Jerry: The whale is supposed to be such an intelligent animal. You know you always here about how they can communicate by song from miles away. How extensive their vocabulary is. I would say from the rate we are pushing the whales off the beach back into the ocean the words shore and close do not appear to be in their vocabulary. I would say if the whales concentrate a little less on the singing and a little more on approaching Quervo beach volleyball tournament. If you wanna maintain the brainy mammal image.
Elaine: Oh, I can't believe this. What a dope! uh..excuse me umm.. I'm sorry this is.. this is kind of embarrassing but.. there's no toilet paper over here
Jane: (from the stall on Elaine's right) Are you talking to me?
Elaine: yeah.. I I just forgot to check so if you could just spare me some.
Jane: No I'm sorry
Elaine: What?
Jane: No I'm sorry, I can't spare it
Elaine: you can't spare it??
Jane: no there's not enough to spare
Elaine: well I don't need much, just 3 squares will do it
Jane: I'm sorry I don't have a square to spare, now if you don't mind
Elaine: 3 squares? you can't spare 3 squares??
Jane: no I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a square
Elaine: oh is it two-ply? cause it it's two-ply I'll take one ply, one ply, one puny little ply, I'll take one measly ply
Jane: look, I don't have a square and I don't have a ply (flushing and leaving)
Elaine: No no, no no, don't don't, I beg you
Jerry: (eating pop corn) hmm I love this artificial flavoring I like it better than butter I think it's more consistent
Jane: you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom
Jerry: what?
Elaine: hey
Tony: Hey. Hey? where is my popcorn babe?
Elaine: what?
Tony: my popcorn, you were supposed to get me popcorn what? would you forget about me babe?
Elaine: you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom
Jane: I mean.. a person needs a certain amount of toilet paper to be covered.. I simply could not spare it this woman just didn't get it, she kept harassing me
Elaine: 3 squares!! that's all I was asking for! 3 squares!
Jane: she wouldn't stop "help me! help me!" she was insane
Elaine: I was begging her "please! please!" she was insane
Jerry: who do you think she is? how dare she? you want me to get the manager? too bad they don't have those old ladies walking around with flashlights anymore we'd flush her out
Jane: I don't know what she looks like
Jerry: I wonder where Elaine is sitting? I really wanted you to meet her she's supposed to be here tonight with her new boyfriend Tony
Elaine: hmm where is Jerry sitting? he's supposed to be here tonight with his new girlfriend I'm dying to see what she looks like
Tony: hey? you think if I jumped off that balcony I'd get hurt?
Kramer: hey
Jerry: hey
Kramer: hey guy, can I use your phone in your bedroom?
Jerry: what's the matter with yours?
Kramer: huh.. my batteries are dead
Jerry: It's not one of those 976 calls, is it?
Kramer: look come on, let me use it, 5 minutes, I'll pay you back huh?
Jerry: why do you do that?
Kramer: oh... (goes to the bedroom)
Elaine: I am never going back to the movies again
Jerry: hey where were you last night? I looked for you, I didn't see you
Elaine: I looked for you too, I was all the way over on the side
Jerry: oh with huh.. pretty boy.. Tony
Elaine: yeah
Jerry: hey hey (fooling around with his collar)
Elaine: yeah, all right ok
Jerry: Tony, hey hey (continues fooling)
Elaine: that's nice. Listen, listen to this I am in the bathroom, right before the movie starts
Jerry: huh huh
Elaine: I'm in the stall and there's no toilet paper
Jerry: no what?
Elaine: toilet paper
Jerry: oh.. whoa..
Elaine: so I ask this woman in the stall next to me for some and she refuses! ha ha
Jerry: well maybe she couldn't spare it
Elaine: a square?
Jerry: well, you know, sometimes a square is everything
Elaine: a ply?
Jerry: Elaine, you cannot judge a person on a situation like that. I mean it's like asking for someone's canteen in the desert
Elaine: yeah
Jerry: it's battle conditions
Elaine: yeah, well I just hope I run into her again ok, cause I will never forget that flinty voice, it is tattooed in my brain if I hear it, watch out So listen what happened with Jane last night?
Jerry: oh.. Jane she uh.. she uh..
Elaine: the four of us are going out Saturday right? That should be fun
Jerry: yeah that should be real fun
Elaine: you know what, it's getting late, can I call Tony?
Jerry: yeah
Woman'S Voice On The Phone: then we'll get a cab and we'll do it in the back seat.. how's that Andre?
Elaine: Andre?
Kramer: (on the phone) what about the driver? we could get an accident
Kramer: oh that wouldn't be very good
Jerry: (on the phone) hey Andre, get the hell off the phone!
Elaine: what, what is going on? what.. who is Andre?
Jerry: Kramer's Andre, he's fooling around with these 976 numbers (Kramer walks out of the bedroom) hey I told you, I don't want you doing that on my phone
Kramer: Jerry, I'm telling you, this phone sex thing is hilarious, like this woman Erika, here look (showing the ad in the newspaper). You gotta call her, the voice she uses..
Jerry: hey you know it's weird because that voice sounded a little familiar to me
Kramer: hey, you're hungry? Monk's?
Jerry: no I gotta go downtown
Elaine: oh wait, you're giving me a lift home right?
Jerry: yeah
Elaine: so listen, what happened last night with Jane?
Jerry: oh uh nothing, she just.. choked on a jujube
Elaine: you know I hate to tell you this, but it's time to defrost that freezer
Jerry: I know, I just can't bring myself to do it meanwhile that freezer keeps getting smaller and smaller (she smiles) (Elaine looks at her watch) oh, don't wanna keep Tony waiting
Elaine: hey you got a problem with Tony?
Jerry: hunky.. Tony.. hey hey hey (fools around with his collar again)
Elaine: ok, Jerry, I would be going out with him no matter what he looked like
Jerry: of course you would
Elaine: oh yeah, oh.. like you're one to talk
Jerry: Elaine
Elaine: what?
Jerry: different for a man
Elaine: uh?
Jerry: we're expected to be superficial
Elaine: I'm not being superficial
Jerry: Elaine, he's a.. he's a male bimbo, he's a mimbo
Elaine: he's not a mimbo, he's an exciting, charismatic man he just happened to have a perfect face
Jerry: and that's why you're going out with him
Elaine: no it is not
Jerry: you know, I think George has a non-sexual crush on him
Elaine: I think he does too
Jerry: I mean, every time I see him, it's Tony this, Tony that. George is like a school girl around him
Tony: so I said uh.. "hey dude, you better step off"
George: "step off"?
Tony: yeah
George: you said "step off"? wow, that is too much hey..huh hey (George turns the cap his wearing backwards like Tony) Tony, I huh, I just had this brainstorm for us. Can you guess what it is?
Tony: no
George: bowling! what do you say bowling? bowling's insane! bowling is crazy time
Tony: bowling? I don't think so George you get no rush from bowling
George: rush? you want a rush? drop a ball on your toe my friend, talk about a rush, you'll be throbbing, you'll see visions
Tony: no no no no, I'm thinking.. rock-climbing
George: all right! rock-climbing! J..just the 2 of us? alright! hey I'll make some sandwiches, what what do you like? tuna? peanut butter?
Tony: what.. whatever
George: alright alright, I gotta buy some bread
Tony: yeah yeah, you know I'm definitely down for some rock-climbing
George: me too, I am down, I am totally down, mark me down
Tony: cool, so what do you say we climb a rock maana?
George: uh.. maana? huh maana might.. huh maana might be a problem, I'm supposed to have huh a boil lanced maana. Huh you know I think they charge me if I cancel with only one maana's notice
Tony: hey Kramer
Kramer: hey
Tony: hey, hey Kramer my man, what are you doing maana?
Kramer: maana I'm doing nada
Tony: what do you say you scale some rock with me and George?
George: uh Tony? there's not gonna be too many sandwiches
Tony: c'mon Kramer what do you say?
George: huh Kramer it's huh.. gonna be pretty dangerous up there
Kramer: Na, I am down
Tony: yes.. alright buddy, take it easy Kramer you down to it George? what's wrong?
George: Oh no, I am down!
Elaine: rock climbing? hehe.. where do you come off going rock climbing.. rock climbing? you need a boost to climb into your bed (Elaine laughs)
George: alright alright
Jerry: yeah yeah what is it with you and Tony? what are you? it's like his sidekick now?
George: yeah that's right. I like it. He's such a cool guy
Jerry: cool guy? what are you, in 8th grade?
George: he's the first cool guy I've ever been friends with in my whole life. You know.. it's a different world when you're with a cool guy, he's not afraid of anybody. You should hear the way he talks to waitresses.. he gets free pie!
Kramer: hey
George: hey nice move today
Kramer: what?
George: horning on my rock climbing trip. It's just supposed to be me and Tony
Kramer: he asked me
George: you put him on the spot
Kramer: you know I think you are in love with him
George: what?.. that's ridiculous!
Kramer: no no no, I don't think so. You love him
George: you better be careful on those rocks tomorrow buddy. And you're not getting any sandwiches either
Jerry: you're making sandwiches?
Kramer: hello
George: well I don't know if there's gonna be any place to eat up there
Kramer: who?
George: Hey Elaine, does Tony like peanut butter?
Elaine: hates it
George: good thing I asked
Jerry: (to Kramer) who is it?
Kramer: well she says Jane
Jerry: yeah, so?
Kramer: well that voice, it's very familiar.. throaty, almost flinty
Jerry: did you say flinty?
Kramer: yeah yeah, (in a flinty voice) flinty
Kramer: (singing) yodel lay hee hoo! yodel lay hee hoo! hello! (Kramer jumps around George from one side to an other)
Echo: hello
Kramer: hey George, hear that?
George: please please I don't want to die up here. please, stop moving that's all I'm asking.. Kramer!!
Kramer: let go, hey grab the rock
George: what rock?
Kramer: the rock
George: uh oh..
Kramer: you gotta relax.. try the yodel (chanting) yodel lay hee hoo
George: (sobbing) yodel lay hee hoo..
Kramer: (chanting) yodel lay hee hoo
George: (sobbing) yodel lay hee hoo..
Tony: (voice from below) George! Kramer!
Kramer: yeah!
