George: Where'd you meet her?
Jerry: I met her on an elevator.
George: On an elevator? You met a woman on an elevator?
Jerry: Impossible, right?
George: You got less than sixty seconds. That's like dismantling a time bomb. What got into you?
Jerry: I don't know. She was so beautiful, it was like a pure reflex. The words just came out of my mouth.
George: Wow. What'd you say?
Jerry: You know, I'm the one responsible for those crop circles in England.
George: Wow.
Jerry: Can you believe I did that?
George: What did she say?
Isabel: What crop circles?
Jerry: Not a good sign.
George: Not everybody knows what the crop circles are. (to the newsstand owner) Do you know what the crop circles are?
Newsstand Owner: Crop circles? Why don't you buy something?
Jerry: You got something in your teeth there.
George: What?
Jerry: It's green.
George: Oh, man, it's spinach! I've been walking around like this all afternoon.
Jerry: Did you bump into anybody you knew?
George: I had a job interview.
Jerry: How'd it go?
George: Take a guess.
Interviewer: Well, Mr. Costanza, we have nothing available at the present time, but should anything open up, we'll be in touch.
George: Ok, thanks.
Jerry: What do you need a job, you got Audrey.
George: Yeah, right.
Jerry: What's the matter?
George: Oh, nothing.
Jerry: What?
George: You won't think I'm a bad person?
Jerry: Too late for that.
George: 'Cause believe me, I would only say this to you and maybe a psychiatrist, maybe. Well, her nose is a little big.
Jerry: Yeah, she's got a big nose.
George: I mean, big would even be ok, a little beyond big.
Jerry: It's a schnoz.
George: Now, I'm aware that my own physical dimensions are perhaps a little short of perfection.
Jerry: A little.
George: So who am I to be thinking about someone's nose? I mean, I should be grateful someone like her even looks at me. I have no job, nothing. But I have to say, I think about the nose. I don't want to think about the nose. I don't ask to think about the nose, but I think about it. I go to bed at night, I tell myself, 'Don't think about the nose, forget the nose,' but I think about it. I look at her, I see nose.
Jerry: Stop being so concerned with looks.
Jerry: Have you said anything to her about it?
George: I could never do that. You know the ironic thing is if she had a smaller nose, I never could have gone out with her in the first place. She'd be out of my league with a smaller nose. And I really like her, I know that. And I know one other thing. I'm not getting past that nose.
Jerry: Alright, shut up, here they come.
George: (waving) How can I not think about it? Look at the size of this thing.
Kramer: So my mother's going out with this guy who leaves a jacket in her house so, you know, she gives it to me. Well, two years later he shows up and he takes it back. And now he's in prison. He got arrested for mail fraud. So Elaine, all you have to do is go over to the apartment, tell the landlord that you're his daughter and you want to bring him the jacket in prison.
Elaine: Won't the landlord know I'm not the daughter?
Kramer: No no, he's never met her. She's in California.
Elaine: Are you coming with me?
Kramer: Oh, yeah yeah, I have to. I'm your fianc, Peter Von Nostrand.
George: Why don't you just commit yourself already?
Audrey: What is so special about this jacket?
Elaine: He believes it possesses some extraordinary power over women.
Audrey: What's the smudge on your hand?
Kramer: Oh, I got stamped at the reggae lounge last night. Yeah, I'm going back there tonight, you know, I'm not gonna pay another cover charge.
George: What, you didn't wash all day?
Kramer: Yeah, I washed, just not the hand. You wouldn't believe the women at this club. Ohh, man.
Audrey: It's amazing how many beautiful women live in New York. I actually find it kind of intimidating.
Kramer: Well, you're as pretty as any of them, you just need a nose job.
Elaine: Kramer!
Kramer: What? What?
Elaine: How could you say something like that?!
Kramer: What? What do you mean? I just said she needs a nose job.
Elaine: No no, there's nothing wrong with her nose! I'm so sorry, Audrey.
Audrey: No, it's ok.
Elaine: What did you have to say that for?
Kramer: Well, I was just trying to help out.
Elaine: Yeah? Well, you can kiss that jacket goodbye, Mr. Von Nozzin.
Kramer: You see what happens when you try to be nice?
Audrey: Elaine said I could stay with her another month until Tina gets back. What are you thinking about?
George: Thinking? Nothing. What could I possibly be thinking?
Audrey: You look like you've got something on your mind.
George: Oh, yeah, right. I wish I had something on my mind. (pregnant pause) So how about that Kramer, huh?
Audrey: How about him?
George: They way he just says stuff.
Audrey: He sure does.
George: Yeah. Yeah, he's quite a character.
Audrey: So, what did you think?
George: About the pizza?
Audrey: No, about the nose job.
George: Oh, the nose job. I don't know, what did you think?
Audrey: Well, I've thought about it, but I don't know.
George: Yeah. (another pause) Not that I care, one way or the other, but these doctors today really do amazing things, you know, if you were so inclined. And again, I'm not suggesting.
Audrey: I know, they're good.
George: Peter Jennings had one.
Audrey: Really?
George: Probably. They all do. In my high school, half my graduating class had them. Of course, I'm from Long Island, so...
Audrey: Uh huh.
George: It's really nothing, it's like going to the dentist.
Audrey: I hate the dentist.
George: It's a cleaning.
Audrey: So you really think I should do this?
George: If it makes you happy, I don't focus on these things. I will tell you this Unfortunately, we live in a very superficial society. I don't condone it, but it's a fact of life.
Audrey: Well, maybe I should.
George: What the hell.
Elaine: (barging in) Aw, now you talked her into getting a nose job?
George: Me? I didn't say anything.
Elaine: You encouraged her to get one.
George: I didn't encourage. No encourage.
Elaine: Peter Jennings had one?
George: It's possible.
Elaine: Well, I think you should accept her for who she is.
Audrey: No, George is right. I want to get one.
Elaine: I think it's a mistake.
George: Me too, really. Unless you'd really like to get one.
George: I'm going straight to hell, no two ways about it.
Jerry: Well, it might not be hell but you're gonna run into some bad dudes.
George: (checking his watch) Hey, let's get the check, she's taking the bandages off at four o'clock.
Jerry: We have time.
George: It's exciting, isn't it? She's gonna have a whole new face.
Jerry: It is exciting.
George: Of course, not as exciting as miss crop circles, but...
Jerry: Please, please, Isabel? She is the most despicable woman I have ever met in my life. I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win.
George: You're not letting him win. He wins till you're forty.
Jerry: Then what?
George: He still wins but it's not a blowout.
Jerry: She wants to be an actress. She makes me read these moronic acting scenes with her, and I do it because I'm so addicted to the sex, I'm helpless, I'll do anything. So finally Kramer comes in the other day.
Jerry: (holding up a piece of paper) I don't want to see this woman anymore but I haven't got the will power to throw out her number. Please, help me. Help me.
Kramer: (taking the paper and tearing it to pieces) I'm proud of you.
Jerry: So I'm never gonna see her again, I'm going cold turkey.
George: Good for you.
Jerry: I'll tell you, the sex... I mean, I was like an animal. I mean it was just completely uninhibited.
George: It's like going to the bathroom in front of a lot of people and not caring.
Jerry: It's not like that at all.
Elaine: How do you even know the jacket is there?
Kramer: Well I don't, I'm guessing.
George: Okay, look, Audrey, before you take the bandage off just remember that I was the one that encouraged you to do this, you know? Now that you're gonna be a great beauty, let's not forget how this all began. You know, like if you'd listened to your friend, Elaine,
Audrey: George?
George: Yeah?
Audrey: Enough.
Jerry: Alright, are we ready? Come on, let's get this show on the road.
Elaine: Are you sure you want us here for this?
Audrey: Yes.
Jerry: Shouldn't a doctor do it?
Audrey: No, he said I could do it. Okay, here goes.
George: Very exciting, very exciting, it's like watching a birth.
Elaine: It looks good.
Jerry: Great job.
Kramer: You got butchered.
Jerry: Let's put him over here.
Kramer: (to a fleeing Audrey) Where are you going?
Audrey: (with hand covering nose) To the doctor!
Kramer: Wait, wait, wait, I'll go with you.
Elaine: How ya feeling?
George: Too much salt in my diet.
Elaine: Can I get you anything?
George: Nah, I'm good.
Elaine: You sure? Anything?
George: Mmm, no. Boy, it really didn't come out too well, did it?
Elaine: No, it didn't. No, it didn't.
George: It's like, all dented.
Elaine: Seems to be.
George: Well, I'm sure they'll be able to fix it. You can't stop modern science. Can't stop it, you can't stop it. Can't stop science. Can't be stopped, no way, no how, science just marches-
Elaine: Shut up, George.
George: Shut up?
Elaine: Yeah.
George: Interesting.
Jerry: Come on, Kramer, seriously, give me her number!
Kramer: I don't have it, I threw it out.
Jerry: You're lying! You got it, I want that number!
Kramer: I told you, I threw it out.
Jerry: Give it to me!
Kramer: You told me not to give it to you, you made me promise.
Jerry: Well, I changed my mind, I want that number.
Kramer: You said, no matter what you do or say, I'm not to give you the number.
Jerry: I was lying, give it to me!
Kramer: No, you told me not to!
Jerry: I want that number!
Kramer: Alright! (flinging pieces of torn paper to the ground) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! (Jerry falls to the floor and starts arranging pieces) Look at you! Look at what you've sunk to! Look at what you've become! Look in the mirror, cause you need help, Jerry. You need help, because I can't stand by and do it anymore. It's turning my stomach! I can't stand around here watching you destroy yourself. It's eating me up inside!
Audrey: The doctor said that they need to build the lateral wall of the septum. Over here...
George: Yeah.
Audrey: You see this perinasal sinus cavity?
George: Oh, I got it.
Audrey: You see how it's collapsing? That's what's causing this huge dent.
George: Yeah, phew.
Audrey: So anyway, George, do you know what I was thinking about?
George: What?
Audrey: Remember we talked about taking a trip together?
George: We did?
Audrey: Yeah, we talked about going to Hawaii?
George: Hawaii?
Audrey: Anyway, I think it would be great to get away after all this.
George: (removing his glasses) You know, Hawaii could be a little tricky right now, there's a lot of high pressure winds down there this time of year, there's a lot of debris constantly flying around. Wood, and uh, lava, pretty dangerous.
Audrey: I never heard that.
