Elaine: You know it's bad enough you have a car phone, you have to use the speaker?
Jerry: It's safer! Plus it's more annoying to the other person.
Jerry: Oh look at this guy.
Elaine: What's goin' on?
Jerry: Oh there's a guy trying to get in front of me, he has to ask permission. Yes. Go ahead. Get in, get in.
Elaine: Did you get a thank you wave?
Jerry: No, nothing. How could you not give a thank you wave? Hey buddy! Where's my thank you wave?
Jerry: Give me that wave!
Elaine: Jerry, are you free on Friday?
Jerry: Yeah, I'm free, why?
Elaine: Ah, God, I bumped into Robin Sandusky today, she asked me to have dinner with her and her husband.
Jerry: Oh my God! You won't believe what I just saw! A car just bashed into a parked car, and sped off, right on my block!
Elaine: You gotta follow that car!
Jerry: What?
Elaine: You can't let him get away with that!
Jerry: Elaine, the guy could be dangerous.
Elaine: What are you, yellow?
Jerry: I'm not yella. (In a cowboy voice)
Elaine: Jerry, if you don't follow him, you're yella.
Jerry: Wait, he stopped, he's parking.
Elaine: What? What? I can't hear you. Jerry?
Jerry: Uh, excuse me, uh, I was uh, driving behind you, uh, a few blocks back, and I, I couldn't help, uh, maybe you didn't realize, uh, I witnessed that, uh, um, you're tire's a little low. That can affect the performance of the twin high-beam suspension, not to mention your rack and pinion steering.
Jerry: So I wound up going out for a decaf cappuccino with her.
George: Boy! What a story! I'm speechless. Speechless. I have no speech.
Jerry: You know, I really liked her. We talked. We flirted. And when she left, she reached out and touched my arm.
Jerry: He, he, he. (Simulating her feminine laugh)
George: I love when they touch your arm. I can't get enough of that. Why is that?
Jerry: Let's not even analyze it.
George: So you didn't turn her in?
Jerry: I wanted to but I couldn't go through with it.
George: Gonna see her again?
Jerry: Friday night.
Jerry: Yep.
Elaine: It's me!
Jerry: Come on up.
Jerry: By the way, Elaine does not need to know about anything.
George: Hey, hey, hey! I dig.
Jerry: Oh, you dig?
George: Yes! I see enormous potential here.
Jerry: Why?
George: Because great couples always have a great story about how they met. That's why I've never been in a long term relationship. I've never had a good meeting story.
Jerry: I wonder if I'm nuts for pursuing this woman at all.
George: I don't think so.
Jerry: Look, she slammed into a parked car! She took no responsibility for mutilating the property of a stranger, then she sped off like a criminal!
Jerry: On the other hand, does that mean she should never be allowed to date again? You scratch one car and you're forbidden to have social contact for the rest of your life?!
Jerry: What am I drinking, milk?
Elaine: Hey!
Jerry: Hi.
Elaine: Sweater.
Jerry: Thank you.
Elaine: So? What happened?
Jerry: With that?
Elaine: With the car!
Jerry: What car?
Elaine: The hit and run!
Jerry: Oh, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, the hit and run. Well. Actually, the guy went into Queens.
Elaine: Queens?! You followed him over the bridge?
Jerry: Over the bridge. (Making a pointing motion with his hand)
George: Oh, well I didn't know you went into Queens Jerry.
Jerry: Yeah, Queens.
Elaine: So? Then what?
Jerry: So he gets out of the car, I say, "Hey buddy! I saw you hit that car!" So he says to me, "What are ya gonna do about it?"
Jerry: So I said to him, "Whatever's necessary."
Elaine: I am speechless. I am without speech.
George: Tell her about the shoving.
Jerry: What?
Elaine: What shoving?!
Jerry: Oh, it was nothing.
George: No! Tell her.
Jerry: Well he kinda lost his temper, and he was pushing me up against the car. So I went into a karate stance. (Jerry assumes karate position and does two punches)
Elaine: You know karate??
Jerry: I know a little.
Elaine: Well, this is so, amazing to me! Jerry what did do?
Jerry: He backed off. Pretty pathetic actually.
Kramer: Hey! (Group does likewise)
Elaine: Did you tell Kramer?
Jerry: Ah, nah! (Waving his hand and walking away)
Kramer: What? What? What? Tell me.
Elaine: Jerry saw this guy crash into a car, and he followed him.
Kramer: Good for you! What kind of a sick lowlife would do a thing like that? You know those people, you know they're mentally disturbed. (Pointing a finger at Jerry)
Kramer: They should be sent to Australia.
Jerry: Australia?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, that's where England used to send their convicts.
Jerry: But not anymore.
Kramer: No.
Elaine: Hey Kramer, Kramer!
Kramer: Yeah?
Elaine: What happened to you right here? (She pointing to her forehead)
Kramer: I don't know!
Kramer: You know I was watching Entertainment Tonight, and uh, suddenly I got dizzy. And the next thing I know I hit my head on the coffee table.
Elaine: Well, that is, that is strange.
Kramer: Yep. (Mumbles off)
Elaine: Alright, oh Jerry, we're still on for Friday night, right?
Jerry: Oh Friday, I can't, I'm sorry, I have a date.
Elaine: But last night you said you were free! (Sounding very disappointed)
Jerry: We just met.
Kramer: Maybe it was a reaction to the sardines.
Elaine: But I, I can't go alone!
Jerry: Ask George to go with you.
Elaine: George, come on! I'll pay for you.
George: You'll pay? I'm there.
Jerry: Why do you even need anybody?
Elaine: Because I hate being at a table alone, with a married couple. Talking about their married friends, and their married furniture. They're always trying to make me feel like their life is so much better than mine. You know, I have a very exciting life. It's very exciting. (As she's closing the door to leave)
Robin: You went out with a bullfighter?
Elaine: Yes, well, an ex-bullfighter now.
Michael: Wow.
Robin: What was his name?
Elaine: His name? Name, um, his name was uh, uh, Eduardo Carochio.
George: Pass the salt please.
Robin: Where did you meet him?
Elaine: Um, actually, I met him in Switzerland, and he was fighting uh, is that the word they use? Fighting? Because they don't really fight the bull, they avoid fighting the bull.
George: Bread.
Elaine: I just love meeting new people. You know that's how you really do learn about life.
George: God bless you.
Robin: Thank you.
George: I wasn't going to say anything, but then I could see that he wasn't going to open his mouth. (Chuckles)
Woman: You know who's a good actor? Anthony Quinn.
Jerry: Oh, Anthony Quinn, fine actor. But from what I understand, not a very good driver. Hits everything on the road. But always leaves a note.
Woman: Did you ever see Zorba the Greek?
Jerry: Excellent film. In fact Quinn said he never felt so good as when he left a note after smacking into a car.
Woman: Come here. (moves in for a kiss)
George: Really, I was, I was only kidding around.
Robin: He was only joking Michael.
Michael: You think you're so damn special because you say 'God bless you'?
George: No, no, I don't think I'm special. My mother always said I'm not special.
Robin: He was only joking Michael! Sorry.
Michael: All right! Take his side!
Robin: I am not taking his side.
Michael: Well who's side are you taking?!
Robin: Well I'm not taking your side!
Jerry: Kirk Douglas. Now there's another very bad driver. But he's such an unbelievable guy, that when he hits someone, he doesn't even leave a note. He sits in his car and waits for the other person to show up so he can exchange license, registration, and apologize.
George: I said 'God bless you'. Was that so wrong?
Jerry: The question is, did you allow a space for the husband to come in with his 'God bless you'? Because as the husband, he has the right to first refusal.
Elaine: It's me.
Jerry: Come on up.
George: Yes, yes, I definitely waited. But let me say this Once he passes on that option, that 'God bless you' is up for grabs.
Jerry: No argument. Unless, she's one of these multiple sneezers, and he's holding his 'God bless you' in abeyance, until she completes the series.
George: Well I don't think she is a multiple sneezer, because she sneezed again later, and it was also a single.
Jerry: What if she's having an off night?
Elaine: Hi!
Jerry: Hi.
Elaine: Well! If it isn't mister gesuntheit!
George: Oh ya, like there's something wrong with saying 'God bless you'. I was raised to say 'God bless you'.
George: Ah, shut up.
Elaine: What does it mean anyway? 'God bless you'. It's a stupid 'stuperstition'.
Jerry: A stupid what?
Elaine: Whatever.
Jerry: You know, if you want to make a person feel better after they sneeze, you shouldn't say 'God bless you', you should say, 'You're soo good lookin''.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, that's better than 'God bless you'. Anyway, she left a message on my machine, she wants you to call her.
George: Who?
Elaine: Robin!
George: Why?!
Elaine: Well I assumed she called to apologize, that's why she called me.
Jerry: Entertainment Tonight's on.
George: Where's the remote phone?
Jerry: Bedroom.
Elaine: Hey, grab Jerry's sweater for me, would you?
Jerry: What's it like out?
Elaine: Chilly out.
Jerry: Can I take a sweater?
Elaine: Yeah, you can take a sweater if you want to.
Jerry: Scarf?
Elaine: Nah, hey, shut this off, shut it off.
Jerry: What's the matter? What's going on?
Kramer: What happened?!
Elaine: What?
Kramer: I think I hit my head again!
Jerry: What is wrong?!
Elaine: Hey, hey, wait a minute! Let me ask you something. Kramer, the last time you hit your head, was Mary Hart on TV?
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: That is it!
Kramer: What?
Elaine: That is it! Mary Hart's voice, don't you see? There's something about Mary Hart's voice that's giving you seizures. Just like, just like, just like that woman in Albany!
Kramer: Mary Hart!
George: God.
Elaine: What?
George: Well she apologized, and then she wanted to know if we could get together Wednesday afternoon.
Jerry: Get together?
George: Maybe she just wants to talk to me?
Elaine: Married women don't 'get together'. They have affairs.
George: Oh my God, an affair. That's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis, and William Holden. On the other hand it probably wouldn't cost me any money.
Elaine: Are you actually considering this?
George: I can't have an affair with a married woman, that's despicable!
Elaine: Yeah, it's like hitting a car and driving away without leaving a note.
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: Hey, you know who owns that car?
Jerry: What car?
Kramer: The one that was hit a couple of nights ago.
Jerry: Yeah who?
Kramer: That blond across the street. You know the one with the long ponytail, she wears those blue sweatpants.
Jerry: The blond with the blue sweatpants! Yeah, I think I've seen her.
Elaine: Well I've got to get going. I'm meeting a guy with grey sweatpants.
Kramer: Wait, wait, wait, how do you know it's not John Tesh?
Jerry: The blond with the blue sweatpants!
George: Well, who is she?
Jerry: I've had a crush on this woman for year! I've always been afraid to approach her! She looks like she belongs on one of these Hallmark cards.
George: Oh right, right! The blue sweatpants! Gees, it's too bad you can't say anything because of Angela.
Jerry: Oh yeah. Too bad. Angela. Lousy thug. I mean what kind of sick person does something like that? That woman belongs in prison! I mean, I actually owe it to society to do something about this! I can't sit by and allow this to go on. It's a moral issue is what it is!
George: You can't compromise your principles!
Jerry: How am I going to live with myself?!
George: Can't live!
Jerry: I'm not religious, but I certainly know where to draw the line!
George: This country needs more people like you!
Jerry: Don't sell yourself short saying 'God bless you' to every Tom, Dick and Harry in great personal risk.
George: I believe strongly in that as you know.
Jerry: There should be more people like us.
George: That's why the world's in the shape it's in.
Jerry: You're telling me.
Jerry: Anyway, I just wanted you to know, that I'm going to do everything I can to make sure the party responsible is made to be responsible or something very close to that.
Becky: Well God bless you.
Jerry: Thank you very much.
George: Oh my God. I must be crazy. What have I done?
Robin: Oh no, what's wrong?
George: What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong. I just committed adultery!
Robin: You didn't commit adultery, I did.
George: Oh yeah.
Robin: If I didn't do it with you, I would have done it with someone else.
George: Well, I wouldn't want you to do that. You know there's a lot of losers out there.
