Elaine: Hmm!
George: Fantastic!
Jerry: I told ya. How good is this?
George: Good.
Jerry: How good?
George: Very good.
Jerry: I know it.
Elaine: They put real blue berries in this. And there's real blue berries. What kind did you get?
Jerry: Coffee. And they grind up the coffee beans, and put it in.
Elaine: Let me test-taste that. (tastes Jerry's yogurt)
Jerry: Huh? Huh?
Elaine: Hmm! Rico!
Jerry: Suave! And it's non-fat!
George: Ya-see, how could this not have any fat? It's too good.
Elaine: (offering her yogurt to George) You want to taste mine?
George: (offers his) Oh, you want to taste mine.
Elaine: No, I don't.
George: Lo..k, if you want to taste mine, you don't have to offer me some of yours.
Elaine: All right, let's just forget it.
Jerry: You know, Kramer's gonna clean up on this place.
George: What do you mean?
Jerry: He invested in it.
George: No kidding?
Jerry: Yeah. We've been coming here everyday. This is so fuck(bleeped)ing good.
Maryedith: Jerry!
Jerry: Oh, I'm sorry.
Elaine: All right, we should get going. But, I'm going to get a little bit more, okay?
George: Oh, god. Look who's here.
Jerry: Who is it?
George: This guy from my old neighborhood. Lloyd Braun. He's a big advisor to Mayor Dinkins. He thinks he's so cool.
Jerry: Oh, oh.?
Lloyd: Hey, George!
George: Hey-hay! Lloyd! Hey! My friend Jerry eh.
Lloyd: Hi.
Jerry: Hi.
Lloyd: So, I hear you're living back home now, is it?
George: Yeah, there was a fire in my apartment.
Lloyd: Fire! Whoa! There's a lot of major chicks in this place, huh? (George nudges Jerry with his right arm) Something wrong with your arm?
George: Uh, uh, yeah. Actually, the, uh, I-I bumped my elbow on a desk and uh injured something an.. now it sort of moves involuntarily.
Lloyd: Wow, that's a bitch, huh? So, how are your parents doing?
George: Oh, pretty good.
Lloyd: This place does some business, huh?
George: Yeah, this is my first time here. (nudges Jerry again)
Lloyd: Hey, she's a doll. (looking at Elaine)
Elaine: Hi!
George: Uh, Elaine, this is, uh, Lloyd.
Elaine: Hi!
Lloyd: Oh, hi! Very nice to meet you.
Elaine: Nice to meet you, too!
Lloyd: Well, I'm really sorry I gotta run now. (sets down his cup of yogurt and makes his way out) Well, take it easy, huh, George?
George: Yeah! Yeah.
Elaine: (excited about Lloyd) Aaah. Boy, he is really cute!
George: He's a jerk. (nudges to his right but no one is there)
Jerry: He's gone, George.
George: All right. All right.
Kramer: So, there were a lot of people there, huh?
Jerry: Oh, man, that yogurt place - you're going to make a fortune.
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: They're doing an incredible business.
Kramer: Yeah, well, I told you to go in on it.
Jerry: How did you know?
Kramer: Well, I tasted it at the one downtown. It's got a remarkable texture. You'd never know it was non-fat.
Jerry: (answering the buzzer) Yeah?
Elaine: (on the buzzer) Buzz me.
Jerry: Hey, I had the show of my life last night. I ad-libbed like ten new minutes.
Kramer: Yeah, but did you tape it?
Jerry: (pulling out a tape from his pocket) Vvvvup. Right there. I got it. I did this thing on the Ottoman Empire. Like, what was this? A whole empire based on putting your feet up?
Kramer: Yes!
Jerry: I'm telling you, I got like a whole new Tonight Show here.
Elaine: Hey!
Kramer: Hey!
Jerry: What's the matter?
Elaine: Oh, I was having lunch, and I bit down on the fork.
Jerry: Boy, it's hard to believe - with all that biting experience - a person could still make a mistake like that.
Kramer: (sort of falling backwords) Yowm!
Elaine: What?
Kramer: Well, you're getting heavy.
Elaine: (quietly) What?
Kramer: Yeah, you look like you put on (holds his hands out) five, (holds his hands wider) ten pounds.
Jerry: Kramer!
Kramer: I'll tell you something else, you're looking a little chunky yourself, buddy.
Jerry: Me?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: No.
Elaine: Where's your bathroom scale? (Jerry looks at her like 'where do you think?' Elaine and Jerry both go into the bathroom) Oh my god, I've gained seven pounds.
Jerry: I've gained eight.
Kramer: I told ya.
Elaine: Oh, my god! A couple, but 7 pounds. How did I gain 7 pounds?
Jerry: How did I gain eight?
Elaine: I don't get it. I, I've been doing the same exercises. I haven't been eating anything different.
Jerry: Me, either. Wait a second. Wait a second. Maybe it's that yogurt.
Kramer: No, no, no. That's hundred percent non-fat.
Jerry: Well, how else could this have happened?
Kramer: Well, maybe it's the Oreos.
Elaine: I don't eat Oreos.
Kramer: You don't eat Oreos? (acts out eating Oreos) The way you break them open? You're (does a bunch of licking motions) ~ practically having sex with them.
Jerry: What about me?
Kramer: You? You're getting old.
Jerry: Maybe your yogurt isn't so non-fat.
Kramer: Oh, guess again, Tubby!
Elaine: Jerry, there's got to be a way to find that out.
Jerry: There must be some kind of lab that would do that kind of thing.
Elaine: AH! I've got it.
Kramer: What?
Elaine: I'll call the Food and Drug Administration.
Kramer: Hey, I'll tell you what, Chubs, if that yogurt has fat in it, I will put myself on an all-yogurt diet for a week.
Jerry: Well, let's start the insanity.
Kramer: NNNN-Giddy-up!
Frank: Tommy Tune is a very good dancer. (hits George on the head with what seems to be the tvguide) You ever see Tommy Tune dance?
George: No.
Estelle: I like tap dancing.
Frank: Tap dancing. Anyone can tap dance. It's all in those shoes.
Estelle: Are you kidding? They practice for years, those people.
George: What's for supper?
Estelle: Somebody's at the door.
Frank: Tommy Tune is very tall. That helps. It makes him lankier.
Estelle: (answers the door) Lloyd?
Lloyd: Hello, Mrs. Costanza.
Estelle: Georgie, Lloyd Braun is here.
Frank: Hey! Lloyd!
Estelle: What are you doing here?
Lloyd: Well, I was just in the neighborhood visiting my mother so I thought I'd drop by and say, "Hello".
Estelle: Georgie. Come here and say hello.
Frank: How are you doing, Lloyd? I hear you're a big advisor for Dinkins now.
Lloyd: That's right. Hey, George.
George: Hey, Lloyd. (Shakes hands with Lloyd) How's it going? (chuckles)
Lloyd: I uh ran into George yesterday in the city.
Estelle: Ow! (hits George on the forehead) What's the matter with you?
Lloyd: So, uh, how's the arm, huh?
George: Oh, it's good.
Estelle: What's the matter with your arm?
George: Nothing.
Lloyd: Oh, his arm moves like this. (does the nudging motion)
Frank: Your arm moves like this? (does the nudging motion)
George: Yeah.
Frank: (continues to move his arm) I never seen your arm move like this.
Estelle: Me, either.
George: Well, it comes and goes.
Frank: It's like some kind of aaaaa (snapping his fingers) spasm.
Lloyd: Ooh! I asked Mr. Dinkins if he knew any good orthopedists, and he said he had the best. (hands George the Doctor's card) So, I made an appointment for you. Dr. Dekter.
Estelle: Mayor Dinkins got an appointment for him?
Frank: You mentioned George's name to Mayor Dinkins? You discussed George with the mayor of New York?
Estelle: Dinkins was talking about you. He was discussing you.
George: You know, Lloyd, I-I've been to the doctor (hands George the card) there's really nothing they can do.
Frank: (grabbing the card) Hey, Mayor Dinkins set this up for you. You know what kind of a doctor this must be if Dinkins knows him?
George: All right. All right! I'll go.
Lloyd: Well, that's great. (grabs the card back from Frank and hands it to George again) And, uh, I'll be very interested to hear the diagnosis.
Elaine: Uh-huh. Okay, well, we're coming down. All right. (hangs up the phone) Okay. I got a place that can analyze it. It's in Brooklyn. We have to drive there.
Jerry: And they said they can do it?
Elaine: Yeah, it's forty-five bucks.
Jerry: All right. Let's go down to the yogurt store, and we'll get a specimen.
Elaine: Hm-hmm.
Maryedith: Well, I hope you're satisfied.
Jerry: What?
Maryedith: Every word out of my son's mouth now is *beep*(fuck), *beep*(fuck), *beep*(fuck). (Jerry half turns and puts his head done for a second) You know what he said to me five minutes ago? Where's my *beep*(fuck)ing cupcake?
Jerry: Gee, I'm really sorry.
Maryedith: He wants to be like you because you're a comedian. Maybe you could talk to him?
Jerry: I'd be happy to.
Maryedith: Thank you.
Jerry: Ah, Mary, we've been eating a lot of your husband's uh yogurt at the yogurt place - does that have any fat in it?
Maryedith: No *beep*(fuck)ing way!
Lloyd: Well, it was very nice seeing you again.
Estelle: Oh, it was good seeing you.
Lloyd: Oh, um, by the way, who was that gorgeous woman I saw you with the other day?
George: Oh, uh, just a friend of mine.
Estelle: You must mean Elaine. Isn't she adorable?
Lloyd: She is. She is. How about giving me her number?
George: Oh, you know, Lloyd, I really don't have it.
Estelle: She works at Pendant Publishing. Elaine Benes.
Lloyd: Oh, great. (nudges George on the chin) Thanks a lot!
George: Yeah!
Lloyd: Buh bye.
Estelle: Bye! (Lloyd leaves) Oh, that Lloyd Braun. He is something, isn't he?
Newman: Well, I wouldn't hear of it. I said, "Nice try, granny!" And I sent her to the back of the line!
Jerry: Hello, Newman.
Newman: Hello, Jerry. Say, this yogurt is really something, huh? And it's non-fat! I've been waiting for something like this my whole life! And it's finally here!
Owner: Hey, Seinfeld. I'd appreciate it if you'd stop using obscenities around my son, huh?
Jerry: It was an accident. I'm going to talk to him.
Elaine: I want a small, plain vanilla in a cup to go. That's non-fat, right?
Owner: That's right.
Elaine: 'Cause I'm on a special diet, and the doctor said I can't have any fat.
Owner: Yeah, well, there is no fat.
Newman: Hey, another round of strawberry for me and my friends.
Elaine: Hurry, Jerry! Hurry!
Jerry: How's it doing?
Elaine: Not so good.
Kramer: Well, you can't have this tested now. It's melting.
Jerry: So what.
Kramer: It changes the molecules.
Jerry: Oh, you don't know what you're talking about.
Kramer: Hey, fatso! I got a 90 in biology.
Jerry: You call me fatso one more time; you're going to be walking back.
Elaine: Um, hi! Hi. I called earlier about getting the yogurt tested.
Lab Technician: Oh, right. Would you fill this out, please?
Elaine: Uh, does it matter if it's melted?
Lab Technician: No! (Jerry looks at Kramer) You know, this is going to take a couple of days.
Elaine: That's okay.
Kramer: Hello, there.
Cheryl: Hello!
Kramer: Ooh! Test tubes. Cool!
Jerry: What do you got there?
Lab Technician: Actually, this is Mr. Giuliani's blood. We're doing a cholesterol work up on it.
Jerry: Oh.
Elaine: Okay, I'm done.
Cheryl: It was really nice meeting you.
Kramer: Well, the pleasure's all mine.
Jerry: You can't take that chemist out.
Kramer: Why not?
Jerry: Because she's like the jury. She's going to be sequestered.
Kramer: I'm not taking her out just to influence the results.
Jerry: Well, I think the whole thing stinks.
Elaine: It smells. Smells bad. Smells really bad.
Jerry: That's enough.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: With the smelling.
George: So, he made an appointment for me to see Dinkins' doctor. He's just trying to humiliate me.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
George: And I have to go. If I don't go, he'll know I'm lying.
Jerry: Well, so, what are you going to do? Sit in the doctor's office doing this? (moves his arm) He's gonna think you're a mental patient.