George: Oh yeah. My friend lived there.
Audrey: We could go to the Caribbean.
George: You know, I have to tell you something. You couldn't get me on a plane right now. I get those FAA reports directly. My uncle sends them to me, he used to be a pilot, so. Big investigation in the, uh, what's the word there, uh, offing. It's in the offing. But, you know, you shouldn't let that stop you from going. You could go. I don't mind.
Audrey: George, I don't think this is working.
Isabel: Ever since you came back from the Army, you've changed. I swear Nelson, I don't even know who you are anymore.
Jerry: I'm Nelson!
Isabel: That's not the line, Jerry.
Jerry: Alright, alright, I'm sorry. (reading) Nothing's changed, Alma, I just need more time.
Isabel: I swear, Nelson, sometimes at night, when you're not around, I just go crazy thinking about you.
Jerry: Well, you just need to relax. Maybe a hobby, bowling is fun.
Isabel: Yeah, bowling's good if you're really gross and ugly.
Jerry: (to himself Uh oh. My organs are playing chess again.
Jerry'S Brain: Well I'm getting a little tired of this. What do you say we play one for all the marbles?
Jerry'S Penis: Oh Brain, what are you doing? You cannot beat me. Do you have any idea who you're dealing with? Forget about it!
Jerry'S Brain: I can't take her anymore. I hate reading her stupid little acting scenes.
Jerry'S Penis: Oh, so what? So you read from a little play. You can't put up with that for an hour to make me happy? You're so selfish. Give me one hour, then I will take over, you will not have to think for the rest of the night.
Jerry'S Brain: What about tomorrow morning? Do you have any idea what that's like for me? Do you care? No, you don't care. So long as you get to do whatever it is you do. You disgust me.
Jerry'S Penis: Oh, go read a book.
Jerry'S Brain: Enough chatting, let's play.
Elaine: You know the only reason I'm doing this is because you took Audrey to the hospital.
Kramer: (filling a pipe) Yeah, yeah, ok, now uh, you're clear, you got everything?
Elaine: Yeah.
Kramer: Wait wait wait wait wait. (putting a ring on Elaine's finger) Here.
Elaine: What do I need this for?
Kramer: Because we're engaged.
Elaine: We're engaged?
Kramer: Um hm.
Elaine: Kramer, this is too big.
Kramer: (lighting his pipe) It's my mom's.
Landlord: Hello?
Elaine: Oh, uh, hi. I'm Wanda Pepper, I'm Albert Pepper's daughter. My father asked me to come here and pick up his jacket for him.
Landlord: Oh, hello Miss Pepper, it's a pleasure to meet you. (To Kramer) And you must be Professor Von Nostrand?
Kramer: Yes, yes I am.
Landlord: I've read your book, Professor, and I was quite intrigued by it.
Kramer: Uh, yes. Well, it's, uh, very intriguing.
Landlord: Tell me, is it your contention that Shakespeare was an imposter?
Kramer: My contention?
Landlord: Yes, your contention.
Kramer: Yes, that's my contention.
Elaine: I heard him contend that.
Landlord: It's too bad about your father.
Elaine: Oh, it was a frame-up.
Landlord: A fine man, he spoke often of you. He's very proud of the work you're doing.
Elaine: Oh, well, we're all proud of the work I'm doing.
Kramer: She does fine work.
Landlord: Your father gave me strict orders not to turn the jacket over to anyone, but I suppose I can make an exception in your case. The closet's this way.
Elaine: How kind of you.
Landlord: You know, your father has a very extensive wardrobe.
Jerry'S Brain: What's the matter, fella? You look a little tired. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Isabel: Nelson, don't you see? You are a part of me, and I, I am a part of you.
Jerry'S Penis: It's killing me. (Makes a move)
Jerry'S Brain: That's your move?
Jerry'S Penis: Yeah.
Jerry'S Brain: Well that's trouble, my friend. That's big trouble. Checkmate!
Jerry'S Penis: (beginning to cough and struggle) Getting weak... Losing power... You haven't seen the last of me. I'll be back. You're nothing without me. Nothing!
Jerry'S Brain: (before disappearing himself) Punk.
Jerry: Isabel, uh, I don't think this is working.
Elaine: Daddy certainly does have an extensive wardrobe.
Landlord: He is a fine dresser and I'm sure I don't have to tell you he's quite popular with the ladies.
Elaine: My father, really? I had no idea.
Landlord: Yes, they're crazy about him. There was one in particular, came around about two years ago, looked a lot like you, Professor. Could have been your mother. What was her name again? Carter? Kramer! That's it, Babs
Kramer: You don't say?
Elaine: I found it!
Landlord: The woman used to walk around here half naked, sucking Colt 45 from a can. Her big fat stomach hanging out, orthopedic hose up to her knees, screaming down the hall, "Come back to bed, Albert, you big hairy ape, and bring back that box of Danish!"
Kramer: So I grabbed the guy by the collar.
Elaine: Yeah, and I yelled out, Kramer! Kramer, you're killing him!"
Jerry: So I assume the jig was up.
Elaine: Yeah, pretty much.
Audrey: Hi.
Elaine: Hi!
Jerry: Hey.
Audrey: (to George) Hello.
George: (smitten) Audrey? My god, you look incredible! I can't believe it!
Audrey: (motioning to Kramer) Well, it was his doctor. He was wonderful.
Elaine: So, will I see you later tonight?
Audrey: Not sure.
Kramer: (rising and putting his arm around Audrey's shoulder) Well, I'll check you guys out later. (To Audrey) Ready?
Audrey: (holding up her hand to show the stamp) I didn't wash.
Kramer: Neither did I. We're off to the Reggae Lounge.
Elaine: (after they leave) Isn't she beautiful? Her nose is in such perfect proportion with the rest of her face. She's breathtaking! Who would have though she's like-
George: (interrupting) Elaine. Shut up.


Jerry: How did you get fleas?
George: Because my cousin's imbecile dog was rolling around outside and they got in his carpet.
Jerry: Maybe you can get yourself a little bowtie flea collar.
George: That's not funny. So, are you coming to the party?
Jerry: I'd go, but Long Island, it's so far out, it smacks of desperation. The whole party, everyone's gonna be saying to me, "You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?"
George: You know Ava's gonna be there.
Jerry: Who?
George: The nice one that works in my office.
Jerry: Nah.
George: I'll drive.
Jerry: Oh, well, now you're talking.
George: It's supposed to be a good party.
Jerry: What does that mean, good dip?
George: No, there'll be girls there.
Jerry: There's girls everywhere. I go out of my apartment, there's girls in the elevator. They're in cafeterias, subways, so what?
George: There's a hundred different things here. What's the difference between these two? (They each grab a box and check the ingredients) You got propylparabin?
Jerry: Got it.
George: You got isobutane-30?
Jerry: I got isobutane-20.
George: A-ha.
Jerry: You got sorbitant sesquioliate?
George: Got it.
Jerry: I have aloe!
George: You got aloe? I love aloe.
Jerry: Where do they make yours?
George: Jersey.
Jerry: White Plains.
Jerry: Girls. There's girls right here in the store. Look, look, there's one over there. Look, there's another one. Soon as I walk outside there'll be girls out there. What's the matter?
George: I gave her a twenty, she only gave me change for a ten.
Jerry: Are you sure? Oh boy, here we go.
George: (to the cashier) Excuse me, I gave you a twenty dollar bill and you only actually gave me change for a ten.
Cashier: You gave me a ten.
George: I'm positive I gave you a twenty.
Cashier: I know what you gave me.
George: You owe me ten dollars.
Cashier: Will you please step aside? Next?
George: Alright, let's just examine the situation for a second. Who, in this situation, would be more likely to make a mistake? Me, who had access to my wallet, knew exactly what was in there? Or you-
Cashier: You.
George: No, no, no, see you're not really listening.
Security Guard: What's the problem here?
George: No problem. There's no problem. She just owes me ten dollars, that's all.
Cashier: He's claiming short.
Security Guard: Alright, let's just take it outside.
George: Oh, so you don't believe me either?
Security Guard: Come on, let's go.
George: You haven't won. You may think you've won, but you haven't won. Do you know why? It's not over. This is not over. I'm not forgetting what's happening here. You have my ten dollars. I will get it back. Alright, don't worry. It's not over. I'm going now. Good bye. I will be back.
Elaine: Well don't stand here, let's walk in, blend in, blend in.
Jerry: No, let's survey first. Camp here.
George: (waving Eva.
Jerry: What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.
Ava: So, guess who just sold 129 West 81st.
George: Oh no you didn't. Get out, when?
Ava: Yesterday
George: I don't believe it.
Ava: Ask Mark.
George: Mark, is this true?
Jerry: Yeah, this has got disaster written all over it.
Elaine: How did I ever let you talk me into this, I must have been out of my mind.
Jerry: Now listen, let's keep an eye on each other tonight. In case one of us gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're in trouble so the other one can get us out of it.
Elaine: How old are you?
Jerry: Thirty-six. What's the signal? Howbout this? Chicken wing? No, no, no, I got a better one. Head patting.
Elaine: Whatever you want.
Guy: You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?
Jerry: Yeah, yeah I did.
Guy: So what do you do?
Jerry: (Patting his head I'm a comedian.
Guy: Are you? Lemme ask you something. Where do you get your material?
Jerry: (still Patting) I hear a voice.
Guy: What kind of voice?
Jerry: A man's voice, but he speaks in German so I have to get a translator.
Guy: How come you keep tapping your head.
Jerry: It's a nervous tic. I'm on L-Dopa.
Guy: On the other hand, you take a guy like George Washington Carver. The man devoted his whole life to the peanut. Imagine having so much passion for something.
Guy: Ya know, people tell me I'm a funny guy.
Guy: I've often wondered if he ever worked with the pecan.
Elaine: Yeah, me too.
Guy: Now is that considered a nut, because I know the cashew is a legume.
George: How's it going?
Jerry: Great, how about you?
George: I can't believe what's happening here. She hasn't taken her hands off me all night. She was always friendly around the office, but that was it.
Jerry: How do you account for this?
George: I don't know, maybe a safe fell on her head.
Jerry: Well, she obviously liked you all along.
George: No, I would have picked up on it. I can always tell when a woman likes me, they always somehow let you know. With me, they could torture me, I wouldn't tell them. If anything I'd try to make them think I don't like them, then they think, "Oh, look at this guy, he's not even looking at me, he must have something going for him."
