is organized - messages, appointments. And I can't tell you how proud I am of myself for going with Ade.
Jerry: A lesser man would have crumbled. They would have gone for the dish and the sure fire sexual-harassment suit.
Jerry: It's a little ...
Elaine: All Right! (throws arms down) You answered it right there.
Jerry: You got no waist in that thing.
George: You arms look like something hanging in a kosher deli.
Elaine: I said, All Right.
George: Well whad you buy it for?
Elaine: Why did I buy it, because in the mirror, at Barneys, I looked fabulous. This woman was just walking by said I looked like Demi (the "i" sounds like an "e") Moore in Indecent Proposal.
Jerry: How fast was she walking?
George: Demi (the "i" sounds like an "e")? I thought it was Demi?
Jerry: No. I think it's Demi. (the "i" sounds like an "e")
George: Really? I never heard of a semi (the "i" sounds like an "e") tractor-trailer. (Jerry nods in agreement)
Elaine: Wait a minute (claps hands) Wait a minute. I know what's going on here. Skinny Mirrors! (she pushes George and Jerry in their respective chests, with her arms extended - one arm for each of them - they recoil with surprise)
Jerry: What?
Elaine: Skinny Mirrors! Barneys has Skinny Mirrors, they make you look, like, 10 pounds lighter.
Jerry: Oh, you're crazy.
Elaine: Am I? (hands on hips) Do you think I would have bought this dress if I looked like this at Barneys?
George: (to Jerry, as Jerry nods in agreement) You know I think she might have something there.
Kramer: Whoa. What are you all dressed up for?
Elaine: Oh Im returning this dress to Barneys.
Kramer: Good idea.
Jerry: Do it tomorrow. Well go to the movies.
Elaine: Yeah yeah, ok.
Kramer: Hey look, if you're going there, maybe you could pick me up some of this super hydrating, it's a total-protection moisturizer with Uva.
Elaine: Moisturizer? That's girls stuff.
Kramer: No no, look. Ill tell you what - they're having a sale right.
Elaine: yeah.
Kramer: Ill meetcha down there, well have lunch.
Elaine: Well we could ...
Kramer: Well, well get to know each other. We never get to spend any time together. Oh sure we have our little group here, but ... (he looks and gestures out towards George and Jerry, as Elaine walks back into the bedroom to change out of the dress - Kramer scratches his head in sort of disbelief)
George: And then assuming the strike is resolved, on April 14th, we, ah, play the Angels. So lets clear a floor at the Anaheim Hotel.
Ade: Anaheim Hotel. (George picks up a container of chinese food from the credenza) You may want to reconsider. I believe they only have room service until 10 P.M. and then it's only finger foods.
George: Ade, you're a wonder. (he he - george laughs)
Ade: OK, now I projected some of those figures for you regarding the switch to Canola oil for the stadium popcorn and surprisingly it will only come to 1/2 a cent more per bag, so it is definitely doable.
George: Ade, I have to tell you, I, I have never met anybody so ... efficient.
Ade: Well thank you, Im flattered.
George: I mean you're just, you're just a marvel of organization.
Ade: Well Im just, hm, doing my job.
George: It's like Im thinking of something, and you're (snaps fingers) one step ahead of me.
Ade: What can I say? Im ... Im good at what I do. (smiling and quietly laughing proudly)
George: (coyly, he looks down and runs his finger along the top of the chair back in front of him) Do you, uh ... do you know what Im ... thinking about now?
Ade: (thinking about the question, she stops writing) Yes, I think I do. (she turns her head slowly and looks directly at him)
George: Is it, uh, doable?
Ade: It's definitely doable.
Jerry: Well, that was the worst.
Elaine: I cant believe they made the Wife the killer. (putting on gloves) Gimme a break.
Man: (waiting in line for tickets, he overhears Elaine) Hey, give us a break. We haven't seen it yet. Thanks a lot big mouth!
Another Man: (waiting in line, closer to the box office) Yeah! (in agreement with the other guy)
Kramer: You got a pen?
Jerry: Yeah, I think I do.
Kramer: And I need something to write on.
Jerry: Well, all I got is my dry-cleaning stub.
Kramer: I gust met Uma Therman. She's giving me her telephone number. Uma Jerry, Uma.
Jerry: Uma Therman? Really?
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: How'd you manage that.
Kramer: Yeah well I don't have any time to talk now. (he rushes back into the theater)
Jerry: He's got the Kavorca. (looking towards the theater door, Jerry notices one of the movie goers) Hey, isn't that Willie, my dry-cleaner?
Elaine: Where?
Jerry: He just went in. You know, I think he was wearing my Hounds-Tooth jacket.
Elaine: What would he be doing wearing your jacket?
Jerry: It looked just like the jacket I brought in to be dry-cleaned. He complimented me on it.
Elaine: Are you sure?
Kramer: I got it. Uma, Uma, Uma. (looking at the ticket)
Elaine: You are amazing.