George: I don't care. Look, Lloyd doesn't know what he's up against. This is nothing to me. (moving his arm) My whole life is a lie.
Elaine: Hey!
George: Hey
Jerry: Hey.
Elaine: So, guess who called me.
George: Oh, don't tell me. Lloyd?
Elaine: We're going out tomorrow night.
George: Oh, look, he's going to ask you about my arm. So, just tell him I banged it against a desk. And it's been moving involuntarily ever since.
Elaine: I can't say that.
George: Why not?
Elaine: What if I like him? I'm going to start out lying to this guy?
George: So, you're taking his side?
Elaine: No. But what if we get married or something? We'll always have that between us.
George: Already you're marrying this guy?
Elaine: You never know.
George: All right, believe me, you're not going to marry him.
Elaine: All right, well, then what if we become a couple, George? Every time we see you you're going to be walking around going like this? (moving her arm) Even you can't keep that up.
Jerry: No, I believe he can.
Maryedith: Hi!
Jerry: Hi!
Maryedith: You know Jerry.
Matthew: Of course, he's the funny *beep*(fuck).
Maryedith: See!
Jerry: Listen, Matthew, I-I want to explain something to you. Now, cursing is not something that most comedians do.
Matthew: You did it.
Jerry: That's true. But it was an accident. And I haven't done it since. And I would never do it again. And if you continue cursing, you'll never become a comedian like me when you grow up. (phone rings) Excuse me one second.
Elaine: You know, Lloyd advises Dinkins on everything he does.
George: Yeah, yeah. Big advisor.
Elaine: He tells him which soap to use.
Jerry: (quickly moves over toward Matthew) What the *beep*(fuck) are you doing? You little piece of *beep*(shit)!
Cheryl: Shh! We don't want to disturb the security guard.
Kramer: Where's the lights. Whoa!
Cheryl: How about this?
Kramer: Yeah! Bunsen burner. (runs his fingers through the flame) oo ya ya.
Cheryl: Oo.
Kramer: Yaow.
Cheryl: Ha hea.
Kramer: You want a taste? It's Cappuccino.
Cheryl: It's delicious.
Kramer: I hear you.
Cheryl: Non-fat?
Kramer: Well, you tell me. Is the verdict in yet?
Cheryl: No.
Kramer: Well, this is in case there's a tie!
Elaine: Well, as far as I know, he bumped his arm into a door and it's kind of got this in(pauses)voluntarily movement. Some sort of a (clears her throat) spasm. So, anyway, you're a..you're a big advisor to Dinkins, huh?
Lloyd: Yeah, yeah. It's coming right down to the wire.
Elaine: Wow! You know what I would do if I was running for mayor. One of my campaign themes would be that everybody should wear name tags all the time to make the city friendlier.
Lloyd: Name tags, hmm?
Elaine: Well, everybody would know everybody. It would be like a small town.
Lloyd: Maybe I'll mention that to him.
Elaine: Really? Wow.
Lloyd: You sure you don't want any yogurt?
Elaine: No, I'm watching my weight.
Lloyd: Well, it's non-fat.
Elaine: Yeah, so they say.
Lloyd: Well I'm done, should we go?
Elaine: Yeah. Okay.
Elaine: Three days and he hasn't called me, and you know why? Because he thinks I'm too fat.
Jerry: (surprised) He said that?
Elaine: (stands up straight) No, but I saw the look on his face when he put his arm around me. And then we went to his apartment, and I sat on one of his chairs and it broke. And he says, "Boy, you're a lot of woman!"
Kramer: Hey! So, hear anything on the yogurt?
Jerry: No, but I expect to hear anytime.
Kramer: Well, I wouldn't get your hopes up.
Jerry: Why do you say that?
Kramer: No reason. Oh, did you hear about that Dinkins?
Elaine: No. What about him?
Kramer: You didn't hear?
Elaine: Un-huh.
Kramer: He's proposing a plan where everyone in the city should wear name tags.
Jerry: Name tags?
Kramer: Yeah! So people can go around saying "hello" to one another.
Jerry: Oh, I see. So you can go, "Hey, you know who I saw wilding today? Herb!"
Kramer: He's become the laughing stock! You know The Times has already stated it could cost him the election. (laughing) Name tags!
Jerry: (on the phone) Hello? Yes. Uh-huh. Ya. Oh, really? Okay, thank you very much. Bye-bye. (hangs up the phone) Well, the yogurt verdict is in. (Kramer looks at Jerry with his arms out) Fat!
Kramer: Yeow!
George: The next morning, I woke up, and it was going like this. (moves his arm slowly) I can control it if I really concentrate. But otherwise, (arm moves) oh.
Doctor: Uh huh. Yes, well, I'm going to have to be perfectly honest with you.
George: Please, doctor.
Doctor: I've examined you.
George: Yes.
Doctor: I've looked at your X-rays.
George: Uh-huh.
Doctor: And I find that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.
George: Hmm. Really? Nothing?
Doctor: Nothing, that would indicate involuntary spasms.
George: Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't it?
Doctor: No, not really.
George: How so?
Doctor: May I suggest the possibility that you're faking?
George: Faking? What makes you think that I have time to see doctors, take X-rays, make appointments, when there's absolutely nothing wrong with me? What kind of a person would do a thing like that?
Doctor: I don't know what kind of a person would do something like that. Obviously a very sick person. A very immature person. A person who has no regard for wasting other people's valuable time. Good-bye.
George: Now, see here, doctor.
Doctor: I said, good-bye.
George: Fine. (hits his arm on the desk) Ow!
Elaine: Jerry, come on, look. Let's go over to that yogurt store.
Jerry: Look, Elaine, I've been thinking about this. This has got to be a massive conspiracy. Who knows how deep it goes. Hey, look, wait a second, (looking at the TV) Kramer, turn that up.
Kramer: Huh, Okay.
News: Rudy Giuliani, who underwent a physical last week, received some startling news today, when his cholesterol count turned out to be a whopping 375. What effect this will have on the minds of the voters remains to be seen. In another development, Mayor Dinkins has fired his top advisor, Lloyd Braun, who is believed to be responsible for the name tag fiasco. We now take you to Giuliani headquarters where Rudy Giuliani is about to make a statement.
Giuliani: It's hard to understand. Because I've been doing everything I normally do. I've been watching my diet very carefully. I exercise regularly. My only indulgence, I guess, would be that I eat a lot of frozen yogurt. But it's non-fat.
Jerry: Non-fat yogurt? Oh, my god. They got Giuliani and he doesn't even know it.
Elaine: (pointing to Kramer) Now look what you've done.
Jerry: Well, we've got to do something. (grabs his phone) I'm calling Giuliani's headquarters.
George: Name tags! Name tags! What kind of an idiot thinks anybody would be interested in an idea like that.
Frank: I don't think it's so bad. People should wear name tags. Everyone would be a lot friendlier. "Hello, Sam." "How are you doing, Joe?" (George's arm moves and hits the lamp) Hey, your arm. It moved again. I thought you said it went away.
George: I banged it on the desk in the doctor's office. An (worriedly rubbing his arm) aaaa . . .
Estelle: Be quiet. They're starting the press conference.
Giuliani: My campaign staff has received some very disturbing information regarding the fat content in yogurt that's being sold throughout the city. I pledge to you now, that if I'm elected mayor, as my first order of business I'll appoint a special task force to investigate this matter. I promise you, my fellow New Yorkers, that Mayor Giuliani will do everything possible to cleanse this city of this falsified non-fat yogurt.
Jerry: The old yogurt was so much better. Oh, this is terrible.
George: Phew!
Elaine: Oh, it stinks.
Kramer: Mine, too. I got one more day.
Jerry: I can't eat this.
Newman: (from the corner of the Yogurt shop) Hey, Jerry. Thanks a lot. I hope you're happy.
Jerry: It had fat in it, it's not good for you.
Newman: I don't care. It was good. I was enjoying it. Had to interfere. Couldn't leave well enough alone. Well, I will get even with you for this. You can count on it.
Elaine: Hey, you guys, listen to this. Listen to this. (reading from the newspaper) Apparently some blood spilled into Mr. Giuliani's test tube causing his cholesterol count to be 150 points higher than was initially reported. Ironically, the mishap by bringing the non-fat yogurt scandal to the attention of the public, probably clinched the election for the Republican. It was the one issue which seemed to electrify the voters and swept Giuliani into office.
Jerry: So, in effect, the yogurt won him the election.
Elaine: I wonder what actually happened in that lab.
Kramer: Yeah, me, too.
Newman: I can't eat this.
Matthew: (hits Jerry to get his attention) Thanks for ruining my daddy's business, you fat *beep*(fuck).


Jerry: The old-fashioned barber shop is unfortunately becoming a thing of the past, now what went wrong? Well first of all there's a twenty thousand dollar chair to make a three dollar tip. I say cut back on the chair, update the magazines. Why do barbers always display that license? There's no laws in hair cutting, except show every person the back of their head that's the one law. I don't want to see the back of my head. Why do I want to see something that I'm never going to see at any other time? When I buy pants two salesmen don't lift me up by the legs and go "how do you like crotch?" If I wanted to see everything I would have been a fly.
Mr. Tuttle: Well George we here at Sanalac like to think of ourselves as a fairly progressive company. We have a small but prestigious group of clients.
George: Well a lot of people consider me small and prestigious.
Mr. Tuttle: That's funny George. You're very quick. I feel like I, like I don't have to explain every little thing to you. You understand everything immediately.
George: I enjoy understanding.
Mr. Tuttle: I want you to have this job. Of course...
Secretary: Mr. Zimmer is on line 2.
Mr. Tuttle: Thanks. I've got to take this call. Listen, I'm really glad that you came in.
George: I want you to have this job. Of course...
Jerry & Elaine: Yeah?
George: That's it.
Jerry: What do you mean that's it?
George: He never finished the sentence. He got a call, that was the end of the interview.
Jerry: "Of course" was the last thing he said?
George: Maybe he was going to say "Of course I have to check with my associates."
Elaine: "I want you to have this job, of course the Board of Directors is under indictment and will be serving time."
Jerry: "I want you to have this job, of course sodomy is a prerequisite."
George: All right.
Elaine: Why don't you go ahead and call him?
George: Because he made a big deal about how I understand everything immediately. That's what impressed him.
Jerry: So if you call and ask if you have the job, you might lose the job.
George: And if I don't call...
Jerry: You might have the job, but you'll never know it. What kind of company is it?
George: Rest stop supply.
Elaine & Jerry: Oh.
Elaine: Good for you.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
George: Hey
Jerry: Hey
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Shower?
Kramer: Haircut.
Jerry: Oh.
Kramer: I'm very happy with this.
Jerry: Who'd you use? Gino?
Kramer: Oh course. I wouldn't let that other butcher cut my hair.
Elaine: What butcher?
Kramer: The uncle Enzo. That's the guy Jerry uses.
Jerry: Well I've been going with him for 12 years. I can't switch. I'd hurt his feelings.
Elaine: You never get good haircuts.
Kramer: You can get a good one today. It's Enzo's day off. Gino's there all by himself.
Jerry: Really?
Elaine: Yeah. You know what, you should go over there and get one to look good for my bachelor auction.
Kramer: What bachelor auction?
Elaine: Oh it's a thing where they auction off dates with bachelors for charity.
Kramer: And you didn't ask me to do it? I could raise enough money to cure polio.
Jerry: I believe they've had a cure for polio for quite some time.
Kramer: Polio?
Elaine: Will you go ahead? You need a haircut.
Jerry: Okay.
Kramer: What are you all dressed up for?
George: I had a job interview.
Kramer: Yeah. How'd it go?
George: Good. Of course...
Enzo: Oh Jerry.
Jerry: Oh hi Enzo.
Enzo: Oh, you've come for the haircut.
Jerry: No, actually I was just gonna...
Enzo: It's my day off, but I take care of you anyway because you're my favorite customer. You've been with me for so long. You're so loyal.
Jerry: Well I, if it's your day off I really... (tries to leave)
Enzo: (He pulls Jerry into the barber chair. Jerry is trying to get away but can't.) Eh, what's the difference. It takes 10 minutes. Jerry, today I'm going to do something special for you.
Jerry: Well I don't want to take too much off.
Enzo: Hey who's your barber, eh? You tell the joke, I cut the hair.
Man: Gino, you've outdone yourself this time. This is the best haircut I've ever had.
