George: Say you, me, and Kramer are, uh, flying over the Andes.
Jerry: Why are we flyin' over the Andes?
George: We got a soccer game in Chile. Anyway, the plane crashes. Who are you gonna eat to survive?
Jerry: Kramer.
George: So fast? What about me?
Jerry: No.
George: Kramer's so stringy. I'm plump, juicy.
Jerry: Kramer's got more muscle, higher protein content. It's better for you.
George: Well I would eat you.
Jerry: That's very nice, I guess.
George: I still don't see why you wouldn't eat me. I'm your best friend.
Jerry: Look, if other people are having some, I'll try you.
George: Thank you.
Jerry: Can I have a piece of that?
George: No.
Louise: George, I can't have sex.
George: With me or in general?
Louise: I went to the doctor today. I have mono.
George: Nucleosis.
Louise: Oh I hope it's not a problem for you.
George: No, no, pff...
Louise: How long is this not gonna be a problem for me?
Jerry: Six weeks?
George: Yeah, six weeks.
Jerry: Well, so what? you've gone six weeks before.
George: I can do six weeks standin' on my head. I'm a sexual camel. That's not the point. At least there was the possibility.
Jerry: Well, so, are you gonna break up with her?
George: I don't know. I don't wanna be one of those guys.
Jerry: What guys?
George: Like us. (Elaine enters)
Jerry: Yeah.
George: So it's just mono.
Elaine: Mono? Huh, well, if anyone needs any medical advise, Elaine met a doctor. And he's unattached.
Jerry: I thought the whole dream of dating a doctor was debunked.
Elaine: No, it's not debunked, it's totally bunk.
Jerry: Isn't bunk bad? Like, that's a lot of bunk.
George: No something is bunk and then you debunk it.
Jerry: What?
Elaine: Huh?
George: I think. (Pause as they all look down)
Elaine: Look it, I'm dating a doctor and I like it. Let's just move on. (Phone rings)
Jerry: Hello?
Katie: Jerry.
Jerry: Oh hi, Katie.
Katie: Listen, something just came up for Tuesday at the Dayton Civic Center. That's Ohio, Jerry.
Jerry: I've heard of Ohio, Katie. But Tuesday's no good. I'm doin' career day at my old junior high.
Katie: Okay, Jerry. that's fine. you're the boss. Katie works for Jerry.
Jerry: Yes, all right, Katie.
Katie: Sorry for the late notice.
Jerry: Yes, bye.
Katie: You're the- (He hangs up)
George: They asked you to do career day?
Jerry: Yeah, it's no big deal.
George: Oh with all due respect, I went there too, and I work for a team that just won the World Series.
Jerry: And you were integral.
Teacher: Jerry, it was so nice of you to come down here.
Jerry: I'm on next, right?
Teacher: Well, unfortunately, Mr. O'Meary from the Bronx zoo...
Jerry: The guy with the lizard.
Teacher: Yes. Well, he started feedin' it crickets, and the children just love him. And we're outta time.
Teacher: So can you come back tomorrow?
Jerry: I'm getting bumped? You're bumping me from career day?
Elaine: So do most doctors like ER or do you guys just think it's fake?
Ben: I couldn't tell you. You know, I'm not really a doctor.
Elaine: Oh, yeah. And I'm not really attracted to you.
Ben: Well, I'm serious, Elaine. I went to medical school, but I still have to pass my licensing exam.
Elaine: When do you take this exam?
Ben: I've taken it. Three times. I almost passed the last one.
Elaine: Well, you're basically a doctor. Right? I mean, people do call you doctor.
Ben: Well, um...
Elaine: Well, can I introduce you as doctor?
Ben: Yeah.
Elaine: All right, that's all I wanted to know.
Louise: Mono. (George removes hand)
George: It was fantastic, Jerry. We wound up talking all night.
Jerry: So you're enjoying the not enjoying.
George: you know, just by conversing, you can really learn a lot about a person.
Jerry: I'm finding that out. (Kramer enters)
Kramer: Hey, buddy. How was career day?
Jerry: Ah, I didn't get on. The lizard guy went long.
George: You got bumped from career day?
Jerry: It was a mix-up, I'm sure.
Kramer: They're trying to screw with your head.
Jerry: Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?
Kramer: Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know.
George: Hey, hey. Kramer, what are you doing? You can't smoke in here.
Kramer: No, come on. (Larry the cook comes over)
Larry: Take it outside.
Kramer: Come on, Larry. You know me.
Larry: It bothers people, and it's against the law.
Jerry: You can make all the laws you want, he's still gonna bother people.
Kramer: What, did they kick you out too?
Man: Yeah, they kicked us all out.
Teacher: Thanks so much for coming back, Jerry. Care for a graham cracker?
Jerry: No, let's just do it. (Fire alarm goes off) What? What is going on? What is that about?
Teacher: Fire drill. Sorry. Single file everyone!
Jerry: But I was promised this slot.
Teacher: Single file, Jerry. (Jerry joins the line)
Jerry: Fire drill, can you believe that?
George: What is Pericles?
Alex Trebek: Pericles is correct.
Jerry: Like fire in a school is such a big deal. (Kramer enters)
Kramer: Hey, you got any matches?
Jerry: Middle drawer.
George: Who is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?
Alex Trebek: We were looking for 'Who is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.'
Kramer: Thanks. (Kramer leaves, phone rings)
Jerry: Hello?
Katie: Jerry.
Jerry: Oh hi, Katie.
Katie: I heard what happened to the junior high. They can't bump you like that. That is so unprofessional.
Jerry: Oh relax, Katie. It's not a problem.
George: What is Borax?
Alex Trebek: Yes, you're right.
Katie: They bump you in junior high, the next thing you know you're being bumped in high schools, colleges, trade schools. Before you know it, Letterman's not returning your calls. (Kramer enters)
Kramer: Ashtrays?
Jerry: No, I don't have any ashtrays.
Kramer: Ooh, cereal bowls.
Katie: Jerry, now don't freak out, I'll take care of it.
Jerry: No, Katie, don't- (He hangs up phone)
Kramer: All right, thanks. (Kramer leaves)
George: What is Tungsten or Wolfram?
Alex Trebek: We were looking for 'What is Tungsten, or Wolfram'.
Jerry: Is this a repeat?
George: No, no, no. Just lately, I've been thinking a lot clearer. Like this afternoon, (To television) what is chicken Kiev, (Back to Jerry) I really enjoyed watching a documentary with Louise.
Jerry: Louise! That's what's doin' it. You're no longer pre-occupied with sex, so your mind is able to focus.
George: You think?
Jerry: Yeah. I mean, let's say this is your brain. (Holds lettuce head) Okay, from what I know about you, your brain consists of two parts the intellect, represented here (Pulls off tiny piece of lettuce), and the part obsessed with sex. (Shows large piece) Now granted, you have extracted an astonishing amount from this little scrap. But with no-sex-Louise, this previously useless lump, is now functioning for the first time in its existence. (Eats tiny piece of lettuce)
George: Oh my God. I just remembered where I left my retainer in second grade. I'll see ya. (He throws finished Rubik's cube to Jerry and he exits. Kramer enters)
Kramer: Need some more matches.
Jerry: What is goin' on in there?
Kramer: I met some people smoking on the street, so I invited them up to my apartment to smoke.
Jerry: Why?
Kramer: Well somebody had to. You know, just because a person's a smoker, that doesn't mean he's not a human being.
Jerry: It doesn't?
Kramer: Well you can confine them, you can punish them, you can cram them into the corner, but they're not going away, Jerry.
Jerry: All right.
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: So when they're handing you those cadavers, do you get to choose whether it's a man or a woman?
Ben: I dunno. Dead bodies really gross me out. (Sue Ellen Mischke enters with a man)
Elaine: Oh my God.
Ben: What's wrong?
Elaine: It's Sue Ellen Mischke, this old braless friend I hate. (Elaine tries to cover her face)
Sue Ellen: Elaine? Hi.
Elaine: Oh hi, Sue Ellen.
Sue Ellen: Oh Rick, this is an old, old, friend of mine, Elaine Benes. Rick is a periodontist. He does Giuliani's gums.
Elaine: Well, this is my boyfriend, doctor Ben Gelfen.
Ben: Well, I'm an intern.
Elaine: Hey, stop kidding me. He's a doctor. He's a very good doctor.
Woman: Carlitto's just passed out. Can anyone help?
Elaine: Well, there's a doctor right here.
Ben: No there's not.
Elaine: Can't you at least tell him what to do?
Ben: Like what?
Sue Ellen: Shouldn't he elevate his legs?
Ben: Right. Elevate your legs!
Elaine: I hope Carlitto feels better. Ben really wishes he could've helped.
Larry: I thought he was a doctor.
Elaine: Oh he is. Kind of. I mean, I call him doctor. (She walks away and sees George sitting down reading books) George. (He holds up his hand to signal her to wait a second.)
George: Of course. Absolute zero!
Elaine: What? What is with all these books?
George: I stopped having sex.
Kramer: All right, I'll see ya Bill. All right, I got room for two, but the only thing I have is in the non-filter section. (Jerry enters) Hey.
Jerry: Hey. Wh-What'd you got, a smoker's lounge in there?
Kramer: Oh yeah, people really seem to be enjoying themselves. You know, they come in once, it's like they're addicted. (Katie enters)
Katie: Jerry, oh there you are. You didn't answer the phone.
Jerry: I was out.
Katie: Oh. Jerry, great news. I got you an assembly.
Jerry: An assembly?
Katie: Two hours in front of the entire junior high, grades six through eight. That's six grade, seventh grade-
Jerry: I understand. But what am I gonna talk about for two hours?
Katie: And, it is already in the school paper. They cancelled Rick James.
Jerry: Superfreak?
Katie: Yes.
Elaine: What is your answer to number 74?
Ben: Medobolic acidosis.
Elaine: No! Hypocalimia, not medibolic acidosis. Duh!
Ben: Man, I'm never gonna pass this thing.
Elaine: Oh yes you are. We'll just stop having sex.
George: Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant. (Hits a home run) It's not complicated.
Jeter: Now who are you again?
George: George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary.
Williams: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?
George: Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games?
Jeter: We won the World Series.
George: In six games.
Jerry: ...so if you like to tell jokes, and love to make people laugh, stand-up comedy may be the career for you.
George: Nine minutes.
Jerry: How am I gonna fill two hours?
George: Hello? I can take an hour off your hands. Give the kids a chance to see a real live Yankee.