Tony: take the rope, thread it through the carabiniere and knot it, and I'll climb up to where you are
Kramer: alright.. George you got it? (gives him the rope)
George: yeah
Tony: hey George, you got anything to eat dude?
George: (taking it out of his jacket pocket) yeah I got some sandwiches.. I got tuna.. and salmon salad Tony because I know you don't like peanut butter
Kramer: what?
Tony: dude aah....
George & Kramer: ahh...!!
Jerry: oh look at that I got oil all over me. Can I have your napkin?
Jane: what?
Jerry: you napkin I'm dripping
Jane: well where is your napkin?
Jerry: I used it up
Jane: well I need mine (looks at her watch) oh god loot at the time, I gotta get to work
Jerry: you know I'd like to hear about this job of yours
Jane: I told you already it's very boring you know I think I got a little too much garlic, can I have a piece of gum
Jerry: you're fine (goes to the bathroom)
Jane: oh how does this thing work?
Jerry: just press it
Elaine: it's Elaine
Jane: oh come on up
Jerry: (coming out from the bathroom) who was it?
Jane: it's Elaine
Jerry: oh..huh.. is she coming up?
Jane: yeah
Jerry: oh.. uh.. you know your breath is a little garlicky you better take some gum.
Jane: ok
Jerry: Yeah have a couple of pieces, weak, weak gum yeah
Jane: hmm
Jerry: have some more, take some for the road.
Jane: isn't it too much?
Jerry: trust me.. nah it's good
Jane: smell?
Jerry: yeah stinks, terrible
Jerry: hi Elaine
Elaine: hi
Jerry: this is Jane Elaine
Elaine: hi, nice to meet you finally
Jane: it's so nice to meet you (chewing) I look forward to Saturday night
Elaine: yeah me too
Jane: ok so I'll see you Saturday night
Jerry: Saturday night (she leaves)
Elaine: what is with the gum?
Jerry: I know it's a big problem.. she puts like four pieces in her mouth, it's ridiculous, I don't think we're gonna be able to get together on Saturday night
Elaine: because of the gum
Jerry: well it's too much, it's embarrassing
Elaine: why does she have to chew so many?
Jerry: she's one of these people, always have to be different
George: she's there, I can hear her
Kramer: alright, who's gonna tell her
George: huh you tell her
Kramer: it was your fault
George: if you hadn't come, this whole thing wouldn't have happen (back on Jerry and Elaine's side, we can hear George saying "I was the one who was invited", Jerry opens the door)
Jerry: well
Elaine: hey
George & Kramer: hey
George: what are you doing here?
Elaine: did you have fun
George & Kramer: yeah
Kramer: for a little while
Elaine: where's Tony?
George: oh..
Kramer: uh..
George: Kramer was supposed to tie a knot
Kramer: whoa whoa ginga, you were supposed to tie the knot
Elaine: did something happened?
George: Well, Tony.. took a bit of a tumble
Elaine: his face, did something happen to his face?
Kramer: well it all depends on what you mean by.. happen
George: he..he's alive
Kramer: yeah
Elaine: what happened to his face, tell me, what happened to his face
George: Well you see he slipped, and he landed on a kinda of a..
Kramer: rock
George: yeah.. the ambulance got there very quickly
Kramer: it was a big rock
George: we rode along all the way to the hospital
Kramer: yeah I sang 99 bottles of beer on the wall
Jerry: well aside from that from that, how did he like the sandwiches?
Elaine: so huh, what did the doctors say?
Tony: they said huh.. they said I'm coming along (Tony's face is covered by bandages)
Elaine: but what else did they say
Tony: well, they said huh Tony, try to keep it clean
Elaine: right yeah.. no I mean did they get into stuff like a.. long jagged scars or.. gross deformities, major skin grafts, stuff like that
Tony: I really don't remember, I was kinda out of it for the 1st couple of days, I was on a lot of medication, it was kinda like haze, it was pretty cool
Elaine: huh (smiles) but huh, in this medicated haze, in this woozy state, um do you recall the words.. radical reconstructive surgery being uttered?
Tony: I don't know, I don't know
Elaine: think Tony, think
Tony: I'm drawing a blank, babe
Elaine: Excuse me.
George: Hi Elaine
Elaine: this isn't a very good time George
George: I just wanted to talk to Tony for a minute (hands Elaine some stuff)
Tony: step off George, I don't wanna see you
George: me? "step off"
Elaine: yeah, Tony says you better step off George
George: but..why, it wasn't my fault, I .. you asked me a sandwich, I .. I make such delicious sandwiches Elaine
Tony: just beat it dude!
George: here Elaine here, Superman (hands a comic book to Elaine, who passes it to Tony) please, next time it will only be the two of us
Tony: there won't be any next time George
George: oh Tony don't
Elaine: ok step off George, can u just step off?
George: I I just.. but..
Elaine: Bye bye (shuts the door) oh.. (opens it back) George wait wait
George: yes?
Elaine: would you throw this trash out (closes the door)
Jerry: I've been waiting a while for this. You know it's a shame Tony got all banged up, we're not gonna be able to get together on Saturday night
Jane: Oh that is too bad, what a shame
Jerry: yeah, it's a damn shame, a damn shame!
Jane: well maybe he's feeling better
Jerry: yeah without a doubt, I'm down (Kramer enters) oh hey how're you doing? Jane this is my neighbor Kramer
Kramer: hey
Jane: hello Kramer (he acts all weird, a la Kramer)
Kramer: well hello Jane
Jane: Jerry told me so much about you, I feel like I know you intimately
Kramer: (very quickly) oh I don't think so, no we never met, I never talked to you before on the phone, alright I'll see you later buddy
Jerry: wait, where are you going? where are you going?
Kramer: uptown, to the Y
Jane: oh I'm going uptown too, you wanna split a cab?
Kramer: what about the driver?
Jane: what are you talking about?
Jerry: alright I changed my mind, uh yeah I don't think I'm not gonna go now
Jane: well ok I'll see you later,
Jerry: Ok.
Jane: nice meeting you
Jerry: See ya. (Jane Leaves; after the door closes Kramer jumps in shock) what's with you?
Kramer: that's her
Jerry: who?
Kramer: Erika, she's Erika
Jerry: oh you think she's Erika, the phone sex woman
Kramer: Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain, I'm telling you it's her
Jerry: oh you're crazy
Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: It's impossible
Kramer: iIs it? Or is it so possible your heard is spinning like a top?
Jerry: it can't be
Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
Jerry: alright that's enough
Kramer: yeaaaaah!
Elaine: he's supposed to get the bandages off on Sunday.. what if?
Jerry: what?
Elaine: you know (acts like a monster)
Jerry: oh you're afraid he might look like Zippy the pinhead
Elaine: yeah I mean, I mean what is my obligation here, you know we were just dating, it was probably gonna be over in a couple of weeks anyway
Jerry: oh I though you didn't care about his looks
Elaine: I lied
Jerry: aha
Elaine: are you kidding, he's a mimbo I know that.. but he's my mimbo, you know and even if he is a hideous freak maybe, maybe I can learn to love him, maybe in some final irony (Jerry is looking the other way), I'll learn what love really is. You know Jerry
Jerry: oh I'm sorry I didn't get most of that.. isn't that Kramer over there?
Elaine: yeah, yeah
Jerry: hey Kramer
Kramer: what? hey (walks by Jerry and Elaine's table) it's all set
Jerry: what's all set?
Kramer: Erika is gonna meet me here, now we're gonna find out the truth
Jerry: how's you get her to meet here?
Kramer: I don't know, we have a certain chemistry
Jerry: oh my god
Jane: hi I thought I'd find you here
Jerry: hello.. Erika
Jane: Erika? what are you talking about?
Jerry: how can u say things like that over the phone?
Jane: what things? What are you talking about?
Jerry: selling sexual pleasure over the phone?
Jane: I sell paper goods you jerk
Jerry: paper goods?
Elaine: excuse me, do you have a tissue?
Jane: No, I'm sorry, I can't spare it, there's not enough to spare
Jane: Where's the ladies' room (Kramer points her)
Elaine: I have to go to the bathroom too (runs to be ahead of Jane; Jane stops and looks back at Jerry; Jerry shugs)
[Monk'S: the bathroom]
Jane: oh damn
Elaine: something.. wrong?
Jane: yeah there's no toilet paper in here, I usually check but would you mind?
Elaine: I can't, I don't have it, I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a square
Jane: Hey, wait a minute, I know you
Elaine: that's right honey, and I know you!
Jane: no, no, no!!!
Elaine: here, take it
Jerry: thanks
Jane: (walks out of the bathroom, very furious; to Jerry) don't call me anymore
Jane: (to Kramer, in a very sensual voice) you either
Jerry: Now of the course the thing is Extreme sports. Bungie jumping. To me if Bungie jumping is a sport so is being a crash test dummy. Just leaning does not make it a sport. It's like a Wiley Coyote idea isn't it? The thing I wonder about the sky diving is why do they even bother with the helmets? Can you almost make it? Why don't they just wear a party hat? What's the difference? You jump out of a plane from twenty thousand feet in the air the chute doesn't open I got news for you, the helmet is now wearing you for protection. Later on the helmet's talking to the other helmets going "boy it's a good thing he was there or I would have hit the ground directly."


Elaine: Hey, do you believe I got Happy New Yeared today? It's February.
Jerry: I once got Happy New Yeared in March.
Elaine: It's disgusting.
Jerry: It's pathetic. . . . hey, is it cold out?
Elaine: Really cold.
Jerry: Scary cold.
Elaine: I don't know. What's your definition of scary cold?
Jerry: That. (pointing at George)
Elaine: (Laughing as she says it) What is that, ha?
George: What?
Jerry: When did you get that?
George: This week. My father got a deal from a friend of his. It's Gore-Tex. You know about Gore-Tex?
Jerry: You like saying Gore-Tex, don't you?
Elaine: Hey, you can't even turn around in that thing.
Jerry: Look at this
Elaine: Hey George, can you feel this? Can you ...
George: All right, all right. KNOCK IT OFF. Come on, let's go.
Elaine: Oh listen we should stop off on the way and get a bottle of wine or something.
Jerry: Yeah. (pointing at Elaine as he goes into the bedroom)
George: What for?
