Jerry: Im always in traffic with the lane expert. You know this type of person? Constantly reevaluating their lane choice. Never quite sure, Is this the best lane for me? For my life? They're always a little bit ahead of you, Can I get in over there? Could I get in over here? Could I get in there? Yeah, come on over here, pal. Were zoomin over here. This is the secret lane, nobody knows about it. The ultimate, I think the ultimate psychological test of traffic is the total dead stop. Not even rolling. And you look out the window, you can see gum clearly. So we know that in the future traffic will get even worse than that. I mean, what will happen? Will it start moving backwords, I wonder? I mean, is that possible? That someday well be going, (Jerry pretends hes driving in reverse.) Boy, this is some really bad traffic now, boy. This, is really bad. Im gonna try to get off and get back on going the other way.
George: She cant kill me right?
Jerry: No, of course not.
George: People break up all the time.
Jerry: Everyday.
George: It just didnt work out. What can I do? I wanted to love her. I tried to love her. I couldn't.
Jerry: You tried.
George: I kept looking at her face. Id go, Cmon, love her. Love her!
Jerry: Did you tell her you loved her?
George: Oh, I had no choice. She squeezed it out of me! Shed tell me she loved me. All right, at first, I just look at her. Id go, Oh, really? Or uh, Boy, that's, that's something. But, eventually you have to come back with, Well, I love you. You know, you can only hold out for so long.
Jerry: You're a human being.
George: And I didnt even ask her out. She asked me out first. She called me up. What was I supposed to do? Say no? (laughs) I cant do that to someone.
Jerry: You're too nice a guy.
George: I am. Im a nice guy. And she seduced me! We were in my apartment, Im sitting on the couch, shes on the chair. I get up to go to the bathroom, I come back, shes on the couch. What am I supposed to do? Not do anything? I couldn't do that. I would've insulted her.
Jerry: You're flesh and blood.
George: I had nothing to do wtih any of this! I met all her friends, I didnt want to meet them. I kept trying to avoid it. I knew it would only get me in deeper. But they were everywhere! They kept popping up all over the place. This is Nancy, this is Susan, this is Amy, this is my cousin, this is my brother, this is my father... Its like Im in quicksand.
Jerry: I told you when I met her.
George: My back is killing me.
Jerry: You gotta go to my chiropractor, hes the best.
George: Oh yeah, everybodys guy is the best.
Jerry: Im gonna make an appointment for you. Well go together.
George: Please. They dont do anything. Look, do I have to break up with her in person? Cant I do it over the phone? I-I have no stomach for these things.
Jerry: You should just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion! Right off!
Elaine: Hi.
Jerry: Hi.
Elaine: Hey, what are you doing?
George: Im letting you in.
Elaine: Oh no. No. I dont want to sit in the back. Ill be left out of the conversation.
George: No, you wont.
Elaine: Yes, I will, George. Ill have to stick my chin on top of the seat.
George: Okay.
Elaine: Why cant you sit in the middle?
George: Please, it doesnt look good. Boy, boy, girl.
Elaine: You're afraid to sit next to a man. You're a little homophobic, arent ya?
George: Is it that obvious?
Elaine: Hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Hello.
Elaine: Did you get a haircut?
Jerry: No, shower. So, where are we eating?
Elaine: Tell me if you think this is strange. Theres this guy who lives in my building, who I was introduced to a couple of years ago by a friend. Hes a uh teacher, or something. Anyway, after we met, whenever wed run into each other on the street, or in the lobby, or whatever, we would stop and we would chat a little. Nothing much. Little pleasantries. Hes a nice guy, hes got a family. Then after a while, I noticed there was not more stopping. Just saying hello and continuing on our way. And then the verbal hellos stopped, and we just went into these little sort of nods of recognition. So, fine. I figure, that's where this relationship is finally gonna settle polite nodding. Then one day, he doesnt nod. Like I dont exist?! He went from nods to nothing.
George: (singing; imitating Tony Bennett) You know, Id go from nods to nothing...
Elaine: And now, theres this intense animosity whenever we pass. I mean, its like we really hate each other. Its based on nothing.
Jerry: A relationship is an organism. You created this thing and then you starved it so it turned against you. Same thing happened in The Blob.
George: I think you absolutely have to say something to this guy. Confront him.
Elaine: Really?
George: Yes.
Elaine: You would do that?
George: If I was a different person.
Jerry: Hello... Hello. Is Glen there?... Im sorry. Is this 805-555-3234?... Yes, I know I have the wrong number, but I just want to know if I dialed wrong or if...
Kramer: (to the intercom) Come on up.
Jerry: (to the phone) Oh, its you again. See, now if you had answered me, I wouldnt have had to do this. Now that's two long distance calls I made to you why cant you... (The guy hangs up on Jerry again; to nobody) Why? Why do they just hang up like that? Thank you very much.
Kramer: Taste this.
Jerry: No, I just had a sandwich.
Kramer: No, taste it. Taste it.
Jerry: I dont want cantaloupe now.
Kramer: You've never had cantaloupe like this before...
Jerry: I only eat cantaloupe at certain times...
Kramer: ...Jerry. This is great cantaloupe.
Jerry: ...all right!
Kramer: Uh-huh. Its good?
Jerry: Its very good.
Kramer: Good, huh?
Jerry: Good.
Kramer: I got it at Joes.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
Kramer: Forty-nine cents a pound. That's practically half than what you're paying at the supermarket. I dont know why you dont go to Joes.
Jerry: Its too far.
Kramer: Its three blocks further. You can use my shopping cart..
Jerry: Im not pulling a shopping cart. What, am I suppose to wear a kerchief? Put stockings on and roll em down below my knee?
Kramer: See, the other thing is, if you dont like anything, he takes it right back.
Jerry: I dont return fruit. Fruit is a gamble. I know that going in.
George: Im outta there. I did it! Its over.
Jerry: You did it? What happened?
George: I told her. In the kitchen which was risky cause its near all the knives. I started with the word Listen.
Jerry: Uh-huh...
George: I said, Listen Marlene, and then the next thing I know, Im in the middle of it. And theres this voice inside of me going, You're doing it! You're doing it! And then she started to cry, and I weakened a bit. I almost relented, but the voice, Jerry, the voice said, Keep going, keep going. You're almost out! Its like I was making a prison break, you know, and Im heading for the wall, and I trip and I twist my ankle, and they throw the light on you, you know. So, somehow I get though the crying and I keep running. Then the cursing started. Shes firing at me from the guard tower. Son of a bang! Son of a boom! I get to the top of the wall the front door. I opened it up, Im one foot away, I took one last look around the penitentiary, and I jumped!
Jerry: See, its never as bad as you imagine.
Kramer: I liked Marlene. Whats her number?
George: Uh, no, I, I dont think so.
Jerry: (to Kramer) Could you stop that smacking?
Kramer: George, I want you to taste this cantaloupe.
George: Oh no, thank you.
Kramer: Its the best cantaloupe I ever had.
George: No, really. No, no, thanks.
Kramer: Jerry, tell him how good this cantaloupe is.
Jerry: Its very good cantaloupe. (Kramer leaves; to George) So that's it? You're out?
George: Except for one small problem. Hah, I left some books in her apartment.
Jerry: So, go get them.
George: Oh, no no, I cant go back there. Jerry, its so awkward and, you know, it could be dangerous sexually. Something could happen, Id be right back where I started from.
Jerry: So forget about the books. Did you read them?
George: Well, yeah.
Jerry: What do you need them for?
George: I dont know. They're books.
Jerry: What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?
George: They're my books.
Jerry: So you want me to get the books? Is that it?
Marlene: ...so, it mustve been ninety-five degrees that night, and everyones just standing around the pool with little drinks in their hands. I was wearing my old jeans and t-shirt. And I dont know, I was just in one of those moods. So I said to myself, Marlene, just do it. And I jumped in. And as Im getting out, I feel all these eyes on me, and I look up and everyone is just staring at me.
Jerry: So whatd you do?
Marlene: Well, nothing. Its no skin off my hide if people like to look. I just didnt see what the big attraction was.
Jerry: Well, I have a general idea what it was. I could take a guess.
Marlene: Hey, you know, Jerry, just because George and I dont see each other anymore, it doesnt mean we shouldn't stay friends.
Jerry: No.
Marlene: Good enough. Im really glad we got that settled.
Jerry: I dont know how this happened.
George: Jerry, its not my fault.
Jerry: No, no. Its not your fault. Books, books, I need my books. Have you re-read those books yet, by the way? You know the great thing? When you read Moby Dick the second time, Ahab and the whale become good friends. You know, its not like Marlenes a bad person or anything, but, my God! I mean, weve had like three lunches and a movie, and she never stops calling. (George nods.) And its these meaningless, purposeless, blather calls. She never asks if Im busy or anything. I just pick up the phone, and shes in the middle of a sentence!
George: It's standard. Has she left you one of those messages where she uses up the whole machine?
Jerry: (disgusted) Ohh! You know, and sometimes shell go, (imitates Marlene) Hello, Jerry? And Ill go, Oh, hi Marlene. And then its Jerry...
Jerry & George: I dunno sometimes...
George: What trying to get off the phone?
Jerry: (more disgusted) Ohhhh! You cant! Its impossible! Theres no break in the conversation where you can go, All right then... You know, it just goes on and on and on without a break in the wall. I mean, I gotta put a stop to this.
George: Just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion. Right off! (beat) She is sexy though. Dont you think?
Jerry: Yeah. Yes, she is.
Receptionist: Mr. Costanza?
George: Yeah.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
George: (to Jerry, sarcastically) Yeah, doctor. Im going to have to wait in that little room all by myself, arent I? (He picks up a crossword puzzle.) I better take this. I hate the little room. (George walks into the hallway that leads to the doctors office.) Oh, hello, Doctor.
Jerry: The waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room. Cause it says Waiting Room. Theres no chance of not waiting. Cause they call it the waiting room, they're gonna use it. Theyve got it. Its all set up for you to wait. And you sit there, you know, and you've got your little magazine. You pretend you're reading it, but you're really looking at the other people. You know, you're thinking about about them. Things like, I wonder what hes got. As soon as she goes, Im getting her magazine. And then, they finally call you and its a very exciting moment. They finally call you, and you stand up and you kinda look around at the other people in the room. Well, I guess Ive been chosen. Ill see you all later. You know, so you think you're going to see the doctor, but you're not, are you? No. You're going into the next waiting room the littler waiting room. But if they are, you know, doing some sort of medical thing to you, you want to be in the smallest room that they have, I think. You dont wnat to be in the largest room that they have. You know what I mean? You ever see these operating theaters, that they have, with like, stadium seating? You dont want them doing anything to you that makes other doctors go, I have to see this! Are you kidding? Are they really gonna do that to him? Are there seats? Can we get in? Do they scalp tickets to these things? I got two for the Winslow tumor, I got two...
Jerry: So, how was it?
George: I was in there for two minutes. He didnt do anything. Touch this, feel that seventy-five bucks!
Jerry: Well, its a first visit.
George: Whats seventy-five bucks?! What, am I seeing Sinatra in there?! Am I being entertained? I dont understand this. Im only paying half.
Jerry: You cant do that.