George: He massacred you.
Jerry: I know.
George: You look like you're five years old.
Jerry: What if I shampoo? Sometimes a shampoo helps.
George: You've got to start seeing someone else. Get out of this relationship.
Jerry: I can't. He loves me. He says I'm his most loyal customer. Plus he's right there on the corner. I'd have to pass him every day when I go by.
George: Well, you gotta do it.
Jerry: I can't, I can't. I'd break his heart.
Kramer: No way my Gino did that. It's an Enzo.
Jerry: He was in the shop. I thought you told me he wasn't going to be there.
Kramer: So what?
Jerry: I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
Kramer: His feelings? You can't continue seeing him. You're destroying yourself.
Jerry: Yea but...
Kramer: I'm not going to let you. If you don't call him I will.
Jerry: No, no Kramer. I don't want you to do that. You can't do that.
Kramer: I'm going to call Gino, you're going to see him, and we're going to get that haircut fixed up.
Jerry: I don't want you to call him.
Kramer: All right, geez. You're crazy.
George: So I still haven't heard about that job.
Jerry: Yeah that's a tough one. What are you going to do about that?
George: I have an idea.
Jerry: Yeah?
George: I show up.
Jerry: What do you mean you show up?
George: I show up. I pretend I have the job. The guy's on vacation. If I have the job, it's fine. If I don't have the job, by the time he comes back, I'm ensconced.
Jerry: Hmm. Not bad.
George: What's the worst thing that could happen?
Jerry: Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out in shame with your tail between your legs.
George: Yeah, so?
Jerry: Yeah, I see what you mean. I forgot who I was dealing with here.
George: (to various people as he walks in) Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Hi nice to see you. How are you. Good morning. (to the secretary) Good morning.
Secretary: How can I help you?
George: The name's George Constanza. I'm starting work here today. I was wondering if you could tell me where my office is.
Secretary: I wasn't aware that, uh, Mike, this is George Constanza. He's starting here today.
Mike: Welcome aboard.
George: Thanks Mike. Nice to be aboard.
Mike: I wasn't aware that Mr. Tuttle was finished interviewing.
George: Oh, well, he was probably just getting anxious to start his vacation.
Secretary: He wants to know where his office is.
Mike: Oh, ah, let's see, we've got two. There's a big one down the hall there and a small one over here. You know I should ask Jack.
George: Oh leave Jack alone. Jack's got enough problems. I'll just take the small office.
Mike: Really?
George: Yes. I like to feel cozy. I have a very small apartment. I like to feel tucked in, nestled in. Love to be nestled.
Mike: All right, it's 808 right down there. Meanwhile, I'll get you the Pensky file, you can start working on that.
George: Yes, yes of course. The Pensky file. Ho ho, can't wait to sink my teeth into that. Wow that Pensky. Well we'll straighten him out.
(Camera Shot At The Clock On His Wall. The Clock Says 9: 00.)
(A Moment Later, The Clock Flips To 5: 00.)
Jerry: So what did you do there all day?
George: They gave me the Pensky file.
Jerry: So it's a nice place to work?
George: You know I'm enjoying it very much. I think my coworkers are really taking to me.
George: (continuing) I feel like a family. In fact, yesterday was Grace's birthday. She's such a sweet woman so, we had a little party, with cake and champagne. I made a toast.
Jerry: What about your boss? The guys you interviewed you?
George: He'll be back on Monday.
Jerry: Hi.
Elaine: Hi. How come you're wearing a hat?
Jerry: I got a haircut.
Elaine: Oh yeah? Can I see it?
Jerry: Oh there's nothing to see.
Elaine: Come on. Let me see it.
Jerry: Forget it.
Elaine: Come on.
Jerry: All right.
Jerry: Alright, that's very good. Thank you.
Elaine: (still laughing, tears in her eyes) I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Jerry: Well I'll tell you this, you can forget about me going to that bachelor auction.
Elaine: What? No Jerry, you have to go.
George: You know Elaine, I'd do it but I'm working that day.
Elaine: (dryly) Yeah, too bad.
Kramer: It the worst haircut Jerry's ever had. You gotta fix it.
Gino: Sure, I fix. But you gotta make sure you no tell anybody. He's a little crazy. I don't know what he'd do if he found out I touch Jerry's hair.
Kramer: Yeah yeah yeah.
Gino: (Enzo enters) So I love the Edward Scissorhands. That's the best movie I've ever seen.
Enzo: Oh ah, again with the Edward Scissorhand. How can you have hand like a scissor, huh? Show me one person who's got hand like a scissor.
Gino: Hey, it's a beautiful dream. I'd love to be this man.
Enzo: Did you ever think about what you're going to do on the toilet? (yelling) What are you going to do on the toilet?
Kramer: I'd like to have shoehorn hands.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey
Kramer: Okay listen to me. I talked to Gino, he's going to fix the haircut.
Elaine: Oh great, then you can go to the bachelor auction.
Jerry: Yeah, but how am I...
Kramer: No buts. His apartment tonight, Eight o'clock.
Elaine: Can he fix it?
Kramer: I don't know.
Gino: Boy, you've got a beautiful head of hair.
Jerry: Oh. thank you.
Gino: I bet uncle Enzo, he tell you that all the time.
Jerry: Well actually Enzo hasn't said that to me in a while.
Gino: I don't think Uncle Enzo realize what a lucky barber he is.
Jerry: That's nice of you to say.
Gino: Just a second. (answering buzzer) Yes.
Enzo: (over the speaker) It's your uncle Enzo.
Gino: It's Uncle Enzo. Go in there. I'll clean up.
Gino: Uncle Enzo, what are you doing here?
Enzo: I've come to apologize.
Gino: Apologize?
Enzo: Yea. I rented the move Edward Scissorhands. That Johnny Depp, he make me cry.
Gino: He make me cry too. You want something to drink?
Enzo: Hey, what's all of this?
Gino: Nothing. It's just hair.
Enzo: You do haircut in the apartment?
Gino: No. Pizza man was here. Maybe some fall off. He's going bald.
Enzo: It looks very familiar.
Jerry: In the one minute he worked on me I could tell he was really good.
Kramer: Yeah. Slow, gentle, attentive.
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: I told you he could do it.
Jerry: Enzo picked up one of my hairs off the floor.
Kramer: Yeah, so?
Jerry: I think he knew.
Kramer: No. He doesn't know.
Jerry: Who do you know? He knows my hair.
Kramer: Listen you're just imagining things. He doesn't know a thing. Now come on. Pull yourself together.
Jerry: Okay, okay.
Elaine: What happened? It looks the same.
Jerry: He didn't get to finish it. His uncle came in. We almost got caught.
Elaine: Jerry, the auction is in a few hours.
Jerry: Take the K-man.
Elaine: You can still go.
Kramer: What are you kidding? Look at him. He's grotesque.
Elaine: You think?
Kramer: Do I think? He's repugnant.
Elaine: What would you wear?
Kramer: Whatever it takes.
Enzo: See, now Newman is a good customer.
Newman: Once I find a barber I stick with him. I almost went to barber school. I always felt I had a talent for it.
Enzo: Oh, not everybody like Newman, so loyal.
Newman: Yeah, just the way that I was raised. I'm special.
Enzo: You know I don't mind if somebody's funny, but I no like the funny business.
Gino: I'm going to go out for a little bit. I'll be right back.
Enzo: Take your time. (Gino leaves) You happy with the haircut?
Newman: It's okay. A little crooked.
Enzo: How'd you like to have free haircut for six months.
Newman: What's the catch?
Enzo: You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair.
Newman: Hmm, that job sounds like it might be worth a year's free haircuts. And a comb.
Secretary: (over the speaker) Mr. Costanza, Mr. Pensky is here to see you.
George: Mr. Pensky? Of the Pensky file?
Pensky: Costanza? Arthur Pensky.
George: Mr. Pensky. I was just working on your file. I was transferring the contents of the file into this flexible accordion-style folder.
Pensky: Where's Tuttle?
George: He's on vacation.
Pensky: He was on vacation the last time I dropped by. Give me my file. (looks through the file) Looks like you put a lot of work into this.
George: Well you know in college they used to call me the little bulldog.
Pensky: Hey, you are Pensky material. Would you ever consider coming to work directly for me?
George: Really?
Pensky: You are aware...
Secretary: (over the speaker) Mr. Castanza?
George: Not now Florice.
Secretary: (speaker) I thought Mr. Pensky should know they're towing his car.
Pensky: Damn this city.
George: I am aware. I am aware.
Gino: He knows. He knows about us.
Jerry: How do you know?
Gino: Because I know. He's crazy. All morning, he looking at the hair. He staring at the hair.
Jerry: Who is it?
Newman: It's Newman.
Gino: He was in the shop with Enzo. He can't see me here.
Jerry: All right, go in the bedroom. Open the window. You can go out the fire escape.
Jerry: What do you want?
Newman: (dancing) Can I use your bathroom?
Jerry: What's wrong with yours?
Newman: My toilet's clogged.
Jerry: You can't unclog it?
Newman: No.
Jerry: Did you ask Kramer?
Newman: He's out.
Jerry: Number one?
Newman: Yes, yes. May I go? Cause I gotta go very badly.
Jerry: All right. Flush twice.
Newman: (thinking to himself; checks a comb) No. (checks a brush) Jackpot. I don't believe this. There's no hair in this thing. I've never seen a person that didn't have at least one hair in a brush.
Jerry: All right?
Newman: Yeah, yeah.
Jerry: All right, I'll see you later.
Newman: What are you doing?
Jerry: I'm watching Edward Scissorhands.
Newman: Oh, can I watch a little? Cuz it's my favorite movie.
Jerry: Yeah all right.
Jerry: You want something to drink?
Newman: No. No.
Jerry: If you want to watch, sit down. You're making me nervous. I tell you this Scissorhands is a hell of a barber.
Newman: Gotta go. Oh gee, I dropped a nickel (reaches down and picks up the hair.)
Enzo: Did you get it? (comparing the hairs) Oh you done good Newman.
Newman: It was a cinch. Where are you going?
Enzo: Io volgio vandetta.
Elaine: Nine hundred. Do I hear a thousand? Ladies, he is a Harvard graduate.
Woman: A thousand.
Elaine: A thousand. Okay, a thousand once, a thousand twice, a thousand three times, sold to the lucky lady in the third row. Congratulations, thank you so much.
Elaine: Okay next bachelor is number, um 124 on your program. He's uh, he's a high school graduate.
Kramer: Equivalency.
Elaine: Oh, uh equivalency. A high school equivalency program graduate. (Kramer dances up and down the stage) He's uh, self-employed. He's... I don't know, six foot three, 190 pounds, he likes, uh... fruit, and he just got uh, a haircut.
Elaine: Oh, Kramer. Okay uh, why don't we start the bidding. Do I hear, um, five bucks?
Jerry: I don't get this Scissorhands. What, is he supposed to be like a super hero, like Green Lantern or somebody? What's with this guy? (Gino looks at him annoyed) Just asking.
Jerry: Who is it?
Enzo: (yelling) Enzo Manginero.
Jerry: Oh my god, he knows. (Jerry and Gino scrambling) Go. (yelling to the door) One second.
Enzo: It was you that was in Gino's apartment the other night.
Jerry: No I wasn't there. (enters and slams the door)
Enzo: Don't lie. I know it was you. I get a sample of your hair. I match them up.
Jerry: Sample? (under his breath) Newman. Uh, I was there but I was just dropping off a book.
Gino: Don't Jerry.
Enzo: So, it's true.
Gino: Yes it's true.
Enzo: I'm going to kill the both of you.
George: Mr. Tuttle, you're back.
Tuttle: George, I'm surprised to see you here.
George: You are?
Tuttle: I thought you would have taken the large office.
George: Oh. Really.
Tuttle: I guess I didn't make that clear when I hired you. So where's that Pensky file? Let's see what you've been up to all week.
George: Ah, here it is.
Tuttle: (pages through the file) What have you been doing all week?
George: Well you missed a lovely little party that we had for Grace.
Tuttle: You haven't done anything with this.
George: Well bear in mind that I am in the smaller office.
Tuttle: I'm beginning to wonder if you understand anything.
George: You are aware that Pensky is interested in me.
Tuttle: (scoffs) You're not Pensky material.
George: (chuckles) Really? Well, we'll just see about that. Ta-ta, Tut-tle.