Elaine: These people invited us for dinner. We have to bring something.
George: Why?
Elaine: Because it's rude, otherwise.
George: You mean just going there because I'm invited, that's rude?
Elaine: Yes.
George: So you're telling me instead of them being happy to see me, they're going to be upset because I didn't bring anything. Ttst -You see what I'm saying?
Jerry: The fabric of society is very complex George.
George: I don't even drink wine. I drink Pepsi.
Elaine: Ya can't bring Pepsi. (Elaine starts putting on her coat and gloves)
George: Why not?
Elaine: Because we're adults?
George: You telling me that wine is better than Pepsi? Huh (snort), no way wine is better than Pepsi.
Jerry: I tell you George, I don't think we want to walk in there and put a big plastic jug of Pepsi in the middle of the table.
George: I just don't like the idea that any time theres a dinner invitation there's this annoying little chore that goes along with it.
Jerry: You know, you're getting to be an annoying little chore yourself.
Kramer: All right, let's go. Who's driving? (claps his hands and rubs them together)
Jerry: You are. I can't get that thing in my car. (referring to George)
Kramer: Uh huh.
Jerry: Where's the heat in this car? Come on Elaine warm me up, oh! I'm cold. Just give me a little squeeze.
Elaine: Jerry get off of me. Get off of ME! Get off, Get off of Me!
George: Hehehehehe (higher tone laugh, though still quietly )
Jerry: You're pretty comfortable up there eh, Bubble boy?
George: Oh, yeah. You wish you had this coat.
Elaine: You know, I was just thinking. The four of us can't show up with just one bottle of wine.
George: Oh, here we go...
Elaine: What?
George: Why don't we get them a couch? (Kramer laughs) Well rent a U-haul - well bring em a nice sectional.
Kramer: (low tone)Yeahhehehehe
Elaine: We should bring some cake. Will you stop off at the bakery?
Kramer: (low tone) All right, yeah.
George: Why don't you just get some Ring Dings from the liquor store?
Elaine: Ring Dings?
George: Hey, Ring Dings are better than anything you're gonna get at a bakery.
Kramer: Ooooh I like Ring Dings.
Elaine: George, we can't show up at someone's house with Ring Dings and Pepsi.
Kramer: HEY YOUR LIGHTS ARE ON! (shouting out the window)
George: (to Kramer) It's a funeral procession. . . . (to Elaine) And I got news for you. I show up with Ring Dings and Pepsi, I become the biggest hit of the party. People be coming up to me, "just between you and me I'm really excited about the Ring Dings and the Pepsi. What are we, Europeans with the Beaujolais and Chardonnay . . .
Elaine: Oh, Kramer, that's the bakery. Stop here. Stop here.
Kramer: (low tone) All right.
Elaine: Okay, let me out. You, eh, whatever your name is
Jerry: Jerry.
Elaine: Yeah, Jerry, Jerry - come with me.
Kramer: Okay, so we're going to get the wine and we'll pick you up here in ten minutes.
Elaine: Yeah.
Kramer: All right
Elaine: Ummm, I love the smell of bakeries.
Jerry: Mmm. Oh look Elaine, the black and white cookie.
Elaine: Mmm.
Jerry: I love the black and white. Two races of flavor living side by side in harmony. It's a wonderful thing isn't it?
Elaine: You know I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile.
Jerry: I'm looking forward to it.
Elaine: Yeah. I think it will be a very smooth transition for you.
Jerry: Thank you. All right, look at all this stuff. What are we getting'?
Elaine: CHOCOLATE BABKA! That's their specialty.
Jerry: Love that babka.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah!
Jerry: So listen Elaine, when we get up to the door, you , you hold the cake box.
Elaine: Why?
Jerry: I don't know, just standing there with a box, holding it by the little string.
Elaine: You think it's effeminate?
Jerry: It's a tad dainty.
Elaine: Oh, we forgot to pick a number.
Jerry: Oh, see that's not fair. We-We were here ahead of all these people.
Elaine: I-cu-di-ge-You think I should go and ask her for hers?
Jerry: Ah, no, forget it.
Elaine: No, no no no, no it's not fair. Just because they have a ticket doesn't mean they were here first. We were here, and we were ahead of them, and them, and her. Come on let's just go ask em. Come on. . . . Excuse me.
Kramer: (exhales) Well, I'm not finding a spot here. What do you want to do?
George: Ah, Just double park.
Kramer: No, no.
George: Why not?
Kramer: I'll get a ticket! Besides, what if somebody wants to get out of here?
George: Are you kidding? People get spaces this good, they never give em up.
Kramer: That's a fallacy.
George: All right, I'll tell you what... why don't you go into the store and I'll wait in the car?
Kramer: Why don't YOU go into the store and I'LL wait in the car?
George: Because, I've got the coat. I can sit in the car and not get cold.
Kramer: So what I'm going to leave the car running and the heat 'll be on.
George: Does the heater even work in this car?
Kramer: No.
George: Oh, Hey, eh, there's a spot right in front of the liquor store. You see
Kramer: I see.
George: You see, hu, ho ho.
Elaine: But we were here ahead of you.
Barbara: How do I know that?
Jerry: Well we saw you come in.
David: Well, that's easy for you to say.
Elaine: Oh, yeah, right, that's something I do all the time, right. I make up stories to get ahead in lines at bakeries.
Clerk: 46?
Elaine: Wait, wait a second are, are you Barbara Benedict?
Barbara: Yes.
Elaine: Oh my god. I, I know you. I-Im, I'm Elaine Benes. Do you remember we met at Linda van Grak's baby shower.
Barbara: I'm on my way over there right now.
Elaine: Yeah me too.
David: You're Jerry right?
Jerry: David!
Elaine: Well, this is a little awkward, isn't it?
Barbara: Yes it is.
Elaine: You know we were here, ahead of you.
Barbara: You're NOT getting my number.
Jerry: Oh so you still don't believe us.
Clerk: 47!
Barbara: That's Us.
Elaine: Ohhh, OK, fine, fine, go ahead. But listen let me tell you something as soon as I get there I'm going to tell everyone what a jerk you are.
Barbara: Well, I'll be there ahead of you and I'LL be telling them what a jerk YOU are. . . . (turns to the counter) I'll have the chocolate babka.
Clerk: You're lucky Mrs. Benedict it's our last one.
George: Alright, what are we getting? It's hot in here!
Kramer: Ooo, What do you say we get a Mouton Cadet?
George: What's that?
Kramer: Well its a Bordeaux. Robust, bold, very dry. As opposed to a Beaujolais - which is richer and fruitier. Ahh, here's one. Twelve dollars.
George: Twelve dollars? I knew we should have gone to the bakery. I guarantee you they're not getting no twelve dollar cake.
Kramer: All right look, I am going to have to pay you back later. I don't have my wallet.
George: . . . Why not?
Kramer: Because I don't like to carry my wallet. My Osteopath says that it's bad for my spine. It throws my hips off kilter. (makes a motion with his hips)
George: "throws your hips off kilter" So where's your money? (pulls out his wallet)
Kramer: I never take it.
George: So what do you do?
Kramer: Oh, I get by.
Barbara: See you later (exits with the babka)
Elaine & Jerry: See you later.
Jerry: That's the last babka. They got the last babka.
Elaine: I know. They're going in first with the last babka.
Jerry: That was our babka.
Elaine: You can't beat a babka.
Jerry: We had that babka.
Elaine: (exhales) They're going to be heroes.
Jerry: Well what are we going to do now. If we can't get the babka the whole thing's useless.
Elaine: Well how about a carrot cake?
Jerry: Carrot cake? Now w-why is that a cake? You don't make carrots into a cake. I'm sorry.
Elaine: Black Forrest?
Jerry: Black Forrest? Too scary. You're in the Forrest, oohh.
Jerry: How about a Napoleon?
Elaine: Napoleon? Who's he to have a cake? He was a ruthless war monger. Might as well get Mengele.
Jerry: That was our babka. We had that babka!
Elaine: What's this one?
Clerk: That, Cinnamon Babka.
Elaine: (gasp)
Jerry: Another babka?
Clerk: There's chocolate and there's cinnamon.
Jerry: Well-well we got to get the cinnamon.
Elaine: No, but they got the chocolate. We'll be going in with lesser babka.
Jerry: I beg your pardon? Cinnamon takes a back seat to no babka. People love cinnamon. It should be on tables in restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime anyone says, "Oh This is so good. What's in it?" The answer invariably comes back, Cinnamon. Cinnamon. Again and again. Lesser babka - I think not.
Clerk: 49?
Elaine: I'll have a cinnamon babka.
Jerry: and a black and white cookie, for me. Peace!
Clerk: Thatll be 13.05
George: All right here you go.
Kramer: Yeuu.
Clerk: A hundred? I can't change that.
George: You can't - huhu, All right let's go.
Kramer: Wait a second. I can get change.
Kramer: Hey, anybody got change for a hundred?
George: Are you crazy?! What are you doing?! You'll get us killed!
Kramer: What?
George: Don't go shouting we got a hundred dollar bill. People will be jumping out of windows on top of us.
Kramer: Alright, Let's go but something. Then we'll get some change.
George: I am not buying something just to get change.
Kramer: George, there's a news stand right over there. Now come on.
George: All right, what are we doing?
Kramer: Just get some gum or something.
George: Pack of gum. Here you go. (hands the clerk a $100 bill)
Clerk: What is it a hundred? I can't change a hundred.
George: Why not?
Clerk: You got to buy more than that.
Kramer: Here, get a newspaper. (Kramer hands George a Newspaper)
George: Newspaper.
Clerk: Not enough.
Kramer: Clark Bar. (Kramer starts tearing the candy wrapper open with his teeth.)
George: Clark Bar.
Clerk: Keep going.
George: Were up to two dollars here.
Kramer: Here, George, get a Penthouse Forum.
George: I'm not getting a Penthouse Forum.
Kramer: Why? No, that'll make great dinner party conversation. We'll read the letters at the dinner table.
George: Oh, that's nice.
Kramer: Come on, did you ever read one of these?
George: It's not real. They're all made up.
Kramer: Ohh, it's real.
