[Setting: Tim Whatley's apartment]
Elaine: So.. Whatley's still Jewish, huh?
Jerry: Oh, sure. With out the parents, it's a breeze.
Tim: Hey! Happy Chanukah!
Jerry: Hey, Tim. Great party.
Tim: (Suggesting a kiss to Elaine) eh?
Elaine: (Shrugging it off) eh.
Tim: (Accepting) Oh. (Turns to George) Hey, George, thanks again for getting me those Yankee tickets.
George: Oh, yeah. Still in good with the ground crew. (Laghs)
Tim: (Notices a woman walking by) Oh, hey, listen, I'd better circulate.. (moving over to the woman) Happy Chanukah, Tiffany! (they both move off camera)
Elaine: This place is like Studio 54 with a menorah.
George: I'm gonna get some more of these kosher cocktail franks.. (leaves)
Elaine: Oh.. (sees a guy looking at her) I got denim vest checking me out. (laughs) Fake phone number's coming out tonight.
Jerry: You have a standard fake?
Elaine: Mm-hmm.
Jerry: (Notices an attractive woman walking by, starts to follow her) That's neat.
Elaine: (Holds onto Jerry's arm) No, please! Denim vest! He's smoothing it! Jerry! God! (Jerry excapes Elaine's grasp, moves over to the woman. The man wearing a denim vest moves over to Elaine.)
Denim Vest: Hi!
Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry.
Woman: Hi. JERRY You might not know it to look at me, but I can run really, really fast.
Elaine: Nice vest. I like the.. big metal buttons
Denim Vest: They're snaps. Listen, maybe we should, uh, go out some time?
Elaine: Why don't I give you my phone number?
[Setting: Coffee Shop]
George: Hey.
Jerry: Hey! How'd it go with the cocktail franks?
George: Great! I ate the entire platter! Had to call in sick today.
Jerry: Didn't you call in sick yesterday?
George: Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing "We don't care, and it shows."
Jerry: (Notices George brought hhis mail) You're gonna open your mail here?
George: Hey, at least I'm bringing something to this. (Starts flipping through envelopes, reads one ) "Have you seen me?" (Flicks it aside) Nope. (looks at next envelope) Woah, something from Whatley.
Jerry: See? You give, and you get.
George: (Reading the card from Whatley) "This holiday season a donation has been made in your name to the Children's Alliance."?
Jerry: Oh, that's nice.
George: I got him Yankee's tickets! He got me a piece of paper saying "I've given your gift to someone else!"
Jerry: To a children's charity!
George: Don't you see how wrong that is?! Where's your Christmas spirit? And eye for an eye!
Elaine: Hey!
Jerry: Hey.
Elaine: (To waitress) Oh, nothing for me. (Waitress leaves) I'm going to "Atomic Sub" later.
Jerry: "Atomic Sub"? Why are you eating there?
Elaine: I got a card, and they stamp it every time I buy a sub. 24 stamps, and I become a submarine (makes a gesture) captain.
Jerry: What does that mean?
Elaine: (Embarrassed) Free sub.
Elaine: What?
George: Nothing. It's a card from my dad.
Elaine: What is it? (Grabs the card from George, he tries to stop her, but fails. She reads it out loud.) "Dear son, Happy Festivus." What is Festivus?
George: It's nothing, stop it..
Jerry: When George was growing up..
George: (Interrupting) Jerry, No!
Jerry: His father..
George: No!
Jerry: Hated all the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday.
Elaine: Ohhhh.. and another piece of the puzzle falls into place.
George: (pleading) Alright..
Jerry: And instead of a tree, didn't your father put up an aluminum pole?
George: Jerry! Stop it!
Jerry: And weren't there a feats of strength that always ended up with you crying?
George: I can't take it anymore! I'm going to work! ARe you happy now?! (Gathers his things, and runs out of the coffee shop. Elaine and Jerry laugh hysterically)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Elaine: Oh, I can't believe it! I've lost my "Atomic Sub" card!.. Oh no! I bet I wrote that fake number on the back of it when I gave it to denim vest!
Jerry: So?
Elaine: I've eaten 23 bad subs, I just need 1 more! It's like a long, bad movie, but you want to see the end of it!
Jerry: No, you walk out.
Elaine: Alright, then, it's like a boring book, but you gotta finish it.
Jerry: No, you wait for the movie!
Elaine: (Irritated, and through clinched teeth) I want that free sub.
Jerry: You don't need the card. High-end hoagie outfit like that, it's all computerized! (Snaps) They're cloning sheep now.
Kramer: (Correcting) No, they're not cloning sheep. It's the same sheep! I saw Harry Blackstone do that trick with two goats and a handkerchief on the old Dean Martin show!
Jerry: So, why don't you just try your blow-off number and see if he's called it?
Elaine: That's a good idea.
Kramer: (Answering phone) Yeah, Go! Wha.. really? Yeah, ok. Yeah! Bye. (Hangs up) Great news! Yeah, the strike has been settled. I'm going back to work.
Jerry: What strike?
Kramer: Yeah, H&H Bagels. That's where I worked.
Jerry: You?
Elaine: Worked?
Jerry: Bagels?
Kramer: Yeah. Look, see. I still have my business card. (Pulls it out, hands it to Elaine) Yeah, we've been on strike for 12 years.
Elaine: Oh, I remember seeing those guys picketing out there, but I haven't seen them in a long time.
Kramer: Yeah, well, H&H wouldn't let us use their bath room while we were picketing. It put a cramp on our solidarity.
Elaine: What were your.. demands?
Kramer: Yeah, 5.35 an hour. And that's what they're paying now.
Elaine: I believe that's the new minimum wage.
Kramer: Now you know who to thank for that!.. Alright, I've got to go. (Heads for the door)
Jerry: Why didn't you ever mention this?
Kramer: Jerry, I didn't want you to know I was out of work. It's embarrassing! (Leaves) (Scene ends)
[Setting: H&H Bagel Shop]
Kramer: All right, everybody! I'm back!
Manager: Who are you?
Kramer: Cosmo Kramer.. strikes over.
Manager: Oh yeah! Kramer.
Kramer: Huh.. wha- Didn't any of the guys come back?
Manager: NO, I"m sure they all got jobs.. like, ten years ago.
Kramer: Oh, man. Makes you wonder what it was all for..
Manager: I could use someone for the holidays..
Kramer: Alright! Toss me an apron, let's bagel! (Takes off his coat, puts it in the display case, then turns to see a plate full of bagels.) What are those?
Manager: Those are rasin bagels.
Kramer: (Picks one up, he's mesmerized) I never thought I'd live to see that..
[Setting: Horse Track Betting]
Elaine: So, anyway, I've been giving out your number as my standard fake.
Bookie: So. You're Elaine Benes. We've been getting calls fro you for 5 years.
Elaine: So, listen, when this guy calls, if you could just give him my real number..
Bookie: (Interrupting) Hey, Charlie! Guess who's here. Elaine Benes.
Charlie: Elaine Benes?!
Bookie: You make a lot of man friends. You know who's a man? Charlie here, he's a man. You know who else? Me. I'm a man.
Charlie: (faintly) I'm a man.
Elaine: Ohh.. my..
Bookie: I'll have this best guy call your real number. You just, uh, give it to me. And that way, I'll have it. (Slides a pad over to Elaine so she can write it down)
Elaine: My number? Ohh.. (looks at Kramer's business card) Okay.. Uh, well, there you go. (writes H&H's number down) And, uh, tell you what.. (looks at the board in the back) put a sawbuck on Captain Nemo in the third at Belmont.
[Setting: classy restaurant]
Tim: Hey, Jerry.
Jerry: Hey, Tim.
Tim: What's up?
Jerry: Actually, I'm having dinner with a girl I met at your party.
Tim: Mazel Tov.
Gwen: Jerry.. hi.
Jerry: Gwen?
Gwen: Yeah.
Jerry: (Not willing to believe how much uglier she is) Really?
Gwen: Yeah! Come on, our table is ready.
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
George: So, attractive one day - not attractive the next?
Jerry: Have you come across this?
George: Yes, I am familiar with this syndrome - she's a two-face.
Jerry: (Relating) Like the Batman villain?
George: (Annoyed) If that helps you..
Jerry: So, if I ask her out again - I don't know who's showing up The good, the bad, or the ugly.
George: (Identifying what Jerry said) Clint Eastwood!
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Hey, check this out. I gotta give out Christmas presents to everyone down at Kruger, so I'm pulling a Whatley. (Give a Christmas card to Jerry)
Jerry: (Reading it) "A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund." - What is that?
George: (With pride) Made it up.
Jerry: (Continuing reading) "The Human Fund. Money for people."
George: What do you think?
Jerry: It has a certain understated stupidity.
George: (Once again, Identifying) The Outlaw of Josey Whales!
Jerry: ..Yeah.
Kramer: Ah, gentlemen.. bagels on the house!
Jerry: How was your first day?
Kramer: Oh, fantastic! (Jerry and George both pick out a bagel) It felt so good to get my hands back in taht dough.
Jerry: Your hands were in the dough?
Kramer: No, I didn't make these bagels. (Jerry and George both take a bite) Yeah, they're day-olds. The homeless won't even touch them. (Jerry and George stop eating) Oh, we try to fool them by putting a few fresh ones on top, but they dig.. they, they test.
George: Alright. Uh, well, I'm out of here. (Gets up to leave)
Jerry: Happy Festivus!
Kramer: What's Festivus?
Jerry: When George was growing up..
George: (Interrupting) No!
Jerry: His father..
George: Stop it! It's nothing. It's a stupid holiday my father invented. It doesn't exist!
Elaine: Happy Festivus, Georgie.
Kramer: Frank invented a holiday? He's so prolific!
Elaine: Kramer, listen, I got a little phone relay going, so, if a guy calls H&H and he's looking for me, you take a message.
Jerry: You're still trying to gget that free sub?
Elaine: Hey! I have spent a lot of time, and I have eaten a lot of crap to get to where I am today. And I am NOT throwing it all away now.
Jerry: Is there a captain's hat involved in this?
Elaine: Maybe.
[Setting: H&H Bagel Shop]
Frank: Kramer, I got your message. I haven't celebrated Festivus in years! What is your interest?
Kramer: Well, just tell me everything, huh?
Frank: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reach for the last one they had - but so did another man. As I rained blows opon him, I realized there had to be another way!
Kramer: What happened to the doll?
Frank: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. "A Festivus for the rest of us!"
Kramer: That musta been some kind of doll.
