[Setting: Monk's Coffee shop]
Jerry: (To Elaine) Let me ask you a question.
Elaine: Mm-hm.
Jerry: You're a hostage, captured by terrorists-
Elaine: (Smiling, chewing) Who, me?
Jerry: You, anybody - whatever. You're in the little room, you're chained to the floor, you're there for a long time.. do you think they would ever consider doing the laundry?
Elaine: (Matter-of-factly) They have to, it's in the Geneva Convention.
Kramer: (Imitating a Turkish terrorist) You! Take off your socks, your pants, your underwear. We're doing the wash. C'mon! Take it off, take it off!
Kramer: Hey, Georgie.
Jerry And Elaine: Hi.
Jerry: (To George) What's the matter?
George: (Slowly shakes his head) My mother caught me.
Jerry: "Caught" you? Doing what?
George: You know. (All three give him blank stares) I was alone..
Elaine: (Making a face of surprise) You mean..?!
George: (Nods) Uh-huh.
Kramer: (Laughing) She caught you?
Jerry: Where?
George: (Not really wanting to embellish) ..I stopped by the house to drop the car off, and I went inside for a few minutes.. Nobody was there - they're supposed to be working. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other - enjoying the story) My mother had a Glamour magazine, I started leafing through it..
Jerry: "Glamour"?
George: ..So, one thing lead to another..
Jerry: So, what did she do?
George: First she screams, "George, what are you doing?! My God!" And it looked like she was gonna faint - she started clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it.
Krmaer: (Reflecting on the story so far) Man..
George: I didn't know whether to try and keep her from falling, or zip up.
Jerry: What did you do?
George: I zipped up!
Elaine: (Wide-eyed) So, she fell?
George: Yeah. (Noticing this makes him out to be the bad kid, he gets defensive) Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was!
Elaine: No, I guess you couldn't have..
Jerry: (In the middle of Elaine's sentence, smiling) No, I wouldn't think so.
Elaine: (Finishing it off) ..done that.
George: So, she fell, and then she started screaming, "My back! My back!" So, I picked her up and took her to the hospital.
Elaine: (Between chuckles) How is she?
George: (Somewhat angered) She's in traction.
Elaine: (Still laughing) Ok, I'm sorry.
George: It's not funny, Elaine.
Elaine: (Stifling her laughter) I know. I'm sorry. I'm serious.
George: Her back went out. She's gotta be there for a couple of days. All she said on the way over in the car was, "Why, George, why?!".. I said, "Because it's there!"
Jerry: "Glamour"?
George: (Vowing) Well, I'll tell you this, though - I am never doing.. that , again.
Elaine: What, you mean, in your mother's house, or all together?
George: (Definite) All together.
Elaine: Oh, gimme a break..
Jerry: (Skeptical) Ohhh yeah.. right.
Kramer: Oh, like you're gonna stop?
Jerry And Elaine: C'mon..
George: You don't think I can?
Jerry: No chance.
George: (Daring) You think you could?
Jerry: Well, I know I could hold out longer than you.
George: Care to make it interesting?
Jerry: Sure, how much?
George: A hundred dollars.
Jerry: (Pointing) You're on.
Kramer: (Butting in) Wait a second, wait a second. Count me in on this. (Clicks his tongue)
Jerry: You?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: You'll be out before we get the check.
Elaine: (Smiling) I want to be in on this, too.
George And Jerry: (Rejecting) Ohh, no. No, no, no..
Elaine: Why?
Jerry: (Showing difference) It's apples and oranges..
Elaine: What? Why? (More 'no, no, no's from Jerry and George. Persistent) Why?
Jerry: Because you're a woman!
Elaine: So what?
Jerry: It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man.
Elaine: (Sarcastic) Oh.
Jerry: We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like, uh.. shaving.
Elaine: Oh, that is such bologna. I shave my legs.
Kramer: (Making a point) Not everyday.
George: Alright, look, you want to be in?
Elaine: Yeah!
George: You gotta give us odds. At least two to one - you gotta put up two-hundred dollars.
Kramer: No, a thousand!
Elaine: No, I'll - I'll put up one-fifty.
George: Alright, you're in for one-fifty.
Jerry: (Nodding) Okay, one-fifty.
George: Alright, now, how are we gonna monitor this thing?
Jerry: Well, obviously, we all know each other very well, (Elaine slightly laughs) I'm sure that we'll all feel comfortable within the confines of the honor system.
Kramer: Alright. (Holds out his pinkie at the center of the table)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
George: (Stern) No, ma, I'm not gonna see a psychiatrist. N- I don't care if you do pay for it! No! Discussion over. Yeah, alright, I'll see you later. Yes, of course I'm gonna come by. Alright. (Hangs up, slamming it down on the coffee table. He sits down next to Jerry) My mother wants me to see a psychiatrist now. Why?! Because she caught me? (Scoffs, shaking his head) You know, if everyone who did that had to go see a psychiatrist.. (Laughing, he snorts)
Jerry: (Waits for the rest of the sentence) ..Yeah?
George: (Defensively) Whatever.
Jerry: How is she?
George: (Shrugging it off) She'll be fine. I gotta go to the hospital to see her tonight.
Jerry: (Answering to the intercom) Yeah?
Elaine: It's me.
Jerry: Come on up. (Lets her in by unlocking the front door)
George: Hey, what are you doing tonight?
Jerry: (Opens his door slightly for Elaine) Dating Marla.
George: Oh, the virgin?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Any, uh.. progress, there? What's the latest?
Jerry: Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.
Kramer: Hey, look at this, c'mere. There's a naked woman across the street.
Jerry: Where?
Kramer: Second floor from the top. (Pointing) See the window on the left?
George: (In awe) Wow!
Jerry: (Also amazed) Who walks around the house like that?!
George: (Suggesting) Maybe she's a nudist. You know, those nudist colony people..
Kramer: ..Yeah.. (Pause) yeah.. (Slowly stands up, and walks out Jerry's apartment - leaving Jerry and George with the view, he shuts the door behind him)
Jerry: Hey, let me ask you a question. In these nudist colonies, do they eat naked in the dining room?
George: I would imagine it's all naked.
Jerry: What about the chamber maids? Are they naked, too?
George: (Still focused on the nudist) They're naked, the gardeners naked.. the bellhops. (Jerry makes a noise of astonishment) One big nude-a-rama.
Elaine: Hey.
Jerry And George: (Only turning back for a second) Hey.
Elaine: Well, (Smiling) where's my money? Who caved?
Jerry: (Over his shoulder) Not me.
George: (Also, over his shoulder) Not me.
Elaine: What're you looking at?
Jerry: There's a naked woman across the street.
Elaine: (Smiling, chuckling) This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life. (Moving on to a new topic) So, my fried, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics class. I'm gonna go tonight.
Jerry: (Commenting) Yeah.. the - the waitress should've taken it back.
Elaine: (Realizes Jerry and George aren't paying attention) So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' to Mars.
Jerry: (Still staring at the woman) Uh-huh.
George: Have a good time.
Kramer: (Declaring) I'm out!
Elaine: What?!
Kramer: Yeah, I'm out - I'm out of the contest.
George: You're out?!
Kramer: Yeah, yeah.. (Notes their reactions) what?
Elaine: Well, that was fast!
Jerry: Well, it was that woman across the street. (To Jerry) You know, you better be careful, buddy. She's gonna get you next. (Walks out, shutting the door behind him)
Elaine: ..And then there were three.
[Setting: Hospital room]
Estelle: I don't understand you. I really don't. You have nothing better to do at three o' clock in the afternoon? I go out for a quart of milk, I come home, and find my son treating his body like it was an amusement park!
George: (Stern, trying to shut her up) Ma.
Estelle: Don't give me "Ma". It's a good thing I didn't hit the table. I could of cracked my head open.
George: Ma, people can hear you.
Estelle: (Heavy in sarcasm) Too bad you can't do that for a living. You'd be very successful at it. You could sell out Madison Square Garden. Thousands of people could watch you! You could be a big star!
George: (Getting up) Alright, Ma, that's enough!
Estelle: I want you to go see a psychiatrist.
George: No! I am not going to see a psychiatrist!
Estelle: Why? Why not?! Why won't you go?
George: (Like a kid) Because I don't want to.
Estelle: I want you to go see somebody.
George: Well, I am not going.
Estelle: It's a good thing your father's in Chicago.
Shelly: Hello, Aunt Estelle. Look at you - how did this happen?
George: (Snapping) Is that important, really? What is this, a police investigation? The woman's been through enough. She has to relive the experience now?!
Nurse: Hi, Denise. Six-thirty, time for your sponge bath.
Denise: Mmm.. is it six-thirty already? I fell asleep.
Shelly: (Seems not to notice what's going on beyond the divider) So, George, what are you doing now? I hear you got some kinda television, writing - thing?
George: (Slowly backing away, he's not at all committed to the conversation) Yeah.. television.
Nurse: Let me help you out with that. Here, just slip it over your head..
Denise: Oh.. thank you.
Shelly: (Nodding) Well, it's about time. We thought you were gonna wind up on the street. (As the bath is going on, George is now completely mesmerized) What is it you're doing, exactly?
Estelle: George, you're cousin, Shelly, is talking to you!
[Setting: New York Health Club]
Joyce: So, when was the last time you took a class?
Elaine: Oh, it's been a while.
Joyce: (Overly excited) Are you psyched?
Elaine: (Fake excitement) Yeah. yeah, I'm really.. psyched.
Joyce: Well, you're gonna thank me for getting you in here.
Elaine: Why is that?
Joyce: (Pointing, she directs Elaine's attention off-camera) See the guy with the dark hair and the red shorts?
Elaine: (Between breaths) Oh, my God. (Joyce nods) John F. Kennedy Junior's here!
Joyce: He's gonna be in your class today.
Elaine: (Still unable to speak right) In my class? John Kennedy's gonna be in my class?!
Joyce: I can get you a spot right behind him. He has got a great butt.
Elaine: Yeah. Butt. Butt. Great butt. John-John's butt.
[Setting: Jerry's car]
Marla: Let's slow it down a little.
Jerry: "Slow it down"?
Marla: Well, (Reminding him of her virginity) You know..
Jerry: Ah, yeah.. I know.
Marla: You're okay with that, right?
Jerry: Yeah, yeah.. of course. What, do you think I care about the sex? What kind of person do you think I am? That doesn't mean anything to me. (Faint) I don't care about that.
Marla: So, I'll see you Saturday night, then?
Jerry: (Smiling, nodding) Sure, Saturday night.
Marla: Alright, then. Good night.
Jerry: Goodnight. (She gets out. Jerry leans forward, adding) Not just a good night - a great night. (She shuts the door, he waves)
[Setting: Jerry's bedroom]
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Kramer: (Singing) Goood Moorrrnninng!
Jerry: (Out of it) Yeah, good morning.
Kramer: Ha, ha! Nothing like some good solid sack time. (Turns toward Jerry's window)
Jerry: She's not there. She's doin' her wash.
Kramer: (Turning back to Jerry) Oh. So, did you make it through the night?
Jerry: (Over the top) Yes, I'm proud to say I did!
Kramer: So, you're still master of your domain.
