Doorman: Whoah, whoah, whoah. (rises and turns to Jerry) May I help you?
Jerry: (indicates with his thumb) Yeah, I'm just going up to see Elaine Benes.
Doorman: (unfriendly smile) Benes? (moves toward Jerry) No-one here by that name.
Jerry: Oh, she's uh, she's house-sitting for Mr. Pitt.
Doorman: Oh. House-sitting, mmm.
Jerry: Yeah.
Doorman: What're you, the boyfriend? Here for a... quickie?
Jerry: Can I just go up?
Doorman: Oh, I get it. Why waste time making small talk with the doorman? I should just shut up and do my job, opening the door for you.
Jerry: How 'bout those Knicks?
Doorman: Oh, I see. On the sports page...
Jerry: Yeah.
Doorman: ...What makes you think I wasn't reading the Wall Street page? Oh, I know, because I'm the uneducated doorman.
Kramer: So, you think your parents'll get back together?
George: I hope so. I can't take him living with me much longer. He makes this kasha, it stinks up the whole house.
Kramer: Hey, George, stick 'em up.
George: What?
Kramer: For these German tourists. Pretend that I'm robbing you.
George: Why?
Kramer: So these people can go back home and tell their friends they saw a real New York mugging. It'll give them a thrill.
Kramer: Awright, hands up, porky!
Kramer: That's it. Now, gimme your wallet. Got it in here, huh, fat boy!
Kramer: (aggressive) Is that all you got?! Hah? Is that all you got?!
George: Alright, that's enough.
Kramer: I'll tell you when it's enough! (he releases George) Alright, now you better not say anything, or I'll stalk you!
Elaine: Where've you been? We're gonna miss the movie, let's go.
Jerry: I am not going back down there. I can't face that guy again.
Elaine: What guy?
Jerry: The doorman. I don't wanna play anymore of his mindgames. What time does he get off?
Elaine: Six. But then the night doorman comes on. He's much scarier. (scary noise) Whugh! (laughs) Ha-ha.
Jerry: Well, it's almost six now. Can't we just wait til he goes home?
Elaine: (unhappy) I...
Jerry: We'll still make the movie.
Elaine: (accepting) Okay, okay.
George: What'd you do today, dad?
Frank: Today, I went record shopping in Greenwich Village. I bought this record, but I can't seem to find the hi-fi.
George: I don't have a hi-fi.
Frank: Didn't I give you my old record player?
George: (leaving to the bedroom) I gave it to Cosmo.
Frank: Cosmo? Who's Cosmo?
Kramer: I'm Cosmo.
Frank: Well, I want it back. I wanna listen to that cha-cha record.
Kramer: (little dance) One-two, cha-cha-cha.
George: (coming back in) Alright, alright. Can we go out and eat?
Frank: (putting down the bowl) Lemme change my shirt.
Elaine: Jerry, it's six. (claps her hands) Let's go.
Jerry: Uh, that doorman's still milling around outside. He's very peculiar.
Elaine: No, don't...
Jerry: (picks up phone) Hello? (listens) Oh, hi Mr. Pitt.
Elaine: (quietly) Give that to me.
Elaine: (taking the phone) Hello Mr. Pitt. How's Scotland?
Mr. Pitt: (concerned) Elaine, are you having a party?
Elaine: A party. Oh no, that was just my stupid friend Jerry.
Jerry: Alright, he just left. We can go.
Mr. Pitt: (stern) Because there's to be no entertaining while I'm gone.
Elaine: Believe me, we're not entertained. We were just leaving. (to Jerry) Oh, can you grab those empty bottles for me.
Mr. Pitt: I need to know what's in the mail.
Elaine: Oh, well, Mr. Pitt, there's really nothing that can't wait. We're trying to catch a movie.
Mr. Pitt: (resolute) Well, you better catch the later show, because I need to know what's in the mail.
Elaine: Alright. (to Jerry, upset) I can't go.
Elaine: ...Uhm, the new Time magazine. The new People...
Mr. Pitt (O.C.): (piqued interest) Oh, who's on the cover?
Doorman: Hey, buddy.
Jerry: (surprise) You? Wh...what're you doing here? You work at this building too?
Doorman: Ah, sure. Poor doorman has to work two jobs to put food on the table for mother and baby. (supercilious) No, I live here. That's okay, isn't it?
Jerry: So you work all day as a doorman at one building. Then you come home and stand outside your own building?
Doorman: You got a problem with that?
Jerry: Look, I'm not going in your building. I really don't have to talk to you. Goodbye.
Doorman: (calling after Jerry) You really think you're better than me, don't you?!
George: My father opened his shirt...
Jerry: Yeah, and?
George: (nods to Kramer) Tell him, Kramer.
Kramer: (matter of fact) He had breasts.
Jerry: What d'you mean, breasts?
George: (waves his hands) Big breasts!
Jerry: So what? A lot of older men have that.
Kramer: No, not these. These were real hooters.
George: I was throwing up all night. It was like my own personal Crying Game.
Kramer: Well, maybe you're gonna get 'em too, George.
George: (worried) Yeah, that's right. What if it's a genetic thing, like father like son?
Jerry: But, your father's not bald.
George: No, no no. That skips a generation. The baldness gene comes from your grandfather.
Jerry: Then I suppose the bosom gene comes from your grandmother.
Kramer: You know, Frank can't be too comfortable with those things clanging around. He should wear something for support.
George: You mean like a bra?
Kramer: A bra is for ladies. I'm talking about a support undergarment specifically designed for men.
Jerry: Boy, that brain never stops working, does it?
Kramer: I tell you, I'm gonna go noodle with this.
Buxom Woman: (indicating her shirt with her finger) Hey, we're twins.
George: (thinking she means the breasts) What!!
Buxom Woman: Our shirts. They're the same.
George: Oh, Huh, imagine that.
Elaine: (to Jerry) What? What'd you say to the doorman?
Jerry: What? Nothing.
Elaine: (sitting beside Jerry) He claims that you followed him home, and started harassing him.
Jerry: What has this guy got a personal vendetta with me?! What'd I do to him? 'Cos I asked him about the Knicks?
Elaine: Hey, did you make the movie?
Jerry: No.
Elaine: You wanna go tonight? You can pick me up.
Jerry: Alright. Can we go to a later show, so he's off his shift when I come by?
Elaine: Ugh. So now we have to rearrange our lives to avoid the doorman?
Jerry: Yes, we do.
Elaine: What is wrong with George?
Jerry: He's... trying to get something off his chest.
George: (agitated) Alright, I gotta try and talk my mother into taking him off my hands.
Doorman: Help you?
Jerry: (jumps in surprise) Hoh! What're you doing here? You're supposed to be gone.
Doorman: I traded shifts with the night doorman. He had some personal affairs to attend to. You see, my fellow doorman and I watch out for each other. We don't stab each other in the back, like people in your world.
Jerry: (trying to ease the tension) Look, I don't want any trouble. I don't have a doorman in my building. I guess I'm just not used to talking to them. I'd really just like to be friends.
Doorman: You wanna be friends?
Jerry: I'd like to be.
Doorman: Then watch the door for a minute, would you?
Jerry: What?
Doorman: Yeah, I just wanna run and get a beer. I'll be back in a minute.
Jerry: Wha...? Wai... wait a second. What do I do?
Doorman: It's not brain surgery. You open the door for people who live here. And, if they don't live here, don't let them in. (takes off his hat) Here. (putting it on Jerry's head) Wear that.
Jerry: Oh.
Jerry: (to the man in the elevator) Hey, hey. Wait a second. Hey! Hello!
Jerry: Hey, hey, wait a second. You live here?
Mr. Green: (indignant) Of course I live here. I've lived here for twenty years. Now, if you don't let me in, I'm going to call the police and have you arrested.
Jerry: (after the guy) You think you're better than me?
Delivery Guy: (indicating) You have to sign for it.
Jerry: Oh, right.
Delivery Guy: (with a smile) Hey, how 'bout those Knicks, huh?
Jerry: (dismissive) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kramer: Hey. I uh, brought back your record player, huh.
Frank: Thank you, Kramer.
Kramer: Yeah.
Frank: (indicating a chair) Put it over there.
Kramer: So, how you feeling?
Frank: Tired.
Kramer: Uh huh. Your back hurt?
Frank: How did you know?
Kramer: Well, it's obvious, you know. You're carrying a lot of extra baggage up there.
Frank: (looks down, and indicates his chest) Up here?
Kramer: Oh, yeah. Top floor. (sits beside Frank) Listen, Frank, have you ever considered wearing something for support? Now, look at this. (reaches into his pocket) Mind you, this is just a prototype.
Frank: You want me to wear a bra?!
Kramer: No, no. A bra is for ladies.
Kramer: Meet, the bro.
Estelle: So, is your father excited about coming home?
Estelle: George?
George: (broaching a subject) Hey mom. What kind of woman was grandma?
Estelle: All of a sudden you're interested in your grandmother?
George: Well, you know. You get to a certain point, you wanna know about your roots.
Estelle: She was a lovely woman.
George: Yuh. What about physically?
Estelle: Physically?
George: Yeah, you know, what'd she uh, look like?
Estelle: Well, you've seen pictures.
George: (to himself) You can't tell much from those pictures.
Estelle: So what?
George: Was she uh, was she a big, uh woman?
Estelle: Big? No, just my height.
George: Bosomy?
Estelle: Bosomy? You wanna know if your grandmother was bosomy?!
George: (trying to laugh it off) No, I was just wondering. The information could be relevant.
Estelle: Where do you get your genes from?!
George: (to himself) That's what I'd like to know.
Elaine: I can't believe you left your post.
Jerry: He left me there. You see the mind games?
Elaine: (to one of the tenants) Hey, what's up? What's going on here?
Tenant 1: Somebody stole the couch out of the lobby.
Tenant 2: Where's the doorman? How come someone wasn't watching the door?
Elaine: (quietly to Jerry) Jerry, let's get out of here.
Jerry: Yeah.
Estelle: (shocked) Oh, my god!
Elaine: What were you doing watching the door anyway?
Jerry: He asked me to. We were getting along.
Elaine: (thinking) You know, my fingerprints are all over this. That doorman knows you're a friend of mine. He'll tell that co-op lady, she'll tell Mr. Pitt... Jerry, I'm in this too deep.
Jerry: Don't you find it odd that as soon as he leaves, the couch gets stolen? Maybe he's setting me up!
Elaine: (taking command) Alright, shut up. Shut up. Just let me think. I gotta think. We gotta get our story straight.
Jerry: Alright, well what if we say...
Elaine: Alright, (claps hands) here it is. This is what we'll tell 'em. You came to pick me up...
Jerry: I came to pick you up.
Elaine: Yeah. That's what I just said.
Jerry: I know. I was just...
Elaine: Yeah, I know what you were just. It's not helping.
Jerry: Alright, well. Just, start again, then.
Elaine: Okay, you came to pick me up at...
Jerry: Right.
Elaine: You see? Again.
Jerry: What? I said right.
Elaine: Alright, you came right upstairs, without talking to the doorman.
Jerry: But the doorman's gonna say that I was there.
Elaine: (intense) So what? No-one's gonna believe a doorman!
Jerry: But I don't know if this is gonna work.
Elaine: (aggressive, with finger pointing) Just stick with the story. We'll be fine. Let me do the talking!
Jerry: Okay.
Elaine: Good. Now fix me a drink.
Kramer: How's that feel?
Frank: This feels very comfortable.
Kramer: You see?
Frank: I feel ten years younger.
Kramer: Yeah, and your posture's a lot better. Look at you.
Frank: And I can breathe easier, too.
