Jerry: I have to tell you that I did some very exciting news recently, and I dont know if I should really tell you exactly what it is because its really not a definite thing yet. (crowd cheers him on to tell them) Well, I will tell you what I know so far. According to the information that I have in the envelope that Ive received, it seems that I may have already won some very valuable prizes. (audience applauds) Well, thank you, thank you very much, well thank you. That's very nice to hear that. But, in all honesty, I have to say, I didnt even know I was in this thing. But, according to the readout, it looks like I am among the top people that they are considering. You know, that's what annoys me about the sweepstakes companies, they always tease you with that, You may have already won. Id like once for a sweepstakes company to have some guts, come out with the truth, just tell people the truth one time. Send out envelopes, You have definitely lost! You turn it over, giant printing, Not even close! You open it up, theres this whole letter of explanation, Even we cannot believe how badly you have done in this contest.
Jerry: (to Kramer) To the right.
George: That took awhile.
Jerry: Dont get up.
George: Id like to help, but my neck..
George: So how long has it been in the basement?
Jerry: Since my grandfather died. I was suppose to send it down to my parents in Florida, but they didnt want it. They told me to get rid of it, but I felt funny and then I sort of forgot about it. And its been sitting down there for three years until he saw it. (to Kramer) All right, so, just take what you want and lets get it out of here.
George: Whats in it?
Jerry: Grandpa clothes, I cant wear em.
Kramer: You want these? Knee socks. You dont wear knee socks.
Jerry: No, go ahead. Look at this place. I cant wait to get it cleaned.
George: I know someone wholl do it. Shes good. Shes honest.
Jerry: No, Elaines got this writer friend from Finland, Rava. Her boyfriend goes to Columbia grad school, and hes suppose to do it.
George: Students cant clean. Its anathema. (explaining) They dont like it.
Jerry: How long have you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation?
Kramer: Now this I like.
George: Wait a second. (George gets up and heads for the statue in Kramers hands.) I cant believe this! Let me see this.
Kramer: Wait, wait, wait...
George: Let me just see it.
Kramer: Come on...
George: Let me just see it for a second.
George: Oh my God, its exactly the same!
Jerry: What?
George: When I was ten years old, my parents had this very same statue on the mantle of our apartment. Exactly. And, one day, I grabbed it, and I was using it as a microphone. I was singing, MacArthur Park, and I got to the part about, Ill never have that recipe again, and it slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the ten commandments. To this day, they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked.
Kramer: Cmon, George. I saw it first.
George: No, Kramer. I have to have this statue.
Kramer: No, I got dibs!
George: What? No dibs! I need this statue. Cmon, give it!
Jerry: Spread out, spread out you numbskulls. Why dont you just settle it like mature adults?
Kramer: Potato man!
George: No, no, no potato man. Inka-dink.
Kramer: Okay...yea well uh start with me.
George: Yeah, good, good.
Jerry: Inka-dink, a bottle of ink, the cork fell out, and you stink.
Jerry: Not because you're dirty, not because you're clean just because you kissed the girl behind the magazine...
Jerry: And you are it!
Kramer: What?! Wait a minute. No, no, no. What are you doing? No, no, oh, oh, okay. Hes out. I get it.
George: No, no, no, no, Im It. I win.
Jerry: No, hes It. He wins. It is good.
Kramer: Do over start with him.
Jerry: No, no, no, come on, Kramer. Now, you got the socks.
Kramer: All right, you can have it. (Kramer tosses the statue to George.)
George: (not expecting the statue to be thrown) Dit.
Kramer: Okay, Im gonna take the suit, and the shoes, and the hat.
Jerry: All right, cmon. Lets go.
Kramer: Hey, I look like Joe Friday in Dragnet.
George: I cant believe I won at Inka-dink.
Jerry: Come on, lets go.
George: Yea.
Jerry: Arent you gonna take it?
George: No, no, no, I dont want to carry it around all night. Ill pick it up later.
George: (to Kramer) What about your stuff?
Kramer: Oh, uh, well - okay.
Jerry: All right, lets go. Hey, you know, you owe me one.
George: What?
Jerry: The Inka-dink.. You were It.
George: Its bad?
Jerry: Its very bad.
Rava: Well, if they dont let you be my editor on this book, Ill go to another publisher. Its that simple.
Elaine: You told them that?
Rava: Of course.
Elaine: (excited) This is so fantastic. I dont know how to thank you.
Jerry: (to Rava) So, wheres this boyfriend of yours? I cant wait much longer. Ive got a flight.
Elaine: Oh, probably caught in traffic.
Rava: Or maybe hes dead.
Jerry: So what do you write, childrens books?
Rava: That's Ray.
Ray: Ah, greetings, greetings, and salutations. I beg your forgiveness. My tardiness was unavoidable. Rava, my love. Elaine, my dear friend. And you must be Jerry. Lord of the manor. Ah, my liege. A pleasure to serve you.
Jerry: All right...
Rava: And we have to get back to work.
Jerry: I gotta get to the airport.
Ray: Your palace shall sparkle like the stars in heaven upon your save arrival, Sire.
Jerry: The uh toilet brush is under the sink.
Jerry: I dont really feel that comfortable with a maid, either, because theres that guilt when you have someone cleaning your house. You know, you're sitting there on your sofa, and they go by with the vacuum, Im really sorry about this. I dont know why I left that stuff over there. And that's why I could never be a maid, because Id have an attitude. Id find them, wherever they are in the house, Oh, I suppose you couldn't do this? No, dont get up, let me clean up your filth. No, you couldn't dust. No, this is too tough, isn't it?
Jerry: He really did an amazing job. Look! He uncoagulated the top of the dishwashing liquid! (Jerry opens refrigerator.) He cleaned out the bottom of the little egg cups! Come here, look at this. (He gets on his knees and points.) He cleaned the little one-inch area between the refrigerator and the counter. How did he get in there?! He must be like Rubber Man!
Elaine: Theres no Rubber Man.
Jerry: Why did I think there was a Rubber Man? Theres Elastic Man... Plastic Man...
Elaine: Im leaving.
Jerry: Where are you going?
Elaine: To Ravas house. Ive gotta pick up her manuscript.
Jerry: Oh wait. Ill go with you.
Jerry: Elaine, he Windexed the little peep hole!
Elaine: (to Rava) So, the meeting with Lippman is all set. Hes the editor-in-chief! I think because of your request-
Rava: Demand.
Elaine: They're going to promote me to editor.
Rava: Daantotin. (There is a sound of the front door being unlocked.) Theres Ray... late as usual.
Ray: Well, this is an unexpected surprise and delight! The once and future king of comedy, Jerry the First, gracing our humble abode. Rava, were in the presence of royalty.
Jerry: Hey, Ray, listen, you really did a tremendous job cleaning that apartment.
Ray: But I didnt just clean your apartment. It was a ritual, a ceremony, a celebration of life.
Jerry: Shouldnt you be out on a ledge somewhere?
Rava: The water is boiling. Are you having tea?
Elaine & Ray: Yes.
Elaine: Jerry? Jerry!
Jerry: What?
Rava: (from the kitchen) Ray, would you give me a hand?
Ray: Yeah, Im coming!
Jerry: I think that's the statue from my house. That looks like the statue from my house!
Elaine: What statue?
Jerry: I had a statue!
Elaine: You have a statue? I never saw a statue.
Jerry: My grandfather gave me a statue!
Elaine: Since when?
Jerry: Whats the difference?! That's the one! He ripped me off! This guy ripped me off!
Ray: Do you take sugar?
Jerry & Elaine: Uhh... no.
Jerry: I cant believe it! This guy ripped me off!
Elaine: Do you realize what you're saying?
Jerry: Yes! This guy ripped me off! He stole that statue right out of my house!
Ray: Lemon?
Jerry & Elaine: Uh... sure/yeah..
Elaine: Are you sure?
Jerry: Pretty sure! Ninety-nine percent sure.
Elaine: Ninety-nine percent sure?!
Ray: Ah, sweet elixir. Its fragrant nectar a soothing balm for the soul.
Rava: Ah those are the pastries, Ray take care of that, I'm going to get Elaine the manuscript.
Ray: Ah, the pastries!
Elaine: Maybe it just looks the same. Maybe its just a coincidence.
Jerry: Coincidence? This guys in my apartment and then, just by coincidence, he has the same exact statue in his apartment?
Elaine: I never saw the statue.
Jerry: I had a statue! What should I do?
Elaine: I dont know.
Jerry: Ill call Kramer. He can check my house.
Elaine: Oh Jerry, dont blow this for me.
Jerry: Dont worry. (whispering into the phone) Kramer! Kramer!... Its Jerry!... Jerry!... From next door!... Never mind where I am!... Yes, Jerry Seinfeld!...
Jerry: Ma, I told you, just dip the bread in the batter, and put in right in the pan... Okay, bye. (Jerry hangs up; to Rava) My mother. She forgot how to make French toast. You know how mothers are.
Rava: My mother left us when I was six years old. All seven of us. We never heard from her again. I hope shes rotting in an alley somewhere!
Jerry: My moms down in Florida. Shes got uh one of those condos. Hot down there in the summer. You ever been down there?
Ray: I love these pastries. You know, in Scandinavian mythology, the pastries were the food of the gods.
Jerry: Listen, uh I just remembered... Im... uh, getting a facial.
Elaine: Oh, see you tomorrow morning.
Ray: How about dinner?
Jerry: No, I dont eat dinner. Dinners for suckers.
Jerry: Uh huh... Yeah... Okay, thanks anyway... Bye.
Jerry: Nope, the cop says its my word against his. Theres nothing they can do.
Kramer: Lets go get him.
Jerry: Yeah, right.
George: We cant just let him get away with this.
Jerry: Do you realize how crazy he had to be to do something like this? He knew I was gonna know its missing, and he took it! And of all things to take! I left my watch, tape recorder, stereo. Hes crazy.
Kramer: You wanna go get him?
Elaine: Well, then, if hes crazy you should just forget it.
George: Forget it? I already called my parents. I told them to expect the surprise of a lifetime. My mothers making her roasted potatoes!
Elaine: George, do you realize that Rava has asked me to edit her book?
George: Who is this Rava?
Kramer: I say we get him.
Elaine: No!
George: Let me just call him.
Jerry: Ill call him. (Jerry picks up the cordless phone. He points to the rotary phone on the coffee table. Kramer, George, and Elaine struggle for it.) Hello, Ray?... Hi, Ray, this is Ravas friend, Elaines friend, Jerry... The King of Comedy, right. Listen, you know that statue on your mantle, the one with the blue lady? (He covers the reciever and yells at Kramer and George.) Would you shut up?! (to the phone) Yeah, you dont want to talk about it over the phone?.. You dont want Rava to hear?... Yeah, I understand... You know that coffee shop near my house, Monks?... All right, tomorrow... One o clock... Great, okay, bye.