George: Why not?
Jerry: Hes a doctor. You gotta pay what he says.
George: Oh, no no no. I pay what I say.
Marlene: Are you feeling weird?
Jerry: No, Im fine.
Marlene: Nothing really happened.
Jerry: Yeah, I know.
Marlene: We just kissed a little. People kiss.
Jerry: Yeah.
Marlene: Well... night.
Jerry: (belated) Good night.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: I got it! This time, I got it!
Jerry : All right.
Kramer: Hips! See, its all hips.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
Kramer: You gotta come through with the hips first.
Jerry: That is out there.
Kramer: Joes?
Jerry: No, supermarket.
Kramer: Well, is it good?
Jerry: Its uh okay.
Kramer: Let me taste it.
Kramer: See, that stinks. You cant eat that. You should take that back.
Jerry: Im not taking it back.
Kramer: All right, Ill take it back. Im going by there.
Jerry: I dont care about it.
Kramer: Jerry, you should care. Cantaloupe like this should be taken out of circulation.
Jerry: All right. Take it back.
JerryS Message: Leave a message, Ill call you back.
Marlene: (from the phone) Jerry, have you ever taken a bath in the dark? If Im not talking into the soap right now, call me back.
Kramer: Well?
Jerry: Marlene.
Kramer: (smiles) Oh. Oh, Marlene...
Jerry: Yeah, I took her home one night we kinda started up a little bit in the car.
Kramer: I thought you were trying to get rid of her?
Jerry: I was. But, shes got me, like, hypnotized.
Kramer: Does George know?
Jerry: No, hed go nuts.
Kramer: Yeah, no kidding.
Jerry: I feel terrible. (Kramer smiling) I mean, Ive seen her a couple of times since then, and I know I cant go any further, but... Shes just got this like, psychosexual hold over me. I just want her, I cant breathe. Its like a drug.
Kramer: Whoa, psychosexual.
Jerry: I dont know how Im going to tell him.
Kramer: Man, I dont understand people. I mean, why would George want to deprive you of pleasure? Is it just me?
Jerry: Its partially you, yeah.
Kramer: You're his friend. Better that she should sleep with someone else? Some jerk that he doesnt even know?
Jerry: Well, he cant kill me, right?
Kramer: You're a human being.
Jerry: I mean, she called me. I haven't called her. She started it.
Kramer: You're flesh and blood.
Jerry: Im a nice guy.
Elaine: Hi.
Jerry: (excited) Oh, my little airplane lamp.
Elaine: You know, you have the slowest elevator in the entire city. That's hard to get used to when you're in so many other fast ones.
Jerry: Well, the apartment elevators are always slower than the offices, because you dont have to be home on time.
Elaine: Unless you're married to a dictator.
Jerry: Yeah... Because they would be very demanding people.
Elaine: Right. Exactly. So I imagine at some point somebodys going to offer me some cantaloupe?
Kramer: Nope. No good.
Jerry: Well, you know what they say. Lucky in love, Unlucky with fruit.
Kramer: Well, Im taking this back.
Elaine: So, I had what you might call a little encounter this morning.
Jerry: Really? That guy who stopped saying hello?
Elaine: Yes.
Jerry: You talked to him?
Elaine: Yes. I spotted him getting his mail. And at first, I was just going to walk on by, but then I thought, No no no. No. Do not be afraid of this man.
Jerry: Right.
Elaine: So, I walked up behind him and I tapped him on the shoulder. And I said, Hi, remember me? And he furrows his brow, as if hes really trying to figure it out. So I said to him, I said, You little phony. You know exactly who I am.
Jerry: You said "you little phony"?
Elaine: I did. I most certainly did. And he said, he goes, Oh, yeah. You're Jeanettes friend. We did meet once. And I said, Well, how do you go from that to totally ignoring a person when they walk by?
Jerry: This is amazing.
Elaine: And he says, he says, Look, I just didnt want to say hello anymore, All right? And I said, Fine. Fine. I didnt want to say hello anymore either, but just I wanted you to know that Im aware of it!
Jerry: You are the Queen of Confrontation. You're my new hero. In fact, you've inspired me. Im gonna call George about something right now.
Elaine: This cantaloupe stinks.
George: (considers for a second) I dont care.
Jerry: You're kidding.
George: No, I dont care.
Jerry: You mean that?
George: Absolutely.
Jerry: You dont care?
George: No.
Jerry: How could you not care?
George: I dont know. But I dont. Im actually almost happy to hear it.
Jerry: I thought youd be upset.
George: I guess I should be, but Im not.
Jerry: Am I a bad person? Did I do something terrible?
George: You're a fine person. You're a humanitarian. Shes very sexy.
Jerry: That voice. That voice. Shes driving me crazy.
George: I know. I know.
Jerry: So I can see her tonight, and you dont care?
George: See her tonight. See her tomorrow. Go. Knock yourself out. Shes too crazy for me.
Jerry: All right. As long as you're okay. Because I cant stop thinking about her.
George: Im okay. Im fine. Im wonderful. I never felt better in my whole life.
Jerry: Good. And Ill tell you what... You dont have to pay me back the thirty-five I gave to the chiropractor for the rest of your bill.
George: (shocked and angry) You paid that crook?!
Jerry: I had to.
George: He didnt do anything, Jerry. Its a scam! Who told you to do that?
Jerry: It was embarrassing to me.
George: Oh, I was trying to make a point.
Jerry: Why dont you make a point with your own doctor? (George gulps.) Whats wrong?
George: (gasping) I think I swallowed a fly! I swallowed a fly! What do I do? (He turns to a coffee shop patron at the counter.) What can happen?!
Jerry: So, you wanna come up for a few minutes?
Marlene: Im sorry, Jerry. I just dont think this is gonna work.
Jerry: Really? I thought...
Marlene: I know, Im sorry.
Jerry: Gee, I just didnt expect it from the way you've been acting.
Marlene: You sure you want to talk about this? Cause I sure dont.
Jerry: Of course I want to talk about it.
Marlene: Well, okay. I guess things changed for me on Tuesday night.
Jerry: Tuesday night? What happened Tuesday night?
Marlene: I saw your act.
Jerry: My act? Wha-What does that have to do with anything?
Marlene: Well, to be honest, it just didnt make it for me. Its just so much fluff.
Jerry: I cant believe this. So what are you saying? You didnt like my act, so that's it?
Marlene: I cant be with someone if I dont respect what they do.
Jerry: You're a cashier!
Marlene: Look, Jerry, its just wasn't my kind of humor.
Jerry: You cant go by the audience that night. It was late. They were terrible.
Marlene: I heard the material.
Jerry: I have other stuff. Y-You should come see me on the weekend.
Jerry: Women need to like the job of the guy they're with. If they dont like the job, they dont like the guy. Men know this. Which is why we make up the phony, bogus names for the jobs that we have. Well, right now, Im the regional management supervisor. Im in development, research, consulting... Men on the other hand if they are physically attracted to a woman are not that concerned with her job. Are we? Men dont really care. Menll just go, Really? Slaughterhouse? Is that where you work? That sounds interesting. So whaddaya got a big cleaver there? You're just lopping their heads off? That sounds great! Listen, why dont you shower up, and well get some burgers and catch a movie.


Jerry: My parents live in Florida now. They moved there last year. They didnt want to move to Florida, but they're in their sixties, and that's the law. You know how it works. They got the leisure police. They pull up in front of the old peoples house with a golf cart, jump out, Lets go Pop, white belt, white pants, white shoes, get in the back. Drop the snow shovel right there. Drop it! I am not much for the family gathering. You know, you sit there, and the conversations so boring. Its so dull. And you start to fantasize. You know, you think, What if I just got up and jumped out that window? What would it be like? Just crashed right through the glass. You know. Come back in, theres broken glass, everybodys all upset. No, Im all right. I was just a little bored there. And uh no, Im fine. I came back. I wanted to hear a little more about that Hummel collection, Aunt Rose. Lets pick it up right there.
Helen: You have so many nice jackets. I dont know why you had to bring this jacket. Who wears a jacket like this? Whats wrong with that nice gray one? You have beautiful clothes. They sit in your closet. Morty, you cant wear this!
Morty: Are you getting that?
Helen: I thought you were getting it.
Morty: Should I pick up?
Helen: You want me to get that?
Morty: Ill get it!
Helen: Ill get it!
Helen: Hello?... Hello?
Jerry: Hi.
Helen: Hi.
Jerry: (to Morty) Would you make this thing lower! I can hear it on the street!
Morty: So, howd you do?
Jerry: We won. I made an incredible play in the field! There was a tag-up at third base and I threw the guy out from left field on a fly! Well be in the championship game Wednesday because of me. It was the single greatest moment in my life.
Helen: This is your greatest moment? A game?
Jerry: Well, no. Sharon Besser, of course.
Morty: You know what my greatest moment was, dont you? Nineteen-forty-six. I went to work for Harry Flemming and I came up with the idea for the beltless trenchcoat.
Helen: Jerry, look at this sport jacket. Is this a jacket to wear to an anniversary party?
Jerry: Well, the mans an individualist he worked for Harry Flemming. He knows what hes doing.
Helen: But its their 50th anniversary.
Morty: Your mother doesn't like my taste in clothing.
Helen: You know, I spoke to Manya and Isaac on the phone today. They invited you again. I think you should go.
Jerry: First of all, I made plans with Elaine.
Helen: So bring her.
Jerry: I dont even know them. What is she, your second cousin? I mean, Ive met them three times in my life.
Morty: I dont know her either. (gesturing to Helen) She makes me fly all the way from Florida for this, and then she criticizes my jacket.
Helen: At least come and say hello, have a cup of coffee, then you'll leave.
Morty: How come he gets to leave?
Jerry: If I wind up sitting next to Uncle Leo, I am leaving. Hes always grabbing my arm when he talks to me. I guess its because so many people have left in the middle of his conversation.
Morty: And its always about Jeffrey, right?
Jerry: Yeah. He talks about him like he split the atom. The kid works for the Parks Department.
Kramer: Morty, are you coming in?
Morty: Oh, yeah. I forgot all about it.
Kramer: (to Jerry) Hey, howd you do?
Jerry: We won. Were in the finals on Wednesday.
Kramer: Yeah!
Jerry: (to Kramer and Morty) What is this about?
Kramer: Im completely changing the configuration of the apartment. You're not gonna believe it when you see it. A whole new lifestyle.
Jerry: What are you doing?
Kramer: Levels.
Jerry: Levels?
Kramer: Yeah, Im getting rid of all my furniture. All of it. And Im going to build these different levels, with steps, and itll all be carpeted with a lot of pillows. You know, like ancient Egypt.
Jerry: You drew up plans for this?
Kramer: No no. Its all in my head.
Morty: I dont know how you're going to be comfortable like that.
Kramer: Oh, Ill be comfortable.
Jerry: When do you intend to do this?
Kramer: Ohh... should be done by the end of the month.
Jerry: You're doing this yourself?
Kramer: Its a simple job. Why, you dont think I can?
Jerry: Oh, no. Its not that I dont think you can. I know that you cant, and Im positive that you wont.
Kramer: Well, I got the tools. I got the pillows. All I need is the lumber.
