[Setting: Comedy Club]
Opening Monolog: The bus is the single stupidest, fattest, slowest, most despised vehicle on the road. Isn't it? You ever notice when you get behind the bus, people in your car go 'what are you doing? get away, come on.' The back of the bus is like an eclipse isn't it? people are just like 'the sun, where's the sun?' It's like this huge metal ass taking up the whole wind shield of your car. When it pulls out it even sounds like a fat uncle trying to get out of a sofa. (acts like he is trying to get out of a car and makes the sound of a bus/guy starting to get going)
[Setting: Jerry and George on a Bus]
George: It's just not good, it's not good.
Jerry: It's not good.
George: I'm bored. She's boring, I'm boring, we're both boring. We got out to eat, we both read newspapers.
Jerry: Well at breakfast everybody reads.
George: No. Lunch we read, dinner we read.
Jerry: You read during lunch?
George: Ya
Jerry: Oh, well.
George: There's nothing to talk about.
Jerry: Ya, what's there to talk about.
George: Well at least you and I are talking about how there's nothing to talk about.
Jerry: Why don't you talk to her about how there's nothing to talk about?
George: She knows there is nothing to talk about.
Jerry: At least you'll be talking.
George: Oh shut up.
Al: Hey, look who's here.
Jerry: Hey, Al.
George: Hey, Al. How's it going?
Al: (extremely happy) Deeply in love. We have soo many things to talk about. Sometimes we'll talk all night, till the sun comes up (pauses in his happiness; to George) so how about you?
George: Oh I'm seeing someone, yes. You know her, Daphne Bower.
Al: Great girl.
George: We have no need to speak. We communicate with deep soulful looks.
Jerry: Like Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower.
Al: (to Jerry) Oh did you hear about Fulton?
Jerry: Ya.
Al: I went by the hospital to see him a few days ago (looking at Jerry) think he'd really like you to come visit.
Jerry: Me?
Al: Ya, he said he could use a good laugh.
George: What about me?
Al: (to George) He didn't mention you. (Looks toward the front of the bus) This is my stop. Uh see ya.
George: Ya
Jerry: Ya, see ya.
George: Deeply in love. If you can't say anything bad about a relationship, you shouldn't say anything at all.
Jerry: (points to George) Ya.
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
George: I didn't even know Fulton was in the hospital.
Jerry: Could use a good laugh. You know what kind of pressure that is? Come on, come with me.
George: Na no, I'm not good in these situations. I can't hide my pity. I..I make em feel worse.
Jerry: Oh, stop it.
George: Ya and also I'm afraid that people in that state are finally going to tell me what they really think of me. You know they got nothing to lose what do they care?
Jerry: So you're not gonna come?
George: No but say hello for me.
Kramer: Hey!
Jerry: Hey! Hey Mick.
Mickey: Hey Jerry.
Kramer: What's doing?
Jerry: Nothing, what's doing with you?
Kramer: Same old, same old.
Jerry: George this is Mickey.
George: Hi, nice to meet you.
Mickey: Pleasure.
Jerry: How's work going you guys?
Mickey: Lets not even talk about it.
George: (to Kramer) You got a job?
Kramer: Ya, Mickey. He hooked me up. We're stand-ins for the actors on 'All My Children.' Mickey, he's a stand-in for an eight year old kid and I stand in for the kids father.
Mickey: (to Jerry then both Jerry and George) But I got a big problem. The kid I stand in for, he's growing. He was four feet last month, now he's like four-two and a half. He shot up two and a half inches. I can do four-two, four-three is a stretch, any higher than that and I'm gonna be out on my ass doing that para-legal crap.
Jerry: How do you stop a kid from growing?
Kramer: (to Mickey) I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes.
Mickey: I offered him cigarettes, (to Jerry and George) but his stupid mother is hanging around. She won't let him have any.
Kramer: (to Mickey) What about lifts?
Mickey: (to Kramer) Out of the question.
George: (to Mickey) Can't you just switch with another Midget?
Mickey: (turns and moves up to George, points his finger at him) It's little people, you got that?
Kramer: Easy Mickey, easy.
George: Yap..
Kramer: Alright we gotta get back to the show. What are you guys doing?
Jerry: I'm going to the hospital, to visit Fulton.
Kramer: (on his way to the door) Oh, oh well say hello for me.
Kramer: Now look, we're going to stop at the shoe maker right now. You gotta get some lifts for your shoes.
Mickey: Lifts?! Look Kramer you don't understand, this kind of thing is just not done.
Kramer: You wanna keep your job don't you?
Mickey: Ya but..
Kramer: YAH! No Buts
Mickey: Kramer
Kramer: (with his hand in Mickey's face) YAAAAAH!
Jerry: Hey, woahoh Fulton. It's me.
Fulton: Hey Jerry, good to see ya. I could really use a good laugh.
Jerry: Who couldn't.
Fulton: I haven't cracked a smile in months.