Jerry: And give you the chance to see some real disappointed kids. (Waitress comes to table)
Waitress: More coffee?
George: Excuse me, darling, do I detect a Portuguese accent?
Waitress: Si
George: Das kaffes un salat e grand por favor.
Waitress: Mute pragalas senor
George: Eh, don't mention it.
Elaine: Portuguese?
George: Yeah, my cleaning lady's Portuguese. I must've picked it up.
Elaine: How come he's gettin' so smart? I stopped having sex with Ben three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese?
Jerry: Are you all right?
Elaine: I don't know. It's just the last coupla days my mind has been, not good.
Jerry: Wait a second, I know what's happening. The no sex thing is having a reverse effect on you.
Elaine: What? What are you talking about?
Jerry: To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid.
Elaine: I don't understand.
Jerry: Exactly.
Kramer: Hey buddy.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Hey, you should come over. Tonight's pipe night.
Jerry: What? What happened to your face? It looks like an old catcher's mitt.
Kramer: What? (Kramer checks it out.) My face is all craggly, it's crinkly.
Jerry: It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?
Kramer: Emphysema, birth defects, cancer. But not this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood. Everything I have I owe to this face.
Jerry: And your teeth, your teeth are all brown.
Kramer: Look away, I'm hideous.
Elaine: Hey, Ben. I need a four letter word. Winnie the blank.
Ben: Pooh!
Elaine: Pooh...(laughing)
Ben: No, it's Winnie the Pooh.
Louise: So the hospital called, turns out some stupid intern screwed up my test. I never had mono. So we can... you know.
Jerry: So what did you do?
George: I told her I would have to think about it.
Jerry: But ultimately, you're gonna choose in favor of sex, right?
George: I don't know. Perhaps I can better serve the world this way.
Jerry: You mean, not subjecting yourself to your sexual advances.
George: Simple joke from a simple man.
Jerry: So you're never gonna have sex again?
George: Well, Jerry. There was a pretty good chance I was never gonna have sex again anyway.
Jerry: So you ready for the assembly tomorrow? You know what you're gonna say about the Yankees?
George: Oh, sports are so pedestrian. I've prepared some science experiments that will illuminate the mind and dazzle the eye.
Jerry: I wrote a 20 minute bit about how homework stinks.
Jackie: My vacation was restful, splendid, magnificent. In fact, next time I'm plannin' on going to Kofu.
Jackie: Oh no.
Kramer: Jackie we gotta talk.
Jackie: No way, Kramer. You've brought nothing but a mountain of misfortune and humiliation. Now get out.
Kramer: But Jackie-
Jackie: I said out.
Kramer: Jackie, I think I gotta case against the tobacco companies.
Jackie: The who?
Kramer: The tobacco companies.
Jackie: I've been wanting a piece of them for years.
Jackie: Did that cigarette warning label mention anything about damage to your appearance?
Kramer: No, it didn't say anything.
Jackie: So you're a victim. Now your face is shallow, unattractive, disgusting.
Kramer: So Jackie, do you think we gotta case?
Jackie: Your face is my case.
Jerry: How ya doin'?
Elaine: Not good. I'm a moron.
Jerry: Well, don't worry about it. Once he passes the test, you'll have sex again, and you'll be fine.
Elaine: Well, that kinda brings us to why I'm here. You got eleven minutes?
Jerry: What for? Oh come on.
Elaine: I just wanna clear my head. It has nothing to do with you.
Jerry: I think it has something to do with me.
Elaine: You could read the paper through the whole thing if you want.
Jerry: (thinks about it for a second as to reconsider) No, no, no. I'm sorry, it's too weird.
Elaine: Oh, all right. Is Kramer home?
George: You know, Louise. I think you'll find this amusing. In early Euclidean geometry-
Louise: George, I have to have sex.
George: I used to share that same outlook. But now, I have so many things to occupy my mind. For instance, the atom.
Louise: Goodbye, George. I hate you. (She leaves)
George: What a fascinating turn of events. (Waitress approaches)
Waitress: Mas Caf?
George: Si, por favor.
Jackie: Miss Wilkie, your tobacco company has turned this beautiful specimen, into a horrible twisted freak.
Kramer: Who could love me?
Wilkie: I disagree. In fact, I feel Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity.
Jackie: Rugged? The man's a goblin. He's only been exposed to smoke for four days. By the time this case gets to trial, he'll be nothing more than a shrunken head.
Wilkie: All right, Mr. Chiles. You'll have our offer by tomorrow. Good day, gentlemen. (She exits)
Kramer: Bye-bye. Jackie, you did it. We're rich.
Jackie: You better believe it. Jackie's cashin' in on your wretched disfigurement.
Elaine: Congratulations! You passed!
Ben: Elaine, Elaine. I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Elaine: What? you're breaking up with me? But I sacrificed and supported you while you struggled. What about my dream of dating a doctor?
Ben: I'm sorry, Elaine. I always knew that after I became a doctor, I would dump whoever I was with and find someone better. That's the dream of becoming a doctor.
Elaine: Look it, are we going to have sex, or not?
Katie: Okay, Jerry, now when the glee club's finished singing, George goes on, then you. (George enters)
George: Hey.
Jerry: Where have you been? You know, you're on next.
George: I got lost on the way over.
Jerry: Got lost? We went to school here for three years.
George: What are these? (Holds test tubes to his head like antennae) Take me to your leader.
Jerry: Oh my God. You had sex. You had sex with Louise!
George: No, the Portuguese waitress.
Jerry: The Portuguese waitress?
George: I calculated my odds of ever getting together with a Portuguese waitress. Mathematically, I had to do it, Jerry.
Katie: George, George, you're on.
George: No, no. I'm not going on.
Jerry: Then what'd you come down here for?
George: Tell you about the Portuguese waitress.
Jerry: It's good to have you back.
Katie: One of you has to go on.
Jerry: All right, I'll do it. (Goes on stage) Hey kids. What's the deal with homework? you're not working on your home! (Audience boos)
Kramer: It was a great lunch, Jackie. Thanks.
Jackie: It's a little puzzling we haven't gotten that offer yet.
Kramer: Mrs. Wilkie, from the tobacco company called me. We had a little pow-wow.
Jackie: A pow-wow? Who told you to have a pow-wow? I didn't tell you to have pow-wow.
Kramer: She made an offer. I took it.
Jackie: How much?
Kramer: No, no, no. There was no money.
Jackie: No money? Then what'd we get?
Kramer: Check it out. (They see a Marlboro man billboard with Kramer on it)
Jackie: This is the most public yet of my many humiliations.
Jerry: Cancelled? But I was supposed to be on tomorrow night.
Letterman: Yeah, but then, you know, some people were telling me about that little flap out there at the junior high assembly. And before that, you were bumped by a lizard?
Jerry: Actually, it was a ********.
Letterman: those things, deadly dangerous. A long time ago my uncle and a date are driving, like, through Mexico. They see one on the road, drags him out of the road, and chews his face off. Listen, we'll call you if anything opens up. Okay, Jimmy?
Jerry: Jerry.
Letterman: Right. Jerry.


[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
George: Jerry! (Slams the door) Georgie's moving out!
Jerry: (Gets up) Get out!
George: I'm out! Fantastic apartment right across from mine, huh. I can't wait for you to see it.
Jerry: (Looks around his apartment) Is it better than mine?
George: (Definite) Oh yeah.
Jerry: So, it's a two-bedroom-one-bath-make-your-friends-hate-ya?
George: You know what? it's better than Elaine's, too. I gotta give her a call. (Moves tward the phone)
Jerry: She's out.
George: (Stops) Oh right, the blind date.
Jerry: Yeah, well, they like to call it a set-up now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers.
George: Come on. Come check out my new place. It'll take you two minutes.
Jerry: I can't. I'm meeting Kramer down at my mini-storage.
George: (Gloating) Hey, you got any extra furniture down there? I need some more stuff to fill that extra bedroom with the walk-in closet. (Smiles)
Jerry: (Grabs his coat) Oh, this is really annoying.
George: (Laughs as they leave) It's working already! (Both exit)
[Setting: Manhattan Mini-storage]
Jerry: (Disgusted) What is with that?!
Kramer: Well, it's coughing, Jerry. It expells the diseased germs out of the body, into the air. (Makes a guesture of germs being in the air)
Jerry: (Takes out his key to unlock the unit door) Where is your key?
Kramer: Yeah, well, uh, Newman. He's - he's got it.
Jerry: You know, Kramer, I rented out half of my space to you.
Kramer: Yeah, and I rented out half that space to Newman. (Starts coughing again)
Jerry: (Picks one up) Mail bags? He's storing mail in here?
Kramer: (Looks at the bags on the floor) Evidently.
[Setting: George's new apartment]
Ricardi: Excuse me, George? (H1)
George: (Looks at her) Yeah, uh, no menus. (Waves her off)
Ricardi: (Moves into the apartment, hand out) No, I'm Mrs. Ricardi - president of the tenant's association.
George: Oh, right! (Shakes her hand) Right! Hey, hey.. I love the floors in here. It's like a gymnasium in here! Try and guard me! (Dribbles an imaginary ball
Ricardi: No, no.. (Laughs nervously) Uh, George, unfortunately, Clarance Eldridge in 8C has decided that he wants the apartment.
George: (Let down) Yeah, but you - you promised it to me.
Ricardi: Yes, but, you see - Mister Eldridge is an Andrea Doria survivor. And, in light of the terrible suffering that he's already been through, we've decided to give it to him.
George: (Depressed) Well,.. the Andrea Doria.. that was quite a fire. (Moves to the door, leaving)
Ricardi: (Correcting) Shipwreck.
George: I remember.. (Leaves)
[Setting: Restaurant]
Elaine: Where is this guy?! (Checks her watch) I hate this! (Sighs) I shoulda brought something to read.. (Picks up a sugar packet) "Cancer in labratory animals".. huh.
Waiter: Excuse me, Elaine Benes?
Elaine: Yeah?
Waiter: An Alan Mercer called for you. He said he's sorry, but he won't be able to make it tonight. (Pause) He's been stabbed.
Elaine: (Shocked) Stabbed?!
Waiter: More bread?
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: (Talking to Elaine) You ate more bread?
Elaine: That is not the point! The guy was stabbed!
Jerry: Did you find out who stabbed him?
Elaine: Yeah, (Nodding) It turns out it was his ex-girlfriend.
Jerry: (Like a father) Well, you're not going near this hooligan anymore.
Elaine: Well, I don't know.. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. (Obviously turned on by the stabbing) I mean, to be stab-worthy.. You know, it's.. kind of a compliment.