Kramer: I told you! Now, Frank, listen. Here's what I'm thinking. Now, you have a friend in the bra business, right?
Frank: Of course. Sid Farkus. He's the best in the business.
Kramer: (claps his hands) Here's our chance. What d'you say? It'll be me, you and the bro, bro.
Frank: Let's do it!
Frank: Except, we gotta do something about the name.
Kramer: Why, what's wrong with bro?
Frank: No, bro's no good. Too ethnic.
Kramer: Alright, you got something better?
Frank: How 'bout uh... the mansiere?
Kramer: Mansiere?
Frank: That's right. A brassiere for a man. The mansiere, get it?
George: (upset) Well, you've scared her off. We may never see mom again.
Frank: Hey George, what d'you like better? The bro, or the mansiere?
George: Dad. We need to talk.
Doorman: I had to use the bathroom, so I asked this guy to watch the door for a few minutes.
Mrs. Payton: Why should I believe you?
Doorman: (indicating Elaine) Actually, it was her friend.
Mrs. Payton: I was just speaking to the doorman here, about the couch robbery.
Elaine: Oh really? (skeptical) The doorman. And, pray tell, what did the doorman say?
Mrs. Payton: He said he asked a friend of yours to watch the door.
Elaine: (dismissive) Oh, my. Well, the doorman certainly has a wild imagination, doesn't he?
Doorman: Well... what do we have here? Perhaps Miss Benes could explain why a Jerry Seinfeld signed for this package (handing the package to Mrs. Payton) at the exact same time the couch was stolen.
Elaine: (in a rush) He never watched a door before, Mrs Payton, he didn't know how to do it. (pleading) You know, he's a comedian, Mrs Payton, they don't know how to do anything.
Elaine: (desperate) Don't you see what's going on here? He set us up. He's playing all these mindgames.
Jerry: You're saying I'm responsible for the couch?
Elaine: (worked up) There was nothing I could do. He said he had a Federal Express slip with your signature on it.
Jerry: (livid) Diabolical. He thought of everything. He was setting me up from day one!
Elaine: Is it possible we were victims of a sting?
Jerry: I'm sure he's having a good laugh over this with his doorman buddies.
Doorman 2: So, you didn't even (indistinct) watch the couch?
Doorman: No. I was just messing with his head.
Doorman 2: And they think they're better than us?
Elaine: Anyway, Jerry... Jerry?
Elaine: We have to replace the couch.
Jerry: Now we have to buy a new couch?!
George: (crafty) Not necessarily. Why don't you take back the couch you gave me?
Jerry: The one with the Poppie stain?!
George: Yeah, sure. (big smile) Then my father will have no place to sleep. (snaps fingers) He's gotta move out.
Elaine: But it's got a pee-stain on it.
George: No, the cushion's turned over.
Elaine: (not sure) I guess.
George: (enthusiastic) Yeah. You get a couch. I get rid of my father. It couldn't be more perfect!
Kramer: Now, it's called the bro.
Frank: Or, the mansiere.
Kramer: Yeah, but I prefer the bro.
Frank: I like mansiere.
Farkus: Well, I have to tell you, it's a very interesting idea.
Kramer: Yeah.
Farkus: You know, selling bras exclusively to women, we're really only utilising fifty percent of the market.
Frank: (to Kramer) That's what we figured, huh?
Kramer: (to Frank) I told you.
Farkus: And, to be perfectly frank, I've always felt I could use some support. I know, when I'm wearing Banlon, there appears to be some jiggling.
Frank: (vehement) I wouldn't be caught dead in Banlon.
Farkus: (indicating the bro) So uh, what d'you see in the back? Hooks? Velcro? What?
Kramer: Uh.
Frank: Definitely velcro.
Kramer: Say you're getting intimate with a woman uh, you don't want her fumbling and struggling back there.
Kramer: I think we've all experienced that.
Farkus: Summer nights.
Kramer: (pointing at Farkus) Very funny.
Farkus: Well, I still have to talk about this to Mr. Degrunmont...
Kramer: Of course, yes.
Farkus: ...But, barring any unforeseen developments, gentlemen, I think we're sitting on a winner.
Farkus: (sympathy) Frank, I wanna tell you how sorry I am to hear about you and Estelle separating.
Frank: Oh, thank you, Sid, but that's all in the past. I'm ready to move on.
Farkus: (thoughtful) I've always been very fond of Estelle. Beautiful woman. I uh, I hope you don't think uh, this is out of line, but would it be okay with you, if I were to ask her out?
Frank: (anger) You wanna go out with my wife?! (rage) Where do you get the nerve to ask me something like that?!
Farkus: Oh, no, Frank, I was just saying...
Frank: I know what you're saying, and I know what you're thinking!!
Farkus: No, Frank...
Frank: C'mon, Cosmo, I'm not doing business with this guy.
Kramer (O.C.): Frank!
George: Jerry took the couch back.
Frank: He took it back? Didn't you tell him I was using it?
George: Oh, I pleaded with him.
Frank: Where am I supposed to sleep?
George: Well, I took the liberty of packing your things. (gleeful) Mom's coming to get you.
Kramer: I thought Jerry didn't want that couch, because of the stain?
Frank: What stain?
Kramer: Oh, you didn't notice? It has a pee-stain.
Frank: (disbelief) You had me sleeping on a pee-stained couch?
George: (light) No. No, no, no. The cushion was turned over.
Frank: (anger) But, the very idea. you had me lying in urine!!
George: Ah! There's mom, there's mom.
Estelle: Is it safe to come in?
George: Oh, of course. (motioning Estelle to enter) Of course.
Estelle: You're not having any of your transvestite parties?
Frank: Will you stop it?
Estelle: (to Kramer) I lived with him for forty years, I never saw him trying on my underwear. As soon as he leaves the house, he turns into J. Edgar Hoover!
Frank: Here, Cosmo...
Kramer: Oh, hey.
Frank: ...You can have the hi-fi. (hands it over) I don't need it now...
Kramer: Awright, I got it.
Frank: ...I got one at home.
Estelle: Alright, let's go.
Frank: We'll go out for dinner tonight.
Estelle: I can't tonight, I'm busy.
Frank: What d'you mean, busy?
Estelle: I'm having dinner with someone.
Frank: With whom?
Estelle: Sid Farkus.
Frank: (anger) Sid Farkus?! You're not having dinner with a bra salesman.
Estelle: Hey, he only sells them. He doesn't wear 'em.
Frank: Okay, that's it! I'm not coming home!
George: (upset) But you can't stay here. There's no place to sleep!
Frank: We'll work something out.
German Woman: Stop him! Ja, ja, ja, it's him!
German Woman: Stop that man! It's him.
German Woman: Somebody, stop him! Please, quick. Stop, it's him. I know, I know. Help. Stop him.
Horst: Hey, hey. (pointing) That record player is not yours.
Kramer: Now, look. Somebody gave it to me.
Horst: You're a thief. We have proof.
Horst: What is that?
Kramer: The first upper-body support undergarment, specifically designed for men.
Horst: How does it connect in the back? With a hook?
Kramer: Oh, no, no. (demonstrates) Here, velcro.
Horst: (to the portly German) Ooh, (indistinct German) ...keine problem, ah?
Horst: Is gut, ja?
Mrs. Payton: Well, I suppose it'll have to do.
Elaine: It's a beautiful couch.
Jerry: It's hardly been used.
Jerry: Poppie!
Poppie: Oh, hello, Jerry.
Jerry: What're you doing here?
Poppie: Visiting my friend.
Jerry: Ohh. Hey, how you feeling?
Poppie: Oh, much better, much better. The doctors say I cannot have no aggravation.
Jerry: Hmm.
Poppie: So, I sell the restaurant, uh? I just take it easy. See, if I get excited, 'ats aggravated my condition. The last time I got aggravated, was in the restaurant. With your friend.
Poppie: She start the big fight, about abortion.
Poppie: It's you! It's you!
Elaine: Wha...?
Poppie: You! I... I gotta sit down!
Jerry: No, Poppie! No!!
Frank: Kasha?
George: No. Thanks, dad.


George: " That guy was amazing, he could dunk and he was my height...What was his name again?"
Jerry: "Jimmy"
George: "Jimmy, right."
Jerry: "I dunno how you could forget . He kept reffering to himself in the third person. "Jimmy's under the boards. Jimmy's in the open. Jimmy makes the shot."
George: "Ah! your just mad 'cause we beat ya."
Kramer: "Jerry it's my fault .I couldn't make a shot. These losses they stay with me. They (?) Jerry. Now this is gonna plague me."( Puts on aftershave and cries out) OH! Mother!!!"
George: "HEY! JIMMY!!! ha ha ha....Great game."
Jimmy: "OH yeah....Jimmy played pretty good."
George: "Hey you know , I felt we had like a synergy out there,you know, like we were really helping each other."
Kramer: "What d'you got there?"
Jimmy: "These?"
Kramer: "Yeah"
Jimmy: "These are Jimmy's training shoes."
George: "Yeah,yeah yeah yeah! I've seen these...they sorta ..they make your legs..stronger."
Jimmy: "Oh yeah! Jimmy couldn't jump at all before he got these. Jimmy was like you (looks at George)
Kramer: "They're Plyometric.(sp?)"
George: "Plyometric?"
Kramer: "Yeah! They isolate the muscles. The muscle has to grow...or die."
George: (to Jimmy) Wh...Where d'you get'em?"
Jimmy: "Jimmy sells'em."
George: "You sell them?"
Jimmy: "Oh yeah! But Jimmy's all out right now. Moving to Manhattan set Jimmy back a bit."
George: "Hey listen, let me give you my card. It's got my home number on it. I want to buy the first pair when the next shipment comes in."
Jimmy: "All right"
George: "All right Jimmy Good talking to ya."
Jimmy: "Jimmy'll see you around."
George: "What day is today?...Aw. ..Tuesday! Damn it. I shouldn't have worked out today. Mr Wilhem has called a big meeting and now I'm gonna be sweating through the whole thing."
Jerry: "Why. You took a shower?"
George: "Aahhrgh...it wouldn't take... long pause, audience laughter) ten minutes from now, I'll be sweating all over again ,I can feel it. I'm a human heat pump!"
Kramer: "You should take cold showers."
George: "Cold showers? They're for psychotics."
Kramer: "Well I take 'em....They give me a Whooooosh."
George: "All right, I'll see you guys later."
Jerry: "Aw right."
Kramer: "So, you're heading home?"
Jerry: "No...Got dental appointment."
Kramer: "Ah! what.. Tim Whatley?
Jerry: "Yeah!"
Kramer: "Oh yeah.! I got a check up on Thursday."
Jerry: "Oh! How d'you like that?"
Kramer: "You know.. You really shouldn't brush 24 hours before seeing the dentist."
Jerry: "I think that's eat 24 hours before surgery."
Kramer: "Oh no, you got to eat before surgery, you need your strength."
Wilhelm: "I called this meeting because we...have....a problem. For the last few months someone has been stealing equipment from the club. Until recently it's been little things, y'know; bases, batting helmets, donuts, but two nights ago they pulled the big one. "
Wilhelm: "They took a pitching machine, a batting cage ,the in-field tarp and all of Mr Steinbrenner's vitamins.. Now , we have reasons to believe it's an inside job."
George: (still puffing)" Whoa!!"
Wilhelm: "If anybody here knows anything about it I recommend strongly that...you come forward."
Receptionist: "Dr Whatley's running a little late. If you'd like to take a seat, I'll call you when he's ready."
Jerry: "All right."
Elaine: "Oh! Okay. Right. Thanks Mr Pitt...'kay. ..goodbye."
Elaine: (to Jerry) "Hey ! You want to go see "The Velvet Fog".
