Elaine: (awed) Oh, look at this!
Jerry: Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.
Elaine: (excited) Oh, cool! Look at that!
Jerry: (admiring Christie) Yeah, I'm right there with ya.
Elaine: (excited) That is a Schwinn Stingray! And it's the girl's model! Oh, I always wanted one of these when I was little.
Elaine: What d'you think Jerry? Jerry?
Jerry: (tearing himself away from Christie) Huh?
Elaine: What d'you think?
Jerry: Oh yeah, be great for your paper route.
Elaine: (laughs) I love it. I'm getting it.
Elaine: Can you help me get it down, Jer? Jerry.
Christie: I think your friend needs some help over there.
Jerry: You know, the only way to really help her is to just let her be.
Elaine: Hey!
Susan: A little baby girl?
Ken: Doctor says it could be any day now.
George: (through mouthful of food) So, Carrie, you and Susan are cousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin, right? So what does that make me?
Carrie: Doesn't make you anything.
George: (jokingly) Well, so, legally, I could marry your daughter.
Susan: So, have you picked out a name yet?
Carrie: Well, we've narrowed it down to a few. We like Kimberley.
Susan: Aww.
George: (negative) Hu-ho, boy.
Ken: You don't like Kimberley?
George: Ech. What else you got?
Ken: How about Joan?
George: Aw c'mon, I'm eating here.
Susan: (warning) George!
Carrie: Pamela?
George: Pamela?! Awright, I tell you what. You look like nice people, I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.
Ken: What?
George: Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.
Carrie: I don't know, it sounds a little strange.
George: All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, you telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it?
Ken: Yeah, but uh... Soda?
George: Yeah, that's right. It's working.
Carrie: We'll put it on the list.
George: I solve problems. That's just what I do.
Kramer: (sniffing a slice of meat) Yeah, oh boy. Mmm, that's good.
Jerry: You're really going to town with that turkey there.
Kramer: Oh yeah, I got a big appetite.
Kramer: Uhh, Jerry, you got no mustard, huh.
Jerry: It's on the door.
Kramer: (examining a yellow squeeze bottle) What, this yellow stuff? No, I said mustard, Jerry. Dijon.
Kramer: Ah, 's no good.
Kramer: No. That's bush league.
Jerry: Hey, hey. Wha... wait... what, you're gonna leave it there? That's like half a pound of turkey!
Kramer: No, no, I can't eat that. You can't eat a sandwich without Dijon.
Jerry: (sarcasm) Yeah, you're right. I really should keep more of your favourites on hand.
Kramer: Hey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here. What, are you unhappy with our arrangement?
Jerry: What arrangement?
Kramer: Well, I was under the impression that I could take anything I wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want from mine.
Jerry: (sarcasm) Yeah, well, lemme know when you get something in there and I will.
Kramer: Oh, hey.
Elaine: Hey.
Jerry: Hey. What's with your neck?
Elaine: Still killing me from having to get that bike off the wall. (pointedly) By myself.
Jerry: Well, if it's any consolation, I did get her number.
Elaine: (sitting) Ah, I think I really strained it. Ow.
Jerry: Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you pulled it.
Elaine: Ach, maybe.
Jerry: Did you twist it? You coulda twisted it.
Elaine: I don't know.
Jerry: Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it. Turned it...
<Img Src=Http: //tinyurl.com/2b9c width=200 >
Elaine: (patience exhausted) You know what, why don't you just shut the hell up?
Jerry: Awright.
Elaine: God. Man, this is killing me. Right now, I would give that bike to the first person who could make this pain go away.
Kramer: Aw, you really hurting, huh?
Elaine: Oh, Kramer, it's just awful.
Kramer: Uh hmm. Well, your arterioles have constricted.
Kramer: Alright, lean forward, relax.
Elaine: (worried) What? What?
Kramer: Encounter shiatsu.
Elaine: Wait a minute. Kramer, you know what you're doing here?
Kramer: (continuing to work) Ohh yeah. A wise man once taught me the Healing power of the body's natural pressure points.
Elaine: Ah hah.
Kramer: (to Jerry) He sells tee-shirts outside the World Trade Centre.
Elaine: (seriously worried) Wha...?
Kramer: He's a genius. Here we go...
Kramer: From pain, will come pleasure.
Kramer: Uh? Voila.
Elaine: (pleasantly surprised) Oh my god!
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: Wow! That is unbelievable. The pain is totally gone!
Jerry: What's even more amazing is his formal training is in pediatrics.
Kramer: Awright, my work is done here.
Elaine: (big smile) Oh man! Kramer, thank you!
Kramer: (closing the door) Yeah, you can send that bike over any time.
Elaine: (after Kramer) What? (to Jerry) What, what is he talking about?
Jerry: I dunno. (realising) Oh, 'cos you said you'd give the bike to anyone who fixes your neck.
Elaine: You really think he wants the bike?
Jerry: Oh yeah.
Elaine: It took him like ten seconds!
Jerry: Well, that's the most he's worked in the last four months.
George: I think they really went for that Soda.
Susan: What, are you crazy? They hated it. They were just humouring you.
George: Ah, alright. Believe me, that kid's gonna be called Soda.
Susan: I can tell you, I would never name my child Soda.
George: Oh, no no no. Course not. I got a great name for our kids. A real original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready?
Susan: Yeah.
Susan: What is that? Sign language?
George: No, Seven.
Susan: Seven Costanza? You're serious?
George: Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl...
George: ...especially a girl. Or a boy.
Susan: I don't think so.
George: What, you don't like the name?
Susan: It's not a name. It's a number.
George: I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute.
Susan: It's awful. I hate it!
George: (angry) Well, that's the name!
Susan: (also angry) Oh no it is not! No child of mine is ever going to be named Seven!
George: (yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm here! Don't get all crazy on me!
Jerry: Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service.
George: (adamant) Yes I am. I defy you to come up with a better name than Seven.
Jerry: Awright, let's see. How about Mug? (picks up the mug) Mug Costanza, that's original. (he turns and sees another item) Or uh, Ketchup? Pretty name for a girl.
George: Alright, you having a good time there?
Jerry: I got fifty right here in the cupboard. How about Bisquik? Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House.
George: (shouts) Awright already!! This is a very key issue with me, Jerry. I had this name for a long time.
Jerry: Oh, I forgot to call Christie.
George: Christie? That's the one you met in the antique store?
Jerry: Yeah, she had this great black and white dress, with a scoop neck. She looked like some kinda superhero.
George: And you met her in an antique store! I don't know how you do it!
Jerry: (smug) I'm not engaged.
Kramer: Ah, I got it.
Jerry: Got what?
Kramer: (putting the items on the counter) Got the answer, Jerry. Refrigerator problem, is solved.
Jerry: Oh, it's no problem. You can take whatever you want.
Kramer: Oh, I will. But now, I'm accountable. Alright, I take what I want.
Kramer: Here. I write it down. (he writes) "One cupcake." And then I put it in the bowl. (he tears off the sheet, crumples it and drops it into the bowl) There. Very simple.
Jerry: Sort of a mooching inventory.
Kramer: No, no. Not mooching. 'Cos at the end of the week, you add 'em all up, and you give me the bill.
Jerry: Alright.
Kramer: Alright, now look I gotta run some errands, so look. When Elaine comes by with that bike, you hang onto it for me, alright?
Jerry: Kramer, I don't know if you're getting that bike.
Kramer: Yes I am. We had a verbal contract. If we can't take each other at our word, all is lost.
Kramer: (waving at the bowl) Oh yeah, yeah. Put that on my tab.
Jerry: Well this is it. The food is atrocious, but the busboys are the best in the city.
Maitre D': May I take your coat, miss?
Christie: Yes, thank you.
George: The same outfit?
Jerry: The exact same outfit.
George: How many days was it between encounters.
Jerry: Three.
George: Three days. Well, maybe you caught her on the cusp of a new wash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you, everything got clean and she started all over again.
Jerry: Possibly, but then shouldn't the outfit only reappear again at the end of the cycle?
George: Maybe she moved it up in the rotation.
Jerry: Why? It's our first date, she's already in reruns?
George: Very curious.
Jerry: Indeed.
George: You know, Einstein wore the exact same outfit every day.
Jerry: Well, if she splits the atom, I'll let it slide.
George: (picking up his coat) Awright, I'm heading home.
Jerry: Hey, did Susan change her mind about the name?
George: (standing) Not yet, but she's weakening.
Jerry: You know, George, just because your life is destroyed, don't destroy someone else's.
George: It's Mickey Mantle, Jerry. My idol.
Jerry: How about 'Mickey'?
George: 'Mickey'? (incredulous) 'Mickey'!
Kramer: Hey buddy.
Jerry: (holding up a can) Hey, is this your half a can of soda in the fridge?
Kramer: No, that's yours. My half is gone.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Yeah, I put my half a can here on the tab. Why, what's your beef?
Jerry: You cannot buy half a can of soda.
Kramer: Well, why not.
Jerry: Well, I don't wanna get into the whole physics of carbonation with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open it?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: That is the sound of you buying a whole can. And the same goes for this, okay...
Jerry: ...When you pierce the skin of a piece of fruit, you've bought the whole fruit. Not a third of an apple, not a half of a banana...
Kramer: Alright.
Jerry: ...You bite it, you bought it.
Kramer: Alright, alright. I'll make the necessary adjustments, alright.
Jerry: Thank you.
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: Hey.
Kramer: Oh. (pointedly) So, how's the neck? Nice and loose?
Elaine: Lookit, Kramer, you are not getting this bike. I don't even know why you ant it. (laughingly) I mean, it's a girl's bike.
Kramer: (deadly serious) It's a verbal contract. We had a deal.
Elaine: No we didn't. You take these things too literally. It's like saying, you're hungry enough to eat a horse.
Kramer: Well, my friend Jay Reimenschneider eats horse all the time. He gets it from his butcher.
Elaine: This is not the point. (emphatic) The point is, you just can't have the bike.
Kramer: Boy, I am really surprised at you. (opening the door) You are the last person I figured would do something like this. I mean, George, yeah, I can see that. Even Jerry. But not you, Elaine...
Kramer: I always put you up here...
Kramer: ...They're over here. Now you're... aww-whawww.
Elaine: (grudging) Alright.
Kramer: (points) Digidi.
George: Aw c'mon. It's a fantastic name. It's a real original, nobody else is gonna have it and I absolutely love it.
Susan: Well, I dunno how original it's gonna be any more.
George: Why not?
Susan: Well I was telling Carrie about our argument, and when I told them the name, they just loved it.
George: So, what're you saying?
Susan: They're gonna name their baby Seven.
George: (disbelief) What?! They're stealing the name?! That's my name, I made it up!
Susan: I can't believe that they're using it.
George: (anger) Well now it's not gonna be original! It's gonna lose all its cachet!
Susan: I dunno how much cachet it had to begin with.
George: (rage) Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's got cachet up the yin-yang!
Elaine: (in pain) Oh god! Oh, god. (bitter) Kramer!
Man: Watch your step.
Elaine: (pain) Oh, ah. (bitter) Stupid Kramer.
Christie: Excuse me. Elaine?
Elaine: Huh?
Christie: Over here. I thought that was you. You're Jerry's friend, right?
Elaine: Yeah, yeah. Uh, Christie?
Christie: Yes. How y'doing?
Elaine: (bearing up) I'm fine.
Christie: Well, I gotta run. It was good to see you.
Elaine: (after Christie) Okay, oh, it was good to, good to see you.
Voice 1 (O.C.): Lookin' good.
Voice 2 (O.C.): Hey Cosmo, nice wheels.
Kramer: You got that right!
Kid: (scorn) Hey, you're riding a girl's bike.
Elaine: (shouting) Kramer! Kramer!
Ken (O.C.): Hello.
George: Hello, Ken. It's George Costanza. I think we need to talk.
Elaine (O.C.): (angry shout) Kramer!
Elaine: Kramer!!
Jerry: Hey
Elaine: Ow! God! Is Kramer back from his little joyride yet?
Jerry: Haven't seen him. How's the neck?
Elaine: His chiropractic job was a crock. It's even worse than it was before.
Jerry: Boy, I'm surprised. (sarcasm) I would think Kramer would have a knack for moving pieces of a person's spine around.
Elaine: Hey, you know what, I think I ran into that girl from the antique store. What's her name, Christie?
Jerry: You saw her? What was she wearing?
Elaine: I don't know. I couldn't see. I couldn't look down because of my neck.
Jerry: Didn't you get a glimpse? An impression?
Elaine: What d'you care?
Jerry: Both times I've seen her she's worn the same dress.
Elaine: Did you have a nice ride?
