Toby (Exuberantly): These are great! Just great! Really great! Really, really great! Don't you think so, Elaine?
Elaine (Put Off By Toby'S Exuberance): Yeah, really great.
Toby: Oh, a coffee table book about coffee tables! (To Kramer) How did you come up with this idea?
Kramer: It was there!
Toby: Oh, look at this one! It's saying, 'I'm a coffee table, put some coffee on me! Oh, the hotter the better, that's what I'm here for!' (laughs)
Elaine: You know actually, I've got some work I gotta do, so...
Kramer: Hey, how about if the book came with these little fold-out legs...so the book itself becomes a coffee table?
Toby: Ohhh, that is a great idea! Really, really great!
Elaine (Imitating Toby): 'Oooh, and that coffee table is saying, put some coffee on me!' I'd like to put some coffee on her. Hot, scalding coffee - right in her face! I swear! This is like working with a contestant from "The Price Is Right"! (demonstrates a winner on "The Price Is Right")
Jerry: Yeah, that's real interesting. Elaine, listen, tell me if you think this is funny - (reads comedy he's written) "Men definitely hit the remote more than women...men don't care what's on TV, men only care what else is on TV. Women want to see what the show is before they change the channel, because men hunt and women nest."
Elaine (Uninterested): Yeah, it's funny, I dunno.
Jerry: You don't know? Come on, that's gold!
Elaine: Well, I don't know about "gold."
Jerry: Oh, that's gold, baby.
Elaine: 'Baby'? What, are you doing George now?
Jerry: I was saying 'baby' way before George!
Elaine: Well, I don't know, don't ask me any more questions about jokes, Jerry, it just puts too much pressure on me.
Jerry: Well, this guy Leonard Christian's gonna be there tomorrow night.
Elaine: Yeah, who's he?
Jerry: He's a writer from Entertainment Weekly . I would like to have a good show.
Kramer: Danke schoen, my little dumplings.
Elaine: Hi.
Kramer (To Elaine): Hey, how about that Toby, huh?
Elaine: Yeah, how about her?
Kramer: Ooh, she's a package full of energy!
Elaine: Yeah, she's a package full of something.
Kramer: Yeah, and that something is life. Jerry, you gotta meet this gal - she's brimmin' with positivity!
Elaine (Absolutely Disgusted): Oh, pleeeeease. (moves to the living room and sits down)
Kramer (To Jerry): Hey, are you performing tomorrow?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: Great, I'm gonna bring Toby.
Jerry: Well, you better laugh 'cause I'm being reviewed. Leonard Christian's gonna be there.
Kramer: Oh, she's a great laugher - right, Elaine?
Elaine: Oh yeah, she's a great laugher, Jerry. (imitates Toby) Really, really great!
Jerry (To Kramer): Well, you want to sit with George? I think he's coming with Robin.
Kramer: Is that the waitress from the comedy club?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: Oh.
Elaine: What about her kid, is she bringing him, too?
Kramer: She's got a kid?
Jerry: Yeah, you should see George get along with this kid!
George: Ow! What are you doing under there? Hey, stop that! Don't eat that! That's not food! (to Robin) He's suckin' down Equal packets!
Robin: Do you think 25 kids is too much?
George: 25 kids for his birthday party? (to kid under table) Don't put your tongue on the floor! He's putting his tongue on the floor! Here, here, have some more sugar packets. (tosses some Equal packets under the table)
Robin: So, what about entertainment? (to kid) Should I get Barney?
Kid: No Barney!
Robin (To George): Maybe a clown.
George: How about Bozo?
Kid: Who's Bozo?
George: Who's Bozo? Bozo the Clown, that's who Bozo is. When I was a kid, Bozo the Clown was the clown, bar none.
Robin: George...
George: With the orange hair, and the big clown shirt with the ruffles...
Robin: George...
George: He had a TV show! He had cartoons!
Robin: George! Forget Bozo, George. Bozo's out. He's finished. It's over for Bozo.
George: You know, when I was a kid, we didn't have these elaborate birthday parties w-with catered food and entertainment. I remember my 7th birthday party...
Frank: Blow out the candles! Blow out the candles, I said! Blow out the damn candles!
Estelle: Stop it, Frank! You're killing him!
Frank: Blow out the candles!!
Robin: Well, this time, you can blow out the candles.
George: Nah, I have asthma. (Robin's kid grabs George's leg from under the table, and George struggles.)
Toby: Hi!
Elaine (In A Dreadful Tone): Hi, Toby.
Toby: How are you doing today?
Elaine: Fine... (Toby sits and waits for Elaine to speak.) How are you?
Toby: Oh, I'm great! Just great. Really great! Oh, hey - did you hear about Bob Rosen?
Elaine: Nope.
Toby: He is going to Knopp. He is going to be a vice president.
Elaine: Knopp? Really? Boy. That means there's an opening here for senior editor...has Lippman, uh, hired anyone?
Toby: No. I hear he wants to promote someone in-house.
Elaine: Really!?
Toby: Maybe it'll be you!
Elaine: Oh...well...
Toby: You really deserve it. I mean, you have experience, seniority...Lippman really respects your opinion...
Elaine (Beaming): Well! Well, it could be you.
Toby: No...
Elaine: No, really.
Toby (Standing): Really? You think so?
Elaine (Humoring Her): Sure.
Toby: Boy, wouldn't that be exciting!
Elaine: I mean, stranger things have happened...
Toby: Wow! Me! A senior editor! (deadly serious) I'd like that.
Elaine: Well, you shouldn't get your hopes up, Toby.
Toby: Well, it's a possibility, like you said! Stranger things have happened! Thank you, Elaine. Thank you. (Exits.)
Jerry: Hey, Ronnie.
Ronnie: Hey.
Jerry: (To bartender) Can I have a club soda? (To Ronnie) Goin' on tonight?
Ronnie: Yeah. You?
Jerry: Yeah.
Ronnie: You know Leonard Christian's here?
Jerry: Yeah, I know.
Ronnie: Can I ask you something? Are my nostrils getting bigger?
Jerry: (looking at his nostrils) I don't...think so.
Ronnie: Are you sure? Take a good look. They seem a little bigger?
Jerry: I don't...I dunno.
Ronnie: Is it possible for nostrils to expand?
Jerry: Oh, is this a bit?
Ronnie: Hey, I don't do "bits." I'm a prop comic. Dammit, I can't find my water gun. I can't go on without my water gun.
Kramer: Hey, Jerry.
Jerry: (turns to greet Kramer) Hey.
Kramer: Well here's Toby, (points to Jerry in order to introduce him to Toby) Jerry.
Toby: This is so exciting! Look, I have goosebumps! (To Jerry) Touch! Touch them! (Jerry touches her arm. Toby screeches with excitement.) I've never been to a comedy club before!
Jerry: Really! You know, a lot of restaurants are serving brewed decaf now, too.
Toby (Laughing): You are so funny!
Jerry: Oh, you'll have a good time, I swear.
Toby: Oh! He swears like he thinks I don't believe him. I believe you. I believe you! Oh, he's so funny! (laughs)
Kramer: What about me?
Toby (Serious): What about you? (laughs) I'm only kidding. You're funny, too. I love to laugh.
Jerry: Good, good.
Kramer (To Jerry): So, you up next?
Jerry: Yeah, why don't you guys get a table so you'll have good seats?
Toby: Oh yeah, we don't want some jerk sitting in front of us, it'll be like, 'Hey, big head, can you move out of the way? I didn't pay a cover charge to stare at your bald spot.' (laughs)
Kramer: Alright, so you have a good show, huh buddy?
Jerry: Yeah.
Toby: Oh, have a great show. Hey, we'll make sure it's a great show!
Jerry: O.k., good, I'll see you later. (Kramer and Toby are about to exit. She turns around and clutches Kramer's jacket.)
Toby: Oh, he's so great! This is so great! I'm so excited!
Jerry: Men definitely hit the remote button more than women...
Toby (Loudly): Oh, really! Really! That is so true!
Jerry: Yes, yeah...see, men don't care what's on TV, men only care what else is on TV.
Toby: Yes! Yes! Right on! Right on! (Other audience members give her puzzled looks.)
Jerry (Attempting To Carry On Despite Toby'S Interruptions): See...women really want to see what the show is before they change the channel...
Toby: Oh, that is so true, yes!
Jerry: ...that's why men hunt and women nest.
Toby: BOO! BOO! Hiss! Boo! (Toby's obnoxious behavior causes Jerry to completely lose his place and mess up his act.)
Jerry: Yea, ya, so...anyway what was I talking about.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey, what's the deal? What was goin' on there? I invite you down here, I have an important show, and she heckles me?!
Kramer: Look, she didn't mean anything.
Jerry: Well, what is the matter with her? Is she crazy?!
Kramer: She's just being enthusiastic, that's all!
Jerry: Hey! What is wrong with you?!
Toby: Me? Nothing's wrong with me.
Jerry: Y-You boo me?! You hiss?! You didn't stop blathering throughout the whole set!
Toby: Oh, come on! I thought you're a pro! That's part of the show.
Jerry: No! Not part of the show! Booing and hissing are not part of the show! You boo puppets! You hiss villains in silent movies!
Toby: Well, that's the way I express myself. How are you gonna make it in this business if you can't take it?
Jerry: Oh, I can take it.
Toby (To Kramer): Let's go. (Ronnie walks by Jerry.)
Ronnie: Hey, man. Good set.
George: Bozo?
Eric: No.
George: B-O-Z-O?
Eric: Sorry, I...
George: You've never heard of Bozo the Clown?
Eric: No!
George: How could you not know who Bozo the Clown is?
Eric: I don't know, I just don't.
George: How can you call yourself a clown and not know who Bozo is?
Eric: Hey, man - what are you hassling me for? This is just a gig, it's not my life. I don't know who Bozo is, what - is he a clown?
George: Is he a clown? What, are you kidding me!?
Eric: Well, what is he?
George: Yes, he's a clown!
Eric: Alright, so what's the big deal! There's millions of clowns!
George: Alright, just forget it.
Eric: Me forget it? You should forget it! You're livin' in the past, man! You're hung up on some clown from the sixties, man!
George: Alright, very good, very good...go fold your little balloon animals, Eric. Eric! (chuckles) What kind of name is that for a clown, huh?
Robin'S Mother: Excuse me...you must be George! I'm Robin's mother. Oh, you seem like such a lovely young man!
George: Well, I do what I can. (Robin comes over.)
Robin: Hi Mom, how's everything?
Robin'S Mother: Oh, this is just a wonderful party!
Robin: The burgers should be ready in a minute.
George: Ah, great, great. (sniffs) What's that smell? Smoke? (walks to the kitchen) Hey everybody, I think I smell some smoke back here...(smoke boils into the doorway.) FIRE! FIRE! Get out of the way!
George (To The Emts): It was an inferno in there! An inferno! (Eric, Robin's mother, and all the kids rush at George.)
Eric: There he is! That's him! (Tries to clobber George with his big shoe.)
Robin'S Mother: That's the coward that left us to die!
George (Voice Is Hoarse From Screaming): I...was trying to lead the way. We needed a leader! Someone to lead the way to safety.
Robin: But you yelled "get out of my way"!
George: Because! Because, as the leader...if I die...then all hope is lost! Who would lead? The clown? Instead of castigating me, you should all be thanking me. What kind of a topsy-turvy world do we live in, where-where heroes are cast as villains? Brave men as cowards?
Robin: But I saw you push the women and children out of the way in a mad panic! I saw you knock them down! And when you ran out, you left everyone behind!