Morty: Hey, that's some big job.
Jerry: I, dont see it happening.
Kramer: Well, this time, this time you're wrong. Cmon. Ill even bet you.
Jerry: Seriously?
Helen: I dont want you betting. Morty, dont let him bet.
Kramer: A big dinner with dessert. But Ive got till the end of the month.
Jerry: Ill give you a year.
Kramer: No no no. End of the month.
Jerry: Its a bet.
Jerry: (to Elaine) Seriously, do you wanna switch chairs?
Elaine: No, no. Im fine.
Uncle Leo: Jerry, are you listening to this?
Jerry: Yeah, Uncle Leo.
Uncle Leo: So, so, now the parks commissioner is recommending Jeffrey for a citation.
Jerry: Right. For the reducing of the pond scum?
Uncle Leo: No, for the walking tours.
Jerry: Oh, yeah. Where the people eat the plant life. The edible foliage tour.
Uncle Leo: That's exactly right. He knows the whole history of the park. For two hours hes talking and answering questions. But you want to know something? Whenever he has a problem with one of these high-powered big shots in the Parks Department, you know who he calls?
Jerry: Mickey Mantle?
Elaine: (saving Jerry from Leo) Jerry, Jerry. Did you taste these peas? (to Manya) These peas are great!
Jerry: (eating a forkful) These peas are bursting with country fresh flavor.
Elaine: Mmm... phenomenal peas.
Morty: Are you ready for dessert?
Jerry: Well, actually, we do have to kind of get going.
Manya: (surprised) You're going?
Elaine: Oh uh, I dont really eat dessert. Im dieting.
Jerry: Yeah, I cant eat dessert either. The sugar makes my ankles swell up, and I cant dance.
Manya : Cant dance?
Helen: Hes kidding, Manya.
Manya: Is that a joke?
Helen: So, did you hear Claires getting married?
Manya: Yeah, yeah..
Helen: I hear the fella owns a couple of racehorses. You know, trotters, like at Yonkers.
Jerry: Horses? They're like big riding dogs.
Elaine: What about ponies? What kind of abnormal animal is that? And those kids who had their own ponies...
Jerry: I know, I hated those kids. In fact, I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up.
Manya: (angry) I had a pony.
Jerry: Well, I didnt uh really mean a pony, per se...
Manya: When I was a little girl in Poland, we all had ponies. My sister had pony, my cousin had pony... So, whats wrong with that?
Jerry: Nothing. Nothing at all. I was just merely expressing...
Helen: Should we have coffee? Who'shaving coffee?
Manya: He was a beautiful pony! And I loved him.
Jerry: Well, Im sure you did. Who wouldnt love a pony? Who wouldnt love a person that had a pony?
Manya: You! You said so!
Jerry: No, see, we didnt have ponies. Im sure at that time in Poland, they were very common. They were probably like compact cars..
Manya: That's it! I had enough!
Isaac: Have your coffee, everybody. Shes a little upset. Its been an emotional day.
Jerry: I didnt know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrants going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sittin on a pony. Why would anybody come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesnt make sense. Am I wrong?
Jerry: Ill drive you to the airport.
Helen: No, were taking a cab.
Jerry: I just hope that whole pony incident didnt put a damper on the trip.
Helen: Dont be ridiculous. It was a misunderstanding.
Morty: Hey, I agree with him. Nobody likes a kid with a pony.
Jerry: Well, if you ever talk to her, tell her Im sorry. Elaine too. She feels terrible.
Helen: You know, you should give Manya a call.
Jerry: Maybe I will.
Kramer: Oh, hi. I uh just came to say goodbye.
Kramer: Need any help with those?
Morty: Its nothing. I got it. So, how are your levels coming along?
Kramer: Oh, well... I decided Im not gonna do it.
Jerry: (laughing) Really? What a shock.
Helen: Goodbye, Jerry.
Jerry: Take care.
Helen: Well call you.
Morty: Bye, Jer.
Jerry: Bye, Dad. Take it easy.
Morty: Bye, Mr. Kramer.
Kramer: Yeah. So long, Morty.
Jerry: So, when do I get my dinner?
Kramer: Theres no dinner. The bets off. Im not gonna do it.
Jerry: Yes, I know you're not gonna do it. That's why I bet.
Kramer: Ya well, theres no bet if Im not doing it.
Jerry: That's the bet! That you're not doing it!
Kramer: Yeah, well, I could do it. I dont wanna do it.
Jerry: We didnt bet on if you wanted to. We bet on if it would be done.
Kramer: And it could be done.
Jerry: Well, of course it could be done! Anything could be done! But it only is done if its done! Show me the levels! The bet is the levels!
Kramer: I dont want the levels!
Jerry: That's the bet! (The phone rings; Jerry answers it.) Hello?... No- oh, hi... (Kramer leaves) no, they just left... Oh, my God... hang on a second. Maybe I can still catch em. (Jerry goes over to the window and opens it; calling out the window) Ma! Ma! Up here! Dont get in the cab! Manya died! Manya died!!
Helen: Who did you talk to?
Jerry: Uncle Leo.
Helen: And whens the funeral?
Jerry: I dont know. He said hed call back.
Morty: You know what this means, dont you? We lost the Supersaver. Those tickets are non-refundable.
Helen: She just had a check-up. The doctor said she was fine. Unless...
Jerry: What?
Helen: What? Nothing.
Jerry: You dont think... What? The pony remark?
Helen: Oh, dont be ridiculous. She was an old woman.
Jerry: You dont think that I killed her?
Morty: You know what the flight backll cost us?
Jerry: It was just an innocent comment! I didnt know she had a pony!
Morty: Maybe we can get an army transport flight. They got a base in Sarasota, I think.
Jerry: The whole thing was taking out of context. It was a joke. (The phone rings.) That's probably Uncle Leo.
Helen: Hello?... Yes, I know... Well, its just one of those things... Sure, sure, well see you then.
Helen: The funerals Wednesday.
Jerry: Wednesday? What, what Wednesday?
Helen: Two o clock, Wednesday.
Jerry: Ah
Helen: What?
Jerry: Ive got the softball game on Wednesday. Its the championship.
Helen: So? You're not obligated. Go play in your game.
Jerry: I didnt even know the woman.
Helen: So dont go.
Jerry: I mean I met her three times. I dont even know her last name.
Helen: Jerry, no ones forcing you.
Jerry: I mean, who has a funeral on a Wednesday? That's what I want to know. I mean, its the championship, Im hitting everything.
Helen: I dont have a dress to wear. (to Morty) And you. You dont have anything.
Morty: I got my sport jacket.
Helen: You're not wearing that to a funeral.
Morty: Whats wrong with it?
Helen: It looks ridiculous.
Morty: What? Im gonna buy a new sport jacket now?
Jerry: I dont know what to do.
Morty: (depressed) You know what this funerals gonna wind up costing me? Oh boy!
Jerry: We dont understand death. And the proof of this is that we give dead people a pillow. And, uh, I mean, hey, you know. I think if you cant stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, I dont see how bedding accessories really make the difference. I mean, they got the guy in a suit with a pillow. Now, is he going to a meeting, or is he catching forty winks? I mean, lets make up our mind where we think they're going.
Elaine: I actually like ponies. I was just trying to make conversation. What times your game?
Jerry: Two Forty-Five.
Elaine: And what times the funeral?
Jerry: Two o clock.
Elaine: How long does a funeral take?
Jerry: Depends on how nice the person was. But you gotta figure, even Oswald took forty-five minutes.
Elaine: So you cant do both?
Jerry: You know, if the situation were reversed and Manya had some mah-jongg championship or something, I wouldnt expect her to go to my funeral. I would understand.
Elaine: How can you even consider not going?
George: You know, Ive been thinking. I cannot envision any circumstances in which Ill ever have the opportunity to have sex again. Hows it gonna happen? I just dont see how it could occur.
Elaine: You know, funerals always make me think about my own mortality and how Im actually gonna die someday. Me, dead. Imagine that.
George: They always make me take stock of my life. And how Ive pretty much wasted all of it, and how I plan to continue wasting it.
Jerry: I know, and then you say to yourself, From this moment on, Im not gonna waste any more of it. But then you go, How? What can I do that's not wasting it?
Elaine: Is this a waste of time? What should we be doing? Cant you have coffee with people?
George: You know, I cant believe you're even considering not playing. We need you. You're hitting everything.
Elaine: He has to go. He may have killed her.
Jerry: Me? What about you? You brought up the pony.
Elaine: Oh, yeah, but I didnt say I hated anyone who had one.
George: (to Jerry) Who'sgoing to play left field?
Jerry: Bender.
George: Bender? He cant play left. He stinks. I just dont see what purpose is it gonna serve your going? I mean, you think dead peole care whos at their funeral? They dont even know they're having a funeral. Its not like shes hanging out in the back going, I cant believe Jerry didnt show up.
Elaine: Maybe shes there in spirit. How about that?
George: If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think shes gonna wanna hang around Drexlers funeral home on Ocean Parkway?
Elaine: George, I met this woman. She is not traveling to any other dimensions.
George: You know how easy it is for dead people to travel? Its not like getting on a bus. One second. (snaps his fingers) Its all mental.
Jerry: Fifty years they were married. Now hes moving to Pheonix.
Elaine: Phoenix? Whats happening with his appartment?
Jerry: I dont know. Theyve been in there since, like, World War II. The rents three hundred a month.
Elaine: Three hundred a month? Oh, my God.
Eulogist: Although this may seem like a sad event, it should not be a day of mourning. For Manya had a rich, fulfilling life. She grew up in a different world a simpler world with loving parents, a beautiful home in the country, and from what I understand, she eve had a pony. (Jerry throws up his hands.) Oh, how she loved that pony. Even in her declining years, whenever she would speak of it, her eyes would light up. Its lustrous coat, its flowing mane. It was the pride of Krakow.
Jerry: Well, the games starting just about now.
Helen: It was good that the two of you came. It was a nice gesture.
Nephew: Im not a doctor yet, Uncle Morty. Im just an intern. I cant write a note to an airline.
Morty: You've got your degree. They dont care. They just want to see something.
Jerry: I just wanted to say how sorry I was...
Uncle Leo: Jerry, you wanna hear something? Your cousin, Jeffrey, is switching parks. They're transferring him to Riverside - so hell completely revamp that operation, you understand?
Jerry: Yeah.
Uncle Leo: Hell do in Riverside what he did in Central Park. More money. So, that's your cousin.
Morty: You dont understand, Ive never paid a full fare.
Jerry: Once again, I just want to say how sorry I am about the other night.
Elaine: Oh, me too.
Isaac: Oh, no no no. She forgot all about that. She was much more upset about the potato salad.
Elaine: So, I understand you're moving to Phoenix?
Isaac: Yeah, my brother lives there. I think Manya would've liked Phoenix.
Elaine: Mmm, gorgeous, exquisite town. So, whats happening with your apartment?
Isaac: Of course its very hot there. Ill have to get uh air conditioner.
Elaine: Oh, you can have mine. Ill ship it out to you. (Isaac isn't listening to Elaine) But what about that big apartment on West End Avenue?
Isaac: Although they say its a dry heat.