Jerry: (Sarcastic) Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one.
Kramer: (Coughs) Hey. How's everybody? (Moves to the kitchen)
Jerry And Elaine: Hey.
Kramer: Ehh.. (Picks up a carton of food) No expiration date on this.. (Opens it, then starts coughing directly onto the food)
Jerry: There is now. Kramer, you should really get that cough checked out by a doctor.
Kramer: (Shrugging it off) Nah, no, no, no. No doctors for me. A bunch of lackeys and yes-men all towing the company line.. (Looks at Jerry, then leans in so Elaine can't hear) Plus, the botched my vasectimy.
Jerry: (In awe. Whispering) The botched it?
Kramer: (Complaining) I'm even more potent now!
George: Hey.
Jerry: Hey. How's the new place?!
George: Gone. (Moves over to a chair in the living room. Kramer takes the carton of food to the table, and begins eating) The tenant association made me give it to this guy because he was an Andrea Doria survivor..
Elaine: Andrea Doria? Isn't that the one they did the song about?
Jerry: (Correcting her) Edmund Fitzgerald.
Elane: I love Edmund Fitzgerald's voice.
Jerry: (Gives Elaine a look) No, Gordon Lightfoot was the singer. Edmund Fitzgerald was the ship.
George: (Talking about his would-be apartment) You could fit 15 people in that bathroom..
Elaine: I think Gordon Lightfoot was the boat.
Jerry: (Sarcastic) Yeah, and it was rammed by the Cat Stevens.
Kramer: (Like a teacher) The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm in dense fog 21 miles off the coast of Nantucket. (Makes a clicking sound with his tongue)
George: How do you know?
Kramer: it's in my book - "Astonishing Tales of the Sea" 51 people died.
George: 51 people?! That's it?! I thought it was, like, a thousand!
Kramer: There were 1,650 survivors.
George: That's no tragedy! How many people do you lose on a normal cruse? 30? 40?! Kramer, can I take a look at that book? (Starts walking tward the door. Kramer grabs his food, and follows)
Kramer: Oh yeah. I also got "Astounding Bear Attacks"
Jerry: Hey, uh, before you go, did you talk to Newman about getting that mail outta there?
Kramer: Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah, he's not gonna do it. (Leaves)
[Setting: Newman's apartment]
Jerry: Newman?
Newman: (Eyes glued to the TV) I guess.
Jerry: Listen, I want you to get the mail outta my storage unit.
Newman: Sometimes we don't get what we want.
Jerry: (Confused) What are you talking about?
Newman: I didn't get my transfer.
Jerry: "Transfer"?
Newman: To Hawaii. The most sought-after postal route of them all. The air is so dewy-sweet you don't even have to like the stamps.. But it's not to be - So, I'm hanging it up.
Jerry: You quit the post office?
Newman: Kind of. I'm still collecting checks, I'm just not delivering mail.
Jerry: Well, get it out of my storage. It's illegal.
Newman: And yet, it's perfectly legal to take a man's soul and crush it out like a stale Pall Mall.
Jerry: (Cheerfully) Well, a law's a law. (Leaves)
[Setting: Central Park]
Kramer: Ok, hold on there.. That's a nasty cough you got there, huh?
Man: What cough?
[Setting: Restaurant]
Elaine: I love shrimp! (Waves her knife around as she's talking) I'm a shrimp eater. You put shrimp infront of me, (Waves her knife along with her hand gestures. Alan is getting edgy about it, and even more so with every wave) and I will eat it until my stomach pops! (Notices Alan's unsettled) Oh.. (Puts the knife down)
Alan: No, it's okay. I'm.. still just a little bit jumpy.
Elaine: (Leans in close) Between you and me, what happened there with the stabbing?
Alan: Just.. one of those things, you know.
Elaine: What? Was she just so crazy in love with you that she just couldn't take it anymore? Or..?
Alan: I don't know. Could be.
Carol: Alan?!
Alan: Carol?
Elaine: (Gets up, pointing after Carol) Was that the one?! Was that the one who stabbed you?!
Alan: (Between screams) No, that was a different girl.
[Setting: Coffee shop]
Jerry: There was another crazed ex-girlfriend?
Elaine: Right, so, I called my friend, you know - the one who set us up - I found out, he's a bad-breaker-upper.
Jerry: Mmm.. Bad how?
Elaine: (Fast) Well, you know when you break up, how you say things you don't mean? Well, he says the mean things you don't mean, but he means them.
Jerry: (Nods) I follow. So what are you gonna do?
Elaine: Dump him. I can't be with someone who doesn't break up nicely. I mean, to me, that's one of the most important parts of a relationship.
Jerry: (Agreeing) What's more important?
[Setting: NYC Street]
Kramer: (Between coughs) Hey.
George: What's with the dog?
Kramer: (Petting Smuckers) Yeah, this is Smuckers. I borrowed him. (Starts coughing)
George: Oh..
Kramer: (Pointing at the dog) Yeah, we share the same affliction, so I'm gonna have a vet check us out.
George: A vet?
Kramer: Oh, I'll take a vet over an M.D. any day. They gotta be able to cure a (Snaps his fingers in rhythm with his words) lizard, a chicken, a pig, a frog (Stops snapping) - all on the same day.
George: So, if I may jump ahead - you're gonna take dog medicine?
Kramer: (Smiling) You bet we are! Huh, Smuckers? (Smuckers coughs. They turn to leave) I'll see ya.
[Setting: George's apartment building]
George: Ahoy! Mr. Eldridge. I understand you were on the Andrea Doria.
Eldridge: Yes, it was a terrifying ordeal.
George: I tell ya, I hear people really stuff themselves on those cruise ships. (Laughs) The buffet, that's the real ordeal, huh, Clarence? (Laughs)
Eldridge: (Defensively) We had to abandon ship.
George: Well, all vacations have to end eventually.
Eldridge: The boat sank.
George: (Holding up Kramer's book) According to this, it took.. 10 hours. It eased into the water like an old man into a nice warm bath - no offence. (Pause) So, uh, Clarence, how about abandoning this apartment, and letting me shove off in this beauty?
Eldridge: Is that what this is all about?! I don't think I like you. (Enters his apartment, and slams the door behind him)
George: (Yelling out) It's my apartment, Eldridge! The Stalkholm may not have sunk ya, but I will! Ha, ha, ha!
[Setting: Vet's office]
Vet: What are the symptoms?
Kramer: Well, uh.. it hurts when he swallows. Expecially when he drinks orange juice. (Vet gives him a look) I mean, uh.. dog food.. juice. (Adding) What's worse - he has a nagging cough. (Smucker's coughs) Yeah, that's it. That's it.
Vet: Yeah, well, uh - we've been seeing a lot of this lately. Been drinking from the toilet?
Kramer: (Offended) What? No. That's disgusting..
[Setting: Coffee shop]
Alan: So that's it? We're, uh, we're breakin' up?
Elaine: (Confused by his sudden change-of-heart) What? Break-up? We went out on one date.
Alan: (Fast) Ok, yeah, sure, fine, right. Whatever you say.
Elaine: (Shows no sign that she cares) Alright, good. Good.
Alan: Ok, then, well, So.. see ya around.. big head. (Gets up to leave)
Elaine: Pardon?
Alan: You got a big head. It's too big for your body. (Walks for the door)
Elaine: (Laughing out loud) That's it?! (Laughs again) That's the best you got?! (Laughs loudly as Alan exits)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
George: So, he's keeping the apartment. He doesn't deserve it, though! Even if he did suffer, that was, like, 40 years ago! What has he been doing lately?! I've been suffering for the past 30 years up to and including yesterday!
Jerry: You know, if this tenant board is so impressed with suffering, maybe you should tell them the "Astonishing Tales of Costanza".
George: (Interested) I should!
Jerry: I mean, your body of work in this field is unparalleled.
George: I could go bumper to bumper with any one else on this planet!
Jerry: You're the man!
Newman: Jerry!
Jerry: I'm with people, I'll be with you in a moment. (Slams the door on Newman's face. Then tries to delay talking to Newman by keeping the conversation with George going) So, you want a protein shake, or something?
George: Nah, I guess I should really get moving on this, huh? I'm gonna go. (Opens the door, letting Newman in. Leaves)
Jerry: (Angered) Hello.. Newman.
Newman: (Urgent) I need that mail, where is it?!
Jerry: What's the difference?
Newman: The guy who had the Hawaii transfer got busted for hoarding Victoria Secret catalogues. I gotta deliver that mail!
Jerry: Well, go ahead. There's 8 bags of it.
Newman: Blast! There's no way I can handle 8 in addition to my ususal load of one! I'll never get to Hawaii! (Moves over to Jerry's couch, depressed) I'll be stuck in this apartment building forever! (Lays down on Jerry's couch) The dream is dead.
Jerry: You're giving up that easy?
Newman: I usually do. (Gets up to leave) See ya.
Jerry: (Stopping him) No, wait a minute, Newman! You can't let this dream die. You moving away is my dream too!
Newman: (Intrigued) What are you proposing?
Jerry: (Fast) Whatever it takes, for as long as it takes me, where ever it takes me as long as it takes you away from me!
Newman: An alliance?
Jerry: (Confirming) An alliance. (They both shake hands and laugh evily) Now get the hell outta here. (Newman leaves)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Elaine: Hawaii? That's why you're helping Newman with the mail?
Jerry: (Like an Army general) Elaine, Newman is my sworn enemy. And he lives down the hall from my home - my home, Elaine! Where I sleep, where I come to play with my toys.
Elaine: Well, anyway, get this I spoke to Alan. You know, I told him I didn't want to see him anymore.. He called me "big head".
Jerry: "Big head" (Scoffs) That's almost a compliment.
Elaine: (Agreeing) It's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me.
Jerry: Hello?
George: (On the other line) Hey.
Jerry: Hey, George.
George: Yeah, listen, I can't make it later.
Jerry: You can't make it?
George: Yeah, the tenant association has decided to hear my side of the story. So, uh, I gotta kinda get ready. I'll see ya.
Jerry: Alright. (Hangs up)
Elaine: Is he not gonna go to the coffee shop?
Jerry: (Saddened) Doesn't look like it's gonna happen.
Elaine: (Gives a "That's a shame" face) Alright, well, I'll see ya. (Opens the door to exit. Kramer enters coughing. Elaine does her best to dodge out of the way of Kramer's coughs, then walks off)
Jerry: Kramer, aren't you taking any medication for that?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah. (Pulls a bottle out of his pocket) I got some pilss. They taste terrible.
