Jerry: ...And it *is* embarrassing, because a doggie bag means either you are out at a restaurant when you aren't hungry, or you've chosen the stupidest possible way to get dog food that there is. How about the doggie bag on a date? That's a good move for a guy, huh? Lemme tell you something if you're a guy and you ask for the doggie bag on a date, you might as well have them just wrap up your genitals too. You're not going to be needing those for awhile, either.
Jerry: Is that bothering you?
Elaine: No, not at all...
Elaine: Oh, could you please hurry?
Jerry: [mockingly] "Please hurry". Look at you. Look at what you've become.
Elaine: What? What have I become? I haven't "become" anything...
Jerry: Oh, *Carl* can't wait a few more minutes?
Elaine: I don't want to keep him waiting...
Jerry: He'll like you more...
Elaine: That's impossible...
Wife: Andrew, why do you have to pick your teeth at the table?
Husband: Leave me alone.
Jerry: Yeah, I'm wanting to get married *real* soon...
Jerry: So, where am I dropping you?
Elaine: His place...
Jerry: This guy's got quite a racket. I take you to dinner and then drop you off at his apartment...
Elaine: *And* he gets the rest of my chicken...
Jerry: So, is tonight "the night"?
Elaine: You never know...
Jerry: Oooh! Bay-bee *doll*!
Jerry: Boy, do you smell something?
Elaine: Do I smell something? What am I, hard of smelling? Of *course* I smell something.
Jerry: What is it?
Elaine: I think it's B.O.!
Jerry: What?
Elaine: It's B.O. The *valet* must have had B.O.
Jerry: It *can't* be. Nobody has B.O. like this.
Elaine: Jerry. It's *B*.*O*.
Jerry: But the whole car smells.
Elaine: So?
Jerry: So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it.
Elaine: I can't believe you ski!
Carl: I'm a great skier.
Elaine: Yeah? What else?
Carl: Let's see... I ski, I fish, I pillage, I plunder...
Elaine: [delightedly] Oh! You "pillage and plunder"?
Carl: ...When I travel.
Elaine: See? Finally, *finally* I get to meet a man who pillages and plunders! I'm so lucky.
George: This'll only take a second.
Kramer: Yeah, I'm going to poke around...
George: [to himself] Hey, whatd'ya know? Look at that! A *lesbian* sighting. Oh-ho! My lucky day. They're *so* fascinating. Why is that? Because they don't want us. You gotta respect that...
George: [to himself] Oh, my God! It's Susan! What do I do?
Susan: George?
George: [to himself] Argh! [to Susan] Susan! Hi! Oh, boy! What are you doing here?!
Susan: Renting a video! What do you got there?
George: Oh, ... some stupid movie...
Susan: This is Mona.
George: Oh, hi...
Mona: Pleasure to meet you.
George: Yes. Well...
Mona: Well, I'll let you two, uh... catch up.
Susan: You okay?
George: Yeah. Yes! I just haven't seen you in a long time.
Susan: And you didn't expect me to be holding hands with a woman.
George: Oh, *please*! Me? C'mon! That's *great*! Are you kidding? I think that's fan*tastic*! I've always encouraged experimentation! I'm the first guy in the pool! Who do you think you're talking to?
Susan: I *know* who I'm talking to.
George: Of course you do... It's just, uh, y'know, I-I never *knew*, uh, that, uh...
Susan: I liked women?
George: There you go.
George: So, uh, how long has this been going on?
Susan: Since you and I broke up.
George: Ssssso, after me, you... went that way?
Susan: Yeah.
George: Oh, I think that's fantastic. Good for you. Nice. That's very nice.
Susan: So, what have you got there?
George: Oh, I, uh-
Susan: Oh, ``Rochelle, Rochelle''
George: It's a foreign movie... a *film*, is what it is, actually.
Susan: Yeah... A lot of nudity in that, huh?
George: No, no, no... Just a *tiny* bit... It's not even *frontal* nudity. It's... *sidal* nudity...
Clerk: Next.
George: Oh, that's me.
Susan: Alright, well... Good seeing you, George.
George: Yes, good to see you, too. And Good luck with, uh... with the whole thing, there.
Clerk: Uh, what are you returning?
George: [embarrassed pause] ``Rochelle, Rochelle''.
Clerk: Ah, ``Rochelle, Rochelle''... "A young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk"...
Clerk: Uh, that'll be, uh... $3.49.
George: $3.49? It says $1.49.
Clerk: Well, you didn't rewind it. There's a $2.00 charge for not rewinding.
George: What! There's no signs here! This is an outrage!
Kramer: George, don't give him any money for that. It'll cost you less to keep it another day, rewind it and bring it back tomorrow. Don't give him the satisfaction.
George: I'm not giving you the satisfaction. I'm gonna watch it again...
Jerry: So, this morning I go down to the garage to check the car out. I figure by this time, the odour molecules have had at least twelve hours to de-smellify. I open the car door, like a *punch* in the *face*, the stench hits me- it's almost as if it had *gained* strength throughout the night...
Elaine: Y'know I can think of at *least* six known offensive odours that I would *rather* smell than what's livin' in your car.
Jerry: What about skunk?
Elaine: I don't mind skunk.
Jerry: Horse manure?
Elaine: I *loooove* horse manure.
Jerry: Well, I've never seen anything like this in my life. In fact, I went to the car wash, they want 250 dollars to detail it, and get the smell out. I'm not payin' for that. That's not my responsibility. In fact, I'm drivin' up to that restaurant now, and *demand* they pay for it.
Elaine: Absolutely.
Elaine: Listen, lemme ask you something. When you're with a guy, and he tells you he has to get up early, what does that mean?
Jerry: It means he's lying.
Elaine: Wow...
Jerry: Why? Is that what he told you?
Elaine: Yeah, last night. Oh, come on... Men *have* to get up early some time...
Jerry: No. Never.
Elaine: Jerry! I'm *sure* I've seen men on the street early in the morning.
Jerry: Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will *always* trade sleep for sex.
Elaine: Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am?
Jerry: Anything's *possible*...
Jerry: What's the matter with you?
Kramer: Steinbrenner! He's ruinin' my life...
Jerry: Oh yeah, Steinbrenner...
Kramer: I don't think I can take another season with him, Jerry. He'll just trade away their best young prospects, just like he did with Beuner, McGee, Drabek... McGriff...
Jerry: I know the list...
Kramer: What's that smell?
Jerry: What smell?
Kramer: Ooooh... You stink.
Jerry: Whatd'ya mean I stink?
Kramer: You *stink*. Why don't you go take a shower?
Jerry: I showered! Oh, wait a second... Since I showered, I've been in the car!
Elaine: So?
Jerry: Don't you see what's happening here? It's attached itself to me! It's alive!
Elaine: If it attached itself to you, then... Oh, my God! That's why Carl said he had to get up early! Because I stink! Jerry, he thinks I have B.O.! Me!
Kramer: What happened?
Jerry: What happened? My car *stinks* is what happened. And it's destroying the lives of everyone in it's path.
George: What is that? B.O.?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: This is *unbelievable* B.O.
Jerry: I know... I was at the car wash this morning and the guy told me in his 38 years in the business, he's never smelled anything like it.
George: So, let me ask you. Do you think I could have done this?
Jerry: No, no. It's the valet guy.
George: No, no, I mean, driving Susan to lesbianism.
Jerry: Oh... No, that's ridiculous.
George: What if her experience with me *drove* her to it?
Jerry: Suicide, maybe, not lesbianism.
George: The woman she's "lesbianing" with? Susan told me she's *never* been with a guy.
George: Oh, this isn't even B.O.! This is *beyond* B.O.! It's *B*.B.O.!
Jerry: There should be a B.O. squad that patrols the city like a "Smell Gestapo". To sniff 'em out, strip 'em down, and wash them with a big, soapy brush...
George: Y'know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now... It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, I never would've broken up with her.
Jerry: Lemme see if I understand this... On second thought...
Jerry: Here he is... that's the guy! (rolls up window) No, thank you, go back... go back... I'll park it! You go back!
Restaurateur: What do you mean- "stunk up"?
Jerry: I mean the car *stinks*! George, does the car stink?
George: Stinks.
Jerry: Stinks!
Restaurateur: Well, perhaps *you're* the one who has the odour...
Jerry: Hey, I've never smelled in my *life*, buddy!
Restaurateur: Really? Well, I smell you now.
Jerry: That's from the car!
Restaurateur: Well, maybe *you're* the one who stunk up the car, rather than the car stinking up you!
George: Oh, it's the chicken and the egg...
Jerry: Thank you very much... Well, then go out and smell the car; see which smells worse.
Restaurateur: I don't have time to smell cars.
George: Forget about smelling the car. Smell the valet. Go to the source...
Jerry: You've gotta smell the car
Restaurateur: I'm a busy man
Jerry: C'mon! One whiff!
Restaurateur: Alright, one whiff...
Restaurateur: Alright! I give up! I admit it! It stinks! Now will you let me out!
Jerry: Alright, will you pay for the cleaning?
Restaurateur: Yes! 50 dollars! I'll give you 50 dollars!
Restaurateur: I'm not paying for *that*. They've already got my seven dollars... [sarcastically] "...erotic journey from Milan to Minsk"...
Carl: The valet had such bad B.O.?
Elaine: Oh, man, just *rampant*, **mutant** B.O. The "O" went from the valet's "B", to the car, to me. It clings to everything. Jerry thinks it's an entity. But I showered and I shampoo'ed, so...
Carl: That's a relief...
Elaine: What?
Carl: It's still there...
Elaine: No, no, no! It *can't* be! I shampoo'ed! I rinsed! I repeated!
George: Listen, I gotta ask you I was a little concerned that perhaps I was responsible in some way for your, uh... metamorphosis.
Clerk: That'll be $98.00.
George: What $98.00?
Clerk: That's what I said. $98.00.
George: How could that piece of *crap* cost $98.00!?
George: So, was it me?
Susan: Oh, don't be ridiculous! Is that what you wanted to talk to me about? [Gives him the $35] Here.
George: Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot. I'll pay you back.
Susan: Yeah, *sure*... I gotta go.
George: Listen. Let me ask you something. If you and Mona were ever to... dance, how do you decide who leads? I mean... do you take turns? Do you discuss it beforehand? How does that work?
Susan: You're an idiot.
George: Why? That's a *legitimate* sociological question.
Susan: I'll see ya. And George, by the way... You stink... Real bad.
George: It's not me! It's the car!
Mona: I didn't think I'd come.
Kramer: I knew you would.
Mona: Oh, Kramer!
Car Washer: We spray everything with Ozium-D, let it de-ionise, vacuum the spray out with a de-ionising machine. Hit it with high-pressure compressed air, and wet-dry vac it to extract the remaining liquids. We top it off with one of our seven air-fresheners, in your case, I would recommend the Jasmine, or the Potpourri.
Jerry: Let's do it.
Hairdresser: The first thing we're gonna do is flush the follicles with the five essential oils. Then, we put you under a vapour machine, and then a heated cap. Then, we shampoo and shampoo and condition and condition. Then, we saturate the hair in diluted vinegar- two parts vinegar, 10 parts water. Now, if that doesn't work, we have one last resort. Tomato sauce.
Elaine: Tomato Sauce?
Jerry: Wait a minute! It still smells! It still smells!
Carl: It still smells.
Jerry: It still smells!
George: How could it still smell after all that?