Elaine: All right, look, look, look. Lets say he stole it.
George: Oh, he stole it!
Elaine: Cmon, you cant do anything about it. The cops wont do anything. What, are you going to fight him? Why dont you just forget it?
Jerry & George: No.
George: I thought you said one oclock.
Jerry: Relax, hes late. Hes always late. Its part of his M.O.
George: Remember, dont take any crap.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah. Dont worry about it.
George: Ill be right here.
Jerry: That's comforting. Shh. Hes coming. (to Ray) Ray?
Ray: Oh, Jerry. I cant believe you asked me about that statue. Do you know how much trouble you couldve got me into?
Jerry: Well, I didnt...
Ray: Rava was standing right next to me. I never told her where I got the statue.
George: (muttering to himself) I wonder why.
Jerry: Well, just give it back, and I wont say anything.
Ray: Give it back?
Jerry: Yeah.
Ray: What are you talking about?
Jerry: What are you talking about?
George: What is he talking about?
Ray: Im talking about the statue.
Jerry: Yeah, me too.
Ray: Give it back to whom?
Jerry: Me.
George: Yeah, him.
Ray: You?
Jerry: Yeah. Me.
Ray: Im not getting this.
George: You already got it.
Jerry: Ray, I had a statue in my house. You were in my house and then I saw it in your house.
Ray: What are you saying?
Jerry: What am I saying?
George: Take a wild guess.
Ray: Are you saying I stole your statue?
George: What a mind.
Jerry: Well, I...
Ray: I cant believe what Im hearing.
Jerry: I cant believe what Im hearing.
George: I cant believe what Im hearing.
Ray: For your information, I got that statue in a pawn shop.
George: Pawn shop?
Jerry: A pawn shop?
Ray: Yes. In Chinatown with the money I earned cleaning peoples apartments.
George: Cleaning them out.
Jerry: Oh, excuse me... Look, Ray, you were the only person in my house.
Ray: Whats behind this? Its Rava, isn't it?
George: Again with the Rava.
Ray: You want her.
Jerry: No, shes a little too cheery for me.
Ray: Shes from Finland, for crying out loud. Finland! Do you understand?!
Jerry: I know Finland. They're neutral.
Ray: Is it me? Do I rub you the wrong way?
Jerry: No, I actually find you quite charming. A bit verbose at times...
George: Oh, I find you so charming. You wuss.
Jerry: (to George) Did you call me a wuss?
Ray: What did you say?
Jerry: I said luss. Im at a luss.
Ray: I would just love to take you down to the shop where I got it.
Jerry: That's not necessary. (George slams his menu down on the table repeatedly.) You know, maybe its not that bad an idea.
Ray: And I would love to. Nothing would please me more. But, unfortunately, the guy retired and moved to Singapore.
George: Singapore?! Do you hear this?
Ray: If you really want, maybe I can contact the guy in Singapore and have him make a photostat of the receipt and send it over.
George: That's it! That's it! I cant take it. I cant take it anymore! You stole the statue! You're a theif! You're a liar!
Jerry: George...
Ray: Who is this?
George: Im the judge and the jury, pal. And the verdict is guilty!
Ray: Whats going on here?
George: GUILTY!
Ray: Your friend is crazy.
George: Oh, Im crazy!
Jerry: George, george...
Ray: Ive got to get going. I have a class.
George: Oh ho! Class, huh? At Columbia? Let me tell you something, pal. I called the registrars office. I checked you out. They have no record of a Ray Thomas at that school! You liar!
Ray: Well, that's because Im registered under my full legal name, Raymond Thomas Wochinski. Ray Thomas is my professional name.
George: You mean alias.
Ray: You are starting to make me angry!
George: Well, that was bound to happen.
Ray: (to Jerry) I hope you think about what you've done here today. And if you want to call and apologize, you know where to reach me.
Jerry: Hey, Ray.
Ray: Yes?
Jerry: How did you get the goop out of the top of the dishwashing liquid? It was like a brand-new nozzle!
Elaine: Nervous?
Rava: Why should I be?
Elaine: Yeah. Right.
Rava: Your notes are very insightful.
Elaine: The book is great. Did you go out last night?
Rava: No. We made love on the floor like two animals. Ray is insatiable.
Elaine: They all are.
Rava: Was Jerry?
Elaine: I cant remember.
Rava: You know, Ray is very upset over these accusations.
Elaine: Oh, well, Im staying out of this one. This is between them. I am not getting involved.
Rava: So you think he stole it?!
Elaine: Well, you have to admit... the circumstantial evidence...
Rava: I admit nothing!
Man: Will you put that cigarette out, please?
Elaine: Well, I mean, he was in the apartment, and then its gone and its in your apartment.
Rava: Maybe you think were in cahoots.
Elaine: No, no. But it is quite a coincidence.
Rava: Yes, that's all a coincidence!
Elaine: A big coincidence.
Rava: Not a big coincidence. A coincidence!
Elaine: No, that's a big coincidence.
Rava: That's what a coincidence is! There are no small coincidences and big coincidences!
Elaine: No, there are degrees of coincidences.
Rava: No, there are only coincidences! Ask anyone!
Rava: Are there big coincidences and small coincidences, or just coincidences? Well?! Well?!
Man: Will you put that cigarette out?!
Rava: Maybe I put it out on your face! (To Elaine) Its just like Ray said. You and Jerry are jealous of our love. You're trying to destroy us.
Elaine: Shouldnt you be out on a ledge somewhere?
George: Ma, will you stop?... Its just a statue!... How is it my fault?!... It was stolen. I didnt even touch it this time... Okay, fine... I dont see why this should affect to potatoes!... Okay... Goodbye. (George hangs up.) She doesnt react to disappointment very well. Unlike me.
Kramer: Im not happy about this.
Elaine: Why dont we just throw a Molotov cocktail through their window?
George: Theres just no justice. This experience has changed me. Its made me more cynical, more bitter, more jaded.
Jerry: Really?
George: (casually) Sure, why not.
Elaine: Well, how do you think I feel? Instead of editing the first novel of a major young writing talent, I am proofreading a food allergy cookbook.
Jerry: Cant you talk to your boss?
Elaine: I did. He loves Rava. Worse, he loves Ray. And he didn't think you're funny at all.
Kramer: (talking to himself) Im not happy about this.
Jerry: Well, perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge that in the next world, Ray will be the recipient of a much larger and more harsh brand of justice..
George: Yeah, hell have my parents.
Kramer: (from the other side of the door) Police! Open up!
Ray: Police?
Kramer: Freeze, mother!
Ray: Hey.
Kramer: Shut up. Spread em. I said spread em! (looks around) You're in big trouble son. Burglary, grand larceny, possession of stolen goods... and uh, uh... murder.
Ray: Murder?!
Kramer: Shut up! Keep em spread! Just make love to that wall, pervert!
Ray: I think you have me confused with somebody else.
Kramer: Is your name Ray?
Ray: Yeah.
Kramer: Yeah, you're the punk Im looking for!
Ray: Hey, hey, are you a cop?
Kramer: Yeah, Im a cop. Im a good cop. Im a damn good cop! (On that line, Kramer points to Ray, and Ray turns back to the wall. Kramer heads for the door.) Todays your lucky day, junior, cause Im gonna let you off with a warning. Any more of this criminal activity, and you'll be sorry. You got me?
Ray: Got you? I dont even know what the hell you're talking about.
Kramer: Good, good. Lets uh keep it that way.
Jerry: All right, all right. Whats the big hubbub, bub?
George: Kramer, I cant believe it. Oh, you're my hero!
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: Kramer, what did you do?
Kramer: Well, lets just say I didnt take him to Peoples Court.
George: I feel like a huge weights been lifted off my shoulders. I... I... I feel happy! Kramer, I dont know how to thank you!
Kramer: Well, Ill think of something.
Jerry: People are going to steal from you. You cant stop them. But, everybody has their own little personal security things. Things that they think will foil the crooks, you know? In your own mind, right? You go to the beach, go in the water, put your wallet in the sneaker, whos gonna know? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security? I tied a bow. They cant get through that. I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. They never look there. They check the heel, they move on.


Jerry: Whenever I see the news and they're hauling in some kind of terrorist, psycho, maniac, mass murderer guy. You notice he's always covering up his face with the newspaper, with the jacket, with the hat. What is he worried about? I mean what is this man's reputation? That he has to worry about this kind of exposure damaging his good name? I mean, what is he up for a big job promotion down at the office or something? Afraid the boss is gonna catch this on TV and go "isn't that Johnson from sales? He's up in that clock tower picking people off one by one. I don't know if that's that kind of man we want heading up that new branch office. He should be in bill collection. I think he's got aptitude."
Levitan: (on the phone) Ha ha, she was great. You don't want to know. Hey Breaky, remind me to tell you what we did in Lake George. (laughing) Get this...I got it all on video. (laughing)
George: That's it. This is it. I'm done. Through. It's over. I'm gone. Finished. Over. I will never work for you again. Look at you. (laughing) You think you're an important man? Is that what you think? You are a laughingstock. You are a joke. These people are laughing at you. You're nothing! You have no brains, no ability, nothing! (knocking object over on desk) I quit!
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Boy, I have really had it with Newman. He wakes me up again last night at three o'clock in the morning to tell me he's going up onto the roof to kill himself.
Jerry: Well, what'd you say?
Kramer: I said " Jump." Well, he's been threatening to do this for years. I said " Look, if you're gonna kill yourself do it already and stop bothering me." At least I'd respect the guy for accomplishing something.
Jerry: What's his problem?
Kramer: No job. No women.
Jerry: He called the right guy.
Kramer: Well, what am I supposed to tell him? How much there is for him to live for? Why should I lie to him?
Jerry: All right, I'm leaving. I going to the laundry.
Kramer: Why don't you use the machines down in the basement?
Jerry: Fluff and Fold. The only way to live. (snapping fingers in tune with words) I drop it off. I pick it up. It's a delight.
Kramer: How 'bout if I put a few things -
Jerry: Wait a sec. I don't wanna do -
Kramer: Well, you're going over there.
Jerry: I don't wanna mix in everything! My guys don't know your guys. You can't just lock 'em all in the same machine together. They'll start a riot.
Kramer: Have you ever met my guys?
Jerry: No. I can't say as I have.
Kramer: Well!
Jerry: All right. Put 'em on top.
Kramer: Ah!
Jerry: Oh, beautiful.
Jerry: This stuff on top is my friends. Could I get it done in a separate machine?
Vic: I'll have to charge you for another machine.
Jerry: Whatever it costs. In fact, I would prefer it if the machines are not even touching each other. Because something could, you know, jump across.
George: Guess what.
Jerry: How did you know I was here?
George: Kramer. Guess what.
Jerry: I don't know.
George: I quit my job.
Jerry: Get outta here.
George: I couldn't take it anymore.
Vic: You can have this on Monday. (hands Jerry a ticket)
Jerry: What happened? Levitan?
