Elaine: She was hitting on you? My friend Noreen?
Jerry: Your friend, Noreen.
Elaine: Are you sure you're not just flattering yourself?
Jerry: If I was flattering myself, I think I'd come up with someone a little less annoying than Noreen.
Elaine: I cannot believe that she was hitting on you.
Jerry: If you don't believe me, ask her.
Elaine: I will. Besides, she's got a boyfriend, Jerry, you know him. Dan. Remember, we went to that party at his house?
Jerry: Oh, right. The guy who talks with a really high voice.
Elaine: Yeah.
Kramer: Jerry, did you get my Fortune magazine in your mail?
Jerry: Check the pile.
Kramer: (leafing through Jerry's mail) Oh, who sent you a card?
Jerry: I don't know.
Kramer: Open it, it's from Hallmark.
Jerry: Oh.
Elaine: Hello, darling.
Jerry: Isn't that cute, a 'thank you' card from Kristin.
Kramer: Let me see.
Elaine: Who's Kristin?
Jerry: She works for PBS, I met her when I agreed to do that pledge drive.
Kramer: Did you ask her about me?
Jerry: Yeah, in fact she said that you could be one of those people that sits in the back and answers the phone.
Kramer: Giddy-up! Alright! So now, how does that work? Now, what, I get a percentage of every pledge I bring in, right?
Jerry: No, it's not aluminum siding, it's volunteer work. All the money goes to the station.
Kramer: Okay, yeah, alright, that sounds good, but I still get a tote bag though, right?
Jerry: Yeah, and one of those foam beer can holders.
Elaine: (dialing the phone) You know what I'm doing? I'm calling Noreen.
Jerry: Oh, go ahead.
Elaine: You sure you don't mind?
Jerry: Like she's really going to admit she was flirting with me.
High Pitched Voice: Hello?
Elaine: Hi, it's Elaine. Listen, I was just talking to Jerry.
High Pitched Voice: Jerry?
Elaine: Jerry Seinfeld.
High Pitched Voice: Oh, I like Jerry a lot.
Elaine: You mean like like?
High Pitched Voice: What are you talking about?
Elaine: Noreen, were you hitting on him?
High Pitched Voice: Noreen's not here, this is Dan.
Elaine: Ooh.
Dan: You say that Noreen was hitting on Jerry Seinfeld?
Elaine: Uh oh.
Jerry: So was I right? She likes me, right?
Elaine: Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Pitt. Hello?
High Pitched Voice: Elaine? What is going on? Why did you tell Dan I was hitting on Jerry Seinfeld?
Elaine: Is this Noreen?
High Pitched Voice: (Noreen) What would ever possess you to make up a story like that.
Elaine: Well, listen, Jerry mentioned it, and, I don't know-
Elaine: Noreen, are you crying?
Dan: No, this is Dan!
Elaine: Oh, hi Dan.
Mr. Pitt: Elaine? Work?
Elaine: Tell Noreen I'll just call her back later.
Mr. Pitt: Who was crying?
Elaine: No one. I'm sorry Mr. Pitt, that won't happen again.
Mr. Pitt: (unwrapping a candy bar, placing it on a plate and cutting it with knife and fork) I'm sure it won't, but someone was crying and I want to know who it was.
Elaine: Well, it's a long story, okay? But my stupid friend Jerry told my other friend Noreen that she was- (noticing Mr. Pitt eating the candy bar with knife and fork and becoming distracted) You know, hitting on him and so I called her to see what was, uh, going on and I accidentally got her boyfriend, who is this, you know-
Jerry: I'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for a living, but there's no joking about the financial crisis at PBS. Show us you care. Call in your pledge now.
Kristin: Jerry, I am so grateful that you're doing this.
Jerry: Oh, I know you are.
Kristin: You got the card I sent?
Jerry: I did.
Kristin: So where is it?
Jerry: What?
Kristin: The card. Is this it in the trash?
Jerry: No?
Kristin: This is my card, you threw it away.
Jerry: Well-
Kristin: I put a lot of thought into this card.
Jerry: You signed your name and you addressed the envelope, it's not like you painted the picture and wrote the poem.
Kristin: Fine. I gotta get back to the office.
Jerry: Why, because I threw the card out? How long was I supposed to save it?
Kristin: You have no sentimentality.
Jerry: I have sentimentality, really, I'm sentimental. Here, look. Here's some cards I've saved, these are birthday cards from my grandmother, see, I'm not a bad guy.
Kristin: Oh, so you save her cards but not mine! Oh great!
Jerry: (as Kristin is storming out) Well, but, you see, I saved something! See? I can save. I'll see you at the pledge drive, ok?
Kramer: New cards, huh?
Jerry: No, they're old cards from my grandmother.
Kramer: Oh. Well, I'll tell you, a nice greeting card can really lift a person's spirits.
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: (opening a card) Oh, a check.
Jerry: Yeah, she puts ten dollars in every card for my birthday, that's why I save them.
Kramer: There's a check in all these? Why don't you cash them?
Jerry: I don't know, it's ten dollars.
Kramer: But you got a whole pile here. 1987?
Jerry: Oh so what.
Kramer: Jerry, your grandmother gave you this gift. She wants you to spend the money, to have the fun that she can't have. Oh, this is tantamount to a slap in the face.
Jerry: Oh, get out of here.
Kramer: Jerry, a gift not enjoyed is like a flower that doesn't blossom.
Jerry: Alright, alright, I'll cash the checks.
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: It was a 'thank you' card from Kristin because I'm doing the PBS drive. I mean, how long am I supposed to keep it?
George: The rule is a minimum of two days.
Jerry: You making that up or do you know what you're talking about?
George: I'm making it up.
Jerry: I mean really, what's the point of saving it? I could see if I had a mantel.
George: Oh, well, a mantel's a whole different story.
Jerry: Absolutely.
George: If my parents had a mantel, I might be a completely different person.
Jerry: So anyway, she's kind of upset about it so I need you to do me a favor.
George: Let's have it.
Jerry: Well, I'm doing the PBS show, so during the show they're gonna be running the Ken Burns baseball thing. So I thought if I could get a baseball player to come on the show with me...
George: You want me to ask one of the Yankees.
Jerry: Could you?
George: Alright. I'll run it by a few people.
Jerry: Alright, Do your thing, where you lie to everyone.
Elaine: (entering and sitting down) I should never have made that phone call.
Jerry: Hey, did you ever get to talk to Noreen?
Elaine: Yes, she's very upset.
Jerry: So was I right about the flirting? Was it true?
Elaine: I don't know, I never asked. She was yelling-
George: Who was flirting with you?
Jerry: Remember when we were in the bookstore, that woman came up to us?
George: She wasn't flirting with you.
Jerry: Oh, sure she was; Asked me where the 'humor' section was? Humor? Come on.
Elaine: Jerry, her brother just had a book of political cartoons published.
Jerry: Alright, so maybe she wasn't flirting with me. So what?
Elaine: So, yeah, that's funny. Hey, you wanna hear something weird? Mr. Pitt eats his Snickers bars with a knife and fork.
George: Really?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: Why does he do that?
George: He probably doesn't want to get chocolate on his fingers. That's the way these society types eat their candy bars.
Jerry: Oh, you know.
George: What, you think I eat all my meals with you? (To waitress) Excuse me, sweetheart? I think you may have overcharged us. What is this?
Waitress: That's the extra toast. Get it?
George: Got it. (the waitress walks away) Did you just see what happened here?
Elaine: What?
George: Did you see the way she pointed at the check? She gave me the finger.
Jerry: That's how waitress types express derision. They don't want to get their mouths dirty.
George: So, what do you think?
Mr. Morgan: A PBS fundraiser? I'm not gonna waste any of the players' time with that, besides the team already does so much promotion for channel eleven.
George: Channel eleven? Forgive me for trying to class up this place, for trying to have the Yankees reach another strata of society that might not watch channel eleven.
Mr. Morgan: Uh, what the hell are you doing?
George: I am eating my dessert. How do you eat it, with your hands?
Mr. Morgan: You know, maybe George has something here about PBS.
Jerry: Okay, sixty bucks from Nana.
Kramer: Huh? Yeah.
Nana: Hello?
Voice: Hello, this is Chemical Bank. Just wanted you to know that your checking account is overdrawn.
Nana: Chemical Bank? I haven't used that account in months.
Voice: Well, someone's been cashing the checks and you're overdrawn.
Nana: Oh dear. I'll be down there first thing in the morning.
Voice: (unheard by Nana as she hangs up the phone) Wait, we can do this over the phone.
(Fade To The Next Morning, The Alarm Clock Goes Off, It'S 5: 30, Nana turns off the alarm, fully dressed, gathers her coat and purse, sighs, and heads for the door.)
Jerry: You got Danny Tartabull?!
George: You wanted a Yankee, I got you a Yankee.
Jerry: Boy, you really came through. Kristin's gonna be thrilled.
George: Hey, the Bull owes me one, I helped him with his swing.
Kramer: So you're bringing Danny Tartabull to the fundraiser tonight.
George: Absolutely. Pending approval of the script.
Jerry: Excuse me?
George: Jerry, I'm Yankee management.
Kramer: Yeah, I'd like to see the script too.
Jerry: You're just answering phones!
Kramer: It would put me at ease.
George: Hey, when you order from the waitress, get her to point to the menu. I want to see what finger she uses.
Jerry: Uh, say, I wanted a side order of fruit but I didn't see it on the men
Waitress: Oh, you're getting it (pointing to menu with index finger), it comes with your breakfast special.
Jerry: Right you are.
George: I didn't get the special, but I'd also like the fresh fruit too.
Waitress: (scratching cheek with middle finger) I'll check.
George: (after waitress walks away) I don't believe it, she did it again!
Jerry: Oh, she had an itch.
George: She had an itch. She could have used any one of those fingers. That finger was meant for me.
Jerry: By the way, lunch is on me. I just cashed my Nana's birthday checks.
Street Tough: Looking for something, lady?
Nana: Isn't the Chemical Bank on this block?
Street Tough: The bank? It burned. It's gone!
Nana: Oh dear.
Jerry: (answering) Hello?
Uncle Leo: Jerry? Hello.