Robin: Maybe even someone who didn't say 'God bless you'.
George: Well, that's a given.
Robin: In three years with Michael, not one 'God bless you'.
George: Must be hell living in that house.
Michael: Hi, it's Michael.
Elaine: Hi, Michael!
Michael: Is Robin there?
Elaine: Robin? No, why?
Michael: Uh, she said she was going to be with you.
Elaine: No I haven't spoken to her all day-uh, yeah right, um, as a matter of fact, um, she was here, and she uh, left a note, but I wasn't here, but I have the note, uh, right here.
Michael: If she's not with you, then where is she?
Elaine: Well I, I don't know.
Michael: Is she with your bald friend from the other night?!
Elaine: No, no, come on Michael!
Michael: He's finished! I'm going to sew his ass to his face! I'm going to twist his neck so hard his lips will be his eyebrows! I'm going to break his joints, and reattach them!
Elaine: You're soo good lookin'.
Angela: Now you listen to me, suck face! You tell anybody, anything, and I will carve my initials in your brain tissue!
Jerry: Let me rephra-
Angela: I'll bash your skull into a vegematic like a bad cabbage, and I'll have a party on your head!
Jerry: Hi Elaine, this is Angela.
Angela: I'll pluck all your body hairs out with my teeth!
Jerry: Well I think I get the gist of it.
Angela: So you don't say anything to anybody about me hitting that car!
Jerry: What car?
Angela: Good. I'm glad we understand each other.
Jerry: It's not complicated.
Elaine: Very nice meeting you!
Elaine: Come on up.
Elaine: Well, well, well, Mr. Seinfeld! That must have been so frightening! When you confronted that guy, in Queens! Now, let's just see if I've got this scenario right.
Jerry: Alright Elaine.
Elaine: No, no, no, no, no. Because I'm picturing 'French Connection', kind of thing. You know? Sort of a Popeye Doyle chase through the city!
Jerry: It was just a couple of blocks.
Elaine: Oh no, no, come on. Don't be so modest!
George: Hey.
Elaine: Oh, did you check you machine?
George: No, why, what's happening?
Elaine: Michael called me today, and he asked me where Robin was.
George: Yeah, okay.
Elaine: And I said I hadn't seen her.
George: What?!
Elaine: No, no George! You don't understand! She didn't tell me she was using me as an excuse! Okay?! But then I realized what was going on, and I said that she left a note. Um, but he didn't really buy that. And then, and then he did mention your name.
George: He mentioned my name?! What did he say?!
Elaine: He said he was going to sew your ass to your face.
George: What? Why couldn't you think of something?!
Elaine: Well I don't know, he caught me off guard!
George: You lie! How hard is it to lie?!
Jerry: It's not that hard.
Elaine: Well who told you to sleep with her George?!
George: It's not my fault! I wasn't going to do anything until you got her all juiced up with your story about having the affair with the matador!
Elaine: Oh Gosh! None of this would never have happened if you wouldn't have said 'God bless you'!
George: Oh don't-
Jerry: Hold it! Hold it! Hold it people! Matador? What matador?
George: She told this couple she had an affair with a matador.
Jerry: A matador! Well, well, well. Uno momento por favor. Pray tell, what was the young man's name?
Elaine: Uh, Eduardo, uh, Carochio.
Jerry: Eduardo, Carochio! That's good. That's very good. Kind of just rolls of the tongue. I wonder where on the upper west side a single girl might meet a matador? Perhaps Zabars? Or Les Pizza!
Jerry: Anyway, this person told me to tell you to get an estimate on the damage.
Becky: Well, I already got an estimate. It's $875.
Jerry: $875?
Becky: That's right.
Jerry: Uh, well, I'll tell you what. Um, I'll give you a check, and then this person can pay me back.
Jerry: Um, who do I make it out to?
Becky: Becky Gelke. G-E-L-K-E.
Jerry: So, what are you doing this weekend?
Becky: You have got some nerve! You smash up my car, you don't admit it, and now you want to ask me out on a date?
Jerry: I didn't do it!
Becky: Yeah righ-
Jerry: You are soo good lookin'.
Becky: Thank you.
George: Jerry, let's go! You ready?
Jerry: You sure you want to do this? I'm going to be on the road for three weeks!
George: Excuse me, I've got a maniac stalking me, I'm not staying in the city.
Jerry: Alright!
George: Come on let's get out of here.
Kramer: How could you?
Jerry: What?!
Kramer: Man! I never thought you were capable of this!
Jerry: What did I do?
Kramer: I just talked to Becky Gelke outside, she told me how you hit and ran.
Jerry: I-
Kramer: I don't even want to look at you anymore! All these years of friendship and you're nothing but a felon. You're an embarrassment to the building.
Jerry: I didn't do it! I just had to pay her to cover for somebody else!
Kramer: Now you're not going to lie to me, are you?
Jerry: No, never.
Kramer: Alright. Well. Glad we got that straightened out because I've got a date with her.
Jerry: You got a date with Becky Gelke?!
Kramer: Yeah, going out with her Saturday night.
George: Jerry, can we get out of here?!
Kramer: As a matter of fact, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have even had an excuse to talk to her.
Jerry: Well I'm happy to help, in any way that I can.


Nina: (laughing) Kramer, would you hold still? I cant do this if you keep moving.
Kramer: You sure you dont want me to take my clothes off? (beat) Ill do it!
Nina: No, that's the last thing in the world I want you to do.
Kramer: Well, why dont you take your clothes off?
Nina: I dont know... I dont think Jerry would like that.
Kramer: (debonair smile) Well, itd be our little secret.
[Cut To: Jerrys apartment]
George: (bursting out of the bathroom, fumbling with his fly) Button fly! Why do they put buttons on a fly? It takes ten minutes to get these things open!
Jerry: I like the button fly.
George: (incredulous) What?
Jerry: That is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp interlocking metal teeth. Its like a mink trap down there. (beat) What are you doing today?
George: Nothing.
Jerry: I have to go meet Nina. Want to come up to her lot, check out her paintings?
George: I dont get art.
Jerry: Theres nothing to get.
George: Well, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation.
Jerry: She does a lot of abstract stuff. In fact she's painting Kramer right now.
George: What for?
Jerry: She sees something in him.
George: So do I, but I wouldn't hang it on a wall.
[Cut To: Nina's studio again-same scene]
Kramer: Are you getting the eyes? 'Cause they're brown. (beat) Or, really, they're dark brown, like rich, Columbian coffee.
Nina: Tell me about Elaine.
Kramer: She and Jerry were a big thing, like Abe Lincoln and Mary Todd.
Nina: But, they're still friends.
Kramer: Oh yeah, they're like this (holds up two fingers together).
Nina: Don't you think that's strange?
Kramer: Why, what's the difference?
Nina: Well, are you still friends with any of your ex-girlfriends?
Kramer: Well, you know... I, uh... have many relationships.
[Cut To: the door outside Nina's studio]
George: You know, I'm a little nervous.
Jerry: Why?
George: Well, you know... the friend meeting the new woman. I feel like I'm getting fixed up for a friendship.
Jerry: I don't know how long this is gonna last.
George: Really? I thought you liked her.
Jerry: I do... she's got like a jealousy thing. She doesn't like me having fun with anyone but her. (knocks on the door)
George: You know, it's a miracle you're not married. (beat) Hey, I'm not obligated to buy anything, am I?
Jerry: Hi, Nina. (smooch) This is my friend George.
Nina: How nice to meet you, I've heard a lot about you. (George nods)
Jerry: (walking over to where Kramer is posing) Hey, look at this guy!
Kramer: Yeah!
Jerry: (to Nina) I brought George up to see some of your paintings.
Nina: Oh, are you interested?
George: (looking uncomfortable) Um... yeah! Sure, sure I'm interested.
Kramer: George, you gonna buy a painting?
George: (gritting teeth) Yeah, sure.
Nina: Are you an art-lover?
George: I am an art-adorer! I adore art.
Nina: Great! Well, take a look around. Pick out something you like. (George reluctantly begins to look around, while Jerry strolls over to the painting-in-progress [Kramer] and picks up a brush.)
Jerry: May I? (pantomimes making a big "X" across the painting)
Nina: (laughing) Get outta here! (beat) Here, play with this. (hands Jerry a small white envelope)
Jerry: What's this?
Nina: My father gave me four tickets to the Yankee game for Saturday afternoon. Owner's box, first row behind the dugout.
Jerry: (sincerely disappointed) Oh, Saturday... I'm working, I'm going out of town.
Nina: Oh, well. I'm not gonna go without you. Do you guys want 'em?
Kramer: (immediately) Yeah.
Jerry: They're right behind the dugout, George, first row!
George: Behind the dugout, are you kidding? How did you get them?
Nina: Oh, my father's the Yankees accountant... it's the owner's box.
George: All my life I've dreamed of sitting front row, behind the dugout!
Nina: (gesturing towards a small, ugly painting George was apparently look-ing at and happens to be holding) You like that one?
[Cut To: Saturday, the game. George, Kramer, and Elaine are being lead to their seats]
George: Look at where we are! (referring to the seat usher) He's not stopping! He just keeps going and going and going! (the usher abruptly stops at the second row) We're not in the first row?
Usher: No, no, these are your seats.
George: She said first row! Right behind the dugout!
Elaine: Well, it's the second row. It's just as good.
George: I was all primed for the first row; I was gonna put my feet up on the dugout!
Elaine: Would you shut up? These are great! You can't get any better than this.
George: Oh, there's better, (pointing at the row in front of them) right there, that's better.
Kramer: Right. (Elaine giggles) Oh boy... okay, who wants a dog? (Kramer hands out the hot dogs)What a great day!
Elaine: I could've been at my boss' son's bris right now.
George: (amused) You're supposed to do that?
Elaine: (shrugs) Yeah. (beat) What makes you think anyone would want to go to a circumcision?
George: I'd rather go to a hanging.
Elaine: Anyway, I called him back... I told him I had to go visit my father in the hospital in Maryland. (George laughs)
Kramer: (screaming at the players on the field) YOU BETTER CATCH IT,
Man: George?
George: Yeah?
Man: Hi. I'm Leonard West, Nina's father.
George: Hi! Mr. West, this is my friend Elaine-
Elaine: Hi!
Kramer: (screaming again) HEY, 230 AIN'T GONNA CUT IT IN THIS TOWN, BABE!
George: -and this is Kramer.
Kramer: Oh, hey.
West: So how are the seats?
George: Okay.
Elaine: Great, great.
Kramer: Yeah.
West: George, I heard you bought one of Nina's paintings.
George: Yeah, it's being framed right now. I don't even know what it costs. (beat) Not, uh, too expensive, is it?
West: Well, if you have a lot of money.
West: (leaving) Well, enjoy the game. (beat - to Elaine) I think you better take off that Orioles cap.
Elaine: (thinking he's joking) Yeah. I better!
West: No, no, no. Seriously. You're in the owner's box, and I don't think it's a good idea.
Elaine: You're not serious.
West: Yes, yes, yes, I am!
Elaine: Well, did he say that?
West: No, no, but he gave me the seats. I don't think he'd like it if you wore an Orioles cap.
Elaine: Well maybe you should ask him!
West: I don't have to ask him! Now are you gonna take the hat off or not?
Elaine: No! I don't have to take it off, why should I take it off? This is ridiculous!!
George: Just take the cap off.
Elaine: George, we are at a baseball game! This is America!
West: Look. Either you take the cap off, or you'll have to leave.
Elaine: Well, I don't care, I'm not taking it off.
George: Just take the cap off!
Elaine: No!
Kramer: Hey! Just wait a minute. We just got here!
George: (to Elaine) Do you want us to go with you?
Kramer: (getting up) I'll go get your hat, George.
Elaine: (sarcastically, to George) Stay!
George: Okay, we'll go!
(Meanwhile Kramer Is Climbing Over The Dugout Retrieve George'S Cap... The Camera Cuts To The Field Where The Batter Hits A Pop Fly To Where Kramer Is: the ball knocks him squarely in the head, he falls off the dugout onto the crowd)
Elaine: ...and then the ball hits him in the head and he falls right over the railing!
Jerry: Is he okay?
