Jerry: Have you ever called someone up, and you're disappointed when they answer the phone? You wanted the machine. You know, and you're always kind of thrown off, (left hand up to side of face, pretending its a receiver) you go "Oh, I eh, I - I didn't know you were there, I ah - just wanted to leave a message saying, sorry I missed you."
Jerry: Well this is it.
Naomi: Oh, this is nice. Thanks again for the Chinese food.
Jerry: Oh, you're welcome. You know I think I ate too much of that garlic.
Naomi: Yeah, me too.
Jerry: No, I ate the whole plate. I didn't know those little things were garlic. I thought they were peanuts.
Naomi: (laughs) - Nnnhhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha (obnoxious laugh). Oh, you know what? I think Naked Gun is on. Oh I've seen it. I laughed through that whole thing. You wanna watch?
Jerry: No, I mean, I don't think so.
Naomi: I thought you liked to laugh. I thought you were happy go lucky.
Jerry: No, no, no. I'm not happy, I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything I'm sad stop unlucky.
Naomi: Ahahahahahahahahaha.
Jerry: That's not funny Naomi.
Naomi: Ah hahahaha. (points at Jerry)
Jerry: I didn't mean to be funny there. Why don't you check the TV guide. I think uh, Holocaust is on.
George: (on the answering machine) Jerry, it's George. Hey, hey are you all set for the weekend. This is going to be great. You're going to have a great time with Naomi.
George: (con't) All right, you know she's got that laugh. What did you say? It's like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer?
George: (con't) A-Anyway, I was thinking we would take two cars up to the cabin and that way if one of wanted to stay you know...
Jerry: This thing has never worked right. (holding the machine in his hand)
Naomi: You think I, laugh like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer?
Jerry: Well, first of all Elmer Fudd is one of the most beloved internationally known cartoon characters of all time. "I'm going to kill that cwazy wabbit ... hahahahahaaa " Come on. Not only that, a juicer is one of the healthiest ways ... (Naomi exits) it makes the juice ... it extracts the-the pulp and-and-and the vitamins, for-for long life and-and-and vitality.
Jerry: How could you leave a message like that on my machine.?
George: Well how could you just play your message in front of anybody?
Jerry: Because I didn't think anyone would leave it!
George: Well, I didn't think anyone would play it.
Jerry: Well, now she's not going away for this weekend.
George: What do you mean not goin'? Come on, we got plans here. Call her up.
Jerry: Nah, it's better anyway. I mean really. What was going to happen? I'm a comedian. How can I go out with a girl with a laugh like that? I mean izz-it's like ah, it's like Coco Chanel goin' out with a fish monger. You know, cause she's with all the perfumes and a fish monger's pretty bad smell.
George: Wh-Well maybe you should ask Elaine.
Jerry: Yeah but if I ask Elaine, then Kramer will feel slighted.
George: Oh no no no no, don't say anything to Kramer. Susan can't stand him. He vomited all over her.
Jerry: Yeah, .. wait a minute do you smell smoke?
Kramer: Hmm.
Jerry: Ah, Kramer.
Kramer: Hello boys, (in an Irish accent) top of the morning to ya. What do you say?
Jerry: Will you put that thing out before you start another fire. You had to give him a box of cigars.
Kramer: So, what are you guys doin' this weekend?
Jerry And George: uh uh, we're uh ..
Kramer: Because I'm going to be playing golf at the Westchester country club. Mmh.
Jerry: Westchester? Isn't that a private club?
Kramer: Oh, that's right buddy. It's private. It's very private. But I met the pro at the golf shop up on 49th St. - I gave him one of these Cubans and he invites me up to play a free round ... then he says anytime I lay one of these babies on him it's going to be the same deal. Ha ha. Idn't that beautiful.
Jerry: and GEORGE Ye, hu, um Ye,
Kramer: Man, I'm going to be hitting the links all weekend. Ffoooo (Taking an imaginary swing, he makes the sound of a golf ball being hit)
George: Gee, that's-that's too bad.
Jerry: Yeah, too bad.
Kramer: Why? What wa?
George: Well, cause we were just saying we were going to ask you to come up to the country with us this weekend. Susan's father has a cabin up there. But, eh, all right, well.
Kramer: Well, what, they got any golf courses up there?
Jerry And George: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
George: No, no that's ah, that's pie country.
Jerry: Yeah
George: Yeah, they eh, they do a lot of baking up there.
Kramer: Uh huh.
Jerry: They sell them by the side of the road. Blueberry, Blackberry ...
George: Blackberry, Boysenberry ...
Jerry: Boysenberry, Huckleberry ...
George: Huckleberry, Raspberry...
Jerry: Raspberry, Strawberry ...
George: Strawberry, Cranberry ...
Jerry: Peach.
Elaine: I don't know.
Jerry: Come on. I don't want to tag along with George and Susan. If you're there it'll be a better group.
Elaine: What's that?
Jerry: Ah, it's an autographed picture for my dry cleaner. I never know what to write on these things. I hate doin' this.
Elaine: "I'm very imPRESSED"? ... Ah you mean pressed caus' its like a dry cleaner?
Jerry: Yeah, see that's why I hate it. So, come on, you going to go?
Elaine: Well what about the sleeping arrangements? In the Cabin!
Jerry: Well, um same bed ...
Elaine: uh huh (very quietly)
Jerry: .. and uh, underwear and a tee shirt.
Elaine: What about me?
Jerry: Well you'd be naked of course.
Elaine: Uh, that's, ...
Mel: Excuse me, Jerry Seinfeld?
Jerry: Yeah.
Mel: My name's Sanger, Mel Sanger.
Jerry: Hi.
Mel: I drive that truck out there.
Jerry: Oh, the Yoo Hoo?
Mel: Yeah.
Jerry: I love Yoo Hoo.
Mel: Yes, it's a fine product. Anyway I saw you on the Tonight Show a couple weeks ago. I was watching the show with my son Donald. He's got this rare immune deficiency in his blood ... the damnedest thing. Doctors say he has to live in a plastic bubble. Can you imagine that? A bubble.
Jerry: A bubble?
Elaine: A bubble?
Mel: Yes, a bubble!
Mel: Do you mind? May I?
Elaine: Oh, sure.
Mel: Ah, It'd break your heart seein' him in there. It's like a prisoner. No friends - just his mother and me. And I'm out there six days a week haulin' Yoo Hoo. We have sacrificed everything. All for the sake of our little ... bubble boy.
Mel: (in tears) Excuse me, I ah ...
Elaine: Oh right here (giving out paper napkins to Mel and Jerry and herself)
Mel: Excuse me, anyway we were watching ya on TV.
Jerry: You get in the bubble with him?
Mel: No. He can see through the bubble. It's plastic.
Jerry: Oh, I thought it was like an igloo.
Mel: No, it's clear.
Jerry: Ah ha.
Elaine: Who has the remote? (wipes a tear from her eye)
Mel: He does.
Elaine: The remote goes through the bubble?
Mel: Yeah, he's in the bubble with the remote.
Jerry: So you have no control over the remote?
Mel: No, it's frustrating.
Jerry: Mmm
Elaine: Yeah, of course, yeah. (blows her nose)
Mel: So anyway, you're his favorite comedian. He laughed so hard the other night we had to give him an extra shot of hemoglobin.
Jerry: Awe... That's nice!
Mel: Tomorrow is his birthday and it would mean so much to him if you could find it in your heart ta' pay him a visit and, just say hello.
Jerry: Hu, well, tomorrow, I, ...
Elaine: Jerry! Of course he'd pay him a visit. You'd be happy to.
Jerry: Yeah, uh, Ok, uh, tomorrow uh, where da ya - where do you live, uh, up town? Upper west side?
Mel: No, up state.
Jerry: Up state! Hummm.
Jerry: He's a bubble boy.
George: A bubble boy?
Jerry: Yes. A bubble boy.
Susan: What's a bubble boy?
Jerry: He lives in a bubble.
George: Boy!
Susan: Say, so what kind of a bubble? Like an igloo?
Jerry: No, that's what I thought but apparently it's just a big piece of plastic dividing the room.
Susan: Oh.
George: What kind of plastic do you think it is? What do you think like that dry cleaning plastic?
Jerry: That's no good. He wouldn't last ten minutes in there. Anyway what can I do, I promised I'd go visit him tomorrow. It's his birthday. I can't go to the cabin.
Susan: Well, where does he live?
Jerry: I don't know, up state, Falls, somethin'
Susan: Wait a minute, This is right on the way to the cabin.
George: Well all right, beautiful, so you stop in. Ya, ya visit the bubble boy for twenty minutes and then we can go.
Jerry: You think we can do it?
Susan: Oh I know exactly where this is. You can just follow us.
Jerry: Oh, great. Ok we'll goin' away. I think I'm excited.
George: (laughs) hu hu.
Susan: I'm excited. Oh, you're going to love this cabin. My grandfather built it in 1947. It's it's incredible.
Jerry: Ohh.
George: All right there you go. It's a '47 cabin all right. So, we'll see you tomorrow.
Jerry: OK.
Kramer: Well,
George: and JERRY Very nice, very nice, nice.
Kramer: Well, I'm off to the links.
George: and JERRY Yeah.
Kramer: Listen, I want to thank you for the invite up state. I'm sorry I can't make it.
George: (clears his throat)
Susan: The what?
George: Uh, nothing, lets get going. Come on. (laughs) hu hu.
Susan: Did you ... (George grabs her hand)
George: No, no, no we'll talk about it later.
Susan: Is that one of the cigars my father gave you? (Susan is pulled from the apt. and Kramer looks out the door to watch them leave)
Elaine: Hey, what's with George and Susan? Does he actually like her?
Jerry: Ah, I don't know if he likes her as much as he likes it.?
Elaine: Oh, that's nice!
Jerry: What's he doing? What is his hurry?
Elaine: Well you know George. It's not good enough to get there. You gotta make good time.
Jerry: I know he once went from West 81st Street to Kennedy Airport in 25 minutes.
Elaine: Hmhmhm (laughing quietly)
Jerry: Look at him.
Elaine: Hmhmhm (laughing quietly)
George: Would you stop that please. Would you just stop that?
Susan: Why?
George: Knock it off, just sit in your seat over there you're distracting me. We're making incredible time here. I once went into Kennedy Airport from West 81st Street to in uh, in 15 minutes. hu uh. Oh, here hold this. It's uh, ten dollars for the tolls.
Jerry: What's he doing? Is he out of his mind? Do you see him? I don't even think I see him anymore. Where is he?
Elaine: Isn't that blue car him?
Jerry: No, no that's not him. What happened to him? I can't believe it. I lost him. That stupid idiot. Now what are we going to do?
Elaine: It's no big deal Jerry. We'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house.
Jerry: I don't even know where the bubble boy lives. I - I don't even remember the name of the town.
Elaine: Wa',you don't have the directions?
Jerry: No, I was following him.
Elaine: How could you not take the directions?
Jerry: Because, HE'S my directions.
Susan: I didn't see them George.