Jerry: Uncle Leo!
Uncle Leo: Listen, I don't want to alarm you, but your nana is missing.
Jerry: Nana's missing?
Uncle Leo: I came to pick her up for a doctor's appointment, she wasn't here. I called the doctor, nobody knows where she is. She hasn't left the apartment in twenty-five years!
Jerry: I've been thinking about her, I just cashed some of her checks.
Kramer: Yeah, that's right. You did.
Uncle Leo: What kind of checks?
Jerry: I think Chemical Bank.
Kramer: Oh, they were Chemical.
Uncle Leo: Chemical?! She hasn't used that account since her branch closed. What are you doing cashing her checks anyway?
Jerry: Well, Kramer thought it would make her happy. (To Kramer) I never should have cashed those checks!
Kramer: Hey, I didn't twist your arm.
Uncle Leo: Your grandmother's on a very fixed income. What, are you broke?
Jerry: Just call me if you hear anything. (hangs up and faces Kramer) Well? I cashed the checks, the checks bounced and now my Nana's missing!
Kramer: Well, don't look at me.
Jerry: It's your fault!
Kramer: My fault? Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people.
Noreen: So anyway, it's caused a lot of problems. Dan thinks I'm interested in Jerry, he won't let up.
Elaine: I'm really sorry, but you can see why I'd make a mistake like that.
Noreen: No, why?
Elaine: Well, you know, because he's a high talker.
Noreen: He does raise his voice occasionally, but that's normal.
Elaine: No. No, no, no, not a loud talker, a high talker.
Noreen: Really?
Elaine: You don't think his voice sounds a lot like yours?
Noreen: I never noticed that.
Elaine: Well, it's no big deal, you know, it's just that he can sound like a woman, you know?
Noreen: Great. I'm going out with a man who sounds like a woman.
Elaine: Well, he looks like a man.
Noreen: Yeah.
Elaine: He's bald. I know that's a guy thing.
Noreen: I guess.
Elaine: I know he belches a lot.
Noreen: Well, that's something. So, Jerry thought I was flirting with him.
Elaine: Yeah.
Noreen: (cutting into a cookie with a knife and fork) Hm. He's kind of a baritone, isn't he?
Elaine: What are you doing?
Noreen: I'm eating this cookie.
Elaine: No, no, no, but why are you using a knife and a fork? Did you just
Noreen: No, I've seen people do it. I like it.
Danny Tartabull: This isn't gonna take long, is it?
George: Oh no, in and out, I made sure of that. And you'll be happy to know I perused the script and it's met with my approval.
Danny Tartabull: I'm sure it's fine.
George: (swerving) Hey! Watch it! Did you see that guy? He just gave me the finger!
Danny Tartabull: You sure?
George: Oh yeah! Middle finger, straight up, at me! At us!
Danny Tartabull: What are you doing?
George: I'm following him.
Banker: I'm sorry, the account had insufficient funds. We had to return the
Nana: Oh dear, that's my grandson. May I call him now and explain?
Banker: Oh, certainly.
Elaine: And now I think she might really be interested in you. And Dan is
Jerry: Would you?
Elaine (Answering): Hello?
Nana: Hello, I need to speak to Jerry.
Elaine (Thinking It'S Dan): Oh, it's you. We were just talking about you.
Elaine (Hanging Up): Heh?
Kramer: Any word from Nana?
Jerry: No.
Elaine: Nana?
Jerry: Yeah, my grandma's missing.
Elaine: Missing?
Jerry: Yeah. I think it might have something to do with those checks.
Elaine: Um, what does Nana sound like?
Jerry: Like a grandmother, why?
Elaine: Well...
Jerry: Oh, you hung up on my Nana?!
Elaine: I don't know, maybe.
Jerry: You told Nana to drop dead?!
Elaine: It's possible.
Jerry: Yes, it is!
Kramer: Alright, alright. Look, Jerry, we gotta get down to PBS, PDQ.
Jerry: Alright.
George: No one gives us the finger! We're Yankees!
Danny Tartabull: Want this last donut?
George: No, you can have it.
Kramer: Jerry, where are all the tote bags?
Jerry: I don't know.
Kramer: Well, I'm not leaving the premises without tote bags. I was promised tote bags and tote bags I shall have.
Kristin: Jerry, this man wants to see you.
Jerry: Leo?
Uncle Leo: Hello.
Jerry: Uncle Leo! What are you doing here?
Uncle Leo: I wanted to tell you that your grandmother is fine.
Jerry: Oh.
Uncle Leo: She's had quite a day but she's gonna watch you tonight on the TV.
Kristin: Jerry, I'm dying to meet Danny Tartabull. Where is he?
Jerry: He'll be here any second.
Kristin: You know you guys are both on in five minutes.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah.
Kristin: (leaving) Okay.
Uncle Leo: Why didn't you tell me you were a little short? Here. If anybody asks you where you got it, you don't know.
Jerry: No, that's ok, I really don't need any money.
Uncle Leo: What are you talking about?
Jerry: Please-
Uncle Leo: I want-
Jerry: It's not necessary.
Uncle Leo: Jerry, would you please take it.
Jerry: I can't, I can't take it.
Uncle Leo: I want you to have it!
Jerry: Uncle Leo, I don't want to have it!
Uncle Leo: Jerry, take the money!
Jerry: I don't want it!!
High Pitched Voice: Jerry, open up. We need to talk.
Kramer: Who's that?
Jerry: You know what? It sounds like the friend of Elaine's that was hitting on me in the book store.
Kramer: Jerry, I'll take care of it.
Dan: Is Jerry in there?
Kramer: Well, he can't be disturbed now.
Dan: Well this situation is driving me crazy. He's all I think about. I can't get him out of my mind.
Kramer: I'm sorry. I mean, I know what it's like to be in love. Ties you up in knots. And Jerry is a very sexy man.
Dan: What?
Kramer: Look, I'm not judging you. In fact, we here at PBS, we have many programs celebrating your lifestyle. Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City, Gender Bending and Swinging in San Francisco. Before Stonewall about those dark ages when you couldn't come out of the closet, lest you be persecuted because of your, you know.
Dan: No, I don't.
Kristin: (running up) Are you Danny Tartabull?
Dan: No, I'm not.
George: I'll take care of this, Danny.
George: Excuse me.
Man: What's the problem?
George: I believe you cut me off, and then made an obscene gesture.
Man: I did? Where?
George: Outside of Manhattan, about an hour ago.
Man: Wow! Is that Danny Tartabull?
George: That's right, of the New York Yankees.
Man: I'd like to shake his hand but I can't.
Jerry: I'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for a living, but there's no joking about the financial crisis here at PBS. Our lines are open, so please call the number you see on your screen.
Jerry: This is the only time this year we'll be asking for donations. You've been enjoying Ken Burns' Baseball-
Kramer: (answering) PBS pledge drive.
Nana: Hello, I'd like to speak with Jerry.
Kramer: Oh, you again. Buddy, look, forget about Jerry. It's not gonna happen.
Nana: This is his grandmother.
Kramer: Oh, uh, Nana. Hello.
Nana: Tell Jerry I'm sorry, I'm going to have to write him some new checks.
Kramer: As long as you've got your checkbook out, how about forking a little over to PBS? You watch the station, don't you? You don't want to be a freeloader.
Jerry: -programs like Ken Burns' Baseball. And if Danny Tartabull were here, I'm sure he'd say, 'That's correct, Jerry.'
Kramer: Jerry? I have an announcement. Your grandmother is on the line.
Jerry: My Nana?
Kramer: And as we speak, she's generously writing PBS a check for fifteen hundred dollars!
Uncle Leo: She can't do that, she's on a very fixed income! Stop the show!!
Jerry: I got another card from Kristin. Not quite as chipper as the first one.
Elaine: Wow. Isn't this little bunny giving you the-
Jerry: Yes, he is.
Elaine: You should show this to Georgie.
Jerry: Yeah.
Waitress: (at the next table) Here's your knife and fork.
Jerry: Look, she's cutting up an Almond Joy.
Elaine: I just don't get it.
Jerry: You know, I saw someone on the street eating M&Ms with a spoon.
Elaine: What is wrong with everybody?
Jerry: (surveying the restaurant) Look, they're doing it. They're all doing it!
Elaine: (standing up) What is wrong with all you people?! Have you all gone mad?!!


I Think The Thing I Admire Most About The Chinese Is That They'Re Hanging In There With The Chopsticks. Because, If You Think About It, You Know, They'Ve Seen The Fork... By Now. I'M Sure They'Ve Seen The Spoon, They'Re Going, "Yeah, Yeah, They'Re Ok... We'Re Going To Stay With The Sticks." I Mean, I Don'T Know How They'Ve Missed It: thousands of years ago, Chinese farmer gets up, has his breakfast with the chopsticks, goes out and works all day in the field with a shovel... Hello?... Shovel! Not going out there ploughing 40 acres with a couple of pool cues.
Jerry: (feeling face) Good shave today...
Elaine: (sarcastic) Don't worry, Jerry, I can manage these bags; really I'm fine.
Jerry: I'm thinkin' of lettin' my sideburns grow in a little...
Elaine: Can we rest here a second.
Jerry: (pause) Yeah, I guess.
Jerry: ...So how's Noreen?
Elaine: Mmm! She's got a new boyfriend Paul.
Jerry: Already? That was fast... I assume he's not a High Talker...
Elaine: No, but... he has... The Worst Habit. Whenever he answers the phone, he won't put Noreen right on. Ya have'ta go through, like, ten minutes of chit-chat.
Jerry: A Long Talker.
Elaine: Yeah! And he is so boring! But now, whenever he answers the phone I just hang up.
Jerry: (pause) All right; let's move it out.
Jerry: Hey, isn't that George's father?
Elaine: Oh, yeah, it is! Shall we say hello?
Jerry: I've never seen him in Manhattan before; it's weird. So out of context.
Elaine: That man he's with is he wearing a cape?
Jerry: I believe he is wearing a cape.
Elaine: Why is Mr. Costanza with a man in a cape?
Jerry: Well, it is good cape weather. Cool. Breezy.
Elaine: Yeah, why a cape? Who wears a cape? Where do you even get a cape?