Kramer: Yeah, all right. Taxi's on me. (he walks off camera)
Ade: Ah no no no no no. A better way to reach the bra would be to undo the jacket, then go around the back of the shirt.
George: Ade you are incredible
Ade: Oh ...oh ...oh ... Here, I want to show you something. Hand me that pillow.
George: What? Oh, My God!
Ade: Mr. CO STAN ZA!
George: Ade, ahh, ahh, ah ... Im giving you a raise!
Jerry: So you're having sex and then all of a sudden, you just blurt out Im giving you a raise.
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Just a quick sidebar here - are you in anyway authorized to give raises?
George: Not that Im aware of, no.
Jerry: So you're so grateful to have sex, that you'll just shout out anything that comes into your head.
George: I didnt think ahead.
Jerry: Well maybe she'll just think it was bawdy talk.
George: I didnt say any other bawdy things.
Jerry: Maybe you could have sex with her again and then take it back.
George: All right, you know you're not any help at all here. I don't know what even the point is of talking to you anymore.
Jerry: All right, all right. Im sorry.
George: Yeah, well, I guess the only thing I can do is go into George Steinbrenners office and tell him he has to give her a raise.
Jerry: How long has she been there?
George: 3 days.
Jerry: It's almost a week.
Jerry: Oh, My god.
George: What?
Jerry: It's a movie stub from the 930 show. George, I think Willie the dry-cleaner has been wearing my clothes.
Elaine: These mirrors are skinny mirrors. This is false ... reflecting. And I think, that the department of ... you know, whatever, would be very interested to know what's going on here.
Barney'S Sales Associate: Well, we're more than happy to exchange it for something else.
Elaine: OK fine. (smiling) I did like that little Calvin Klein number right by the elevator. You know the little ... (motions in the direction of the elevator)
Barney'S Sales Associate: Ill bring it to your dressing room.
Elaine: Ok thanks so much. (the Barneys sales associate turns and walks away. Elaine turns to Kramer as he admires himself in the mirror) What are you all dressed up for?
Kramer: Well Elaine, when you're shopping on Madison Avenue, you don't want to skip on the, swank.
Elaine: I like your little bag.
Kramer: Huh, oh hey, look at this. (he pulls a little tube out of the bag) It's the super hydrating, triple-action moisturizer, hmm.
Elaine: Huh.
Kramer: Wait till that Uma smells this Uva.
Bania: Hey Kramer.
Kramer: Hey Bania, what's happening? (Kramer, looking into the mirror, is putting moisturizer under his eyes)
Bania: Im looking for a new suit. I cant find anything I like. That's a nice suit. (admiring Kramers suit)
Kramer: Well, thank you.
Bania: Did you get that here?
Kramer: No, this is vintage. They don't make this stuff anymore.
Bania: You're telling me.
Kramer: I sure am.
Bania: It's hard for me to find pants that -
Kramer: (interrupting Bania) That don't make you look high-waisted.
Bania: Yes
Kramer: Me too.
Bania: What size are you?
Kramer: Uh, 42.
Bania: 42, That's what I am now. I've been working out, Im huge. How'd you like to sell it?
Kramer: make me an offer.
Bania: 100 Bucks
Kramer: Surely you jest. (walks away from Bania)
Bania: 175
Kramer: Look at the stitching (takes the jacket off to show Bania) This is old world craftsmanship.
Bania: 300 dollars.
Kramer: Sold. Follow me into the dressing room.
Bania: You throw the shirt in?
Kramer: Bania, you're killing me.
Bania: Hey that's the women's dressing room.
Kramer: There's nothing in there that I haven't seen before.
George: (Opens the door, looks in and then knocks 5 times) Mr. Steinbrenner, (waves) can I talk to you for a second?
Steinbrenner: Yes yes George. Can you talk to me for a second? Of course you can - Im a very accessible man. I just wanted to say you're doing great work on that Canola oil stuff.
George: Well, you know, to be honest sir - my, my new secretary Ade, came up with that one.
Steinbrenner: Ade, Ade, I like that name George.
George: She supports her whole family. (walking slowly into the room)
Steinbrenner: Is that a fact George?
George: Yes, In fact, her mother is in the hospital right now. It's some kind of a Diverticulitis. (he continues walking slowly towards Steinbrenners desk)
Steinbrenner: I had a bout of that myself one time - knocked me right on my ass.
George: She cant even afford to go out to lunch. She's been eating in a high school cafeterias She pretends to be a teacher. It's pathetic.
Steinbrenner: What's that cost her, like, two and a quarter? ($2.25)
George: You know what I was just thinking - she could really use a raise.
Steinbrenner: You know, she'd be better off making a sandwich at home and bringing it in. (picks up the telephone hand set) Hello, ah, George will you excuse me.
Kramer: Psst. Hey.
Elaine: Kramer, what are you doing here?
Kramer: Listen, I need you to get me some clothes.
Elaine: What?
Kramer: Yeah, I just sold my suit to Bania for a cool three-hundred.
Elaine: So go buy a new one.