Elaine: Well, yeah, he's fine! We took him to the emergency room, and you know, the x-rays were all negative. (beat) It was quite a day!
Jerry: This is the most amazing story I've ever heard-why did he want you to take off the baseball cap? That is so insane!
Elaine: I know! Can you imagine that?
Jerry: How you feeling?
Kramer: Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (beat-holds up newspaper) Hey, we made the paper. Eh? Look at this- page 2, sports section... we're all in the picture.
Elaine: Wha- a picture?
Kramer: A picture.
Elaine: OUR PICTURE'S IN THERE??
Kramer: Uh-huh.
Elaine: (gasps) I cannot believe this!
Jerry: (pointing) There's George!
Kramer: Yup, yup!
Elaine: Ohmygod! Lippman could see this! He thinks I was visiting my father! Oh my g-I make up one little white lie and they put my picture in the paper!
[Cut To: Lippman's office. Lippman is at his desk, Elaine enters.]
Elaine: Hi, Mr. Lippman.
Lippman: How's your father?
Elaine: My, my father?
Lippman: Yeah. You, you went to see him, right?
Elaine: Yeah.
Lippman: Uh-huh.
Elaine: I went to visit him.
Lippman: Uh-huh. So, what was wrong with him?
Elaine: Well, you name it, uh, neuritis, uh, neuralgia...
Lippman: But-but he's feeling better now?
Elaine: Um, yup. Yes, yes, it just... such a miracle, um. My visit must have buoyed (Elaine says "boyed") his spirits.
Lippman: (correcting her) Boo-eed.
Elaine: What-what did I say?
Lippman: You said "boyed."
Elaine: I did?
Lippman: Yeah.
Lippman: Well, I got a plane to catch.
Elaine: Oh! Where are you going?
Lippman: Going to Houston. It's a publisher's convention. (beat) Can I have my sports section?
Elaine: Ah. ...Yeah.
Lippman: I've been saving it for the plane. I never miss the Sunday sports section.
Elaine: There's nothing to read, it's just yesterday's news. You know, the Yankees won, the Mets lost, Ricky Henderson's unhappy...
Lippman: Right, right. (starts to take the paper from Elaine's hand; Elaine holds on tight.) What, what are you doing?
Elaine: Wha- oh! (noticing her hand) Oh, god! (laughs) That is the THIRD time today I have done that! BLAAAH! (laughs again) Grabbing news- papers... I'm just tugging at 'em... (laughs)
Lippman: Gotta go.
Elaine: Okay! Well, you know, have a nice trip, and uh... alrighty! (beat) I'll just hold down the, uh, fort!
[Cut To: Nina's studio. Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong are admiring Nina's "Kramer."]
Mrs.Arm: I sense great vulcrability. A land child crying out for love, an innocent orphan in the post-modern world.
Mr. Arm: I see a parasite.
Mrs.Arm: A sexually-depraved miscrient, who is seeking to gratify only his most basic and immediate urges.
[Cut To: Another part of the studio where Jerry and Nina are arguing.]
Nina: She was a guest of my father's. She should've taken the cap off.
Jerry: It's preposterous! They ask someone to take off a baseball cap at a baseball game. (beat) How can you defend that?
[Cut To: Armstrongs admiring painting again.]
Mrs.Arm: He is struggled, he is man-struggled. He lifts my spirit!
Mr. Arm: He is a loathsome, offensive brute, yet I can't look away.
[Cut To: Jerry and Nina again.]
Jerry: Look, I'm really getting tired off all the fighting. Maybe we should just end this before we really start hating each other.
Nina: Oh, well, you wouldn't want that because you always have to remain friends!
Jerry: Well, I like to remain friends with people I was friends with!
Nina: Hey - why don't you just go then! And - oh, give this to George. Tell him he owes me $500!
[Cut To: Armstrongs]
Mrs.Arm: He transcends time and space.
Mr. Arm: He sickens me.
Mrs.Arm: I love it.
Mr. Arm: Me too.
[Cut To: Jerry's apartment.]
George: Five-hundred dollars?! What?
Jerry: That's what she told me!
George: I'm not paying $500 for this! It's a piece of junk!
Jerry: That's what it costs!
George: Why did you even take it? You broke up with her!
Jerry: I wasn't thinking! I don't know.
George: You weren't thinking.
Jerry: Well, she framed it and everything.
George: Well, I'm not buying it. No way. Forget it. No way I'm buying this! (beat) I mean, look at it! What is it? It's a bunch of squiggly lines! (beat) Are you telling me you couldn't paint this?
Jerry: Do you want me to paint you something? I'd love to paint you some- thing!
George: I'm not paying for this. If you were going out with her, it'd be a different story.
Kramer: (entering, handing Jerry a piece of paper) This was in front of your door.
George: Hey, Kramer.
Kramer: Hi, Mike.
Jerry: (looking at the paper) Wow, a letter from Nina!
Kramer: (notices the painting) Whoa, man! That is the ugliest thing I've ever seen!
Jerry: (reading note) Oh my god!
George: What?
Jerry: This is amazing, you can't believe this!
George: What's it say?
Jerry: Listen to this "I don't know what you expect to find out there, Jerry, you know what you want better than me. But there's one thing I do know. I know I can stand here watching you destroy everything I've ever wanted in my life, wanting to smash your face with my fists, because you won't make even the slightest effort to offer happiness and still know that I love you. You mean so much to me that I'm will-ing to take all your abuse and insults and insensitivity."
George: WOW!
Kramer: (emotionally) She's deep.
Jerry: (reading on) "...'cause that's what you need to do to prove I'm not going to leave you. I'm sick and tired of running from places and people and relationships. You want me, that fight for me, becau-"
Kramer: You know Jerry, she sounds like a poet!
Jerry: No one's ever written me a letter like this. Maybe I was wrong about her!
Kramer: (pushing Jerry towards the phone) Yeah! Get in there and give her a call. Pick up the phone and call her!
Jerry: Should I?
Kramer: (screaming) YES! YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU SHOULD! (hysterically) Fight for her, Jerry, she's sure as hell fighting for you!
Jerry: ALL RIGHT, all right! I'll call her.
[Cut To: Jerry's apartment, another day. Jerry is helping Nina put on her coat. The TV is on a horse race.]
Jerry: SHOT! (the sound of a shot on the TV is heard) I told ya! (the inter- com buzzes) Yeah?
George: (on intercom) It's George.
Jerry: Come on up. (to Nina) Well, now we gotta get a posse together. I love a good posse.
Nina: What's the appeal of the posse?
Jerry: The appeal of the posse? The posse has tremendous appeal. Get away from the job, camp out, you're with your friends... Come on, it's a week-long game of hide-and-seek on horseback.
Nina: Hello, George.
George: Hey, Nina! (beat) I owe you some money, don't I?
Nina: Well, I really love that piece.
George: Oh, yeah, me too, me too. Boy oh boy oh boy...! You know, in fact, I've been thinking about it, and I feel like I'm stealing from you! Five-hundred dollars! It's gonna be worth thousands soon! You know what? On second thought, I can't even accept it.
Nina: No, no no no, George! A deal's a deal. I want you to have it!
George: This could be in a museum some day! It's not safe with me! It should really be in a doormanned building.
Nina: Honestly, George, the money's not important.
George: Who said anything about money? (intercom buzzes)
Jerry: Yeah?
Elaine: (on intercom) It's Elaine.
Jerry: Come on up.
Nina: Elaine?
Jerry: ...Yeah.
Nina: (rolling eyes) This person does not believe in telephones, does she?
Jerry: She likes the pop-in. I've told her how I hate the pop-in. (pointing to George) He likes the pop-in, too.
George: I just popped in now. I'm a big pop-in guy.
Jerry: Yeah.
George: How 'bout Kramer.
Jerry: HUGE pop-in guy!
Nina: Well, I was leaving anyway, so, uh, we're on for tomorrow?
Jerry: Yeah.
Nina: Okay.
Jerry: Okay!
Nina: Bye. (just as Nina is about to leave, Elaine walks in.)
Elaine: (to Nina) Hello!
Elaine: (sarcastic) Chatty gal. (beat) Lippman's coming back tomorrow, I'll be fired!
Jerry: If he noticed, he would have called you from Houston!
Elaine: No, he wants to torture me.
[Cut To: later on that night. George, Elaine, and Jerry are watching TV.Jerry, with the remote, is furiously flipping through channels.]
Elaine: (annoyed) Oh! Would you gimme the clicker? I hate it when you're the clicker! You go too fast! (Elain makes a grab for the clicker, instigating a tug-o-war between Elaine and Jerry over the clicker)
Jerry: (tugging at the clicker) I'm a great clicker! (gets the clicker back) Great instincts. How dare you impune my clicking.
Elaine: You're all over the dial! You don't know what you want! I've never seen you stay on anything for more than 5 seconds. Gimme that.
Jerry: Let go!
Elaine: No, come on! I want it, Jerry!
Jerry: Let go, Elaine!
Elaine: Well at least let George do it!
Jerry: Oh, George can't click! (George joins in the fight)
George: (as Jerry and Elaine continue to whine) Give it! Give it! (he finally gets the remote away from them) Pinheads.
Jerry: Wait, wait a second! Go back, go back to that. (they watch it a little longer)
Elaine: It's Chapter 2, it's Neil Simon.
Jerry: (on to something) Wait a second... wait a second!! (he watches the TV for another minute) The letter, that's the letter!
Elaine: What letter?
Jerry: This is the letter she wrote to me, she stole it right from the movie!
Jerry: "...'cause you don't even make the slightest effort to offer happiness still know that I love you!!"
George: This is incredible!
Jerry: I always thought there was something funny about this letter! She copied it right out of Chapter 2! She a thief, a bunko-artist!
George: Maybe I won't send her that check.
Elaine: You know, it's not really that terrible.
Jerry: What are you talking about? She completely misrepresented herself! (mimicking the letter) I don't offer happiness. I offer happiness! James Caan doesn't offer happiness!
[Cut To: Lippman's office. Lippman is on the phone when Elaine walks in and places something on his desk. After she does, she tries to leave but Lippman, still on the phone, motions for her to stay in the room]
Lippman: (into phone)...yeah, yeah. But she wouldn't take the cap off? (beat) But didn't she know they were the owner's seats? (beat) Aw, that's unbelievable. (beat) Yeah. Okay. Alright Lenny, thanks again. Take care. (hangs up the phone, and then, to Elaine) That was Lenny West, my accountant, who is a hell of a guy. And he handles the Yankees too; it's his biggest account. So every once in a while they throw him a couple of seats and last weekend he gave them to his daughter. She's an artist, by the way. Anyway, her daughter gives 'em to some friends, you know. One of her friends shows up wearing a Baltimore cap! (beat) You're from Baltimore, right?
Elaine: Um, oh, it's Townscend, which is NEAR Baltimore.
Lippman: Yeah, but you're an Oriole fan, right?
Elaine: Well, uh, fan. My father-
Lippman: Anyway, she refused to take the cap off; caused a whole big scene!
Elaine: Really?
Lippman: Yeah.
Elaine: So... impudent.
Lippman: Yeah, so Lenny gave me the tickets for tomorrow night. I'm inviting Frank and Marsha. 'Wantcha to come.
Elaine: (pause) Ah. I've-I've got plans, though, Mr. Li-
Lippman: Well, break 'em. You missed the bris, I want you at the game.
Elaine: (very reluctant) Okay.
Lippman: Good. (Elaine stars to leave) Oh-and Elaine. You know the Baltimore cap you got in your office? Wear it. I'm gonna have a little fun with him.
Elaine: That will be fun.
[Cut To: Nina's studio. Nina is working on a painting. Jerry is watching her, sitting on the sofa.]
Jerry: How's it coming?
Nina: Good, good.
Jerry: Seen any good movies lately?
Nina: No... not really. You?
Jerry: No. I like a good comedy. You know, like a Neil Simon? You like Neil Simon?
Nina: Neil Simon? Uh, some of his stuff.
Jerry: I've seen MOST of it. I guess my favorite would have to be, uh... Chapter 2. Have you ever seen that?
Nina: I don't know... maybe.