Frank: She was.
[Setting: Kruger Office Building]
George: Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas! (Co-worker gives a gift to George) Oh, Sandy! Here is a little something for you.. (hands her a card)
Sandy: (After reading the cheap gift, she's suddenly unimpressed) ..Oh.. thanks. (Walks off)
George: Phil, I loved those cigars! Incoming! (Flicks his card tward Phil)
Phil: Ow!
George: Aw, Mr. Kruger, Sir. Merry Christmas! (Hands him a card)
Kruger: Not if you could see our books.. what's this?
George: The Human Fund.
Kruger: Whatever. (Walks off)
George: Exactly. (Sees an off-camera co-worker) Erica!
[Setting: H&H Bagel Shop]
Frank: And at the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.
Kramer: Is there a tree?
Frank: No. Instead, there's a pole. It requires not decoration. I find tinsel distracting.
Kramer: Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch.
Frank: Let's do it then! Festivus is back! I'll get the pole out of the crawl space. (Turns to leave, meets up with Elaine)
Elaine: Hello, Frank.
Frank: Hello, woman. (leaves)
Elaine: Kramer! Kramer.. any word from the vest?
Kramer: No. (To manager of H&H) Ah, listen, Harry, I need the 23rd off.
Manager: Hey! I hired you to work during the holidays. This is the holidays.
Kramer: But it's Festivus.
Manager: What?
Kramer: You know you're infringing on my right to celebrate new holidays..
Manager: That's not a right.
Kramer: Well, it's going to be! Because I'm going back on strike. Come on Elaine. (Takes of his apron, and goes for his coat) It's a walk out!
Elaine: No, I got to stay here and wait for the call.
Kramer: What? You're siding with management?!
Elaine: No, I just..
Kramer: (Interrupting) Scab! Scab! (pointing at Elaine) Scab!
[Setting: Taxi Cab]
Gwen: Hey.
Jerry: Boy, am I glad to see you.
Gwen: You were expecting someone else?
Jerry: You never know.
Gwen: (To driver) You know, you might want to take the tunnel.
Jerry: So, uh, what do you feel like eating? Chinese or Italian?
Gwen: I can go either way.
Jerry: (Shocked) You're telling me.
[Setting: the Coffee Shop]
George: So, she was switching? Back and forth?
Jerry: Actually, the only place she always looked good was in that back booth over there.
George: So, just bring her here. This is all you really need.
Jerry: I can't just keep bringing her to the coffee shop. I mean, what if things, you know, progress?
George: Lights out.
Jerry: Alright, I'll give it a shot! I do really like this coffee shop. Nice cuff links, by the way.
George: (Pointing to them) Office Christmas gift. I tell you, this Human Fund is a gold mine!
Jerry: That's not a french cuff shirt, you know.
George: I know. I cut the button off and poked a hole with a letter opener.
Jerry: Oh, that's classy.
Kramer: Well, Happy Festivus.
George: What is that? Is taht the pole?!
Frank: George, Festivus is your heritage - it's part of who you are.
George: (Sulking) That's why I hate it.
Kramer: There's a big dinner Tuesday night at Frank's house - everyone's invited.
Frank: George, you're forgetting how much Festivus has meant to us all. I brought one of the casette tapes. (Franks pushes play, George as a child celebrating Festivus is heard)
Frank: Read that poem.
George: (Complaining) I can't read it. I need my glasses!
Frank: You don't need glasses, you're just weak! You're weak!
Estelle: Leave him alone!
Frank: Alright, George. It's time for the feats of strength.
George: No! No! Turn it off! No feats of strength! (Gets up and starts running out of the coffee shop) I hate Festivus!
Frank: We had some good times.
Gwen: Hey.
Jerry: I there. This is Kramer, and Frank.
Gwen: Hi.
Kramer: (Shocked at her ugliness, he stammers) Hello.
Gwen: So, you ready to go?
Jerry: Uh, why don't we stay here? The back booth just opened up. (They both walk to the booth and sit down. Suddenly, Gwen is attractive) Now this is a good looking booth.
[Setting: H&H Bagel Shop]
Kramer: Protect Festivus! Hey, no bagels, no bagels, no bagels, (Continues to chant)
Manager: (To a waiting Elaine) Lady, if you want a sandwich, I'll make you a sandwich.
Elaine: (Whining) I want the one that I earned. (Phone rings) I'll get it. I'll get it! (Into phone) H&H, and Elaine.
Kramer: (From a phone booth right outside the store) Elaine, you should get out of there. I sabotaged the bagel machine last night. It's going down.
Elaine: What did you do?
Kramer: You've been warned.
Elaine: Oh, hi! (Waves at him)
Worker: Hey, the steam valve's broke.
Manager: Can we still make bagels?
Worker: Sure. It's just a little steamy.
Kramer: Hey! How do you like your bagels now?!
[Setting: Kruger Building]
Kruger: George, I got something for you. (Pulls a check from his pocket) I'm suppose to find a charity and throw some of the company's money at it. They all seem the same to me, so, what's the difference? (Hands the check to George)
George: 20 thousand dollars?
Kruger: Made out to the Human Fund. (Tries to enter his office, but it's locked) Oh, damn. I've locked myself out of my office again. Oh well. I'm going home.
[Setting: Coffee Shop]
Gwen: Jerry, how many times do we have to come to this.. place?
Jerry: Why? It's our place.
Gwen: I just found a rubber band in my soup.
Jerry: Oh.. I know who's cooking today!
George: Hey! Surprise, surprise!
Jerry: Hey, Georgie!
Gwen: I think I'm just gonna go.
Jerry: I'll be here.
George: (Sees Gwen's meal) Hey, soup.
Jerry: She didn't touch it.
George: Ohh.. Paco! (Flicks rubber band tward the kitchen) Hey, take a look at this. (Hands Jerry Kruger's check)
Jerry: 20 thousand dollars from Kruger? You're not keeping this.
George: I don't know.
Jerry: Excuse me?
George: I've been doing a lot of thinking. This might be my chance to start giving something back.
Jerry: You want to give something back? Start with the 20 thousand dollars.
George: I'm serious.
Jerry: You're going to start your own charity?
George: I think I could be a philanthropist. a kick ass philanthropist! I would have all this money, and people would love me. Then they would come to me.. and beg! And if I felt like it, I would help them out. And then they would owe me big time! (Thinking to himself) .. First thing I'm gonna need is a driver..
[Setting: Outside H&H Bagels]
Elaine: Kramer, the vest just called.
Kramer: (Shocked by the way Elaine looks) Yama - Hama! It's fright night!
Elaine: Oh, yeah, I got a little steam bath. Listen, in 10 minutes, I'm gonna have my hands on that "Atomic Sub" card.
Kramer: And?
Elaine: (Embarrassed) Free sub. (Starts to leave) I'll see ya.
Kramer: Yeah.
Gwen: Kramer, Hi!
Kramer: Oh, hello.
Gwen: It's Gwen.. We met .. at the coffee shop.
Kramer: Ah-huh.
Gwen: I'm dating your friend, Jerry..
Kramer: Ahh.. I don't know who you really are, but I've seen Jerry's girlfriend, and she's not you. You're much better looking - and like, a foot taller.
Gwen: That's why we're always hiding in that coffee shop! He's afraid of getting caught.
Kramer: Oh, he's a tomcat.
Elaine: Steve.
Denim Vest: Hmm?
Elaine: It's Elaine.
Denim Vest: From Tim Whatley's party?
Elaine: Yeah.
Denim Vest: You look.. different.
Elaine: I see you're still sticking with the denim. (He's wearing a denim coat) Do you have that card that I gave you?
Denim Vest: Well, I had it back at my place, but I can't go there now.. I'll give it to you later, or something.
Elaine: No, no, no. You give me your number.
Denim Vest: Okay. Sure. (Pulls out a pad, and starts writing a number down) Do you have the mumps?
Elaine: No.
Denim Vest: Typhoid?
Elaine: No.
Denim Vest: (Hands her the paper, and runs off) Yama - Hama!
Elaine: A fake number! Blimey!
[Setting: Kruger's office]
Kruger: George, we have a problem. There's a memo, here, from accounting telling me there's no such thing as the Human Fund.
George: Well, there could be.
Kruger: But there isn't.
George: Well, I - I could, Uh, I could give the money back. Here. (Holds it out)
Kruger: George, I don't get it. If there's no Human Fund, those donation cards were fake. You better have a damn good reason why you gave me a fake Christmas gift.
George: Well, sir, I - I gave out the fake card, because, um, I don't really celebrate Christmas. I, um, I celebrate Festivus.
Kruger: Vemonous?
George: Festivus, Sir. And, uh, I was afraid that I would be persecuted for my beliefs. They drove my family out of Bayside, Sir!
Kruger: Are you making all this up, too?
George: Oh, no, Sir. Festivus is all too real. And.. I could prove it - if I had to.
Kruger: Yeah, you probably should.
[Setting: The Costanza's house]
George: Happy Festivus!
Frank: George? This is a surprise. (Looking at Kruger) Who's the suit?
George: Yo, dad. This is my boss, Mr. Kruger.
Frank: Have you seen the pole, Kruger?
George: Dad, he doesn't need to see the pole.
Frank: He's gonna see it.
George: Happy Festivus! (Sees Elaine) Yama - Hama!
Elaine: I didn't have time to go home. What are you doing here?
George: Embracing my roots.
Jerry: They nailed you on the 20 G's?
George: Busted cold.
Frank: It's made from aluminum. Very high strength-to-weight ratio.
Kruger: I find your belief system fascinating.
Kramer: Hey! Happy Festivus, everyone! (Hugs George, and jumps up and down) Hee, hee, hee!
Bookie: Hello again, Miss Benes.
Elaine: What are you doing here?
Bookie: Damnedest thing.. me and Charlie were calling to ask you out, and, uh, we got this bagel place..
Kramer: (Finishing the story) I told them I was just about to see you.. It's a Festivus miracle!
Estelle: Dinner's ready!
Frank: Let's begin.
(Everyone Sits Around The Table. Kruger Recognized Kramer From "The Meat Slicer" Episode..) Kruger: Dr.. Van Nostrand?
Kramer: Uh.. that's right.
Frank: Welcome, new comers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it! You, Kruger. My son tells me your company stinks!
George: Oh, God.
Frank: (To George) Quiet, you'll get yours in a minute. Kruger, you couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe.. I lost my train of thought.
Gwen: Jerry!
Jerry: Gwen! How'd you know I was here?