Jerry: "The Velvet fog?"
Elaine: "Yeah! Mel Torm, That's his nickname."
Jerry: "What the hell his a velvet fog."
Elaine: "Do you wanna go or not?"
Jerry: "Well , where is it?."
Elaine: "He's performing at this AMCA benefit."
Jerry: "AMCA?"
Elaine: "Able Mentally Challenged Adults"
Jerry: "Naaaaaa...I can't watch a man sing a song."
Elaine: "What are you..crazy?"
Jerry: "They get all emotional , they sway. It's embarrassing."
Elaine: "Well, what am I gonna do for a date.?...Oh! do you know that ..hemmm! blond guy who's always at the exercycle at the health club?"
Jerry: "I don't think so."
Elaine: "Yeah yeah! He's really handsome with those..."
Jerry: (interrupting) "Elaine , I really don't.......pay much attention to men`s faces."
Elaine: "You can't find beauty in a man?"
Jerry: "No... I find them repugnant and unappealing."
Kramer: "Hey!"
Jerry: (pointing Kramer) "To wit"
Kramer: "What?"
Jerry: "No ,Elaine and I we're just discussing whether I could admit a man is attractive."
Kramer: " Hmm! Oh! Yeah. I'll tell you who is an attractive man; Gorge Will."
Jerry: "Really!"
Kramer: "Yeah! He has clean looks, scrubbed and shampooed and..."
Elaine: "He's smart..."
Kramer: "No, no I don't find him all that bright."
Kramer: "So you got any cavities?"
Jerry: "Just one...gotta go back...Oh but get this. Elaine, you will appreciate this. I'm sitting in Tim Whatley's waiting room...He's got a Penthouse right out on the table."
Elaine: "Penthouse?"
Jerry: "Yeah!!! What is that? I mean isn't that sick. I mean , I'd be embarrassed to have that in my apartment."
Kramer: "So what's wrong with that?
Jerry: (outraged) He's a doctor!.I mean it's supposed to be like a sterile environment."
Kramer: "So... Did you take a look?"
Jerry: "Of course... But that's got nothing to do with it."
Kramer: "Well I'll tell you I'm looking forward to my appointment on Thursday. I might even get there a few minutes early."
George: "Hey"
Elaine: "Hey! Hey! listen ... Do one of you guys know that ..that blond guy who's always on the exercycle at the health club. You know he's just really handsome?.."
George: (head down low) I...I wouldn't know"
Elaine: "You know that just admitting a man is handsome doesn't necessarily make you a homosexual."
George: "It doesn't help"
Elaine: "All right, I'm gone"
George: "I'll see you."
George: (to Jerry) "You know those shoes that Jimmy had? I cut a deal with him. We're gonna import a case of them together."
Jerry: "What are you doing that for, you got a job"
George: "There's a lot of money in this.. He's got a proven sales method"
Jerry: " Yeah! What's that."
George: "He jumps!"
Jerry: "Jimmy's got a record. Jimmy's jumping for dollars. Jimmt and George are gonna get rich."
George: "Will you stop with the Jimmies"
Kramer: "Hey! What's this?"
Jerry: "Kom Pau(sp?"
Kramer: "(gasp_)...Kom Pau...."
Elaine: (We hear what she thinks) Look at me...Look at Mee!. Come on. I'm stretching right in front of you. Heeeey!! ...a smile. Aah! we made contact, all right one more stretch and then go talk to him.
Jimmy: "You know...Jimmy is pretty sweet on you."
Elaine: "Aaaaaahhh! He is?!"
Jimmy: "Oh yeah!. Jimmy's been watching you...you're just Jimmy's type."
Elaine: "AAaaaaahhh! Really?"(giggles)
Jimmy: "Jimmy's new in town. Jimmy hem ..doesn't really know anyone."
Elaine: "Oh! well I'd like, like to get to know him."
Jimmy: "Jimmy would like to get to know you."
Elaine: "Ha..."
Whatley: "Hey! Kramer"
Kramer: "Boy , you're looking sharp there Tim."
Whatley: "Yeah Well...I do what I can. How've you been."
Kramer: "Euh.. Fine , good , yeah! Just been occupying myself with some of your...hem reading material."
Whatley: "So what'ill it be? Novocaine?"
Kramer: "Oh yes, yes indeed."
Whatley: "Why don't we just clear a path first."
Kramer: "yeah, yeah, lets do that."
Whatley: "You remember Mr. Thirsty."
Kramer: "All right euhhm..."
Jerry: "Ahh! You too with these?"
Kramer: (still under the effects of the Novocaine slurrs his words heavily) "Yeah H'amon board."
Jerry: "So what did Tim say?"
Kramer: "Wellhum...He th'aid I gotta cut out the SsssfKittles."
Jerry: "Looks like he gave you some Novocaine"
Kramer: "Ohhh H'am loaded."
Jerry: "So what about the Penthouse. Did you ask him?"
Kramer: "Well he said that humm.. you know.that it helps his pathients relax a little bit..and he's got a new polithy Adults only."
Jerry: "Adults only?"
Kramer: "Yeah!!!"
Jerry: "What the hell's going on over there?"
Kramer: "Well you know its.. great. You know, no kids ..allowed. you don't have to watch your language."
Jerry: "You find you need to use a lot of obscenities at the dentist.
Kramer: "He..he... When they pull that needle out I let the expletives fly."
Jerry: "Hey! Hey! Watch it.!... You're drooling all over the floor. How much Novocaine did that guy give you."
Kramer: "Well.. Aye can't hold the water."
Jimmy: "Oh yeah!! ... Jimmy's ready."
Kramer: "Hey Jimmy"
George: "Ha..harrr."
Jimmy: "Jimmy's got some new moves."
Kramer: "Go Jimmy"
Jimmy: 'Check Jimmy out"
Jimmy: "Ooohhh!!!!! JIMMY'S DOWN."
Paramedic: (missing a few words) ...was gonna be in traction."
Jimmy: "Jimmy might have a compound fracture.. Jimmy's going into shock!!"
George: (angrily)"WHY WEREN'T YOU MORE CAREFUL WITH YOUR DROOL!"
Kramer: "HEY I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN!!!"
Jerry: "Why are you taking this so personally?"
George: "BECAUSE IF HE CAN'T JUMP. THERE GOES MY SNEAKER BUSINESS!!"
Kramer: (cries out) WELL I SAID I'M SORRY."
Jimmy: (as he gets taken out) "JIM...JIMMY WONT FORGET YOU KRAMER... JIMMY HOLDS GRUDGES. LET JIMMY GO..."
Kramer: "BUT I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING."
Kramer: "HEY TAXI!!!...TAXI!!"
Kramer: "Go ahead, go ahead you got it...(to the driver) He's got it."
Deensfrei: (slowly) Oh! Please, go ahead take it
Kramer: "No,No...You were here first."
Deensfrei: No. No I..I insist. I'll grab the next one."
Kramer: "Lets share.. we share...Awight"
Deensfrei: "Yes ! Splendid. That's a great idea."
Deensfrei: "My name is Arnold DEENSFREI. What is your name?"
Kramer: "Eh!! Cosmo Kramer. Nice to meet you"
Deensfrei: "Very nice to meet you Cosmo. Are you heading home?
Kramer: (like rainman)"Yeah! heading home."
Deensfrei: "Good for you...You are really independant."
Kramer: "Yeaheum ... You're not doing too bad yourself"
George: "Argh!!..Anyway...Jimmy couldn't be here today so he asked me to fill in for him, and I'm sure that you'll be impressed at what can be accomplished after only a few short days of training...yeah!"
Kramer: (whose voice has returned to normal)" THE VELVET FOG!!!!"
Jerry: "What about the Velvet Fog ?"
Elaine: (as she comes in) "What about the Velvet Fog?"
Kramer: "Well...He's singing at a benefit and I'm gonna be sitting at his table."
Elaine: "I'm going to that!"
Kramer: "I'm a guest of honor."
Elaine: "What are you talking about?"
Kramer: "Well this afternoon I shared a cab with this...a hum..DEENSFREI."
Elaine: "Yeah, yeah! Arnold DEENSFREI, he runs the AMCA "
Kramer: "Yeah! well ..that's the guy .He's organizing the dinner."
Elaine: "I know that but why are you going?"
Kramer: "Well, because we hit it off and he was very impressed with what I do."
Elaine: "What you do!!. You don't do anything."
Kramer: "Well apparently I do something 'cause I'm sitting at the head table with Mr. Mel Torm
Elaine: (pointing at the shoes) "What are those?"
Kramer: "Ehmm ..These are my vertical leap training shoes."
Jerry: "Wait a second ..Where you wearing those shoes in the cab?"
Kramer: "Yeah! yeah! right after I left the Y."
Jerry: "Don't you see what's happened, he couldn't talk , he's wearing these shoes, he's drooling."
Kramer: "What!!!"
Elaine: "He thinks you're mentally challenged."
Jerry: "Well......you know..."
Elaine: "Well ,what happens when you show up . He'll see that you're not.?"
Jerry: "Not necessarily because..."
Whatley: "Sheryl, would you ready the Nitro(???) please?"
Jerry: "Oh! where's Jennifer today?"
Whatley: "OH!! She's over at Dr.Cessman's office. We find it fun to swap now and then."
George: "Whhhoooo!!!!"(taps on his desk loudly)
George: "Arrrrrrgh!! .. It's George.. Oh! Sports wholesaler. yeah. yeah. .. thanks for calling back. No , no , no still got the shoes, still got the shoes. Lots of them. This is.. beautiful athletic gear."
George: "...Well. I'm sorry. Call you right back."
Wilhelm: "So George. Have you heard anything about the missing equipment?"
George: "No!...not...nothing."
Wilhelm: "George, there's nothing I hate more than a liar."
George: "Well...there's no room for someone like that in this organization."
Wilhelm: "Are you feeling all right George?"
George: "Hemmm!.. Fine!"
Wilhelm: "You look a little warm."
George: "...It's the chicken"
Wilhelm: "You're a terrible liar George. Look at you, you're a wreck!. you're sweating bullets."
George: "It's the Kom Pau ... George likes his chicken spicy."
Elaine: "...Maybe you were still under the gas.Maybe you were hallucinating you're coming out of the gas but you were still under the gas."
Jerry: "I don't think so. I think they were getting dressed and not only that; my shirt was out!!!"
Elaine: "your shirt was out?"
Jerry: "I think so."
Elaine: "Well, what kind of shirt was it.?"
Jerry: "You know! Like a tennis shirt."
Elaine: "Oh! Well ... You don't tuck those in?"
Jerry: "Sometimes I tuck'em sometimes I don't"
Elaine: "Well. Were you tucked?"
Jerry: "I think I was tucked.!"
Elaine: "All right then say you were. I mean .. what do you think could have happened.?"
Jerry: "I don't know but I was spitting out and rinsing like there was no tomorrow."
Elaine: "Ughhhh"
Jerry: "Is this guy a dentist or Caligula?"
Elaine: "What are you gettin'?"
Jerry: "I don't think I'm hungry"
Elaine: "Okay...So you were violated by two people while you were under the gas. So What? You're single."
Jerry: " But I'm damaged goods now."
Elaine: "Join the club."
Jerry: "Hey, by the way, did you ever call that guy from the health club.?"
Elaine: "Oh yeah! Jimmy."
Jerry: "Jimmy?
Elaine: "Ahum!"
Jerry: "That's the guy?"
Elaine: "Yeah!"
Jerry: "Can't believe your going out with him..."
Elaine: "Why?"
Jerry: "I dunno. He's so strange.'
Elaine: "How so?"