Jerry: Oh don't worry, you'll crack. Cracking's inevitable, first you crack then you chuckle. That was the motto with the Russians at the Caesar Leningrad... first you crack then you chuckle. (Fulton looks at him not amused) You know because Leningrad when the Nazis attacked, it wasn't a very happy time... because of the war, famine, plus it was cold, very cold... they were eating each other. (Nervous under the pressure; Fulton not finding anything Jerry is saying funny) Maybe this isn't a good time for a visit.
Fulton: It's a fine time.
Jerry: Oh, alright ah well... There's a priest, a minister and a rabbi, and they're all staring at him...
George: (sets down his paper) So how were the eggs?
Daphne: Eggs are eggs.
George: (Not amused with her answer) Eggs are eggs. That is very profound. (laughs; Daphne goes back to reading her paper) By the same token you could say fish is fish. Ha ha ha, I don't think so. (pauses) Listen Dophne
Daphne: (correcting George) Daphne.
George: Daphne. I have to tell you something, this is very difficult...
Daphne: (interrupts and hurriedly puts down her paper) Oh, I forgot to tell you. Al Netchie called me today.
George: Ya, ya. I bumped into him on the bus. What did he have to say?
Daphne: He told me not to get involved with you.
George: What?
Daphne: Ya, he said you could never make a commitment to any one and you'd just wind up (reaches out and lightly slaps George's hand) hurting me.
George: He said that? (Daphne shacks her head) What a nerve. How dare he say something like that.
Daphne: Is it true?
George: Of course not. I mean sure, there may have been one or two occasions in the past, when I may have reacted in uh impulsive or somewhat immature manner, but those days are well behind me.
[Setting: ABC Studios]
Son: How long are you going to be away for Daddy?
Father: I'm not really going away, I told you, I'll be back every other weekend.
Son: Don't go Daddy, don't go.
Father: Now Porter, you know your mother and I love you very much, but sometimes people fall out of love. Now give me a big hug.
Director: (walks into the scene) ...and there's your scene. Stand-ins
Kramer: Yo
Stage Hand (Larry David'S Voice): Alright you guys get on their spots so we can fix the lights.
Kramer: (taps the Father on the shoulder) That's good work.
Mickey: (quickly with no acting) How long you going to be away for Daddy?
Kramer: (trying to act like the guy playing the Father) I'm not really going away, I told you I'd be back every other weekend.
Mickey: (tugs on Kramer's coat) Don't go Daddy, don't...go.
Kramer: Now listen Porter, you know your mother and I love you very much. But sometimes people fall out of love. Now give me a big hug.
Mickey: Ah! (pauses for the hug) Alright (Kramer still holding on) Alright! Kramer! (pushes Kramer off him)
Director: Ok everybody that's lunch... one hour.
Kramer: How do those lifts feel?
Mickey: Quiet.
Tammy: Hi guys.
Mickey: Hey Tammy.
Tammy: Hey, you look different. Have you been working out?
Mickey: (looks at Kramer) Not that I know of.
Tammy: Well whatever it is you're doing, keep doing it you look great.
Mickey: How about lunch?
Tammy: OH I can't today, but um I see it our future. (starts to leave) See ya Kramer.
Kramer: Ya.
Tammy: Bye Mickey
Kramer: Ooo she likes you buddy (they to a high five hand shake)
Kramer & Mickey: Ya!
Mickey: All of a sudden.
Kramer: What?
Johnny: Hey Mick.
Mickey: How you doin' Johnny?
Johnny: What gives...what's going on? Goin' out with Tammy?
Mickey: Maybe. What's it to you?
Johnny: Somethin different about you.
Mickey: I got my hair cut that's all (turns to look at Kramer)
Johnny: Nah, that's not it. Something else... Ya you look different.
Mickey: You don't, you got the same ugly mug since the day I met ya.
Johnny: I don't know what it is, but I'll find out. (walking away) I'll find out.
Jerry: ..so uh she's just sitting there and a uh Packyderm, you remember the derm. He says uh, I'm gonna go up to her. So we uh he uh picks up the two pieces of (wipes his brow) pizza and uh the uh and then they're steaming hot and they're burning his hands see so he... he's juggling em (does juggling motions) he's jugglin em, jus throwing them up in the air and just as he gets up to her down they go. (Swallows and takes a breath) Well we all just lost it. (Fulton not laughing, stone faced) It was really really funny.
Phil: Hey Jerry.
Jerry: Hey Phil how you doing?
Phil: You look terrific.
Jerry: I got my health.
Phil: Well, that's the most important thing. (to Fulton) Hey how ya doing Fulton! Octane, Butane, Nitrane! (Fulton looks at him still stone faced and not amused. To Jerry) How's he doing?
Jerry: (wiping his brow) He could use a couple laughs.
[Setting: Jerry's Apartment]
Elaine: You should have told that story about Packyderm dropping the pizza.