Jerry: (Takes the bottle from him) Just swallow 'em.
Kramer: (Gestures to his throat) No, my throat's too tender.
Jerry: Alright, sit down, sit down. (Grabs a pill from the bottle, and starts advancing tward Kramer - like an owner with his dog)
Kramer: I don't want to!
Jerry: C'mon. Just sit down!
Kramer: (Squirming) Jerry! What?!
Jerry: Sit down! Sit down!
Kramer: (Struggling) Hey!
Jerry: Lean your head back. Open your mouth! (Grabs Kramer's head) Open your mouth! Open it! Open it!
Jerry: (Reads the pill bottle) What kind of pills are these, anyways?! "For Smuckers"? "May cause panting and loss of fur"? (Turns to Kramer) These are dog pills!
Kramer: Whe have the same symptoms.
Jerry: But, he's a dog! You need to see a real doctor.
Kramer: No, no. No doctors.
Jerry: Alright.. (Heads for the door, grabbing his coat)
Kramer: Where are you going?
Jerry: I'm taking the car. I gotta run some errands. You want to go?
Kramer: I don't know..
Jerry: (Opens the door) C'mon, you wanna go for a ride? (Starts jiggling his keys - as if he's calling out for a dog) Huh? C'mon! C'mon!
[Setting: Taxi cab]
Driver: Lady, could you move your head a little bit?
Elaine: What?
Driver: Your head. I can't see out the back. (Elaine slumps down in her seat) Little more.. (Elaine slumps lower) ..Little more. (Slides down until just her eyes and forehead can be seen) Thank you.
[Setting: Jerry's car]
Kramer: I don't see any tissues back her.. (Looks out the windows) Wait a minute!.. (Jerry looks like he's trying to keep something from Kramer) This isn't the way to the park! (Starts getting even more energetic) Where are we going?.. I recognize this block! (Looks at Jerry, scared) You're taking me to the doctor!
[Setting: Coffee shop]
George: So, uh, Mom, Dad, I was hoping that you could help me to remember my childhood a little clearly..
Estelle: I feel a draft. (Grabs the bread basket and her drink) Let's change tables.
Frank: Get outta here! We have a booth.
Estelle: Frank, I'm cold!
Frank: Order a hot dish.
Estelle: Why can't we sit over there? (Points to a table)
Frank: (Yelling) That's not a booth!
Estelle: (Trying to match Frank's loudness) So, who says we have to sit in a booth?!
Frank: (Loud shouting) I didn't take the subway all the way to New York to sit at a table like that! (Gestures to the table)
Estelle: (Nagging yell) Well, I didn't take the subway to be in a drafty restaurant!
George: (Pleading for them to stop) Mom.. dad.
Frank: Now, George, what do you want to know about your childhood?
George: (Fed up with his parents) Actually, I think I'm pretty clear on it.
Frank: (Looks up) Where's that breeze coming from?
[Setting: NYC Street]
Jerry: Kramer, outta the car. Out, now!
Kramer: No, Jerry!
Jerry: Alright, that's it.. (Grabs Kramer, trying to pull him out of the car)
Kramer: No! Don't!
Jerry: Hey, hey! Get back over here! Kramer! Get over here! You are bad! Bad neighbor! Kramer!
[Setting: Tenant board room]
Eldridge: Just then, a rescue ship emerged from the fog and saved us. It was.. (Stops, then gives George a look. George stops knocking on the walls) It was the sweetest sight my eyes ever saw.
Ricardi: (Touched) Thank you Mr. Eldridge. The tenant board will now hear Mr. Costanza's testimony.
[Setting: Newman's apartment]
Jerry: Newman, how'd it go? Did you get it all delivered? (Sees the pac) What happened?
Newman: Kramer bit me!
Jerry: Bit you?!
Newman: We had an arguement about me going to Hawaii, and he locked onto my ankle like it was a soup bone. I'm hubbled! I don't think I can do my route - and they're awarding the transfer in two days!
Jerry: (Bravely) Well, what if I deliver it?
Newman: You?! (Laughs hysterically) You can't deliver mail!
Jerry: Well, why not?
Newman: (Thinks for a moment) I guess you're right. It's just walking around putting it into boxes..
Jerry: What am I gonna wear?
Newman: I could give you my uniform from my rookie year.
Jerry: (Excited) I can't believe I'm gonna be a mailman!
Jerry: (Hands him some mail) There you go. Merry Chirstmas!
Owner: Mail on Sunday?
Jerry: (Shrugs) Oops. (Continues walking along the route, whistling. Hands a newspaper to a homeless bum on the street, then keeps walking)
[Setting: Tenant board room]
George: I was handcuffed to the bed.. In my underwear, (Sighs) where I remained.. (Scene cuts to another story) She was attractive.. She was, also, infact, a Nazi.. (Cuts to another story) The water.. that I had been swiming in was.. very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, there was.. significant shrinkage.. (Scene cuts to, yet, another story) Her parents were looking at me.. So, there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole.. (Scene cuts to his closing statements) In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because - they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow witted bald man. (Gets up) Thank you. (Every memeber of the board shows some sign that George's story is most deserving of the apartment. Ricardi is crying. George turns to leave, then remembers one more thing..) Oh, also.. my fiance died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. (Sobs and loud crying erupts from the board members) Thanks again. (Leaves. Eldridge looks defeated)
[Setting: Newman's apartment]
Jerry: Hey, I've been trying to jam stuff in the box, like you told me, but sometimes it says, like, "Photographs - Do not bend".
Newman: "Do not bend". (Laughs evilly) Just crease, crumple, cram.. you'll do fine. (Phone rings. Newman answers it) Hello?.. This is he. I don't understand.. very well. (Hangs up in disappointment)
Jerry: What?
Newman: That was the Vice President of the post office. I didn't get the transfer.. They knew it wasn't me doing my route!
Jerry: How did they know?!
Newman: (Stands up) Too many people go their mail! Close to 80%. No body from the post office has ever cracked the 50% barrier! It's like the 3-minute mile!
Jerry: (Pleading) I tried my best!
Newman: Exactly. You're a disgrace to the uniform. (Newman takes off Jerry's mailman hat. Jerry turns his head in shame. Newman then tears the post office badge from Jerry's coat)
Jerry: You know, this is your coat.
Newman: (Realizing) Damn!
[Setting: Central park]
Man 2: He flew right into your head. Like he couldn't avoid it.
Elaine: (Rubbing her head to relieve the pain) Really?
Man 2: Never seen that before. Bird into a woman's head..
[Setting: Coffee shop]
George: It's not contest. The guy had nothing! The ship went down, he got into a life boat, I mean, come on.
Jerry: Boy, he didn't know what he was up against. (George laughs) So, when do you move into the apartment?
George: They're making their decision today.
Jerry: What's the matter with you?
Elaine: Nothing.. Except that a bird ran into my giant freak-head. (Sits down)
Jerry: What giant freak-head?
Elaine: (Annoyed, near tears) The one that sits atop my disproportunately puny body.. I'm a walking candy apple!
Jerry: So, it's actually gotten to you? You're playing right into his hands!
Elaine: (Realizing) What? Yeah.. you're right!.. All I have to do is call him up, and sit with him, and show him that it doesn't bother me. You know, laugh it off.. or jam a fork into his forehead.
Jerry: (Casually, sarcastic) Either way.
Elaine: (Getting up to leave) Alright.
[Setting: Restaurant]
Alan: I want to apologize for..
Elaine: (Shrugging it off) Oh, please.
Alan: So you have a big head.
Elaine: (Casually playing along) So what?
Alan: It goes well with that bump in your nose.
Elaine: (Suddenly angry) What?!
Woman: Please! Get help! There's a crazy big-headed woman beating up some guy! Tell the police "The Old Mill Restaurant". Hurry!
Cop: Boy, that's some cough you got there.
Cop 2: No, I think he's trying to tell us something. What is it? (Between coughs, Kramer manages to say the word "trouble") Trouble?! Trouble? Where? Where's trouble? (Kramer coughs out the words "Old Mill") Trouble at the Old Mill?! Oh my god! Good boy, good boy! Lead the way! Come on.
[Setting: George's apartment building]
George: Excuse me, uh, what are you doing in there?
Alan: I'm moving in. Alan Mercer. New neighbor. (They shake hands)
George: What? Elaine's big-head guy? They have you the apartment?!
Alan: Yeah.
George: Why?! Because you were stabbed, and.. got coffee thrown in your face, and.. uh.. (Points to Alan's bandaged forehead)
Alan: Oh, fork in the forehead.
George: That's why they gave you the apartment?
Alan: No, I just gave the super 50 bucks.
George: Wait a minute, that is my apartment. I earned it with 34 years of misery!
Alan: Tough luck, chinless. (Goes into his new apartment, and slams the door on George)


Jerry: So what happened to you yesterday? We were supposed to go to the auto show, I waited for you, you never came.
Elaine: I'm sorry, I got really busy. How long did you wait?
Jerry: Five minutes.
Elaine: Five minutes? That's it?
Jerry: What's the difference? You never showed up.
Elaine: I could've! I mean, last week we waited for that friend of Kramer's for like, forty minutes.
Jerry: Well, we barely knew the guy.
Elaine: So, the longer you know someone, the shorter you wait for 'em.
Jerry: That's the way it works.
Elaine: When did you tell George to be here?
Jerry: I told him to meet us here in ten minutes. How long has it been?
Elaine: About five.
Jerry: That's enough. (They leave. George comes around the corner.)
George (Looks At His Watch): Early! Alright! (shivers.) Cold.
Kramer: So, I noticed you bounced a check at the bodega.
Jerry: How did you know about that?
Kramer: Because Marcelino, he taped it up on his cash register with all the other bad checks.
Jerry: He can't do that.
Kramer (Sternly): It's the only way you'll learn. (Tastes his eggs.) Aw, these eggs are disgusting. This chicken should be ashamed of himself.
George: Fantastic day! Fantastic!
Jerry: What happened?
George: (laughs - hehe) Well, first, I'm brushing my teeth and this piece of apple-skin, that must have been lodged in there for days, comes loose.
Jerry: Fantastic.
George: Then, I'm at The Foundation...
Jerry: You're still doing that?
George: Sometimes, once in a while.
Jerry: When you feel guilty.
George: No, occasionally I'll forget to let the machine pick up. Anyway, they made this large donation, to a women's prison, and I get to go down there and check it out.
Kramer: That's caged heat.