Jerry: "Did you notice he always refer to himself in the third person. Jimmy can dunk. Jimmy's new in town. Jimmy we'll see you later."
Elaine: "No No... That's not him. That's the guy who gave me... Jimmy's number."
Jerry: "That's Jimmy. That's the way he talks."
Elaine: "I'm going to go see Mel Torm with him?"
Jerry: "Jimmy's gonna put the moves on Elaine.."
George: "I have to go see Steinbrenner later. Mr Wilhelm told him that I was the one responsable for stealing all the merchandise."
Jerry: "Why?"
George: "'Cause when he questioned me about it I was sweating from the Kom Pau.."
Jerry: "I don't know how you can eat that spicy chicken,"
George: "George likes spicy chicken."
Jerry: "What's that?"
George: "...I like spicy chicken"
Jerry: "No no you said George likes spicy chicken."
George: "No I didn't"
Elaine: "Yes you did you said George likes spicy chicken..
Jerry: "You're turning in to Jimmy."
George: "George is getting upset.."
Jimmy: "So what do you want to see Jimmy about?"
Elaine: "Well... (pointing at him) Jimmy!"
Jimmy: "Huh uh..."
Elaine: "About tonight hum.. there's been a little misunderstanding."
Jimmy: "Ah! ... Jimmy doesn't like misunderstanding."
Elaine: "Yeah. What happened was..."
Jimmy: "Jimmy and misunderstanding kinda clash."
Elaine: (suddenly intrigued) "You know, I've never heard anyone talk the way you do. It's very unusual."
Jimmy: "Well, Jimmy's very unusual."
Elaine: "Well anyway hum... see when I made the date, I thought that Jimmy..."
Jimmy: "Hey look. Hank's got a new boyfriend. Jimmy's not threatened by Hanks sexuality ... Jimmy's happy for Hank."
Elaine: "Elaine once tried to convert one but Elaine's not going through that again."
Kramer: "I'm going to try and find some candy. You want some?"
Elaine: "Yeah!"
Kramer: "What kind?"
Elaine: "I don't care"
Elaine: "Hey Jimmy!!"
Jimmy: "I Elaine."
Elaine: "Elaine got a new dress."
Jimmy: "Jimmy likes it."
Kramer: "There's no candy around here. hey! Jimmy."
Jimmy: "Well look who's here."
Kramer: "Whooo!"
Jimmy: "That's the guy who sidelined Jimmy."
Kramer: "What!"
Jimmy: "That's the guy who took the bread out of Jimmy's mouth. Jimmy's out of work because of you..
Jimmy: "Jimmy wants a piece of Kramer..(fighting ensues and Jimmy gets taken out by hotel security)
Jimmy: "JIMMY'S GONNA GET YOU KRAMER!!. HANDS OFF JIMMY!!. DON'T TOUCH
Kramer: (Keamer's voice starts slurring again) "Yeah! My lips swollen?"
Kramer: "No No I've been living alone a long time now."
Mel: "Well I think that's the tops."
George: (knocks) You hem... wanted to see me Mr. Steinbrenner?"
Stein: "Yes George, come in ,come in. You know George I've been your biggest supporter around here and that's why I was so disappointed to hear that you been pilfering the equipment."
George: "George would never do anything like that."
Stein: 'No why would I. I own it."
George: "Right!"
Stein: "So what are you saying?"
George: "Why would George steal from the Yankees?"
Stein: 'He wouldn't."
George: " 'course not"
Stein: "Exactly.........(mumbles) I don't what the hell's going on here."
George: "Sir?"
Stein: "Nothing."
George: (energetically) "Well seems it's about time for George's lunch."
Stein: "Yes it is. Well lets see what I have today. Darn it It's ham & Cheese again and she forgot the fancy mustard. I told her I like that fancy mustard. You could put that fancy mustard on a shoe and it would taste pretty good to me. oh! she made it up with a cupcake though. Hey look at this. you know I got a new system for eating these things. `I used to peel off the chocolate now I turn them upside down , I eat the cake first and save the frosting for the end. (George stops listening and It's almost like its own dessert......
Mel: "Ladies and gentlemen...I want to dedicate this song to a very courageous young man. (starts singing) "When you're smiling, When you're smiling... The whole world smiles with you... When you're laughin', When you're laughin' The sun comes shining through But when you're crying, You bring on the rain So stop that sign. Be happy again Keep on smiling , 'cause when you're smiling The whole world smiles with yooooouuuuuuu The whole world smiles with (with Kramer)yooooouuuuuuu..
Kramer: "Hey! Got the new Penthouse"
Jerry: "Where's my Mr. Goodbar?"
Kramer: " Ah! here here Listen...Dear Penthouse, I want to tell you about an experience I recently had. As an avid reader I've always wondered if the letters (with Jerry) are I'm a dentist and one afternoon my hygienist and I decided to have a little fun with one of our patients. Of course none of our patients had any idea exactly of what we were up to. I was still wondering what if ..... (Jerry stops and seems bewildered)


George: Jerry it's funny, Paula and I actually met because of Elaine.
Paula: Elaine is in my drawing class at the new school
George: ..And I went down there one time to see...
Jerry: (cuts in) A nude model.
George: If Elaine wanted to get some coffee.
Jerry: You know I went out once with a nude model. Never let me see her naked. Hundreds of people see her naked every week, except me. Needless to say it was quite vexing.
George: Are you through?
Jerry: Yeah!
George: So Anyway, I started to compliment Elaine on her sketches and it turns out,they're Paula's.
Paula: George, I just like to doodle
George: Oh! Dropped a napkin...(Whispers) Jerry!
Jerry: What?
George: What are you doing?...She had those nuts in her mouth, she just spit them out.
Jerry: (spits the nut) OooH!!! You. you ate these? You sucked on these and put them on the plate?
Shelly: Well I didn't know you were gonna eat them?
Jerry: Soo...
Shelly: I'm sorry you find me so repulsive?
Jerry: No ,no I don't, I mean, Don't be silly..
Shelly: Yeah!
Jerry: It's just...
Shelly: Well, hem ,if you'll excuse me I think I'll just go to the ladies room.
Paula: I'll join you.
Jerry: Oh! man did you see that. I ate discarded food.
George: Well I've done that.
Jerry: Yeah, but with you it's intentional.
George: Haven't you kissed her?
Jerry: Yeah, but this is different , this is like ,you know, semi digested food stuff. You know the next stop is the stomach and you can take it from there.
George: Excuse me just for a second. ( fixes his hair looking at his reflection in a coffee pot.)
Jerry: AH. Yes that's gonna make a big difference.
George: This is dating , you can't leave anything to chance.
Jerry: Hey ,You think that Shelly's upset that I made such a big deal about the pecan.
George: Hehummm , Yeah!
Jerry: Thanks.
George: No problem.
Shelly: Well Jerry , I guess we should get going .
Jerry: Ah! boy.
George: Well, it was very nice meeting you Shelly and Jerry be careful, there's a lot of nuts out there. (to Paula) All right you have everything?
Paula: Can you grab my purse.
George: Yeah.( reaches for the purse and finds a piece of paper . he looks annoyed.
Jerry: Yeah! So
George: Don't you see what this is?
Jerry: Yeah! It's a doodle.
George: Yeah!, a doodle of me...look at the size of the nose , the ears, all my features are distorted.
Jerry: Oh!.It's an affectionate caricature.
George: I'm grotesque . I look like a troll.
Jerry: It's just a drawing.
George: Don't you see what this says? How can you possibly like somebody ,if you think they look like this?
George: (gets up to leave the table) HELLO!!! (angrily)
Elaine: What is with him?
Jerry: the usual
Elaine: So, you know what? My friend Judy recommended me for a job at Viking Press.
Jerry: Good for you
Elaine: Yeah! But get this. Viking has a deal with the Plaza Hotel, they got a two bedroom suite, there, for out-of-town clients...So guess what I did?
Jerry: Oh! Come on, you told them you're from out-of-town just so you could stay in a hotel room.
Elaine: I know, I know Jerry.. but it's The Plazaaa... I've never stayed there .It'll be like a little vacation
Jerry: Well be sure to catch a Broadway show while you're in town.
Elaine: ( laughs)Listen, I've used your parents address in Florida.
Jerry: Oh! There coming to town tomorrow by the way.
Elaine: Hey. What's this.?.
Jerry: Don't ask.
Elaine: What is it ..A drawing of Mr. Magoo
Jerry: No ,it's George ( Elaine laughs heartily)
Elaine: It is..
George: You enjoying yourself? (More laughs from Elaine)
Elaine: Sorry.
George: You see. You see! Listen when is your next drawing class?
Elaine: Tomorrow .
George: All right, I want you to do me a favor.
Elaine: What?
George: I want you to find out is she likes me.
Elaine: Find out if likes you?. What, are you in High School?...George come on can't you just talk to her yourself?
George: But she's gonna know that I like her more than she likes me.
Jerry: You know my parents are coming in and I got some clean up to do , so if you and Potsie are done scheming...
Kramer: Well, they're in...
Jerry: What's in?
Kramer: The MACANAW PEACHES ,Jerry , the MACANAW PEACHES!!!!
Jerry: Aah! .. right. The ones from Oregon that are only ripe for two weeks a year..
Kramer: Yeah Yeah I split a case with Newman..I waited all year for this.. Oooh this is fantastic.. Makes your taste buds come alive...It's like having a circus in your mouth...Take a taste
Jerry: Nah, I don't wanna
Kramer: Come on ,Just take a taste
Jerry: I don't want it..
Kramer: Come on JUST TASTE!!!
Jerry: I DON'T WANT IT ...
Kramer: HE..YA. AYA. AYYYYYAAAAA!!!!
Jerry: I am not gonna taste your peach. I ate some one's pecan last night, I'm not gonna eat your peach.
Kramer: Jerry , this is a miracle of nature that exists for a brief period. It's like the Aurora Borealis.
Jerry: ..What is this?
Kramer: What?
Jerry: Yeah! I think I got flea bites.
Kramer: Flea bites?
Jerry: Look at this, my ankle's all bitten up.
Kramer: You got a dog?
Jerry: No.
Kramer: Well, that is strange.
Jerry: How could I have fleas?
Kramer: Don't sweat it buddy...I used to have fleas.
Jerry: What did you do about them?
Kramer: What do you mean?...
Morty: Hey guys . Jerry . Kramer
Helen: Hi Jerry...What's wrong?
Jerry: Nothing...
Helen: Jerry, I'm your mother, now what is it?
Jerry: Mom, Dad...I have fleas..
Elaine: Hey Paula!.. I hear you been going out with George Costanza?
Paula: How did you know??
Elaine: Everybody knows. y'know George told me he thinks you're totally cute and everything.
Paula: He said that?
Elaine: Ha hum...Do you like George?
Paula: Yeaaah! he's cool.
Elaine: No I mean...Do you like him or do you like him like him?
Paula: Like like.. looks aren't important to me ,you know?
Teacher: Miss Benes , Are you chewing gum?
Elaine: (nods) HumHummmm...
Karl: Yep!...In your bedroom too Mr. Seinfeld. You've got a full outbreak of fleas on your hands.
Jerry: I don't get this. How did this happen. I don't have a dog.
Karl: I don't explain 'em Mr. Seinfeld. I just exterminate them.
Jerry: I don't understand this..
Karl: I 'm gonna have to seal the place up for 48 hours and fog it. That's the only way to get rid of them.
Jerry: Nobody can be in here for 48 hours, I got my parents in town.
Karl: Well , unless you want to kill them. They can't stay in here. This stuff is pretty toxic. I'll go get my stuff, it's in the truck.
Jerry: Okay..
Elaine: Hi...???