Jerry: (Nodding) Yes. Yes I am. (Kramer chuckles) Master of my domain. But I will tell you this I am going over to (Gestures to the nudist) her apartment, and I'm tellin' her to put those shades down!
Kramer: Woah, woah, woah. What-what did you just say?
Jerry: I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I' here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest - something's gotta give!
Kramer: Do you hear what you're saying?! Can you hear it?! (Jerry puts on his coat) This is a beautiful woman walking around naked, and you want to tell her to stop?! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! I mean, think comprehens- I'm not gonna let you do it.
Jerry: (Persistent) Well, I'm doin' it, get out of my way.
Kramer: (Stopping him) No, no, no, no. You can't! You can't! This is something that comes about once in a lifetime! When we were boys, looking through our bedroom windows, we would think "Why can't there be a woman out there, taking her clothes off?" And now that wish's come true, and you want to (Makes a noise) throw it away?!
Jerry: Look, I'm sorry-
Kramer: No, I'm not gonna let you do it, Jerry.
Jerry: Kramer, (Trying to pass him) get outta my way!
Kramer: (Frantic) No, no, no. Don't do it. Don't do it! For my sake! God knows I don't ask you for much! (Pleading) Now, come on. Please, Jerry. Please! I'm beggin' ya! Please! (Claps hands) Come on! Please!
Jerry: Alright.. (Takes his coat off)
Kramer: Yes!
Jerry: ..Alright.
Kramer: (Moving to the window) Thank you, thank you, thank you. (Sits in Jerry's chair, looking out the window)
Jerry: She's not there!
Kramer: Oh, I can wait..
[Setting: Monk's Coffee shop]
Jerry: So the nurse was giving her a sponge bath?
George: Every night at six-thirty. The nurse was gorgeous.. then I got a look at the patient.. (Laughs, then snorts) I was going nuts.
Jerry: Oh, man. Well, I guess you'll be going back to that hospital.
George: (Fake sympathy) Well, my mother, Jerry..
Jerry: (Pointing) But are you still master of your domain?
George: (Arms out) I am king of the county. You?
Jerry: Lord of the manor.
Elaine: John F. Kennedy Jun-ya!
Jerry: What?
Elaine: (Smiling) He was in my aerobics class.
Jerry: Really? Did you talk to him?
Elaine: No, you don't understand - he was working out right in front of me. So, listen, after the class was over, I timed my walk to the door so we'd get there at the exact same moment, and he says to me, (Thinking the world of what he said) "Quite a workout."
George: "Quite a workout"? What did you say?
Elaine: (Smiling, proud) I said, "yeah."
Jerry: (Adding, fake praise) Good one.
Elaine: So then, listen, listen. So then, I showered and I dressed, and I saw him again, on the way out. (Giddy and nearly out of breath) So we're walkin' and talkin', and he asked me my name - and I think I said Elaine - but, I mean, who the hell knows.. And so then, he says to me "Do you wanna split a cab uptown?" And I said, "Sure" - even though I was going downtown. So, we get in the cab, and I mean, I have no idea where I'm goin', right? But this is John F. Kennedy Junior we're talkin' about! (Deep breath) So, then, he says to me, "Where do you live?" And I - and I - and I was close to your block, so I said your building. So he dropped me off in front, (Laughs) and I had to take a cab all the way back downtown to my house.. (Picks up a glass of cold water and presses it up to her forehead to cool her off) Oh, God..
Jerry: But the question is, are you still master of your domain?
Elaine: (Sets the glass down) I'm queen of the castle. (Pops a piece of food into her mouth)
[Setting: Estelle's hospital room]
Estelle: You're back.
George: Of course I'm back. Why wouldn't I be back? My mother's in the hospital, I'm going to pay her a visit.
Estelle: I know, but two days in a row? You didn't have to do this.
George: You're my mother! What wouldn't I do for you?
Estelle: You know what you could do? I haven't eaten lunch or dinner. I can't eat this hospital food. Maybe you could run down to the deli and get me a sandwich..
George: (Smiling) You got it, Ma. (She smiles back, nodding) A little later. (George sits back in a nearby chair, looking at the divider in anticipation)
Estelle: (Let down) Could you go now, George? I'm very hungry. I'm weak.
George: Well, wait a little while, Ma. What's the difference?
Estelle: I don't understand why you can't do this for me!
George: (Standing up) I just got here, Ma! I'd like to spend a little time with you.
Estelle: But if you wait, they won't let you back in! Visiting hours are almost over!
George: Ten minutes! Here, here, (Fishes a box of Tic-Tacs out of his coat pocket and tosses them to her) Have some Tic-Tacs.
Estelle: Get the hell outta here. (Angrily sets them aside) I'm sorry you came.
Nurse: (To patient) Six-thirty. Time for your sponge bath.
Estelle: George.. I'm huuunnnggry!
George: (Muttering, slow) Hang on, Ma.. hang on..
[Setting: New York Health Club]
Joyce: Hi!
Elaine: Hi.
Joyce: Did you get your hair done today?
Elaine: No, I just, uh, fixed it.. a little bit. (Still looking around, she quickly checks her breath)
Joyce: You know who - isn't here. He was in the early class today. (Elaine looses her composure) But I think you made quite an impression on him yesterday.
Elaine: (Regarding herself) What? What? Who? Me-me-me? I made an impression? What impression?
Joyce: Let me just put this back. (Turns to put a stack of shorts away)
Elaine: No! No! Now! Tell me now! What did he say?!
Joyce: (Uneasy) He asked about you.
Elaine: (Ecstatic) He asked about me? John Kennedy asked about me?! (Hangs off the side of the counter, both feet in the air) What did he say?
Joyce: He wanted to know your situation.
Elaine: (Quick) What situation? I have a situation?
Joyce: I-I told him you were single.
Elaine: That was good. That was very good.
Joyce: He said you were just his type.
Elaine: (Frank) Okay, you tryin' to hurt me? Are you tryin' to hurt - you're tryin' to injure me, right? You're trying to hurt me.
Joyce: He also told me to tell you that he'll be in your neighborhood tomorrow around nine o' clock - so he's gonna stop in front of your building if you want to come down and say hello.
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: Alright, Ma, I'll talk to you later.. Nothing, I'm, I'm watching, uh, Tiny Toons here, on Nickelodeon.. It's, I-I like kid shows. They have a very innocent, wholesome quality. Okay, alright, I'll talk to you later. Bye. (Hangs up)
Kramer: (Obviously watching the nudist across the street) Oh, that's good. That's good. That's very, very good. Oh, it's hot in there.. (Jerry looks back at Kramer in envy) It's hot in there. So, just walk around a little bit. Don't be ashamed, don't be ashamed.. that's good, that's good.. yes, yes, yes..
Jerry: (Trying to block out Kramer, he starts to sing along with the TV) The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus..
Kramer: The woman across the street has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on..
[Setting: George's room]
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
George: All you got is instant coffee? Why don't you get some real coffee?
Jerry: I don't keep real coffee in here, I get my coffee on the outside! (Intercom buzzes. He answers it) Yeah?!
Elaine: (Through intercom) It's Elaine.
Jerry: (Shouting) Come on up! (Opens his door for Elaine)
George: Where did you get those socks?
Jerry: I don't know.
George: I think those are my socks!
Jerry: How are these your socks?!
George: I don't know, but those are my socks! I had a pair just like that with the blue stripe, and now I don't have them anymore!
Jerry: (Sarcastic) Oh, yeah, that's right, well, you fell asleep one day on the sofa and I took them off your stinkin' feet. They looked so good to me, I just had to have them!
George: Yeah, well, they're my socks!
Jerry: They're my socks!
George: Oh boy..
Jerry: What are we doing here..
George: ..Oh boy.
Jerry: This is ridiculous.
George: Do you believe this? We're fighting. We're fighting.
Jerry: I haven't been myself lately. I've been snapping at everybody.
George: Me too. I've been yelling at strangers on the street.
Elaine: Hello.. (Pulls a wad of bills out of her purse, and starts to count it up)
George: (Shocked) You caved?!
Jerry: It's over?
George: You're out?
Jerry: Ohh-my-God. The Queen is dead.
George: I figured you'd cruise. At least through the Spring.
Jerry: What happened?
Elaine: It was..uh.. John-John.
Jerry And George: Ohhhhh.. John-John.
Jerry: But you made it through the day before.
Elaine: Yeah, but yesterday, he told Joyce, the aerobics teacher, that he wants to meet me outside here at nine o' clock tonight.
Jerry: Why outside here?
Elaine: Because he think I live here. Remember when we shared a cab, and he dropped me off out in front? He's picking me up.
Jerry: Alright, Costanza - it's just you and me.
George: And then, (Smacks the money) there were two.
Elaine: (Slowly) Elaine Benes Kennedy Junior..
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Marla: Let's go in the bedroom.
Jerry: Really?
Marla: Yes.
Jerry: You sure?
Marla: Yes.
Jerry: You really want to?
Marla: I do. I'm ready.
Jerry: Okay..
Marla: I know how difficult this must have been for you.
Jerry: (Chuckles) You don't know the half of it.
Marla: What do you mean?
Jerry: Well, it's kinda silly, but..
Marla: Contest?! A contest! This is what you do with your friends?
Jerry: No, it was just a bet. I mean, it actually started with George and his mother-
Marla: I don't want to hear another word. And to think how close I came to you being the one! I must have been out of my mind.
Elaine: Marla? Hi, oh, I'm glad I ran into you-
Marla: I don't want to have anything to do with you or your perverted friends. (Confused, Elaine moves closer) Ooohh, get away from me! You're horrible.
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Elaine: What happened?
Jerry: I told her about the contest.
Elaine: Ohh. Boy, she's a whack-o.
George: (To Elaine) Hey, what happened?
Elaine: What?
George: I thought you were meeting Kennedy.
Elaine: (Let down) He didn't show.
George: Yeah, he did.
Elaine: What? He's - He's out there? Oh, my God. I-I gotta go, I gotta go..
George: No, no, no. He just left.
Elaine: What?
George: Yeah, he was talking to Marla.
Jerry: Marla?
George: Yeah, I think, you know, she was, like, crying, and he was consoling her, and then, she, uh, just got into his car, and they just drove away.
Elaine: (Angered) He left with Marla, the virgin?
George: Yeah.
Elaine: They drove away?
George: Yeah, drove away.. You know, I said 'Hello' to him. You know, he's - he's-
Jerry: (Moving to the window, shocked) Oh my God in heaven!
Elaine: (Makes a sound of surprise) Is that..?
George: Kramer?!
Elaine: He's waving..
[Setting: Elaine's bedroom]
Marla: Ohh, John. That was wonderful..


Elaine: Bah bah baaah, Boo doo bah bah bah, boo doo waaaah, waah, waaaah...
Jerry: Hey, could you do me a favour? [pause] Could you shut-up?
Elaine: Hey guess what? This window doesn't work.
Jerry: I hate rental cars. Nothin' ever works the window doesn't work, the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap hooker... [pause] Or is that you?
Elaine: Gimme ten bucks and find out...
Jerry: So, this worked out pretty good. Them givin' me an extra ticket, y'know, you get a free trip to St. Louis, I did my gig, you got to see your sister...
Elaine: Yeah, worked out good.
Jerry: And here's the beauty-
Elaine: What?