Elaine: Dry, wet... (trying to get through to him) whats happening with your apartment?
Isaac: I dont even know if I should take my winter clothing.
Elaine: I have an idea. Leave the winter clothing in the apartment, and Ill watch it for you and Ill live there and Ill make sure that nothing happens to it.
Isaac: Oh, the apartment. Jeffreys taking the apartment.
Elaine: Oh, Jeffrey.
Jerry: You know Jeffery?
Elaine : Yeah, from what I understand, he works for the Parks Department.
Helen: Its raining.
Jerry: Its raining? Its raining. The game will be postponed. Well play tomorrow.
Morty: Believe me, I wouldnt bother you if the army hadn't closed that base in Sarasota. Here, scribble a little something here.
Nephew: I cant. Ill get in trouble.
Morty: Oh, for Gods sake!
George: Who gets picked off in softball? Its unheard of.
Jerry: Its never happened to me before.
Elaine: I remember saying to myself, Why is Jerry so far off the base?
Jerry: Ill have to live with this shame for the rest of my life.
George: And then in the fifth inning, why did you take off on the pop fly?
Jerry: I thought there were two outs.
Elaine: I couldn't believe it when I saw you running. (laughing) I thought maybe they had changed the rules or something.
Jerry : It was the single worst moment of my life.
George: (smiling) What about Sharon Besser?
Jerry: Oh, well, of course. Nineteen-seventy-three.
Elaine: Makes you wonder, though, doesnt it?
Jerry: Wonder about what?
Elaine: You know... (looking up) the spirit world.
Jerry: You think Manya showed up during the game and put a hex on me?
Elaine: I never saw anyone play like that.
Jerry: But I went to the funeral.
Elaine: Yeah, but that doesnt make up for killin her.
George: Maybe Manya missed the funeral because she was off visiting another galaxy that day.
Jerry: Dont you think she woulda heard I was there?
George: Not necessarily.
Jerry: Who figures and immigrants gonna have a pony?
Jerry: What is the pony? What is the point of the pony? Why do we have these animals, these ponies? What do we do with them? Besides the pony ride. Why ponies? What are we doing with them? I mean, police dont use them for, you know, crowd control. (Jerry crouches down, and makes like hes riding a pony.) Hey, uh, you wanna get back behind the barricades. Hey! Hey, little boy. Yeah, Im talking to you. Behind the barricades! So somebody, I assume, genetically engineered these ponies. Do you think they could make them any size? I mean, could they make them like the size of a quarter, if they wanted? That would be fun for Monopoly, though, wouldnt it? Just have a little pony and you put him on the... Baltic, that's two down, go ahead. Hold it. Right there. Baltic. Yeah, that's it. Fine. Right there, hold it right there.


Jerry: I hate clothes, okay? I hate buying them. I hate picking them out of my closet. I cant stand every day trying to come up with little outfits for myself. I think eventually fashion wont even exist. It wont. I think eventually well all be wearing the same thing. Cause anytime I see a movie or a TV show where theres people from the future or another planet, they're all wearing the same thing. Somehow they decided, This is going to be our outfit. One-piece silver jumpsuit, V-stripe, and boots. That's it. We should come up for an outfit for Earth. An Earth outfit. We should vote on it. Candidates propose different outfits. No speeches. They walk out, twirl, walk off. We just sit in the audience and go, That was nice. I could wear that.
Jerry : I think Ive seen enough.
Salesman: Well, I might have something in the back.
Elaine: The back? They never find anything in the back. If they had anything good in the back, theyd put it out in the front.
Jerry: Why dont they open up an entire store for the back? Call it, Just Back. All back; No front. You walk in the front, you're immediately in the back. (Jerry picks up a tie display, and shakes it rhythmically from left to right.) Look, Elaine, tie carwash.
Customer: Oh, I just read that. That's terrific.
Jerry: (pointing to Elaine) Her father wrote that.
Customer: Alton Benes is your father?
Elaine: Yeah.
Customer: I always felt he deserved a wider audience.
Elaine: Im not so sure he wants one.
Elaine: Hey, dont forget Sunday, okay? You and George are coming, right? Hotel Westbury, eight oclock.
Jerry: I guess Im coming. I mean...
Elaine: What? What, you dont want to go now?
Jerry: No, Ill go. Im going.
Elaine: No, Jerry, you have to. I need a buffer. You know, I haven't seen my father in a while and... you know...
Jerry: Im worried I wont be able to talk to him. Hes such a great writer. Frankly, I prefer the company of nitwits.
Elaine: So, that's why were not together anymore.
Jerry: What is this?
Jerry: This is beautiful. These jackets never fit me right.
Elaine: Try it on.
Elaine: Wow, this is soft suede.
Jerry: This may be the most perfect jacket I have ever put on.
Jerry: How much is it?
Elaine: (shocked) Oh my God.
Jerry: Bad? (Elaine nods.) Very bad?
Elaine: You have no idea.
Jerry: I have some idea.
Elaine: No idea.
Jerry: Ive got a ballpark.
Elaine: There is no park and the team has relocated.
Jerry: Let me see that. (Jerry looks at the tag.) That is high.
Elaine: Oh man, that is a beautiful jacket, though.
Jerry: Whats with the pink lining and the candy stripes?
Elaine: Well, its just a lining. You can always have it changed.
Jerry: Should I get it? I hate these moments. Im hearing the dual voices now, you know, What about the money? Whats money?
Salesman: It looks wonderful on you.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Hey. New jacket?
Jerry: What do you think?
Kramer: Its beautiful.
Jerry: Is it me?
Kramer: That's definitely you.
Jerry: Really?
Kramer: That's more you than you've ever been. Hey, what is with the pink lining?
Jerry: I dont know. Its got a pink lining.
Kramer: Oh... So, what did you pay for this?
Jerry : I paid what it costs.
Kramer: How much?
Jerry: Whats the difference?
Kramer: What, you're not gonna tell me?
Jerry: Id rather not say it out loud. Its embarrassing.
Kramer: Over three hundred?
Jerry: Yes, but lets just stop it right there.
Kramer: Its over four hundred?
Jerry : Really, Im not answering anymore.
Kramer: Is it over four hundred?
Jerry: Would you?
Kramer: Woah, Nelson!
Jerry: I know, I know.
Kramer: What are you gonna do with the leather one?
Jerry: I dont know.
Kramer: Well, are you gonna wear it?
Jerry: Maybe.
Kramer: You're not going to wear this.
Jerry: Do you want it?
Kramer: Well, yeah. Okay. Ill take it. I like the jacket.
Jerry: Okay, take it.
Kramer: Heey, good karma for you. (Kramer puts on Jerrys old jacket and stands next to Jerry, looking in the mirror.) Oh baby.
George: (singing) Master of the house/Doling out the charm/Ready with a handshake and an open palm/Tells a saucy talk/Loves to make a stir/Everyone appreciates a...
Jerry: What is that song?
George: Oh, its from Les Miserables. I went to see it last week. I cant get it out of my head. I just keep singing it over and over. It just comes out. I have no control over it. Im singin it on elevators, buses. Im singin it in front of clients. Its taken over my life.
Jerry: You know, Schumann went mad from that.
George: Artie Schuman? From Camp Hatchapee?
Jerry: No, you idiot.
George: What are you, Bud Abbott? What are you callin me an idiot?
Jerry: You dont know Robert Schumann? The composer?
George: Oh, Schumann. Of course.
Jerry: He went crazy from one note. He couldn't get it out of his head. I think it was an A. He kept repeating it over and over again. He had to be institutionalized.
George: Really? (Jerry nods his head) Well, what if it doesnt stop? Oh, that I really needed to hear. That helps a lot! All right, just say something. Just start talking. Change the subject. Lets just go, All right? I cant believe were having dinner with Alton Benes.
Jerry: I know exactly whats gonna happen tonight. Im gonna try and act like Im not impressed, hes gonna see right through it.
George: Yeah, hell be looking at us like hes backstage at a puppet show.
Jerry: Let me just get my jacket.
George: (singing) Master of the house/Keeper of the inn... (Jerry re-enters the living room and modestly models his new jacket for George. George is impressed.) This is huge! When did this happen?
Jerry: Wednesday. This jacket has completely changed my life. When I leave the house in this, its with a whole different confidence. Like tonight, I might've been a little nervous. But, inside this jacket, I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet any social challenge.
George: Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality.
Jerry: Absolutely.
George: Its fabulous.
Jerry: I know.
George: And Ill tell you something else, Im not even going to ask you. I want to know. But Im not gonna ask. You'll tell me when you feel comfortable. So what was it? Four hundred? Five hundred? Did you pay five hundred for this? (Jerry coyly ignores Georges questions, while George grows increasingly serious.) Over six? Cant be seven. Dont tell me you paid seven hundred dollars for this jacket! Did you pay seven hundred dollars for this jacket? Is that what you're saying to me? You are sick! Is that what you paid for this jacket? Over seven hundred? What did you pay for this jacket?! I wont say anything. I wanna know what you paid for this jacket! Oh my God! A thousand dollars?! You paid a thousand dollars for this jacket?! All right, fine. (George heads for the door.) Im walking outta here right now thinking you paid a thousand dollars for this jacket, unless you tell me different. (Jerry remains silent.) Oh, ho! All right! Ill tell you what, if you dont say anything in the next five seconds, Ill know it was over a thousand.
Kramer: (to Jerry) Hey. Hey, would you do me a solid?
Jerry: Well, what kind of solid?
Kramer: I need you to sit in the car for two minutes while its double-parked. I gotta pick up some birds.
Jerry: Birds?
Kramer: Yeah. A friend of mine, hes a magician. Hes going away on vacation. He asked me to take care of his doves.
Jerry: So take a cab.
Kramer: They wont take a cage full of birds.
Jerry: I cant. Im on my way out. Theres no way I can do it.
Kramer: George, do me a solid? Two minutes.
George: Well, Im going with him. Id like to... Ive never done a solid before.
Kramer: All right... Yeah. All right, have a good one.
Jerry: (scoffs) Two minutes. Believe me, I know his two minutes. By his conception of time, his life will last over two thousand years.
George: (singing) Master of the House/Quick to catch your eye/Never wants a passerby to pass him by...
Jerry: Schumann. (George stops himself, frightened. Jerry looks around the lobby.) Where are they?
George: Maybe he didnt show up.
Jerry: What, you dont want to do this?
George: I dont think theres ever been an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up. (George notices an elderly man in a leather chair.) Wait a second, is that him?
Jerry: Yeah, I think it is. (They walk toward the man. Jerry hesitates.) Wheres Elaine?
George: Im nervous.
Jerry: (to the man) Excuse me. Mister Benes?
Alton: Yeah?
Jerry: Im Jerry, Elaines friend, and this is George.
George: Its a great thrill to meet you, Sir.
Alton: Sit down. Want a drink?
Jerry: Sure.
Alton: Whatll you have?
Jerry: (to waiter) Ill have a cranberry juice with two limes.
George: And, Ill have a club soda with no ice.
Benes: Ill have another Scotch with plenty of ice.
George: You like ice?
Alton: Huh?
George: I said, do you like ice?
Alton: Like it?