George: Well you know there is an unusual number of people in this country having sex with AMPUTEES! (grabs the forum from Kramer and walks over to the clerk) . . . Penthouse forum, newspaper, gum, Clark Bar.
Clerk: 6.75.
George: Ah, great. All right, with the wine I'm in over twenty dollars now.
Kramer: All right, all right.
Man1: (gibberish Arabic yelling) ...Big Coat! Big Coat!
George: Yes, Im Sorry, it's a new coat. It-it's Gore-Tex.
Kramer: You better be careful with that thing... You'll start a war.
Jerry: Uhm, see the key to eating a Black and White cookie, Elaine, is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than, vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only *Look to the Cookie* - all our problems would be solved.
Elaine: Well your views on race relations are just, fascinating. You really should do an Op-Ed piece for the Times. (Op-Ed stands for Opinions and Editorials)
Jerry: Hmm. Look to the cookie Elaine... Look to the cookie.
Elaine: (looking in the box) Well what is this?
Jerry: What?
Elaine: It's a hair.
Jerry: Oh, oh take it back. Let's get another one.
Elaine: No, we're late as it is. I'll just take it off.
Jerry: No no come on really, get another one. Itll take a second.
Elaine: Alright, alright.
Elaine: Excuse me.
Man: Hey hey, I'm on line here.
Elaine: No noo no, we just bought this. . . . Um, you sold us a cake with a (quietly) hair on it.
Clerk: You have to take a number.
Elaine: We waited fifteen minutes for this. Tst - YOU SELL ME A CAKE WITH A HAIR ON IT. Then you want me to wait? . . . What are you doing (to Jerry taking a number) you're gonna wait now?
Jerry: Well, I'm not going to eat a cake with a hair on it.
Elaine: Well it was a little hair. I took it off.
Jerry: A little hair? Do you think that makes it better?
Elaine: What if it's your hair?
Jerry: What if it's your hair?
Elaine: (Wh-wh) What is wrong with my hair? Nobody takes better care of their hair than me. You can serve dinner on my head.
Jerry: Who needs that misty herbal rain water crap they sell in the health food store. I use Prell, the hard stuff. Hundred proof - takes your roots out. (pretends to pull hair out)
Elaine: Okay, fine, we'll just wait until she calls the number.
Jerry: Well, maybe we should just forget about the cake?
Elaine: No I'm bringing cake! (looking worried and apprehensive)
George: All right we got the wine. Aren't we lucky? We got wine. Whoopee Whoa! Imagine if we didn't bring the wine. We'd be shunned by society. Outcasts! WHERE'S YOUR WINE? GET OUT!
Kramer: (reading from the Penthouse Forum) "I know this is going to sound like a crazy fantasy but every word of this story is true" (exits to street) " A few weeks ago my girlfriend happened to mention to me how attractive she thought our new neighbor Linda was"
George: L-Look at this?
Kramer: Ahh.
George: Somebody double parked and blocked us in. D-DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHOSE CAR THAT IS? Maybe there's a note on it. Ohh-oh brother. No, no note. Can you believe this?
Kramer: "well of course I noticed it too with those cannibal breasts and pouty lips. I don't have to tell you she was a knock out." (turns the page)
George: I really can not comprehend how stupid people could be sometimes. Can you comprehend it?
Kramer: No, no I can't comprehend it?
George: I mean we can put a man on the moon but we're still basically very stupid. The guy who's car this is? He could be one of the guys that built the rocket. You see what I'm saying?
Kramer: Well yeah, yeah. He could build the rocket, but-but he's still stupid for double-parking and blocking somebody in.
George: So you really understand my point about building a rocket and double-parking.
Kramer: Yeah, on one hand he's smart with rockets and on the other hand he's dumb with parking. . . . It's cold out here huh?
George: Maybe it's not even stupidity. Maybe it's just a blatant disregard for basic human decency. Yeah this how dictator's start. Do you think Mussolini would circle the block six times looking for a spot?
Kramer: How about Idi Amin, huh?
George: Ill tell you, if I was running for office I would ask for the death penalty for double-parkers. If this is allowed to go on this is not a society. THIS IS ANARCHY!
Kramer: Are those shoes comfortable?
George: No not really.
Kramer: Cause they look comfortable.
George: I know that's why I bought `em but they're not comfortable.
Elaine: Why couldn't we just take the hair off and go?
Jerry: No. That's out of the question.
Elaine: Whhhy?
Jerry: Because I had a bad experience with a hair when I was younger.
Elaine: What happened?
Jerry: I'd rather not talk about it.
Elaine: You can't tell me?
Jerry: All right . . . . I once found a hair in my Farina and I freaked out.
(*Farina: A meal or flour obtained chiefly from cereals, nuts, potatoes or Indian Corn, and used as a breakfast food.)
Elaine: You found a hair in your Farina?
Jerry: Yeah.
ClerkS Voice (Off Camera): 56
Elaine: What happened?
Jerry: Well I started screaming, "There's a hair in my farina. There's a hair in my farina." Then I ran out of the house and I was running and running. And like I was little but I could run very fast. And I-I just kept running (In the background - CLERKS VOICE 57) and they found me like three hours later collapsed at a construction site.
Elaine: (quietly) Wow. Who's hair was it?
Jerry: My mother's.
Elaine: (quietly) Ahhhhh
Clerk: 58!
Elaine: Ooo, That's us. (hits Jerry in the arm)
Jerry: Oh, good.
Elaine: You sold us a hair with a cake around it. We'd like another one.
Clerk: (coughing and coughing, getting really bad)
Jerry: Oh, that's lovely.
Elaine: Ah,
Jerry: That's what you want to see, yeah. . . . Yeah, you want to trade your hair for some phlegm.
Jerry: Yeah that's a good deal - you win the Pennant with that trade, hair for phlegm.
Clerk: Here you are. (hands Elaine the cake box)
Elaine: Okay. Alright we got the cake now. Where is George and Kramer?
Kramer: HEY DOUBLE-PARKER! (honk, honk) SHOW YOURSELF. (honk, honk) COME ON OUT, IM FREEZING! (honk, honk)
George: We are really late now. We're in big trouble. Big trouble.
Kramer: Why?
George: You know - Elaine.
Kramer: What about her?
George: . . . I'm a little scared of her.
Kramer: You're scared of Elaine?
George: Yes!
Kramer: Why?
George: Did you ever see her lose her temper. I was once late cause I bought a Panama hat - she grabbed it by the brim, pulled it down so hard my head came right through the top of it.
Kramer: Hey, let's go inside the liquor store. Im freezin in here.
George: Why didn't you just wear a heavier coat?
Kramer: Because I wanted to look good for the party.
George: Oh, Hey, hey, hey! That's great! That's very nice. You know we've been waiting twenty minutes for you people?! What do you think, you're Mussolini?!
Man2: Back off *Puff Ball* it's not my car! (shoving Georges shoulder, he turns and walks away)
George: I wasn't talking to you.
Elaine: Wait `til I get my hands on that George. I am gonna *pull* that big hood over his little head... tie the strings, and suffocate. You remember that Panama hat? That was nothing.
Jerry: Huh, wa?
Elaine: What's the matter with you?
Jerry: I dont know, I don't feel so good.
Elaine: What's wrong?
Jerry: My stomach, I , think it was that cookie.
Elaine: The black and white?
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: Not getting along?
Jerry: I think I got David Duke and Farrakhan down there.
Elaine: (mocking - in a dopey voice) Well if we can't look to the cookie where can we look?
Jerry: Oh my stomach. I feel like I'm going to throw up.
Elaine: Wait, what about your vomit streak?
Jerry: I know, I haven't thrown up since June 29th, 1980.
Elaine: Oh, oh! Ooh my god. Oh!
Man3: Sooory.
Elaine: Sorry? You almost took my toe off. Why don't you watch what you're doing you, LUNATIC! (the man turns and walks away)
Elaine: (cont) ...uh, Jerry, I think he broke my toe. (Jerry gets up) W-Where're you going?
Jerry: Fourteen years down the drain. (points and walks off - to the bathroom)
George: Do you think chickens have individual personalities?
Kramer: (shivering) I don't know.
George: If you had like five chickens could you tell them apart by just the way they acted? Or would they all just be walking around? Bak, bak, baak, bak? Cause if they have individual personalities Im not sure we should be eaten `em. What's the matter with you?
Kramer: (shivering gibberish) Waj cha jia ja
Clerk: Can I help you guys with anything?
George: Oh, no no no - We bought the wine here before, but now, you know we're bl-blocked in by some car double parked and we're just waiting for the guy to pull out.
Clerk: Well wait outside. This isn't a hangout.
George: But my friend here has hypothermia.
Kramer: (shivering) Hypothermia.
Clerk: All right guys, take it outside.
Clerk: You're paying for these.
Elaine: How was it?
Jerry: As good as it gets.
George: You know that coat was Gore-Tex. Its worth a hell of a lot more than that, cheap Chardonnay.
Kramer: (shivering) You know I'm freezin. Im definitely freezin. I can't stop shaking.
George: I'm cold too. At least you've got a coat. Let's get in the car.
Kramer: (quietly) L-l (look)
George: Oh, my god that's Saddam Hussein. The dictator.
Man4: I wouldn't walk around without a coat in this weather; you'll catch your death of cold. So long. (waves to George and Kramer as they wave back at him.)
Clerk: Can I getca anything else?
Jerry: Oh, no thanks.
Clerk: How about a nice box of "scram".
George: S-s-somebody double parked, we couldn't help it. It might have been Saddam Hussein, we're not really sure. He eh, had a British accent though.
George: What, what happened to you?
Elaine: Somebody put a cane on my foot. Just like the one I'm going to put up your...
Jerry: Hey, what happened to your coat? And what is the smell? Is-ya, What are you drunk?
George: I had to give it to the liquor store guy.
Jerry: What for?
George: I spilled some Chardonnay. So, what did you get?
Elaine: Cinnamon babka.
George: Cinnamon? Why didn't cha get chocolate?
Jerry: George!
Elaine: Here, here's your cake. (just about tosses it at the woman)
George: And your wine.
Elaine: See ya'.
Jerry: See ya'.