Kramer: What, at this place? It would destroy my whole profit margin.
Elaine: So.
Kramer: Listen do me a favor - just call Jerry, tell him to bring me some clothes.
Elaine: Ouhhh (Kramer disappears back behind his wall as Elaine opens the dressing room door)
Jerry: Hello, Willie.
Willie: Hey, Jerry. You dropping off?
Jerry: No, but ah, seen any good movies lately?
Willie: You came by to ask that?
Jerry: Yeah. Specifically 930 shows. Seen any good 930 shows at the Paragon, Willie?
Willie: What are you gettin at?
Jerry: I saw you the other night stepping out with my Hounds-Tooth jacket.
Willie: Jerry that's a breach of the dry-cleaners code.
Jerry: You need a code to tell you not to wear peoples clothes
Willie: I wasn't wearing your jacket. Jerry you're imagining things. (he makes the circular motion next to his ears - the international symbol for insane)
Jerry: Yeahhh, am I imagining this? (he whips out the movie stub and holds it up to Willie) Found this little cutie in the pocket. (throws the stub on the counter)
Willie: Jerry.
Jerry: Yeah, Yeah. Well, now that we understand each other - Ill be taking my business elsewhere. And I want my mother's fur coat back too.
Willie: Jerry, come on.
Jerry: Now.
Willie: Now? (Willie looks off with his eyes to his left - he is thinking about his wife Donna)
Jerry: Yeah. I want that coat. (Jerry opens his wallet, looking for the dry-cleaning ticket)
Willie: Well ... ahh. (apprehensively)
Jerry: Where's that ticket? Oh, Kramer.
Willie: Wait, you, you mean to tell me you don't have a ticket for the coat?
Jerry: No, not on me.
Willie: Well, I, I need to see that ticket.
Jerry: Why? I've got my cleaning before without a ticket.
Willie: Yeah, but this is different. Those fur storage warehouses are huge. You cant, get anything without a number.
Jerry: All right, Ill be back.
Elaine: Yeah it looks good here, but what does that mean?
Barney'S Sales Associate: So, uh, do you want it?
Elaine: I don't know, I have to think about it. (the sales associate walks away) I need a nonpartisan mirror.
Ade: I cant thank you enough, Mr. Costanza. Im so grateful
George: Yes, well, I sat down with Mr. Steinbrenner. I told him you have been doing great work. I said that you deserved a raise, and if you didnt get it, that I, was leaving. (motions with both arms in a circular motion to his right)
Ade: It was just so generous.
George: Oh, well, don't worry about it - he's got plenty of money. (spins his chair away from her)
Ade: Oh I know, but Twenty Five Thousand.
George: (spins his chair back to face her) So you got a $25,000 a year raise.
Ade: Yes, I tell you, Mr. Steinbrenner...
George: You're making more than I am.
Ade: I am?
George: What are you doing? You're making more than I am. A secretary cannot make more than her boss.
Ade: Well apparently they can.
Elaine: Oh, this is insanity. Im not this hippie. (meaning her hips are not that large)
Elaine: Hey, what do you think of this?
Man: (with disbelief) You'll never pull it off.
Female Customer: Hey, what's going on in there?
Jerry: (to the Barneys sales associate) Excuse me, could you tell me where I could find, like, women's moisturizer lotions?
Female Customer: This woman has been in there for over an hour.
Barney'S Sales Associate: Excuse me Miss., Is everything ok in there?
Kramer: [Yeah] (through the door)
Jerry: Kramer?
Kramer: Oh, Jerry, you got my clothes?
Jerry: What clothes?
Kramer: Didnt Elaine call you?
Jerry: No.
Kramer: Well what are you doing here?
Jerry: What am I doing here? You're in the women's dressing room. I need that ticket stub back so I can get my mother's fur coat out.
Kramer: Oh, the stub, yeah. I left it in my, my pants
Jerry: Where are your pants?
Kramer: Well, I sold them to Bania.
Jerry: What? You sold your pants to Bania. Let me in.
Jerry: Why'd you sell your pants to Bania?
Kramer: ouhhh - I had Uma Thermans number written on that stub. I lost Umas number.
Jerry: Where are your clothes?
Kramer: I told you I sold them to Bania.
Jerry: You mean what you were wearing?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: How'd you expect to get out of here?
Kramer: Well, I didnt think ahead.
Elaine: This isn't going to work for me ... so if you could show me something else.
Barney'S Sales Associate: No.
Elaine: No?
Barney'S Sales Associate: No, because you're taking that one.
Elaine: I am?
Barney'S Sales Associate: Yes. Because you wore it out of the store.
Elaine: Ha! That's preposterous.
Barney'S Sales Associate: I suppose that salt stain came from all the snow in the store.
Barney'S Sales Associate: Shall I wrap it or will you wear it out?
Elaine: No. You can wrap it. (Dejected. Elaine puts her head down and her hand to her forehead as she walks into the dressing room area) Kramer, are you still in there?
Jerry: [Elaine]
Elaine: Jerry?