Jerry: George is pickin' us up at the airport.
Elaine: Get out of here! Why?
Jerry: You know that awning outside my building?
Elaine: Yeah...
Jerry: He's always bragging about his vertical leap, so I bet him fifty bucks that he couldn't touch the awning.
Elaine: So what happened?
Jerry: He didn't come within two feet of the thing. He's wavin at it... So, I told him if he picks us up at the airport, he wouldn't have to pay me anything.
Elaine: Hey, how we doin' on time?
Jerry: Timed out perfectly. Drop off the car, pick up the rental car shuttle, we walk right on the plane...
Elaine: Hey! Wait up!
Jerry: Hey! Wait up!
Driver: Sorry. Heh heh heh...
Skycap: Where you goin'?
Jerry: Uh, JFK. [To Elaine] I need some small bills for a tip. You got anything?
Elaine: Yeah, you want five?
Jerry: Gimme ten.
Elaine: You're giving him *ten* dollars?
Jerry: Well, we got three bags.
Elaine: That's a pretty big tip...
Jerry: That's what they get!
Elaine: They don't get that much.
Jerry: Let's ask him.
Elaine: We can't ask him...
Jerry: Let's see what he says.
Elaine: Jerry, we don't have time for this...
Jerry: Two seconds. [To Skycap] Excuse me, my friend and I here, we were having a discussion and we were wondering what you usually get for a tip.
Skycap: Depends on the person, depends on the bag.
Jerry: Uh, how about a couple of people like us.
Skycap: People like you? I wouldn't expect much, you don't even look like you know what you're doing...
Jerry: C'mon, seriously...
Skycap: Well, since you asked, usually, I get five dollars a bag.
Elaine: What!?
Skycap: That's right.
Elaine: *Five* dollars a bag? I don't think so.
Skycap: Look, you asked, I told you.
Elaine: You got some nerve trying to take advantage of us...
Jerry: All right, look, we're late. Thank you very much...
Elaine: You're lucky I don't report you...
Skycap: JFK...
Skycap: ...Honolulu.
Elaine: Wait up!
Jerry: You see? Never be late for a plane with a girl. 'Cuz a girl runs like a girl- with the little steps and the arms flailing out... You wanna make this plane, you've gotta run like a man! Get your knees up!
Jerry & Elaine: The flight's been canceled?!?!
Ticket Lady: Everything into JFK's booked... No, wait- I have two seats into Laguardia- but they're not together. It's boarding right now.
Jerry: We'll take 'em!
Elaine: We're not going to sit together?
Jerry: Well, so what? It's not that long- you'll read.
Elaine: Well, what about George? He's supposed to pick us up at Kennedy.
Jerry: We'll call him...
Elaine: There's no time.
Jerry: No time? [To ticket lady] Is there time?
Ticket Lady: There's no time.
Jerry: There's no time. All right, we'll call him from the plane.
Ticket Lady: I have one seat in first class, and one in coach. The price is the same since your flight was canceled.
(The Two Have That Uncomfortable Politeness That Only Comes About When You'Re Down To The Last Piece Of Pizza. Jerry Breaks The Silence: )
Jerry: I'll take the first class.
Elaine: Jerry!
Jerry: What?
Elaine: Why should you get the first class?
Jerry: Elaine, have you ever flown first class?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: All right then. See? You won't know what you're missing. I've flown first class, Elaine- I can't go back to coach. I can't... I won't...
Elaine: You flew here coach.
Jerry: Yeah, that's a point...
Elaine: All right, fine. I don't care. If the plane crashes, everybody in first class is going to die, anyway.
Jerry: Yeah, I'm sure you'll live.
Attendant #1: Third row right...
Attendant #1: Oh, you're in here, sir. Welcome aboard.
Jerry: Bon voyage, Lainey!
(Elaine Is Robbed Of Her Peek Into The First Class Section By A Drawn Curtain And She Goes To Her Seat. However, Someone Comes After Her And: )
Passenger #1: Oh, excuse me... Um, excuse me, miss, I think you're sitting in my seat...
Passenger #1: I never check my bags- I can't stand that wait in the baggage area.
Elaine: Great... [To herself] Help me...
(Jerry Gets To His Seat, However, He Also Is In The Wrong Seat: )
Tia: Excuse me, I think you're in my seat...
Jerry: Oh, sorry... My mistake... [To himself] Thank... *you*!
George: Hey, thanks for coming with me.
Kramer: Hey, what made you think you could touch that awning?
George: I confused it with another awning.
Kramer: So how we doin' on time?
George: We're perfect. I timed this out so we would pull up at the terminal *exactly* 17 minutes after their flight is supposed to land. That gives them just enough time to get off the plane, pick up their bags and be walking *out* of the terminal as we roll up. I tell you, it's a thing of beauty. I can not express to you the feeling I get from a perfect airport pickup. (starts looking around) What's going on? What are you doing? The Long Island Expressway? What are you getting on the Long Island Expressway for? Do you know what the traffic will be like? This is a suicide mission!
Kramer: Will you relax?!
George: Oh, I had it perfectly timed out the Grand Central, the Van Wyck! You destroyed my whole timing!
Kramer: This is the best way to go!
George: Do you know what happens if I miss him? I don't get credit for the pickup and I lose my 50 bucks...
Kramer: George, there's no traffic at this time. Now, come on, man...
George: Really?
Kramer: If anything, we'll probably get there early. I'll have a chance to go to the Duty Free shop.
George: The Duty Free Shop? Duty Free is the biggest sucker deal in retail. Do you know how much duty is?
Kramer: Duty.
George: Yeah, "duty". Do you know how much duty is?
Kramer: No, I dunno how much duty is.
George: Duty is *nothing*. It's like sales tax...
Kramer: I still like to stop at the duty free shop.
George: I like to stop at the duty free shop.
(They Start To "Sing", Growing More Excited After Each Iteration: )
George & Kramer: I like to stop at the duty free shop!
Tia: So, he says, ``squeeze your breasts together'', and I say, ``I thought this was an ad for shoes''...
Jerry: Oh my...
Tia: Is that the new Esquire? Turn to page 146.
Jerry: Wow! Coming out of the shower... It's a good thing they gave you that washcloth to cover yourself up... What is this an ad for?
Tia: See those wrinkled jeans slung over the chair? Way in the background, out of focus?
Jerry: Uh-huh...
Kramer: How does it look on your side? [Pause while George just stares at him] We'll get there...
Elaine: Oh, look at this... He's sleeping and I have to go to the bathroom. Maybe he'll wake up soon. What if my kidneys burst? Is it worth it not to wake this man up to damage a major organ? I hope this disgusting slob appreciates what I'm doing for him... [To passenger on the other side of her, but still to herself] Yeah, make a little more noise with your gum- that's helpful.
[On The Bright Side, Kramer And George Arrive At The Airport. They'Re Running To The Terminal:
George: They're not here! You cost me fifty bucks!
Kramer: Look at you! You run like a girl! Run like a man! Lift your knees!
George: Look, we're wasting our time here! We're a half-hour late, they've probably took it off the board already.
Kramer: No, there it is, right there- 133... and it's canceled.
George: Canceled? Do I still get credit for the pick up? I was here!
Kramer: Ok, c'mon... let's go check over at the ticket counter.
Grossbard: Oh, there it is honey, gate 18A, 830... [He leaves]
Kramer: Did you see that guy?
George: No... What guy?
Kramer: That guy.. He was just...
George: Listen, you go over to the ticket counter, I'm going to go stop in the gift shop and pick up a copy of Time magazine. There's supposed to ba blurb about Jerry in it and I think he mentioned my name!
Kramer: [still lost] I know that guy...
Prisoner: Gotta get my Time magazine... Never miss my Time magazine.
Guard: Yeah, get your magazine and let's get out of here.
Prisoner: Hey, I was gonna take that!
George: Gee, I'm sorry... I got here first.
Prisoner: I don't care when you got here, I want the magazine...
George: You don't understand, there's a *blurb* about me in this magazine!
Prisoner: A *blurb*?!? *You're* a blurb! Check out the cover, idiot!
Guard: All right, let's go...
Prisoner: I want the magazine!
George: Umm... No.
Prisoner: You know what I would do to you, if I wasn't in these shackles...
George: But you are Blanche... You *are* in the shackles. Oh, I can't wait to read my *Time* magazine! Laaaast copy, too. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow- in the park! It's supposed to be a beeyootiful day! Have a nice life... sentence, that is!
Kramer: They're on a different flight. They're scheduled to land in a half hour, only at Laguardia.
George: Laguardia? All right, let's go. C'mon...
Kramer: Where do I know that guy from?
Elaine: [To herself, loudly] Wake up, you human slug! Wake up! *Wake* *up*!! I can't hold it anymore! [To the slug out loud] Excuse me, I've gotta go to the bathroom...
Jerry: Oh my... that *is* refreshing...
Attendant: Would you care for some slippers?
Jerry: Sounds lovely! [To Tia, motioning to put them on her] May I?
Tia: Please!
Jerry: Why, It's a perfect fit. You must be Cinderella.
George: My name is not mentioned in this blurb...
Kramer: It's Grossbard!
George: Who's Grossbard?
Kramer: When I lived on Third avenue and 18th street 20 years ago, I had this roommate who was *always* behind in his rent. Then one month, he asks me to loan him his share of the rent- 240 bucks! He took the cash and >pfffft< disappears. Well, I try to find him, I went to his girlfriend's house, even his family. Uh-uh. I never got the money back! He screwed me! And that's the guy- John Grossbard!
George: Hey Kramer, c'mon- it was 240 bucks twenty years ago...
Kramer: No, I'm gonna turn around... I'm gonna get that guy...
George: No-no-no, Kramer. Kramer! Kramer! You *cannot* abandon people in the middle of an airport pickup! It's a binding social contract. We... we must go forward... not back.
[Elaine Is Still Waiting To Get Into The Bathroom-- There'S Someone In There. *Finally*, A Zz Top Reject Comes Out Of The Bathroom And, To Paraphrase Jerry In "The Smelly Car": ``I open the door, like a *punch* in the *face*, the stench hits me-''. Elaine takes in a lungful of air and goes in. Brave little soldier.]
Jerry: Tia, did you see all the flowers in that bathroom? It's like an English garden in there.
Attendant: They're gardenias, mostly.
Jerry: I thought I smelled lilac.
Attendant: Yes, there are a few of those, too...
Tia: It's almost overwhelming...
Captain: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Due to equipment problems at the runway at Laguardia, we've been instructed by the tower to re-route and land at JFK. We apologize for any inconvenience...
Elaine: [To anyone who'll listen] What'd he say? What'd he say?
George: Well, You're not gonna believe it...
Kramer: What?
George: The plane's been re-routed *back* to Kennedy. We've got 45 minutes.
Kramer: Let's go. Listen to the bell, Grossbard- it tolls for thee.
Attendant: We have some *delicious* Chateau Briande, my personal favourite. Or, if you prefer something lighter, a poached Dover sole in a delicate white wine sauce with just a *hint* of saffron.
Jerry: Oh, saffron! That sounds good.
Attendant: And today we're featuring wines from the *Tuscany* region...
Jerry & Tia: Tuscany!
Elaine: Hi. Can I get to my seat?