George: I go in to use his private bathroom, everybody uses it, and then I get a memo - a memo - telling me to use the men's room in the hall. Well, (laughing) I mean we share it with Pace Electronics. It's disgusting!
Jerry: You and your toilets.
George: I snapped! It was the last straw. (sighs)
Jerry: So, what are you gonna do now? Are you gonna look for something else in real estate?
George: Nobody's hiring now. The market's terrible.
Jerry: So what are you gonna do?
George: I like sports. I could do something in sports.
Jerry: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity?
George: You know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something.
Jerry: Yeah. Well, that - that could be tough to get.
George: Well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager. Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a color man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
George: What about that?
Jerry: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.
George: Well, that's really not fair.
Jerry: I know. Well, okay. Okay. What else do ya like?
George: Movies. I like to watch movies.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah.
George: Do they pay people to watch movies?
Jerry: Projectionists.
George: That's true.
Jerry: But you gotta know how to work the projector.
George: Right.
Jerry: And it's probably a union thing.
George: (scoffs) Those unions. (sighs) Okay. Sports,...movies. What about a talk show host?
Jerry: Talk show host. That's good.
George: I think I'd be good at that. I talk to people all the time. Someone even told me once they thought I'd be a good talk show host.
Jerry: Really?
George: Yeah. A couple of people. I don't get that, though. Where do you start?
Jerry: Well, that's where it gets tricky.
George: You can't just walk into a building and say " I wanna be a talk show host."
Jerry: I wouldn't think so.
George: It's all politics.
Jerry: All right. Okay. Sports, movies, talk show host. What else?
George: This could have been a huge mistake.
Jerry: Well, it doesn't sound like you completely thought this through.
George: (sighs) Guess not. What should I do?
Jerry: Maybe you can just go back.
George: Go back?
Jerry: Yeah. Pretend like it never happened.
George: You mean just walk into the staff meeting on Monday morning like it never happened?
Jerry: Sure. You're an emotional person. People don't take you seriously.
George: Just..go back. Pretend the whole thing never happened.
Jerry: Never happened.
George: I was just blowin' off a little steam. So what?
Jerry: So what? You're entitled.
George: I'm emotional.
Jerry: That's right. You're emotional.
George: Never happened.
Jerry: Never happened.
Jerry: To me the most annoying thing about the couple of times that I did work in an office. Is that when you go in, in the morning you say Hi to everyone and for some reason throughout the day you have to continue to greet these people all day every time you see them. I mean you walk in "morning Bill, morning Bob, how you doing? fine" Ten minutes later you see him in the hall, "How ya doin'?" Every time you pass you gotta come up with another little greeting. You know you start racking your brains you know you do the little eyebrow "Hey" You start coming up with nicknames for them. "Jimbo."
George: How ya doin'?
Glenda: What are you doing here?
George: What? I work here.
Glenda: I thought you quit.
George: What quit? (laughing) Who quit?
Dan: Bill, how was your weekend?
Bill: Oh, excellent weekend. What about your weekend?
Dan: Fine weekend.
George: Yeah. Good weekend.
Dan: Went up to the Cape. Took the kids sailing. (laughing) Lisa was a little scared at first, but that kids' gonna be a good sailor someday.
George: Aw, she's gonna be a fine sailor.
Levitan: Ava, what happened to you Friday afternoon?
Ava: Oh, I got a little tied up.
Levitan: I'll bet you did.
Levitan: I wanna remind everyone that the tenth anniversary party for Rick Barr Properties is gonna be Wednesday afternoon at four o'clock in Lasky's Bar, on Madison 48th. I want all of you to be there. This really means a lot to me. Is that Costanza over there? What are you doing here?
George: What?
Levitan: Am I crazy, or didn't you quit?
George: When?
Levitan: Friday.
George: Oh, what? What? That? Are you kidding? I didn't quit. What? You took that seriously?
Levitan: You mean, laughingstock? All that stuff?
George: Come on. Will you stop it.
Levitan: No brains? No ability?
George: Teasing.
Levitan: Okay. I want you outta here.
George: I don't know where you're getting this from. I...you're serious aren't you? Oh, (laughing) you see? You see, you just don't know my sense of humor. Dan, don't I joke around all the time?
Dan: I wouldn't say all the time.
Levitan: You can't win. You can't beat me. That's why I'm here and you're there. Because I'm a winner. I'll always be a winner and you'll always be a loser.
George: " I'll always be a winner and you'll always be a loser." This is what he said to me.
Jerry: Well, so that's that.
George: No. That's not that.
Jerry: That's not that?
George: No.
Jerry: Well, if that's not that, what is that?
George: I've got some plans. I got plans.
Jerry: What kind of plans?
George: What's the difference?
Jerry: You don't wanna tell me?
George: I'm gonna slip him a mickey.
Jerry: What? In his drink? Are you outta your mind? What are you Peter Lorre?
George: You don't understand. He's got this big party coming up. He's been looking forward to this for months. This is gonna destroy the whole thing.
Jerry: What if you destroy him?
George: No. No. No. No. No. Don't worry. It's perfectly safe. I researched it. He'll get a little woozy. He might keel over.
Jerry: Well, wha - what does that do? Big deal.
George: This is what they would do in the movies! It's a beautiful thing! It's like a movie! I'm gonna slip him a mickey!
Jerry: You've really gone mental.
George: Nah.
Jerry: Where are you gonna get this mickey? I can't believe I'm saying "mickey"!
George: I got a source.
Jerry: You got a mickey source?
George: And Elaine is gonna keep him busy.
Jerry: Elaine? How did you rope her into this?
George: I told her what a sexist he is. How he cheats on his wife.
Jerry: She knew that.
George: But she didn't know he doesn't recycle.
Jerry: What is the point of all this?
George: Revenge.
Jerry: Oh, the best revenge is living well.
George: There's no chance of that.
Jerry: Did you get your laundry?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: What's with you?
Kramer: He jumped.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Yeah. Newman jumped.
Jerry: Did he call you last night?
Kramer: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Jerry: What did you say?
Kramer: I said " Wave to me when you pass my window."
Jerry: Whew. Did he wave?
Kramer: No! He jumped from the second floor. Mr. Papanickolous saw him from across the street. He's lying out there faking. See, he's trying to get back at me.
Jerry: (realizing something) Oh, my god!
Kramer: What's the matter?
Jerry: (tearing through his laundry bag) Well, on Thursday when I came home I had $1500 on me. For some reason I decided to hide it in my laundry bag and then I completely forgot about it...and then I took the laundry in on Friday! Oh, come on, let's go.
Kramer: Where? Where?
Jerry: To the Laundromat.
Vic: I never saw it.
Kramer: Okay. Come on. Give the guy his money. What - what are you doing?
Vic: Hey, you see that sign right there? (Points to a sign saying "Not Responsible for Valuables"
Jerry: Oh, I see. So, you put up a sign so you can do whatever you want? You're not a part of society.
Vic: Yea that's right, 'cuz this place is my country and I'm the president, and that's my constitution. I'm not responsible.
Jerry: So, anybody leaves anything here, you can just take it? You have a license to steal? You are like the James Bond of laundry?
Vic: You ever hear of a bank?
Jerry: Come on. Let's go.
Kramer: No. You can't let him get away with this.
Elaine: Which one is he?
George: That's him over there. The one that looks like a blowfish.
Elaine: Oh, yeah. I see him.
George: Yeah. Hey, thanks for doing this.
Elaine: Why pass up the opportunity to go to prison?
George: This is by far the most exciting thing I've ever done.
Elaine: Yeah. It is kind of cool.
George: First time in my life I've ever gotten back at someone.
Elaine: I can't believe we're doing this. This is the kind of thing they do in the movies.
George: That's exactly what I told Jerry!
Elaine: Really?
George: Yes! (both laugh) God, I've never felt so alive!
Jerry: Maybe we should call this off.
Kramer: Come on. What's the big deal? Just gonna put a little concrete in the washing machine.
Jerry: And what's gonna happen?
Kramer: Well, it'll gonna mix up with the water, and then by the end of the cycle it'll be a solid block!
Jerry: If only you could put your mind to something worthwhile. You're like Lex Luthor.
Kramer: You keep him busy.
Kramer: Whoa!
George: You go over there -
Elaine: Yeah.
George: You start flirting with him and I'll come by and, while you're keeping him busy, I'll slip it in his drink.
Elaine: Wouldn't it be easier just to punch him in the mouth?
Levitan: Come on! They're terrible. They got no infield.
Elaine: Oops! (bumps into Levitan) 'Scuse me.
Levitan: Yeah.
Greeny: I'm gonna get some food. You want some?
Levitan: Nah.
Elaine: Hi.
Levitan: Hi.
Elaine: (sneezes)
Levitan: God bless you.
Elaine: Oh! Thank you. Thank you very much. (blowing nose) Really. I mean that. I am not one of those people who give insincere thank you's. No sir. No sir. When I thank someone I really thank them. So, thank... yoooou!
Levitan: (confused) You're welcome.
Elaine: People don't say " God bless you " as much as they used to. Have you noticed that?
Levitan: No.
Elaine: (having trouble getting him to pay attention) So, I'm going to a nudist colony next week.
Levitan: (interested) Nudist colony?
Elaine: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love nudist colonies. They help me..unwind. Aah!
Levitan: (laughing) I'd never been to a nudist colony.
Elaine: Oh, really? Oh, you should go. They're great. They're great. Of course, when it's over, it's - it's hard to get used to all this clothing, you know. So, a lot of times, I'll just lock the door to my office and I'll just sit there naked.
Levitan: Seriously?
Elaine: Oh, yeah. I usually work naked a...couple hours a day.
George: (whispering) Glenda, can I ask you a favor? Can I have this seat?
Glenda: (loud) What do you have to sit here for? There are plenty of other seats.
George: (whispering) I can't explain. It's very important that I sit here.
Glenda: (loud) What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were fired.
George: (whispering angrily) Okay. Okay. Fine.
Elaine: I cook naked, I clean...I clean naked, I drive naked. Naked. Naked. Naked.
Levitan: Who are you?
Elaine: Oh, you don't wanna know, mistah. I'm trouble. Big trouble.
Jerry: (trying to divert Vic's attention) What about the gentle cycle? You ever use that?
Jerry: Do you think it's effeminate for a man to put clothes in a gentle cycle?
Jerry: What about fine fabrics? How do you deal with that kind of temperament?
Jerry: What about stone washing? You ever witness one of those? That must be something. What? Do they just pummel the jeans with rocks?
Kramer: I didn't realize it was a full box.
George: (trying again with Glenda) I'm gonna count to three. If you don't give up the chair, the wig is coming off.
Glenda: I don't' wear a wig.
George: One... (Glenda seeing George is serious; gets up and leaves)
Elaine: No. No. No. No. No. I don't really have a phone. In fact, I - I really don't have an apartment. I kinda sleep around.
