Jerry: I just think if you borrow my blender you should return it.
Kramer: Well whats the difference - Come on (pats him on the back) - were like Cain and Able.
Jerry: Yeah, ya know Cain slew Able.
Kramer: No he didnt. They were in business together it was dry wall, or somethin.
Jerry: Oh, no.
Kramer: All right then, what was it?
Jerry: Well I think Able worked hard all summer harvesting his crops, while Cain just played in the field. Then when Winter came, Able had all the nuts; Cain had no nuts, so he killed him.
Kramer: The way I remember it, Cain, he was a successful doctor, but when he took this special formula, he became Mr. Able.
Jerry: Ya broke my blender, didnt ya?
Kramer: Yeah. Well I was trying to make gravel and it just (moves hands around) just didnt work out.
Jerry: I knew it.
Jerry: Why were you making gravel?
Kramer: Well ... I like the sound it makes when you walk on it.
Kramer: Aahh, this looks familiar
Jerry: Of course. It's garbage.
Kramer: No, no, no, no. These brown things. The chairs. (hits his hand on the rim) Jerry, this is the set from the old Merv Griffin Show! (he climbs into the dumpster) They must be throwing it out. This stuff belongs in the Smithsonian!
Jerry: Yeah, at least in the dumpster behind the Smithsonian.
Kramer: Look at this. Boy, one minute Elliot Gould is sitting on you and the next thing - you're yesterday's trash.
Jerry: Come on, Kramer, get out of there.
Kramer: No, no, no. You go on ahead. I'm not finished taking this in. Oh, Jerry look ... Merv Griffin's cigar.
Jerry: (moans) Ohhh (walks away)
George: You know I uh, spilled a yogurt smoothie in here two days ago. Hm, Can't smell anything, can ya?
Miranda: Banana?
George: Right.
Miranda: George watch out for those pigeons.
George: Oh they'll get out of the way. You really smell banana?
Miranda: (gasp) Oh my God. (trying to catch her breath, she puts her hand to her chest.)
George: So uh where we eating?
Jerry: And it was his idea to put a sprig of parsley on the plate.
Celia: You're making this up. There was never a Joseph Garnish.
Jerry: Wow! (Jerry spots all the classic toys)
Celia: Oh yeah the toys.
Jerry: Where did you get all these?
Celia: My dad was a collector. I inherited them after he died from a long painful bout with
Jerry: Super bowl! Hey, an original G.I. Joe. (picks up both items) With a full frogman suit.
Celia: Jerry, what are you doing?
Jerry: I'm putting this on him and we're going to the sink.
Celia: Ohhh Jerry. (takes them from Jerry and puts them back with the other toys) They're priceless. They've never been played with.
Jerry: I just want a, touch em a little.
Celia: I said no. Now come here.
Lou: Hi (startled, Elaine spills her coffee on her sleeve) I'm Lou Filerman. I'm new here.
Elaine: Hey Walter, what is the deal with that guy?
Walter: uh-He's Lou Filerman. He's new here.
Elaine: (exhales)
Walter: Hey your coffee stain looks like Fidel Castro.
Elaine: You've been an enormous help.
Jerry: You ran over some pigeons? How many?
George: What ever they had. Miranda thinks I'm a butcher but i-i-it's not my fault is it? Don't we have a deal with the pigeons?
Jerry: Course we have a deal. They get out of the way of our cars, we look the other way on the statue defecation.
George: Right! And these pigeons broke the deal. I will not accept the blame for this!
Jerry: So Miranda's cooled on ya?
George: I'm getting nothing.
Jerry: Yeah, me neither.
George: Really? I thought you and Celia were sleeping together?
Jerry: Oh, the sex is wild but she's got this incredible toy collection and she won't let me near it!
George: I don't understand women.
Jerry: Here comes one.
Elaine: Hey. What's going on?
George: Hey (sees the coffee stain) Art Garfunkel?
Elaine: No, Castro.
George: Right.
Elaine: All because of this creepy new guy at work. He just - he just comes out of nowhere and he's right next to you!
Jerry: So he just sidles up?
Elaine: That's right! He's a real sidler. (points at Jerry)
Jerry: Maybe you just didn't see him.
Elaine: Wha-You never see him. He sidled me again in my office. I was sitting there making Cup-A-Soup singing that song from "The Lion King".
Jerry: Hakuna Matata?
Elaine: I thought I was alone.
Jerry: That doesn't make it right.
Jerry: See, to me, the Hakuna Matata is not nearly as embarrassing as the cup of soup...
Elaine: Would you just, let it go?
Kramer: (from his apartment) Hey, Jerry! Come here a sec!
Kramer: Hey! (moving a chair onto the set)
Jerry: Oh my God!
Kramer: (Outstretched arms) It's the Merv Griffin set. (Claps 7 times)
Jerry: How did you get this in here?
Kramer: Oh, you just bring it in sideways and (pop) hook it.
Jerry: So where you gonna sleep?
Kramer: Yeah ... backstage.
Elaine: Ehnn! This chair smells like garbage.
Kramer: (putting on jacket) Oh, well a lot of the stars from the 70's - they were not as hygienic as they appeared on TV. You take Mannix for example.
Jerry: I'm gonna get that. (walks across the set towards the blue curtain)
Kramer: All right. Well, Jerry, we'd love to have you back anytime. (stretches his arm out, as if hes reaching out a good-bye)
Kramer: Well, Elaine Benes! Well, it's great to have you! (Elaine sits down) Boy, is it possible that you're even more beautiful than the last time I saw you?
Elaine: (giggles)
George: Ahh, Ah-AhWe had a deal!
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, here are these pages that you wanted.
Peterman: One moment. I'm reading the most fascinating article on the most fascinating people of the year. Annnnnd, done. Oh, yes. I'm sorry I needed this so quickly (leafing through the pages). It must have been an awful lot of work. Thank you very much, you two.
Elaine: What? (with arms crossed, she turns quickly and )
Jerry: So three dates and she still won't let me play with her toys.
Kramer: Hm, That's interesting. You know someone mentioned to me you were not very happy with your toys, growing up.
Jerry: Yeah, that was me.
Kramer: Oh, that's right, right, right. And uh you mentioned that uh, you didn't get a G.I. Joe. You had an
Jerry: An Army Pete.
Kramer: Right.
Jerry: He was made of wood and in the rain he would swell up and then split.
Kramer: And we all know how painful that can be. (as he says this, he turns and speaks directly into the non-existent television camera. Jerry looks a bit confused.)
Elaine: Jerry. Oh there - -
Kramer: Oh, Elaine Benes. Well, this is quite a thrill, yes. Come - (motions for Jerry to move down one seat as the new guest has arrived for her segment. Kramer gives Jerry a little push) Come on sit down. Yes.
Elaine: (clears throat) (to Jerry) Well, I'll tell ya, this sidler guy is really chapping my hide.
Kramer: Ju - Excuse me. Yeah we're, talking this way.
Elaine: Well, he's getting credit for work that I did! He's gonna sidle me right out of a job.
Kramer: Ah, Now, for those of us who don't know, uh, sidling is what?
Elaine: Kramer, what is wrong with you?
Kramer: What do you mean?
Elaine: Well, for starters, you're looking at note cards
Elaine: (to Jerry) I'm gonna have to give that guy a taste of his own medicine, so, I am going to sidle, the sidler.
Jerry: You, sidle? Y-You ... you stomp around like a Clydesdale!
Elaine: Not with these honeys. ... Wrestling shoes!
Kramer: (to the imaginary TV camera) Only in New York. ... ha ha
George: Jerry?
Kramer: Oh! (turns on the Merv Griffin theme music) Heeeyy! Well, ladies and gentlemen! It's our good friend, George Costanza! What a surprise!
Tape Recorder: Turn Music Off (Kramer pushes the off button turning the music off)
Kramer: Yeah, sit, sit, sit Weeell! (laughing, clapping)
George: Well, it happened again.
Jerry: What happened?
Kramer: Eyaaaya-ya-ya, I'll ask the questions. What happened?
George: Well I just stomped some pigeons in the park. They - they didn't move.
Kramer: All right, let's uh, change the subject, ah. (looking at the yellow note cards) Now, uh you and uh, Jerry dated for a while. Tell us ah ... what was that like?
Kramer: That was the wrong card.
George: I-I don't get these birds! They're breaking the deal. It-it's like the pigeons decided to ignore me!
Jerry: So they're like everyone else.
Kramer: (laughs too loudly) All right, let's take a short break.
Kramer: Okay ah, (checks his watch) We're back!
George: Boy that-that bank clock is-is eight minutes off.
Miranda: Then why don't you just run IT over too?
George: Zing.
Miranda: George, what are you doing?
George: Did you see that? That-that pigeon didn't move! I had to swerve to get out of the way! I saved that pigeons life!
Miranda: What pigeon? You drove right into that squirrel. (leaves the car)
George: Squirrel? Well, we have no deal with THEM!
Jerry: (sound of gunfire) Pkew, pkew, pkew, pkew, Pkeeew!
Celia: Jerry! (she slides away from him) Those hands! They never stop!
Jerry: I'm sorry. Got any booze? What's say you and I get ripped!
Celia: No. Thanks. I have a headache. Can you just get me an aspirin?
Jerry: All right.
Jerry: Ohh, will not cause drowsiness"
Lou: Here's the new copy you wanted.
Peterman: Ah, yes. Well this certainly looks like a lot of words. In record time. I'm very impressed ... with both of you.
Elaine: (winks and clicks) Thank you. ha ha ha ha. (sits down)
Peterman: Unfortunately, I am also disgusted. This is incoherent drivel! This is a total redo. And I'm assuming I need it right away.
Elaine: Well, I guess we'll just have - (Lou has left) Ohh, just gimme that. (takes the papers and walks away)
Jerry: Uhn-uh-uhn - Uhn-uh-uhn - veeer, veeer, veeer, veeer, veeer, veeer, veeer, veeer A-Ha ha! Mission accomplished! Back to base, Joe. (singing) dee, de-de, de-de-de-de-de (Makes G.I. Joe swim off, legs kicking)
Miranda: Doctor is the squirrel going to live?
Doctor: There's been massive trauma. We could of course try to save him but, it would be costly, difficult and we'd have to send away for some special really tiny instruments.
George: Well, uh, are there any other options?
Doctor: We, could put him to sleep.
George: What might that cost?
Doctor: Well it's by the pound. So ... about 80 cents.
George: Well? (Miranda hits George) I was just - I'm curious, that's all. We, uh. We'd like you to, do everything possible.
Doctor: He, um. He's not going to be the same, you know?
George: Yeah. yeah. I-I know.
George: So they're flying the tiny instruments in from El Paso.
Kramer: El Paso? I spent a month there one night.
Newman: (laughs - T-heheheheheheheh) El Paso!
Jerry: What's he here for?
Newman: eue-aaa.
Kramer: Ah to take some of the pressure off of me. So, Jerry ah, what's going on with you? I understand there's a young lady in your life. mmm.
Jerry: Well, actually, it's kind of a funny story because she has this amazing toy collection and last night I finally got to play with them.
Kramer: Well. Sounds like things are progressing. Do I hear, wedding bells?