Jerry: You're right; it is strange. In fact, let's cross to the other side of the street. Cover me.
Jerry: Just, uh, plop it on the counter there.
Jerry: Oh! I got a message. (presses button on answer machine)
George: (on tape, lifeless) Hey, it's George. I got nothin' to say... (beep)
Elaine: That sounds urgent...
Jerry: Let me call him back... Hello? Who is this? Donna Chang? Oh, I'm sorry, I must o' dialed the wrong number.
Elaine: Donna Chang?
Jerry: (is redialing) I should've talked to her; I love Chinese women.
Elaine: Isn't that a little racist?
Jerry: If I like their race, how can that be racist?... Hellooo??... Oh, is this Donna Chang again?!... Yyy-yes, I am calling George... Oh, the lines are crossed! You're getting his calls. Well, what do you know?!
Jerry: So listen...
Kramer: Hi. I'm goin' through this stuff like water... (to Jerry) Who you talkin' to? (Jerry waves him away and moves towards the bedroom, still on the phone)
Elaine: He's on with a Chinese woman.
Kramer: Oooo, ooooo. You know, I dig Asian women.
Elaine: You got a comfort problem there?
Kramer: No, I think these Jockeys shrunk.
Elaine: I thought you wore silk underwear.
Kramer: No, no, n-Well, you know, I wore 'em for about a month but I couldn't stick with it. No, I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. (he's serious. Then he makes a hand gesture of grabbing up) My boys need a house!
Elaine: (not charmed) That's nice. Listen, Kramer, you know, if you ever want to have kids you shouldn't wear briefs. Boxers are much better for your sperm count.
Kramer: Sperm count? Well how many ssssperm should I have?
Elaine: A lot!
Jerry: I got a date!
Elaine: With the Chinese woman?!
Jerry: She knew who I was! She saw me in a club one time! My first date ever with the Pacific Rim. I'm very excited.
Kramer: Jerry. Did ya ever have your sperm count checked?
Jerry: No, why should I? I wear boxers.
Kramer: You ever get a woman pregnant?
Jerry: I'm sorry, Kramer. Those records are permanently sealed...
Kramer: What would you say if I told you I never impregnated a woman?
Jerry: Really? You never slipped one past the goalie in all these years??... Boy, I'm surprised. You've slept with a lot of women!
Kramer: A LOT of 'em! (wild gesture, freaked out) Do you think maybe I'm... Depleted??!!
Jerry: Well, I'm sure you're not... Totally Depleted.
Kramer: Yeah but what if I am? I'm the last... male Kramer! We're facing extinction!
Jerry: So go to a fertility clinic. Have your sperm count checked.
Kramer: Yeah, but then I'd have to... (glances at Elaine) well, you know... into a cup in the middle of the day??
Elaine: What, does that conflict with your regular schedule?
Elaine: (going to the phone) All right. I'm gonna try Noreen again.
Jerry: I am very excited about this date! We're goin' to Hunan Balcony!
Elaine: She's Chinese so you suggest Chinese food?
Jerry: She suggested it!
Elaine: I thought Chinese don't eat Chinese...
Jerry: She's very assimilated.
Jerry: Paul again?
Elaine: (matter of fact) You can't get one ring past him.
George: Hey, hey, hey! You don't call me back?!
Jerry: I tried! Your line's crossed with a Chinese woman!
George: ...Huh?
Elaine: Hey, George, we saw your father on the street before.
George: Hmm, what's he doin' in the city today?
George: You didn't ask him?
George: (suspicious) You didn't say hello?
Elaine: Well, he was with someone. A man... In a cape.
George: Why was he wearing a cape?
George: Was my father wearing a cape?
Jerry: No. Jacket and tie no cape.
George: Huh... Cape... (turns, distracted, heads slowly towards door) What was a man with a cape doin' with my father?... What was my father doing with a man in a cape?... (opens door) Why a cape? Hmm! (exits)
Doctor: The results of your sperm test are in.
Kramer: Oh?
Doctor: Ummm... Are you planning to start a family?
Kramer: Yes! I would like to very much!... Well, I'm low, aren't I? I ca-I can feel it!...
Doctor: Yes, I'm afraid you're a little low.
Kramer: Ohhh, maaan!! It's over! The Kramer name is finished! I'm never goin' to procreate-
Doctor: Ah-that's not necessarily true.
Kramer: What
Doctor: There are measures you can take to improve your fertility.
Kramer: All right, all right. What. What. You tell me; I'll do anything. Come on, Doc, tell me.
Doctor: First thing you should wear boxer shorts.
Kramer: All the time?
Doctor: All the time. Ya have to get off Jockeys right away.
Kramer: Yeah, but I've always worn Jockeys.
Elaine: Hi Paul! It's Elaine calling! Yeah, I'm calling from a car phone so I don't really have time to talk. Is, is, uh, Noreen there?!... Oh. She's not?! (hurries to put phone down) Okay, great. Well you can just tell her I called, then, an'- Well, yes. It has been unseasonably cool lately... Oh, okay, well, look I'm pulling up to the building now. So, I'm gonna... (a little later, Elaine is sitting and looking very bored) Yeah, I took 20% too... Um. Look it uh... (turns hair dryer on and off) Paul. The... car seems to be running out of gas so... I'm gonna... have to get off the phone. (hangs up)
Hostess: Please let me know when the rest of your party has arrived, sir.
Jerry: Yes, I will.
Guy: (indicating a cigarette) Do you mind?
Jerry: No, go ahead, I second-hand smoke two packs a day.
Donna: Jerry.
Jerry: (pause. Stops tapping his leg) 'scuse me?
Donna: Hi. Sorry I'm late.
Jerry: Who are you?
Donna: I'm Donna Chang...
Jerry: (stands, puzzled, it's not sinking in) W-what do you mean?
Donna: I mean I'm Donna Chang.
Jerry: (pause) You're Donna Chang?
Donna: Did you think I was Chinese?...
Jerry: Oh. No. What, you mean because of the "Chang"?
Donna: Actually, the family name wasn't originally Chang.
Jerry: I didn't think so.
Donna: Used to be "Changstein."
Elaine: She's not Chinese?
Jerry: No. Not Chinese. Not even Asian.
Elaine: So. What is she?
Jerry: Well, she's... like you.
Elaine: (pause, annoyed) Oh, how disappointed you must have been. (walks to couch, with her cereal)
Jerry: Well, it's false advertising, see? And the thing is, I think she likes people thinkin' she's Chinese. She suggests Chinese food. She always introduces herself as "Donna Chang"...
Elaine: So then why are you seeing her again...
Jerry: Well, she is a woman.
Elaine: Listen, I spoke to Paul an' Noreen. They might be breakin' up.
Jerry: Really? (sits on couch)
Elaine: Well, maybe.
Jerry: Hey, wouldn't it be funny if Paul an' Noreen broke up because o' you kept hangin' up on him?
Elaine: (pause) What do you mean?
Jerry: Well, you know if Paul thought it was some guy... hangin' up because he was having an affair with Noreen?
Kramer: Here, take my Jockey shorts.
Elaine: Whoa! Whoa!
Jerry: Here, what is that?!!
Kramer: Look, you gotta help me. I have to get off Jockey shorts.
Jerry: Wha-you have a low sperm count?
Kramer: Very low! Come on, Jerry. Take 'em.
Jerry: Nnnoo-I don't want 'em. (starts backing away as Kramer follows him around the room carrying the underwear)
Kramer: Jerry, look! You gotta help me! I can't have 'em near me! If I have one pair in my house, I'm gonna wear them!
Jerry: Look! I don't want 'em!
Kramer: All it takes is one pair! Now, come on! J-
Jerry: I'm not gonna be able to sleep if those are in the house!
Kramer: Boxers! How do you wear these things!! Look at that-they're baggin' up, they're rising in! An' there's nothing holding me in place! I'm flippin'! I'm floppin'!
Kramer: What am I gonna do!? Jerry! I'm goin' CRAZY in these things! (leaves)
Jerry: (re the underwear pile) Well, I'm gonna have to move now.
Frank: Ya know what I like about Manhattan? There's no mosquitoes.
George: Plenty of mosquitoes.
Frank: Queens is full of mosquitoes.
George: So, Dad...
Frank: Gnats, too. If I'm not mistaken.
George: (pause) Dad! I heard you were in the city the other day!
Frank: (angry) Your mother has to tell you every move I make?!
George: Jerry and Elaine saw you.
Frank: They didn't say hello?
George: Well, they were in a rush.
Frank: They couldn't just say hello?!... Oh, to hell with them.
George: They, uh... said you were with some guy who was wearing a cape?...
Frank: Elaine, I can see, not sayin' hello. She's very-what's the word-uh, supercilious.
George: So Dad,-
Frank: (shouting and clapping hands in anger) How could Jerry not say Hello?!!
Jerry: Did they uncross the lines yet?
Donna: No, they can't find the problem. It's really getting ridicurous.
Jerry: (long pause - did he hear "ridicurous" - should he say something - can't decide if he should. Finally...) Did you say, "ridicurous"?
Donna: Ridiculous.
Jerry: (pause) I thought you said... "ridicurous." (Donna looks puzzled)
George: Hey- (spots Donna)
Jerry: Oh, what are you doing here?
George: Oh, I wanted to talk to you-I'm sorry, I-didn't know you... (re Donna) had company. (Jerry indicates he should stay) Hiya, I'm George.
Donna: Oh! Hi! (they shake hands) I'm Donna Chang. (George to himself registers that as weird. He and Jerry exchange sideways glances) I just spoke to your mother before.
George: You spoke to my mother?
Donna: She was trying to call you, but-
Jerry: The rines are crossed?
George: Did you say, "The rines are crossed?"
Jerry: Did I?
Donna: (pause) George, she's so sweet. We talked for an hour!
George: (smile) Yeah.
Donna: Anyway, I'm really sorry.
George: Sorry? Why sorry? What you got to be sorry about?
Donna: Well, she told me she and your father are getting divorced.
Elaine: Ay, divorced. That's really too bad...
Jerry: Yeah, you know it's a shame his parents didn't get divorced thirty years ago. He could have been normal.