Jerry: I told it. (Answers the buzzer) Ya?
George: (on the speaker) Ya
Jerry: Ya. (hits the button, opens the door. To Elaine) Hey you know what as I was leaving I bumped into Phil Titola. He is one of the greatest guys.
Elaine: Do I know him?
Jerry: No, but I'll tell you something. Of all the guys I know, I could envision you going out with him.
Elaine: If you were a woman would you go out with him?
Jerry: If I was a woman I'd be down at the dock waiting for the fleet to come in.
Elaine: (laughs) Ya, I bet you would. Alright, give him my number.
Jerry: Alright.
George: This you are not going to believe. Al Netchie, that pimple. Tells Daphne, not get this 'Not to get involved with me.'
Jerry: What?
George: Ya. That's what she told me.
Elaine: Why?
George: Because he's afraid she's gonna get hurt.
Elaine: Is she?
George: Of course.
Elaine: So?
George: Wa.. He doesn't have to tell her.
Elaine: Maybe he likes her.
George: Oh no no no. He's deeply in love, and I was just about to break up with her when she told me.
Jerry: So what are you gonna do?
George: Well I can't break up with her now.
Jerry: Why?
George: Because he said I was going to.
Elaine: So now you're going to keep going out with her, for spite?
George: Yes, I am.
Jerry: Ya, I could see that.
George: I don't see any way around it.
Jerry: No, me either.
George: What choice do I have?
Jerry: None.
[Setting: ABC Studio Locker Room]
[Setting: Jerry's Apartment]
Jerry: Fulton's wife told me it's all my fault. She said since my visit he's taken a turn for the worse.
Kramer: Did you tell him the Packyderm story?
Jerry: (yelling) Yes I told him the Packyderm story!
Kramer: Maybe I outta go over there.
Jerry: Towards what end?
Kramer: I'm very good with sick people. They love me. When my friend Len Nicodemo had the gout, I moved into his hospital room for three days, the doctors were amazed at his recovery.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey Mick.
Mickey: (to Kramer) Johnny Vigiano went through my locker.
Kramer: YAOH!
Mickey: (slamming the door) That little Bastard! He saw the lifts in my shoes. He knows I'm heightening. (to Kramer) This never would have happened if you hadn't pushed me to get those things. I told you.
Kramer: Hey, nobody put a gun to your head.
Mickey: Ya well just keep out of my business you big ape. (pushes Kramer)
Kramer: Who you calling big ape? (pushes Mickey back)
Mickey: You (grabs Kramer)
Jerry: (starts pulling them apart) Alright break it up, break it up. Come on, just cut it out now (Kramer yells)
Kramer: (pacing back and forth) Ya.
Mickey: I'm sorry Kramer.
Kramer: No no it's alright, it's alright. You're stressed Oout!
Jerry: (to Mickey) Why does this guy Johnny have it in for you?
Mickey: Oh, he's always been jealous of me. I always get to stand in for the bigger stars; The Cosby Kids, Ricky Schroder, Macaulay Culkin.
Kramer: (whistles) What's he like huh?
Mickey: He's a good kid.
Kramer: Ya?
Jerry: So what does he care if you put lifts in?
Mickey: You don't understand. There's an unwritten code about this kind of thing. I could be ostracized. I remember when I was a kid, some guy tried to heighten. He lost his job, lost his friends, Everything. Oh, I knew I was crazy to try this kind of thing, but I was so desperate. (pauses laying on the couch; jumps up) What is this kid taking anyway? Hormones? Steroids? Would you tell me!?
[Setting: George's car outside Daphne's place]
Daphne: George, tomorrow's Sunday. We could sleep late, and get the paper and half breakfast and spend the morning together, go for a long walk, maybe do a little shopping, have lunch...
George: (interrupts her) You know what. I don't think I'm going to be able to stay over tonight.
Daphne: Why not?
George: I, I really should go home. Ya.. actually I'm planning on spending the day with my father tomorrow (short laugh) we're uh we're going to a father-son picnic, just the two of us.
Daphne: I thought we were going to spend the day together.
George: Well Dad's been planning this for such a long time, he bought a new blanket, and he got tha...that game with foam paddles and the velcro ball. (laughs)
Daphne: Have you given any more thought to what we talked about? You know, moving in?
George: Yes, oh yes very much.
Daphne: Maybe you don't want to move in.
George: No, no I do. You know it's just...
Daphne: (interrupting him) Maybe Al Netchie was right, maybe I shouldn't have gotten involved with you.
George: (angry that she believes Al was right) No he's not right. Al Netchie is not right! Alright I'm canceling the father-son picnic. I don't know what he's gonna do with all that potato salad.
[Setting: Elaine and Phil in Phil's car outside Elaine's Apartment]
Elaine: (Phil cracking up) So then Packyderm picks up the pieces of pizza, and mind you know they are burning hot.. he can bearly hold 'em. I mean he's like trying to juggle (does a juggling motion and begins laughing) the pizza, you know ah. And then they go flying out of...