Attendant: You're just gonna have to wait...
Elaine: But you just passed it. I'm sitting right there next to that guy...
Attendant: You're not supposed to get up during the food service.
Elaine: Well, nobody *told* me that!
Attendant: Look. This plane is *full*. I got a lot of people to serve. Now please... You're just gonna have to wait.
George: There it is. Gate 46... We got plenty of time.
Kramer: Grossbard's plane leaves in ten minutes. I *still* got time to catch him!
George: How you gonna catch him? He's probably boarded the plane already.
Kramer: Gimme your credit card.
George: My credit card?
Kramer: Just gimme the card, don't ask me any questions.
George: I'm not gonna give you my card unless you tell me what it's for!
Kramer: I'm gonna buy a ticket- I'm gonna get on that flight.
George: What, are you, nuts? You're gonna spend more on the ticket than you're gonna get back from Grossbard.
Kramer: No, I'm not gonna use the ticket! I'm gonna get my money, I'll get off the plane and turn your ticket in for a refund. It's not gonna cost you a dime! Now gimme the card.
George: This is a *great* idea! Here... use this one. I get frequent flyer miles with every purchase... Wait! Get two tickets. As long as your turning it in for a refund what's the difference? I'll get *double* the bonus miles.
Elaine: Excuse me. I'm sorry to make you do this, but I got stuck in the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't let me get through. There's no way to get around that cart...
Passenger #1: You're not supposed to get up during the food service.
Elaine: I'll try and remember that. [Pause] Where's my meal?
Passenger #1: He asked me where you were, and you were gone so long I thought you, uh, switched seats.
Elaine: Excuse me? Excuse me, but I didn't get a meal.
Attendant: Are you sure?
Elaine: Yes, I'm sure! I would know if a tray of food had been served to me.
Attendant: Would you? Well, the only meal left is a kosher meal.
Elaine: Kosher meal? I don't want a kosher meal. I don't even know what a kosher meal is.
Passenger #1: I think it means when a Rabbi has inspected it, or something.
Passenger #2: No, no. It all has to do with the way they kill the pig.
Passenger #1: They don't eat pigs!
Passenger #2: They do if it's killed right- under a Rabbi's supervision.
Passenger #3: Oh, You know what? *I* ordered the kosher meal.
Elaine: Then why didn't you take it?
Passenger #3: I ordered it six weeks ago, I forgot.
Elaine: You're eating my food!
Attendant: Look, I got earplugs to collect. Do you want it, or not.
Jerry & Tia: Mmmmmmmm!
Tia: This is the best sundae I've ever had.
Jerry: Oh, man. You know what... they got the fudge on the bottom- y'see? That enables you to control your fudge distribution as you're eatin' your ice cream.
Tia: I've never met a man who knew so much about nothing.
Jerry: Thank you...
Jerry & Tia: Mmmmmm!
Attendant: More anything?
Jerry: More everything!
Kramer: Look, I got Super Savers! C'mon.
George: Super Savers? Are they refundable!?
George: You bought non-refundable tickets, you idiot!
Kramer: She talked me in to it- she said it was the best deal.
George: Do you know how much this is going to cost me?
Kramer: Look, I'll tell you what- I'll split it with you
George: Look, I'm gonna go to the bathroom...
Attendant: Excuse me... Excuuuse me...
Elaine: What? Oh, no... nothing for me thanks.
Attendant: What is your name?
Elaine: Elaine Benes?
Attendant: [Checks her list] You're going to have to go back to coach.
Elaine: No, but there was nobody sitting here...
Attendant: Yes, but you're still not allowed. These seats are very expensive.
Elaine: Oh, no, please, don't send me back there. Please, I'll do anything. It's so nice up here. It's so comfortable up here. I don't want to go back there. Please don't send me back there... [She notices another attendant offering goods] Oh, you got *cookies*!
Attendant: You're going to have to go back to your seat!
Elaine: Ok, fine. I'll go back... You know, our goal should be a society *without* *classes*! [She goes through the curtain to, ick, *coach*] Do you realise that the people up here are getting *cookies*!
Jerry: What is all the racket back there? You know, you're trying to relax on the plane and this is what you have to put up with. [To attendant] What is going on?
Attendant: Sir, this woman tried to *sneak* into first class.
Jerry: Oh, you see, that's terrible. The problem is, that curtain is no security- there really should be a locking door.
Kramer: Hey! That guy owes me 240 bucks!
Jerry: Couldn't be...
Jerry: Where are they already? I don't see them anywhere... I got my bags, I'm ready to go.
Elaine: Yeah, *you* got *your* bags...
Elaine: The worst flight I have been on in my entire life.
Jerry: Yeah, me too...
Tia: I'll call you.
Jerry: Okay... [To a bamboozled Elaine] It's a business thing...
Kramer: You guys ready?
Jerry: Yeah. Where's George?
George: (can't be heard but looks like) Kramer!


George: I loved her Jerry, I loved her.
Jerry: No, you didn't.
George: And she loved me. Hoo, ho, she really did.
Jerry: No she didn't.
George: What am I going to do now? I can't live without Susan. I gotta get her back. How? How, am I gonna get her back?
Elaine: [OC] Not only didn't you love her, you didn't even like her.
George: Who says?
Elaine: You did.
George: Ah, ...A beautiful successful intelligent woman's in love with me and I throw it all away. uh oh boy. Now I'll spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment watching basketball games, eating Chinese take out. Walking around with no underwear. Because I'm too lazy to do a laundry.
Jerry: You walk around with no underwear?
George: Yeah, what do you do when you run out of laundry?
Jerry: I do a wash.
George: Who am I going to meet who is better than her? No one, Jerry. No one's better than her.
Jerry: When you were with her you said you couldn't stand her.
George: I loved her!
Jerry: You said goin up the steps of her apartment was like being taken to a cell.
George: I would give anything to be going up those stairs again.
George: I gotta call her. Should I call her?
Jerry: George, I don't know if that is such a good idea?
George: Whyie?
Jerry: You need some professional advice. Why don't you go see Elaine's friend? She's a therapist.
George: I'm not going to see that nut doctor she went to Europe with.
Jerry: No, no no [Elaine enters, flossing teeth] Elaine what's the name of that friend of yours ... that's a therapist ... the woman.
Elaine: Dana Folley.
Jerry: Right, Dana Folley.
George: She any good?
Elaine: Yeah, she's terrific. Why? You thinking of going?
George: Wa, uh, ...
Elaine: Tia? Who's that?
Jerry: She's the model I met on the plane.
Elaine: She sent you a Christmas card?
Jerry: Um uh. And we're going out Saturday night.
George: My Darling Susan! My DARLING!!!
Jerry: What are you doing?
Elaine: ... date with Fred.
Jerry: The religious guy?
Elaine: He's not THAT religious.
Jerry: Let us pray.
Kramer: Hey, you got any Double Crunch?
Jerry: Yeah.
Jerry: Kramer, should I call Susan?
Kramer: Now what does the little man inside you say? See you gotta listen to the little man.
George: My little man doesn't know.
Kramer: The little man knows all.
George: My little man's an idiot.
Elaine: See, she was clever. You know she put her picture on a card. I should do that. I never do anything like that.
Kramer: You want a picture like that on a Christmas card? I can do that for you. ...
George: She kept such a nice clean apartment. She was so sanitary.
Elaine: No, no, I was just thinking out loud I don't want my picture on a card.
Kramer: No, no, I'll take your picture. I'll take care of everything.
George: She made a big breakfast every Sunday. I don't know what she put in those eggs.
Kramer: All right, ... now, you come on over. I'll have my cereal and I'll take your picture.
Elaine: Really? Can you really take a picture?
Jerry: Yeah, he's good. He takes good pictures. He's got equipment over there.
Elaine: All right, ha ha
Kramer: I don't know about that outfit though.
Elaine: Why? What's wrong with it?
Kramer: Well, we'll have to improvise.
George: (singing) Oh hey, if you happen to see the most beautiful girl who walked out on me. Tell her I'm sorry. Tell her I need my baby ... oh won't you tell her ... I love her. Oh hey, ...
Jerry: George I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Jerry: So, I'm thinking of putting in na tropical fish tank right here.
Tia: Are you sure you're ready for that kind of comitment?
Jerry: Well, I figure if it doesn't work out I can always flush them down the toilet.
Tia: That's horrible!
Jerry: What's that perfume you're wearing?
Tia: oh I completely forgot I want you to see this. The CALVIN KLEIN ad I was telling you about came out today.
Jerry: What is that smell?
Tia: It's here somewhere.
Jerry: It smells like the beach.
Tia: Exactly.
Jerry: Oh my God is that the new perfume?
Tia: Yeah.
Jerry: I can't believe this. My next door neighbour had the idea for this exact perfume last year. He even met with an executive at CALVIN KLEIN. I can't believe they stole his idea.
Tia: Are you sure?
Jerry: And you're the model for this perfume?
Jerry: Uh, that's him. He just came home. ... Uh, the door [Jerry pushes his door against Kramer's entrance]
Kramer: Hey
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Hey, how ya' doing? [Trying to enter]
Jerry: Yeah, uh, I'll see you later.
Kramer: I just wanted to borrow your Dust Buster.
Jerry: All right come on in. ... Just wait over HERE! Just wait here and I'll get it for you. ... Kramer this is Tia.
Kramer: Hello.
Kramer: How tall are you?
Tia: Five ten.
Kramer: Come on lets see - Back to Back.
Jerry: NO! Kramer!
Kramer: What's the matter with you? I just wanted to see how tall she was.
Jerry: Oh, you're tall - she's tall I'm tall. What's the difference who's tall. We're all tall.
Kramer: What's that?
Jerry: What?
Kramer: That smell. What's that smell?
Jerry: (starting the Dust Buster) What smell?
Kramer: It's very familiar. I can't put my finger on it. It's very familiar.
Jerry: Oh, they're all the same. Here. [gives him Dust Buster] Now if you'll excuse us, ..
Kramer: Yeah, okay, So I'll see you tomorrow uh?
Jerry: Okay.
Kramer: Yeah. Nice meeting you.
Tia: Nice meeting you too.
Jerry: I'll see you later.
Jerry: Ooow, that was close.
Kramer: [OC] THE BEACH!!!
Kramer: You smell like the beach. What's the name of that perfume? you're wearing.
Tia: It's Ocean by CALVIN KLEIN.
Kramer: CALVIN KLEIN? No, no. That's my idea. They, they stole my idea. Y' see I had the idea of a cologne that makes you smell like you just came from the beach.
Jerry: I know look at this [shows ad]
Kramer: Whooo, ... That's you! What is going on here? The gyp(?) he laughs at me then he steals my idea. I could have been a millionaire. I could have been a fragrance millionaire, Jerry. ... They're not going to get away with this.
Dana: Hello. George, come in. Come in I've heard an awful lot about you. Please sit down.
George: Well hello. Um, ah, specifically the reason that I'm here, uh, I don't know uh what Elaine told you but uh I broke up with my girlfriend a couple of weeks ago. Actually she broke up with me [struggling with his coat zipper] and uh, well, I was the cause of it and uh, I just wanted to find out from you ... What's with this thing?
Dana: So uh, she broke up with you? ...