George: Seemingly. Seemingly, to the untrained eye, I can fully understand how you got that impression. What looked like pushing...what looked like knocking down...was a safety precaution! In a fire, you stay close to the ground, am I right? And when I ran out that door, I was not leaving anyone behind! Oh, quite the contrary! I risked my life making sure that exit was clear. Any other questions?
Fireman: How do you live with yourself?
George: Its not easy.
George: So she doesn't want to see me anymore.
Jerry: Did you knock her over too, or just the kids?
George: No, her too. And her mother.
Jerry: Really? Her mother.
George: Yeah. I may have stepped on her arm, too, I don't know.
Jerry: You probably couldn't see because of the smoke.
George: Yeah. But it was somebody's arm.
Jerry: Hmm. So you feel "women and children first," in this day and age, is somewhat of an antiquated notion.
George: To some degree.
Jerry: So basically, it's every man, woman, child, and invalid for themselves.
George: In a manner of speaking.
Jerry: Yeah, well, it's honest.
George: Yeah. She should be commending me for treating everyone like equals.
Jerry: Well, perhaps when she's released from the burn center, she'll see things differently.
George: Perhaps.
Jerry: So, what was the fire? Just a couple of greasy hamburgers?
George: Yeah. Eric the Clown put it out with his big shoe.
Jerry: By the way, did you see this? (Hands George a magazine)
George: What's that?
Jerry: It's the Leonard Christian article about my show. Plus my gig in Miami got cancelled, I betcha it's because of the article.
George: Wow, he really does a number on you. (reads) "Seinfeld froze like a deer in the headlights in the face of incessant heckling."
Jerry: I should have let her have it! I held back because of Kramer.
George: You know what you oughta do. You should go to her office and heckle her.
Jerry: Yeah, right.
George: You know, like all the comedians always say, 'How would you like it if I came to where you work and heckled you?'
Jerry: Yeah, that'd be something.
George: I'm not kidding, you should do it.
Jerry: But wouldn't that be the ultimate comedian's revenge? I've always had a fantasy about doing that.
George: Well, go ahead! Do it!
Jerry: Why can't I?
George: No reason!
Jerry: You know what? I think I'm gonna do that! She came down to where I work, I'll go down to where she works!
George: This is unprecedented!
Jerry: There's no precedent, baby!
George: What...are you using my babies now?
Jerry: Hey, nice shoes. What, you wear sandals to work? It's always nice to walk into a room and get the aroma of feet. That's real conducive to the work atmosphere. I'm sure your co-workers really appreciate it. 'Hey, let's go eat in Toby's office. Great idea! We can check on her bunions!'
Toby: You know, I have work to do here! I'm very busy!
Jerry: Oh, is this disruptive? You find it hard to work with someone...interrupting?
Toby: Well, how would you like it if I called security?
Jerry: Security? Well, I don't know how you're gonna make it in this business if you can't take it! Ya gotta be tough! Booo! Boooo!
Toby: No, (gets up out of her chair) that's it. (Kramer arrives; to Kramer) Get out of the way.
Kramer: Hey, what's going on?
Jerry: Boo!
Kramer: What's happenin' here?
Jerry: Hiss!
Kramer: (going after Toby) Toby! Toby!
Toby: (voice; screaming) My pinky toe!
Kramer: (voice; yelling) Toby! (Shot of a shocked Kramer is shown) Oh, Oh!
Kramer: What did you go up there to heckle her for?
Jerry: Because she came down to the club and heckled me! Give her a taste of her own medicine! (George enters.)
Kramer: Oh, YEAH! You gave her a taste of medicine, alright.
Jerry: Well, I didn't want her to have an accident.
George: What accident?
Kramer: Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky toe.
George: That's unbelievable!
Kramer: Yeah! Then after the ambulance left, I found the toe! So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital.
George: Wha.. you ran?
Kramer: No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, "I got a toe here, buddy - step on it."
George: Holy cow!
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" I said, "Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy - " (Kramer throws two quick punches and a massive uppercut) - knocked him out cold!
George: How could you do that?!
Kramer: Then everybody is screamin,' because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion...the bus is out of control! So, I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel and now I'm drivin' the bus.
George: You're Batman.
Kramer: Yeah. Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to, and he starts chokin' me! So I'm fightin' him off with one hand and I kept drivin' the bus with the other, y'know? Then I managed to open up the door, and I kicked him out the door you know with my foot, you know - at the next stop.
Jerry: You kept makin' all the stops?
Kramer: Well, people kept ringin' the bell!
George: Well, wha-what about the toe? What happened to the toe?
Kramer: Well! I am happy to say that the little guy is back in place at the end of the line.
George: You did all this...for a pinky toe?
Kramer: Well, it's a valuable appendage.
Joanne: So, Kramer found the toe, and they re-attached it.
Elaine: Really.
Joanne: Yea, poor kid. What an ordeal.
Michael: And you know how extremely sensitive she is?
Elaine: I know.
Michael: She's gonna need our full support.
Elaine (Wearily): Yeah, right.
Other Co-Workers In Hallway: Look who's here! Toby! (Toby enters on crutches.)
Michael: Toby, what can I do? Can I get you something?
Toby: Oh no, no thank you.
Michael: Toby please let us help. We're family.
Toby: Oh well, I could use some coffee.
Jerry: She got the promotion?
Elaine (Standing In The Doorway): Yep.
Jerry: Why?
Elaine: I'll tell ya why. Because of her pinky toe, that's why. Because Lippman felt so sorry for her, he didn't want to hurt her feelings.
Jerry: Too bad.
Elaine: Sure, the pinky toe is cute! But, I mean, what is it? It's useless! It does nothing. It's got that little nail that is just impossible to cut. What do we need it for?
Jerry: Because Elaine, that's the one that goes 'wee-wee-wee all the home.'
Elaine: Why don't you just shut the f-
Kramer (From His Doorway): Hey Elaine, did you hear the good news? Toby got promoted!
Elaine: Yes, I heard, Kramer - I work there, remember??
Kramer: Yeah, and you know what she told me? She said her first order of business is to put my coffee table book into the bookstores as soon as possible.
Elaine: Oh, wonderful!
Kramer: You know, throughout this whole thing, she always kept a smile on her face.
Elaine: Oh, of course! She's deranged.
Jerry: I went down to the magazine, I pleaded with him to come and see me again, finally he agreed to come down tonight, and he's going to write another article.
Ronnie: I heard you went down to somebody's office and heckled them?
Jerry: Damn right! We've been lapdogs long enough!
Ronnie: How could you do that? I mean, everybody's talking about it.
Jerry: Yeah well, it's about time one of us drew a line in the sand.
Ronnie: Jerry, you're like Rosa Parks. You opened the door for all of us. I can't wait till the next time someone heckles me.
Jerry: Yeah, well, it won't be long.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jerry Seinfeld!
Jerry: Gotta go. (heads out on stage)
George: Robin? Robin!
Robin: George, what is it? I'm working.
George: Robin, listen to me. The most amazing thing has happened. Kramer has opened my eyes. I think I've changed.
Robin: What are you talking about?
George: O.k...(is about to explain. Cut to Jerry on-stage.)
Jerry: I mean, Bozo the Clown...I mean does he really need "the clown" in his title, as clown? Bozo, "the" clown? Are we going to confuse him with Bozo the district attorney? Bozo the pope? There's no other Bozo...
George: ...you'll see, things will be different now - if you just give me one more chance.
Robin: L-listen, Listen...I gotta think about this. (walks away.)
George: Alright, but I'm serious about this.
Ronnie (Points His Water Gun At The Bartender): Alright, hand it over man!
Jerry: ...that's why men hunt and women nest.
George (From Backstage): He's got a gun! He's got a gun! Get out of the way! (Tries to flee the bar in a mad panic. The audience in the club also goes nuts and heads for the exits. Jerry stands onstage, perplexed.)
Robin: George! This is Ronnie Kaye!
George: The prop comic? (Ronnie holds up his water gun and smiles.) Oh, hi...I didn't recognize you, what...did you get a haircut?
Ronnie (Points To His Nose): Nostrils.
Jerry: George - could I have a word?


Kramer: All right, get off at the next exit.
Jerry: Kramer, I've driven to east Hampton many times, I know the exit.
Kramer: It's a great house, pool, sun deck? Yeah, I'll be there.
Jerry: (To Elaine) You sure we're makin' the right move?
Elaine: We gotta see the new baby anyway, at least we'll get a weekend in the Hamptons out of it.
Jerry: Didn't they just have a baby?
Elaine: That was two years ago, remember? 'Jeh-Ree, you gotta see the Bay-Bee! You gotta see the Bay-Bee!'
Jerry: Is it possible they're just having babies to get people to visit them?
Kramer: Hey Jerry, you ever wear silk underwear?
Jerry: No.
Kramer: Put that on the top of your list.
Jerry: No, not for me. A little too delightful. Well, George and Jane should be almost there by now.
Elaine: Oh, isn't that weird that George and Jane haven't had sex yet, but they're spending a weekend together?
Jerry: I know, George is pretty pleased about it. It's like she signed a letter of intent.
Elaine: When's Rachel comin' out?
Jerry: She's makin' the three o'clock train.
Elaine: Her father is so religious, I'm just amazed that he's letting you see her again after that Schindler's List make-out session.
Jerry: I bought him some kishka.
Kramer: What's that?
Jerry: It's kind of a stuffed meat thing. Israeli soldiers carry it. In case they're captured behind enemy lines, they eat it and it kills them.
George: I never tasted a cough medicine I didn't love.
Jane: Me too. I love cough medicine.
George: You see? We were made for each other. (Thinking to himself) It's amazing. If I reach out and touch her breast right not, she'd scream and throw me out of the car. But at this time tomorrow, I could touch it all I want.
Jane: What's your favorite?
George: Potussan. Ever try it with club soda?
Jane: No.
George: Oh, very refreshing. (Thinking again) Sex is like joining a private club. I'll be the same me tomorrow, but suddenly, the no trespassing sign will be gone.
Jane: Are we almost there?
George: Yeah, about ten, fifteen minutes. But I have to stop at a vegetable stand.
Jane: What for?
George: My mother loves Hampton tomatoes. She's nuts for Hampton tomatoes.
Jane: Can you buy 'em later? I really wanna get some... sun.
Kramer: Hey Jerry. Rub some lotion on my back.
Jerry: Who are you, Mrs. Robinson?
Kramer: Come on, I'll rub some on yours.
Jerry: No, that's no sweet'ning the deal. No.
George: (To Jane) You know, when I was a kid, I once found a dollar and fifty cents in change on the bottom of the pool.
Jane: (No feeling in her voice) You must've been excited.
George: Yeah. Hey, you know, I gotta go get these tomatoes. You wanna go for a ride?
Jane: I don't think so.
George: 'Kay. I'll uh, I'll see you later. Anybody want some tomatoes?
Jerry: No thanks.
Kramer: No. (George leaves for the tomatoes)
Jane: I'm gonna take a dip. (She leaves for beach, Elaine enters with a shady hat on)
Jerry: And then there's Maude. (She sits down next to Jerry)
Elaine: Look at my face, look at it. You see any lines?
Jerry: No lines.
Elaine: You know why? One word shade.
Jerry: So when are we gonna see this baby? When is the momentous event?
Elaine: I don't know. They're takin' a nap or something.
Kramer: I'm gonna go see if there are any girls on the beach. Elaine, you wanna come?
Elaine: (Sarcastic) No thanks. I got plenty of girlfriends.
Jerry: (Looking toward beach) Oh this is interesting.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: Jane's topless. (They all look)
Kramer: Yo yo ma.