Jerry: Anyway, I'm ready to go.
George: Now?
Jerry: If not now, when?
George: Gimme a half-hour.
Jerry: Okay, half-hour.
Guy: Peanut brittle, peanut butter, peanut oil...
Jerry: (interrupting) Can I talk to you for a second?
Elaine: Oh, excuse me. (gets up to talk with Jerry) What have you been doing, I've been smacking myself senseless. People think I'm a mental patient.
Jerry: Hey, I was dying over there.
Elaine: This guy's going off on the peanut. Now pay attention.
Ellen: Yeah, I think I've seen you in a club. You talk about a lot of everyday things, right?
Jerry: Right.
Ellen: Yeah, I remember you.
Woman: I wonder what happened to my fianc. I know he's here somewhere. Ellen? Have you seen my fianc?
Ellen: He's upstairs.
Woman: Are you going upstairs? Tell my fianc I'm looking for him. I havelost my fianc, the poor baby.
Elaine: Maybe the dingo ate your baby.
Woman: What?
Elaine: The dingo ate your baby!
Jerry: You ready?
George: Listen, I have a tremendous favor to ask.
Jerry: I do favors.
George: I think something's happening here.
Jerry: What?
George: I think she wants me to take her home.
Jerry: Wow.
George: What should I do?
Jerry: Go! What could you do?
George: What about you and Elaine?
Jerry: We'll get a ride.
George: Are you sure?
Jerry: We'll be fine, what did she say?
George: She told me she wants- (Pauses until a woman coming down the stairs passes) She told me she wants me to make love to her.
Jerry: What? She said that?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Get out of here.
George: I swear.
Jerry: What did you say?
George: I, I, I can't.
Jerry: What did you say?
George: Please, it's-
Jerry: What?
George: I... I... I long for you.
Jerry: I long for you?
George: I was so shocked I was lucky I said anything.
Jerry: It's okay, that's not bad.
George: I don't like when a woman says, 'Make love to me', it's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.
Jerry: Really?
George: That's a lot of pressure. Make love to me. What am I, in the circus? What if I can't deliver?
Jerry: Oh, come on.
George: I can't perform under pressure. That's why I never play anything for money, I choke. I could choke tonight. And she works in my office, can you imagine? She goes around telling everyone what happened? Maybe I should cancel, I have a very bad feeling about this.
Jerry: George, you're thinking too much.
George: I know, I know, I can't stop it!
Elaine: Well, right now I'm reading manuscripts for Pendant Publishing.
Jerry: (walking up) Pendant? Those bastards.
Elaine: Excuse me.
Jerry: Listen, George is going home with this Ava from his office
Elaine: Really? Huh. What a world. So we can go now?
Jerry: Uh, no, he's taking the car.
Elaine: Well, what are we gonna do for a ride?
Jerry: I don't know.
Elaine: You don't know?
Jerry: Maybe Kramer can come pick us up.
Elaine: Oh great, oh, this is great. How could you let him take the car?
Jerry: There's nothing I could do, it's part of the code.
Elaine: (noticing Ava in a fur) Oh look at that. Look at what she's wearing. You see what she's wearing?
Jerry: Yeah, yeah, alright.
Elaine: I can't believe she's walking around in that.
Jerry: Just don't make a scene.
Elaine: Hey, is that real fur?
Jerry: Oh boy.
Ava: It better be or my ex-husband owes me an explanation.
George: Yeah, good night.
Elaine: You don't care that innocent defenseless animals are being tortured so that you can look good?
George: Could we talk about this some other time?
Ava: Are you a vegetarian?
Jerry: Here we go.
Elaine: Yeah, I eat fish occasionally.
Ava: So you're a hypocrite.
George: Hey, I've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect. Anyway-
Ava: Well, talk to me when you stop eating fish.
Elaine: Fish don't feel any pain.
Ava: How do you know? Do you communicate with fish?
Elaine: Well, they're not kept in little cages.
Ava: Ever seen a goldfish?
George: Goldfish.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah I've seen goldfish. They're not unhappy.
Ava: Oh yeah, right. Swim around in a bowl for two weeks and get flushed down the toilet, that's a good life. (To George) Let's go.
Elaine: Oh yeah, that's right. Go ahead, go ahead, maybe you can run over a squirrel!
George: That's why we're here in America.
Jerry: You're beautiful.
Elaine: Call Kramer.
Jerry: Alright. (Approaches host) Excuse me, this is your party, right?
Steve: No, I just live here.
Jerry: Can I use your phone?
Steve: What's in it for me?
Jerry: A bigger bill?
Steve: He he, go for it.
Jerry: Krame? Sein. What are you doing? Well, I'm stuck out here on Long Island. What are your thoughts about taking a ride? You sure? Okay, but don't leave me hanging here. Okay, great. Let me give you directions.
Elaine: You sure you don't need any help?
Jenny: No, not really.
Jerry: I'm sure he'll be here any minute.
Jenny: (To Steve) I want them out of here.
Elaine: Call him again.
Jerry: I called, what should I do? (To Jenny) We really appreciate this.
Jenny: (To Steve) It's two o'clock in the morning.
Jerry: (noticing a coffee table book) Oh, you got the Civil War book. I saw some of that show, it was wonderful.
Elaine: Six hundred and twenty million people died.
Jerry: Thousand.
Elaine: Thousand. Six hundred and twenty thousand. The horror, the horror. (To Jerry) The wife keeps giving us dirty looks. Are you sure you gave him the right directions?
Jerry: Yes. (To Jenny) You're sure there's nothing we can do?
Jenny: No! (To Steve) I am not going to bed with them in our house, this is ridiculous.
Jerry: You know a friend of my father's used to live right around here. Mike Wichter. He sold plastic straws. You know the ones? You could bend them.
Elaine: Have you noticed, people don't use straws as much as they used to for some reason.
Jenny: You know, it doesn't look as if your friend is coming.
Jerry: Oh, he's coming.
Jenny: Maybe you should take a look at a train schedule.
Jerry: That's him.
Jenny: I'm going to bed!
Elaine: Thanks a lot.
Jerry: Thanks, great party.
Kramer: Hey, how ya doing?
Steve: Ah, look who's here.
Kramer: I'm sorry.
Jerry: Hey, it's okay.
Kramer: I had the directions on the seat right next to me, they flew out the window.
Elaine: Then how did you find the place?
Kramer: Well I knew the exit on the Long Island Expressway, and I thought that the address was 8713 Riviera Drive. Uh uh, so I drove around knocking on everybody's doors that had those numbers; 8317, 7813, 3718, 1837, whoo. Finally, I hit it. 8173.
Jerry: Anyway, thanks a lot for letting us stay here, Steve, I really owe you one.
Steve: No problem.
Jerry: And if you're ever in the city, you know, you want to come to a comedy club, whatever.
Steve: Hey, I might take you up on that.
Jerry: (writing) Here's my address and number. And really, thanks again.
Kramer: (to Elaine) You better zip up. I couldn't get the top on the convertible up.
Elaine: But it's cold out.
Kramer: Yeah, wait till we get on the Expressway.
Jerry: George, I've been sick all week. Elaine was too. Eighty miles an hour, forty degree temperature for fifty minutes. Do the math. Yeah, maybe I will get out. Hey, let me just stop off at the drug store first. Okay, meet me down there in fifteen minutes then we'll go do something. Yeah, Selwyn's. Okay bye.
Jerry: Who is it?
Voice: Mr. Pocatello.
Jerry: Who?
Voice: You mean you don't recognize my voice?
Steve: Jerry, baby!
Jerry: Do I know you?
Steve: Boy this comedy's really frying your brain.
Jerry: I'm sorry, uh-
Steve: See, this is the kind of lasting impression I make on people.
Jerry: Oh, okay.
Steve: You said if I was ever in the city, I'm in the city.
Jerry: You certainly are. What's going on?
Steve: I'm just waiting for a lift back to the island, he won't be ready until eleven, so I figured I'd give you a break. I thought I'd see what it was like to hang out with someone in show business.
Jerry: Listen, I'm really sorry but I'm just on my way out to meet a friend.
Steve: Oh, come on, you can come up with something better than that.
Jerry: No, really, I just got off the phone with him.
Steve: I understand.
Jerry: Look, you can hang out here if you want.
Steve: Don't be so enthusiastic.
Jerry: No, it's-
Steve: I'm not gonna steal anything.
Jerry: No, of course not, just close the door when you leave.
Steve: I think I can do that.
Jerry: Really, I'm sorry. Maybe another time.
Steve: Yeah. Let's have lunch.
Jerry: They guy's in my house right now. What a mistake that party was, I never should have gone.
George: Yeah, me either.
Jerry: Oh, come on.
George: What come on? Have you ever dated a woman that worked in your office?
Jerry: I've never had a job.
George: You know the anxiety you feel on a date? That's what I have every day now. My worst nightmare's come true, every day is a date.
Jerry: That's one of Dante's nine stages of hell, isn't it?
George: Ava was one of the reasons I used to like going to work, she was a friend. Now we sleep together and suddenly, I don't know how to talk to her. Every time I go to the bathroom I pass her desk. I have to plan little patter. I spend half my day writing. Then afterwards, I sit in my office and analyze how it went. If it was a good conversation, I don't go to the bathroom for the rest of the day. I see her laughing and talking with other people, they're all so loose and relaxed, I think, 'that used to be me. I want to go back there again.'
Jerry: What are you gonna do?
George: I have no choice, I'm quitting.
Kramer: The party, Long Island?
Steve: Kramer, right?
Kramer: Hey, what are you doing here?
Steve: I'm waiting for my ride.
Kramer: Where's Jerry?
Steve: He split. Let me ask you something. Is there anything to drink in here or is that, like, a stupid question?
Kramer: Well, Jerry, he doesn't have anything. (Sensing Steve's disappointment) Well, but I might have something.
Jerry: Alright, I'm gonna get this. This looks good.
George: How much is that?
Jerry: Nine sixty.
George: Nine sixty? Give it to me.
Jerry: Why?
George: Don't worry, I got it.
Jerry: What do you mean, you got it?
George: I got it.
Jerry: Since when are you treating me to medicine? What are you doing? You're stealing this, aren't you?
George: I'm not stealing it. They owe me ten dollars. They stole from me.
Jerry: You're a lunatic.
George: I have to do this, it's a matter of honor.