George: Yeah-hah!
Jerry: What are you gonna do there?
George: Nothing really, you know...just eh, stroll around the cell blocks, maybe eh, take in a shower fight. (chuckles.) Hey eh, you know you got a bounced check hanging up in the little market over on Columbus?
Jerry: Yes, I know, I know.
George: I noticed you eh, chose the eh "clowns with balloons" check design.
Jerry: It was a mistake, the bank sent me the wrong ones.
Elaine: Hey! Look who's here! Hey Kurt, this is Jerry, and George, and Kramer.
Kramer: Hey, Kurt. Taste these eggs.
Kurt: Uh, no - I only eat cage-free, farm-fresh.
Kramer: Yes! These are sweatshop eggs.
Kurt (To Elaine): Ah, I gotta call the office. Honey, will you order for me?
Elaine (Sitting Down): I'm a "honey." He's pretty great, huh?
Jerry: Is he from the future?
Elaine: No, he just shaves his head. I think it's pretty gutsy.
George: Listen, sweetheart, let me tell you a little something about guts. (Points to his head.) This is guts.
Elaine: What? Clinging to some scraps?
George: These are not "scraps." These are historic remains of a once Great Society of Hair.
Elaine: Oh, did you guys stop at the bodega today? Some moron bounced a clown check!
[The Bodega, Starts With A Shot Of Marcelino'S Cash Register With Jerry'S Clown Check Attached Under A Sign That Reads "Checks No Longer Accepted From: ".]
Check #1246, Dated Dec. 15 96, Made Out To: Columbus Deli for $40.00
Jerry: Again, I'm really sorry about the check, Marcelino.
Marcelino: People seem to like the clowns.
Jerry (Takes Out His Wallet): Look, let me just give you the forty, plus another twenty for your trouble.
Marcelino: 'Kay.
Jerry (Turning To Leave): Aren't you going to take the check down?
Marcelino: Sorry, no. It's store policy.
Jerry: But it's your bodega.
Marcelino: Even I am not above the policy.
Betsy: Those are our tennis courts.
George: Tennis courts? W-w-what about the yard? Where do they have the gang fights?
Betsy: There's no fights here, Mr. Costanza. This is a minimum security facility.
George: Hmm. What about a hole? You ever put anybody in "the box"?
Betsy: No.
George (To Himself): This prison stinks.
Betsy: And finally, the library, which has just been refurbished thanks to your generous donation. This is Celia Morgan, our librarian.
Celia: Nice to meet you.
Betsy: I'll be in my office if you need me.
George: Thanks, Warden.
Betsy (Sweetly): Betsy.
George (Disappointed): Betsy.
Celia: So, are you the head of the foundation?
George: Well, let's just say it wouldn't exist without me. (Notices another person in the library dressed the same as Celia.) So you two uh, shop at the same store, (hu)?
Celia: No, it's standard issue.
George: Oh my God...You're in jail? (Celia nods.) That is so cool!
Jerry: You asked her out?
George: Well...not "out." She's a prisoner.
Jerry: How could you ask her out?
George: Why not?
Jerry: I remember when you wouldn't date that girl who lived in Queens because you didn't want to go over the bridge!
George: That was different!
Jerry: I'll say.
George: Jerry, I like being with her. Plus, I know where she is all the time. I have relatively no competition. An-and you know how you live in fear of the pop-in?
Jerry (Shudders): The pop-in.
George: Yeah, no pop-in, no "in the neighborhood," no "I saw your light was on." And the best part is, if things go really well...
Jerry: Conjugal visit?
George (Giddy): Don't jinx it! Don't jinx (trails off quietly in elation)
Kramer: Hey.
George: Hey.
Kramer: What's up?
Jerry: George is dating a convict.
Kramer: Oh? What's she in for? (putting groceries in the fridge)
George: Embezzlement.
Kramer (Approvingly): Sounds like a nice girl. Hey Jerry, is it all right if I put some stuff in your fridge? 'Cause mine's full.
Jerry: Yeah, sure. You don't even have a fridge, do you?
Kramer: Well, not here.
Kramer: Okay (lifting the bag and carrying it into the apt.)
Jerry: Kramer, Kramer, wait a minute, what the hell is that?
Kramer: Well, it's chicken feed. (Slams the bag into Jerry's fridge.)
Jerry: I sense something is afoot.
Kramer: Yeah, I bought a chicken.
George: Allow me. Why?
Kramer: Cage-free, farm-fresh eggs.
Jerry: Allow me. What are you, an idiot?
Kramer: No (throws hand in the air and turns and looks back at Jerry)
Kurt: Hold it, hold it, hold it, here, I got it. Catch. (Tosses his wallet to Elaine, she pays the delivery guy.)
Elaine: Hm. (looking at Kurt's driver's license photo) Hey, driver's license. Oh...my God.
Kurt: What?
Elaine: Your hair. It's so thick and lustrous. I mean, it...it was.
Kurt: Well, it still is. I shave my head for my swim team. I just liked the way it looked, so I kept it.
Elaine: Are you saying that I could be dating this hair? I mean wi..with you under it? (Kurt shrugs.)
Jerry: (sits up in bed) Oh what...
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Is that your "chicken" making all that noise?
Kramer: Oh, Jerry loves the morning.
Jerry: Who?
Kramer: Little Jerry Seinfeld. I named my chicken after you.
Jerry: Thanks, that's very sweet, but that is not, a chicken.
Kramer: Of course it is. I picked it out myself.
Jerry: Well, you picked out a rooster.
Kramer: Well, that would explain Little Jerry's poor egg production.
Celia: This was fun.
George: Yeah. I had a great time.
Guard: Five minutes, Mr. Costanza.
George: The whole hour just flew by. (laughs - hehe) (Begins cleaning up the table.)
Guard: I'll get that.
George: Oh, thanks, Bobby. (To Celia) Well, I guess I'll see you in four days.
Celia: Yeah. Go out and have a ball with the guys. I'll be waiting right here for you.
George: Of course you will. (quick chuckle). You're the best. (with a light fist motion across her chin)
Celia: Hmm
Jerry: Hello?
Helen (In Florida With Morty): Jerry? Leo told us he saw your bounced check. Are you having money problems?
Jerry: I'm not having money problems.
Helen: Enough with the comedy! You're very clever, you should look into advertising.
Morty: He never even called Ed Roydlick. They were looking for someone!
Jerry: I'm not calling Ed Roydlick. I'm doing fine!
Helen: That's it. I'm gonna to send you fifty dollars.
Jerry: You are NOT sending me fifty dollars!
Helen: We're sending you fifty dollars! Morty, get me an envelope.
Jerry (Angrily): I swear to God, if you send me fifty dollars, you are gonna be so sorry!
Morty: I don't see envelopes!
Helen: They're right in front of you! Oh, for heaven's sakes... (She puts the phone down on the couch and goes to help Morty.) Show you...
Jerry: Ma! Ma! MAAA! (Hangs up the phone in disgust.) Oh, ahhhh (sighs quietly)
George: How're the folks?
Jerry: Good.
George: So? Movie tonight?
Jerry: I thought you were going out with Celia?
George: I did. I'm back. I love this relationship, I feel so liberated!
Jerry: Having her in jail.
George: The only thing that bothers me is that I'm just coming up with this now.
Jerry: Yeah, dating a convicted felon. I don't know how you missed it.
Elaine: Here. (Shows Kurt's driver's license to Jerry.) Take a look at that.
Jerry: Huh. Kurt's an organ donor.
Elaine: No! He's not bald. Look! He's got a full head of hair.
Jerry: So he just shaves his head for no reason?
George: That's like using a wheelchair for the fun of it!
Elaine: And he's growing it in just for me. (Happily) It's mine. It's all mine. (clutches the photo between her hands and to her chest then looks at it again)
Jerry: It's just hair.
Elaine: It's not just hair! Look!
Jerry: It's brown.
Elaine: It's chestnut with auburn highlights!
Jerry: So?
Elaine: You're not around women. You don't know how important a man's hair is.
Elaine: I'm sorry, George, but it's true.
George (Close To Tears): I knew it.
Marcelino: Hey, Kramer.
Kramer: Yeah (quietly)
Marcelino: Nice rooster.
Kramer: Yeah (again quietly)
Marcelino: What's his name?
Kramer: Ah, well, this is Little Jerry Seinfeld.
Marcelino: Little Jerry Seinfeld. Does he bounce checks? (laughs)
Kramer: Look, can't you take Jerry's check down?
Marcelino: Sorry Kramer, can't help you.
Kramer: Hey, hey Jerry, come on. Sorry.
Marcelino (Impressed): I like the way he handles himself.
Kramer: Oh yeah (quietly)
Elaine: Ohhh, it's coming in already!
Kurt: Yeah (quietly)
Elaine: Wow, you have some very nice little seedlings here. Huh...
Kurt: What?
Elaine: Well, it doesn't seem to be coming in so good over here. Or here.
Kurt: What do you mean? (Goes into the bedroom to look in the mirror.)
Elaine: Well, I don't know... h- how long have you been shaving your head for?
Kurt (From The Bedroom): About three years.
Elaine: Huh.
Kurt: Oh my God! (Steps into the doorway) I'm going bald!
Celia: George! I'm so glad to see you!
George: Hey, I brought you some cigarettes. You buy yourself something nice.
Celia: Good news - I'm up for parole.
George: Parole! (Feigning joy) That's dynamite!
Jerry: So Marcelino's going to take down the check?
Kramer: Yeah, Well, it comes down if Little Jerry Seinfeld wins the cockfight.
Jerry: Great! (realizing) What?
Kramer: Well, Marcelino, he has cockfights in the back of his store.
Jerry: Ah ha...
Kramer: Yeah, so he says if Little Jerry Seinfeld wins, the check comes down.
Jerry: Kramer, cockfighting is illegal.
Kramer: Only in The United States.
Jerry: It's inhumane!
Kramer: No, Jerry, it's not what you think it is.
Jerry: It's two roosters peckin' at each other!
Kramer: What?
Jerry: Yeah!
Kramer: Well, I thought they wore gloves and helmets, you know, like "American Gladiators."
Jerry: No Kramer, Little Jerry could get hurt.
Kramer: Yeah, well, I left him with Marcelino!
Kramer: My Little Jerry! (Runs out.)
Jerry: Hey, did you get Little Jerry, is he O.K.?
Kramer: Oh well, he's more than O.K., he won!
Jerry: You let him fight?