George: Yeah, and, ... Why won't this go down?
Dana: It's all right don't worry about it. So, why did she break up with you?
George: What is with this damn zipper?
Dana: It doesn't matter. You'll fix it later. Tell me about your girlfriend.
George: It's stuck on a piece of cloth here. I can't get the cloth out.
Dana: It doesn't matter, so ...
George: This is a brand new jacket. Boy this really burns me up, ...
Dana: George, George, look at me. Okay, forget about the zipper. ... What's your girlfriend's name?
George: ... Susan.
Dana: Okay, we're getting somewhere.
George: UH, ha ha, ... It's just SO frustrating. It's a brand new jacket.
Elaine: Anyway so Fred and I are going to do some volunteer work for that Church on Amsterdam.
Jerry: Oh, volunteer work!. See that's what I like about the holiday season. That's the true spirit of Christmas. People being helped by people other than me. That makes me feel good inside. Look at what we have here. (mail). A Christmas card from Laine. You didn't have to go to all that trouble.
Elaine: It was no trouble. My assistant did the whole thing.
Jerry: I didn't even see the picture. How did it come out?
Elaine: Well, you know. It's a picture?
Jerry: Oh yeah. Look at that. Looks good. Kramer did a good job.
Elaine: Yeah, well. How hard is it to take a picture?
Jerry: ... um ...
Elaine: What?
Jerry: Did you look at look at this picture carefully?
Elaine: Carefully?
Jerry: Because I'm not sure and and and correct me if I'm wrong but I think I see ... a nipple.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: Here. Take a look. What, what is that?
Elaine: (gasps) Oh my God! That's my nipple.
Jerry: That's what I thought.
Elaine: That's my nipple. My nipple's exposed. I sent this card to hundreds of people! My parents. My boss. Uh, Nana and Papa.
Jerry: DIDN'T YOU LOOK AT THE PICTURE?
Elaine: Oh God I didn't notice. Oh, what am I going to do? You know your whole life you go through painstaking efforts to hide your nipple and then BOOM, suddenly hundreds of people get their own personal shot of it.
Kramer: Hey!
Elaine: Have you seen the card?
Kramer: What card?
Elaine: This car.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah. Of course. I took it.
Elaine: Well did you notice anything unusual about it?
Kramer: No.
Elaine: Well come here and take a look.
Kramer: Yeah, so?
Elaine: So, what's that?
Kramer: That's a nipple.
Elaine: Right!!
Kramer: Ooo!
Elaine: Aw, great!? Didn't you see that?
Kramer: Aw, no, no I didn't notice it. no, uh,
Elaine: It's because you made me wear that stupid shirt.
Jerry: Well, maybe no one noticed it. You didn't notice it. Let me go get Newman. We'll see if he sees it.
Elaine: No. I don't want him looking.
Jerry: Oh what's the difference. Everybody else you know has it.
Elaine: Oh my God. I sent one to the super in my building. My mailman. My ten year old little nephew. Sister Mary Catherine. Father Chelios. Oh my God Fred! I sent one to Fred.
Newman: Okay. What is it?
Jerry: Take a look at this card. Tell me if you notice anything unusual about it.
Newman: Your nipple's showing.
Jerry: Okay. Thanks.
Newman: Anything else?
Jerry: No.
Newman: All right. See you later.
Jerry: What? So what? It's a nipple. A little round circular protuberance. What's the big deal? See everybody's got them. See I got them.
Kramer: I got them too.
Jerry: Everybody's got them.
Dana: You see it's kind of got a little piece of cloth that's slipped underneath and it's ...
George: Pull it up a little bit.
Dana: Uhg. Well you hold it. Wait, uh, Damn It! I can't move it. God, I've never seen a zipper so stubborn. DAMN IT! I almost had it.
George: Yeah, okey, wait wait. That will separate.
Dana: No. Let me try...
George: Take it right off the chest...
Dana: Ugh, ..
George: You're gonna rip it. You're gonna rip it.
Dana: YEAH!! UGH!!! ARG!!! ... I am afraid we're going to have to stop.
George: Okay. Uh, my mother is is going to pay for the sessions. ... Oh,Elaine?
Dana: Yeah.
George: (stares at card)
Jerry: No, No, No, No, Oh, No.
Jerry: Well every day for the past four days she hasn't returned one call.
George: Was it a scratch or a pick?
Jerry: It was a scratch.
George: Hey. It's me.
Jerry: Don't you think I know the difference between a pick and a scratch?
Jerry: Yeah?
Elaine: (OC) It's me.
Jerry: Come on up.
George: Was there any nostril penetration?
Jerry: There may have been some incidental penetration. But from her angle she was in no position to make the call.
George: So let's say in her mind she witnessed a pick. Okay, so then what?
Jerry: Is that so unforgivable? Is that like breaking a commandment? Did God say to Moses thou shalt not pick?
George: I guarantee you that Moses was a picker. You wander throughh the desert for forty years with that dry air. ... You telling me you're not going to have occasion to clean house a little bit.
Jerry: Let me ask you something. If you were going out with somebody and if she did that what would, would you do? Would you continue going out with her?
George: No. That's disgusting!
Elaine: You cannot believe what I'm going through. That card is plastered all over the office. Everybody is calling me, Nip! ... Yeah. That's my new nickname at the office. Nip! These guys keep asking me out for drinks. Not only that, Fred, you know the guy I told you about? He hasn't called me in three days. ... [sees card] Oh please!
George: Hey. How come I didn't get a Christmas card? Everybody else got one. Jerry got one, Kramer got one. I thought we were good friends. I don't get a Christmas card. I don't get it.
Elaine: You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card? All right here. [rubs George's head on her breasts] Here's your Christmas card.
Kramer: Got any Double Crunch?
Jerry: yeah. I think I do.
Kramer: What's that perfume?
Elaine: What, Ocean.
Kramer: That's mine. That's my smell. Jerry you've got to get that model to get me an appointment with CALVIN KLEIN.
Jerry: I can't She won't return my calls because she caught me in a pick at a light.
Kramer: I thought you said it was a scratch.
Jerry: But that's not what she thinks.
George: Why don't you call her agency. Maybe she's been out of town and she didn't get the calls.
Jerry: All right. I'll call the agency. [Elaine grabs card from George] Hello. Yes, I'm trying to get in touch with Tia Van Camp. Do you know if she's been in town? She's been in town. Oh really. well thank you very much. [hangs up] She has been in town. She's at CALVIN KLEIN's right now.
Kramer: Let's go.
George: It'll be different this time.
Susan: I need someone a little more stable.
George: I'm not stable? I'm like a rock. I take these glasses off, you can't tell the difference between me and a rock. I put these glasses on a rock. You know what jumps into most people's minds? Costanza!
Susan: People don't change.
George: I change I change. Two weeks ago I tried a soft boiled egg. Never liked it before. Now I'm dunkin a piece of toast in there and I'm loving it.
Susan: I'm not a soft boiled egg.
George: And I am not a piece of toast.
Susan: I just don't think we have anything in common.
George: That's okay. That's good. You think Louie Pasteur and his wife had anything in common? He was in the fields all day with the cows, you know with the milk, examining the milk, delving into milk, consummed with milk. Pasteurization, Homogenization, She was in the kitchen killing cockroaches with a boot on each hand.
Susan: Why were there so many cockroaches?
George: Because. There was a lot of cake lying around the house. Just sitting there going with all the excess milk from all the experiments [grins]
Susan: And they got along?
George: Yes! Yes. You know. She didn't know about Pasteurization. He didn't know anout Fumigation. But they made it work!
Kramer: I want to talk to Calvin.
Secretary: You can't go in there.
Kramer: Let me talk to Calvin.
Tia: Kramer?
Kramer: Yeah, uh.
Calvin Klein: Who are you?
Kramer: I'm here to talk about the ocean.
Calvin Klein: Oh, yes kramer. I uh, think I know something about this. Will you excuse us Tia? [Tia leaves]
Kramer: Now I don't want any trouble Calvin.
Calvin Klein: Neither do I.
Jerry: Hello there you are.
Tia: What are you doing here?
Jerry: Well, I had to talk to you - I noticed you haven't been returning my calls.
Tia: Well, I've been busy.
Jerry: Because I - I thought we had a good time the other night, an' the only explanation I can come up with is that you think that you caught me (flustered, he indicates a nose pick)
Tia: (Waving him off) I'd rather not talk about this..
Jerry: But I was clearly on the outer edge of the nostril.
Tia: I know what I saw. (Turns toward the elevators)
Jerry: But there - but there was no pick! I - I did not pick! There ws no piick!
Tia: I gotta go. (Quickly walks away from Jerry)
Jerry: No! No pick!
[Setting: Calvin Klein's office]
Kramer: All right, now here's the scoop, Jockey. I, uh, I came in here last January to talk to one of your ffflunkies..
Klein: (Reflecting on Kramer) Interesting face..
Kramer: Yeah.. And, um, when I told him my idea about the beach cologne, you know, he - he laughed at me.
Klein: You're very lithe, aren't you? Very graceful.
Kramer: Well, yeah.
Klein: Sit down, eh? (Kramer, misjudging one side of the couch, sits down uncomfortably) You're very lean, but muscular..
Kramer: You know, I try to take care of myself. I - I watch what I eat. Ah, just recently I cut out fructose.
Klein: You're spectacular.
Kramer: (Flattered) Oh?
[Setting: Elaine's office]
Elaine: I told you, Fred - my friend's next door neighbor took it.
Fred: (Incredulous) Soo - what happened?!
Elaine: Well, I-I-I must a missed a button. I forgot to button it.
Fred: I really don't see how you could miss a button like that.
Elaine: Oh, you've never missed a button?! (Phone rings, she puts it on speakerphone) Yeah?..
Receptionist: Your sister, Gail.
Elaine: Oh, God - my nephew. (Picks up the phone and hits the button) Hi, Gail!.. Yu.. yu... Yes, Gail, I know how old he is.
Co-Worker: (Pokes his head into the doorway) Hey, Nip, ya need that manuscript or can I take it home?
Elaine: Yeah, take it! Take it!.. An' stop calling me "Nip"! (Co-worker takes it and quickly leaves. Elaine goes back to the phone) It was an accident! Well.. well.. it's gotta be somewhere. Look under his mattress.
[Setting: Susan's apartment building]
[Setting: Calvin Klein's office]
Woman: About the focus group? I had nothing to do with the focus group. What's your point? (She sees Kramer emerge from another room. He's wearing only dress shoes, socks, and his briefs) My.. he's sexual, athletic.. an' without a trace of self-consciousness!
Klein: His buttocks are sublime!
Man: Of course, his pectorals could use a little work - I suppose we could get him into the weight room.
Woman: (Mesmerized with Kramer's body) No, let's get him in the studio today. We can send these out immediately.
Man: You've done it again, C.K.!
[Setting: Calvin Klein office building]
Jerry: An' what if I did do it? Even though I admit to nothing, and never will. What does that make me? And I'm not here just defending myself but all those Pickers out there who've been caught. (Elevator doors open) Each an' every one of them, who has to suffer the shame and humiliation because of people like you.. (Everyone but Jerry is now in the elevator. Jerry's still addressing them) Are we not human?! If we pick, do we not bleed?! (Elevator doors shut. A few people in the hallway are looking at him, he turns and addresses them) I am not an animal!