Jerry: I don't know!
George: Well, what are you gonna do?
Jerry: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm selling that car!
George: You're *selling* the car!?
Jerry: You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine. Even *Superman* would be helpless against this kind of stench. And I'll take anything I can get for it.
George: Maybe I'll buy it.
Jerry: Are you crazy? Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This is not just an odour- you need a *priest* to get rid of this thing!
Elaine: I still smell!
Jerry: You see! You see what I'm saying to you? It's a presence! It's the beast!
Susan: Kramer! Kramer! Kramer, open up, I know you're in there!
Jerry: Susan!
Susan: Kramer!
Jerry: What is going on?
Susan: You know what's going on? First, he vomits on me. Then, he burns down my father's cabin. And now, he's taken Mona away from me.
George: He stole your girlfriend?
Susan: Yes. She's in *love* with him.
George: Amazing. I drive them to lesbianism, he brings 'em back.
Jerry: That's the *least* of what you've accomplished...
Elaine: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Kramer, Kramer... Hold on a second. I don't get this. This woman has *never* been with a man her *entire* life-
Kramer: I'm Kramer.
George: I know what you're going through. Women. Who knows what they want?
Susan: I just don't know what she sees in *Kramer*.
George: Listen. You're beautiful. You're intelligent. You'll meet other girls...
Susan: You think so?
George: Yes, I know so. You happen to be a very eligible lesbian.
Susan: You're very sweet...
George: Hey, I know what I'm talking about. I gotta be honest with you, I gotta tell ya... Ever since I saw you holding hands with that woman, I can't get you out of my mind.
Susan: Really?
George: Yeah, you're just so... hip.
George: Oh, my God...
Susan: What?
George: It's Allison. I dated her right after you. She's obsessed with me.
Allison: George?
George: Allison! Hi! Oh, my God! How are you?
Allison: Good. You know, you owe me $50...
George: Right. I don't have it on me. Allison, this is Susan. Susan, Allison.
Allison: Nice to meet you...
Susan: Nice to meet you...
Allison: That's a beautiful vest...
Susan: Thank you...
Kramer: I don't understand it. I was with her last night in my apartment; it was very romantic. Y'know with that fake wood wallpaper, the atmosphere is *fabulous* in there, now. It's like a ski lodge.
Salesman: What year did you say this was?
Jerry: '90.
Kramer: Anyway, we were on the couch, I move to hug her, next thing she tells me she's leaving; she's got to get up early.
Jerry: That's strange...
Salesman: How many miles you got on this thing?
Jerry: 23 000.
Kramer: And I was looking good, too. I had a nice, new shirt on, I'm wearing *your* jacket...
Jerry: Wait a second... My jacket! I wore that in the car! The Beast!
Salesman: I can't sell this car.
Jerry: This... **thing**... has got to be stopped!
Hairdresser: So, what do you want to do?
Elaine: Sauce me.


Jerry: I have a friend who is about to get married, they're having the bachelor party and the bridal shower on the same day... So it's conceivable that while she's getting the lingerie, he'd be at a nude bar watching a table dancer wearing the same outfit. That is possible. But to me, the difference between being single and being married, is the form of government. You see, when you're single, you are the dictator of your own life. I have complete power. I can give the order to fall asleep on the sofa with the TV on in the middle of the day, no-one can overrule me! When you're married, you're part of a vast decision-making body. Before anything gets done there are meetings. Committees have to study the situation. And this is if the marriage works. That's what's so painful about divorce you get impeached and you're not even the president!
George: Hey, is it my imagination, or do really good looking women walk a lot faster than everybody else?
Elaine: We don't walk that fast...
George: No seriously...
Elaine: Seriously, we don't.
George: The better looking they are, the faster they go! I mean, I see they out there on the street, they're zooming around, like a blur. Like they have a motor on their ass.
Elaine: (Yelling to Jerry in the bedroom) Hey Jerry, come on, let's go. We're gonna miss the previews!
Elaine: Hey, how are we gettin' to Scott Drake's party on Saturday night?
Jerry: Oh, Drake's party, I forgot to buy a present.
George: I gotta buy a present now?
Elaine: Of course you do, it's an engagement party.
George: It never ends, this present stuff! Engagement present! Then they get married, you gonna have to get them something for that! Then the baby, there's another present. Then the baby starts getting their presents. I don't even like Drake.
Jerry: You don't like the Drake?
George: Hate the Drake.
Elaine: I *love* the Drake.
Jerry: How could you not like the Drake?
George: Who's the Drake?
Elaine: "Who's the Drake"?
Jerry: The Drake is good!
Elaine: So listen, what are you gonna get him?
George: I haven't even met the fiancee! Whatever! (Leaves for washroom)
Jerry: Elaine, look. I drew this triangle free-hand. It's a doodle. It's perfect!
Elaine: So what? That's easy.
Jerry: Easy?
Elaine: Hi! Hey, have you gotten your present yet for the Drake?
Kramer: Uh, no, no, not yet.
Jerry: Do you like the Drake?
Kramer: I *love* the Drake! I'm looking forward to meeting the Drakette!
Elaine: I'm lukewarm about the Drakette.
Kramer: (Looking at Jerry's doodle) That's a nice triangle...
Jerry: It's Isosceles
Kramer: Ooh, Isosceles. I love the name Isosceles. If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.
Elaine: Hey, you know what, maybe we should all chip in for the gift.
Jerry: The chip-in!
Elaine: Hey, a pretty good idea, huh?
Jerry: Yeah!
Kramer: Yeah, the chip-in, defenitely!
Jerry: You know what, let's go to that mall in Liberal(sp?) before we go to the party. We'll have to take your car, it's got the most room.
Kramer: No, no! My car's not running.
Jerry: What about your father's car?
George: No, no, no. Out of the question. I was over there today. He's got the good spot in front of the good building in the good neighbourhood. I know he's not gonna wanna move.
Jerry: Are you serious?
George: You don't know what that spot means to him. Once he gets it, he doesn't go out for weeks.
Jerry: How about this, you put your car in the good spot, that'll hold the good spot in front of the good building, and we can get the good car!
George: Good thinking!
Jerry: Good to meet you!
Elaine: So what are we gonna get him?
Jerry: We could get him anything we wanted, we're chippin' in.
George: I like this area. I could live out here.
Kramer: Yeah, we ought to all get a house and live together.
Jerry: Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll tell you what chuckles, I give you permission to sublet my room right now.
George: Look at this. There's no spaces here. (to another car) Excuse me, are you gettin' out?
Man In Car: No!
Kramer: Why don't you take a handicap spot...
George: You think?
Elaine: No, no! We'll find a space. There's spaces in the other lot.
George: I don't want to walk that far.
Elaine: What if a handicapped person needs it?
Kramer: Oh, come on, they don't drive!
Jerry: Yes, they do!
Kramer: Have you ever seen a handicapped person pull into a space and park?
Jerry: Well there's spaces there, they must drive!
Kramer: Well they don't. If they could drive, they wouldn't be handicapped.
Elaine: So if you can drive, you're not handicapped?
George: Look, we're not gonna be that long anyway... we have to get to the "party"!
Kramer: I got news for you handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty.
George: He's right! It's the same thing with the femenists. You know, they want everything to be equal, everything! But when the check comes, where are they?
Elaine: What does that mean?
George: Yeah! Alright, I'm pulling in.
Kramer: Yeah, go ahead.
Elaine: George!
George: Oh, come on, it's five minutes.
Kramer: Make sure we don't forget where the car's parked.
Jerry, George, Elaine: Don't worry. We won't forget!
Jerry: Do you believe the deal we got on this? A big screen TV? At that price?
Elaine: What a sale, huh? And how about that store, delivering it tonight? We're gonna be swimming in 'thank you's...
George: What did I get the veggie burger for? You got a veggie burger, so I had to get the veggie burger, I'm allover crums...
Jerry: No-one's gonna have a better gift than this big screen TV! Good for them, love the Drake!
Elaine: Got to *love* the Drake!
Jerry: Hey, what's going on over here?
Elaine: Must have been an accident...
Jerry: (to a woman) Hey, what's going on?
Woman: Some jerk parked in a handicap spot, so this woman in a wheelchair had to wheel up this incline, and half way up her batteries gave up, and she rolled backwards into the wall. Taken her to St. Elizabeth's...
Jerry: Is she OK?
Woman: I don't know. We're just waiting here for the owner of this car to show up. May not get out alive! Thug! Taking up a handicap spot? He's gonna pay!
Jerry: Son's of bitches! Good luck finding them... him... whatever. I'd like to stick around and get my hands on him myself, but I gotta take off.
George: How are we gonna get out of here? They'll kill us!
Elaine: (to George) Are you happy now?
Kramer: Who would think these people we're gonna be here?
Jerry: I don't know...
Elaine: What about the party? What about the Drake?
George: Screw the Drake!
Jerry: I love the Drake!
Kramer: Let's just take a bus back to the city.
George: Can't leave the car here!
Kramer: Why not?
George: It's my father's car!
Man: Let's smash it!
Everybody: Yeah! Yeah!
Jerry: Let's get out of here.
George: What are we gonna do? How are we gonna get out of here?
Jerry: The thing is, even if we go back by the car, and there's nobody there, how do we know they're not all hiding, waiting for us?
Elaine: Well, they have to give up some time, they can't stay out there all night?
Jerry: What are we, John Dillinger? How did this get to be the crime of the century? It's not like we stuck a broomstick in her spokes and she went flying...
George: What I don't get is, just because the battery is dead, you think she'd be able to roll up the hill with her hands!
Kramer: You'd think...
George: I mean, batteries have gone dead before, aren't they prepared for that?
Kramer: Most of them don't even have batteries.
George: Must be one of those rich, spoiled handicapped people, who didn't want to do any work, and just wanted to sit in her wheelchair and take it easy.
Kramer: Yeah...
George: Well, I'm sorry!
Elaine: Our big screen TV is probably arriving right now...
George: How are we gonna get out of here? We need a plan!
Jerry: I got it! (snaps his fingers) We give the keys to Elaine.
Elaine: Me?
Jerry: Yeah! You're a woman! Men don't hit a woman!
Elaine: Oh, they won't?
Jerry: Not if they don't know you...
Elaine: I'm not going for this, Kramer should go! It was all his idea!
Kramer: No chance in hell!
Jerry: What if we created some sort of diversion? What if we all went by the car and started screaming "There he is, there's the guy that took the handicap spot!" And then, when they all run into the other direction, we'll jump in the car!
George: That's good, we'll give it a try...
Elaine: That's good...
Jerry: That doesn't work, we'll give 'em Kramer!
Kramer: Huh?
Jerry: (as George picks up a broken piece of his car) You know, a lot of these scratches will buff right out...
Frank: Eight years have I had this car. Not a scratch on it! Eight years!
Frank: A beautiful Mercury! I special-ordered that bench seat!
George: Dad, that other car cut us off! They had swastikas all over it... They were hurling racial epiphates at us... I could have been killed!
Estelle: (to Frank) I told you not to give it to him!
Frank: (to George) You know, my insurance doesn't cover this? The whole thing is a total loss!
Mahjong Lady: Frank, the important thing is, he didn't get hurt!
Frank: No it isn't!
Mahjong Lady: So what are you doing now, Georgie?
George: I'm uh... writing a pilot for NBC...
Frank: Where the hell is my paper?
Mahjong Lady: You're writing a pilot?