Elaine: I just like to have and few drinks and just let the guy do whatever he wants. Would you close your eyes for a second? I wanna tell you a secret about my bra.
George: Hello, Rick.
Levitan: Heh heh heh hey! Look who's here!
George: That's right, Ricky Boy, it's me!
Levitan: You know something, Costanza? I'm a very lucky man.
George: Oh!
Levitan: I've always been lucky. Things just seem to fall right in my lap.
George: Boom!
Levitan: You wouldn't believe it if I told you. In fact, uh, I'm glad you're here. You know, maybe I've been a little rough on ya, huh?
George: Oh.
Levitan: Why should we let petty, personal differences get in the way of business? I, uh, I want you to come back. (George is shocked) You can use my bathroom anytime you want.
George: You want me to come back? Uh...
Levitan: Hey! How about a toast, huh? Everybody, a toast!
George: Rick.
Levitan: Everyone, I wanna propose a toast to ten great years at Rick Barr Properties.
George: Uh, Rick..
Levitan: And all the people in this room, (clears throat) that made that possible..
George: Rick.
Levitan: I'd also like to welcome back into the fold our..our little shrimpy friend, George Costanza who, although he didn't really have a very good year - how you blew that McConnell deal, I'll never know. But, hey, what the hell, huh? We've always enjoyed his antics around the office. Heh heh. Anything you wanna add to this?
George: Drink up. (Levitan takes a drink)
George: I like history. Civil War. Maybe I could be a professor, or something.
Elaine: Well, to teach something you really have to know a lot about it. I think you need a degree.
Jerry: Yeah. That's true.
Kramer: (seeing Jerry is with people) Oh.
Jerry: What? (Kramer hands Jerry an envelope) My God, the money! The 1500! Where'd you find it?
Kramer: It was in my laundry.
Jerry: In your laundry the whole time? I told you not to mix in our guys. What did we figure the damage on that machine would be?
Kramer: It was about 1200 bucks.
Newman: Kramer!
Kramer: Oh! That's Newman. (goes over to the window)
Newman: I'm on the roof!
Kramer: (yelling up) Well, what are you waiting for?
Jerry: Elaine, come on, take a walk with me down to the Laundromat. I gotta pay this guy the money..
George: (talking to nobody) I like horses. Maybe I could be a stable boy.
Kramer: You wanna shoot some pool tonight?
Newman: I can't. I'm goin' to a movie.
George: (talking to nobody) Nah. It's probably a union thing.
Jerry: People like the idea of revenge. Have you ever heard the expression 'The best revenge is living well' I've said this, in other words it means supposedly the best way to get back at someone is just by being happy and successful in your own life. Sounds nice, doesn't really work on that Charles Bronson. kinda level. You know what I mean, those movies where his whole family gets wiped out by some street scum. You think you could go up to him, 'Charlie forgot about the 357 what you need is a custom-made suit and a convertible. New carpeting, french doors, a divan. That'll show those punks.'


[Setting: Night club]
Jerry: You know, I tell ya, I gotta say that I'm enjoying adulthood. For a lot of reasons. And, I'll tell you reason number one as an adult, if I want a cookie, I have a cookie, okay? I have three cookies or four cookies, or eleven cookies if I want. Many times I will intentionally ruin my entire appetite. Just ruin it. And then, I call my mother up right after to tell her that I did it. "Hello, Mom? yeah, I just ruined my entire appetite.. cookies." So what if you ruin.. See, because as an adult, we understand even if you ruin an appetite, there's another appetite coming right behind it. There's no danger in running out of appetites. I've got millions of them, I'll ruin them whenever I want!
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Tv Voice: (Germanic) Look, Sigmund. Look in the sky. The planets are on fire. It is just as you prophesied. The planets of our solar system, incinerating. Like flaming globes, Sigmund. Like flaming globes.. Ah, ha, ha, ha..
[Setting: Jerry's bedroom]
[Setting: Coffee shop]
Elaine: What do you got, a cucumber?
George: Yeah, so what?
Elaine: You're bringing in an ouside cucumber?
George: They refuse to put cucumber in the salad. I need cucumber.
Jerry: (Trying to read the note) What have I done? I can't read this! Ful-hel-mo-nen-ter-val? I got up last night, I wrote this down, I thought I had this great bit.
Elaine: No. Let me see that. (Takes the paper from Jerry) Don't-mess-with-Johnny."
Jerry: Johnny? Johnny who? Johnny Carson? Did I insult Johnny on The Tonight Show?
Elaine: (Joking) Did you mess with Johnny, Jerry?
George: Let me see that. (Studies the note)
Elaine: Hey, where's Kramer?
Jerry: I don't know. That's like asking "Where's Waldo?"
George: (Still holding the note) I think I'm having a heart attack.
Jerry: I don't think that's it.
George: I'm not kidding.
Jerry: What does that mean?
Elaine: I think what he's trying to say is that he's having a heart attack.
Jerry: Oh, he's having a heart attack.
George: Tightness..
Jerry: C'mon.
George: Shortness of breath..
Jerry: Oh, this is ridiculous.
George: Radiating waves of pain..
Jerry: I know what this is. You saw that show on PBS last night, Coronary Country. (To Elaine) I saw it in the TV Guide. I called him and told him to make sure and not watch it.
George: There was nothing else on. Oh, the left arm.. the left arm.
Jerry: (To Elaine) He saw that show on anorexia last year, and ate like an animal for two weeks.
George: Why can't I have a heart attack? I'm allowed.
Jerry: So what do you want? You want me take you to the hospital?
George: Manhattan Memorial, less of a line.
Jerry: I'll call an ambulance. (Exits)
Waitress: Is everything alright?
George: We'll just take a check. (She leaves the check. George, in all his cheapness, can't help but to review the check. He finds an error) You made a mistake on the..
Elaine: George!
[Setting: Hospital room]
Man: Ooohhh... Argghhh..
George: Are.. are you okay?
Man: Ooooooohhh..
George: I'm George.. George Costanza.. I've never been in the hospital a day in my life.. except when I had my tonsils out. You know, they never gave me any ice cream. I always felt that-
Man: Shut up!
Jerry: Well? What do you think?
Nurse 1: "Salami, salami, bologna." Definitely.
Jerry: "Salami salami bologna"?
Doctor: (In a hurry) Oh, your friend's fine. He didn't have a heart attack. I'll be in - in a few minutes.
Jerry: (Sarcastic) What a surprise. (Enters George's room overly sympathetic - leading George to think that the Doctor told Jerry something significant) Hey, how ya doin' buddy? You need anything? Do you want me to go out and get you a Superman comic?
George: No, no thanks.
Jerry: (Still going along with the practical joke) You know, I was wondering.. You know that Black Hawks jacket you have?
George: Oh, sure, my Black Hawks jacket. I love my Black Hawks jacket.
Jerry: Well, you know, I was thinking - if things don't exactly work out..
George: Well, it wouldn't fit you. The sleeves are too short.
Jerry: No, I tried it on. It fits good.
George: Well, I didn't really think about what I was gonna do with all..
Jerry: Well, you know..
George: (Reluctantly) Well, okay.
Jerry: Oh, and.. do you think it would be alright if I called Susan Davis?
George: Susan Davis? (Getting possessive) Hey, wait a second..
Jerry: Well, it's not like we'd be bumping into you.
George: I don't know.. you and Susan Davis?
Jerry: You know, if your future was a little more certain..
George: Okay, go ahead. Call her, get married, have babies, have a great life.. What do I care? I'm finished. (Really depressed) It's all over for me. In fact, let's end it right now. Jerry, kill me, kill me now. I'm begging you. Let's just get it over with. Be a pal.. Just take the pillow and put it over my face.
Jerry: Well, ah.. (Takes his pillow) What? Kind of like this? (Violently smothers George with the pillow. George freaks out. He didn't think Jerry would actually do it)
George: What are ya doing?! Whadya, crazy?!
Elaine: Jerry!
Jerry: (Acts like he was cought red-handed) Elaine, what are you doing here? (Takes the pillow off George, and puts it back on his bed)
George: (To Jerry) Jerk off.
Jerry: (Whispering) There's nothing wrong with him. I saw the doctor. He's fine.
Elaine: Hi, George. How ya feeling? Is anybody getting your apartment?
George: I'll tell ya, if I ever get out of here, I'm gonna change my life. I'm gonna do a whole Zen thing. Take up yoga, meditate.. I'll eat right. Calm down, lose my anger.. (Sees Jerry and Elaine aren't listening. He snaps) Hey, is anybody listening?!
Doctor: (To Elaine) Uh, hello. (To George) Uh, Mr. Costanza?
George: (Panicky) Uh, yeah. You know, Doctor, I gotta tell you, I feel a lot better.
Doctor: Well, we looked at your EKG's, ran some tests, did a complete work-up.
George: (Getting in a more panicked state) Oh God, Mommy!
Doctor: And you simply haven't had a heart attack.
George: (Relieved) I haven't? I'm okay? I'm okay? Oh, thank you, thank you, Doctor! I don't know how to thank you.
Jerry: (Sarcastic) Hey, that was really fun, George. Can we go home now?
Doctor: No, actually, we'd like to keep him here overnight for observation, just to be safe.
George: Oh, sure. Sure, anything. Can you believe it? There's nothing wrong with me.
Doctor: Well, I wouldn't go that far.
George: (Starting to panic again) What? Oh my God. What? Is it meningitis? Scoliosis? Lupis?! Is it Lupis?!
Doctor: Have you ever had your tonsils taken out?
George: My tonsils? Yeah, when I was a kid.
Doctor: Well, they've grown back. Your adenoids are swollen too.
George: Really?
Elaine: (Jokingly hits the doctor) Whose tonsils grow back? (Laughs)
Doctor: It happens.
Jerry: Yeah, if you've been exposed to gamma rays.
Elaine: I still have my tonsils. Everyone in my family has their tonsils. In fact, we were forbidden to socialize with anyone who didn't have their tonsils.
Doctor: That's interesting. Because, no one in my family has their tonsils, and we were forbidden to socialize with tonsil people.
Jerry: (Sarcastically) Well, it's like the Capulets and the Montagues.
George: (Drawing attention back to him) Excuse me!
Doctor: Anyway, I strongly recommend they come out.
George: What? You mean with a knife?
Doctor: Yes. With a knife. You know, snip, snip. Anyway, you'd be completely under, you wouldn't feel a thing. And when you wake up, you can have some ice cream.
George: (Angry) Yeah, that's what they told me the last time.
Doctor: Think about it. (Turns to leave, but runs into Elaine) Excuse me.
Elaine: (Flustered) Oh, I'm sorry. (Doctor exits) I just.. have to ask that doctor one more question. (Leaves)
Jerry: Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body.. we just want the body.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Boy, they got a great cafeteria downstairs. Hot food, sandwiches, a salad bar.. It's like a Sizzler's opened up a hospital! (Sits and starts eating) So, how did you have a heart attack? You're a young man. What were you doing? Are they gonna do a zipper job? Oh, they love to do zipper jobs.