George: Oh my God! (coming out of bathroom) You know what I just realized?! If they get divorced an' live in two separate places? That's twice as many visits!
Jerry: Gee, I never thought of that.
George: Imagine if I had to see them both on the same day? (mirthless) Haha! It's like runnin' a double marathon!
Elaine: Hey Georgie, did you have any idea that anything was wrong?
Jerry: Have you ever spent any time with these people...?
George: You know what this has to do with?
Elaine: What?
George: The man in the cape-I bet you he is mixed up in this! I don't trust men in capes.
Jerry: And you can't cast aspersions on someone just because they're wearin' a cape... Superman wore a cape... An' I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here an' let you say something bad about him.
George: All right Superman's the exception.
Kramer: Oh, hey! Elaine, I just heard that Noreen and Paul are breaking up. I want you to put in a good word for me. (to Jerry) I've always had a thing for Noreen.
Elaine: No, Kramer. You don't understand. This could be my fault.
Kramer: Well, if she's available now, I'm not gonna let her slip through my fingers this time. Nooope. (does a little dance)
Jerry: Well it looks like you've adjusted to the boxers...
Kramer: Wellll, I wouldn't go as far as that.
Jerry: You went back to the Jockeys?
Kramer: Wrong again.
Jerry: (pause as he realizes) Oh, no.
Elaine: What? What?...
Jerry: Don't you see what's goin' on here???... No boxers, no Jockeys...
Elaine: (backing away from Kramer) Eeaawww...
Jerry: The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine... Kramer, say it isn't so.
Kramer: Oh, it be so. I'm out there, Jerry, an' I'm lllovin' every minute of it!!!
Jerry: Don't you need a little... help?
Kramer: Surprisingly, no. I'm freee, I'm unfettered... (opens door to leave, still very happy, then) Feel like a naked innocent boy rrroamin' the countryside!! (exits)
Elaine: So you guys are tryin' to work it out! That's great!...
Noreen: Yeah, well... We're trying... But he just went insane there for a while...
Elaine: Oh, he went insane?...
Noreen: Believe it or not, Paul was convinced I was having an affair because somebody kept calling and hanging up whenever he answered! What kind of a sick person calls and hangs up over and over?
Elaine: (awkward, increasingly avoiding eye contact) Well. Uh. I don't know about sick. I mean, maybe it was somebody who, didn't wanna talk to whoever was answering because whoever was answering was always making boring chit-chat, an' was completely oblivious to the fact that the person who was calling, didn't want to speak to them, ah!
Noreen: (has been growing increasingly slackjawed in amazement) I can't believe that was you...
Elaine: (looks at Noreen) I'm really sorry, Noreen...
Noreen: (reconsidering Paul's worth) ...So you thought he was boring?
Elaine: Hey, Noreen, don't go by me! Ha ha.
Jerry: What are you doin' to this woman?! This is the second relationship you've ruined for her in a few weeks!!
Elaine: (head in arms) I know-
Jerry: First you ruin her relationship with the High Talker.
Elaine: Well... I got confused, they sound exactly the same.
Jerry: So she breaks up with him. Somehow picks up the pieces of her life. Miraculously meets... A New Guy! Ya bust that up! An' then, just as they're reconciling, you announce to the world He's Boring.
Elaine: (apologetically) I didn't know she'd take it so seriously.
Jerry: Well, apparently you have a tremendous influence over this woman anything you say she does!
Jerry: Yeah.
Donna: It's Donna Chang.
Jerry: (hits button) Come on up. (opens door a little)
Elaine: Well, I guess I just didn't realize it...
Jerry: Well, let's look back at your history with this woman. Okay?
Elaine: (like a little girl) Okay...
Jerry: First, you encouraged her to join the army... She did.
Elaine: She was lost...
Jerry: Then, you suggest she goes... AWOL! She did!
Elaine: Well, she didn't seem to be havin' so much fun...
Jerry: You know... You better make sure and never tell this woman to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge...
Elaine: If I have this much influence over her, why don't I just call her an' tell her to get back together with him-that's aalll!
Donna: Hi.
Jerry: Oh, Miss Changstein! This is Elaine...
(At The Same Time--Donna: Helllo...-ELAINE Hi! How are you?)
Donna: (to Jerry) Guess what? Mrs. Costanza called me, they're not getting divorced.
Elaine: (happy gasp) Oh.
Jerry: Why? What happened?
Donna: Well, she was trying to call George last night, she got me, we spoke for an hour and she changed her mind!!!
Jerry: Wow! That's amazing!
Donna: Anyway, she wants to meet me! She invited me over for dinner!
Elaine: (off camera) Huh.
Donna: She said you should come too.
Jerry: Tonight?
Donna: Yeah-I just remembered, I'm gonna have to cancel my acupuncture class. (goes to phone)
George: All right. (tearing his jacket off) Let me just say one thing there is no way that this is gonna happen. You hear me? No Way! Because if you think I'm going' to two Thanksgivings, you're out of your mind!!!
Estelle: (calmly) We're not getting divorced.
Frank: Your mother changed her mind... (tries to catch a fly with his hand)
George: (gleeful, to Estelle) You did?! That's Goood! That's very good! I'm very glad to hear that.
Frank: Yeah, we worked it out.
George: All right. So let me ask you a question. Who was the man in the cape?
Frank: He was my lawyer.
George: Your lawyer wears a cape...?
Frank: Yeah. So what?
George: Who wears a cape?
Frank: He's very independent; he doesn't follow the trends.
Estelle: He looks ridiculous in that thing...
Frank: (shouting) You have no eye for fashion!!!
Estelle: (shouting) I have no eye for fashion?!?!?!
George: All right! Come on! Let's not fight.
Frank And Estelle: All right! All right!
Estelle: Georgie's right. (pats him on the cheek)
George: (quietly) ehh. (pausing to look at both of them) So what made you change your mind?
Estelle: It was that Chinese woman.
Jerry: So I'm curious. What'd you tell Mrs. Costanza that changed her mind?
Donna: I mentioned a few bits of wisdom from Confucius.
Jerry: Confucius, huh?
Donna: Yeah.
Jerry: (pause) You know, you're not Chinese...
Jerry: Hey! I heard the good news!
Frank: Jerry, how come you didn't say hello to me the other day, huh?!
Jerry: Elaine was... in a rush.
Frank: (to George, pointing) I knew it was Elaine!!
Donna: You must be Estelle.
Estelle: (giggles) Yes. Who are you...?
Donna: I'm Donna Chang!
Estelle: (steps back, appalled) You're not Chinese!
Kramer: Y'ello?
Elaine: Paul?
Kramer: Elaine!
Elaine: Kramer?
Kramer: (pause) YEAHH!
Elaine: What are you doin' there?
Kramer: Wellll, isn't it obvious?
Elaine: (scoffs) Uh, is Noreen there?
Kramer: Yes she is...
Elaine: (pause) Well... Can I talk to her?
Kramer: Oh, what? Am I... tooo boring for you?
Elaine: (losing patience) Alright-would you just put her on?
Kramer: Well, I feel that it would be best that you didn't talk to Noreen for a while...
Elaine: YOU feel?
Kramer: That's right! She an' I have had a very long talk. An' I was appalled to learn of the destructive influence you've had over her life, lo these many years...
Elaine: What, are you insane?!
Kramer: From now on, I'll be calling the shots around here...
Elaine: Uh! Ho-ho. An' what are YOU gonna tell her?
Kramer: Well. I've encouraged her to go back into the Army...(Noreen sighs a little) There she'll get the structure an' the discipline she needs right now... And she'll have qualified officers telling her what to do...
Elaine: (sighs) Kramer! You have GOT to let me talk to her!
Kramer: Can't help ya, kid.
Elaine: Get the- (Kramer puts phone down)
Estelle: You're not Chinese!?!?
Donna: ...No.
Estelle: I thought you were Chinese!!
Donna: I'm from Long Island.
Estelle: Long Island?!?! I thought I was gettin' advice from a Chinese woman!!
Donna: I'm sorry...?
Estelle: Well... then... that changes everything!
George: What?!
Estelle: She's not Chinese; I was duped!!
George: So what?! She still gave you advice; what's the difference if she's not Chinese?!?!
Estelle: I'm not taking advice from some girl from Long Island!! (goes into another room)
George: (chases after her) Wait a minute! You're-now you're getting a divorce because she's from Long Island?!?!
Frank: (shouts after them) You want a divorce?!!? You got one!!!
Jerry: (pause, to Donna) You know, you might wanna think about changin' your name...
Elaine: So, ever since she started dating Kramer, she won't even talk to me!
Jerry: Well-Noreen listened to you like George's mother listened to the Chinese. (buys a newspaper out of a machine)
Elaine: (pause) You know, everybody listens to the Chinese. I mean, look at the fortune cookie. You couldn't get away with that in any other restaurant.
Elaine: (quietly) hu_uh, (pause) You know, everybody listens to the Chinese. I mean, look at the fortune cookie. You couldn't get away with that in any other restaurant.
Jerry: Yeah, no one's reading any rolled-up messages in a knish...
George: Oh, it had to happen!!
Jerry: Hey.
George: I knew it!! (shuts cab door) I predicted it! (hits cab roof twice, it drives off) Saw both of them today! What a disaster! I'm runnin' all over Queens. First I saw my mother. We had lunch together. Never had... LUNCH with my mother before-it's like a date! Then we drive down to Kew Gardens! Tons of traffic! I see my father. We played "Clue"! All day with this! [Kew Gardens (see links at end of script)]
Kramer: (triumphant) Hey, Jerry! Guess what! The Kramer name might live on! Noreen's late! She's laaate!! (give two thumbs up)
Noreen: (surprised) Who are you?!
Man: I'm Frank Costanza's lawyer. (He starts pulling her to safety)


Jerry: So, she got you to join a book club?
George: I got a feeling I'm gonna be much smarter than you pretty soon.
Jerry: Well, I think that statement alone reflects your burgeoning intelligence. (Sits on a couch.) Hey, what about this one?
George: Nah, I don't like that one.
Jerry: So, what's your first book?
George: "Breakfast At Tiffany's." 90 pages. (Waves a hand like it's nothing.)