Pensky: Gee George, I'm sorry I gave you the wrong impression. What is was going to say was, now you are aware that our Board of Directors has been indicted, myself included, and we're prohibited from doing business until the investigation is completed. So obviously, we would have no use for you.
George: Obviously.
Pensky: Yes.
Secretary: (over the speaker) Excuse me, but Mr. Costanza's car is being towed.
Kramer: (on the phone in Jerry's apartment) So when are you gonna be able to go out?
Newman: (on the phone in his apartment with a Bald head) Not for a while.


[Setting: Night club]
Jerry: If there's a serial killer lose in your neighborhood, it seems like the safest thing is to be the neighbor. They never kill the neighbor. The neighbor always survives to do the interview afterwards. Right? "Oh, he was kind of quiet." I love these neighbors. They're never disturbed by the sounds of murdering, just stereo. Chain saws, people screaming, fine. Just keep the music down. And all these women who always fall in love with the serial killer. They write to him in prison. Here's a woman that's hard to disappoint. I guess she's only upset when she finds out he's stopped killing people and she goes "You know sometimes I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore".
[Setting: Elaine's office and Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: No eight years isn't such a long streak.
Elaine: It isn't?
Jerry: No I haven't vomited in thirteen years.
Elaine: Get out!
Jerry: Not since June 29, 1980.
Elaine: You remember the date?
Jerry: Yes, because my previous vomit was also June 29th... 1972. That's why during the '80 vomit, I was yelling to George "Can you believe it? I'm vomiting on June 29th again."
Elaine: Boy, you know when Joel told me he hadn't thrown up in eight years, I was wondering if he was normal.
Jerry: No Elaine he's normal. Your boyfriend is a normal guy. He just happens to have the same name as one of the worst serial killers in the history of New-York.
Elaine: Yeah... (2 co-workers enter Elaine's office) Oh Jer, I gotta go. I gotta go. (she hangs up)
Joanne: Hi, we just saw your boyfriend at a bus stop.
Elaine: Oh, yeah?
Joanne: Yeah. What's his name?
Elaine: Joel...
Joanne: Joel what?
Elaine: Uh... (clears her throat) Rifkin.
Michael: Rifkin? Joel Rifkin?
Elaine: Yeah. It's just a coincidence obviously.
Michael: Guess you better keep on his good side.
Elaine: Very funny. That's very funny.
Joanne: I wouldn't sleep with my back to him if I were you.
Elaine: All right. Well that's enough of that. That's enough.
Michael: Hey Elaine listen. If you smell anything decaying in the trunk of his car...
Elaine: (she's upset, gets up and yells) OK look this is my boyfriend we're talking about OK? And he's a gentlemen, he's good looking, he's a good shaver and he hasn't thrown up in eigth years so just shut up about him! Shut up!
[Setting: Jerry's]
Elaine: The whole city is talking about this monster Joel Rifkin, and I am dating a Joel Rifkin.
Jerry: But you like your Joel Rifkin.
Elaine: Yeah. I just wish he has a different name.
Jerry: Ask him to change it.
Elaine: You can't ask a person to change their name.
Jerry: Why not?
Elaine: Would you change yours?
Jerry: If someone asked me nicely. I'm Claude Seinfeld.
Elaine: Hey, how many people did Rifkin strangle? Eighteen?
Jerry: Yeah. Eighteen strangles.
Kramer: You know why Rifkin was a serial killer? Because he was adopted. (saying it as he's taking a lot of paper towels from Jerry's roll; Elaine and Jerry are confused at Kramer's statement) Just like Son of Sam was adopted. So apparently adoption leads to serial killing. (Kramer leaves and we don't know why he needed so much paper towels)
Elaine: You know Joel and I have an extra ticket to the Giants game.
Kramer: I'll go.
Elaine: O.K. I'll leave the ticket for you at will call.
Kramer: Yeah! Ooh! (leaves again)
Elaine: You think I should have asked George?
Jerry: Hey did you hear that George got back with Karen?
Elaine: Karen?
Jerry: Risotto. (we see a flashback from The Mango where Karen tells George that she feels full after a Risotto, as opposed to when she has sex with him)
Elaine: Oh! The Risotto broad.
Jerry: Yeah. He's really got a good thing with her. In fact I'm doubling with them tonight.
Elaine: I tought you didn't like double dates.
Jerry: George likes them, he feels it's a good personality showcase. He likes a date to see him with a friend so she can get a window into his nondate personality.
Elaine: I've looked through that window and screamed at him to shut the blinds.
Jerry: He feels he's funnier, more relaxed.
Elaine: And you're taking...
Jerry: Jody the masseuse.
Elaine: Hey, did you get a massage yet?
Jerry: No! How many times do I have to go out with her before I get a massage?
Elaine: Jerry, she gives massages all day. She doesn't wanna to give them on dates.
Jerry: Yeah I know... She just wants to have sex.
Elaine: So what?
Jerry: So it's like going to Idhao and eating carrots. I like carrots, but I'm in Idhao, I want a potato.
[Setting: The Chinese restaurant (the same as in 'The Chinese Restaurant')]
George: (George is telling a story. Karen is laughing and she seems to be the only one to find him funny) So I go into this clothing store and the saleswoman is wearing this (whistling) low cut thing. So I said to her "Can I ask you a question? When you put on a top like that, what's your tought process? What's going on in your mind?"
Karen: That is so funny.
George: (to Jody) You're listening to this?
Jodi: Yeah. I heard you.
Jerry: (to Jody) My neck is killing me. Right in this spot. Very tender over here.
Jodi: (to George) So what did she say?
George: Well nothing. I didn't actually say that. (Karen is still laughing)
Jodi: You just said that you said it.
George: Sweetheart, I was exaggerating.
Karen: I'm learning a lot about you tonight George. I've never seen you like this.
Jerry: (touching the back of his neck) It's like somebody's pulling on wires back here.
George: You know it's like you never see a really attractive woman getting a traffic ticket.
Jodi: How can you say that? My sister got a ticket last week. Are you saying she's not attractive?
George: Well I've never met your sister but obviously these are not hard-and-fast rules. (to the waitress) Darling, the tea is getting a little cold sweetheart.
Jodi: (to Jerry) Can we go?
Jerry: Yeah. Let's go.
Karen: So soon? (they get up)
Jerry: Yeah. Good seeing you again Karen.
Karen: Yeah.
Jodi: Nice meeting you Karen.
Karen: Yeah. Nice to meet you too and I'm gonna call you about that massage.
Jodi: Oh yeah.
George: Jody let's do this agian real soon (he tends his arms for a hug but she avoids him)
Jodi: Yeah. (she and Jerry walk away)
[Setting: Jerry's place later that night]
Jerry: I strained my neck last night.
Jodi: Really, how?
Jerry: I tried brushing my teeth by holding the brush and moving my head from side to side. It didn't work.
Jodi: So what's the deal with your friend George?
Jerry: No deal. Why?
Jodi: What was all that "attractive women not getting tickets" nonsense?
Jerry: Oh well, he was just showcasing his nondate pesonality.
Jodi: I don't know how you can hang out with that guy.
Jerry: Yeah. Sometimes he really makes me tense (he takes Jody's hand and put it on his shoulder)
Jodi: Did you see the way that he was eating?
Jerry: Yeah, he's disgusting. (putting her hand back on his shoulder. She unconsciously starts to massage a little while watching TV)
Jodi: I have to tell you, I really don't like him.
Jerry: Yeah, me either. (he takes her other hand and put it on his other shoulder)
Jodi: It's just I hate that type.
Jerry: Yeah, he's a bad seed.
Jodi: Now you however, you, I like. (she stops massaging and kisses Jerry)
Jerry: What are you doing?
Jodi: What do you think I'm doing? (he won't get his massage...)
[Setting: The Chinese restaurant]
George: So, what do you think?
Karen: Really enjoyed it.
George: Jody's nice.
Karen: She's very nice. (grabs George's hand) Let's discuss this later.
George: You think she liked me? She seemed to like me.
Karen: Yeah
George: I was personable. Don't you think I was personable?
Karen: You were extremely personable.
George: I tought I picked up a little something. I'm very good at this. Did you pick up anything?
Karen: I didn't pick up anything.
George: The second time I sent the noodles back, I tought she made a face...
Karen: I didn't see a face.
George: I tought I saw a face.
Karen: Anyhow, what is the difference?
George: No difference. I could care less. She's Jerry's girlfriend.
Karen: George, George, instead of talking about this, we could be... you know... (she makes a move with her head like George did in 'The Mango' while saying "instead of the movie...")
George: He he he he
Karen: Ah ah ah ah
George: So you think she likes me?
[Setting: Elaine's place]
Elaine: (as he touches her) Uhh! What are you doing?
Joel: Massaging your neck.
Elaine: Oh. Huh. Of course. Massaging.
Joel: Uh, boning up on football? (talking about the magazine she's reading as he sits beside her)
Elaine: Yeah, yeah. You know what? There are a lot of players named Deon these days. What a cool name, Deon. If I were gonna change my name, I'd go with Deon.
Joel: Deon Benes?
Elaine: Well as a woman, it makes no sense. But, I mean, let's say I was you. And I decided I was gonna change my name for no real reasons whatsoever- Deon Rifkin. Wow! That is so cool.
Joel: D-Deon Rifkin?
Elaine: Well maybe you're not the Dion type. O.K. then let's see, let's see, what do we got? (looking at the magazine, she starts to gasp and loses it) Oh! Oh oh oh! O.J.! O.J. Rifkin! You don't even use a name, it's just initials. Oh please please please change your name to O.J.! Please, it would be so great!
Joel: Elaine! What is going on?
[Setting: Monk's]
George: She stayed over?
Jerry: Yeah. (disappointed)
George: The sex wasn't so good?
Jerry: No. The sex was fabulous.
George: So?
Jerry: I want the massage!
George: Did you ask her?
Jerry: I tried putting her hands there (on his neck) but she pulls it away immediately, she's not into it.
George: Why not?
Jerry: I guess 'cause it's her job. It's very frustrating.
George: So we had a good time... the four of us.
Jerry: Yeah.
George: We all got along. Everyone seemed very pleasant.
Jerry: Yeah.
George: What did Jodi say?
Jerry: She had a good time.
George: Is that it?
Jerry: Pretty much.
George: Did she say anything about, uh...
Jerry: What?
George: Nah. It's all right. Great! She had a good time.
Jerry: Yeah (a so-so yeah as he takes a sip of coffee)
George: You just hesitated.
Jerry: I was blowing on the coffee.
George: She didn't like me?
Jerry: Look it's not like you're gonna be spending a lot of time with her.
George: So she doesn't like me?
Jerry: No.
George: She said that?
Jerry: Yes.
George: She told you she doesn't like me!
Jerry: Yes.
George: What were her exact-
Jerry: "I don't like him."
George: Uh-Huh (gulp) Why didn't she like me?
Jerry: Not everybody likes everybody!
George: I tried to be nice. I wasn't nice?
Jerry: You were very nice!
George: I bent over backwards for that woman! Is it that thing I said about her sister?
Jerry: It has nothing to do with her sister.
George: I don't even know her sister but believe me, if she's getting traffic tickets, she's not that good-looking! Woah
[Setting: hall in Jerry's building]
George: You vomited in 1987.
Jerry: Oh no. That was the dry heaves.
Jerry: Jodi.
Jodi: Hey, Jerry.
George: Ha! Ha! Hey! (moving his arms like it's so great to be all here)
Jerry: What are you doing here?
Jodi: I was giving Kramer a massage.
Jerry: Kramer! (tries to hide he's upset and jealous)
Jodi: I got to run. I have an appointment downtown.
George: Here. Let me take your tabe downstairs for you.
Jodi: No that's O.K.
George: Please give it to me. I love to help people. This is what I do. Come on. I'm going this way. (he takes the table from Jodi's hands and she has no choice but to follow him)
Jerry: I'll see you tonight. (he's opening his door apartment as Kramer comes out of his in a bathrobe)
Kramer: Hey! I am looser than creamed corn!
Jerry: Who told you to get a massage from her. I haven't gotten a massage from her yet!
Kramer: You don't know what you're missing buddy.