Jerry: (Trying to shut him up) Kramer.
Kramer: The really bad thing about the heart is the sex thing. See, you gotta be careful about sex now. You get that heart pumping and suddenly, boom! Next thing you know, you got a hose coming out of your chest attached to a piece of luggage.
Jerry: Kramer, George didn't have a heart attack.
Kramer: No? That's good.
George: I have to have my tonsils taken out.
Kramer: Oh man.. No.. George, we gotta get you outta here. Get out! Right now! They'll kill ya in here.
Jerry: (Trying to calm George down) It's routine surgery.
Kramer: Oh yeah? My friend, Bob Saccomanno, he came in here for a hernia operation.. Oh yeah, routine surgery.. now he's sittin' around in a chair by a window going, "My name is Bob" .. George, whatever you do, don't let 'em cut you. Don't let 'em cut you..
George: Well, what should I do, Kramer?
Jerry: Well, for one think, don't listen to him.
Kramer: I'll tell you what to do, I'll tell you what to do. You go to Tor Eckman. Tor, Tor, he'll fix you right up. He's a herbalist, a healer, George. He's not just gonna fix the tonsils and the adenoids, he is gonna change the whole way you function - body and mind.
Jerry: Eckman? I thought he was doing time?
Kramer: No, no, he's out. He got out. See, the medical establishment, see, they tried to frame him. It's all politics. But he's a rebel.
Jerry: A rebel? No. Johnny Yuma was a rebel. Eckman is a nut. George, you want to take care of your tonsils, you do it in a hospital. With a doctor.
Kramer: He's holistic, George. He's holistic.
George: Holistic.. that sounds right.
Jerry: George, you need a medical doctor.
George: (To Jerry) Let me ask you something.. How much do you think it would cost to have tonsils and adenoids removed in the hospital?
Jerry: Well, an overnight stay in a hospital? Minor surgery? I dunno, four grand.
George: Uh-huh. And how much does the healer charge?
Kramer: First visit? Thirty-eight bucks.
George: Oh, yeah? Holistic.. that's what I need. That's the answer.
[Setting: Healer's apartment]
George: So, how do you like the way I talked you into comin' down here?
Jerry: Don't flatter yourself, my friend. I'm here strictly for material, and I have a feeling this is a potential gold mine.. I still think you're nuts, though.
George: All I know is I've been going to doctors all my life. What has it gotten me? I'm thirty-three years old. I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I've never had a normal, medium orgasm.
Jerry: (Jokingly making fun of George) I've never had a really good pickle.
George: Besides, what's it gonna cost me? Thirty-eight bucks?
Tor: (To Jerry) Would you not put your foot on that please?
Jerry: Sorry.
Tor: What month were you born?
George: April.
Tor: You should have been born in August. Your parents would have been well-advised to wait.
George: Really?
Tor: Do you use hot water in the shower?
George: Yes.
Tor: Stop using it.
George: ..Okay.
Kramer: I'm off hot water.
Tor: Kramer tells me that you are interested in an alternative to surgery.
George: Yes, yes I am.
Tor: (Blows into George's face) I think we can help you. See, unfortunately, the medical establishment is a business like any other business. And business needs customers. And, they want to sell you their most expensive item which is unnecessary surgery.
George: (Still on the showers) Can I use hot water on my face?
Tor: No. You know, I am not a business man. I'm a holistic healer. It's a calling, it's a gift. You see, it's in the best interest of the medical profession that you remain sick. You see, that insures good business. You're not a patient. You're a customer.
Jerry: (He thinks this, the audience can hear his thoughts) And you're not a doctor, but you play one in real life.
George: (Still on the hot water) What about shaving?
Tor: (To Jerry) You're eating too much dairy. (To George) May I? (Reaches over, and touches George's face)
George: I guess so.
Tor: (Feeling George's face) You see, you are in disharmony. The throat is the gateway to the lung. Tonsillitis, adenoiditis, is, in Chinese medical terms, and invasion of heat and wind.
Jerry: (Again, we hear his thoughts) There's some hot air blowing in here..
Tor: You know, I lived with the Eskimos many years ago, and they used to plunge their faces into the snow.
George: (Once again, still on the shower) Could it be lukewarm?
Jerry: Too much dairy? You really think I'm eating too much dairy?
[Setting: Doctor's car]
Doctor: ..The tongue.. yes, the tongue.. or, in medical terms, the glossa. It's a muscular organ.. Consists of two parts.. the body, and the root.. You see, it's covered by this mucous membrane.. These little raised projections are the papillae, which give it that furry appearance. Very tactile..
Elaine: Uh-huh.
[Setting: Healer's apartment]
Tor: (Pouring tea) Your tea is ready now. This will solve your so-called tonsil problem. It's a special concoction. It contains crampbark.
Jerry: I love crampbark.
Tor: Cleavers.
Jerry: Cleaver, I once had cleaver as a kid. I was able to lift a car.
Tor: And some couchgrass.
Jerry: Couchgrass and crampbark? You know, I think that's what killed Curly.
Kramer: Go ahead, drink it, George.
Jerry: Excuse me, Tor. May I ask you a question? You have intuitive abilities. You're in touch with a lot of this cosmic kind of things.. I have this note I can't read. I was wondering if-
Tor: (Takes the note, then laughs when he reads it) Oh, yes.. yes.. "Cleveland 117, San Antonio 109.. (Hands note back to Jerry)
Kramer: Go ahead, drink it, George.
George: (Takes a sip) Hey, it's not too bad..
[Setting: Ambulance]
George: (In a state of hysteria) I'm an eggplant! I'm an eggplant! I'm a minstrel man!
Driver: (To Assistant) I didn't take your Chuckle, man!
Assistant: I had five Chuckles. I ate a green one, and the yellow one, and the red one is missing!
Driver: I don't even like Chuckles!
Jerry: (To Assistant) Maybe he doesn't like them. That's possible.
George: My face! My face! Get me to the hospital!
Assistant: I want that Chuckle! You hear me?!
Jerry: (To Assistant) I'll get you a Chuckle. You want me to get you a Chuckle?
Assistant: (Angry, to Driver) Pull over!
Driver: Pull over? Did you say pull over?! You want a piece of me?!
Assistant: Yeah!
Jerry: You're gonna fight?
George: Now?! I'm a mutant!
Kramer: (To Driver) Hey, let me drive.
Assistant: Come on, man. Pull over!
Driver: Alright! I'm gonna mess you up, man!
Jerry: (Pleading) Really, gentlemen, please.
George: My heart! My heart! (To Assistant) Where you going? Are you crazy?!
Assistant: I'm gonna kick his ass.
Kramer: (To Assistant) Hey, you have keys?
George: You can't leave! This is an ambulance! This is an emergency!
Jerry: All this for a Chuckle.
Kramer: What's a Chuckle?
Jerry: It's a jelly candy. it comes in five flavors.
[Setting: Doctor's car]
Doctor: You see, taste buds run on grooves along the surfaces.
Elaine: Can you let go of my tongue now?
Doctor: What?
Elaine: Let go of my tongue!
Doctor: (Lets go) Oh, sorry.
Elaine: Well, I should get going.. (The Doctor leans in for a kiss. Elaine stops him) What are you doing?
Doctor: I was going to kiss you good night.
Elaine: A kiss? With the tongue? The glossa with the bumps and the papillae? ..Yech, I don't think so. (Leaves)
[Setting: Ambulance]
Jerry: You just can't leave him out there.
Driver: I told him I was gonna mess him up.
Kramer: Well, can you call him an ambulance?
Driver: I told him I didn't take his Chuckle. I don't eat that gooey crap!
Kramer: hey, watch the road! Watch the road, man!
Driver: (Turns back, facing Kramer) Hey, man, you want some of what he got?!
Jerry And Kramer: Watch out!
[Setting: Hospital room]
Jerry: How ya doing? (George nods) Can't talk? (George shakes his head. Jerry gestures to his brace) Hey, how'd you get the plastic one? (George raises his eyebrows) I like that. (George sticks his tongue out) So how's life without tonsils? (George quickly indicates with his arm that he wants ice cream) What? What's that? ..So, how much is this thing gonna cost you now? Like, five, six thousand?.. (George signals that it's more) Well, live and learn.. at least we lived. Kramer went to Eckman.. He feels better alreadyy.. (George motions for ice cream again) What are you doing?
Elaine: Oh, poor George. Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't stay long. I don't want to run into Doctor Tongue.. Here, I brought you something. (Takes out a pint of ice cream. George gets excited) Oh, please, come on.. it was nothing.
Jerry: Hey, check the TV.
Tv Voice: (Germanic) It's just as you prophesied. The planets of our solar system, incinerating. Like flaming globes, Sigmond. Like flaming globes. Ah, ha, ha, ha..
Jerry: (Pulls the note out of his pocket) That's it! That's it! Flaming globes of Sigmond! Flaming Globes of Sigmond! That's my note! tha'ts what I thought was so funny?! ..That's not funny.. There's nothing funny about that.
Man In Neighboring Bed: Shut up!
Man: Aaahhhgggg!
[Setting: Night club]
Jerry: I have a friend who's a hypochondriac, always thinks he's sick - never is. And they, you have another type of person, always thinks they're well, not matter how bad they really are. You know this type of person? Very annoying. "Feel great.. like being on the respirator.. intravenous heart/lung machine. I never felt better in my life." Medical science is making advances every day in control health problems. In fact, it's probably only a matter of time before a heart attack, you know, becomes like, a head ache. We'll just see people on TV going, "I had a heart attack this big (Holds out hands, gesturing bigness) ..but, I gave myself one of these. Clear! (Puts imaginary electrode panels to his chest) Brrhht.. and it's gone!"


Jerry: What are you doing? All right, all right. What's the matter with that? What about that one?
Elaine: Robert Vaughn, The Helsinki Formula?
Jerry: He was good in Man From Uncle.
Elaine: Guess whose birthday's comin' up soon?
Jerry: I know, I'm having my root canal the same week.
Elaine: Oh, right. I hope you have a good oral surgeon because that can be very serious. (Changes channel) Hey, look at naked people.
Jerry: No, I don't wanna see the naked people.
Elaine: Been a while?
Jerry: I have a vague recollection of doing something with someone, but it was a long, long time ago.
Elaine: I think my last time was in Rochester. My hair was a lot shorter.
Jerry: I remember that it's a good thing. Someday, I hope to do it again. (Jerry looks at Elaine)
Elaine: What?
Jerry: What?
Elaine: What was that look?
Jerry: What look?
Elaine: The look you just gave me.
Jerry: I gave a look?
Elaine: Yes.
Jerry: What kind of look?
Elaine: I know that look.
Jerry: Then what was it?
Elaine: Why should I tell you?