George: Dont you think you get more without it?
Alton: Wheres Elaine?
Jerry: Well, we thought she was meeting you earlier. Shes usually pretty punctual. Dont you find that, George?
George: Yeah, yeah. Shes punctual... and uh shes been late, sometimes.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah. Sometimes shes on time, and... sometimes shes late.
George: I guess... (chuckles) today shes late.
Jerry: It appears that way.
George: Yup.
Jerry: Yup.
Alton: Looks like rain.
George: I know, I know, that's what they said.
Alton: Who said?
George: The weather guy, Dr. Waldo.
Alton: I dont need anybody to tell me its gonna rain.
George: No, of course not. I didnt-
Alton: All I have to do is stick my head out the window. (The waiter returns with the drinks, and distributes them to the men.) Which ones suppose to be the funny guy?
George: (pointing at Jerry) Oh, hes the comedian.
Jerry: Im just a regular person.
George: No, no. Hes just being modest.
Alton: We had a funny guy with us in Korea. Tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific. Theres nothing funny about that.
Jerry: Would you excuse me a minute? Im gonna go to the bathroom. Ill be right back.
George: I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed Fair Game. I thought it was just brilliant.
Alton: Drivel.
George: Yea, well, maybe some parts.
Alton: (defensive) What parts?
George: The... drivel... parts. Oh my gosh, I just realized I have to make a phone call. I-I cant believe- Would you-
George: Thank you for leaving me alone with him!
Jerry: That was brutal. I cant go back out there.
George: Well, lets just leave.
Jerry: Elainell kill me.
George: Where is she?
Jerry: Shes gotta be here soon.
George: How could she leave us alone with this lunatic? Ten more minutes, and that's it! Im leaving. I have to tell you, this guy scares me.
Jerry: The waiter was trembling!
George: If she doesnt show up, we cant possibly have dinner with him alone.
Jerry: How are we gonna get out of it?
George: Well say were frightened and we have to go home.
Jerry: Yeah, that's good. Hed clunk our heads together like Moe.
George: I dont know. Just start scratching. Tell him you have the crabs. He was in the military. Hell understand that.
Jerry: All fathers are intimidating. They're intimidating because they are fathers. Once a man has children, for the rest of his life, his attitude is, To hell with the world, I can make my own people. Ill eat whatever I want, Ill wear whatever I want, and Ill create whoever I want.
Alton: (to George) Whod you call?
George: (improvising) My uh uncle is having an operation. I just wanted to see how he was.
Alton: What kind of operation?
George: Bone marrow.
Manager: Mister Benes?
Alton: Yes?
Manager: A message for you.
Alton: From Elaine. She got tied up. Shell be here in thirty minutes.
Alton: Yeah, they shouldve taken care of Castro when they had the chance. Like we did in Guatamala in fifty-three.
Jerry: Well, Guatamala...
George: Sure, Guatamala...
Alton: All right, you boys get yourselves together. Well head up to the restaurant. Ill leave a note for Elaine. Im going to the bathroom.
George: Come on, lets go!
Jerry: What about Elaine?
George: To hell with Elaine!
Jerry: Shell be furious.
George: Were dying here!
Jerry: That's her! Shes here!
Elaine: Im sorry. Im so sorry. Where is Dad?
George: (contemptuously, imitating Altons voice) Hes in the bathroom.
Jerry: (to Elaine) Where have you been?!
Elaine: Kramer! That... Kramer! Im just about to leave, he calls me up. He begs me to sit in his car for two minutes, so he can pick up these birds...
Jerry: Oh, you didnt...
Elaine: Well, he said hed drive me here right after. So, I am sitting in his car twenty minutes! He doesnt come down. I am freezing. Then a cop comes by, tells me to get out of the car. Hes a city marshal. Hes towing the car away. Kramer owes thousands of dollars in back tickets. He was going to tow it with me in the car! So, they tow the car. Now, I am standing outside, and I am freezing, but I cannot leave because I have to tell him what happened to the car. So, finally, he finally comes down with his giant cage filled with doves. He said he was getting special instructions, that each dove has a different diet... So, were wandering around trying to get a cab, when two of these doves fly out! Now were running down the street after these doves; I almost got hit by a bus! (Elaine sits in Altons chair and takes a deep breath.) So hows everything going over here?
Jerry: Great.
George: Couldn't be better.
Elaine: Good. Cause Dad can make some people a little uncomfortable.
Jerry: Oh, no, no.
George: Get outta here..
Elaine: Man, Kramer! I could kill him!
Jerry: I cant believe it. You know better than to get involved with Kramer.
Elaine : He said hed give me a lift.
Jerry: Ah, the lift. Like the lure of the sirens song. Never what it seems to be, yet who among us can resist?
George: Where do you come up with this stuff?
Alton: Well, look whos here.
Elaine: Oh, hi, Dad.
Alton: Hello, dear.
Alton: Who'sthe lipstick for?
Elaine: No one.
Alton: Hows your mother?
Elaine: Fine.
Alton: How about you? Are you working?
Elaine: Yeah, Im reading manuscripts for Pendant Publishing. I told you ten times.
Alton: Pendant! Those bastards. Well all right, boys. Well go to that Pakistani restaurant on 46th Street. You're not afraid of a little spice, are you?
George: (singing) Master of the house/Doling out the charm/Ready with a handshake and an open...
Alton: Pipe down, chorus boy.
Elaine: Ohh... its snowing. Its beautiful.
Jerry: (to George) Snow. Snow, that cant be good for suede, can it?
George: I wouldnt think so.
Jerry: What should I do? (to Alton) Uh, were taking a cab, arent we?
Alton: Cab? Its only five blocks.
George: (to Jerry) Why dont you just turn it inside out?
Jerry: Inside out! Great.
Alton: Wait a minute. What the hell do you call this?
Jerry: Oh, I turned my jacket inside out.
Alton: Well, you look like a damn fool!
Jerry: Well, its a new suede jacket. It might get ruined.
Alton: Well, you're not going to walk down the street with me and my daughter dressed like that. That's for damn sure.
George: Its uh, it's only a few blocks.
Jerry: (to the intercom) Elaine?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: Come on up.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Ive gotta feed the birds.
Jerry: So?
Kramer: You got any of those mini Ritzes?
Jerry: I cant believe I do.
Kramer: Yeah! Well, are you going out?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: Hey, wheres your new jacket? (Jerry points to the jacket hanging in the bathroom. Its ruined.) What? (Kramer enters the bathroom, and sees the garment.) Ohhh. What did you do to it?
Jerry: I was out in the snow last night.
Kramer: Dont you know what that does to suede?
Jerry: I have an idea. (Elaine enters; to Elaine) We can make the nine-thirty at Cinema Three.
Elaine: Okay. (to Kramer) Hello. (to Jerry) Listen, thanks again for coming last night. Dad said he had a great time.
Jerry: Is he still in town?
Elaine: No, hes driving back to Maryland tonight.
Kramer: So, uh... what are you gonna do with that one now?
Jerry: I dont know.
Kramer: (smiling) Well...
Elaine: (to Jerry) I didnt want to tell you this, but usually he hates everyone.
Jerry: Really?
Kramer: You gonna throw this out?
Jerry: Well, I cant wear it.
Elaine: Yeah, he like you though. Said you reminded him of somebody he knew in Korea.
Kramer: (to Jerry) Well, if you're just gonna throw it out, you know, I could take it.
Jerry: Yeah, go ahead, take it.
Elaine: Dad thinks George is gay.
Jerry: Oh, because of all the singing?
Elaine: No, he pretty much thinks everyone is gay.
Kramer: Hey, see, I like it like this.
Elaine: Isn't that...? (Jerry nods.) Oh, is this from the snow last night? (Jerry nods.) Ugh... you know what you shouldve done? You shouldve turned it inside out.
Jerry: Ill try and remember that.
Kramer: Boy, its too bad you gave me this one too.
Jerry: Yeah, too bad.
Kramer: Im gonna have to do something about this lining.
Alton: (singing) Master of the house/Doling out the charm/Ready with a handshake and an open palm...
Jerry: I had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I dont get this. Arent cows outside most of the time? I dont understand it. When its raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, Let us in, were all wearin leather. Open the door! Were gonna ruin the whole outfit here! Is it suede? I am suede, the whole thing is suede, I cant have this cleaned. Its all I got!


Jerry: The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You ever see anybody on TV like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their face? Some people have a little too much fun on television. The soda commercial people. Where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them? We have soda, we have soda, we have soda, jumping, laughing, flying through the air. Its a can of soda! Have you ever been standing there and you're watching TV and you're drinking the exact same product that they're advertising right there on TV, and its like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs, jet-skiing, girls in bikinis and Im standing there, Maybe Im putting too much ice in mine.
George: (excited) So then, as we were leaving, we were just kind of standing there, and she was sort of smiling at me, and I wasnt sure if she wanted me to ask her out, because when women smile at me I dont know what it means. Sometimes I interpret it like they're psychotic or something and I dont know if Im supposed to smile back, I dont know what to do. So I just stood there like remember how Quayle looked when Benson gave him that Kennedy line? That's what I looked like.
Jerry: So you didnt ask?
George: No, I froze.
Jerry: Counter.
George: Oh yeah. So wait, wait. A half-hour later Im back in the office, I tell Lloyd the whole story. He says, So why dont you call her? I says, I cant. I couldn't, I couldn't do it right then. For me to ask a woman out I gotta get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks. So Lloyd calls me a wuss.
Jerry: He said wuss?
George: Yeah. Anyway, he shamed me into it.
Jerry: So you called.
George: Right. And, and to cover my nervousness I started eating an apple, because I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone, it makes you sound casual.
Jerry: Yeah. Like a farm boy.
George: Right. So I call her up, I tell her its me, she gives me an enthusiastic Hi!
Jerry: Wow. The enthusiastic hi. That's beautiful.
George: Oh, I dont get the enthusiastic hi, Im outta there.
Jerry: All right, so you're chewing your apple, you got your enthusiastic hi... Go ahead.
George: So, were talking, and I dont like to go too long before I ask them out, I wanna get it over with right away, so I just blurt out, What are you doing Saturday night?
Jerry: And?
George: She bought.
Jerry: Great day in the morning.
George: Then I got off the phone right away.
Jerry: Sure, its like robbing a bank. You dont loiter around in front of the teller holding that big bag of money. You come in, you hit and get out.
George: Its amazing. We, we both have dates on the same night. I cant remember the last time that happened.
George: I cant stand doing laundry. That's why I have forty pairs of underwear.
Carol: You do not.
George: Absolutely. Because instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over three hundred and sixty pair. That way, I only have to do wash once a year.
Jerry: (in an attempted Scottish accent) Come on, try it. Let me hear you try a Scottish accent.
Donna: That's Irish.
Jerry: Irish, Scottish, whats the difference, lassie?
Carol: So, uh, thanks for dinner. It was great.
George: Yeah. (clears his throat) We should do this again.
Carol: Would you like to come upstairs for some coffee?
George: Oh, no, thanks. I cant drink coffee late at night, it keeps me up.
Carol: (confused by his response) So, um, okay.
George: Okay.
Carol: Goodnight.
George: Yeah, take it easy.