Jerry: We make all these plans - this idiot goes a hundred miles an hour - the whole weekend's over - incredible - just like that -
Elaine: Poor little bubble boy. He's sitting there waiting for you in his bubble, or igloo thing, whatever.
Jerry: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM.
Elaine: Here just get off at this exit. We'll figure somethin' out.
Susan: We lost them. Do you KNOW THAT. WE LOST THEM!
George: Well it's not my fault. Seinfeld can't drive. How hard is it to follow somebody?
Susan: Well now what are you gonna do?
George: It's fine, we'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house.
Susan: Does he have the address?
Jerry: (answering machine) Leave a message. I'll call you back. Thanks.
Naomi: (on phone speaker) Hi, Jerry it's Naomi. Ah, listen, if its not too late I, changed my mind, I'd like to go to the cabin.
Kramer: Wait, wai, ... ... Yeah. Hello!, Hi, Aw, this is Kramer. Yeah, I'm the next door neighbor. Aw, well you know, ah Jerry's left, uh, uh, But listen, ah, see ah, my golf game got canceled. Uh, I'm thinkin' of going up myself... They got pies and ah, I got the directions right here.
Kramer: So then I drive all the way up to the country club and then I find out they got a tournament goin' on. Do you mind if I smoke?
Naomi: No.
Kramer: These are Cubans. (IN FAKE SPANISH) Maria, poquendo los scientos de estes con gleam.
Naomi: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ... Ha haaaa
George: I don't know of this is the house. I don't see Jerry's car anywhere.
George: Would you stop it. (Susan playfully bites his ear lobe again) Would you quit it please. Someone is going to see us here.
Susan: So what? You are SUCH a prude.
George: Hey, I am not a prude sweetheart. I swing with the best of them. (snapping his fingers 5 times)
Susan: Okay, Come on lets go in.
George: What?
Susan: Well we should at least tell them what happened. They might be very late if they make it at all.
George: I can't go in there. I can't face the bubble boy.
Susan: What's the matter?
George: I-I just don't react well to these situations. My grandmother died two months early because of the way I reacted in the hospital. She was getting' better. And then I went to pay her a visit. She saw my face. BOOM. That was the end of it.
Susan: Okay, we're goin' in. Come on.
George: Susan, wait please... (grabs her) Please ...
Susan: Come on George. George stop. George.
George: Susan, Susan would you wai,...
Jerry: (ranting) I can't believe how a little thing like George going too fast - and my whole weekend is gone - the plans, the packing, ... everything.
Elaine: Your whole weekend? What about the bubble boy?
Jerry: Why do you keep bringing up the bubble boy. You don't have to mention the bubble boy? I know about the bubble boy. I'm aware of the bubble boy. Why do you keep reminding me about the bubble boy?
Jerry: I'll have a cup of coffee and a turkey club.
Waitress: How ?bout you?
Elaine: Um, I'll just have a glass of water.
Jerry: (whispers) You can't just have water.
Elaine: Why not? That's all I want.
Jerry: Well this is not like a park bench where you just come in and sit down. It's a business.
Waitress: Hold it a second. Don't ?chu play on TV?
Jerry: Oh, no.
Elaine: YES! yes. You saw him on TV.
Waitress: What's your name?
Elaine: Jerry Seinfeld.
Jerry: Elaaaiinne...
Waitress: Garry Seinfield! I saw you on the Tonight Show.
Elaine: Right. Hey, wouldn't you like an autographed picture?
Waitress: Oh, ha ha
Jerry: Uh, I don't have anymore pictures Elaine.
Elaine: He's lying. They're in the trunk (takes car keys) Now you get to sign another one.
Jerry: I'm not lying.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah he is. (as she leaves)
Jerry: She'll have a cup of coffee and a broiled chicken.
Mrs. Sanger: See it's not really a bubble. A lot of people think it's an igloo. But it's really just a plastic divider.
George: Huh (quietly)
George: and SUSAN (nod)
George: Can you uh, go in the bubble?
Mrs. Sanger: Well, you have to put so many things on because of the germs.
Mel: The gloves, the mask, it's a whole production.
George: So then he makes his own bed?
Mrs. Sanger: Well, that's one of the things we fight about.
Mel: Would you like to meet him?
George: Uh, well, you know,...
Mrs. Sanger: Oh, he loves games. Maybe you could play Trivial Pursuit with him.
Donald: HEY MA WHAT THE HELL DO I GOT TO DO TO GET SOME FOOD AROUND HERE? I'M STARVIN'. AND IF IT'S PEANUT BUTTER, I'M GONNA SHOVE IT IN YOUR FACE.
Mrs. Sanger: (embarrassed) Ha...ha ha ha ha, ha.
Elaine: (laughing) hehehe - One picture left in the trunk.
Jerry: Uh, THANKS! This is FUN! Yeah, this turned out to be a GREAT weekend.
Elaine: Where's my water?
Jerry: Oh, it's comin'. - Here ya' go.
Waitress: Thanks.
Elaine: Waddya' write?
Waitress: "Nothing's finer than being in your diner."
Elaine: Hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu "Ther - There is nothing finer than being in your diner."?
Jerry: No good?
Elaine: THIS is what you came up with?
Jerry: Well.
Elaine: That is so lame. Jerry, people are going to be reading that for the next twenty years and laughing at you.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah, you're right. Excuse me, excuse me. Would you mind. I'd like to take the picture back.
Waitress: Why
Jerry: I, I'm not happy with what I wrote.
Waitress: It's good. I like it.
Jerry: No, believe me it's not good. I'll mail you a new one with something really funny written on it.
Waitress: Well, when you mail me a new one I'll send you back this one.
Jerry: No, look, you don't understand. I, I want the picture.
Waitress: RIGHT! (leaves)
Mrs. Sanger: This is Donald.
George: Hi. (waves to Donald and laughs) hahahaha.
Susan: Hello.
Donald: WHO ARE YOU? Where's Seinfeld?
Mrs. Sanger: He's on his way. These are his friends.
Donald: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT? NEVER SEEN A KID IN A BUBBLE BEFORE?
George: Tsst...'Course I have. Come on. My cousin's in a bubble. My friend Jeffrey's uh, sister, also ... bubble ... you know. I got a lot of bubble experience. Come on.
Donald: WHAT'S YOUR STORY?
Susan: I-I-I have no story.
George: She works for NBC.
Donald: HOW 'BOUT TAKING YOUR TOP OFF?
Mrs. Sanger: Donald, behave yourself.
Donald: COME ON.
Mrs. Sanger: I know. I know. Why don't you play a game of Trivial Pursuit?
George: Ah, well, you know we gotta been running because of the ...
Donald: Ooo. WHAT? ARE YOU AFRAID?
George: A-hu no, uh, it's just that ...
Donald: WELL I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS.
Jerry: Look, I was nice enough to give you the picture. I don't like what I wrote. I don't want it up there. Now please just give it back to me.
Waitress: You are really startin' to get under my skin.
Jerry: I want that picture.
Waitress: Well, you can't have it! In fact maybe you better just pay your check and get out.
Jerry: I'm not paying for anything until I get that back.
Waitress: Well, you ain't getting' it back.
Jerry: Well, maybe I'll just take it back.
Elaine: This chicken is really good.
Donald: OK, HISTORY ... THIS IS FOR THE GAME. ... HOW YA DOIN' OVER THERE? ... NOT TOO GOOD!
George: All right Bubble Boy. Let's just play... Who invaded Spain in the 8th century?
Donald: THAT'S A JOKE. THE MOORS.
George: Oh, Noooo, I'm so sorry. It's the MOOPS. The correct answer is, The MOOPS.
Donald: MOOPS? LET ME SEE THAT. THAT'S NOT MOOPS YOU JERK, IT'S MOORS. IT'S A MISPRINT.
George: I'm sorry the card says MOOPS.
Donald: IT DOESN'T MATTER. IT'S MOORS. THERE'S NO, MOOPS.
George: It's MOOPS.
Donald: MOORS.
George: MOOPS,
Donald: MOORS!
Kramer: Hey! Anybody home? Oh boy.
Naomi: What should we do?
Kramer: Ah, hold these (boxes of) pies.
Kramer: Okay.
George: Help, someone. (BUBBLE BOY is strangling George)
Donald: THERE'S NO MOOPS. YOU IDIOT.
Susan: Stop it. Let go of him!
Mrs. Sanger: Donald, stop it! Now, let go of him Donald. Donald!
Donald: I'M GOING TO KILL HIM.
George: You're choking me.
Mrs. Sanger: Donald, ... Donald...
Donald: MOORS. SAY MOORS!
George: MOOPS, MOOPS
Mrs. Sanger: Donald, No. ... Donald, stop it ..
Jerry: What are you doing? You're choking me. Elaine!
Waitress: Are you going to pay for that?
Jerry: No, I want the picture back.
Man #1: Something's happened to the Bubble Boy. They're rushing him to the hospital.
Waitress: What? (releases Jerry)
Jerry: The Bubble Boy? He lives around here?
Man #1: That's his house right down the road.
Man #2: He got in a fight with some guy.
Guy1: What kind of person would hurt the Bubble Boy?
Man #2: Some little bald guy from the city.
Man #1: Come on - Vern, Page, Preston, don't you think we ought to do somethin'?
Kramer: Naomi, come on let's get goin'.
Naomi: But that lake must be freezing.
Kramer: Nah, it's good for ya'. Retards the aging process.
Naomi: Ready to go swimming?
Kramer: Let's go... OK. (he snaps the towel at Naomi's backside) GOTCHA.
Naomi: AHAaaaaaha
Kramer: HeYAWaaa
George: JERRY! What happened to you?
Jerry: What happened to you? You were going like a hundred miles an hour.
George: Oh I was not. The BUBBLE BOY was tried to kill me.
Elaine: What?
George: Yeah, Susan tell him.
Susan: It's a long story.
George: Yeah.
Donald: HEY SEINFELD!
Jerry: Hey, Happy Birthday.
Elaine: Hi.
Donald: THANKS FOR SHOWING UP. YOU KNOW YOUR FRIEND HERE TRIED TO KILL ME.
George: Oh, you lying little snot. And he's a cheater. Aren't ya' you little twerp?
Donald: MOORS
George: MOOPS
Donald: MOORS
George: MOOPS
Donald: MOORS
George: MOOPS
Man #1: There's the guy who tried to kill the Bubble Boy. Get him!
George: Go, go, get out, ...
Jerry: Fire engines?
George: What? Must be a big one.
Elaine: Do you smell something?
Jerry: Yeah,
Susan: Smoke.
George: Yeah, (cough) Definite smoke.
Elaine: Arghhh, look it's a fire! (cough)
Jerry: Holy cow! look at that!
Susan: IT'S MY FATHER'S CABIN!
Elaine: The CABIN is on fire!
George: (Apprehensively) Um. I just realized. Ya' never gave me back the change from the tolls.
Elaine: How could this have happened?
Kramer: (singing) ... It's a big, wild, funky mountain man ...
Naomi: Oh, my god, the cabin?
Jerry: What are you two doin' here?
Naomi: Look at that.