Newman: Are you married right now? (points at Jerry)
Kramer: Newman. (Kramer smacks Newmans arm)
Jerry: Actually she doesn't even know about the toys. I gave her the wrong kind of medicine and I, guess she passed out!
Kramer: What do you mean "wrong kind of medicine"?
Jerry: She's even got that old Mattel football game that we love!
George: Oh, come on! You gotta get me over there!
Kramer: Wait a minute, wait a minute! You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take advantage of her toys? Let's pause a moment. (Newman starts the taped music) Jerry, now, what you do with your personal life is your business, but when you're on my set - you clean it up, mister!
Newman: I told you he was a risk.
Jerry: Oh, like he's not just carrying you! And has been for years!
Newman: Yeah? Well, you bombed! That story stunk worse than these chairs!
Kramer: Smile, everyone! We're back!
Lou: You wanted to see me, Elaine?
Elaine: Yes, Lou. (exhales) You've got a lot going for you. You're um ... you're spontaneous. You're, symmetrical. You're, uh, ... (spins around as Lou is behind her now) Ehh - you're very quick, aren't ya. Um, It's just that your...
Lou: My dead tooth?
Elaine: No. Your. (breathes)
Lou: Not my breath?
Elaine: Uuhhh.
Lou: What can I do?
Elaine: Well, you should never ever go anywhere, (shakes a box of Tic Tacs) without these.
Lou: Thanks, Elaine. You're such a super lady! (he opens the door and goes into the hall - now he clicks and clacks when he walks)
George: More wine and turkey? (Pours Celia more wine)
Celia: Hmm. (takes a sip)
Jerry: So when I saw George on the street with an 18 pound turkey and a giant box of wine, I thought ... What a coincidence. We're just about to eat.
Celia: What is that stuff in turkey that makes you sleepy?
Jerry And George: Tryptophan.* (*footnote - see end of script)
Celia: Ahh.
Jerry: ... I think. Have some more wine. (Jerry pours his whole glass of wine into her glass.)
Celia: What video did you get?
George: Oh.
Jerry: Oh, George brought home movies of his boyhood trip to Michigan.
George: Four hours.
Jerry: More heavy gravy?
George: (playing with toys) Ahhhh, Yes! Touch down! Your turn, Jerry. (hands Jerry the Mattel Football. George starts playing with the Etch-a-sketch.)
Newman: Lately, though, I've been, uh, - I've been buying the generic brand of waxed beans. You know, I rip of the label I can hardly tell the difference.
Kramer: We've officially bottomed out, mm. Who's our next guest?
Newman: We got no one!
Kramer: We need a new format. We should shut down and re-tool.
Newman: What about a guest-host?
Kramer: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
Miranda: Doctor, how's the squirrel?
George: Is he dead?
Doctor: No. Fortunately, the special tiny instruments arrived just in time. Would you like to visit him?
Miranda: Yes he would.
Doctor: You uh, You have 30 minutes. (Doctor exits. George turns and looks towards the doctor)
George: So ... uh, squirrel.
Doctor: One more thing Mister Costanza, we just need to know what time you'll be picking him up tomorrow.
George: What's that?
Doctor: Oh, we're discharging the squirrel. We think he'll be better off at home.
George: He has no home. He's a squirrel.
Doctor: Hmm-hm. Your home, Mister Costanza. Just make sure he gets his medicine six times a day and keep his tail elevated. (exits)
Jerry: Maybe it'll be fun having a pet.
George: It's not a pet! It's a wild invalid! And it knows that I tried to kill it. As soon as it gets better, it's gonna gnaw my brain out in my sleep!
Kramer: Jerry, (claps) aaya - what are you doin' tomorrow? I want you to come by the set.
Jerry: What about my "questionable material"?
Kramer: Nope, we got a whole new format. Edgy, youthful, plus ... we got Jim Fowler!
Jerry: Jim Fowler? The animal guy from "Wild Kingdom" is coming to your apartment?
Kramer: Well, I practically raised his kids.
George: That's perfect! He's a zoo guy! He take's care of animals. C-Can I bring the squirrel by?
Kramer: What? Two animal acts on the same show? (turns to Jerry) What is this, amateur hour? Look, George, I'm sorry, maybe another time, all right? (drums table and exits)
George: I gotta get to Fowler. I know that he would take this squirrel off my hands. It's practically bionic!
Elaine: Hey! (startles Jerry and George) ha ha ha ha. Nice sidle, huh? Speaking, of which I think Ive got that problem, solved.
Jerry: Tic-Tacs work?
Elaine: He's a human maraca.
George: Boy, my knuckles are still cramped from that football game.
Elaine: You took him over to Celia's?
Jerry: What? It's a victimless crime.
Elaine: What about the woman who's been drugged and taken advantage of?
Jerry: Okay, one victim.
Elaine: I think it's unconscionable.
George: Hey, last night, I found a whole Weeble Village right behind the EZ Bake oven.
Elaine: EZ Bake oven?
Elaine: Who wants cupcake?
George: Oh, me, me, me, me, me!
Jerry: You know, that batter is, like, 30 years old.
Frank: (on TV) You step on it and it flushes.
Elaine: Why is your father giving a tour of a rest stop?
Estelle: (on TV) Stop squirming.
George: Oh, don't look. T-This is the part where they change me.
Jerry: You're like eight years old.
Estelle: (on TV) Georgie.
George: I was seven and a half.
Peterman: That noise. That's the noise!
Elaine: What?
Peterman: That infernal rattling sound that has plagued me these past two days - and I could not find the source. In my office, in the hallway. Even in the men's room! Shame on you, Elaine!
Elaine: No, no, Mr. Peterman that wasn't me!
Peterman: That reminds me of the Hatian Voodoo rattle torture! You haven't gone over to their side have you?
Elaine: No Mister Peterman.
Peterman: Because, if I hear one more rattle - just one - your out on your can. And if you are undead - I'll find out about that too. (Exits)
Elaine: (pushes Lou into the room) Lou! In here! (closes the door) We have to talk.
Lou: Oh, right.
Elaine: (Takes the Tic Tacs away from Lou) Ooh, stop it! Bad voodoo. You gotta stop using these.
Lou: Why?
Elaine: Because they're turning your teeth green?
Lou: I only buy the white ones.
Elaine: O-kay ... well then your teeth are green for a different reason. You just gotta stop carrying these, okay? Just ... just mouth wash.
Lou: I can't. It burns my cankers.
Elaine: Binaca?
Lou: Again.
Elaine: Right, right, cankers. Um, I got it! Chew gum!
Lou: I hate gum. The only guy I ever liked came with the Mickey Mouse gumball machine. They stopped making that 20 years ago.
Elaine: Well, stinky, this is your lucky day.
Kramer: Okay. A little later, we're gonna be talking with animal expert, Jim Fowler.
Fowler: Where are the cameras? (he has a live Hawk perched on his arm)
Kramer: But first, we're talking with, Jerry. (looks down to his yellow note cards) Okay, Jerry, uh, you uh, you drugged a woman in order to play with her toy, collection. How do you feel about that?
Jerry: It was great! I've done it a few more time since then.
Kramer: And she doesn't know anything, about this?
Jerry: No, not a thing.
Kramer: Well, Jerry, we have a little surprise for you! Come on out, Celia!
Celia: What kind of a sick twisted creep are you?
Newman & Kramer: Woah.
Jerry: What, What is this? What is she doing here?
Kramer: It's the new format. Scandals and Animals. Git gt gt.
Celia: If you think you can drug me and play with my toys, you got another thing coming, buddy!
Newman: Go girl!
Jerry: Well, what kind of woman drinks an entire box of wine?
Newman And Kramer: Ohhh!
George: Mister Fowler, I-I have a squirrel here that is a miracle of modern science! (laughs)
Kramer: George I told you we're booked!
Fowler: Careful. Hawks and squirrels don't get along together.
Kramer: Ohhh. another interesting confrontation. This could be spicy. Yeah, George bring him over.
George: Uh.
Fowler: No, you idiot! Hawks eat squirrels!
George: Ahhhh, Ahh, Ah, Ahhh, Ahh, Ah!
Kramer: (off camera) Are we getting this?
Jerry: So the whole set was destroyed?
Kramer: Well, the squirrel kept scurrying and the hawk kept clawing.
George: Well, at least we know the prosthetic squirrel hips work ... sorry bout the set.
Kramer: Ill tell ya it was a grind having to fill 10 hours a day. I'm not sure I was ready to have my own talk show set.
Miranda: I got the nut bread, George. Let's go. (exits)
Jerry: So the squirrel's gonna make it?
George: Yeah, he's in my bed. I'm sleeping on the couch.
Jerry: On the couch? So you're...
George: Still getting nothing!
George: So go ahead pigeons. hu hu hu. Laugh it up. I'm getting in my car now and the last I heard ... we have NO DEAL!
Celia: I'm glad you called, Elaine. I really needed to talk to someone.
Elaine: Oh well, hey, I dated Jerry too. I-I know what a monster he can be. More wine and turkey?
Celia: Who's he? (Lou)
Elaine: Oh, he's nobody. Hey, listen, ... let me top that off for ya. (pours her glass of wine into Celias glass)


Elaine: Hey.
Jerry: Morning.
Elaine: Look, this is crazy, I can't go on like this.
Jerry: But why?
Elaine: I need some space.
George: Does that mean I have to go too?
Jerry: You don't think she's just talking to me?
George: Hey, shut up.
Jerry: You shut up.
Elaine: I hate this.
Kramer: You'll get used to it. It's like a grubby scrub.
Elaine: No, I don't want this anymore.
Jerry: We'll come to work with you.
George: And on your dates.
Jerry: And shopping.
Kramer: And to the bathroom.
Jerry, George & Kramer: Elaine, Elaine, Elaine, Elaine...(distant alarm sound which is getting louder.)
Elaine: I can't breath...I'm sorry...(Elaine wakes up) You're killing me!
(Elaine Tries To Push Her Alarm Clock Showing 3: 30. She realizes, that alarm comes from next door.)
Elaine: (Banging the wall) Turn your alarm off!! (Screams)
Kruger: Your background is impressive George, but how does it apply to what we do here, at Kruger Industrial Smoothing?
George: Well, at the Yankees it was all about smoothing things over, you know, chiseling away, grinding down. In fact we used to call it 'the grind'.
Kruger: It says here that you worked at Play Now for four days?
George: That should be 14, let me just...(corrects it with a pen.)
Kruger: George, I have to honest; I could go either way with you...but what the hell, we need someone, huh.
George: You won't regret this, sir.
Kruger: I don't care. Let's find you an office.
(Kruger Leaves And George Notices A Photograph On The Table: Kruger's family and George on the background.)
George: ...and then when I saw the photo I remembered where I'd seen him; the boom box incident.
Jerry: The boom box incident?
George: Summer of '89 I'm at the beach. This family sits up next to me. I go in to the surfs and when I come from out, my clothes, my towel, my umbrella, they're all gone. I am furious, I start screaming to these kids demanding my stuff back and finally I lose it; I grab their boom box and I chuck it in to the ocean.
Jerry: Seems reasonable.
George: Then I see my clothes floating out there. The tied took them out, not the kids.
Jerry: Even more reasonable.
George: So now, the father is screaming at me, he's demanding that I pay for the boom box. Finally, I gave them a fake address and got the hell out of there.
Jerry: And that guy is your new boss?