Kramer: Yeah, well I couldn't get there in time to stop it, but you should have seen Little Jerry, Jerry! Flappin' his wings and struttin' his stuff! He was peckin' and weavin' and bobbin' and talkin' trash! He didn't even have to touch him! The other rooster ran out of the ring. The whole fight lasted two seconds.
Jerry: How long do they usually last?
Kramer: Five seconds. And Marcelino says he's taking your check down today.
Jerry: Great!
Kramer: Hey.
George: Celia's up for parole.
Kramer: Hey, Little Jerry won his cockfight.
George: What?
Kramer: Who?
Jerry: I'm too tired.
Kramer (To Jerry): O.K., listen, I want you to come by later, alright? 'Cause we're having a victory party for Little Jerry.
Jerry: O.K. (Kramer leaves.)
George (Sadly): It's over, Jerry. She's gettin' out.
Jerry: Ah, I'm so sorry.
George: She's been locked up for two years. She's gonna want to make up for lost time. Dinners. Movies. (Rubs his forehead.) Talking...
Jerry: In other words, a normal relationship.
George: Heh, haa. And that's no good. I've tried it straight, Jerry. We've all seen the results. For me, sick is the only way to go.
Jerry: Well, she'll still be an ex-con.
George: It's not the same.
Jerry: Hey, if you two are meant to be together...I'm sure the cops'll pick her up on something.
Elaine: Kurt? What's with the sweats? Aren't we going out?
Kurt: I don't care.
Elaine: You, uh...got a big stain on your shirt.
Kurt: Oh yeah...meatball...fell out of my sandwich.
Elaine: You already ate?
Kurt: It's from yesterday.
Marcelino: Jerry! You missed a hell of a cockfight last night.
Jerry: Then what is my check still doing up? We had a deal!
Marcelino: Now we have a new deal.
Jerry: New deal?
Marcelino: When Little Jerry Seinfeld is mine, the check will be yours.
Jerry: This is Outrageous! (To Marcelino) Pack of Juicy Fruit.
Marcelino (Tosses The Gum On The Counter): 85 cents.
Jerry: 85 cents? That is Outrageous!
Jerry: Kramer, Marcelino wants us to sell him Little Jerry Seinfeld.
Kramer: Well, that's out of the question.
Jerry: But Kramer, cockfighting is an illegal and immoral activity.
Kramer: Yeah, if you got a loser. But Little Jerry was born to cockfight!
Jerry: No, no more cockfighting. Let's just sell him to Marcelino the cockfighter and be done with it!
Kramer: You know, I think you're jealous.
Jerry: Of what?
Kramer (Points At Jerry Like He'S Found Him Out): Yah, yah! You see in Little Jerry Seinfeld the unlimited future you once had. Now, just because Jerry Seinfeld is a has-been, don't make Little Jerry Seinfeld a never-was!
Jerry: Kramer, give me that rooster!
Kramer: Never! You hate him because he's doing more with your name than you ever will! Yah-yah! (Kramer leaves.)
Betsy: George, Celia has listed you as a character reference. Whatever you can tell us would certainly be helpful in, her getting paroled.
George: Well, anything I can do to help, um...she's a wonderful girl. Very smart. Very eh...crafty.
Betsy: Does she have any plans after she's released?
George: Plans. Schemes. She ah, she keeps talking about getting back together with her old friends, you know - "the gang," as she likes to call them (chuckles), you know. Yeah, they're eh, they're hatching something, you can count on that.
Marcelino: Jerry! Tomorrow night's fight-night. Where's my rooster?
Jerry: Kramer won't sell.
Marcelino: Well, tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna take down your check anyway.
Jerry: Oh well, thank you, Marcelino.
Marcelino: Well, perhaps someday you will do me a favor. And that day is today. Little Jerry Seinfeld must go down in the third round of tomorrow's main event.
Jerry: You want Little Jerry to take a dive?
Marcelino: Shhh, not so loud.
Jerry: First of all, I don't think you can make a rooster take a dive.
Marcelino: Can, too!
Jerry: Second of all, Jerry Seinfeld - big or little - doesn't go down for anyone, anywhere, at anytime! Now I'd appreciate it if you please leave.
Marcelino (Leaving): Big Jerry is making a big mistake, Jerry.
Jerry: We'll see about that. (Runs to the window and shouts up to Kramer, who's on the roof.) Kramer, I'm comin' up! We got a cockfight to win!
Kramer: O.K.!
Kurt: Elaine said you would be the best person I could talk to.
George (Examining Kurt'S Head With A Lamp): Yep. Classic horseshoe pattern. I've seen a lot of this.
Kurt: Oh, God.
George: No, no, Kurt - wrong attitude. You should be happy now.
Kurt: Happy? Why should I be happy?
George: You've still got pretty good coverage. Once the enemy advances beyond this perimeter - (points at Kurt's head with a pen) - then you won't be Kurt anymore.
Kurt: Who will I be?
Kurt: How long do I have?
George (Solemnly): 14 months. Maybe 10.
Kurt: Is there anything I can do?
George: Yes. Live, dammit. Live! Every precious moment as if this was the last year of your life. Because in many ways...it is. (There's a knock at the door.) Excuse me.
George: Celia? W-w-what are you doing here?
Celia: Well, I didn't get my parole, so I busted out.
George (Nervously): And-and you just decided to pop in...!
Elaine: Kurt!
Kurt: Elaine...(holds out a wedding ring) Will you marry me?
Kramer: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Boy he's lookin' good, huh Jerry?
Jerry: Yeah. Alright, I think that's enough for today. (Kramer picks up Little Jerry and takes him to the sink.) Little Jerry is lean, mean, peckin' machine! (Kramer starts filling a pot with water.) What are you doing with that?
Kramer: I'm just gonna heat this up. Make a little hot-tub for Little Jerry.
Jerry: Hey, Kramer...?
Jerry: Be careful.
George: Hey.
Jerry: Hey, guess what! Little Jerry ran from here to Newman's in under thirty seconds!
George: Is that good?
Jerry: I don't know. Where have you been?
George: Celia broke out of prison. I'm sitting in my home, she shows up at the door!
Jerry: Oh my God! The break-out/pop-in!
George: Yeah. Hey Jerry, listen to this. I discovered something even better than conjugal visit sex. Fugitive sex! Now, it's like everytime -
Jerry (Interrupts): George, this is a little too much for me - escaped convicts, fugitive sex...I got a cockfight to focus on. (Jerry leaves.)
Elaine: Hey hey Kurt, slow down! I can't just marry you, whim-bam-boom! I mean, I need some "fiance-time," I need some "make-my-girlfriends-jealous" time...
Kurt: Plus, you want to get to know me.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, that too.
Kurt: Well, how much time?
Elaine: (sighs Wa-ah) I don't know...a year?
Kurt: No, no, no...it has to be now.
Elaine: (sighs ahh) Could I see the ring again?
Jerry (To Elaine): So, you're actually considering it?
Elaine: Well, it'll be a couple of years before he's completely bald. Those'll be good times.
Jerry: Marriage is a big step, Elaine. Your life'll totally change.
Elaine: Jerry, it's three-thirty in the morning. I'm at a cockfight. What am I clinging to?
George: Oh, hey, sorry I'm late.
Jerry: Hey.
George: Sorry I'm late.
Jerry: Where's Celia?
George: She didn't want to come, she-she's not really into sports.
Jerry: hmm. (nodding head)
Jerry: Hey, how's he doin'?
Kramer: Ohh, He's got a big sweat going. (Takes an envelope out of his pocket.) Oh, this came for you express-mail. It's from your parents.
Jerry (Opens The Envelope): Fifty dollars. I Don't Believe This!
Kramer: There's Marcelino. (Marcelino enters the ring holding a huge white rooster.)
Jerry: Look at the size of his bird!
Kramer: That looks like a dog with a glove on his head.
Kurt: Hi, is George back from the cockfight yet? You know, I gotta thank him, he changed my life.
Celia: No, it must have been a good fight, he's not back yet.
Kurt: Ah, damn.
Detective #1 (To Kurt): Sorry to bother you, Mr. Costanza. Well, well, well. Look who's here.
Celia: Aw, man!
Detective #2 (To Kurt): Mr. Costanza, you're under arrest for aiding and abetting a known fugitive.
Kurt (Laughs): I'm not George Costanza.
Detective #2: Save it. We know you're bald. We know it's you. Let's go! (They escort Kurt and Celia out.)
Elaine (To A Woman At The Fight): Muchos gracias. (Turns back to Jerry and Kramer.) O.K., I got the whole scoop. Marcelino flew the bird in from Ecuador. He's 68 and 0!
Jerry: He's a ringer!
George: Where's the tamale guy?
Kramer: Little Jerry's going to get his clock cleaned. I gotta get him outta there.
Kramer (Lunging For Little Jerry): Lit _ tle Jer _ ry!
Jerry: Kra _ mer!
Elaine: Stop _ the _ fight!
George (Holds Up One Finger): Ta _ mal _ e!
Kramer: Ahhh, uh, uh, uh, ohuh, aaaa ouh au au au ah ah (more pecking) ah, ah, ah, Ah.
Elaine: Why? Why did you get into a fist fight with the cop? You were innocent!
Kurt: They thought I was George. I'm not that bald. And I have too little time left to take that kind of crap, so I, slugged him.
Elaine: So, how long are you gonna be in here for?
Kurt: Well, my lawyer says 14 months, but with good behavior, maybe...10?
Elaine: (sighs) So 10 to 14 months.
Kurt: Yeah.


Kramer: Well, that was alright, huh?
Emily: Yeah.
Kramer: Well, um, goodnight.
Emily: Goodnight.
(Kramer Rolls Over To Go To Sleep. The Bedside Clock Reads 12: 30. Emily snuggles up to him and puts an arm around him. Kramer doesn't look comfortable with this.)
(The Clock Reads 3: 31. Kramer is lying on his back, sleeping. Beside him, Emily lies face-down, sleeping, with her arms flung out wide. One hand is on the pillow above Kramer's head, then it moves and Emily's forearm runs across Kramer's face, waking him. Kramer looks disgruntled at being awakened.)
Kramer: (quietly, to himself) Look at this.
(The Clock Reads 5: 11. A wide awake Kramer is right over to the edge of the bed, with Emily cuddled up to him, sleeping happily. Kramer tries to carefully move, so as to not wake Emily, but as he shifts his weight, he slips off the end of the mattress and falls to the floor. Emily rolls into the space vacated, continuing to sleep.)
Helen: Jerry, we can only stay four days.
Jerry: Well, I'm upset, but we'll make the most of it.