Jerry: You didn't ... (makes motion like he's lighting a cigar)
Kramer: My Cubans! (runs off to the burning cabin)
** Pies - Just In Case You Did Not Know What These Two Kinds Of Pies Are:
Boysenberry: The edible fruit obtained by crossing the blackberry, raspberry, and loganberry. [ After Rudolph Boysen, 20th century U.S. horticulturist ]
Huckleberry: The edible black or dark blue berry of any of various North American shrubs. 2. A shrub yielding this berry.


[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: She hasn't told her father yet?
George: No. We're supposed to tell him tonight.
Jerry: "We're"? What do you mean, "We're"?
George: Susan wants me to be there.
Jerry: You're meetin' the father for the first time?
George: (Reluctantly) Yeah.
Jerry: (Chuckles slightly) Well, you'll make quite an impression on him when you tell him how you burned his cabin down.
George: I didn't burn it down - Kramer did!
Jerry: (Laughs) I mean, the whole thing is ironic. Think of it Here the guy is nice enough to give you a box of very fine Cuban cigars..
George: Yeah, I know what happened.
Jerry: No, but wait, wait And then you dump them off onto Kramer..
George: (Getting frustrated) I know.
Jerry: (Continuing) ..Who, who proceeds to burn the man's cabin down with one of those very same cigars! (Topping off his observation) It's very comical..
George: Listen, maybe we shouldn't start writing today. I got a lot on my mind.
Jerry: (Persisting) No, no, we put this off long enough. Today's the day.
George: (Letting his conscious get the best of him) I wonder how Susan's father's going to react to this. Alright, what- what's the worst he could do? So you burn a cabin down..
Jerry: (Agreeing) C'mon. It's not even a house - it's, like, a cabin.
George: We could build a cabin like (Snaps) that.
Jerry: (Blunt) Well, maybe not us, but two men could.
George: (Looking over the writing materials they just bought) Bics? What, d'ja get, bics?
Jerry: What, you got a problem with the pen now?
George: Well, I like a rolling writer. They're very smooth.
Jerry: Alright, let's just get to work. (They both move into the living room - ready to start writing their script. Jerry sits down) NBC Pilot, Seinfeld project. Act I, Scene A.
George: (Still standing) So, you're gonna sit there?
Jerry: (Wanting to get started) Just - just park yourself. (George reluctantly sits on the sofa) Alright. Act I, Scene A.
George: (Offering) Drink?
Jerry: No, no thank you.
George: (Uncapping his pen) Alright, here we go.
Jerry: Act I, Scene A..
George: Weren't you supposed to call Elaine?
Jerry: (Eagerly reaching for the phone) Yes. (George turns the TV on, and begins watching as Jerry dials the number) Hi, is Elaine there? Oh, uh, Hi, Sandra. Uh, yeah. I can hold. (To George) Every time I call I gotta chit-chat with her assistant for, like, twenty minutes. (Back into the phone) Oh, hi, Sandra. Listen, I'm at a pay phone, and there's lots of people here waiting to use it. (Yelling out for believability) I'll be off in a minute! (To Sandra) Yeah, could you just put me through to Elaine? Okay, thanks! (He turns to George) Are you thinking of ideas? (George, picking his teeth with his finger, is absorbed into the television. He seems to not even notice Jerry) Listen, Elaine, is there any way I could get through to you directly? Every time I call Sandra bends my ear for, like, twenty minutes. (Pause) So we're on for later?
Elaine: Yeah, I'll come by after work. Hey, I got a rubber pencil thing happenin' here.. (Sandra passes her doorway) Uh, I gotta go. I gotta go. (Hangs up) Sandra! Sandra? Hi, can you come here for a second?
Jerry: Okay, let's go. (George shuts the television off, ready to work)
George: Alright, here we go. You got it?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Here we go.
Jerry: Okay, how about this I'm in my apartment, you come in.
George: (Holding out his arms - giving praise) It's beautiful. Now, what do I say?
Elaine: Could you do me a favor? Um, when my friends call, could you not talk to them for too long?
Sandra: Why? Did Jerry say something?
Elaine: No, no.
Sandra: He must have said something.
Elaine: Oh, no, he didn't say anything.
Sandra: (Near tears) I can't work for you! I can't. I'm leaving. (Exits quickly)
Elaine: (Calling out to Sandra) No, Sandra. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I really am! Listen, listen, Jerry's under a lot of pressure right now. It's very hard being a stand-up comedian! Sometimes they don't laugh!
George: Alright, let's go.
Jerry: Here we go.
Kramer: Hey.
George: yeah, Kramer, we're, uh, kind of in the middle of something here. We're trying to do a little work..
Jerry: Yeah, come on. (Kramer gives out a frustrated sigh) What's with you?
Kramer: (Complaining) No more golf.
Jerry: Why?
Kramer: Well, you remember I told you about the pro, you know, at the Westchester Country Club, who's letting me play a round every time I give him a couple of those Cuban cigars?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: (Angered) Yeah, well, I lost them all in the fire! (Leaning over the couch, he addresses George) Hey, George, maybe you can ask Susan's father for more, huh?
George: What are you, Crazy? I can't ask the guy for more cigars after you burned down his cabin!
Kramer: Why? What's one thing got to do with another?
George: Kramer, please.
Kramer: Well, I can't go back to the public courses, now. I can't! I won't. I mean, you know what that's like? It's crowded, the grass has big brown patches in it, they don't rake the sand traps! Not to mention the caliber of people you have to play with!
George: Kramer, I can't help you. You're gonna have to get them some place else.
Kramer: (Opening the door) Where? They're Cubans. (Leaves)
George: (Getting up) You know what? Maybe I should take off.
Jerry: What?!
George: Well, you know, I gotta go to, uh, Susan's parent's house for dinner.. and, you know, I want to shower first.. and I want to leave myself plenty of time.
Jerry: (Looking at his watch) You got four hours! What about the script?
George: I think we got a bite on it. (Exits)
[Setting: The Ross' house]
Mrs. Ross: (To Mr. Ross) Doesn't George look like your sister, Sarah?
Mr. Ross: (Gruff) A slight resemblance.
Mrs. Ross: (To George) Her son's a podiatrist, you know.
George: Ohh, I have tremendous respect for people who work with feet. I mean, to dedicate yourself to the foot - you're toiling in virtual anonymity. I mean..
Mr. Ross: How are you enjoying those cigars I gave you?
George: Oh, uh, the cigars.. (Chuckles nervously) I'm, uh, suckin' 'em down. I'm puffing my brains out, yeah.
Mr. Ross: You know those cigars are made special for Castro?
George: (Impersonating Carson) I didn't not know that. Weird. Wild. (Susan and George both laugh)
Mr. Ross: What?
Susan: (Explaining) He's doing Johnny Carson, daddy.
Mr. Ross: I didn't care much for his jokes.
Susan: (To George) Daddy never laughs.
George: Oh, well, so what? Laughter - what is that? I mean, what is the point of opening your mouth and going "Ha, ha!"? What is that? "Ha, ha!"?
Mr. Ross: You know, you can't get those cigars anywhere.
Mrs. Ross: You and your cigars..
Mr. Ross: (Shooting back at his wife) Wear some more lipstick.
Susan: Daddy, there's, um, there's something that we have to talk to you about..
Mr. Ross: Oh, I forgot to ask you - how'd you like the cabin?
George: (Even more nervous than before) Oh, the, uh, the cabin.. well, (Clears throat)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: Right after we get off the phone, then you go and tell her that?! Well, of course she knows it was me who complained! Now I'm responsible for this woman's quitting. Oh, this is unbelievable!
Elaine: (Full of guilt) I know! I screwed up. It's all my fault. Would you call her?
Jerry: (Caving in) Ohh.. dial the number. (Elaine picks up the phone, and starts to dial) How could you do this?
Elaine: (Handing the phone over to him) I was just trying to help you.
Jerry: (Muttering) Oh, just trying to (Rudely grabs the phone from her) help me.. (Into the phone) Hello? Sandra? Hi, uh, this is Jerry Seinfeld. (Elaine now has her hand in a bowl of popcorn - grabbing a fistful) Listen, I - I just want to tell you, (Jerry sternly grabs Elaine's hand - forcing her to drop the popcorn, then shoves her hand away. Elaine sits back like a scolded child) There's been a terrible misunderstanding See, I told Elaine that, uh, it was a real treat talking to you on the phone, and she thought I was being sarcastic, you know, 'cause I'm a comedian and all. She thought I meant (Deeply sarcastic) "Yeah, it was a real treat talking to her on the phone." (Back to normal) You know, but I was really being sincere.. No, of course I like you.. Tonight? ..Um, uh, hold on a second. (To Elaine, whispering) Now she wants to have a drink with me. (Elaine mouths out "Just go" while making gestures. Jerry, again, gives in. Back on the phone) Yeah, I think I can.. Um.. yeah, I know where that is.. Ok.. uh, I'll see you there. Okay, bye. (Hangs up, peeved) Now I gotta have a drink with her.
[Setting: The Ross' house]
George: The cabin.. (Laughs nervously) Well.. (Pauses as he thinks of a way to break the news, then decides to pass it off) Susan?
Susan: Uhh.. about the cabin..
Mr. Ross: (Cutting her off) I love that place. My father built that cabin in 1947. My mother was recuperating from Impetigo at the time, and dad thought it would be a good idea to get her out into the fresh air. She died there the following winter. And he passed away 10 years later to the day. His last words to me were, (Mrs. Ross, bored out of her mind, has obviously heard this story a million times - she mouths the words as Mr. Ross says them) "Cherish the cabin." Not, uh, "Take care of your sister." (Adding) She's a paraplegic. But, "Cherish the cabin." (Smiling, reflecting) And I have.. for 45 years. It's often been a.. sanctuary for me.
George: (Annoyingly butting in) Kinda like Superman's fortress of solitude.
Mr. Ross: What?
George: S, uh, Superman - he, uh, built the fortress of solitude up at the North Pole, to, uh, you know, sort of get away from it all..
Mr. Ross: When I go, I'm passing it on to her. (Pointing at Susan)
Mrs. Ross: (Drunk, she laughs out loud) I'll take a hotel any day.
Susan: Daddy..
Mr. Ross: Yes?
Susan: Daddy, about the cabin..
Mrs. Ross: (Laughing, she points to her shirt) Look, Henry, I spilled wine on me! (Laughs again)
Mr. Ross: (To Susan) What about it?
Susan: Well, the thing is..
Mr. Ross: What? What is it?
Susan: Well, the - the cabin, is, kind of, uh.. George?
George: (Extremely blunt) Burned.
Mr. Ross: Burned?
Susan: There was a fire, and it uh..
George: Burned.
Mr. Ross: (Still trying to comprehend what has happened) The cabin burned?
George: (Laughs) yeah, burned. Whoo..
Mrs. Ross: (Laughing out loud) Burned! (George laughs with her)
Mr. Ross: Was anything found? Was it all burned to the ground?! Did they find anything?
Susan: (Solemn) No. Nothing.