[Setting: Elaine's office]
Elaine: I did not bare myself deliberately, but I tell you, I wish now that I had! (Fred, shocked by her speech, flees. She calls after him, still standing at the hallway) Because it is not me that has been exposed, but you! For I have seen the nipple on your soul!
Gx: So the minute I started up the steps to her apartment I knew I made a terrible mistake. Going back with her. So we're in her apartment she goes into the bathroom. I'm cursing myself; now how do I get out of this? Then it hits me like a bolt of lightening. The pick.
Jerry: The pick?
Elaine: The pick?
George: She comes out of the bathroom, I'm in up to my wrist. You should have seen the look on her face.
Jerry: I think I've seen that look.
Kramer: I've got the magazine. The underwear ad came out.
Jerry: Boy, they really worked on your pectorals.
George: Your buttocks are spectacular.
Elaine: Oh my!
Kramer: What?
Elaine: I'm not sure but... I think I see your...


% A Night At The Improv. Jerry Receives Some Disturbing News From The Manager: The show has been delayed.
Jerry: You don't understand. I got this all timed out. I got another spot across town at 950, I'm not gonna be able to make it!
Kernis: I hear you, guy.
Jerry: And I'm doin' Letterman Monday. You know, I gotta work out the material!
% In The Background Is The Plot Complication Of The Week: Buckles. The manager assures Jerry that Buckles isn't on the menu. He just hangs around hoping that somebody drops out.
Kernis: Why don't you come back and do the 11 o'clock spot?
Jerry: No, I'm supposed to meet my friends to see this movie ``CheckMate'' at 1030.
Buckles: Hey, Jer!
Jerry: [not losing a step] Heeeeyyyyyyyy... [and out the door]
George: Excuse me, do you have a ticket?
Man: No.
George: Okay. Good.
% Misunderstanding Number One: When Jerry shows up at the other comedy place, the manager tells him his spot was for 915, not 950. The manager had no choice but to give Jerry's spot to...
Buckles: Jerry!
Jerry: What are <you> doing here?
Buckles: Hey, do you think this is funny? ``Why do they call it athlete's foot? You don't have to be an athlete to get it. I mean, my father gets it all the time, and believe me, he's no athlete!''
Elaine: I've been *dying* to see ``CheckMate''.
George: Well, if it's as good as ``Ponce de Leon'', I'll be happy.
Elaine: ``Ponce de Leon'', are you kidding me? I hated that movie!
George: ``Ponce de Leon''? But that was great!
Elaine: Oh, <come on>. That Fountain of Youth scene at the end, where they're all splashin' around, and then they go running over to the mirror to see if it really worked? I mean, come on! [laughing too hard to continue] That's stupid!
George: Lemme tell you sum'in. When Ponce looked in that mirror and saw that he hadn't changed, and that tear started to roll down his cheek? ... I lost it.
% Apparently, A Movie That Can Be Interpreted On Two Levels. Misunderstanding Number Two: Kramer joins George and Elaine after looking for them at the Paradise Twin around the corner. Elaine hates the Paradise because it's a multiplex; she'd rather see a movie on a big screen. Something catches Kramer's eye.
Kramer: Listen, I'm gonna get a hot dog at Payapa King.
George & Elaine: No, wait!
George: You're not going to get back here in time!
Kramer: I'm starvin', I haven't had any dinner!
Elaine: You can get a hot dog in the theater.
Kramer: I don't wanna get a movie hot dog! [in tears] I want a Papaya King hot dog!
Elaine: Kramer, Jerry is going to be here any second, and then this line is going to start moving, and we're going to end up in the front row.
Kramer: Well, just save me a seat.
Elaine: No! I don't want to save seats. Don't put me through that! I once had the fleece just ripped out of my winter coat in a seat-saving incident!
George: I'm in line to buy.
Elaine: No, George, this is the ticket-<holders> line.
George: No it's not, it's the ticket-<buyers> line.
Elaine: Then how come we're not moving?
Kramer: Good question.
George: Is this the ticket holders line, or the buyers?
Man: Holders.
George: But I asked you before if you had a ticket, and you said no!
Man: I didn't. My friend was getting it.
George: [furious] Good. It's good to be accurate like that.
Elaine: Can you believe him?
Kramer: He's spaced out.
Elaine: How long would *you* have stood in the ticket-holders line?
Kramer: [thinks for a while]
Elaine: [gives up] Yeah, exactly...
% The Movie Has Sold Out. ``Real Good, George. Real Good.'' It'S Now 10: 20, and Kramer suggests they go watch the 1045 showing of "CheckMate" at the Paradise. Elaine enters whine mode.
Elaine: I don't wanna go to a... miniplex multi-theater!
George: It's the same movie! What's the difference?
Elaine: It's not a theater, it's like a room where they bring in POWs to show them propaganda films.
Jerry: [to taxi driver] Take the Park!
Buckles: No no no, take 55th.
Buckles: Jerry, I want you to do me a favor. No more fish!
Jerry: [rubbing his eyes hoping the nightmare will end] Okay, I get your point!
Buckles: I had a point?
George: Hey, you know what else is playing here? ``Rochelle Rochelle''.
Elaine: Sigh/Ugh.
George: I wouldn't mind seein' <that>.
Elaine: Yeah. You know, men can sit through the most boring movie if there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.
George: So what's your point?
George: By the way, you owe me seven fifty.
Elaine: Oh, all right. Can you break a twenty?
George: No, I don't have any change.
Elaine: Oh, well, then I'll pay you later.
George: Or, I could take the twenty, then I could pay *you* later.
Elaine: Yeah, you *could*...
George: Might be easier.
Elaine: I mean, how is that easier? I mean, then you would owe me twelve fifty instead of me owing you seven fifty.
George: [trying to act as if he doesn't care one way or the other, but we know better] Either way.
Elaine: Yeah.
George: So... Can I have it?
Elaine: I tell you what, I'll get the popcorn and the soda.
George: Whaddya mean, you'll ``get'' the popcorn and the soda?
Elaine: I will buy your popcorn and soda. We'll call it even.
George: I tell you what, you give me the twenty, and I will buy *you* a popcorn and soda, and I'll throw in a bon-bons.
Elaine: [exasperated] George, you're sappin' my strength.
George: You go in and save seats.
Elaine: [in a panic] Me!? But that's three seats! I can't save three seats! I told you about that guy who tore up my winter coat!
Buckles: Jerry, I want you to have this piece of material.
Jerry: That's very nice of you, but I can't do the voices.
Buckles: Jerry! Don't start up with me!
Jerry: I gotta get out of this cab...
Buckles: But Jerry, quit riffing!
Jerry: No, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring! Do you understand the difference?
Buckles: [pause] Can you help me get on The Tonight Show?
Elaine: No, these are saved.
Man: All of them? C'mon, you can't take *four* seats.
Elaine: What, is that a rule?
George: Well, why don't *you* go, and I could save the seats. You said you didn't like saving anyway.
Elaine: [stopping someone from sitting in the seat next to her] No, *TAKEN*, Taken, taken. [to George] [shrugs] I'm getting the hang of it.
George: Why don't you give me the twenty, and I'll stop and get change, and then you and I can... uh... you-know, settle.
Elaine: Can we do this later, George?
George: Psh. What's the point of even discussing it? [condescendingly takes her hand and pats it] You'll give me the money when you have it. [takes two steps, then reconsiders, then re-reconsiders] I, I trust you.
Kramer: Could you do me a favor? If you see a guy that's five foot eleven, he's got uh a big head and flared nostrils, tell him his friend's going to be right back, okay?
Elaine: No, I'm sorry, these are taken. ... They're in the lobby buying popcorn. ... What are you doing? These are taken, these are taken!
Woman: Which one?
Elaine: These two and this one. ... No! Don't come over here! These are taken. Go! Go! These are taken! They're taken! THEY'RE TAKEN!!!
Elaine: Oh, take 'em.
George: Um, excuse me, have you see a guy with like a horse face, big teeth, and a, and a pointed nose?
Clerk: ... flared nostrils?
George: Yeah.
Clerk: Nope, haven't seen him.
Buckles: Jerry, could you do me a personal favor? And if I'm out of line, *please*, let me know. Could I keep my trench coat in your closet for a few months?
Jerry: Your trench coat in my closet?
Buckles: Jerry, my closet is packed to the gills, I'm afraid to open the door. Just for a few months. It'll make all the difference in the world.
Buckles: We should see ``Rochelle Rochelle''. I hear it's really hot.
Jerry: No thanks, maybe some other time.
Buckles: Really? Do you really mean that?
Jerry: No, I don't.
Buckles: You liked the athlete's foot bit, right?
Jerry: No. No. I was kidding. It's terrible.
Jerry: Hi, I got some friends inside, I gotta get a message to 'em. Mind if I walk through real quick?
Usher: [indicates ``okay'']
Kramer: Hey, did that guy show up?
Clerk: The guy with the... horse face... and the big teeth...
Kramer: No, the guy with the big head and the flared nostrils.
Clerk: Haven't seen him. There was a short guy with glasses... Looked like Humpty-Dumpty with a melon hat. But he left.
Woman: So I got home, and he was vacuuming! I mean, he's twelve years old! Who else but my Alan would do something like that?
Woman: And then last night, he put on my high heels. Oh, he put on such a show for us! He was dancing around, lip-sync'ing to ``A Chorus Line'', I mean you can see he's got talent.
Elaine: [annoyed] Excuse me, excuse me.
Woman: What's the problem?
Elaine: [momentarily shocked, as if the answer were self-evident] You're talking.
Woman: It's the ``Coming Attractions''.
Woman: So anyway, he sings, he dances. And do you know what he's gotten into now? He is cooking! He does a crepe...
Usher: Ticket, sir?
George: Uh, I just went out, I went to look for my friend?
Usher: Do you have your stub?
George: [as if the word were totally foreign] My `stub'?
Usher: Mm hm.
George: You don't remember me?
Usher: It's a big city, sir.
George: I went in with a pretty woman? You know, kinda short, big wall o' hair, face like a frying pan?
George: [whispering] Elaine? [loud whisper] Elaine! [louder whisper] Elaine!
George: [quite out loud, not even pretending to whisper] Elaine!
Narrator: The Village Voice calls it a masterpiece. A young woman's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.
Narrator: It's a story about life. And love. And becoming a woman. ``Rochelle Rochelle'', now playing at Paradise 2.
Elaine: Uh, could I have a medium Diet Coke?
Clerk: Do you want the Medium size or the middle size?
Elaine: What's the difference?
Clerk: Well, we have three sizes. Medium, Large, and Jumbo.
Elaine: [momentarily perplexed] What happened to the small?
Clerk: There is no small. Small is Medium.
Elaine: What's... medium?
Clerk: Medium is Large, and large is Jumbo.
Elaine: Oh-kay. Gimme the large.
Clerk: That's medium.
Elaine: Right. Yeah. [fearing the answer] Could I have a small popcorn?
Clerk: There is no small. [flash of perky inspiration] Child-size is small.
Elaine: What's `medium'?
Clerk: Adult.
Elaine: Do adults ever order the child-size?