Kramer: Oh, great ride.
Elaine: Oh, that's good. 'Cos it was your last!
Kramer: What're you talking about?! We had a deal!
Elaine: (anger) You better give me back that bike! (indicating neck) Look at this! Look! Ow. I couldn't even crawl out of bed this morning.
Kramer: Bed? You should be sleeping on a wooden board for at least a week.
Elaine: What? You never told me that.
Kramer: Well, it's common sense.
Elaine: Jerry, what is he talking about? He's being ridiculous.
Kramer: Alright, look. Jerry, you know the whole story, you should settle this.
Elaine: Yeah Jerry.
Jerry: Well, I'm flattered that you would both appeal to my wisdom, but unfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting involved. What you need is an impartial mediator.
Elaine: Yeah, I'd go for that. Would you go for that?
Kramer: Alright, I'm down.
Jerry: Course, it would have to be someone who hasn't heard the story before. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment. Someone whose heart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or human emotion of any kind.
Elaine: So, that's the situation.
Newman: Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma. Each of you seemingly has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can have only one rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I believe the law is all we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from the savages who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry) Stuffing parcels into mailboxes where they don't belong!!...
Kramer: Newman!
Newman: ...But, you must promise That you will abide by my decision, no matter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your word?
Kramer: Uh, yeah.
Elaine: Yeah.
Newman: Alright, let's begin.
Newman: (excited) Ooh, my cocoa!
Ken: Why can't we use Seven?
George: It's my name. I made it up. You can't just steal it.
Carrie: Well, it's not as if Susan's pregnant. You've already postponed The wedding. Who knows if you'll ever get married.
George: Hey, hey hey. Don't worry about me. I'm not a waffler. I don't waffle!
Ken: Right, we're both big Mickey Mantle fans, and we love the name. It's very unusual.
George: (shouting) What happened to Soda?! I thought we all agreed on Soda.
Ken: (emphatic) Well, we don't care for Soda.
George: You don't care for Soda?!
Carrie: (worked up) No, no. We don't like Soda at all!
George: (shouting) How d'you not like Soda?! It's bubbly, it's refreshing!
Carrie: Oh!
Ken: What is it?
Carrie: I felt something.
Ken: Are you okay, honey?
Carrie: I think I'm going into labour.
Ken: Oh god, oh god. Okay, let's not panic. Let's just get to the hospital...
Carrie: Okay.
Ken: ...Alright? I got the suitcase packed, right here.
George: What about Six?
George: Nine. Thirt... thirteen's no good.
George: Fourteen. (shouting after Ken) Fourteen!
Christie: Are you okay, Jerry? You seem quiet.
Jerry: No, I'm just a little uh, worn out.
Christie: I know exactly what you mean.
Jerry: Oh, I'm sure you do.
Jerry (V.O.): What in god's name is going on here? Is she wearing the same thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full of these, like Superman? I've got to unlock this mystery.
Christie: (horrified) Oh my god!
Jerry: Oh.
Christie: Ahh. I can't go to the movies like this. Do you mind if we go back to my apartment, so I can change?
Jerry: Change? (thoughtful) Yes, I think that's a super idea.
Carrie: Are we almost there?
Ken: Just keep breathing, okay.
Carrie: (deep breaths) Okay, okay.
Ken: Okay.
George: (to Carrie) You know, the thing is, I kinda promised the widow Mantle that I would name my baby Seven.
Ken: Now's not the best time, George!
George: (to Carrie) It's just that, I know her, and boy...
Ken: (firm) George! She's in labour!
George: (angry shout) So am I!
Newman: Well, you've both presented very convincing arguments. On the one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it not still a promise? Hmm?
Newman: And, Kramer, you did provide a service in exchange for compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer to some assurance Of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions to answer. Not for any man...
Newman: ...But I have made a decision. (revelatory) We will cut the bike down the middle, and give half to each of you.
Elaine: (shout) What?! This is your solution?! To ruin the bike?!
Elaine: Alright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. (standing) Cut the stupid thing in half.
Kramer: No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belonged to another than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, y-yeah.
Newman: Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's true owner would rather give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours!
Elaine: What?!
Kramer: Sweet justice. Newman, you are wise.
Elaine: (frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit, my neck is still hurting me, and now you have the bike?!
Kramer: Well, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm going for a ride.
Christie: Here we are.
Jerry: (looking around) Ah, so this is the Fortress of Solitude.
Christie: Well, I guess I'll go change.
Jerry: Yes, change. By all means, change.
Jerry (V.O.): August seventeen, nineteen-ninety-two. The same dress! She never changes! Oh my god. (looking around) She's gotta have hundreds of these dresses.
Jerry (V.O.): There must be a secret stash around here somewhere.
Christie: Ahem! Are you looking for something?
Jerry: What're you doing? I thought you were changing.
Christie: No, I, I'm thinking we should just call it a night.
Jerry: No, no. C'mon, put something else on. It's early, let's go out.
Christie: If it's all the same to you, I think I'm just gonna go to bed.
Jerry: You know, I'm kinda tired myself. Maybe I'll just sleep here on The couch. Then in the morning, you'll get dressed, we'll walk out together. Both dressed, different clothes. Well, I'll be in the same clothes. You'll of course be in different clothes, because it's your apartment. But we'll go downstairs, me in my same clothes, you in your different clothes.
Christie: (unequivocal) Jerry. I don't think so.
Jerry: You wanna throw something on and walk me to a cab?
Christie: (gesturing) Get out.
Jerry: (pleading) Tell me what you're wearing tomorrow. I'll help you lay it out on the bed.
Ken: Okay, breathe, honey. Breathe.
George: (to Carrie) You know, you're really being very selfish. It would be nice if you would think of someone other than yourself every now and then!
Carrie: (shouts) I'm having a baby!!
Ken: George, you're not getting Seven! Now get outta here!!
George: (desperate) Please! I have so little!
Orderly: Sorry sir, it's family only.
George: I'm family. I'm having sex with the cousin!
George: Seven!!
Jerry: Hello, Christie? I was wondering if we could get together again? (listens) Oh really? Well you can't break up with me over the phone. C'mon, you gotta do this in person. It doesn't even have to be one on one, you can bring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Wait, don't hang up on me. (hurriedly) Why d'you wear the same dress all the time? Hello.
Kramer: (indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry, if you're gonna be snacking on these, you can't expect me to pay for the whole box.
Jerry: Alright, hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put a damper on your little Smorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up your tab.
Kramer: (does a double take) Yikes.
Jerry: I know. Pretty steep.
Kramer: Well, I don't have this kind of cash.
Jerry: Few do.
Kramer: I'm good for it.
Jerry: Yeah, well, until this bill is paid...
Jerry: ...the food court is closed.
Kramer: (opening the door) Alright. I'll get that money for you in five minutes. And, don't eat any more.
Elaine: Hey, that's my bike! Along the sidewalk comes a happy-looking Newman, pedalling the Schwinn for all he's worth. He rings the bell.
Newman: Gangway!
Elaine: This is my bike!
Newman: Oh no. No no no no. I bought it from Kramer. He was hard up for cash. Fifty bucks! (he laughs) Can you believe it? Of course, I had to make some minor modifications, you know. Solid tires, reinforced seatpost, heavy duty shocks. But, baby, this is one sweet ride.
Elaine: (chasing Newman) No, you better gimme back that bike. Newman, gimme...
Newman: Hey!! Help me!


Kramer: Hey! You're back!
Jerry: Oh, I'm back, baby.
Kramer: Yeah, how was it?
Jerry: Great. One of the best jobs I ever had.
Kramer: Good for you.
Jerry: I killed.
Kramer: You killed.
Jerry: (taking off his jacket) Slaughtered. Wiped the floor with 'em and (hanging up jacket) not only that, the money was unbelievable.
Kramer: Unbelievable.
Jerry: Yeah. Highest paying job I ever had.
Kramer: How much?
Jerry: (reluctant) Nah, nah. I'd rather...
Kramer: Aw, c'mon.
Jerry: Nah. It's not good for friends to talk about money, it can affect the friendship.
Kramer: I tell you how much I make.
Jerry: And I'm always impressed.
Kramer: Just show me the cheque, c'mon.
Jerry: Awright, fine. You wanna see it?
Kramer: I wanna see it.
Jerry: Okay.
Jerry: Here, check that out.
Kramer: (stunned) Whuf! This is unbelievable.
Jerry: I told you.
Kramer: My god, you're rich.
Jerry: (taking back the check) Oh yeah.
Kramer: I didn't know you made that kinda money. (subdued) Jeez.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: I don't think I can talk to you any more. I feel inferior.
Jerry: I never shoulda told you.
Kramer: You know, Jerry, I think this changes the relationship. I mean, I feel it. Do you feel it?
Jerry: No, I can't feel anything.
Kramer: Well, what're you gonna do with all that money?
Jerry: Actually, I was thinking of donating a large portion of it to charity.
Kramer: (pleased) Really?
Jerry: (deadpan) No.
Kramer: Well, you should, Jerry.
Jerry: No, to tell you the truth, I was thinking of buying my father a new car.
Kramer: Now, you see, that's nice.
Jerry: Maybe a Cadillac.
Kramer: (smiles) Cadillac. Ooh-la-la.
Jerry: Yeah. (thinking) That would really blow his mind. He's always wanted one, his whole life, he's never been able to afford it. (decisive) I'm gonna do it.
Kramer: You're gonna score some big points with the man upstairs on this one.
Jerry: Oh, isn't that what it's all about?
Elaine: Who was Pippi Longstocking?
Katy: Pippi Longstocking? (thoughtful) Hmm, I don't don't know.
Elaine: Did she have anything to do with Hitler?
Katy: Hitler? (thinks) Maybe.
George: Hey.
Elaine: Hey George.
George: Have you seen Jerry? (sitting beside Elaine) I told him two o'clock.
Elaine: (indicating) You remember Katy?
George: (distracted) Mm? (acknowledges Katy) Oh, hi. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We met uh, skiing that time. You're uh, married to the eye guy.
Katy: Also ear, nose and throat.
George: Nose. (chuckles) What's the worst that can happen to a nose? What does it get? Stuffed? (chuckles)
Katy: (amused) He's funny.
Elaine: Ah, you don't have to tell me.
George: Ahh, ladies, please, please. (chuckles)
Elaine: Oh, you know what? He got engaged.
Katy: Oh, you did? (disappointed) Oh.
George: What? Is that bad?
Katy: I actually would've set you up with a friend of mine.
George: Oh-ho, yeah?
Katy: You'd be perfect for her. She loves quirky, funny guys.
George: (curious) Bald? Uh?
Katy: Loves bald.
George: Loves bald? (laughs) Wow. Who uh, who is she?
Katy: Marisa Tomei.
George: (taken aback) The actress?
Katy: Yeah.
George: You're friends with Marisa Tomei?
Katy: That's right.
George: (getting excited) That's, that's incredible. My Cousin Vinnie, I love her, she was fantastic!
Katy: Yeah, I know.
George: (more excitement) You were gonna fix me up with her?
Katy: Yeah, she's just been sitting home.
George: (fever pitch) Marisa Tomei's sitting home, Elaine! Wh..why didn't you tell me that Katy was friends with Marisa Tomei?!
Elaine: (deadpan) Oh, I don't know what I was thinking.
Jerry: I want this baby fully loaded. (listens) Well, how soon can you get it there? (listens) Oh, that's terrific. (listens) Okay, thanks, bye.
Jerry: Hey, guess what. I just bought my father a Cadillac
George: Really? Wow, you're quite the good son.
Jerry: Yeah, I'm a very good boy. I'm flying down there and surprising him.
George: You gonna sleep on the fold-out?
Jerry: (joyless) Yeah, yes.
George: Uh, let me ask you something. You uh, you ever hear of Marisa Tomei?
Jerry: The actress?
George: Yeah. She's uh, she's something, isn't she?
Jerry: Oh yeah.
George: Well, you know Katy, Elaine's friend?
Jerry: Yeah?
George: She happens to be very good friends with her.
Jerry: Marisa Tomei?
George: Uh-hmm.
Jerry: How does she know Marisa Tomei?
George: I don't know, I didn't ask.
Jerry: You didn't ask how she knows Marisa Tomei?
George: Not the point!
Jerry: Alright.
George: Can I finish?
Jerry: Go ahead. Seems like a reasonable question, is all I'm saying. I would've asked her.
George: Alright! So, she said, that she could've fixed me up with her.
Jerry: What d'you mean, could've?
George: Well, you know, if I uh, wasn't engaged.
Jerry: Ohh!