Jerry: Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
Elaine: Nice rack. (Carol and Michael inside open back door)
Carol: Come on, you guys. You can come and see the bay-bee!
Jerry: Oh, in a minute, Carol.
Kramer: We're gonna be right there.
Jerry: This is weird wild stuff. George hasn't even seen her yet.
Elaine: Why do you think we're getting the sneak preview?
Kramer: Maybe she's trying to create a buzz.
Elaine: What?
Kramer: You know, get some good word of mouth goin'.
Jerry: Oh, here she comes. (They pretend to not have watched as Jane enters)
Jane: I'm thirsty. Anyone want a drink?
Jerry: No thanks.
Elaine: I'm good.
Kramer: Deh-deh-deh-deh- (Jane exits) All right, show's over. I'm goin' to the beach.
Carol: Adam (the baby's name), Jerry and Elaine are here.
Elaine: Oh, he's a cute little shnugly baby.
Carol: Isn't he gorgeous? (Elaine looks at baby, only to be frightened and turn away)
Elaine: Ugghh.
Carol: Is she gorgeous? (Elaine and Jerry looking away)
Elaine: Oh, gorgeous, yes.
Jerry: So very gorgeous.
Carol: Michael, shut the door! You're letting bugs in.
Jerry: Is it me or was that the ugliest baby you have ever seen?
Elaine: Uh, I couldn't look. It was like the Pekinese.
Jerry: Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool. (They sit) And, you know, the thing is, they're never gonna know, no one's ever gonna tell them.
Elaine: Oh, you have to lie.
Jerry: It's a must lie situation.
Elaine: Yes, it's a must lie situation.
Jerry: You know, I don't think we should tell George we saw Jane topless.
Elaine: No, I don't think so.
Jerry: In fact remind me to tell Kramer too.
Kramer: Oooh, lobsters.
Ben: Oh this ointment should do it.
Carol: How are you feeling, Adam? (She sees Elaine in the hall) Elaine! (Elaine enters) This is our pediatrician, Ben Feffa.
Elaine: Hi.
Carol: Look at him, Elaine. How gorgeous is he? I ask you, how gorgeous?
Elaine: (Looking at Ben) Pretty gorgeous.
Ben: Elaine, you have children?
Elaine: Me? Oh no, but I'd love to have a baby, I mean, I can't wait to have a baby. I'm just dyin' to have a baby.
Ben: A beautiful woman like you should. You're quite breathtaking.
Elaine: Breathtaking? I'm breathtaking?
Carol: And he's very particular. Ben, you're staying tonight, right?
Ben: Uh, Sure. (Elaine celebrates to herself as Jerry enters and quickly looks away from the baby)
Jerry: Ah, I'm gonna go pick up Rachel at the station.
Elaine: Yeah, see ya.
Jerry: Okay. (He leaves)
Carol: Oh, just look at him!
Ben: Yeah, he really is breathtaking. (Elaine confused by his comment)
Rachel: Train was so crowded. I had to sit in the seat facing the wrong way.
Jerry: Oh I like that. It's like going back in time. (George comes outside)
George: Hey Rachel!
Rachel: (Quickly gets out of seat) Hi. I'm gonna go in there to change.
George: What kind of a greeting was that?
Jerry: She's got greeting problems.
George: Yeah. I love Hampton tomatoes. You know, you can eat 'em like apples. You know it's funny, the tomato never really took on as a hand fruit.
Jerry: Well, the tomato's an anomaly. So successful with the ketchup and the sauce, but you can't find a good one. (Kramer enters with a box of lobster)
Kramer: Hey, hey, hey! Look at what I got!
George: Hey! Wow, the K-Man! (They walk into the kitchen inside)
Jerry: You got lobster for everybody?
Kramer: Yeah, and they're fresh! Right out of the ocean.
George: This is fantastic. Man, what a weekend. Swimming, lobster for dinner...
Kramer: I know, it's great. And I saw Jane topless. (Jerry shows that 'damn' expression behind George)
George: You saw who, what?
Kramer: Yeah, I saw Jane topless. Well, we all saw her.
Jerry: (Jerry realizes the situation is hopeless) All right.
George: You saw Jane topless?
Jerry: Well, when you went for the tomatoes she lied out topless.
George: Oh you mean face down on her chest.
Jerry: No.
George: Face up on her back?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Well why'd she do that?
Kramer: I guess she was hot.
George: You mean she just laid there topless?
Kramer: No, no, she got up, she walked around...
George: Walked around? And you looked?
Kramer: Of course. She's got a great body, buddy. All right, I'm gonna go upstairs, I'll be right back.
George: I can't believe that you saw her before me.
Jerry: Think of me as a doctor. (They go outside again)
George: Well, how good a look did you get?
Jerry: Well what'd you mean?
George: Well, if she was a criminal and you had to describe her to a police sketch artist...
Jerry: They'd pick her up in about ten minutes.
George: Great, great. So anytime you want you can just visualize her naked.
Jerry: (looking of into the distance) I guess that's true...
George: Stop it, stop it! It's not fair. It's not fair. I don't like this situation, Jerry. I don't like it one bit.
Jerry: What do you want me to do? You wanna see Rachel naked?
George: Yes, yes! The punishment should fit the crime.
Jerry: You can see me naked. I can offer you that.
George: It's like I'm Neil Armstrong. I turn around for a sip of Tang and you jump out first.
Elaine: Nobody ever called me breathtaking before.
Jerry: I've never been called breathtaking either.
Elaine: I mean, if he thinks that that baby's breathtaking, then who's not breathtaking?
Jerry: Maybe he just said it because the mother was in the room.
Elaine: Yeah, right, that's a possibility. I have to find out.
Jerry: How are you gonna do that?
Elaine: I can be very clever.
Rachel: I'm gonna take a swim.
Elaine: Oh, me too. I'll meet you down. (She goes in the hall and sees George) Oh, don't go in, Rachel's getting undressed.
George: Oh, okay. (Starts to walk other way and then walks to their room and goes in)
Rachel: Hey!
George: Oh, sorry.
Rachel: Don't you knock?
George: I'm sorry, uh, it's not like I'm gonna see something I've never seen before.
Jerry: You might have.
George: I didn't.
Jerry: You won't.
Rachel: What'd you want anyway, George?
Jerry: Yes, George. I'm kind of wondering myself. What is it what you want?
George: No, I was just wondering... if you guys, uh, had any gum.
Jerry: Oh! So you were swimming in the pool, and you wanted some gum.
George: Yes, because the water was cold... and the chewing warms me up.
Rachel: We don't have any gum.
George: Okay. (Chewing) Thanks anyway. (Continues to chew as he exits)
Rachel: Strange man.
Jerry: Wait'll you get to know him.
Rachel: So where is this baby, anyway?
Jerry: Oh, check it out. I guarantee you've never seen anything quite so objectionable. It's down the hall, third door on your left. (Rachel walks down hall, walks in on George changing out of his swimsuit)
Rachel: (She screams) Oh my God! I'm sorry, I thought this was the baby's room. I'm really sorry. (She exits)
George: (realizing he was short changed) I was in the pool! I was in the pool!
George: Did she do it on purpose?
Jerry: It was my fault, I told her the wrong door.
George: I was supposed to see her. She wasn't supposed to see me.
Jerry: So what?
George: Well ordinarily I wouldn't mind. But...
Jerry: But...
George: Well I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water was cold...
Jerry: Oh... You mean... shrinkage.
George: Yes. Significant shrinkage.
Jerry: So you feel you were short changed.
George: Yes! I mean, if she thinks that's me she's under a complete misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me.
Jerry: Well, so what's the difference?
George: What if she discusses it with Jane?
Jerry: Oh, she's not gonna tell Jane.
George: How do you know?
Jerry: Women aren't like us.
George: They're worse! They're much worse than us, they talk about everything! Couldn't you at least tell her about the shrinkage factor?
Jerry: No, I'm not gonna tell her about your shrinkage. Besides, I think women know about shrinkage.
George: How do women know about shrinkage?
Jerry: Isn't it common knowledge?
George & Jerry: (Elaine walking down the hall they notice her and wave her into the room) Elaine! Get! (She enters)
George: Do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: What do you mean, like laundry?
George: No.
Jerry: Like when a man goes swimming... afterwards...
Elaine: It shrinks?
Jerry: Like a frightened turtle!
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
George: It just does.
Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
Michael: Thanks for the lobster, Kramer.
Kramer: Rachel, aren't you gonna have any?
Rachel: Oh, no, I can't. I'm kosher, we don't eat shellfish.
Kramer: You mean you've never tasted lobster?
Rachel: No.
Kramer: Wow. You're so pious. I really respect that. You know when you die, you're gonna get some special attention.
Carol: Oh, the baby's crying. I'll go get him. He can sit with us.
Elaine & Jerry: No!
Jerry: No, you don't wanna do that. You'll be uncomfortable.
Elaine: Yeah, finish eating. The baby's not gonna have any fun over here. We're-We're not fun for a baby.
Jerry: Yeah, the lobster'll scare him.
Carol: I'm gonna get him.
George: See, look at this. (wearing a very tight shirt) Rachel, my T-shirt shrunk. It used to be much bigger, and now it shrunk. You see, that's what water does. It shrinks things.
Elaine: Really? Tell us more, Mr. Science. (Rachel whispers in Jane's ear, which prompts Jane to laugh)
George: What're you doing? What're you, telling secrets? What're you laughing at?
Jane: It's nothing, George.
George: You know, it's very impolite to tell secrets. Are you talking about me?
Jane: What is it with you?
Jerry: (To George) Easy big fella.
Michael: So Kramer, where'd you get all these lobster, at the Fleesher's Market?
Kramer: No, I got 'em in the ocean.
Michael: The ocean? What'd you mean?
Kramer: Well, I found this rope and I kept tugging on it, and all these lobsters came up.
Michael: Those are commercial lobster traps. You can't take those lobsters from there. That's against the law.
Kramer: Take it easy. There's plenty of lobsters in the ocean for everyone.
Michael: My father was a lobsterman. He got up every morning at four and came home every night stinking of brine! He sent me through law school with the lobsters he caught! (Kramer stands up from table)
Carol: (Entering with baby) Here he is.
Kramer: Ahhh! (Shocked after seeing the baby)
Elaine: Some night, huh?
Ben: Yeah, I wish I had my telescope.
Elaine: Some dinner, huh?
Ben: Nothing like fresh caught lobster.
Elaine: Some house, huh?
Ben: It was built by Mark Fargman. He build a lot of these homes here.
Elaine: Some ugly baby, huh?
Ben: What did you say?
Elaine: (improvising) I said, uh, some snuggly baby.
Ben: He is something.
Elaine: Well, to tell you the truth, Dr. Feffa, I , I was surprised to hear you use a word like breathtaking to describe a baby, I mean, because you also used it referring to me.
Ben: Well, you know Elaine, sometimes you say things just to be nice. (Elaine relieved, then confused, not knowing if he was being nice to her or to the baby)
Jerry: You told her?
Rachel: Yeah, what's the big deal?
Jerry: You don't understand. This organ, it's very... schizophrenic.
Rachel: Jerry, what the difference? You know, you're the ones obsessed with this stuff, not us. I'm sure it wouldn't matter to Jane.
George: You're going back to New York now?
Jane: Yeah, I have some things to do.
George: Uh huh. Uh huh! I think you spoke to your little friend Rachel, that's what I think.
Jane: So what if I did?
George: And she didn't say something to you about a certain something?
Jane: I don't know what you're talking about.
George: *I* think that *you* think that a certain *something* is not all that it could be, when in fact it is is all that it *should* be, and *more*!