Bania: Elaine, where's Kramer?
Kramer: Bania?
Bania: Kramer.
Jerry: Im going out. (he comes out of the dressing room, while Kramer remains inside)
Bania: Jerry.
Jerry: Bania.
Bania: Kramer, I want my money back for this suit. You're nancy-boy cream leaked all over the pockets - Suits ruined.
Kramer: Well you're not getting any money back. (Kramer opens the door) Jerry, come back in here.
Jerry: (to Bania) Excuse me. (he goes back in the dressing room)
Kramer: Umas number is on that ticket.
Jerry: Never mind Uma, I need that ticket to get my mother's fur coat back. Why don't you just give him the money for the suit?
Kramer: Im not going to give him $300 now for a suit with moisturizer cream all over it.
Jerry: I got an idea.
Kramer: What?
Jerry: I cant believe Im gonna do this. (Jerry opens the door and exits the dressing room. He walks over to Bania)
Jerry: Bania can I talk to you for a second? How's everything going?
Bania: Pretty good.
Jerry: Yeah, well, see the thing of it is, Im in a bit of an awkward position here. Because, uhh, I don't want to get in between you two guys but ... I need a dry-cleaning ticket that's in the pocket of those pants.
Bania: Well all you gotta do is tell Kramer to give me my money back, and you'll get your ticket.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah all right, well uh ... tell you what I will do Bania - you give me the ticket, and uh, I will take you out for a nice dinner.
Bania: Can we go back to Mendys?
Jerry: You want to go to Mendys, Ill take you to Mendys.
Bania: Twice? I wanna go twice.
Jerry: all right lets be reasonable, Bania. Im taking you out for a nice dinner. All I want is a little ticket in that pocket. I think it's a pretty good deal.
Bania: Two Mendys.
Jerry: . . . All right (gritting teeth) Just give me the ticket.
Bania: Here you go.
Jerry: Ohh ... (takes the ticket and heads for the dressing room)
George: But Mr. Steinbrenner, how can I be expected to perform my job properly, knowing that my uh, subordinate is making more money than I am? With all due respect sir, it's outta whack.
Steinbrenner: Uh huh, I understand what you're saying George and I know what it's like to be financially strapped. When I was a young man in Cleveland I use to hitchhike to work. One time I got picked up by a bakery truck. You think that stuff smells good? Try being cooped up in the back of one of those babies.
Steinbrenner: I couldn't look at a donut for the next two years. Well not that I was ever one for the sweets.
Steinbrenner: Sure I like a cup cake every now and then, like everybody else. You know I like it when they have a little cream on the inside, it's a surprise. That's good, plus the chocolate ones are good too. Sometimes I just cant even make up my mind. A lot of times Ill mix the two together, make a vanilla fudge.
Jerry: Let me in, it's me. (Kramer opens the door, Jerry goes in the dressing room) Here. You don't know what this is costing me. (hands Kramer the ticket)
Kramer: (closes the door) All right, nice work. (he looks at the ticket, flips it over, and then over again) Where's Umas number? The moisturizer smudged out the phone number.
Jerry: (Takes the ticket back and looks at it, flips it over) The dry-cleaning numbers are gone too.
Kramer: (grabs the ticket back and holds it up to the light) It must have been the botanical extracts.
Jerry: (grabs the ticket back) Give me that.
Jerry: Hey Bania, the dinners off. The ticket's no good. The numbers are all smudged out. (holds out the ticket and hands it to Bania)
Bania: (looking at the ticket then quickly looks up at Jerry) You trying to get out of Mendys? you cant do that.
Jerry: The ticket is worthless.
Bania: You promised me.
Jerry: Hey, Isn't that my mother's fur coat?
Donna: No it's not. (the coat)
Jerry: It is! (Jerry walks forcefully into the dressing room and closes the door) Give me that back.
Donna: No, what are you talking about.
Donna: Are you out of your mind? Don't you ... take your hands ...
Jerry: You cant have that coat, it's not yours.
Jerry: What do you think the dry-cleaners is your own personal closet!
Elaine: Donna, do you think you can get the salt stain out of this?
Donna: Let me see. (Looking at the stain) Piece of cake. Bring it
Elaine: (Tilts her head down, looking over her glasses in amazement of
Bania: Mmm. This soup is great.
Jerry: Yeah, it's very good. (reluctantly)
Bania: I told you Mendys had the best pea soup. The best Jerry, the best. Are you enjoying it?
Jerry: Yeah. Im having a wonderful time. (it's obvious he isn't)
Bania: Wait till you try the swordfish. You know Jerry, I was thinking. For our next meal, do you think we should come here ... or should we go someplace else? You know it has it's pros and cons. On the one hand, here, you're guaranteed a great meal. On the other hand -
Jerry: (Interrupting Bania) Yeah, yeah I know. This would be good, but it would be the same. But if we go some place else, it would be different, but it might not be as good. It's a gamble. I get it.