Phil: (dying of laughter) I'm peeing in my pants.
Elaine: (cont.) they go flying out of his hands, and one lands on her face and the other lands on his face. (pause as they both continue to laugh really hard) and the whole place went crazy.
Phil: Oh, I'm sorry, Oh. What a story.
Elaine: I know, I know, I was unbelievable
Phil: Oh that is one of the funniest stories I've ever heard.
Elaine: (wipes her eyes because she laughed so hard she cried) I know.
Phil: Well this has been one hell of a night.
Elaine: Oh, I'm sorry Jerry didn't suggest this sooner.
Phil: You know, you really are beautiful Elaine.
Elaine: Oh, well, (pauses) Good night.
Phil: Good night?
Elaine: Well (leans in to kiss Phil, then looks down at his pants with a awkward look on her face)
[Setting: Jerry's Apartment]
Jerry: (on phone) Come on Adrian give me another chance, I know I could cheer Fulton up. I'll tell you what, I'll do my act (pauses for response from Adrian) No new material (Elaine enters) He's never heard it. He'll love it, I just did it at the Concord last week, it killed. (waves hello to Elaine; pauses for response from Adrian) Thank you, thanks fo.. you will not regret this. Ok, Bye. (hangs up phone; to Elaine) Hey.
Elaine: Hello.
Jerry: So?
Elaine: What?
Jerry: Come on. How was your date?
Elaine: Oh, the date. The date.
Jerry: Ya how was it?
Elaine: Interesting.
Jerry: Really.
Elaine: Oh ya.
Jerry: Why what happened?
Elaine: Let's see, (thinking) how shall I put this.
Jerry: Just put it.
Elaine: He took it out.
Jerry: (confused) He what?
Elaine: He took (blows on her glasses twice to clean them) it out.
Jerry: He took what out?
Elaine: It.
Jerry: He took It, Out?
Elaine: Yessiree Bob.
Jerry: He couldn't.
Elaine: He did.
Jerry: (motions of making out) Well you were involved in some sort of amorous...
Elaine: Noooo.
Jerry: You mean he just
Elaine: Yes.
Jerry: Are you sure?
Elaine: Oh quite.
Jerry: There was no mistaking it?
Elaine: (looks straight into his eyes) Jerry.
Jerry: So you were talking, (Elaine makes an agreement sound "mmm") you're having pleasant conversation, (Elaine makes an agreement sound "mmm") then all of sudden...
Elaine: Yea.
Jerry: It.
Elaine: It.
Jerry: Out.
Elaine: Out.
Jerry: Well I, I can't believe this. I know Phil, he, he's a good friend of mine. We play softball together. How could this be?
Elaine: Oh it be. (sarcastically) You got any other friends you want to set me up with?
Kramer: Hey. (to Elaine) Hey how was your date with Phil Titola?
Elaine: (to Kramer) He took it out.
Kramer: Maybe uh, it needed some air. You know sometimes they need air, they can't breathe in there. It's in human.
[Setting: Monk's]
George: So she's just sitting there, she's having a pleasant conversation... and all of a sudden.
Jerry: It.
George: It.
Jerry: Out.
George: Out. (Jerry shakes his head in agreement) Wow. I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off. (Jerry nods; George looks at his watch) Alright, Hey come on, get out of here, Dophne gonna be here any minute.
Jerry: Alright I'm going.
George: You know what I've come to realize? I'm not just bored. I genuinely dislike her.
Jerry: Well how long you are going to keep this up?
George: Hey I'll get married if I have to. Al Netchie will think twice before he opens his mouth about me again.
Jerry: You know George they are doing wonderful things at mental institutions these days. I'd be happy to set-up a meet and greet.
George: I'm very disappointed to here you talk like that. You still don't know what makes me tick.
Jerry: Yes I do.
George: What are you doing?
Jerry: I'm going to the hospital to see Fulton. I'm not even saying hello, I'm going right into material.
[Setting: Fulton's Hospital Room]
Phil: Ah hey Jer.
Jerry: Oh hey Phil.
Phil: You know I'm sorry things didn't work out with Elaine. I don't know what I did wrong.
Jerry: Well, y..you showed her who you are.
Phil: Oh, look at this, what she's got to breast feed in public.
Jerry: Ya, that's the.. last thing you want to see. Well, next to last.
Phil: I'll see ya.
Jerry: Ya take it easy.
Jerry: (acting like he was walking on stage) Hey how ya doing? Good to be here.
[Setting: ABC Studios set]
Kramer & Mickey: Rock, paper, scissors match.
Mickey: Alright, rock beats paper.
Kramer: I thought paper covered rock?
Mickey: Nah, rock flies right through paper.
Kramer: What beats rock?
Mickey: (looks at his hand) Nothing beats rock.