Jane: (patronizing George) I'm sure it is.
George: Look, you don't understand. There was shrinkage.
Kramer: You looking for this? (Holding up lobster)
Rachel: Oh, Kramer! You startled me.
Kramer: Well, I thought you might wind up around here.
Rachel: Yeah, well, I couldn't stop thinking about how everyone was enjoying the lobster so much an' well I thought I little taste wouldn't hurt, huh?
Kramer: No I'm afraid I couldn't do that.
Rachel: Why not?
Kramer: Well, that wouldn't be kosher.
Rachel: C'mon, Kramer. I really want to try it.
Kramer: Nah, I'm sorry, honey. Not on my watch.
Rachel: Come on, Kramer.
Kramer: Heyahhh!
Rachel: I just heard a car drive out. What was that?
Jerry: Oh, that's just Jane driving home to New York in the middle of the night. (Rachel shocked)
Carol: George, thanks so much for making breakfast.
Elaine: George, these are the best scrambled eggs I've ever tasted.
Kramer: Ya I didn't know you could cook.
George: Well, I'm just expressing my gratitude to our gracious host.
Ben: Yes, George, the whole breakfast is breathtaking. (hearing this Elaine looks at him extremely annoyed)
Rachel: Good morning.
All: Hey, hey. Morning
Rachel: Kramer, I just want to thank you again for last night, you really saved me.
Michael: What happened?
Rachel: Well, I almost tried the lobster, but Kramer stopped me.
Kramer: Well I knew you'd regret it for the rest of your life.
Rachel: You're right, I would have.
Jerry: (Referring to George) Hey, look at this guy.
George: A little breakfast.
Jerry: Yeah.
George: (To Rachel) And, uh, you eat eggs, right?
Rachel: Yes, I do. Thank you.
Jerry: Geez, these are delicious. Where did you learn to make eggs like this?
Rachel: Umm... This is so good.
George: Ah, enjoying them?
Rachel: Mm-hmm.
George: Uh, good. You know, you might wanna try eating it with one of these. (Holds up lobster bib)
Rachel: There's lobster in these eggs?
George: Not that much. You know, they tend to shrink in the water.
Jerry: Well, I guess I gotta go, too.
Elaine: Well, this has turned out to be one *helluva* weekend. (Policeman knocks on door, Michael answers)
Michael: Excuse me?
Police: I'm sorry to bother you, but we're trying to track down a lobster poacher that uh cleaned out on of the traps.
Kramer: Wonder what's goin' on.
George: Ah, I guess I should go up and apologize.
Michael: There he is, officer. (Michael points to Kramer, Kramer waves to policeman)
Rachel: Ahh! Don't you ever knock?
George: I don't know why Rachel had to drive back with Michael and Carol.
Elaine: Hey, if you saw me naked, I wouldn't want to ride back in the same car with you either.
Jerry: I still can't believe Michael finked on Kramer.
Elaine: How is he gonna pay off a thousand dollar fine?
Jerry: They got some sort of program.
George: Hey, there's a tomato stand, let's stop, I can get some more.
Jerry: Hey, isn't that Michael's car?
Elaine: There's Rachel.
George: Where? (He looks out window and gets hit by a tomato)


Mr. Lippman: To your promotion.
Elaine: Oh, thank you! (They drink) Mmm, Oh, thank you, Mr Lippman, I can't tell you how much I appreciate this. I mean, of course I deserve it.
Mr. Lippman: Well, you're really on your way now.
Elaine: You really oughtta do something about that cold.
Jerry: You got a raise?
Elaine: I don't fool around, (banging on the table) baby!
Jerry: I thought you said Pendant was in financial trouble.
Elaine: They were, but they're being absorbed by Matsushimi, that big Japanese conglomerate.
Jerry: Oh, when did that happen?
Elaine: They're signing the papers next week.
Jerry: Does this mean they're gonna be publishing Kramer's coffee table book?
Elaine: Yeah, they'll definitely do it now.
Jerry: Boy, you're on quite a streak. Job promotion, plus you're back with Jake Jarmal.
Elaine: Yeah, it's gettin' serious, we're talking about moving in together.
Jerry: Boy, you really got it all, I'm sure Helen "Girlie" Brown would be very proud of you.
Jerry: Speaking of having it all ... Where were you?
George: I went to the beach. (Jerry and Elaine exchange looks)
Jerry: Oh, the beach.
George: It's not working, Jerry. It's just not working. (sits down next to Elaine)
Jerry: What is it that isn't working?
George: Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. (Elaine turns showing disagreement) Oh, maybe not academically speaking, (Elaine nods correct) I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party.
Jerry: (pointing to napkins; to Elaine) Could I get napkin over there?
George: It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat ... It's all been wrong. (chuckles) Everywhere.
Waitress : Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.
George: Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, un-toasted with a side of potato salad ... and a cup of tea. (laughs)
Elaine: Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.
Jerry: You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, 'cuz salmon swim against the current, (hand motion of the salmon swimming against the current) and the tuna swim with it. (hand motion of the tuna swimming with it)
George: (annoyed) Good for the tuna.
Elaine: Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.
George: So what? What am I supposed to do?
Elaine: Go talk to her.
George: Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.
Jerry: Well here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.
George: Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.
Jerry: If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
George: Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something!
George: Excuse me, uh I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.
Victoria: Oh, yes I was, you just ordered the same exact lunch as me.
George: My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
Victoria: I'm Victoria. Hi.
Jerry: (on the phone) Are you kidding? They can't cancel that show on me now, it's too late for me to book anything else for that weekend. Alright, alright ... okay, bye. (hangs up the phone)
Kramer: Hey. Buddy, it's all happening!
Jerry: What's happening?
Kramer: The coffee table book. It's a go-oo!
Jerry: Oh yeah, I heard all about it.
Kramer: You know what this means? I'm starting the book tour. First stop Regis and Kathy Lee.
Jerry: You're going on Regis and Kathy Lee?
Kramer: Oh, you better believe it!
Jerry: I'll loan you my puffy shirt.
Kramer: No, no, no.
Jerry: What're you gonna talk about?
Kramer: Well, coffee tables.
Jerry: Hello? What? Yeah, sure, I'll do it. I just had something cancelled the same weekend. Ok. Great. Bye. (hangs up the phone; turns to Kramer) You know, life is amazing. I just lost a job and five minutes later get another, same weekend, same money.
Kramer: You know who you are? Even Steven
Victoria: Are you growing a beard?
George: Why shave every day? It just grows right back.
Victoria: I guess ...
George: I'm afraid I'm just not interested in how I present myself. If those kind of superficialities are important to you, this probably isn't gonna work.
Victoria: Hey watch, he just cut you off! Did you see that?!
George: Take it easy. Take it easy. It's not the end of the world.
Man #1 : Hey baby, how about a little tongue action, huh?
Man #2 : Yeah, stick your tongue down his throat!
Victoria: What are we gonna do? Should we just move?
George: That won't be necessary.
George: Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie! And if I have to tell you again, we're gonna take it outside and I'm gonna show you what it's like! You understand me? Now, shut your mouths or I'll shut 'em for ya, and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because I would love it!
Victoria: Are you sure you don't wanna come up, I mean, it's only nine thirty.
George: I don't think we should. We really don't know each other very well.
Victoria: Who are you, George Costanza?
George: I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met.
Theater Manager: Excuse me, is your name Elaine?
Elaine: Yes.
Theater Manager: Were you suposed to meet a Jake Jarmal here?
Elaine: Yeah.
Theater Manager: Well, I'm afraid he's been in an accident.
Elaine: (gasp) An accident? What happened?
Theater Manager: Well-he got side-swiped by a cab, but he's alright. He's in St.Vincent Hospital, room 907.
Elaine: Oh. Ok. Thank you.
Elaine: Could I have a box of Jujyfruits?
Counterperson: (handing the Jujyfruits to Elaine) There you go.
Jake: So, then, you know, the light was clearly green, I started walking, he skidded and he went right into my hip.
Elaine: (With her mouth full of Jujyfruit) Oh, that is so terrible. That is so terrible, Jake. I mean, how can people be so stupid? Just sickening.
Elaine: You want one?
Jake: No thanks.
Elaine: So when do you think you're gonna get outta here?
Jake: Where did you get those?
Elaine: At the movies.
Jake: Didn't the theater manager give you the message before you went in?
Elaine: Yeah, he did.
Jake: Then when did you get those?
Elaine: Right after ... that ...
Jake: So you heard that I was in a car accident, and then decided to stop off for some Jujyfruit?
Elaine: Well... the counter...was right there, and...
Jake: I would think, under the circumstances, it would have sent you running out the building. Apparently, it didn't have any effect on you.
Elaine: No, no, it does!
Jake: (angry) If you got into a car accident, I can guarantee you I wouldn't stop for Jujyfruit!
Elaine: But...Jake...
Jake: I would like to be alone now, please.
Elaine: But, Jake, I didn't...
Jake: Goodnight!
Poker Player #1: Ah, whaddya say we call it a night?
Poker Player #2: Good idea, I'm kinda tired.
Poker Player #3: How'd you do?
Poker Player #4: Won 50.
Poker Player #2: Lost 72.
Poker Player #1: Won 37.
Poker Player #3: Lost 15.
Jerry: (shocked) Broke even.
Regis: Can I bring out our next guest now?
Kathy Lee: Please, please.
Regis: Young guy, he's got a new book coming out, and it's about, and this is the best part -
Kathy Lee: I love this.
Regis: It's a coffee table book about coffee tables! (holds the book up for the audience)
Kathy Lee: Yeah. Is that clever? I think that is so clever!
Regis: I think so too. Did you get to meet him back stage?
Kathy Lee: I did.
Regis: I mean, he looks like a fun guy, doesn't he?
Kathy Lee: I love his hair.
Regis: Yeah, oh, I do too. This guy could be a little bonkos. Really. Anyway, if you will, would you please welcome Kramer!
Regis: (shaking Kramer's hand) Hello, Kramer is here.
Kathy Lee: I don't know, maybe it's the hair or something!
Regis: Ah, well, yes Kramer. So, a coffee table book about coffee tables. Where did you come up with this idea?
Kramer: Yeah, well, ah, I'll tell you, uh Regis... actually, this is a true story. I umm I was skiing at the time.
Regis: You know, when I'm skiing, Kramer, I'm trying not to kill myself, you're writing books!
Kramer: Yeah, well, now you kids don't go out and try that. You stay in school!
Kathy Lee: Have you always had an interest in coffee tables, because, really, I-I love coffee tables, and I-I thought I was the only one.
Kramer: You see the beauty of my book is, if you don't have a coffee table, it turns into a coffee table.
Kathy Lee: Is that fabulous?
Regis: Look at this!
Kathy Lee: Is that fabulous?
Regis: Fabulous!
Kathy Lee: I want one of these.
Regis: Did I tell you this guy was bonkos?
Kathy Lee: This coffee table (book) is full of pictures of celebrities' coffee tables.
Kramer: That's true. That's right.
Regis: Yeah? Well, I'm not in there. Where's mine?
Kramer: Oh, it's on file, right here. (points to his head)
Regis: I'm tellin' ya, this guy's bonkos! He really is!
Kathy Lee: But he's adorable.
Regis: Ya he is, he's a nice looking guy.
Kathy Lee: It's all over my dress.
Regis: We'll be right back in a moment.
Jerry: So it's all over?
Elaine: Yeah, it got pretty nasty.
Jerry: And what did you go back for? Jujyfruit?
Elaine: It's not like I went across the street. I bought the Jujyfruit and I got in a cab.