George: Until that stupid photo jogs his memory.
Kramer: Kruger? That's not Kruger Industrial Smoothing, is it?
George: Yeah.
Kramer: Grinders, sanders, wet stones. They are the ones who botched the Statue of Liberty job.
Jerry: Right, they couldn't get the green stuff off.
George: It is a horrible company. There's no management what so ever. I could go hog wild in there.
Kramer: You now what you do? You sneak that photo out of there for couple of days and get it air brushed.
George: Like retouched.
Kramer: You remember that photo of me and Gerald Ford and I took it in. Got that Ford right out of there.
George: Oh, this is good. This Kruger guy is clueless. I can't wait to work for him.
Kramer: Look at this. This sandwich is terrible. Everywhere you go, they give you this misshaped shardy meat. Look at this...
Kramer: I haven't had a decent sandwich in 13 years.
Jerry: Neither have I.
Kramer: Hey, our meat problems are solved.
Jerry: Where did you get this thing?
Kramer: I traded it to my sausage press. Look how thin that is, see that's all surface area. The taste has nowhere to hide.
Elaine: Hey.
Kramer: Hey, spice. (gives Elaine a piece of meat.) Welcome to flavor country.
Elaine: Yeah, that's pretty good.
Jerry: Hey, I got a date with that doctor you met.
Elaine: Sara Sitarides?
Jerry: Mmhu.
Elaine: Oh...(falls in to the sofa.)
Jerry: What's with you?
Elaine: You remember that next door neighbor of mine, the apartment that always smells like potatoes?
Jerry: Your whole building smells like potatoes.
Elaine: This jackass goes to Paris, leaves the alarm on. It's been beeping since 330 this morning.
Kramer: You know, that happened to Lomez, so he blew his neighbor's circuit.
Elaine: How do you do that?
Kramer: Yeah well, that's easy. Just let me finish this mile high and I'll be right with you. Oh, and Jerry, we are gonna need a case of Kaiser rolls.
Jerry: I think we might have one left in the stock room.
Kramer: This hallway smells like potatoes.
Elaine: I know, I know, this is it. (points to a door.)
Kramer: Ok, oh, you see this socket it's probably connected to her apartment. So what we'll do, we'll take this paper clip and bend it so it'll short out the entire circuit. Here you go...
Elaine: I think I'll let you do it.
Kramer: No no no. It's easy, you just...do it quickly.
Elaine: No, I really don't want to.
Kramer: Well, I don't want to either.
Elaine: I thought you had done this before.
Kramer: It's just...it's no picnic.
Elaine: Well, how are we gonna do it?
Kramer: Alright, fine fine, I'll do it.
Kramer: Oh mama.
Elaine: Are you okay?
Kramer: I will lose that nail.
Sara: I enjoy the challenge of medicine. Naturally you have no idea what it's like to have someone's life depending on you.
Jerry: Well, I have this neighbor...
Sara: A joke. Do you have any idea how it feels like to save someone's life?
Jerry: Is it anything like hitting a home run in softball?
Sara: No.
Jerry: Cause I hit a whopper last week!
Clerk: Here you go, airbrushed in to sand and sky.
George: What did you do here? You took out the wrong guy.
Clerk: I thought you said you wanted to be out?
George: Well, I'm still here. You took out the other guy!
Clerk: You've really lost a lot of hair.
George: I am aware!
Elaine Thinking: Hmm, the world's best pizza cutter. 76 bucks, how often do I make...oh, I've gotta buy a book.
Elaine: The cat.
Jerry: He took out Kruger?
George: I just pray Kruger doesn't realize that it's gone until this guy can fix it up.
Kramer: This slicer is indomitable.
Jerry: Where did you get that butcher's coat?
Kramer: You buy enough meat, they'll give you anything.
Elaine: Kramer, my neighbor has a cat. When you blew the power, we must've shut off the automatic feeder.
Kramer: See, that's the same thing that happened to Lomez.
Elaine: What did he do about it?
Kramer: Well, he moved to a hotel and the cat eventually died.
Elaine: Well, this meowing is absolutely worst than the alarm.
Kramer: Oh, that's a prickly one.
Elaine: Yeah, how's the doctor date?
Jerry: Eh, died on the table. Just spent hour and a half making me feel, if I don't save lives, I'm worthless.
Elaine: Well, she's very focused. Dermatology is her life.
Jerry: Dermatology?
Elaine: Yes, she's a dermatologist.
Jerry: Saving lives? The whole profession is; eh, just put some aloe on it.
Kramer: The slicer! Elaine, let's go.
Elaine: Where are we going?
Kramer: The cat. Just grab that meat and let's ride.
George: When are you going on your next date with her?
Jerry: Oh, what's the point?
George: What, you're gonna pass up a wonderful opportunity to put that aloe pusher in her place?
Jerry: Revenge date? That sound like you more than me.
George: This good be so sweet, Jerry. Saving lives? She's one step away working at the clinique counter!
Jerry: Dermatologist? Skin doesn't need a doctor!
George: Of course not! Wash it, dry it, move on!
Jerry: You're right. I'm gonna call her right now and tell her off.
George: No no no no no, this has to be carefully orchestrated. You go to a fancy dinner, flowers...
Jerry: Flowers?
George: Yeah, you gotta do it classy (wipes his mouth to his sweater.)
Jerry: So, you've done this?
George: Almost. Couldn't get the girl go out with me the second time.
Kramer: I think we are looking half a millimeter.
Elaine: Can it cut that thin?
Kramer: Oh, I've cut slices so thin, I couldn't even see them.
Elaine: How did you know you cut it?
Kramer: Well, I guess I just assumed.
Elaine: Hold on kitty, dinner's coming.
Kramer: Yeah, that's a hall of famer.
Elaine: Alright, let's do it.
Kramer: Alright, here we go. Yeah, watch that baby slide...(Puts a slice of meat under the door.)
Elaine: Come on, come on kitty...(slice disappears) ooh...how about that; it worked! Wow, can I borrow that thing for a while?
Kramer: Oh no, I don't think so.
Elaine: Why not?
Kramer: Well, you're not checked at on it.
Elaine: What do I have to know?
Kramer: Well, where the meat goes?
Elaine: Right there.
Kramer: Where do you turn it on?
Elaine: Right there.
Kramer: But where does the meat go?
Sara: Restaurant, flowers...this is so nice.
Jerry: Well, I'm a classy guy. How's the life saving business?
Sara: It's fine.
Jerry: It must take a really really big zit, to kill a man!
Sara: What is with you?
Jerry: You call yourself a lifesaver. I call you pimple popper MD!
Parry: Dr. Sitarides?
Sara: Mr. Parry, how are you?
Parry: I just wanted to thank you again for saving my life.
Jerry: She saved your life?
Parry: I had skin cancer.
Jerry: Skin cancer! Damn.
Elaine: You were right Kramer, this slicer is absolutely amazing...yeah, yeah...no no no I'll bring it by tonight...ok bye.
Elaine: These heals are so uneven. (Watches the slicer.)
Clerk: Here you Mr. Costanza.
George: What is this? This is a drawing.
Clerk: Looks real, doesn't it?
George: This is a cartoon!
Clerk: Hey, I had to draw that guy from memory. Considering, I think that's damn good.
George: But it's not a photograph, I need a photograph!
Clerk: Then you better get a camera.
Jerry: He looks like a Peanuts character.
George: I know. The only way to fix it now, is to get a whole new photo of Kruger.
Jerry: You can do that.
George: Without his shirt on.
Jerry: You can't do that. Well, maybe Kruger wasn't the place for you.
George: It seemed so disorganized.
Jerry: I understand.
George: What about the Coast Guard? Seems like a lot of pride there, a lot of tradition.
Jerry: True. You mean, for you?
George: I think.
Jerry: What about your sea sickness?
George: Maybe I could be a land guy.
Jerry: I don't know if they have land guys.
George: Someone's have to unhook the boat before it leaves...the place!
Elaine: Pliers?
Jerry: Drawer.
Elaine: Got it.
Jerry: What are they for?
Elaine: I...eh...I got a piece a my heal stuck in a slicer.
Jerry: Come again?
Elaine: Okay, I got a little slicer happy, but listen; don't tell Kramer, okay? He has very strong feelings for it.
George: I forgot to ask you; how did the revenge date go?
Jerry: Eh, it went okay.
George: Did you dressed nice, did you do it classy?
Jerry: Yeah, I started out real classy...
George: Yeah you did, you classed it up!
Jerry: But then I found out about the skin cancer.
George: Oh, so it backfired?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: So, I guess I was lucky that I never tried that myself.
Elaine: Of course she treats skin cancer. That's how I met her, she was doing a skin cancer screening at Peterman. That's what dermatologists do.
Jerry: Sadly, that knowledge could've help me.
George: Wait a minute, she did a skin cancer screening at Peterman?
Elaine: Aha.
George: Could she do that at Kruger?
Elaine: I don't know, I guess.
George: So I set up a screening, everyone takes their shirt off and click, I snap me a shot of a bear-chested Kruger.
Elaine: You have a little thing for this fella'?
George: Jerry, you gotta talk to Sitarides.
Jerry: Yesterday you said I had to get my revenge on her!
George: And that was wrong, Jerry! You simple must to apologize..
Jerry: Must I?
George: Yes! Because it is the mature, adult thing to do.
Jerry: How does that reflect me?
Kramer: Elaine, alright where's the SP2000? Cause I gotta slice.
Elaine: Aah, I forgot it. I gotta get home.
Kramer: Ok, I'll go with you.
Elaine: Umm, I'm not actually going straight to home, I have to first stop at the eh...circus, you know with all the...clowns.
Kramer: Oh, well you have fun...(Elaine leaves) oh no clowns...hate clowns...the clowns.
Jerry: So again, I'm sorry. I had no right to yell at you, you're a life saving doctor and I'm just a comedian...
Sara: Jerry, enough. I'll do your friend's cancer screening, because I believe in that, but as far as you and I are concerned; it's off.
Jerry: Was it pimple popper MD?
Sara: That's the one. (Taps Jerry on the cheek and leaves.)
Jerry: Still got it.
Elaine: Out, damn heal!
Kramer: Elaine?
Elaine: Kramer?
Kramer: Yeah listen, I need my slicer back.
Elaine: Just hold on!
Kramer: Hey, what's going on?
Elaine: Nothing...(heal comes loose and Elaine opens the door.) Here, ok I'm on the phone alright? I'm on the phone with someone...
Kramer: My blade is all dinged up. Oh, come on! Elaine!
Elaine: Phone call! I'm in a big phone call!
Kramer: Come on, this is important! (Shakes the door handle and it comes loose. Kramer falls backwards to the next door.)
Neighbor: Hey, get the hell out of here!
Kramer: Wow, that's a lot of potatoes.
Kramer: So, George took my slicer down to Kruger and they're smoothing it out for me.
Jerry: What the hell is this?
Kramer: Boy, that looks like an allergic reaction. Have you been wearing a fake beard?
Jerry: No.
Kramer: Well, what have you been doing?
Jerry: Nothing, I got up, run some errands, I went down to Sara's office and apologized...
Kramer: Whoa whoa, backup, Dr. Sitarides, what happened there?
Jerry: Well, I tried to apologise, it didn't go over that well...