Kramer: Alright come on.
Kramer & Mickey: Rock, paper, scissors match.
Kramer: Rock.
Mickey: Rock
Kramer & Mickey: Rock, paper, scissors match.
Kramer: Rock.
Mickey: Rock.
Mickey: Hey Bob. What's with you? You gotta problem? (to Kramer) You see that look he gave me? (starts to get up to go after him)
Kramer: (stops Mickey) Alright, come on.
Kramer & Mickey: Rock, paper, scissors match.
Kramer: Rock.
Mickey: Rock.
Mickey: Hey Tammy.
Tammy: Hello.
Mickey: So Tammy, finally, today's our big lunch.
Tammy: I don't think so.
Mickey: Why not? What the hell are you talking about?
Tammy: Look Mickey, everybody knows that you're heightening. It's all over the set.
Mickey: Wait, wait (goes to grab her arm)
Tammy: (recoils) Don't touch me. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. All the progress we made over the years and you go and blow it by pulling a stupid stunt like this.
Mickey: Wait a second, wait a second, you got me all wrong. It was all because of the kid. (numerous little people begin to crowd around them) (to Tammy) The kid was growing. He shot up two and a half inches in a month. (to all the little people) I woulda lost my job. Any one of you would have done the same. You got no right! I'm Mickey Abbott! I stood in for Punky Bruster when all of you was nothing. (seeing the crowd still doesn't agree with what he did, he points at Kramer) It's all his fault. (Kramer acts like he doesn't know what Mickey is talking about) It was his idea.
Tammy: Come on Johnny, let's go get something to eat.
Mickey: (in complete disgust as seeing Tammy leave with Johnny) AH! (turns and looks at Kramer) AH!
Kramer: What?
Mickey: AH!
Kramer: Mickey!
[Setting: Back in Fulton's Hospital Room]
Jerry: This guy's belching out vitamins..
Fulton: (dying of laughter and coughing) Stop.
Jerry: (cont) and this whole justice league, Batman, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman. You mean to tell me Superman can't cover everything?
Fulton: (still laughing and coughing) Stop.
Jerry: For crying out loud, He's Superman. (Fulton stops laughing, Jerry's face is stunned) Fulton? (looks at him) Fulton?
[Setting: Back at Monk's]
Daphne: George, first let me just say I've never been with a guy who was so committed to commit. I mean it's so rare in men these days an, that's what makes this all the more difficult.
George: (happily) Difficult?
Daphne: The other day after work some girlfriends and I went to a bar for some drinks and there was this crazy mishap and I wound up meeting someone as a result. George...
George: (acting disappointed) Oh, please don't.
Daphne: Uh, I'm sorry. I'm afraid the worst of it is it's someone you know. Jerry Persheck.
George: Packyderm?
Daphne: Heh, he was carrying these two pieces of pizza...


Meryl: Good morning.
Jerry: Good morning.
Meryl: How'd you sleep?
Jerry: Hey, you are the couch tonight, young lady. You were all over my side.
Meryl: I was not!
Jerry: C'mon, I was sleeping with one cheek off the bed!
Meryl: By the way, you know you're falling way behind on the 'I love you's.'
Jerry: No, no, 12-8!
Meryl: No, it's 15-8.
Jerry: I know I can't beat ya, I'm just trying to stay competitive.
Meryl: Alright c'mon, let's get some breakfast.
Jerry: Uh, let me get a coat. I think I'll uh try a sport jacket and scarf thing, you know, like an unemployed actor. (Goes into his room, and comes back out with the jacket on.) Ahh, haven't worn this one in a long time.
Meryl (Feels Jerry'S Material): Ooh, cashmere?
Jerry: No, gore-tex. It's new. (Checks his pockets.) Hey, look at this locket. What the hell is this? There's a picture in here, look at that.
Meryl: Wow, this is really old. You don't know whose it is?
Jerry: No, I haven't worn this jacket since I got it back from the dry-cleaner. Maybe we should ask him.
Meryl: Alright, we'll stop over there.
Jerry: Yeah. What do you want to get for breakfast?
Meryl: Pancakes.
Jerry: Oh now, c'mon, you know I'm getting pancakes.
Meryl: I don't know that!
Jerry: But we can't both get pancakes, it's embarrassing. It's like one step from the couples who dress alike.
Meryl: I'll get the short stack.
Jerry: Ah, that's why I love ya. 15-9. (They go out into the hallway and run into Kramer and his African-American girlfriend, Anna.) Hey, how ya doin.'
Kramer: We just got back from breakfast. The pancakes were dynamite.
Jerry: Hey, is that my maple syrup? Oh, ya. (Kramer hands it over.)
Meryl: You bring your own syrup?
Kramer: Got to.
Jerry (To Meryl): You got a lot to learn about pancakes.
Marty (Looking At The Locket): This is my wife. She died eight years ago. I been looking all over for this!