Clerk: [chuckling] Not usually.
Elaine: [laughs appreciably] Okay, gimme the `adult'.
Clerk: Do you want butter?
Elaine: Is it *real* butter?
Clerk: [perkily] It's butter-*flavored*!
Elaine: [exasperated] What is it made of?
Clerk: [perkily] It's yellow!
Jerry: 44th and 9th.
Driver: Have you got a cigarette?
Jerry: No.
Usher: Ticket, sir?
George: We've just been through this! You don't remember? We just had this exact same conversation a minute ago!
Usher: I need to see your stub.
George: [realizing the only way out is to show the stub] I've got the stub.
George: There you go, okay? That's my *other* friend's ticket. You happy now? You got two tickets.
Usher: Ticket, sir?
Kramer: Uh, no, see, my friend already bought me a ticket. I'm late, and she's inside.
Usher: Go ahead.
Kramer: Is that seat taken?
Woman Behind Elaine: It's all yours.
Driver: I'm very sorry, you give me few minutes. I have to stop for gasoline.
Jerry: Gasoline? Can't you get it after you drop me off?
Driver: [taken aback] No! Impossible! It is on `Empty'!
Man: You're soaking wet. Who are you?
Rochelle: My name is Rochelle, I'm from Milan. I'm supposed to visit my relatives in Minsk.
Man: Here, stand by the fire. Take off those wet clothes, you'll catch cold.
Rochelle: Oh, my hand's so cold, I can barely get these buttons open.
Rochelle: Oh, that's much better. Much...
Elaine: I just went to get popcorn... Ugh... [shakes more popcorn] I just went to get popcorn, okay? And and and somebody took my seat, and my coat is in there!
Usher: There's a seat in the front row.
Elaine: No no, I can't sit in the front row.
Usher: Well, you're going to have to wait, then.
Elaine: I can't stand around here for *two hours*!
Usher: I could let you see ``Rochelle Rochelle''.
Elaine: [heavy sarcasm] Oh. Thanks.
Elaine: Oh, hey, listen, by the way, have you seen a tall... lanky... doofus, with a, with a bird-face and hair like the Bride of Frankenstein?
Usher: Haven't seen him.
% From His Pocket, Kramer Digs Into His Treasured Papaya King Hot Dog. Then Discovers The Source Of His Discomfort: He's sitting on a coat.
Jerry: Hey, did I make it?
Kernis: Sorry.
Jerry: Oh, great. That's great. What a night.
Announcer: Pat Buckles, ladies and gentlemen. Another round of applause for Pat Buckles!
Jerry: You got my spot?
Buckles: That athlete's foot bit killed!
Jerry: Really...
Buckles: Do you think I need to lose some weight?
Jerry: Weight? Naw. Just need some more height.
Jerry: My whole night's ruined. I didn't do any sets, didn't do any movies...
Buckles: Come on, we can still catch most of ``Rochelle Rochelle''.
Jerry: ``Rochelle Rochelle'', huh?
Buckles: A young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.
Jerry: [his interest piqued] Minsk?
Elaine: Oh, gimme a break!
Jerry: Elaine?
Elaine: Jerry!
Jerry: Elaine!
Voice: [whispered] Shut up.
George: Jerry?
Jerry: George?
George: Elaine?
Elaine: George! [waves hi]
Jerry: Hey, where's Kramer?
Voice: [whispered] Will you shut up?
Elaine: I don't know. Does this movie stink or what!
Jerry: Let's get outta here. [to Buckles] I'll see ya.
Buckles: You're leaving?
Jerry: Yeah.
Buckles: [holding out his coat] Jerry, take the coat. Please. One month.
Jerry: I don't want the coat.
Buckles: Jerry! Call me when you get home so I know you're okay!
George: [studying his jacket] Oh man! Look at this! I sat in gum. Oh, by the way, you owe me seven fifty.
Jerry: I didn't even use the ticket!
George: I still paid for it!
Jerry: I only have a twenty.
Elaine: That's my coat! Gimme that. Where did you get that?
Kramer: It was on the seat...
Elaine: *YOU* took my seat!?
George: You uh owe me for the ticket.
Kramer: Yeah, right...
Elaine: What is that stain [on my coat]?
Kramer: It's yellow mustard. [To George] Can you break a twenty?
I Always Get Confused In The Movie Theater By The, By The Plot. It'S Embarrassing. It'S An Embarrassment To Have To Admit, But I'M The One That You See In The Parking Lot After The Movie Talking With His Friends, Going: ``Oh, you mean that was the same guy from the <beginning>... Ohhhhhhhhhh...'' Nobody will explain it to you. When you're in the theater, you can't find out. [whispering to imaginary friends seated around him] ``Why did they kill that guy?... Why did they kill him?... Who was that guy? What was the... I thought he was with them? Wasn't he with them? Why would they kill him if he was with them? Oh, he wasn't *really* with them... I thought he was with them. It's a good thing they killed him.''


George: So you're a lawyer. What kind of cases do you handle?
Cheryl: Oh, everything. Divorce, patents, immigration and naturalization.
George: What is that, immigrants come over, you show them how to act natural?
George: No, they're not funny at all. No, I have no funny friends. I'm the funny one. El Clowno.
Elaine: Look, I was nice enough to pick it up for you
Jerry: Hey, I've been back four days, I want my mail.
Elaine: It's mostly bills, magazines and junk mail anyway.
Jerry: Elaine, that's what mail is. Without bills, magazines and junk mail, there is no mail.
Cheryl: Here's my card.
George: Oh, ok. Thank you. It was good talking to you.
Cheryl: Nice meeting you.
George: Yeah.
Elaine: Hi!
Jerry: Hey, how ya doin?
George: You would not believe what just happened. I was waiting for you and this woman was sitting at the counter.
Elaine: What, the one who just left?
George: Yeah, yeah, and we started talking, and she's this lawyer who's incredible! Everything I said was funny! You know, she laughed at everything I said, she thinks I'm hilarious. You know in a way, it was almost too good. I started so good, I can't go any place but down now, ya know? I got no place to go.
Elaine: Yeah, well, I guess it's all over.
Jerry: (looking behind the counter) Hey, is that Babu? It is! (walking over) Hey, Babu!
Babu: Jerry!
Jerry: Look at you, you got the job.
Babu: Yes, yes, they give me job thanks to you.
Jerry: Oh, I didn't do anything.
Babu: Yes, you do everything, get me job, you get me a place to live in your building.
Jerry: Come on.
Babu: You very very good man, you do everything for me. My family and I can never thank you enough for everything you do.
George: You see, this is what I do with women. I start out too strong, now I have to become real, that's when it all falls apart. What good is real? They don't want real, they want funny.
Elaine: No they don't.
George: Ooooh, yes they do.
Elaine: Nooo.
George: Ya gotta put on a show, ya always gotta give them a big show. You always have to be 'on' otherwise why would they like me? They'd just go for a better looking guy with more money.
George: You mean that's true, I'm right?!
Jerry: Ok, great, well, I'm glad everything worked out, Babu.
Babu: Oh, yes, yes, everything wonderful.
Jerry: Ok, I'll see you around the building.
Babu: I'll see you *in* the building.
Jerry: (returning to the table) Remember Babu Bhatt?
George: Who's he?
Jerry: Remember that guy who opened the restaurant across the street from the building last year and he wasn't doing so well and I told him he should make it into all Pakistani and that drove him right out of business? So, you uh, going with me to the auto show with me Saturday?
Elaine: Yeah, yeah.
Jerry: Can you bring my mail then?
George: What mail?
Elaine: I picked up his mail while he was on the road
George: Why didn't Kramer pick it up?
Jerry: Cause he's at that baseball fantasy camp in Florida.
George: Oh yeah, right. When's he coming back?
Jerry: Monday, I think.
George: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating; that's a fantasy camp.
Jerry: Hey listen, if you're gonna go out with this lawyer, why don't you have dinner with us and then maybe you can go to the auto show with her if you want, you know, have a little company, take the pressure off.
Jerry: ...he never heard of corduroy!
Cheryl: (howling with laughter) Stop it, you're killing me!!
Jerry: He never heard of corduroy! True story, true story.
George: No, no I don't think so.
Elaine: Why?
George: Well I think I'm better off going one-on-one.
Jerry: I don't know why you want to play man-to-man when you could play a zone.
George: She might not be comfortable.
Elaine: Why? We're all very nice, we're very friendly.
Jerry: We'll be funny.
George: No! No. It's not good, I don't think so.
Elaine: Alright, well if you change your mind, we'll wind up as Isabella's probably around seven.
Jerry: No, no Isabella's, I don't want to go to Isabella's.
Elaine: Why?
Jerry: No, it's too trendy, no Isabella's.
George: (tasting the wine) Excellent. Like I really know what I'm talking about.
George: Toasting makes me uncomfortable. But toast, I love. Never start the day without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to toast.
Jerry: Look who's here! Georgie-boy!
George: What are you doing here? I thought you said you hated Isabella's?
Elaine: No, I talked him into it.
George: What happened to the auto show?
Jerry: Oh, we're still going, we're still going. Elaine, do the spokes model.
Elaine: The turbo quadramatic transmission offers you the power and prestige to propel you well into the 21st century.
George: Cheryl, Elaine, and uh, Jerry.
Cheryl: Would you like to join us?
George: Oh no no no, they don't want to join us.
Cheryl: Oh no, it's ok, don't be silly.
Elaine: Ok, well why don't we just put these two tables together?
George: (as the others are repositioning the tables) No, no, you can't do that, they're round, it makes an 'eight' and, yeah, well alright.
Elaine: Jerry? Jerry, tell them that funny story you were telling me-
George: No! No.
Elaine: No George, it's so funny. We saw this cab driver's picture, right?
George: (interrupting) You know we should really order, the service is so slow here, by the time you get anything...
Elaine: Oh, Cheryl, can I ask you a legal question? Um, I'm being sued.
Cheryl: Oh? What happened?
Elaine: Well, I ran out to apologize to a virgin and I crossed against the light and I knocked over the delivery boy.
Cheryl: Was he Chinese?
Elaine: Yeah.
Cheryl: Is your last name Benes?
Jerry: How did you know?
Cheryl: Ping is my cousin!
Elaine: No!
Jerry: That's so funny!
Cheryl: I'm handling his case!
Elaine: What? You're Cheryl Fong?
Cheryl: That's right!
Elaine: Oh my god, I can't believe it! That is such a coincidence!
Cheryl: Yeah, I know!
Elaine: Wow, well, I guess you don't have any advice for me on how to win the case?
Cheryl: Will you excuse me? I have to make a call.
Elaine: Tell Ping I said hello.
Jerry: Tell him you think you may have broken the case wide open.
Jerry: What?
George: This is not good. This is not good.
Jerry: What's the matter?
George: I just don't think it's such a great idea for you to sit here.
Jerry: Why not?
Elaine: He thinks that if you're too funny, he might not look so funny.
Jerry: Biff?
George: What?
Jerry: You're not worried about that?
George: No, of course not.
Jerry: I mean, so what if I'm funny? Who cares?
Elaine: He thinks that if a woman sees a guy put on a better show, she'll walk out on his show, go see the other show.
Jerry: Well, should we leave?