Donna: Thanks again for the movie.
Jerry: You're welcome.
Donna: Id invite you up, but the place is being painted.
Jerry: Oh, that's okay.
Donna: Unless you want to go to your place.
Jerry: Okay... but theres no cake or anything, if that's what you're looking for.
George: (frustrated) Take it easy! Huh! Take it easy!
Jerry: I think if ones going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note. Its common courtesy. I dont know. That's just the way I was brought up.
Donna: Values are very important.
Jerry: Oh, so important. So what are you doing uh Thursday night? You wanna have dinner?
Donna: Thursdays great.
Jerry: Tan pants. Why do I buy tan pants, Donna? I dont feel comfortable in them.
Donna: Are those Cotton Dockers?
Jerry: Oh, I cant begin to tell you how much I hate that commercial.
Donna: Really? I like that commercial.
Jerry: You like that commercial?
Donna: Yeah, its clever.
Jerry: Now wait a second, you mean the one where the guys are all standing around, supposedly being very casual and witty?
Donna: Yeah, that's the one.
Jerry: What could you possibly like about that?
Donna: I dont know. I like the, guys.
Jerry: Yeah, they're so funny and so comfortable with each other, and I could be comfortable too, if I had pants like that. I could sit on a porch and wrestle around, and maybe even be part of a real bull session.
Donna : Hey, I know guys like that. To me the dialogue rings true.
Jerry: Even if the dialogue did ring true. (Donna starts to get annoyed that Jerry won't let the conversation go) Even if somehow somewhere men actually talk like that, what does that have to do with the pants? Doesnt that bother you?
Donna: (annoyed) That's the idea. That's whats clever about it, that they're not talking about the pants.
Jerry: But they're talking about nothing.
Donna: That's the point.
Jerry: I know the point.
Donna: No one is telling you to like it.
Jerry: I mean, all those quick shots of the pants. Just pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants. What is that supposed to be?
Jerry: Whats brutal about the date is the scrutiny that you put each other through. Because whenever you think about this person in terms of the future, you have to magnify everything about them. You know, like the guyll be like, I dont think her eyebrows are even. Could I look at uneven eyebrows for the rest of my life? And of course the womans looking at the guy, thinking, What is he looking at? Do I want somebody looking at me like this for the rest of my life?
Jerry: Im supposed to see her again on Thursday, but can I go out with someone who actually likes this commercial?
Elaine: I once broke up with a guy because he didnt keep his bathroom clean enough.
Jerry: No kidding. Did you tell him that was the reason?
Elaine: Oh yeah, I told him all the time. You would not have believed his tub. Germs were building a town in there they were constructing offices. Houses near the drain were going for a hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
Elaine: Hi.
Jerry: You're still thinking about this?
George: She invites me up at twelve oclock at night, for coffee, and I dont go up. No thank you. I dont want coffee. It keeps me up. Too late for me to drink coffee. I said this to her. People this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live. I cant imagine what she must think of me.
Jerry: She thinks you're a guy that doesnt like coffee.
George: She invited me up. Coffees not coffee, coffee is sex.
Elaine: Maybe coffee was coffee.
George: Coffees coffee in the morning. Its not coffee at twelve oclock at night.
Elaine: Well some people drink coffee that late.
George: Yeah, people who work at NORAD, whore on twenty-four hour missile watch. Everything was going along so great. She was laughing, I was funny... I kept saying to myself, Keep it up, dont blow it, you're doing great.
Elaine: Its all in your head. All she knows is she had a good time. I think you should call her.
George: I cant call her now. Its too soon. Im planning a Wednesday call.
Elaine: Oh, why? I love it when guys call me the next day.
George: Of course you do, but you're imagining a guy you like, not a guy who goes, Oh no, I dont drink coffee late at night. If I call her now, shes gonna think Im too needy. Women dont wanna see need. They want a take-charge guy a colonel, a Kaiser, a tsar.
Elaine: All shell think is that you like her.
George: That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid!
Elaine: Well, she wants you to like her.
George: Yes, she wants me to like her, if she likes me. But she doesnt like me!
Elaine: I dont know what your parents did to you.
Kramer: Hey, I just thought of a really funny thing for your act. All right, you're up there, you're on the stage and you go, Hey, you ever notice how cars here in New York, they never get out of the way of ambulances anymore. Someones in a life-and-death situation, and were thinking, Well, sorry buddy, you shouldve thought of that when you were eating cheese omelettes and sauages for breakfast every morning for the last thirty years.
Kramer: So you gonna use it?
Jerry : I dont think so.
Kramer: Its funny.
Elaine: It is funny.
Jerry: I like to use my own material.
Kramer: That's as good as anything you do.
George: All right, I gotta make a call. Everybody out, come on.
Jerry: Why do we have to leave?
George: Because I cant call a woman with other people in the room. Come on, lets go.
Elaine: Oh, see, this is the problem.
Jerry: You're kicking me out of my house?
George: Yes.
Elaine: (encouraging) Dont forget.
George: (to Elaine) Right, alright. (to Jerry) Oh Jerry, do you have any apples?
Jerry: Dont do the apples. Its enough already with the apples.
Carol: (from the phone; a recorded message) Hi, its Carol, Ill get back to you.
George: Um, hi, its George, George Costanza, remember me? The guy that didnt come up for coffee. You see, I didnt realise that coffee didnt really mean... well, whatever. Anyway, it was fun. It was... it was fun, so... oh boy, um, so... You call me back. If you want. Its up to you, you know, whatever you wanna do. Either way. The balls in your court. So uh, take it easy.
Jerry: Im just gonna get my jacket, Ill meet you downstairs. Whats the matter, did you call?
George: Got her machine. Im dead, Im a dead man. That's it. Im dead, Im a dead man. Dead man.
Jerry: What did you say?
George: I dont know what the hell I said. I gave her an ultimatum and theres nothing I can do. Its a machine. The little light is blinking right now, Come and listen to the idiot. Hey everybody, the idiots on!
Jerry: After one date you try and improvise on her machine?
George: Now Im in the worst position of all.
Elaine: Y'know, my brother-in-law once left a message on this guys machine, and he blurted out some business information he wasnt supposed to, and it would have cost him fifteen thousand dollars, so he waited outside the guys house and when the guy came home he went upstairs with him and he switched the tape.
George: He did that?
Elaine: Yeah.
George: Somebody did that?
Jerry: Shell call you back. You're overreacting.
Jerry: Not once.
Donna: Never?
Jerry: I have never seen one episode of I Love Lucy in my life, ever.
Donna: That's amazing.
Jerry: Thank you.
Donna: Is there anything else about you I should know?
Jerry: Yes, Im lactose intolerant.
Donna: Really?
Jerry: I have no patience for lactose. And I wont stand for it. Um, Ill be right back.
George: Wait till you hear this! (George sees Donna and no Jerry.) Whoa, ah, Im sorry, I didnt, I had no idea.
Donna: Wait, wait. Hes in the bathroom.
George: I just wanted to talk to him for a minute, but Ill come back.
Donna: You dont have to leave.
George: You sure?
Donna: Yes.
George: Okay.
Donna: Im Donna.
George: Donna. Oh, you're the one that likes that commercial!
Donna: He told you about that?
George: (back-pedalling) No, he, he didnt actually tell me that, uh, we were talking about that commercial in fact I think I brought it up because I like that commercial. No, he, he would never tell me anything. He never discusses anything. Hes, hes like a clam. You're not gonna mention this, to him...
Donna: (to Jerry) So you go around telling your friends Im not hip because I like that commercial.
Jerry: What? (to George) What did, what did you say?
George: Say? What? Nothing, I...
Donna: You told him how I like the commercial.
Jerry: Well, so what if I said that?
Donna: Well, so, you didnt have to tell your friends.
Jerry: No, I had to tell my friends my friends didnt have to tell you.
George: (to Donna) Why did you have to get me in trouble?
Donna: I dont like you talking about me with your friends behind my back.
George: Boy oh boy.
Jerry: I said I couldn't believe you liked that commercial. So what?
Donna: I asked some friends of mine this week, and all of them liked the commercial.
Jerry: Boy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin round table there.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Oh uh, Kramer, this is Donna.
Kramer: Oh. Cotton Dockers!
George: Hello! All right, we should be going. Come on...
Kramer: What? Where are we going?
George: Come on!
Donna: Dont bother, Im leaving.
Jerry: Donna, really, you're making too much of this.
Kramer: One hundred percent Cotton Dockers. If they're not Dockers, they're just pants
Jerry: Please, Donna...
Donna: I dont wanna hear it.
George: I cant believe I said that. You know me, Im a vault.
Jerry: Dont worry about it, it wasnt working anyway.
Kramer: What happened there?
Jerry: Ill tell you later.
George: You are not gonna believe whats going on with this woman.
George: Okay, so you remember I made the initial call Sunday, she doesnt call back. I call again Monday, I leave another message. I call Tuesday, I get the machine again, I know you're there, I dont know what your story is. Yesterday, Im a volcano I try one more call, the machine comes on, and I let fly like Mussolini from the balcony, Where the hell do you get the nerve? You invite me up for coffee and then you dont call me back for four days? I dont like coffee, I dont have to come up. Id like to get one more shot at the coffee just so I could spit it in your face.
Jerry: You said that?
George: I lost it.
Jerry: I cant blame you. I cant believe she never called you back.
George: She did. Today.
Jerry: What?
George: She called my office. She said shes been in the Hamptons since Sunday. She didnt know if I was trying to get in touch with her. Her machine broke, and shes been using her old machine and she doesnt have the beeper for it.
Jerry: So she didnt get the messages.
George: Exactly, but they're on there waiting. She said she cant wait to see me, were having dinner tonight. Shes supposed to call me as soon as she gets home.
Jerry: But what about the messages?
Jerry: Elaines thing? How you gonna get in?
George: Ill meet her outside the building.
Jerry: But you know as soon as she gets in the apartment shes going right for that machine.
George: Unless she goes for the bathroom. That's my only chance. (George crumbles. He drops the cassette on the table.) Who am I kidding? I cant do this, I cant do this. I dont even know how to work those stupid machines.
Jerry: Theres nothing to it. You lift the lid, it comes right out.
George: You do it for me.
Jerry: What?
George: Come on, itll be so much easier.
Jerry: How you gonna get me up there?
George: Ill tell her I bumped into you, Im giving you a ride uptown.
Jerry: And who makes the switch?
George: You do.
Jerry: I do.
George : I cant do it. Ill, Ill keep her busy.
Jerry: I cant get involved in this.
George: I think I may be in love with this woman.
Jerry: What if she sees me?
George: Oh, you are such a wuss.
Jerry: A wuss?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Did you call me a wuss?
George: Well there is traffic. It might take her till eight-fifteen.
Jerry: I got one problem. You're keeping her busy in the other room. Now, what if she somehow gets away from you and is coming in? You have to signal me that shes coming.
George: A signal, right, um, okay, uh, okay, the signal is, Ill call out tippy-toe!
Jerry: Tippy Toe? I dont think so.
George: You dont like tippy toe?
Jerry: No tippy toe.
George: All right, uh, okay, I got it, um, Ill sing.
Jerry: What song?