George: Coulda fixed me up with Marisa Tomei. She said I was just her type!
Jerry: Really?
George: (getting animated) Yeah. Yeah. You know the odds of me being anyone's type?! I have never been anyone's type, but apparently, this Marisa Tomei loves funny, quirky, bald men.
Jerry: You know, she won an academy award?
George: (sarcasm) Hu-hu, like I don't know that? (excitement) My Cousin Vinnie, I love that! I, George Costanza, could be on a date with an Oscar winner! An Oscar winner, Jerry! You know what that's like? It's like if fifty years ago, someone fixed me up with Katherine Hepburn? Same thing!
Jerry: Now there's a match. You and Katherine Hepburn.
George: I mean, you've seen her, right?
Jerry: Katherine Hepburn? Oh yeah.
George: (shout) Marisa Tomei!
Jerry: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
George: I mean, she's beautiful, right? She's just my type. The dark hair, the full lips.
Jerry: You like full lips.
George: Oh, I love full lips. Something you can really put the lipstick on.
Jerry: Mmm-mmm. Too bad you're engaged.
George: (downcast) Yeah, too bad. Too bad.
Jerry: (about the pie) This is no good.
Jerry: Hi.
Nick: Hi, uh, excuse me. I'm uh, I'm with Plaza Cable. I'm sorry to bother you. I...I'm looking for the guy who lives over here. Been waiting about uh, heh, two hours. You uh, happen to know where he is?
Jerry: No.
Nick: If you see him, Could you just tell him the cable company was here?
Jerry: Sure.
Nick: Thanks.
Jerry: (about the cable guy) Nice people.
George: Listen, lemme ask you a question. What if I got a cup of coffee with her?
Jerry: Well, what about Susan?
George: (worked up) I can't have a cup of coffee with a person?! I'm not allowed to have coffee?!
Jerry: Would you tell Susan about it?
George: (frustrated) Not necessarily.
Jerry: Well, if you can't tell Susan about it, then there's something wrong.
George: (shouts) Of course there's something wrong! (points at Jerry) We had a pact!
Jerry: Hey, cable guy's looking for you.
Kramer: Oh, yeah?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: Oh. Yeah, I been getting HBO and Showtime for free. See, they just found out about it, so now they wanna come and take it out.
Jerry: Well, said he was waiting about two hours. Seemed a little put out.
Kramer: Oh, was he? Was he? I guess the cable man doesn't like to be kept waiting.
Jerry: You don't seem too bothered by it.
Kramer: You remember what they did to me ten years ago? "Oh, we'll be there in the morning between nine and one", or "We'll be there between two and six"! (quiet anger) And I sat there, hour after hour, without so much as a phone call. Finally, they show up, no apology, tracking mud all over my nice clean floors. (malice) Now, they want me to accommodate them. Well, looks like the shoe's on the other foot, doesn't it?
Jerry: Boy, I've never seen you like this.
Kramer: Oh, you don't wanna get on my bad side.
Marisa: ...positrack, which was not available on the sixty-four Buick Skylark.
Susan: Hey. (glances at TV) Hey what're you watching? What is that? My Cousin Vinnie?
George: Yeah.
Susan: I thought you saw that before. How come you're watching that again?
George: I..I..I dunno.
Susan: Did you know Marisa Tomei won an Oscar for that? Boy, she's beautiful, don't you think? I wish I looked like that.
Susan: Turn it off. You're making me jealous. I'm gonna think you like her more than you like me.
George: (forcing a laugh) Hu, ha.
Elaine (O.C.): Hello.
George: (whispering) Elaine, it's me, George.
Elaine: George. How come you're whispering?
George: (still quiet) Never mind, never mind. I need you to do me a favour. Uhm, remember what we were talking about at the coffee shop earlier?
Elaine: No.
George: (still quiet) Think, a second. You know, your friend was talking about me and, you know...
Elaine: Ech, George, I have no idea what you're talking about.
George: (still quiet) The actress.
Elaine: What?
George: (shouts) Marisa Tomei!
Susan (O.C.): What?
George: (calling to Susan) Uh, ah, nothing. Nothing.
Elaine: Oh, yeah. Yeah, what about her?
George: Well, uhm, I think I'd like to do it.
Elaine: What? (shocked) What?! George, no way. You're engaged!
George: A cup of coffee. That, that doesn't mean anything.
Elaine: Uhh. No George!
George: Elaine.
Elaine: Forget it!
George: Elaine! (shouts) ELAINE!!
George: D'oh...Oh, oh, the judge! I hate this guy!
Elaine: I can't believe you're buying your father a car.
Jerry: And, best of all, it's a Cadillac.
Elaine: (sharp intake of breath) Hoh. A Cadillac! (impressed) Wow.
Elaine: I had no idea you had this kind of money.
Jerry: Ahh, I uh, I don't like to talk about it.
Elaine: Yeah, I thought you were doing okay. I just didn't think you were in this kind of, you know, uh... position.
Jerry: Ah, it's just money.
Elaine: (smiling) So, when're you getting back from Florida?
Jerry: Oh, I don't know, play it by ear. Why?
Elaine: I don't know. (big smile) Just, things seem a little more exciting when you're around. That's all.
Jerry: Are you okay?
Elaine: (squeaky) Sure, sure.
Jerry: What was that?
Kramer: Quiet, quiet.
Nick: Hey, uh, you know the guy who lives here?
George: Yeah.
Nick: (quietly angry) All morning I been waiting here. All morning.
Nick: (still angry) The guy says he's gonna be home. I show up and all I do is wait. I'm getting pretty sick and tired of it. I'm not gonna put up with it much longer.
Kramer: I'm loving this.
George: Kramer, there's a guy out here that...
Kramer: Yeah, yeah. I know, I know.
George: (pointedly to Elaine) Oh. Thanks very much for yesterday, by the way.
Elaine: Jerry, he want me to fix him up with Marisa Tomei. I am not gonna be a part of this!
George: (animated) Fixed up? A cup of coffee! A cup of coffee is not a fix up!
Elaine: You wanna meet her. You wanna see if she likes you?
George: (defensive) So what? So what if I do?
Elaine: (shrill) You're engaged!
George: (worked up) I'm aware! I'm aware!! But this is Marisa Tomei, Elaine. An Oscar winner! How can I live the rest of my life, knowing I coulda been with Marisa Tomei? She said I was just her type! She loves short, stocky, balding funny men!
Jerry: I notice you threw 'stocky' in there.
George: Yeah, what the hell?!
Elaine: George! It's cheating.
George: (adamant) It's not cheating if there's no sex!
Elaine: Yes it is!
George: (frustrated) Ahh!
Elaine: (looking for support) Jerry!
Jerry: Uhm, hold, hold on a second. (pauses counting) I'm, I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you said.
George: (pleading) Elaine, c'mon. Would you just make the call? (indicates the phone) Please, make the call.
Elaine: (distractedly) Yeah, yeah, fine, I'll make...
George: (triumph) Alright.
Elaine: Eight-fifty.
Jerry: Oh, right.
Elaine: So uh, how are you getting to the airport? D'you need a ride, or...
Jerry: No, don't be silly, I've arranged a car.
Elaine: You sure? You sure? 'Cos, you know...
Jerry: Maybe I'll let you pick me up.
Elaine: (big smile) Okay.
Elaine: Oh, hi. Uhm, is Katy there? (listens) Wh...? Uhm, what? (listens) Oh, really?
Elaine: Well, could you tell her Elaine called? Yeah, thanks.
Elaine: Huh, she's in the hospital. (concerned) She has an arrhythmia.
George: (impatient) What about Marisa Tomei?!
Helen: Morty, what d'you have to open this box for? (waving at another box) There's already a box of cookies open.
Morty: I wanted a Chip Ahoy.
Helen: I don't like all these open boxes.
Morty: Look, I got a few good years left. If I want a Chip Ahoy, I'm having it.
Jerry: Surprise!
Morty: (shout) Jerry!
Helen: (shock) Oh, my god!
Morty: What the hell are you doing here?
Jerry: I'm a good son.
Helen: Just like that? No calls?
Jerry: Just like that.
Morty: Boy, you are really something.
Helen: To what do we owe this great honour?
Jerry: You wanna know? Come on outside.
Morty: Outside? What's going on?
Helen: Whenever Jerry comes, something exciting happens.
Morty: (laughs) Heh hah!
Jerry: C'mon, c'mon.
Jerry: Well, what d'you think?
Morty: Look at this! Look at this! (excited) You bought a Cadillac?!
Jerry: I bought it for you. It's yours.
Morty: You what? You bought me a Cadillac?
Jerry: I bought you a Cadillac. (hands over the keys) Here you go.
Helen: (sharply, to Jerry) Are you out of your mind?
Jerry: What?
Morty: (to Helen) You don't want it? Are you kidding?
Helen: He's not buying us a Cadillac.
Morty: What are you, nuts?
Helen: It's a very nice gesture Jerry, but take it back.
Morty: (to Jerry) Can you believe this?!
Helen: I'm not letting him buy us a Cadillac. He hasn't got that kind of money.
Jerry: How d'you know?
Helen: Oh, get out of here Mister Big Shot.
Jerry: Why can't I buy my father a car?
Helen: Your father doesn't need a car.
Morty: Yes, I do!
Helen: Oh, Morty.
Morty: We're keeping it.
Helen: Over my dead body.
Jerry: (under his breath) Well, this worked out just as I had hoped.
Machine (Kramer): Giddyup.
Nick (O.C.): Yeah, this is Nick Stevens, from Plaza Cable.
Nick (O.C.): Well, I waited all morning again. You said you were gonna be there from nine to one.
Nick (O.C.): I was there. Where were you? You think I got nothing better to do than stand outside all morning, waiting for you to show up?!
Nick (O.C.): You're not gonna get away with this!
Morty: Hey Jerry, look at this. My seat's got a memory, in case somebody moves it. I could be in prison for five years. I come out, my seat goes right back to where I like it.
Jerry: That's what I was thinking.
Jack: (pointing) Hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Hiya, Jack.
Morty: (indicating) So, how d'you like this?
Jack: Who's car?
Morty: It's mine.
Jack: Yours?
Morty: That's right. My son bought it for me.
Jack: He what?
Morty: My son bought me the car. It's a present.
Jack: (disbelief) You bought it?
Jerry: That's right. I bought it.
Morty: You ever see one so nice?
Jack: Some car.
Morty: You wanna take a ride?
Jack: No, thank you.
Morty: C'mon, take a ride.
Jack: I don't wanna take a ride.
Morty: Why not?
Jack: I don't feel like taking a ride. Do I have to take a ride?!
Jerry: He doesn't wanna take a ride.
Morty: Uh huh.
Jack: (worked up) What d'you think? I've never ridden in a Cadillac before? Believe me, I've ridden in a Cadillac hundreds of times. Thousands.
Morty: (skeptical) Thousands?!
Jack: What? D'you think you're such a big shot now, because you got a Cadillac?
Morty: (dismissive) Ahh!
Jack: (dismissive) Yaah!
Morty: Could you believe that guy?
Jerry: Aahh!
George: Anyway, I was thinking about what you said. About uh, me and Marisa.
George: You know, about the uh, two of us getting together. And I know that I said I was engaged, but (laughs) uh, you know, it's really just something you say. It's like, going steady. You know uh, going steady, engaged, it's, it's all just stuff you say. (chuckles) Anyway, I was watching uh, My Cousin Vinnie, on the uh, on the tape the other day, and I was thinking that uh, you know, the two of us might take a meeting, as they say. (chuckles) So, what d'you, what d'you think?
George: (urgent) Move a pinkie, if it's yes. Can you move a pinkie?
Kramer: Y'hello.
Nick (O.C.): (inexpertly disguising his voice) Hi, uh ah, Mister Kramer, ah, this is McNab down at the phone company. We've got a report about some trouble on your line.
Kramer: Hmm. Well, I haven't had any trouble.
Nick (O.C.): Uh, the thing is, we happen to have a man right in your neighbourhood.
Kramer: (playing along) Ohh, is that right? Well, I have been having a little trouble with my call-waiting.
Nick: We can fix that. We can fix that.
Kramer: (sitting back on the couch) Oh, can you? That's funny, because, as it happens, I don't have call-waiting. Seems to me that the phone company would know that.
Nick: Oh, right. (laughing it off) I'm sorry, I was looking at the wrong work order.
Kramer: Yeah. Could you hold on for a second? I've got something on the stove.
Kramer: Hey, McNab!
Kramer: Chunnel's on HBO tonight. Why don't you stop by?
Morty: Alright. Next thing on the agenda, the restoration of the fence at the Briarwood gate. At the present time, we are still accepting bids.