Jerry: Well, you're the big look expert. I wanna see how smart you are.
Elaine: Trust me. I know the look. (Pause) So...
Jerry: What?
Elaine: What about the look?
Jerry: I don't know.
Elaine: You got something on your mind?
Jerry: No. Things pop into your head. You?
Elaine: Things occur to me from time to time.
Jerry: Yeah, me too. Well, you can't expect to just forget the past completely.
Elaine: No, of course not.
Jerry: I mean, it was something we did. Probably about, what? Twenty-five times?
Elaine: Thirty-seven.
Jerry: Yeah, we pretty much know what we're doin' in there. (Points to bedroom)
Elaine: We know the terrain.
Jerry: No big surprises.
Elaine: Nope.
Jerry: What do you think?
Elaine: I don't know. What do you think?
Jerry: Well, it's something to consider.
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: I mean, let's say we did.
Elaine: What if.
Jerry: Is that like the end of the world or something?
Elaine: Certainly not.
Jerry: Why shouldn't we be able to do that once in a while if we want to?
Elaine: I know.
Jerry: I mean, really, what is the big deal? We go in there. (Points to the bedroom) We're in there for a while. We come right back out here. It's not complicated.
Elaine: It's almost stupid if we didn't.
Jerry: It's moronic.
Elaine: Absurd!
Jerry: Of course, I guess, maybe, some little problems could arise.
Elaine: We, there are always a few.
Jerry: I mean, if anything happened, and we couldn't be friends the way we are now, that would be really bad.
Elaine: Devastating.
Jerry: Because this is very good. (Points back and forth between them to indicate friendship)
Elaine: And that would be good. (Points to bedroom)
Jerry: That would be good too. The idea is combine the this and the that. But this cannot be disturbed.
Elaine: Yeah, we just wanna take this and add that.
Jerry: But of course, we'd have to figure out a way to avoid the things that cause the little problems. Maybe some rules or something.
Elaine: Huh.
Jerry: For example, now, I call you whenever I'm inclined and vice versa.
Elaine: Right.
Jerry: But if we did that, we might feel a certain obligation to call.
Elaine: Well why should that be? Oh, I have an idea. I have an idea. No call the day after that.
Jerry: Beautiful. Let's make it a rule.
Elaine: All right, sir.
Jerry: Now here's another little rule.
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: When we see each other now, we retire to our separate quarters. But sometimes, when people get involved with that, they feel pressure to sleep over. When that is not really sleep. Sleep is separate from that. And I don't see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that.
Elaine: Okay, okay. Rule Number Two. Spending the night is optional!
Jerry: Well now we're gettin' somewhere.
Elaine: What about the kiss goodnight?
Jerry: Tough one. You're call.
Elaine: It's brug-wa (?).
Jerry: Fine. Well.
Elaine: Well.
Jerry: You ready?
Elaine: Ready.
Jerry: So think you can handle this?
Elaine: Definitely. (Runs into bookshelf)
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Got the paper?
Jerry: Not yet.
Kramer: No paper?
Jerry: I haven't been out yet.
Kramer: Well, what's taking you so long? (Elaine enters from the bedroom. Kramer is a little shocked) Uh? Oh, well, yeah... (He exits)
George: What's the deal with Aquaman? Could he go on land, or was he just restricted to water?
Jerry: No, I think I saw him on land a couple times. So how's the job situation goin'?
George: Still lookin'. It's pretty bad out there. What about you?
Jerry: Nothin' much. I slept with Elaine last night.
George: Oxygen! I need some oxygen! This is major.
Jerry: I thought you'd like that.
George: Oh, this is huge!
Jerry: I know.
George: All right, okay. Let's go, details.
Jerry: No, I can't do details.
George: You wha?
Jerry: I can't give details.
George: No details?
Jerry: I'm not in the mood.
George: You ask me here to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!
Jerry: All right, okay. We're in the apartment watching TV.
George: Where are you sitting?
Jerry: On the couch.
George: Next to each other?
Jerry: No, separated.
George: Time?
Jerry: Around eleven.
George: Okay, go ahead.
Jerry: So she's flipping around the TV, and she gets to the naked station.
George: Oh, see? that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face. All right, all right. So you're watching the naked station.
Jerry: And then, somehow, we started talking about, what if we had sex.
George: Boy, these are really bad details.
Jerry: It pains me to say this, but I may be getting to mature for details.
George: Oh I hate to hear this. That kind of growth really irritates me.
Jerry: Well. I'll tell you though. It was really passionate.
George: Better than before?
Jerry: She must've taken some kind of seminar or something.
George: This is all too much. So what are you feeling? What's going on? Are you like a couple again now?
Jerry: Not exactly.
George: Not exactly. What does that mean?
Jerry: Well, we've tried to arrange a situation where we'll be able to do this once in a while and still be friends. (George laughs hysterically and stands out of his seat)
George: Where are you living? Are you here? Are you on this planet? It's impossible. It can't be done.
Jerry: I think we've worked out a system.
George: Oh, you know what you're like? You're like a pathetic gambler. You're one of those losers in Las Vegas who keeps thinking he's gonna come up with a way to win at blackjack.
Jerry: No, this is very advanced. We've designed at set of rules that we can maintain the friendship by avoiding all of the relationship pitfalls.
George: Sure, all right. Tell me the rules.
Jerry: Okay. No calls the next day.
George: (To himself) So you're havin' the sex, next day you don't have to call. That's pretty good. (Back to Jerry) Go ahead.
Jerry: You ready for the second one?
George: I have tell you, I'm pretty impressed with the first one.
Jerry: Spending the night. Optional.
George: No, you see? You got greedy.
Jerry: No, that's the rule. It's optional.
George: I know less about women than anyone in the world. But one thing I do know is they're not happy if you don't spend the night. It could be a hot, sweaty room with no air conditioning and all they have is a little army cot this wide (Displays with French fry) You're not going anywhere.
Jerry: I think you're wrong.
George: I hope I am.
Jerry: Is this yours or the roommate's?
Elaine: The roommate's.
Jerry: Would she mind?
Elaine: She keeps track of everything.
Jerry: Well, that's too bad, 'cause I'm takin' it.
Elaine: Thanks.
Jerry: Well, guess I'll get going.
Elaine: Oh.
Jerry: Well, I got that root canal tomorrow morning. It'll be easier if I go home.
Elaine: Fine, go away.
Jerry: I don't understand. Is there a problem? (Elaine is pulling a roll of paper towels about twenty feet long) I'm getting the impression there's a problem.
Elaine: Just go.
Jerry: I'm having surgery tomorrow.
Elaine: Oh, surgery. You're going to the dentist.
Jerry: But you said, it can be very serious.
Elaine: Okay, so fine. Go.
Jerry: What happened to the rules? Remember? Sleeping over was optional.
Elaine: Yeah, it's my house, it's my option.
Jerry: It has nothing to do with whose house it is.
Elaine: Oh, of course it does. (Elaine's roommate, Tina, enters)
Tina: Hi.
Elaine + Jerry: Hi.
Tina: Hi, Jerry.
Jerry: Hi.
Tina: Such a great improv class tonight.
Elaine: Oh really?
Tina: I had this improv where I pretended I was working in one of those booths. You know, in the amusement park, where you have to shoot the water in the clown's mouth and you have to blow up the balloon.
Elaine: Uh, Tina? Could you excuse us for just one second?
Tina: Oh, yeah. I'll excuse you. (She walks away)
Elaine: What are you doing?
Jerry: I can't go if you're mad.
Elaine: I'm not mad.
Jerry: You seemed a little mad.
Elaine: No, no. Jerry, I'm fine really. It's okay.
Jerry: So you're okay with everything?
Elaine: Definitely. Are you?
Jerry: Definitely. Well, goodnight.
Elaine: Goodn- (He starts to kiss her) What're you doing?
Jerry: What?
Elaine: Rules.
Tina: Hey, who took my cake? (Jerry exits quickly)
George: What about jewelry? That's very nice gift.
Jerry: No, no. I have to be very careful here. I don't want to send the wrong message. Especially after the other night.
George: Maybe I'll get her some jewelry.
Jerry: No, no. You can't get her anything better than me. Whatever I spend, you have to spend half.
George: What am I supposed to get, a bazooka?
Jerry: You don't understand. I'm in a very delicate position. Whatever I give her, she's going to be bringing in experts from all over the country to interpret the meaning behind it.
George: What does she need? Maybe there's something that she needs.
Jerry: I think I heard her say something about a bench.
George: A bench? What kind of a bench?
Jerry: I don't know, but she mentioned a bench.
George: What, like at a bus stop?
Jerry: I don't know.
George: Like a park bench?
Jerry: I have no idea.
George: Who puts a bench in their house?
Jerry: Forget the bench.
George: I got it. You wanna get her something nice? How 'bout a music box?
Jerry: No, too relationshippy. She opens it up, she hears that Laura's theme, I'm dead.
George: Okay, what about a nice frame? With a picture of another guy in it. Frame says I care for you, but if you wanna get serious, perhaps you'd be interested in someone like this.
Jerry: Nice looking fellow.
George: What about candle holders?
Jerry: Too romantic.
George: Lingerie?
Jerry: Too sexual.
George: Waffle maker.
Jerry: Too domestic.
George: Bust of Nelson Rockefeller.
Jerry: Too Gubernatorial. (?)
George: Let's work on the card.
Jerry: Maybe you won't like it.
Elaine: Oh, how could I not like it? Of course I'll like it.
Jerry: You could not like it.
Elaine: Just the fact that you remembered means everything.
Jerry: Of course I remembered. You reminded me everyday for two months. Oh, the card. (She opens)
Elaine: Cash?
Jerry: Would do you think?
Elaine: You got me cash?
Jerry: Well this way I figure you can go out and get yourself whatever you want. No good?
Elaine: Who are you, my uncle?
Jerry: Well come on. That's $182 right there. I don't think that's anything to sneeze at.
Elaine: Let me see the card. (Reading) To a wonderful girl, a great pal, and more? (Kramer enters)
Kramer: Hey. Oh, Elaine. I'm glad you're here. Stay right there. I'm gonna be right back. (He exits)
Elaine: Pal? You think I'm your pal?
Jerry: I said, "and more."
Elaine: I am not your pal.
Jerry: What's wrong with pal? Why is everyone so down on pal? (Kramer enters with present)
Elaine: Oh, what is this? You got me something?
Kramer: Yeah. Open it.
Elaine: Oh Kramer... (She opens it) The bench! You got me the bench that I wanted! (Jerry looks irritated)
Kramer: That's pretty good, huh?
Jerry: Great.
Kramer: Remember when we were standing there and she mentioned it? I made a mental note of it.
Jerry: Well goody for you.
Kramer: Oh yeah, I'm very sensitive about that. I mean, when someone's birthday comes up, I keep my ears open. So what'd you get her?
Jerry: 182 bucks.