Kramer: There, there's your hives.
Jerry: What, she gave me hives?
Kramer: Jerry, as the Bible says; Thou who cureth, can maketh ill.
Jerry: She did kind of touch my face.
Kramer: Now you listen to me, you've got to find this woman and tell her that you're not a test tube pin cushion.
Jerry: It does itch. Maybe I will go down at Kruger and talk to her.
Kramer: Alright, great, because I got to get down there and pick up my blade. Hey, and I couldn't find that stock room.
Elaine: Oh, that's fantastic.
George: I just talked to Mr. Kruger, he'll be down in a minute. He wanted me to take a photograph for the record.
Sara: What record?
George: His personal file, I, I don't ask...
Sara: Jerry? What brings you here?
Jerry: I don't know, this? (Shows his neck to Sara.)
Sara: Looks like hives.
Jerry: Where do you suppose that could've come from?
George: Jerry, what are you doing...
Kramer: He is just setting the record straight.
Jerry: Come on Sitarides, cop to it. What brand of perverted science do you practice?
Sara: Are you suggesting I somehow I infected you on purpose?
Jerry: I want the antidote, pimple popper!
Sara: That's it, I'm out of here! You're insane.
Jerry: Am I? You touched my face. I didn't imagine that!
George: Dr. Sitarides don't go! Oh, thanks Jerry!
Kruger: Hey George, hey Doc. We doing the screening here?
George: Aah, yeah, yeah. Won't you head on in, we'll be in in a second. Be right with you.
Kramer: Doc, huh?
George: Kramer, this is perfect. I need you to go in there, pretend you're a doctor and check this guy for moles.
Kramer: Moles, yes. Freckle's ugly cousin.
George: And get a picture of him, with his shirt off.
Kramer: You really are cooking up a little scheme here, aren't you?
George: Alright, lets get in there. Quick, quick, quick...
Elaine: This is it. I can take this anymore.
(She Turns The Radio On Loud (Foghat: Slow Ride) and "dances" few little kicks.)
Kramer: Male mammal. Approximately 30 to 60 years of age. Weight...uh indeterminate. Ok, Mr. Kruger, we are gonna take a photo now for the records. So if you'll stand up please and give me a big smile, oh no no no, not that big. Yeah, that's nice, yes okay. Yes, let's have a looksee...ok, so eh, fiber from shirt on the left shoulder. I'm gonna have to keep my on that.
Kruger: How long have you been doing this Dr. Van Nostrand?
Kramer: Uuh, long long time. Yes, I've seen moles so big they have their own moles. Freckles that cover two men.
Kruger: So, how am I looking?
Kramer: Oh, so far, so good...(looks at Mr. Kruger's shoulder) yeuye...
George: Kramer, I really owe you one.
Kramer: George, we got a problem.
George: What?
Kramer: Well, he's got a mole on his shoulder. Very suspicious.
George: So, tell him you're concerned about it and he should see someone else.
Kramer: George, why would I, a Juilliard trained dermatologist, send him to another doctor?
George: Because, you're not a dermatologist.
Kramer: He thinks I am. I'm not gonna betray that trust. Here's what I wanna do; I think I can get a section...
George: Whoa, whoa, a section?!
Kramer: Yeah, if I could crab my slicer and he'd hold still...
George: No, you're not taking a deli slicer to my boss...
Kramer: It'll be operative thing, he would barely feel it.
George: No! Absolutely Not!
Kramer: Well, it's my medical opinion, that you're making a big mistake. And it's going in my chart.
[Elaine Is On The Phone And The Radio Plays Music Very Loud (Iron Butterfly: In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida)]
Elaine: Yeah, hello is this Allied Lock Smith?! Oh, finally, listen I need someone to come over here right away!
Neighbor: Turn it off! Turn it off!
Elaine: I am getting a lock smith, alright?! Relax!
Neighbor: Alright, that's it!
Elaine: Yeah, the address is 78th West...
Neighbor: Oh, oh mama...
Jerry: So, Kramer pulled it off?
George: Yep, and the photo was all fixed and back on his desk, no thanks to you.
Jerry: Well, that woman had it coming to her. Look at my neck, it looks like I had a beard of bees!
George: Why don't you see someone about it?
Jerry: I've called everyone. You know how hard it is to get a dermatologist in this town? (Kramer comes in) A real dermatologist.
Kramer: (Points to a page on the book) Squamous cell carcinoma.
George: You're not a doctor. You shouldn't even have books like this.
Kramer: George, that's what he has and I have to give him a call. Now we gotta came clean.
George: You can't tell him the truth, you're gonna blow the whole thing.
Kramer: I don't want this on my conscience.
George: I'll get him to see a real doctor. You just stay away from this.
Kramer: Yeah, alright...
Jerry: Hey, I wonder if they have a picture of my rash in here.
Kramer: They've got everything there, Jerry. I underlined the best parts.
Jerry: Hey, this looks like the thing I have. Caused by exposure to benzene, a common ingredient in metal cleaners.
Kramer: Well, that's weird.
Jerry: What are you doing?
Kramer: Well, I'm cleaning my slicer.
Jerry: That's my hand towel! I use that on my face, hands and chest! That's where the hives are coming from! It's not from Dr. Sitarides, it's from Dr. Van Nostrand!
Kramer: So, somehow the Bronzo (?) is reacting to the poison she's giving you.
Jerry: Alright, get out. And take your Bronzo with you (throws the bottle to Kramer.)
Kramer: Ohh, that's toxic. (Jerry throws the towel over Kramer's head.) Ououou...
Kruger: George, come in. I'm just going over our annual report...boy did we take it on the chin last year.
George: Eh, listen Mr. Kruger, I got a message from Dr. Van Nostrand and he says it might be wise to you to see another doctor about that mole.
Kruger: I'm not too worried about it.
George: Well, he said it could be cancer, maybe you should get it checked out.
Kruger: George, take a look at this photo. This is taken 10 years ago. That mole looks exactly as it does today. So, there's no cause for concern, eh?
George: Whatever.
Kruger: Actually, funny thing about this photo. We were at the beach and there was this dumb looking guy near by. When he went in for a swim, my sons and I took all his stuff and threw it in the ocean! What a pear shaped loser.
George: Well, that pear shaped loser was me! And I was in that photo, until I broke in here, stole the photograph and airbrushed myself out of there!
Kruger: Well, I'll be...you have lost a lot of hair.
George: That's what they tell me!
Kramer: Do you want more pastrami?
Elaine: Um, what was that last thing you gave me? That was pretty good.
Kramer: Yeah, it was olive loaf. You want that?
Jerry: I can't believe Kruger didn't fire you after all you did.
George: He said he didn't care. Oh, God I love that place. Hey, have you seen other dermatologist?
Jerry: Yeah, I finally got to see Dr. Kazarian. He said it was really bad.
George: What did he give you for it.
Jerry: Aloe. So where's that lock smith?
George: Have to give him time on this hour.
Elaine: Can I have a zip? (Sticks a straw out from keyhole.)
Kramer: Oh yeah, coming up...


George: So, Elaine, are you going to sleep with me or what?!
Elaine: (Aggravated) George, I just got off a twenty-three hour plane ride. I'm too tired to even vomit at the thought.
George: (Angered) Fine. I'll ask you again when you're rested.
Jerry: (Sarcastic) Oh, I'm sure she'll come around.
George: Yeah, I hope so. For your sake!
Jerry: (To George) I said I was sorry.
George: You can stuff you sorries in a sack, mister!
Jerry: (Nauseated at the saying) Would you please stop saying that?!
Kramer: (Confused) What is up with you two?
George: I don't want to talk about it.
Kramer: (To Jerry) So how was the big trip?
Jerry: I don't want to talk about it!
Kramer: (Observing Elaine's bandaged nose) Well, what happened to your nose?
Elaine: I don't want to talk ab-ow!-t it! (She winces under the pain from her nose on the word 'about')
Kramer: Well, you gotta give me something! Come on, how was the wedding? Was the bride radiant?
Elaine: She.. was.
Jerry: 'Till she found out Elaine slept with the groom.
Kramer: (Interested) Ooohh... That sounds juicy. Listen, I gotta go to the bathroom, but I want to hear all about it. (Gets up and heads for the bathroom)
George: (While skimming a Monk's menu) You know, I didn't go to the bathroom the entire time we were in India.
Jerry: I can't believe we went all the way to India for a wedding!
[Setting: India]
Notice: "INDIA - ONE DAY EARLIER"
Sue Ellen: That's it! The wedding's off.
Pinter: What? But, Sue Ellen-
Sue Ellen: (Cutting him off. To Elaine) Elaine, you were my maid of honor and you slept with MY Pinter?!
Elaine: No, no, no! It was years ago - before you met him. And, and I - I got to tell you.. it was very mechanical.
Sue Ellen: I have never been so humiliated!
Elaine: (To Jerry and George) Idiots! This is all your fault!
George: (While pointing at Jerry) Not me! Him! His fault! He betrayed me!
Jerry: (Pleading) George, I'm sorry.
George: Oh you can stuff your sorries in a sack, Mister!
Jerry: (Confused) I don't know what that means.
George: (To his girlfriend) Nina, you have to decide right now. Jerry or me?
Nina: (Casually) Alright.. Neither.
George: What?! Well, what are you doing here?
Nina: A free trip to India. And by the way, you can take off those boots. Everyone knows you're five' six.
George: Five' eight! Five' seven!
Elaine: (To Sue Ellen) See? See the way they are?! We're - we're still best friends, right?
Sue Ellen: No. (Grabbing at the stud in Elaine's nose) And take that stupid thing out of your nose!
Jerry: That's got to hurt, I don't care where you're from!
George: (Whispering to Jerry) What time is our flight back? I got to go to the bathroom.
[Setting: A building in India - the wedding ceremony is about to start]
Notice: "FIFTEEN MINUTES EARLIER"
Elaine: (Whispering to Jerry) Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Elaine: What happened last night?
Jerry: Oh, you were pretty loaded.
Elaine: (Gesturing to her nose stud) I know. I woke up with this.
Jerry: Oh. Hello, Tetanus.
Nina: George, I've used the bathroom. It's fine.
George: (Struggling) No, no, no, no. I can walk it off. It's a hundred and twenty degrees in here.. I'll sweat it out.
Elaine: (Seeing George, she walks over to greet him) Hey. (Looking at his shoes) Are those Timberlands ... painted black?
George: (Looking at her nose) Is your nose pierced?
Elaine: (Embarrassed) I should.. (Walks toward the bride and groom)
George: Yeah. (Points to two open seats in front of Jerry's. To Nina) Sit down there. (Sees Jerry in the crowd) Hello, Jerry. (Obviously angered at Jerry) I believe you know Nina.
Jerry: (As George sits down) George, we need to talk.
George: (Trying to keep his voice down) I think you've done a lot more than talk! You betrayed me!
Jerry: Alright, I admit it. I slept with Nina, but that's all.
George: (Outraged) "That's all"?! That's everything! I don't know what all the rest of it is for anyway!
Jerry: (Pleading) I'm really sorry.
George: You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister!
Jerry: (Confused) Where'd you get that one?
George: It's an expression.