Jerry: It's kinda old, isn't it?
George: They wanted to read a Truman Capote book.
Jerry (Standing): Oh, sure...Truman Capote.
George: He's a great writer.
Jerry: Oh, yeah.
George: Did you ever read anything by him?
Jerry: No. You?
George: Nah.
Jerry (Sees A White Couch By The Wall): Oh, what about this one? Look at this, this is it! This is what I'm looking for. (Sits on the couch.) Oh, yeah!
Elaine: Hey, what's going on?
Jerry: New couch, baby!
Elaine: New couch? Why?
Jerry: I love this couch. You know what the best part about it is? It doesn't fold out, so no one can sleep over.
Elaine (To Carl, Flirtatiously): Hello.
Carl: Hello.
Elaine: Oh, let me get the door for you. (They carry the couch out the door.) Ooh, be careful!
Jerry: Wait till you see it, it's perfect. The guy told me it's one of a kind, they stopped making it.
Elaine: What are you doing with your old couch?
Jerry: Nothing, the moving guys are taking it. Why, you want it?
Elaine: Yeah, I'll take it.
Jerry: Well, I'm sure that they can deliver it to your apartment.
Elaine: Yes, they can. (Kramer enters.)
Kramer: Hey! Couch is comin.'
Jerry: It's here!
Kramer: Alright! Yeah. You know, I'm excited about this, Jerry. In a way, I feel like I'm getting a new couch.
Jerry (Nonplussed): Yeah. So do I.
Kramer: Ooh! Remember Poppie?
Jerry: Oh, you mean from Poppie's Restaurant?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah. Anyway, uh...we're going into business together. Remember that idea I had a few years ago about the pizza place where you make your own pizza?
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: What was that again?
Kramer: It's a pizza place where you make your own pie! We give you the dough, the sauce, the cheese...you pound it, slap it, you flip it up into the air...you put your toppings on and you slide it into the oven! Sounds good, huh?
Elaine (In A Southern Accent): Ooh, I can't wait to get me a fella and make mah own pie!
Jerry: What made you resurrect that old idea?
Kramer: Well, I happened to be eating at Poppie's when I told him the "old" idea, and his eyes - waaaaaah! - just lit up. You know, he wants to back it.
Elaine: I heard Poppie's was good, let's go.
Jerry: I'm not goin' there. Didn't he get busted by the Board of Health?
Kramer: That was in the past, Jerry. As it happens, New York Magazine just judged his kitchen to be one of the cleanest in the city. They got a duck there, you think you died and went to heaven.
Elaine: Ooh! I love duck. C'mon, c'mon!
Kramer: Yeah, but you gotta order it two days in advance. (To Jerry) You know, I'm gonna call him, I'm gonna order the duck for you.
Jerry: Oh, Kramer, I -
Jerry: Right there, guys. That's perfect. Ah? Whatta ya think, Lainie?
Elaine: Well, I don't know. I'll have to sit on it.
Jerry: Oh no, I don't want anyone sitting on it.
Carl (Hands Jerry An Invoice): Sign here.
Elaine (To Carl): Excuse me, I was wondering if would it be possible if you could deliver the old couch to my apartment? It's not very far.
Carl: Sure.
Elaine: 'Kay. You, uh...you got room in the truck for me?
Carl: Yeah, I think we can squeeze you in.
Elaine: Oh, goody. Okay, well uh...(to Jerry and Kramer)...I'll see you chumps later. (Elaine and Carl exit.)
Kramer: Did you offer those guys a drink?
Jerry: Uh, no. Should I have?
Kramer: What kind of a person are you?
Jerry: I don't know.
George: Okay. "Breakfast At Tiffany's." (Begins to read, but gradually his attention is drawn to the TV Guide on the end table. George realizes there's a show on he wants to see by looking at his watch, and doesn't start the book.)
Elaine: So, he puts the couch down, and just as he's about to leave he says, "Do you date moving men?"
Jerry: Ah ha...
Elaine: You wanna know what I said?
Jerry: I can't wait.
Elaine: "I do now."
Jerry: Clever.
Elaine: Is that something?
Jerry: Yes.
Elaine: Is that something?
Jerry: You're something. So anyway, when they were in my house before, I didn't offer them anything to drink.
Elaine: Well, they're real men, Jerry. They get sweaty.
Jerry: So, anyone sweaty comes into your house has to be offered a drink?
Elaine: Yes.
Jerry: Well, would you apologize for me? (Elaine nods. Poppie comes out of the kitchen.)
Poppie: Hello! Jerry, so good to see you again! (Puts his hand out.)
Jerry (Clearly Creeped Out By Having To Shake Poppie'S Hand): Hello, Poppie. This is Elaine.
Elaine: Nice to meet you, Poppie.
Poppie: Let me show you to your table. (Leads Jerry and Elaine to the table.) Your duck is cooking as we speak. It is so succulent...so succulent!
Jerry: Well, Kramer told us all about your business venture together.
Poppie: Your friend and I are going to make a lot of money. Of course, I already have a lot of money. Poppie does very well...very well.
Elaine: Well, your mother must be very proud of you.
Poppie: My mother...was taken from my house by the Communists in the middle of the night when I was ten years old. She was sent to a slave labor camp, where she labored for twelve years. Finally, they released her and she was on a boat to America to re-unite with us...but she was served some bad fish, and she died...on the high seas.
Jerry: So, what's good tonight?
Elaine: Boy, I'm really looking forward to this duck. I've never had food ordered in advance before.
Jerry: Ah, I could've stayed home and ordered a pizza from Paccino's.
Elaine: Paccino's? Oh no. You should never order pizza from Paccino's.
Jerry: Why not?
Elaine: Because, the owner contributes a lot of money to those fanatical, anti-abortion groups.
Jerry: So, you won't eat the pizza?
Elaine: No way.
Jerry: Really.
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: Well, what if Poppie felt the same way?
Elaine: Well, I guess I wouldn't eat here, then.
Jerry: Really!
Elaine: Yeah. That's right.
Jerry: Well, perhaps we should inquire. Poppie! Oh, Poppie. Could I have a word? (Poppie comes over.)
Poppie: Yes, Jerry. I just checked your duck...it is more succulent than even I had hoped.
Jerry: Poppie, I was just curious...where do you stand on the abortion issue?
Poppie: When my mother was abducted by the Communists, she was with child...
Jerry: Oh, boy.
Poppie: ...but the Communists, they put an end to that! So, on this issue there is no debate! And no intelligent person can think differently.
Elaine (Offended): Well...Poppie. I think differently.
Poppie: And what gives you the right to do that?
Elaine (Standing Up): The Supreme Court gives me the right to do that! Let's go Jerry, c'mon.
Woman At Next Table (To Her Date): I heard that. Let's go, Henry.
Henry: But we just got here...
Woman At Another Table: I'm with you, Poppie!
Woman At Yet Another Table (To Her Date): Let's go!
Elaine (To Poppie): And I am not coming back!
Poppie: You're not welcome!
Jerry: Well, I'm certainly glad I brought it up. (Gets up and leaves.)
Jerry: Well, you should have seen it. It was quite a scene over there.
George: I'm sorry I missed it.
Jerry: Oh, you really missed something. And I have to say...it was pretty much all my fault. (Jerry smiles. George laughs.) So, how's the book coming? (George's laughs taper off...) I say, how's the book comin'?
George: Oh...pretty good.
Jerry: So, what's it about?
George: Well, it's about Holly Go-Lightly.
Jerry: Holly Go-Lightly.
George: Yeah, she's quite a character.
Jerry: Yes, you haven't read a page, have you?
George: No.
Jerry: Big surprise.
George: I couldn't. You know, if it's not about sports, I find it very hard to concentrate.
Jerry: You're not very bright, are you?
George: No, I'm not. I would like to be, but I'm not. What am I gonna do? The book club meets in a few days.
Jerry: Why don't you rent the movie?
George: 'Why don't I rent the movie.' See, this is when I like you. Alright, now I'm relieved. (Kramer enters and comes over to the booth.)
Kramer (Scanning A Menu): So...how was the dinner last night?
Jerry: Oh...well...
Kramer: Did you enjoy the duck? (Elaine comes back from the bathroom.) Oh, Elaine! I was just asking how dinner went last night.
Elaine (Sitting Down): Oh...well...
Kramer: Alright, what did you do to Poppie?
Elaine: Nothing.
Kramer: Well, he's in the hospital. And the cook says you put him there.
Elaine: What's wrong with him?
Kramer: I don't know! I'm gonna go and visit him later. (angrily) It would be nice if you got him something. (Punches the the table to accentuate this, and leaves.)
Jerry: We should get him something.
Elaine: Yeah. You're right.
Elaine: Do you know that I have been using the same bottle of shampoo for a year? And I shampoo every day. (Carl smiles.) So, what do you think of my conversation?
Carl: Not much! (They both laugh.) I, uh, would have invited you up, but I don't have any furniture.
Elaine: You don't have any furniture?
Carl: No, I hate furniture. I can't look at it. (They laugh again.)
Elaine: Well, I can understand that. Pretty good date, huh?
Carl: Yeah! No heavy lifting. (Elaine and Carl look into each others eyes, then kiss.)
Kramer: Anyway, Jerry and Elaine felt very badly about what happened to you, and they wanted you to have this.
Poppie (Opening The Gift Basket): What's this? A bottle of wine and a five-alarm chili? They're trying to kill Poppie?!
Kramer: Why, what...?
Poppie: Don't they know I have a gastro-intestinal disorder? If I would have any of this, I would die. Then Poppie's no good to anyone! This is a sick, sick joke on Poppie. How could you be friends with those two?
Kramer: Well, we're not very close.
Poppie: They owe me for those ducks. They were flown in from Newfoundland.
Kramer: Oh, they got good ducks there, huh?
Poppie: Oh, very good ducks.
Elaine: I'm in looove!
Jerry: Whoa!
Elaine: This is it, Jerry! This is it! He is such an incredible person! He's real, he's honest, he's unpretentious...oh, I'm really lucky!
Jerry: Did you tell him I was sorry I didn't offer him the drink?