Jery: Bug guy.
Elaine: Why do you have a bug guy?
Jerry: I have fleas.
Elaine: Argh.. Fleas ( strikes the purse she just deposited on the couch) How did you get fleas?
Jerry: I don't know...But every one's got to clear out of the apartment for two days. I don't know what I'm gonna do with my parents. they'll never let me pay for a hotel and if they go to someplace on their own I'm sure it's gonna be some awful dump. Wait a second.. Have you checked in The Plaza yet?
Elaine: No...Oh No...
Jerry: Come on,c'mon
Elaine: No, No...
Jerry: c'mon ,c'mon...
Elaine: No, No...
Jerry: c'mon, c'mon...
Elaine: No, No...Yesss!!!!!!
Jerry: Yes!!!
Jerry: Yes!!!
George: yeah!
Elaine: Well what about you. Where you gonna stay?
Jerry: I dunno , I'm gonna ask Shelley ,but she still might be upset from the masticated pecan incident.
Elaine: Hey!! I found out from Paula; She likes George. I'll bet he'll be relieved.
Jerry: Yeah.. When he's dead he'll be relieved... Oh by the way Viking Press sent a Fedex for you to my parents. They brought it with 'em.
Elaine: Yeah that's just some stuff about the company.
George: Hum..( to Elaine) Hey! did you talk to Paula?
Elaine: Yeah.
George: So what did she say?
Elaine: She...likes you..
George: She said she liked me. No kiddin' she said that?
Elaine: Ya!
George: Those were her exact words, I like George.
Elaine: Yep!
George: Ha Haaaaaaa... Jerry how do you like that.You see I get myself in a dizzy, I'm all worked up and for what?
Elaine: For nothing..
George: ha Ha..
Elaine: In fact she said that looks aren't even that important to her...
George: You see...WHAT!!
Elaine: Ah Oh!!
George: She said looks aren't important to her?
Elaine: Well..hum...let me rephrase that, She said...
George: She thinks I'm ugly. I knew it.
Jerry: You see the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around, but they don't know they're ugly, because nobody actually tells them.
George: ...So what's your point?
Jerry: I dunno...
Elaine: Okay.. The point , George, is she likes you.
George: Oh!, so what. I'd rather she hate me and thought I was good looking...At least I can get somebody else. (scratching his chest) What is this? Why am I itching?
Jerry: That'd be the fleas.
Jerry: Hey!!!
Morty: Hey! I do you like this? Huh, huh!
Helen: Oh! my god, Morty lets go, this is too nice.
Morty: Hey! This is the kind of room Sinatra stays in. Hey! look , Macadamian nuts.
Helen: Macadamian nuts?
Morty: Hey! You know what these cost, they're like 80 cents a nut.
Helen: Jerry, are you sure this all right?
Jerry: Yeah! it's all taken care of.
Morty: ( from the other room) Hey!!! They got a phone in the john here.
Elaine: Judy .
Judy: Hey!!!!.
Elaine: Hi, Thank you so much for recommending me to Viking Press .
Judy: It is my pleasure , just make sure you give that manuscript a good read.
Elaine: Manuscript?
Judy: Yeah. I'm sure they Fedexed you a manuscript. They want to see that you can read an unpublished work and give insightful criticism.
Elaine: Oooh!!
Judy: Read it twice if you have to. This is a big step in your career.
Elaine: Yeah! hmmm..I gotta go..
Judy: Hey! What about lunch?
Elaine: (she leaves hurriedly) I gotta gooo...
Elaine: Thank god I found you..
Jerry: Oh! Hey!
Elaine: You still got that Fedex?
Jerry: Yeah! I got it . It's in the apartment, but we can't go in there it's being fumigated.
Elaine: No I'll take my chances. Come on...( Grabs him by the coat and head back to his place)
Jerry: You see?
Elaine: Jerry , I need that Fedex right now..
Jerry: I told you to take it.
Elaine: Well, I didn't know that it was a manuscript that I had to read...
Jerry: Well, You can't go in there it's like a gas chamber in there.
Kramer: I left a Macanaw peach in your refrigerator.
Jerry: Kramer, they're fumigating. There's toxic gas in there.
Kramer: Toxic gas!!!
Jerry: Aw! You'll be fine, you were in there for what , a couple of minutes.
Kramer: An hour and a half!!! I was reading a manuscript, I just couldn't put it down.
Elaine: My manuscript?
Jerry: How do you feel?
Kramer: Now that you mention it , a little woozy.
Elaine: Kramer You got go back in there grab my manuscript.
Kramer: I'm not going back in there!!
Elaine: all right then, where is it??
Kramer: I left it on the coffee table or somethin'
Jerry: Well wh..wh.what are you doing?
Elaine: I'm going in .
Jerry: Didn't you see the sign on the door?
Kramer: Well I thought it was so your parents wouldn't walk in while you're with a girl.
Elaine: ( Heavy Panting) It's not on any table, Kramer. Where is it?
Kramer: Well I don't know . I was in the bathroom , the kitchen...
Elaine: Okay... bathroom...kitchen.
Jerry: Can you get me a soda?
Kramer: Jerry, I had some milk, I made a sandwich. I got to get out of the building.
Elaine: (again pants) I couldn't find it anywhere. How did you get fleas anyway?
Jerry: I don't know. Who could've been in my apartment.
Elaine: I 've looked everywhere , even under the couch but all I could find were the stupid Chunky wrappers. I couldn't...
Jerry: Wait a minute . Did you say chunky wrappers?
Elaine: Yeah!
Jerry: Let me see those. ( smells them) Oh! I know the chunky that left these Chunkies...NEWMAN!!! I've got him.
Jerry: Newman . Open the door, Newman, I know you're in there.
Newman: Hello jerry. What a pleasant surprise.
Jerry: There's nothing pleasant about it, so lets just cut the crap.. You gave me fleas. I know it and you know it..
Newman: Fleas? Bwa ha ha ha ha .That's preposterous. How can I , give you fleas. Now if you don't mind...
Jerry: Oh! but I do. There's probably fleas crawling all over your little snack bar. ( as he says this Newman is wildly scratching behind his back. he suddenly stops when Jerry turns around)
Newman: So , you have fleas. Maybe you keep your house in a state of disrepair. Maybe you live in squalor.
Jerry: You know Newman , the thing about fleas is that they irritate the skin and they start to...itch. Oh! maybe you can hold out five seconds or ten, maybe fifteen or twenty but after a while, no matter how much will power a person may have. It won't matter, because they're crawling , crawling on your skin. Up your legs , up your spine , up your back...
Newman: (Cannot take this torture anymore) Baaaaaaaaarrhhhhhhhhhhh...I'm ripped with fleas ( scratches furiously)
Morty: Oh! Oh! That feels good. Hey! This guy charges a hundred bucks an hour but I'm telling ya he's worth every penny OOOOHH!
Helen: I'm next.
Morty: Hey! Leo, get this, four movies at once; Pay Per View.
Leo: I love these nuts.
Nana: This Champagne's gone flat. ( throws her glass over her shoulder)
Helen: Nana!!!
Nana: He Ha Ha Ha...Let the chambermaid clean it up
George: Hello..
Paula: What's the matter?...
George: Well I spoke to Elaine...
Paula: Hey! Look , no shave.
George: No...Why should that make any difference to you?
Paula: It doesn't..
George: Of course not. You don't care what I look like.
Paula: That's right I don't.
George: I suppose I could just pull this out ( his tucked shirt)and walk around like this and you wouldn't care?
Paula: Not a wit.
George: Hu humm? i suppose we could go to Lincoln Center and I'd be wearing sneakers and jeans and that would be fine too.
Paula: You can wear sweatpants.
George: I could..
Paula: (seductively) You could drape yourself in velvet, for all I care.
George: Velvet...
Elaine: Did you read the whole thing?
Kramer: Oh! yeah.
Elaine: Huh . So What's it about?
Kramer: Well it's a story about love, deception, greed, lust and...unbridled enthusiasm.
Elaine: unbridled enthusiasm...?
Kramer: Well , that's what led to Billy Mumphrey's downfall.
Elaine: Oh! boy.
Kramer: You see Elaine, Billy was a simple country boy. You might say a cockeyed optimist, who got himself mixed up in the high stakes game of world diplomacy and international intrigue.
Elaine: Oh! my God.
Kramer: ah! Here we go.
Elaine: (to the waitress) can I have a scotch on the rocks.
Kramer: May I..( pointing her food)
Elaine: (feeling sick) Yeah! go ahead.
Kramer: what is this?
Elaine: What? What are you doin'? ( Kramer salting her food)
Kramer: I can't taste this.
Elaine: What are you talking about?
Kramer: This food ,it has no taste...nothin' I'm gettin' nothin'...( realizes) It must be the toxic gas from the fumigation...( he leaves paranoid and confused)
Jerry: Hey, thanks a lot for lettin' me stay here.
Shelly: Well, I don't keep pecans in the house so I didn't think it'd be a problem.
Jerry: ( embarrassed laugh) ...Oh! Damn..
Shelly: What's the matter?
Jerry: I forgot my toothbrush.
Shelly: Oh! no problem...You can use mine.
Jerry: Yours?...You know what I'll think I'll brush later.
Shelly: Brush now.
Jerry: (long pause)....Sure. ( humms a song then stares at the toothbrush)
Kramer: Newman ,Let me have a bite of your Macanaw..
Newman: What for, you got your own.
Kramer: Come on ,c'mon i need to taste it. ( takes his peach)...Nothin' , Can't even taste a Macanaw.
Newman: ( resumes eating) Well that's a shame.
Kramer: Waited all year and I can't even taste it..
Newman: You can't taste 'em . Why waste 'em . Why not give them all to me.
Elaine: It's a story about love , deception ,greed , lust and... unbridled enthusiasm .
Mandel: Unbridled enthusiasm.
Elaine: Yeah!..tha..that's right. that That's what led to...(throath clearing) Billy Mumphrey's downfall.
Mandel: hmmm...interesting take. So you believe, has he not been so enthusiastic he could have adverted disaster.
Elaine: Yes...Ye..Yes..That's right...You see ,Billy Mumphrey was a simple country boy. Some might say a cockeyed optimist, who got caught up in the dirty game of world diplomacy and International intrigue.
Mandel: So.. It was more a question of attitude than politics..
Elaine: Yes, yes Mr. Mandel.
Morty: Hey! Under Siege is on again. Whose up for it?
Leo: No more nuts. Awrghh...
Jerry: Oh! my god. What the hell is this? ... Don't tell me....Velvet!!!
George: It's the real deal.
Jerry: She's seen you in this thing.
George: That's right...We just had sex...You know Jerry I've been searching for someone a long time. Well the search is over.
Jerry: And now the search for the right psychiatrist begins.
George: He he...So huh! What's with the suitcase.
Jerry: Ahh! She threw me out.
George: Why?
Jerry: I wouldn't use her toothbrush.
George: So where are you staying?
Jerry: Well I guess I'm stuck with the Velvet Fog.
Mandel: Three hours of massage time , twelve in-room movies including several adult features, five shoe shines and four hundred dolars worth of snacks. Not to mention the damage to the room.
Elaine: Mr Mandel, you don't understand ...my my friend had fleas. I ran into the gas, it could have killed me, and my, my other friend couldn't taste his peaches ,they only good for two weeks.
Mandel: I think , you've read, one too many, Billy Mumphrey stories. Good day Miss Benes.
Elaine: Okay...Good day..
Paula: Hi George.
George: ( mouth full) Hi, this is fantastic ( puts the pit in the a plate)D'you ever had a Macanaw peach?
Paula: Oh! yeah I love those.
George: Too bad , it's all done.