Jerry: What do you say to a person like you?
George: Just walk.
Jerry: Oh.
Security Guard: Scuse me. What do you got there?
George: What?
Security Guard: What do you got in your shirt?
George: Oh, I was gonna pay for this.
Security Guard: (grabbing George by the elbow and walking him to the counter) Come with me.
George: (nervous) Where are you taking me? I was gonna pay for it.
Cashier: um-hmm.
Security Guard: You don't think I remember you?
George: (more nervous) What are you talking about?
Security Guard: I know who you are, I was watching you.
George: (panicky) What are you gonna do? Are you gonna call the police?
Jerry: Can I still buy this or is this evidence now?
Kramer: So, I'm chasing these doves down the street and she's screaming at the top of her lungs, and then when the magician comes back from Europe, two of them turned brown! Well I followed the instructions!
Steve: (hysterical) Ah, they turned brown!! Brown!! (the laughter winds down) So let me ask you something, you know any women we could call?
Kramer: Not really.
Steve: Maybe we should call one of those escort services. I saw one of them advertised before on the cable station.
Kramer: (handing Steve the phone) 555-LOVE.
Steve: Hey, you want in on this?
Kramer: No, I got a girl in the next building
Voice: Now I want my money, mister, and I ain't leaving until I get it. Now I am through playing games with you, I got things to do.
Steve: (drunk and slurring) Oh Jerry! Jerry! Look who's here, it's Jerry
Jerry: What the hell?
Steve: Jerry, this is Patti.
Jerry: Nice to meet you.
Patti: It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, I'm sure.
Jerry: What the hell is going on here?
Steve: I don't know, but I gotta do this more often. (The buzzer goes off) Ooh, there's my ride, finally.
Patti: I'm not gonna go anywhere until I get the rest of my money.
Steve: See ya, Jerr. And tell Kramer thanks and I'll call him tomorrow.
Jerry: Oh, Kramer huh?
Steve: Yeah, he's a hoot. Oh, goodbye, my dear. (trying to kiss Patti's hand as she pulls it away) Ouch. (To Jerry) Weekend of the 26th, come on out, we're having another party.
Patti: I ain't leaving.
Jerry: Patti?
Patti: You got anything to drink?
Jerry: Alright, how much does he owe you?
Patti: Fifty dollars.
Jerry: (taking out his wallet and handing over bills grudgingly) Fifty dollars.
Cop: This your apartment?
Jerry: Yeah, but-
Cop: You're under arrest for solicitation of prostitution.
Jerry: Wait a second, I-
Elaine: I brought you chicken soup. (To Patti) Is that real fur?
Jerry & Cop: Oh boy.
George: You had Sgt. Chadway? Me too.
Jerry: He was a nice guy.
George: Oh, great guy.
Jerry: Was there a red-headed guy there?
George: The one with the long sideburns?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Where does he come off?
Jerry: Yeah, I know. There's no call for that kind of attitude.
George: One of the guys in my cell threw a piece of gum at him.
Jerry: Oh, we all hated him.


Jerry: Do you believe this? The car was parked right out front.
George: Was the alarm on?
Jerry: I don't know, I guess it was on. I don't know my alarm sound; I'm not tuned in to it like it's my son.
George: I don't understand, how do these thieves start the car?
Jerry: They cross the wires or something.
George: Cross the wires? I can't even make a pot of spaghetti.
Jerry: They stole my car.
Kramer: Who did?
Jerry: They did.
Kramer: Was it more than just one?
Jerry: What should I do, should I call the police?
Kramer: What are they gonna do?
Jerry: I'd better call the car phone company, cancel my service.
George: Maybe you should call your car phone.
Jerry: Yeah, he's probably driving it right now.
George: Wait a minute, call the car phone, see what happens.
Jerry: Are you serious?
George: Yeah, go ahead, call.
Jerry: I don't even know if I remember the number.
Jerry: What do I say if he picks up?
Car Thief: Hello?
Jerry: Hello? Is this 555-8383?
Car Thief: I have no idea.
Jerry: Can I ask you a question?
Car Thief: Sure.
Jerry: Did you steal my car?
Car Thief: Yes I did.
Jerry: You did?!
Car Thief: I did.
Jerry: That's my car!
Car Thief: I didn't know it was yours.
Jerry: What are you gonna do with it?
Car Thief: I dunno, drive around.
Jerry: Then can I have it back?
Car Thief: Mmmm, nah, I'm gonna keep it.
Kramer: Hello?
Car Thief: Yeah, who's this?
Kramer: Kramer.
Car Thief: Hello, Kramer.
Kramer: Listen, there's a pair of gloves in the glove compartment.
Car Thief: Wait, hold on... Brown ones?
Kramer: Yeah. Listen, could you mail those to me? Or bring them by my building, it's 129 West 81st St.
Car Thief: One-two-nine, okay.
Kramer: Thanks a lot, uh here's Jerry.
Jerry: (derisively at Kramer) Gloves. (Into the phone) Hello?
Car Thief: Jerry?
Jerry: Yeah, let me ask you a question. How do you cross those wires?
Car Thief: I didn't cross any wires, the keys were in it.
Jerry: Sid left the keys in the car. Alright, I gotta go. Drive carefully.
Car Thief: Jerry, when's the last time you had a tune-up? Because I can't find the-
Jerry: Sid left the keys in the car.
George: Who's Sid?
Jerry: He's this guy in the neighborhood, parks cars on the block.
George: What do you mean?
Jerry: He moves them from one side of the street to the other so you don't get a ticket.
George: What, do you pay him for that?
Jerry: Yeah, like fifty bucks a month.
George: How many people does he do that for?
Jerry: The whole block, forty, fifty cars.
Kramer: He only works three hours a day. He makes a fortune. Course he's been doing that for years, right Jerry?
George: Could anybody do that?
Jerry: Hey Sid, what happened?
Sid: I'm sorry, Jerry. Maybe I'm getting too old for this stuff.
Jerry: You left the keys in the car?
Sid: Well, you know they're making that Woody Allen movie in the block, and all those people and trucks everywhere, when I saw him I must have got a little distracted.
Kramer: You know I'm in that movie?
George: You are?
Kramer: Yeah, I'm an extra.
George: How'd you get that?
Kramer: Well, I was just watching them film yesterday and some guy just asked me.
George: Right out of the clear blue sky?
Kramer: Clear blue sky!
George: Well, why didn't they ask me?
Kramer: I got a quality.
Sid: Jerry, you got insurance, right?
Jerry: Yeah, but no car. I'll have to rent one.
Sid: Well I'm going down to visit my sister in Virginia next Wednesday, for a week, so I can't park it.
Jerry: This Wednesday?
Sid: No, next Wednesday, week after this Wednesday.
Jerry: But the Wednesday two days from now is the next Wednesday.
Sid: If I meant this Wednesday, I would have said this Wednesday. It's the week after this Wednesday.
George: Sid, who's gonna move the cars while you're away?
Sid: Whoever wants to move them, why do I care who moves them? They can move themselves if they want.
George: Maybe I could move them until you get back.
Sid: What's a young man like you want to move cars for? You don't work?
George: I'm in a transition phase right now.
Sid: Well if you want to move the cars, move the cars. Just don't forget to take the keys out, that's all.
Jerry: Hello? Yeah, the defroster's the one on the bottom, just slide it all the way over. You're welcome.
Elaine: I'm in awe of his intellect, when he talks it sounds like he's reading from one of his novels.
Jerry: Owen March, I never heard of him.
Elaine: Well, he's not a baseball player.
Jerry: Yeah, that's true. Well it sounds like it's going pretty good.
Elaine: Yeah. Well, there is one little problem.
Jerry: What's that?
Elaine: He's sixty-six years old.
Rental Car Agent: Next please.
Elaine: Well, go, go.
Rental Car Agent: Can I help you? Name please?
Jerry: Seinfeld. I made a reservation for a mid-size, and she's a small. I'm kidding around, of course.
Rental Car Agent: Okay, let's see here.
Jerry: Sixty-six years old?
Elaine: Yeah, well, he's in perfect health. He works out, he's vibrant. You'd really like him.
Jerry: Why do people always say that? I hate everyone, why would I like him?
Elaine: What do you think, would you go out with a sixty-six year old woman?
Jerry: Well, I'll tell you, she would have to be really vibrant. So vibrant, she'd be spinning.
Rental Car Agent: I'm sorry, we have no mid-size available at the moment.
Jerry: I don't understand, I made a reservation, do you have my reservation?
Rental Car Agent: Yes, we do, unfortunately we ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
Rental Car Agent: I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
Rental Car Agent: Let me, uh, speak with my supervisor.
Jerry: Uh, here we go. The supervisor. You know what she's saying over there?
Elaine: What?
Jerry: Hey Marge, you see those two people over there? They think I'm talking to you, so you pretend like you're talking to me, okay now you start talking.
Elaine: Oh, you mean like this? So it looks like I'm saying something but I'm not really saying anything at all?
Jerry: Now you say something else and they won't yell at me 'cause they thought I was checking with you.
Elaine: Okay, that's it. I think that's enough, see you later.
Rental Car Agent: I'm sorry, my supervisor says there's nothing we can do.
Jerry: Yeah, it looked as if you were in a real conversation over there.
Rental Car Agent: But we do have a compact if you would like that.
Jerry: Fine.
Rental Car Agent: Alright. We have a blue Ford Escort for you Mr. Seinfeld. Would you like insurance?
Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance, because I am gonna beat the hell out of this car.
Rental Car Agent: Please fill this out.
Elaine: What do you think, you think I'm making a big mistake?
Jerry: Hey, if you enjoy being with him, that's what's important.
Elaine: I love being with him. I mean, I like being with him. It's okay being with him.
Elaine: I just don't enjoy being with him.
Jerry: Well that's what's important.
Elaine: I'm meeting him for lunch at Chadway's around the corner, do I have to break up with him face to face or can I just wait and do it over the phone?
Jerry: How many times you been out with him?
Elaine: Seven?
Jerry: Face to face.
Elaine: Seven dates is a face-to-face break up?
Jerry: If it was six I could have let you go, but seven, I'm afraid, is over the limit. Unless, of course, there was no sex.
Elaine: Hmm... How's the pasta over there?
Kramer: Whoa, whoa!!
Jerry: What is going on out there?
George: I need like a bucket of water! I got a car overheating, I got an alarm that won't go off, I'm pressing 'one', I'm pressing 'two', nothing! What do I do?! Help me! Help me!