Jerry: I have. Funny, funny. In fact it was on TV just the other night. Happened to catch it. (a knock is heard at the door) I couldn't help notice a STUNNING similiarity- (Jerry is interrupted as Nina opens answer the door...)
Mr. Arm: Well, we've made our decision. We want "The Kramer."
[Cut To: Jerry's apartment, night. Jerry and George are watching a baseball game and talking.]
George: Five-thousand? Why would anybody buy Kramer for $5000? (laughs)
Jerry: Boy, the Yankees cannot buy a hit tonight!
George: So is it all over between you and... Marsha Mason?
Jerry: Yeah. (picks up Nina's painting George bought) And by the way, can you get this thing outta my house?
George: Tell you what, I'll make a deal with you. I'll sell it to you right now for ten bucks.
Tvvoice: Uh, there's seems to be a lot of trouble in the area just behind the Yankee dugout.
George: Behind the dugout, that's where we were sitting the other day.
Tvvoice: Well, we're not going to show it, we don't want to encourage that kind of behavior. Say, it's a young lady, and boy she's really going at it with the security guard. She's a fiesty one. And now they're getting the other security guard to come down. How do you like that Seegers? Boy, she's someting. (beat) And a ball to left field..."
[Cut To: the Armstrong's dining room. Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong are having Kramer over for dinner.]
Kramer: ...then, when I was seventeen, I ran away from home and hopped a steamship to Sweden. (beat) This steak is excellent, by the way.
Mrs.Arm: More potatoes?
Kramer: Yeah, sure. Please.
Mr. Arm: Yes, yes. Go on. You hopped a steamship to Sweden?
Kramer: Yeah. (beat) And, it was a big one.


Kramer: Hey. I got some bad news for you, buddy. I think your car got stolen again.
Jerry: What are you talking about?
Kramer: Well you parked it on eighty-fourth and Columbus, right?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: Yep, well I just walked by there and that car is gone.
Jerry: Oh yeah, I know.
Kramer: Well, where is it?
Jerry: What's the difference?
Kramer: Well, there's no difference, you know, I'm just curious.
Jerry: You always have to know everything that's going on, don't you?
Kramer: What happened to the car?
Jerry: If I don't tell you it will kill you, won't it?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, it'll kill me.
Jerry: You have to know, you must know.
Kramer: I must know.
Jerry: Well, I'm not telling you.
Kramer: Oh, come on.
Jerry: Nope. I don't think so.
Kramer: Well, please?
Jerry: Not today, pal.
Kramer: Okay, I beg you.
Jerry: Now see? Just saying beg doesn't make it a real beg. You gotta put some beg into it.
Kramer: Okay, please! Please tell me!
Jerry: Alright, I'll tell you, but your begging needs a lot of work.
Kramer: Okay, okay, what is it? Come on.
Jerry: I loaned the car to George.
Kramer: Ah, George, alright. Well, what for?
Jerry: George and Elaine went to a flea market in Westchester, okay?!
Kramer: Alright.
Jerry: Huh?
Kramer: Huh. I mean, what do they want to go there for?
Jerry: Will you stop it already?!
Kramer: You know, why didn't they ask me to go?
Jerry: I don't know! How am I supposed to know?!
Kramer: What, they don't like me?
Jerry: *I* don't like you!
Kramer: If they like me, why don't they ask me to go? Oh yeah.
George: I really think it looks good.
Elaine: Ten bucks, how can you go wrong?
George: All bald people look good in hats.
Elaine: You should have lived in the twenties and thirties, you know men wore hats all the time then.
George: What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.
Elaine: Well, you can wear a hat all the time now. Who's stopping you?
George: No, I can't. What if I meet a woman? I'd always be worried about that first moment where I'd take it off and see that look of disappointment on her face.
Elaine: Are you sure you like these sunglasses?
Kramer: Well I'm very disappointed in George and Elaine. And you know I'm somebody you don't want to have on your bad side.
Jerry: Why not?
Kramer: Because I'm like ice, buddy. When I don't like you, you've got problems. (notices some snacks on the table) Oh, is this for the fight?
Jerry: Yep. (checks watch) Starts in thirty-five minutes.
Kramer: Oh hey, you know I invited Mike Moffit. You don't mind, do you?
Jerry: No, I like Mike.
Kramer: Yeah, I just got off the phone with him, you know we had a great conversation.
Jerry: Oh yeah? What did you talk about?
Kramer: Well actually we talked about you. Yeah. He had some pretty interesting things to say.
Jerry: Oh yeah? What did he say?
Kramer: You have to know everything, don't you?
Jerry: No, come on, Kramer. What did he say?
Kramer: Why is that? Why do you have to know everything?
Jerry: Kramer, just tell me what the guy said.
Kramer: Beg me.
Jerry: Please, don't make me beg.
Kramer: No no no, I want you to beg me. And I don't want you to say it, I just want you to put some beg into it. Go on.
Jerry: Kramer, please tell me what the guy said.
Kramer: No no no, that's no good. No, I really don't think that's a beg. No, it's close, but uh...
Jerry: Kramer!
Kramer: Look, I can't say anything. You know, the guy told me the stuff in confidence, I'd be betraying a friend.
Jerry: Well you can't just mention it and then not tell me.
Kramer: Alright. I'll tell you but you can't say anything to him.
Jerry: I'm not saying anything, I'm putting it in the vault, I'm locking the vault, it's a vault!
Kramer: He thinks you're a phony.
Jerry: He what?
Kramer: I told you, he thinks you're a phony.
Jerry: A phony? He called me a phony?
Kramer: A big phone. A big one.
Jerry: Why did you tell me that if I can't say anything?!
Kramer: You begged me.
George: Do you hear that?
Elaine: Of course I hear that.
George: You had to move the mirror?
Elaine: I wanted to check out my sunglasses.
George: I went to look in the mirror, it wasn't there. You threw off my equilibrium.
Elaine: Oh yeah, blame it on me because you can't drive, George.
George: I can't drive?
Elaine: Yeah.
George: Nobody drives like me. Nobody. I'm doing things in this car, you have no idea they're going on. Wanna see me make a right turn from the left lane? Watch this.
Elaine: No, I really don't.
George: And I can make a left turn from the right lane too.
Elaine: I'm sure you could.
George: What are we gonna tell Jerry about the car?
Elaine: I don't know.
George: Alright, start looking for spaces.
Elaine: Oh, you're never gonna find a space on Jerry's block, just put it in a garage.
George: Look, I have my system. First I look for the dream spot right in front of the door, then I slowly expand out in concentric circles.
Elaine: Oh come on, George, please put it in a garage. I don't want to spend an hour looking for a space.
George: I can't park in a garage.
Elaine: Why?
George: I don't know, I just can't. Nobody in my family can pay for parking, it's a sickness. My father never paid for parking; my mother, my brother, nobody. We can't do it.
Elaine: I'll pay for it.
George: You don't understand. A garage. I can't even pull in there. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free? (he hears a horn honking) What? What do you want? Go around me, I'm looking for spaces.
Elaine: (pointing backwards) Oh George, there's a space right there!
George: (putting the car in reverse) Oh beautiful! Look at that, the dream space right in front of Jerry's building. Huh? Dreams can come true, what did I tell you?
Elaine: You didn't even have to take it out to dinner.
George: Alright, now you're gonna see some parallel parking. (spitting into his hands and rubbing them together) How I wish you could make a living parallel parking. (turning around in his seat) It's all geometry, knowing all the angles, when to make that first turn and then when to swing it back in, that's the key.
Elaine: Will you just park it already?
George: There's nothing I can even impart to you, that's the sad thing. It's so inborn, I can't pass it on. (begins backing into the space) Look at this guy. Are you crazy, what are you doing?! Hey! Hey, you're stealing my space!
Elaine: George, wait, you don't know who this guy is, people kill for a parking space in this city.
George: No no no, he's not getting away with this.
Elaine: George?
George: Hey, what are you doing?
Mike: I think I'm parking my car.
George: You can't do that, you can't just sneak in from the back like that.
Mike: I'm not sneaking. I didn't even know you were parking, you were just sitting there three spaces up.
George: Well if you didn't think I was parking, why did you put it in head first?
Mike: Well that's the way I park. Anyway, you didn't start backing in until I pulled in.
George: I was in the middle of a conversation.
Mike: Hey, buddy, what can I tell you?
George: The point is I was here first.
Mike: I was closer to this space than you were.
George: But I'm backing in! You can't put it in head first!
Mike: I can if I have room!
George: Are you gonna move the car?
Mike: No, I'm not gonna move the car.
George: Jerk!
Mike: Oh, you're not?
George: Do you believe this guy?
Elaine: Come on, we'll put it in a garage.
George: I am not putting it in a garage, it's my space.
Elaine: What are you gonna do, you just gonna leave it here like this? Uh. I'm going upstairs.
George: Are you coming back down?
Elaine: Yeah, I gotta tell Jerry we're here. I gotta go to the bathroom.
George: Alright, just make sure he reserves the good chair for me. Wait, what are you gonna tell him about the clanking noise in the car?
Elaine: Me? No no no, you. You're gonna tell him. I'm not gonna tell- Noo.
George: Oh, come on, you're good at this.
Elaine: What am I gonna say?
George: I don't know, I don't know, you'll think of something.
Elaine: Oh god, I need a drink, do you got any Hennigan's here?
Jerry: Yeah, under the counter. What happened?
Elaine: Oh god. Oh, Jerry it was so terrible what we just went through on the way home. (pouring a big shot of scotch) You wouldn't believe it. (pushing a bag of chips off the counter)
Jerry: (bending down to pick up the chips) Tell me what happened.
Elaine: (after pouring the shot in the sink while Jerry was distracted and pretending to have downed it) Okay. Now listen. We were at the toll booth at the Henry Hudson Parkway, okay?! And there were these, like, this pack of extremely wild teenagers in a convertible behind us, okay?! And for some reason, I don't know, they just started to taunt us! And so then we payed the toll, and then we went through, and then they started to follow us, alright?! So George tries to lose them, and, and, but they were in this really like a souped up car, you know?! And so he turned off the road really suddenly and the car was on two wheels and I was just screaming! And then, George is such a great driver.
Jerry: He is?
Elaine: Oh, he is fantastic! And then they fired a gun right up in the air.
Jerry: A gun?!
Elaine: I think it was a gun. And then they followed us all the way into the city, and then they just stopped and they turned around and they went home.
Jerry: My god, are you okay?
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, I'm alright. Oh, by the way, the car hit a pothole and now it's making a clanking noise.
Jerry: Well, I mean, as long as you're okay, that, that's the important thing.
Elaine: Exactly.
Jerry: Where's George now?
Elaine: Oh, he's out in front of the building. He's arguing with some guy about a parking space.
Jerry: What are you talking about?
Elaine: Look out the window, you'll see.
Jerry: (leaning out the window) Hey Georgie!
George: Hey!
Jerry: Are you okay?
George: Yeah, I'm fine.
Jerry: Crazy kids, huh?
George: What?
Elaine: (desperate to distract Jerry) Ow!! (Jerry looks over) It's my cuticle.
Mike: Is that Jerry? Jerry?!
Jerry: Oh, hey Mike.
George: What, you know Jerry?
Mike: Yeah, I know Jerry.
George: How do you know him?
Mike: What's the difference?
George: Because I know him too, and probably a lot better than you.
Mike: Well, bully for you. Hey, Jerry! You know your friend here's a real piece of work!
Jerry: I'm coming down.
Mike: Hey, will you tell Kramer I'm outside?
George: What, you know Kramer?!
Elaine: Hi.
Kramer: (acting standoffish) Hello.
Jerry: Hey, your friend Mike's outside, he wants to talk to you.
Kramer: (out the window) Hey, Mike! Come on up, the fight's almost starting!
George: And you're watching the fight at Jerry's?
Mike: Yeah.
George: Oh great.
Elaine: You know that guy downstairs?
Jerry: Yeah, he's a real phony.
Kramer: What's going on?!
Mike: Hey, will you come on down? This guy's in my space!
George: It's my space!
Kramer: I'll be down in a minute.
Elaine: Are you going down?
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: Is anything wrong?