Bania: Yeah. Well, lets hurry up and eat I gotta get out of here. Im meeting a woman for a drink.
Jerry: Oh, and who might that be?
Bania: Some woman named Uma. I got her number off of that ticket before it was smudged. Hope she's good-looking. (crosses his fingers in the air)
Jerry: If you are a waitress and you ever see me in a restaurant, Im telling you right now, I don't want to hear about the specials. I don't want to know about the specials. Im sick of the specials. I hate the specials. My feeling is, if the specials were so special, they'd be on the menu. You know what's special about them? They don't know if anybody likes them. They always have these overly creative descriptions of the specials too, you know. The veil is lightly slapped, and then sequestered in a one-bedroom suite with a white wine intravenous.


Jerry: Ready to go Lois?
Lois: You really like to say my name? Don't you?
Jerry: Excuse me Lois. Stand back Lois. Jimmy's in trouble Lois.
Lois: Oh, Mr. Meyers this is my friend, Jerry.
Duncan: Jerry Seinfeld!
Jerry: Duncan Meyers!
Lois: You two know each other?
Duncan: Yeah! We uh, went to High School together. Didn't we Jerry? Gee I hope you're not leaving now. We still have a lot of work left to do.
Lois: Would you be able to come all the way downtown again in rush hour to pick me up?
Jerry: Well, I'd have to be Superman to do that Lois.
Elaine: No, no This is all wrong. Where's the Chicken Cashew?
Lew: You no order Chicken Cashew.
Elaine: I didn't order any of this. I'm not paying for this.
Lew: Fine Benes. We are putting you on our list.
Elaine: What list?
Lew: The "do not deliver" list.
Elaine: MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU! Well, I guess we'll just go out.
George: Yeah. What are you doing with the Daily Worker?
Elaine: Ned must have left it here.
George: Your boyfriend reads the Daily Worker? What is he? A communist?
Elaine: HE reads everything, you know, Ned's very well read.
George: Maybe he's just "very well RED"?
Elaine: Communist? Don't you think he probably would have told me?
George: Well, does he wear bland, drab, olive colored clothing?
Elaine: Yes, . . . yes he does dress a little drab.
George: Huh, he's a communist. . . . Look at this. "Exciting uninhibited woman seeks forward thinking comrade and appearance not important." . . . Appearance Not Important! This is unbelievable. Finally this is an ideology I can embrace.
Jerry: Hi oh.
Elaine & George: Hey.
Elaine: Where's Lois?
Jerry: She couldn't make it.
George: I can't believe you're really going out with a woman named Lois.
Jerry: I know, finally. But George, guess who her boss is. Duncan Meyers.
George: Duncan Meyers?
Elaine: Who's he?
Jerry: Elaine, only one other person in the world knows what I am about to tell you and that's George. When we were in the ninth grade they had us all line up at one end of the school yard for this big race to see who was going to represent the school in this track meet.
Elaine: Uh uh
Jerry: I was the last one on the end. George was next to me. And Mr. Bevilacqua, the gym . . .
Elaine: What's that?
Jerry: Mr. Bevilacqua, the gym teacher.
Elaine: Oh, of course.
Jerry: He was down at the other end. So he yells out, "Ready, On your mark, Get set, " and I was so keyed up I just took off. By the time he said go I was ten yards ahead of everybody.
Elaine: No.
George: I looked up. I couldn't believe it.
Jerry: By the time the race was over I had won. I was shocked nobody had noticed the head start.
Elaine: Really?
Jerry: And I had won by so much a myth began to grow about my speed. Only Duncan suspected something was a miss. He's hated me ever since. Now he's back.
Elaine: Well what happened when you raced him again?
Jerry: I never did. In four years of high school I would never race anyone again. Not even to the end of the block to catch a bus. And so the legend grew. Everyone wanted me to race. They begged me. The track coach called my parents. Pleading. Telling them it was a sin to waste my god given talent. But I answered him in the same way I answered everyone. I chose not to run.
Elaine: So now Duncan is back?
Jerry: He's back. And I knew he would be someday. (drinks) Man that's some tart cider!
Lois: Hi.
Jerry: Hi.
Lois: Sorry I missed the Chinese food.
Jerry: Oh, so am I . Uh, how's Duncan?
Lois: He's okay.
Jerry: He say anything?
Lois: About what?
Jerry: Oh, nothing in particular.
Lois: . . . Why did you cheat in that race?
Jerry: I did not cheat.
Lois: He said that you got a head start.
Jerry: Oh, he's just jealous because he came in second.
Lois: Really?
Jerry: Yes
Lois: So you WERE the fastest kid in school.
Jerry: Faster than a speeding bullet Lois.
Elaine: So how was work? Another day, another dollar?
Ned: I guess.
Elaine: Oh well nothing wrong with that. Gotta make those big bucks. . . . money money money money money money money . . . ha ha ha ha ah . . . are you a communist?
Ned: Yes, as a matter of fact I am.