Estelle: With his friend, Jerry Seinfeld... the comedian...
Mahjong Lady: So what's it about?
George: Well, Jerry's car gets hit and the other driver doesn't have any insurance, so the judge
Mahjong Lady: This is the same situation! Frank, maybe you ought to make him your butler!
Estelle: Every time you're with that Kramer, something happens... He's a real trouble maker!
George: Nah, he didn't have anything to do with it...
Estelle: He's all together crazy, that one! Jerry? I used to think was nice... I don't know what happened to him...
Jerry: (to the Drake) So it was a good party, huh? Oh... you're welcome, you're welcome... (to Elaine) They loved the TV, *loved* it!
Elaine: Oh, yeah...
Jerry: (to the Drake) Oh, wait a second, I'll ask her.. that's a great idea. (To Elaine) Drake wants to know if we want to come out to Minneolis this afternoon, since we missed the partly last night, to maybe get something to eat?
Elaine: Sure!
Jerry: (to the Drake) Sure! ... Okay... Don't worry, I'm taking MY car! ... okay... okay, see you later... bye...
Jerry: The Drake is great!
Elaine: Hmm.. he's so nice! I'm really happy for them.
Jerry: Yeah. Well, I don't know if I'm happy for them, I mean I'm glad they're happy, but, frankly, that doesn't do anything for me.
Jerry: Yes?
George: It's me.
Jerry: Come on up.
Kramer: Hey. I just came from St. Elizabeth's.
Jerry: St. Elizabeth's Hospital? Why?
Kramer: Well, the handicapped woman? I went to see her.
Elaine: You went to see her?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: Wow, what happened?
Kramer: I'm in love.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Yeah, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I love her Jerry, I really love her. I'm gonna ask her to marry me. She's got everything I've always wanted in another human being. Except for the walking.
Jerry: Oh, what's the difference, you don't go out that much.
Kramer: Ah, I'm glad you're here.
George: What?
Kramer: Alright, now, we gotta go out. We gotta buy a wheelchair.
George: A wheelchair? What for?
Kramer: Well, you know I went to the hospital today, and I saw the woman, you know, and the wheelchair is totalled, we gotta get her another one!
George: Doesn't she have collision?
Kramer: George, I'm in love with her!
George: Well, my father works for the United Volunteers, maybe he can get her one.
Kramer: No! She needs it now!
George: What about these two? Aren't they gonna chip in?
Kramer: Well...
Elaine: Hey, we told you not to park there!
George: Can't we just fix the old one?
Kramer: Alright, alright. Fine George! Don't chip in! But some day, we're gonna be driving along, we're gonna look out the window, and see her crawling along 5th avenue! Is that what you want?
George: Alright, alright! We'll buy her a wheelchair! Wheelchairs, engagement presents.. IT NEVER ENDS!
Salesman: This is out best model. The Cougar 9000. It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. This is like... you're almost glad to be handicapped.
Kramer: So now, what's this got?
Salesman: Inductive joystick, dynamic braking, flip-up arms, it's fully loaded. I put Stephen Hawking in one of these two months ago, he's lovin' it! It's rated number one by Hospital Supply and Prosthetic Magazine.
George: How much?
Salesman: 6200.
George: Do you have something a little more... less expensive?
Jerry And Elaine: Hey Drake! Hi Drake!
Jerry: Hey Alison! Hey, there's the TV, Elaine, look at that!
Elaine: My God this is fantastic! Tell me, were you guys just blown away or what?
The Drake: Oh yeah, yeah... it's fantastic...
Jerry: I am gonna make good use of this! I'm watching every superbowl here, every big fight...
Elaine: Oh man, there is nothing like a really big TV, huh?
Jerry: So where're we eatin'?
The Drake: Well, actually... Jerry...
Elaine: I'm *really* hungry!
The Drake: ... we just broke up...
Jerry: When did this happen?
The Drake: About 20 minutes ago... Hey, I am really sorry about this guys... whew!
Jerry: (looking at the TV) Look at the picture on this thing...
Elaine: Oh, cristal clear!
Jerry: They know how to make 'em...
Elaine: Are there any good Italian restaurants around here?
The Drake: (through his sobbing) Gagliano's... that's pretty good...
Jerry: Well... we should...
Elaine: Get movin'...
Jerry: Yeah... Hey, Drake, what ever happens, I am sure it'll be for the best.
Elaine: Take it easy. Bye-Bye Alison!
Elaine: Oh, the remote! Okay, I'm just gonna put it on top of the television...
Salesman: Alright, this one is about 8 years old. Not a scratch on it, it was owned by some lady who only used it to go from the bathroom to the kitchen and to feed her cat.
Kramer: But this'll get you around?
Salesman: Oh sure, it just doesn't have any of the thrills of the Cougar.
George: Like what?
Salesman: For example, your tremor-damping.
Kramer: Now what's that?
Salesman: It helps to control the direction regardless of the operator's tremors or spasticity.
Kramer: Well, is it alright if I try it?
Salesman: Hop in!
Kramer: Oh yeah!
Salesman: I tell ya...
Salesman: When I see someone enjoying themselves like that, it reminds me why I got into this business in the first place.
George: How much?
Salesman: How about $240?
George & Kramer: We'll take it!
Elaine: Drake gave her the TV?
Jerry: He gave her all the gifts; he felt guilty.
Elaine: Well, she can't keep it, it's not fair, that's *our* TV!
Jerry: I know it is!
Elaine: Boy, I am really starting to dislike the Drake!
Jerry: I hate the Drake! Maybe the whole thing was a scam. Anybody can just get engaged and get presents and just keep them all. Maybe they're on their way to Chicago tomorrow and do the whole thing all over again.
Elaine: They don't know anybody in Chicago.
Jerry: Don't worry, they'll make friends fast with that nice TV.
George: Hey.
Jerry: Hey, guess what? The Drake broke up.
Jerry: I don't know about defraying.
George: Why?
Jerry: We're not gettin' that TV.
George: What do you mean? The engagement is off, we get the TV back. That's business.
Elaine: The Drakette took it.
George: She can't take it. It's not hers, it's theirs. Once there's no theirs there's no hers, it should be ours.
Elaine: Well, she has it!
George: (upset) I *told* you the Drake was bad! I hate the Drake!
George: Maybe we should call her.
Elaine: Well, who's gonna call?
Jerry: You are.
Elaine: What? Why is it me who always has to do these things?
Jerry: Because that's your thing!
Elaine: What? Calling people I hardly know, and demanding they return expensive gifts, that's my "thing"?
Jerry: Yeah, that's your thing.
Elaine: Alright, gimme the phone... it's my "thing"...
Jerry: (to George) You know, I'm thinking about getting a yo-yo.
George: Really?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: I could see that...
(Alison Through Phone): Hello?
Elaine: Alison! Hi, this is Elaine...
(Alison Through Phone): I gave all the gifts to charity.
Elaine: Oh, Okay... well thanks a lot... sorry again about you and the Drake...
(Alison Though Phone): I hate the Drake.
Elaine: Everybody does. Bye-bye...
Elaine: She gave it to charity.
Jerry: Charity?!? That's apalling.
George: How could anybody be so selfish and inconsiderate!
Kramer: Well, I gave her the wheelchair! You should have seen the look on her face. And then she told me, that the old wheelchair, that wasn't any good anyway! So you see George, the whole incident was a God blessing! Yeah!
George: You mean a blessing in disguise?
Kramer: Yeah...
Lady: And I would also like to personally thank our gracious host Frank Costanza, who has earned the silver circle award and is our unanimous choice for the United Volunteer Representative of the Month!
Lady: Due to his tireless effort, he personally raised over $22,000. That's a lot of wheelchairs!
Lady: On behalf of the United Volunteers of Greater New York, we thank you!
Frank: Well... thank you very much!
Cop: Mr. Costanza?
Frank: Yes?
Cop: You're under arrest.
Frank: Under arrest? What for?
Cop: Reckless endangerment of public safety, and violation of traffic code 342-A.
Frank: What's that?
Cop: Parking in a handicap spot. Let's go...
Frank: George! George!
Jerry: Your father got arrested? For what?
George: Parking in a handicap spot. Right in the middle of his United Volunteers meeting. When he got back, he chased after me with a baseball bat.
Jerry: Ho-ly!
George: Between the car getting totalled, the towing charge and the fine, there's no way I can ever pay him back...
Jerry: So what are you gonna do?
George: I agreed to become his butler.
Jerry: What?
Jerry: What's the matter?
Kramer: It's over!
Jerry: What's over?
Kramer: Me and Lola...
George: The woman we bought the wheelchair for?
Kramer: Yeah, she dumped me!
Jerry: She dumped you?
Kramer: She dumped me! She rolled right over me! Said I was a hipster dufus. Am I a hipster dufus?
Jerry & George: (hesitatingly) ... no...
Kramer: Said I'm not good looking enough for her. Not good looking! Jerry, look at me, look at my face, huh, am I beautiful? George, am I beautiful?
George: ...you're very attractive...
Kramer: yeah... she says she doesn't wanna see me again. Told me to drop dead!
Jerry: Drop dead?
George: Boy, even I never heard that one...
Jerry: She's pretty rough!
Kramer: Yeesh-jip!
George: Well, we just blew 240 bucks on a wheelchair.
Jerry: 240 bucks?
George: Well, it was slightly used...
Jerry: Used?
Frank (Picking Up His Shoes): I don't think you did such a good job on these...
George: What!?
Frank: You're supposed to your face there! Do you see your face in there?
Frank: Yeah? ...oh really?...oh... how about that?... Right down a hill huh? Okay! Alight! Bye!
Frank: George, forget about the shoes. Want you to do something for me (scribbles something on a piece of paper). This handicapped woman had an accident. Somebody gave her a used wheelchair with defective brakes.
George: Sons of bitches!
Frank: Anyway, I want you to pick up this big screen TV, and deliver it to her.
George: Big screen TV?
Frank: Do you think you can handle it?
Allison: Yes?
George: Hi, we're from the United Volunteers, we've come to pick up the TV.
Allison: Oh great, it's right over there.
Kramer: Ooh, it's a big one!
George: Who's got the receipt?
Elaine: I do.
George: Will they give us cash?
Jerry: That's their policy.
George: I hate this mall, there are never any spaces here...
Kramer: Why don't you park in front of the hydrant?
George: What if there is a fire?
Kramer: What are the chances of that?


[Setting: night club]
Jerry: To me, the whole concept of fear of success is proof that we are definitely scraping the bottom of the fear barrel. Are we gonna have to have AA-type meetings for these people? They'll go "Hi, my name is Bill, and the one thing I'm worried about is to have a stereo and a cream-colored couch." According to most studies, people's number-one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. *Death* is number two! Now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
[Setting: Jerry's]
Kramer: Why can't I play Kramer?
Jerry: Look we've been through this already. You're not an actor!
Kramer: Neither are you.
Jerry: I know. So why do we need two people in the show that can't act?
Kramer: Oh come on Jerry. How hard is it to act. You say something, I'll pretend it's funny.
Jerry: My grandmother's in the hospital.
Kramer: Ha ha ha. Your grandmother's in the hospital!
Jerry: This is real believable.
Kramer: What you didn't think I was really laughing?
Jerry: It stinks.
Kramer: Let me see you do it.
Jerry: Say something funny.
Kramer: Alright. I've never been to Mars but I imagine it's quite lovely.