Jerry: I love these nature shows, Ill watch and kind of nature show, and its amazing how you can always relate, to whatever they're talking about. You know like you're watching the African Dung Beetle and you're going Boy, his life is a lot like mine. And you always root for whichever animal is the star of the show that week - like if its the antelope, and theres a lion chasing the antelope you go, Run antelope Run! Use your Speed, Get away! But the next week its the lion, and then you go Get the antelope, eat him, bite his head! - Trap him, dont let him use his speed!
Elaine: (to the phone) Well did he bring it up in the meeting?
Jerry: Elaine, see this T-shirt, six years I've had this T-shirt. It's my best one, I call him Golden Boy.
Elaine: Yeah, I'm on the phone here.
Jerry: Golden Boys always the first shirt I wear out of the laundry. Here... touch Golden Boy!
Elaine: No thanks. (to the phone) Yeah, Yeah I'll hold.
Jerry: But see look at the collar, it's fraying. Golden Boy is slowly dying. Each wash brings him one step closer, that's what makes the T-shirt such a tragic figure.
Elaine: Why don't you just let Golden Boy soak in the sink with some Woolight?
Jerry: No!!! The reason he's the iron man is because he goes out there and plays every game. Wash!!! Spin!!! Rinse!!! Spin!!! You take that away from him, you break his spirit!
Elaine: (to the phone)Yeah. Oh! What? He is! Oh! that's fantastic! I'm so excited! Yes I'm excited, OK, OK I'll be in soon! yeah, yeah, I'm coming, I'm coming! OK bye. (Elaine jumps up and dances around) Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer!
Jerry: The guy whos in the gulag?!
Elaine: Yeah! Pendant's publishing his new book, and I'm working on it! Lippman and I are gonna go to the airport on Thursday and pick him up in a limousine!
Jerry: You wanna barrow Golden Boy!
Elaine: Oh! (pushing Jerry) Do you know what this means, it's like working with Tolstoy!
Jerry: Hey ya know I read an unbelievable thing about Tolstoy the other day, did you know the original title for "War and Peace" was "War-What Is It Good For?"!
Elaine: ... (looking at Jerry for a second then, mockingly nods her head back and forth) ...Ha ha ha ha.
Jerry: No, no I'm not kidding Elaine it's true, his mistress didn't like the title and insisted that he change it to "War and Peace"!
Elaine: But it's a line from that song!
Jerry: That's were they got it from!
Elaine: Really?
Jerry: I'm not joking!
George: You can't handle the truth! (he salutes) (imitating Jack Nicholson [a.k.a. Col. Nathan R. Jessep], from the 1992 movie A Few Good Men)
Jerry: What?
George: (still in Jacks voice) I'm working on my Jack Nicholson, You can't handle the truth! (he salutes)
Elaine: What is this your mail? (She takes a magazine and starts flipping through it)
George: Yeah, I grabbed it on the way out, I don't want my mother reading it.
Elaine: Oh! Your Alumni Magazine.
Jerry: Your mother reads your mail?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: What do you mean like post-cards an...?
George: No, anything.
Jerry: She doesn't open...?
George: She'll open!
Jerry: You've caught your mother opening envelopes!
George: Yes.
Jerry: What did she say?
George: I was curious! (imitating his moms voice)
Jerry: Isn't that against the law?
George: Maybe I can get her locked up.
Elaine: (gasp) Hey Jerry, you're in the Alumni magazine! Listen to this Jerry Seinfeld has appeared on "David Letterman" and the "Tonight Show" and he did a pilot for NBC called "Jerry" ...that was not picked up. Georgie, how come theres not anything about you in here?
Jerry: He can't handle the truth!
Elaine: All right (slaps the magazine down on the counter) this is too much fun, I gotta get back to work. (heads for the door)
Kramer: (singing) Johnny Yuma was a rebel, Yeah! ...
Kramer: Are you all right?
Elaine: Yeah. (startled)
Kramer: Unh... Sorry.
Elaine: Its OK. (starts walking down the hallway)
Kramer: Yeah. Oh, here, wait wait (walks a few steps to catch up to her as she stops) Ah, maybe you could ah, use this (he searches through his jacket) Ah, here, it's a electronic organizer...
Elaine: What?
Kramer: Ah, Yeah. uh...
Elaine: Wh..?
Kramer: Yeah, here it is... yeah.
Kramer: You know, for phone numbers, addresses, keep appointments, everything.
Elaine: Wow!
Kramer: It's got an alarm that beeps!
Elaine: Oh! I can't believe this, Kramer!
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: I've been wanting to get one of these things! Are you sure that...
Elaine: ...Are you sure you can't use this thing?
Kramer: No no no. I got all my appointments up here. (he points to his head)
Elaine: Where'd you get this?
Kramer: Well, the bank, I opened up a new account.
George: Hey, did you see that whale thing on TV last night?
Jerry: No.
George: I am such a Huge whale fan. These marine biologists were showin' how they communicate with each other with these squeaks and squeals, what a fish!
Jerry: It's a mammal.
George: Whatever. (George looks to the table) Hey new tape recorder?
Jerry: Yeah, got it from the bank.
Kramer: (overly excited) Hey (Claps hands one time)
Jerry: Hey.
George: Hey.
Kramer: (still overly excited) Who wants to have some fun!
Jerry: I do.
George: I do.
Kramer: (once again, overly excited) Now are you just sayin' you want to have fun or do you reallllly want to have fun?!
Jerry: I really wanna have fun.
George: I'm just sayin' I wanna have some fun.
Kramer: Right now there six-hundred Titleists that I got from the driving range in the trunk of my car. Why don't we drive out to Rock-a-Way and hit `em-(very over excited) into the ocean! Now picture this... we find a nice sweet spot between the dunes, we take out our drivers, we tee up and (he makes a golf stroke), that ball goes sailing up into the sky holds there for a moment and then.... ... gulp!
George: Come on. Ya wanna go get some lunch?
Jerry: Yeah, let me just stop by the cash machine and I'll meet you over at the coffee shop.
George: Yeah, I'm gonna get a paper.
George: Keep your head down.
Kramer: Yeah! (Kramer takes a huge imaginary swing)
Jerry: (he hits a few keys and looks over at her) Cash advance... yes (hits a key) no (he looks over again) balance inquiry... no (he looks again) receipt... no (he looks again) processing... processing... (He opens the box, pulls out his money and then looks at the woman and says) I won!
Diane: Jerry?
Jerry: Yeah.
Diane: Its Diane, Diane DeConn, from Queens college.
Jerry: Oh Diane.
Diane: (laughing a little) How are you?
Jerry: Good, good.
Diane: (sighs) How long has it been?
Jerry: Since college.
Diane: Huh. I've been seeing you on TV you're doin' great.
Jerry: Yeah pluggin' along.
Diane: You know I got the Alumni magazine. What ever happened to your friend George? I notice I never see his name in there.
Jerry: Well he's kind of modest.
Diane: He was always such a goof-off. I mean did he ever get anywhere?
Jerry: Sure.
Diane: Yeah? What field?
Jerry: Marine biology.
Diane: George is a marine biologist?!
Jerry: Yeah, pretty damn good one, too!
Diane: I can't believe it. I-I would never had thought
Jerry: Yeah... hes specializing in whales. He's working on lowering the cholesterol level, in whales all that blubber - quite unhealthy. You know its the largest mammal on earth but as George says "they don't have to be."
George: Diane DeConn? You saw Diane DeConn!
Jerry: Something huh?
George: Ahh! How'd she look?
Jerry: She looked great.
George: Ahh! (closes his eyes and rolling his head back) Umh!
Jerry: She asked about you.
George: She asked about me? What did- What did she say?
Jerry: "How's George?"
George: George! She said George? She remembered my name. (loudly - to a passing waitress and the rest of the restaurant) Diane DeConn remembered my name. She was the "it" girl!
Jerry: Yeah she asked for your number, I think she's gonna get in touch with you.
George: (pauses for a few seconds) OK, I'm tellin' you right now - if your kiddin' around I'm not gonna be able to be your friend anymore. I'm serious about that. You got that.
Jerry: I got no problem with that.
George: Good. Cause if this is a lie, if this is a joke, if this is your idea of some cute little game we're finished!
Jerry: Expect a call.
George: Oh my god he's not kidding. (exhale gasp)
Jerry: Now, I should tell you that, at this point, she's under the impression that you're - a - ah
George: A what?
Jerry: A marine biologist.
George: (pauses) A marine biologist?
Jerry: Yes.
George: Why am I a marine biologist?
Jerry: I may have mentioned it.
George: But I'm not a marine biologist!
Jerry: Yes I know that.
George: So?
Jerry: Why, you don't think it's a good job?
George: I didn't even know it was a job.
Jerry: Oh it's a fascinating field!
George: Well what if she calls me? What am I supposed to say?! (hand hits the table)
George: Algae, obviously plankton, hmhm. I don't know what else I could tell ya, ah, Oh I-I just got back from a trip to the Galapagos Islands, I was living with the turtles.
[Limo Driving On The Street -- Then Inside The Limo: Elaine, Lippman, and Testikov are talkin']
Lippman: We have got you in a very nice hotel, I-I don't know how you like to work, but ah, I can arrange for an office if you like.
Testikov: (Russian accent) I work in hotel.
Lippman: Oh.
Testikov: is better.
Testikov: Away from all your little petty bickerings and interference.
Lippman: You know, Tolstoy use to write in the village square. The faces inspired him.
Testikov: (proudly) He did not need inspiration God spoke through his pen. Hu Hu Hu (pounds his fist lightly on his heart)
Elaine: Ohh, That is so true! (clutches her hands to her chest)
Lippman: Yes.
Elaine: Although one wonders if "War and Peace" would has been as highly acclaimed as it was, had it was published under it's original title "War-What Is It Good For?"
Lippman: What?
Elaine: Yeah. Mr. Lippman. It was *his mistress* who insisted that he call it
Lippman: Elaine
[Background Cars: Honk Honk]
Elaine: "War and Peace."
Lippman: Elaine
Elaine: "War-What Is It Good For." (sings) Absolutely nothin' HUH! Say it Again! ahehehehe
Testikov: (quietly) Ahhuuh
Elaine: (spoken to Testikov) that's a song
Lippman: It (frustrated and trying to keep her from saying more)
Elaine: they-they took it from Tolstoy.