Elaine: OH, AH! OH! WOW! WHOA! A COMMIE! Wow, gee, man it must be a bummer for you guys what with the fall of the soviet empire and everything .
Ned: Yeah, well, we still got China, and Cuba,
Elaine: Yeah, but come on . . .
Ned: I know it's not the same.
Elaine: Well, you had a good run, what was it 75, 80 years? Wreaking havoc, making everybody nervous.
Ned: Yeah, we had a good run.
Elaine: Well, so enjoy yourself. (clink glasses) ha ha uh ha
George: So you lied to her?
Jerry: I couldn't tell her the truth. I don't know what's going to happen between us. What if we have a bad breakup. She'll go straight to Duncan. And I want him to go to his grave never being certain I got that
Elaine: Well, I'm dating a communist.
Jerry: Wow, a communist. That's something.
Elaine: Yeah, that's pretty cool isn't it?
George: Hey, did I tell you I called one of those girls from the personal ads in The Daily Worker?
Jerry: The Daily Worker has personal ads?
George: And they say appearance is not important.
Jerry: Yours or hers?
Kramer: Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas everyone. Merry Christmas.
Jerry: Wow, look at you. So you got the job.
Kramer: Yeah, you're looking at the new Santa at Coleman's Department store.
Elaine: Oh, congratulations
Mickey: Come on get your bead on. We're going to be late.
Kramer: On Prancer on Dasher, on Donna.
Mickey: Not Donna, it's Donner.
Kramer: Donna!
Mickey: Yeah, right!. On Prancer, on Dancer, on Donna, on Ethyl, on Harriet.
Jerry: Hello, Oh hi Lois, you want to get together, what for? I don't know about that, I'll have to think about it. I'll let you know. Okay, bye.
George: What's up?
Jerry: Duncan wants to get together with her and me for lunch tomorrow. He obviously wants me to admit I got a head start. And I don't think she believes me.
George: He wants to meet you? I'll tell you what. I'll show up. He doesn't know we're friends. I'll pretend I haven't seen you since High School. I'll back up the story.
Jerry: That's not bad.
George: Not bad? It's gorgeous!
Kramer: Ho ho ho Well come on little Princess, tell Santa what you want. Don't be shy.
Mom: She doesn't speak English (with a Swedish accent).
Kramer: Santa speaks the language of all children. A notchie watchie dotchie do.
Kramer: A dotchie cotchie dochie,
Kramer: Het, Mickey when do we get a break? My lap is killing me.
Mickey: There is no break.
Kramer: A sweat shop.
Kramer: Hey, hey, hey.
Ada: Natalie on line 2.
George: Natalie?
Ada: From the Daily Worker.
George: Thank you.
George: Hello, it's Natalie? Yeah, this is a business office but I'm not a business man per se. I'm here working for the people. Yes, I'm causing dissent. Stirring the pot. Getting people to question the whole rotten system.
Ilene: Elaine.
Elaine: Ilene.
Ilene: Hi.
Elaine: Hello.
Ilene: Doing a little Christmas shopping?
Elaine: Yeah, yeah. Oh, this is Ned. He's a communist.
Ilene: Oh, really?
Elaine: Yep . . . a big communist, a big big communist.
Ilene: Oh, well, it's awfully nice to see you. See you later.
Elaine: Bye bye
Elaine: Hey, listen while we're here why don't we do a little shirt shopping?
Ned: Out of the question.
Elaine: Um. Kramer!
Kramer: Hi
Elaine: Hi, oh hi Mickey, this is Ned
Kramer: Oh, hey, hi buddy.
Elaine: You guys stay here, I'll be right back.
Kramer: Eight hours of jingle belling and ho ho hoing. Boy, I am ho'd out.
Ned: Anyone who works here is a sap.
Mickey: Watch it!
Kramer: Woah, woah, come on.
Ned: You understand the Santa's at Bloomfields are making double what you are?
Kramer: Double?
Ned: I bet the beard itches doesn't it?
Kramer: You got that straight.
Ned: So when you get a rash all over your face in January do you think Coleman's will be there with a medical plan?
Mickey: Look, you take that commie crap out into the street.
Ned: Kramer, I've got some literature in my car that will change your whole way of thinking.
Kramer: Talk to me baby.
Mickey: Don't listen to him Kramer, you've got a good job here.
Duncan: But there's no way you could have beaten me by that much. I already beaten you in Junior High School three times.
Jerry: I didn't hit puberty til the 9th grade. That's what gave me my speed. Besides, if I got a head start why didn't Mr. Bevilacqua stop the race?
Duncan: That's what I've always wondered about.
Jerry: Well, I . . . [sees George]
George: Oh, my God, No, oh my God, . . . Jerry!
Jerry: I'm sorry, uh,
George: George, George Costanza!
Jerry: Oh, George Costanza , Kennedy High.
George: Yes yes yes This is unbelievable.
Duncan: Hi, George
George: Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, don't tell me, don't tell me. It starts with a . . . Duncan Meyers. Oh, wow, this is something. I haven't seen you guys in what, twenty years?