Elaine: (From the front of the room, she can hear George and Jerry's heated discussion) Hey! Shhhhh! (Crosses herself, then shakes her head - apologizing)
George: (Trying to whisper to Jerry) Look, we are gonna settle this right now! I demand reparations! I should get to sleep with Elaine. That's the only way to punish you!
Jerry: That doesn't punish me. It punishes Elaine! And cruelly, I might add.
George: (Losing it) Funny guy!
Elaine: Hey! Monkeys! Knock it off. My best friend is trying to get married up here!
George: Elaine, you have to sleep with me.
Elaine: (Definite) I'm not gonna sleep with you.
George: Reparations!
Elaine: Would you grow up, George?! What is the difference? Nina slept with him (Points to Jerry), he slept with me, I slept with Pinter. Nobody cares! It's all ancient history.
George: (Loud, so everyone at the wedding can hear) You slept with the groom?!
[Setting: New York street]
Notice:
Kramer: Oh, thank you, FDR! All right, now were even.
Fdr: I-I-I stuck a rock in there too.
Fdr: All right.
[Setting: The Coffee shop]
Notice: "ONE HOUR EARLIER"
Kramer: Alright, FDR. This wish is for all the marbles. You win, you get your wish - I drop dead. I win, I don't drop dead, and I get one-hundred percent anti-drop-dead protection - Forever.
Fdr: Alright.
Kramer: Oh, man! All right, come on. There's got to be something that'll change your mind, FDR. Something.." (FDR lifts up a cooler, and puts it on the table) What, you want my kidney? (FDR is smiling wickedly as he pulls a snowball out of the cooler) Mama!..
[Setting: Jerry's room in India]
Notice: "THE NIGHT BEFORE, BACK IN INDIA"
Elaine: George knows that you slept with Nina. That's why he was acting so weird.
Jerry: How did he find out?
Elaine: He schnapped me.
Jerry: You know you're not supposed to drink while you're keeping a secret! (Elaine laughs) Is there anything else?
Elaine: I can't tell you.
Jerry: (Handing her a small bottle) Here, drink this.
Elaine: Okay. (Takes a drink and wave Jerry to lean in) I slept with the groom.
Jerry: Pinter?
Elaine: He used to be called Peter.
Jerry: (Making nothing of it) So? Who cares about that?
Elaine: Sue Ellen! If she knew, she'd call off the whole wedding.
Jerry: Oh, nobody's calling off any weddings. Alright, it's time to go. Come on.. Up.
Elaine: Do you know what 'Jerry' is in Indian?
Jerry: (Carrying her out, piggy-back style) No, what?
Elaine: (Between laughs) Jugdish.
Jerry: Yes, Jugdish.
Elaine: Hey, what if I got my, nose pierced? That would be pretty freaky.. Oooohhhhaaa! (sliding off Jerry onto the hallway floor)
Jerry: (Trying to get rid of her) Yes, I think it's a fine idea. Well, good night.
Elaine: G'night, Jugdish. (Laughs)
[Setting: Jerry's room, India]
Notice: "ONE HOUR EARLIER"
Jerry: Bless you.
Elaine: Thank you...aah, hm mm.
[Setting: Jerry's room, India]
Notice: "THREE SECONDS EARLIER"
[Setting: New York park]
Notice: "TWO HOURS EARLIER, NEW YORK"
Kramer: ah, Hello FDR. Yeah, Ill have a hot one, (pulls out some cash and slaps down a bill on the stand) everything on it.
Fdr: These thingsll kill ya... but so what...(squirts mustard on the hot dog)You're already gonna drop dead (grins)
Kramer: Well, guess what, FDR? I made a wish on a shooting star last night, and I wished, against your wish.
Fdr: That's funny. As it happens, I saw the same shooting star and double-wished you, to drop dead. (clicks out some coins from his changer and hands them to Kramer) Here's your change.
Kramer: Alright, I'm triple-wishing! Yep!
Fdr: (Throwing four coins into the fountain) Then I'm quadruple-wishing!
Kramer: Alright.. How do you like this? (Pulls out one of his eyebrows) Ya!
Fdr: I like it a lot. (Pulls out one of his eyebrows) Ow! (Blows it away)
Kramer: (Tears out another eyelash) Ah! (Blows it away)
Fdr: (Doing the same) Oh! (Blows it away)
[Setting: Indian Airport]
Notice: "THREE HOURS EARLIER - INDIA"
Elaine: Oh, God, it's so hot! (Sniffing) What is that smell?
Jerry: (Joking around) I think it's the stench of death.
Nina: George, you've been wearing those boots since I met you. You're not gonna wear them to the wedding, are you?
George: No (snorts - Laughing nervously)... I'm gonna wear black shoes.
Elaine: (Sees her enemy, Sue Ellen, at the airport) Oh boy. There's Sue Ellen. She didn't want me at this wedding, but here I am with a bunch of my idiot friends!
Jerry: (Giddy) This is gonna be great!
Sue Ellen: (Walking up to the group) Elaine? Oh! Oh, I am so happy to see you!
Elaine: (Confused by her reaction) You are?
Sue Ellen: Well, of course! No one else was even willing to come to India. I mean, not even Pinter's parents - and they're Indian.
Elaine: Come on, Sue Ellen. You don't wear a bra, you're tall... we hate each other!
Sue Ellen: Elaine, I know. I know we've had our problems, but.. I want you to be my maid of honor - and my best friend.
Elaine: (Toying with the idea) Huh.. alright. I guess.
Sue Ellen: Uh, this is my fianc, Pinter. (To Pinter) Say hello.
Pinter: (Walking up to them) Hello.
Elaine: (Recognizing him) Peter?
Sue Ellen: Uh, no. It's Pinter. Does anyone want to use the bathroom?
George: (Leading Nina out the airport) Oh, no. No. We're good. Let's get goin'. Alright. (Almost bumps into Jerry) Watch it, funny man. (Leaves)
Jerry: Elaine, have you noticed George was acting strange the whole flight?
Elaine: (Acting equally strange) No. What? Like what? What? Strange.. No. I..
Jerry: (Pulls a small bottle out of his pocket) Uh-huh. Hey, look what they had on the plane. Schnapps.
Elaine: Ooohh.
[Setting: Jerry/Kramer's apartment building]
Notice: "THE NIGHT BEFORE, NEW YORK"
Kramer: Come on.. Come on. Yes! (Sees a falling star) There's one! (Yelling out) I wish I don't drop dead!!
Man: (Off-screen) Hey, shut up up there!
Kramer: You shut up!
Man: Aw, drop dead!
[Setting: Airplane]
Notice: "FIVE HOURS EARLIER - SOMEWHERE BETWEEN NEW YORK & INDIA"
George: Hello, friend. Enjoying the flight?
Jerry: Coach to India - The only way to go.
George: (Heavily sarcastic. He's angered at Jerry) Good one. Very funny. You're very funny, Jerry. That's what I always tell people. (Yelling out) Jerry Seinfeld's a funny guy!
Jerry: You all right?
George: Of course I'm all right. I'm here with my girl, Nina. And what better way to pass the time than gabbing with my best friend - with whom there are no secrets. (Flashes two intertwined fingers) Like this. Since the fourth grade.
Jerry: (Joking around) Hey, didn't I beat you up in the fourth grade?
George: (Yelling out to the whole coach) Funny guy! (Points to Jerry) Right here!
Nina: By the way, you never said anything to George about Jerry and me, did ya?
Elaine: Oh please.. It's in the vault.
George: Ho, ha, ho! Jerry Seinfeld's a funny guy!
[Setting: The airplane]
Notice: "ONE HOUR EARLIER"
Elaine: Hey, what time is it? (she looks up and asks as Jerry walks in the aisle)
Jerry: You just asked me two minutes ago.
[Setting: The airplane]
Notice: "TWO MINUTES AGO"
Elaine: Hey, what time is it?
Jerry: Ah, Im not wearing a watch.
Elaine: Oh (quietly). Is this tooth chipped? (pointing to a tooth)
Jerry: Yeah. Howd ya do that?
Elaine: I have no idea.
[Setting: The Coffee shop]
Notice: "ONE DAY EARLIER"
Elaine: Watch this. (Puts the bottle of Schnapps in her mouth, flips her head up, drinking it, then puts it back down with her teeth. She is effected by that last drink) Oh.. God..
George: So, Jerry and Nina, huh?
Elaine: Oh, Mm mm.. (Scoots up close to George) I'm not gonna tell you, any - more - things. (points at George)
George: You already told me everything.
Elaine: Okey-dokey.
[Setting: Newman's apartment]
Notice: "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER"
Kramer: I mean, we had a deal, Newman. And you were supposed to give my your birthday wish. And now you've wasted it!
Newman: (With a gorgeous woman sitting on his lap) Did I?
Woman: Newman, I'm bored.
Newman: Aww..
Kramer: Does your girlfriend have to be here?
Newman: (Suggesting Jerry) Does yours?
Jerry: (Giving Newman a sour look) I'm just hanging out in this hell-hole because of George.
Kramer: Alright, come on, Newman. Now you gotta help me! What am I gonna do about FDR?
Woman: Why don't you just make another wish?
Kramer: And how am I gonna do that, Toots?
Woman: What about a shooting star?
Kramer: (Interested) That's perfect.
Newman: (Kissing the woman) Beauty .. and brains. (they nuzzle noses)
Jerry: (Disgusted. To the woman) Oh, come on. You know he's a postman, don't ya?
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Notice: "FIFTEEN MINUTES EARLIER"
Elaine: Heres your plane ticket.
Jerry: What are you talking about.
Elaine: Sue Ellen sends me an invitation, one week before her wedding in India. Tst, Ill show her...
Jerry: By flying half way around the world?
Elaine: Spite Never sleeps (doing a little dance as she says it
Jerry: Especially when you got a layover in Sarajevo. (Bosnia Herzegovina)
George: Hey.
Elaine: (Handing George a ticket) Here. You're going to India with us tomorrow.
George: For how long?
Elaine: Three days.
George: Great. Jerry, I gotta tell you, I had the BEST TIME with that Nina last night. I - I think I'm in love with her already. You are a great friend. (Hugs Jerry) A great, great friend.
Jerry: (Trying to change the subject away from Nina) Hey - Hey Kramer, what are you doing? You want to borrow something? You want to eat something? Come on in!
Kramer: (Shrugging Jerry off) Nah.
Elaine: You want to go to India?
Kramer: I can't. (Complaining) I'm gonna drop dead.
George: Great! (snaps fingers and grabs the extra plane ticket) Nina could go, huh? Jerry, this is great. You and Elaine. Me and Nina.
Jerry: H-Hey, Kramer, wait up. I'll go with you.
Kramer: I'm goin' to Newman's!
Jerry: Great, I love Newman! (Eagerly following Kramer)
George: (Asking Elaine) Jerry seem a little weird when I mentioned Nina?
Elaine: Nina? Nina? No. Psshhh.. Not weird. No. Nina.
George: Why do you keep saying Nina?
Elaine: I don't know. Nina. Nina! (Feeling she's said to much, she goes to leave) I'm gonna go grab a bite.
George: Uhh.. I'll- I'll meet you down there.
[Setting: NYC Street]
Notice: "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER"
Kramer: (Knocking on a port-a-potty door) Come on, Lomez! We're gonna be late for the movie.
Newman: (To his new girlfriend) You see, my dear, all certified mail is registered, but registered mail is not necessarily certified.