Kramer: Cash? You gotta be kidding. What kind of gift is that? That's like something her uncle would get her.
Elaine: (Reading card) Think where man's glory most begins and ends and say my glory was I had such a friend.
Kramer: (To Jerry) Yates.
Elaine: Oh Kramer. (They embrace)
Jerry: Could you excuse us please?
Kramer: What?
Jerry: We're talking.
Kramer: Oh, the relationship. (He leaves)
Jerry: You know, we never had one fight before this deal.
Elaine: I know.
Jerry: Never.
Elaine: Ever.
Jerry: We got along beautifully.
Elaine: Like clams.
Jerry: It was wonderful.
Elaine: A pleasure.
Jerry: So I think we should just forget the whole deal, and go back to being friends.
Elaine: I can't do it.
Jerry: You what?
Elaine: I can't do that.
Jerry: You mean it's... (She nods) No this. No that. No this or that. Oh, boy. Hmmm. What do you want?
Elaine: This, that, and the other.
Jerry: Oh, sure. Of course, you're entitled. Who doesn't want this, that, and the other?
Elaine: You.
Jerry: (Starts to correct then realizes) Well...
George: Those birthdays. I told you. They're relationship killers. If a relationship is having any problems whatsoever, a birthday will always bring it out.
Jerry: I never should have made up those rules.
George: What is it about sex that just disrupts everything? Is it the touching? Is it the nudity?
Jerry: It can't be the nudity. I never got into these terrible fights and misunderstandings when I was changing before gym class.
George: You know what this means? I can't see her anymore either.
Jerry: Why?
George: It's break up by association. Besides, she's mad at me anyway because of my birthday present.
Jerry: What did you end up giving her?
George: 91 dollars.
Jerry: Sorry about that.
George: So what're you gonna do?
Jerry: Well, if I call her, there's no joking around anymore. This is pretty much it.
George: So, maybe this should be it.
Jerry: Could be it.
George: She seems like an it.
Jerry: She's at it as you get. Imagine bumping into her on the street in five years with a husband. And she tells me he's a sculptor, they live in Vermont...
George: We'd have to kill him.
Jerry: We'd get caught, I'd get the chair.
George: I'd go to prison as your accomplice. I'd have to wear that really heavy denim. Go to the cafeteria line with the guy who slops those mashed potatoes onto your plate. Go to the bathroom in front of hundreds of people.
Jerry: Plus, you know what else.
George: You better call her.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: You got the paper yet?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: Well where is it? (Elaine enters from bedroom with newspaper) Hey, you done with that?
Elaine: No.
Kramer: Well, you're not reading it now.
Elaine: All right, you can take it. But I want it back.
Kramer: Oh yeah. So, ah, what're you guys gonna do today?
Elaine: Ah, this. And that.
Jerry: And the other.
Kramer: Boy, I really liked the two of you much better when you weren't a couple. (He exits)


[Setting: Night club]
Jerry: Men flip around the television more than women, I think. Men get that remote control in their hands, they don't even know what the hell they're watching. You know, we just keep going, "Rerun, don't wanna watch it.. " "What are you watching?" "I don't care, I gotta keep going." "Who was that?" "I don't know what it was - doesn't matter, it's not your fault. It doesn't matter, I gotta keep going." Women don't do this. See now, women will stop and go, "Well, let me see what the show is before I change the channel." You see? Men just fly. Because women, you see, women nest and men hunt. That's why we watch TV differently. Before there was flipping around, before there was television, kings and emperors and pharaohs and such had story-tellers that would tell them stories 'cause that was their entertainment. I always wonder, in that era, if they would get, like, thirty story-tellers together so they could still flip around. Just go, "Alright start telling me a story, what's happening? I don't want to hear anymore. Shut up. Go to the next guy. What are you talking about? Is there a girl in that story? ..No? Shut up. Go to the next guy. What do you got? I don't want to hear that either. Shut up. No, go ahead, what are you talking about?.. I don't want to hear that. No, the all of you, get out of here. I'm going to bed."
[Setting: Coffee shop]
George: (Shocked) She's pregnant? Leslie is pregnant?! Oh, see, there is no justice.
Jerry: She's the performance artist, right?
George: (Sarcastic) Yeah, performance artist. She's a real performer. A real trooper.
Jerry: What's her husband's name, again? Chip? Kip? Skip?
Elaine: Todd.
Jerry: Todd. Oh yeah. (To George) He's a Kennedy.
Elaine: No, he's not.
Jerry: C'mon. He's a third cousin, or something.
Elaine: By marriage.
Jerry: Oh, by marriage. (To George) We went to their wedding. You should have heard him talking about Chappaquiddick - trying to blame the whole thing on bad directions.
George: That woman was unequivocally the worst date of my life.
Elaine: Oh, pardon me for trying to set you up with a beautiful, intelligent woman.
George: What, you don't think I can attract beautiful, intelligent women?
Jerry: Thin ice, George. Thin ice..
George: (Sarcastic) Maybe for her new performance piece she'll give birth on stage.
Elaine: She stopped performing.
George: (Again, sarcastic) Oh, what a huge blow to the culture.
Jerry: (Gesturing to George) You believe this guy? He holds a grudge like Khomeini.
George: She dragged me down to that warehouse on the waterfront in Brooklin to see one of her "performances".
Jerry: Oh, and she cooks dinner onstage for some celebrity?
George: God! She's cooking dinner for God! She's yelling and screaming, and the next thing I know, she throws a big can of chocolate syrup all over my new red shirt.
Elaine: It was an accident!
George: Oh, yeah, sure, accident, right. She was aiming right at me like she was putting out a fire! Then, for the rest of the show, I'm sitting there with chocolate all over my shirt. Flies are landing on me. I'm boiling - I'm fantasizing all the things I'm gonna say when I see her. And later, finally, backstage when I talk to her, I'm a groveling worm. "What kind of chocolate was that? Do you throw any other foods?"
Jerry: (To Elaine) he thought he still had a shot.
George: And then, then, then she leaves with somebody else! Never even, never even said goodbye! Never called me back.. Never apologized. Nothing. Like I was dirt.
Jerry: What ever happened with the shirt?
George: I still have it. The collar's okay. I wear it under sweaters.
Elaine: I don't know what I'm gonna do. She asked me to give her a baby shower.
Jerry: Asked you? You're not going to do that are you?
Elaine: anyone else, never. But, Leslie - I have a problem saying no to. For some reason, I seem to want her approval.
George: Let Maria Shriver give her a baby shower.
Jerry: Ask not what I can do for you - ask what you can do for me.
George: (Germanic) Ich bin ein sucker.
Elaine: Oh, would you two stop with the Kennedys? Why does everybody make such a big deal about he Kennedys? What is this fascination?! Who cares?! It's all so boring..
George: She doesn't deserve a baby shower. She deserves a baby monsoon. She deserves Rosemary's baby!
Elaine: (To Jerry) I do have one teeny little problem, though.
George: Never said goodbye. Never apologized. Nothing.
Elaine: See, I was gonna give the shower in my apartment..
Jerry: But?
Elaine: My roommate has Lyme disease.
Jerry: Lyme disease? I thought she had Epstein-Barr Syndrome?
Elaine: She has this in addition to Epstein-Barr. It's like Epstein-Barr with a twist of Lyme disease.
Jerry: How did she get Lyme disease?
Elaine: I don't know. She did some outdoor version of Hair in Danbury, Connecticut.
Jerry: They still do that play?
Elaine: It's a classic.
Jerry: With all the nudity?
Elaine: I guess. She must've rolled over on a tick during the love-in.
George: (Still mad a Leslie) Never said goodbye. Goodbye!
Jerry: Explain to me how this baby shower thing works.
Elaine: What do you wanna know?
Jerry: Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence?
Elaine: Rarely.
Jerry: There's no hazing of the fetus, or anything, is there?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: When is this suppose to be?
Elaine: Saturday.
Jerry: Saturday?.. Well, I have a show in Buffalo on Saturday. They're not gonna bust up my apartment, or anything, are they?
Elaine: I'll take full responsibility. You won't regret it.
Jerry: 'Cause I've seen these pregnant women - and they sometimes misjudge their fetal girth. Just like one wrong turn, and boom! And entire buffet is swept off the table.
George: Someday, before I die, mark my words - I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do.
Jerry: And if you do?
George: I still won't be able to forgive myself - but at least it won't be about this.
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Kramer: What are you doing this for? Look at you..
Jerry: Quiet. I'm trying to get a picture.
Kramer: But you don't have to do this! This guy is waiting in my house.
Jerry: (Pleading) Leave me alone.
Kramer: It's a one-time fee. A hundred and fifty bucks. Why live like this?!
Jerry: I'm not getting illegal cable!
Kramer: Oh, so what are you gonna do? You gonna wait for the cable companies to resolve their dispute? They're gonna be in court for years.
Jerry: No, I read in the paper..
Kramer: (Sarcastic) Oh, oh, the paper..
Jerry: Well, they might hook us up again.
Kramer: Oh, God, you're so naive! All the cable companies care about is the "Big Mammoo." (Jerry wacks the TV) Oh, look at you! You're banging things.. Pathetic. Just wasting your life. I'm offering you fifty-six channels - movies, sports, nudity. And it's free! For life!
Jerry: Stop shouting! You're ruining the reception.
Kramer: Can you hear yourself? Can, can, do you know what you're saying?!
Jerry: What you're suggesting is illegal.
Kramer: It's not illegal.
Jerry: It's against the law.
Kramer: Well, yeah.
Jerry: (Gesturing to the rabbit ears) Just, just, hold this. Can you hold that?
Kramer: (Holding the rabbit ears) Look, will you at least let me bring the guy over? He's an amazing man. He's a Russian immigrant. He escaped the Gulag. He's like the Sakharov of cable guys.. He'll slow down your gas meter. He sells slugs, Jerry. Slugs for the subway.
Jerry: A real human rights nut, huh?
Kramer: Yeah. He's intense, man.
Jerry: I don't know. What if I get caught?
Kramer: Oh, you're not gonna get caught. Look, let me get him. Man, it's the nineties, it's Hammer time! Come on, just let me get him.
Jerry: You know, why don't we wait? Because, I'm going out of town tomarrow.
Tabachnick: Tomarrow okay.
Kramer: No problem. Yeah, you'll have the whole thing installed by the time you get back.
Jerry: (Mutters to himself) Every time I turn on the TV, sirens are gonna go off. They're gonna track me down like a dog, I know it..
Kramer: No, no, now look now, Jerry, Jerry, it's no risk. I swear. The Mets have seventy-five games on cable this year..
Jerry: (Pauses, thinking about what Kramer just said) Put it in.
Kramer: You won't regret it. (Jerry mutters some more, Kramer rubs his hands together in anticipation, then starts dancing around with a reluctant Jerry) Jerry's gonna be a cable boy, a cable boy, a cable boy..
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Man: Mr. Steinfeld?