Kramer: Hey, you know they were supposed to do my scene today?
Elaine: Today?!
Kramer: You know they told me that they wanted me to walk down the block carrying this bag of groceries.
Elaine: Yeah.
Kramer: So I start to walk, and I trip, and the grocery bag goes flying, and Woody, Woody starts laughing.
Elaine: He was laughing?!
Kramer: Oh yeah, he was drinking something, it started to come out of his nose.
Jerry: So then what?
Kramer: I got a line in the movie!
Elaine: Get out!
Jerry: That's great!
George: You got a line in the Woody Allen movie?
Kramer: Pretty good, huh?
George: You're in the movie? Is he in the scene?
Kramer: Oh yeah, yeah, it's me and him. I might have a whole new career on my hands, huh?
Jerry: You mean *a* career.
Elaine: So was Mia Farrow there?
Kramer: Uh, I didn't see him.
Elaine: What's your line?
Kramer: Oh, well uh, okay I'm there with, uh, Woody, you know, I'm at this bar and, uh, I'm sit- you know it's Woody Allen, did I mention that?
Kramer: So I'm sitting there with Woody and I say, I turn to him and I go, "Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty."
George: Is that how you're gonna say it?
Kramer: No, no, I'm working on it.
Elaine: Do it like this. "These pretzels are making me thirsty."
Jerry: No. "These pretzels are making me thirsty."
Kramer: No, no. See, that's no good. See, you don't know how to act.
George: "These pretzels are making me thirsty!!"
George: That was no good?
Kramer: I didn't say anything.
Elaine: I'm gonna go break up with Owen.
George: What was wrong with that? I had a different interpretation! Do you know anything about this pretzel guy?! Maybe he's been in the bar a really long time and he's really depressed because he has no job and no woman and he's parking cars for a living! (out the window to honking cars) Alright! Alright! Shut up! Shut up! I hear you! I'm coming down! These pretzels are making me thirsty!
Jerry: Oh my god.
Elaine: Call an ambulance.
Jerry: Boy, he took it hard.
Elaine: We were walking down the block right by your house and I was just about to break up with him then all of a sudden he started to twitch.
Jerry: (on the phone) Hello? Yes, I need an ambulance at one twenty nine west Eighty-first Street, apartment five-A.
Elaine: Tell then to hurry! Hurry!
Jerry: (To Elaine) It's an ambulance. (To the operator) I don't know but he's unconscious.
Kramer: These pretzels are making me thirsty. (He bites into a pretzel.) Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty.
Jerry: Kramer.
Kramer: What happened here?
Elaine: I don't know, I don't know, what should we do? We called an ambulance, does anyone know first aid?
Jerry: Shouldn't you do something with the extremities?
Elaine: What extremities?
Kramer: What's an extremity?
Jerry: You raise the feet, get blood to the head.
Kramer: You raise the head, you get blood to the feet.
Elaine: Okay, what about a cold compress? They always do that.
Jerry: I don't have a washcloth.
Elaine: Well use a paper towel.
Jerry: You can't put a paper towel on his head.
Kramer: What about a big sponge?
Jerry: How you gonna hold it on there?
Kramer: Use a belt.
Elaine: No no no no no, that'll, it'll drip all over him.
Jerry: Should we walk him around?
Elaine And Kramer: (at the same time) Yes, yes.
Kramer: Yeah, I've seen them do that.
Jerry: No, no that's for a drug overdose.
Kramer: Maybe that's what he's got.
Elaine: No no no no, Kramer, I just had lunch with him, he didn't leave the table.
Kramer: Well he could have dropped acid when you weren't looking.
Elaine: He is not a drug addict!
Jerry: Hey, you know what? Maybe he's a diabetic, he might just need a cookie or something.
Elaine: A cookie!
Kramer: Can you give him a cookie?
Elaine: How's he gonna chew it?
Jerry: We'll move his teeth, it happened to my uncle, the sugar revived him.
Elaine: Careful, you're getting crumbs all over him.
Kramer: I got him chewing but I don't think he's gonna swallow.
Elaine: You know what, let's put a few cookies in a blender and he could drink it.
Jerry: Cookies don't liquefy.
Elaine: Yes they do, you can liquefy a cookie.
Kramer: Alright I'll get a blender.
Jerry: What blender? I don't have a blender.
Kramer: You got a blender.
Jerry: I would know if I had a blender.
Elaine: Where is the ambulance?!
Jerry: (on phone) Hello, yes, I called for an ambulance like thirty-five minutes ago.
Elaine: I can't believe what's going on out here.
Jerry: This is an emergency, what's taking so long? (the door buzzer buzzes) Wait a second, maybe that's them. (presses button) Hello?
Voice: Paramedics.
Jerry: Come on up. Okay, they're here.
Elaine: He seems to be breathing.
Jerry: Ya know, I gotta tell you, he's a pretty good-looking guy.
Elaine: I know.
Jerry: Those eyebrows could use a trimming, you ever mention that to him?
Elaine: Almost.
Jerry: Hey, look at this, c'mon, running wild there.
Elaine: It's not an easy thing to bring up.
Jerry: Yeah, that's true.
Elaine: Aw, you should see his bathrobe, man, it's all silk.
Jerry: Yeah? Does he wear slippers? I bet he wears slippers.
Elaine: He does, how'd you know that?
Jerry: I could tell.
Elaine: What happened, what took you so long?!
Paramedic: We got here twenty minutes ago but we couldn't move, the whole intersection is gridlocked, I've never seen anything like it. So finally we make the turn and this guy who's running around triple-parking cars slammed into us with a blue Escort.
Jerry: Blue Escort? That's my rent-a-car!
George: Oh man.
Jerry: What happened to the car?
George: Sorry, you don't know what's going on out there! (looks at Owen) Who's he?
Elaine: This guy I'm seeing.
George: What happened?
Jerry: We don't know!
Paramedic: Who put cookies in his mouth?
Jerry And Elaine: Cookies?
Paramedic: You're not supposed to do that.
Jerry: So how'd you hit the car?
George: I was moving it across the street, I looked up and I saw Woody Allen and I got all distracted.
Jerry: It's not even my car, it's a rental.
Kramer: What are you doing out there?! You're holding up the production of the movie! We can't shoot and Woody, he's really mad at you.
George: Woody mentioned me? What did he say?
Kramer: He said, 'Who's the moron in the blue jacket who's got the street all screwed up?'
George: Should I apologize to Woody?
Kramer: Alright, I'll tell you what. Next time I talk to him, maybe I'll bring it up. I'll feel him out.
Sid: Now you didn't tell me you didn't know how to drive. You should have mentioned that.
George: Well I know how to drive.
Sid: Then how'd all those cars get damaged? Why are people calling me up screaming on the phone? Most of them cancelled out on me.
Jerry: Can I get anybody anything?
Sid: Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than putting on a pair of pants. My question to you is who's putting your pants on?
George: I put my pants on, Sid.
Sid: I don't believe you. If you can put your pants on, you can move those cars.
George: Well I don't want to get into a big dispute about the pants.
Sid: Who's gonna send money to my sister in Virginia? Her little boy needs surgery on his foot. Now he'll be walking around with a limp because you can't park a few cars.
George: Maybe I could call my father.
Kramer: Hey, you seen the paper yet?
Jerry: Interestingly enough, no, inasmuch as it is my paper.
Kramer: Yeah. There's an article in there about that writer.
Jerry: (reading) Owen March, prominent author and essayist suffered a stroke yesterday in the upper West Side apartment of a friend.
Kramer: Uh huh, that's the guy that was here. You're the friend.
Jerry: (continuing) The extent of the damage would have been far less severe had paramedics been able to reach him sooner.
Sid: Oh lord.
Jerry: (finishing) The commotion also delayed production of a Woody Allen movie that was shooting up the block. A spokeswoman for the legendary filmmaker said that Mr. Allen was extremely agitated and wondered if his days of shooting movies in New York were over.
Elaine: Five seconds. Jerry, I was five seconds away from breaking up with him. Five seconds. The next words out of my mouth were, 'Owen, it's over.'
Jerry: Can he communicate?
Elaine: Yeah, well, he nods. And I think he understands me, he seems to enjoy it when I read to him.
Jerry: Alright, she's free. (Steps up to the counter) Hi, I called before, uh, my car got smashed.
Elaine: So listen, what should I do? I mean if I break up with him now it'll look like I'm abandoning him because of his condition, I'll be ostracized from the community.
Jerry: What community? There's a community?
Elaine: Of course there's a community.
Jerry: All these years I'm living in a community, I had no idea.
Rental Car Agent: Sir the estimate on the damage to your car is two thousand eight hundred and sixty-six dollars.
Jerry: Hmm, well, I got the insurance and everything so...
Rental Car Agent: Yes, now, uh, in your report you said that you were not the driver of the car at the time of the accident.
Jerry: That is right, somebody else was driving.
Rental Car Agent: Alright, well, sir, you're only covered for when you're driving the car.
Jerry: Uh huh, what's that?
Rental Car Agent: You're not covered for other drivers.
Jerry: Other drivers?
Rental Car Agent: Um hm.
Jerry: Your whole business is based on other drivers. It's a rented car. That's who's driving it, other drivers. Doesn't my credit card cover me or something?
Rental Car Agent: Not that particular one.
Jerry: Well I got a hundred cards, here, pick a card, take a card, any card you want, go ahead, whichever one, I don't care.
Rental Car Agent: Sir, if you had read the rental agreement-
Jerry: Did you see the size of that document? It's like the Declaration of Independence, who's gonna read that?
Rental Car Agent: Mr. Seinfeld, as it stands right now, you are not covered for that damage and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about that.
Jerry: These pretzels are making me thirsty.
Elaine: Ahh, it's good, isn't it? Yankee Bean. Why Yankee Bean, huh? Don't they have beans in the south? I mean if you order Yankee Bean in the south, are they offended? Huh? (singing) Yankee Bean, Yankee Bean, I like my Yankee Bean. (she puts the bowl down and wipes Owen's mouth with a napkin) Owen, I think we have to talk. I mean, uh, *I* have to talk. It would be nice if *we* could, but, uh, whatever. Um, don't get me wrong, I like coming here, and uh, feeding you and cleaning a little, and paying your bills, that's good stuff. Good stuff! I have a wonderful time when I'm with you, wonderful! But at this point in my life, I'm not really sure that I'm ready to make a commitment to one person. I'm just not really sure that we have enough in common. For example, I like running in the park, bicycling, roller skating, tennis and skiing, and um, well, I'm gonna be brutally honest with you now, Owen, it's a bitch to get here. It's two subways. I have to transfer at Forty-second Street to take the double-R. Anyway, I mean, this doesn't mean we can't be friends. These pretzels are making me thirsty.