Jerry: Boy, it's a lucky thing I put the jacket on. But how did it get in the pocket?
Marty: Well, see here, the chain is broken...it must have slipped in when I was, uh...(gestures at the racks of clothes behind him.)
Jerry: Oh, wow.
Marty: I turned my house upside-down looking for this! It's all I have left of her.
Meryl: Oh, that's so touching.
Marty (To Jerry): Know what I'm gonna do for you? I'm gonna give you and your family 25% off all your dry-cleaning from now on.
Jerry: Oh, come on!
Marty: What are you talkin' about?
Jerry: It's silly!
Marty: Hey, forget it!
Jerry: Get outta here!
Marty: It's done!
Jerry (Giving In): Alright.
Meryl: Well, I guess I get it too, because I'm his wife.
Marty (To Jerry): I didn't know you were married.
Jerry: Oh...yeah...uh you've never met my wife, Meryl? Meryl Seinfeld.
Marty (To Meryl): Sure, you get the discount, too.
Jerry: You might regret that, because the money my wife spends on clothes...
Meryl: I'm taking him to the cleaners!
Jerry: Ah - see the sense of humor? C'mere, I'm so nuts about you...(hugs Meryl.) I tell ya, it was fun being single, but when you meet a woman like this, you don't walk to get married - you run!
Elaine: Oh, hi Greg.
Greg: Haven't seen you in a while.
Elaine: Yeah. Well, actuall today was the first day I worked out since the Central Park Mini-Marathon.
Greg: You ran the Mini-Marathon?
Elaine: No, but I exercised that day. (Laughs.)
Greg: Well, I-I gotta take off.
Elaine: Yeah, I guess as an airline pilot, you're one of the few people who can say that and mean it. (Laughs again. Greg looks at her, unamused.) Um, do you have the time?
Greg (Looks At His Watch): Eleven-thirty.
Elaine (Surprised): Eleven-thirty?
Greg: Wait-wait, ten-thirty. Sorry.
Elaine: Oh.
Greg: Do you have to be somewhere?
Elaine: No.
Greg: Then what are you doing?
Elaine: I'm just waiting for my friend George, we worked out together.
Greg: Oh. Well, it was good seeing you.
Elaine: Yeah, nice to see you, too.
Meryl: Uh, would you, um...can I...
Jerry: Pardon?
Meryl: The syrup. Would you pass the syrup?
Jerry (Holds Up The Syrup Bottle): Oh, you want to try the syrup! (Meryl smiles and takes it. The waitress comes over.)
Waitress: Can I get you anything else?
Jerry: Um, yeah...I think my wife and I'll have a little more coffee.
Waitress: Okay.
Meryl: And a check for my husband.
Jerry (Toasts With His Orange Juice): To my beautiful wife.
Meryl: To my adoring husband.
Jerry: Adoring? What about handsome?
Meryl: I like adoring.
Jerry: Ya sure, adoring's good for you, what does it do for me? (Meryl laughs. The owner of the coffee shop comes over.)
Owner (Points At The Bottle Of Maple Syrup): Excuse me...where did you get that?
Jerry: I, uh...well...
Owner: Uh, we don't allow any outside syrups, jams or condiments in the restaurant. (To Jerry) And if I catch you in here with that again...I will confiscate it.
Jerry: Well, I-I-I told my wife not to bring it.
Kramer: Really? 25% off? Do I get that, too?
Jerry: No, just Meryl.
Kramer: Why, why? Why does she get it?
Jerry: Because she's my wife! (The door buzzer sounds; Jerry answers it) Yeh?
Elaine: (on buzzer) Meh.
Jerry: (buzzes her up) Eh. (to Kramer) You know and I'll tell ya, I'm really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other. You care about each other. It's wonderful! Plus, I love saying "my wife." Once I started saying it, I couldn't stop - "my wife" this, "my wife" that...it's an amazing way to begin a sentence.
Kramer: "My wife has an inner ear infection."
Jerry: See?
Kramer: I like that! Hey look, will you do me a favor? Will you take my quilt into the cleaners for me, so I can get the discount too?
Jerry: Oh come on, we're gonna start doing this now? I can't be taking all your dry-cleaning in!
Kramer: C'mon, just this one time! It's expensive!
Jerry: Alright. (Elaine enters.)
Kramer: Hey. Hey Elaine, what do you say if neither of us is married in ten years, we get hitched?
Elaine: Let's make it fifty.
Kramer: We're engaged! Alright, I'm gonna get my quilt. (Kramer leaves.)
Elaine: Alright, listen to this. Remember that guy I was telling you about at the health club?
Jerry: The fly-boy.
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: Hey, where's George? I thought he was with you.
Elaine: I waited, he didn't show up. Anyway, this guy gave me an open-lip kiss.
Jerry: Hmm, So?
Elaine: So? We've always just kind've pecked. This one had a totally different dynamic.
Jerry: Really.