Woman: I could listen to you talk about mail all day.
Kramer: Anything you wish. I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes They're meaningless! (Laughs evilly, driving away)
Kramer: Wish?! Newman!
Kramer: Lomez, Im Leavin
[Setting: Newman's apartment]
Notice: "ONE DAY EARLIER"
All: (Singing to Newman) ..And you smell like one, too. (laughing and clapping)
Postman: Make a wish, Newman! We've gotta get back to work in three hours!
Kramer: Newman, wait!
Newman: (Stands up and Sputtering loudly) Kramer! I'm with people.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah. And thanks for inviting me!
Newman: I did invite you. Your invitation must've gotten ... lost in the mail.
Kramer: Well, Newman, I need your wish to protect me from FDR.
Newman: Can't do it. I'm on an unbelievable birthday-wish hot streak! My last five birthday wishes came true.
Kramer: Come on! Look, I'll give you my next birthday wish, huh?
Newman: (Negotiating) Your next, fifty wishes.
Kramer: Forty-eight.
Newman: Fourty-nine.
Kramer: Done!
Newman And Kramer: (Together) Sucker..
Newman: Alright, alright, back, savages. Back! I haven't made my wish yet..
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Notice: "ONE DAY EARLIER"
Elaine: Well, Ahh, this Mischke mish-mash is just gettin' worse.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
Elaine: I talked with the groom's parents..
Jerry: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm..
Elaine: ... And it's so obvious that they don't want..
Jerry: Uh-huh..
Elaine: ... me to go.
Jerry: Sure.
Elaine: So, the only reason ...
Jerry: Uh-huh.
Elaine: ... she sent me an invitation was that so I'd send her a gift.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
Nina: (From Jerry's room) Jerry?
Jerry: (To Elaine) Uh, well, you know, a coffee grinder is nice. Or a coffee maker. Everyone likes coffee. Anything to do with coffee. Maybe you should go get some coffee.
Nina: Oh. Hi.
Elaine: Hi.
Nina: (Getting ready to leave) Oh, I should... um...
Jerry: Sure.
Nina: Yeah.
Elaine: Bye-bye.
Nina: Bye. (Leaves)
Elaine: (Gesturing back to the bedroom) Who else ya got back there?
Jerry: Look, there was an awkward moment in the conversation. It never happened before.
Elaine: You slept with Nina? What are you gonna tell George?
Jerry: Nothing. And neither will you. George can never know about this.. It'll crush him.
Elaine: Uh. Alright, alright. I'll put it in the vault.
Jerry: No good. Too many people know the combination.
Elaine: (Confused) What combination?
Elaine: Don't be ridiculous.
Jerry: Oh my god. This drawer is filled with Fruit Loops!
Elaine: So what?
Jerry: And milk.
Notice: "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER"
Kramer: Oh, geez..
Jerry: (From outside the apartment) Hello?
[Setting: Pinter's parent's house - Elaine visiting]
Notice: "ONE HOUR EARLIER"
Elaine: Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Ranawat?
Zubin: Please, call us Usha and Zubin.
Elaine: Oh. Well, Usha.
Zubin: I'm Zubin.
Elaine: (Shrugging it off) Anyway, your son is marrying my friend, Sue Ellen Mischke.
Usha: You're not going to the wedding, are you?
Elaine: Well ...
Usha: Don't go. India is a dreadful, dreadful place.
Zubin: You know, it's the only country that still has the plague? (laughing as he says the line) I mean, the plague! Please!
Usha: Here's the registry. Send her a gift, and be glad you did not have to go.
Elaine: (Soaking it in) Right. Don't go. Send a gift. I think I understand.
Zubin: If I had to go to India, I wouldn't go to the bathroom the entire trip.
Elaine: (Leaving) That's fantastic.
Zubin: And I'm not so crazy about Manhattan, either.
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Notice: "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER"
Nina: Oh, you were going to tell me all about George.
Jerry: Ah, just remember when you see him tomorrow night to tell him that the waiter liked him.
Nina: Really?
Jerry: Believe me. You know, I forgot how much fun it is hanging out with you.
Nina: I know. You know, we never had a bad conversation.
Jerry: I know. No awkward pauses. Probably the reason we never fooled around..
Nina: Heh.. yeah.
Jerry: Probably the reason..
[Setting: FDR's apartment building]
Notice: "ONE DAY EARLIER"
Fdr: Are - are you dense? I said I wanted you to drop dead. Now.. drop dead! (Slams the door in Kramer's face *Note FDRs Apt. #548*)
Kramer: (Walking away) I knew it.. Stupid Jerry..
Notice: "TEN MINUTES EARLIER"
Jerry: Kramer, I know what I'm talking about. There's no way FDR wants you to drop dead.
Kramer: But you haven't seen..
Jerry: Just go back and ask him again. (Slams the door on Kramer)
Kramer: Yeah.. (Heads for FDR's)
Notice: "TEN MINUTES EARLIER"
Fdr: That's right. My birthday wish was that you drop dead.
Kramer: Well, why?
Fdr: (Sinister) I have my reasons.
Kramer: Woah, wait, wait, wait. If you make a birthday wish out loud, it doesn't come true.
Fdr: That's just a silly superstition. (Slams his door on Kramer)
Notice: "TEN MINUTES EARLIER"
Kramer: Hey, FDR wants me to drop dead.
George: FDR?
Kramer: (To George) Yeah, Franklin Delano Romanowski. (Resumes telling the story) I go to his birthday part, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look..
George: (Guessing the look) Stink eye?
Jerry: (Also guessing) Crook eye?
Kramer: EVIL, eye.
Jerry: Well, everybody's a little cranky on their birthday.
George: Oh, it's a bad day. Uh, you got everyone in your house, you're thinkin', "These are my friends?!"
Jerry: Everyday is my birthday. (Sarcastically joking off what George said)
Kramer: Yeah, well, I can't have this hanging over my head. It's bad mojo.
Elaine: Hi.
Elaine: You're not gonna believe what I got in the mail. Invitation to Sue Ellen Mischke's wedding.
Jerry: (Joking about the bra-less wonder) Well, at least the wedding gown will give her some support.
Elaine: Not the point. The wedding is in one week. I got this (Holds up invitation) today.
Jerry: So you think it's a non-vite?
Elaine: It's an un-vitation! (Notices George is a few inches higher) Hey, are you gettin' taller?
George: Timberlands. (Showing Elaine his boots)
Elaine: Ah. (Looking at the invitation) Hey, look at this. 'Pinter Ranawat'.. I wonder if he's related to that guy I dated, Peter Ranawat..
Jerry: Ah, it's probably like Smith over there.
George: Jerry, would you make the call already?
Elaine: What call?
Jerry: He wants me to set him up with this girl, Nina Stengal.
Elaine: (Remembers Jerry's talking about her) Oh, the great conversation girl. (Somewhat bitter toward Jerry) The one you think can replace me?
Jerry: I was kidding when I said that!
George: (To Elaine) Told me the same thing.
Jerry: (On the phone) Nina, Hi. It's Jerry.
George: You-you sure you never slept with her? (Jerry shakes his head 'no') Perfect.
Jerry: (To Nina) Hey, how 'bout my friend, George? Quite a guy, huh?
George: (Rubbing his stomach) Ooh.. Something's not sitting right..
[Setting: The Coffee shop]
Notice: "ONE HOUR EARLIER"
George: I'll have the Clams Casino.
Jerry: Get outta here.
George: (Showing Jerry the menu) "Chef recommends"
Jerry: Hmm..
George: (Motioning toward waitress) I think she likes me.
Jerry: Sure.
George: So, how come nothing ever happened between you and Nina? (Getting paranoid) Is there a problem with her? Is she a man?
Jerry: Are you?
George: Well, what's the reason?
Jerry: We were too compatible Our conversations were so engrossing.
George: How engrossing?
Jerry: If we ever had a problem with Elaine, we could bring in Nina and not lose a step.
George: Wow! Heh. (Half kidding) You don't, huh, have a replacement lined up for me, do ya? heh he he he he he...
Jerry: Anyway, like I was saying, I couldn't make the transition from conversation to sex. There were no awkward pauses... I need an awkward pause.
George: I'm all for awkward pauses. Fix me up with her.. Wait a minute, Nina just saw me in my Timberlands! Now I have to wear them every time I see her.
Jerry: Why?
George: In any other shoe, I lose two inches. I - I can't have a drop down. We were eye to eye, I can't go eye to chin!
Jerry: So, you're gonna wear 'em no matter what the situation?
George: In every situation. No matter how silly I look. (Tastes his Clams Casino) Hm.. tastes a little funky.
Jerry: Oh, I'm sure it's fine.
[Setting: FDR's apartment]
Notice: "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER"
All: ..to you!
Man: Come on, make a wish! Make a wish!
Kramer: Yeah!
All: Heyyy, yeahhhh (Clapping).
[Setting: NYC Street]
Notice: "TEN MINUTES EARLIER"
George: Ah, this is the kind of day that almost makes you feel good to be alive.
Jerry: Almost. (Notices his shoes) Hey, new Timberlands?
George: Yeah, and a whole new me. I'm up two inches in these babies!
Jerry: Really?
George: Five' eight. Five' seven.
Nina: Jerry?
Jerry: Nina?
Nina: Hi.
Jerry: It's been years!
Nina: Yeah!
Jerry: (Introducing the two) George, this is Nina.
George: Nice to meet you.
Nina: Nice to meet you, too.
[Setting: Elaine's apartment building]
Notice: "THREE HOURS EARLIER"
Elaine: (Reading an invitation) India? Tst, Yeah, right. (Sarcastic) I'm goin' to India..
[Setting: The Coffee shop]
Notice: "TWO YEARS EARLIER"
Nina: And they call it the World Wide Web. You can e-mail anyone!
Jerry: (Mesmerized) What are you, a scientist?!
Nina: Ah, I gotta go. (Gets up to leave)
Jerry: Ah.
Nina: It's great talkin'
Jerry: Great talkin' to you. (Nina leaves. To himself) What the hell is e-mail?
George: How as the date?
Jerry: Pretty good. I think she might be the one.
Susan: No.
George: Whooo.. (To a waitress taking orders) Ooh.. French fries.
Susan: Ah, George.
George: (clearing his throat, he changes his order for Susan) Baked, uh, potato.
Susan: Uh-huh.
George: Sorry.
Susan: Yeah, you stuff your sorries in a sack, mister.
Kramer: Hey, hey. Yeah, check it out. It's packin' tight! (Puts the snowball on the table, then drips water from Jerry's cup onto it)
Jerry: What are you bringing snowballs in here for?
Kramer: Oh, I need some water. Ice it up nice and hard ... and when you throw it - Pop! Oh look, (FDR is at the cash register, pays and leaves Monks) there's my friend, FDR. I'm gonna nail him in the back of the head. It's gonna be great! (Rushes out of Monks to peg his friend with the snowball)
Jerry: Hi, Elaine.
George: Hey!
Elaine: (Turning around and leaving with Pinter) Hey, let's go someplace else, Okay, Peter?
[Setting: Jerry's new apartment]
Notice: "ELEVEN YEARS EARLIER"
Kramer: Oh, hey, how you doing?