Kramer: (leaving) Why should anything be wrong?
Elaine: (heading for the bathroom) Be down in a minute.
Mike: Hey pal, you're not getting that space. I mean, I'll sleep in my car if I have to.
George: I'll die out here.
Bystander #1: He was down there. Once he passed his front bumper, it's no longer his space.
Bystander #2: No, it doesn't matter. He was-
Mike: Hey! Jerry! Long time no see!
Jerry: Hi Mike. (Noticing George's fedora) Indiana.
Mike: Hey Krame! You know this guy?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I know him.
Mike: (to Jerry) You're looking tremendous. What are you on some kind of regimen?
Jerry: Yeah, twenty-five percent bran flakes. The forty percent was too much so I found a store to mix it up special for me, they take it down another fifteen percent.
Mike: (laughing way too loud and hard) Ha ha ha ha!!! That's killer! Killer! I love that! Ha ha ha!!! You gotta use that, that's a definite!! Ha ha ha!!!
George: Oh, come on.
Mike: Hey! Your friend here has some real problems.
George: Me? You see what he did here, you see how he tried to sneak into my space?
Mike: Hey, just 'cause I went in front first doesn't mean I'm sneaking in.
George: You only went in front first 'cause you saw me backing up and you didn't have room to parallel park!
Mike: I only went in front first 'cause I could make it in front first and if you pull out I'll show you!
George: You've got a prayer.
Kramer: I go in front first all the time.
Jerry: Front first, that's how you park when you're pulling a bank job.
George: Did you talk to him?
Elaine: Yeah, it's all taken care of.
George: You told him? What did you tell him?
Elaine: I did a number on him, it was a thing of beauty, you really had to have been there to appreciate it.
George: I don't believe it, what did you say?
Elaine: I told him a pack of teenagers in a convertible were terrorizing us and they followed us into the city.
George: A pack of teenagers?
Elaine: Yeah, by the time I got to the end of the story, he was to relieved that we were alive he couldn't care less about the car.
George: You are a genius, it's as simple as that.
Elaine: What can I say, you know? It's a gift. I only wish I could teach it but, you know it's inborn.
Kramer: By the way, thanks a lot for inviting me to the flea market.
Elaine: What?
Kramer: Yeah, Jerry, he told me all about it.
George: Oh great.
Jerry: I didn't know.
Elaine: Oh, so that's why you were acting so funny.
George: Well I didn't know you wanted to go to the flea market.
Mike: A flea market? You went to a flea market??
George: Hey, who's talking to you?
Elaine: We just didn't think of you.
Kramer: You said it, sister.
George: What? Every time I leave my house now I have to call everybody I know and ask them if they want to do what I'm doing?
George: Great move, telling him, by the way, real smart move.
Jerry: I didn't know I wasn't supposed to say anything!
George: Judgement, Jerry, judgement! You exercised no judgement.
Jerry: You're right. My fault.
Elaine: Kramer? I'm so sorry, really.
George: Yeah, I'm sorry.
Kramer: I'm sorry, I don't care for that sorry.
George: What was wrong with that sorry? It was a good sorry. Jerry, was that a good sorry?
Jerry: It was a so-so sorry.
Truck Driver: Hey! Move this car, I gotta get through!
George: You heard the man. I guess you gotta be moving your car.
Mike: And like you're not gonna just back it in if I do that?
Truck Driver: Well somebody better move something soon! I got a truck full of ice cream here!
Elaine: You see, they had to move the cars so the truck could get through, right? But these guys don't trust each other so they got these two nonpartisan drivers to move them.
Jerry: Wild pack of teenagers, huh?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Amazing how they picked you, out of everyone, to terrorize.
Elaine: Yeah. I know, I said to myself, 'Why us?' You remember?
George: Uh huh.
Jerry: Sounds like you did some pretty nifty maneuvering,
George: Well, you know, It's interesting, you know, under that pressure, what you're capable of.
Elaine: Right.
George: I learned a lot about myself.
Jerry: What did you do to my car?!
George: I couldn't help it! Elaine moved the mirror, I got discombobulated.
Elaine: Oh, like you've ever been bobulated.
Jerry: I thought you said you were a good driver!
George: No no, I never said I was a good driver, I said I was a good parker.
Jerry: I think you said driver.
George: Parker, I never said driver, I said parker, a great parker.
Mike: Will you move it up a little bit?
George: No no no, that's in the right position.
Mike: No no, I was further in.
George: No you weren't. Stop there, that's fine.
Mike: Do you mind?
George: Do you?
Sid: Hey, somebody better move these cars, you're making a commotion.
Jerry: Hey Sid.
Mike: Who are you?
Sid: Never mind who I am. I know who I am. Do you know who you are? (to George) Why is it every time you park a car in this block, everything gets disrupted and disjointed?
George: Sid, it's completely his fault.
Mike: Oh, right.
Sid: Why don't you start taking the bus?
Jerry: Okay, George. Come on, let's go. I'm putting it in a garage. The fight's starting in two minutes.
George: Don't do it!
Jerry: What are we gonna do, stay out here all night?
George: Yes! I'm not giving him the satisfaction, it's my space.
Elaine: Why don't you just flip a coin already?
George: No no, this is a matter of principle. That would just be saying that anybody could just pull into any parking space any way they want. Well I'm making a stand here. I'm saying *no* to head first parking. I'm not putting up with that. We put up with too much crap in this city, we're not putting up with head first parking.
Elaine: You know, maybe if you hadn't been sitting there pontificating about what a great parker you were, you might have got the space.
George: So you're against me now?
Angry Man: He could have pulled up to the car and backed in, but he chose to go in head first.
Matthew: No he couldn't, because the other car was already backing in.
Angry Man: No he wasn't.
Matthew: All that matters is who was there first.
Angry Man: Ahh, you're not even old enough to drive, you little puke.
Matthew: You just spit on me!
Angry Man: Don't you raise your voice to me!
Matthew: You're not my father.
Jerry: Hey Matthew.
Matthew: Hi Jerry. This guy's really a jerk.
Jerry: How ya doing?
Matthew: Okay.
Jerry: Hey, how's your father? I hear he's closing his store.
Matthew: What?!
Jerry: Oh no, nothing.
Matthew: What's happened to daddy? He's going out of business?
Jerry: No, no, no, no.
Matthew: We're not going to have any money? We're out of money?
Jerry: No, of course not, of course not!
Matthew: Mommy!? Jerry says daddy's closing the store. He's going out of business. We don't have any money?
Maryedith: Jerry?! What's the matter with you?
Jerry: I didn't-
Maryedith: (to Kramer) Boy, I don't know about your friend, Jerry. He says some pretty stupid things sometimes.
Kramer: Oh, congratulations.
Maryedith: What for?
Kramer: Well, you're pregnant.
Maryedith: What?
Kramer: You're not pregnant?
Maryedith: No, I'm not pregnant.
Kramer: Are you sure you're not pregnant?
Maryedith: Yes, I'm sure!
Kramer: That's weird.
Maryedith: Come on, Matthew.
Matthew: No.
Maryedith: Come on, Matthew!
Kramer: I thought she was pregnant.
Jerry: (to Elaine) Hey, do you think I'm phony?
Elaine: What?
Jerry: Mike thinks I'm a phony.
Elaine: He thinks you're a phony?
Jerry: Yeah, but I can't say anything because Kramer wasn't supposed to tell me.
Elaine: Oh, you have to say something.
Jerry: I can't, I told Kramer I was vaulting it.
Elaine: You gotta open the vault.
Jerry: Open my vault?
Elaine: Open your vault.
Jerry: Once I open the vault, it ceases to be a vault.
Elaine: You have no choice.
Jerry: Oy ga-vault.
Newman: (to Kramer) You wanna know why you can't go in front first? I'll tell you why. because it signals a breakdown in the social order. Chaos. It reduces us to jungle law.
Kramer: When can you park head first?
Newman: Never.
Mike: What are you asking this guy for?
Newman: Who's talking to you?
George: He's right. never.
Mike: Oh yeah? What if you got ten car lengths? You have to pull all the way up to the front car?
Newman: Well, I suppose if you got ten car lengths.
George: When do you ever have ten car lengths?
Kramer: What about Sundays and holidays?
George: Oh please.
Sheila: What's going on here?
George: Oh, this guy tried to sneak into my space.
Sheila: I really hate people who do that. I hope you don't let him get away with it.
George: Well, thank you for your support.
Sheila: Hey, that's a great hat.
George: Really? You like it? I got it at a flea market today.
Newman: Hey George, nice hat.
George: Yeah, thanks.
Newman: Can I try it on?
George: No! It, uh, it wouldn't fit you.
Newman: Well sure it would.
George: No! Get out of here, Newman.
Newman: Come on, let me try it on.
George: No, Newman, stop it.
Sheila: Let him try it on.
George: I don't want him to!
Sheila: What is wrong with you?
George: You wanna see?! (pulling off the hat to reveal the bald pate) There! There it is! (turning to Newman) Alright, here! You wanna try on the hat?! Here! Try on the hat!
Newman: Stop it, George, stop it. I was defending your parking.
George: Alright, just keep the hat!
Jerry: Alright, that's it. The fight's already started. I'm going upstairs, who's coming? Elaine?
Elaine: It depends on who's going. (to George) Are you going?
Kramer: I'm not going if he's going.
Newman: Me either.
George: I'm not going if he's going.
Mike: Well I'm going.
Jerry: Well if he's going then I'm not going.
Newman: But it's your house.
Jerry: I still don't have to go.
Elaine: Well I don't want to go if Jerry's not going.
Mike: Why won't you go if I go?
Jerry: Why? I'll tell you why.
Kramer: No. Don't, Jerry.
Jerry: Like you didn't call me a phony?
Mike: What? (to Kramer) Thanks! Real good! Jerry! First of all, I think you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complementary way. I mean, you know when people say, 'He's bad', it really means he's good, sort of thing? You know, slang.
Jerry: Use it in a sentence.
Mike: Man, that Michael Jordan is so phony. (to Kramer) Why'd you tell him?!?
Kramer: He begged me.
Mike: He begged you?!
Jerry: Alright, come on. Who wants to watch the fight?
Cop #1: Okay, who's cars are these? Let's move 'em. Let's go.
George: Officer, could I just explain something to you?
Cop #1: Hey. Let's go or I'm gonna write both of you a ticket in about two minutes.
George: Officer, he can't pull in head first.
Mike: Officer, he backed up from down the street. He was double-parked, he was
Cop #1: Alright, you move your car. It's his space, you can't go in head
Cop #2: Wait a second. Why can't he go in head first? He said the guy was just sitting over there.
Cop #1: What are you talking about? This guy was here first.
Cop #2: But he didn't take it.
Cop #1: Hey, it's his space.
Cop #2: No, it's his space.
George: Well, you're gonna have to go to the bathroom!
Mike: Well, you're gonna have to go to work!
George: I don't have a job!
Mike: Neither do I!
Referee: Seven... Eight... Nine... Ten. *ding*


Jerry'S Stand-Up: So, I fly a lot. I like planes. I was on a plane the other day and I was wondering - are there keys to the plane? Do they need keys to start the plane? Maybe that's what those delays on the ground are sometimes. When you're just sitting there at the gate, maybe the pilot's just up there in the cockpit going (mimics looking for keys) "Oh, I don't believe this. Oh my god...I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical, because they don't want to come on the PA system..."Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a little while, I uh...Oh God, this is so embarrassing...I - I left the keys to the plane in my apartment." You see the technicians all running underneath the plane; you think they're servicing it, but they're actually looking for the magnet "hide-a-key" under the wing..."maybe he left it up there somewhere..."
Opening Scene: Jerry's apartment in the middle of the night. Jerry comes out of his room. We hear his thoughts.
Jerry'S Brain: What is it about sleep that makes you so thirsty? Do dreams require liquid? It's not like I'm running a marathon, I'm just lying there.
Jerry'S Brain: What the hell...? Why is the door open?
Jerry: Kramer, what are you doing here!?
Kramer: Jerry, now calm down, it's okay. I'm sorry. I didn't want to wake you up! Y'know, I was watching "Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo," and I - y'know, I wanted to get some popcorn, and I, uh...I used the spare keys that you gave me to come into your apartment to get your popper.