Elaine: No, I forgot. And, the best part is, he doesn't play games. You know? There are no games! (Sits down on the couch.)
Jerry: No games? What is the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing?
Elaine (Putting On Lipstick): Well, all I know is, he doesn't like games and he doesn't play games, you know? He has too much character and integrity.
Jerry: Ah ha. And what is his stand on abortion?
Elaine (Looks At Jerry And Smears Lipstick Across Her Face): What?
Jerry: What is his stand...on abortion?
Elaine: Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.
Jerry: How do you know?
Elaine: Because he, well...he's just so good-looking.
Jerry: Well, you should probably ask, because if he's gonna be coming over with those Paccino's pizzas...could be trouble.
George: I'd like to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's.
Clerk (Checking The Computer): Uh, this is out. Someone has it.
George: Out? Oh no, I've been to four other places, you're the only ones that have had it.
Clerk: Well, I could put it on reserve for you, if you'd like.
George: Maybe we could call them and ask them to return it.
Clerk: Oh, sorry. We can't do that.
George: Well, maybe they're done with it. I could go pick it up.
Clerk: I don't think so. It doesn't work that way.
Voice On Intercom: Yes?
George: Uh, excuse me, are you Joe Temple?
Intercom: Yes.
George: Uh, yes, uh...you don't know me, my name is George Costanza...did you happen to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's?
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey, what's happenin.'
Kramer: Well, you know, Poppie's over at my place. Tonight's the big night. I'm gonna make the first test pizza at the restaurant.
Jerry: You got a regular 'Manhattan Project' going on over there.
Kramer: Yeah. Anyway, he's about to leave, he wants the duck money. (Poppie enters.)
Jerry: Okay. Hi, Poppie.
Poppie: Hello.
Jerry: I'm sorry about the gift, I didn't know about your condition.
Poppie: That's fine. If you just give me my duck money, I'll be on my way.
Jerry: Okay. I'll get it. (Goes into the bedroom.)
Kramer: Why don't you sit down, Poppie? You're still recuperating. (Poppie moves to the sofa and sits down, and exhales a loud sigh of relief.) What, are you tired, Poppie?
Poppie: No.
Kramer: Hey, Poppie...you really think people wanna make their own pizza?
Poppie: Kramer, did I ever tell you about my mother? My mother -
Jerry (Comes Out Of The Bedroom With Poppie'S Money): Here you go. (Poppie stands up and takes the money.) Anyway, I'm sorry again about the...(notices a large, wet stain on his couch)...the...the...
Poppie: The what? (Looks at Kramer, and exits.)
Jerry: ...the...the...
Kramer (To Poppie): So long. I'll see you tonight.
Jerry (Frantic): Kramer, Kramer, what is this?!
Kramer: What is what?
Jerry: This puddle on my sofa!
Kramer: What puddle?
Jerry (Points): That puddle! (Kramer sees the puddle and does a double-take.)
Kramer: I don't know.
Jerry (Looking At The Puddle With Kramer): Is it...? Could it...? Could he have...? IT IS! (Grabs Kramer.) Poppie peed on my sofa!!
Kramer: Are you sure?
Jerry: Well, what is it then?! My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!
Kramer: I'm sure it'll come out.
Jerry: I don't care if it comes out, I can't sit on that anymore!
Kramer: Ah, you're making too much of it.
Jerry (Sarcastic): Yeah, you're right. It's just a natural human function...happens to be on my sofa, instead of in the toilet, where it would normally be.
Kramer: Right!
George: Well, anyway, the book club meets tomorrow, Mr. Temple.
Joe: Well, I was going to watch it with my daughter. She likes Audrey Hepburn very much.
George: She was a delicate flower.
Joe: Why didn't you just read the book?
George: Well, as I say, the pink-eye made my vision...quite blurry... (Joe's daughter comes to the door.)
Joe: Remy, this is George. Would you mind if he watched Breakfast At Tiffany's with us? (George smiles at Remy. Remy looks at Joe doubtfully.)
Carl: Hi.
Elaine: Hi. (They kiss.)
Carl: I missed you.
Elaine: Oh, I missed you!
Carl: I don't remember the last time I felt this way.
Elaine: Me, either!
Carl: I think about you all the time.
Elaine: You do?
Carl: Do you think about me?
Elaine: Oh yeah, all the time, all the time...although, recently I've been thinking about this friend of mine.
Carl: What friend?
Elaine: Oh, just this woman...she got impregnated by her troglodytic half-brother, and decided to have an abortion. (Waits in suspense for what Carl's response will be.)
Carl: You know, someday...we're going to get enough people in the Supreme Court to change that law.
George: So, anything to uh, nosh?
Joe: What did you want?
George: Popcorn?
Remy: Popcorn? Where do you think you are?
George: Well, a lot of people keep popcorn in the house.
Remy: Well, we don't.
George: You might want to try it...makes the movie more enjoyable, that's all.
Joe (Passes George A Bowl): Here's some nuts.
George: Oh! Nuts! Excellent! You know what I love? How there's two nuts named after people. Hazel...and filbert.
Remy (To Joe): Can we watch the movie now, Daddy? (Joe presses play on the remote.)
George: Hey, let's turn off the lights, get some real 'movie atmosphere.'
Joe: The lights are fine. (George shrugs, and the movie begins.)
Kramer (In A Chef'S Hat And Apron): See, anybody can do this. (Tosses pizza dough into the air.)
Poppie: Use your wrist! It's all in the wrist. (Kramer tosses the dough way up there.) Not too high!
Kramer (Puts The Dough On The Counter): Alright, put a little sauce on here... (speaks some unintelligible words in an Italian accent while spreading the sauce around.) Some cheese...
Poppie: Not too much!
Kramer: And...cucumbers! (Grabs a large handful and puts them on the pizza.)
Poppie: Wait a second...what is that?
Kramer: It's cucumbers.
Poppie: No, no. You can't put cucumbers on a pizza.
Kramer: Well, why not? I like cucumbers.
Poppie: That's not a pizza. It'll taste terrible.
Kramer: But that's the idea, you make your own pie.
Poppie: Yes, but we cannot give the people the right to choose any topping they want! Now on this issue there can be no debate!
Kramer: What gives you the right to tell me how I would make my pie?
Poppie: Because it's a pizza!
Kramer: It's not a pizza until it comes out of the oven!
Poppie: It's a pizza the moment you put your fists in the dough!
Kramer: No, it isn't!
Poppie: Yes, it is!
Joe'S Wife: I'm home.
Joe: Hey, honey.
Remy: Hi, Mom.
Joe'S Wife: Hi, baby. (To George.) Hello. Breakfast At Tiffany's?
Joe: Yeah.
Joe'S Wife: Well, I just came back from Angela's, it's not looking very good for Duncan.
Joe: Aw, that's too bad.
Joe'S Wife: Yeah, the doctor thinks it's just a matter of time -
George (Clears His Throat, Annoyed That The Movie'S Being Interrupted): Joe...could you...
Joe'S Wife: Poor guy, I hate to see him suffer like this...
George: You know, I'm sorry, I...I hate to be one of those people, but we're right in the middle of this thing...I can't hear.
Joe'S Wife: Who are you?
Joe: This is George Costanza.
George (Irritated): This is very hard to follow with all the talking.
Joe: I'll pause it, okay? (Pauses the tape with the remote.)
George: Any more grape juice? (Gets up and goes to the kitchen. Remy moves to the end of the couch where George was sitting.)
Joe'S Wife: Who is this guy?
Remy: He's in some book club.
Joe'S Wife: And what's he doing here?
Remy: Cheating on his test. (George returns from the kitchen with a glass of grape juice.)
George: So, we watching the movie, or are we still talking? (Joe's wife shakes her head and goes into the other room. George gestures to Remy to move.) Okay, c'mon. Let's go.
Remy: What?
George: C'mon, you took my seat.
Remy: It's not your seat.
George: I was sitting there, c'mon.
Remy: You didn't save it.
George: I had the arm! Joe...
Joe: What's the difference?
George: Well, I was very comfortable! I've got my nuts here...
Remy: It's my couch.
George: Alright, c'mon, scooch over. (Tries to squeeze into the corner seat of the couch and struggles with Remy. He spills his glass of grape juice all over the couch in the process.)
Remy: Look! Look what you did! You got grape juice all over our couch, you've ruined our couch! (Joe slowly walks toward George with his hands on his hips.)
George: Joe...
Elaine: Oh my god.
Jerry: You see?!
Elaine: So, you're gonna get a new couch?
Jerry: Well, I guess I have no choice.
Elaine: Do you want your old couch back?
Jerry: I was hoping you'd offer. (The intercom buzzes, Jerry answers it.) Yeah?
Intercom: It's the movers.
Jerry: 'Kay. (Buzzes them in.)
Elaine: Who's that?
Jerry: Your boyfriend, he's taking it out.
Elaine: No, no, he's not my boyfriend.
Jerry: Why?
Elaine: Take a guess.
Jerry: Oh, really. (Carl and another moving guy come in and pick up the couch.)
Elaine: Hi.
Carl: Hi.
Jerry: Hey Carl, I also need you to go to Elaine's and bring my old couch back.
Carl: Today?
Jerry: Could you?
Carl: Sure.
Elaine (To Jerry): What are you doing with this couch?
Jerry: George is taking it.
Elaine: Did you tell him it was peed on?
Jerry: He said he doesn't care, he'll just turn the cushion over.
Carl: I'm sorry you feel that way, Elaine.
Elaine: Yeah, me too.
Carl: It's just too bad.
Elaine: Yeah. It is.
Carl: Well, I better get this couch back to Jerry's.
Elaine: Can I offer you anything to drink?
Carl (Off-Camera): Yeah, sure.
Elaine (Looking In The Fridge): All I've got is grape juice.
Carl: Throw it!
Carl: The couch!
Marie (Describing Holly Go-Lightly In "Breakfast At Tiffany'S"): She didn't want the constraints of any relationship, that's why she got rid of the cat. The most important thing in Holly's life was her independence.
George: Well, not really. After all, she did get together with George Peppard. I mean, Fred.
Marie: George...Fred's gay.