Gwen: Kramer told me.
Kramer: Another Festivus miracle!
Gwen: I guess this is the ugly girl I've been hearing about.
Elaine: Hey, I was in a shvitz for 6 hours. Give me a break.
Jerry: Gwen. Gwen, wait! Ah! (runs back to his seat) Bad lighting on the porch.
Elaine: (To bookie) Hey, how'd my horse do?
Bookie: He had to be shot.
Frank: And now as Festivus rolls on, we come to the feats of strength.
George: Not the feats of strength..
Frank: This year, the honor goes to Mr. Kramer.
Kramer: Uh-oh. Oh, gee, Frank, I'm sorry. I gotta go. I have to work a double shift at H&H.
Jerry: I thought you were on strike?
Kramer: Well, I caved. I mean, I really had to use their bathroom. Frank, no offence, but this holiday is a little (makes a series of noises) out there.
George: Kramer! You can't go! Who's gonna do the feats of strength?
Kruger: (Sipping liquor from a flask) How about George?
Frank: Good thinking, Kruger. Until you pin me, George, Festivus is not over!
George: Oh, please, somebody, stop this!
Frank: (Taking off his sweater) Let's rumble!
Estelle: I think you can take him, Georgie!
George: Oh, come on! Be sensible.
Frank: Stop crying, and fight your father!
George: Ow! .. Ow! I give, I give! Uncle!
Frank: This is the best Festivus ever!
[Setting: H&H Bagel Shop]
Manager: Alright. That's enough. You're fired.
Kramer: Thank - you! (Gets his coat, and leaves)


[Setting: A car dealership]
George: When are they gonna have the flying cars, already?
Jerry: Yeah, they have been promising that for a while..
George: Years. When we were kids, they made it seem like it was right around the corner.
Jerry: I think Ed Begley Jr. has one.
George: No. That's just electric.
Jerry: What about Harrison Ford? He had one in, uh, Blade Runner. That was a cool one.
George: (Sarcastically) What's the competition, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?
Jerry: Well, what do you think the big holdup is?
George: The government is very touchy about us being in the air. Let us run around on the ground as much as we want. Anything in the air is a big production.
Jerry: Yeah, right. And what about the floating cities?
George: And the underwater bubble cities?
Jerry: It's like we're living in the '50s here.
Kramer: It's good suspension!
Jerry: (To Kramer) Would you stop it? You'll have plenty of time to destroy it after I get it. Hey, George, I'm buyin' this car. (Gestures to a black Saab)
George: Shhh What is wrong with you? You never tell 'em you like the car. (Advising) You're not sure what you want. You don't even know why you're here.
Jerry: (Gestures to his forehead) You're getting that vein again.
George: I'm starving. We should have had lunch first..
Jerry: (Trying to quiet George down) It'll be twenty minutes. I told ya, Puddy's getting me an insider deal.
George: Since when is Elaine's boyfriend selling cars? I thought he was a mechanic.
Jerry: I guess he graduated.
George: There's an easy move go from screwin' you behind your back to screwin' you right to your face.
Jerry: (To Kramer) Thank you.
George: Puddys just gonna give you the car, huh? (Skeptically) You'll see. First they stick you with the undercoating, rust-proofing, dealer prep. Suddenly, you're on your back like a turtle.
Jerry: All right. Calm down.
George: My father had a car salesman buddy. He was gonna fix him up real nice. Next thing I know, Im gettin dropped of in a Le Car with a fabric sunroof. All the kids are shoutin at me, "Hey, Le George! Bonjour, Le George! Lets stuff Le George in Le Locker!"
Kramer: Jerry, I dont think this thing is hooked up right.
Jerry: (To Kramer) All right, were goin in.
Salesman: You've got a good eye, there. I see you've noticed the uni-body construction. Im Rick. Are you looking to buy or to lease?
Kramer: Uh, borrow. Its for my friend. Yeah, hell be buying..
Rick: Maybe I should talk to him.
Kramer: Oh, I dont think so. No, hes an entertainer. You know, all over the place. That's where I come in.
Rick: I see. So, you're his manag-
Kramer: Yeah, neighbor. That's right. Yeah, why dont we take this boiler out for a shakedown huh?
George: Look at these salesmen. The only thing these guys fear is the walk-out. No matter what they say, you say, "Ill walk out of here right now!"
Salesman: Can I help you with something?
George: (Threatening) Hold it! One more step and were walkin!
Jerry: (Scolding) George. (To salesman) Sorry, were just waiting for David Puddy.
George: (Still with a tone) He is. You dont know what Im doin here.
Elaine: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Puddy: Sorry Im late.
Elaine: (Full of pride) My new salesman boyfriend took me out to celebrate his promotion.
Jerry: Ah. Where'd you go?
Elaine: (Obviously embarrassed) Uh, to a restaurant.
Puddy: Arbys.
Elaine: I had the roast beef
Jerry: So, Puddy, I decided Im gonna go with another 900 convertible.
Puddy: All right. Classic. (Holds his hand up) High-five.
Elaine: (Interrupting) David, can you tell me where the Xerox machine is?
Puddy: Oh, sure, babe. Salesman-only copy room (Points) right there.
Elaine: Oh. (Leaves for the room)
Puddy: (To Jerry and George) Hey, come on, guys. Ill show you the 900.
George: (Mocking, skeptic) Yeah, you show us the 900.
Rick: And look at these features, Mr. Kramer Anti-lock brakes, automatic climate control. Uh, (Points out the windshield) make a right at this corner, please. (Goes back to the features) An adjustable steering wheel, and Oh, Mr. Kramer, you missed the turn..
Kramer: No, no, no, I didnt.
Rick: Well, that's okay. (Pointing) Well make this next right, and swing around to get back to the dealership.
Kramer: (Up to something) Well, its a test drive, right? I never drive around here. If Im gonna recommend this car, I need to see that itll handle my daily routine.
Rick: Well where are we going?
Kramer: Just a little place I like to call, "You'll see".
[Setting: Puddys office]
George: Im starving. You got any of those free donuts you use to soften people up?
Puddy: (Pointing out his office door) By the service department.
George: (Getting up, he addresses Jerry) All right, remember no rust-proofing. Commit to nothing. If you have to speak - mumble.
Jerry: (As George is leaving for the donuts) Au revoir, Le George.
George: Dont think it cant happen! (Leaves)
Jerry: So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey".
Puddy: I dont care for that term.
Jerry: Oh. Sorry, I didnt know..
Puddy: No, I dont know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector.
Jerry: I saw one once that could do sign language.
Puddy: Yeah, I saw that one. Uh.. Koko.
Jerry: Yeah, Koko.
Puddy: Right, Koko. That chimps all right. (Holds up his hand) High-five.
George: Hey, hey, hey! Whats goin on here? (To Jerry) You didnt agree to anything, did ya?
Jerry: No. We both just saw the same monkey.
George: (Aggravated) Well, I got screwed on the donuts. There were none left. Heh!
Puddy: (Standing up) Well, theres a vending machine. I could show you where it is. (Leaves, showing George the way)
George: (To Jerry) Hey, gimme a dollar.
Jerry: (Getting a dollar out) Wheres your money?
George: (Talking it) Im here helpin you.
Elaine: Hey. Wheres Puddy? The copy machine is broken.
George: (On his way out) Heh, heh, heh. That's what they want you to think.
Jerry: Hey, Elaine, have you noticed your boyfriend has developed an annoying little habit?
Elaine: (Squints, imitating Puddy) The squinting?
Jerry: No.
Elaine: (Stares ahead, again, imitating Puddy) The staring?
Jerry: No. He keeps asking me to give him a high-five.
Elaine: (Shrugging) I thought all guys do that.
Jerry: Slapping hands is the lowest form of male primate ritual. In fact, even some of them have moved on - they're doing sign language now.
Elaine: Its that bad?
Jerry: What do you think the Nazis were doin? (Imitates the Nazis salute) That was the heil-five.
Elaine: (Pointing out) Isn't that from your act, like, ten years ago?
Jerry: (Slightly embarrassed) It was a good bit in the 80s, and its still relatable today.
Puddy: Good news. We got a 900 in black. That's the hot color. (Holds up his hand) High-five.
Elaine: Um, David, you know what? Can you come help me fix the copy machine? Come.
Puddy: (Pointing at Jerry) You owe me five.
[Setting: Dealership back room]
George: Twix.. (Makes various noises) B-5.
George: Ah, come on!
George: Ah, excuse me. Do you have, uh, change of a dollar?
Mechanic: (While retrieving his candy) No.
George: Could I, uh, could I trade you for another dollar?
Mechanic: (While walking away) Dont have one.
George: (Stopping him) Ah, excuse me. When your, uh, when your wallet was open, I - I glanced inside, and I couldn't help but notice that you have several crisp dollar bills.
Mechanic: (Calm) You're incorrect.
George: (Persistent) Perhaps you could look again, please? Im very hungry.
Mechanic: (While taking his exit) We had donuts earlier.
George: (Losing it) I guess everyone here enjoys giving the old screwgie, huh?! You're all doin a hell of a job! (Looks longingly at the Twix in the machine) Ho, ho. What I would do with you..
[Setting: Dealership car]
Rick: Uh, Mr. Kramer, were really not allowed to use the cars to run errands.
Kramer: Now look, Rick. Im very close to giving this car, that my celebrity friend is considering, my full endorsement. (Looks out the window) Oooh, Lets see if I can get a smile from these femininas.. (Yells out to them) Hey, Ladies! (Points to the car) Its the Saab 900! What do you think? Can I interest you in a little supplemental restraint?! (They obviously do something to offend him. Kramer reacts with a face) Geez
[Setting: Dealership back room]
Jerry: (Tapping the door you lift to retrieve your candy on the machine) I think the candy comes out over there.
George: People can drop change down here, Jerry. And they're too lazy to pick it up.
Jerry: Either that, or they've got a weird little hang-up about lying face-down in filth. Why dont you just go to the cashier?
George: The cashier is at lunch - which is where Id like to be.
Jerry: How much was under there?
George: (Looking at his finger) I think somethin bit me. I just need another nickel.
Jerry: (While fishing through his pocket for change) Hey, Puddy thinks I should go for the CD player. What do you think? (Hands him a nickel)
George: Ho, ho, ho! Hes got a live one. Hes just reeling his big fish in!
Jerry: Hey, can I have my dollar back?
George: (Stingy) Its wrinkled. Its worthless.