Jerry: Oh, hi. I-I'm Jerry Seinfeld. I'm movin' in. I saw your name on the buzzer - You must be Kessler.
Kramer: Uh, no. Actually, it's Kramer.
Jerry: Oh.
Kramer: Uh, you need any help, or..?
Jerry: No, thanks. But I ordered a pizza. You want some of it?
Kramer: Ah, no, no, no. I-I couldn't impose.
Jerry: Why not? We're neighbors. What's mine is yours. (And with that, Jerry made the most fatal mistake of his life)
Kramer: (quietly) Ohh (Eyeing Jerry's empty apartment) Really?
The Definition Of Sari Or Saree Is:
Sari / Saree: A long piece of cotton or silk cloth, constituting the principal garment of Hindu women, worn round the waist, one end falling to the feet, and the other crossed over the bosom and shoulder, and sometimes over the head.


Jerry: (tapping the spatula while waiting for waffles to be done) Any second now. Light is on! Melissa, waffles are ready.
Melissa: (appearing in the kitchen stark naked) Oh, fantastic! I'm starving.
Jerry: (looking at her) How about that.
Melissa: (eating the waffles) Mmm-hmm.
George: She ate breakfast naked?
Jerry: She didn't even want a napkin.
George: I've had bedroom naked, I've had walk-to-the-bathroom naked... I have never had living-room naked.
Jerry: Oh, it's a scene.
George: It's like you're livin' in the Playboy Mansion! Did she, uh, did she frolic?
Jerry: I don't really have enough room.
George: (seeing Elaine and Puddy come into Monk's) Yeah. Hey, Lainie, Puddy.
Elaine: Hey!
Puddy: Hi.
Jerry: Hey.
Puddy: (heading towards the bathroom) I got to make a pit stop.
Elaine: (sitting down in the booth) 'Kay.
Jerry: Back together?
Elaine: His apartment was being fumigated, so we thought we'd give it another shot.
Jerry: Ah...
Elaine: So guess who called me last night? Jason Hanke.
George: 'Stanky Hanke'? What did he want?
Elaine: He called to apologize for standing me up five years ago.
Jerry: Why now?
Elaine: A.A. It's one of the Twelve Steps. Step number Nine is you have to apologize to anyone you've ever wronged.
George: Ho ho ho ho! I can't wait for Hanke to come crawling back to me.
Jerry: Still with the neck hole?
George: Still upset. Very upset.
Elaine: What neck hole?
George: Remember that New Year's party he threw a few years ago? He had that very drafty apartment, you know, I think on Ninth Avenue.
Elaine, Becoming Board: Faster.
George: I asked if I could borrow a sweater.
Jerry: A cashmere sweater.
George: I said preferably cashmere, for warmth. So in front of the whole party, he says, 'No. I don't want you stretching out the neck hole.'
Elaine: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
George: Oh, yeah, sure, laugh it up. Everybody else did!
Elaine: Well, it's funny. I mean, you have a big head. Or is it 'cause of your neck?
Jerry: No, I think the head does most of the stretching.
George: Regardless. I had to walk around for the rest of the party in some cheap Metlife windbreaker. Now, it is payback time.
Elaine: I really think it's the size of your neck.
George: It's my head!
Elaine: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Elaine: Hey.
Peggy: Hey.
Elaine: Isn't this great? With those nerds in accounting moved, you and I are the only ones who use this bathroom.
Peggy: (somewhat sarcastically) Yeah. Great.
Kramer: You went to the coffee shop without me? I told ya, I just wanted to hop in the shower.
Jerry: That was an hour ago. What were you doing in there?
Kramer: Showering. How long does it take you?
Jerry: Ten minutes.
Kramer: (seeing Elaine come into Jerry's apartment) Ten minutes? That's kooky talk. Hey Elaine, how long do you spend in the shower?
Elaine: Ten minutes.
Kramer: Let me smell you.
Elaine: All right. Whiff away.
Kramer: (after delicately sniffing Elaine) Uh... that's not bad at all.
Elaine: (holding Kramer off from getting another whiff) Hup! That's it.
Kramer: (backing off) OK.
Elaine: So get this. I'm in the bathroom at work today, and I see Peggy using a seat protector.
Jerry: So?
Elaine: So... we're the only women on the floor. I mean, we're like roommates. Would-would you use a seat protector if you had a roommate?
Jerry: (seeing Kramer struggle to open a soda, spilling it all over) I think the damage is probably already done. (interrupting Kramer's inadequate attempt to clean up the soda) All right! I'll get that. Well, maybe she just practices good hygiene.
Elaine: (eyeing Jerry meticulously cleaning up the soda) Yeah, you're probably right. She's probably one of those neurotic clean freaks.
Jerry: Mmm.
Kramer: Well, here's my shower routine. Maybe I can make some changes. Get wash cloth mittens and maybe some liquid soap, and just... -pop- focus!
Jerry: (playing Scrabble with his naked girlfriend) Zephyr? That is not a word.
Melissa: Do you challenge?
Jerry: No, I do not challenge.
Melissa: 66 points. Ha ha.
Jerry: I'd accuse you of cheating, but I don't know where you'd hide the tiles.
Melissa: You want some more ice tea?
Jerry: Sure.
Melissa: (coughing loudly, while Jerry's expression turns to disgust) Wrong pipe.
George: So she coughed.
Jerry: Coughing... naked... It's a turn-off, man.
George: Everything goes with naked.
Jerry: When you cough, there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion.
George: Oh, you spoiled, spoiled man. Do you now how much mental energy I expend just trying to picture women naked?
Jerry: But the thing you don't realize is that there's good naked and bad naked. Naked hair brushing, good; naked crouching, bad. Hey, there's Hanke.
George: All right. It's grovel time.
Hanke: Hey, George. Jerry. Listen, I just got sober, so I've been going through the Twelve Steps.
George: What are you up to now, uh, Step Nine?
Hanke: Yeah. Making amends.
George: Important step. Maybe the most important.
Hanke: Anyway, uh, Jerry, you know, this may sound dumb, but, you know, when we first met I thought your name was Gary. And, I think I may even have called you Gary a couple of times, and... I don't know if you noticed, but I always felt bad about it, so, I'm sorry.
Jerry: Thank you. I did notice, and I appreciate you rectifying it.
Hanke: (eyeing George, who's looking expectedly up at him) Great. Great. Well, I'll see you guys later.
Kramer: (enters) Well, I just got out of a 27-minute shower. I made some good cuts, and I didn't lose anything I needed. Yeah, I think what I kept is even stronger now.
Jerry: (pointing to Kramer's hair) You got some suds over here.
Kramer: (noticing suds all over his clothes and body) Wha...? Oh, man! Geez! Look at that! I'm all lathery. Jerry, you got to show me what I'm doing wrong.
Jerry: Oh, come on!
Kramer: No, I mean it, man. I'm lost!
Jerry: You promise you'll never come in here again?
Kramer: (chuckling) Oh, Jerry, you know I can't do that.
Jerry: (standing in the bathtub) Now my sense of it is that you're probably wasting time working piecemeal, first cleaning one area, then another.
Kramer: Well, that's how cats do it.
Jerry: But, when you have a faucet instead of a tongue, you want to use gravity.
Kramer: OK. Let's turn the water on now.
Jerry: No, I told you, it's just a dry run.
George: (entering Jerry's bathroom) Well, Hanke's moved on to Step Ten. He was spotted taking personal inventory.
Jerry: That's Step Ten?
George: All he has to do now is count his blessings, say a prayer, and he's done. Do you believe this?
Kramer: Come on, Jerry. How about a-a baggy swimsuit?
Jerry: You're not gettin' any skin, Kramer.
Kramer: Well, this has all been one big tease!
Elaine: (moving Peggy's water to make room for paper on the desk) These proofs look pretty good. Oh. Can I move this? Yup. I think this will work.
Peggy: (having seen Elaine touch her nearly full water bottle) I'm... gonna get another bottle of water.
Walter: (taking a final swig from his own water bottle) Here, take mine. There's a little left.
Peggy: (gulping down Walter's water) Oh, thanks, Walter. Ahh!
Hanke: (talking with two men in Monk's) Guys, there's no doubt that the pay is good. But I don't just know if I see myself working with ice cream.
Man #1: You get pretty buff forearms.
Hanke: I don't know if I'm into that.
George: (entering Monk's) Oh, hello, Hanke, others.
Hanke: George.
George: You know, Jason, I, uh, I couldn't help notice, I... I didn't get my apology.
Hanke: Apology? For what?
George: A drafty apartment? A... sweaterless friend? A ball-game giveaway Metlife windbreaker?
Hanke: George, come on, not that neck hole thing.
George: Yeah, the neck hole thing, and I would appreciate it if you would say you're sorry.
Hanke: No way, you would've completely stretched it out.
George: You're an alcoholic! You have to apologize. Step Nine! Step Nine.
Hanke: All right, George, all right. I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry. I'm so sorry that I didn't want your rather bulbous head struggling to find its way through the normal-size neck hole of my finely knit sweater.
Kramer: (taking notes on showering men at the YMCA) Now see, that's smart. Constant motion. Wow.
Man In Shower: (seeing Kramer staring at the showering man) Hey!
Kramer: Oh, yeah, yeah, I-I'm watching you, too. But this guy's really showing me something!
Kramer: (walking into Jerry's apartment with a fresh black eye) You got a steak?
Jerry: What happened to you?
Kramer: Ah, people in this city are crazy.
Jerry: (giving him a steak from the fridge) Here ya go.
Kramer: (applying the steak to his eye) Thanks, buddy. Oh... yes! Hey, you got any A1, 'cause I'm cooking a steak.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Yeah, a different one.
Jerry: (closing the door on him) Oh!
Kramer: Jerry!
Melissa: (wheeling out Jerry's bicycle) OK, Jerry. I fixed that bike.
Jerry: Oh. That wasn't really necessary. I don't ride it. It's just for show.
Melissa: (crouching down next to the bike) I should really clean those bearings. Hold this. Look at all that gunk.
Jerry: Please don't crouch.
Melissa: Ouch! Caught my skin.
Jerry: Oh, that's bad. Especially that area.
Melissa: You got anything to snack on?
Jerry: Uhh...
Melissa: (grabbing the pickle jar and straining to open it) Oh, pickles! Unnhhhh! It's a tough one.
Jerry: Look, please stop! Let me help you with that!
Melissa: (finally opening the jar) Unnnnh! Oooh. That's gonna leave a welt. Look at that.
Jerry: (leaving the room) I can't. I can't look anymore. I-I-I've seen too much.
Elaine: Peggy, we've got to talk. What is it about me that you find so offensive?
Peggy: You seem to be with a lot of men.
Elaine: What!? I happen to have a very steady boyfriend. You know, I mean, we broke up a few times and there has been an occasional guy here or... or there, but, wh-why is this your business?
Peggy: It's not. Good day.
Elaine: (leaving the room after rubbing Peggy's keyboard on her butt, sticking the stapler in her armpit, and coughing on her doorknob) Oh. All right. You think I've got germs? I'll give you some germs. How about some for your keyboard, huh? Huh? Oooh, how about for your stapler. Hmmm? That's good, isn't it? You have a happy and a healthy.
Jerry: Well, technically he did apologize.