Mrs. Ross: (Laughing, she's obviously getting a kick out of her husband's misfortune) Nothing! Ha, ha, ha.
George: Eh, but, you know, Mr. Ross, if - if you look at the whole situating, what with it being your cigars, and everything, it's really rather ironic - one might even say, in a sense, comical.. (Mr. Ross has, by now, left the room. Mrs. Ross is pointing at George, nodding, laughing. As if to say he hit the bullseye. George calls out to Mr. Ross) Really. Think about it.
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Sandra: (Offended) I can't believe you said that!
Jerry: What?!
Sandra: (Buttoning her jacket) How could you say something like that to me?!
Jerry: What? What?! You were the one who was talking dirty. I was just trying to keep up!
Sandra: That was a weird thing to say.
Jerry: Why? It didn't mean anything. I was just trying to join in so you wouldn't feel embarrassed.
Sandra: Ohh, I think you're really sick.
Jerry: (Getting slightly offended) I'm not sick. (Pointing at her) You - you said much sicker things than me.
Sandra: I'm leaving. (Moves toward the door. Jerry blocks her path)
Jerry: I really think you're making too much of this.
Sandra: (Attempting to get past him) Excuse me. (They both move to the door)
Jerry: Let me walk you to a cab.
Sandra: (Opens the door) That's ok.
Jerry: I mean, the main thing is that this is just between us, and that'll be the end of it.
Sandra: Oh, really? (Quickly walks out)
Jerry: (Calling after her) I mean, people - they're not interested in things like this. They don't want to hear about it. They really don't.
[Setting: The Coffee shop]
Jerry: So, we're.. uhh, drinkin' and talkin', and uhh, so, she starts rubbing my leg.
George: Wo-hoah! What did you do?
Jerry: (Sarcastic) Have you ever told a woman to stop touching your leg?
George: Yeah, right.
Jerry: I mean, I know it's the wrong thing to do. She works in Elaine's office. I know it's wrong - but I can't get that hand off my leg. I mean, I'm looking at the hand, and I'm thinking, "That hand should not be on my leg." But I can't make my brain to get my mouth to say the words, "Would you mind?!"
George: Yeah, woman have no problem getting the hand off. How do they do that?
Jerry: I don't know, they're working on a whole other level..
George: Alright, so, go ahead.
Jerry: So we go back to my apartment..
George: (Expressing shock) Woah. Whoa! Woah!
Jerry: So, we're, uh, foolin' around there.. you know, it's getting a little passionate.. (Scoots closer to George, to prevent others from hearing) and, uh, she starts with the dirty talking.
George: (Putting his hands up) Alright, alright, hold on! (Jerry has George's full attention) Time out! Woah, woah! (Scooting in, giddy) What did she say?
Jerry: (Modest) Oh, you know, the usual..
George: No, I don't know. How do I know the usual?
Jerry: Typical things.
George: (Picking up the ketchup) What typical? Gimme typical. Gimme some typical.
Jerry: She says, uh.. (Mumbles something inaudible. George, so shocked by what he's just heard, accidentally squeezes the ketchup bottle - ketchup squirts out and files off-screen. George reacts deeply)
George: (Breathing deeply) That's very dirty. (Jerry nods) That's absolutely filthy.
Jerry: ..And then she starts talking about her panties.
George: (Yelling out to a waitress) Gonna need some water here!
Jerry: So I said something.
George: Ok, what did you say?
Jerry: (Defensively) Now, bear in mind, I am just trying to keep up.
George: Of course.
Jerry: Okay? So, she's taking about her panties, so, uh.. So, I said, "You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?"
George: (Takes a few seconds to mull this one over. Shooting Jerry a confused look, he repeats it) "The panties your mother laid out for you"? (Jerry nods) What does that mean?
Jerry: (Throwing up his hands) I don't know! It just popped out.
George: Well, how did she react?
Jerry: She flipped out! Just left.
George: Well, that's not offensive. (Reflects) It's abnormal, but it's not offensive.
Jerry: Look, the main thing is I don't want Elaine to know about any of this. I mean, especially the panty remark. I mean, it's embarrassing. And she's never let me hear the end of it.
Jerry: She will tell her. She's going back to work. I talked her into it - how stupid was that? (Changing subject as they both collect money to pay for the check) Hey, so, Susan's father took that news pretty hard, huh?
George: Yeah, yeah. He went into the bedroom and started sobbing.
Jerry: I guess he failed to see the humor in it.
George: Huh. (Makes a "over his head" gesture with his arm) C'mon, let's go, go. We got a lot of work to do today.
Jerry: (Getting up) Alright, big work day.
George: That's right.
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
George: Okay.
Jerry: Let's go.
George: Here we are.
Jerry: Right now.
George: Let's do it.
Jerry: You and me.
George: Okay.
Jerry: Alright.
George: What'dya got?
Jerry: (Reading from his notebook) I got You enter, you go "Hi", and I go, "Hello." Now.. we need something here..
Kramer: Oh, hey.
George: Don't be silly.
Jerry: Come in, we're taking a break.
Kramer: (Moving back into the room) Oh, yeah?
Jerry: Yeah!
Kramer: Uh, George, did you talk to that guy about getting me some more cigars?
George: (Scoffs) No, I told you, I'm not gonna do that.
Kramer: (Concluding) Okay.. well, I guess I'm just going to have to take matters into my own hands, huh? (Pause) Alright, I'll see you guys. (Leaves, despite "No, don't go!" and other various comments by Jerry and George)
[Setting: United Nations' Permanent Mission of Cuba building]
Kramer: Buenos dias.
Secretary: Buenos dias.
Kramer: Uh, habla ingles?
Secretary: Si.
Kramer: Giddy-up. Ok, uh, (Looks at a woman wearing dark sunglasses and sitting on a sofa behind him. He reacts oddly) Um. I need to talk to someone.
Secretary: What is this about?
Kramer: Uh, well, It's a very private matter, but it's extremely urgent.
Secretary: Are you an American?
Kramer: Oh, yeah.
Secretary: I see.. excuse me. (Picks up the phone)
Kramer: Okay.
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: (Stirring, he gets up to answer the buzzer) Alright, let's get going. C'mon, c'mon now. (Approaches the intercom) C'mon, let's get it together.. (Through intercom) Yeah?
Elaine: It's Elaine.
Jerry: C'mon up. (Slightly opens the door for Elaine)
George: (Standing up, still waking up) Alright, you know what we should do? We should go to the movies. Get away from this script for a while..
Jerry: (Agreeing) Yeah, we should.
George: Alright, I just have to go over to the Ross' apartment and drop off Susan's sunglasses. You'll come with me?
Jerry: Yeah. Wha - what, does she live with them?
George: No, no, no, no.
Jerry: Oh.
Elaine: Hey, nice going, Jerome Seinfeld!
Jerry: What?
Elaine: I just got a message from Sandra, she's coming back to work.
Jerry: Well, then, you've just got to fire her! Don't even think about it - there's no two ways about it.
Elaine: Why? What happened? Did you talk?
Jerry: Talk? Did I talk? It - you're darn right I talk to her! We talked up a storm - and I concluded from the basis of these talks that this isn't anybody you should be talking to.
Elaine: Really?
Jerry: Yes.
Elaine: Really? You really think I should fire her?
Jerry: Oh yeah. Yeah, in fact, if George and I weren't so busy here working on the script, I'd do it myself.
[Setting: United Nations' Permanent Mission of Cuba building]
Man: (To secretary) Expira te afuera.
Kramer: (Standing up, greeting the men) Buenos dias.
Man: What is your name, Senor?
Kramer: Uh, Kramer.
Man: So, Senor Kramer, what is this about?
Kramer: (Leaning in, confidentially) Cigars.
Man: (Confused) Cigars?
Kramer: (Definite) Cigars.
Man: What about cigars?
Kramer: Uh, see here, I.. (Pulls out a paper ring from his pocket) I saved one of the cigar rings..
Man: Ohh.. (Laughs, pulling a cigar from his inner coat pocket) You mean - one of these..
Kramer: (Pointing at the cigar, incredibly nervous) Yeah, yeah. That- that's, uh, okay, So, uh, I'd like to buy a couple of boxes of those from you, yeah?
Man: (Deeply sniffs the cigar's aroma) You do realize, of course, these are illegal in your country.
Kramer: Um, wha - oh, illegal, huh?
Man: I like that jacket..
[Setting: The Ross' apartment]
Susan: Hi!
George: Hi, how are ya? (They kiss)
Susan: Hey, Jerry.
Jerry: Hi.
Susan: I thought you two guys were working today.
Jerry: Ah, just - takin' a little break.
George: (Chuckling) yeah. Uh, oh, here's your sunglasses. (Hands them to her)
Susan: Ok, thanks. Come on in for a second. (They move into the living room. Susan gestures to a man sitting on the couch reading the paper) This is my brother, Ricky. He's home from college for the weekend.
George: Ohh, hey there, young fella. (They shake hands) What's your major?
Ricky: (Blunt) I don't have one.
George: Well, you should always consider podiatry. (Patting Ricky on the shoulder) There's nothing wrong with the feet. (Ricky looks critically back at George)
Susan: (Now gestures to an old woman in a wheelchair) And this is my Aunt, Sara.
Sara: (Staring at George) He doesn't look like me.
Mrs. Ross: Sara, what do you have on your wheels?
Sara: Nothing, they're clean.
Mrs. Ross: Ricky, did you wipe her wheels off?
Ricky: (Annoyed) Yes.
Mrs. Ross: (Concluding) Well, they're filthy. It's just a matter of common courtesy.. (Wheels Sara over to a spot off the rug) When you come in the house you wipe your wheels.
Susan: Excuse me. (Answer the door. It's her doorman, Raymond, carrying a burnt box) Hello, Raymond.
Raymond: Ah, yes, the man from the insurance company dropped this off this morning. He said it was the only thing left from the remains of the fire.
Susan: (Accepts the box) Oh, thank you. (As the doorman leaves, she turns to Jerry and George) Wow, I've never seen this before.. (Opens the charred box) Oh, they're letters. (Hands the box to George) Here.
George: Oh, sure. (Holds the box out as Susan takes out a few letters)
Susan: From.. (Trying to read one) from John Cheever.
Jerry And George: Oh, wow.
Susan: (Chuckles as she opens up one of the letters. She reads it) "Dear Henry, last night with you was bliss. I fear my.. orgasm (She now has everyone's attention) has left me a cripple. I don't how how I shall ever get back to work.. (Jerry and George make odd faces as Susan is still concentrating on the notes) I love you madly, John. (Pause) P.S. Loved the cabin." (George nods, and Jerry gives a "Oh, of course" reaction)
George: Well, we.. we, we, ah..
Jerry: (Looking at his watch ) Yeah..
George: We really should be, uh, heading out..
Jerry: Yeah. (Tapping his watch) Look at the time.
George: You know, the time..
Mr. Ross: The box! (Rushes toward George, grabbing the box away from him, then the letters from Susan's hands) My letters! Gimme that! (Now holding them against his chest, defensively) Who told you to open this?!