Elaine: Can you die from an odor? I mean, like if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor?
Jerry: An overdose of odor? Good question.
George: Do I smell?
Elaine: No no no no, I was just down on the forty-second street subway today, it is disgusting. Guess who I bumped into. Owen.
Jerry: Ahh.
George: He's alright?
Elaine: Yeah, he's almost fully recovered. He told me he was just using me for sex.
Jerry: Let me get that.
George: No no no, I got it.
Jerry: Please.
George: No come on, let me, let me. I smashed your car, it cost you over two thousand dollars,
Jerry: (sarcastically) Yeah, a cup of coffee should cover it.
Jerry: What are you doing here?
Kramer: I got fired from the movie.
George: Get out of here, why?
Kramer: Well, you know they were gonna shoot it today, and uh, we rehearsed it twice, then Woody yells 'Action!' and I turn to him and I say, 'These pretzels are making me thirsty' and I took a swig of beer, ya know, and I slammed the glass down on the bar and it shattered.
Elaine: Aww.
Kramer: Well, one of the pieces must have hit Woody. He started crying. And he yells out, 'I'm bleeding' and he runs off. Anyway, this woman, she came up to me and she says, 'You're fired.' Boy I really nailed that scene.
Jerry: Aw, wait a-. Oh. Oh, for crying out loud.


Jerry: I'm sorry it's gotta be a little bit of a scary place to work. I don't know how you feel about it. You want to be standing there having people comming in all day going "I need knives. I need more knives. Do you have any bigger knives? I'd like a bigger knife, a big, long, sharp knife, that's what I'm in the market for. I like them really sharp. Do you have one with hooks and gouges like blades and kind of serrated? That's the kind of knife I'm looking for. I need one I can throw. I need another one I can just hack away with. Do you have anything like that?
Jerry: Oh yeah, like you know what you're talking about.
George: Like you do.
Jerry: Well what do you think? They put the statue on a giant raft and a tugboat pulled it all the way from France?
George: What do you think? The brought it over in pieces and screwed it together like a coffee table?
Jerry: I don't know. It's too early for a Christmas party isn't it?
George: Why did France give that to us anyway?
Jerry: It was a gift.
George: So countries just exchange gifts like that?
Jerry: If they like each other.
George: There's Elaine.
Jerry: See that guy he's talking with? That's her new boyfriend.
George: Really? They work here in the office?
Jerry: Yeah. They're having a little fling so don't say anything.
George: Who am I going to tell? My mother? Like I've got nothing better to talk about.
Jerry: You don't. He's a recovering alcoholic.
George: Really?
Jerry: Yeah. He's been off the wagon for two years.
George: "Off the wagon"?
Jerry: I think it's off the wagon.
George: I think it's "on the wagon".
Elaine: Jerry, George, what are you doing here?
Jerry: What am I doing here? Ba-boom (holding out a present)
Elaine: *gasp* My god! My watch! You found my watch! (pushing Jerry)
Jerry: Hey keep your hands to yourself if you know what's good for you.
Elaine: Where did you find it?
Jerry: Under the sofa cushion.
Elaine: And you stopped by just to give it to me?
Jerry: It's your Christmas present.
Elaine: I though I'd never find it.
George: Well today's your lucky day.
Elaine: No. Today's *your* lucky day.
George: It will be my first one.
Elaine: You want to work here?
George: Huh?
Elaine: Yeah one of the readers left and there's a job opening. Dick, this is Jerry and this is George.
Dick: Hi nice to meet you. Is this the guy?
Jerry: "The guy?"
Elaine: (softly to Dick) Dick.
George: How can you just get it?
Elaine: My boss told me to find someone. I'm in charge of it. All you have to do is meet him. Come on. Come on, come on, here hold my drink.
Jerry: Cranberry juice?
Elaine: And vodka.
Dick: I got the cranberry juice.
Dick: So... you're Jerry.
Jerry: So... I'm Jerry. (he puts down the drink)
Mr. Lippman: (What is his name?) So have you ever done this kind of work before?
George: Well, you know, book reports. That kind of stuff.
Mr. Lippman: How do you read?
George: I like Mike Lubika.
Mr. Lippman: Mike Lubika?
George: He's a sports writer for the daily news. I find him very insightful...
Mr. Lippman: No, no, no. I mean authors.
George: Lot of good ones. I don't even want to mention anyone because I'm afraid I'm going to leave somebody out.
Mr. Lippman: Name a couple.
George: Who do I like? I, like, uh, Art, Vandelay.
Mr. Lippman: Art Vandelay?
George: He's an obscure writer. Betnik, on the village.
Mr. Lippman: What has he written?
George: Venetian Blinds.
Dick: (picking up the drink) I've got new for you. I'm funnier than you are.
Jerry: Why don't get we together New Years day and watch some football.
Elaine: Where's my drink?
Jerry: There. (turns to George) So, how did it go?
George: I think he was impressed.
Elaine: No, no, no, this is just cranberry juice.
Jerry: Oh, uh, I think maybe Dick picked up yours.
Elaine: Dick? He can't drink. He's an alcoholic. I told you to hold it.
Jerry: I didn't know you meant *hold* it, I thought you meant hold it.
Elaine: One drink like that and he could fall right off the wagon.
George: Told you.
Jerry: I never feel comfortable in the women's department. I feel like I'm just a *little* too close to trying on a dress.
George: Do I really have to buy her something?
Jerry: Hey the woman got you a job. The least you could do is buy her a gift. How about this?
George: What is that? Is that cashmere?
Jerry: Yeah. She would love cashmere.
George: Who doesn't like cashmere? Find me one person in the world that doesn't like cashmere. It's too expensive.
Jerry: Look at this. It's 85 dollars marked down from 600.
George: Wow. Excuse me, Miss?
Sales Woman: Yes?
George: How come this sweater is only 85 dollars?
Sales Woman: (showing the dot) Oh, here. This is why.
George: What? I don't see anything.
Sales Woman: See this red dot?
George: Oh yeah.
Jerry: Oh it's damaged. (grabbing the sweater)
George: (grabbing the sweater back) Well it's not really damaged. 85 dollars huh?
Sales Woman: There's no exchanges on this.
George: You think she would care about the red dot?
Jerry: It's hard to say.
George: I don't even think she'd notice it. Can you see it?
Jerry: Well I can see it.
George: Yeah, but you know where it is.
Jerry: Well what do you want me to do? Not look at it?
George: Pretend you didn't know it was there. Can you see it?
Jerry: It's hard to pretend because I know where it is.
George: Well just take an overview. Can't you just take an overview?
Jerry: You want me to take an overview?
George: Please.
Jerry: I see a very cheap man holding a sweater trying to get away with something. That's my overview.
Jerry: Yeah so?
Elaine: He's acting very strangely. I think he started drinking again.
Jerry: Oh boy, can you smell it?
Elaine: No. I can't smell it.
Jerry: Well if you can't smell it then he hasn't been drinking.
Elaine: You don't always smell someone from a drink.
Jerry: Yes you do.
Elaine: What about one drink? Would you smell it from one drink?
Jerry: Yes you would.
Jerry: I'll prove it. Would you do me a favor?
Kramer: Okay.
Jerry: Would you take a drink and let us smell you?
Kramer: You can smell me without the drink.
Elaine: I suspect that this guy I'm seeing might be drinking but I can't smell it.
Kramer: Okay, well what am I drinking? What do you got?
Jerry: I got a bottle of scotch my uncle gave me. It's Hennigans. It's been here for two years. I've been using it as a paint thinner.
Kramer: All right.
Jerry: I don't smell anything.
Elaine: Maybe we're too close to the bottle.
Jerry: Yeah.
George: (over the speaker) It's George.
Jerry: Come on up.
Kramer: That is *damn* good scotch. I could do a commercial for this stuff. Mmmmm, boy that Hennigans goes down smooth. And afterwords you don't even smell. That's right folks. I just had three shots of Hennigans and I don't smell. Imagine, you can walk around drunk all day. That's Hennigans, the no-smell, no-tell scotch.
George: Hello everybody.
Kramer: Hey. (snuggling really close to George) I'm going to tell you what I think. I know you don't care what I think, but I'm going to tell you. I think that you are terrific.
George: (uncomfortablly) Thank you.
Elaine: Hey what's that?
George: It's an early Christmas present.
Elaine: Christmas present? For who?
George: For you.
Elaine: *gasp* (pushing George) Get out of here.
Kramer: Say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. Well throw back a couple shots of Hennigans and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret. (singing) h-e-double n...
Jerry: Kramer. Yeah that'll do.
Elaine: (opening the present) Oh George, this is beautiful. Is this cashmere?
George: Of course it's cashmere.
Elaine: Oh, I love cashmere.
George: Well who doesn't.
Elaine: My, George this must have cost a fortune.
George: Ahh, money.
Elaine: Jerry, how could you let him spend so much money?
Jerry: I tried to stop him. I couldn't. He just wants to make people happy.
Elaine: George, this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given me.
George: Well good, good. Take it off you're going to wear it out already. It's for special occasions this thing.
Kramer: What's that red dot on your sweater?
Elaine: What?
George: Just take it off. I'm getting hot just looking at it.
Elaine: Uhh. This. It's like a red dot.
George: What red dot? What are you talking about? Jerry come here for a second. Do you see anything here?
Jerry: (uncomfortable) Uh, I don't know. Uh, I don't know.
Elaine: What don't you know?
Jerry: I don't know.
Elaine: Well do you see it or don't you?
Jerry: Ahem. Say that again?
Elaine: Do you see it or don't you?
Jerry: Do I see it... or don't I? That's the question.
Jerry: Now what did you ask me again.
Elaine: You're still here. You're a dynamo.
George: I can't believe I get paid for this.
Elaine: I'll see you tomorrow.
George: How you doing?
Cleaning Woman: Hello.
Jerry: You had sex with the cleaning woman on your desk? Who are you, how did you do that?