Morty: Helen, did you pack my travel gym?
Helen: Yes. (to Jerry) Oh, your father bought a exercise device off the television. He does it every morning at four.
Morty: Only twenty-five minutes a day, and you can attach it to any doorknob.
Jerry: Huh. So, I guess your travel miles are about to expire.
Helen: Well, actually, Jerry, we wanted to talk to you about something.
Jerry: Am I finally getting a baby brother?
Helen: Jerry, be serious.
Morty: How would you feel if we sold the Cadillac?
Jerry: What? The Cadillac I bought for you?
Morty: It's too much car, Jerry.
Jerry: Aw, c'mon, you love that car. What about the Northstar system?
Morty: I don't think we even use it.
Jerry: Well, it's a gift and I want you to keep it.
Helen: We already sold it.
Jerry: Wh..why didn't you tell me before you sold it?
Morty: Because we had a buyer, and we couldn't get a free flight until now.
Helen: Well, we could, but we wanted the bulkhead.
Jerry: (exasperated) Ugh.
Kramer: (to Jerry) Man, that Emily is wearing me out.
Jerry: Kramer.
Kramer: No, no, no. It's not the sex, Jerry. (noticing Morty and Helen) Heyy! Seinfelds.
Helen: Hi Kramer.
Morty: Hiya Kramer.
Jerry: We're in the middle of a discussion here.
Kramer: Oh yeah? What about?
Helen: Jerry's upset we sold the Cadillac.
Kramer: What'd you get for it?
Morty: Jack Klompus gave us six grand.
Jerry: You sold my Cadillac to Jack Klompus?
Morty: (trying to press the cheque on Jerry) And we want you to have the money.
Jerry: (getting worked up) I don't need the money.
Morty: What're you talking about? You had a cheque bounce at the bodega.
Jerry: (animated) Oh, is that what this is all about?! I bounce a cheque and you sold a Cadillac?!
Helen: Well, also, Jerry, we read an article in the Sun Sentinel. (digs in her purse and extracts a newspaper clipping) It says standup comedy is not what it used to be, what with def jam and all.
Kramer: Yeah, that def jam is a force.
Helen: Jerry, you know, I hear wonderful things about Bloomingdales' executive training program.
Jerry: (sits on the back of the couch) Oh my god.
Kramer: Y'know you've given this comedy thing your best shot. Yeah, you had some good observations, but it's over. Now, this Bloomingdale thing, that could be the next wave.
George: Uh, excuse me. Uh, pound of Arabian mocha java, please.
Elaine: So, you understand how my Peterman stock options are gonna work?
George: I'm going to the bathroom.
Elaine: Just, very interesting.
Jerry: Yeah, when it's your money, it's fascinating.
Counterperson: Arabian mocha java?
Elaine: (looks for George) Mmm. (can't see him) Oh, um, I got it.
Jerry: That Arabian is strong coffee.
Elaine: It's PLO blend.
Elaine: Ohh, I got your coffee.
George: Oh Oh, here, lemme uh...
Elaine: (waving away) Nah, nah, it's on me. (looks at her watch) Aww, man. Okay, listen guys, I'm gonna be late. (taking her cup of coffee) I'll see you, okay? (begins to walk away)
George: Yeah.
Elaine: Bye.
George: Mmm.
George: You see what just happened here?
Jerry: What?
George: She treated me to the Arabian mocha java.
Jerry: And you misinterpret this how?
George: She's stickin' it to me that she makes more money than me.
Jerry: I'm sure she was just being nice, buying you the coffee.
George: No, not nice. She's stickin' it to me.
Jerry: You're crazy.
George: (worked up) Stickin' it to me, Jerry.
Jerry: George.
George: (angry) Stickin' it!
George: So you're buying the car back for your parents?
Jerry: I'm flying down to Florida tomorrow.
George: Your parents'll never let you do it.
Jerry: They lied to me about selling the car. I'll lie to them about buying it back. They think they can dump six grand on me? Think again.
George: What kind of money you think your parents have?
Jerry: Excuse me?
George: I bet they have more money than mine.
Jerry: Come on, your parents have money.
George: You think?
Jerry: When did they ever spend any money?
George: Never.
Jerry: What are their living expenses?
George: Nothing.
Jerry: Where do they ever go on vacation?
George: Nowhere.
George: How much money d'you think they have?
Jerry: Few hundred grand?
George: (excited) You're saying I stand to inherit three hundred thousand dollars, is that what you're saying?!
Jerry: Course you may not see it for twenty years.
George: Twenty years? That long?
Jerry: Does your father still eat bacon and eggs every day?
George: Fortunately, yes.
Jerry: How's your family history?
George: I have an aunt that died at seven.
Jerry: Really?
George: Aunt Baby.
Kramer: Elaine. Uh, you got a moment?
Elaine: Yeah, Kramer, come on in.
Kramer: I, uh, need to speak to you about some lady problems.
Elaine: (unsure) Oh-kay.
Kramer: (a little anxious) You know, after I have sex with Emily, uh, I don't want her in the bed any more.
Elaine: Ah.
Kramer: Yeah, because she's throwing off my whole sleep. She's got the jimmy legs.
Elaine: (confused) Jimmy legs?
Kramer: Jimmy leg.
Elaine: (grasping the concept) Ohh.
Kramer: So, uh, well, maybe I should just be honest with her, huh?
Elaine: Tell her after sex, you just want her outta there?
Kramer: Well, I'd say it nicely.
Elaine: I don't think so.
Kramer: Well, you know, I really like this girl and I, you know, I think if I could just work out this one thing...
Elaine: (interrupting) Yeah. I gotta be honest with you Kramer. You might be more than just a coupla tweaks away from a healthy relationship.
Kramer: Well you're not exactly zeroing in yourself, lady.
Elaine: (pointing to the door, angry) Alright, get out.
Elaine: (impatient) Get out!
Jerry: So listen, I gotta go down to Atlantic City. I'm performing at Bally's.
Morty: You just heard about this today?
Jerry: (pulling on a jacket) They had a cancellation and they instantly called me.
Helen: Who cancelled?
Jerry: Carrot Top. I told you, my career's fine.
George: I been, uh, thinking about the family. Tell me, uh, about Aunt Baby.
Frank: (looks up to heaven) She's deceased.
George: (glances upwards) Yeah. Uhm, why did she die so young?
Frank: (looks to Estelle) She had problems. (Estelle nods) Internal.
George: Is that common in our family?
Estelle: Well, your uncle Moe, he died a young man.
Frank: Also internal problems.
Estelle: It's that temper on your side. They're yelling and yelling, and then one day, they're all gone.
Frank: What about your side? Your cousin Hennie. (animated) She was sickly from the moment I met her!
Estelle: (shouts) Don't you talk about Hennie!
George: I guess you two are the lucky ones.
Frank: So far.
Estelle: Frank, if Aunt Baby were alive today, how old would she be?
Frank: She'd never make it.
Emily: So let me get this straight. You enjoy the lovemaking...
Kramer: Shh, shh.
Emily: (quieter) Well, do you?
Kramer: Oh yeah, like strawberry pie.
Emily: Okay, but you have a problem sharing a bed with me?
Kramer: I know it's not what the ladies like. But without some solid sack time, I'm a zombie.
Emily: I don't know.
Kramer: (pleading) Aww, c'mon, man. Meet me halfway.
Emily: You're not easy, Kramer.
Kramer: I know.
Jack: So, to what do I owe the pleasure of this, unannounced, visit?
Jerry: I wanna buy back the Cadillac.
Jack: You wanna buy it back? Why, you go drugs hidden in the trunk?
Jack: I'm kidding.
Jerry: (reaching into his pocket) Alright, I'll give you nine thousand for it.
Jack: Nine thousand for a Cadillac? It's got no miles on it.
Jerry: You bought it for six!
Jack: You're not me.
Jerry: (standing) How much d'you want for it?
Jack: The Kelly blue book value. Twenty-two thousand dollars.
Jerry: Fourteen thousand.
Jack: Done. But, I get to drive it tomorrow, because Doris wants to go to Naples.
Jack: Need a pen?
Jack: Still works.
Kramer: Hey, where's Jerry?
Helen: He's performing at Bally's in Atlantic City.
Kramer: Aw, okay. (picks up the phone and starts dialling) Yeah, I need his shoeshine kit. (still dialling) He always hides it from me. (puts the phone to his ear and waits for a second or two) Yeah, Bally's? Yeah, Jerry Seinfeld's room, please.
Morty: You know that number?
Kramer: I used to have a problem. (into phone) Well, what d'you mean, he's not registered? Wha..S, E, I, N, V...
Helen: F. F, E, L , D.
Kramer: ...F, E, L, D. (half-laughing) Well, I think you're wrong. (listens) Alright, you have a lucky day, too.
Helen: He's not there?
Kramer: No, they never heard of him.
Elaine: This is so nice of you to take us all out to dinner, George.
George: (oozing fake sincerity) Well, as much as I enjoy all the good-natured ribbing, nothing really makes me happier than spending money on the people I care about.
Helen: Where's Jerry?
George: Oh, he'll be here. By the way, Elaine, (reaches under the table and brings out a large coffee machine) thank you for laying out for the Arabian mocha java.
Elaine: George, you didn't have to do this. I'm president of a big company. I can afford to buy you coffee.
Morty: (surprised) President?
Elaine: Yeah.
George: Hey look, he's back.
Jerry: I got your message, (sitting) so I came straight from Atlantic City.
Helen: Jerry, Kramer called Bally's. You weren't registered.
Jerry: (extemporising) Well, I can't stay under my own name. I was registered under Slappy White.
George: Mom? Dad?
Estelle: Well, look who's here. Hello, Seinfelds.
George: Wh..what're you doing here?
Frank: We're having an upscale dinner.
George: What?
Estelle: Well, after talking to you, we realised we may not have much time left.
Frank: So, we're blowing it all.
Frank: (holding out his tie) Look George, it's a Pierre Cardin.
Kramer: That was alright.
Emily: Yeah.
Kramer: (abruptly) Well, I'll see you.
Jerry: Hello.
Jack: (shouting like there's a bad line) Jerry, I had a little mishap with the car.
Jack: I'm down here in alligator alley. You better get down here.
Jerry: (quiet) Huh. Alright.
Helen: Who was that?
Jerry: (extemporising) That was the Golden Nugget. Also in Atlantic City. They heard such good things about my show at Bally's, they want me for tonight. So I'll have to repack, and go.
Morty: That didn't sound like the Golden Nugget.