Mrs. Ross: (Hysterical) Who's John?! Who's John?!
Sara: (Yelling out) I knew it!
Mrs. Ross: I want to know who John is!
Rickey: John Cheever?! Dad, you and John Cheever?!
Mr. Ross: (Proclaiming) Yes! Yes, he was the most wonderful person I've ever known. And I love him deeply! In a way you could never understand.. (Slowly walks back to his room, leaving everyone speechless. Susan seems to be affected the most. A long pause passes. Jerry gives George a signal that they should go)
George: Well, we really should be-
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Uh, heading out. Jerry really hates to miss the coming attractions.
Jerry: Yeah, and, (Pointing to his watch) because of the.. (Slowly exiting) time.
George: yeah, time is what he's indicating there..
Jerry: (Waving good bye) We'll see ya.
George: Uh, anyway, (Waving bye to everyone) onward and upward.
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
George: Alright, here we go.
Jerry: Alright, let's go.
George: Come on now.
Jerry: Right now.
George: Here we go.
Jerry: You and me.
George: You got it.
Jerry: No foolin'
George: Ok, so, what'dya got?
Jerry: (Looking at his notebook) Alright, I got, uh, you come in, you say "Hi", and I say "Hello".
George: Alright, so, we need something..
Jerry: Yeah.. how about this I say "How's it goin'?"
George: "How's it going?" - beautiful.
Jerry: (Getting up to answer the door) Alright, did you get that line?
George: (Nodding, writing) "How's it going?"
Jerry: Did you write it down?
George: I'm writin' it. "How's it going?"
Jerry: Okay.. (Opens the door to a frantic Elaine)
Elaine: Real good!
Jerry: What?!
Elaine: Do you know how much money you cost me today?! 429 dollars!
Jerry: What?! How?
Elaine: I got Sandra transferred to another office upstairs, okay?! So, she blabs to Lippman about my long distance calls to Europe!
Jerry: What calls?!
Elaine: Uh! I made a friend when I was in Europe, okay?! And we've been in touch, and Sandra told Lippman!
Jerry: Oh, did - did she say anything else to you?
Elaine: (Confused) "Anything else"? What do you mean "anything else"?
Jerry: So she just left the office - didn't say a word to you about anything?
Elaine: Yeah!
Jerry: (Smiling to himself) Beautiful.
Elaine: Why is that beautiful?
Jerry: Oh, no, not beautiful.
Elaine: It's four hundred and twenty nine dollars!
Jerry: Hey, look, I'm going to pay for that.
Elaine: No, no.
Jerry: (Taking out his checkbook) No, I insist. I was the one who encouraged you to fire her - the whole thing was all my-
Elaine: (Giving up too easy) Okay.
Jerry: (Pauses, noting Elaine's quick accept) fault. (Starts to write a check out, then stops, looking at the door) Do you smell smoke?
Kramer: Oh, hey! Hey, Jer, I want you to meet my new friends, here. (Introducing each one) This is, uh, Louis, Jorge, and Umberto.
Jerry: Oh, how you doing? Nice to meet you.
Kramer: Yeah, we're heading up to Westchester - gonna hit the links.
Jerry: Oh. (Notices Louis' jacket) Isn't that, uh, your..
Kramer: (Trying to avoid the issue) Oh, yeah, yeah, Okay, we're going. (To his three friends) Vamanos, muchachos!
Elaine: (Turns to George, he is now reading a book) Hey, what are you reading?
George: Oh, uh, "The Falconer" by John Cheever. It's really excellent.
Elaine: (To Jerry) John Cheever, you ever read any of his stuff?
Jerry: Uh, yeah, I'm familiar with some of his writing. (George shoots Jerry a smirk, then returns to his book) Alright, (Hand the check to Elaine) look, we gotta get back to work. We just had a big breakthrough here.
Elaine: (Folding up the check) Ok, I'll leave you two alone.
Jerry: (Moving back into the living room) Okay.
Elaine: (In the door way) Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties (Jerry pauses right before sitting in his chair) and they're - all laid out for me. (Leaves, smiling to herself. Jerry and George both look at each other, frozen in their places)


Jerry: (answering machine) leave a message and I?ll call you back, thanks. JOE DIVOLA Jerry, Joe Divola. *Pbt* *Pbt* *Pbt* I have a hair on my tongue, I can't get it off, you know how much I hate that? Course you do, you put it there. I know what you said about me Seinfeld. I know you badmouthed me to the execs at NBC, put the kibosh on my deal. Now I?m gonna put the kibosh on you. You know I?ve kiboshed before, and I will kibosh again.
Kramer: So, what do you think?
Jerry: About what?
Kramer: About the opera.
Jerry: Nah, I don't wanna go.
Kramer: You gotta go.
Jerry: I-I-I don't like the opera. What are they singing for? Who sings? You got something to say, say it!
Kramer: Jerry, you don't understand, that?s the way they talk in Italy, they sing to one another. Kramer starts to sing in bad Italian.
Jerry: All right, all right.
Kramer: That?s the way it was, you know. You listen to the language, its got that sing songy quality. It?s the language Jerry, the language
Jerry: So why don't they talk like that now?
Kramer: Well its, uh, well its too hard to keep up, you know, they were tired.
Kramer: Better get that
Jerry: Yeah?
Elaine: (intercom) it?s me!
Jerry: Come on up.
Kramer: So, huh?
Jerry: I don't know
Kramer: Oh come on Jerry, its opening night, black tie, Pagliacci! The great clown, the great sad tragic clown, like you.
Jerry: Well it?s very flattering. How did you get these tickets, I heard they're impossible to get.
Kramer: Oh, well I have many associates.
Jerry: I don't know, opera, it?s not my kind of thing.
Kramer: All right, you not gonna go I?m not gonna go, I?m gonna call the whole thing off.
Jerry: No, wait a minute, wait a minute, that?s not fair, what about George, Susan and Elaine, what do you need me for?
Kramer: You're the nucleus, the straw that stirs the drink. You're the Miana!
Jerry: Well I guess if I?m the Miana I should go. All right, all right.
Elaine: Hi!
Jerry: Hi!
Kramer: Hey! Hi Elaine!
Elaine: You got the tickets right?
Kramer: Well no, I don't have them on me.
Elaine: What? That?s why I came all the way over here.
Kramer: My friends got 'em, I?m going to pick them up tomorrow.
Elaine: Oh, I was gonna surprise Joey with them, you got an extra one right?
Kramer: Oh yeah!
Jerry: So I finally get to meet your pal Joey.
Elaine: Its killing you isn?t it?
Jerry: Yeah, so Joey?s a great lover of the opera
Elaine: Listen, I got news for ya, its nice to be involved with somebody who?s interested in something other than nick at night. Now he?s got a grip on reality, he's happy, he's well adjusted.
Jerry: Well I?m looking forward to meeting him.
Elaine: I've got to go
Jerry: Where are you going, what?s the rush?
Elaine: I'm going to surprise Joey, I?ve never been to his apartment so I?m just going to 'pop in'
Jerry: Oh, good, men love that!
Jerry: Hey!
Kramer: You've got a message buddy.
Jerry: Ooo, could be from that blonde
Kramer: Oo yiggity diggigg
Joe Divola: (answering machine message)'Jerry, Joe Divola. I have a hair on my tongue'
Jerry: (shouting) Kramer what am I going to do did you hear that that guy's gonna put a kibosh on me he's crazy he's out of his mind...
Kramer: Steady, steady, now calm yourself, come on, now get a hold of yourself,
Jerry: What the hell he's supposed to be on medication I don't understand he told me he's getting medication what happened to his medication!?
Kramer: OK Quiet! Quiet! Now let me think!
Jerry: I'm gonna call the cops. That?s what I?m doing, I?m calling the cops.
Kramer: The cops? What are you calling the cops for? They?re not going to do anything!
Jerry: What do you mean they're not going to do anything, they're the cops, they gotta do something, he just put the kibosh on me, do you know what the kibosh means, its a kibosh!
Kramer: Yiddigtkk ka kibosh.
Jerry: I mean it's a terrible mistake, I mean he thinks I ruined some deal of his at NBC, I don't know anything about any deal at NBC.
Kramer: Call him and tell him
Jerry: That?s what I?ll do, I?ll just call him and tell him, I?ll tell him. That?s all I?ll do. He's a human being, I?ll talk to him. He'll understand. Right?
Kramer: Right... Don't mention my name
Jerry: Oh, I got the machine.
Kramer: What?s his message like?
Jerry: Nice!
Kramer: Eh!
Jerry: (into phone) Hello Joe, listen this is Jerry Seinfeld, I really think there?s been a huge colossal misunderstanding,
Kramer: Big! Big!
Jerry: and I feel if we can just talk about this we can straighten the whole thing out, so listen, so call me back. Bye.
Elaine: Joey? Joey?
Elaine: Oh god, oh, its you! You scared me!
Joe Divola: Good. Fear is our most primal emotion.
Elaine: You left your door open.
Joe Divola: I know, I like to encourage intruders.
Elaine: (laughs) What?s all this?
Joe Divola: Do you like it? My home is a shrine to you.
Elaine: Where did you get all these pictures?
Joe Divola: I took them myself with a telephoto lens. Coming out of your office, your apartment, shopping, showering.
Elaine: Showering?
Joe Divola: I developed them myself in my dark room. Would you like to see?
Elaine: In the dark room? Uh no, no thank you. Not right now. I'm a day person!... Are you all right?
Joe Divola: Why
Elaine: Well I don't know, you just don't seem yourself?
Joe Divola: Who am I? Who am I supposed to be?
Elaine: That?s a good question, good question, its very... exerstential! Who are you? Who am I? Yeah, well.
Joe Divola: What are you doing here?
Elaine: Oh, nothing, I just stopped by to chat, you know, shoot the breeze.
Joe Divola: Were you able to get those opera tickets to Pagliacci from that friend of yours? I'm really looking forward to it.
Elaine: Oh, no, he couldn't get them. We're not going.
Joe Divola: Really?
Elaine: Oh, dammit, you know I just remembered I gotta go, I left something on, the gas, the lights, the water in the tub. Something is on somewhere so I?m just gonna get the uh..
Joe Divola: You know the story of Pagliacci, Nedda?
Elaine: Uh.. I?m Elaine!
Joe Divola: He's a clown whose wife is unfaithful to him.
Elaine: Oh.
Joe Divola: Do you think I?m a clown, Nedda?
Elaine: Do I think you're a clown? No, not if it?s bad to be a clown, if it?s bad to be a clown then you are definitely not a clown. But if its good to be a clown then, you know, I would have to rethink the whole thing.
Joe Divola: You've betrayed me with another, haven't you, Nedda? Who is he. I want you to tell me who he is. I want his name. Tell me his name.
Elaine: Oh, like any man would ever look at me, come on, I?m gonna... get out of here.
Joe Divola: Pagliacci kills his wife.