Jerry: Why didn't you eat it in the cab?
Elaine: Because I got popcorn too, and I ate that first.
Elaine: What's all this?
Jerry: Played cards last night.
Elaine: Oh yeah? How'd you do?
Jerry: Broke even.
Elaine: You always break even.
Jerry: Yeah, I know; like yesterday I lost a job, and then I got another one, and then I missed a TV show, and later on they re-ran it. And then today I missed a train, went outside and caught a bus. It never fails! I always even out!
Elaine: Do you have twenty bucks?
Jerry: What for?
Elaine: Just gimme twenty bucks.
Jerry: (shocked) What the hell was that?
Elaine: Let's see if you get the twenty bucks back.
Jerry: You know you could've thrown a pencil out the window and seen if that came back.
Elaine: You know, things were going so good for me, you know, I got the job promotion, we were talking about moving in together -
Jerry: Well, maybe next time someone's in a car accident you won't stop off for candy first.
George: Hey, I just found twenty dollars! I tell you this, something is happening in my life. I did this opposite thing last night. Up was down, black was white, good was -
Jerry: Bad.
George: Day was -
Elaine: Night.
George: Yes!
Jerry: So you just did the opposite of everything?
George: Yes. And listen to this, listen to this; her uncle works for the Yankees and he's gonna get me a job interview. A front office kind of thing. Assistant to the traveling secretary. A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgment I have had. This is no longer just some crazy notion. Elaine, Jerry, this is my religion.
Jerry: So I guess your Messiah would be the Anti-Christ.
George: Yes funny (laughs; hand clap) let's go.
Jerry: Elaine ... look! A twenty!
Elaine: (not wanting to believe it) Oh my God.
Kramer: Hey boss.
Mr. Lippman: Kramer. Come in.
Kramer: How're you doin' there, big guy? (Puts his arm around the tobacco store Indian)
Mr. Lippman: Uh, Ya, Have a seat.
Kramer: Al-righty (sits down) Have you got yourself a cold?
Kramer: Woah, that's quite a honk!
Mr. Lippman: Ya, thank you.
Kramer: Get yourself some vitamin C with rose hips and bioflavenoids.
Mr. Lippman: The reason I asked you in here, is I-I caught your appearance on uh "Regis and Kathy Lee" the other day and -
Kramer: Ya that was pretty good, huh?
Mr. Lippman: An-Anyway, the thinking here is that it would be best i-if you uh didn't do any more of these shows.
Kramer: Because of the coffee thing?
Mr. Lippman: Kramer, I'm sorry.
Kramer: What about "Sonia Live"? Now you're not cancelling "Sonia Live"?
Mr. Lippman: It's out -
Kramer: She's a doctor, I got a thing for her.
Mr. Lippman: Kra-Kramer, I -
Mr. Cushman: Why don't you tell me about some of your previous work experience?
George: Alrighty. Ah ... my last job was in publishing ... I uh got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman.
Mr. Cushman: Go on.
George: Ah, Alright, before that, I was in real estate. I quit, because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it.
Mr. Cushman: Do you talk to everybody like this?
George: Of course.
Mr. Cushman: My niece told me you were different.
George: I am different, yeah.
Mr. Cushman: I gotta tell ya, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. (gets out of his chair) Ah, Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. (George gets up and goes over) This is Mr. Costanza. He's one of the applicants.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.
George: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!
Mr. Steinbrenner: Hire this man!
Secretary: Tina Robbins is here to see you.
Man: Who's that?
Elaine: Ah, it's my ex-roommate, she moved out four years ago, I-I've been sub-letting my apartment from her.
Man: Alright, see ya. (Meets Tina in the door) Hey.
Tina: Please.
Elaine: Hi Tina.
Tina: Hi Elaine.
Elaine: So, I haven't seen you in a while.
Tina: Elaine, we have a problem.
Elaine: Well, what is it?
Tina: You're getting kicked out.
Elaine: Kicked out?! Why?!
Tina: Well, there's been a number of complaints.
Elaine: Yeah? Like what?
Tina: Well, like last Thanksgiving you buzzed up a jewel thief.
Elaine: Ah, I didn't know who he was!
Tina: That's why there's a buzzer.
Elaine: What else?
Tina: Well, apparently, the week after that, you buzzed up some Jehova's Witnesses and they couldn't get them out of the building.
Elaine: What else have you got?
Tina: Well, let's see. (Takes out a list from her bag)
Jerry: I'll tell you what the big advantage of homosexuality is. If you're going out with someone your size, right there you double your wardrobe.
Rachel: I suppose...
Jerry: Oh, come on, that's a huge feature. When they approach a new recruit, I'm sure that's one of the big selling points.
Rachel: (sighs) Jerry ...
Jerry: Yes?
Rachel: I've been doing a lot of thinking.
Jerry: Uh huh?
Rachel: Well, I don't think we should see each other any more.
Jerry: Oh, that's okay.
Rachel: (confused) What?
Jerry: Nah, that's fine. No problem. I'll meet somebody else.
Rachel: You will?
Jerry: Sure. See, things always even out for me.
Rachel: Huh?
Jerry: It's fine. Anyway, it's been really nice dating you for a while. And uh good luck!
Rachel: Yeah, you too.
Jerry: (leaving; singing) She'll be coming around the mountain...
Jerry: The New York Yankees?!
George: The New York Yankees!
Jerry: Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Costanza?
George: I'm the assistant to the travelling secretary. I'm going on the road trips with 'em! I'll be on the plane... I'm working in Yankee Stadium! This is a dream, I'm busting, Jerry, I'm busting!
Jerry: I can't believe it.
George: Ya!
Jerry: Ya?
Elaine: (on buzzer) It's me.
Jerry: (buzzes Elaine up) Come on up.
George: And I'm moving out of my parents' house, I'm taking that apartment on 86th street, remember the one we saw?
Jerry: That's a great place!
George: I'm back in business, baby!
Jerry: George, I wouldn't get too excited about this stuff, you know, things have a way of evening out.
George: Hey! (to Elaine, who doesn't look too cheerful)
Jerry: Hi Elaine.
Elaine: Hi.
Jerry: How're things going?
Elaine: How're things going? You wanna know how things are going? I'll tell you how things are going. I am getting kicked out of my apartment!
Jerry: Why? Why are they doing that?
Elaine: I don't know! They have a list of grievances.
Jerry: The jewel thief?
Elaine: Yeah, the jewel thief.
Jerry: What else?
Elaine: I put Canadian quarters in the washing machine. (disappointed) I gotta be out by the end of the month.
George: Well, you could move in with my parents. (chuckles)
Elaine: Was that the ... opposite ... of what you were going to say, or was that just your natural instinct? (She squeezes George's mouth between her fingers)
George: Instinct.
Elaine: Stick ... with the opposite. (Slaps George on the forehead)
Jerry: Elaine, don't get too down. Everything'll even out, see, I have two friends, you were up, (has his one hand up and his other hand down) he was down. Now he's up, (switches the positioning of his hands) you're down. You see how it all evens out for me?
Secretary: Mr. Lippman, the people from Matsushimi are here.
Mr. Lippman: Oh ya alright... tell them I'll be right there. (tosses his handkerchief on Elaine's desk so he can tie his shoe) Oh man well, this is it, Elaine. You know, without this merger, we'd be out on the street. Boy, they sure saved us.
Elaine: (noticing the forgotten handkerchief tries to stop call for Mr. Lippman with a mouth full of jujifruit) Oh, Mr. Lippman you forgot your handkerchief. Mr. Lippman, you forgot your handkerchief. It's on my desk.
Chairman: (noticing Mr. Lippman in the hallway) Ah Lippman son. (Lippman smiles and is forced to enter his office) Lippman son. (speaks some Japanese)
Interpreter: Mr Lippman, it is with great pride that we undertake this partnership with your company.
Mr. Lippman: I ... I'm sorry, I can't shake your hand right now. It's germs.
Jerry: Is that the end of it?
George: Yeah, it's the last one.
Jerry: Alright.
Estelle: I can't believe you're moving out. (Grabs Kramer) Kramer, is this true? Is it really happening? It's ... it's like a dream.
Kramer: Oh, it's true.
George: Alright, let's go.
Frank: Don't get in trouble with the Yankees. You be nice. (Slaps George's forehead)
George: I'm not gonna be nice. That's how I got the job.
Estelle: Jerry, did you hear this?
Jerry: He knows what he's doing.
George: I just want the both of you to know how much you mean to me, and I love you both very, very much.
Jerry: Opposite.
Elaine: I must've had at least eight in my mouth. I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk!
Jerry: Why'd you have to eat so many?
Elaine: Because they're Jujyfruit. I like them. I didn't know it would start a chain reaction that would lead to the end of Pendant Publishing.
Jerry: Not to mention the end of Kramer's coffee table book.
Kramer: Yeah, you knew he had a cold. How'd you expect him to blow his nose? YEA!
Elaine: Do you know what's going on here? Can't you see what's happened? I've become George.
Jerry: Don't say that.
Elaine: It's true. I'm George! I'm George!
George: Greetings, people. Greetings. Greetings and salutations. What a beautiful day for a ball game. Let's play two! (Sits down, says to waitress ) Oh, I'll have the chicken salad on rye, my usual, you know what I get, darlin'. (Turns to the Gang) So, let's see, I had a little conversation today with Mr Don Mattingly - (to Elaine) he's the first base man.
Elaine: Uh huh.
George: We talked about his new batting stance, you know, I'm not crazy about it, but I said , 'Donny, go with it 'till it stops workin'.' Donny baseball. He's a helluva guy.
Kramer: Wait, wait, wait, that's too much. Mine was more than yours.
Jerry: Ah ... let's call it even.


George: O.K., Danny, take a swing. (Tartabull swings the bat.) N-No! No! No! You're opening up your shoulder.
Tartabull: Really?
George: No, not really. I'm just saying this to you because I like to hear myself talk. Yes, really!
Tartabull (Wiping Sweat From His Brow): Alright, alright.
George: What are all sweatin' for?
Tartabull: It's hot in this uniform.
George: Hot? (Feels Tartabull's material.) What is this?
Tartbull: What is what?
George: This uniform, what's it made from?
Tartbull: I don't know, cotton?
George: No. This is not cotton. Here, lemme see. (Tries to look at the tag on the uniform. Tartabull gets creeped out and resists.) Will you stop it? (Looks at the tag.) Oh. Of course. Polyester!
Tartabull: So?
George: I can't believe you're not playing in cotton.
Tartabull: Well, this is what they give us.
George: You know they used to make leisure suits out of this fabric?
Tartabull: You really think cotton's better?
George: Of course! Alright, maybe I'll say something to Buck.
Tartabull: Yeah, good idea. Catch ya later. (Leaves.)
George: Hey, don't embarrass me today. I got some friends in the stands. (George makes a swinging motion with an imaginary bat and pulls something in his back.)
Hot Dog Vendor: Hot dogs here! Yankee franks!
Elaine: Oh, you want one?
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: I'll get it. (Reaches in her bag for money.)
Jerry: That's alright, I got it.
Elaine: Jerry!
Jerry: Elaine, stop it.
Elaine: Hey, just because I'm not working doesn't mean I haven't got any money. (To vendor) Yo! Dogs! Two!
Jerry: I'm sorry.
Announcer On P.A. System: Your attention please...the New York Yankees would like to welcome Miss Connecticut, Miss Rhode Island and Miss North Dakota, all of whom will be competing in the Miss America pageant this weekend in Atlantic City. (The three contestants make their way to their seats, right across the aisle from Jerry and Elaine.)