Jerry: Ah.....
Kramer: Mine was better than that! Come on look. (starts to laugh again, Jerry too)
George: Why are two pretending to be laughing?
Jerry: We're acting. (they stop laughing)
George: Oh, real good. (George makes a face like you stink) Any word from NBC?
Jerry: No.
George: I don't understand. They're supposed to be casting this week. Something's wrong. Maybe they're not doing it.
Kramer: (to Jerry) Well at least let me audition.
Jerry: (to George) He wants to play Kramer in the Pilot.
Kramer: (to George) Yeah!
George: Out of the question.
Kramer: Oughh!
George: (to Jerry) How could we not hear anything? What's with this Russel? What's he doing? (Jerry raises his arms and shoulders like he doesn't know)
[Setting: Peter McManus cafe, an Italian restaurant]
Russell: I really appreciate you coming.
Elaine: Oh, that's O.K. I don't have much time though. So...
Russell: All right, first of all, I want to apologize for all the phone calls. It's just-It's just- (awkward pause) I don't understand, we went out once...
Elaine: That was two months ago.
Russell: Yes I know. I just- I can't get you out of my mind. Ever since that- that day in the restaurant when we met... (we see a flashback from 'The Shoes' of Elaine showing her cleavage and asking Russell for his Ketchup secret)
Elaine: Russell, you are the president of NBC. You can have any woman you want. (picks up the bowl of munchies on the table)
Russell: But I want you.
Elaine: God I hate these mixtures. Why don't they just put pretzels on the table. Even peanuts would be good, but I don't know how eats these cheesy things (she does).
Russell: Is it something I said... or did?
Elaine: Um... Look Russell... You're a very sweet guy. But I got to be honest with you. I don't like television... and that's your world. That's your life. I mean maybe if you were in... I don't know... Greenpeace or something, that would be different, but network television... I mean, come on, Russell, you're part of the problem.
Russell: Oh Elaine, we're doing some really very interesting things right now. We've got some very exciting pilots for next season. We have one with a bright young comedian, Jerry Seinfeld.
Elaine: Oh yeah, oh yeah. I've heard of him. He's that "Did you ever notice this? Did you ever notice that?" guy.
Russell: Yeah. Anyway it's a ground breaking show.
Elaine: Really? What is it about?
Russell: (a little more enthusiast) Well, really, it's very unusual. It's about nothing.
Elaine: (surprised) What do you mean it's about nothing?
Russell: (starts doing George at the first meeting with NBC in 'The Pitch') For example, what did you do today?
Elaine: Um, I got up. Um, I went to work. Then I came here.
Russell: There's a show. that's a show.
Elaine: Russell, see, I'm really not interested in this stuff and I do have to go to work (she gets up). So...
Russell: (stops doing George, he's down again) Elaine, When-when-when are we gonna see each other again.
Elaine: I'm sorry Russell. I'm sorry O.K.? Bye-bye. (Russell, still sitting watches her leaving).
[Setting: Jerry's]
Jerry: Hello? Yeah he's here. (to Kramer) Hey! It's for you.
George: He's getting phone calls here now? (he's standing near the counter and eating chips out of a big bag)
Jerry: (to George) Again with the sweat pants?
George: What? I'm comfortable.
Jerry: You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You're telling the world "I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable." (George is baffled)
Kramer: (to the phone) Hold on a second I got another call. Hello? Yeah, he'll call you back. (Jerry and George look at each other)
Jerry: (to Kramer) Who is it?
Kramer: That's NBC.
Jerry: NBC!?! Give me the phone!
Kramer: I'm in the middle of a conversation here.
Jerry: Get off the phone!
Kramer: (to the phone) Look, I'll call you back. (hangs up)
Jerry: You know I'm waiting to hear from them. Who was it?
Kramer: Russell Dalrimple's secretary.
Jerry: All right. Now you're doing something to help me. (to the phone) Hello yeah it's Jerry Seinfeld returning the call. Uh-huh.. O.K. great thanks a lot. (hangs up)(to George) Casting tomorrow at NBC. 400. We're in business baby, the pilot's on. You're gonna successful. (George looks disappointed)
[Setting: Dana's office]
George: What if the pilot gets picked up and it becomes a series?
Dana: That'd be wonderful George, you'll be rich and successful.
George: Yeah, that's exactly what I'm worried about. God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy.
Dana: I thought you didn't believe in God?
George: I do for the bad things.
Dana: Do you hear what you're saying? God isn't out to get you George. What... What is that on your lip?
George: What?
Dana: It's like a discoloration. It's white.
George: (gets up and picks a mirror) Yes. Yes, it's white. Why it's white.
Dana: You'd better get that checked out.
George: Better get that checked out?
Dana: I would.
George: What kind of a therapist are you? I'm telling I'm scared that something terrible is gonna happen to me, right away you start looking for tumors?
Dana: I'm trying to help you.
George: What are you like a sadist? No matter how bad somebody feels, you can make 'em feel worse. I bet you're rooting for a tumor. (pointing to her)
Dana: I think you'd better go.
George: Oh I'm going baby! I'm going! (he leaves)
[Setting: Jerry and George in a cab at a light]
Jerry: Where?
George: Right here. (showing his lip)
Jerry: Get out of here, it's nothing. (Jerry knows George is hypochondriac. See 'The Heart Attack')
George: (to the cab driver) Excuse me, do you see anything on my lip here?
Cabbie: Yeah, it's like a discoloration.
George: Oh, my God.
Cabbie: Yeah, it's all white.
George: (to Jerry) It's all white Jerry! It's all white!
Jerry: Would you stop?
Cabbie: I would get that checked out if I were you.
George: Again with the checked out. I'm not going to the doctor. If I don't to the doctor, then nothing will happen to me. If I go he might find something.
Jerry: If you go, maybe they'll catch it in time.
George: Catch what in time?
Jerry: Whatever it is.
George: You think it's something?
Cabbie: Ah! I hate these bums with their filthy rags. No no no, I don't want it, get away, get away from my car (he starts his wipers)
Jerry: (to George) You know these squeegee- Oh my God! It's crazy Joe Devola.
Joe Devola: (through the opened window's cab) Good luck on the pilot Jerry. (the cab pulls away)
[Setting: NBC]
Stu: (to George) Yeah I think I see it. It's like a white discoloration.
George: (to Jay) What do you think it is?
Jay: It's like a... white discoloration. (we understand now why a sitcom needs so many producers)
Casting Director: O.K. guys, are we ready to start?
Jerry: Yeah, where is Russell? I thought he was gonna be here.
Stu: Oh you know I don't know. I saw him in the hall this morning, I said hello to him. He walked right past me.
Jay: He must be worried about the fall schedule.
Stu: Ah, it's a real bear.
George: Yeah. So what's going on? We're gonna shoot the pilot and then it's gonna be on TV the following week?
Stu: Yeah. Right.
Casting Director: This is Mark Matts. He'll be auditioning for the role of George. (the guy looks very cool and casual, and has a lot of hair)
Mark: Hey how you doing?
Jerry: (thinking) They've gotta be kidding.
George: (thinking) This guy's perfect.
Casting Director: O.K. Let's read this. I'll be reading Jerry's part.
Mark: Anyone call for Vandelay Industries? (George is the only one in the room to find Mark funny)
Casting Director: No. Why?
Mark: Listen to me. I told the unemployment office I was close to a job with Vandelay Industries and I gave them your phone number. So, when you answer the phone now, you've got to say "Vandelay Industries".
Casting Director: I'm Vandelay Industries?
Mark: Right.
Casting Director: What is that?
Mark: You're in latex.
Casting Director: What do I do with latex?
Mark: I don't know, you manufacture it.
Casting Director: This is Michael Barth. Another George. (he's in sweat pants, bald, with glasses)
All: Hi Michael. How you doing?
Jerry: Everything all right?
Michael: I just came from the podiatrist. I have a mole on my foot. I've got a little gangrene, they're probably gonna have to amputate. (everyone laugh except George)
Casting Director: Any questions?
Michael: Yeah. What are we looking at here? Is this guy like a real loser?
George: No, not a loser!
Casting Director: Let's start with the second scene. You have it here?
Michael: A man gave me a, you know, massage. (everyone laugh except George)
Casting Director: So?
Michael: Well, he- he had his hands, you know, and uh, he was, huh, ...
Casting Director: He was what?
Michael: He was you know... he was touching and rubbing. (loud laughter)
Casting Director: That's a massage.
Michael: I think it moved.
Casting Director: This is Melissa Shannon.
Melissa: Hi.
All: Hi. How you doing.
Casting Director: Melissa is reading for Elaine.
Melissa: It's like a bald convention out there! (she saw George) Sorry. I, uh, made a faux pas.
Jerry: No you didn't. He knows he's bald.
Melissa: So how about that guy wearing sweat pants? I mean did he do that for the part or does he walk around like that? (Jerry approves with a nod, George drops his notepad on the coffee table)
Casting Director: O.K. Shall we start? (Melissa and the casting director sit down)
Jerry: (getting up) Uh, you know what? I'll read with her.
Melissa: Oh, great.
Jerry: Alright, want to start?
Melissa: Yeah.
Jerry: O.K.
Melissa: Ahem. What was that look?
Jerry: What look?
Melissa: That look you just gave me?
Jerry: I gave a look?
Melissa: Yes.
George: Thank you! Thank you very much. (Jerry and Melissa stop and look at George)
Casting Director: Let's see some more Kramers.
All: Hi. How you doing?
Tom: (to Jerry and very seriously) How you doing?
Jerry: (smiling and surprised at the way Tom is talking) Good.
Casting Director: What is this about?
Tom: (standing) Levels.
Casting Director: Levels?
Tom: Yeah. I'm getting rid of all, all my furniture. All of it! I'm building... levels... with steps... completely carpeted... (making the gesture of carpeting steps) with pillows. (everyone laugh. He sits down) Like Ancient Egypt.
Casting Director: I don't know how you're gonna be comfortable like that?
Tom: Oh! I'll be comfortable. (laughter, applause. He gets up, goes to the coffee table)
George: Very nice
Jerry: Very good
George: Very nice Tom, that was terrific.
Tom: May I? (pointing the box of raisins)
George: Sure. Thank you for coming in. (Tom eats some raisins)
Jerry: (to George) It was a wonderful reading.
George: Yeah. Really.
Tom: Well, bye.
George: Take care. Take it easy. (Tom leaves with the casting director)
Stu: Now, I thought he was really good, very funny.
Jerry: Yeah, I liked him.
George: What happened to the raisins?
Jay: Yeah, there was a box of raisins there!
George: Did he just steal the raisins?
Stu: You think he stole them?
Casting Director: (enters with the real Kramer) This is Martin Van Nostrand.
Jerry: (to Kramer) What are you doing here?
Casting Director: You two know each other?
Stu: Wait a minute, I know you. You're the guy from the Calvin Klein underwear ads.
Kramer: That's true.
Kramer: (acting very bad) I saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Doughnuts again, but this time, I went in. (pause, stops acting) Oh! Uh, where's the bathroom?
Stu: I think if you go down the hall, it's on the right at the very end.
Kramer: Yeah. Be right back. (Kramer leaves)
(We See Kramer, Groaning And Holding His Stomach, Running Down The Hall, And Opening The Bathroom'S Door. Someone In There Says: "Sorry buddy, full house." We then see Kramer outside leaving the building and running across the street to a restaurant "Sorry, customers only" ...running into a movie theater "Hey you need a ticket!" ...running through the park...)