Kramer: ya...Yes!...Yes! it's back I can taste again. ( to a passerby) Hey! What's the date today?
Passerby: The fifteenth.
Kramer: Fifteenth , Yes last day for the Macanaws. I can still make it. Wait.. Newman...
Newman: Sorry , last one . Would you want to suck the pit?
Kramer: ( fake laugh ) Look Hubert. It's the mailman. You remember the mailman don't you.
Elaine: ( knocks) Hello is anybody here?..
Leo: They said they were sending an Asian woman.
Elaine: Oh! my God.


[Opening Scene: Jerry and Elaine are outside, heading towards the apartment building]
Jerry: I hear you're going out with David Putty.
Elaine: Yeah. What, is it a problem?
Jerry: Well, I think he could've asked me. Supposed to be a friend of mine.
Elaine: Well, I guess he figured you just wouldn't care. It *has* been a few years.
Jerry: Elaine, you always care who an ex-girlfriend dates. You don't want it to be someone you know, and you don't want it to be someone better than you. Now, even though the latter is *obviously* impossible.
Elaine: Oh, god.
Jerry: The former still applies. I don't know what it is, but I just can't see you with a mechanic.
Elaine: Oh, yeah. Right, right. Well, all those mechanics do is work all day with their hands and their *big*, *muscular* arms on machines, and then they come home dripping with animal sexuality like Stanley Kowalski. What a huge turn-off that is.
Jerry: All right.
George: Look at that. They got lobster on the menu. Who would order a lobster here. I mean, do they bring a lobster in everyday hoping *todays* the day.
Estelle: So what if they have a lobster. Suddenly you're a shell-fish connoisseur.
George: You know, I think we really need to be in front of a television set. You take T.V. out of this relationship, it is *just* torture.
Estelle: So, I'm getting an eye job.
George: An eye job? Ma, you don't need an eye job.
Estelle: Georgie, I'm a divorcee.
George: No, you're not a divorcee. You're just separated. You're-you're a separatee.
Estelle: Well, I'm out there, George.
George: No, you're not out there.
Estelle: I am, too!
George: You're not out there! You can't be, because *I* am out there. And if I see *you* out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence!
Estelle: Well, anyway, the operation is on Tuesday and I need you to drive me home because I'll be all drugged up.
George: Tuesday? I can't do it Tuesday. Steinbrenner needs me to run-
Estelle: This is the only time the doctor *has*.
George: Kramer, hey, hey! (Gets up out of his seat)
Kramer: Hi, little buddy.
George: Come on over and sit down.
Kramer: Hey, listen, I gotta go somewhere.
George: No, you're gonna sit down, you son of a gun...
Kramer: All right, I'm sitting down. How are you? (Kisses Estelle on the cheek)
Estelle: So, Kramer. I'm getting an eye job.
Kramer: Oh, yeah, good for you. Hey, you have to look your best. You're out there now.
George: She's not out there!
Kramer: So, who is your doctor?
Estelle: Uh, Bakersoll.
Kramer: (whistles). He's good. He's *very* good. He worked on this kid from Guatemala with no nose. Turned him into Ricardo Montalban.
George: Hey, Kramer, what are you doing Tuesday?
Kramer: Tuesday? Uh...
George: Why doesn't *he* pick you up after the operation. He's got the car with the bench seats that you like.
Estelle: Oh, I don't care.
Kramer: Yeah, I know, but I can't drive anybody anywhere until I go down to the motor vehicle bureau and get my new plates.
George: Well, giddy-up!
Kramer: Yeah, I'm here to pick up my new plates. My name is Kramer. Cosmo Kramer.
Clerk: Kramer... (checks computer) All right...
Kramer: All righty...
Clerk: Sign right here, please. (hands over clipboard)
Kramer: (signs it) Okay. (The clerk hands him a manila envelope). Thanks. (opens up the envelope) Assman? Oh, no, these don't belong to me. I'm not the Assman. I think there's been a mistake.
Clerk: What's your name again?
Kramer: Cosmo Kramer.
Clerk: (checks computer again) Cosmo Kramer. You *are* the Assman.
Kramer: No! I'm not the Assman.
Clerk: Well, as far as the state of New York is concerned, you are.
David: How do you feel?
Elaine: Fine.
David: Something the matter?
Elaine: No.
David: Then what is it?
Elaine: No, nothing.
Jerry: Hi.
Elaine: I was with David *Putty* last night.
Jerry: Yeah, so.
Elaine: He did the move.
Jerry: What move?
Elaine: You know...*the* move.
Jerry: Wait a second. *My* move?
Jerry: David Putty used *my* move?
Elaine: Yes, yes.
Jerry: Are you sure?
Elaine: Jerry! There is no confusing *that* move with any other move.
Jerry: I can't believe it. He *stole* my move.
Elaine: What else did you tell (reaches over to slap Jerry) him. (does it again) The two of you must have had *quite* a little chat!
Jerry: Oh, it wasn't like that! I didn't even mention you. You know, we were in the garage. You know how garages are. They're conducive to sex talk. It's a high-testosterone area.
Elaine: Because of all the pistons and the lube jobs?
Jerry: Well, I'm going down to that garage and telling him to stop doing it.
Elaine: Well, wait-wait a second.
Jerry: What?
Elaine: Isn't that a little...rash?
Jerry: No! He stole my move!
Elaine: Yeah, but...*I* like the move.
Jerry: Yeah, but it's like another comedian stealing my material.
Elaine: Well, he doesn't even do it exactly the same. He-he-he uses a pinch at the end instead of the *swirl*!
Jerry: Oh, yeah. The pinch. *I've* done the pinch. That's not new. Besides which, I don't know how you could trust any of his moves now. His whole *repertoire* could be lifted.
Elaine: You know, it's strange, because he's such an honest mechanic.
Jerry: I know, he's probably the only honest mechanic in New York.
Jerry: ...so he stole my move and he's using it on Elaine.
George: You told David Putty your move and you didn't tell *me*? I *need* a move. You know I have no moves, Jerry. (points to the candy bar) Gimme a bite.
Jerry: Can I just get it opened first?
George: I can't believe you're hoarding sex moves. I'm out there rubbing two sticks together. You walk around with a zippo.
Jerry: All right, all right. Here. (hands George a piece of the candy bar).
George: (takes a bite) Oh, that's good. That's very good.
Jerry: You feel better?
George: Yeah, much better. All right, so what's the move, because I need *something*. This woman I'm dating, it's like she's doing her nails during love-making.
Jerry: Nancy Klopper?
George: Yeah. Never seen anyone so bored. I'm working like a dog here. Give me a moan. *Something*. I'd settle for a belch, for god's sake. All right, come on, let's have it.
Jerry: All right, George. I'm gonna tell you. But I just wanna make sure, before-
George: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in the vault. I'm putting it in the vault.
Jerry: It's not even a question of that. The point is when something like this is passed along, one must be certain that it's going to be used in a *conscientious* way. This is not some parlor trick to be used-
George: You're gonna tell me...or not.
Jerry: All right. On your bed. You got a headboard? You'll need a headboard.
George: I got a headboard.
Jerry: Is it padded?
George: No.
Jerry: Good. How tall is she?
George: Five-foot four. Why?
Jerry: You can't have more than a one-foot differential in your heights. Otherwise, you could really hurt your neck.
George: I can't tell ya how much I appreciate this.
Jerry: George, if you could master this, you'll never be alone again.
[Back At Jerry'S Apartment: Jerry and George have just walked in, still conversing on the same subject]
Jerry: Now, the ending is kind of an option. I use the swirl. I like the swirl. I'm comfortable with the swirl. *I* feel the swirl is a great capper. He uses the pinch, which I find a little presumptuous.
George: Is it a clockwise swirl?
Jerry: I prefer clockwise, but it's not written in stone.
Kramer: Here you go, buddy. (shows it to Jerry).
Jerry: What is it?
Kramer: *Fusilli* Jerry! It's made from Fusilli pasta. See the microphone?
Jerry: When did you do this?
Kramer: In my spare time. (turns to George). You know, I'm working on one of you, George. I'm using ravioli. See, the hard part is to find a pasta that captures the individual.
Jerry: Oh... Why Fusilli?
Kramer: Because *you're* silly. Get it? (hands the Fusilli to Jerry) Yeah...
Jerry: Well, thank you very much.
George: So, did you get your new plates?
Kramer: Oh...yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their *vanity* plates.
George: What do they say?
Kramer: Assman.
Jerry: Assman?
Kramer: Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!
Jerry: Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?
George: Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.
Jerry: It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass.
Kramer: Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.
Jerry: Yeah. Proctologist.
George: Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.
Kramer: Have you ever *met* a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. *Plant* yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they *stuck* something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one."
Kramer: Oh! There's my phone. (He leaves)
George: So, where you gonna stick this (points to the Fusilli Jerry)
Jerry: I'll tell you where I'd like to stick it.
Jerry: Hey, David.
David: Oh, hi, Jerry.
Jerry: Hey, what's the story? I hear you're doing my move.
David: What move?
Jerry: What move? *My* move. The one I told you about. You used it on Elaine.
David: You're move? What, are you kidding? I was doing that before I knew you. All you told me about was the ending.
Jerry: The ending is the whole thing. Without the ending, it's nothing. You had *nothing*.
David: Oh, that ending was *so* obvious. I would have figured it out anyway. I didn't need you to tell me that stupid twist.
Jerry: Swirl.
David: Whatever. I don't even do it.
Jerry: Oh, yeah, I know. You do the *pinch*.
David: Yeah, that's right.
Jerry: You can't come up with your own stuff , so you *steal* other peoples? You're nothing but a hack.
David: Are you through, 'cuz, uh, I gotta get back to work.
Jerry: Well, I'll tell you what I'll do, you know. If you wanna do it out of town...okay. But not in the city.
David: All right, how about the next time your car breaks down, you take *that* out of town.
Jerry: Fine.
David: Good!
Nancy: Ow, George! (crawls out from beneath the covers) What are you doing?
George: (pops his head out of the covers, looking a bit confused) Uh...you know, uh...pleasuring you.
Nancy: Well, stop it!
George: You don't like the move?
Nancy: No. I don't.
George: You're kidding.
Nancy: No, I'm not. It feels like aliens poking at my body.
George: Sorry. I'll just go back to my usual routine.
Elaine: Oh, god! Oh, god, Dave! Oh, yes! Yes!
David: No, I'm sorry.
Elaine: What?!!
David: I can't do the move.
Elaine: What?
David: Oh, he's ruined it for me.
Elaine: Oh, oh, come on, please?
David: No, he called me a hack. I'm just not into doing it anymore.
Elaine: Oh, so-so that's it?
David: I'll come up with some new stuff.
Kramer: "Call me. Thirty-six, twenty-four, forty-six. I think I have what you're looking for." (Pleased by the note, Kramer stumbles into his car).
Dr. Bakersoll: I must caution you about one thing. You can't cry for at least ten day. You can ruin the operation.
Estelle: Oh, okay.
Dr. Bakersoll: Now, is someone coming to pick you up?
Estelle: Yes, my son's friend should be here any minute.
Security Guard: Can I help you?
Kramer: Ah, yeah. Doctor Cosmo Kramer. (points to plate) Proctology.
Security Guard: Oh, oh, okay. Sure...
Kramer: Thanks. Have a good day.
Kramer: I just can't get over how fantastic you look.
Estelle: Oh, really?
Kramer: Oh, yeah. This takes twenty years off.
Estelle: And it was all done by laser. I don't even need bandages.
Estelle: Did he say "Assman"?
Kramer: Oh, yeah.
Estelle: Oh my goodness.
(Another Car Passes: "Hey, the Assman's in town!")