Helen: I'm worried. What happens if we have to support Jerry?
Morty: I'd have to go back to work.
Helen: Where would you work?
Morty: Maybe I should talk to Elaine.
Elaine: Well, Mr Seinfeld, I..I'm not sure I understand why you want a job here.
Morty: What's not to understand?
Elaine: Well, for one thing, you live in Florida.
Morty: I'm very comfortable working outta the house. I have a phone, we have a Kinko's nearby. You know, I think that my resume speaks for itself.
Elaine: (looking around her desk) Where is your resume?
Morty: I don't have it. I'll mail you one.
Elaine: Alright, Mr Seinfeld, I... What kind of position did you have in mind?
Morty: You sell clothes here, don't you?
Elaine: Yeah.
Morty: Well, I sold raincoats in the garment centre for thirty-eight years. In nineteen forty-nine...
Elaine: (interrupting) Alright. Alright, alright. You come in tomorrow, we'll find something for you to do.
Morty: You won't regret this, Miss Benes. What time should I be in? I get up at four, I could be here as early as four twenty-five.
Elaine: Uhm...
Peterman: (upbeat) Oh, Elaine, this dry air is curing me like a Black Forest ham.
Elaine: (stunned) Mr Peterman. You're back.
Morty: Who's Mr Fancy?
Kramer: (hesitant) I uh, I was thinking maybe I should spend the night.
Emily: Aww, that's sweet, but actually I, I think I'd prefer it if you left.
Kramer: (surprise) What?
Emily: You were completely right. I sleep so much better when I'm alone. (pause) And you scream in your sleep.
Kramer: I do?
Kramer: (fearful) There was a man, he was trying to get into my apartment last night. He was jiggling the doorknob for twenty-five minutes.
Emily: C'mon, it was probably the wind.
Kramer: No, no, no. It was a fearless cat burglar. (pleading) Now listen, you gotta let me sleep here, huh? Y'know, I'll stay here on my side, and I'll stuff a sock in my mouth. (panicky) 'Cos I don't wanna sleep alone.
Emily: (adamant) Well, I do.
Jack: What took you so long?
Jerry: I live in New York. (slams the cab door) What the hell happened?
Jack: This thing is a, is a behemoth.
Jerry: What did you do?
Jack: I was, I was making a, a simple lane change. I, I put on the blinker and it took off on me. And the next thing you know, I was submerged. I'm telling you, Jerry, I'm very lucky that those crocs didn't get me.
Jerry: (exasperation) You are such an idiot. Well, we gotta get the car cleaned up for my parents.
Jack: (shrugging) Do whatever you want. It's your car.
Jerry: My car? You drove it into the swamp!
Jack: It drove itself into the swamp! Besides, I think I lost my pen, too.
Jerry: (smiling with pleasure) You know, that almost makes this all worthwhile.
George: (pointing outside) Why is there a Cadillac parked in front of the house?
Frank: That's your mother's new car.
George: You bought that?
Frank: It's a Coupe de Elegance.
Estelle: Your father wanted a Mercedes, but I won't ride in a German car.
Kramer: Mornin'.
Kramer: Oh, boy.
George: What the hell is going on here?
Kramer: I had some trouble at my place, so I need a little company at night to sleep.
Estelle: George, your mother and I, and Kramer (holds Kramer's hand) have been talking.
George: (dread) Oh god.
Kramer: Uh, George, your parents can't blow through their savings in this community. It's low-rent. Now, we feel that Florida is really the place where they should be.
Frank: (claps his hands) You can drop a grand in Disneyworld, like that.
George: Wait a minute. (astonished) You're thinking of moving to Florida again?!
Estelle: Well, it's either that or we stay here, near you, and just sit on the money. What do you think we should do, Georgie?
Peterman: So, anyway, effective immediately, Miss Benes will return to her old position, at her original salary...
Peterman: ...and I, of course, will return to mine. Kudos, Elaine, on a job... done.
Elaine: (hardly daring to ask) What about my stock options?
Peterman: I think not.
Peterman: Now, down to business. (thoughtful) I have had this vision of a diaphanous rum-runner scarf.
Elaine: Well, we could fly some fabric in from our silk factories, for about a thousand dollars a bolt.
Morty: (shocked) A thousand?! I know a coupla Chinamen over there on Forty-third Street, who'll do it for half that.
Elaine: (tactful) It's, ah, Asian-Americans.
Morty: What?
Peterman: (puzzled) Who are you?
Elaine: Don't worry, I...
Morty: Morty Seinfeld. I cut velvet for forty years with Harry Altman.
Elaine: Okay, Mr Seinfeld, this is not the t...
Peterman: Elaine, did you hire this man?
Elaine: (worried) No, no. Well, I mean, you know, he's more like an intern, you know, at best.
Elaine: So, if your parents move to Florida, you're poor.
George: (pointing out the positive) But happy.
Elaine: Obviously. And if they stay, you're rich, but...
George: Obviously.
Elaine: Quite a dilemma. You know, I have a bit of a dilemma of my own.
George: No, no. No, no, no. (determined) We're staying on me. We haven't solved anything yet.
Elaine: Alright, this is easy. Let 'em go.
George: What d'you mean, let 'em go? They're spending all my money.
Elaine: Alright, well, then they stay. Lemma ask you something...
George: (upset) Could you put a little thought into this? Jerry's gone, you could humour me. He humours me.
Elaine: Speaking of Jerry, his father is driving me so crazy down at Peterman's.
George: You know what I do at the Yankees, when one of these old guys is breathing down my neck?
Elaine: What?
George: You schedule a late meeting.
Elaine: (puzzlement) Huh? What does that do?
George: These old guys, they're up at 4 a.m., by two thirty they're wiped. (animated) How did we get back onto you?!
Elaine: (grabbing her bag and coat) I gotta split.
George: (shouted after Elaine) You know, I got nothing outta this!
Kramer: Hey Frank, you got two beds in here.
Frank: That's right. That's me on the left.
Kramer: So, you sleep in separate beds.
Frank: Thirty years ago, we came to an agreement. It was the only way I could get some rest.
Kramer: (intrigued) Really?
Frank: (confidential) Estelle's got the (jerks his elbow) jimmy arms.
Kramer: You can get that in your arms?
Frank: Like you wouldn't believe.
Jack: Jerry, it's getting late. You've cleaned up the car. You've made all your phone calls. Why are you still here?
Jerry: Well, I uh, maxed out my credit cards, and I don't have enough cash for a hotel room. So...
Jack: You are uh, thinking of staying here?
Jerry: Well...
Jack: (laughing) You've got some nerve. I almost break my neck in that death-trap of yours, and now you ask me for a favour!
Jerry: You didn't like that crack about the pen.
Jack: I did not.
George: Well, I've given this a lot of thought, and I've gotta say...
George: (attempting sincerity) As much as I'd like to see the two of you living it up in a warm, tropical, setting, I, I would just miss you too much. (smiling) So, I've decided, I want you to stay.
Frank: It's too late. We bought a condo at Del Boca Vista. We're leaving tonight.
George: (crestfallen) But you said it was my call.
Estelle: We were just being nice.
Estelle: (motherly concern) Cosmo, are you sure you're gonna be alright here alone?
Kramer: Oh, yeah, yeah. I got Emily coming over tonight.
George: (animated) You're letting him have a woman over?!
Frank: He's not family. It's different, psychologically.
Peterman: And so, I made an explosive out of chick peas, and I stopped that great rhino right in his tracks.
Morty: Well, it's getting kinda late, why don't we uh...
Elaine: Mr Peterman, that can't have been the only time that you faced mortal danger.
Peterman: (smiles and laughs) Ha ha ha. Funny you should ask, Elaine.
Morty: Look, if we're gonna stay here until all hours of the night, can we at least get some food here?
Peterman: (looks at his watch) It's only five fifteen. So, later on that same day, I developed a great hankering for some wild honey...
Morty: (standing) Okay, I'm done. I'll be back in the morning, when he's close to finish with his story.
Peterman: Morty. My stories are what sell these clothes.
Morty: Cheap fabric, and dim lighting. That's how you move merchandise.
Peterman: (winks) Morty, you're out.
Morty: (unconcerned) Ach, I never knew what the hell I was peddling with those stupid cartoons and that paper book, anyway.
Kramer: I don't know why I let you talk me into that corned beef at Snitzer's.
Emily: (not looking up from her book) No-one held a gun to your head.
Kramer: (dismissive) Yeah.
Emily: (still reading) Don't forget, we're eating dinner at the Feinerman's tomorrow night.
Kramer: (moody) Oh, why do I have to go? They're your friends.
Emily: You like 'em.
Kramer: I've had it with 'em.
Emily: Then we won't go.
Kramer: (yielding) Okay, okay. What time?
Emily: Eight thirty.
Kramer: (satisfied) Ahh. That was alright.
Elaine: 'One bright note in today's market, was the stock of retailer J Peterman, whose founder's surprise return generated a rise of twelve and a half points.'
Jerry: Mmm-mmm-mmm. That means, if you still had those stock options...
Elaine: (downcast) Yeah.
George: (Jerry-style) That's a shame.
Elaine: (sharp) What, are you sticking it to me?
George: (innocent) What?
Elaine: I think you're sticking it to me.
Jerry: Elaine, I'm sure George is just being sympathetic.
Elaine: (leaning forward and accusing) Stickin' it!
Jerry: You're not alone. I'm practically broke.
Elaine: Really?
Jerry: No. But, I did blow over twenty thousand on that Cadillac.
George: (relishing) Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm. Delicious.
Jerry: Well, you seem happy.
George: I am. The folks are twelve hundred miles away. (gleeful) I'm basking in the buffer zone. (looks for the waitress) 'Nother piece of pie here!
Elaine: So, were your parents shocked to see the Cadillac?
Jerry: Actually, I haven't heard from 'em yet.
Elaine: Hmm.
Morty: When are we gonna tell Jerry?
Helen: I don't wanna worry him. We'll tell him next time we go up.
Morty: He thought he could buy back that Cadillac for us? He's not getting away with that.
Helen: Besides, that condo was too much house.
Estelle: How many times can you check the car?
Frank: (coming away from the window) I saw a bum sleeping in a Cadillac the other day.
Estelle: Why would someone break into a car to take a nap?
Frank: They don't nap. They make it their home. They urinate in there!
Estelle: (shouts) You're driving me crazy!
Frank: (standing) That's it, we're going back to Queens. (claps hands) Where's my hat?
Estelle: (shouts) Nooh!