[Setting: Monk's]
Elaine: So who's playing Elaine?
Jerry: Oh, don't worry about it. Very talented, very takented young actress.
Elaine: Really?
Jerry: Yes.
Elaine: Who is it?
Jerry: She's an eskimo, actually.
Elaine: Oh, my God (not in the mood to be kidding)
Jerry: She came down from Juno by sleigh, she was in the Iditarod. Got to the finish line, just kept going. She's got the dogs with her in the hotel room.
Elaine: Listen, was Russell at the casting?
Jerry: No, he didn't show up.
Elaine: You know, I'm a little bit worried about him. I don't understand. We had one date two months ago. Am I that charming and beautiful?
Jerry: No. No you're not.
Elaine: Why do I keep setting you up?
Jerry: I don't know.
Elaine: (to the waitress) Could we get a little more? (she doesn't listen and walks away) Aghh... You know ever since this new owner took over, the service here is *really* slow.
Jerry: Yeah. Have you noticed anything else that's different since the new management?
Elaine: Mmm. They're putting a little lemon in the tuna. I love that.
Jerry: Beside that. Look at the waitresses.
Elaine: Yeah? (we see that all the waitresses have big breasts)
Jerry: What physical characteristic would you say is common to all of them?
Elaine: Ah...
Jerry: I mean look at this. Every waitress working here has the same proportions. Wouldn't you say?
Elaine: Yes, I would say.
Jerry: What's going on here. How is that possible?
Elaine: Do you think it's a coincidence?
Jerry: No. I haven't seen four women like this together outside of a Russ Meyer film.
Elaine: (to the waitress) Hi. Excuse me. Who does all the hiring waitresses here?
Waitress: He does. (pointing to the manager, Mr. Visaki) In fact we're looking for another girl if you know anyone. (she walks away)
Elaine: You know what? That's discriminatory. That is unfair. Why should these women have all the advantages? It's not enough they get all the attention from men, they have to get all the waitress jobs, too?
Jerry: Hey that's life. Good-looking men have the same advantages. You don't see any handsome homeless.
[Setting: doctor's clinic]
George: You see, It's right here. It's all white...
Doctor: Oh yeah. Yeah. I've never seen this before.
George: You've never seen this before?
Doctor: I'm gonna have to take a biopsy on that. (George grabs the doctor's arm)
George: (dramatically) A what?
Doctor: A biopsy.
George: A biopsy?
Doctor: Yeah.
George: Cancer? Is it cancer? Do I have cancer?
Doctor: Well I don't know what it is.
[Setting: Jerry's]
George: A biopsy!
Jerry: What did he say?
George: He said he didn't know what it was.
Jerry: Alright. So?
George: When I asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me a "get outta here". That's what I wanted to hear "Cancer? Get outta here?"
Jerry: Well, maybe he doesn't have a "get outta here" kind of personality.
George: How could you be a doctor and not say "get outta here"? It should be part of the training at medical school "Cancer? Get outta here!" "Go home! What are you crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut. You know that?" (Jerry gives him half of his sandwich to hopefully shut him up) I told you that God would never let me be successful. I never should've written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead Jerry. Because of this. (showing his lip)
Jerry: Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
George: No I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity?
Jerry: Hey. What happened to you yesterday?
Kramer: I got mugged.
George: You got mugged?
Jerry: Mugged?
Kramer: Well, I wouldn't have minded it so much but I was running home to go to the bathroom.
Jerry: Why didn't you use the bathroom in the building?
Kramer: It was full. I tried a few other places, you know, but that didn't work. I mean it was an emergency Jerrry. I was really percolating... So I decided to run home through the park and then these two guys they stopped me and...
Jerry: Yeah?
Elaine: It's me.
Jerry: Come on up.
Kramer: But now I have a big problem, buddy.
Jerry: What is it?
Kramer: Well, I waited so long I- I missed my chance.
Jerry: You didn't go?
Kramer: No. And now I can't get it back.
Jerry: The % thing to do is just not think about it.
Kramer: How could you not think about it?
Elaine: Hey.
Kramer: (mumbles and leaves)
Elaine: What's the matter with him?
Jerry: He's a little backed up.
Elaine: Oh...
George: Elaine.
Elaine: So I spoke to some of my sisters about that coffee shop.
Jerry: Oh, the sisters (he sits at the table)
George: (to Jerry) Have you seen the waitresses in there lately? I never had so much coffee in my life.
Elaine: So we decided I should go over there and apply for a job myself.
George: Apply for a job? What for?
Elaine: Because, it's discriminatory (she comes back wearing one of Jerry's shirts, untucked)
George: It's a coincidence.
Jerry: This is what you gonna wear?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: You're not gonna get the job.
Elaine: Exactly.
Jerry: (to the phone) Hello. Oh, hi. Yeah I guess we could do that. At what time? All right. I'll see you there. O.K., bye. (hangs up)
Elaine: Who was it?
Jerry: TV Elaine. She wants to get together and talk about the part.
Elaine: What about the dogs?
Jerry: They're having sex in the hotel room.
[Setting: Peter McManus cafe, same table as earlier]
(Jerry And Tv Elaine: Sandi Robbins)
Sandi: So, the Elaine character is based on someone you know.
Jerry: Yes.
Sandi: And she's really your ex-girlfriend?
Jerry: Uh, Huh, yeah.
Sandi: I want to get to know her from the inside. What is she like? Tell me about her.
Jerry: Well, she's fascinated with Greenland. She enjoys teasing animals, banlon, and seeing people running for their lives. She loves throwing garbage out the window, yet she's extremely dainty.
Sandi: How would she eat a hamburger?
Jerry: With her hands.
Sandi: What about pasta?
Jerry: Also with her hands.
Sandi: Seriously... I want to experience everything she's experienced.
Jerry: Everything?
Sandi: Everything.
Jerry: All right she cuts her pasta with a knife.
Sandi: That's good. What's her favorite movie?
Jerry: Shaft.
Sandi: You got to get me a picture. What about sex?
Jerry: She likes talking during sex.
Sandi: Oh... dirty talking?
Jerry: No. Just chitchat, movies, current events, regular stuff. You know Sandi- (looking at his watch)
Sandi: Elaine.
Jerry: What?
Sandi: Call me Elaine.
Jerry: All right. Elaine.
Sandi: How does Elaine kiss?
Jerry: Well-
Sandi: Does she kiss... like this? (she kisses Jerry)
Jerry: Actually she has a thing where she spirals her tongue around, it's like-
Sandi: Like this? (kisses again but with the spiral)
Jerry: I think you got it.
[Setting: Monk's]
Kramer: I like to eat spaghetti with just a fork. Because I can keep the strands long, and I can slurp it out to my mouth. Like this look. (faking to slurp spaghetti) Now sex, I like the bottom. Let them do all the work. You should be writing this stuff down... (waitress comes to take the order) Bran lakes...100%. I got a big problem.
Tom: I'll have a hamburger. That's it.
Kramer: Yeah, that's good. Oh, now I like to play golf.
Tom: This stuff doesn't matter to me. See, I'm gonna do the character like me, not like you.
Kramer: You gotta play him like me. I'm Kramer.
Tom: I'm Kramer.
Kramer: Whoa, I'm Kramer.
Mr. Visaki: (foreign accent) What can I do for you? Would you like a table.
Elaine: No, I'd like to apply for a waitress job.
Mr. Visaki: (looks Elaine up and down) Have you ever waited on tables before.
Elaine: Oh yeah. I've been a professional waitress for the last 10 years. I've worked all over the city. These, uh, are my references. I'm sure you'll find that I'm more than qualified.
Mr. Visaki: I don't think I need anyone else right now.
Elaine: You're in big trouble mister. And I mean trouble with a capital 'T'. (she leaves)
Mr. Visaki: What? What did I do?
[Setting: The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission Office]
Elaine: Anyway there's at least four of them, and they're all huge. And one is bigger than the next. It's like a Russ Meyer movie.
Fred: Who's Russ Meyer?
Elaine: Oh, he's this guy who made these terrible movies in the 70's with these kinds of women. He's obsessed. He's obsessed with breasts. That's hard to say.
Fred: Anyway, go on.
Elaine: Um... Well, there's not really much more to tell. He was looking for waitresses, and I went in to apply for the job. And, he looked me up and down and he rejected me.
Fred: (to a guy in the hall at the water cooler machine) Paul. Come in for a second. I want you to listen to this.
Paul: (to Elaine) Hi.
Elaine: Hi.
Fred: Paul, woman here claims there's a restaurant on the West side that's only hiring large-breasted women.
Paul: (to Elaine) Really?


[Setting: NBC, pilot's set]
Tom: What do you mean made up?
Jerry: It's made up. Haagen-Dazs is made up. It's not Danish.
Tom: You're crazy.
Jerry: No I'm not. (to Michael) George. Is Haagen-Dazs Danish?
Michael: What do you mean Danish?
George: (to the guy next to him) This guy stinks. (speaking of Michael)
Jerry: Danish. Is it from Denmark?
Michael: No, they make it in New Jersey. It's just a Danishy name.
Tom: I can't believe that. They fooled *me* Jerry.
Rita: (to Jay) Boy, talk about a show about nothing. (Jay, the integral producer, smiles stupidly)
George: Uh, excuse me. (stopping them from rehearsing) Excuse me. (he walks to the guy's in charge of yelling "take #!") This-This is not right. May I? (the guy looks at George with a bothered face. George then walks up to Tom and takes him away from Jerry and Michael to talk to him in private)(to Tom) You see, you're going "They fooled *me* Jerry!" (George shakes his head with disapproval) You wanna hit 'fooled' more "They *fooled* me Jerry!". You see the difference?
Tom: I'm not gonna say it like that.
George: Just a suggestion. (chuckles and walks back to the yelling guy)
Yelling Guy: (with the same bothered face and while he's looking at George) All right everybody, take a five.
George: (very casual and raising his hand in the air) Yep. That's five!
Jerry: George? (walks away to talk privately. George, still casual, taps on Jerry's shoulder) I don't have a lot of experience with this acting stuff. But from what I can gather, they're a little touchy about being told how to say the lines.
George: Why is that?
Jerry: I don't know, but they don't seem to like it. By the way how am I doing?
George: Oh, you're fine... you're fine. (looking at Tom in the back and then quieter to Jerry) So you think this guy playing Kramer took the raisins?
Jerry: Why would he steal a box of raisins?
George: Yeah, it's bizarre. (they both look around them suspiciously)
Rita: (to Jay about Russell) What's with him? (to Russell) Russell? (louder) Russell?
Russell: What?
Rita: You O.K.?
Russell: Yeah. No, uh, I was just thinking of something. I'll be back in a second. (he gets up and leaves)
Sandi: What's the matter?
Jerry: Nothing.
Sandi: You're acting weird. Is anything wrong?
Jerry: No.
Sandi: Are you breaking up with me?
Jerry: Are we going out?
Sandi: You're breaking up with me, aren't you? (almost crying)
Jerry: Do you want me to break up with you?
Sandi: If that's what you want.
Jerry: I don't even know what you're talking about.
Sandi: Fine. Break up with me.
Jerry: All right. We're broken up.
Sandi: (little pause) Can we still be friends? (Jerry raises his head, staring ahead and wondering what's going on)
George: Remember when you came to audition for us?