Lippman: No. e-Elaine.
Testikov: War-What Is It Good For?
Lippman: It-no- it's just her sense of humor.
Elaine: No its not. That really is true.
Testikov: What is that noise!
Lippman: Its Not
Elaine: Yes it is
Lippman: No Its Not!!
Testikov: That noise!
Lippman: it-it-its her purse.
Testikov: Where is that noise? Its traveling up my spine! Into my Brain!
Elaine: Oh, I
Lippman: It's coming from your purse.
Elaine: Oh It must be my new organizer.
Testikov: That noise!
Lippman: YesTurn it off.
Elaine: Right, I think its this
Lippman: No its the Button. Elaine
Testikov: I can not stand it!
Lippman: It's the button at the top, the top.
Elaine: OK. I dont quite know
Testikov: Will you Turn it off!
Lippman: The one at the top.
Elaine: Yeah, Im gonna work on that
Testikov: Aaach!
Lippman: Yeah Ohoo.
Jerry: I did it for you.
George: I dont know whatcha had to tell her that for. You put me in a very difficult position, Marine Biologist! I'm very uncomfortable with this whole thing.
Jerry: You know with all do respect I would think it's right up your alley.
George: Well it's not up my alley! It's one thing if I make it up. I know what I'm doin, I know my alleys! You got me in the Galapagos Islands livin' with the turtles, I don't know where the hell I am.
Jerry: Well you came in the other day with all that whale stuff, the squeaking and the squealing and
George: Look, why couldn't you make me an architect? You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect. Well I-I'm supposed to see her tomorrow, I-I-I'm gonna tell her what's goin on. I mean maybe she just likes me for me.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Hey ya want these (He throws down the golf clubs - kicks the bag hard) I don't want em!
Jerry: What?
Kramer: I stink! I can't play! The ball is just sitting there, Jerry, and I can't hit it! I only hit one really good ball that went way out there!
Jerry: Well what happened?
Kramer: I have no concentration!
Jerry: What, what, what's wrong with you?
Kramer: Sand, I can get rid of the sand. (he sits at the table, looking down his shirt) Look theres still some in here, it won't go away! Look I even got sand in the pockets!
Jerry: Hey come on, you're getting it all over the floor!
Jerry: (to the phone) Hello yeah yes it is really ah, ah Could you hold on a second? (to George and Kramer) Hey listen to this, some woman found an electronic organizer, my name was in it, she wants me to help her track down the owner.
George: How'd she find it?
Jerry: Shes waking down the street and it hit her in the head!
Corinne: So I am walkin' along, minding my own business when all off the sudden this thing comes flying out of nowhere and clonks me right on the head.
Jerry: Wow.
Corinne: Yeah, So they took me to the hospital
Jerry: Yeah
Corinne: and they put me in this thing, that feels like a coffin, for forty-five minutes. Have you ever been in one of those things? You could go berserk in there!
Jerry: Well you have insurance...
Corinne: I wish!
Jerry: Unbelievable!
Corinne: Yeah.
Jerry: What is with this thing.
Corinne: (hits the organizer) I don't know, it never shuts up. So anyway, you could see why I would be interested in finding this person.
Jerry: Absolutely. You should not have to pay for that.
Corinne: (hits the organizer, picks it up and hits it on to the table - shouting) Stop it! Stop it!
Jerry: Let me have a look at this thing.
Corinne: Ya know it was somebody told me they thought they saw that thing come out of a limousine.
Jerry: Typical rich people, using the world for their personal garbage can.
Corinne: Boy am I lucky your name came up. I just pushed a button.
Jerry: I would like to know what my names doin in this creep's organizer to begin with.
Corinne: Yeah.
Jerry: Who do I know who would have even been in a limousine yesterday anyway. Uhh-O h-owow!
Kramer: Wha- Oh, hey.
Elaine: Hey, "great" organizer you gave me.
Kramer: Oh, you liked it huh.
Elaine: It wouldn't stop beeping, in the car so Testikov, through it out the window.
Kramer: Oh. (continuing to itch and scratch from the sand)
Elaine: I transferred everything in there. I threw out my old book. I'm lost now, Kramer.
Elaine: What, what is it?
Kramer: The sand, it's everywhere! (blows on his arm)
Elaine: OK I'll see you later.
Kramer: Yei-
Jerry: Oh, there you are!
Elaine: There you are!
Jerry: So?
Elaine: So?
Jerry: So what do you have to say for yourself?
Elaine: So what do you have to say for yourself?
Jerry: Why should I have anything for say for myself?
Elaine: "War- What is it good for?"!
Jerry: A-Ahahahahah. Who told you?
Elaine: A-hu hu hu hu. Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer! Hellooo!
Jerry: You told Testikov, (Elaine nods) that Tolstoy wanted to name his book "War- What Is IT Good For?"?
Elaine: Uh-hu. And do you know what happened?
Jerry: Can I take a guess?
Elaine: Oh, Please.
Jerry: Oh I don't know, he threw your organizer out the window?
Elaine: What, how did you know that?
Jerry: Because I know who has it.
Elaine: (gasps) How did you find it?
Jerry: Because the woman who got hit in the head with it found my name, called me up, and we met!
Elaine: (gasps) Where is it, give it to me!
Jerry: I don't have it!
Elaine: Why not.
Jerry: Because she's not returning it until she gets the money back for the hospital bill.
Elaine: But I didn't do it. Testikov did it, he should pay for it!
Jerry: How much is Testikov getting from Pendant for this book?
Elaine: One million.
Jerry: Well that's a start.
George: Then of course with evolution, the octopus lost the nostrils and took on the more familiar look that we know today.
Diane: Uh-Really?
George: Yeah, but if you still look closely you can see ah, a little bump where the nose use to be. huhuhuhu.
Diane: Wow.
George: But enough about fish, huhuhu. I can discuss other things you know, ah architecture. Huhu. (makes a wide gesture with his arms)
Jerry: You know what room Testikov's in?
Elaine: Yeah, 308. Oh, I'm crazy for doing this!
Jerry: Well, you want your organizer back don't you?
Elaine: Why are you so interested - you want to take her out?
Jerry: Hey you know when Superman saves someone no one asks if he's trying to hit on her!
Elaine: Well, you're not Superman.
Jerry: Well you're not Lois Lane.
Elaine: Oh. Listen, you got the tape-recorder.
Jerry: Yeah I got it. You sure you want to do this? (hands Elaine the tape recorder.)
Elaine: Yeah I gotta get Testikov on tape. If this woman ends up in the "New England Journal Of Medicine" I'm not gonna pay for it.
Jerry: Oh, here she comes.
Jerry: Hi.
Corinne: Hi.
Jerry: Elaine, this is Corinne.
Corinne: Hello.
Elaine: Hi, (sighs) you got the organizer?
Jerry: All right lets go. We'll meet you back down here in ten minutes, hopefully with the money.
Diane: Your parents must be so proud of you, George.
George: Oh, they're busting!
Diane: Hmhm.
Diane: What are those people doing over there?
Testikov: (In a loud and cranky voice) What, Come in - come in - Come in Miss Benes! That is if you can spare a minute from your busy schedule! And you bring guest for my entertainment?
Elaine: Um, yes this is my friend Jerry. Um, he accompanied me, ya know (clears throat), single women in a big city can be dangerous, so
Jerry: Yeah. Th-That's why I where these sneakers, in case of any trouble - Zip, I'm gone. (makes a running motion with both arms and his right foot)
Testikov: Yeah, Yeah. The sneakers. All the Americans with the sneakers. Always running from something. Ya ya, well Sit, stop running, Ehh. two minutes, I give you latest manuscript!
Jerry: Oh! Rimsky - great great book if I may say so sir. I almost read the whole thing.
Elaine: Hmm. (she nods in agreement)
Corinne: What!
Hotel Clerk: If you can't thing off, I'll have to ask you to leave.
Corinne: I'm waitin for two people! (takes a drag on the cigarette)
Hotel Clerk: Well you can wait for them outside.
Corinne: Yeah, (she blows smoke out as she speaks - it rises as in front of her) I guess I'd better. I wouldn't want to take any attention away from the hookers!
Hotel Clerk: All right, All right. Out, Out.
Corinne: Whatever you say, Cro..w-well!
Diane: What's going on over here?
Woman At Beach: There is a beached whale, she's dying.
Voice: Is anyone here a marine biologist?
Testikov: Here is latest draft. I see you next week. Same time, same day. (smacks the manuscript into Elaines hand) On time please.
Elaine: (quietly) OK.
Jerry: It was nice meeting you
Testikov: Aah.
Jerry: you're a real pleasure. (Jerry is being sarcastic)
Testikov: Ya ya. (wipes his nose with a handkerchief)
Elaine: Uh-Oh-ah, by the way Mr. Testikov um, do you remember the other day when we were in the limo and ah, my organizer started making noise and you threw it out the window?
Testikov: (quietly) yes. How could I forget? heehe.
Elaine: ( laughs) Well um, would you believe that it actually, hit somebody in the head.
Jerry: Right in the head! (leans in and points at Testikov)
Elaine: Boing! Hehe hehe. (makes a hand gesture to her forehead and away)
Testikov: (Shouting) What is that noise!
Elaine: Oh that's nothing. Um and anyway um
Testikov: Whats going on Huh! (he grabs Elaines purse) That Noise!
Elaine: No, No that's my purse!
Testikov: That Noise!
Elaine: No, get-get off my purse!
Testikov: Agh, its recorder!
Elaine: No that's Radio!
Testikov: Ha! (he clicks the player off) You are spying on me!
Crowd: Come on! Save the whale! You gotta do it!
Diane: Save the whale George... for me.
George: So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I was terrified! But I pressed on - and as I made my way passed the breakers a strange calm came over me. I-I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things but I tell you Jerry at that moment I was a Marine Biologist!
Elaine: George Ive just reading this thing in the paper, it's unbelievable!
George: I know I was just telling them the story.
Kramer: Well come on George, finish the story.
George: The sea was angry that day my friends like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli!
George: I got about fifty-feet out and suddenly, the great beast appeared before me. I tell ya he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling I realized, that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing I could see directly into the eye of the great fish!