George: Maybe you don't have to be so funny. I mean, would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That's all I'm asking. This woman thinks I'm very funny. Now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny.
Elaine: This is so ridiculous. Can we just go over there?
Jerry: I don't have to be funny, I don't care.
George: You don't?
Jerry: No way! It's completely under my control.
Elaine: No, it's not. You cannot not be funny.
Jerry: Of course I can, am I being funny now?
Elaine: A little.
Jerry: Oh, this is funny? I'm being funny?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: George, is this funny?
George: It's funny! (To Elaine) and it wouldn't kill you to not be so funny either.
Elaine: What? What did I do?
George: Hi.
Jerry: (subdued, almost somber) Hello. Welcome back.
Cheryl: Sorry, it was my aunt's birthday and she makes such a big deal about it.
Elaine: Well, nobody likes to get old, right?
Jerry: Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.
George: Funny guy, huh?
Elaine: Here, take it. I was glad to get rid of it.
Jerry: Well thank you very much, it's about time.
Elaine: Oh listen, guess what? Cheryl convinced Ping to drop the case against me.
Jerry: Drop the case? Well, congratulations, that'll save you some money.
Elaine: Yeah, no kidding. That lawyer was gonna charge me a fortune.
Jerry: (leafing through his mail) Oh great, a birth announcement from Arnie and Joy Harris.
Jerry: Hear that? Guess who's back. (Opening the door) Hey!
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: I thought you weren't coming back till Monday.
Kramer: Well, the camp ended a few days early.
Jerry: Why?
Kramer: Uh, well there was an incident.
Jerry: What happened?
Kramer: I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Yeah, I punched him and they took him to the hospital and then they canceled the rest of the week.
Elaine: You punched who in the mouth?
Kramer: Mickey Mantle.
Jerry: What happened?
Kramer: Well, you know, we were playing a game and, you know, I was pitching, and I was really throwing some smoke. And Joe Pepitone, he was up, and man that guy, you know, he was crowding the plate.
Jerry: Wow! Joe Pepitone!
Kramer: Yeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate. So I throw one, you know, inside, you know, a little chin music, put him right on his pants. Cause I gotta intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well the next pitch, he's right back in the same place. So, I had to plunk him.
Jerry: You plunked him.
Kramer: Oh yeah. Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing up to the mound. Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know? A brouhaha breaks out between the guys in the camp, you know, and the old Yankee players, and as I'm trying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, you know, somebody pulls me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him. I looked down, and woah man, it's Mickey. I punched his lights out.
Jerry: Wow, this is incredible!
Babu: Leave me alone! You can't do this to me!
Jerry: What's going on out there?
Babu: What are you doing? This is not right, people. You're making a very bad mistake, very bad.
Jerry: Babu? (leaving) I'll be right back.
Elaine: (to Kramer) Yeah, so?
Kramer: Then Hank Bauer, you know, he's screaming, "Mickey! Mickey! What have you done with Mickey? You killed Mickey!"
Elaine: So what'd you do?
Kramer: Well, I got the hell out of there.
Elaine: They took Babu away?!
Jerry: Yeah, the Immigration guy said his Visa was expired. Poor Babu, everything was going so well for him. He had an apartment, he had a job. What a shame.
Jerry: I will, Babu! I will help you, Babu, don't worry!
Kramer: Then Hank Bauer, you know, he's chasing me around, he trips over third base and knocks over Clete Boyer.
Jerry: (thumbing through his mail) Uh oh.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: Well this is interesting.
Elaine: What is it?
Jerry: It's a letter from the Immigration Bureau, it's Babu's Visa renewal application form. They must have put it in my mailbox by mistake.
Kramer: Well, doesn't he need that?
Jerry: If you had given me my mail last week when I got home, this whole thing never would have happened.
Elaine: Well, you should have come to my house to pick it up.
Jerry: Yeah, so am I being funny now?
Elaine: No, actually, you're not being funny now.
Jerry: See, I told you I wasn't funny all the time. (George enters) Hey George, look, I'm not funny now.
George: No, and you weren't funny last night either. In fact, you got us both so depressed, she asked me to drive her home after dinner.
Jerry: Oh look, I need to get in touch with Cheryl. Babu needs a lawyer, his Visa's expired.
George: What do you need her for? There's a million lawyers.
Jerry: Yeah, but you said this is one of the things that her firm does.
George: Alright, alright, but no funny business, same deal as last night.
Jerry: Ah, will you stop it already?
George: Jerry, please?
Jerry: How long is this gonna go on?
George: Till I'm comfortable.
Jerry: Well, when is that gonna be?
George: After consummation.
Jerry: Consummation? I don't think you have enough material.
Cheryl: I actually have a friend in the Immigration Department who owes me a big favor. You're very lucky.
Jerry: (somber) That's wonderful news. Thank you.
Cheryl: You're a very serious person, aren't you?
Jerry: Well, with so many people in the world deprived and unhappy, it doesn't seem like it would be fair to be cheerful.
Cheryl: I understand.
Cheryl: I think it's curdled.
Jerry: I don't care.
Cheryl: Do you ever laugh?
Jerry: Not really. Sometimes, when I'm in the tub.
Cheryl: That's so sad. What do you do?
Jerry: I'm a comedian. Oh, let me get that. (reaching for the check) You've been so helpful.
Elaine: (entering as Jerry heads to the register) Hey, we're gonna go see Babu now, right?
Jerry: Yeah, I'll just pay for this.
Elaine: Oh, I'm just gonna go say hi to Cheryl. (walking over to the booth) Hi.
Cheryl: Hi.
Elaine: Listen, gosh, I wanted to thank you so much for convincing Ping to drop the case.
Cheryl: Well, after we met, you were all so nice. I just couldn't go through with it. But between you and me, you would have paid through the nose.
Jerry: Babu!
Babu: Jerry! Jerry, hello Jerry!
Jerry: You remember Elaine.
Babu: Yes, yes of course!
Elaine: Nice to meet you.
Babu: So nice of you both to come.
Jerry: Oh, Babu.
Babu: No no, you're both very kind, very kind.
Elaine: We try.
Jerry: We do what we can.
Elaine: We do what we can.
Babu: The problem is I never got my Visa renewal form in the mail. I was expecting it.
Jerry: Yes, well, see, here's the thing, Babu. Um, what happened was I was away for a couple of weeks doing some comedy shows.
Babu: Comedy shows! You're a very funny man.
Jerry: Well, Elaine here was picking up my mail while I was away, because you know that little box can get very full.
Babu: Oh yes, of course. TV Guide, magazines, everything. You know, I would have picked up your mail, your box is right next to mine.
Jerry: Oh, I don't want to bother you.
Babu: No bother! You get me job, you get me apartment, you very very good man.
Jerry: So yesterday, after they took you away, I looked in my mail and I noticed that the mailman accidentally put your Visa renewal in my mail box.
Babu: Come again?
Jerry: You see, I've been home for a week and Elaine didn't give me my mail until yesterday, even though I asked her repeatedly for it.
Elaine: Yeah, but Babu, he could have come to my house to pick it up.
Babu: You had my Visa application?!
Jerry: Well not technically.
Babu: (extremely and suddenly agitated) I kill you!!
Jerry: Well what about her?
Babu: I kill both of you!!
Jerry: Babu?!
Babu: No Babu! No Babu! You bad man! You very bad man! You very lazy bad man!
Jerry: Babu, I'm gonna fix everything! I have a lawyer who knows someone in the Immigration Department, they're gonna straighten the whole thing out, the wheels are in motion, things are happening even as we speak!
Babu: The wheels are in motion?
Jerry: The wheels are in motion, things are happening!
George: Jerry?
Cheryl: I'm very attracted to him.
George: You think the person you were talking to is him? That's not even close to him. He's funny, Jerry's funny.
Cheryl: He never said anything funny.
George: He can't not be funny.
Cheryl: No no no, he's dark. And disturbed.
George: Dark and disturbed? His whole life revolves around Superman and cereal. I convinced him to act like that so that you would think I was funnier. That's how disturbed I am! If you want disturbed, that's disturbed. You can't find sickness like that anywhere, you think sickness like that grows on trees? Nobody is sicker than me, nobody. He's pretending, I'm the genuine article.
Cheryl: So you're telling me Jerry's whole thing was an act?
George: Yes! And I put him up to it, because I'm sick! I'm the one that needs help.
Cheryl: I gotta go.
George: Well, should I call you later?
Cheryl: Please don't.
George: But, but I'm disturbed! I'm depressed! I'm inadequate! I got it all!!
Elaine: So, what's up with Babu? How come he's not back?
Jerry: I don't know, I don't understand it. Cheryl was supposed to take care
George: It's George.
Jerry: C'mon up.
Jerry: Babu must be back.
Babu'S Brother: Babu, my goodness, what has happened to you?
Jerry: Where's Babu?
Babu'S Brother: He is in Pakistan!
Jerry: Who are you?
Babu'S Brother: I am his brother. He knew a lawyer, it was all going to be fixed.
Jerry: I'm sure the lawyer did everything they could.
Babu'S Brother: Then where is Babu? What happened to Babu? Show me Babu!
Elaine: (offering a drink) Snapple?
Babu'S Brother: No, too fruity.
Jerry: Hey, what happened? I thought Cheryl was gonna help Babu get his Visa.
George: She didn't help him?
Jerry: No.
George: Where is he?
Jerry: He's in Pakistan.
George: Oh boy.
Jerry: What do you mean, oh boy?
George: Well, last night she told me that she liked you. Not you, the disturbed you, so I had to tell her the truth.
Jerry: Told her the truth? Well, you got Babu deported.
George: What do you mean, I got? You didn't give him his Visa application.
Jerry: That's because she had my mail.
Elaine: Yeah, well I wouldn't have had to get your mail if he hadn't gone to that fantasy camp.
Kramer: Well, I just came back from Mickey Mantle's restaurant.
Jerry: How could you go in there?
Kramer: Well, I had to. I had to apologize. I mean, I punched Mickey Mantle, my idol. It was eating me up inside!
Jerry: Well, what happened?
Kramer: I got down in my knees and went, "Go ahead, Mickey. Hit me. I'm begging you, Mickey, please hit me. C'mon, hit me. I love you, Mickey, I love you!"
Elaine: So, what did he do?
Kramer: Well, the four of them, they picked me up by my pants and they threw me outside, right into a horse.
Voice: Kramer?
Kramer: Yeah? It's my Chinese food.
Elaine: Oh! Ping! Hi! Listen, thank you so much for dropping that lawsuit against me.
Ping: Not anymore.
Elaine: What?
Ping: Cheryl call me last night, lawsuit back on.
Elaine: Why?
Ping: She call you and your friends big liars. You think she nice girl? Wait till you see her in court. She's a shark! They call her the Terminator. She never lose a case. Now you make her mad. She double the damages. Hasta la vista, baby.
Babu: So his friend got the mail but she did not give it to him. And then he came to visit me. Said the lawyer was called to help, he said the wheels were in motion, but there was no motion. There was nothing. And so they sent me back here.
Babu'S Friend: This is a terrible story, Babu. What are you going to do?
Babu: I'm going to save up every rupee. Someday, I will get back to America, and when I do I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget him. He haunts me. He is a very bad man. He is a very very bad man.