Jerry (To Elaine): Now, there's a career path you may have overlooked.
Elaine: Ooh, I gotta check my machine. I'm waiting to hear about an interview. Doubleday is looking for somebody to replace Jackie Onassis.
Jerry: Oh, she worked at Doubleday...?
Elaine: Yeah, she was an editor.
Jerry: Right, just like you.
Elaine: Yeah. Can you hold my seat? (Elaine gets up.)
Crowd: Hey! Down in front! (Elaine clambers over Jerry and exits.)
Jerry (Offers A Hot Dog To Miss Rhode Island): Hot dog?
Miss Rhode Island: No, thanks. I'm watching my weight.
Jerry: Ah. I'm watching my height. My doctor doesn't want me to get any taller. So you're Miss, uh...
Miss Rhode Island: Rhode Island.
Jerry: I was almost Mr. Coffee. They felt I was a little too relaxed. (Miss Rhode Island laughs.)
George: Miss Rhode Island? When are you seeing her?
Jerry: Tonight. I have to call her, she's staying in a hotel.
George: You're incredible.
Jerry: And get this - I'm working in Atlantic City this weekend, and she's going to be down there for the pageant.
George: What if she becomes Miss America? You could be dating Miss America, Jerry!
Jerry: The only bad thing is, we have to go out with a chaperone.
George: Chaperone? What, are you kidding?
Jerry: No, it's part of the contest rules.
George: What does the chaperone do?
Jerry: I don't know, she just sits there.
George: Can she talk?
Jerry: I'm not sure if she's allowed to talk. (Picks up the phone and dials.)
George: You're calling her?
Jerry: Yeah. (sings) There she is...Miss - yes, room 417 please? Karen Hanson?
George: Hey, did you know that the Yankees don't wear cotton jerseys?
Jerry: Of course, they're polyester.
George: Well, what is that? That's a crime! Do you know how hot those things get? They should be wearing cotton.
Jerry: Why do they wear polyester?
George: I don't know. That's all gonna change.
Jerry: You're going to do something about it?
George: Why shouldn't I?
Jerry (Doubtfully): No reason...
Landis: Of course, Jackie O. was a great lady. Those are going to be some tough shoes to fill. Everyone loved her. She had such...grace.
Elaine (Gushing): Yes! Grace!
Landis: Not many people have grace.
Elaine: Well, you know, grace is a tough one. I like to think I have a little grace...not as much as Jackie -
Landis: You can't have "a little grace." You either have grace, or you...don't.
Elaine: O.K., fine, I have...no grace.
Landis: And you can't acquire grace.
Elaine: Well, I have no intention of "getting" grace.
Landis: Grace isn't something you can pick up at the market.
Elaine (Fed Up): Alright, alright, look - I don't have grace, I don't want grace...I don't even say grace, O.K.?
Landis: Thank you for coming in.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, right.
Landis: We'll make our choice in a few days, and we'll let you know.
Elaine (Stands Up): I have no chance, do I?
Landis: No. (They shake hands.)
Landis'S Intercom: Justin Pitt to see you.
Elaine: Justin Pitt?
Landis: He was a very close friend of Mrs. Onassis's.
Elaine: "Mrs. Onassis's"? That's hard to pronounce.
Landis: Excuse me?
Elaine: Nothing. (Mr. Pitt comes in with some papers in hand.)
Pitt: Mrs. Landis, there's something wrong with this copying machine, it's all coming out slanted. Now, I don't know if this is your department or not.
Landis: Justin Pitt, this is Elaine Benes. (Elaine turns around. With sunglasses and a scarf on her head, she bears a close resemblance to Jackie O.)
Pitt (Clearly Affected By Elaine'S Appearance): Charmed.
Elaine: I was a great admirer of Mrs. Onass-sis-sis-sis...
Jerry: Hello, Karen? It's Jerry Seinfeld. Oh, that's very sweet of you. You know, you better be careful, you don't want to get too congenial. They'll slap that "Miss Congeniality" on you, and you'll congene yourself right out of the contest. So, what time do you want to get together later? What? So what, we don't need the chaperone. (To George) The chaperone can't make it. (To Karen) Oh, you're not gonna get disqualified! So, we're not going? (Kramer enters.) Hold on one second. (To Kramer) Hey, what are you doing tonight?
Kramer: Nothin.'
Jerry: I'm going out with one of the Miss America contestants, you wanna go?
Kramer: What state?
Jerry: Rhode Island.
Kramer: They're never in contention.
George: How do you know?
Kramer: Because I've seen every Miss America pageant since I was six.
Jerry: Look, do you want to go or not? I'll buy you dinner.
Kramer: Giddy-up!
Jerry (To Karen): I think I got someone!
Pitt (Looking At Elaine And Smiling): The resemblance is uncanny. (Elaine, sipping soda through a straw, looks up with a sour expression on her face.) Even the brown eyes.
Elaine: Well, a lot of people have brown eyes.
Pitt: No, there's something else. An indefinable quality.
Elaine: Grace?
Pitt: Grace, yes.
Elaine: You think Ihave grace?
Pitt: Some grace, yes.
Elaine: Just some?
Pitt: Well, you don't want too much grace or you won't be able to stand.
Elaine (Laughing): Oh, Mr. Pitt.
Pitt: Elaine, I want you to come and work for me as my personal assistant. Now, I'll pay you the same as Pendant, but I would need you to start right away.
George: Hey, Buck. Talk to you for a second?
Showalter: Sure, George.
George: How's everything going? Everything O.K.?
Showalter: Well, all of a sudden there's a problem with Tartabull's swing...
George: Listen, Buck, I uh...obviously I don't need to talk to you about the importance of player morale, but uh...I've been talking to some of the guys, and some of them - I don't want to mention any names - but some of them...they're not too happy with the polyester uniforms.
Showalter: How so?
George: Well, they get very hot in the polyester. You know, it's not a natural fibre. I think they would prefer cotton.
Showalter: Cotton, huh?
George: Yeah. Cotton breathes, you see, it's much softer. Imagine playing games and your team is five degrees cooler than the other team. Don't you think that would be an advantage? They're cooler, they're more comfortable...they're happier - they're gonna play better.
Showalter: You may have something there, George.
George: Oh - I've got something.
Showalter (Considering): Hmm. Cotton uniforms.
Jerry: Congratulations!
Elaine: Yeah! And the best part is, I still get to look for work in publishing.
Jerry: Now, what is it that you do, exactly?
Elaine: I attend to his personal affairs.
Jerry: Like what?
Elaine: Well, like tomorrow for example, I have to uh...I have to buy him some socks.
Jerry: Really! Socks!
Elaine: Yeah. White ones. Like the ones you wear with sneakers.
Jerry: Hey, maybe you can pick me up some underwear! (Kramer enters.)
Kramer (Shows Jerry His Outfit): So, what do you think? Does this work?
Jerry: Listen...tonight, after we finish eating, you make like you got something else to do and just "recede into the night," if you know what I mean.
Kramer: No way!
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Look, if you think I'm just going to step aside and do nothing while you defile this woman, you're crazy.
Jerry: I'm not going to "defile" her!
Kramer: That's right, because I'm going to see it doesn't happen. Look, Jerry, these girls are Miss America contestants. It's every little girl's dream. And I'm not going to let you trample that dream and make a mockery of everything the pageant stands for.
Jerry: But -
Kramer (Holds Up His Hand): AAAH! No buts! Those are my rules.
Jerry: But wait a minute...
Kramer: Now, if you want to go out and have some good, wholesome fun with a nice girl, I'd be glad to help you out...if you're looking for something more than that, you've got the wrong guy, buddy! (Jerry tries to get a word in during this entire speech, but Kramer won't budge an inch.)
Kramer: If you were Miss America, what would you do to make the world a better place?
Karen: As Miss America, I would try and bring an end to world hunger. If every person sacrificed one meal a week, there would be enough to feed the whole world!
Jerry: That's a hell of a plan. (To Kramer) Listen -
Kramer (To Karen): What advice would you give young people?
Jerry: Alright, Kramer!
Kramer: This is important stuff! She's got to be able to answer these questions. She's not going to have time to think, out there, with millions of people watching her. Any hesitation could cost her the crown. You know, poise counts.
Karen: You really know a lot about this, don't you?
Kramer: Oh yeah, like last year? Miss Texas? Now, she should have won easily, but she lost points in the swimsuit competition.
Karen: Well, what could she have done?
Kramer: Tape her breasts together. (Jerry is shocked.)
Karen: What else?
Kramer: Well, take you for example. Now, you're very attractive, but you got a big waist.
Jerry: Hey, come on!
Karen: No, no...it's O.K. (To Kramer) Go on.
Kramer: Well, I'd recommend a waist cincher.
Karen: Really.
Kramer: Oh, yeah. Just - thip! - suck you in.
Jerry: I'll be right back. (Leaves the table.)
Kramer: So, what's your talent?
Karen: Magic.
Kramer: Mmm. I'm thinking of a number from one to ten.
Karen: Six.
Kramer: No, five. But you were close.
Announcer #1: And the Yankees take the field!
Announcer #2: Is it my imagination, or do the Yankees look a little different tonight? I can't put my finger on it...
Announcer #1: Well, from what I understand, they've switched to cotton uniforms.
Announcer #2: They seem blousier, softer...
Announcer #1: Well, it is a natural fibre...
Kramer: How's your evening?
Karen: Well, I'm wearing this red dress -
Kramer: Stop right there.
Karen: No good?
Kramer: Disaster.
Karen: Why?
Kramer: Well, you got brown eyes. You want to wear a green dress.
Karen: That makes sense. (The limo stops at Karen's hotel.)
Jerry: Well, here we are...
Karen: Kramer, would you consider being my personal consultant for the pageant?
Kramer: Okay. But if I'm going to do this, we play by my rules or we don't play at all.
Karen: I am in your hands. (They shake hands.) Well! Oh, good night, Jerry. (They're about to kiss, but Kramer stops them by clearing his throat.) Kenneth will take you home. (She gets out, leaving Jerry staring at Kramer with an angry expression on his face.)
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Well, if it isn't Mr. Blackwell.
Kramer: Oh, come on.
Jerry: And that waist cincher, that was the topper!
Kramer: Oh, you're poo-pooing!
Jerry: Yes, I poo-poo.
Kramer: Well, let me tell you something. I'm taking this kid to the top. To the top, Jerry! We're going for the crown, and you can't stop her!
Jerry: I don't want to stop her!
Kramer: You can't stop her, Jerry! Oh, I've seen 'em come and go, but this kid has got something! (Turns to leave.)
Jerry: Yeah, so do you. (George enters with a newspaper.)
George: Well, did you see it?
Jerry: See what?
George: The uniforms! Did you see how they played? Listen to these comments! (reads from the paper) "Wade Boggs 'What a fabric! Finally we can breathe.' Luis Palonia 'Cotton is king.' Paul O'Neill 'I never dreamed anything could be so soft and fluffy.' "
Jerry: Boy, they really do sound comfortable.
George (Noticing Jerry'S Suitcase): Hey, where ya goin'?
Jerry: I'm working in Atlantic City.
George: Really!
Jerry: Yeah. Hey, you're not working this weekend, why don't you come down?
George: Atlantic City? (thinks) Yes! Yes! I will go to Atlantic City. I'm in. I'm down.
Jerry: You know what, maybe Elaine wants to go too, lemme call her. (Picks up the phone.) She's at Mr. Pitt's, I think I got the number...
Elaine: So, what do you think?
Pitt (Pulling Up The Socks): No.
Elaine: You don't like them?
Pitt: No, I don't like them.