Jerry: I've never been able to figure out why they make these bizarre toilet seats that they have. You know, like those clear Lucite ones, with all the, the coins in it? It's a lovely tribute to our past president, by the way. It's not bad enough Lincoln got shot in the head, we gotta pull down our pants and sit on him, too. It's just incomprehensible that you would buy a thing like this, you install it on your toilet seat, and this says what about you? "Well, I can't afford to just throw money down the toilet, but look how close I am!"
Jerry: I cannot believe Lindsay's still seeing you after that "Breakfast at Tiffany's" thing.
George: I think she finds my stupidity charming.
Jerry: As we all do.
George: Yeah, anyway, she's uh, having some kind of a family lunch, I'll swing by after.
Jerry: Oh, so you're gonna meet the mother?
George: Yeah, I'll zip in, "How do you do?", zip out. She'll love me.
Jerry: You're good with the mothers.
George: Y'know, I'm better with the mothers than I am with the daughters.
Jerry: Maybe you should date the mothers.
George: Well, if I could talk to the mothers and have sex with the daughters, then I'd really have something goin'.
Jerry: Oh, you got something goin'.
George: Yeah.
Kramer: (enters apartment) Hey.
George: Hey! (heads toward bathroom)
Kramer: Hey, you got a hammer?
Jerry: What do you need a hammer for?
Kramer: Well, I got this new poster. 3-D art? Computers generate 'em.
Jerry: Oh, yeah! I wanna see that. Bring it over.
Kramer: No, no, I don't have it now. I gotta pick it up at Mr. Pitt's. Elaine was framing a bunch of stuff for him, so she did me a favor. What, you wanna take a ride?
Jerry: Nah, I don't think so.
Kramer: (shouting to the bathroom door) George, you wanna go for a ride?
George: (inside bathroom) Nah.
Kramer: Oh, COME ON!
Jerry: Hey, could you wait until the man finishes?
Kramer: All right, I've had it with you two. (opens apartment door to leave)
Jerry: Hey, guess what? Remember that woman you saw me with the other day? You know, she used to be an Olympic gymnast?
Kramer: A gymnast!
Jerry: Yeah, she's Romanian, she won a silver at the '84 Olympics.
Kramer: A gymnast, Jerry. Think of the flexibility. Mmm, that sex'll melt your face.
Jerry: Yeah, well, I think I'm bailing.
Kramer: (shuts door) "Bailing"?
Jerry: Yeah, you know, Kramer, there's always a price to pay for just a sexual dalliance.
Kramer: Jerry, you should pay that price.
Jerry: She's Romanian. What am I gonna talk to her about, Ceausescu?
Kramer: Ch- oo-... what?
George: (emerging from bathroom, buttoning his shirt) A gymnast! I can't believe it, you didn't tell me she was a gymnast.
Jerry: (watching George buttoning his shirt) What is this?
George: What, I'm puttin' my shirt back on.
Jerry: (stares at George, incredulous) "Back on"? What was it doing off?
George: I take it off when I go to the, uh, y'know, to the "office".
Jerry: (laughing) What for?
George: Well, it frees me up. No encumbrances.
Jerry: Unbuttoned, or all the way off?
George: ALL the way, baby!
Jerry: Of course.
Kramer: (convulses in pain) Yeow! Whoa.
Jerry: What, again? Kramer, if you keep getting these attacks, you should see the doctor and have it checked out.
Kramer: (exiting apartment) Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Jerry: (picks up newspaper, turns to George) You always take the shirt off?
George: Always.
Jerry: Boy, I tell ya', knowing you is like going out in the jungle. I never know what I'm going to find next, and I'm real scared.
Mr. Pitt: Elaine, I need you to proofread this report for my meeting with the Poland Creek Bottled Water people.
Elaine: What meeting?
Mr. Pitt: I told you. I sit on the Board of Trustees for Morgan Springs, and we're trying to acquire Poland Creek.
Elaine: Oh! (tries to take paper)
Mr. Pitt: (pulls away) Are you using a fountain pen?
Elaine: Yes?
Mr. Pitt: They smear! Under no circumstances is ink to be used in this office.
Elaine: All right! I'll use a pencil, Mr. Pitt.
Kramer: Elaine?
Elaine: Come in, come in!
Kramer: Yeah. (enters, points at package) Yah, huh?
Elaine: Ah, right there, yeah.
Kramer: (rips open package) Yeah, that's...
Elaine: Kramer, it's...
Kramer: (holds up framed picture) There she blows! (throws paper around)
Elaine: Kramer, Kramer, can you do this at home? I've got, I've got work to do, okay?
Kramer: Oh, these are nice corners, huh?
Mr. Pitt: Elaine, did I hear... (sees Kramer) Oh, this is very odd.
Kramer: (looking at picture) Yeah, it's 3-D art. Computers generate 'em. BIG computers.
Mr. Pitt: Yes, I've heard about these. How do they work?
Kramer: Well, you blur your eyes like you're starin' straight through the picture. And you keep your eyes unfocused. And then... (Kramer and Pitt stare at picture) Oh, oh, oh, YEAH!
Mr. Pitt: I don't see it.
Kramer: Yeah, it's a spaceship, surrounded by planets, asteroids...
Mr. Pitt: I still don't see it.
Elaine: Okay, Kramer, that's enough. Mr. Pitt has got work to do.
Kramer: Ya' ever dream in 3-D? It's like the boogeyman is comin' right at you.
Mr. Pitt: A spaceship, where?
Kramer: (pointing) Right in here. Just keep your eyes unfocused. (convulses in pain) Waahh! Oh, mama!
Elaine: Kramer, what's wrong?
Kramer: Mama!
Elaine: Kramer, Kramer, are you okay?
Kramer: I think I gotta go to the doctor! (exits) Oh, mama!
Mr. Pitt: (still staring at picture) How long does it usually take?
Mrs. Enright: Oh, George, it is so nice to finally meet you. And I'm sorry we've kept Lindsay so long.
Lindsay: Mother...
George: Oh, no, no, not at all. No, I have always felt that the most important thing in the world is spending time with family.
Mrs. Enright: Oh? Are you and your family close?
George: (hesitates) Very close, yes. Almost painfully close.
Lindsay: Mother, I'm going to walk Nana and Aunt Phyllis to the elevator. George, do you mind waiting just one more minute?
George: Mind? Why would I mind? I would love to wait! (shakes hands with Nana) Nana, nice to see you. Ni-ni-ni-ni-NANA! (embraces another guest, kisses her) Aunt Phyllis, always a pleasure. What a pleasure! Hey, let's do this again real soon. I had fun, huh?
Mrs. Enright: Can I offer you anything to eat?
George: Oh, no no no, I'm fine. Let me help you with these dishes, huh?
Mrs. Enright: Oh no, George, you don't have to...
George: No, I know I don't have to, I want to.
Mrs. Enright: George, you are such a gentleman.
George: I'd argue if I could, Mrs. Enright. (exits) Here we go, all right.
Mrs. Enright: (wide-eyed) Oh...
George: (spits out mouthful of food) Mrs. Enright! Mrs. Enright!
Elaine: (pointing at 3-D picture) Look, there's a spaceship! That is so cool!
Mr. Pitt: Where is it?
Elaine: (pointing) Right here.
Mr. Pitt: I'm looking there!
Elaine: No, no, unfocus.
Mr. Pitt: I am unfocused!
Elaine: (answering phone) Hello? Oh, yeah, okay fine. Uh, he'll be right down. (to Pitt) Car's here to pick you up and take you to the meeting.
Mr. Pitt: (still staring at picture) Meeting?
Elaine: Yeah, the Poland Creek merger?
Mr. Pitt: Why don't you go for me?
Elaine: How can I go?
Mr. Pitt: Oh, all they're gonna do is read the report.
Elaine: Mr. Pitt, I do not think that is such a good idea.
Mr. Pitt: Oh, DAMN this thing!
Jerry: (trying desperately to make conversation) So, Ceausescu. He must've been some dictator.
Katya: Oh yes. He was not shy about dictating.
Jerry: He, uh, he must've been dictating first thing in the morning. "I want a cup of coffee and a muffin!"
Katya: And you could not refuse.
Jerry: No, you'd have to be crazy.
Katya: He was a very bad dictator.
Jerry: Yes. Very bad. Very, very bad.
Jerry: So lemme get this straight you find yourself in the kitchen. You see an clair, in the receptacle. And you think to yourself, "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."
George: No, no. No, no, no. It was not trash!
Jerry: Was it in the trash?
George: Yes.
Jerry: Then it was trash.
George: It wasn't down in, it was sort of on top.
Jerry: But it was in the cylinder!
George: Above the rim.
Jerry: Adjacent to refuse, is refuse.
George: It was on a magazine! And it still had the doily on.
Jerry: Was it eaten?
George: One little bite.
Jerry: Well, that's garbage.
George: But I know who took the bite. It was her aunt!
Jerry: Well, you, my friend, have crossed the line that divides Man and Bum. You are now a Bum.
Jerry: Hey!
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: What's with you?
Kramer: I got a stone.
Jerry: What stone?
Kramer: A kidney stone.
Jerry: What is that, anyway?
Kramer: It's a, it's a stony mineral concretion, formed abnormally in the kidney. And this jagged shard of calcium pushes its way through the ureter into the bladder. It's forced out through the urine!
Jerry: Oh, that's gotta hurt.
Aronson: Our shareholders have given basic approval for the merger, including the stock swap.
Elaine: Ah. The "stock swap". Let's swap some stock. (giggles)
Beck: And if you'll just give this to Mr. Pitt, and tell him we expect to be in full-scale production by the spring.
Elaine: All right. (standing up) Hey, you guys-what's the name of the new company gonna be?
Beck: Moland Spring.
Elaine: (making a face) "Moland"?
Aronson: Yes, we combined Morgan and Poland.
Elaine: Yeah, I know, but... "Moland"? I wouldn't drink anything called "Moland".
Aronson: But it was Mr. Pitt's idea.
Elaine: Oh! Well, ah, what's in a name? I mean, water's water. Right?
Aronson: (to Beck) We've got to do something about that name.