Herb: C'mon Morty, it's been broken for six months already. What the hell are you doing?
Morty: Well, I, as your president, have to find the best price, and right now, I for one, do not think it's cost-feasible.
Jack: (half to himself) I'll bet you don't.
Morty: What was that?
Jack: C'mon Morty, the jig is up!
Morty: What're you talking about?
Jack: I'm sorry. I'm sitting here, the whole meeting, holding my tongue. I've known you a long time, Morty, but I cannot hold it in any longer.
Herb: What's going on, Jack?
Jack: I'll tell you what's going on. Morty Seinfeld has been stealing funds from the treasury.
Morty: Stealing?!
Ralph: What proof do you have?
Jack: Proof? You want proof? He's driving around in a brand new Cadillac. Now what more proof do you want?
Morty: My son bought me that car!
Jack: Your son?
Morty: Yeah.
Jack: Your son could never afford that car. We all saw his act, last year, at the playhouse. He's lucky he can pay his rent!
Herb: Jack's right! He stinks!
Ralph: It's his material.
Morty: I tell you, he bought it for me!
Herb: (bangs table with his fist) I move for a full investigation!
Ralph: I second.
Marisa: ...go introduce myself.
Susan: Hey! What're you watching? (looks at TV) Only You? That's another Marisa Tomei movie, and you've seen that one too. (jokingly) What, d'you have a thing for her?
George: (laughing it off and trying too hard) Yeah, yeah. I have a thing for Marisa Tomei. Like she would ever go out with a short, stocky, bald man. (forced laughter) Hu hu, ha ha. Like that's her type. Huh. She's an Oscar winner. (nervous laughter) He heh. Besides, I don't even know her. It's not like anyone's trying to fix us up. Who, who would try and fix me up with Marisa Tomei?
Susan: What are you talking about?
Marisa: Have I told you how much I love you today?
George: Not in the last fifteen minutes.
Marisa: Well, I do love you very much.
George: And I love you, Marisa.
Marisa: Well then, c'mon, get dressed. We're going to be late for the premiere.
Helen: Impeachment?
Morty: That's right. Have you ever heard of anything like that?
Helen: Can they do that?
Morty: If they get the votes.
Helen: I told you we shouldn't have let him give us the car.
Jerry: Didn't you tell 'em I got the bill of sale? That proves I paid for it.
Morty: It doesn't make a difference. They think we're in cahoots.
Jerry: You know, you could put a fence around these condos, and call it an insane asylum. Nobody would know the difference!
Morty: No-one's ever been impeached before. I couldn't live here. We'd have to move to Boca.
Evelyn: Hello?
Jerry: Oh, hi Evelyn.
Evelyn: Hello, Jerry. (to the senior Seinfelds) I just got off the phone with Saul Brandus.
Helen: What'd he say?
Evelyn: He's voting to impeach.
Evelyn: Not because he think you stole the money, but mainly because you never thanked him for giving you his aisle seat at Freddy Roman's show.
Morty: I did so thank him!
Helen: (admonishing) No, he never heard you. (prods Morty's back) I told you he didn't hear you.
Morty: Ah, he's deaf anyway.
Evelyn: Now, my sources tell me, there's three votes for impeachment, three votes against impeachment, and one undecided.
Morty: Who's that?
Evelyn: Mrs Choate.
Jerry: Who's she?
Morty: Oh, that one. She's been a member of the board longer than anybody. She's very tough to deal with.
Helen: Maybe we should have her over for coffee, and explain our side of it?
Morty: That's a good idea.
Evelyn: Okay. I'll see you at the Lichtenberg's, tonight.
Helen: (surprise) The Lichtenberg's?
Evelyn: Yes, they're having a party.
Helen: We weren't invited.
Evelyn: Oh. Probably they think you're too good for them. You know, because of the car.


Jerry (V.O.): Last week, on Seinfeld.
Jerry (V.O.): Ow. Stupid fold-out! Why'd they put the bar in the middle of the bed?
Jerry: Hello?
Elaine: (flirtatious) Hi Jerry.
Jerry: Elaine? Wh..what's going on?
Elaine: (clears throat) I was thinking, I mean, I'm not really doing that much this weekend, and I thought, well, huh, what the hell, maybe I'll come down there and hang out a little.
Jerry: (a little confused) You wanna hang out here, at phase two of the Pines of Mar Gables?
Elaine: Well, it's just two hours by plane...
Jerry: Gee, I dunno what to tell you.
Elaine: Dammit! I got another call. Uh, hang on, don't hang up Jerry.
Elaine: Yeah?
George: (urgent whisper) Elaine! You have got to get me Marisa Tomei's phone number!
Elaine: (impatient) Okay, George, I am on the other line. I promise you, I'll get you her number.
George: Yeahhh.
Elaine: Goodbye.
Elaine: (smiling and flirty) Hi.
Jerry: Hi.
Elaine: So, what d'you think?
Jerry: Uh, I don't think so.
Elaine: (disappointed) Oh.
Jerry: I'll be back on Monday.
Elaine: Well, if you need that ride, just uhm, gimme a call. (little laugh) Heh. I can meet you at the gate, Jer.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Alright, I'll see you.
Elaine: (urgent) Jerry? Jerry?
Jerry: (putting the phone back to his ear) Yeah.
Elaine: (breathy) Bye.
Jerry: Bye.
Kramer: Hello.
John: Hello, Mister Kramer? This is John Hanaran, from Con Ed.
Kramer: Ohh, it's Hanaran now, is it?
John (V.O.): Yeah. We've had some reports of power surges in your building. It seems some jokers were up on the roof, and they must've damaged some of the wires.
Kramer: Oh, you don't say.
John: (a little confused by Kramer) Yeah. Either way, we need to get into your apartment and do a safety check.
Kramer: (impressed) Ohh, you're good. You are really good.
John: (confused) What're you talking about?
George: Marisa Tomei! I, just spoke to Marisa Tomei! (sitting opposite Elaine) And I wasn't even that nervous.
George: You know, I can't remember the last time I called a woman without being nervous. I, usually, I'm pacing all over the room, I'm...
Elaine: (looking at her watch) Okay, well that's all the time we have for today. Why don't we pick up with this next week?
George: Hey, where you going?
Elaine: I got stuff to do.
George: What? You can't leave yet.
Elaine: Why not?
George: We have to discuss my alibi.
Elaine: Alibi? What does that have to do with me?
George: I usually spend Saturday afternoons with Susan. She's gonna want to know what I'm doing. I can't use Jerry, he's in Florida.
Elaine: Oh, so you wanna say you were with me?
George: Yes.
Elaine: (pulls a face) Puh. Okay, fine. You were with me.
George: Wait a second, wait. Why are we together?
Elaine: What is the difference?
George: Because, if you ever see her and it comes up, we have to be in sync. Hmm?
George: Okay. Now, why do I have to see (points) you?
Elaine: Ah! Because, I'm going to the dentist, and I'm afraid, and I want you to go with me.
George: (dismissive) It's no good.
Elaine: (pointedly) Okay. Fine.
George: What?
Elaine: I don't like the way you just rejected my suggestion.
George: Hey, hey, let's not get so defensive here. This is a give and take process.
Elaine: I thought that my suggestion was good. And, I think you could've been a little more tactful.
George: (explaining, with lots of hand gestures) Okay, look. We've never worked together on a lie. Now, you don't understand how I work. I have a certain way of working. Jerry and I have worked together a few times. He knows how I work. It's not a personal thing, y'know? We're just trying to come up with the best possible lie. That's what this is all about.
Elaine: (weary) Okay.
George: Alright?
Elaine: Okay.
George: Okay.
Elaine: Fine.
George: Good.
Elaine: Fine, fine, fine.
George: Okay. How about this?
Elaine: What?
George: (pleased with himself) You are having problems with your boyfriend and I am meeting you to discuss the situation.
Elaine: I don't have a boyfriend.
George: (still pleased) She doesn't know that. We say that you do.
Elaine: (not convinced) Ech.
George: It's good. Believe me.
Elaine: I thought my idea was just as good.
George: The dentist thing?
Elaine: (pointed) Yeah, right. The dentist thing.
George: Alright, the dentist thing was not good.
Elaine: Okay, alright. What's his name? Who is he?
George: (after a moment's thought) Art Vandelay.
Elaine: (incredulity) Art Vandelay? This is my boyfriend?
George: That's your boyfriend.
Elaine: What does he do?
George: He's an importer.
Elaine: Just imports? No exports?
George: (getting irritated) He's an importer-exporter. Okay?
Elaine: Okay. So, I'm dating Art Vandelay. What is the problem we're discussing?
George: (thoughtful) Yes. Yes.
Elaine: (sighs) Yi-yi-yi.
Elaine: Ah! (explaining, with hand gestures) How 'bout this? How about, he's thinking of quitting the exporting, and just focussing in on the importing. And this is causing a problem, because, why not do both?
Elaine: (irked) Oh, what? You don't like that suggestion either?
George: It's very complicated.
Elaine: (definitely irritated) You know, it seems to me that it's all you, and none of my ideas are getting in. You know, I mean, you just know it all and I am Miss Stupid. Right?
Morty: What're you doing? Are you making coffee?
Helen: Yeah.
Morty: Well, maybe you better make a pot of tea, too.
Helen: Morty, you're driving me crazy.
Morty: Look, I don't want anything to go wrong. If this woman votes to impeach me, I'll be a laughing stock.
Helen: You wanna drive a Cadillac? Expect to pay the consequences.
Morty: There she is.
Morty: Hello. Hello, Mrs Choate.
Helen: Oh, come in, come in. May I take your coat.
Mrs. Choate: No, no. I prefer to wear it. Nobody's taking my coat.
Helen: Ah, how 'bout a cup of coffee or something?
Mrs. Choate: Coffee? Ach. I'll take hot water with lemon, if you have it.
Helen: I'll see. (indicating the couch) Have a seat. That's a lovely scarf you're wearing. Where did you get it?
Mrs. Choate: Ahh, they're a dime a dozen.
Helen: Oh, hi Jerry. Mrs Choate, (indicating) this is my son, Jerry.
Jerry: Gimme that rye!)
Mrs. Choate: Stop it. Let go. Help! Someone, help!
Jerry: Shut up, you old bag!
Mrs. Choate: (shouting after him) Thief! Stop him! Stop him, he's got my rye!
Jerry: Nice to meet you.
Mrs. Choate: Hello.
Morty: (holding Jerry's shoulders) Jerry lives in New York. You just came from New York, didn't you?
Mrs. Choate: Yeah. I was visiting my daughter, and I'll never go back. The crime there is just terrible. Do you know I got mugged for a marble rye, right on the street?
Helen: (sympathy) Oh, that's terrible. They stole a rye? Why would they steal a rye?
Morty: That's what the city's turning into. They'll steal anything.
Mrs. Choate: They're like savages.
Jerry: Yeah, there's some sickos out there.
Mrs. Choate: (peering at Jerry) You look very familiar. Have we ever met?
Jerry: You ever go to Camp Tiyoga?
Helen: Maybe you've seen him on television.
Morty: Jerry's a comedian.
Mrs. Choate: Naw, I don't watch TV.
Jerry: (opening the door) Well, it was nice meeting you.
Morty: Jerry, don't go.
Jerry: Ah, I think I'll go.
Mrs. Choate: So, Morty, what's this all about? What d'you want?
Susan: Hey, where're you going?
George: Wha..? I didn't tell you? I gotta go meet Elaine.
Susan: Elaine? What for?
George: I don't know. She..She's having some problems with this guy she's seeing.
Susan: I didn't even know she was dating anyone.
George: Yeah, yeah. She's seeing this guy, Art Vandelay.
Susan: So what does he do?
George: He's an importer-exporter.
Susan: What kind of problems are they having?
George: (not happy delivering Elaine's lie) Well, he uh, he wants to uh, quit the exporting and uh, focus just on the importing. And it's a problem, because she thinks the exporting is as important as the importing.
Susan: Are you having an affair with Elaine?
George: (trying to laugh it off) Right. C'mon! I'm having an affair with Elaine?! If I was having an affair with Elaine, I wouldn't tell you I'm going to see Elaine. I would make up some other person to tell you I was gonna go see, and then I would go see Ela..Elaine.
Susan: Huh?
Nick: (yelling after the fleeing Kramer) I'll get you! I'll get you Kramer! You won't get away with this!
Morty: Alright, are you ready to eat?
Helen: (glancing at her watch) Oh, right, let's go. Jerry, let's go, it's time to eat. We're going to dinner.
Jerry: (confused) Dinner? W..What time is it?