George: Hennigans. I was there sitting in the office and the cleaning woman comes in. I've always been attracted to cleaning women. Cleaning women, chambermaids.
Jerry: Yeah chambermaids, I'm attracted to them too.
George: Why is that?
Jerry: It's a woman in your room. So go ahead.
George: So she starts vaccuming, back and forth, back and forth, her hips swivelling, her breasts, uh... (trying to think of a word)
Jerry: Convulsing?
George: Convulsing?
Jerry: I don't know, I'm trying to help you.
George: Then I asked her if she wanted a drink.
Jerry: You don't drink.
George: I know but I couldn't think of anything else to say to her.
Jerry: So you started drinking.
George: So we started drinking, and I'll tell you I don't know if it was the alcohol or the ammonia, but the next think I knew she was mopping the floor with me.
Jerry: So how was it?
George: Well the sex was okay, but I threw up from the Hennigans.
Jerry: Good thing the cleaning lady was there.
Elaine: Dick was fired.
Jerry: You mean to tell me if I had put that drink six inches over to the right, and none of this would have happened.
Elaine: You knew he was an alcoholic. Why'd you put the drink down at all?
Jerry: What are you saying?
Elaine: I'm not saying anything.
Jerry: You're saying something.
Elaine: What could I be saying?
Jerry: Well you're not saying nothing you must be saying something.
Elaine: If I was saying something I would have said it.
Jerry: Well why don't you say it?
Elaine: I said it.
Jerry: What did you say?
Elaine: Nothing. It's exhausting being with you.
Jerry: Yeah?
George: (over the speaker) It's George.
Jerry: Come on up.
Elaine: Hey, let me ask you something something. Did George buy that sweater knowing the red dot was on it because it was cheaper? (Jerry is unconfortable) Ooookay, you just gave me the answer.
Jerry: No I didn't.
Elaine: Yes you did, yes you did. I saw your expression.
Jerry: I didn't have an expression. I have a deviated septum. I have to open my mouth sometimes to breathe.
Elaine: How much did he save?
Jerry: Frankly I am shocked that you would ask such a question (Elaine sticking out her tongue like she isn't buying a word of it) of me, that you would think - the only surprise is how you could even think of that. That's what you were seeing.
George: I have to talk to Elaine. This cleaing lady is turning the screws on me. She's pushing for this whole relationship thing. She keeps calling me, threatening to go to the boss with this thing, I could lose my job, I gotta do something to keep her quiet.
Jerry: Elaine is in the bathroom. She's wise to whole red dot thing. She's asking me all kinds of questions.
George: Did you tell her anything?
Jerry: No.
George: Do you swear?
Jerry: I'm not swearing. I don't want to swear.
George: Oh you told her didn't you.
Jerry: No.
Elaine: Hey George, did you buy that sweater knowing that red dot was on it because you could get it at a discount?
George: What? Did I what?
Elaine: You did didn't you.
George: Elaine, I'm, I'm shocked. I'm shocked. Here I go out in the spirit of the season (Elaine looking like she's not buying a word of it) and spend all my savings to buy you the most beautiful Christmas sweater I have ever seen to show my appreciation to you at Christmas and this is the thanks that I get at Christmas.
Elaine: Well Jerry told me that you did.
George: You told her? How could you tell her? I told you not to say anything.
Jerry: I didn't tell her you stupid idiot. She tricked you.
George: Elaine you don't understand. I had 103 temperature when I bought that sweater. I was so dizzy I was seeing red dots everywhere. I thought everything in the store had a red dot on it. I couldn't distinguish one red dot from another. I couldn't afford anything. I have nothing. I haven't worked for a really long time. (Jerry is standing right behind George. Jerry takes out a hankerchief and starts fake-crying in it.) I mean look, I have no clothes, look at what I'm wearing. It's just a little red dot.
George: This is for you.
Cleaning Woman: Oh, Georgie, you bought this for me? Oh I knew you cared for me.
George: As you care for me. Which is why it is very important that you never breathe a word of this to anyone about the... you know. What, with Clarence Thomas and everything.
Cleaning Woman: Okay, okay, can I open it now?
George: Yes of course go ahead. My guess is you're going to like this very much.
Cleaning Woman: Oh! Is that cashmere?
George: Of course it's cashemere.
Cleaning Woman: A cashmere sweater. Oh Georgie Porgie!
George: Just a little something for Christmas.
Cleaning Woman: When I was a little girl in Panama, a rich American came to our town and he was wearing the softest most beautiful sweater. I said to him, "what do you call this most beautiful fabric?", and he said "they call it cashmere". I repeated the words "cashmere, cashmere". I asked if I could have it, and he said "No. Get away from me." Then he started walk away. But I grabbed onto his leg screaming for him to give me the sweater and he dragged me through the street. And then he kicked at me with the other foot and threw some change at me. Oh, but I didn't want the change Georgie. I wanted the cashmere.
George: I had a feeling you would like it. No, don't try it on now, try it on later.
Cleaning Woman: Wow, look at this. It feels so beautiful.
George: Take it off. You're going to ruin it.
Cleaning Woman: (noticing the dot) What's this?
Jerry: I was in the men's room the other day and they had the hand blower, instead of the paper towels, you know this thing. I like the hand blower I have to say. It takes a little bit longer, but I feel when you're in a room with a revolting stench you want to spend as much time as you can.
Dick: The only stench is comming from you.
Audience: Oooooh.
Jerry: Oh, wait a second, I believe we have a heckler ladies and gentlemen. Hey Dick I don't know what your problem is. It's not my fault you're back on the wagon.
Dick: It's off the wagon.
Jerry: In the old days how do you think they got the alcohol from town to town?
Dick: I don't know.
Jerry: On the wagon. Don't you think they broke into a couple of those bottles along the way?
Dick: You can't drink on a wagon it would be too bumpy.
Jerry: They had smooth trails. What about the Cumberland Gap?
Dick: What the hell do you know about wagons?
Jerry: I know enough not to get on them.
Mr. Lippman: I'm going to get right to the point. It has come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
George: Who said that?
Mr. Lippman: She did.
George: Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I tell you I gotta plead ignorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing was frouned upon, you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices and I tell you peope do that all the time.
Mr. Lippman: You're fired.
George: Well you didn't have to say it like that.
Mr. Lippman: I want you out of here by the end of the day.
George: What about the whole Christmas spirit thing? Any flexability there?
Mr. Lippman: Nah. Wait, wait, she wanted me to give you this.
Elaine: You had sex on your desk with the cleaning woman.
George: You never had sex in the office before?
Elaine: No. I once made out with someone but that was it.
George: Alright so you made out with someone.
Elaine: Well that's not sex.
George: Kissing is sex.
Elaine: Kissing is not sex.
Jerry: George?
George: Jerry.
Elaine: Hey, did Jerry leave that drink next to Dick's on purpose?
George: No.
Jerry: George?
George: Over here.
Elaine: What are you doing here?
Jerry: I'm taking the kid out to dinner to chear him up.
Elaine: Hey Jerry when do you consider that sex has taken place?
Jerry: I would say when the nipple makes its first appearance.
Elaine: So, George told me that you left the drink next to Dick's on purpose.
Jerry: Nice try. So guess who heckled me at the club last night.
Dick: Merry Christmas.
Elaine: Oh my god that's Dick. It's Cape Fear.
George: Hide, hide under the desk.
Elaine: Ow, ow move over.
Jerry: Get off of me.
Elaine: I've got no room.
Dick: Is that cashmere?
George: Of course it's cashmere.
Dick: (noticing the dot) What's this?
Jerry: But in a way, I think I inadvertantly turned this guy into an alcoholic. I hate being around alcoholics because they're either telling you how much they love you or how much they hate you. And those are the two statements that scare me the most. But I think he's okay now because I have no idea how he feels about me. He's finally off the wagon.
Dick: You mean on the wagon.
Jerry: Don't get smart.


Kramer: All right, Coney Island. Ok, you can take the B or the F and switch for the N at Broadway Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2, 3, 4 or 5, but don't get on the G. See that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith and 9th street, then you got to get on the R.
Elaine: Couldn't he just take the D straight to Coney Island?
Kramer: Well, yeah...
Elaine: Ok, what time is your job interview George?
George: 945
Jerry: Remember, don't whistle on the elevator.
George: Why not?
Jerry: That's what Willie Loman told Biff before his interview, in 'Death of a salesman'.
George: What, you are comparing me to Biff Loman, very encouraging. The biggest loser in history of American literature.
Elaine: All right, I'm gonna go.
Jerry: What time is the lesbian wedding?
Elaine: 930
George: Lesbian wedding. How do they work bride and groom out, what do they flip a coin?
Elaine: Yeah, they flip a coin.
George: What, was that not politically correct? It's a legitimate question.
Jerry: I'm so tired. I'll fall asleep on that train (yawns)
George: I get the feeling when lesbians are looking at me, they're thinking "That's why I'm not heterosexual".
Kramer: Jerry, come on let's go, pick up the check so we can go.
Jerry: Oh, I'm paying for breakfast?
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: Yeah.
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Why do I always pay? What am I made of money? You bunch of deadbeats.
George: How many tickets are you paying today?
Kramer: Well, let's see speeding, running a red light, no license, no registration, no plates, no brake lights, no rear view mirror...yeah. (gives George a ticket)
George: No doors?
Kramer: I'm fighting that one. You know, this is gonna cost me over six hundred bucks.
George: I can't carry any changes in these pants, it falls out.
Violin Player: Thank you.
George: That guy is not blind.
Jerry: So, can I convince anybody to come down to Coney Island with me? I got to pick up my car at the pound. George?
George: I can't believe they actually found your stolen car.
Jerry: Not only that they found it. It was simonized and the front end was aligned.
George: That's amazing.
Jerry: So what do you say? Run in the cyclone. Hotdogs on Nathan's is on me.
George: What are you? Satan? I'm close to a job here. It's my second interview with them.
Jerry: All right, biff. Elaine, merry-go-round?
Elaine: I can't. I'm the best man.
Jerry: Kramer, bumper-cars?
Kramer: I've gotta go to court, I'll get in trouble. What's the matter with you?
Jerry: Could be years before I get back to Coney Island. I can't go to rides alone.
Subway Announcement: 42th street. Change to D,N,RR,2,3,4,5,7,C,E,F train.
Elaine: See'ya.
Woman: You looking for a job?
George: Me, why?
Woman: Well, you're reading the classifieds.