Jerry: You scared me!
Kramer: It's just me.
Jerry: That's enough!
Kramer: Forgot the popper... (goes to the kitchen, grabs the popper, drops the lid, juggles it around, then exits.)
Jerry (From Outside The Door): C'mon...c'mon...
Jerry: Kramer! What are you doing?!
Kramer: What does it look like I'm doing? What?
Jerry: Get out! Get out of the bathroom, I gotta go!
Kramer: Alright, alright...
Jerry: C'mon!
Kramer: Sorry.
Jerry: Move it! Move it! Get going!
Kramer: My drain's all clogged up! (Comes out of the bathroom in a towel, covered in soap suds.)
Jerry (From Inside The Bathroom): Is that my towel?
Girlfriend: I'm really happy the movie was sold out.
Jerry: Hey, did you ever pretend there's like, murderers chasing you, and you try and see how fast you can get your keys out and get into your apartment?
Girlfriend: I'm from Witchita, so...
Jerry: Oh. I see. There he is! (Pretends the murderers are coming.)
Girlfriend: Hurry, Jerry! He's coming! Hurry!
Jerry: The murderers! (Jerry unlocks his door and they both run inside.)
Girlfriend: That was close!
Jerry: Did you see the look on that guy's face?
Girlfriend: You were so fast with those keys. (They prepare to kiss, but are interrupted by Kramer and his girlfriend coming out of Jerry's bedroom, laughing and horsing around.)
Jerry: Kramer! What the hell are you doing here?!
Kramer: Hey, Jerry! How are ya? I thought you were going to the movies.
Jerry: All right, that's it. Hand 'em over.
Kramer: What?
Jerry: What, you know what, the keys. I want the keys. You've lost your key privileges.
Kramer: Oh, come on!
Jerry: No, come on!
Kramer: What, what, I thought you went to the movies!
Jerry: It was sold out!
Kramer: Now how was I supposed to know it was going to be sold out?
Jerry: That's the point.
Kramer: What point?
Jerry: Just, look, just give the keys.
Kramer: Just give me another chance!
Jerry: Don't ask me!
Kramer: I'm asking you!
Jerry: I'm telling you.
Kramer: You're joking.
Jerry: I'm serious!
Kramer: It's not going to happen again!
Jerry: Yes it will, now give me those keys!
Kramer (Getting Up): O.K., fine, go ahead, you take the keys! But you're going to regret this. (He angrily storms out. Kramer then re-enters seconds later when he realizes he's left his girlfriend in Jerry's apartment.)
Jerry: So put 'em in a safe place.
Elaine: I will.
Jerry: Where?
Elaine: I don't know. I'll hide 'em. So, is Kramer upset?
Jerry: I think so. I mean, he's acting really weird lately...he's different.
Elaine: Well, maybe you should just give him the keys back.
Jerry: I can't.
Elaine (Mouths The Words): Is that Kramer? (Jerry nods.)
Jerry: Who's there?
Kramer (In Hallway): Uh, Kramer. (Jerry opens the door, Kramer enters. Elaine waves at Kramer with the keys in her hand.) Oh, hi...uh...you got the...
Elaine: Oh, I'm not, uh...
Kramer: No, no, no, it's o.k. I don't care about the keys. It's my fault. I gave the keys away with my stupidity. I broke "the covenant of the keys."
Elaine: Jerry, give him the keys back.
Jerry: Elaine...
Kramer: I don't want the keys back! No, I'm glad the way things turned out. I was clingin' to those keys, man! Like a branch on the banks of a raging river. And now I have let go. And I'm free...to go with the current. To float. (To Jerry) And I thank you.
Jerry: Take the keys.
Kramer: I don't want the keys! (Jerry tries to force the keys on Kramer, but Kramer refuses.)
Jerry: O.K.!
Kramer: Now, one more thing - I would like my keys back.
Jerry: Your spare set?
Kramer: That's right.
Jerry: You want 'em back?
Kramer: Yeah. Yeah, I think it would be for the best.
George: Gee, Kramer, I uh...I don't know what to say.
Kramer: Say yes! Yes, George. Yes!
George: Should I give you my keys, is that the transaction, trading keys...? Because Elaine has my keys.
Kramer: Well, you can get 'em back.
George: I suppose I could.
Kramer: Because you see, George, having the keys to Jerry's apartment? That kept me in a fantasy world. Every time I went over to his house, it was like I was on vacation. Better food, better view, better TV. And cleaner? Oh - much cleaner. That became my reality. I ignored the squalor in my own life because I'm looking at life, you see, through Jerry's eyes. I was living in twilight, George. Living in the shadows. Living in the darkness...like you.
George: Me?
Kramer: Oh, yeah. I can barely see you, George.
George: Alright, stop it Kramer, you're freakin' me out. (The waitress comes over.)
Waitress: Hi, are you ready to order? (George tries to order, but Kramer interrupts.)
Kramer (Moves Over And Sits Next To George): Do you ever yearn?
George: Yearn? Do I yearn?
Kramer: I yearn.
George: You yearn.
Kramer: Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often, I...I sit...and yearn. Have you yearned?
George: Well, not recently. I craved. I crave all the time, constant craving...but I haven't yearned.
Kramer (In Disgust): Look at you.
George: Aw, Kramer, don't start...
Kramer (Moving Back To The Othe Side Of The Booth): You're wasting your life.
George: I am not! What you call wasting, I call living! I'm living my life!
Kramer: O.K., like what? No, tell me! Do you have a job?
George: No.
Kramer: You got money?
George: No.
Kramer: Do you have a woman?
George: No.
Kramer: Do you have any prospects?
George: No.
Kramer: You got anything on the horizon?
George: Uh...no.
Kramer: Do you have any action at all?
George: No.
Kramer: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?
George: I like to get the Daily News!
Kramer: George, it's time for us to grow up - and be men. Not little boys.
George: Why?
Kramer: I'm goin' to California. You know, I got the bug.
George: Yeah, I think I got a touch of something, too.
Kramer: No, the acting bug. Ever since I was in that Woody Allen movie.
George: "These pretzels are making me thirsty"? That was one line! You got fired!
Kramer: I know, I know, but man! I never felt so alive! Now, are you coming with me?
George: Uh, no, I'm not.
Kramer: Alright, suit yourself. But let's keep this between us - we're key brothers now. (Gets up to leave.)
George: You're not really gonna go to California, are you?
Kramer (Points To His Head): Up here, I'm already gone. (Kramer exits.)
George: Anyway, so he gave me his spare keys, now he wants to have my keys, so I need mine back from you.
Elaine: Just 'cause you have his keys? Why does he need yours?
George: I don't know. He said he wants to be my "key brother."
Elaine: That's ridiculous.
George (Shakes Huge Keyring): That's Kramer.
Elaine: I'll give you back your spare keys - but now I want mine back.
George: What for?
Elaine: 'Cause. I'll give 'em to Jerry.
George: Jerry? Why?
Elaine: 'Cause he gave me his.
George: So what?
Elaine: So, if he has my keys, I should have his.
George: Well, I don't see why if you have his, he should have yours.
Elaine: I just said the same thing to you.
George: What?
Elaine: What?
George: Alright, listen, I'll give you your spare keys, but I don't have them with me. Can I please have mine to give to back to Kramer?
Elaine: Yeah, O.K. I'll go get 'em. (George begins to leaf through papers on Elaine's counter.) What are you doing? Would you just put that down? (Takes the papers away from George.) I gotta get some new friends.
Jerry: Did you bring the keys?
George: Yes, but I still don't feel right about letting you into Kramer's apartment without his permission.
Jerry: This could be an emergency!
George: You never should have taken away his keys!
Jerry: I tried to give 'em back, he wouldn't take 'em. (Jerry and George go out into the hallway to Kramer's apartment.)
George: How'd the Mets do?
Jerry: They lost.
Jerry: Kramer?
Newman (Startling Them): Hello, boys.
Jerry: Hello, Newman.
Newman: You lookin' for someone?
Jerry: Don't play coy with me, Newman, I'm not in the mood!
Newman: Coy? I'm not being coy.
Jerry (To George): Is he being coy?
George: Yeah, coy.
Jerry: You're being coy. Now where's Kramer, Newman?
Newman (Coyly): Who?
Jerry: Listen, Tiny. I wanna know where Kramer is and wanna know now!
Newman: Alright, go ahead and hit me, Seinfeld. I got witnesses.
Jerry: Turn around, George.
George: Sure. (Turns around.)
Newman: George?
Jerry: Now, you better tell me where Kramer is, or are we gonna have to do this the hard way? (Hits wall with his fist.)
Newman: Help! Help!
Jerry: Where's Kramer?
Newman: HELP! (Elaine enters.)
Elaine: What's going on?
Newman: They're gonna beat me up!
George: No we're not.
Jerry: We're trying to find out what happened to Kramer.
Newman: You wanna know what happened to Kramer? I'll tell you what happened to Kramer. He was ticked off. About the keys. Yeah, that's right - about the keys. Thought he got a bad rap.
Jerry: Bad rap?
Newman: Yeah. From you.
Jerry: Me?
Newman: You heard me. So he packed it up and split for the coast. La-La Land. L.A.
Jerry: L.A.?
Jerry: I never should have taken his keys away. But he drove me to it! I had no choice! He wouldn't take 'em back. Elaine, you saw it, remember? I said, 'Take the keys back.' He wouldn't do anything. You saw it, didn't you see it?
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, I saw it. (mutters under her breath) I mean, it's complete bullshit.
Jerry: Huh?
Elaine: What...?
Jerry: No, what'd you say?
Elaine: Nothing. I didn't say anything.
Jerry: Oh, you didn't see it.
Elaine: Yeah, I saw it. I saw it! I did, I saw it. Yep.
Jerry: I heard you say something, there.
Elaine: I didn't say anything.
Jerry: I'm calling Kramer's mother. (Picks up the phone, dials.) (To Elaine) I don't know what you said. But it was something. I heard something. Hello? Hello, Mrs. Kramer? Mrs. Kramer? Could you turn the music down? Could you turn the music down!
George: Ask her about Kramer.
Jerry: She's drunk out of her mind.
Jerry (Leaving A Message On Elaine'S Machine): Elaine? Are you there? It's me, I'm locked out of my apartment, I need my spare keys. Where are you? I'm at the coffee shop.
Kramer (Shouting Over The Cycle'S Engine): Hey! You ever been in an accident?
Biker: About five years ago. I was going down this very road. Same time of day, going about the same speed I'm going now...there was a rock in the road. Couldn't have been more than a pebble. Never really saw it! Lost control of the bike, went flyin' about a hundred feet - came down right on my head. Cracked it wide open! Blood and stuff was just splattered all over the road, there...I broke every bone in my face. Hey, you know, when they found me, my eyes were hanging out of their sockets? Yeah, they pronounced me dead at the scene. I was in a coma for...well, they told me about a year...said I'd be a vegetable for life. Yeah, but I showed 'em. Ever since then I always wear a helmet! (The biker goes into a turn.) Lean! (Kramer yells.)
Jerry (Applauding): Georgie Boy! Way to come through with the keys! Sit down, I'm buying you dinner.
George: Look, I gotta tell ya...I been thinkin' about it, I just don't feel right about letting you into Elaine's apartment.
Jerry: Don't feel right? What are you talking about?
George: Well, you know, I shouldn't have let you into Kramer's, now you want to go into Elaine's...she entrusted me with her spare keys, how can I just let you in?
Jerry: What is the big deal?
George: Just because you have someone's spare keys, it doesn't entitle you to break into their apartment. That's the reason you took away Kramer's keys.
Jerry: First of all, you're not even supposed to have Elaine's keys. You're supposed to give 'em back to her, so she can give 'em back to me, because she has mine. So technically, those are my keys.
George: Yes, well, if you had never taken your keys back from Kramer, he never would have taken his back from you and given 'em to me, in which case I wouldn't have had to take mine back from her.
Jerry: Well, I want those keys. (Tries to grab the keys from George.)
George: Nope, no can do.
Jerry: George, give them to me, I want these keys. (They struggle over the keys.) I don't want to get physical!