Tom: Yeah.
George: There was a box of raisins on the coffee table. Did you, by any chance, take them with you when left?
Tom: What are you talking about?
George: Well we were all eating the raisins. And I remember you-you were eating some of the raisins. And then you left, and the raisins were gone. And I was just wondering if, you know (chuckles), maybe you took them with you.
Tom: Are you accusing me of stealing the raisins?
George: Oh, no, no-
Tom: (angry) Why would I steal a box of raisins!?
George: No you wouldn't. Nobody would. It's just that... they were missing, and... well I'm just inquiring. (chuckles nervously)
Tom: Let me give you a word of advice. O.K.? I want you to stay away from me. I don't wanna talk to you, and I don't wanna hear anymore of your stupid little notes and suggestions. I don't like you. So if you got any other problems whether it's raisins, prunes, figs, or any other dried fruit, just keep it to yourself and stay out of my way, O.K.?
George: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All right. I don't think we're gonna have any problem with that. (chuckles nervously) Good talking to you Tom. Really.
Russell: (nervously, almost desperately) Elaine. Elaine. What do you want? What can I do? Is it my job? Is that what it is? Elaine I can't go on like this. Will you call me? Would you call me? Well, why? All right. May I call you? Elaine? Elaine? (she hung up. An employee walks by, bumps into Russell and spills coffee accidentally on him)
David: Excuse me Mr. Dalrimple. I am so sorry.
Russell: All right. All right. What's your name?
David: David Richardson.
Russell: Get out! You're fired!
David: But Mr. Dalrimple-
Russell: Don't talk back to me. Didn't you hear what I say? Get out! You want me to call the cops? I make and break little worms like you every day. Do you know how much money I make? Do you have any idea! Do you know where I live? I can have any woman in this city that I want. Any one. Now, GET OUT! (David leaves. Everyone on the set is looking at Russell) What are you all looking at? Go back to work! BACK! NOW! (they do, Russell leaves)
[Setting: Jerry's]
George: The doc called and said the lab's backed up and now I'm not gonna get the results for another two days.
Jerry: Ah! You're fine. There's nothing wrong with you. I'm the one who's dying.
George: What do you mean?
Jerry: Because I can't act! I stink! I don't what I'm doing!
George: Come on you're... uh... you're fine.
Jerry: This show's gonna ruin my entire career. I don't know how I got involved in this.
George: What about me? I was a total failure. Everything was fine. Now this thing's gonna be a success and God's gonna give me a terminal disease.
Jerry: This actress playing Elaine, she's out of her mind.
George: The guy playing Kramer threatened me.
Jerry: Why?
George: 'cause I asked him about the raisins.
Jerry: You mentioned the raisins.
George: Oh yeah.
Jerry: Did he take 'em?
George: I don't know.
Jerry: Well if he didn't take 'em, what happened to 'em?
George: That's what I'm trying to find out.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Any luck?
Kramer: No. No, nothing. I got no... peristalsis.
Jerry: What about bran?
Kramer: I tried bran- 40%, 50% 100%. The bran isn't working for me.
Jerry: Well my friend, (Jerry puts his hand on Kramer's shoulder) it may be time to consider the dreaded apparatus.
Kramer: Pfft! Hold it right there. If you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting, you're wasting your time. I am not Jerry, under any circumstances, doing any inserting in that area.
Jerry: Oh, it's not that bad!
George: Yes it is.
Elaine: Well it's all taken care of. I filed a report. An investigation is underway.
Jerry: (to Elaine) So, you going to the taping tomorrow night?
Elaine: No. I don't think I should go. I really don't wanna bump into Russell. He called me the other day. He won't quit.
Jerry: Oh, come on you gotta go! He's harmless. He's got a little crush on you.
Elaine: Jerry, this is not a crush. This is a complete fixation. he makes me very uncomfortable.
Jerry: We need you there!
Elaine: (to Kramer) Hey are you gonna go?
Kramer: No. No. I'm gonna stay home. I want to be close to my home base in case there's any news from the front. (he leaves)
[Setting: NBC, pilot's set, the taping]
Sandi: (to her hairdresser) No! Pick it up more in the front! It's got to be higher! Higher! Make a wall! A wall!
Assistant Dresser: Sandi, are you in wardrobe? Sandi?
Jerry: Try Elaine.
Assistant Dresser: Elaine?
Sandi: Yes?
Wilton: Elaine? It's me- Wilton Marshall. Remember? Camp Tioga- 1978? Remember?
Elaine: Oh, right.
Wilton: Wow! You know you haven't changed a bit.
Michael: I can't remember my lines!!!
Jerry: Just relax, you'll be fine.
Michael: I can't relax. I don't know what line! I don't know any of 'em!
Jerry: You're just like George. George'd do the same thing. You're just like him. It's amazing!
Michael: Help me Jerry! Help me!
Rita: (to Stu) Where is Russell?
Stu: You know I don't know. I thought he was coming. I assumed he wouldn't miss it.
Jay: He hasn't been well.
Stu: (to Rita) Can I tell you something in confidence? I think it's a woman.
Rita: How pathetic.
George: This is George Costanza, I'm calling for my test results. Negative? Oh, my God. WHY! WHY! WHY? What? What? Negative is good? Oh, yes of course! How stupid of me. Thank you. Thank you very much. (he hangs up)
George: (he walks casually to Tom, and taps his arm) Listen. I know we've had our problems in the past, but we got a show to do tonight. Time to pull together as a team. Life's too short. I say, let's let bygones be bygones. If you took the raisins, if you didn't take the raisins- They weren't even my raisins. I was just curious because it seems like a strange to do to walk into a room, audition, and to walk out with a box of raisins. Anyway, whatever. If you ever want to tell me about it, the door to my office is always opened. In the event that I get an office. You'll come in, we'll talk about the raisins. We'll have a nice laugh.
Tom: How would you like it if I just pulled your heart out of your chest right now, and shoved it down your throat?
Pat Hazell: Are you ready to meet our cast? (crowd applause) All right.
Jerry: Good evening, folks. How you doing? (small reaction from the crowd) Well, you sound like a great crowd. We have a show we're gonna put on for you tonight. It's a new TV show. It's what they call a pilot. And we hope it becomes a series. It's called 'Jerry', and I'm playing Jerry-
Joe Devola: (getting up then shouting) SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS! (he jumps over a balcony and on the stage. The crowd is yelling)
[Setting: Jerry's]
George: Sic semper tyrannis? What is that, Latin?
Jerry: Yeah, it's what John Wilkes Booth yelled out when he shot Lincoln.
George: Really? What does it mean?
Jerry: It means "Death to tyrants".
George: I can see that.
Elaine: See, now this is exciting! This is exciting! Did I miss anything already?
Jerry: No, it starts in five minutes. You were there at the taping, what's the big deal?
Elaine: Nah, now it's on TV. It's different. I told everybody I know to watch it.
George: Yeah, me too.
Jerry: Hey, what about Russell? Did you hear from him?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: Strange. Even not showing up at the taping...
Kramer: Hey, pistol-packin mama, you swing that gal around, Allemande left with the old gray hag, around and around you go. Yee-ha!!
Jerry: Well, well, well.
Elaine: Congratulations.
Kramer: Well, thank you.
George: You went for the big "E".
Kramer: Wet and wild.
Jerry: All right. Come on sit down. It's about to start.
Kramer: Oh, yes.
Elaine: Hey, what's this? Look. A wallet.
Jerry: A wallet? Let me see that.
Elaine: Here.
Jerry: Ah, man! It's my father's wallet! The one he thought they stole at the doctor's office that time.
George: Shh! This is it!
Jerry: How do you like that?
(The Show Begins. There Are Three Different Settings While The Show Is On Tv. Each Line Or Description Will Be Preceded By The Right Setting:
(Jerry'S Doing His Stand-Up Routine At A Comedy Club. There'S The Music Theme And We Don'T Hear What He Is Saying, But The Closed Captions Put That:
We See The Title 'Jerry', Then, Sitting At The Comedy Club, We See:
Micheal, Sandi, And Tom, And Finally Jerry, And The Four Of Them Make A Toast While It'S Written: "Created by Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza".
Elaine: Bravo!
George: You hurt me.
Michael: Hey.
Jerry: Hey George.
Michael: New sneakers?
Jerry: Yeah.
Michael: What do you need new sneakers for?
Jerry: I like sneakers.
Michael: How do you make a decision which one to wear? I'd go crazy if I have to decide which sneakers to wear every day.
Jerry: Nah, you're crazy anyway.
Susan And Allsion: (to each other while they recognize one of George's behaviors in Michael) George!
Sid: What kind of stupid show is this? Hey! It's that idiot that took all my records! (the houskeeper starts laughing)
Marla: John, what are you doing? Come back to bed.
John: (with a Boston accent) This show looks interesting. Isn't he that Seinfeld fellow you went out with?
Marla: Ooh, he's horrible! Horrible!
John: Nevertheless...
The Drake: Ah, that Jerry's a funny guy. Huh? Got to love the Sein!
Allsion: Hate the Sein! (while she adjusts the tiny antenna)
Ping: I can't believe you liked him.
Cheryl: I thought he was dark and disturbed.
Ping: Real perceptive.
Donald: This is a piece of crap!
Mother: Donald, you used to like him.
Donald: What a sellout! Give me that remote!
Mel: No, Donald.
Kramer: Come on Jerry, the commercials almost over.
Jerry: All right.
Elaine: You know Jerry I really like this guy who's playing the butler.
Jerry: Oh yeah. He's good. You know he's John Ritter's cousin.
Elaine: Really?
Jerry: Yeah.
Jerry: Hello, Charles.
Charles: Hello. So, where do you want me to start today?
Jerry: Why don't you start in the bedroom?
Charles: (to himself, upset) Start in the bedroom...
Tom: Hey.
Jerry: Hey. The butler's here.
Tom: He is? Listen. When he's finished, send him over to my house.
Jerry: I'm not sending him to your house.
Tom: Why not?
Jerry: Because the judge decreed he'd become my butler, not my friend's butler.
Tom: Jerry, he is your butler. You can give him any order you want. That's what butlers do.
Jerry: But I don't want to.
Kramer: Jerry, my house is a pigsty, come on.
Jerry: Yeah?
Sandi: (from the buzzer's speaker) It's Elaine.
Jerry: Come on up.
Charles: I need more Pledge.
Jerry: More Pledge! I just bought two cans last week and I don't even have any wood in the house!
Charles: Well, it goes fast.
Sandi: (to Charles, very friendly) Hello.
Charles: Hello. (he goes back in the bedroom)
Jerry: What's all this about?
Sandi: We had a date.
Jerry: You had a date? You went out with my butler? Who said you could go out with my butler?
Sandi: Why do I need your permission?
Jerry: Because he's my butler!
Morty: That's terrific!
Helen: How could anyone not like him?
C.K.: I like his style. He has a sort of casual elegance.
Tia: But he picks his nose.
C.K.: Nevertheless...
Sal Bass: He's a member of our health club. Isn't he?
Sidra: Yeah...
Sal Bass: You know that Kim Novak has some big breasts?
Jerry: Ever notice a lot of butlers are named Jeeves?
Jerry: You know I think when you name a baby Jeeves, you've pretty much mapped out his future, wouldn't you say? Not much chance is gonna be a hitman I think after that. (with a British accent) "Terribly sorry Sir, but I'm going to have to whack you".