George: (As the Twix starts to move) Ha, ha, ha, ha! (The Twix gets stuck in the spindle right before falling. George begins to pound the machine) Come on! Jump!
Man: They just put out some more donuts.
George: They did?
Man: (Holding his up) Last one.
[Setting: Dealership car]
Kramer: Well, just one more errand and we can head back.
Rick: Actually, it looks like were gonna need some gas.
Kramer: Oh? Well, how much gas do you think is in there right now?
Rick: (Looking) Well, its on "E".
Kramer: You know, Rick, oftentimes, Jerry - he lends me his car and I find myself in a situation where the car is almost out of gas. But, for a variety of reasons, I dont want to be the one responsible for purchasing costly gasoline.
Rick: (Pointing out) So, you want to know how far you can drive your friends car for free.
Kramer: (In the spotlight, his voice goes high) Well, I make it up to him in other ways.
[Setting: Dealership back room]
George: As you will see, the candy bar is paid for, and yet, remains dangling in the machine. (Notices that the Twix slot is completely empty) Hey, its gone. Where is my Twix? (Quickly looks around. His sights fall on the window of a door labeled "Employees Only". The same mechanic from before is eating a candy bar) What?! That guys eatin it!
Salesman: Well, how do you know that ones yours?
George: Uh, it was dangling! There were only two left in the machine! He mustve bought one, and gotten both.
Salesman: Sir, are you gonna buy a car?
George: No! (The salesman walks away. He addresses the mechanic through the doors window) Hey! Hey! I see you! That is my Twix! (The mechanic eats the last of the Twix, obviously to make George even more angered. It works) Oh, ha, ha! Ho, ho!
Puddy: Paper jam.. Got it!
Elaine: Yay!
Puddy: (Holds his hand up) High-five. (Elaine reluctantly slaps it. He turns around, and puts his hand out behind his back) On the flip side.
Elaine: David, um, I..
Puddy: (Still holding out his hand) Dont leave me hangin.
Elaine: You're a salesman now - and the high-five is its very grease monkey.
Puddy: What did I tell you about that?
Elaine: Ah, I, Im sorry, but the high-five is just so stupid.
Puddy: (Somewhat hurt) Oh yeah? Ill tell you whats stupid. You. Stupid.
Elaine: (Sarcastically) Oh, that is really mature.
Puddy: Yeah? So are you. You're the grease monkey.
Elaine: (Confused at Davids attempts at a comeback) Uh that doesnt make any sense. I am leaving.
Puddy: Yeah, if you leave, were through.
Elaine: Fine! Were through!
Puddy: Oh, so you're leaving?
Elaine: (While leaving) That's right. (Mocking Puddy, she puts her hand up) High-five! (Turns around, putting her hand behind her back like he had done) On the flip side! (As Elaine is leaving, she mutters to herself) Takin me to Arbys
Jerry: (Sees Elaine leaving) Hey! Wh-where are you?
Puddy: Lets finish this up.
Jerry: Did you two break up?
Puddy: (While punching up numbers on a calculator) That chicks whacked. Were history. (Back to the transaction) I just left out a couple of things uh, rust-proofing
Jerry: "Rust-proofing"?
Puddy: (Reading off what hes adding up on the calculator) Transport charge, storage surcharge, additional overcharge, finders fee
Jerry: "Finders fee"? It was on the lot!
Puddy: Yeah, that's right. (Continues reading off) Uh, floor mats, keys
Jerry: Keys?!
Puddy: How ya gonna start it?
[Setting: Dealerships shop]
George: Excuse me. I believe you just ate my Twix bar. It was dangling. And when you purchased your Twix bar, you got a little freebie, and you never bothered to ask why, or seek out its rightful owner.
Mechanic: First of all, it wasnt a Twix. It was a 5th Avenue bar.
George: Huh. You must think Im pretty stupid. (The mechanic shoots him a look as if he cleary does think hes stupid) That was no 5th Avenue bar. I can see the crumb right there in the corner of your lip! Now, that-that-that is a cookie - and we all know that Twix is the only candy bar with the cookie crunch.
Mechanic: Its uh, its just a little nougat.
George: Nougat? Please. I think Ive reached the point in my life where I can tell the difference between nougat and cookie. So lets not just say things that we both know are obvious fabrications.
Mechanic: (Pointing to Georges forehead) You know, you're gettin a little vein there..
George: (Watching the mechanic leave) I know about the vein! I cant believe this guy..
Jerry: Hey, George!
George: Hey, starving! (Grabs the box from Jerry)
Jerry: No, last one. Listen, you gotta help me out. Elaine and Puddy just broke up, hes treatin me just like a regular customer, now!
George: I tried to tell you, but you wouldnt listen. No, ho, ho! You were gonna get a deal, huh? Theres no laws in this place. Anything goes! Its Thunderdome!
Saleswoman: Is someone helping you?
George: Stay back! (Runs out of the room, pushing Jerry out ahead of him)
[Setting: Dealership car]
Rick: (Trying to look at the gas gauge) Where is it now?
Kramer: Theres still some overlap between the needle and the slash below the "E".
Rick: How low are you gonna go?
Kramer: Oh, Ive been in the slash many times. This is nothing. You'll get used to it. Just, (Makes a popping sound) put it out of your mind.
Rick: Have you ever been completely below the slash?
Kramer: Well, I almost did once, and I blacked out. When I came to, the car was in a ditch, and the tank was full. I dont know who did it, and I never got to thank them..
Rick: (As the car slowly drifts off the road) Mr. Kramer, the road!
Kramer: Whoop! Whoop!
[Setting: Puddys office]
Jerry: (Threatening tone) So, listen, Puddy. When we first started this deal, I thought things were gonna be different. Now, if you want to play hard ball, I got my friend, George, here, and he can play pretty hard ball. (Leaving the negotiation to George) George, vein it up.
George: All right, Puddy, listen, and listen good I need to know the name of that mechanic that walks around here. Big guy, a liar. Short name. Sam? Moe? Sol?!
Jerry: George! Can we focus on the car, here?
George: Im starving! I can feel my stomach sucking up against my spine.
Puddy: (Handing a sheet of paper to Jerry) Jerry, I just need your signature here, and well get you that yellow car ready to go.
Jerry: Yellow? I wanted black.
Puddy: I cant give you black at that price.
Jerry: (Pleading) George, would you help me, please?
George: (Standing up) Yes. This is wrong!
Jerry: Sing it, sister!
George: Just because a candy bar fails to fall from its perch
Jerry: (Exasperated) Oh, God
George: (Losing it) does not imply transfer of ownership. Moe, Sol, or Lem is not gonna get away with this!
Jerry: (To Puddy) Ill be right back.
Puddy: Okay.
Jerry: Hey, George!
[Setting: Dealership car]
Rick: Is it just the angle Im looking from?
Kramer: No, Sir. We are down there.
Rick: Oh, this is amazing! Oh, Ive never felt so alive!
Kramer: All right, Im satisfied. We better get some gas.
Rick: What? Well, we cant stop now.
Kramer: What do you mean?
Rick: We have to keep going - all the way back to the dealership. That was the plan.
Kramer: There was no plan.
Rick: Well, lets make it the plan! Lets just go for it! Like Thelma and Louise.
Kramer: What, they drove to a dealership?
Rick: No, they drove off a cliff.
Kramer: You are one sick mama I like it.
Rick: Mr. Kramer, the road!
Kramer: Yup! Yup!
[Setting: Elaines apartment]
Elaine: Hello?
Jerry: (Over the phone) Elaine, you've got to get back down to the dealer. Puddy is screwin me on this car, which is yellow now!
Elaine: (Jokingly mimicking Jerry) Who is this?
Jerry: (Banging the phone against the booth) Elaine!
Elaine: What?!
Jerry: You gotta get back together with Puddy so I can make this deal.
Elaine: (Sarcastically) You know, just that you cared enough to call means so much, Jerry.
Jerry: You're gonna get back together, anyway. Its thousands of dollars!
Elaine: Oh, I dont know..
Jerry: Come on. Then you dont have to see him again til my 15,000-mile check.
Elaine: Well, will you pay my cab fare out there?
Jerry: Fine.
Elaine: And I didnt like that roast beef, so how bout some lunch?
Jerry: No. No lunch.
Elaine: Ill hang this phone up right now!
Jerry: All right! Lunch!
Elaine: Ill see ya. (Hanging up the phone)
Jerry: Bye. (Hangs up)
Jerry: (Frustrated, he reacts) Everybodys ripping me off!
George: Yes, Id like to report a problem with one of your mechanics.
Willie: When did you bring the car in?
George: (To the man behind him in line) Yeah, right Im gonna get my car repaired at a dealership. Huh! Why dont I just flush my money down the toilet?
Willie: Sir, what, exactly, is the problem?
George: One of your guys - Kip, or Ned, short name - stole my Twix candy bar!
Willie: Are you saying he grabbed your candy bar away from you?
George: He might as well have! I caught him, and his face was covered in chocolate and cookie crumbs.
Willie: I thought you said it was a Twix.
George: Oh, it was. But he claimed it was a 5th Avenue bar.
Willie: Maybe it was.
George: Oh, no, no. Twix is the only candy with the cookie crunch.
Willie: What about the Hundred-Thousand-Dollar bar?
George: No. Rice and caramel.
Willie: Nougat?
George: No.
Willie: Positive?
George: Please.
Woman: You know they changed the name from Hundred-Thousand-Dollar bar to Hundred-Grand?
George: All I want is my seventy-five cents back, an apology, and for him to be fired!
Willie Sr: I remember when you used to be able to get a Hershey for a nickel.
Man: Whats the one with the swirling chocolate in the commercial?
George: They all have swirling chocolate in the commercial!
Willie Sr: Not Skittles.
Willie: Dad, I told you you could sit here only if you dont talk.
Woman: (Sitting behind George) You make your father sit here all day?
Willie: He likes it!
George: All right, do you mind? I have the window! (To Willie) Now, what are you gonna do about my Twix?
Man: (In line behind George) Twix has too much coconut.
George: No! Theres no coconut!
Woman: (Behind service window) Im allergic to coconut.
Willie: Im not.
Willie Sr: A nickel!
[Setting: Dealership office showroom]
Elaine: Cab receipt. Hey, Puddy.
Puddy: Im with a customer.
Elaine: Uh
Jerry: No, no. No, Elaine, the car can wait. Whats important is you two getting back together. Eh, then well talk about the car.
Puddy: (Like a kid) I dont want to get back with her. Shes too bossy.