George: Do you wanna fight?
Jerry: Do you wanna fight?
George: I'll fight ya! Not the face! Not the face! (The struggle continues.)
Kramer: And then, the evil ogre took back the magical keys from the handsome young prince.
Hippie #1: Oh no. He didn't take back the keys, no way.
Kramer: Yes! And then the handsome young prince was cast out into the cruel, cruel world.
Hippie #1: Oh man, what a bummer. That ogre dude's pretty cold, huh?
Kramer: Oh, he's cold.
Hippie #1: Lemme tell you something, Kramer. If that ogre dude pulled that crap on me (pulls out a knife) - I'D STAB HIM! I'D CUT HIM IN HALF! I'D GUT HIM LIKE A FISH, MAN! That's what I'd do!
Kramer: Yeah, yeah...that'd be funny. (To driver) Hey, you can drop me here!
Hippie #1: Hey, what's the rush, man?
Kramer: Well, you know, I gotta be goin' now.
Hippie #1: Hey, Kramer - have you ever killed a man?
Kramer: What do you think, junior? You think these hands have been soakin' in Ivory liquid? (mimics choking somebody)
Hippie #2: Don't leave, Kramer, stay with us. You know so much about the world, we need you, please Kramer! (they all start chanting) Please, Kramer! Please, Kramer! (Scene ends with Kramer trying to escape their clutches.)
Jerry: Don't you see? You're just avoiding the middle man. You were gonna give her her spare keys, so she was gonna give 'em to me. So, all that's happening is that instead of giving them to her, you're giving them to me. It's just unfortunate that when she gave you yours, you didn't give her hers. 'Cause then she would have given 'em to me, because she has mine. So then I would have never had to ask you for hers, so that I could get mine.
George: You're right, how did I miss that? (Begins unlocking the door, mutters under his breath) Maybe because it's a crock of shit.
Jerry: What's that?
George: Nothing.
Jerry: I heard something.
George: Didn't say anything. (They go into Elaine's apartment.)
Kramer: So, how long you been drivin' this thing?
Woman: Goin' on four years.
Kramer: Well, nothin's sexier than a woman behind the wheel of a semi.
Woman: Nothin'? (They exchange a glance, then laugh.) Listen to you, you're quite the sweet-talker.
Kramer: You know, I always wanted to drive the big rigs. I used to watch those commercials during the reruns of Gomer Pyle.
Woman: You want to give it a try?
Kramer: Really?
Woman: Do you know how to double-clutch?
Kramer: Yeah.
Woman: Well, come on! (They trade places and Kramer gets behind the wheel. Kramer turns out to be really rusty on the ol' double-clutch.)
George: They were in here, I saw her put 'em in here!
Jerry: Well, this is great.
George: Well, what do they look like?
Jerry: They look like keys, George. They look exactly like keys. (In disgust) "What do they look like."
George: Well, they're obviously not here.
Jerry: Well, they've gotta be here somewhere.
George: Jerry, unless I pull down on this statuette and a hidden wall opens up, we have checked every square inch of this apartment!
Jerry (Looking Through Some Papers On The Desk): What is this? "Murphy Brown"?
George: What?
Jerry: By Elaine Benes?
George: What?
Jerry: Elaine's writing a "Murphy Brown"?
George: Lemme see this. (Tries to grab the papers.)
Jerry: Wait a second! (They fight over the paper.)
George: Gimme half!
Jerry: All right, here!
George: Why didn't she tell us?
Jerry (Making Fun): Elaine is writing a sitcom...! (Elaine enters the room behind Jerry and George. Jerry spots her and tosses his half of the script at George. George throws it back and paper goes flying everywhere.)
Elaine: You weasels!
Jerry: What? What?
Elaine: How dare you!
George: We hardly read anything!
Jerry: It was funny!
Elaine: Who gave you permission to come into my house and just go through all my things? You thought it was funny?
Jerry: Well... (picks up some of the pages) From what I saw...
Elaine (Grabs The Papers From Jerry): Well, it's just a first draft!
Jerry: I was locked out of my apartment, I'm just trying to get my keys.
Elaine (Turning On George): Why did you let him in?! (Shoves George.)
George: He forced me to!
Jerry: I did not!
George: Yes you did!
Elaine: You! Get out! Get out! Get out!
Jerry: Elaine, wait! I need my spare keys!
Elaine: Here! Here's your damn keys, you keep 'em! I don't want 'em anymore!
Jerry: Good!
Elaine (To George): And I want my keys back from you!
George: What, you don't want me to hold your keys?
Elaine: No, you can't be trusted!
George: Alright, alright, fine. (Gives the keys to Elaine.)
Jerry (To Elaine): And I don't want you to hold mine!
Elaine: Good! I won't!
Jerry: Good! Don't! Are these my keys?
Elaine: These aren't my keys!
George: Whose are these?
Elaine: I don't know!
Elaine: I just thought I could write it.
Jerry: Is that something you want to do?
Elaine: I don't know. Those writers make a lot of money.
Jerry: Elaine, let me tell you something about show business. It's hard work! You don't just write a "Murphy Brown." You gotta watch the show, study it, get a sense of the characters, how they relate to each other.
Elaine: O.K., can I just watch the show? (mutters under her breath) God, what an asshole.
Jerry: What did you say?
Elaine: I didn't say anything.
Jerry: I heard something. (Looks at the TV) Elaine, Elaine! It's Kramer! Kramer's on "Murphy Brown"!
Elaine (Laughing): Kramer's on "Murphy Brown"!
Jerry: Look, there he is, he's sittin' at the desk!
Candice Bergen: Hi, I'm Murphy Brown, you must be my new secretary.
Kramer: Oh, good morning, Miss Brown.
Candice Bergen: And you are...?
Kramer: Oh, I'm uh, Steven Snell.
Candice Bergen: Snell. Well, hello, Mr. Snell.
Kramer: Steven.
Candice Bergen: Steven. Are you familiar with this computer system?
Kramer: Oh - I'm familiar with it.
Candice Bergen: Steven Snell? I know people...and I have a very good feeling about you. (exits.)


George: Kramer was on Murphy Brown?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Are you sure?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Murphy Brown, the TV show.
Jerry: C'mon, will ya?
George: Kramer was on Murphy Brown? That son of a gun!
Jerry: Something, isn't it?
George: With Candace Bergen!
Jerry: I know!
George: I've always liked her. Remember her in 'Carnal Knowledge'?
Jerry: Sure.
George: Did she show her breasts in that?
Jerry: She's not really the naked type.
George: I can't believe I missed Kramer. You know he asked me to go with him to California.
Jerry: He did?
George: Yeah, I turned him down.
Jerry: How come you didn't tell me?
George: He asked me to keep it a secret.
Jerry: But you can never keep a secret.
George: I know. This was like a record. My previous record was when Joni Hirsch asked me not to tell anybody that we slept together. Kept a lid on that for about 28 seconds.
Jerry: Well, you've come a long way.
George: I've matured.
Jerry: Hey listen, the Tonight Show called me, they want me to come out and do the show on the 28th and they're giving me two free tickets to LA. You wanna go?
George: A free ticket?
Jerry: Yeah, in fact we could track down Kramer. I always felt bad about the way he left, you know? That was a mess. I never should have taken back those keys.
George: What about accommodations?
Jerry: All taken care of.
George: Is there a meal allowance? What about seat assignments? Could I have the Kosher meal? I hear the Kosher meal is good. And I need clothes. Gotta get a haircut. Gonna have to, I have to refill my allergy medication. Oh, do I need a hat? I need a hat, don't I? Could we do the Universal tour? They have that Backdraft exhibit now, that looks very cool to me...
Kramer: So my acting technique, my personal acting technique is working with color, imagining color, then finding the emotional vibrational mood connected to the color. See, if you look through my scripts, you'll see that all my lines have a special color, so I don't memorize language, I memorize color. This way I can go through red, yellow, green, blue. And I have a full palette of emotions.
Studio Guard: Hey, didn't I tell you to get out of here?
Kramer: Uh, did you?
Studio Guard: C'mon, let's go.
Kramer: Well, I was just-
Studio Guard: Yeah yeah, you were just nothing. C'mon, let's go.
Kramer: Alright, we'll talk about this a little later. Are you an actor?
Voice: Murphy Brown.
Kramer: Uh, yeah, uh, Candace Bergen please.
Voice: Who's calling please?
Kramer: Ah, well, just tell her that it's Kramer.
Kramer: Alright I'll uh, I'll call her at home. (To man waiting behind him) Go ahead, it's all yours.
Helena: Hello Kramer.
Kramer: Oh, uh, Helena, how are you?
Helena: I haven't worked since 1934, how do you think I am?
Kramer: Well, that's only uh, 58 years.
Helena: It was a Three Stooges short, "Sappy Pappy." I played Mr. Sugarman's secretary, remember?
Kramer: Yeah, right, right, yeah, yeah, that was a Shemp, right?
Helena: No, a Curly. The boys played three sailors who find a baby, the baby's been kidnapped and the police think that they did it.
Kramer: Uh huh, right.
Helena: But, but of course they didn't do it, the police had made an awful mistake.
Kramer: Right.
Helena: Moe hits Curly with an axe,
Kramer: Uh huh.
Helena: The Stooges catch the kidnappers,
Kramer: Right.
Helena: But it's too late.
Kramer: Really.
Helena: The baby's dead.
Kramer: Really?
Helena: The boys are sent to Death Row and are executed.
Kramer: Well I don't remember that part.
Helena: I play Mr. Sugarman's secretary.
Kramer: Oh, yeah, yeah, you were, you were very good.
Helena: Yeah, it was sad for a Three Stooges, what with the dead baby and the Stooges being executed and all.
Kramer: Well, that was an unusual choice for the stooges.
Helena: Would you like to buy me a fat-free frozen yogurt at the store, Kramer?
Kramer: Uh, well, uh, you know I can't right now, you know, uh, I got a very big meeting, I got these people interested in my movie treatment. So, uh, I guess we'll have to make it another time, alright?
Helena: Well No! No, don't go out there, Kramer, they'll hurt you, they'll destroy you. You'll never make it in this town, you're too sensitive like me,
Kramer: Helena, you're wrong, you know I'm not that sensitive at all.
Helena: I was engaged to Mickey Rooney! He left me at the altar. Kramer! Kramer!
Jerry: What is this?
George: What?
Jerry: We're going on a two day trip, what are you, Diana Ross?
George: I happen to dress based on mood.
Jerry: Oh. But you essentially wear the same thing all the time.
George: Seemingly. Seemingly. But within that basic framework there are many subtle variations, only discernable to an acute observer, that reflect the many moods, the many shades, the many sides of George Costanza.
Jerry: (referring to George's outfit) And what mood is this.
George: This is Morning Mist.
Lt. Coleman: What do you figure, 20? 21?
Lt. Martel: Close enough.
Lt. Coleman: Forensics ought to be able to nail it down.
Lt. Martel: No ID?
Lt. Coleman: No ID.
Lt. Martel: No witnesses?
Lt. Coleman: Just the trees, Johnny. Pretty young thing.
Lt. Martel: She was. Not any more. Somebody saw to that.
Lt. Coleman: Sure did, Johnny. Damn shame too. What do you make of it?
Lt. Martel: I don't know, but I don't like it.
Jerry: Look at this guy, he's like a cat burglar. He thinks if he goes through real slow the machine won't detect him.
George: Personally I'm a little nervous about going through these things. I'm afraid I'm gonna step through into another dimension.
Jerry: Just go.
George: Heh he, I made it.
Security Guard: Empty your pockets please.
Security Guard: Walk through again please.
Security Guard: Are you sure you don't have any metal on you? Bracelets? Rings? Anklets?
Jerry: Anklets?
Security Guard: A lot of men wear anklets.
Jerry: Really?
Security Guard: Yeah.
Other Security Guard (To George): What do you have in your bag, sir?
George: My bag?
Security Guard: Step over here please.
Jerry: Over here?
Other Security Guard: Do you have a knife in the bag?
George: A knife?
Other Security Guard: Open the bag, please.
Other Security Guard: What's this?
George: Moisturizer?