Elaine: What's wrong?
Pitt: They're too tight.
Elaine: Too tight?
Pitt: There's no elastic, you need to pull too much (pulls them up more).
Elaine (Examining The Socks): I think they look good!
Pitt: They're cutting off the circulation.
Elaine: Alright, well, I'll just take them back. (The phone rings.)
Pitt: Hello?
Jerry: Hi, Mr. Pitt! Is Elaine there?
Pitt (Hands The Phone To Elaine): It's for you.
Elaine: Sorry. Hello?
Jerry: Hey Elaine, it's me.
Elaine: Jerry?
Jerry: We're going to Atlantic City.
Elaine: Really? When?
Jerry: Today, right now! Are you in?
Elaine: One second, hang on. (To Mr. Pitt) Excuse me, Mr. Pitt? Would it be alright if I got you the socks tomorrow?
Pitt: Tomorrow?
Elaine: Yes.
Pitt: But I was hoping for my new socks today!
Elaine: Well, it's just one more day.
Pitt: I'm sorry. I must have them today.
Elaine (To Jerry): I can't go.
Jerry: Why not?
Elaine: Because I have to return the socks and get different ones.
Pitt: Elaine!
Elaine: I gotta go. (Hangs up.)
Kramer: No. Alright, watch me now. (Karen sits on the bed. Kramer walks across the room like a Miss America contestant with a big smile on his face.) Turn, back, head up, shoulders back...posture. You see? Posture.
Karen: Yes, I see. O.K.
Kramer: Let's try a few more questions, alright? (Karen stands up.) If you were Miss America, and the U.S. was on the brink of a nuclear war, and the only way the conflict could be averted was if you agreed to sleep with the enemy's leader, what would you do?
Karen: Kramer, are these questions really that important...?
Kramer: Yes, they're important! If you stumble, if you hesitate, you can kiss the crown goodbye. Now if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times - poise counts! It's just as important as the others. Swimsuit! Evening wear! Talent! POISE!
George: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
George: How was the show?
Jerry: Good. How was the roulette?
George: I won fifty bucks! Boy, this is great. Too bad Elaine's not here.
Jerry: Yeah, all she had to do was buy Mr. Pitt a pair of socks!
Pitt: It's good, but...
Elaine: But what??
Pitt: Ultimately I don't think they'll stay up.
Elaine (Pulling Up Pitt'S Socks): No, no! They'll stay up!
Pitt: For a while, yes, but not in the long run.
Elaine: But that's why I got you the tighter ones! (Holds them up.)
Pitt: Oh, forget about those! (Takes the socks from Elaine and throws them on the floor.) Why do you keep mentioning those?
Elaine: What do you want!?
Pitt: I want a decent sock that's comfortable, that will stay on my foot!!
Jerry: What the hell is that?
George: I don't know, it sounds like pigeons or something!
Jerry (Getting Out Of Bed): Well, I can't sleep with that noise.
George: Me either. Is there anything you can do to shut them up?
Jerry: Wait a second. (Grabs the icebucket off the counter.) This'll scare 'em off. (Dumps the bucket of water over the balcony. We hear a loud squawking noise and the flapping of wings, then the noise is gone. Jerry gets back into bed.) Well, good night, Ollie.
George: Good night, Stan.
Kramer: What is it?
Karen: My doves! They're dead! I trained those birds for eight years! How am I supposed to do my magic act now?
Kramer: How did this happen?
Karen: They like it outside, so I kept them in a cage on the terrace...then I found them dead in a pool of water!
Kramer (Goes Out On The Terrace To Look, And Slips In The Water): Well, how did this happen?
Karen: It must have been an accident.
Kramer: Accident? This was no accident. These doves were murdered.
Kramer: Well, that's it! She's out of the pageant!
Jerry: What? Why? What happened?
Kramer: Her birds are dead.
Jerry: Birds?
Kramer: Yeah, birds. She's got these trained doves, she does this magic act, that was her talent for the pageant. You know what I think, Jerry? I think somebody murdered those doves. Somebody wanted her out of that contest bad. Somebody who was just eaten up with jealousy. Somebody who just couldn't stand to have the spotlight taken off of them! (Kramer turns around and notices the empty icebucket on the edge of Jerry's balcony.)
Jerry: What are you looking at? (Kramer goes out onto the terrace and looks down.) Oh, that! We had to leave that outside, last night, because the water was making the room too cold.
Kramer (Comes Back Inside With His Finger Pointed At Jerry): You killed them, didn't you?
Jerry: No, you don't understand - it's not what you think! It was an accident!
Kramer: Well, don't think you've won, because you haven't! This kid is a fighter! And if you think I'm gonna let a couple of dead birds get in our way, you're crazy!
Jerry: Kramer, you gotta explain to her what happened...! (Kramer exits.)
George (Comes Out Of The Bathroom Brushing His Teeth): What was that all about?
Jerry: Oh, it was just Kramer...apparently I killed Miss Rhode Island's doves with a bucket of water last night.
George: Oh. (Goes back into the bathroom.)
Karen: O.K., this is it!
Kramer: How ya feelin'?
Karen: I'm a little nervous!
Kramer: There's nothing to be nervous about.
Karen: But I've never sung before in my life!
Philbin: And now, let's welcome Karen Ann Hanson, Miss Rhode Island!
Jerry: I heard those doves were really incredible.
George: That's a shame. (Karen is shown singing off-key on the television.)
Jerry: It's like watching an animal get tortured.
George: Hey, hey! Yankee game! (Changes the channel.)
Jerry: Oh, great! Alright. (We hear the announcers calling the game.)
Announcer #1: And the Yankees take the field!
Announcer #2: What is with the Yankees? They look like they're having trouble running, they can't move!
Announcer #1: It's their uniforms, they're too tight, they've shrunk! They're running like penguins! Forget this game!
Announcer #2: Oh my God, Mattingly just split his pants!
Jerry: That's a shame.
Kramer: Poise. Poise!


Stationer: May I help you?
Elaine: Yeah, uh, I'm looking for a Rollamech 1000 mechanical pencil.
Stationer: Oh, I know the Rollamech 1000.
Elaine: No, I'm sure you do.
Stationer: They're pretty expensive.
Elaine: Well, it's for my boss.
Stationer: What do you do?
Ex: Whatever.
Stationer: Well, we don't have any in stock right now but I would be happy to order it for you. Just give me your phone number and when it comes in I'll give you a call. You're name is?
Elaine: Elaine.
Stationer: Elaine, . . . and your last name?
Elaine: It's just Elaine, like Cher. Ha ha ha
Stationer: And your number?
Elaine: Uh, aw, KL5-239O.
Stationer: Okay. Thanks a lot. You'll be hearing from me.
Elaine: Okay, (to Jerry) Move along. . .
Jerry: Why did you give him MY number?
Elaine: I think he's got ideas.
Jerry: I wonder if any woman ever said that about Einstein?
Jerry: Call me when the pencil comes in Okay?
Elaine: Just call me when the new pen comes in, okay?
Jerry: Why does Mr. Pitt prefer a pencil to a pen anyway? Hey. Look who's here.
George: Hey, hey.
Elaine: Hey hey
Julie: Hi Jerry.
Jerry: Hi Julie.
George: Elaine, Julie.
Elaine: Hi.
Julie: Hi.
Julie: Oh, hi. Elaine's my middle name.
Elaine: Oh, mine's "Ike".
George: Hey, wanna get some lunch?
Jerry: Just had a big bowl of Kix.
George: Ah, well, that's very mature. What about you?
Elaine: Ah, no.
Julie: Please come, Elaine.
Elaine: No, no. How about if you bring me back something?
George: Sure, all right, what do you want?
Elaine: Um, hum, I don't know.. . . A big salad?
George: What big salad? I'm going to the coffee shop.
Elaine: They have big salads.
George: I've never seen a big salad.
Elaine: They have a big salad.
George: Is that what I ask for? The BIG salad?
Elaine: It's okay, you don't
George: No, no, Hey I'll get it. What's in the BIG salad?
Jerry: Big lettuce, big carrots, tomatoes like volleyballs.
George: (???), we'll see you in a little while.
Elaine: Maybe I should just get married.
Jerry: Dating is really starting to get embarrassing isn't it?
Elaine: I know. You know, whenever I'm on a date I feel people can tell.
Jerry: People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.
Elaine: You can say that again.
Jerry: It's embarrassing for them. It's painful for us to watch. I'm going out with someone later, I'm not even taking her out of the house.
Elaine: Good for you.
Jerry: I don't need a bunch of people staring at us.
Elaine: Right on baby. (???)
Jerry: What was that?
Kramer: That Gendason, what a jerk. I'm never playing golf with him again.
Elaine: Who Gendason?
Kramer: Steve Gendason.
Elaine: Why is that name familiar?
Hx: He used to be a baseball player.
Elaine: Oh, how did you end up playing golf with him?
Kramer: Well, I met him on the course a couple of years ago. Yeah. Played with him a lot. But today was it! We're on the fifteenth hole, ya, he's beating me by a couple of strokes. Then, he's about to hit his second shot, when, he picks up the ball and CLEANS it.
Elaine: So what?
Kramer: Umph, sorry! But the rules clearly state that you cannot clean the ball unless it's on the green. The rules are very clear about that.
Jerry: Certainly are.
Kramer: Ya, so I penalized him a stroke.
Kramer: He LOST IT! We almost came to blows. We were face to face like a manager and an umpire like this . . kara a pukka ba ya ka ba . . .
Jerry: All right. You're in MY face.
Elaine: I still don't see what the big deal is.
Kramer: A rule is a rule. And let's face it. Without rules there's chaos.
Julie: I like Anna Quindlen's column and Safire. Don't you like Safire?
George: Oh, Safire. Uh ha
Julie: Although at times can be rather pedantic.
George: He can be pedantic. He can be pedantic.
Julie: And Bob Herbert's great. He's the Daily News.
George: Yes. Yes. You know what's interesting. The quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons is Bobby Hebert. No "r" which I find fascinating. You know it's Herbert h-e-r-b-e-r-t, Hebert h-e-b-e-r-t. "Hebert" it's a fun name to pronounce. Try and say it Hebert. Take a shot. All right. (check arrives) All right. I
Julie: No, no. I'd like to take you out.
George: No, Julie, Julie, don't insult me. You know, what difference does it make who pays for lunch. It's totally meaningless.
Julie: Okay, thanks, George.
Wx: Here's your big salad to go.
Julie: Oh, thank you.
Jerry: (on phone) Hello. No she's not here. Okay, fine, whatever. I'll tell her. Okay. Goodbye. The stationery store guy called to say he ORDERED your pencil.
Elaine: I told ya'. He has ideas.
Jerry: He doesn't even care if a man answers.
Elaine: Or you.
George: Hey, hey.
Elaine: Hey.
Julie: Sorry e're late.
Elaine: No problem.
Julie: Here's your big salad.
Elaine: Thank you, Julie.
Julie: Oh, you're very welcome. So, I guess I better get going. Gotta meet mother a t the Guggenheim. Sure you don't want to go?
George: No, you go Guggenheim. I'm not much of a Guggenheim.
Julie: Sure, George.
George: Ya, you go.
Julie: Okay, I'll see you later. Goodbye.
Jerry: Bye bye
George: Did you see what just happened?
Jerry: Well, that all depends. . .
George: Did you happen to notice that Julie handed the big salad to Elaine?
Jerry: Yeah, so?
George: Well, she didn't BUY the big salad. I bought the big salad.
Jerry: Is that a fact?
George: Yes it is. She just took credit for my salad. That's not right.