Jerry: Seinfeld.
Man: We're with the FBI. You wanna tell us about your cable hook-up?
Jerry: My cable hook-up? What about it?
Man: It's been illegally installed, Mr. Steinfeld.
Jerry: It has? I've been out of town. How did you know?
Kramer: Jerry, I had to tell them. I had to. I had no choice. They were onto the scam from the very beginning.
Man: You're in serious trouble, Mr. Steinfeld.
Jerry: Wait a minute. Wait a minute, hold on! We're just patsies. We're just a couple of users.. We never sold the stuff. What about the Russian guy? The Russian guy is the guy you want.
Tabachnick: Mr. Seinfeld, Agent Stone. FBI. Undercover.
Kramer: No! Jerry! (The FBI agents open fire. Jerry's gunned down by a hailstorm of bullets. Kramer leans next to a fallen Jerry, cupping Jerry's head in his hands) Cable boy, cable boy.. What have you done to my little cable boy?..
[Setting: Airplane]
Jerry: Excuse me. Can I get something to drink?
Stewardess: I'm afraid not.
Jerry: What's with this airline? What are you, cutting out the drinks now?
Stewardess: No sir. We're flying into a blizzard. Please fasten your seat belt. We're making an emergency landing.
Jerry: (Sarcastic) Are they gonna go over the instructions again?
Bill: My name is Bill. I might be the last person you ever see.
[Setting: Night club]
Jerry: I'm not afraid of flying, although many people do have fear of flying and, I have no arguement with that. I think fear of flying is quite rational because, human beings cannot fly. Humans have fear of flying same way fish have fear of driving. Put a fish behind the wheel, and they go, "This isn't right. I shouldn't be doing this. I don't belong here."
[Setting: George's car]
George: Sounds like a rough trip.
Jerry: Oh, fire engines, ambulances all along the runway. And then, when we landed safely, they all seemed so disappointed.
George: So, the college cancelled the gig?
Jerry: Well, there was so much snow. The roads were closed. I really appreciate it - you picking me up. Thanks again.
George: (Modestly) Forget it.
Jerry: No, really.. an airport run.
George: It's nothing.
Jerry: Hey, it's one thing if I asked you "Could you do me a favor?" ..But to suggest it?.. GEORGE (Obviously up to something. Jerry doesn't suspect anything - yet) Whey you told me what you went through on the plane, it makes you stop and think. You appreciate having a real friend.
Jerry: (Joking) You know, if Richie Brandes did this, I'd be suspicious, you know. He's always got some ulterior motive.
George: (Laughs nervously) ..Ulterior motive.
Jerry: Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't take the bridge.. Get off here. We can't go back to my place, Elaine's having the shower.
George: (Obviously knows that, but pretends he doesn't) What, tonight? Now?
Jerry: Yeah, yeah. I forgot all about it. Alright, it's no big deal. We'll just go back to your place.
George: My place? NO, no, no. I hate my place. I don't wanna go back to my place.
Jerry: You want to get a bite?
George: Yeah, I would. It's just, you know, I just ate a whole pot roast.
Jerry: Well, so what should we do?
George: Shouldn't we at least drop off your bag?
Jerry: Red shirt! Red shirt! That's the red shirt!
George: (Nervous) What are you talking about?
Jerry: You're wearing the chocolate shirt!
George: I am? What a strange coincidence..
Jerry: A - Ha! Nice try, my friend, but you gotta get up pretty early in the morning..
George: (Pleading) You gotta let me go over there.
Jerry: What are you gonna do? Badger a pregnant woman at her own baby shower?! What are you, gonna take it off and make her rinse it in club soda?
George: No, I'm gonna hold it under her nose so she can smell the scent of stale Bosco that I had to live with for three years, and I'm gonna say, "Remember this shirt, baby?! Well, now, it's payback time!"
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Leslie: We just bought an apartment on Riverside Drive. Bernard Goetz's mother used to live there.
Elaine: So, where's Todd?
Leslie: Up in Hyannisport.
Elaine: Oh my God, Hyannisport? With the Kennedys? Who else is up there? Is Rose up there?!
Woman: (To Leslie) So, when's your due date?
Leslie: March twentieth, nine a.m.
Woman: You know the time!
Leslie: I'm having a planned C-section. My therapist told me if I go through labor, I might get psychotic.
Elaine: Leslie, Leslie, whatever happened to Sargent Shriver? Is he still with them? You don't hear much about him these days. Is he out of the loop?
Leslie: (Takes a bite of food) Elaine, who catered this, Sears?
Elaine: (Whispering to Kramer) What is this?! What are you doing here?
Kramer: We're putting in cable.
Elaine: The cable? No, no, no. I'm having a party here. You can't do this now!
Kramer: Oh, we have to do this now.
Elaine: Who's this guy?
Kramer: Which one?
Elaine: Both of the them.
Kramer: Oh, they're Soviet Cable guys.
Elaine: Okay.. Does Jerry know about this?
Kramer: Oh yeah.. it's all authorized, yeah.
Elaine: You can't! You can't do this now!
Kramer: Elaine, do you know how booked up this guy is? Now, if I send him away now, it's gonna take Jerry months to get him back.. He won't like that.
Elaine: Alright. Just do it fast and then get out.
Kramer: (Snaps his fingers) Anatoly! (The Russians get to work on command. To Elaine) Look, it's gonna take a few minutes.. Then, you and the gals can take a load off and watch something on Lifetime.
[Setting: George's car]
Jerry: And what if we go up there? What are you going to say to her?
George: (Boiling) What am I going to say?!
Jerry: Yeah.
George: What did you go out with me for?! Just to dump chocolate on my shirt and then just dump me altogether?! I don't deserve that kind of treatment! What, you don't have the common courtesy to return my calls?! To apologize! You think I'm some sort of a loser, that likes to be abused and ignored?! Who's shirt can be ruined without financial restitution?! Some sort of a masochist who enjoys being humiliated? You think you can avoid me like I have some sort of disease?! You have the disease! You have the disease! You may be beautiful and rich and physically .. just .. unbelievable, but you sicken me! You disgust me! You and everyone like you!
Jerry: You'll never say that to her face.
George: Watch me.
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Kramer: (Flirting with a female guest) Yeah, I eat the whole apple. The core, stem, seeds, everything.
Elaine: (To Kramer) Kramer, Kramer, look at him. (Gestures to Tabachnick) Look! He's eating all the food!
Kramer: Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, there are many differences between American and Soviet cultures that you're not aware of. See, in Russian, the cable guy, they got the whole run of the house. Yeah, that's tradition. (Turns back to the woman) Did you ever eat the bark of a pineapple?
Elaine: Kramer!
Kramer: (Trying to break up the fight) Uh.. Excuse me..
Elaine: What are you doing here? I thought you were out of town for the weekend.
Jerry: The show was cancelled. There was a blizzard.
Elaine: I can't believe you told Kramer it's okay to put the cable in during the shower! Jerry, look,, look! They've eaten everything.
Leslie: Jerry, what a surprise! I thought you sere out of town.
Jerry: Well, Leslie, sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason.
Elaine: (Speaking confidentially to George) George, don't even think about it! Don't even dream about it!
George: (Unconvincingly coy) About what?
Tabachnick: (Sticks his head out the door) Kramer, Kramer, Kramer..
George: Leslie.
Leslie: Yeah?
George: George.. (She doesn't seem to recognize him) George Costanza.
Leslie: Hi.
George: (Laughs) You, I guess, you don't remember me.. but we actually, kind of um.. went out.. a couple of years ago.. once.. remember?
Leslie: Vaguely.
George: You took me to one of your shows..
Leslie: And?
George: And, um, it was quite good. In fact, you even incorporated me into the show. I'm not actually a performer. Although, my parents felt I had talent..
Mary: Jerry?! (A woman, angry at Jerry, approaches him. Jerry looks confused) Remember me?
Jerry: I'm sorry, I..
Mary: (Livid) Mary Contardi. No? Doesn't ring a bell, Jerry? We had a date, three years ago. You took me to one of your shows.
Jerry: (Stammering) Oh, I, I, think I remember..
Mary: Told me you had a great time! Said you'd call me the next day.
Jerry: Well, I'm sure I meant to call.. I probably just lost your..
Mary: Liar! Liar! You were never going to call me! You thought you could waltz throught the rest of your life and never bump into me again! But you were wrong, Jerry! You were wrong! What do you think, I'm some sort of poor, pathetic wretch?!
Jerry: No, I don't think that..
Marry: Some person who could be dismissed and ignored?! Some insignificant piece of dust?! Some person who doesn't deserve your respect and your attention?! You're the one that doesn't deserve my respect and my attention! You're the insignificant piece of dust!
George: Actually, I never had any formal training. I guess I'd be better suited for improvs, or something..
Leslie: Thanks a lot!
Elaine: I'm sorry you have to go.
Woman: Yeah. I really have to be going.
Jerry: Alright, listen, I've changed my mind about this whole thing. I don't want cable.
Kramer: Don't be a fool.
Tabachnick: You don't want?
Jerry: No, I don't want. So, just tell me what I owe you for your trouble..
Tabachnick: (Confers with his assistant, then) Four hundred dollars.
Jerry: (To Kramer) Four hundred dollars?1 You told me one-fifty!
Leslie: I'm going.. obviously.
Elaine: Oh, Leslie, I am so sorry about everything that went on here tonight. You know, I had no idea..
Leslie: Elaine, you know, I was watching you tonight, and I realized something. You're just like you were in college.
Elaine: (Not sure if it was an insult or a compliment) Oh, thank you. (Leslie leaves. Then Elaine wonders to herself) "Like you were in college"?
Leslie: (Comes back, and yells in the direction of the bedroom) Come on! Let's go!
George: (Sheepishly to Elaine) I'll be right back. (Leaves)
Jerry: (Defiantly) I'm not paying four hundred dollars! I don't even want the thing. What are you going to do?!
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
George: Every woman on the face of the earth has complete control of my life. And yet, I want them all.. is that irony?
Elaine: Why can't I meet a Kennedy? ..I saw John Junior once downtown. I was on a bus. I hit the ding, but.. it didn't stop.
Jerry: Alright, I said I had a good time and I'd call, but who takes that literally?
Kramer: (Pops his head into Jerry's apartment) Hey, come on over, Dr. Zhivago's on cable in five minutes.. I'm making popcorn! (Leaves)
[Setting: Night club]
Jerry: What do you do at the end of a date when you know you don't want to see this person ever again, for the rest of your life? What do you say? What do you say? No matter what you say, it's a lie. "I'll see you around. See you around. If you're around, and I'm around, I'll see you around that area. You'll be around other people. You won't be around me. But you will be around." "Take care now." Did you ever say that to somebody? "Take care now. Take care, now. Because, I'm not going to be taking care of you. So, you should take care, now." "Take care. Take care." What does this mean? "Take off!" Isn't that what you really want to say? "Take off now."