Jerry: This is Lois.
Lois: Hello.
George: So what have you been doing with yourself?
Jerry: I'm I'm a comedian.
George: Ah ha, well, I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. So what do you do, a lot of that "did you ever notice?" this kind of stuff.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah
George: It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor now.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah, Well, you really got bald there, didn't you?
George: Yeah, yeah.
Jerry: You really used to have a think full head of hair.
George: Yeah, yeah. Well, I guess I started losing it when I was about twenty-eight right around the time I made my first million. You know what they say. The first million is the hardest one.
Jerry: yeah, yeah.
Lois: What do you do?
George: I'm an architect.
Lois: Have you designed any buildings in New York?
George: Have you seen the new addition to the Guggenheim?
Lois: You did that?
George: Yep. And it didn't take very long either.
Jerry: Well you've really built yourself up into something.
George: Well, well, I had a dream, Jerry.
Jerry: Well, one cannot help[ but wonder what brings you into a crummy little coffee shop like this.
George: Well, I like to stay in touch with the people.
Jerry: Ah, you know you have a hole in your sneaker there. What is that canvas?
George: You know my driver's waiting, I really should get running. Good to see you guys again.
Jerry: George, George, hang on. I haven't seen you in so long.
George: Ha, uh,
Jerry: I thought we might reminisce a little more. You know Duncan and I were just taking about the big race.
George: Oh, the big race.
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Yes, yes,.
Lois: You were there?
George: Yes, sure, surely was. Yeah, I'll remember that day. Well I'll never forget it because that was the day that I uh, lost my virginity to Miss. Stafford, the uh, voluptuous home room teacher.
Duncan: Miss Stafford?
George: Yes, yes, you know I was in detention and she came up behind me while I was erasing the blackboard . . .
Jerry: George!
George: But I digress. Let me see, now. You were standing at one end of the line and I was right next to you. And I remember we were even for like, the first five yards and then , BOOM,...You were gone.
Jerry: Did I get a head start?
George: Head start, oh no absolutely not.
Jerry: You satisfied? So you see?
Duncan: No, I'm still not convinced and I never will be.
Lois: Why don't the two of you just race again?
Duncan: That's a good idea.
Jerry: No, no, no, another race - out of the question.
Duncan: I know, you've been saying that for twenty years because you know you can't beat me. You couldn't beat me then and you can't beat me now.
Lois: Race him Jerry. Race him.
Jerry: All right! I'll do it. The race is on.
Elaine: . . . shut up! (?)
Jerry: And he's calling all these people from High School to come and watch. I knew this day would come. I can't do it. I can't go through with it. I'm calling it off. I can't let the legend die. It's like a kid finding out there's no Santa Claus
Kramer: Each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.
Mickey: What does that mean?
Kramer: Well, if you've got needs and abilities that's a pretty good combination.
Mickey: So what if I want to open up a delicatessen?
Kramer: There are no delicatessens under Communism.
Mickey: Why not?
Kramer: Well, because the meats are divided into a class system. You got Pastrami and Corned Beef in one class and Salami and Bologna in another. That's not right.
Mickey: So you can't get Corned Beef?
Kramer: Well, you know, if you're in the Politburo, maybe.
George: (on phone) . It's George Costanza. . are there any messages for me? Why does Mr. Steinbrenner want to see me in his office? . . . Communist? I'm not a Communist . . . . All right, all right. All right, I'll be there. - ( hangs up ) My secretary Ada, told Mr Steinbrenner I'm a Communist Now he wants to see me in his office.
Jerry: So you'll just explain to him you're not a Communist. You just called the woman for a date.
Jerry: Hello, oh hi Duncan, 400 o'clock tomorrow? That is not going to work. . . . Why? I'll tell you why. Because I chose not to run!
Ned: I'm sorry Elaine. The shirt's too fancy.
Elaine: Just because you're a communist, does that mean you can't wear anything nice? You look like Trotsky. It's gorgeous. Fine, you want to be a Communist, be a Communist. Can't you at least look like a successful Communist?
Ned: All right, I'll try it on.
Elaine: I'm going to order Chinese Food.
Ned: You're ordering from Hop Sing's, right?
Elaine: Ugh, does it have to be Hop Sing's. I kind of had a fight with him.
Ned: Elaine, when my father was black listed he couldn't work for years. He and his friends used to sit at Hop Sing's every day figuring out how to survive.
Elaine: You're father was blacklisted?
Ned: Yes he was, and you know why? Because he was betrayed by people he trusted. They "named names".
Elaine: Okay, okay. (phones) Um, yeah, hi, I'd like delivery please to 16 West 75th St. apartment 2G.
Lew: I know that address. You're Benes, right. You're on our list. No more delivery.
Elaine: No. no, she doesn't live here anymore. This is someone else.
Lew: Oh, yeah. What's the name?
Elaine: Why do you need the name? You already have the address.
Lew: We need a name. Give us a name.
Elaine: Okay, okay, Ned Isakoff.