Jerry: No it isn't.
George: I mean I'm the one who bought it.
Jerry: Yes you did.
George: You think she should have said something?
Jerry: She could have.
George: Oh, I know.
Jerry: Imagine, her taking credit for your big salad.
George: You know you buy a big salad for somebody it would be nice if they knew it.
Jerry: Obviously.
Kramer: Turn on the TV.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: I'm puttin it on
Tv: . . . the district attorney's office and the police department have not answered any questions as yet. To repeat in case you're just joining us. Former baseball start Steve Genderson, has been taken to Police headquarters for questioning the murder of Bobby Pinkus the owner of Royal Dry Cleaners at 2759 Amsterdam Avenue. According to Pinkus' wife, Gendeson had been involved in a dispute with the cleaner about a stain on a pair of gray Sans-A-Belt slacks. We also have a report that earlier in the day a groundskeeper at Vancourtland's Golf Course saw an irate Gendeson leaving the clubhouse in a huff. Whether there is a possible connection between the two is something we'll just have to wait.
Kramer: Jerry . . .
Jerry: Well, it has nothing to do with you.
Kramer: Yeah, but maybe he was so mad from the penalty stroke that he murdered the dry cleaner.
Jerry: Well, generally speaking you don't need any extra incentive to murder a dry cleaner. I wouldn't worry about that.
Elaine: I like Julie. She's very personable.
George: Yeah, she's very lovely.
Elaine: That's great George.
George: So did you enjoy your lunch?
Elaine: Yeah, A big salad. Very good. Actually it was too big. Ha ha ha Wht?
George: oh, . . .because she handed you the bag. I could have handed you the bag. She happened to pick it up at the restaurant even though, . . .
Elaine: Even though what?
George: . . . naw, it's just you thanked HER, and and oh, . . . what's the difference?
Elaine: What? What are you trying to say, George?
George: It's just that I was the one who actually paid for the big salad. She just happened to hand it to you. But it's no big deal.
Elaine: You want the money for the big salad, George?
George: No, no,
Elaine: What is the problem?
George: There is no problem. . . just a small miscommunication. Whereby you thanked her instead of the person actually responsible for purchasing the big salad.
Jerry: And Kramer thinks a penalty stroke may have driven him to it.
Margaret: Well, they haven't even arrested him yet. Come on, let's go out.
Jerry: Ah, no , I don't think so.
Margaret: Why not?
Jerry: We don't need a bunch of people staring at us.
Margaret: Who is staring?
Jerry: Oh, they're staring. They know we're on a date. They're making fun. Come on. It's embarrassing.
Jerry: Hello. No she's not here. Yes I will tell her. No I don't know what time she might be coming back. Look I gotta' go. Goodbye. . . . That, that's a long story.
Jerry: Hello Newman.
Margaret: Hello Jerry, I was wondering if you knew where Kramer was.
Jerry: No, no I don't. Why?
Margaret: You know, Genderson. This is something big.
Jerry: I suppose.
Margaret: What did Kramer say?
Jerry: I don't know. Nothing.?
Margaret: Come on Jerry. You know something TELL ME! TELL ME!, Oh, chocolates . . . Margaret?
Margaret: Hello.
Jerry: You two know each other?
Newman: You might say that.
Margaret: We used to go out.
Newman: Well, tootle loo. And nice seeing you again Margaret, goodbye Jerry. Have fun. Hehe
Jerry: . . . YOU went out with . . . Newman?
Margaret: Just a few times.
Jerry: Why?
Margaret: I liked him.
Jerry: You liked, Newman?
Margaret: Look I'm a little uncomfortable talking about this okay?
Jerry: No, I'm sorry. I'm just a little curious. I mean why did you stop seeing him.
Margaret: He ended it.
Jerry: . . . HE ended it?
Margaret: YES!! Yes! It was a couple of years ago. Why does it matter?
Jerry: No, no of course not.
Kramer: Jerry, Jerry they found a tee.
Jerry: What tee?
Kramer: A golf tee. In the dry cleaner.
Jerry: Newman! She went out with Newman!
Elaine: It must be a mistake.
Jerry: No. It isn't and the most distressing part of it is, not that she went out with him but that HE stopped seeing her. Do you understand? He, Newman; Newman stopped seeing her. Newman never stopped seeing anybody. Newman will see whoever is willing to see him. Not so much why she did see him as disturbing as that is. But why, did HE, Newman, stop seeing her?
Elaine: Perhaps there's more to him than meets the eye.
Jerry: No, there's less.
Elaine: It's possible.
Jerry: No it isn't. I've looked into his eyes. He's pure evil.
Elaine: He's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle.
Jerry: Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie.
Wx: Would you like some more coffee?
Jerry: No,, but thank you.
Jerry: Oh, by the way, your stationery store guy called and he's got your pencil.
Elaine: Ugh! You are kidding me.
Jerry: No, he left the store early, made a special trip to the distributor and got it.
Elaine: I bought mine yesterday on 14th Street.
Jerry: Well, what did you do that for? You ordered it.
Elaine: To please Mr. Pitt.
Jerry: Well, you better go down there and tell this guy. He's very excited.
Elaine: Uh, great!
Jerry: Hi Julie.
Jerry: Hi.
Elaine: Hi Julie.
Jerry: Hi, how are you, Elaine? I'm meeting George here.
Elaine: Oh, well then I better get going otherwise George will make me buy him lunch to make up for that big salad he bought me yesterday.
Jerry: How do you know THAT?
Newman: Who is it.
Jerry: It's Jerry.
Newman: You've come at a bad time now. Could you come back later?
Jerry: Come on Newman. OPEN THE DOOR!
Newman: Hellooo Jerry. What a rare treat. What brings you down to the east wing?
Jerry: Okay, pudgy, lets stop playing games. What happened with margaret?
Newman: There's no need to get excited. Can't we discuss this like gentlemen?
Jerry: No, we can't. My skin is crawling just being inside your little rat's nest. Now, what happened?
Newman: Do you really want to know what happened? I'll tell you what Happened. She wasn't my type.
Jerry: Noit your type?
Newman: Not really.
Jerry: Well, how come?
Newman: Ah, she just didn't do it for me.
Jerry: What, what is wrong with her?
Newman: Well, h ha ha- if you're happy with her, that's all that matters.
Jerry: You don't think she's attractive?
Newman: No. I need a really pretty face. But, Hey, that's me.
Jerry: Okay, Newman, thanks a lot.
Newman: Care for some lemonade?
Jerry: No, thank you.
Newman: Drop bye anytime, jerry. Hah, ha ha
Kramer: Listen to this, "If a player cleans his ball during the play of a hole accept on the putting green he shall incur a penalty of one stroke. " That's a rule, Jerry.
Jerry: But it's just a friendly game. Why do you have to be such a stickler?
Kramer: Because that's the way I weas raised. You know when I was growing up I had to be in bed every night by nine o'clock. And if I wasn't, well I don't have to tell you what happened.
Jerry: What are you so worried about this for?
Kramer: You know he talked about Pinkus on the course?
Jerry: He did?
Kramer: Oh yeah, he said he brought a pair of pants into Pinkus' and they came back stained with some kind of dry cleaning fluid. And Pinkus denied responsibility. You see he was very upset with Pinkus.
Jerry: So it had nothing to do with you.
Kramer: Yeah, but maybe I pushed him over the edge.
Jerry: No, I don't think so.
Kramer: Poor Pinkus, poor little Pinkus.
Jerry: Hey, let me ask you a question. You met margaret. Doo you think Margaret's good looking? Um, she's a natural beauty. Oh, no makeup. I like that.
Jerry: Yeah, and the curls. You like the curls?
Kramer: Oh, I love curls.
Jerry: Yeah,, me too.
Kramer: All right, I'll see you later.
Jerry: Where you going?
Kramer: Genderson's.
Jerry: You're going to see Genderson?
Kramer: It's weighing on my conscience.
George: You know, I think I could have played with dolls if their were dolls in the house. It seems like fun to me. It doesn't seem like a gender thing. I think I would like to play with dolls. What's so terrible?
Julie: Ha. So, George, I was talking to Elaine before.
George: A ha! We're just friends.
Julie: Yes, well anyway, she said something that was kind of intriguing.
George: Oh, share.
Julie: Well, when I came over to the table she mentioned something about how she better hurry up and leave or you'd make her buy lunch to make up for the one you bought yesterday.
George: Ha, ha ha uh, I'm not following that.
Julie: Well, my question is, How could Elaine be under the impression that you bought the big salad, when I was the one who handed it to her?
George: Well, she probably just assumed.
Julie: Um, did she?
George: . . .uh, . . . wait a second. Are you suggesting that I went out of my way to tell Elaine that even though you handed her the big salad, that it came from me?
Julie: That's what I'm suggesting.
George: . . . WELL IT WAS A BIG SALAD. AND WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IS, HOW DOES A PERSON WHO HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BIG SALAD CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT SALAD AND ACCEPT THE THANK YOU UNDER FALSE PRETENSES - AH - AH?
Julie: George, all I did was hand someone a bag.
Elaine: It's just that my boss is very demanding and he needed the pencil right away.
Stationer: Well,, why did you tell me to order it if you knew you were going to get one someplace else?
Elaine: No, no no I didn't know. I, I'm sorry.
Stationer: I went all the way down to the warehouse. It took me three hours. I had a big fight with the foreman.
Elaine: Really? A fight with the foreman?
Stationer: Yes.
Elaine: Well, again, I'm just awfully sorry.
Stationer: Yeah? Well, then how about going out with me tonight?
Elaine: Okay.
Margaret: I mean they found a tee and he played golf that day. Nobody walks into a dry cleaner's with a tee. The circumstantial evidence is overwhelming.
Jerry: You had how many dates with him? Three?
Margaret: Around three. I don't know.
Jerry: And . .
Margaret: I told you. He stopped calling me. I moved on. I'm not hung up on him. What are you looking at?
Jerry: What? I'm not looking. Nothing.
Jerry: Why are you looking at my face?
Jerry: Where am I going to look?
Margaret: Kiss me.
Jerry: . . . I can't.
Jerry: Newman!
Jerry: All I could think of was when I was looking at her face was; Newman found this unacceptable.
Elaine: Well, ,I'm going out with the stationery store guy.
Jerry: You're going out with the stationery store guy?
Elaine: I felt so guilty about the pencil I couldn't say no.
Elaine: Well, well, well, I'm not treating you to lunch ANYMORE! You had to tell Julie that I made a special point of telling you that I bought you the big salad. Didn't ya'.
Elaine: Uh, uh.
George: You know, if it was a regular salad I wouldn't have said anything. But you had to have the BIG SALAD.
Jerry: Hello, what? You're kidding. I'm turning it on. Oh, my god. Get out of here. (hangs up) Hey listen to this. They issued a warrant for Genderson's arrest. He escaped and the police spotted him on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Tv: As you can see white Bronco. The police have cleared the highway traffic in front of him but they are keeping their distance and don't want the situation to escalate. And we have gotten an identification on the driver of the vehicle. His name is; Kramer, one of Genderson's golfing buddies.
Police: 9-1-1 What are you reporting
Kramer: Yeah, this is Kramer. I got Genderson in the car. He wants to see his fish. I'm taking him to see his fish. So tell the police to back off.
Police: Okay, sir, and what's your name?
Kramer: My name is Kramer. You know who I am dammit!
Genderson: I told you not to take the turnpike.
Kramer: I thought we would blend in.
Genderson: If we took the palisades this never have happened.
Kramer: we would have had all that bridge traffic.
Genderson: Ah, just drive.