Jerry: Mammal.
George: Whatever.
Kramer: Well then, what did you do next?
George: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed like a cork and I found myself right on top of him, (ELAINE gasps quietly Ahhhh) face to face with the blow-hole. I-I, I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but, I knew something was there so I reached my hand in, felt around and pulled out the obstruction!
Kramer: What is that a Titleist?
George: (Silently squinches his mouth and nods at Kramer)
Kramer: A hole in one eh.
Jerry: Well the-the crowd must have gone wild!
George: Ohh yes, yes. Yes Jerry they were all over me. It was like Rocky 1, Hm. Diane came up to me, threw her arms around me
Kramer: (quietly) Um-hm.
George: kissed me. We both had tears streaming down our faces. I never saw anyone so beautiful. It was at that moment that I decided to tell her that, I was not a marine biologist.
Jerry: Wow! What'd she say?
George: Told me to "Go to hell!" and I took the bus home.
Jerry: All right lets go.
Elaine: What, are you in a bad mood?
Jerry: Ahhh got my laundry back.
Elaine: Ohhh! Golden Boy?
Jerry: He didn't make it.
Elaine: I'm sorry. (pats him on the arm)
Jerry: Yea. (pulls at the t-shirt) This is Golden Boy's son Baby Blue.
Kramer: (to George) What's with you?
George: Sand. It's everywhere
Kramer: Yep.


Jerry: Aren't mannequins an insult to your imagination? You couldn't possibly visualize a sweater so we'll show you on this life size snotty puppet. I guess when they finish with them they become crash test dummies. That's the end of the line for a mannequin. "What ever happened to Bob?" "Have you seen that new Volvo commercial? He's got a bulls eye right in his face." Mannequins are only used for car accidents and fashion, I guess these are the two situations that it's impossible for us to imagine ourselves. Well dressed or getting killed. I'm sure there is some pro-mannequin organization that doesn't even like you to use the term mannequin. "Hey they're not mannequins, they're the life deprived."
Audrey: Hum! That was really good!
Jerry: Yeah. are you full?
Audrey: Oh no, I've had just enough.
Jerry: Ah, here we go... apple pie! Best apple pie in the city. (Jerry starts eating) Mmm, delicious. I'm not waiting for you. Take some.
Audrey: No thanks.
Jerry: You're not gonna have any?
Audrey: No (with a disgusted face)
Jerry: Do you not like apple pie?
Audrey: No, it's not that.
Jerry: Well, at least taste it.
Audrey: No (a resolute "no")
Jerry: You won't even taste it?
Audrey: No.
Jerry: Come on, try it! (Audrey shakes her head doing "no") A little taste! (still shaking) Come on. (still shaking)
Jerry: She wouldn't so much as taste it.
George: Did she say why?
Jerry: No. She wouldn't say anything. She just kept shaking her head like this (Imitating Audrey)
George: Maybe she's diabetic.
Jerry: No. She carries Entemanns doughnuts in her purse.
George: Maybe you said something that offended her.
Jerry: The only thing I can think of is I told her we should have those moving walkways all over the city.
George: Like at the airport? (getting excited)
Jerry: Yeah.
George: That's a great idea!!!
Jerry: Tell me about it!
George: We could be zipping all over the place.
Jerry: They could at least try it.
George: They never try anything.
Jerry: What's the harm?
George: No harm!
Jerry: (still talking to George) I'm sorry. There's no reason for her not to taste that pie.
Elaine: Who wouldn't taste a pie?
Jerry: Audrey.
Elaine: Dump her.
Jerry: Boy, I never broke up with anyone for not tasting pie???
Elaine: (piffling) I once broke up with someone for not offering me pie.
Jerry: You did?
Elaine: He could be eating a gyro, he wouldn't offer me anything. It's a sickness.
George: Well, I can't walk anywhere now. I'm just gonna be wishing there were walkways. (seeing Elaine removing her shoe) What are you doing?
Elaine: I got a pebble.
Jerry: Boy, I never heard of that happening to a woman?
Elaine: What the hell does that mean?
Kramer: Hey! Elaine. Go Like this. (imitating a mannequin posture)
Elaine: What? Why?
Kramer: Do it. Do it. This.
Elaine: Like... (doing it) Like this?
Kramer: Oh yeah! It's you!
Elaine: What's me?
Kramer: (to the gang) There's a clothing store downtown. They got a mannequin in there that looks exactly like Elaine.
Elaine: Get out!
Kramer: It's uncanny! It's like they chopped off your arms and legs, dipped you in plastic, and screwed you back all together again, and stuck you on a pedestal. It's really quite exquisite.
George: Kramer, what's the name of the store with the mannequin?
Kramer: Rinitze. (he takes Jerry's spatula and starts rubbing his back with it) Oh yeah...
Jerry: (to Kramer) Uh... may I help you? (wondering what the hell's Kramer doing)
Kramer: It's this itch. I was watching TV without my shirt on, and one my couch cushions didn't have any fabric on it.
George: Wait a minute, Rinitze? Don't they have somme really cool suits in there?
Kramer: Real Boss!
Elaine: I'm going down there.
George: I'm gonna go with you. I gotta get a new suit. I got a second interview with MacKenzie, and I think I'm really close. They're all taking me out to lunch on Friday.
Elaine: (grabbing George by the arm, hurried to leave) Let's go.
George: All right. All right. (They both leave)
Kramer: (leaving too, with the spatula) Are you gonna need this?
Jerry: Keep it. (implied please)
Elaine: It looks exactly like me.
George: It's like some pod landed from another planet and took your body. Don't fall asleep Elaine.
Elaine: What's going on here? How do you think this happened?
George: Whoa, look at this. This is a beautiful suit. Huh?
Elaine: You think that could be a coincidence George? Is that possible?
Saleswoman: (european accent) You are perfect for that suit.
George: You think so?
Elaine: (to the saleswoman) Excuse me. Where did this come from?
Saleswoman: I don't know.
George: You really think this looks O.K. on me?
Saleswoman: Fabulous. Perfect fit. And it's the last one we have.
Elaine: I'm sorry. You can't tell me where the mannequin came from?
Saleswoman: I told you, I don't know.
Elaine: (irritated, but still polite) Well, is there somebody around here I could talk to who would know?
Saleswoman: Why?
Elaine: Isn't it obvious? This mannequin looks exactly like me.
Elaine: (upset) Did you just roll your eyes at him? Because let me tell you something, if anobody should be rolling their eyes, it is me at him about you.
Saleswoman: I think maybe you're flattering yourself. That mannquein is wearing a twelve hundred dollar Gaultier dress.
Elaine: What are you saying, that I'm not good enough for this hideous dress? (looking at her name tag) Listen Natasha... I wouldn't be caught dead wearing your crummy little euro-trash rags. (to George) I'll meet you outside.
Saleswoman: What is her problem?
George: Ah, Pfft! What can you do? (looking at a tag on the suit) Is this the price tag?
Saleswoman: Yes.
George: Yes, hello. Party's over. (taking off the suit)
Saleswoman: I'll tell you a little secret. We're having an unadvertised sale starting Friday, that suit will be half-price.
George: So you think you can put the suit aside and hold it for me?
Saleswoman: Oh, I'm afraid I could't do that. It wouldn't be fair to the other customers.
George: Oh yes, of course, and we have to be fair. (placing the suit further away in the rack)
Elaine: So, I found out who supplies the mannequins and I called 'em up.
Kramer: Well, how did they get your face?
Elaine: I don't know. They wouldn't tell me. (Jerry is not listening, he's looking at two women sitting in the other booth) Jerry? Je... Hello?
Jerry: (Jerry gets up and walk to these persons) Uh... Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice you offered her a piece of your pie.
Woman 1: That's right.
Jerry: And you waved it away.
Woman 2: Right.
Jerry: Did you give her a reason?
Woman 2: Yes, I was full.
Jerry: You were full. So you gave a reason. You didn't just shake your head.
Woman 2: No, I'm not a psycho.
Jerry: Exactly. You're not a psycho. You've been very helpful. Thank you very much. Allow me to leave the tip. (sits back with Elaine and Kramer) Well, I think we proven who the psycho is.
Elaine: We certainly have.
Kramer: Hey, Elaine scratch my back.
Elaine: No way!
Kramer: Come on, one lap around.
Elaine: No.
Kramer: It will be a funky adventure.
Elaine: Kramer, forget it.
Kramer: Jerry, how about you?
Jerry: I think you know my policy.
Kramer: I'm going home to spatula. (picks up the check and walks to the cashier)
Elaine: I thought George was meeting us here?
Jerry: No he's going downtown to guard the suit.
Elaine: He's guarding a suit?
Olive: (the cashier; to Kramer) Do you need some help with that itch?
Kramer: Madam, I pray you're not toying with me. (Olive shows her long finger nails) Whoa.
Olive: Turn around.
Kramer: Oh, all right. (Olive scratches, Kramer enjoys, Elaine and Jerry watch.)
Saleswoman: (makes a guy trying the suit) It fits you perfectly.
Bob: You think so? (she nods and walks away)
George: (outside, looking the guy trying the suit through the window, and thinking out loud) What's this? Can't I leave this place for a second? (goes in, take off his jacket, walks to the guy and talks to him with an european accent) Can I help you?
Bob: I'm buying the suit.
George: No, no, no, this suit is not for sale. (tries to take off the suit from the guy)
Bob: Excuse me, do you work here?
George: (leaving the european accent) No. (laughs)
Bob: Then what the hell business is it of yours?
George: Look, I'm doing you a favor. They're having an unadvertised sale. This suit is gonna be half-priced starting ... Monday.
Bob: Really?
George: Yea Yea Yea
Bob: This Monday?
George: Yes. Now take off those pants.
Saleswoman: Actually, the unadvertised sale starts on Friday.
Bob: Friday? Thanks. (Gives a dirty look at George and leaves)
George: (to the saleswoman) You know honey for an unadvertised sale, you're doing a lot of yapping about it.
Jerry: I can't beleive your father owns this place. So how are the desserts here?
Audrey: Everything is delicious.
Jerry: You've tasted them?
Audrey: Um-hmm, I think almost all of them.
Jerry: Oh I see they have apple pie.