[Setting: street in front of Jerry's building]
George: No one hails a cab like me. My hailing technique is unmatched. I get the wrist going from side to side and boom! Cabs are crashing into themselves to just pick me up. (a cab stops) All right, here we go. Let me get door. Feminists aside, I know women like the door holding. Here we are all righty. O.K. Jodi let's get together again real soon and say hello to your sister for me.
Jodi: You've never met. (the cab starts and George is following to keep talking to Jodi)
George: Whatever. Believe me, if I wasn't involved right now, I wouldn't mind being set up. Something tells me she's a knockout. (we see, from the camera inside the cab, George's hand waving as the cab drives away)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Kramer: (Kramer is talking much more slowly and smoother than usual) First she sets the mood perfectly with this new age music played over ocean sounds. Then she lays you out on this table, and she proceeds to rub oil over your entire body. And she rubs long... and deep... Jerry, she rubs with love. (Jerry is obviously cutting much harder than the cheese needs it as he listens to Kramer) Every muscles she touches just... (long pause) ooo-zz-es. Beneath those silky, soft fingers, you can scarcely contain yourself, buddy. (Jerry slams down the knife and goes to the couch)
Jerry: So you had a good time.
Kramer: Oh... yeah...
Jerry: Enjoyed yourself.
Kramer: Very... much...
Jerry: All right now you listen and you listen good! (he grabs Kramer's legs and throws him down the couch)
Kramer: What! (Kramer is back to his usual way of speaking)
Jerry: The massages are out!
Kramer: Wha-
Jerry: Ahh!!! They're out!
Kramer: Why?!
Jerry: Because if I can't get one, you're not getting one.
Kramer: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I need my massages! Can't you see I'm burned out!
Jerry: I'm sorry, Kramer. (he goes back to the kitchen)
Kramer: Why? Why? Look, I paid for her. (Jerry stops walking)
Jerry: Don't you ever talk about her like that!
Kramer: But why?
Jerry: That's final!!!
Kramer: Ah!!! Yahh!!!
[Setting: Giants Stadium]
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Giants stadium.
Elaine: Oh, you have photos in your wallet?
Joel: Yeah. Why? Is that weird?
Elaine: No, it's normal. You're very normal. You're totally normal. Who's this?
Joel: That's my mother.
Elaine: Oh yeah. I see the resemblance.
Joel: No, there's no resemblance.
Elaine: Yeah, there is, right here you see-
Joel: Elaine, I was adopted.
Elaine: (pause) Oh. That's nice.
Joel: Oh, the game's about to start. I wonder where your friend Kramer is.
[Setting: ticket counter]
Kramer: (to the ticket man) Uh, yeah, a ticket for Kramer.
Ticket Man: Here it is. I need some I.D.
Kramer: Oh, yeah. (snaps fingers) You know, I forgot my wallet.
Ticket Man: Well, I can't give it to you then.
Kramer: Are you kidding me?
Ticket Man: I'm afraid not.
Kramer: Come on, just look at me. Tell me I'm not Kramer.
Ticket Man: I'm sorry. I need proof.
Kramer: Look, I'll drive out here tomorrow and I'll show the I.D. I got nothing to do all day.
Ticket Man: Neither do I. But without I.D., I need confirmation from the person who left the ticket.
Kramer: Where's a phone?
[Setting: back to Elaine and Joel watching the game]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? Would Joel Rifkin report to the stadium office. Joel Rifkin...telephone. (the crowd stops cheering and we see a football player, Lawrence Taylor of the N.Y. Giants, distracted from the game while hearing the announcer saying Joel Rifkin)
Joel: Who would be calling me here? (he stands up and look around)
Elaine: (to the person in front of her) He's not the murderer.
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Kramer: Oh, God.
Jerry: What's the matter with you?
Kramer: Jerry, I need another massage!
Jerry: You just had one yesterday. What do you need another one for?
Kramer: Because of the Giant game! I told you, It went overtime! You know what those seats are like. They're very unforgiving.
Jerry: Oh please.
Kramer: And then the game-winning field goal went over the net and into the crowd and I dove over three rows! My back, it's killing me! (whining) It's killing me Jerry!
Jerry: Well, did you get the ball?
Kramer: Oh I got the ball.
Jerry: Well, I never even caught a foul ball at a baseball game.
Kramer: Well, It's quite a thrill.
Jerry: Why don't you get somebody else?
Kramer: Because nobody does it like she does. She's the best.
Jerry: Well, that's it! Tonight's the night. I'm getting one. No "if and's or but's".
Kramer: What about my massage?
Jerry: (whining like Kramer) Ask Newman.
[Setting: Monk's]
George: So I lugged that table. That big heavy massage table all the way down to the cab! You ever seen one of those things?
Karen: Of course.
George: No, I don't know. Maybe you haven't. You know, not everybody's seen a massage table.
Karen: What, do you think I've never had a massage before?
George: Anyway, I don't even get a thank you. I don't get it!
Karen: George, frankly, I'm getting a little tired of hearing about her.
George: I wanna know what I did to this woman.
Karen: What, you got a little thing for her?
George: No, No! She's going out with a friend of mine. It's only courteous that we should try and like each other.
Karen: What difference does it make? Who cares if she doesn't like you? Does everybody in the world have to like you?
George: Yes! Yes! Everybody has to like me. I must be liked!
[Setting: Elaine's apartment]
Elaine: Of course I support your decision to change your name.
Joel: After the Giant game I realized that this-this problem isn't going away.
Elaine: Well, listen, I just want you to know that I was more than willing to stick it out with Joel Rifkin.
Joel: Sure?
Elaine: (she fakes a strangling) RRR...
Joel: O.K. you got your list?
Elaine: Yeah. Yeah. 10 names.
Joel: Right.
Elaine: O.K. And if somebody objects, you can just veto it.
Joel: O.K.
Elaine: O.K. You start. What's your first choice?
Joel: Stuart.
Elaine: (right away) No. Second choice.
Joel: Stu-Stuart's no good?
Elaine: I have never met a normal guy named Stuart.
Joel: O-O.K. My second choice is... Todd.
Elaine: (repeating to hear how it sounds) Todd. (pause) No. Veto.
Joel: All right. Oh, hey, I think you're gonna like my first my third choice.
Elaine: Great...
Joel: Alex.
Elaine: I gotta tell ya, I have a bad association with the name Alex.
Joel: Bad bad association?
Elaine: Yeah, in college I sat next to an Alex in art history. And he was always drinking coffee and after every sip he would go "Ahh". I mean every two seconds "Ahh". And he would take like 40 sips and after everyone "Ahh". I had to drop the class.
[Setting: Jerry's place]
Jodi: Hey.
Jerry: Hi.
Jodi: Hi. (kiss) I was running late and I didn't have a chance to drop off my stuff before I came over.
Jerry: Ah, no problem. That's fine.
Jodi: What's with this music?
Jerry: That's new age music. Sounds of the forest. I find it soothing. Hey, look at this! What do you know? A massage table! This is great! (he starts to install the table)
Jodi: What are you doing?
Jerry: Just checking it out. Look at how this thing is made. Can I tell you something? That's a hell of a piece of equipment.
Jodi: Actually, I should get a new one.
Jerry: No, nonsense. This one's fine. (as he sits on the table)
Jodi: So, where do you wanna go? (as she puts her hand on his shoulder)
Jerry: Go? Why go anywhere? (as he places his hand over hers. She starts to massage his shoulders a little) Ahh, that feels good. Yeah. That's, uh... That's good. (he tries to go further. He grabs her hands over his shoulders and he lies down on the table on his chest) Yeah, that's nice. That's very nice.
Jodi: (she stops massaging) No. No, this isn't good. I can't do this.
Jerry: Why, what's wrong? (he grabs her hands and force her to keep them on his shoulders)
Jodi: I can't (she tries harder to pull her hands away)
Jerry: No. Yes you can. (he hangs on)
Jodi: No, I can't!
Jerry: Come on! I know it's something you wanna do! (she pulls harder and he falls right off the table)
[Setting: Karen's place]
George: You know what? I should really go talk to her. Nothing confrontational. Just two adults sitting down trying to clear the air. You know, I just know if I could spend some time alone with her. I've got to. (he grabs his jacket) I've got to.
Karen: You're going now?
George: I think I can still catch her.
Karen: All right George. I have had just about enough of this.
George: What? What are you talking about.
Karen: I am talking about you and Jodi. You're completely obsessed with her!
George: I know. I know.
Karen: Who is more important to you, her or me? I like you, she doesn't. Who are you gonna pick?
George: (he thinks a little about it... and as he puts his hand on his knee and gets up) I'm sorry Karen. I know I care for you, but I just can't stand when someone doesn't like me. (he opens the door)
Karen: Well, now I hate you!
George: That I'm used to. (he leaves)
[Setting: back to Elaine's place]
Joel: Ned?
Elaine: What is wrong with Ned?
Joel: Ned's a guy who buys irregular underwear. Next!
Elaine: Ellis.
Joel: Ellis?! You might as well go with Alex. It's the same thing!
Elaine: Ellis and Alex aren't even close.
Joel: NEXT!
Elaine: Ohh, what is the point?
Joel: NO, NO. COME ON!
Elaine: O.K. O.K. Remy.
Joel: Remy Rifkin? Should I get a beret?
Elaine: Oh, Stuart's a lot better! (talking like a baby) Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother.
Joel: Grrrr!
[Setting: back to Jerry's]
Jerry: What do you mean, no?
Jodi: No means no.
Jerry: Look, who are you kidding? You come up to my apartment with your table and your little oils, and I'm not supposed to expect anything? You're a massage teaser.
Jodi: Listen. I massage who I want, when I want. I don't submit to forcible massage. (he tries desperately to get her hands on his shoulders again but she pulls them away immediately) I'm getting out of here.
Jerry: Fine. Go.
George: Jerry, could you excuse us for a few minutes, please?
Jerry: What for?
George: We need to talk.
Jerry: You need to talk?
Jodi: We have nothing to talk about.
George: Look it's no secret what's going on between us. (to Jerry) She doesn't like me. Now Jerry if you don't mind.
Jerry: George, anything you have to say to her, you can say in front of me.
George: (he makes a sign to Jodi to wait and turns to Jerry) Jerry... This woman hates me so much. I'm starting to like her.
Jerry: What?
George: She just dislikes me so much... It's irresistable.
Jerry: I can see that.
Jodi: I'm getting out of here. (to Jerry) Don't call me.
Jerry: Don't worry. (she leaves)
George: A woman that hates me this much comes along once in a lifetime.
Jerry: You're a lucky guy.
George: I got to go after her.
Jerry: George. I wouldn't push for the massage. (George nods)
George: JODI! (he starts running after her)
Jerry: The swedish are very big massagers. You know? They like the swedish meatballs, swedish massage. They like having meat in their hands these people, for some reason. But it's weird because they have the highest suicide rate, they're rubbing each other's necks all the time for a neutral country they seem kinda tense. I don't really like the idea of getting a professional massage. I don't want people touching me that don't know me and don't want to have sex with me. You know what are you bothering me for? You get me all loosened up, juices flowing, and then that's it ok, you're done. It's like having chocolate rubbed all over your face, you know you wanna go "Excuse me, I think you missed a spot."


Jerry: You can always tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to just freeze that clothing style and just ride it out to the end, don't they? And it's not like they don't continue shopping, it's just they somehow manage to find new old clothes. Every father is like this fashion time capsule, you know what I mean. It's like they should be on a pedestal, with someone next to 'em going 'This was nineteen sixty-five'. To me the worst thing is shopping for pants. I hate dressing and undressing in that little room. What men need is a place to shop where you go in, you check your pants at the door, and you just walk around the store in your underwear. That would be the best way. Then you'd really have to lie to the salesman. 'Need some help?' 'No, just getting some air.'
Jerry: How would you describe the smell in this house?
Elaine: (sniffing) Dandruff?
Jerry: Yeah, that's part of it. (sniffs) Kasha?
Elaine: There's some kasha.
Jerry: Yeah. Dandruff, kasha, mothballs, cheap carpeting. It's pot pourri, really.
Elaine: Alright, let's go, come on.
George: Wha... you're going?
Elaine: Yeah. You know we shouldn't have bowled that last game, I'm gonna be late.
Kramer: Egh. These aren't candies.
George: Wha? Did you use those? These are guest soaps! (he grabs the soaps and begins examining them for damage)
Kramer: Well I'm a guest.
George: Now my parents are gonna know I had people over.
Jerry: You're not allowed to have people over?