Elaine: Se, now that?s terrible, that is not a nice thing to do at all, I don?t know how this Paliachi thing turns out but you know I would assume that there is big big trouble for that clown
Joe Divola: You're not leaving
Jerry: (on phone) But officer, he threatened me! I don't understand, that?s not right! What if it was the President of the United States I bet you'd investigate. So what?s the difference, I?m a comedian of the United States, and I?ll tell you I?m under just as much pressure. Alright, thanks anyway, ok bye.
Jerry: (cautiously) Who is it?
George: It's George.
George: What, are you locking the door now?
Jerry: Well, well, look at you. It?s a little skimpy there isn't it?
George: Do you know the last time I wore this thing? Six years ago, when I made that toast at Bobby Leighton's wedding.
Jerry: Ooo, that was a bad toast.
George: It wasn't that bad.
Jerry: I never heard anybody curse in a toast.
George: I was trying to loosen 'em up a little bit.
Jerry: There were old people there, all the relatives. You were like a Red Fox record. I mean, at the end of the toast nobody even drank. They were just standing there, they were just frozen! That might have been one of the worst all time toasts.
George: Alright, still her father didn't have to throw me out like that, he could have just asked me to leave. The guy had me in a headlock! Susan's not going tonight you know.
Jerry: What do you mean not going? why not?
George: I don't know, she said she had to pick up a friend of hers at the airport. It cost me a hundred dollars this ticket.
Jerry: Why doesn't she pay for hers?
George: That's a very good question. You know she and I go out for dinner, she doesn't even reach for the check. That?s all I?m asking for is a reach. Is that so much to ask for?
Jerry: It's nice to get a reach.
Jerry: Who is it?
Kramer: It's me!
Kramer: What, are you locking the door now?
Jerry: Because of Divola! Get in here... How come you're not dressed?
Kramer: I am dressed.
Jerry: You're going like this?
Kramer: Yeah. Hey I want you to hear something.
Jerry: I thought you said people dress up when they go to the opera!
Kramer: People do, I don't.
Jerry: Well what about me! If you're going like that, I?m not going like this.
George: Wait a minute, wait a minute, do you think I?m comfortable here. I can't change, I?ve got no clothes here! You've got to go like that, I can?t go like this alone!
Jerry: Why should I be uncomfortable just because my apartment is closer to town hall than yours?
George: That?s not the issue, we're friends, if I?ve got to be uncomfortable, you've got to be uncomfortable too!
Jerry: All right, all right, I?ll wear this. It's bad enough I?ve got to go to the opera I?ve got to sit next to ozzie nelson over here.
Jerry: Would you turn that down! What is that crap!
Kramer: It's Pagliacci!
Jerry: Oh beautiful. Listen, we've got a little problem here, we've got two extra tickets.
Kramer: Why? What happened?
Jerry: Well Susan isn't going and Elaine just left me a message her friend isn't going either.
Kramer: That?s fantastic! We'll scalp the tickets, we'll make maybe five hundred a ticket.
George: What? Really?
Kramer: Yeah.
George: People are looking for tickets here?
Kramer: What, are you kidding? Opening night Pavarotti and Pagliacci. Ha, we're gonna clean up!
George: Oh man! I knew I was gonna love the opera.
Jerry: Oh yeah right.
Kramer: OK come on, let?s go get the tickets.
George: All right, all right.
Jerry: All right, you guys listen, I've got to wait here for Elaine, I'll meet you in front of the theatre.
George: Oh, wait, isn't scalping illegal?
Kramer: Oh yeah!
Jerry: You sprayed him in the eyes with Binaca?
Elaine: Cherry Binaca, it?s new.
Jerry: See, I don't get that. First they come out with the regular, then a year later they come out with the cherry. They know that we like the cherry, start with cherry! Then come out with the regular!
Elaine: It's like I didn't even know him. He's like a totally different person.
Jerry: Well you should hear the message from my nut. Where's George and Kramer, I want to get inside already, I don't like standing out here, I feel very vulnerable.
Jerry: Hey, hey, what are you doing, that?s my quarter.
Man#1: No it's not, it's mine.
Jerry: I was just flipping it, it's mine.
Man#1: No, I dropped it, it's mine.
Jerry: All right, do you want the quarter, take the quarter, but don't try and tell me it's yours.
Man#1: Well it is mine.
Jerry: What, do you think I care about the money? Is that what you think? You want me to show you what I care about money? Here look, here look at this, here's a dollar here look, there, that?s how much I care about money.
Man#1: You think I care about money, that?s how much I care about money, I don't care about money.
Jerry: Oh yeah, well why don?t you Just get lost.
Man#1: Why don't you get lost.
Jerry: Because I was standing here, that?s why.
Man#1: Oh Yeah?
Jerry: Yeah!
Jerry: I kinda like this opera crowd, I feel tough... Anybody else got a problem?
Park Guy#1: Hey clown!
Park Guy#2: hey clown!
Park Guy#1: Make us laugh, clown!
Park Guy#2: Nice face, clown!
Park Guy#2: Make me laugh, clown!
Kramer: I got two, I got two huh, Paliachi, who needs two, Pagliacci, come on, the great tragic clown, come on, check it out, he laughs, he cries, he sings, Pagliacci. Hey, I got two beauties right here, check it out all right.
Man#2: Hey, hey. Are you selling.
Kramer: Oh yeah, I?m selling.
Man#2: Where are they?
Kramer: Orchestra, Row G, dead center, primo! You'll think you died and went to heaven.
Man#2: What do you want for them.
Kramer: All right, I?ll tell you what I?ll do. Cause you look like a nice guy, a thousand dollars for the duce.
Man#2: I'll give you five hundred for the pair.
George: Ok, it's a deal!
Kramer: Pzzzt. No.
George: No? Are you crazy?
Kramer: Look, let me handle this.
George: Five hundred dollars, that?s a great deal!
Kramer: You're blowing this, the guys a pigeon.
George: Did you see that? The guy's walking away. What is wrong with you? That was a three hundred dollar profit.
Kramer: Look, I know what I?m doing here George.
George: This is not a Metallica concert, it?s an opera alright, a little dignity, a little class, just give me my ticket, I will stand over here and sell it.
Kramer: Oh, yeah.
George: Thank you very much. You just stand over there, I?ll stand over here.
Kramer: I know where I?m standing.
George: Alright.
Kramer: Hey!
George: (shouting) Get your Paliachi!
Jerry: Where are they already?
Elaine: I guarantee they don't sell either one of those tickets.
Jerry: Hey, look, there's Bobby Eighteen?s father-in-law, Mr Reichman. George and I were just talking about that today, I can?t believe it! That?s the guy who threw George out of the wedding.
Elaine: Oh, yeah, when George made that bad toast!
Jerry: Do you remember the curse toast?
Elaine: Oh yeah, the curse toast.
Jerry: So, can you believe that message? Now I?ve got to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Elaine: Me too
Jerry: Crazy Joe Divola
Elaine: How do you know his name?
Jerry: What do you mean? Why wouldn't I know his name?
Elaine: I never told you his name.
Jerry: I never told you his name.
Elaine: Wait a second, who are we talking about here?
Jerry: Joe Divola.
Elaine: Right, Joe Divola
Jerry: How do you know his name?
Elaine: I've been out with him three times, I should know the mans name.
Jerry: Oh my god, its Joe Divola
Elaine: Is he stalking you? are you kidding me?
Jerry: That madman is trying to kill me.
Elaine: Oh, Jerry, why didn't you tell me his name! Oh my god, he accused me of seeing someone else, he said tell me his name, he said tell me his name!!
Jerry: Oh! He said that! Can you imagine what he'll do if he sees me with you! He'll think I?m the one who ruined his deal at NBC and took away his girl, he'll put a kibosh on me!
Elaine: Oooohh, what about me!
Joe Divola: Excuse me
Elaine & Jerry: Aaahhhhh!!
George: But this is Pavarotti!
Man#3: Three hundred dollars, that?s a lot of money.
Mr Reichman: You know Steven Holstman (?) did a production at Tunis last yeas and from what I understand, the Moslems really took to it.
George: All right, I?ll tell you what, you seem like a nice guy, let?s stop jerking around. Give me.. two hundred and fifty dollars, I?ve got people waiting for me, I've got to get the hell out of here.
Mr Reichman: Scalping! I told them to put out extra security.. Excuse me.
George: Hey pop, would you buzz off, I've got something cooking.
Mr Reichman: Costanza!?
George: Mr Reichman?
Mr Reichman: You've still got a mouth like a surd give me those tickets.
Mrs Reichman: Harold, no, Harold, Harold be careful of you're hair transplant!
Joe Divola: Anything is welcome, I accept change.
Jerry: I don't have anything, I gave it to that guy.
Joe Divola: You know, you could just say no, you don't have to humiliate me. I may be dressed as a clown but I am a person.
Jerry: I'm telling you, the guy took...
Joe Divola: And I don't need people like you looking down their noses at me. I am just a street performer out here trying to make enough to get by.
Mrs Reichman: Doctor! Doctor! Is there a doctor anywhere!
Joe Divola: What, are you showing off to your girlfriend here, is that it?
Elaine: I'm not his girlfriend. We dated for a while, but things didn't really work out.
Joe Divola: You people make me sick.
Jerry: That is one angry clown!
Jerry: The hardest part about being a clown, it seems to me, would be that you're constantly referred to as a clown. "Who was that clown?", "I'm not working with that clown, did you hire that clown?", "The guy's a clown!". How do you even start into being a clown, how do you know that you want to be a clown, I guess you get to a point where you're pants look so bad, it's actually easier to become a clown than having the proper alterations done. Because if you think about it, a clown, if there isn't a circus around them, is really just a very annoying person. You're in the back seat of this guys Volkswagen, "What, you're picking somebody else up? Oh man!"
Jerry: (Singing) Camera, curtains, lights - This is it, we'll hit the heights - Oh what heights we'll hit - On with the show this is it!
Elaine: You know, it is so sad, all your knowledge of high culture comes from bugs bunny cartoons.
Jerry: Oh there's that clown again, what does he want from me. Look I?m serious, I?m not kidding, I don't have the quarter, that guy took it.
Joe Divola: I don't want any money.
Elaine: I smell cherry.
Joe Divola: It's Binaca.
Jerry: Binaca?
George: What did we say? Two seventy-five?
Man#3: Two fifty.
George: Two fifty? Are you sure
Man#3: Yeah, yeah, I?m sure.
George: All right, all right, two fifty.
Susan: George!
George: S-Susan
Susan: I can't believe it, I?m so glad I caught you.
George: What are you doing here, I though you were going to the airport.
Susan: Oh, there was some problem with the plane, they landed in Philadelphia.
George: So what, they don?t have another plane? She couldn't take a bus?
Susan: She's coming in tomorrow. I made it!
George: Yeah you made it, how about that.
Susan: Oh, I?m so excited, now we get to see the opera together.
George: We get to go to the opera together!
Susan: Who's that?
George: That?s-that?s-Harry Fong, he's a very good friend of mine and he's a big opera buff. Enjoy the show there harry!... You know what.
Jerry: Come on, you gotta let us in
Usher: Not without tickets.
Jerry: We have tickets, we just don't have 'em with us.
Usher: Well that?s a problem. Excuse me.