Elaine: (Raising her finger at him, in an authoritative tone) David..
Jerry: Okay. Now, I know this is an important decision. Why dont we all just sit down and talk about it? Come on, come on. (All three sit down) Now, look, you both find each other attractive, right?
Elaine And Puddy: Right.
Jerry: Clearly, no one else can stand to be with either one of you.
Elaine: I guess.
Puddy: Good point.
Jerry: (Smiling, like a salesman) All right. Now, what do I have to do to put you two in a relationship today?
[Setting: Gas station]
Kramer: Cars can go on empty, but not us humans, huh, fella? Ill get us a couple of Twix bars.
Rick: No, no coconut for me.
Kramer: All right, Ill get ya a Mounds bar. Keep the engine running.
Rick: Ahh!
Kramer: No, man! Not the gas!
Rick: But it needs it, Kramer! It needs it bad!
Kramer: Do you think that thisll make you happy? Cause it wont!
Rick: (Walking away) Ah, you can just go on without me.
Kramer: Listen to me. When that car rolls into that dealership, and that tank is bone dry, I want you to be there with me when everyone says, "Kramer and that other guy, oh, they went further to the left of the slash than anyone ever dreamed!"
Rick: Maybe we better get moving.
Kramer: Its good to have you back, Stan.
Rick: Its Rick, by the way.
Kramer: No time!
[Setting: Dealerships customer service room]
Willie: Mr. Costanza, I really dont have time for this.
George: Now, if this mechanic guy, was, in fact, eating a 5th Avenue bar, as he claims, wouldnt you agree he would have no problem picking one out from a candy line-up?
Willie: "Candy line-up"?
George: Ive spent the last hour preparing ten candy bars with no wrappers or identification of any kind for him to select from.
Willie: It took you an hour?
George: Only I hold the answer key to their true candy identities. And so, without further ado, I give you the candy line-up. (Opens a door to a back room. Various dealership employees are munching on candy bars)
Saleswoman: Hey, Willie, check it out! Free candy!
George: That's my candy line-up! Where are all my cards?! They're - they're all on the floor!
George: And you! How many Twix does that make for you, today?! Like, 8 Twix?!
Mechanic: No.
Man: Hey, this Clark bar is good.
George: Its a Twix! They're all Twix! It was a setup! A setup, I tell ya! And you've robbed it! You've all screwed me again! Now, gimme one! Gimme a Twix!
Mechanic: They're all gone.
George: (Yelling out, frustrated. The camera spins from a top angle) Twwwwiiiiiixxxxx!
Elaine: What was that?
Puddy: Theres a mental hospital right near here.
Jerry: All right. Elaine, David, I believe we have a deal here in principle Arbys no more than once a month. And in exchange, Elaine comes to your softball game, and doesnt read a book.
Elaine: (While looking over the contract Jerry just drew up) Yeah, well, that's not bad.
Puddy: I can live with that.
Jerry: So, you're back together?
Puddy: Yeah.
Jerry: All right, all right. All right, that's enough! Lets get back to my deal. That undercoating, that's a rip-off, isn't it, David?
Puddy: Oh, we dont even know what it is.
Jerry: So, Im gettin the insiders deal?
Puddy: Insiders deal. (Holds up his hand) High-five.
[Setting: Dealership car]
Rick: (Seeing the turn-off up ahead) Theres the dealer!
Kramer: Hey!
Rick: We did! We pulled it off! I cant believe it! Wheres the needle?
Kramer: Oh, it broke off, baby! Woo, hoo, hoo!
Rick: Oh, Mr. Kramer, I gotta thank you. I - I learned a lot. Things are gonna be different for me now.
Kramer: Well, that's a weird thing to say
Rick: I wonder how much longer we could have lasted.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah. I wonder hmm.
[Setting: NYC Cab]
Elaine: This is nice. What kind of car is this?
Cabbie: Caprice Classic.
Elaine: (To Jerry) You couldn't just give him one high-five?
Jerry: And where does it end? Then everyones doin it. Its like the wave at ball games. Air quotes. The phrase, "Dont go there." - Someones gotta take a stand!
George: (Munching on a hamburger) This Arbys is good.
Elaine: So, George, I still dont understand - how was that a setup?
Jerry: And who were you tryin to set up, anyway? The mechanic or the manager?
George: I dont know. All of em. They're all crooks! Besides, I couldn't get all different candy bars, anyway.
George: What was that?
Jerry: I think theres a mental hospital near here.
Elaine: Very near.
Kramer: Ya-hoo! Ya-hoo! (Rick is silent) Whew! Well, I think we stopped.
Rick: You - you can probably let go of my hand now.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah. (Getting out of the car) Well, Ill think about it..
Rick: Do you have my card?


Waitress: Careful, this plate is extremely hot.
Elaine: Thank you. Ow!
Waitress: I just told you it was hot. Why'd you touch it?
Elaine: I just wanted to know what your idea of 'hot' is.
Puddy: Hey, babe. You ready to hit the ice?
Elaine: I am ready to skate up a- ha, ha, ha...Why are you wearing that?
Puddy: It's my winter coat.
Elaine: A fur?
Puddy: Is there a problem?
Elaine: A seemingly infinite supply.
Elaine: Ow! Careful, it's hot.
Puddy: Ow!
Jerry: So, Puddy wear's a man fur?
Elaine: He was struttin' around the coffee shop like Stein Erickson.
Jerry: And, of course, you find fur morally reprehensible.
Elaine: Eh, anti-fur. I mean, who has the energy anymore? This is more about hanging off the arm of an idiot.
George: And this is the first you're seeing of the coat?
Elaine: We never dated in winter.
Jerry: You might want to get a look at that bathing suit drawer.
Elaine: Oh, I walked by Bloomingdale's the other day, and I saw that massage chair we want to get Joe Mayo as an apartment gift.
George: An apartment-warming gift? We got to give presents to people for moving? Birthdays, Christmas, it's enough gifts. I would like one month off.
Jerry: Kramer said it's a perfect gift. That's what we're gettin' him.
George: All right, but we're not buyin' it at Bloomingdale's. I will buy it, you pay me back later. I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense.
Jerry: Cheapness is not a sense.
Elaine: I can't stand Joe Mayo's parties. You know, the second you walk in, he's got you workin' for him. 'Hey, can you do me a favor? Can you keep an eye on the ice, make sure we have enough?' Uh...
Jerry: I had a great time at the last one. I was in charge of the music. I turned that mother out.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: You got any pliers?
Jerry: What, has Newman got another army man stuck in his ear?
Newman: Hilarious.
Kramer: Newman and I are reversing the peepholes on our door. So you can see in.
Elaine: Why?
Newman: To prevent an ambush.
Kramer: Yeah, so now I can peek to see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies.
Jerry: But then anyone can just look in and see you.
Kramer: Our policy is, we're comfortable with our bodies. You know, if someone wants to help themselves to an eyefull, well, we say, 'Enjoy the show.'
Elaine: I'm sorry I can't stay for the... second act.
Jerry: Hey, George. Here's the model number on that chair, by the way.
Kramer: Mmm... Nice wallet.
Newman: Wallet.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Nobody carries wallets anymore. I mean, they went out with powdered wigs. Yeah, see here's what you need. Just a couple of cards and your bankroll. See, keep the big bills on the outside.
Jerry: That's a five.
Kramer: I'm on the Mexican, whoa ohh, radio...
Silvio: Eh, what are you doing?
Kramer: Hey, Silvio. Yeah, I'm reversing my peephole.
Silvio: Hey, you know you gotta get permission from me. I'm the super. Who said you could do that?
Kramer: Well, who says I can do any of the things I do in my place?
Silvio: Like what?
Kramer: Well, I... uh, nothing. No, I'll, um, I'll switch it back.
Silvio: No, no, no, no. No, that's all right.
Kramer: Well, that's good. Because, uh, Newman and I-
Silvio: Newman? He did this, too?
Kramer: Well, yeah.
Silvio: I deal with him.
George: Hey, look at this. This is the same massage chair we're gettin' for Joe Mayo, $60 cheaper.
Jerry: Except the store's in Delaware.
George: I'll have 'em overnight it.
Jerry: Maybe cheapness is a sense. You know it is better without this big wallet. It's more comfortable.
George: It doesn't matter if it's more comfortable. It's wrong.
Jerry: Why?
George: Because important things go in a case. You got a skull for your brain, a plastic sleeve for your comb, and a wallet for your money.
Jerry: But look at this thing. It's-it's huge. You got more cow here than here.
George: I need everything in there.
Jerry: Irish money?
George: I might go there.
Jerry: Show this card at any participating Orlando-area Exxon station...to get your free 'Save the Tiger' poster.
George: All right, just gimme that. And gimme some of those Sweet & Lows.
Kramer: Who is it?
Newman: It's Newman.
Kramer: What do you want? I'm in the middle of something.
Newman: I can't believe I'm being evicted.
Kramer: What? What are you talking about?
Newman: The reverse peepholes. Silvio said I'm an agitator and I'm out of the building.
Kramer: No. No, he can't do that.
Newman: I'm homeless! I'm gonna be out on a street corner, dancing for nickels. I'll be with the hobos in the trainyard, eating out of a bucket.
Kramer: Come on, we'll go and talk to him, and we'll straighten this thing out.
Newman: Uh, you, uh, you better put something on.
Jerry: George, I am loving this no wallet thing.
George: A man carries a wallet.
Jerry: You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I'm onto something.
Joy Mayo: Hey, Jerry.
Jerry: Hey, Joe Mayo. Nice place.
Joy Mayo: Thanks. George, can you do me a favor and stay by the phone in case anybody calls and needs directions?
George: Love to.
Joy Mayo: Thanks. Jerry...
Jerry: Music?
Joy Mayo: Actually, can you keep an eye on the aquarium and make sure nobody taps on the glass?
Jerry: But I could do that and the music.
Joy Mayo: Oh, no, don't worry about the music. Just... have fun!
Jerry: I was ready to get jiggy with it.
Puddy: Hey.
Jerry: Hey, Elaine.
Elaine: Hey. I think you know Dr... Zaius.
Jerry: So, Elaine, notice anything different about my... pants?
Elaine: So, George... did you get the chair?
George: No, I don't have it yet.
Jerry: So, we're givin' him nothing?
George: No, I brought a picture of the chair.
Jerry: Did you at least get him a card?
George: I thought we'd all sign the picture.
Joy Mayo: Elaine...
Elaine: Hey, Joe Mayo.