Elaine: Yeah. I mean, his upper lip landed flush on my upper lip. But his lower lip landed well below my rim.
Jerry: Ohhh, moisture?
Elaine: Yeah. Definite moisture.
Jerry: That's an open-lip kiss, alright.
Elaine: Yeah. Listen, I think he's giving me a big signal...maybe he wants to change our relationship. (The buzzer sounds, Elaine answers it.) Yeah?
George (On Intercom): Oh, uh...it's George.
Elaine: Hey, what happened to you?
George (Meekly): Nothing...little problem.
Elaine: Well, what was it? I mean, I was waiting.
George: Can I come upstairs, please? (Elaine pushes the button and lets George in.)
Elaine (To Jerry): I mean, maybe he wants to ask me out.
Jerry: I don't know why you're interested in this guy, he's a jerk.
Elaine: Because, he doesn't pay any attention to me, and uh he ignores me.
Jerry: Yeah, so?
Elaine: I respect that. (George enters.) Mmm, what happened?
George: Nothing, I... said it was a little problem.
Elaine: Yeah? What was it?
George (Defensive): Well...I was in the locker room showering, and I...I had to go, so...
Jerry: Here we go.
George: Anyway, I think the guy in the shower opposite saw me. He gave me a dirty look.
Elaine: You went...in the shower?
George: Yeah, so what? I'm not the only one! (Kramer enters with his quilt.)
Elaine (To Jerry): Do you go in the shower?
Jerry: No, never.
Elaine (To Kramer): Do you?
Kramer: I take baths.
George: Well, what was I supposed to do? Get out of the shower, put on my bathrobe? Go all the way down to the other end? Come all the way back?
Elaine: Did you ever hear of...holding it in?
George: Oh, no...no, that's very bad for the kidneys.
Elaine: How do you know?
George: Medical journals!
Jerry: Do the medical journals mention anything about standing in a pool of someone else's urine?
Jerry: Hello.
Meryl: Oh, hi...honey.
Jerry: What are you doing here?
Meryl: I just thought I'd drop off a few things.
Jerry: Oh. (Smiles at Marty nervously.) Well, I must have been in the incinerator room when you left. Here you go, Marty. (Hands over Kramer's quilt.)
Marty: Another quilt? Huh? (Uncle Leo enters.)
Uncle Leo: Jerry!
Jerry: Uncle Leo?!
Uncle Leo: Hello!
Jerry: Hello.
Marty (To Jerry): So, if you or your wife want to drop by on Wednesday, it should be ready.
Uncle Leo: Your wife?
Jerry (Hoping Leo Will Pick Up On The Scam): Yeah...my wife.
Uncle Leo: What are you talking about?
Jerry: Uh...I got married.
Uncle Leo (Shocked): You got married? I wasn't invited? Nobody sends me an invitation?
Jerry: Well, it was sudden.
Uncle Leo: Are you ashamed of your uncle? Do I embarrass you?
Jerry: No, no, it was a small ceremony.
Uncle Leo: Haven't I always been a good uncle?
Jerry: Yes, yes, you have.
Uncle Leo: Who told you when you went to school that you print well?
Jerry: You did, you did.
Uncle Leo (To Meryl): When he was younger, he had a beautiful penmanship. I used to encourage him to print.
Jerry: I'm a good printer.
Uncle Leo: I remember your 'V.' It was like a perfect triangle. Whoa, there's my bus! (Rushes out.) Hello! Wait!
Jerry: Uncle Leo, wait!
Greg: I'm glad you're here. This can get really boring. Do you know where I can get some good olives?
Elaine: I can find out.
Greg: Would ya?
Elaine: Sure. (thinking) Ooh, a project. That's a definite signal.
Greg: By the way, you look really great in that leotard.
Elaine: Oh, thanks. (thinking) That's no signal, who wouldn't like me in this leotard? I look amazing in this leotard.
Greg: Hey, you know what's weird? I think I had a dream about you last night.
Elaine: (thinking) Okay, he open-lips me, he dreams about me, we have an olive project...that's it, I'm asking this guy out. (to Greg) Um, you know Greg, I...
Greg: Can I have a sip of your water?
Elaine: Oh, yeah, sure. (Hands Greg her bottle.)
Greg: Thanks. (Is about to take a drink, but wipes the neck of the bottle with his shirt first.)
Elaine: (shocked expression; thinking) Oh my God.
Greg (Hands The Bottle Back): I'm sorry, what were you saying?
Elaine: Oh, it was nothing, for-forget it. (George enters the gym.)
Greg: See that guy right there?
Elaine: Yup, you mean him?
Greg: I caught him urinating in the shower. I'm thinking about turning him in, too.
Meryl: Honey? Could you get me something to drink?
Jerry (From His Bedroom Hallway, Alluding To The Fact That She Should Get The Drink Herself): You're right there.