Jerry: You don't understand, someone's after us, a crazy clown is trying to kill us.
Usher: A crazy clown is after you? Oh that?s rich. Now clear the entrance so people with tickets can get through.
Jerry&Elaine: We're with him, we're with him.
Kramer: Are you guys ready?
Jerry&Elaine: Yeah, Yeah!!
Kramer: Have you seen George?
Jerry: We thought he was with you.
Elaine: Come on, he's on his own, come on!
Kramer: These are great seats huh?
Elaine: Yeah
Kramer: Yeah
Jerry: Boy, some cast, huh? Pavarotti, Aver Martone.
Elaine: Aver Martone. I've heard of her, who's she playing?
Jerry: She's playing, Pagliacci?s wife, Nedda.
Elaine: Nedda?
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: Oh my god..
Man#3: Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
Jerry: Susan! What are you doing here?
Susan: My Friend's flight couldn?t make it.
Jerry: Where's George?
Man#3: I got his ticket.
Susan: He decided not to come. He said he was uncomfortable.
Jerry: Uncomfortable? How does you think I feel?.. Hey let me ask you something, how much did you pay for that ticket?
Man#3: One seventy-five.
Jerry: Kramer, who'd you sell your ticket to?
Kramer: Some nut in a clown suit!
Jerry: I had some friends drag me to an opera recently, you know how they've got those little opera glasses, you know, do you really need binoculars, I mean how big do these people have to get before you can spot 'em. These opera kids they're going two-fifty, two-eighty, three-twenty-five, they're wearing big white woolly vests, the women have like the breastplates, the bullet hats with the horn coming out. If you can't pick these people out, forget opera, think about optometry, maybe that?s more you're thing.


Jerry: We're dead.
George: We're not dead.
Jerry: We are dead.
George: Come on. We got all day tomorrow to come up with a story.
Jerry: All day tomorrow? We had a month and a half to come up with something and we didn't do anything.
George: So we'll do it tomorrow.
Jerry: Let me ask you something. When's the last time you went skiing?
George: About six years ago.
Jerry: I think you can take the lift ticket off your jacket now.
George: Women like skiers.
Jerry: So what? You can't meet anybody. You're going on with Susan.
George: Yeah. Right.
Jerry: Hey, see those two women over there? I almost dated the one on the right. She's in the closet business.
George: The closet business? What's the closet business?
Jerry: What is it your business?
George: I'm interested.
Jerry: She reorganizes your closet and shows you how to maximize your closet space. She looked into my closet.
George: So you thought she was good looking and figured this would be a good way to meet her.
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Yeah. So what happened?
Jerry: So, she mentioned she had a boyfriend and then it hit me. What do I need more closet space for? (Across the room) Hi, Marla.
Marla: (Walks over to Jerry and George) Jerry.
Jerry: George, Marla.
George: Marla.
Marla: George. Jerry, Stacey.
Jerry: Stacey.
Stacey: Jerry.
Jerry: George, Stacey.
George: Stacey.
Stacey: George.
Jerry: George.
George: Jerry. Marla. (Realizing Jerry's cue) Stacey! (Walks over to Stacey)
Marla: So, how was your trip to Berlin?
Jerry: Trip to Berlin?
Marla: Remember? That's why you put off doing the closets. You said you were going to Berlin for a while.
Jerry: Oh, right, right.
Marla: The wall had just come down, and you told me you wanted to be part of the celebration.
Jerry: Yes, yes, I did. But, you know, I was watching it on CNN, and they covered it so well I thought, "Why knock my brains out?"
Marla: You, know my boyfriend went.
Jerry: Really?
Marla: Yes, I told him all about you going and he got all excited and decided to go.
Jerry: Oh, did he like it?
Marla: I don't know. He never came back. (Over to the other side of the bar)
George: Anyway, we met with NBC about a month ago and they gave us the green light to go ahead and write a pilot. In fact, we got a big meeting with them tomorrow. They gotta approve of the story before we can write.
Stacey: Wow, what a great job. A writer.
George: Not a bad way to make a buck.
Stacey: Sounds great.
George: Well, I'll tell you, Stacey. It's a lot of hard work. But, it comes fairly easy to me. Some people write symphonies. This is my gift. (Raises ski lift ticket while Stacey looks away)
Jerry: So, are you gonna go out with her?
George: I might.
Jerry: What about Susan?
George: What? I'm not married. I'm not allowed to go out with somebody else?
Jerry: Depends.
George: Depends on what?
Jerry: On many factors.
George: Like what?
Jerry: Well, how long you've been seeing her. What's your phone call frequency? Are you on a daily?
George: No. Semi-daily. Four or five times a week.
Jerry: What about Saturday nights? Do you have to ask her out, or is a date implied?
George: Implied.
Jerry: She got anything in your medicine cabinet?
George: There might be some moisturizer.
Jerry: Ah hah. Let me ask you this. Is there any tampax in your house?
George: (Pause) Yeah.
Jerry: Well, I'll tell you what you've got here.
George: What?
Jerry: You got yourself a girlfriend.
George: Ah, no, no. Are you sure? A girlfriend?
Jerry: I'm looking at a guy in a semi-daily with tampax in his house and an implied date on Saturday night. I would like to help you out, but...
George: Would you believe my luck? The first time in my life I have a good answer to the question, "What do you do?" and I have a girlfriend. I mean, you don't need a girlfriend when you can answer that question. That's what you say in order to get girlfriends. Once you can get a girlfriend, you don't want a girlfriend, you just want more girlfriends.
Jerry: You're going to make a good father someday.
George: Well it's not fair, Jerry. It's just not fair. All right, all right. That's it. I'm getting out of this thing.
Jerry: Fine. Break up with her. But you know what this means?
George: No, what?
Jerry: The script, the pilot, the TV show. That's all over.
George: Why? What do you mean?
Jerry: Figure it out. She's one of the executives at NBC that's gonna make the decision whether or not they pick up the show. She's one of our biggest fans. You drop her off, you think they're gonna pick us up?
George: Oh, right. Oh no, man.
Jerry: you know, it's a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that can get you girls. But, you also have a relationship. But if you try and get rid of the relationship so you can get the girls, you lose the job. You see the irony?
George: Yeah, yeah. I see the irony. All right. What about this? What if I can find some way to break up with her so that she'll still like me and it doesn't affect the deal.
Jerry: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah.
George: Wait, wait. Here me out. Don't dismiss this. You're very quick to dismiss. Don't dismiss. She's got a big crush on David Letterman, I mean, a big crush. She talks about him all the time. Suppose I go up to David Letterman. He works at NBC; I work at NBC. I explain my situation. He agrees to meet her. They go out, they fall madly in love. And she dumps me for David Letterman.
Jerry: This is your plan?
George: No, no. I'm just thinking.
Jerry: I don't think you are.
Marla: Let me tell you what I think.
Jerry: Please, and be brutal. I have no closet sensitivity.
Marla: Are you very fussy about your pants?
Jerry: I don't think I am.
Marla: Because I have a very radical idea. Can you handle it?
Jerry: Try me.
Marla: Here's what I'm proposing. We eliminate all this. The hangers, the bar, the shelves. And in its place install a series of hooks. We'll put everything on hooks.
Jerry: Everything?
Marla: Everything. The shirts, pants, sport jackets, pajamas. We could get eighty hooks on here.
Jerry: You're quite mad, you know. (Kramer enters) Oh, I don't believe this. (Goes into other room) Hey?
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: What are you doing?
Kramer: I'm watching The Bold and the Beautiful.
Jerry: No.
Kramer: What?
Jerry: This is not a good time.
Kramer: Five minutes. What?
Jerry: What did you have to give your TV away to George for?
Kramer: Because I've been watching too much. It was an addiction. I couldn't stop. It was, it was destroying my brain cells.
Jerry: Yeah, but now you're in here all the time. (Marla enters from other room)
Kramer: Well, wow.
Jerry: Marla, Kramer.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Why don't you go out? It's nice out.
Kramer: Oh, no. There's nothing out there for me.
Jerry: There's weather.
Kramer: Weather? I don't need weather. Weather doesn't do it for me.
Jerry: I'm tellin' George to give you your TV back.
Kramer: No, no, I don't want it back. (Pause) Are you gonna watch the Knick game tonight?
Jerry: I don't know.
Kramer: Will you tape it?
Jerry: Kramer... (points to Marla)
Kramer: Yeah. (He exits)
Jerry: So your boyfriend never came back from Berlin.
Marla: Never came back.
Jerry: Oh, you must have been devastated being left for a wall.
Marla: It was about to end anyway. There was this... problem.
Jerry: Ah hah. (Buzzer) Excuse me one second. Yeah?
Elaine: It's me.
Jerry: Come on up. Oh, it's Elaine, she's just a friend of mine. I don't know what she's doing here now. (Buzzer) I'm sorry. What?
Elaine: I didn't get it.
Jerry: Ugh. So you were saying there was this problem.
Marla: Well, he wanted me to move in with him.
Jerry: Snapple?
Marla: No thanks.
Jerry: Go on.
Marla: Well I wouldn't move in because...
Jerry: Yes.
Marla: Well because...
Jerry: Yeah.
Marla: Well because I'm a virgin. (Elaine enters)
Elaine: Hello!
Jerry: Hi, um. Marla, Elaine.
Elaine: I'm sorry, I didn't know you had company. I just wanted to return your tape.
Jerry: Oh, thanks a lot, two weeks late. Now that costs me thirty-five dollars to see Havana.
Elaine: I'm sorry, I really am. I just kept forgetting.
Marla: I should be going.
Elaine: No, no, I'm leaving.
Jerry: I like that thing in your hair there.
Elaine: Oh yeah? This woman was selling them at this crazy party I was at last night. You'll appreciate this. Snapple?
Marla: No thanks.
Elaine: I was talking to this guy, you know, and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa. And my diaphragm goes flying out. So I just froze, you know, ahh! Staring at my diaphragm. You know, it's just lying there. So then, this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing, she grabbed it before the guy noticed, so. I mean, big deal, right? So I carry around my diaphragm, who doesn't? Yeah, like it's a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. You never know when you're gonna need it, right? (Sips the Snapple) Ahh.
Marla: I should be going.
Jerry: So we'll talk about the hooks then?
Marla: Yes. (She exits)
Elaine: What? Was it something I said?
Jerry: She's a virgin, she just told me.
Elaine: Well I didn't know.
Jerry: Well it's not like spotting a toupee.
Elaine: Well you think I should say something? Should I say something? Should I apologize? Was I being anti-virgin?
Jerry: No, no, I mean...
Elaine: 'Cause I'm not anti-virgin. I'll be right back. (She leaves)
Jerry: Elaine, Elaine... (Buzzer) Yeah?
George: It's George.
George: She's a virgin?
Jerry: A virgin.
George: Wow. So what're you gonna do?
Jerry: I don't know. I'm very attracted to her. That accent, it's so sexy.
George: I don't think I could do it. You know, they always remember the first time. I don't want to be remembered. I wanna be forgotten.