George: (on phone, as Jerry gestures beside him) No, Lindsay, it was not IN the garbage. It was above the garbage. Hovering. Like an angel. Of course I know your aunt bit it. I kissed her goodbye. Listen, can I tell you something else? In my family, we used to eat out of the garbage all the time. (Jerry makes a face) It was no big thing. That's right. Oh, okay. Buh-bye. (hangs up phone) I'm back in, she gave me a second chance.
Jerry: Good for you.
George: Yes, good for me!
Jerry: Y'know what you should do now? Get her some flowers, smooth it out.
George: Yes, flowers. I will get her flowers, I will go to the florist!
Kramer: (enters apartment, holding up videotape) Behold! The Games of the '84 Olympiad! Katya's silver medal performance! (inserts tape into VCR, sets up TV)
Jerry: Kramer, are you still on this? I've seen gymnasts. I know what they do. It's not going to make any difference.
Kramer: Jerry, what is your problem?
Jerry: Kramer, y'know, guys like you, with no conscience, don't know what it's like for guys like me. I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider people's feelings.
Kramer: All right, Jerry-are you familiar with the Kama Sutra?
Jerry: No.
Kramer: Tantric yoga?
Jerry: No.
Kramer: Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of!
Jerry: Boy, you can really talk some trash. (to George) I guess that's better than eating it.
Kramer: All right, all right, why don't we just watch the tape? (starts playback)
Jerry: All right.
George: Did you pass your stone yet?
Kramer: Not yet. But the suspense is killing me.
Jerry: (pointing at TV) Hey, that's her!
Kramer: Oh yeah. Oh yeah, that's her. (feminine grunts and sighs can be heard as they watch the tape) Look at the height, Jerry, the extension! Now watch the tuck. Handstand, half-turn, giant into a straddle, back into another handstand. Nice kip. Reverse hecht. Oh, nice leg extension, good form! Now, here comes the big dismount. Look at the rotation, full in, double back, and she sticks the landing! (gets up to leave as George and Jerry continue to watch, mouths agape) Perhaps you'd like to keep the tape? (silence) Well, I'll take that as a yes.
Jerry: (smiling and excited) Well, here we are.
Katya: Yes. We are here.
Jerry: How did you stay on that beam like that? (holds up hand) I mean, it's only this wide!
Katya: I can balance myself in any position.
Katya: It is amazing after years of training how one can contort one's body. Of course, it is only useful in gymnastics.
Jerry: Oh boy...
Jerry: I couldn't believe it. Uh, I mean I thought I was entering a "magical world" of sensual delights, but it was just so ordinary. I mean, there was nothing gymnastic about it.
Elaine: Well, what did you think she was gonna do?
Jerry: Well, you know. I mean... I dunno.
Elaine: No, what?
Jerry: Well, obviously I prefer not to mention any, you know...
Elaine: What did you think, she was going to take some of that chalk and...
Jerry: You see, now I really don't want to get into this, any kind of specifics...
Elaine: Oh, come on. One thing? One thing! What?
Jerry: Well... Frankly, I thought, you know, I was gonna kinda' be like the apparatus.
Kramer: You mean like the uneven parallel bars?
Jerry: See, again, I really don't feel that...
Elaine: The balance beam?
Jerry: Could we stop?
Elaine: (gasps in mock surprise) Not the pommel horse?
Jerry: All right. Let's just drop it.
Jerry: So lemme ask you this how long would you say I have to put in now because of, you know, last night.
Elaine: I dunno, at least three weeks.
Jerry: (sarcastic) Oh, great.
Elaine: Jerry, that is such small potatoes. I think that I may have single-handedly put the kibosh on the big water merger.
Jerry: Between Poland and Morgan?
Elaine: Yeah. Started a big name controversy.
Jerry: Kramer! The stone!
Jerry: What happened, did you pass the stone?
Kramer: (Off-screen) No, I tried to do a reverse hecht off my couch and I didn't make it.
George: (singing as he exits florist with bouquet and a cup of coffee) "...tootsie, good-bye. Too-too, tootsie..." (takes a drink, makes a face, shouts back at shop) You call this coffee? (dumps out coffee behind him, accidentally hitting a parked car's windshield)
Man In Car: Hey! What the hell was that?!
George: I'm sorry! I'm terribly sorry! I- I-
Man In Car: Clean that up!
George: Oh, sure. Of course. (looks for place to set down flowers) Um, uh, could you hold these? For just a second, just a second. (grabs newspapers from trash bin, begins wiping windshield) Here you go, now don't worry about a thing. It's gonna be fine. Here we go. Look at this shine.
Mrs. Enright: (sees George cleaning car windshield, looks appalled)
George: Look at this sparkle. (looks up, sees Lindsay's mother) Mrs. Enright! (runs after her) Mrs. Enright! Mrs. Enright!
George: (on phone, as Jerry gestures beside him) No, Lindsay, I had accidentally spilled coffee on the gentleman's windshield. Why would I do that? I have a job! Well, did she see a squeegee? Well, you're not going to make a dime without a squeegee. That's right, that's right, just tell your mother it was all a big misunderstanding. You won't regret it. Okay, I'll see you later. Buh-bye. (hangs up)
Jerry: Strike two!
George: You think I'm going down?
Jerry: You're behind in the count.
George: I know.
Kramer: (enters apartment, points at Jerry) Hey, what are you doing later?
Jerry: I'm going out with Katya, thanks to you.
Kramer: Well, maybe you should try again. You know what happens the first time people are a little shy, a little reticent.
Jerry: If I do it again, that extends my payment book another two weeks.
Kramer: All right, where you going?
Jerry: We're going to the circus. One of her old Olympic teammates is an acrobat. I don't even feel like going out.
Kramer: Well, Jerry, it's your obligation. C'mon.
Jerry: Yeah, well, y'know what? If I gotta go, and spend time with this girl, then you're coming with me, Dr. Cyclops!
Kramer: No, no, no, I don't wanna go to the circus, Jerry.
Jerry: Yeah, well you're going.
Kramer: Yeah, but I'm afraid of clowns!
Mr. Pitt: (in polo outfit, complete with jacket and high boots) I didn't send you over there to complain about the name.
Elaine: Well, I couldn't help it. "Moland Spring"?
Mr. Pitt: I like the name "Moland". I picked it out. After all those months of negotiating!
Elaine: Well, I'm so sorry! I-
Mr. Pitt: Well, I'm going riding. I haven't been on Jenny for three days, all because of this blasted painting. (phone rings) Elaine?
Elaine: Oh, sorry. (picks up phone) Hello?
Mr. Pitt: (walks by 3-D poster, stops) Wait a minute! Wait a minute. Ah!
Katya: So, Jerry, you're enjoying the circus?
Jerry: "Greatest Show on Earth"!
Katya: My father used to take me to the circus. When the elephants came by, he would scream curses at them, blaming them for all the ills of society.
Jerry: Well, they certainly take up a lot of space.
Katya: Ah, Misha!
Misha: Katya!
Katya: Misha, this is Jerry.
Misha: Ah, yes. The "co-me-dian", eh? (speaks in Romanian to Katya)
Katya: (laughs, replies in Romanian while pointing at Jerry)
Elaine: (on phone) Oh, yes, yes I'll tell him. Yes, thank you. Um, um hold on. (to Pitt) Mr. Pitt!
Mr. Pitt: (staring at 3-D poster) I think I'm on to something!
Elaine: Mr. Pitt! The board of directors is on the phone. They've called an emergency meeting. They want you to be there to discuss the merger!
Mr. Pitt: You said keep your eyes out of focus, which is misleading. You want DEEP focus!
Elaine: (on phone) Yes, hi. Okay, fine, yeah, hold on just a second. Lemme just... (reaches into purse) Yeah, I've got it... (pulls out both hands completely covered in black ink) Oh! Oh! Yeah, yeah, he'll be there. (drops phone, rushes to Pitt) Mr. Pitt, you have GOT to stop staring at that poster!
Mr. Pitt: I see something that could be a spaceship. Is it round? Is it pointy?
Elaine: (grabs poster, smashes it) No, you don't see it, and you're never going to see it! (grabs Pitt by the lapels, getting ink all over his jacket) Mr. Pitt, you have to meet with the shareholders, you have to leave now. Do you hear me? Do you hear me?!
Mr. Pitt: Hmm, what's happened to me? (straightens lapels) When's the meeting?
Elaine: In about twenty minutes.
Mr. Pitt: Oh! (puts finger to face, smearing ink on his upper lip which now resembles an "Adolph Hitler"-style moustache) Do I have time to change?
Elaine: Um, no.
Mr. Pitt: Well, excuse me, I'd better get straight over there.
Elaine: Uh, Mr. Pitt...
Mr. Pitt: Yes?
Elaine: Um, there's a just... (points at her own upper lip)
Mr. Pitt: (sees Elaine's hands covered in ink) Is that ink?
Elaine: No?
George: Well, here we are.
Lindsay: Do you want to come in? My mother's having a little party.
George: Maybe I could just use the bathroom.
Lindsay: Sure.
Announcer: (voiceover) Ladies and gentlemen, could I direct your attention to the center ring, where the incomparable Misha will balance ten stories above the circus floor on a wire no wider than a human thumb.
Misha: It is time.
Jerry: Well, break a leg.
Jerry: Eh, show biz...
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparable Misha!
Jerry: Boy, those capes are really coming back.
Party Guest: (exits bathroom, finds George waiting) Oh, sorry I took so long. They've got one of those 3-D art posters in there. (wipes eyes) It's mesmerizing.
Jerry: What is that sound?
Katya: (covering ears) It is horrible!
George: Whew! Anybody see that poster in there? That is weird, wild stuff, huh? Whew!
Mr. Pitt: I have been accused of wrong-doing. But these false accusations will not deter us. We WILL annex Poland by the Spring, at any cost! AND... our stock will rise HIGH! (raises hand)
Katya: He'll be all right. I must go and be with Misha now. I don't want you to come with me.
Jerry: Oh, why not?
Katya: It has been three days since our night together. Misha said that was all the time I needed to put in.
Jerry: Really?
Katya: In my country, they speak of a man so virile, so potent, that to spend a night with such a man is to enter a world of such sensual delights most women dare not dream of. This man is known as the "Comedian". You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no Comedian. (walks off)