Helen: (pulling on a coat) It's four-thirty.
Jerry: (bewildered) Four-thirty? Who eats dinner at four-thirty?
Morty: By the time we sit down, it'll be quarter to five.
Jerry: I don't understand why we have to eat now.
Helen: We gotta catch the early-bird. It's only between four-thirty and six.
Morty: Yeah. They give you a tenderloin, a salad and a baked potato, for four-ninety-five. You know what that cost you after six?
Jerry: Can't we eat at a decent hour? I'll treat, okay?
Helen: You're not buying us dinner.
Jerry: (emphatic) I'm not force-feeding myself a steak at four-thirty to save a coupla bucks, I'll tell you that!
Helen: Alright, (sitting on the couch) we'll wait. (pointedly) But it's unheard of.
George: ...So, anyway, if you think about it, manure is not really that bad a word. I mean, it's 'newer', which is good, and a 'ma' in front of it, which is also good. Ma-newer , right?
Marisa: (laughing) You're so right. I never thought of it like that. Manure. 'Ma' and the 'newer'.
Marisa: Did you just make that up?
George: What, you think I'm doing material here?
Marisa: (laughs) No, no. It's hard to believe anyone could be so spontaneously funny.
George: (modest) And I'm a little tired.
Marisa: So, tell me, how is it that a man like you, so bald, and so quirky and funny, how is it you're not taken?
George: Well, Marisa. See, the thing is... I'm sort of engaged.
Marisa: What?
George: I'm, you know, engaged.
Jerry (V.O): Hey look, there's a spot right in front.
Morty(V.O.): Always, Jerry. Always.
Doris: Was that delicious or what?
Jack: Where you gonna get a better meal than that?
Doris: Better than Danny's.
Jack: Danny's? (scoffs) C'mon!
Morty: Hello Jack.
Helen: Doris.
Doris: Hello, hello.
Jerry: Jack.
Doris: Hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Hi Doris.
Jack: Hello Morty. (looking at watch) Well, missed the early bird.
Morty: Yeah, so?
Jack: (pointed) Must be nice to have that kind of money.
Jack: Bernie, look who's eating at six o'clock. (pointed) Your suddenly well-to-do president. But, you enjoy your last meal in office. Tomorrow, they kick you out, you'll have plenty of time to drive around in your Cadillac.
Morty: They're not kicking me out. You don't have the votes.
Jack: That's what you think.
Morty: We'll see.
Jack: Yes, we will.
Jerry: Awright, let's eat already.
Elaine: Hi, Susan.
Susan: Hi.
Elaine: Hi. Come in, come in. Have a seat.
Susan: (standing) Uh, Elaine, I have to ask you a question.
Elaine: Oh, sure.
Susan: (dead serious) Are you having an affair with George?
Elaine: (disbelief) Wha...?! (uncontrolled laughter) Ha ha ha. Ha, no.
Elaine: (laughter) Don't be ridiculous! (laughter) I mean, why would anyone wanna sleep...
Elaine: ...Well, obviously... You know... (disbelief) Ap..ap, Chu... Why would you think I was having an affair with George?
Susan: Ohh, because he said that he had to talk with you earlier about some problem that you were having.
Elaine: (recalling the arranged lie) Yeah, yeah, I did have to talk with him. I definitely had to talk with him. Having a problem with my boyfriend.
Susan: Art Vandelay?
Elaine: Yeah, Art Vandelay.
Susan: I'm sorry. (laughing it off) I feel like an idiot.
Elaine: (smiling) No, no. (laughing) Huh-hu-hu. It's okay.
Susan: Oh, just forget that we ever talked. Okay?
Elaine: It is so forgotten.
Susan: Alright.
Elaine: Okay. (relieved) Okay, no problem.
Susan: So, was George helpful at all?
Elaine: (unconvincing) Yeah. Oh, yes, yes, he was very helpful. (hesitant) Uhm, because, you know, Art and I were getting into this whole thing about his business. Uhm, you know he's an importer-exporter.
Susan: (not convinced) Yeah.
Elaine: (explaining, with gestures) Uhm, George felt that I was too adamant in my stand that Art should focus on the exporting and forget about the importing.
Susan: (spotting an inconsistency) Wait a minute. I thought that Art wanted to give up the exporting.
Elaine: What'd I say?
Susan: The importing.
Elaine: (caught out) I did. Uh...
Susan: So, what does he uh, import?
Elaine: (extemporising) Uh... chips.
Susan: Oh. What kinda chips?
Elaine: Potato.
Susan: Ah.
Elaine: (embroidering) Some corn.
Susan: And what does he export?
Elaine: Diapers.
Susan: (fake smile) I'm sorry for bothering you.
Elaine: Oh, no, it's okay.
Elaine: Okay.
Elaine: (to herself) C'mon, George, pick up. Oh, pick up. Oh, pick up.
George: Hi.
Susan: Hi. (pointedly) So, George, what does Art Vandelay import?
George: Matches? Long matches.
Herb: ...There she is. Okay, if I can have your attention for a minute here. We're calling this emergency meeting of the board of phase two, to consider a motion of impeachment of our president, (indicating) Morty Seinfeld.
Morty: Nervous, Jack?
Jack: What for?
Morty: Because I have the votes.
Morty: Nice to see you, Mrs Choate.
Mrs. Choate: Hello, Morty.
Herb: Building A. Are you for, or against, the motion to impeach?
Ralph: What does that mean?
Herb: It means, if you're for the motion, you're against Morty.
Ralph: So why don't you say that?
Herb: Hey, I'm running the meeting.
Ralph: If you think so.
Herb: Building A?
Building A: For impeachment.
Herb: Building B?
Building B: Against impeachment.
Herb: Building C?
Building C: For impeachment.
Herb: Building D?
Mrs. Choate: Against impeachment.
Jack: (a whisper to Morty) I can't believe you got that old bag.
Mrs. Choate: Help! Someone help!
Jerry: Shut up, you old bag!
Mrs. Choate: (after Jerry) Oh, thief! Thief!
Mrs. Choate: It's him. (pointing at Morty) It's your son. Now I know where I saw him. He stole my marble rye.
Morty: My son never stole anything. He's a good boy.
Ralph: They should lock him up.
Mrs. Choate: (pointing at Morty) Like father, like son. (thumps table) I change my vote. I vote to impeach!
Building B: Me too. I change my vote.
Herb: All those in favour, say aye.
All (Except Morty): Aye.
Herb: All opposed.
Herb: The ayes have it. The motion passes.
Herb: Morty Seinfeld, you are officially dismissed as condo president. As vice-president, Jack Klompus, in accordance with the phase two constitution, is hereby installed as president.
Herb: Hear, hear, Jack.
Nick: (weary) Alright, I know you're in there. I know you can hear me. You win, okay? You win. I can't do it any more. What d'you want from me? Apology? Alright, I'm sorry. There, I said it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I see now how we made you feel when we made you sit home waiting. I dunno why we do it. (upset) I guess maybe we just kind of enjoy taking advantage of people. (reasonable) Well, that's gonna change. From now on, no more 'nine to twelve', no more 'one to five'. We're gonna have appointments. Eleven o'clock is gonna mean eleven o'clock. And, if we can't make it, we're gonna call you, tell you why. (worked up) For god's sakes, if a doctor can do it, why can't we? (almost sobbing) Anyway, that's it.
Jerry: The bags are in the car, I guess we better go.


Elaine: Mr. Peterman sent me over here for a physical because as you may or may not know, he and I are going on a trip to Kenya. Africa. My first such mission for the company. The Massai bushmen wear these great sandals and we're gonna knock them off. Not the Massai, the sandals.
Doctor: I'll need a urine sample.
Elaine: Right.
George: You know how hot it gets there? Like 150 degrees. Your skin is gonna be simmering with boils.
Elaine: Oh, Come on.
Jerry: Hey George, you coming to the Tonight Show on Thursday?
George: Hey, yeah. My parents want to come too, is that ok?
Jerry: Yeah, sure. My parents will be there.
Elaine: The Tonight Show?
Jerry: Yeah, they're in town this week, you wanna go?
Elaine: Are you doing new material?
Jerry: No.
Elaine: I don't think so.
Kramer: Hey. Super's in my bathroom changing my shower head. Have they changed your shower head?
Jerry: No, he's doing mine next. They're low flow you know.
Kramer: Low flow? Well I don't like the sound of that.
Elaine: So what are your parents doing here in new York?
Jerry: Well, they were humiliated. I mean after the impeachment, my father left office in disgrace.
Elaine: So what are their plans?
Jerry: Well, this is the problem. They're moving into this new development. Here's the pamphlet. Del Boca Vista. But they're not quite ready to go back so they're in seclusion here for a while at Uncle Leo's.
Elaine: You mean the three of them in that tiny apartment?
Jerry: No, Leo's not there. He's got a girlfriend, Lydia. In fact, he moved in with her.
George: Uncle Leo's having regular sex?
Jerry: Yeah, I know. It devalues the whole thing.
Jerry: (answering phone) Hello?
Morty: Jerry, what time do we have to be at the the Tonight Show on Thursday.
Jerry: You gotta be there at 430.
Morty: But it comes on 1130.
Jerry: Yeah, well they tape it in the afternoon and then they air it at 1130.
Morty: How long they been doing this?
Jerry: 30 years.
Morty: Helen, did you know that they tape this thing in the afternoon?
Jerry: All right, I'll see you later.
Elaine: Georgie, how come your parents never moved to Florida?
George: Yeah, that is odd, isn't it?
Jerry: Yeah, it is.
George: I mean, they're retired.
Jerry: No economic reason for them to be here.
George: They have no friends.
Jerry: No social reason for them to be here.
Elaine: You're all grown up.
George: Yeah, they're all through ruining my life. What the hell are they still doing here? Lemme see this pamphlet. Hm. All right, so I'll, uh, get back to you.
Helen: Where can I buy some ice? Your father likes a lot of ice.
Jerry: I don't know, maybe get an ice tray?
Helen: I can do that.
Jerry: You know Dad just called me.
Helen: Yeah, I know. His phlebitis is acting up.
Jerry: Yeah, all right, well I got some people here.
Helen: Ok.
Jerry: All right, bye. (to Elaine) You see this? Any thought pops into their head they're calling me because it's a local call now.
Elaine: Ahh.
Jerry: I'm used to a 1200 mile buffer zone. I can't handle this. Plus I got the dinners, I got the pop ins. They pop in! It's brutal!
Elaine: They have no idea when they're going back to Florida?
Jerry: The only way out of this is if Leo breaks up with his girlfriend and has to move back into the apartment and then they would have to go back to Florida.
Elaine: How's that gonna happen?
Uncle Leo: It's about time you called your uncle. We've got to do this once a week.
Jerry: (to himself) Once a week? (to Uncle Leo) So how's Lydia?
Uncle Leo: Ah, she's a real tiger.
Jerry: I don't know how you do it.
Uncle Leo: What?
Jerry: A man like you, limiting yourself to one woman, I don't know. But it's none of my business.
Uncle Leo: What are you talking about?
Jerry: Well...
Uncle Leo: Look at this, I told them medium rare, it's medium.
Jerry: Hey, it happens.
Uncle Leo: I bet that cook is an anti-Semite.
Jerry: He has no idea who you are.
Uncle Leo: They don't just overcook a hamburger, Jerry.
Jerry: All right. Anyway, the point I was making before Goerbbles made your hamburger is a man like you could be dating women twenty years younger. C'mon Uncle Leo, I've seen the way women look at you. When's the last time you looked in a mirror? You're an Adonis! You've got beautiful features, lovely skin, you're in the prime of your life here, you should be swinging. If I were you I'd tell this Lydia character, "It's been real," move back into that bachelor pad and put out a sign; Open for business.
Uncle Leo: Believe me, I thought about it. But she is so perfect in every way, I can't see a flaw.
Jerry: Well, keep looking.
Peterman: I'm afraid I have some bad news, Elaine. It appears you will not be accompanying me to Africa.
Elaine: What? Why not?
Peterman: I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You tested positive for opium.
Elaine: Opium?
Peterman: That's right, Elaine. White lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally.
Elaine: Ihat's impossible, I've never done a drug in my life. Dr. Strugatz must have made a mistake.
Peterman: Not a chance. I'm afraid I'll just have to find someone else to accompany me on my journey. The dark continent is no place for an addict, Elaine.
Elaine: Obviously, Mr. Peterman, there's something wrong with this test. I don't take opium. Let me take another one, please? I'll call the doctor right now, I'll take a pop urine test.
Peterman: All right, Elaine.