George: I can't have any parties while they're out of town. (he leaves to return the soaps)
Kramer: What, this is a party?
Elaine: Not any more. Come on, get your ball, we're leaving. Let's go, let's go.
George: (yells) Wow! Who put this cup right on the new table!
Jerry: (picks it up) I was having coffee, I put it on the coffee table.
George: But you didn't use a coaster, Jerry, you left a stain! (he runs to kitchen)
Kramer: Whoah boy. There's always one at every party, huh?
Elaine: (impatient) Come on!
Jerry: What's the big rush?
Elaine: I'm having people over.
Jerry: Who?
Elaine: The girls for poker night. You know, Joanne, Renee, Winona...
Jerry: Eh, eh, ah. Winona's gonna be there?
Elaine: Yeah. And she broke up with the vitamin guy.
Jerry: (interested) Really?
Elaine: I'll put in a good word for you.
Jerry: Thanks, because I would really like... (distractedly puts coffee cup back on the table)
George: (screaming) Aaahh!!
Jerry: Alright, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. (picks it up again)
George: But Jerry, this is not coming out!
Jerry: Just put a coffee table book over it.
George: My parents don't read! They're gonna wonder what a book is doing on the table!
Kramer: Hey, hey, hey, hey. You know what would make a great coffee table book? A coffee table book about coffee tables! Get it?
Elaine: Got it! C'mon, let's go, let's go. Bye George.
George: Wait, wait wait, not so fast. Jerry, you gotta take me to get this thing refinished.
Elaine: Now?!
George: Yes, now. It's gonna take a few days and my parents are gonna be back. I gotta have it back before them!
Elaine: Jerry, you promised you'd get me home by seven.
Kramer: Alright, we'll take the subway.
Jerry: There you go. That'll get you home in time.
Elaine: Oh! The subway? From Queens?
George: Alright, Jerry, I'm gonna get my coat.
Jerry: I'm sorry Elaine, I'll make it up to you.
Elaine: I need something to read on the subway.
Jerry: (handing her a magazine) Here, read this.
Elaine: (looks at it) TV Guide?
Kramer: Like a history of coffee tables, celebrities and their coffee tables. It's a natural. This is a story that must be told.
Elaine: (engrossed in magazine) Hmm-mmm.
Kramer: So, you're gonna talk to your boss about it, huh?
Elaine: (still paying no attention) Hmm-mmm. First thing in the morning.
Kramer: (claps hands) Yes indeed.
Tannoy (V.O.): Next stop, Queensboro Plaza.
Kramer: Oh, Queensboro Plaza. (reties his shoelaces) This stop is famous for its gyros, you want one?
Elaine: How are you gonna get something and get back on the train in time?
Kramer: Well, they got a stand right out on the platform. Gyros are cooked, and wrapped, and ready to go. (he pulls money from his pocket) Three dollars, no change. You want one?
Elaine: (laughing) No thanks.
Kramer: Alright, but no bites.
Ricky: Highlighter?
Elaine: Excuse me?
Ricky: To highlight the programmes you plan to watch.
Elaine: Ah. Uh, look really (looks about to try and avoid contact) I'm just trying to read.
Ricky: Fine, okay. It's just, I've never seen a beautiful lady reading 'the Guide' so far away from a TV. You must really like television.
Kramer: (yells) Elaine!
Ricky: Guess your boyfriend'll have to catch the next train.
Elaine: He's not my boyfriend.
Ricky: He's not? (thoughtful) Interesting.
Jerry: Hey, maybe I should get Elaine something.
George: Why?
Jerry: Ah, you know, I didn't drive her home. Plus, I give her a gift in front of Winona, how does that hurt me?
George: Can't hurt you.
Jerry: What about, what about this thing?
George: The Indian?
Jerry: Yeah. You know, kind of a peace offering. Cute.
Gepetto: Well, I can have the table ready for you on Monday.
George: Alright, but no later, because my parents are coming back.
Gepetto: They left you home alone, huh?
Ricky: Oh, 'kay, see. On this particular Tuesday (he swaps seats and sits beside Elaine) you could've watched six hours of Lucy. There's I Love Lucy, The Lucy Show, Here's Lucy.
Elaine: Oh, (nervous laugh) my stop. (making her escape) Bye-bye.
Ricky: (after Elaine) Hey miss! (waving TV Guide) You forgot this!
Gepetto: They don't make these any more. The work is, is all done by hand. (Sylvia enters the store behind him) Takes years, and years, and... (notices) Sylvia! For crying out, you're forty-five minutes late!
Sylvia: Yeah, yeah. (to George, smiling) Is that your car out there?
George: No, it's, it's his. (indicates Jerry)
Sylvia: Oh, nice. You guys are obviously from Manhattan.
George: Well, he is. I, uh, I live around the corner.
Sylvia: Really? Ah, I didn't think any cool guys lived in this neighborhood.
George: (sensing his chance) Well, they do now. Neighborhood's changing.
Jerry: Alright, I'll take it.
Gepetto: Smart choice.
Sylvia: Wow, you bought the Indian? Oh, you guys have great taste.
George: Well, we're collectors. We, uh, see objects of great beauty and, uh, we must have them.
Elaine: Knocked you out Jack. Pair of deuces
The Girls: (disappointed) Oh/Aah.
Elaine: (triumphant) Ha, ha, ha ha!
Elaine: Who is it?
Jerry (O.C.): It's Jerry.
Elaine: Jerry!
Jerry: Surprise! (he carries in the object)
Elaine: What is this?
Jerry: Well, I felt bad about this afternoon, so I got you something.
Elaine: Oh, you did? (to girls) Oh, do you guys all know Jerry?
The Girls: Hi Jerry/Hello. (etc)
Jerry: Hi. Hi Winona. Nice to see you again.
Girl (Not Winona): Elaine, is it your birthday?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: I don't need a reason to give gifts, it's my nature. I love to make people happy.
The Girls: Aww/That's so sweet. (general murmur of approval)
Jerry: Are you ready?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: (whips off bag to reveal Indian) Ta-da!
Jerry: It's a cigar store Indian. (to Elaine) Read the card.
Elaine: (examines card; embarrassed) That's very nice. Thank you very much.
Jerry: Read it out loud.
Elaine: I, I don't think so.
Jerry: (takes the card from Elaine) We had a little fight this afternoon. (reading from card) Let's bury the hatchet. We smoke um peace pipe.
Winona: (gathering her stuff) Hey, you know, it's late. I really should go.
Elaine: I, uh, I don't blame you Winona. I, uh...
Jerry: Hey-yah, ho-ah, hey-yah, ho-ah.
Elaine: Are you out of your mind?!
Jerry: ...ho-ah. It's, it's, it's kitschy.
Elaine: Winona is a Native American.
Jerry: She is?
Sylvia: You got very unusual taste.
George: (proffering glasses) I hope prune juice is alright. It's the only thing I had that was chilled.
Sylvia: Fine.
George: I'm sorry about that lock on the liquor cabinet. The combination musta just flown outta my head. It's a mental block.
Sylvia: (regarding photo) Ahh! Is this your son in the bubble bath?
George: (bashful) No, that's me.
Sylvia: Oh. You don't see many guys your age who keep baby pictures of themselves around. (laughs) I like it. Consistent with the rest of the house.
George: Yes, it is consistent. I've, uh, I've tried to maintain a consistent feel throughout the house.
Sylvia: What is this we're listening to?
George: The Ray Conniff Singers. (nervous chuckle)
Sylvia: Mmmm, what's that smell? Kasha?
George: It's a pot pourri. May I, uh, may I show you the master bedroom? (they leave together)
Winona (O.C.): Who is it?
Jerry: Uh, Winona, it's Jerry Seinfeld.
Winona: (unimpressed) Yeah?
Jerry: Uhm, listen, I really felt bad about what happened, and I, I, I'd really like to apologise. Can I come up?
Winona: I'll come down.
Kramer: I came by to get my ball.
Elaine: It's right over there.
Kramer: Oh, yeah, thanks. (gets ball) Yeah, it's got the magic grip. How d'you think I bowled that two-twenty today, huh? (sees Indian) Yo! Where did this come from?
Elaine: You want it?
Kramer: (unbelieving) I can have this?!
Elaine: Yuh! You wanna lug it uptown, it's yours.
Kramer: Oh. I'll lug.
Winona: It's just that it's a very sensitive issue for me.
Jerry: And well it should be. I think if you spent any time with me at all, you'd see I'm very sensitive to these matters as well. You wouldn't be hungry by any chance, wouldya?
Winona: (smiling) I guess I could go for a bite.
Jerry: You like Chinese food, 'cos I once went to a great Szechwan restaurant in this neighbourhood. I don't remember the exact address... (he spots a mailman crouched emptying a box) Uh, excuse me, you must know where the Chinese restaurant is around here.
Mailman: Why must I know? Because I'm Chinese? You think I know where all the Chinese restaurants are? (adopts hackneyed Chinese accent) Oh, ask honorable Chinaman for location of restaurant.
Jerry: I asked because you were the mailman, you would know the neighbourhood.
Mailman: Oh, hello American Joe. Which way to hamburger, hotdog stand? (storms away)
Jerry: I didn't know that...
Winona: You know, it's late. I should probably just go home.
Jerry: I, I had no idea.
Kramer: (yells) Hey Jerry! (thumps cab door with his palm) Look what I got! (begins doing war-whoops)
George: Looks pretty good.
Jerry: Yeah, did a good job.
George: Yeah. I don't think they'll be able to tell.
Jerry: You know, I don't get it. Not allowed to ask a Chinese person where the Chinese restaurant is! I mean, aren't we all getting a little too sensitive? I mean, someone asks me which way is Israel, I don't fly off the handle.
George: So, anyway, what's uh, what's the status with, uh...
Jerry: Ah, she kinda calmed down. I talked to her today. In fact I'm gonna see her tonight.
George: Oh, great.
Jerry: Yeah, but I'm a little uncomfortable. I'm afraid of making another mistake.
George: Aw c'mon.
Estelle: Hello, hello!
George: (insincerely) Ahh, hey you're home. Hi.
Estelle: Oh, the house looks very nice.
George: Yeah, huh.
Frank: Where's the mail?
Estelle: Hello Jerry.
Jerry: Hello.
George: So, how was the trip?
Estelle: Ah, your father...
Frank: Is there anything wrong with getting a receipt at a toll booth?
Estelle: I'm going upstairs. (she leaves for the bedroom)
Frank: (examining mail) This stack should be bigger, where's the TV Guide?
George: What TV Guide?
Frank: I'm missing TV Guide volume forty-one, number thirty-one.
Jerry: Uh, Elaine took it to read on the subway.
Frank: Elaine took it?
George: I didn't know she took it!
Jerry: Wa, it's two weeks old.
Frank: (shouting) How could you let her take the TV Guide?!
George: (to Jerry) He collects them.
Jerry: You collect TV Guide?
Frank: The nerve of that woman. Walking into my house, stealing my collectible!
Estelle: (screaming) Oh my God! (she enters holding a small packet) This was in our bed.
Frank: (taking the packet) What is this? (accusingly to George) A prophylactic wrapper?!
Estelle: What is this doing on my bed?!
George: I don't know, uh...
Jerry: I'll see you later. (he leaves with unseemly haste)
Frank: You were having sex on our bed?!
George: Yes!
Estelle: Who told you, you could have sex in our bed?
George: (pleading) Well, my bed is too small.
Frank: Your bed is too small? I'm gone two weeks and you turn our house into, into Bourbon Street!
Estelle: Where am I going to sleep?
George: What are you talking about?
Estelle: I can't sleep in there!
George: Of course you can.
Estelle: I can't! (screams) I can't!
Frank: That's it! You're grounded!
George: (incredulous) You can't ground me, I'm a grown man.
Frank: You wanna live here? You respect the rules of our house. (yells) You're grounded!
Winona: So, where are we gonna go eat?
Jerry: I thought we'd eat at the Gentle Harvest.
Winona: Ooh, I love that place, but it's usually so crowded. Can we get a table?
Jerry: Ah, don't worry. I made reser... (catches himself)
Winona: You made what?
Jerry: I uh, I uh, I arranged for the appropriate accommodations. And then, Knick tickets, floor seats.
Winona: How did you get these?
Jerry: Got 'em on the street, from a scal... (catches himself again)
Winona: From who?
Jerry: A uh, one of those guys.