Kid: I want a racing car set.
Kramer: Ho ho ho ho A racing car set! Those are assembled in Tai Wan by kids like you. And these Coleman pigs, they sell it at triple the cost.
Kid: But I want a racing car set.
Kramer: You see kid, you're being bamboozaled. These capatalist fat cats are inflating the profit margin and reducing your total number of toys.
Kid: Hey, this guy's a COMMIE!
Mickey: Hey, kid, quiet. Were did a nice little boy like you learn such a bad word like that? Huh?
Kid: Commie, Commie, Commie . . . (unknown) .
Mickey: Santa is not a Commie. He just forgot how his good friend stuck his neck out for him to get him a good job like this. Didn't he Santa!
Store Manager: Is there a problem here?
Kramer: ho ho ho ho.
Kid: This guy's a Commie. He's spreading propoganda.
Store Manager: Oh yeah? Well that's enough pinko! You're through. The both of ya'
Mickey: I got two kids in college.
Kramer: You can't fire me, I'm Santa Claus.
Store Manager: Not anymore. Get your skinny ass out of here.
Jerry: Hi how are you?
Lois: . . . Fine.
Jerry: What's the matter?
Lois: I just spoke to Duncan. He said if you don't race, he's going to fire me.
Jerry: What? He can't do that.
Lois: Yes he can. He controls the means of production. What are you going to do Jerry?
Jerry: Don't worry Lois. I'll think of something.
Lew: Ah, I knew it was you! You tried to trick Hop Sing! You are onour list; Elaine Benes! And now you are on our list; Ned Isakoff.
Ned: You got me blacklisted from Hop Sing's?
Lew: She named name!
George: You, uh, wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner?
Steinbrenner: Yes George, I did. Come in, come in. George, the wordaround the office is that you're a Communist.
George: C-Communist? I am a Yankee, sir, first and foremost.
Steinbrenner: You know George, it struck me today me that a Communistpipeline into the vast reservoir of Cuban baseball talent could be thegreatest thing ever to happen to this organization.
George: Sir?
Steinbrenner: You could be invaluable to this franchise. George, there's a southpaw down there nobody's been able to get a look at; something Rodriguez, I don't really know his name. You get yourselfdown to Havana right away.
George: Yes, sir. Yes sir, do my best.
Steinbrenner: Good, Merry Christmas George. And bring me back some of those cigars in the cedar boxes, you know the ones with the fancy rings? I love those fancy rings. They kind of distract you while you're smoking. The red and yellow are nice. It looks good against the brown of the cigar. The Maduro, I like the Maduro wrapper. The darker the better, that's what I say. Of course, the Claro's good too. That's more of a pale brown, almost like a milky coffee. (George exits) I find the ring size very confusing. They have it in centimeters which I don't really understand that well...
Mickey: That was quick! Nice job, Santa!
Kramer: Yeah,
Mickey: I knew that Commie stuff was going to get us in trouble.
Kramer: Yeah, well I didn't realize that was such a sensitive issue.
Mickey: Communism, You didn't realize Communism was a sensitive issue? What do you think has been going on in the world for the past 60 years? Wake up and smell the coffee.
Kramer: I guess I screwed up!
Mickey: You sure did. Big time.
Elaine: How do you feel?
Jerry: I need a miracle.
Duncan: Now you're going to see what kind of liar you're mixed up with.
Lois: If he beats you I want a big raise.
Duncan: If he beats me, I'll not only give you a raise, I'll send you to Hawaii for two weeks.
Kramer: I parked in front of that restaurant . As soon as this race is over I got to go to the airport.
George: Okay, all right, all right.
Mr. Bevilacqua: You ready boys?
Jerry: Yes, Mr. Beviacqua
Mr. Bevilacqua: Okay, this is hoiw it works. You take your marks, I say, READY - ON YOUR MARK - GET SET - and then fire. You got it?
Duncan & Jerry: Yes Mr. Bevilacqua.
Mr. Bevilacqua: READY - ON YOUR MARK
Lois: So will you come to Hawaii with me Jerry?
Jerry: Maybe I will , Lois. Maybe I will.
George: You wanted to see me, El Presidente?
Castro: Si, si. (a Spanish word I can't figure out) Come here. I understand you are very interested in one of our players, eh?
George: Si, si.
Castro: Ordinarily I would not grant such a request but I've heard you are, uh, how you say, Communista simpatico, eh?
George: Muy sumpatico. Muy muy muy.
Castro: Well good, then you can have your pick.
George: Oh, oh!
Castro: They will play for your Yankees.
George: Oh well, gracias El Commandante, gracias. Muy muy.
Castro: And I would be honored if you would be my guest for dinner tonight at the Presidential palace. There will be girls there and, I hear, some pretty good food. Of course the problem with parties is you invariably have to eat standing up which I don't care for but on the other hand I don't like to balance a plate on my lap either. Once when I was at a party, I put my plate on someone's piano. I assure you, if I had not been a dictator, I would not have been able to get away with that one.