[Setting: back to Jerry's]
All: (applauding and shaking hands) Wooh! Yeah!
Elaine: Wow! That was great! That show was so funny. It was really funny. I'm not just saying that cause I know you. Honestly.
Jerry: Let's go out and celebrate! (they all get up)
Elaine: That was so good.
Jerry: Come on let's eat something. (phone rings)
Elaine: You know what I think this thing is gonna get picked up George. You guys are gonna be rich!
George: Do you really think so?
Elaine: Oh yeah.
George: And God didn't kill me.
Jerry: (to the phone) Hello?
Rita: Hi Jerry, this is Rita Kierson.
Jerry: Oh, hi Rita.
Rita: I'm calling to let you know that Russell Dalrimple is no longer with this network.
Jerry: Oh, my God. Did he get fired?
Rita: To be honest with you. Nobody really knows. He seems to have disappeared.
Jerry: Russell's disappeared?
Rita: In any event, I've been made the new president of NBC. As you may or may not know, Russell and I did not see eye to eye on many, many projects. And as my first order of business, I'm, uh, passing on your show.
Jerry: You're passing already? But the show just ended two minutes ago!
Rita: Well, I just got the job. Goodbye, Jerry.
Jerry: Yeah, see ya. (he hangs up)
Elaine: What- What are you looking at me for?
George: It was you!
Elaine: What did I do?
Jerry: Do you realize his obsession with you cost us a TV series?
Elaine: I didn't know that he'd fall for me and I'd drive him insane. I mean, you know, that's not my fault.
George: Yes it is! You're very charming!
Elaine: I can't believe this? What happened to him? Where the hell is he?
Jerry: No one knows.
[Setting: Greenpeace raft on the ocean, following a whaler]
Russell: She works for Pendant Publishing. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. You know, I used to work for NBC, but when I go back to her this time, she'll respect me.
Man On Raft: You'd better get down. They might start firing soon. (harpoon fires)
[Setting: Monk's]
Jerry: Hey look at this. What is going on here?
George: Well, well, well.
Elaine: Nothing has changed. How did this happen? (she sees the two guys of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission at a table) Ah, these are the two guys I talked to at the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Hey! What are you two guys doing here? I thought you were gonna do something about this. Now you're eating here?
Fred: Oh no. That's why we're here. We're checking things out.
Paul: Yeah, we're checking it out.
Elaine: (to Paul) You're checking it out?
Man: (to Fred and Paul) See you back at the office, guys.
Mr. Visaki: Fred, Paul, lunch and dinner? Boy, you guys ought to move in. How about a piece of pie on me? Sophia! Take care of these fellows.
Elaine: (to the manager) Hey! Come here a second. I want you to know something. You are not gonna get away with this!
Mr. Visaki: Get away with what?
Elaine: Ah, "with what?" You know what. With the waitresses. How they're all... alike.
Mr. Visaki: Of course they're alike. They're my daughters.
Elaine: (embarrassed, but smiling) Oh, your daughters.
George: You must be very proud Mr. Visaki. (shaking his hand) And may I say sir they're lovely girls, absolutely lovely girls. It's nice to see such fine upstanding women in gainful employment, Mr. Visaki.
Mr. Visaki: Oh, here's a table for you.
George: A table right here.
Mr. Visaki: Peggy!
George: Peggy! (they all sit) His daughter Peggy. Peggy's coming over to serve.
Jerry: What a family!
Mr. Visaki: My daughter Peggy.
George: Ah! Peggy. Good to see you.
Elaine: Hi Peggy.
George: Thank you very much. (Peggy leaves the menus and walks away) So guess what I got do tomorrow?
Jerry: What?
George: Start looking for a job.
Kramer: You know what you ought to do George? You should work for Greenpeace. You those people they attack the whalers out on the open sea.
George: Are you crazy? You take your life in your hands with those nuts.
[Setting: Greenpeace raft]
Man: Keep fighting matey! Get your head above the water! I've got you matey! I've got you! Matey! (he loses the rope) I'll remember her name! Elaine Benes! I'll write to her. I'll tell her all about you and what you did out here! Goodbye, matey! Goddbye!


[Location: Monk's]
Jerry: So, what's her name?
George: Karen.
Jerry: Is she nice?
George: Great.
Jerry: So you like her?
George: I think so.
Jerry: You don't know?
George: I can't tell anymore.
Jerry: Well do you feel anything?
George: Feel? What's that?
Jerry: All right, let me ask you this when she comes over, you're cleaning up a lot?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: You're just straightening up or you're cleaning?
George: Cleaning
Jerry: You do the tub?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: On your knees, Ajax, hands scrubbin', the whole deal?
George: Yeah, yeah.
Jerry: Okay, I think you're in love!
George: Tub is love?
Jerry: Tub is love.
George: Hah.
Jerry: So there you are. You've got a nice girl and a clean apartment.
George: Yep. There's one liiiittle problem.
Jerry: Sexual?
George: Yeeeaaah. (Jerry and George lean in to make their conversation a little more private) Well... I've never really felt confident in uh... one particular aspect.
Jerry: Below the equator?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Nobody does. You know, nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes and you hope for the best. I really think they're happy if you just make an effort.
George: I-I don't know. Last time I got the tap.
Jerry: You got the tap?
George: You know, you're going along, you think everything's all right and all of a sudden you get that tap. (George taps his own shoulder). You know it's like pfffff (whistling sound), all right that's enough, you're through.
Jerry: The tap is tough.
George: It's like the manager coming out and asking you for the ball.
Jerry: Well maybe she just wanted to move on to other business.
George: No, no, this wasn't moving on. I got the hook. I wish I could get a lesson in that.
Jerry: It's a very complicated area.
George: You can go crazy trying to figure that place out.
Jerry: It's a haaazy mystery.
George: Anyway, I think everything else is okay. Unless of course she's faking.
Elaine: Who's faking?
George: Nothing.
Elaine: Faking what?
George: Nobody's faking.
Elaine: Ah! Orgasm?
George: She's not faking!
Elaine: How do you know?
George: I know. I can tell. It's one of my powers. Why, did you ever fake?
Elaine: Of course.
Jerry: Really?
George: You faked?
Elaine: On occasion.
Jerry: And the guy never knows?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: How can he not know that?
Elaine: Because I was gooood.
Jerry: I guess after that many beers he's probably a little groggy anyway.
Elaine: You didn't know.
Jerry: What?
Elaine: You didn't know.
Jerry: Are you saying...
George: I think I'll have a piece of cake.
Jerry: With me?
Elaine: Well...
Jerry: You faked with me?
Elaine: Ye.
Jerry: You faked with me?
Elaine: Yeass.
Jerry: No.
Elaine: Yeass.
Jerry: You faked it?
Elaine: I faked it.
Jerry: That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?
Elaine: Not bad huh?
Jerry: What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming?
Elaine: (points in the air as is to point out each things Jerry asked) Fake, fake, fake, fake.
Jerry: I'm stunned, I'm shocked! How many times did you do this?
Elaine: Uuuhm, all the time.
Jerry: All the time?!
George: We got a chocolate malt in here!
Jerry: But I'm so good.
George: I'm sure you are.
Elaine: Jerry, listen, it wasn't you. I just didn't have 'em back then.
Jerry: She faked.
Jerry: Maybe they've all been faking.
Elaine: I'm sure they're not.
George: Maybe Karen is faking.
[Location: Jerry's apartment]
Kramer: She was probably joking.
Jerry: No no, it was no joke.
Kramer: She didn't have any?
Jerry: No. None.
Kramer: (raising hand) She faked 'em all.
Jerry: (raising hand) Faked 'em all.
Kramer: Well so she faked 'em, so what?
Jerry: The woman had an orgasm under false pretences. That's sexual perjury.
Kramer: You know I heard her screaming from my apartment? She woke me up a few times.
Jerry: How did she do it? She's like Meryl Streep this woman. And I had to work the equipment. I'm not unskilled, I'm in the union. If she'd at least told me, maybe I could have done something about it.
Kramer: Yeah I could have helped you out.
Jerry: What could you have done?
Kramer: I could have given you some pointers. I know how to press those buttons buddy.
Jerry: I'm feeling very inadequate about the whole thing.
Kramer: Aaaaah.
Jerry: Don't aaaaah! I'm supposed to do something with her later? I don't even think I wanna see her.
Kramer: Giddy-up.
Jerry: Hello... Oh hello Elaine.
Elaine: So we're having dinner tonight?
Jerry: I don't know, I'm not really in the mood.
Elaine: Why? What's wrong? You're not still thinking about this afternoon are you?
Jerry: What, the grilled cheese? Naaah, they always burn the toast.
Elaine: Nooo, the other thing.
Jerry: Oooh that. Well...
Elaine: Oh come on, Jerry. Making to much of a big deal about it.
Jerry: Yeah I guess. So you wanna meet at that place at seven thirty?
Elaine: Okay.
Jerry: All right.
Elaine: All right, see you later.
Jerry: Bye.
Elaine: Bye.
[Location: Elaine's office]
Elaine: Rene, can you come here a second? Let me ask you something Ummm, have you ever... you know... faked it?
Rene: Yeah, sometimes.
Elaine: Really, like when?
Rene: Like if we went to a Broadway show, if we had really good seats. (Elaine is sitting there, jaw opened shaking her head yes) Well you know, if it's enough all ready and I just wanna get some sleep.
[Location: Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: I really don't feel like seeing her.
Kramer: You know, I faked it.
Jerry: (confused) What?!
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: You faked it? Why would you do that?
Kramer: Well you know, if it's enough already and I just wanna get some sleep.
Jerry: Yeah, but why would you... (Kramer is eating a peach then disgusted he spits it out) Bad peach?
Kramer: It's terrible!
Jerry: Did you get that at Joe's?
Kramer: Yeah, of course I got it at Joe's.
Jerry: That's surprising, his fruit is usually the best.
Kramer: You know what I'm gonna do? (heading for the door) I'm gonna return this.
Jerry: You're returning used fruit?
Kramer: Jerry this peach is sub par.
[Location: Joe's]
Joe: So what do you want me to do?
Kramer: I want restitution.
Joe: Restitution? You want restitution? Why should I give you restitution?
Kramer: Because it's no good.
Joe: When you put that fruit out, that's where it ends for me.
Kramer: It's still your fruit, you gotta stand behind your fruit.
Joe: I stand behind my fruit.
Kramer: So...
Joe: Hey, you got a bad peach? That's an act of God. He makes the peaches. I don't make the peaches, I sell the peaches. You have a problem? You talk to him.
Kramer: You know this whole place is going vrrrrrrrrrrrrt, downhill. I could have come in here last week with a bad plum but I let it go.
Joe: Well let me put a solution for ya do your business elsewhere, I don't want your business.
Kramer: Oh now you don't want my business.
Joe: No, I don't want your business and from this moment you're banned from the store, you're banned!
Kramer: But what am I gonna do for fruit?
[Location: restaurant]
Karen: (moaning) Mmmmm, Mmmm, Hmmhmmhmmm (lights a cigarette) Mmmm (takes a puff) Woo
George: (thinking of the moans) Heh. (Karen takes another puff of her cigarette) You seem like you really enjoyed your Risotto. (chuckles) You have a very contented air over there. (chuckles again) You look very contented, very satisfied. (pauses) Are you satisfied?
Karen: I'm very satisfied.
George: I-I'm sure if you weren't satisfied you would probably say something wouldn't you?