Elaine: Oh, thank you Mr. Peterman. (Drinks a glass of water) I'll be ready in three minutes.
George: Whew! Boy, it's cold outside, huh? Oh, these New York winters, huh. Bitter cold, bitter.
Frank: I was out for five minutes before, I couldn't feel my extremities.
Estelle: What extremities?
George: You know what the temperature in Florida is today? Eh? Seventy-nine. That's almost eighty. Yeah, I read someplace the life expectancy in Florida is eighty-one and in Queens, seventy-three.
Estelle: So George, why are you here?
George: What, I can't stop by and visit my parents? (Drops pamphlet on coffee table)
Estelle: What's this.
George: That's where the Seinfeld's are moving. They got a great deal. Yep. You know what they got in Florida? Jai-Alai! You bet on the games, you clean up.
Estelle: I don't bet.
George: What about the dolphins? You could swim with the dolphins down there.
Estelle: I don't swim.
George: You could pet them. They come right out of the water onto the sidewalks.
Estelle: Are you trying to get rid of us?
George: Rid? Nah, c'mon, the word is 'care'. Care. I care about your comfort, be it here in Queens or twelve-hundred miles away.
Elaine: No?
Kramer: Jerry? Jerry!
Kramer: Wha, you too?
Jerry: Yeah!
Kramer: These showers are horrible. There's no pressure, I can't get the shampoo out of my hair.
Jerry: Me either.
Kramer: If I don't have a good shower I am not myself. I feel weak and ineffectual. I'm not Kramer.
Jerry: You? What about me? I got the Tonight Show tonight. I'm gonna have to shower in the dressing room.
Kramer: (leaving) Aw.
Jerry: Where are you going?
Kramer: I gotta find another shower.
Kramer: They got you too?
Newman: This stuff is awful! I'm not Newman!
Kramer: Oh, Elaine. Yeah.
Elaine: Kramer, you look terrible.
Kramer: Look, I need the keys to your apartment, I gotta take a shower.
Elaine: What's wrong with your shower?
Kramer: There's no water pressure.
Elaine: Why don't you just go see Jerry?
Kramer: Jerry's got nothing. Newman's got nothing. You're the only one I know who's got the good stuff, and I need it bad, baby, cause I feel like I got bugs crawling up my skin. Now you gotta help me out.
Peterman: (busting in) Not on my watch! (Grabs Kramer by the collar) I won't have you turning my office into a den of iniquity! Get your fix somewhere else!
Elaine: Mr Peterman! What are you doing?
Peterman: Elaine, you're out of control. You need help.
Elaine: Huh?
Peterman: I know what you're going through. I too once fell under the spell of opium. It was 1979. I was travelling the Yangtzee in search of a Mongolian horsehair vest. I had got to the market after sundown, all of the clothing traders had gone, but a different sort of trader still lurked about. "Just a taste," he said. That was all it took.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, I don't know what's going on here. I am not addicted to anything.
Peterman: Oh, Elaine. The toll road of denial is a long and dangerous one. The price? Your soul. Oh, and by the way, you have til' 500 to clear out your desk. You're fired.
Helen: All they serve is chicken?
Jerry: There's more food down the hall.
Morty: Wrap it up, we'll take it home.
Jerry: Oh, hi.
Estelle: Hello Seinfelds.
Morty: Hello.
Helen: Hi.
Frank: This is your dressing room? They treat you like Toscanini.
Estelle: Oh, Jerry. I don't know how you could do this. I'm so nervous for you.
Jerry: Actually, I'm drunk.
George: Hey, hey, how was Florida?
Morty: Well, we just bought a new place down there.
Estelle: I know, we were looking at the brochure.
Morty: What?
Helen: Why, you thinking of moving?
Frank: Not really.
Morty: Because if you are, you shouldn't. There's nothing available in that development.
Frank: Are you telling me there's not one condo available in all of Del Boca Vista?
Morty: That's right. They went like hotcakes.
Frank: How'd you get yours?
Morty: Got lucky.
Frank: Are you trying to keep us out of Del Boca Vista?!
Jerry: I know this doesn't seem like work to any of you, if you could perhaps conduct your psychopath convention down the hall, I could just get a little personal space.
Elaine: How could I have tested positive twice? Once I could understand, that's a mistake. But twice?
Waitress: Yeah, it's hard to figure.
Elaine: I mean I lost my job, I can't go to Africa. I was gonna meet the bush-men of the Kalahari.
Waitress: Ah, the bush-men?
Elaine: And the bush-women.
Man: (also seated at the counter) Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing. I notice you're eating a poppy seed muffin.
Elaine: Yeah, I eat these muffins all the time.
Man: Well, you know what opium is made from...
Elaine: (as though receiving a revelation) Poppies!
Jay Leno: Welcome back. Talking with Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry, lemme ask you, I saw some people back there, they look like.. family? Is that family?
Jerry: Yeah, I got some family backstage. Course my family's nuts; they're crazy. Yep. My uncle Leo, (quick take of Uncle Leo in bet with Lydia, watching Jerry on TV. Lydia is laughing, Leo is not) I had lunch with him the other day, he's one of these guys that anything goes wrong in life, he blames it on anti-Semitism. You know what I mean, the spaghetti's not al dente? Cook's an anti-Semite. Loses a bet on a horse. Secretariat? Anti-Semitic. Doesn't get a good seat at the temple. Rabbi? Anti-Semite.
Jerry: Hey, listen to this, Uncle Leo broke up with his girlfriend because of the bit I did. She thought it was funny, so he accused *her* of being an anti-Semite. They had a huge fight and now he's moving back into his apartment. You know what this means, my parents are gonna go back to Florida... What? What number is this? Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Jerry: Hey Kramer, my parents are gonna have to move back to Florida, isn't that great?
Kramer: (halfheartedly) Yeah, well I'm really happy for ya.
Jerry: Hey, you're not giving it to me, man. What's wrong?
Kramer: I just took a bath, Jerry. A bath?
Jerry: No good?
Kramer: It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me.
Jerry: Well, you used to sit in that hot tub?
Kramer: Jerry, that was superheated water, nothing could live in that.
Jerry: (offering a plate) Chicken?
Kramer: Oh, yeah.
Elaine: Well, this you're not gonna believe. I found out why I was testing positive for opium. Poppy seeds!
Jerry: Poppy seeds!
Kramer: Well, that makes sense. (Offers plate to Elaine) Want some chicken?
Elaine: Yeah. Thanks. So, I'm gonna get tested again later, hopefully I'll get my job back and I will be on my way to Africa.
Jerry: Hello Newman.
Newman: Hello Jerry. Well, I may have a solution to our little problem. Elaine, would you excuse us?
Elaine: Oh c'mon, Newman.
Newman: I have a private matter to discuss with my fellow tenants. (Opens door) If you don't mind?
Elaine: Jerry?
Newman: Look, sister, go get yourself a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it! (Pushes Elaine out the door and closes it) All right, now here's the lowdown. From a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia, and from what I hear the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.
Jerry: Not from the footage I've seen.
Newman: Nevertheless, sometime this afternoon, behind the Market Diner, an unmarked van will be waiting. I'm expecting the call at any time. Are you in?
Kramer: I'm down.
Newman: Jerry?
Estelle: So, Georgie, we have some big news for you.
George: Big news?
Estelle: We're moving to Florida.
George: (ecstatic) What? You're moving to Florida!?! That's wonderful! I'm so happy! (pause) For you! I'm so happy for you! Oh, what do you need this cold weather for?
Frank: Has nothing to do with the weather, it's because of the Seinfelds.
George: What do you mean?
Frank: They don't want us there, so we're going. We're moving right into Del Boca Vista!
George: So you're moving there for spite!
Frank: Absolutely. No one tells Frank Costanza what to do!
George: That's right, who the hell are they? How dare they?!
Estelle: So, Georgie, are you gonna come to visit us?
George: Oh, every chance I get.
Estelle: (warmly) Ohhh.
George: Jerry? Jerry! I'm busting! I'm busting!
Jerry: What's going on?
George: My parents are moving to Florida!
Jerry: Are you kidding?
George: Can you believe it? It's happening! It's finally happening! I'm free!!
Jerry: Where are they moving to?
George: Del Boca Vista!
Jerry: Del Boca Vista, that's where my parents are gonna live!
George: I know!
Jerry: We could visit together!
George: Every five years!
Jerry: That's incredible!
George: I know, I know and you know *why* they're moving there?
Jerry: Why?
George: To spite your parents!
Jerry: To spite my parents?
George: Yeah!
Jerry: Your parents are crazy!
George: I know, they're out of their minds! It's fantastic!
Jerry: My parents are moving back too!
George: Beautiful!
Morty: I'm sorry Leo's moving back here. I'm not ready to go back to Florida.
Helen: He was getting along so well with that woman, what happened?
Morty: Hello?
Voice: This is Frank Costanza.
Morty: What do you want?
Frank: You think you could keep us out of Florida? We're moving in lock, stock and barrel. We're gonna be in the pool. We're gonna be in the clubhouse. We're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court! And I dare you to keep me out!
Morty: I'm sorry, we can't go back to Florida.
George: I can't believe I didn't push for this sooner.
Jerry: You have no idea how your life is gonna improve as a result of this. Food tastes better. The air seems fresher. You'll have more energy and self confidence than you ever dreamed of.
Jerry: Hello.
Morty: Hello, Jerry? It's your father.
Jerry: Oh, hi dad.
Morty: Listen, is it all right if we move in with you for a little while? Sounds of breaking glass, Jerry dropped his bottle.
Morty: What was that?
Jerry: Nothing. A bottle broke. That's all. What do you mean, you're gonna move in here?
Morty: Because the Costanzas are moving into Del Boca Vista.
Jerry: But it's a big complex.
Morty: You don't understand, you gotta have a buffer zone.
Jerry: All right, fine. Come over here. (Hangs up phone)
George: What?
Jerry: They're not going back to Florida. They're moving here.
George: What? Why?
Jerry: Because your parents are going down there. My buffer zone just went from twelve hundred miles down to two feet! You gotta do something.
George: Hey, I'm sorry, you had your buffer zone for many years. It's my turn to live, baby.
Jerry: You know what you're doing, don't you? You're killing Independent Jerry! I gotta go see my Uncle Leo. I think he may have made a big mistake.
Uncle Leo: Move back with Lydia?
Jerry: C'mon, you're lucky to have anybody.
Uncle Leo: Last week you told me I was in my prime, I should be swinging.
Jerry: Swinging? What are you, out of your mind? Look at you, you're disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds are emanating from your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like grim death. Which is not far off, by the way.
Uncle Leo: But she's an anti-Semite.
Jerry: Can you blame her?
Helen: You don't think he minds us staying here, do you?
Morty: Why would he mind? We're his parents.
Elaine: Oh.
Helen: Hi Elaine.
Elaine: Hello. Jerry's not here?
Helen: No.
Elaine: Huh. (pause) Oh my god.
Helen: What?
Elaine: A poppy seed! It must have been in the chicken. Oh, I'm dead. I'm going to the doctor's in a half an hour.
Helen: Why?
Elaine: It's a long story.
Helen: Just a second, I have to go to the bathroom.
Elaine: What are you gonna do in there?
Helen: What am I gonna do in the bathroom?
Elaine: You gotta do me a favor.
Helen: Elaine, I really-
Elaine: Hold on a second. Mrs. Seinfeld, I need your sample.
Helen: You want my urine?
Elaine: I need a clean urine sample from a woman.
Helen: I don't know.
Elaine: Oh please, Mrs. Seinfeld, please?
Helen: Well, what am I gonna do it in?
Elaine: Well, one of those glasses.
Helen: Jerry's glasses?
Elaine: Yeah, he won't mind. C'mon, you're his mom.
Helen: Oh, I could uh- Should I use a coffee cup?
Elaine: Yeah, a coffee cup's fine.
Helen: Or maybe a juice glass.
Elaine: Yes, fine, fine, a juice glass is perfect.
Helen: This one is kind of scratched.
Elaine: It doesn't matter.
Helen: Howbout A milk glass.
Elaine: A milk glass, a juice glass, any glass, just pick a glass.
Helen: Jerry doesn't wash these very well.
Elaine: Mrs. Seinfeld, pick a glass! Pick a glass, Mrs. Seinfeld!
Salesman: All right, I got everything here. I got the Cyclone F series, Hydra Jet Flow, Stockholm Superstream, you name it.
Jerry: What do you recommend?
Salesman: What are you looking for?
Kramer: Power, man. Power.
Newman: Like Silkwood.
Kramer: That's for radiation.
Newman: That's right.
Kramer: (pointing to the largest one) Now, what is this?