Joy Mayo: I need you to be in charge of coats.
Elaine: Oh, fantastic.
Joy Mayo: And Puddy, can you make sure no one puts a drink on my...sound system?
Puddy: Sure thing, Joe Mayo.
Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry. How do you like my pants?
Keri: Nice.
Jerry: (talking to George) It's working. (to the girl, who's tapping on the aquarium) Don't tap on the glass.
George: (answering the phone while walking away) Joe Mayo's apartment?
Puddy: (standing guard by the stereo as George walks by him) Hey! Cocktail off the speaker.
Elaine: Goodbye, Dr. Zaius.
Silvio: Why are we in Jerry's apartment?
Kramer: Well, I, uh, I like to think of this as my conference room. Yeah, it has a more formal atmosphere, you know, with the shelves, and the furniture.
Silvio: Make it quick Kramer, my wife and I are about to go bowling.
Kramer: Oh, well, um, Newman thinks that you, uh, evicted him?
Silvio: I did. I don't like Mr. Newman. He is an agitator.
Kramer: Look... I've known Newman all my life, in the building, and you're all wrong about him. He's a model tenant. Portly, yes, but smart as a whip.
Silvio: OK, on your word he can stay.
Kramer: All right.
Silvio: But... I'm gonna keep my eye on him.
Kramer: Well, you won't regret it.
Silvio: What's wrong?
Joy Mayo: Elaine, thanks for coming.
Elaine: Good working with you.
Puddy: All right, let's hit the bricks.
Elaine: What?
Joy Mayo: Hey, I got a coat just like this!
Elaine: Oh. Uhhh...
Elaine: So Joe Mayo had the same coat.
George: And you threw it out the window?
Elaine: Mm-hmm.
George: God, you're like a rock star.
Elaine: So now Joe Mayo wants me to buy him a new coat.
Jerry: Because you threw it out.
Elaine: No, because I was in charge of the coats. It's... insane.
Jerry: But you did actually throw his coat out the window.
Elaine: But he doesn't know that. As far as he knows, somebody stole it, and that's the person who should be responsible.
Jerry: But that's you.
Elaine: So I guess I'll have to buy him a new coat, even though I don't think I should be held responsible, which I am anyway.
George: Well, I'm satisfied. Uh...my back is...killing me.
Jerry: Of course. Because of that wallet. You-you got a filing cabinet under half of your ass.
George: This...is an organizer, a secretary, and a friend.
Elaine: Look at you. You're on a slant.
George: Here, just give me a couple of napkins.
George: There, there I'm fine.
Jerry: What was that?
George: I think I had some hard candy in there.
George: No, no, this is supposed to go to Joe Mayo's apartment.
George: Ahhh. How does this thing work?
George: Ahhhhh...
Delivery Man: Sir, do you want me to deliver this to your friend's place or not?
George: Ahhhhh...
Keri: Ready to go?
Jerry: All set. I can't believe I'm going dancing.
Keri: You don't go that often?
Jerry: No, because it's so stupid. Shall we?
Keri: Do me a favor. Can you hold this stuff for me?
Jerry: Compact, lipstick, all this?
Keri: And can you help to carry my keys?
Jerry: What are you, a medieval dungeon master?
Keri: And a tin of altoids.
Jerry: Ow! Sharp key.
Kramer: So, you're sleeping with Silvio's wife?
Newman: Well, there's very little sleeping going on.
Kramer: Well, why didn't you tell me about this?
Newman: Quite frankly, I don't see how it's any of your business.
Kramer: Well, it's my business now. Look, I stuck up for you. Man, if he catches you, we're both out.
Newman: Hey, what is that up that tree?
Kramer: Hoooh! Man, that looks like a dead bear.
Newman: No, that's a fur coat! Hey, uh, give me a boost.
Kramer: Man, where did you learn to climb trees like that?
Newman: The Pacific Northwest.
Elaine: So, you had to carry some of Keri's stuff. Big deal.
Jerry: You don't understand. I went on a successful pocket diet, and I want to keep that weight off.
Elaine: You know what? We sell this thing at Peterman that would be perfect for you.
Jerry: Not more of that crap from the Titanic?
Elaine: No. No. It's a small men's carryall.
Jerry: I'm not carrying a purse.
Elaine: It's not a purse. It's European.
Jerry: Oh.
Elaine: Hey, did George buy Joe Mayo that chair yet?
Jerry: I don't know.
Elaine: If I'm gettin' him a new fur, I'm not chippin' in on a gift, too.
George: Yeah?
Jerry: Hey, George, did you get Joe Mayo that chair yet?
George: Not yet. Oh! Ho ho! God...
Jerry: What?
George: It's in... transit.
Elaine: Did he get it?
Jerry: No.
Elaine: Mmm, good. Tell him I'm out.
George: (hearing Elaine over the phone) What, she's out?
Jerry: Well, so what? You're gettin' a deal, right? We'll split it three ways.
George: Allllll right!
Jerry: What is that noise?
George: (hangs up the phone) That's my toaster. I got to go. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Jerry: You know, sometimes I get the feeling George isn't being completely honest with me.
Kramer: Hey. Oh, uh, yeah. Uh, here are your pliers back...Weak hinge.
Elaine: Well, I guess I better go and price fur coats.
Kramer: Oh, go down to 88th Street. They're free.
Elaine: What are you talking about?
Kramer: Well, they're hanging from the trees. You know, Newman found one there yesterday. Man, that guy can climb like a ring-tailed lemur!
Elaine: 88th Street? That's where Joe Mayo lives. That's the coat!
Jerry: What was that pop sound?
Kramer: Well, I had some hard candy in there.
Newman: So, to what do I owe this unusual invitation?
Elaine: Come in, come in.
Newman: Ahh! This is very much as I imagined it to be. Aside from this rattan piece, which seems oddly out of place.
Elaine: Please, sit down. Newman, um, I wanted to talk to you about something.
Newman: This isn't about my opening your mail?
Elaine: What?
Newman: Because I don't, never have, anything I read was already open.
Elaine: Uh, yeah, uh, no. Newman, uh, I heard that you found a fur coat in a tree. And, I believe that it belongs to a friend of mine, and I'd like to give it back to him.
Newman: Sorry. Climbers, keepers.
Elaine: You know, Newmie. Um, I know how you feel about me, and I have to tell you, I'm quite flattered.
Newman: You are?
Elaine: Oh, yeah. I mean, of all the men that I know, you're the only one who's held down a steady job for several years.
Newman: Well, it's-it's interesting work, I don't mind it.
Elaine: Ha ha ha ha.
Newman: Don't you have a-a boyfriend? A, uh, burly, athletic type?
Elaine: Uh, don't worry, he's cool.
Newman: Cool?
Elaine: Very cool. So, what do you say? Can you do this one little favor, Newmie?
Newman: Oh, how I've waited for this moment. But alas, my heart belongs to another man's wife, and I have given the coat to her.
Elaine: All right, we're done here.
Newman: For I am in love with Svetlana, and I don't care if the whole world knows, except for Silvio, who would throw me out of the apartment, where I would be dancing on the sidewalk-
Elaine: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much.
Keri: Nice carryall.
Jerry: It's European.
Keri: Do you still have my lipstick?
Jerry: Uh, yeah, I think I do. I can never find anything in here. Ah, here it is. So, that Joe Mayo throws the worst parties, doesn't he? So what was your job?
Keri: My job was to keep you away from the music.
Jerry: What, he doesn't like my taste in music?
Keri: Guess not.
Jerry: You should've been there last year. I got jiggy with it!
Silvio: Kramer! It's Silvio! Open up, I need to talk to you! I can see you through the reverse peephole.
Kramer: Hey, Silvio!
Silvio: Look at this.
Kramer: Huh?
Silvio: Svetlana says she find it in the laundry room, but I think it is a gift from that postman agitator. Where is he?
Kramer: Relax, Silvio.
Silvio: No, that's it. You're both out of the building!
Kramer: Oh, come on! Hey, Newman didn't even give her that! No, that's not even a woman's coat. It's a man's!
Silvio: A man's?
Kramer: Yeah.
Silvio: What kind of a man would wear fur?
Kramer: Oh, lots of 'em.
Silvio: Would you?
Kramer: No.
Silvio: Then who?
Kramer: What about Jerry?
Silvio: Jerry?
Kramer: Yeah, sure, he's a celebrity. Oh, yeah, they wear a lot of furs. They're desperate, insecure people.
Silvio: Yes, you are right. It's all about, me, me, me. Please, look at me! I am so pretty! Love me! Want me!
Kramer: Yeah, something like that.
Jerry: I have to do what?
Kramer: All you have to do is wear the fur so Silvio thinks it's yours.
Jerry: I'm not wearing the fur.
Kramer: Well, then, Newman and I, we get thrown out of the building.
Jerry: Is that right?
Kramer: All right, why don't you just take a good, hard look at what your life will be like if I'm not around?
Jerry: Newman, too?
Kramer: Oh, come on, man! Well, I'll tell you what, if you do this, I'll give you that walkman you're always asking about.
Jerry: That's my walkman!
Kramer: And you'll get it back.
Jerry: All right.
Kramer: All right. Good, thanks, I owe you one.
George: Hey.
Kramer: Oh, hey, and by the way, uh, that walkman was broke when you gave it to me.
Jerry: George, did you get that chair yet?
George: It gets here when it gets here. Would you stop ridin' me?
Jerry: You know what? Just call up and cancel it. I'm out.
George: Excuse me?
Jerry: Joe Mayo doesn't like my taste in music. He's not gettin' a gift from me.
George: Oh, I can't believe you're dropping out, too. So now Kramer and I have to pay for the entire gift?
Kramer: Whoa, whoa. Now, who's this Joe Mayo everyone's talking about?
George: He's the guy we're the buying the chair for, remember? It was your suggestion.
Kramer: I think the chair is a fantastic gift idea. But I never heard of this Joe Mayo. And frankly, it sounds made up.
George: Oh, so now I have to buy this whole chair by myself?
Jerry: No, you don't have to buy anything.
George: I already bought it! I've been lyin' to you for three days, and now you're all screwin' me!
Jerry: I don't understand. Why didn't you tell us you had it?
George: I needed it! My back is... a little tweaked.
Jerry: Because of your giant wallet. Just get rid of it!
George: Never! It is a part of me. I will just return the chair, and it will be easy, because the receipt is in my good friend.
Jerry: Your good friend is morbidly obese.
George: Well, at least, I'm not carrying a purse.