Winona: What guys?
Jerry: You know, the guys, that uh, they sell the tickets for the sold-out events.
Winona: Oh.
Jerry: Wait a second, you got the Mark McEwan TV Guide.
Winona: That's Al Roker.
Jerry: Oh well, they're both chubby weathermen. I get Dom Deluise and Paul Prudhoe mixed up too. Could I have this?
Winona: Sure, take it.
Jerry: Thanks.
Jerry: So, Winona had the TV Guide. Told you I'd make it up to you.
Elaine: Aah, so Mr Costanza was pretty mad, huh?
Jerry: Yeah. You almost ruined his life's work.
Elaine: He collects (holds up magazine) these?
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: Wow! Alright, well I will personally go out to Queens and deliver his Al Roker TV Guide to him.
Jerry: What'ya do with the one you took?
Elaine: I dunno.
Elaine: Hi.
Kramer: Yeah uh, Elaine uh, what'd he say?
Elaine: What did who say?
Kramer: Your boss. Didn't you tell him about the coffee table book?
Elaine: Uhmm...
Kramer: Yeah, you didn't tell him didya?
Elaine: Kramer, it is such a dumb idea. I would be (raising her voice as Kramer speaks his line) totally embarrassed to bring it...
Kramer: (simultaneous) Wait a minute, on the cover I'm...
Elaine: I would be embarrassed to bring it up.
Jerry: I thought it was a pretty good idea. It's about coffee tables, it's on a coffee table.
Kramer: Yeah, right, right, and on the cover is a built-in coaster. (clicks tongue) Alright, well I'm gonna go.
Jerry: Where you going?
Kramer: Well, I'm gonna go to the cigar stores. I'm gonna see if I can sell that Indian.
Jerry: My Indian?
Kramer: You know, I think it's worth something. It's kitschy. (tongue click)
Frank: How do you just walk into a house and take a TV Guide? How does she expect you to watch TV? (doorbell rings) Am I just supposed to turn it on and wander aimlessly around the dial?
Ricky: Hello. Is Elaine home?
Estelle: Elaine Benes? Oh, she's my son's friend.
Frank: (shouting) And she's not welcome in this house!
Ricky: (entering) Oh, 'cos I made her this very special gift. 'Kay, it's a bouquet of paper from her TV Guide.
Frank: (yelling) That's my TV Guide! Ripped to shreds! She gave that to you?!
Ricky: (seeing TV) Hey, is that the Twilight Zone you're watching?
George: Yeah.
Ricky: Oh, this is a good one.
Tannoy (V.O.): Next stop, Queensboro Plaza.
Elaine (V.O.): Mmm, gyro.
Winona: I like your place. It's very unassuming.
Jerry: Well, why would I assume. I never assume. Leads to assumptions.
Winona: (laughs) Oh, by the way. That TV Guide I gave you, I need it back.
Jerry: Why?
Winona: Well, I'm doing a report on minorities in the media, and I wanted to use that interview with Al Roker.
Jerry: Well, it's too late. I gave it to Elaine, and she's already on her way to give it to George's father.
Winona: Jerry, I really need it back. It, it is mine.
Jerry: You can't give something and then take it back. I mean, what are you... (catches himself)
Winona: What?
Jerry: A uh, a person that uh...
Winona: A person that what?
Jerry: Well, a person that gives something and then they're dissatisfied and they wish they had, had never uh...
Winona: And?
Jerry: ...give, given it to the person that they originally gave it to.
Winona: You mean like, an Indian giver?!
Jerry: I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with that term.
Ricky: I like the special fall preview issues the best.
Frank: Those. I've been saving those from the beginning.
Ricky: These are worth like, a lot of money.
Estelle: Oh, hello Elaine!
Elaine: Hello. (she enters)
Ricky: (jumping to his feet) Elaine! Hello! You look scrumptious.
Frank: Why'd you take my TV Guide?
Elaine: (placatory) I'm so sorry about that Mr Costanza, but look. Look, I brought you another one. (hands it over)
Ricky: I made this for you.
Elaine: (accepts reluctantly) Oh, thank you.
Frank: (examining magazine) What is this? You got stains all over it! What the hell'd you do?
Ricky: Hey, you can't talk to her like that.
Frank: (yelling) I'll talk to her any way I want!
Ricky: Come on Elaine, let's go.
Estelle: My coffee table!
Kramer: I don't understand. How can you have a cigar store, without an Indian? It's unseemly.
Spike: I'll give you a box of Coronas for it.
Kramer: Forget it.
Lippman: Uh, excuse me. Are you uh, selling this Indian?
Kramer: Oh yeah, yeah.
Lippman: Uh, I'm just uh, redecorating my office in a south-western motif and this'd be perfect. Give you five hundred dollars for it?
Kramer: Giddyup.
Lippman: Yeah? Could you help me bring it up to my office, I'm right next door. Pendant Publishing.
Kramer: Pendant Publishing? Giddyup again.
Elaine: Mr Lippman. I'm sorry, I was in Queens uh... (sees Kramer) Kramer!
Kramer: Yeah, hi Elaine.
Elaine: What are you doing in here with that?
Kramer: Ah, well, it's a business transaction.
Lippman: (entering, smoking a cigar and with a handful of cash) Listen uh, petty cash just had tens and twenties. (hands cash to Kramer) Go ahead, count it.
Kramer: Yeah, I'm sure it's all here. (puts in in his pocket) You know I was just admiring your coffee table, out there in the hall.
Lippman: You like that, huh? I had that custom made for me in Santa Fe.
Kramer: You mind if I use it in my book?
Lippman: What book?
Kramer: Well, I'm doing a coffee table book on coffee tables.
Lippman: About coffee tables?
Kramer: Uh huh.
Lippman: That's fantastic. (Elaine looks gobsmacked) Who's your publisher?
Kramer: Well, I'm still shopping it around.
Lippman: Yeah? (to Elaine) You see, this is the kind of idea you should be coming in with. What the hell do you do round here all day anyway?
Elaine: Well I (indistinct) ...manuscript that I...
Lippman: (ignoring Elaine) God, that Indian really completes the room. Don't you think?
Sylvia: I know this coffee table, it's George Costanza's.
Estelle: It's mine. I'm his mother.
Sylvia: Oh, I haven't seen George for a while. He must be working very hard.
Estelle: George doesn't work. He's a bum. That's why he lives at home with us.
Sylvia: He does?
Jerry: I don't know why we didn't think of this before. We just could call TV Guide.
Elaine: I dunno.
Jerry: Well, it's gonna make Mr Costanza very happy. (he hands the magazine to Elaine)
Elaine: I guess.
Jerry: What's the matter?
Elaine: What d'you think is the matter? I've been assigned to work on Kramer's coffee table book.
Jerry: It is a good idea, Elaine.
Tannoy (V.O.): Next stop, Queensboro Plaza.
Jerry: You want a gyro?
Elaine: I don't think so.
[Subway Train: moments later]
Jerry: Elaine!
Al Roker: Guess your boyfriend's gonna have to catch the next train.
Elaine: He's not my boyfriend.
Al Roker: He's not? Interesting. (gives a big grin)
Jerry: I was always excited as a kid, when that new TV Guide would come. Somehow when that front cover's nice and flat, seems like there's good fresh TV shows in. Then, as the weeks go by you start to hate the TV Guide. All the shows stink. Everything's getting all crumpled and ripped from being sat on, thrown across the room. TV Guide is always thrown, never handed, to another person. It's the world's most thrown reading material. 'Where's TV Guide?' (mimes throwing) 'There it is.' You know in the back of the TV Guide, they have a phone number, ninety-five cents a minute, they will give you the answers to the TV Guide crossword puzzle? My question is, if you can't do the TV Guide crossword puzzle, where are you coming across ninety-five cents?


Jerry: You know doctor is supposed to be such a prestigious occupation. But its really like one of the only jobs where you have to have your diploma right up there on the wall. It makes them seem so insecure, doesnt it? "I really am a doctor you know. You think Im not, just check it out." I dont know why they need these little bits of psychological leverage over us all the time. "Go in that little room, take your pants off, wait 15 minutes, and Ill give you my opinion." After that, anyone that comes in with pants on seems like they know what they're talking about. In any difference of opinion, pants always beats no-pants.
George: Can I say one word to you? Lobster. The lobster here is unbelievable. (looks at the menu) Ooh, a little expensive.
Sasha: Twenty five dollars.
George: Yes, well, you know, Im not thinking about the price. You know you're the only woman Ive never thought about the price. Get the lobster. I beg you to get the lobster. Go for the lobster.
Sasha: George, George, uh, I think we have to talk. I think we have a problem.
George: We do?
Sasha: We cant keep seeing each other.
George: Why?
Sasha: (crying) Because its over. (sob, sob, sob) Its my parents George, the differences in our religion. Oh George, can you ever forgive me? (sob)
Waiter: Uh, have you decided yet?
Sasha: (crying) Yes. Ill have the lobster.
George: Um, you know Im starting to think that maybe lobster isn't the way to go.
Jerry: Then he asked you out?
Elaine: We started to talk, and I told him that I jog, and then he put his hand on my heart.
Jerry: On your heart?
Elaine: Jerry, the man is a doctor.
Jerry: Doctor? Hes a podiatrist.
Elaine: So, its the same thing.
Jerry: Anyone can get into podiatry school. George got into podiatry school.
Elaine: Really?
Tawni: Hello.
Jerry: Oh hi.
Tawni: Are you going to be stopping by later?
Jerry: Yes, Ill be stopping.
Tawni: Ok, see you later.
Jerry: See you later. (to Elaine) Well we cant all be dating podiatrists. (Elaine laughs)
George: Its over.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: How did you get in?
George: Kramer.
Elaine: Whats that? (points at some foil on the table)
George: Lobster.
Jerry: Looks like a swan.
George: She says we cant go out anymore.
Elaine: Why?
George: Because Im not Latvian Orthodox. Her parents wont let her get involved with anyone who isn't Latvian Orthodox.
Elaine: Latvian Orthodox? (gasps) Mmm, it is lobster.
Jerry: Shes limiting herself to Latvian Orthodox? Too bad.
George: I know. This was the only woman I never lied to. Well that's not entirely true.
Jerry: Oh, whatever.
Elaine: Mmm, this is delicious.
Jerry: Mmm, succulent.
George: She knew I didnt have a job, she knew I lived at home. Didnt seem to bother her. I think I could have married this woman.
Elaine: Why dont you just ask her parents?
George: I cant. I met them. They're devout. You know, in the cab on the way over here, I actually thought about converting.
Jerry: To Latvian Orthodox?
George: Why not? What do I care?
Jerry: You know its not like changing toothpaste.
Elaine: I think it would be romantic.
George: Really?
Elaine: Yeah, its like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne and marrying Mrs. Simpson. Ooh.
George: King Edward. (snapping his fingers) King Edward, Jerry.
Jerry: Yeah well King Edward didnt live in Queens with Frank and Estelle Costanza.
George: You know what? I could probably do this. Whats the difference.
Elaine: George I was just kidding around.
George: No. I wouldnt even have to tell her. I could surprise her.
Elaine: George I wasnt serious.
George: How hard could it be? You make a little contribution, you have a ceremony. I am going to think about this. I am really going to think about this.
Elaine: I guess this one is my fault.
Jerry: Oh yeah.
Tawni: (kiss, kiss, kiss) Oh that was nice. Have you always been such a good kisser?
Jerry: Oh I dont know. Not always. No I uh I had to work at it. When I was a kid all the kids would be out playing, I would be up in my room practicing my kissing.
Tawni: Well it was worth it. (kiss) Ill be (kiss) right (kiss) back (kiss). Where are you going?
Jerry: To wash my hands. They're sticky from the orange.
Tawni: Meet you back here?
Jerry: Right there.
Jerry: (thinking to himself; picks up a tube) "Fungicide". Fungus?
Jerry: Fungicide. I mean what could she have?
Elaine: I dont know.
Kramer: Fungus.
Jerry: Exactly
Elaine: So what did you say?
Jerry: I said I was coming down with the flu or something and I had to go home.
Elaine: I don't know, what were you doing opening her medicine cabinet?
Jerry: I didnt open it. It was open. I just nudged it a little.
Elaine: You were snooping.
Jerry: I was not snooping. I did not break the seal. There was no breaking and entering. I wouldnt do that.