Kramer: You got that straight!
Estelle: Boy. I never dreamed it could make such a difference.
Jerry: You must have done *something* wrong. You probably screwed up the order. Did you close with the swirl?
George: Supposed to close with the swirl?
Jerry: Oh my god. Yes, you close with the swirl. There's a progression there. I told you to write it down.
George: Yeah, yeah, should've written it down.
Jerry: Yeah?
Buzzer: Elaine.
Jerry: C'mon up. (turns to George) You know what? Do me a favor. Don't even do the move anymore. You're gonna give it a bad name.
Jerry: Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. What? Twenty-eight hundred dollars?!! That's the estimate on my car?!! No, don't even do anything. I'm gonna think about it. Okay, bye.
George: What's to think about? If Putty says it's what it is, it's what it is. He's not gonna cheat you.
Jerry: Except that it's not Putty.
George: What happened to Putty?
Jerry: Eh, we had a little fight about the move. I took her to this other place. I think they might be trying to screw me.
George: Well, of course they're trying to screw you. What do you think? That's what they do. They can make up anything. Nobody knows. "By the way, you need a new Johnson rod in there." "Oh, a Johnson rod. Yeah, well, you better put one of those on."
Jerry: Hey, Elaine.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, hello.
Jerry: Is it something I said?
Elaine: Yes! As a matter of fact! David Putty won't do the move anymore.
Jerry: Really?
Elaine: Oh, he's come up with some other move. You should see this thing.
Jerry: What is it?
Elaine: Oh, it's a lot of just fancy-shmancy stuff. You know what it's like? It's like a big budget movie with a story that goes *nowhere*.
Jerry: Huh.
Elaine: I mean, this move is no good, Jerry. It's just taking up a lot of my time. And I...will not stand by and allow him to perform this move on me, when a perfectly good move is just sitting in the barn doing nothing!
George: Let me ask you a question. This new move. Is there a knuckle involved in any way?
Elaine: Yes. As a matter of fact, there is.
George: I think that's mine.
Elaine: I'm not surprised.
Jerry: Listen. I need you to do me a favor. When's the next time you're gonna see him?
Elaine: Why?
Jerry: You gotta get an estimate on my car from him. I think this garage is trying to screw me.
Elaine: An estimate? How am I supposed to do that?
Jerry: Well, look. Here's the work order with everything that broke. Just kind of bring it up at the right time and find out. (hands Elaine the work order)
Elaine: (takes the work order and points to the Fusilli Jerry sitting on the table) What? What is this?
Jerry: That's, uh, Fusilli Jerry.
Elaine: Fusilli Jerry?
Jerry: Yeah. Kramer made it.
George: All right, listen, I'll see you guys later.
Jerry: Hey, Assman!
Kramer: Hey, well, this is Sally.
Sally: Hello.
Jerry: Hi.
Elaine: Hi.
Kramer: Shall we go?
Sally: Okay. (turns around and walks out with an exaggerated swing of her hips)
Estelle: You can't face the fact that I'm improving myself.
Frank: You're not the only one improving yourself. I worked out with a dumbbell yesterday. I feel *vigorous*.
Estelle: Just take your mail and go home. I have things to do.
Frank: I got things to do, too.
Estelle: Don't upset me! I can't cry!
Frank: Getting an eye job like some Manhattanite, huh?
Estelle: Well, it's already working. Kramer made a pass at me.
Frank: Kramer made a pass at you? You're crazy.
Estelle: I'm not crazy. He stopped short and made a grab.
Frank: He stopped short? That's my move. I'm gonna kill him!
Elaine: Hey, let me ask you a question.
David: Sure.
Elaine: What do you charge for blown shocks?
David: What?
Elaine: Two, three hundred?
David: I don't know. Maybe five hundred.
Elaine: Ah.
Elaine: What about a bad gasket?
David: Bad gasket?
Elaine: Yeah. Like a terrible gasket.
David: What is all this?
Elaine: Nothing, nothing. I'm just taking an interest in what you...do.
David: What kind of car is it?
Elaine: Oh...any kind of-of a Swedish car.
David: All together, that could run about sixteen hundred.
Elaine: Oh.
Elaine: Is that with the parts and labor?
David: Uh-huh.
Elaine: Hmm.
Elaine: Oh, no. No, David. No, please. Not the knuckle...
Nancy: Wow. That was...*great*. I mean...*wow*.
George: It just came to me.
Nancy: I-I've never in my life have-have I-. What was that?
George: You mean in the end?
Nancy: Uh-huh.
George: A counter-clockwise swirl.
Nancy: What's that?
George: What?
Nancy: On-on your hand? Let me see what's on your hand.
George: Nothing. I don't know...just a little dirt.
Nancy: Give me that. (grabs his hand) I wanna see what's on your hand.
Nancy: Number one. Take her leg... Oh, my god! Crib notes? You've got crib notes?!!
George: It's a very complicated move! I couldn't remember it all.
Nancy: Oh, my god, you're sick. (gets out of bed)
George: You know, it's not the S.A.T.s!
Frank: Assman? I'll get him, Assman!
Jerry: Sixteen hundred dollars? That's all? *Ooh*, they are ripping me off.
Elaine: So what are you going to do?
Jerry: Well, that's it. I'm going back to Putty. No move is worth this.
Elaine: Oh! You mean you don't care if he does the move anymore?
Jerry: Are you kidding? He can do every move I've ever done! Do you know what a good mechanic is worth? You can't compare that to sex.
Jerry: Hi, Mr. Constanza. What's uh...?
Frank: Where's your friend Kramer?
Jerry: I don't know. Why?
Frank: Because I'm looking for him. That's why. He stopped short.
Jerry: What do you mean?
Frank: In a car, with my wife. He stopped short. You think I don't know what that's about? That's my old move! I used it on Estelle forty years ago! I told everybody about it! Everybody knows! (Demonstrates) Hmmph! I stopped short.
Jerry: Really, stopping short. That's a good move.
Frank: You're not kidding it's a good move!
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Hey, Frank.
Frank: Don't Frank me! I know what you did. How dare you stop short with my wife!
Kramer: C'mon, Frank, relax. I don't even know what you're talking about.
Frank: You think I don't know, Assman?!! To think I almost split the profits on the Manssierre with you.
Kramer: Bro.
Frank: Manssierre!
Kramer: Bro!
Frank: Manssierre! You...!
Frank: Aah!!!
Jerry: Oh, my god!
Jerry: If I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed it.
Elaine: Me either.
George: They say this guy's the best.
Jerry: He had to use cork-screw pasta.
Kramer: Jerry. Jerry, come here. Take a look at this.
Kramer: The name on the boat. Look at it.
Jerry: Assman!
Kramer: Yeah (points towards the doctor's office), he's the Assman! Jerry, *he's* the Assman!
Doctor: Which one is the son?
George: (stands up) I am.
Doctor: Ah. I'm Doctor Cooperman. I just want you to know that this won't take long. And he's going to be fine.
Kramer: Yeah, excuse me, uh... You didn't by any chance recently get the wrong license plates?
Dr. Cooperman: Yes. I'm still waiting for the motor vehicle bureau to straighten it out.
Kramer: So...you're the Assman.
Frank: It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one.
Estelle: Where have you been?!! You were supposed to fix the stove! I've been waiting for hours!
Frank: I fell on some Fusilli.
Estelle: Fusilli?
Frank: You know, the corkscrew pasta. It was a Fusilli Jerry. It got stuck in me. Had to go to the proctologist.
Estelle: The proctologist? Are you okay?
Frank: Yeah.
Estelle: Oh, I was so worried. (grabs a couple of tissues from the box)
George: Ma, don't cry!
Estelle: Oh, I can't help it!
George: Ma, your eyes!
Estelle: Oh!


Jerry: What time does your flight get in? Six? All right, that gives us six hours. Then I'll meet you at the diplomat's club. I'll be the one without the big red sash. Okay, see you tonight. (Hangs up)
Elaine: Is that the supermodel?
Jerry: Yep, she's not gonna be back for a month, but I got six hours.
Elaine: I thought you had a show in Ithaca.
Jerry: I do, but it's three o'clock and then I'm flying right back and meeting Bridget at the Diplomat's Club in the airport.
Elaine: Well, guess what I'm doing. I'm going to Mr. Pitt's, and I am telling him that I am quitting.
Jerry: So that's it? You know I never even met the guy.
Elaine: I've had enough. I am marchin' in.
Jerry: You're marchin' in.
Elaine: I'm marchin'. (Enter George)
George: Hey.
Jerry: Hey. Elaine's quitting.
George: Really?
Elaine: I'm marchin' in.
George: I've done the march in. Best feeling in the world.
Jerry: How 'bout the march out?
George: Not as good. That's when you realize all the money you're losing.
Elaine: This is it. Wish me luck.
Jerry: Get a march goin'! March it! (She exits)
George: Jerry, I need to borrow your camera.
Jerry: Why?
George: Well, I wanna put a picture of me and my boss Mr. Morgan up at the office.
Jerry: What for?
George: They're reorganizing the staff, and I'm on thin ice with this guy as it is.
Jerry: Isn't putting this guy's picture on your desk a little transparent?
George: It better be.
Elaine: Mr. Pitt, I have something to tell you.
Pitt: One second Elaine.
Elaine: Mr. Pitt...
Pitt: Elaine, you know what I just did? I just amended my will to include you as a beneficiary.
Elaine: What?
Pitt: Well, I think of you as part of my family. You've come to be like a daughter to me and I want to make sure you're taken care of after I'm gone.
Elaine: (Flattered) Mr. Pitt...
Pitt: (Sneezes) Elaine, I feel a cold coming on. Could you get me a cold pill from the medicine cabinet?
Elaine: Oh no no, Mr. Pitt, you mustn't. You have to check with the pharmacy before you combine anything with your heart medicine,
Pitt: Yes, yes, I'll check with the pharmacist.
Elaine: We don't want anything to happen to you Mr. Pitt. We want you to live a long, long time.
George: (Holding camera) Look at this, I only have one picture left... How 'bout a shot of me and Mr. Morgan?
Morgan: Why?
George: Why? Because we're a team! C'mon! Would you take this for us, dear? Thank you very much. Here we go... (To Morgan) Anyone ever tell you you look a lot like Sugar Ray Leonard? Yeah, you must get that all the time.
Morgan: I suppose we all look alike to you, right Costanza?
George: No, not a racial thing, there really is a resemblance...
Elaine: Oh my God.
Woman: Who are you?
Pitt: This is the girl I want to put in my will. Elaine...
Man: Please, rest Mr. Pitt.
Woman: You're the assistant? Why weren't you taking care of him?
Elaine: Well, he gave me the morning off, I was doing a little... shopping. How did this happen?
Man: Took a very dangerous combination prescription heart medicine and these other pills.
Elaine: Mr. Pitt, you were s'posed to talk with the pharmacist.
Pitt: I spoke to someone who worked there.
Elaine: I'm gonna go and call that pharmacist. (She exits)
Woman: How well do you know her?
Kate: Jerry, listen, just so you know, before we take off they're gonna tell us what to do in the vent of a crash-
Jerry: Yes, I know. I've flown before.
Kate: Oh good. I just didn't want you to freak out... The chance of a crash is very slim. Do you have to go to the bathroom?
Jerry: No.
Kate: (Pause) Because even if you have (Jerry gets up to go) to go a little you'd better go now because you won't get another chance until way after take off.
Kramer: Hey, how you doin'?
Earl: Pretty good.
Kramer: Name's Kramer.
Earl: Earl Hafler, nice to meet you. I'm headed to Houston, where you headed?