Salesman: That's the Commando 450, I don't sell that one. What about thi-
Kramer: Well that's what we want, the Commando 450.
Salesman: Nah, believe me. It's only used in the circus. For elephants.
Newman: We'll pay anything. We've got the (hands a wad of money to Kramer) What about Jerry?
Kramer: He couldn't handle that, he's delicate.
Helen: It's nice being back at Leo's Jerry's place was too small.
Morty: First Leo breaks up, then he goes back. What the hell's going on?
Morty: Who is it?
Super: It's the super. We're installing new low-flow showerheads in all the bathrooms.
Morty: Low flow? I don't like the sound of that.
Peterman: So as a result of your test being free of opium, I am reinstating you.
Elaine: Oh! Yes! What a load off. So when are we going to Africa?
Peterman: I'm afraid I can't take you.
Elaine: What? Why not?
Peterman: Elaine, according to your urine analysis, you're menopausal. you have the metabolism of a sixty-eight year old woman.
Elaine: But I wanted to see the bushmen.
Peterman: Oh, and one more thing. You may have osteoporosis.
Jerry: Well, it's been a great visit.
Morty: Jerry, I'll tell ya. The first thing I'm gonna do when I get back to Florida is take a shower.
Jerry: Well, at least the Costanzas changed their mind and decided not to move. They couldn't bear being away from George.
Helen: George must be happy about that.
Jerry: You have no idea.
Frank: Take my swim trunks. I won't need them.
Estelle: What does he want with your swim trunks?
Frank: Why should they go to waste?!?


[Setting: Night club]
Jerry: Thank you! Goodnight! (Walks off stage, sighing deeply. Instantly, a red-headed woman runs up and hugs him - taking Jerry by surprise)
Sally: Jerry!
Jerry: (Trying to ward her off) Hey. Hey!
Sally: (Reminding him who she is) Sally Weaver! (Sees Jerry's expression - he still has no clue who she is) Susan Ross' roommate from college.. hello! (Laughs slightly)
Jerry: Right.. Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, oh, so you saw the show?
Sally: Saw it? I loved it! And thank you for the free tickets. You are so funny.
Jerry: (Modest) Oh, thanks.
Sally: (Serious) No, no, I mean it. You're very funny.
Jerry: (Blunt) I believe you.
Sally: Oh, anyway, let me show you Memphis. I am taking you (Points to him) out to dinner.
Jerry: (Grabbing his coat) Oh, I'm sorry, I can't - I'm going straight to the airport.
Sally: Ohh.. that's too bad.. Susan thought we'd really get along - I guess because we're both wacko! (Jerry laughs) You know what, um.. (Turns around, picking up a large gift from a table) You have to give this to them for me. Okay? Here. (Hands the box to Jerry, he struggles under the size of it) It's a wedding present.
Jerry: Oh?
Sally: And Jerry? Be careful with it, okay? Be very careful.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
[Setting: The Coffee shop]
Frank: George, as you may be aware, your mother and I are not moving to Del Boca Vista, Florida.
George: (Resenting the fact. Nodding) I am aware.
Frank: So, I was wondering, would it be okay if I turned your room into a billiard parlor?
George: A billiard parlor?
Frank: Regulation table, the hi-fi, maybe even a bar.. Give it real authenticity..
George: Well, that's.. Elaine!
Elaine: Oh, hi, Frank.
George: (Sliding over to make room for her) Sit down. Join us, please.
Elaine: (Trying to come up with an excuse not to sit with them) Actually, I gotta get to the.. uh.. thing.
George: (Somewhat stern) Oh, the thing's cancelled. Sit down.
Elaine: (Giving up) Okay.. (Sits, George laughs) So.. (Trying to think up something to talk about) Frank, did George ever show you that photo?
George: (Confused) What photo?
Elaine: You know, the photo I took in Tuscany of the little man in front of the sign that said "Costanza"?
Frank: (Interested) There's a Costanza in Tuscany? (Elaine nods) Did he look like me? Did you talk to him?
Elaine: I didn't talk to anyone - I was just walking by, and I saw the sign, and I thought George might get a kick out of it.
Frank: I gotta get that picture - it could be my cousin, Carlo.
Elaine: Who is that?
George: (Muttering out, not really wanting to talk about his family) When the Costanzas came here, one brother stayed behind.
Frank: I played with him every day until the age of four - and then we separated.
Elaine: So, you weren't born here?
Frank: No. That's why I can never be president.. It always irked me. That's why, even at an early age, I had no interest in politics. I refuse to vote. (Yelling out) They don't want me, I don't want them!
George: I don't know what you're getting all riled up about. There are probably a million Costanzas-
Frank: (Cutting him off) Don't bring me down. (To Elaine) Do you have another copy of that photo?
Elaine: No, I, I don't. But.. Well, the Maestro might.
Frank: The Maestro? What Maestro?
Elaine: He's this guy that I went to Tuscany with. He's a great guy, but I just wouldn't feel comfortable calling him.
George: Really? Why?
Elaine: (Explaining) Because he hasn't called me since we got back.. I spilled wine on his 8 by 10 photo of one of his favorite Italian opera stars.
George: Who?
Elaine: You know the Three Tenors?
George: Yeah.. (Trying to remember) Poverotti.. Domingo.. and.. uh.. the other guy.
Elaine: (Nodding) The other guy.
[Setting: Airplane]
Stewardess: (Overly nice) Could I take that box for you?
Jerry: Uh.. well, you better not. I'm supposed to be careful with it.
Stewardess: Oh, then, I'll have to put your bag in the over-head.
Jerry: Oh, okay..
Stewardess: There we go.
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: Ohh.. look at this..
Kramer: What?
Jerry: I bought a bottle of BBQ sauce in Memphis. I think the stewardess broke it when she tried to jam it into the overhead compartment because of this
Kramer: Well, don't press the panic button. I'm sure that we can still salvage some sauce..
Jerry: I don't care about the sauce. It came in this funny little bottle, and there was a guy on the label that looked exactly like Charles Grodin.
Kramer: (Taking some of Jerry's clothing over to the kitchen) I see..
Jerry: No, you don't see - because I'm going on the show this week, and this was going to be my bit on the show.
Kramer: Well, why don't you do your material?
Jerry: I'm out.
Kramer: (Looking up, sighs) Well, you better get to work.
Jerry: (Sarcastic) Thanks for the tip.
George: Hey, buddies.
Jerry: Hey. Hey, this is for you. (Taps the gift) It's from.. uh, Susan's roommate, Sally.
George: Oh yeah.. (Starts to open it) Sally called Susan - said you guys really hit it off.
Jerry: (Annoyed at the thought) Nobody hit anything off. She just gave me the box. (Looks over at Kramer. He is scraping the BBQ sauce off Jerry's clothes with a knife, then dipping some bread into it) What the hell are you doing?
Kramer: (Looks up) I'm salvaging the sauce. What's the matter with you? (Eats the bread)
Jerry: (Pleading) Hey, hey, hey. Come on, come on.
Kramer: (Moving out into the living room) Jerry, why don't you do a bit on Styrofoam?
Jerry: Like what?
Kramer: Well, uh.. (Starts to impersonate Jerry's act) "What is this stuff? Why do we need this stuff?.. And why do they make it so small..?"
Jerry: (Confused) Where's the punchline?
Kramer: It's all attitude.. (Makes a humorous face - mocking Jerry's)
Goerge: (Taking out a mat from the huge box) Well, this is certainly a crappy gift..
Jerry: A door mat? That's what she had me lug up from Memphis?!
George: Pretty chintzy, huh? Considering the money she makes.. She's a big executive for Federal Express.
Jerry: Federal Express?! Is she out of her mind? Why didn't she just ship it?!
Kramer: Look, it's personalized. (Holds it up, reading) "The Costanzas"
George: No, no. Forget it. I don't want it. Let's just get rid of it.
Kramer: Well, maybe your father would be interested in that.
George: I doubt it. You know what he's doing now? He's putting a pool table in my old bedroom.
Kramer: (Interested) Oh yeah? Well, maybe I'll go out there and knock a few balls around with him. You know, show him a thing or two..
[Setting: George's old bedroom]
Kramer: So, what's your game? What do you like to play?
Frank: Eight ball.
Kramer: No, nothing doing. Let's, you and me, play a game of straight pool.. hmm?
Frank: You like to gamble, Cosmo?
Kramer: Yeah, now and then - you know how it is..
Frank: Five dollars a game, huh?
Kramer: I'll break.
Frank: Okay.
[Setting: George and Susan's apartment]
George: What's all this?
Susan: Oh, I'm just moving in some more of my stuff.
George: (Muttering to himself as he walks to the bedroom) More stuff..
Susan: (Calling out) Oh, I put up my doll collection..
George: Oh my God! What is that?!
Susan: (Rushing in) What? What is it?
George: (Staring at the doll) This doll (Pointing) looks like my mother.
Susan: George, it's a doll.
George: I know it's a doll, but it looks like my mother!
Susan: (Going back to the living room) Oh, get outta here..
[Setting: George's old bedroom]
Estelle: What's going on in here? (Kramer hits the cue ball, it jumps up from the table and flies off screen) Are you two still playing?! You've been up here three hours!
Frank: We still haven't finished the first game.
Estelle: The first game?!
Kramer: (Explaining why they are doing so bad) Well, we're still, uh, learning the subtleties of the table.
Frank: (To Estelle) he knows the Maestro. He could have the picture..
Estelle: Oh, forget about it. It's not your cousin.
Frank: (Yelling out) You don't know that! (Estelle leaves, slamming the door) We're gonna go see him, huh?
Kramer: (Judging up his next move) As soon as the game is over..
Frank: (Sensing the game is going to last a long time) Oh boy.
Kramer: Eleven, corner pocket. (Pulls back on his stick, accidentally crashing it into the window)
[Setting: George and Susan's bedroom]
George: What is this thing doing here?
Susan: Oh, I used to love to sleep with my dolls when I was a little girl..
George: Uh, I'm sorry, I can't do this..
Susan: Why?
George: I feel like I'm in bed with my mother.
Susan: Oh, stop it.
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: Hey, Elaine, you have got to buy this new electric toothbrush I just got - the Ori-dent.
Elaine: (Just making conversation) Oh yeah?
Jerry: Oh, it's unbelievable. Every time you use it you feel like you just came from the dentist!
Elaine: (Mock enthusiasm) Oh, that's dynamite.
Jerry: Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? You want to come see me on the Charles Grodin show?
Elaine: Who else is on the show?
Jerry: Uh.. one of the three tenors.
Elaine: (Interested) The Three Tenors? (Stands up) Which one?!
Jerry: Uh.. It's not Poverotti.. It's not Domingo..
Elaine: (Extremely excited) The other guy?!
Jerry: (Nodding) Yeah, the other guy.
Elaine: (Screams out in joy) My God! I can't believe the other guy's going to be on the show!
Jerry: Why?
Elaine: Because I ruined this autographed picture of him that belonged to the Maestro. You think I can go and get his autograph?
Jerry: Why not?
Elaine: (Extremely giddy) Wow! The other guy!
Jerry: Hey, you look awful.
George: (Sitting on the sofa) I'm on no sleep, bro.
Jerry: Problem in the bedroom?
George: (Muttering) Susan has the doll collection.. one of the dolls looks exactly like my mother.. she likes to sleep with it.
Jerry: Wow. You were in bed with your mother last night?
George: (Long pause) ..Felt like it. I tell you, this doll is pretty spooky. (Takes off his glasses, rubbing his eye) It's freakin' me out man. And now I got to go back out there and pick up this doormat.
Jerry: I thought you didn't want the doormat.
George: I don't. Susan wants to have it out when Sally comes tomorrow.
Jerry: Sally? (Getting upset) Wait, wait a minute - She's coming to New York?
George: Yeah, (Smiling) Susan said you'd be excited.
Jerry: Excited? I'm gonna kill her! She knew she was coming here and she made me carry that box?!
Elaine: Who's Sally?
George: Susan's college roommate.
Jerry: It's because of her that bottle got broke that I was going to give to Charles Grodin on his show.
George: So call her up and tell her to bring you another one. She'll be delighted to talk to you.
Jerry: (While opening a cereal box) I will - don't worry. (Plotting revenge) In fact, I'll have her bring up a whole case of the stuff. It'll be really heavy. Let's see if she likes sitting on a plane with a big box on her lap!
Elaine: That's sounds pretty juvenile.
Jerry: (Pulling out the toy from the cereal box - he displays even more immaturity by holding it up, smiling) Hey! A dinosaur!