George: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
Jerry: What is that?
George: Oh, its a lovely song. (singing) How do you solve a problem like Maria?...
Jerry: Anything else?
George: You pick it.
Jerry: Lemon Tree.
George: Peter, Paul and Mary.
Jerry: No, Trini Lopez.
Jerry & George: (singing) Lemon tree, very pretty and a lemon flower...
George: Alright ok. You got the tape?
Jerry: Standard. Micro.
George: How do you feel? Confident?
Jerry: Feel good.
George: You nervous?
Jerry: Not at all.
George: Get up, get up, its her! Oh, the hell with this, Im scared to death, just walk away, its off, cancel everything, go!
Carol: Hey! What are you doing here? I thought I was supposed to call you when I got home.
George: I, I couldn't wait. I was too anxious to see you.
Carol: Oh, that's so sweet.
George: Oh, this is my friend, Jerry Seinfeld. I just bumped into him around the corner. Isn't that a coincidence? The funny thing is, I see him all the time.
Jerry: All the time.
Carol: Its nice to meet you.
Jerry: Hi.
Carol: So, Im starving. Where are we gonna eat?
George: You know, we could go uptown, and that way we could give Jerry a ride home.
Carol: Okay. Lets go, Im ready, whered you park?
George: Dont you wanna go upstairs first?
Carol: No, what for? Ill just give my bag to the doorman.
Jerry: You know, I really need to use the bathroom.
Carol: Oh well theres a bathroom in the coffee shop just next door.
George: Yes, yes, but uh, I have to make a call, so...
Carol: Well they have a phone.
George: I know Jerry. He has this phobia about public toilets. I think we really should go upstairs.
Carol: (aloud) You know, I think I will go upstairs. I can check my machine.
George: Right, right.
Carol: The bathrooms on the hall to the right.
Jerry: Uh, you know, why dont you go first, you just had a long trip.
Carol: No, Im fine.
Jerry: Um, you know, its the damnedest thing. It went away.
Carol: Oh, that's weird.
George: No, no that can happen. Ive, uh, Ive read about that in medical journals. Its a freak thing, but...
Carol: Well, let me just check my messages, and well go.
George: Uh, Carol, can I talk to you for a second? Right now?
Carol: Sure.
George: Please, this is very, very important.
George: (from other room) Uh, tippy toe! Tippy toe! Lemon tree!
Carol: (to Jerry) Now I know who you are! You're a comedian. Ive seen you, its driving me crazy.
Jerry: Right. I am.
George: Carol, that's so rude. Please, Im serious, just for a moment, if you wouldnt mind. And then well talk to Jerry.
Jerry: (calls) Hey you two. Im ready to go.
Carol: That's what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers in the pool?
George: (to Jerry) Dont you find that strange?
Jerry: Yes.
Carol: Well, Ill just check my machine and well go.
Carol: No, nothing here, lets go. (Carol, George and Jerry head for the door. Carol opens it.) Oh, I forgot to tell you. After I talked to you today my neighbour called me and played my messages to me over the phone.
George: Oh, uh...
Carol: Yours were hilarious, we were both cracking up. I just love jokes like that.
Jerry: I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didnt want to talk to, I could go, Excuse me, Im not in right now. If you would just leave a message, I could walk away. I also have a cordless phone, but I dont like that as much, because you cant slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone You cant talk to me like that! Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody on a cordless phone You cant talk to me like that!


Jerry: Well, I painted my apartment again. Ive been living in this apartment for years and years, and every time I paint it, it kinda gets me down. I look around, and I think, well, its a little bit smaller now. You know, I realize its just the thickness of the paint, but Im aware of it. It just coming in and coming in. Every-time I paint it, its closer and closer. I dont even know where the wall outlets are anymore. I just look for like a lump with two slots in it. Kinda looks like a pig is trying to push his way through from the other side. That's where I plug in. My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the Starship Enterprise. You know what I mean? Big chair, nice screen, remote control... That's why Star Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Just hurtling through space in your living room, watching TV. That's why all the aliens were always dropping in, because Kirk was the only one that had the big screen. They came over Friday nights, Klingon boxing, gotta be there.
Jerry: What did you do?
Kramer: Mousse. I moussed up.
Elaine: I guess it was just a matter of time.
Kramer: You know, I should've done this years ago. I mean, I feel like I've had two lives. My pre-mousse. And now, I begin my post-mousse. Hey, tell me the truth, have you ever seen a better looking guy?
Jerry: Well, looks are so subjective.
Elaine: I dont mean to interrupt or anything, but on Sunday, my friend is having a brunch for the New York Marathon.
Kramer: (annoyed that he forgot) Oh, I keep forgetting to enter that!
Elaine: She lives right above First Avenue, says she has a perfect view of the race. And she said I can invite some friends.
Jerry: Maybe.
Harold: (O.S.) No, Im not going up there.
Jerry: (to Elaine) Harold and Manny.
Harold: Im not going.
Jerry: Boys, boys.
Harold: Oh, Jerry.
Jerry: I slid the rent under your door, Harold. Did you get it?
Harold: Yeah, yeah... Hey, Jerry, would you like anything from Mrs. Hudwalkers apartment?
Manny: (in Spanish) You can't give him anything from there!
Harold: I was only joking. (to Jerry) He thinks Im gonna give you Mrs. Hudwalkers things.
Manny: (in Spanish) You offered them to him.
Harold: (to Jerry) We have to go up there now and clean the apartment. Its a good thing her rent was overdue. Shed be rotting up there for a month.
Jerry: She died? Mrs. Hudwalker died?
Harold: Ninety-four years old. I found her yesterday. She didnt have her wig on. It was horrifying.
Manny: (in Spanish) Harold, Come on, hurry up!
Harold: (to Manny) Whats the matter with you? Im talking! So, Jerry, you know anyone who needs an apartment?
Jerry: Are you kidding? You know my friend Elaine?
Harold: Oh yeah, I like her. She always says hello to me.
Jerry: Its not promised to anybody? Cause shed take it in a second.
Harold: Well, Manny wanted it for his brother, but he got deported.
Manny: (in spanish) What do you mean deported? It was a misunderstanding with the Department of Immigration.
Harold: Whats the difference? Its true!
Jerry: So, its okay? I could just tell her she can have it?
Harold: Sure, sure. Shes getting a bargain, too. Its only four hundred dollars a month.
Manny: (in Spanish) Four hundred dollars? What are you nuts? Someone will pay more.
Harold: Okay...
Harold: Okay!
Kramer: Hey, Harold, what do you think?
Harold: Manny, look. Kramer put mousse in his hair.
Manny: (in Spanish) It looks worse.
Kramer: (not understanding him) Hey, thanks.
Elaine: What was that all about?
Jerry: (coyly) Oh, nothing important.
Elaine: Whats going on? What is that look?
Jerry: What look? Nothing.
Elaine: Somethings going on here.
Jerry: I dont know if you should sit for this or not. Sitting is good if you faint, but standing is good for jumping up and down. I cant decide.
Elaine: Jumping up and down? What are you talking about? Cmon. Cough it up.
Jerry: Oh, Elaine. You know the way I am rarely ever thinking of myself. My only concern is the welfare and happiness of those close to me. Sure, it hurts sometimes to give, and give, and give...
Elaine: Would you please?
Jerry: What would you say if I told you that...
Elaine: Told me what?!
Jerry: ...I got you an apartment in this building.
Elaine: (dumbfounded) No.
Jerry: Yes.
Elaine: No.
Jerry: Yes.
Elaine: You didnt.
Jerry: I did.
Elaine: You got me an apartment in the building?!
Jerry: I got you an apartment in the building.
Elaine: How did you...
Jerry: Remember Mrs. Hudwalker? The ninety-four-year-old woman who lived above me?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: She died.
Elaine: (thrilled) She died?!
Jerry: She died.
Elaine: She died!
Jerry: And the rent is only four hundred dollars a month!
Elaine: Get out!
Elaine: Four hundred a month? Only four hundred a month?!
Jerry: Four hundred a month.
Elaine: And Ill be right upstairs?
Jerry: Right upstairs.
Elaine: Right above you?
Jerry: Right above me.
Elaine: Oh, were neighbors. Ill be here all the time!
Jerry: All the time.
Elaine: (overly excited) We can exchange keys so we can come in and out. Oh, this is going to be great!
Jerry: All the time.
Jerry: The problem with talking is that nobody stops you from saying the wrong thing. I think life would be a lot better if it was like you're always making a movie. You mess up, somebody just walks on the set, and stops the whole shot. You know what I mean? Think of the things you wish you could take back. You're out somewhere with people, Gee, you look pregnant.. are you? Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, that's not gonna work at all. Walk out the door, and come back in. Lets take this whole scene again. People, think about what you're saying!
George: Thanks, see you later, Donna.
George: What happened to you?
Jerry: You cant believe what I just did.
George: What? What did you do?
Jerry: I could tell you what I did, but you wouldnt believe it. Its not believable.
George: What did you do?
Jerry: How could I have done that?
George: Done what?
Jerry: I told Elaine about an apartment opening up in my building. Shes going to move in.
George: Elaines moving into your building?
Jerry: Yes. Right above me.
George: Right above you?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: You're gonna be neighbors.
Jerry: I know. Neighbors.
George: Shes right above you?
Jerry: Right above me.
George: How could you do that?
Jerry: Cause Im an idiot! You may think you're an idiot, but with all due respect, Im a much bigger idiot than you are.
George: Dont insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking to. No ones a bigger idiot than me.
Jerry: Did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building?
George: Did you ever go to a singles weekend in the Poconos?
Jerry: Shes right in my building! Right above me! Every time I come in the building, Im gonna have to sneak around like a cat burglar.
George: You're doomed. You're gonna have to have all your sex at womens apartments. Itll be like a permanent road trip. Forget about the home bed advantage.
Jerry: But I need the home bed advantage.
George: Of course. We all do.
Jerry: Come in for two minutes and sit with me.
George: I was just in there. Its embarrassing.
Jerry: Oh, whos gonna know?
George: They saw me walk out.
Jerry: Two minutes.
Jerry: My censoring system broke down. You know that little guy in your head who watches everything you say? Makes sure you dont make a mistake? He went for a cup of coffee. And in that second ruined my life.
George: My censor quit two years ago. He checked into a clinic. Emotionally exhausted.
Jerry: So, is there any way out of this Elaine thing?
George: Tough.
Jerry: You know, the water pressures terrible in my building. And she loves a good shower.
George: I never heard of anyone would turned down an apartment because of a weak shower spray.
Jerry: If they were fanatic about showers, they might.
George: For that rent, shed take a bath in the toilet tank if she had to.
Jerry: Look at that woman feeding her baby greasy, disgusting, coffee shop corned beef hash. Isn't that child abuse?
George: Id like to have a kid. Of course, you have to have a date first... Remember my friend, Adam, from Detroit?
Jerry: Yeah, the guy with the flat head.
George: Hes a cube. Anyway, he got married six months ago. He told me ever since hes been wearing a wedding band, women have been coming on to him everywhere he goes.
Jerry: Yeah, Ive heard that about wedding bands.
George: I wonder if that's really true.