Other Security Guard: For your wife?
George: No, I uh... I use it.
Security Guard: Spread your arms and legs please.
Jerry: (facing the lengthening line behind him) Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you.
Other Security Guard: Have a good trip.
Security Guard: Alright, go ahead.
Jerry: That's it?
Security Guard: That's it.
Jerry: Alright.
George: C'mon Jerry, let's go. What was that all about?
Jerry: I must have iron rich blood.
George: Here we go, LA.
Jerry: The Coast,
George: La-la Land. I got the window seat, right?
Jerry: Who said that?
George: I called it.
Jerry: Oh no.
George: What do you mean, oh no.
Kramer: Oh ah, yeah, I'm here for the audition.
Receptionist: Which audition, the music video, the horror movie, the exercise tape or the infomercial?
Kramer: Uh, let's see... well.
Kramer: You scream good.
Chelsea: You too.
Chelsea: So, can I keep this treatment?
Kramer: Oh yeah, yeah, I got 20 copies.
Chelsea: 'Cause I can, uh, show it to my manager. He has connections with West German television money.
Kramer: Really.
Chelsea: Yeah, they're trying to put together a miniseries for me on Eva Braun. I mean think about it, is that a great idea? We know nothing about Eva Braun, only that she was Hitler's girlfriend.
Kramer: Um-hm.
Chelsea: What was it like having sex with Adolf Hitler? What do you wear in a bunker? What did her parents think of Hitler as a potential son-in-law? I mean it could just go on and on...
Kramer: Wait wait, hold it, hold it. Look who's over there. Don't look, don't look! It's Fred Savage.
Chelsea: Big deal.
Kramer: He'd be perfect for my movie. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. (takes a deep breath) I gotta go over there, I gotta give him a copy of my treatment.
Chelsea: Why are you breathing so hard?
Kramer: Well, I'm just a little nervous. OK, I gotta relax. Phew. Wish me luck, huh?
Kramer: Hey. Oh, did I frighten you? I'm not crazy. I mean, I may look weird, but I'm just like you, I'm just a regular guy just trying to make it in this business. You know I really like your work, the, uh...
Fred Savage: Thank you.
Kramer: Yeah, I can't remember the name of it.
Fred: Thanks.
Kramer: Yeah, my mind's a blank, I'm sorta nervous, you know, uh...
Fred: That's ok. Relax, relax.
Kramer: Ok, but I got this...
Kramer: Stupid table. You know, I'm not normally like this, usually I'm very cool and charming, I don't mean to bother you or anything but I think it's fate that you happened to be here at the same time as me.
Fred (A Little Frightened And Backing Away Towards The Door): Yeah, its fate, you know, can't avoid your fate.
Kramer: I got this treatment I think you'll be great in.
Fred: Yeah.
Kramer: So I'd like to give it to you.
Fred: Yeah, thank you, thanks a lot. Bye!
Kramer: (bumping into a lamp) Alright, excuse me. Uh wait, wait.
Jerry: Yeah, Kramer. K-R-A-M-E-R. Uh, I don't know, wavy? George, how would you describe Kramer's hair?
George: Curly.
Jerry: Wavy.
George: What'd you ask me for?
Jerry: Yeah, I'll hold on. Hey George, did you see a piece of paper I had on the nightstand here, like crumpled up, like a napkin?
George: Nope.
Jerry: 'Cause I had like three jokes on it, they were all perfectly worded just the way I wanted to have it. Can't find it. Hello?
George (From The Bathroom): Hey, a shoe buffing machine!
Jerry: I don't know, 6-3, George, how tall is Kramer?
George: You got your own shampoo, conditioner, body lotion! Jerry, body
Jerry: About 6-3.
George: Ooh, a shower cap!
Jerry: Coming.
Lupe: Hello. I have more towels.
George: Oh good, good, come in. Come in, welcome. I'm George. And this is Jerry, over there, on the phone, that's Jerry. And you are, um?
Lupe: Lupe.
George: Lupe. That's very nice, very nice. Listen, are you going to be making up the bed in the morning?
Lupe: Oh Yes.
George: Fine. Excellent. Could you do me a favor? Could you not tuck the blankets in? 'Cause I can't sleep all tucked in.
Lupe: Oh, yes, yes.
George: Yes, I like to just be able to take the blankets and swish them and swirl them, you know what I mean? You know, I don't like being all tucked in. I like to have a lot of room, you know I like to have my toes pointed up in the air. Just like to scrunch up the blankets.
Lupe: Yes, yes. It's too tight to sleep.
George: Exactly, you know what I'm talking about, right?
Lupe: Oh yees, It's too tight. (Gesturing towards Jerry) Him too?
George: Uh, Jerry, you want your blankets tucked in?
Jerry: Excuse me, what?
George: You want your blankets tucked in?
Jerry: What blankets?
George: When Lupe makes up the beds in the morning.
Jerry: I don't know, whatever they do.
Lupe: I tuck in? Yes?
Jerry: Tuck in, tuck in.
George: Alright, so that's one tuck and one no-tuck.
Lupe: Okay.
George: Yeah. One second sweetheart. Jerry, I really think it'd be easier if you didn't tuck.
Jerry: Excuse me, fine, you don't want me to tuck, put me down for a no-tuck.
George (To Lupe): Two no-tucks.
Jerry: Uh, hang on a second, You know what? Changed my mind, make it a tuck.
George: You just said you weren't tucking.
Jerry: I'm tucking! Hello? Hello? They hung up on me. They don't know where Kramer is anyway.
George: Alrighty, so. That's one tuck and one no-tuck. Got that?
Jerry: Excuse me, um, did you see a piece of paper on the nightstand here earlier today crumpled up like a napkin?
Lupe: Oh, yes, yes. I throw away when we clean the room.
Jerry: Oh, okay, thanks.
Lupe: Thank you.
George: Thank you.
Lupe: Bye-bye.
George: Alright, Lupe, bye-bye now.
Lupe: Bye.
George: Bye-bye.
Jerry: I can't believe she threw that out. I had like the perfect wording of a whole joke I was gonna do about the X-ray counter at the airport, I was gonna do it on the Tonight Show, now I can't remember it.
George: Well what did you want her to do, you left it on the night table.
Jerry: They're not supposed to just take everything and throw it out!
George: Hey, hey, hey! It's not Lupe's fault, you shouldn't have left it out.
Jerry: Alright, just get your thing together and let's get out of here.
George: Alright, now. What mood am I in, what mood am I in?
George: You shouldn't have tucked.
Jerry: I like it tucked.
George: Nobody tucks anymore.
Officer: Hey, Lieutenant.
Lt. Martel: Yeah.
Officer: This was found on her person.
Lt. Martel: On her person? What kind of expression is that?
Officer: I don't know, sir. Police lingo.
Lt. Martel: Oh yeah? What's your name, son.
Officer: Ross.
Lt. Martel: Ross. Do you see that person there, Ross?
Officer: Yes sir.
Lt. Martel: She's dead. Have you got that?
Officer: Yes sir.
Lt. Martel: Good. Now get out of here before you find yourself on transit patrol writing tickets to senior citizens with fake bus passes.
Officer: Yes sir.
Lt. Martel: I think we just caught a break.
George: This is very exciting! You're on the Tonight Show, NBC, who else is on the show?
Jerry: I don't know.
George: Might meet a celebrity.
Jerry: I can't believe she threw out my napkin.
George: What are you worried about, you know it.
Jerry: You gonna be alright here?
George: Yeah yeah yeah yeah, go. Go about your business, I'll just wander around.
Jerry: Alright, don't wander too far, I'll meet you back here in fifteen minutes.
George: Go, go, go, don't worry about it.
George: Hey. (pointing at him) Corbin Bernsen.
Corbin Bernsen: How ya doing?
George: Big fan! Big fan.
Corbin Bernsen: Yeah.
George: Hey, you grew a beard, huh?
Corbin Bernsen: Yeah, yeah. I'm doing a movie during my hiatus.
George: Hey. You know, do I have a case for you guys to do on L.A. Law.
Corbin Bernsen: Really.
George: ...so mind you, at this point I'm only going out with her two or three weeks. So she goes out of town and she asks me to feed her cat. So at this time, there's a lot of stuff going on in my life and, uh, it slips my mind for a few days. Maybe a week. Not a week, five, six days.
Corbin Bernsen: Yeah yeah yeah. So what happened?
George: Well, it's the damnedest thing. The cat dies. So she comes back into town, she finds the cat lying on the carpet stiff as a board.
Corbin Bernsen: So you killed the cat.
George: That's what she says. I say, listen. It was an old cat. It died of natural causes. So get this, now she tells me that I gotta buy her a brand new cat. I say listen, honey. First of all, it was a pretty old cat. I'm not gonna buy you a brand new cat to replace an old dying cat. And second of all, I go out to the garbage, I find you a new cat in fifteen seconds. I say, you show me an autopsy report that says this cat died of starvation, I spring for a new cat. So she says something to me, like, uh, I dunno, get the hell out of here, and she breaks up with me. Now don't you think that would be a great case on L.A. Law?
George: I don't wanna tell you how to run your show.
George Wendt: Oh, of course not.
George: But really, it's enough with the bar already.
George Wendt: Yeah, well.
George: Seriously, have they though about changing the setting?
George Wendt: Doubt it, I doubt it. Yeah.
George: Really? Because people do meet in places besides a bar, huh?
George Wendt: Well yeah, they do, heh heh.
George: What about a rec room? Huh? Or a community center.
George Wendt (Checking His Watch, Obviously Uncomfortable): Yeah, you oughta write one of those.
George: Yeah?
George Wendt: Yeah, I'll bring it up with the producers, I gotta... uh...
George: Fabulous, I'll think about that George, thank you!
Jerry: How's it going?
George: Great! Great! I actually just had two meaningful intelligent conversations with Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt.
Jerry: Really?
George: Yeah, yeah, not fan talk, not gushing, you know? Actual conversation, I was incredibly articulate!
Jerry: You got toilet paper on your heel there.
Announcer: It's the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Tonight Jay welcomes Corbin Bernsen, George Wendt and comedian Jerry Seinfeld.
Corbin Bernsen: Oh yeah, yeah, people are always coming up to me trying to give me a great case for L.A. Law, just a few seconds ago, right here, right outside in the hallway this nut, some sick nut comes up to me and says he's supposed to watch this girl's cat while she's away out of town. Anyway he forgets to feed the cat, the cat dies, starves to death, he kills the cat, refuses to get her a new one, won't give her any money, won't pay her, and he wants Arnie Becker to represent him. Nice guy. Yeah, that'd make a *great* case for L.A. Law. Thanks a lot.
Helena: He's a very handsome man. Passionate, intense, but troubled, strange. I think he may be in love with me. Of course there's nothing abnormal about that, I have many suitors.
George Wendt: It's funny, 'cause even after all these years, we still get people giving us advice, how to improve the show. Actually, a few moments ago I ran into a nut back there, he said, you know, that maybe we should think about, you know, not doing the show in a bar.
The Freak: So that's when I said, "Hey, Kramer, dude. You ever killed a man before?" And he said, "What do you think, Junior? These hands have been soaking in Ivory liquid?
George Wendt: The guy you talked to, what did he look like?
Corbin Bernsen: Short little bald guy with glasses.
George Wendt: Yeah, yeah, that's the same guy I talked to.
Corbin Bernsen: It never ends, does it?
Jerry: So I'm going through the airport and I have to put my bag on that little uh, uh, the uh, that uh, the conveyor belt.
Lt. Martel: Issue an arrest warrant, put out an APB. Let's pick up this, uh, Kramer.
Jerry: I was terrible.
George: What are you, crazy? You were fine.
Jerry: Nah, did you hear the end? I couldn't remember what I was trying to say, that whole thing about the, uh...
George: Conveyor belt.
Jerry: Yeah. Because she threw out my napkin.
George: I can't believe, you're blaming Lupe?
Jerry: Yes, Lupe. I'm blaming Lupe.
Tv Newscaster: Our top story tonight, there has been a break in the so called 'Smog Stranglings'. Police have just released a photo of the suspect being sought in connection with the slayings. He is known only as "Kramer".