Jerry: It's not a purse. It's European!
Kramer: All right, Silvio's down there. He's shoveling the walk. Now, all you gotta do is put this on, you go down to the corner, you pick up a paper, and you come right back.
Jerry: All right.
Kramer: There you go.
Jerry: How do I look?
Kramer: Ahh...
George: Learn guitar, first lesson free? Huh.
George: My receipts! The chair! My tiger poster!
Jerry: Hey, Silvio, just out for a little stroll in my favorite fur coat.
Silvio: That is your coat?
Jerry: It sure is.
Silvio: Kramer says you need it because you're an entertainer and you're desperate for attention.
Jerry: That's true.
Kramer: Jerry, you forgot your purse.
Jerry: Oh, thanks.
Kramer: Hey, Silvio, look at Jerry here, prancing around in his coat with his purse. Yup, he's a dandy. He's a real fancy boy.
Jerry: Maybe this isn't my coat.
Kramer: All right, you're not fancy!
Silvio: No, he's very fancy! Want me, love me! Shower me with kisses!
Elaine: Jerry, where'd you get it? That's his coat.
Jerry: No, it's not. It's mine. I'm a fancy boy.
Elaine: No, that's not your coat.
Silvio: If that is not his coat, whose coat is it?
Elaine: It's Joe Mayo's coat.
Silvio: Who's Joe Mayo?
Kramer: That must be the man that's sleeping with your wife.
Jerry: Hey! Officer! Someone took my European carryall!
Cop: Your what?
Jerry: The...black, leather...thing with a strap.
Cop: You mean a purse?
Jerry: Yes, a purse. I carry a purse!
Jerry: So, Silvio ambushed Joe Mayo?
Elaine: Yeah, he was waitin' inside his apartment for him with a sock full of pennies.
Jerry: He should have had a reverse peephole.
Puddy: Hey, Babe.
Jerry: Hello? Hello?
Elaine: What is that?
Puddy: It's my new coat.
Elaine: You ditched the fur?
Puddy: Yeah, I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked like a bit of a dandy. Check it out! 8-Ball! You got a question, you ask the 8-Ball.
Elaine: You're gonna wear this all the time?
Puddy: All signs point to 'Yes!'


Jerry: So your saying UNICEF is a scam?
Kramer: It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation . No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change.
Jerry: Oh! No it's Sally Weaver.
Kramer: Oh! Yeah your old college roommate huh?
Jerry: No, It's Susan Ross's old college roommate; she moved to New York a few years ago . she's trying to become an actress.
Kramer: Hmmm,, Dramatica comedia heh!
Jerry: Untalented, She's always inviting me to see her in some bad play in tiny room without ventilation. It's really depressing.
Kramer: Euh.. We don't go to enough theater.
Jerry: She should just give up.
Jerry: Heeyyy!...
Sally: Hey there Mr. Too big to come to my shows. I just came back from (?) Whoooooooo...I'm on my way to an audition still waiting for that big break.
Kramer: Why don't you just give up?
Jerry: Kramer!!!
Kramer: At least that's what Jerry says. Now face it. If it hasn't happen it's not gonna happen. All right, we go grab some bouffe . Join us?
Jerry: So...Susan's dead...
Kramer: I think she was happy someone finally said it.
Jerry: Why'd you have to say anything to her?
Kramer: 'felt that the conversation was lagging.
Jerry: Why can't you ever keep your big mouth shut?
Kramer: I come in here to get a pleasant meal and if we're not gonna have one I'll grab a bite to eat at your place.
Elaine: You know, maybe Kramer is right, some people should just give up . I have.
Jerry: What did you wanna be?
Elaine: I don't remember, but it certainly wasn't this. Look at this cartoon in the New Yorker, I don't get this.
Jerry: I don't either.
Elaine: And you're on the fringe of the humor business.
George: Hey!
Elaine: Hey! George look at this.
George: That's cute.
Elaine: You got it?
George: No, never mind.
Elaine: Come on, We're two intelligent people here. We can figure this out. Now we got a dog and a cat in an office.
Jerry: It looks like my accountant's office but there's no pets working there.
Elaine: The cat is saying " I've enjoyed reading your E-mail".
George: Maybe it's got something to do with that 42 in the corner .
Elaine: It's a page number.
George: Well, I can't crack this one.
Elaine: Aahh! this has got to be a mistake.
George: try shaking it...(long pause) Well,Janet should be here any minute.
Jerry: You've been hiding her from us. you must really like her?
George: Aah! the minute I saw this girl, we just clicked. She's got such a nice face. hummmm her eyes, her mouth, nose
Elaine: We know what a face consists of.
Janet: I'm sorry I'm late.
George: Jerry, Elaine, I give you.. Janet.
Janet: Nice to meet you.
Elaine: Hi!
Janet: Do we still have time to make the movie?
George: Oh! euh.. Yeah We just can't go to the supermarket to get some candy.
Elaine: Jerry, She looks exactly like you.
Jerry: She does not.
Elaine: Well maybe she doesn't, I don't care.
Jerry: Hey! Kramer.
Kramer: hey! you got some messages.. Yeahumm.. .George, George, Elaine, George again, Elaine, Newman; but that was a crank call. and some Sally woman called said "Thanks a lot, she's quitting the business, you ruined her life.
Jerry: What! You're the one who ruined her life.
Kramer: Well that's not how she remembers it.
Jerry: Well, I got to talk her out of this.
Kramer: I thought you said she stinks
Jerry: She does stink and she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route; years of rejections and failures till she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.
Jerry: Yeah...
George: Hey! George and Janet.
Kramer: Aahh...Who's Janet?
Jerry: George's girlfriend, Elaine thinks she looks like me but I think it's as you would say,kookie talk.
Kramer: You know what woman I always thought you looked like; Leena Horne.
All: Hey, Hey!
Kramer: And you must...look exactly like Jerry. You don't see this; you're like twins .. WOoooohhhhh!!! this is eerie.
George: Kramer, what are you talking about...Janet doesn't look anything like Jerry
Janet: well maybe we do look a little like each other.
George: No..hummm, What do you know about what you look like.
Kramer: C'mon George relax . Just because they look alike doesn't mean you're secretly in love with Jerry.
George: (nervous) All right now we're going bye bye.
Janet: We just got here George
George: Well,,, it's getting dark.
Kramer: yeah, she's a nice girl, kinda quiet though.
Jerry: What are you doing? Don't tell a woman she looks like a man and George doesn't want to hear his girlfriend looks like me and frankly neither do I
Kramer: Well how should I have "broached the subject"
Jerry: You don't broach, you keep your mouth shut.
Kramer: Well sounds like someone's having a bad day.
Jerry: Yeah! Because of you.
Kramer: Well, I think one of us should leave.
Jerry: Sally, you can't quit the business. This is all because of me.
Sally: (nods) Hehumm!!
Jerry: You can't give up. You don't think people tell me I stink? When I'm on stage that's all I hear; You stink, You suck. We like magic.
Sally: Really?
Jerry: Of course, I stink, you stink. It's show bizz. everybody stinks..
Sally: Yeah! You've been stinking since the Eighties.
Jerry: All right, I think we've covered my act. Now you get out there and stink it up with everybody else.
Sally: Right!, Yesss!! Thank you I'm gonna do it. (starts to eat her food)
Jerry: NOW!!!!... (she leaves in a hurry)
Elaine: Well I've asked every one at work and nobody gets this cartoon. I mean I don't understand why no one can explain it, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
Jerry: Oh! I think we're at the bottom.
Elaine: (to George who just came in) Hey! George, Janet looks very nice and she's quite a handsome woman.
George: What does that mean?
Jerry: Yeah. What does that mean?
George: (to Jerry) What do you mean by that?
Elaine: Enjoy. (she leaves)
Jerry: Elaine huh?.. She's completely..
George: Oh! I know...'Cos you don't think Janet?..
Jerry: No...
George: Why would I...
Jerry: It's ludicrous..
George: Yes.
Jerry: For either one of us..
George: No...
Jerry: So...
George: Exactly.
Jerry: I'm not gay.
George: ...neither am I.
Both: Kramer, Kramer, get in here.
George: Where's the crazy man, Come on up.
Jerry: Come on in here.
George: Haaaaaa!!!
Jerry: What's happening? What, you doing, come and talk to us.
Kramer: I've made an important life decision.
Jerry: Lets talk about that.
George: Don't leave (George slams the door)
Kramer: Aw right. I know I've been shooting off at the mouth lately; First with that girl whose life you destroyed and.. emm...about George dating a lady Jerry
George: What's the decision?
Kramer: I know you want me to keep my big mouth shut and that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm never gonna talk again.
Jerry: Yeah right.
Kramer: What do I need to talk for.. ha!, For to blab to the neighbors about George has a new fem-Jerry friend or to tell everybody at the coffee shop ho George is all mixed up in a perverse sexual amalgam of some girl and his best friend. See now, I've done all that...Now it's time for silence.
George: Silence YES!!
Jerry: Kramer you're never gonna be able to completely stop talking.
Kramer: Jerry, ninety four percent of communications is non-verbal. Here watch.
Jerry: Well what does this mean?
Kramer: Well it's Frank and Estelle's reaction of hearing George's man love towards she-Jerry.
George: (frantic by now) SHUT UP,SHUT UP, SHUT UP,...(then leaves)
Kramer: That's the idea.
Jerry: Kramer there's no way you stick to this.
Kramer: (makes a zipper gesture to his mouth) ..Weeeeeepp!!
Jerry: Oh! you just startin' now?
Kramer: that's right...Aye oooh!! ...Right now.
Kramer: Ouch!!.....Now!!
Mr. Elinoff: So, J. Peterman wants to hire some of our cartoonists to illustrate your catalog?
Elaine: Well we're hoping that if perhaps that the catalog is a little funnier,people won't be so quick to return the clothes ha ha...For example.. I..I really do...Well I love this one
Mr. Elinoff: Oh! yeah... That's a rather clever jab at inter office politics don't you think.
Elaine: Ahan, Ahan...yeah...Euh but, Why is it that the, that the animals enjoy reading the email?
Mr. Elinoff: Well Miss Benes . Cartoons are like gossamer and one doesn't dissect gossamer. heh..hemm..
Elaine: Well you don't have to dissect if you can just tell me. Why this is suppose to be funny?
Mr. Elinoff: Ha! It's merely a commentary on contemporary mores. (slides the magazine to her)
Elaine: But, what is the comment. (she slides the magazine back to him)
Mr. Elinoff: It's a slice of life.