Jerry: That would be an interesting sociological experiment. You know, Kramer has his fathers band. Hed loan it to you.
George: Thanks a lot. Ill give it back to you in a week.
Kramer: You know, I dont even know why you're fooling around with this ring. Ive been telling you, get yourself some plugs. Or a piece.
George: Im not doing that.
Kramer: Oh, man. You know, you're crazy. You're a good looking guy. What do you want to walk around like that for?
George: No, Ill put half a can of mousse in my head like you.
Harold: I told you I dont like these sponges, they're too small! I want a big sponge!
Harold: You cant pick up anything with these! Theres no absorption!
Jerry: Boys, boys.
Harold: Hi, Jerry.
Manny: Hello, Jerry. (in spanish to Harold) You tell him.
Harold: Okay
Manny: (in spanish to Harold again) You tell him.
Harold: Your friend cant have the apartment, Jerry.
Jerry: What?
Harold: Because somebody offered Manny five thousand dollars for the apartment. I dont want to do it. Manny wants to do it.
Manny: (in spanish) Why are you telling him it's my fault?
Harold: Because its true! Why shouldn't I tell him?
Jerry: Hey, hey. I understand. You're businessmen.
Manny: (in spanish) Tell him that if his friend can come up with the same money then she can have the apartment.
Harold: Oh, now, he says that if your friend has five thousand dollars, well give it to her.
Jerry: Well, that's a lot of money. But, if that's the way its gotta be, that's the way its gotta be.
Jerry: You know, I used to think that the universe is a random, chaotic sequence of meaningless events, but I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things.
George: What happened to you?
Jerry: Religion, my friend, that's what happened to me. Because, I have just been informed that its going to cost Elaine the sum of five thousand dollars to get the apartment upstairs.
George: (jubilant) Five thousand dollars? She doesnt have five thousand dollars!
Jerry: Of course she doesnt have five thousand dollars!
George: So, she cant get the apartment.
Jerry: Cant get it.
George: So, she doesnt move in.
Jerry: No move. So, you see, its all part of a divine plan.
George: And how does the baldness fit into that plan?
Jerry: (to the intercom) Elaine?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: (to George) All right, this is going to require some great acting now. I have to pretend Im disappointed. You're going to really see me being a phony, now. I hope you can take this. Maybe you should go in the other room.
George: Are you kidding? I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham!
Jerry: Cause you know, I love Elaine.
George: Of course you do.
Jerry: But you know... not in the building. Really, I feel terrible about this. My intentions were good. What can I do? Tell me.
Elaine: (to someone in the hallway) No, Ill be seeing you. (She enters the apartment; singing) "Good morning, good morning.. (to Jerry and George) Have you ever gotten up in the morning and felt its great to be alive? That every breath is a gift of sweet life from above?
Elaine: Oh, and before I forget, I have the checks for the first month, last months security deposit. (laughs) I have seventy-five dollars left in my account.
Jerry: Well... theres a little bit of a problem.
Elaine: Oh, I know. Theres a weak shower spray, I know. Ive already thought about it, and Im switching to baths. As Winston Churchill said, Why stand when you can sit? Maybe Ill get some rubber duckies.
Jerry: Uh, no uh, someone offered Harold and Manny five thousand for the apartment. Im sure theyd just as soon give it to you, but youd have to come up with that money.
Elaine: Five thousand dollars? I dont have five thousand dollars.
Jerry: I know.
Elaine: (disappointed) How am I going to get five thousand dollars?
Jerry: I have no idea.
Kramer: (to Elaine) Hey, my new neighbor!
Elaine: Im not moving in.
Kramer: What?
Elaine: They want five thousand dollars now.
Kramer: So, okay uh whats the problem?
Elaine: I dont have five thousand dollars.
Kramer: Cmon, you can come up with five thousand dollars. (to Jerry) Jerry, you dont have five thousand dollars you can led her? Come on.
Jerry: Yeah, well, I didnt- Is that something you want to borrow?
Elaine: No, that's too much money to borrow.
Kramer: Loan her the money. You can afford it.
Jerry: She doesnt wanna borrow the money.
Kramer: Oh, cmon. Shell pay you back. Whats five grand between friends?
Elaine: Of course Id pay you back..
Kramer: Yeah, so whats the problem?
Jerry: Who said theres a problem?
Kramer: Hey see He said hed loan you the money.
Elaine: Well Jerry, it might take a while for me to pay you back. Maybe a few years. How do you feel about that?
Kramer: That's okay. He doesnt care.
Elaine: Well, you know, money can sometimes come between friends.
Kramer: Get outta here.
Elaine: Let me think about it.
Kramer: Whats to think about?
Elaine: I dont know... I dont know. Five thousand... let me just take one more look at it.
Jerry: (to Kramer) It was all over! Taken care of. Done! Finished. Five thousand. Wheres she gonna get five thousand? She doesnt have five thousand. Clean. Good bye. Shes gone. Then you come in, Why dont you loan her five thousand? What do you care? You've got five thousand. Give her five thousand!
Kramer: You didnt want her in the building?
Jerry: No, I didnt!
Kramer: Well, then what did you loan her the five thousand for? Oh, look, maybe she wont take it. I mean, she did say that she was gonna think about it.
Jerry: People dont turn down money. Its what separates us from the animals.
Kramer: I still dont understand what the problem is having her in the building.
Jerry: Let me explain something to you. You see, you're not normal. You're a great guy, I love you, but you're a pod. I, on the other hand, am a human being. I sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. You wouldnt understand.
Kramer: Because Im a pod?
Elaine: Ill take it!
Roxanne: Hi, Elaine.
Elaine: Oh, hi, Roxanne. Nice to be here. These are my friends. This is George, and this is Jerry.
Jerry: Hi
Elaine: Jerrys the one who got me my new apartment.
Roxanne: So, you're Elaines hero.
Jerry: Yes, its my lifes work.
Roxanne: There are so few true heroes left in this world.
George: Yeah, my wife couldn't make it today. Shes got something with her mother... Who knows whats going on with her. Dont let any one kid you, its tough.
Jerry: Well, better load up on some carbos before the race.
Roxanne: Oh, the marathon is great, isn't it?
Jerry: Oh, yes. Particularly if you're not in it.
Roxanne: I wish we had a view of the finish line.
Jerry: Whats to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya, and twenty thousand losers.
George: ...yeah, my wife started getting on me about the lawn today. Im tellin you, its one thing after another.
Rita: Is she here?
George: Uh no no, shes working.
Rita: What does she do?
George: Shes an... etymologist. You know, bees, flies, gnats. W-What about you?
Rita: I work for the Director of Madison Square Garden. Its great! I can get free tickets to any sporting in New York. Anyway, shes a very luck woman. Enjoy the race.
George: (calling after her) But..
Roxanne: Hi Stan. Joanne.
Elaine: Jerry, this is Joanne, and this is Stan. They're in my short story class with Roxanne and me.
Jerry: Hi how are ya?
Elaine: Hey, Jerry just got me a great apartment in his building!
Joanne: Well, Jerry, itll be nice having a close friend nearby.
Jerry: (no amused) Fantastic.
Stan: She can pop in whenever she wants.
Jerry: I know.
Joanne: She doesnt even need to knock!
Jerry: Its tremendous.
Stan: Anytime of day.
Jerry: Im in heaven.
Elaine: Oh, Rita come here. This is Jerry. Hes the one who got me the apartment.
Rita: Oh, hi. (calling to someone) Bob, this is the guy who got Elaine the apartment.
George: Im sorry, I dont see the big deal about being a matador. The bull charges, you move the cape, whats so hard?
Susie: So uh, are you really married? Because, Ive actually heard of single guys who wear wedding bands to attract women.
George: (laughs) Youd have to be a real loser to try something like that.
Susie: That's too bad, because I really have a thing for bald guys with glasses.
Rita: Hey everybody! Here come the runners!
Elaine: (to Jerry) So you and Roxanne are hitting it off, huh?
Jerry: Oh, I wouldnt quite say that.
Elaine: Really? From a distance, you seemed to be coming on to her.
Jerry: Im a guy it always looks like that.
Elaine: Because, I was thinking... are you at all concerned that living in the same building will, yknow... cramp our styles?
Jerry: Nah...
Elaine: Because, I was worried that there might be a situation in which one of us come home with somebody, it could get a little uncomfortable. But, as long as you're okay with it, its fine with me.
Janice: Ive never been able to be with just one person. I can, however, carry on strictly physical relationships which can last for years and years. Its a shame you're married.
George: Umm, Im not. Its just a sociological experiment!
Janice: Please...
Jerry: You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didnt take it. (pointing to himself) This is an idiot.
George: Is that right? I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex, and floor seats for ever sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza Lord of the Idiots!
Roxanne: (yelling out the window) You're all winners!
George: But suddenly, a new contender has emerged...
Jerry: George, I didnt sleep at all last night. I decided I have to tell her. Im just going to be honest. That's all... Yes, Im nervous... Are you listening to me?... Just put some soap on your finger. Itll slide right off... Then try axle grease... (Kramer enters; to the phone) Ill call you back after I talk to her... Bye.
Kramer: Well, its all taken care of. Everythings cool.
Jerry: What? Whats cool?
Kramer: Elaine.
Jerry: What are you talking about?
Kramer: I just found a guy whos willing to pay ten thousand dollars for the apartment.
Jerry: You what?! Get out! (pushes Kramer) Ten thousand?
Kramer: Cash.
Jerry: Who would pay that much?
Kramer: Hes in the music business.
Jerry: Elaine would never borrow that much money! (Jerry hugs Kramer, then grabs him by the cheeks.) Kramer, my God, man! This is beautiful! I think Im in the clear here. Elaines not moving in. I dont have to confront her. She has no idea I never wanted her to move in. Im golden!
Kramer: Well, occasionally I like to help the humans.
Elaine: Wow. You're right. That is loud.
Jerry: Its just unbelievable.
Elaine: They rehearse all the time?
Jerry: All the time. Ive been up there six times. They refuse to stop. I cant live like this. I dont know what Im gonna do. Im heading for breakdown! (to Harold) Cant you do something?
Harold: Im not going up. It stinks up there.
Jerry: Manny...
Manny: (in Spanish) They're allowed to play until eleven oclock!
Harold: Im not the one who said eleven oclock. He makes up his own rules.
Elaine: Boy, too bad. If I was up there, youd never hear a peep out of me. Im as quiet as a mouse.
Kramer: Oh, I love the one they do right after this one! (Starts dancing)
Jerry: I dont know. What do you do when a neighbor is making, like, a lot of noise at three oclock in the morning? I mean, can you knock on someones door and tell them to keep it down? You're really altering your whole self-image. I mean, what am I, Fred Mertz now? Whats happening to me? Can I do this? Am I a shusher? I used to be a shushee. Theres a lot of shushing going on in movie theaters. People are always shushing. Shh... shh... shhh... shhh... Doesnt work, cause nobody knows where a shush is coming from. They just hear a shh. Was that a shush? I think somebody just shushed me. Some people you cant shush in a movie theater. Theres always that certain group of people, isn't it? They're talking and talking, and everyone around them is shushing them, and shushing them. They wont shush. They're the unshushables.