Kramer: Oh I'm happy right here. Isn't this place amazing? Planes flying in from all corners of the world, and they know the minute they're arriving.
Earl: Ah they don't know a darn thing. That's why my flight the Houston's been delayed. They're all morons. Matter of fact, I'll bet you that that flight to Pittsburgh takes off before my flight to Houston.
Kramer: Bet? Um, not betting.
Earl: Friendly wager.
Kramer: I haven't made a bet in three years, I-
Earl: Ah c'mon. Keep things interesting, pass the time.
Kramer: Okay, how much?
Earl: How 'bout 200?
Kramer: You're on, cowboy!
George: How ya doin'?
Man: Okay.
George: Nice day today.
Man: What?
George: I'm George. George Costanza, you live around here?
Intercom: Now arriving at gate 12...
Earl: This could be Mexico City.
Kramer: C'mon Seattle, let's go.
Earl: Come on, Mexico City!
Kramer: Seattle, yeah!
Intercom: ...flight 42 from Mexico City.
Kramer: All right, c'mon, let's go again.
Elaine: Mr. Pitt, do you need anything?
Pitt: No.
Elaine: You need something to sit up. Why don't I get you a pillow?
Pitt: Okay.
Kate: It's a pretty full house, the lighting guy's name is Lew, he's got a birthday next week.
Jerry: I don't care.
Kate: By the way, Jerry, I don't want you to freak out, but the pilot is going to be in the audience.
Jerry: Who?
Kate: Remember the plane we took here? The pilot is gonna be sitting out there watching the show.
Jerry: I don't care, why are you telling me this?
Kate: I just didn't want you to freak out when you saw him.
Jerry: Why would I freak out? (To himself) Pilot...
Off Stage: Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand for Mr. Jerry Seinfeld! (Clapping)
Jerry: Hey, all right. Good afternoon Ithaca. Welcome, good to see you here... Boy, I'll tell you, there's an awful lot of those orange cones you have on the throughway... (Sees pilot) on the way... up here... um... I..
Kate: It didn't go very well, did it?
Jerry: No, it didn't. And you know why? Seeing the pilot in the audience really freaked me out.
Kate: I knew it.
Jerry: If you hadn't mentioned anything, I would have been fine. I became obsessed with him.
Kate: Why did we invite him? Stupid, stupid. when he asked for a ticket, I should have said no. I'm gonna go chew him out.
Jerry: Oh, it doesn't matter now.
Kate: Don't worry, Jerry. I'm on top of this.
Jerry: Yeah, you're on top of it, and I'm on the bottom!
Earl: Well, Mr. Kramer, looks like you're in the hole $3200... Will that be cash or check?
Kramer: All right, look, one more bet. Double or nothing. C'mon.
Earl: All right, but I wanna see some cash on the table.
Kramer: All right, let me call my bank. You stay here. (He calls)
Newman: Hello?
Kramer: Yeah, it's, uh, me.
Newman: Hey, what's up?
Kramer: All right, listen. I need some cash.
Newman: What for?
Kramer: I just need it, that's all.
Newman: Oh no. Don't tell me. You're gambling again, aren't you? Oh you weak, weak man. Where are you?
Kramer: I'm at the airport.
Newman: The airport?
Kramer: We've been betting on arrivals and departures. (Newman rolls eyes) But I'm down $3200 , so you've gotta get me some cash.
Newman: I don't have that kinda dough.
Kramer: Sure you do.
Newman: Oh no, no, not the bag!
Kramer: Oh help me man, I'm desperate!
Newman: All right, all right.
Intercom: Sorry for the delay, folks, there is a slight complication that we're taking care of, and then we'll be on our way to La Guardia...
Jerry: (To Katie) What is the complication?
Flight Attendant: Mr. Seinfeld?
Jerry: Yes?
Flight Attendant: I'm sorry, but the pilot has asked that you leave this plane.
Jerry: What?
Flight Attendant: Apparently, he has some sort of problem with you.
Kate: I'm not surprised. I really let him have it, Jerry. He has no business being in your audience if you didn't want him there.
Jerry: I didn't care.
Flight Attendant: Well, now the pilot doesn't want you on his plane.
Jerry: He can't just throw me off the plane!
Flight Attendant: Yes he can, if he has cause to believe a passenger will be a disturbance.
Jerry: But I'm not a disturbance!
Flight Attendant: Well, apparently you are disturbing him, sir.
Jerry: But someone is waiting for me!
Kate: Jerry, I don't want you to freak out.
Jerry: I'm freakin' out! I am freakin' out!
Kate: There's a flight leaving at eight, and another one at eight-thirty, which one do you want?
Jerry: Which one do you think I want?
Kate: The eight will get you in a little earlier.
Jerry: Then we'll make it the eight.
Kate: I'll book a hotel, do you want a standard room or mini suite?]
Jerry: Hotel?
Kate: Yeah, it's eight in the morning.
Jerry: No, no, no. I have to get home tonight. Bridget's gonna be waiting for me at the Diplomat's Club. Rent a car.
Kate: Mid-size, luxury, or sports model, what's your preference?
Jerry: I don't have a preference, okay! Just make a decision yourself! Stop bothering me with every minor little detail, please?
Kate: Okay, you're a big celebrity. (She exits)
George: Yo.
Jerry: George.
George: Hey, Jerry, how was Ithaca?
Jerry: I'm still here. Listen, you gotta go down to the Diplomat's Club...
George: Hey, Jerry, what was the name of the exterminator who fumigated your apartment when you had fleas?
Jerry: Carl, I think.
George: Carl... Yeah, he was a nice guy.
Jerry: Yeah, he was nice.
George: What company was it?
Jerry: Defent.
George: Yeah, you know we spoke for a little bit...
Jerry: You need an exterminator?
George: No, not really.
Jerry: Oh, don't tell me. 'Cause he's black?
George: Gotta go.
Jerry: George, George!
Jerry: Hello, this is Jerry Seinfeld. Is Elaine there?
Woman: Hold on... Elaine, there's a Jerry Seinfeld on the phone for you.
Elaine: Hello?
Jerry: Elaine, I need you to do me a big favor. I need you to go down to the Diplomat's Club and meet Bridget for me. I'm going to be late.
Elaine: That's at the airport, right?
Jerry: Right, I don't want Bridget to think I stood her up. I'll never get another date with her. She'll freak out.
Elaine: All right, all right. You sound a little freaked out yourself.
Jerry: I am a little freaked out!
Elaine: Calm down, I'll take care of it. (Ms. Walker looks suspicious of Elaine)
Jerry: All right, but you have to go now.
Elaine: I said I'll take care of it!
Newman: Kramer.
Kramer: Hey.
Newman: Okay, here it is.
Kramer: Good. (To Earl) Here's my collateral.
Earl: So it's a mailbag, so what?
Newman: So what? Do you know whose mailbag that is?
Earl: (Reading) David Berkowitz.
Newman: Son of Sam. The worst mass murderer the post office ever produced.
Earl: Where did you get this?
Newman: I took over his route. And boy, were there a lot of dogs on that route.
Earl: Any of 'em talk to you?
Newman: Just to tell me to keep off the snacks!
Earl: (To Kramer) Your buddy's a helluva guy.
Kramer: Yeah, don't I know it.
Earl: Okay, Cosmo, we're back in business. Let's check out the board. Now, who do you like?
Kramer: All right, how 'bout Ithaca vs. Boston?
Earl: All right, I'll give you a sportin' chance. I'll take Ithaca.
Kramer: Double or nothin'.
Earl: Double or nothin'.
Newman: I hope you know what you're doing... (Kramer gives Newman a look of lack of confidence)
Jerry: (Wakes up) Where are we?
Kate: I'm not sure.
Jerry: Is this even a road?
Kate: Oh we lost the road a half hour ago.
Jerry: What? Why didn't you wake me up?
Kate: You told me not to bother you with minor details.
Jerry: No, road is a major detail!
Kate: Okay, now I know. Should I keep going or turn around, do you have a preference?
Jerry: (Pointing ahead) Look out!
George: May I help you?
Carl: I'm the exterminator.
George: Oh, yes of course, come in.
Carl: Why didn't you want me to bring my equipment or wear my uniform?
George: Yes, well, if the other people in the office saw that I called an exterminator, they would just panic. Besides, this is sort of a friendly visit. Carl, right?
Carl: Do I know you?
George: Yeah, sure, we met at Jerry Seinfeld's apartment. When you fumigated for fleas over there.
Carl: Seinfeld... Oh yeah, funny white guy, right?
George: Jerry? Yes, I suppose he is white. You know, I never really thought about it. I don't see people in terms of color. You know, there's someone I'd like you to meet. Hand on... (To phone) Is Mr. Morgan in?
Phone: Mr. Morgan left for dinner.
George: He left... huh... Carl, you hungry?
Tv: Here's a new twist on car pooling Early this morning, a lost Manhattanite drove through a residential backyard and wound up in a swimming pool near Ithaca, New York. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld, a passenger, seemed a little freaked out.
Jerry: That's it! No more questions! I don't care!
Pitt: That's him! That's the man who gave me the pills in the drug store! He's no pharmacist.
Womanewman: Jerry Seinfeld... I know that name. He called here earlier for Elaine. (She looks at Mr. Pitt)
George: (To Carl) Oh, by the way, order anything you want, it's all on me. Just do me a tiny favor pretend we're old friends. Oh my God! Mr. Morgan! What a coincidence, it's Mr. Morgan. Mr. Morgan, I want you to meet a dear old friend of mine, Carl.
Carl: I'm the exterminator. (Morgan confused)
George: That's... what we used to call him in high school, the exterminator. He's a linebacker. Oh, did we have some wild times.
Earl: Well, that Newman was your good luck charm.
Kramer: Yeah, he was.
Earl: I should have quitted at double or nothin'. Travelers checks acceptable?
Kramer: Oh I accept.
Newmanewman: (Talking to another man) ...yeah he worked in the cubicle right next to me. We once double dated.
Kramer: Yeah, it's a pleasure doin' business with a gentleman like yourself. (Elaine enters)
Elaine: Kramer.
Kramer: Oh hi Elaine. What are you doing here?
Elaine: Jerry asked me to meet his girlfriend here. Did you here about his plane in Ithaca?
Earl: What about the plane in Ithaca?
Elaine: Oh, our stupid friend freaked out the pilot. Single handedly delayed the plane a whole hour. Can you believe that?
Kramer: Boy...
Earl: Your friend caused the delay?
Elaine: Uh huh.
Earl: You're a cheat! Nobody hustles Earl Hafler.
Kramer: C'mon!
Earl: See you around, Cosmo.
Kramer: What?
Elaine: Poison you? Jerry Seinfeld tried to poison you? Wha? Mr. Pitt, what are you, delirious? He's never even met you!
Pitt: You're fired, Elaine. Goodbye.
Elaine: Goodbye? (Elaine thinks of memories with Mr. Pitt)
Jerry: Bridget!
Bridget: Jerry, what happened?
Jerry: Oh, I'm so sorry. I got stuck out of town. I missed our whole time together.
Bridget: Well, my plane doesn't leave for another half hour.
Jerry: Really? (They start to make out, Jerry sees the pilot on the plane) Oh my God, that's him! That's the pilot!
George: I love this place. You know, Carl and I come here all the time.
Morganewman: Is that right?
Carl: Yeah, I come here all the time. You wouldn't believe the rat problems in the kitchen.
Morganewman: (George spits out food) I thought so. You really are an exterminator. This time, George, you've sunk to a new low. (He leaves)
George: Check, please.
Waiter: Hey, Sugar Ray Leonard can eat here on the house.
George: Mr. Morgan! Did you hear that? Mr. Morgan!