George: Oh, no no no. I was just looking for stock-pages. Here it is. Looking for the quotes. Gotta check to quotes. Love a good quote. Oh, IBM up a quarter.
Woman: You didn't look like someone who needed a job.
George: Me? No, no, I don't, I don't. Doing very well, very well, yep.
Woman: So, you're in 'the market'?
George: Yeah I'm, eh, in 'the market'.
Woman: Which market?
George: Which market, the, eh, big one, the big market, the big board. Bull market, bear market, you name the market, I'm there.
Woman: So, do you work for one of those big broker-houses?
George: They wish. I hate the big broker-houses. Hate them with a passion. Big broker-houses killed my father.
Woman: Really?
George: Well, they hurt him bad. Really hurt his feelings. It's a long story. I- I don't like to talk about it, but I swore then that I would never work for big broker-houses. See, all they care about is money. I'm about more than money, I'm about people, always gone my own way and I've never looked back.
Woman: I started riding these trains in the forties. Those days a man would give up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have to stand.
Elaine: It's ironic.
Women: What's ironic?
Elaine: This, that we've come all this way, we have made all this progress, but you know we've lost the little things, the niceties.
Woman: No, I mean what does 'ironic' mean?
Elaine: Oh...
Woman: Where are you up to, with such a nice present, birthday party?
Elaine: A wedding.
Women: A wedding?
Elaine: Yeah
Woman: Hah, I didn't know people still get married. It's hard today with men and women.
Elaine: You're telling me.
Woman: So, are they a nice couple?
Elaine: Oh, very nice.
Woman: What does he do, if you don't mind me asking?
Elaine: She.
Women: She? She works, he doesn't. He sounds like my son.
Elaine: There is no he.
Women: There is no he. So, who's getting married?
Elaine: Em, two women. It's, eh...lesbian wedding.
Women: Lesbian wedding.
Elaine: Aha, yep. I'm the...eh...bes tman.
Women (Talks To Man Next To Her): My luck. I don't talk to a soul in the subway for 35 years. I get a best man at a lesbian wedding. (leaves)
Elaine: No, no, no, you don't understand! I'm not a lesbian! I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian!
Elaine'S Voice: I'm really looking forward to this. I love weddings. Maybe I'll meet somebody, umm maybe not.
Elaine'S Voice: Oh, man. We're stopping?
Woman: Well, this is where I get off.
George: Oh, you do?
Woman: Eh, hey why don't you...oh nothing.
George: No, no, what, what?
Woman: Well, I was going to say why don't you get off with me, but you're obviously very busy on your way to some important meeting or something.
George: Yeah, well...
Woman: Yeah I knew it was a bad idea.
George: Hey, what's another million, give or take. I get off where and when I wanna get off.
George: I'm stuck. Pull a little, just a second. Don't start the train! Don't start the train!!
Man1: This, it's the fourth horse of the first race, Pappanick.
Man2: How do you know it's going to win?
Man1: My UPS-guy tells. Guys who own the horses are regular customers. Every horse he has ever given me has won. See, they've been sandbagging and looking for a good spot. He's been getting it light cause they've been using bug boy and the workout hasn't been published. Now they are ready to run with it. They are gonna break his maiden. It's going to go to great price, maybe 301. I'm telling you, it's a lock.
Man2: But it rained last night.
Man1: Exactly, this horse loves the slop. It's in his bloodlines. His father was a mudda', his mother was a mudda'.
Man2: His mudda' was a mudda'?
Man1: What did I just say? Come on, let's go to the office, I'm going to call my bookie. (looks around to see if anyone is listening) Hey, don't tell anybody.
Jerry: O-K. You realize of course, you're naked?
Naked Man: Naked, dressed. I don't see any difference.
Jerry: You oughta' sit here. There is a difference.
Naked Man: You got something against naked body?
Jerry: I got something against yours. How about a couple of deep knee bends, maybe a squat thrust?
Naked Man: Who's got time for squat thrusts?
Jerry: All right, how about skipping breakfast. I'm guessing you're not a 'half-grapefruit and black coffee' guy.
Naked Man: I like a good breakfast.
Jerry: I understand, I like good breakfast. Long as you don't wind up trapped in a room with bib overalls and pigtails, been counseled by Dick Gregory.
Naked Man: I'm not ashamed of my body.
Jerry: That's your problem, you should be.
Jerry: Don't get up, please, allow me.
Elaine'S Voice: Oh, this is great. This is what I need, just what I need. Ok, take it easy I'm sure it's nothing. Probably rats on the track, we're stopping for rats. God, it's so crowded. How can there be so many people? This guy really smells, doesn't anyone use deodorant in the city? What is so hard, you take the cap off, you roll it on. What's that? I feel something rubbing against me. Disgusting animals, these people should be in a gage. We are in a gage. What if I miss the wedding? I got the ring. What'll they do? You can't get married without the ring. Oh, I can't breath, I feel faint. Take it easy, it'll start moving soon. Think about the people on the concentration camps, what they went through. And hostages, what would you do if you were a hostage? Think about that. This is nothing. No, it's not nothing, it's something. It's a nightmare! Help me! Move it! Com'on move this fu(beep) thing!! Why isn't it moving?!? What can go wrong with a train!?! It's on tracks, there's no traffic! How can a train get stuck. Step on the gas!! What could it be? You'de think the conductor would explain it to us? 'I'm sorry there's a delay we'll be moving in 5 minutes'!! I wanna hear a voice. What's that on my leg?!!
George: Are you often on business trip? Nice...oh, hey nice ice-bucket.
Woman: Make your-self comfortable.
George'S Voice: Make myself comfortable. What does that mean? Does she want me to take my clothes off? Is she taking her clothes off? What if I take my clothes off and she still has hers' on? Then I really look like an idiot. She could get offended and leave. So maybe I should leave them on, but what then if she takes her off? Then she'll feel humiliated. 'Make yourself comfortable'. I got this unbelievable woman and this 'comfortable'-thing can ruin me. I got it! I take my shoes off and sit on the bed. There, that's comfortable. She can't accuse me being unconvertible.
George: Gotta tell you I'm pretty comfortable.
Kramer: Oh yeah, it's all set. They got the bug boy on him.
Guy: The bug boy.
Kramer: Yeah, the little father has run his hard out. They're gonna break his maiden.
Guy: Really? But, it's a little bit slow out there it rained last night.
Kramer: Oh, this baby loves the slob, loves it, eats it up. Eats the slob. Born in the slob. His father was a mudda'.
Guy: His father was a mudda'?
Kramer: His mudda' was a mudda'.
Guy: His mudda' was a mudda'?
Kramer: What did I just say?
Kramer: Hey, all right, 600 Pappanick to win.
Naked Man: They still have no pitching. Goodin's a question mahk. ...You don't recover from those rotator cuffs so fast.
Jerry: I'm not worried about their best pitching. They got pitching. ...They got no hitting.
Naked Man: No hitting? They got hitting! Bonilla, Murry. ...They got no defence.
Jerry: Defence? Please. ...They need speed.
Naked Man: Speed? They got Coleman. ...They need a bullpen.
Jerry: Franco's no good? ...They got no team leaders.
Naked Man: They got Franco! ...What they need is a front office.
Jerry: But you gotta like their chances.
Naked Man: I LUV their chances.
Jerry: Tell you what. If they win the penant I'll sit naked with you at the World Series.
Naked Man: It's a deal!
Elaine'S Voice: Why couldn't I take a cab. For 6 dollars my whole life could've changed. What is that on my leg? I'll never get out of here. What if I'm here for the rest of my life? Maybe I'll get out in 5 seconds. 1 banana, 2 banana, 3 banana, 4 banana, 5 banana...no, I'm still here! Still here! Why don't they start moving? Move! Move!! Move!!! *Train starts moving, lights get back on* It's moving! It's moving! Yes! Yes!! *Train stops again and lights go off* Motherf(beep-beep)!!!
George: Eh, gee, I hope you have the key for these things.
Woman: Oh, don't worry. I do.
George: You know, my mother used to walk around on our apartment just in her bra and panties. She didn't look anything like you, she was really disgusting, really bad body. If you could imagine uglier and fatter version of Shirley Booth. Remember Shirley Booth from Hazel. Really embarrassing, cause you know I had only mother in the whole neighborhood who was worse looking than Hazel. Imagine the taunts I would hear.
Woman: Like what?
George: Like a "Hey your mother is uglier than Hazel. Hazel really puts your mother to shame"
George: What's going on?
Woman: It was a pleasure doing business with you George, but I'm afraid I have to get going.
George: Get going? But we haven't really, you know...
Woman: Eight dollars? Eight dollars?
George: What are you doing? You're robbing me?
Woman: I wasted my whole morning with you for eight dollars?
George: Wait, wait a second, what are you doing?
Woman: I'm taking your clothes.
George: No, that's my only suit. It cost me 350 dollars. I got it at Moe Ginsburg.
Woman: Bye George.
George: No wait, you can't just leave me here! Will I see you again?
(The Race Is On And Pappanick Is Slowly Making Ground. Kramer Is Pounding Himself Imitating The Jockey And Shouts: Yes, yes, yes... The winner is Pappanick)
Kramer: Yes! Yes! I won, hey (shouts to cashier)
Naked Man: I haven't had a hotdog at Nathan's for 20 years.
Jerry: First we ride the cyclone.
Naked Man: Chilly out.
Jerry: Aah, French fries.
Thug: Give me the money. Give me the money!
Blind Violin Player: (puts a gun to the thug's head) Freeze, Police!
Jerry: No, I never got the car. We were having such a good time, by the time I got to the police garage, it was closed.
Elaine: Too bad.
Jerry: You wouldn't believe what this guy put away at Nathan's. Look at what we won!
Jerry: You want him?
Elaine: Get that out of my face.
Jerry: So, you missed the wedding. You'll catch the bris!
Man At The Counter: (yelling) Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna!
George: How would you like a 'Hare Krishna' fist on your throat, you little punk?
Elaine: George?
Jerry: Biff, what did you whistle on the elevator?
George: You have my spare-key in your apartment, right?
Jerry: Yeah, it's in the kitchen drawer.
George: Give me your key, I gotta get it.
Kramer: What happened?
George: Never mind what happened, just give me the key.
Jerry: Come on, I'll go with you.
Elaine: Here, pay. (Gives the check to Jerry)
Kramer: Wait, wait, wait...