Karen: I probably would. But then again I'm an enigma.
George: Hey listen... umm, instead of the movie... uh, maybe we'll go back and uh you know...(nudges her head with his head)
Karen: Maybe.
George: So... uh you feel okay about that whole thing... what we do in there... you're generally okay with everything in there?
Karen: Generally.
George: Do you uh feel the way you feel after the Risotto?
Karen: Well no, I feel full after the Risotto.
George: Yeah...(scratching his head) full.
[Location: (another) restaurant]
Elaine: Oh god, Mmmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmmmm, Mmm, Ah, Woo
Jerry: Satisfied?
Elaine: Mmm, hey, you know what? You wanna go see that new Meryl Streep movie?
Jerry: Meryl Streep?
Elaine: You don't like her?
Jerry: Ah, she's okay.
Elaine: I love her Jerry, she's so authentic. I really believe everything is actually happening to her. There's no acting there.
Jerry: Yeah. You don't want coffee or anything do you?
Elaine: I really admire actors, you know. It's just such an incredible skill.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah, can we get off of this?
Elaine: What's the matter?
Jerry: Nothing.
Elaine: You're not still thinking about that are you?
Jerry: Nooo.
Elaine: Oh good.
Jerry: Give me another shot!
Elaine: (shocked) What?
Jerry: Another shot, I want another shot.
Elaine: You mean...?
Jerry: Yes!
Elaine: Oooh no, I don't think so.
Jerry: Come on! One shot, I can do it, I know I can do it!
Elaine: Jerry, we're friends! We can't do that, it would ruin our friendship.
Jerry: Oh friendship... friendship, shmanship .
Elaine: Jerry no, that's important to me.
Jerry: We won't ruin the friendship.
Elaine: Ya, Yes we will!
Jerry: Elaine...
Elaine: No Jerry, it is out of the question. You know what sex does to a friendship, it kills it.
Jerry: A half hour, give me a half our.
Elaine: No!
Jerry: Okay, fifteen minutes. I guarantee you fifteen minutes, I can make it happen!
Elaine: Noo!
Jerry: You're worried I'll be able to do it aren't you?
Elaine: What, no, it doesn't matter. Jerry, I don't care.
Jerry: That's it, that's it. You like having this over me, you don't want me to do it.
Elaine: That is so ridiculous.
Jerry: Come on, Elaine!
Elaine: No.
Jerry: Elaine?!
Elaine: No!
[Location: Karen's bedroom]
George: It's Jerry's fault.
Karen: Jerry?
George: Jerry and Elaine. They made me nuts.
Karen: Oh I don't care, George, really it's all right.
George: So you feel okay?
Karen: Well, it's not like after the Risotto.
[Location: Jerry's car]
Jerry: Well good night.
Elaine: I still don't understand why we had to walk out on that movie.
Jerry: Oh that Meryl Streep, she's such a phony baloney.
Elaine: Goodnight. Thanks for a really fabulous evening (sarcastic).
Jerry: Oh what, you're upset?
Elaine: Yes I'm upset, can't you tell?
Jerry: No I can't, maybe you're faking.
Elaine: I'm really, really sorry I told you that.
Jerry: I'm sorry too.
Elaine: Well stop being such a baby.
Jerry: You're a baby!
Elaine: You're a baby!
[Location: Jerry's apartment]
George: It's all your fault! You and Elaine! All that orgasm talk. She did have an orgasm, she didn't have an orgasm. Orgasm this, orgasm that. I got so focused on it. I started to panic and boom, I lost it. I tried everything, I was talking to him 'Please wake up, do something.'
Jerry: They're mysterious little fellows aren't they?
George: I hate him!
Jerry: You know it happens to everybody. It happened to Houdini. And he could get out of a trunk under water with his hands in chains! But he had a problem with that. The miracle is that it ever happens.
George: It's like a magic trick. Sometimes I think it would be easier to bend a spoon mentally than to make that transformation.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Hey listen, if I give you money would you go out and get me some fruit?
Jerry: Why can't you get it?
Kramer: Well I got banned from the store I can't go back in there now.
Jerry: What happened?
Kramer: Well you know, we had a fight over the peach and uh well Joe doesn't want my business.
George: Hey, was that a joke about Houdini?
Jerry: (to George) No. (to Kramer) I told you not to say anything.
Kramer: Jerry, what am I gonna do for fruit?
Jerry: Well you'll have to go to the supermarket.
Kramer: The supermarket? That's impossible! They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry. I don't know what's going on with the Papayas! Jerry you gotta go to Joe's, you gotta get me some fruit!
Jerry: Oh so what I'm going to buy all your fruit now?
George: Well if Houdini couldn't do it, what chance do I have?
Jerry: Hello... Oh hi Patty, thanks for calling me back. I-I just wanted to ask you a question when we we're going out did you have orgasms?... Okay, thanks... No that's it... Ya, Okay, bye.
Jerry: Patty Lawrence had 'em!
Kramer: Alright look I'm gonna make you a fruit list, all right?
Jerry: Yeah.
Jerry: Hello Elaine? Patty Lawrence had orgasms what do you think about that? And I got calls in to six other women and I bet you they confirm an orgasm too. So what do you have to say now Elaine?... Hello?
[Location: outside Joe's]
Jerry: Why do I feel like I'm doing something wrong?
Kramer: All right now here's the list. (hands Jerry the list)
Jerry: All this? It's too much. What do you need five mangos for?
Kramer: I like mangos.
Jerry: Avocado? I don't know how to pick out an avocado.
Kramer: Well they gotta be soft.
Jerry: How soft?
Kramer: Not too soft. Better too hard than too soft.
Jerry: (looking over the list) Hmm ah. I'm not going through this every week, I tell you that right now. And what are these? Plums? What is that?
Kramer: Yeah now get the ones that are red on the inside.
Jerry: Uh huh. Well how do I know what they look like on the inside? What do they look like on the outside?
Kramer: Oh! And get some plantains. (grabs the list to write them down)
Jerry: Plantains?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: What the hell is a plantain.
Kramer: It's part of the banana family. It's a delicacy.
Jerry: (grabbing the list from Kramer) You're not getting any plantains.
Jerry: Hey Joe.
Joe: How's it going?
Jerry: Good, just getting some fruit for myself. Uh, gotta have fruit in the house. I like it as a snack. Wholesome, natural, chock-full of vitamins. Alright let's see... mangos... four plums with red on the inside... avocado... (looks at Joe; Joe gives him a weird look)ooo, just right... and three plantains uh ought to do it.
Joe: All right, all right, just hold it right there.
Jerry: What?
Joe: This fruit isn't for you.
Jerry: (shocked) Wha, what are you talking about?
Joe: You think I don't know huh? Mangos, plantains, plums with the red on the inside, that's Kramer!
Jerry: I can't buy mangos and plantains?
Joe: All right, get out!
Jerry: You're making a big mistake, Joe!
Joe: I'll tell you something else I don't what your business anymore either.
Jerry: Are saying you're banning me from the store?
Joe: That's exactly what I'm saying.
Jerry: I'm banned?!
Joe: You're banned.
[Location: Jerry's apartment]
George: All right, where do you want it?
Jerry: Put it over there.
Kramer: Yes! Oh look at this, these mangos are beautiful! Oh these are beautiful, (smells them) you did good George.
George: All right I gotta get going.
Jerry: What are you doing?
George: I got a date with Karen. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Nothing happening down there.
Jerry: You're thinking about it too much. You're putting too much emphasis on it.
George: I knew this was gonna happen some day. It was inevitable. I've known it ever since I was a little kid. I've been waiting for it.
Kramer: This mango is delicious!
George: That reminds me, I'm not getting you guys any more fruit. That guy was eyeballing me the whole time. He gave me the creeps. All right, you owe me twenty-eight sixty.
Jerry: Sorry, I don't have any cash.
Kramer: I only got hundreds.
George: You see... All right I knew it.
Kramer: Come on, come on, we're gonna pay you! Here have some mango.
George: I don't want any mango.
Kramer: Come on, take some. It's good.
George: Very good. Juicy.
Kramer: Ya.
George: Ripe. Boy, this Joe's got some terrific fruit.
Kramer: Mmm.
Jerry: What?
George: I feel like I got a B12 shot. This is like a taste explosion!
Kramer: Ya I told you.
Jerry: What is it?
George: I think it moved. Oh my god, I think it moved. Yeah, give me the big piece. I'll see you later.
Elaine: Hi George.
George: I'm back, baby, I'm back!
Kramer: Want some mango?
Elaine: Noo, thanks.
Jerry: Well well, if it isn't the first lady of the American Theatre. (Elaine smiles and rolls her eyes at him) What brings you here?
Elaine: Just gonna return some of your things that were in my house.
Jerry: Oh and I've got some things of yours here.
Elaine: I know.
Jerry: Well I'll get them.
Elaine: I'm waiting.
Jerry: All right. (goes into his hallway and comes back) You got my fins?
Elaine: Yeah I got your fins. You got my poker chips?
Jerry: I got your poker chips. You got my goggles?
Elaine: They're next to the fins. You got my cards?
Jerry: They're next to the poker chips.
Elaine: All right and that just about... does it.
Jerry: I guess.
Elaine: Okay, welp... see you around.
Jerry: Yeah, see you.
Elaine: All right, let's go, I give you half an hour.
Jerry: (shocked) What?
Elaine: Come on!
Jerry: Are you serious?
Elaine: Look, Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.
Jerry: Sex... to save the friendship. (Elaine drops her bag, takes off her jacket and walks into Jerry's bedroom) Well, if we have to (un-tucks his shirt) we have to.
[Location: Karen's bedroom]
Karen: Mmmm, Oh George, oooh.
George: Please, it's not necessary.
Karen: Mmm What's not necessary?
George: The little extra moan you threw in there. Laying it on a bit thick, don't you think?
Karen: What are you talking about?
George: What am I talking about? Come on. (laughing) You don't think I bought all that? (does a little move)
Karen: What, what?
George: You're very good. Very good with the moanings and the gyrations. Y-You really had me going there for a minute.
Karen: You think I was faking?
George: Come on 'Oh George, oh Geeeooorge!' Come on! Not that I don't appreciate the effort that was put into it.
Karen: I'd like you to leave.
George: What?
Karen: I said, I would like you to leave. Come on, just get your clothes on and get out.
George: But why?
Karen: Because I said so. (pushes George off the bed)
George: I-I-I can't find my glasses.
Karen: Well hurry up.
George: I need to look for my glasses.
Karen: (seen through George eyes all blurry) Get out! Get out!! Get out!!!
[Location: Jerry's bedroom]
Jerry: It's all George's fault. All that talk about impotence. It got to me. And that orgasm stuff orgasm this and orgasm that. It's a lot of pressure!
Elaine: You know I'm a little hungry. You wouldn't happen to have any of that mango left?
The Female Orgasm Is Kinda Like The Bat Cave, Very Few People Know Where It Is And If You'Re Lucky Enough To See It You Probably Don'T Know How You Got There And You Can'T Find You Way Back After You Left. There Are Two Types Of Female Orgasms: the real and the fake. And uh I'll tell you right now, as a man, we don't know. We do not know, because to a man sex is like a car accident and determining the female orgasm is like being asked 'What did you see after the car went out of control?'. 'Uh I heard a lot of screeching sounds, uh I remember I was facing the wrong way at one point. And in the end my body was thrown clear.