Kramer: I would. I always open medicine cabinets.
Elaine: Well I trust people not to do that.
Kramer: Big mistake.
Jerry: Why dont you ask that doctor what it is?
Elaine: What? Now hes a doctor? Before he was a podiatrist.
Jerry: But that's what podiatrists do. They deal in fungus. They're knee- deep in fungus. This guy knows fungus.
Elaine: I am not going to ask him about funguses.
Kramer: Fungi.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Fungi.
Father-Priest: Why do you want to accept the Latvian Orthodox faith?
George: (ahem) In this age of uncertainty and confusion, a man begins to ask himself certain questions. How can one even begin to put into words something so um (trying to think of a word)
Father-Priest: Enigmatic?
George: No.
Father-Priest: Vast? (he pronounces it as "vost")
George: No not vast (he pronounces it as "vost")
Father-Priest: Well whatever it is, basically you like the religion.
George: Yes.
Father-Priest 2: Is there one aspect of the faith that you find particularly attractive?
George: (he thinks) I think the hats. The hat conveys that solemn religious look you want in a faith. Very pious.
Father-Priest: Are you familiar with Orthodox theology?
George: Well perhaps, not to the extent that you are. But I know the basic plot. Yeah.
Father-Priest: Plot?
George: Yes. You know the uh flood, and the uh lepers, and the commandments and all that.
Father-Priest 2: Well its obvious that you are sincere in your desire.
George: Oh yes I am Father. Incredibly sincere. So, uh, pffft, am I in?
Father-Priest: The first step would be to familiarize yourself with these texts (brings out a pile of books).
George: Ah hah. You see Father, Im Im incredibly anxious to become a member. Um, dont you offer any kind of an express conversion? A quick change?
Sister Roberta: Oh Im sorry. Father, theres a man waiting in the chapel.
Father-Priest: You may attend to it Sister, oh this is George Costanza. He is interested in joining the church.
Sister Roberta: Oh are you? That's wonderful. Well good luck to you.
George: Nice nun.
Father-Priest: No, Sister Roberta is not a nun. She is what we call a novice.
Father-Priest 2: She wont be taking her final vows until next Thursday.
Sister Roberta: May I help you?
Kramer: Oh yeah, Im here to pick up my friend George Costanza.
Sister Roberta: Well hes in with the Father.
Kramer: Oh yeah.
Sister Roberta: Im Sister Roberta.
Kramer: Oh. Kramer. Pleasure.
Sister Roberta: Mine. (she smiles at Kramer)
George: I cant believe how easy it is. Im virtually Orthodox. All I have to do is read a few books, memorize a few prayers, and Im in the club.
Jerry: That's all there is to it.
George: That's all there is to it. By Christmas day I will be Brother Costanza.
Jerry: And when is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza?
George: Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.
Jerry: Oh a slinky.
Kramer: Sister Roberta gave it to me.
Jerry: Why did she give you that?
Kramer: I think she liked me.
Jerry: What do you mean she liked you?
Kramer: Liked me.
George: Kramer, they like everybody. They're friendly people.
Kramer: No. I think I picked up on a vibe.
Jerry: You picked up on a vibe, from a nun.
Kramer: Yeah, Jerry Im telling you I have this power. And I have no control over it.
Jerry: Yea alright.
Kramer: Oh, that's my phone.
Jerry: Oh hi.
Tawni: Hi, I just wanted to stop by and see how you were feeling.
Jerry: (weakly) A little better. (fake cough)
Tawni: If you need anything let me know.
Jerry: Okay.
Tawni: Okay.
Jerry: All right.
Tawni: Bye.
Jerry: Bye.
George: Story.
Jerry: Shes subletting Carols place for a month.
George: Yea, she likes you.
Jerry: Yeah but theres a problem. I found a tube of a fungicide in her medicine cabinet.
George: So?
Jerry: So I dont know what shes using it for.
George: Well how do you even know its hers? Maybe it belonged to Carol. Did you see a name on the tube?
Jerry: I didnt even think to look.
George: Well take a look. It might not even belong to her.
Jerry: Yeah.
George: People always leave old things in their medicine cabinet.
Jerry: Yeah Ive got this old bottle of cough medicine.
George: I still have brill cream.
Jerry: Hi
Tawni: Hi.
Jerry: Hi. Can I use your bathroom?
Elaine: You sure you dont mind?
Doctor: No of course not. People ask me medical questions all the time.
Elaine: Well I mean the question isn't even for me its for a friend.
Doctor: Elaine, Im used to it. Im a doctor.
Elaine: Well podiatrist.
Doctor: Huh?
Elaine: No no, Im just saying you didnt really go to medical school, you went to podiatry school. Which Im sure is very grueling in its own way.
Doctor: I went to podiatry school because I like feet. I chose to work with feet.
Elaine: I like feet too. Im just saying
Doctor: Saying what?
Tawni: How are you doing in there?
Jerry: Fine all done, just looking for the soap.
Tawni: No soap?
Jerry: No I dont see it.
Tawni: (giving Jerry the soap) Here you go.
Estelle: George what are you doing in there?
George: What? Nothing.
Frank: You've been in there an hour.
Estelle: You dont feel well?
George: Im fine.
Estelle: I want to know what you're doing in there.
George: Nothing.
Frank: George, open the door.
George: No.
Estelle: Georgie.
George: No!
Kramer: Hey.
Sister Roberta: Good evening. I hope Im not disturbing you, but I found another toy I thought you might like.
Jerry: Okay, Latvius was the son of which apostle? And Ill need that in the form of a question.
George: I dont know. I cant believe they're making me take this test.
Jerry: Hey, did you talk to the doctor?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: All right, the next time you see him show him this. (He presents the bottle of fungicide.)
Elaine: You took her medicine.
Jerry: Not on purpose. I was hoping there would be a name on the tube. When are you seeing him again?
Elaine: I dont know. We got into this whole thing about how podiatrists arent real doctors.
Jerry: How could you say that?
Elaine: Its you fault. You just got me thinking.
Jerry: I was merely speaking extemporaneously.
Elaine: Ive got nothing against the foot. Im pro-foot.
Jerry: Me too.
Elaine: Do you think I should call him and apologize?
Jerry: Yes. Hes a doctor. (Elaine starts to leave. ) Wait a second. (Jerry puts the bottle of fungicide in Elaines purse.) (to George) What are you doing?
George: What does it look like Im doing?
Jerry: (Reading words George wrote on his hand) "Matthew, Luke, Paul", what you're cheating on your conversion chest?
Kramer: I told you.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: I told you she liked me.
Jerry: Who?
Kramer: Sister Roberta.
Jerry: How do you know?
Kramer: She told me. She said shes never had a man stir up all of these feelings inside of her. Shes questioning her faith. Shes thinking of leaving the church.
Jerry: Wow
Kramer: Oh, uh, this power. Im dangerous Jerry, Im very very dangerous.
Father-Priest: I must say George, I was somewhat surprised at the results of your conversion test. I dont recall having seen such an impressive performance. You truly must be filled with the spirit of the Lord.
George: Oh, Im Im full of it Father.
Father-Priest 2: (muttering something to Father-Priest 1) (mumble) Kramer (mumble)
Father-Priest: Yes, yes I see. (To George) Im sorry something has come up.
George: Oh, I understand. (George exits; Sees Kramer in the hallway) Hey.
Kramer: (rushed) Yea, Hey. (Kramer enters.) Um, you wanted to see me Father?
Father-Priest: Yes. Please, sit down. Sister Roberta came to see me yesterday.
Kramer: I know what this is about Father. I didnt do anything. I just spoke to her innocently for just a few minutes. Its just that, that I have this power.
Father-Priest: Yes. Kavorka.
Kramer: Kavorka?
Father-Priest: It is a Latvian word which means "the lure of the animal".
Kramer: I dont understand.
Father-Priest: Women are drawn to you. They would give anything to be possessed by you.
Kramer: Help me Father. Help me.
Father-Priest: Yes, yes I will help you. Listen very carefully. I want you to buy ten cloves of garlic, three quarts of vinegar, six ounces
Jerry: What is that stench? I got it. (He follows the smell to Kramers door) Ah hah.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey. What are you doing?
Kramer: Ive got the Kavorka Jerry.
Jerry: The Kavorka? Whats that?
Kramer: The lure of the animal. Im dangerous.
Jerry: What is this thing around your neck?
Kramer: The priests they're helping me. I just bathed in vinegar.
Jerry: You know you're funcifying the whole building.
Kramer: Keep away Jerry. Keep away.
Jerry: Kramer. (knock, knock, knock) Kramer.
[At The Entrance Of The Church. There Is A Sign There. It Reads: CONVERSION CEREMONY - FOR - GEORGE COSTANZA - 3P.M. The sign is on a black background with white stick-on letters.]
Woman: George Costanza? Estelles son?
Estelle: Latvian Orthodox? Why are you doing this?
George: For a woman.
Frank: A woman? What are you out of your mind?
Estelle: Why cant you do anything like a normal person?
Frank: Wait. Is this the group that goes around mutilating squirrels?
George: No its a regular religion.
Frank: Im calling my lawyer. It might not be too late to get out of this.
George: I dont want to get out of it.
Estelle: Bu George, you dont know what you're saying. You're under their control.
Frank: What, they brainwashed you?
George: No no.
Frank: You're not performing any rituals in this house.
Estelle: Go back to the psychiatrist. I beg you.
Frank: And stay away from those squirrels.
Tawni: Oh how you doing Jerry?
Jerry: Good. Whats the matter?
Tawni: Im tired. I hardly slept last night with all this scratching. Bonkers was going crazy.
Jerry: Bonkers?
Tawni: My cat. Hes got this weird sort of skin condition. Some type of fungus, I couldn't find his medicine.
Jerry: Oh its your cat!
Tawni: What?
Jerry: Ooh, nothing.
Father-Priest: Are you ready my son?
George: Yes faddah.
Father-Priest: What did you say?
George: What?
Father-Priest: I thought you said faddah.
George: I said faddah, I meant Father. Just a little bit nervous.
Father-Priest: Ooh, of course.
Kramer: How you doing?
Woman: Get away from me you creep. (She walks away.)
Kramer: Yes, Yes. It worked. Sister Roberta Ive still got time to catch her.
Father-Priest: Congratulations George. Welcome to the faith. Sister Roberta would you please offer the final benediction.
Sister Roberta: (hesitates) I cant. (crowd murmurs) Im sorry. Its a beautiful religion, but I am not worthy of it. I found something else.
Sister Roberta: Him.
Crowd: Kavorka, Kavorka.
Elaine: (kiss, kiss) You know, because I love the foot. Im a big fan of the foot.
Doctor: Well its my fault. I got a little defensive.
Elaine: And that pinkie toe, come on . How adorable is the pinkie toe.
Doctor: Its my favorite toe.
Elaine: Lets face it, you get a bunion, where are you going? You're not going to the ear guy.
Doctor: No you're not.
Elaine: Ill be right back.
Doctor: Oh uh, wheres the bathroom?
Elaine: Its right down here to the left. I will uh meet you right back here.
Jerry: Elaine its her cat. Her cat had the fungus. So I need the tube back.
Doctor: (Thinking to himself) "Fungicide"? Fungus?
Sister Roberta: Somethings wrong. I dont feel the same lure.
Kramer: You dont?
Sister Roberta: What have I? I must return to the church. By the way you really need to take a bath. You stink.
Kramer: Yeah yeah.
Jerry: But once you put medicine in your medicine cabinet you're never using it again. Any medicine you're using, is on the sink. It's not really even a medicine cabinet, it's really like an ointment museum isn't it? It's like here's a saff from 1983, some cream from the 70s. But you want to keep it private, because a medicine cabinet is a place that reveals our weaknesses and it can really throw off the balance between two people that might be going out. Somebody peeks in there, "Oh I see Mr. Perfect needs tough actin' Tinactin. Well I guess I'll be calling the shots in this relationship from now on."
Sasha: For me?
George: Well I didnt do it for my mother.
Sasha: Im really flattered. But I just dont feel ready to make a commitment yet. Maybe when I get back from Latvia.
George: Latvia?
Sasha: Yes. Im going to stay with some relatives there for a year. Isn't it great?
George: Enjoy, enjoy.
Sasha: Oh George, you are so sweet. Dont ever change.
George: Id like a doggie bag for this please. (hands her plate to the waitress)