George: Jerry, I felt like a straight man in some horrible sketch. He was riffing! Riffing! On my pain!
Jerry: So now you want an apology for the apology, plus the original apology?
George: That's right. I'm two in the hole!
Jerry: Well, I hit the wall yesterday with Lady Godiva. She did a full body flex on a pickle jar.
George: Did you explain to her about the good naked and the bad naked?
Jerry: Where am I gonna get a fat guy and a cannonball?
George: Well... what if you showed up bad naked, huh? You still got that belt sander?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: (going into the bathroom) Well, you on all fours, that thing vibratin', kickin' up sawdust, ho ho! She'll get the picture!
Jerry: (answering the ringing phone) Hello?
Kramer: Hey, Jerry, guess where I'm calling from!
Jerry: World War I plane?
Kramer: No, I'm in my shower. Well, you know, I'm trying to get out of the shower sooner, and then I ask myself, 'Why?' I mean this is where I want to be. So I got a waterproof phone, I shaved, I brushed my teeth, and now I ordered a pair of chinos from J. Crew.
Jerry: When are ya gettin' out?
Kramer: I'm not! I'll see ya later, buddy.
Peterman: Bad news, people. Peggy is home sick.
Elaine: Oh, please.
Peterman: She's stuffed up, achy, and suffering from intense malaise.
Elaine: Oh, come on, we all have intense malaise. Right?
Peterman: I just spoke with her, Elaine. She's in bed.
Elaine: Yeah, let me tell you something this is all in her mind, OK? She is insane. She thinks I made her sick because I coughed on her doorknob, rubbed her stapler in my armpit, and put her keyboard on my butt. Yeah, she's a wacko.
George: So you're Jason Hanke's supervisor?
Sponsor: Sponsor.
George: Whatever. Listen, I'm very concerned about this guy.
Sponsor: He's doing very well. He's already on to Step Ten.
George: Yeah, well when you don't actually do the steps, you can go through them pretty quick. You can get through six a day.
Sponsor: Is there some unresolved issue between you and Jason?
George: I don't know. A little thing called Step Nine? Instead of an apology, he was beboppin' and scattin' all over me.
Sponsor: I'm not sure what you want me to do.
George: Well, aren't you the boss of him? You shouldn't let him move up! When I was in the Cub Scouts, I got stuck on Weebolos for three years 'cause I kept losing the Pinewood Derby.
Sponsor: You're quite upset, George.
George: Well, I think you should drop him down to Step Two.
Sponsor: Admit there's a higher power?
George: Yeah, let him chew on that for a while.
Sponer: You know George, I think I can help you. We're having a meeting tomorrow. Why don't you just come by?
George: All right. That's more like it. Thank you very much. (giving the sponsor the 'be strong' hand clench) By the way, my uncle was an alcoholic, so...
Kramer: (on the phone in the shower) Lomez, you're not listenin'. Jerry likes the naked, just some of the things she does when she's naked. Calm down, I'm on your side. Geez. Hey, hold on a second. I got a clog, I'll call ya back.
Melissa: (naked on the couch) What are you doing?
Jerry: (naked, carrying a belt sander) I found a rough spot on the kitchen floor, I thought I'd polish it up with this belt sander I have here.
Melissa: No, not that. Why are you naked?
Jerry: I thought naked is good.
Melissa: (eyeing him) This isn't good naked.
Sponser: George, here, have a seat.
George: (sitting down) Where's Hanke?
Sponser: (motioning to the leader) Shhhhh.
Leader: OK, let's get started. Welcome to Rage-aholics Anonymous.
George: What? Rate-aholics?
Sponser: George, this can help you.
George: Hey, I am not here for rage. I'm here for revenge.
Leader: Excuse me. We have a 'no yelling' policy at these meetings.
George: Excuse me. Am I talking to you, Pinhead? Am I?!
Leader: Please don't call me 'Pinhead'.
George: I'm losin' it!
Jerry: He took you to Rage-aholics? Why?
George: Probably because this whole Universe is against me!
Jerry: You've got a little rage.
George: I know. And now they want me to bottle it up. It makes me so mad!
Jerry: By the way, my bad naked demo didn't quite work.
George: This bread has nuts in it!
Jerry: (seeing Elaine enter Monk's) Oh, great. Elaine. What is wrong with my body?
Elaine: Chicken wing shoulder blades.
Jerry: That's it?
Elaine: No, but that's one problem. Why?
Jerry: Well, I was walking around naked in front of Melissa the other day-
Elaine: Whoa! Walking around naked? Ahh... that is not a good look for a man.
George: Why not? It's a good look for a woman.
Elaine: Well, the female body is a... work of art. The male body is utilitarian, it's for gettin' around, like a jeep.
Jerry: So you don't think it's attractive?
Elaine: It's hideous. The hair, the... the lumpiness. It's simian.
George: Well, some women like it.
Elaine: Hmm. Sickies.
Kramer: (in the shower, reading an instruction manual) Installing your Clarkman garbage disposal. Dismantle latch hasp beneath main drainage lot. Oh, come on, Clarkman.
Puddy: (staring into space, picks up the phone) Puddy.
Kramer: Is, uh, David Puddy there?
Puddy: This is Puddy.
Kramer: Well, this is Kramer.
Puddy: I know.
Kramer: Um, listen, you're a mechanic. Could you help me install a garbage disposal?
Puddy: Well, it's a big job. You've got to dismantle the latch hasp from the auxiliary drainage line.
Kramer: No. It says 'main line'.
Puddy: It's a misprint. What do you got, a Clarkman?
Kramer: Yeah.
Puddy: (seeing Elaine come in) Hey, man, I'll call you back. I'll talk you through it.
Kramer: Oh, OK. Well, thanks, buddy.
Elaine: Hey, Puddy.
Puddy: Hey, Babe, your boss called. You owe five bucks for a balloon bouquet. Yeah, he says you can just give it to him tomorrow when you see him.
Elaine: Balloon bouquet? For who?
Puddy: Peggy took a turn for the worst.
Elaine: Peggy. Oh, great. I suppose she's still blaming me?
Puddy: That's what he said.
Elaine: I don't believe this woman.
Puddy: Talk to me, Babe.
Elaine: She's this crazy woman who is convinced that my germs make her sick.
Puddy: Oh, germ-o-phobe. I know what that's about.
Elaine: Huh?
Puddy: (showing her his necklace) I'm a recovering germ-o-phobe. Ten years.
Elaine: What is this symbol?
Puddy: It's a germ.
Peggy: Elaine, it was very nice of you to bring the man you're currently sleeping with over to talk to me, but I assure you, I don't have any problem with germs.
Puddy: Don't you? Elaine.
Peggy: (flinching away) Please!
Puddy: I know it looks bleak. I've been there. Ten years ago waking up in bed next to a woman like this would've sent me running for the Phisohex.
Peggy: Really?
Puddy: I still have trouble looking at those disgusting old bedroom slippers she slogs around in.
Elaine: Hey, I've had those since college. They're bunnies.
Puddy: They're bacteria traps.
Peggy: So you... just learned to live with it?
Puddy: For the most part.
Elaine: OK, we're broken up for the rest of the day.
Jerry: So I'm glad we had a talk and worked this out. Don't you feel this is better?
Melissa: This is nice.
Jerry: Yes, clothes. This is normal.
Melissa: Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? I was thinking that we could go down...
Melissa: Jerry? Jerry, are you listening to me?
Jerry: Oh... yeah. What? I'm sorry.
Melissa: I wanted to know what you're doing tomorrow.
Jerry: Oh, maybe a haircut, and, I don't know, maybe a...
Kramer: (in the shower, on the phone with Jerry) So you broke up?
Jerry: We couldn't carry on a conversation. I kept trying to picture her naked, she kept trying to not picture me naked.
Kramer: Hang on.
Jerry: So what are you up to?
Kramer: Oh, just cooking up a little thank you for Puddy. Hey, how do you make those radish roses?
Jerry: Insert a knife into the center and twist. Then, to make it bloom, soak it in water for thirty to forty minutes.
Kramer: No problem there.
Hanke: George. Thanks for coming down to talk to me. I wanted to see you right away, but my hours here aren't very flexible. I just started yesterday.
George: Well, I'm here. What is it?
Hanke: Well, I talked to my sponsor, and, uh, I've thought it over, and, you know, my apology at the coffee shop was sarcastic, and rude, and you deserve much better.
George: (ready to leave) Well, thank you.
Hanke: You're welcome.
Kid: (entering the store) Can I get a Triple Minute Man Mint?
Hanke: Waffle or sugar cone?
George: Uh, excuse me, uh, um, Jason. I don't want to get into a big thing here, but... I'm not sure if, technically, what you just said was actually an apology.
Hanke: What?
Kid: Can you get on that cone?
Hanke: Would you hang on just a second, son? George, what are you talking about?
George: Well, it's just, all you said was 'your welcome', which is nice. It's very nice. But... I feel I gotta get the apology.
Kid: Is there anybody else here but you?
Hanke: I'm alone, and it's my second day. You know, I don't even think we have that flavor so... George, really, enough, ok? You know, I-I admitted I was wrong, so what more do you want from me?
George: I would like an apology.
Hanke: All right, look, you know-
Kid #2: (entering the store) Did you try it?
Kid: No, this guy doesn't know what he's doing.
Hanke: Oh, yes I do. Yes, I do. OK? I'm interacting with someone here, if you can understand that. Now, I'm sorry.
George: Baah! There it is! You just said it! That's what I want! Now say it again, and tell it to me.
Hanke: I'm not saying anything to you. I'm not sorry. I was never sorry. It was cashmere. I hate Step Nine! Where's that Rum Raisin? Where is it? Can't find anything. I need a drink. Ah, daquiri ice. Here we go. What are you looking at? Get out! Come on, can't you see we're closed?! Get out!
Elaine: (eating dinner with Kramer, Elaine, and Puddy) Mmm. This food is fantastic, PEGGY And what a pretty radish rose, huh?
Kramer: Well, thank you.
Elaine: Here's to Peggy, on her first week of being germ-free, free.
Kramer: Yeah. And here's to David Puddy for helping me install a much needed and much appreciated garbage disposal in my bathtub.
Peggy: You have a garbage disposal in your bathtub?
Kramer: Oh, yeah, and I use it all the time. Yeah, I made this whole meal in there.
Elaine: This food was in the shower with you?
Kramer: Mm-hmm. I prepared it as I bathed.
Puddy: Oh, germs. Germs. Germs!
George: Excuse me. Is this, uh, Rage-aholics?
Puddy: (waiting with Elaine and Peggy) No, germ-o-phobes.
George: Thanks. What are you guys doin' here?
Elaine: Kramer.
George: Right.
Hanke: (speaking in front of other Rage-aholics) Hi, I'm, uh, Jason. I'm a rage-aholic.
Audience: Hi, Jason.
Hanke: Uh, this is my first meeting.
George: Step-skipper. That man is a step-skipper! He skips Step Nine!
Hanke: Please. Step Nine.
George: That's right! He never apologized to me for saying that I would stretch out the neck hole of his sweater.
George: It wasn't funny.
Hanke: It was a very nice sweater. Take a look at his neck, not to mention the melon sitting on top of it. I don't know if I'd trust him with a v-neck.
George: He's beboppin' and scattin', and I'm losin' it!