Audrey: Mmm-hmm.
Jerry: You've had the apple pie?
Audrey: Many times.
Jerry: Audrey, I got to be honest with you. I'm a very curious guy. It's my nature. I need to know things. Not tasting the apple pie the other day, I can't get past it. You obviously like pies. You carry doughnuts in your bag, you're not averse to pastry. Surely you could see how such a thing would prey on my mind.
Audrey: Can we drop this?
Jerry: (like a frustrated child) Why can't I know?
Audrey: Ah! Poppie.
Poppie: Sweetheart, hello.
Audrey: Poppie, this is Jerry.
Poppie: Welcome (shakes Jerry's hand)
Jerry: Hello Poppie.
Poppie: Don't fill up on the bread. I'm making you a very special dinner. Very special. (he leaves)
Jerry: The pies. I'm going to the bathroom. You know. (he leaves)
[Poppie'S Restaurant: Bathroom]
Poppie: Ah, Jerry! Tonight you in for a real treat. I'm personnaly going to prepare the dinner for you and my Audrey.
Audrey: Jerry are you OK?
Jerry: Huh?
Audrey: Is anything wrong?
Jerry: No, Nothing.
Audrey: You look like you've seen a ghost.
Olive: (to another cashier) I'll see you tomorrow.
Kramer: Hey. These are for you Olive.
Olive: Thank you.
Kramer: Ohh!
Poppie: Here it is.
Audrey: Wait till you taste this. (she eats) Poppie, this is perfect.
Poppie: (to Jerry) Well?
Audrey: Jerry have some. (Jerry shakes his head doing "no") You're not gonna taste it? (still shaking) Jerry. (still shaking)
Jerry: So she tought I did it to get back at her
George: Why didn't you just tell her?
Jerry: I don't think that's the kind of thing you wanna hear about your father. But I'll tell you when he came out of that bathroom and he was kneading that dough, it was a wild scene.
George: How could he not have washed?
Jerry: Even if you're not gonna soap up, at least pretend for my benefit. Turn the water on, do something.
George: Yeah, just like I do.
Jerry: You know a chef who doesn't wash is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help, he wants to get caught.
George: Well, I think Poppie's got some problems. There's a whole other thing going on with Poppie. So how did you leave it?
Jerry: We haven't spoken.
Kramer: Well, I'm not gonna need this anymore. I got Olive. (Jerry throws out the spatula)
George: Olive?
Kramer: Yeah. My lady friend down at Monks.
George: Oh.
Kramer: You guys ought to see the way she works her nails across my back. Ohh! She's a maestro. The crisscross. The figure eight, strummin' the ol' banjo, and this wild, savage free-for-all where anything can happen.
George: I got to get downtown and buy that suit. The store opens in twenty minutes.
Kramer: Is that Elaine mannequin still there?
George: Yeah.
Kramer: Yeah.
George: The last time I saw her, she was naked.
Jerry: Yeah, and Poppie's got problems...
Bob: Where is it? Where is it?
George: (George takes out the suit from the other rack) Well, look at this. (innocently) This doesn't belong here! Someone has made a terrible mistake.
Bob: You bastard! You hid the suit.
George: Hid? I have no idea how this suit got misplaced. Nevertheless, I do believe I shall purchase it.
Bob: I hope you rot in that suit. Look I'm gonna get you for this. I don't know how, but I'm gonna get you. You are going to pay!
George: Oh, I'll pay. Half-price. Arrivederci my fellow 40-short.
Elaine: So I made a little list of people who might've made the mannequin. You know, possible suspects.
Jerry: Yeah, all right. Go ahead. (not very interested)
Elaine: There's this blind guy at a party I was at, and he felt my face for a really long time. You know, to see what I looked like. He almost put his finger up my nose.
Jerry: (very disinterested) Hum... ok, what else you got?
Elaine: OK, I'm not gonna tell you the rest of the list.
Jerry: Oh, because I didn't think the blind guy did it?
Elaine: Because you have an attitude.
Jerry And Elaine: Oh!
Jerry: Georgio! Nice duds!
George: You're telling me. (he walks around and the suit makes a swooshing sound) So, what do you think?
Jerry: Did you hear something?
Elaine: Yeah, like a swoosh.
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: (feels the fabric) It must be the fabric. It's rubbing between you thighs when you walk. That's what's making that swooshy sound.
George: I probably didn't hear it on the way over because of the street noise. (he panics) This is no good! I got to meet these guys from MacKenzie for lunch in half an hour!
Jerry: So what? What would they care?
George: This MacKenzie, he's a bit of a nut. Someone told me he fired the last guy because his nose whistled when he breathed.
Jerry: So you think you're not gonna get the job because your pants make a noise?
George: Let's say it comes down to me and one other guy. He's got a nice quiet suit, and I'm whooshing all over the place! Who do you think he's gonna hire?
Jerry: You know, I think all these interviews are making you nuts.
Kramer: Hey Jerry, I saw your girlfriend was in here before.
Jerry: Audrey?
Kramer: Yep. Sat down, had herself a piece of pie.
Jerry: Was it apple?
Kramer: What else?
Jerry: This woman is bending my mind into a pretzel!
Stranger: Do I know you?
Elaine: Hmm... No you don't.
Stranger: Yeah! You were wearing a G-string and one of those bras with points.
Elaine: The mannequin!
Jerry: Oh, I got to see this thing.
Jerry: Boy, the resemblance is uncanny.
Elaine: You think you can pose me however you want? That's my ass in your window!
Saleswoman: It's our store and our mannequin, we can do whatever we want with it.
Elaine: No! You take that mannequin down right now, or I'm pressing charges. (Jerry goes along) Yes, this is my attorney.
Saleswoman: (to Jerry) Yeah? What law am I breaking?
Jerry: Well, I believe there's some legal precedent - Winchell vs. Mahoney,
Elaine: Uh-huh
Jerry: The Charlie Macarthy hearings.
Elaine: Uh-huh. Are you taking this down?
Saleswoman: I'm getting the manager. (she leaves)
Elaine: Jerry get the car. (she's getting the mannequin)
Jerry: What are you doing?
Elaine: Just get the car!
Jerry: Elaine, as your legal counsel I must advise against this.
Jerry: I don't know about you, but I'm getting a hankering for some doublemint gum. Alright, I'm dropping you off at work, right?
Elaine: Where are you going?
Jerry: Poppie's
Mackenzie: Thanks for meeting me down here George. My office is out of control, (George's pants are making noise) phones ringing, people running in and out. (MacKenzie stops talking and walking, George too) Did you hear something?
George: No, I didn't hear anything.
Mackenzie: Huh, that's strange. (they start walking again) It's quieter here. We can concentrate without people wooshing around... (he stops again, George too) That sound again. Sure you didn't hear anything?
George: No, can't say as I did.
Mackenzie: Kind of like a... rustling.
George: Could be the leaves...
Audrey: That's right. Poppie's on 77th. Ok we'll see you at 800. Bye-bye.
Jerry: Hello.
Audrey: What are you doing here?
Jerry: So how was the pie?
Audrey: What pie?
Jerry: The apple pie you had today at Monks
Audrey: I'm very busy here.
Jerry: Pretty good, wasn'it? I told you you should've tasted it.
Audrey: You better not let Poppie see you here.
Health Inspector: All right, I'm looking for someone named Poppie.
Audrey: Uh, who are you?
Health Inspector: Board of health, we've had several complaints.
Jerry: Oh, about the... uh (Jerry pretend to wash his hands)
Health Inspector: Are you Poppie?
Poppie: I'm Poppie.
Health Inspector: I think you'd better come with me.
Poppie: What's the problem?
Audrey: What do they want from Poppie?
Jerry: Well, Poppie's a little sloppy.
Mackenzie: You taught I'd care about your pants wooshing?
George: I heard the last guy got fired because his nose whislted.
Mackenzie: No, no, no. He got fired because he wasn't a team player. That's something we don't joke about at MacKenzie. You'll find we're team here George. We don't tolerate dissent. If you want to go your own way, you're in the wrong place.
George: No problem there. Conformity is an obsession with me.
Waiter: Chocolate cream pie. Compliments of the house.
Mackenzie: Oh! Hope you saved room for dessert.
Waiter: (to George) The chef said that he made it special for you.
George: Oh... (George looks around and sees the chef hiding behind a plant it's Bob!)
Mackenzie: Mmm.. Best pie I've ever tasted. Take a bite George. (George shakes his head doing "no") Well, take a bite. It's delicious. (still shaking) I insist. (still shaking)
Businessman: If you're one of us, you'll take a bite.
Jerry: So you didn't get the job.
George: No. But I was the only one at the table that didn't get violently ill.
Jerry: Kramer, you can't keep avoiding her like this, you're gonna have to say something.
Kramer: What am I supposed to say?
Jerry: Tell her you lost your itch.
George: What happened to your itch?
Kramer: I lost it two days ago. I've been faking it so I wouldn't hurt her feelings.
Jerry: Well you should tell her.
Kramer: I'll let her down easy. All right. (he gets up and walks to Olive) Well, hi Olive. (she reaches for Kramer's back) No, no. No more of that. There's something I have to tell you.
Olive: What?
Kramer: Uh, well, there's someone else.
Olive: Someone else?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Olive: Who is she?
Kramer: Her. (he points to the Elaine mannequin in Jerry's car)
Olive: her?
Kramer: Yeah, there she is. That's my gal.
Olive: You're a liar. I've seen her in here before. She's not your girlfriend.
Kramer: Now Olive, look, I'm sorry.
Olive: Why is she wearing her underwear?
Kramer: Well, it's the style. (turns back to Jerry) Jerry give me the keys. (Jerry throws his keys to Kramer) Well, I guess we're gonna go for a drive now. She really loves that.
George: Did you ever solve the riddle of the pie?
Jerry: No. That's one for the ages. But I think they're gonna put Poppie away for a long long time.
Elaine: You guys are not gonna believe this. I just got a letter from a friend of mine in Chicago who was shopping, and she said she saw a mannequin that looked just like me. What if there're more. Where are they coming from?
Ricky'S Boss: Ricky, we've been getting a tremendous response to your TR-6 mannequin.
Ricky: TR-6? I prefer to think of her as... Elaine.