Elaine: No it isn't.
Mr. Elinoff: Pun?
Elaine: I don,t think so.
Mr. Elinoff: Vorshtein?
Elaine: That's not a word...You have no idea what this means do you?
Mr. Elinoff: No.
Elaine: Then why did you print it.
Mr. Elinoff: I liked the kitty.
Elaine: (gets up) You know what? you people should be ashamed of yourself, you know ya doodle a couple of bears at a cocktail party talking about the stock market. You think you're doing comedy.
Mr. Elinoff: Actually that's not bad..
Elaine: Oh! really (laughs) well you know... I have others
Jerry: Sally, I can't believe you're already doing a One-woman show?
Sally: No, no.. It's just a little performance piece I wrote... You know what? You really inspired me,oKay, a tear.
Jerry: Ah! There you are.(Kramer motions silence)
Jerry: Aw.. right, code of silence.. how's that going?...Ha!!...
Sally: Hi everybody think you're really going to like this 'cos it' about me...All right it's not just about me It's about me and this guy; Jerry Seinfeld. who I like to call; The Devil...Okay, Okay so.. I run into this Jerry on the street and he says to me " Sally, You stink, You should give up acting." Oh! I'm doing Jerry Now so you've got imagine I have ; horns, a tail and hooks instead of feet. (big laughs from the audience and Kramer is cracking up)
Jerry: (to Kramer) Oh! Shut up!!!
Elaine: She does a full hour about how you're the devil .I got to go see this thing.
Jerry: Good luck, It's sold out for the next three weeks.
Elaine: Well I bet I can get in once I mention I'm from ...The New Yorker.
Jerry: The New Yorker?
Elaine: Yes, The New Yorker, I've met with their cartoon editor and I got him to admit that that cartoon ...MADE NO SENSE...
Jerry: Wow! Good work, Nancy Drew
Elaine: Then we ended up going out to lunch and he had some great gossip about James Thurber.
Jerry: Nodding off...
Elaine: ...And he said I could submit some of my own cartoons.
Jerry: Wow! that's incredible...But you don't draw.
Elaine: I do to.
Jerry: What, your sad little horsies, the house with the little curl of smoke, the sunflower with the smiley face. the transparent cube... (as she leaves)
Elaine: It's better than your drawings of naked Lois Lane.
Jerry: Where did you see that? Those are private!!!
Sally: Jerry, sorry I'm late. Channel Nine is doing a piece on my show. Isn't that great? Do you hate me?
Jerry: No,no I tought the show was terrific. I was just wondering if you have to keep saying Jerry Seinfeld is the devil.
Sally: Well...That is the title.
Jerry: I know but I thought that maybe you could mention how I apologized then encouraged you to stick with it.
Sally: You know I workshopped that and.. SNOOZERS!!! he he he...but I'll tell you what I'll think... It's all a journey.
Jerry: You got a little shmootz there (picks something on her sweater)
Newman: Excuse me Miss Weaver, OH! My god it is you! I.. I've seen your show six times..
Jerry: What a surprise.
Newman: Aahh! You're great,It's great, It's so great to see a show that's (looks at Jerry) about something.
Driver: Where to?
George: (we hear him think) My friends are idiots, she doesn't look like Jerry. She doesn't look like anybody. And so what if does look like Jerry,what does that mean?. That I could have everything I have with Jerry but because it's a woman I could also have sex with her...And that somehow that would be exactly what I always wanted...She doesn't even look like Jerry..
Sally: You know I really do look like your friend Jerry.
George: I know...
Tv Announcer: Thanks for watching Nine News. We leave you tonight with a scene from Sally Weavers One woman show.
Sally: Ok so I go to meet Jerry Seinfeld at this horrible coffee shop right? And he's like "Hey stop doing your show." and I'm like, Hello! It's a free country. So then he goes." Okay Shmootsie" and he starts pulling at my sweater right?. He's getting, you know, Hands Across America.
Jerry: There really was shmootz on I didn't try to grab her
Sally: ...And this is what he looks like when he's eating...
Jerry: Get Out of my House!!.
Elaine: Well boys, I did it. I had to stay up all night but I finally came up with a great New Yorker cartoon.
Jerry: I'd stayed up all night I'd fixed myself up a little before I'd go out.
Elaine: That is not the point.
Jerry: some mouthwash, a hat, something.
Elaine: Just read it!
Jerry: (glances at it) Pretty good.
Elaine: Pretty good? Well uh! This is a gem . Kramer look it...(Kramer stays silent)...What? It's funny.
Jerry: It's a pig at a complain department.
Elaine: And he's saying " I wish I was taller" ha ha. See? that's his complaint.
Jerry: I get it.
Elaine: Do you!!!.. because that's not a normal complaint.
Jerry: How 'bout if it was something like " I can't find my receipt my place's a stye.
Elaine: Everything with you has to be so .. jokey.
Jerry: I'm a comedian.
Elaine: I wish I was taller, that's, that's, that's nice. that's real.
Jerry: Well I got a complaint. This cartoon stinks.
Elaine: I'll tell you who doesn't think it stinks, The New Yorker. that's right. They're publishing it in their next issue. Oh! you know what I just ran into Newman in the hall and he said you tried to grope Sally Weaver.
Jerry: oh! that's it I'm gonna put an end to this.
Elaine: The pig says "my wife is a slut."
Jerry: Now that's a complaint. ...Hello Sally, yeah this is Jerry,I just wanted to leave you a message that I caught your little piece on TV and..
Jerry: ...I'm getting a little tired of hearing how horrible I am and would appreciate it if you would leave me out of your act all together.
Jerry: (from the back of the club, leaving) That's it I'm calling in the big guns.
Sally: To cease and desist on behalf of my client, Jerry Seinfeld. Signed ; Crybaby Jerry Seinfeld's Lawyer. Ok but I got two words for you Jerry Seinfeld...(censored beep)...You
Jerry: How could she say that on TV?.. And how did she get a cable special . I 've never gotten a cable special...well that's it I'm not giving her any more material. We are incommunicado. (to the silent Kramer on the couch beside him) ...Exactly.
Elaine: Check it out, from the new issue of the New Yorker...huh!...Funny isn't it? (Dugan shrugs) Look at it, the pig wants to be taller and what's this guy gonna say?.. he he...Nothin'..he he.
Peterman: Elaine, I'm afraid I have incurred yet another flat tire.
Elaine: Can I fix that after lunch sir?
Peterman: Oh! no right away, chop, chop....Oh! a new cartoon..."I wish I was taller (hearty laugh) I'd like to see that complaint get rectified. (more laughs and he leaves)
Elaine: (to Dugan ) You see? You see? Smart people think this is funny and you want to know why? 'Cause I wrote it.
Dugan: You shouldn't make fun of pigs. (he leaves)
Peterman: (returns) Flash of lightning Elaine I just realized why I like this cartoon so much.
Elaine: Oh! Do tell sir?
Peterman: It's a Ziggy!
Elaine: A Ziggy?
Peterman: That irreverence, that wit I'd recognize it anywhere. Some charlatan has stolen a Ziggy and passed it off as his own. I can prove it. Quick Elaine, to my archives.
George: You know, you know what's great about our relationship?...It's not about looks.
Janet: It's not?
George: No, Can't be...For instance I remember when we first met, we had a great conversation.
Janet: I remember you said I was the prettiest girl at the party.
George: ...But after that we really talked didn't we?
Janet: Well,you told me how familiar I looked and that you must have seen me somewhere before.
George: Na...no ... This relationship he..he..has got to be about something and fast or I'm in very serious and weird trouble...hum What else happened?
Janet: You asked for a piece of gum because you thought your breath smelled like hummus.
George: Aw right YES! GUM! Good enough I'll take it.
Janet: I like gum.
George: I do too. you see that's what we're about . You don't remind me of anyone and we love gum.
Janet: I have gum in my hair.
George: I'm losin' it
Sally: (joining Kramer) Hey! Your Jerry's friend. You're Goofy, mind if I sit. My show is going really well. Have you seen it yet? you should. Everybody else have and you know what? I got recognized the other day, How weird is that. I know . At first I liked the attention but it's like Whoa!! take three steps back, Get a life, okay. but then there wouldn't be a Sally Weaver without the fans, know what I mean. But who am I? anyway. I mean there's Sally weaver the woman, Sally Weaver the artist, Sally Weaver the person...
Kramer: (loudly) Now you gotta shut up!...(Sally is speechless)...I'm sorry, I..I haven't spoken in days.
Sally: Well, lay it on me string bean.
Janet: Let me get this gum out of my hair and then I'll be ready for bed.
George: OK Look, the gum isn't cutting it for me. We need to be about something else...anything..please.
Janet: George.
George: Your hair?
Janet: Well I had to cut the gum out and I had a little trouble getting it even. So why don't you get undressed George. (George speeds out the door)
George: George is in big trouble...
Jerry: You ripped off a Ziggy?
Elaine: It must've seeped up my subconscious, Puddy has Ziggy bed sheets...D'you read the comics today?
Jerry: I see that Ziggy's back at the complaint department.. "The New Yorker is stealing my ideas." ha ha ha See that's funny...'cause it's real.
Elaine: Hey look it ;Sally's cable show's on (Kramer turns around to leave)
Jerry: Hey! Kramer come on in. You've got to watch this, now she's got nothing.
Sally: (on TV) Master of Evil Jerry Seinfeld has broke off all contacts with me.
Jerry: That's right sister. Why don't you just give up?
Elaine: Why are you yelling at the TV?
Sally: ..OK get this; I heard he makes his best friend date women that look just like him.Hello issues..
Jerry: Elaine, have you been talking to her?
Elaine: Hey! I'm just a fan..ha ha...
Sally: Oh and speaking of issues . Guess who got a no-polish manicure and begged his neighbor not to tell anyone?
Jerry: (to Kramer) I thought you stopped talking??
Kramer: ...All right ..Starting now...
Jerry: You broke up with her just because she cut her hair! how short?
George: like that (looking at Jerry)
Jerry: You mean like.. (points to his hair)
George: ..That.
Jerry: So she..
George: Yes..
Jerry: And you don't...
George: Nooo...
Jerry: So...
George: Exactly..
Jerry: Hmmmm...
George: We...must never ever speak of this again..
Jerry: No, no...(long pause . they stare at the walls) Hey uh.. you want to see a movie?
George: Actually I think I'm gonna take a few days off (starts to leave)
Jerry: I think that's for the best.