[Setting: The Maestro's Office]
Frank: His name was Carlo Costanza. We played together everyday until I was four. If I could just look through your photographs, maybe I could recognize him.
Maestro: Unfortunately those photographs are at home.
Kramer: Well, listen, if you bring 'em by, maybe we could interest you in a game of pool.. Yeah, Frank here - he's got his own billiard room.
Frank: (Trying to concentrate) Yes, It's, uh, it's.. uh, uh.. What do you call it, Kramer?
Kramer: A billiard room.
Frank: No, not billiard.. (Scolding) Not billiards.. it was.. Come on, already. Come on..
Kramer: (Confused) What?
Frank: We call it.. the, uh..
Kramer: (Snaps) The Place To Be!
Frank: The place to be! Yes! It's the place to be.
Maestro: (Agreeing to a game) Ah, then I shall be there. And now, Gentlemen, (Making dramatic actions) if you will excuse me - I must prepare for the symphony.
Kramer: Oh, yeah?
Maestro: (Noticing the expressions) Ohh, my pants. (Begins putting on a near-by pair of pants) It's an old conductor's trick I learned from Leonard Bernstein.
Kramer: Really?
Maestro: You keep a perfect crease by not sitting in them before the performance.
Kramer: That's good thinking.
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
George: You see?.. You see?!
Jerry: Well, it doesn't look exactly like her.
George: Jerry, come on. If my mother keeps shrinking, this is exactly what she's gonna look like in ten years!
Jerry: Why don't you just get rid of it?
George: I tried! I almost threw it down the incinerator, but I couldn't do it. The guilt was too overwhelming. (Grabs the doll, opening the door to leave) Susan's so attached to this thing.
Jerry: Wait, where are you going? Don't take your dolly and go home.
George: Hi, Elaine.
Elaine: Did you see that?!
Jerry: I'm just glad it's outta here. (Elaine exhales deeply - getting over the scare of the doll. She moves into the apartment) What's that? (Pointing to a rolled up poster Elaine is carrying)
Elaine: Oh, it's a poster of the three tenors.
Jerry: Oh. (Intercom buzzes, Jerry answers it) Yeah?
Sally: (Through the intercom) It's Sally.
Jerry: Oh, did you bring the bar-b-que sauce?
Sally: A whole case.
Jerry: (Letting her up) Excellent. (To Elaine) So, did you buy that electric toothbrush I was telling you about?
Elaine: (Blunt, to the point) No.
Jerry: How come? I told you - It's fantastic.
Elaine: Eh, I like mine.
Jerry: I've had yours, I'm telling you - this one is ten times better. Don't you believe me?
Elaine: I don't want it.
Jerry: (Slightly confused by her behavior) I don't understand this. Why wouldn't you want to get something that's better if I'm telling you it's better? And it's not a little better - it's much better.
Elaine: (Not committing to the conversation) It doesn't matter to me.
Jerry: Come in.
Sally: (Peppy) Well, here I am!
Jerry: Oh, hi. Elaine, this is Sally.
Elaine: Hi.
Jerry: How was your flight? (Wishful thinking) Pretty uncomfortable?
Sally: (Setting the box down on his table) Actually, the seat next to me was empty, so, there was no problem at all.
Jerry: (Let down) Oh.. (Starts to open the box) Oh, wait.. (Holding up one of the BBQ jars) This isn't the sauce that I asked for!
Sally: That's right. It's a special gourmet sauce. "The Pride of Memphis!"
Jerry: (Complaining) No, no. I wanted the one in the little bottle with that guy on it that looks like Charles Grodin!
Sally: This is much better. And frankly, in Memphis, we think that other sauce as (Whispering) kind of a joke.
Jerry: I know it's a joke. It's supposed to be a joke! Now I'm going on the Charles Grodin Show with nothing. (Sets the jar down angrily) Nothing!
Sally: You could just do your material.
Jerry: (Peeved) I don't have any material!
Elaine: (Yelling out) He's got nothin'!
[Setting: The Coffee Shop]
Doll: Georgie! Don't eat with your hands! (George starts eating faster) Why do you eat so fast?! You can't even taste it!
George: (Losing it) Don't tell me how to eat!
Doll: You're wearing that shirt? You've had it for five years already! Why don't you get a new shirt?!
George: (Trying to keep it down) Because I like this one! (Notices people staring at him, he quickly gets up, collecting the his coat and the tiny replica) C'mon, let's go. Let's go! (On his way out, he stops in front of a woman blocking his path) Oh, hi.. (Embarrassed about the doll, he sheepishly walks out)
Woman: (To Ruthie, the cashier) That man should really be in a sanitarium. (Ruthie nods, agreeing)
[Setting: George's old bedroom]
Kramer: Now this is remarkable. I'm lounging, and yet, my pants remain perfectly creased.
Frank: It's him! (Standing up) It's Carlo Costanza!
Kramer: Come on. Are you sure?
Frank: I'd know him anywhere.
Maestro: I've seen that man in Tuscany. Eccentric fellow. Reputation of being kind of a village idiot.
Frank: I still say we're related.
Maestro: (Recognizing the currently playing song) Ohh, I love this piece. (Turns it up, then pantomimes that he is conducting the instruments)
Kramer: Alright, come on Frank. It's your shot.
Frank: (Complaining) I can't make anything..
Kramer: (Like a professional) Well, that's because you don't know how to follow through correctly.
Frank: Follow through? What do you mean?
Kramer: Right here, come on, I'll show you.. (Gets behind Frank, holding the pool stick with him) Take hold of your stick.. alright, bring it back slowly..
Frank: It's a little unnatural, but I think I'm getting the hang of it.
Estelle: Oh, my God!
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: (Still ticked off) That woman is such an idiot! I was gonna do this whole bit on that bottle - and now I got nothing to talk about.
Elaine: Well, have you ever considered writing new material?
Jerry: Well, maybe if I didn't have so many people in my apartment all the time I'd be able to get some work done.
Elaine: (Getting the hint) Me? Are you talking about me?
Jerry: (Deeply sarcastic) No. You're never here.
Elaine: (Reflecting) Boy, that doll was really freaky, wasn't it?
Jerry: Yeah. Really. (Forming and idea) Hey, you know what? Maybe I could talk about that on the show.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: Show the doll - show the picture of George's mother.. it's pretty funny. (Moving toward the phone) I'm gonna call them.
Sally: Hello?
Jerry: Hello, Susan? It's Jerry.
Sally: Hi Jerry, it's Sally!
Jerry: (Disappointed) Oh. Is George there?
Sally: No, but he should be home soon.
Jerry: Uh, listen, this is important. Tell him to meet me at the TV studio with a picture of his mother and that doll that looks like her.
Sally: Is this for your comedy routine?
Jerry: (Obviously resents talking to her) Yes.
Sally: (Gasps) Don't worry. (Like a detective) I'm on the case.
[Setting: George's old bedroom]
Maestro: (Sighs slightly) I, uh, think I'll get some air. (Slowly leaves)
Kramer: Yeah.. (Sizes up his next shot. His stick jams into the window as he draws back) See? This is no good.. (Looks around the room. His sights fall on the Maestro's baton) Hey, the baton. (Chalks it up) I got a hunch, fat man, I can't miss. (Measures up his shot) 13 in the side pocket. (Does just that) Giddy-up. (Moves around to the other side of the board, judging his next move) Six in the corner. (Hits it in) This table's mine. (A series of Kramer's plays are displayed, and, on the last ball of the game..) You know where it's going..
[Setting: The Charles Grodin Show dressing room]
Elaine And Jerry: Hey!
Elaine: Is George here?
Jerry: Not yet. (Points over to a man sitting in one of the room's chairs. Whispers) The other guy.
Elaine: It's.. .. you! It's really you! Oh, I'm such a huge fan of yours. Would you mind signing this poster for me?
Carreras: My pleasure. (Reaches for a pen as Elaine unravels her poster)
Elaine: (As he is signing) Oh, thank you so much. (He finishes. Elaine gives out a happy gasp) Thank you so much, Mr.. (Tries to read his signature) Camaro. (Carreras gives her a look as he is getting up) Mr. Casea? (He walks off as Elaine rolls the picture back up. Jerry gives his "That's a shame" face) Well, whatever. (To Jerry) I'm gonna take this to the Maestro. He's, he's playing at the Queens Convalescent Center.
Jerry: (Joking around) Well, that's one hell of a gig. (Turning around, he picks up a box labeled "Ori-dent") Hey, look, I got something for you. The Ori-dent!
Elaine: (Mock joy) Ohh.. thank you. (Accepts the gift) Huh.. (Struggles under the size) Wha- why does a toothbrush come in such a big box?
Jerry: Well, it's a delicate mechanism - It, you know, needs lots of packaging.
Elaine: (Still trying to get a grasp on the package) How am I supposed to carry this thing? (She looks up to see Jerry taking his pants off) What are you doing?
Jerry: Well, I want to sit down.
Elaine: So?
Jerry: It's a trick I just learned from Kramer. It keeps a crease in the pants. (Folds his pants over the head of a chair, then sits down in another. When he sees Elaine's staring at him, he makes a "Tada!" gesture with his hands. Elaine holds her hand up - as if to say "I'll see ya.", and while she's slowly walking out Jerry gives her a salute)
[Setting: George's old bedroom]
Maestro: (Making his exit, he lays the charm on Mrs. Costanza) Madame, you have been an extremely gracious hostess. (Kisses her hand)
Estelle: (Coy) Ohh.. thank you, Maestro. (Giggles to herself as the Maestro leaves)
Frank: (Holding up a picture) Here, take a look at this.
Estelle: (Looking at it) Yeah, what is it?
Frank: It's Carlo. I found him!
Estelle: (Handing the picture back) You've been cooped up in this room too long.
Frank: (Yelling out) You never support me! Let's see what George says about this.. Where're my pants? (Takes his pair off a rack and leaves)
Kramer: (Taking his pair off, he inspects them) Aw, beautiful!
[Setting: The Charles Grodin Show dressing room]
Sally: Hey there, Mr. Hairy legs!
Jerry: (Surprised to see her, he gets up) Where's George?
Sally: Don't worry, I brought your doll.. (Pulls out an extremely different doll - this one resembles a baker) Tada!
Jerry: (Complaining) No! That's the wrong doll!
Sally: Jerry, I saw the doll you were talking about - not funny! This doll's much funnier. Look, it has a little bowtie, and a cute little hat.. I think it's a riot!
Jerry: (Slow whispering) This is a nightmare.
Sally: Oh well, I'll be watching. (Sets the doll down, then crosses her fingers) Don't screw up. (Leaves)
Jerry: My pants!
Stagehand: Mr. Seinfeld, you're on.
[Setting: NYC street]
Maestro: Elaine? What a surprise.
Elaine: I know you're very busy, but I just wanted to come by and give you this.
Maestro: Ohh.. (Looking at the box) Ori-dent - that electric toothbrush I've heard so much about..
Elaine: No, no, no. Not the toothbrush.. (Holds out the poster) this.
Maestro: Ohh, what a sweet gesture. And autographed poster of my favorite tenor, with.. those two other guys. Oh, Elaine, this is magnifico!
Elaine: Oh, well, I just felt so bad about what happened in Tuscany..
Stagehand: (Yelling from off-camera) Maestro, you're on!
Maestro: Oh, Elaine.. wait for me after the concert? We'll celebrate.
Elaine: Oh, ok! (Picking up the Ori-dent box, she knocks over a bottle of wine. It spills all over the poster)
[Setting: George and Susan's apartment]
Susan: I want to know why you took my doll out of the house.
George: I just wanted a second opinion.
Frank: (Holding up the picture) Take a look at this. Doesn't that look like my flesh and blood? Of course, your mother- (His attention is drawn over to Susan's doll. Like George did earlier, he starts to imagine that the doll is scolding him as his wife would)
Doll: Oh, stop bothering everybody with that picture. It's ridiculous!
Frank: (Walking toward the doll) Ridiculous?! I'll show you ridiculous! (Struggles with Susan for possession of the doll) Come here!
Susan: (Pleading) No, Mr. Costanza! No, no!
Frank: (Holding out the head in his hand, he addresses it) There! Now what have you got to say for yourself?!
George: (To Susan) I told you it looked like her..
[Setting: A street in Tuscany]
Frank: (Sets a gift he's brought down) Carlo! It's me, Frank! (Attempts to hug the guy, but he resists - pushing Frank away. He scolds Frank in another language) I'm your cousin, Frank! Aren't you Carlo?
Man: Carlo? No. Mi nome e Giuseppe.
Frank: (Realizing) What do you know.. Alright. (Picking up his present) I guess I was wrong. (Walks off)