Jerry: You need a little pioneer spirit. You know, you don't have any of that Lewis and Clark in you.
George: You know, sometimes those guys don't make it back. (Looks in fridge) I'm really hungry.
Jerry: Yeah, me too.
George: We gotta get something. I don't want to go to that meeting on an empty stomach. Let's get some Chinese. You wanna order it?
Jerry: All right, but then we gotta get some work done. Let me just call Kramer, see if want anything. (Calls) Hey, we ordering Chinese food. If you want anything- (Kramer enters quickly) let me know what it is and I'll order for you.
Kramer: I'm in. Let's go for it.
George: What do you want?
Kramer: I don't care, whatever.
George: I'll tell you what. Why don't we just get a couple of dishes and we'll just share 'em.
Kramer: Okay. What are you getting?
George: I'm gonna get a Chow Fung.
Kramer: What's a Chow Fung?
George: It's a broad noodle.
Kramer: What do you mean, a broad noodle?
George: It's a big flat noodle.
Kramer: Well I don't want a big flat noodle.
George: What kind of noodle do you want?
Kramer: Who says I want a noodle?
George: All right, look. I'm getting the Chow Fung. You don't have to have any.
Kramer: All right. I'll get pea pods and you can't have any of my pea pods.
George: Fine.
Kramer: Get extra MSG.
Elaine: Look, Marla. This whole sex thing is totally overrated. Now, here's the one thing you've gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it's over. I mean, something happens to their personality it's really quite astounding. It's like they committed a crime and they want to flee the scene before the police get there.
Marla: So they just leave?
Elaine: Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Well, the smart ones start working on their getaway stories during dinner. How, you know, they gotta get up early tomorrow. What is about being up early? They all turn into farmers suddenly.
Marla: Wow. It must be pretty good to put up with all that.
Elaine: Eh.
Jerry: All right, let's go. We don't have much time before the meeting.
George: Where's the food? What happened to Ping?
Jerry: Don't worry, he'll be here. Look, we only got about two hours. We just need to come up with one good story so we can get through this meeting. (Buzzer) There's your food.
George: Hey, what about this? I'm in a car accident. The motorist is uninsured, you with me?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: My car's totaled. It's all his fault and now, he has absolutely no money. There is no way that he can pay me. So the judge decrees that he becomes my butler.
Jerry: Your butler?
George: Right. He cooks my food, he cleans my house, he does all my shopping for me. And there you go, that's your program.
Jerry: What about me?
George: Don't worry, we'll find something for you. (Knock of Jerry's door)
Jerry: (Getting the door) That's the stupidest idea I ever heard. Sentenced to be a butler. (Elaine, Marla, and an injured Ping are at the door) Ping, what happened?
Elaine: There was a bit of an accident.
Ping: Head hurts. Head really hurts.
Jerry: What happened?
Elaine: Marla and I went out for coffee and afterwards I was crossing the street and he was biking right towards me. So I got out of the way just in time, but then he ran into a parked car. He hit his head and everything went flying.
George: Something happened to the food?
Ping: I only saved one bag.
Jerry: Should I call an ambulance? Do you wanna see a doctor?
Marla: I'll get some ice.
George: (After looking in the bag) The pea pods? All you saved was the pea pods? (Kramer enters)
Kramer: Hey, you got the food?
Jerry: Yeah, here.
Kramer: What took you so long? Hey, Ping!
Ping: Kramer. (Kramer and George sit on the couch)
Kramer: Yeah. Where's yours?
George: He dropped it.
Kramer: Oh, that's too bad.
Elaine: You should slow down, you know that? It's dangerous to go that fast.
Ping: No, no. I have green light. You jaywalked.
Kramer: (To Jerry) Hey, you watchin' Oprah?
Elaine: (To Ping) I did not jaywalk.
Jerry: (To George) You're givin' him back that TV.
Ping: (To Elaine) Yes, you jaywalked.
Kramer: (To Jerry) No, I don't want it back.
Ping: (To Elaine) Jaywalker. I could slap suit on you.
George: (To Jerry) We got work to do. What about the meeting?
Kramer: (To himself) Hey, look. An hour with Patrick Swayze.
Jerry: A month and a half we had. We did nothing. I can't believe we put it off until today and then we couldn't do anything because Elaine runs out to apologize to a virgin, crosses against a light, and knocks over a Chinese delivery boy. Now we're gonna make fools of ourselves, we got nothing. You're not even in show business. I gotta reputation. You drag me into the sewer with you. I've been on TV buddy boy. You know how fast word spreads in show business? It's like that (Snaps in George's face) , like that! One bad impression, you're outta the business!
George: All right, let's postpone it. Let's get out of here.
Jerry: What do you mean? They know we're here.
George: I'll fake an illness. (Acts it out) My back! My back! I can't believe, my back.
Jerry: No, no, would you get up?
George: I can do this, Jerry.
Jerry: No.
George: All right, I'll tell them my sister died. (Starts fake crying) My poor sister died. She was standing and then she was laughing and then they SHOT her! That's the kind of sick city that we're livin' in. They shoot you for laughing. I must go and comfort my poor family. Jerry, take me home so I can comfort my... my poor family.
Jerry: What?
George: That's David Letterman. I just saw David Letterman walk by. I'll be right back. (He exits)
Woman: Mr. Seinfeld, they're ready for you. (She exits)
Jerry: Yes, I was very wise to hitch my wagon to his star. (Jerry enters meeting)
Man #1: Hey, Jerry.
Jerry: Hi, how are you doing? Nice to see you all here. Hello.
Rita: Hello, Jerry. I'm Rita Kearson.
Jerry: Oh, uh, nice to meet you. Where's Russell?
Rita: He, uh, had to go to LA. There's a problem on the set of Blossom.
Jerry: Oh, poor Blossom. (He sits)
Rita: Anyway, he asked me to sit in for him.
Man #2: Where's George?
Jerry: Oh, he ran to say something to David Letterman.
Susan: David Letterman's on the floor?
Jerry: Yeah, he just walked by.
Rita: Well, I think we should get started anyway.
Jerry: Yeah, good idea.
Rita: So how are you guys comin' along?
Jerry: Good, good, we've got a lot of ideas.
Rita: Good. (Pause)
Jerry: Have you ever been to a Chinese restaurant and they tell you it'll be, like, five minutes for a table and you wind up waitin' there for, like, thirty minutes? Well, we thought it would be very funny to do an entire show where all you're doin' is waitin' for the table. (They don't seem to like it) Because we've all been in that situation. You know, you're waiting... and you're hungry... and you bump into somebody you know... When is Russell coming back?
Rita: So that's the idea?
Jerry: Well no, that's one. We have many others. We have an idea where, uh, I get into an accident with a guy who has no insurance and the judge sentences him to be my butler. (Everyone laughs) You know he cooks for me, he has to cook for me... He cleans my house, he's doin' my shopping, you know? I'm walkin' around with one of those big neck collars.
Man #2: Those collars are funny!
Man #1: Once you see someone in those collars you start laughing immediately. (George enters)
George: You tellin' 'em about the butler story? Is that beautiful or what? Hey, sorry I'm late. (Looks at Rita) Russell?
Rita: I'm Rita Kearson.
George: Oh, Rita. Hey, Mr. Shermack, how're you doing, good to see you. Jay, always a pleasure. (To Susan) Sweetie. (Kisses her and then sits down next to Jerry) Yeah, yeah, that butler idea, that's beautiful. Isn't that killer? (Aside to Jerry) I thought I was getting the butler.
Jerry: Don't worry, uh, we'll find something for you.
Jerry: So Letterman didn't spark to your idea, huh?
George: No, he said there was nothing he could do, and next time I should probably break the Prozacs in half.
Kramer: You, you guys wanna hold it down? I'm watchin' Jeopardy.
Jerry: Would you give him the TV back?
Kramer: Oh, by the way, George. Susan called for you a minute ago.
George: I bet they're probably doing summersaults about us over there. You think they get butler stories like that everyday? (He calls Susan)
Kramer: (To the TV) Who is Joseph Cotton? Giddee up!
Susan: Hello?
George: Hi, it's me. It's Georgie Boy. What's going on?
Susan: What's going on? What's going on? I'll tell you what's going on. I'm fired!
George: Fired? Why?
Susan: Because you kissed me. You kissed me, you stupid idiot! Rita called Russell and he fired me over the phone.
Kramer: (To the TV) What is pi? Ooh! Giddee up again.
George: But I had no... I didn't realize.
Susan: You didn't realize? How could you not realize? You're stupid! You're a stupid, stupid man!
George: I just feel terrible This is just terrible.
Kramer: (To the TV once again) What is the cha-cha? Ooh, yes indeed.
Susan: I'll speak to you later.
George: (Hangs up phone and pauses) this is great! He fired her! This is incredible, he fired her. I'm out, baby! I'm out!
Jerry: Why did he fire her?
George: Because I kissed her in the meeting. Russell found out, he fired her over the phone. Finally, my stupidity pays off!
Kramer: What is here comes the judge, here comes the judge!
Jerry: You can't break up with her now. Her life is shattered. You got her fired. You gotta be there for her.
George: What?
Jerry: You gotta at least wait until she gets another job.
George: Another job?
Jerry: Couple of interviews.
George: Oh, this is unbelievable. I'm stuck. Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in.
Marla: Are you gonna leave after its over? You know, if we have sex.
Jerry: What? Leave? Where? Why?
Marla: You know, the apartment.
Jerry: Why would I leave? This is my apartment.
Marla: Well what if it was my apartment?
Jerry: Who gave you this idea I would wanna leave?
Marla: Well Elaine said men like to leave after it's over.
Jerry: Listen, I wouldn't put too much stock into what Elaine has to say about relationships. She comes from a broken home, and I mean that literally. A tree fell on her roof and cracked the whole structure. Her parents got along beautifully, but her house was in bad shape.
Marla: Maybe I should get going.
Jerry: What else did you say to her?
Elaine: Nothin'. I was just givin' her the straight dope.
Jerry: More like a dope was giving it to her straight. Another cup of coffee with you, she'll wind up in a convent.
Elaine: Listen, there was a lot more I could've told her, believe me.
Jerry: What is that about leaving after sex? Did I ever leave with you?
Elaine: You might've if I'd stayed. So you know what? I got served with papers today. Ping is suing me. I need your virgin as a witness. You better be nice to her.
Jerry: I was trying to be.
Elaine: Look at George. (On the other side of the restaurant) He lucked out, huh?
Jerry: Oh, you're not kiddin'. Who'd 've figured Susan would break up with him? They had a good thing going.
Elaine: Yeah, since she met him she's been vomited on, her family cabin's been burned down, she learned her father's a homosexual, and she got fired from a high paying network job. Yeah, they had a real good thing going.
George: What do I do? Well actually, I'm a writer. In fact, I'm writing a comedy pilot for NBC right now.
Woman: A sitcom? How can you write that crap? Carol, this guy's writing a sitcom.
Carol: A sitcom? Come on, let's go. (They leave)
Woman: A sitcom. Can you imagine? And he actually tried to use it to hit on me!