Meryl: C'mon, I'm sitting! (Jerry walks to the kitchen, annoyed. Meryl laughs at the TV show she's watching.)
Jerry (Looking In A Drawer): Honey, what'd you do with the can opener?
Meryl: I didn't do anything with it.
Jerry: Well, it's not here, it was here yesterday.
Meryl: It's in the first drawer.
Jerry: I'm looking in the first drawer. It's not here.
Meryl: Yes, it is.
Jerry (Irritated): Hey...I'm not stupid. I'm looking in that drawer, there's no can opener.
Meryl: Did I say you were stupid?
Jerry (Angrily): Well, wouldn't I have to be? You tell me there's a can opener in the drawer, I'm looking in the drawer, there's no can opener - what other conclusion could one reach? (The phone rings.)
Meryl (Getting Up): Do you want me to go find it?
Jerry (Slams The Drawer): Yes. I do. You show me where there's a can opener in that drawer. (Answers the phone.) Hello! I'm sorry, I'm just fighting with my wife.
Helen: Jerry, we just heard, what's going on?
Morty: Why the hell didn't you tell us?
Jerry: Listen, Ma...
Meryl (Looking In The Drawer): It was in here yesterday!
Jerry (Angrily): Yeah, that's what I said!
Helen: Who is she? When did this happen?
Morty (To Jerry): I told her you'd get married. She thought you'd never do it.
Helen: Morty, you're talking too loud.
Morty: I'm not talking loud!
Helen: You're hurting my eardrum.
Meryl (Looking For The Can Opener): Well, you must have done something with it!
Jerry (To Meryl): I'm on the phone!
Helen: Is she there? Can we talk to her? What's her name?
Jerry: Mom, I'm not married.
Helen: What?
Jerry: I'm not married!
Morty: I knew it, I told you!
Helen (To Jerry): Uncle Leo said.
Jerry: I'm just pretending I'm married to get a discount on dry-cleaning.
Helen: A discount on dry-cleaning?
Jerry (To Meryl, Who'S Making A Racket In The Kitchen Looking For The Can Opener): Could you make a little more noise? (To his parents) Listen, I'm gonna have to call you later.
Meryl (Not Finding The Opener): Well, I give up.
Jerry: Well, whoopie whoop. (Meryl goes into the other room. Kramer staggers in the door in his bathrobe.)
Kramer: Got any coffee?
Jerry: Yeah. (Kramer lurches into the kitchen, trips, and falls onto the kitchen floor.) I'll get it, I'll get it! Take it easy, why are you so tired?
Kramer: My quilt is still at the cleaners. Jerry, I can't sleep without my quilt. Like the other night? I was cold. So, last night, I turn up the heat - it's too hot. I open up a window - it's too cold. (Frantic) I can't get into a zone!
Jerry: What is that? (Points to Kramer's pocket as Meryl comes back.)
Kramer: Huh?
Jerry: That?
Kramer: Oh, I forgot. (Hands back Jerry's can opener.)
Jerry: Hey, I'm sorry about all that can opener stuff.
Meryl: Yeah, me too. I Love you.
Jerry: I Love you.
Meryl: Well, goodnight.
Jerry: Goodnight. (They kiss goodnight, then promptly roll away from each other and go to sleep.)
George: They could kick me out of the health club if he tells them!
Elaine: So what do you want me to do?
George: Talk to him!
Elaine: How can I do that?
George: You said the guy gave you an open-lipped kiss!
Elaine (Enunciating Clearly So George Gets The Point): Yes, but then he wiped his hand on the top of the bottle when I offered him water!
George: Well, that doesn't mean anything!
Elaine: Are you kidding? That's very significant! If he was interested in me, he'd want my germs! He'd just crave my germs!
Jerry (Patiently While Watching Tv): She's right, George. Bottle-wipe is big.
George: Well, what about the open-lipped kiss?
Jerry: (still watching tv; sounds like basketball) Bottle-wipe supercedes it.
George: Yeah, you're right, you're right. (To Elaine) Alright, maybe he's not interested, but you still know him - can't you just ask him?
Elaine: George...but if I ask him now, I will have no chance of going out with him.
George: Why?
Elaine: I...I don't know...
George: Aha. Aha. Could it be because you don't want him to know that you have a friend who pees in the shower, is that it?!
Elaine: No, that's not it!
George: Oh, I think it is! I think that's exactly what it is!
Elaine: Why couldn't you just wait?
George: I was there! I saw a drain!
Elaine: Since when is a drain a toilet?!
George: It's all pipes! What's the difference?!
Elaine: Different pipes go to different places! You're gonna mix 'em up!
George: I'll call a plumber right now! (Goes for the phone.)
Jerry: Alright, can we just drop all the pee-pipe stuff here?
Elaine (To George): Okay! Okay! Okay, I will talk to him. (Kramer enters.)
Kramer: Jerry, I think that quilt is ready.
Jerry: Alright.
Kramer: Well, you gotta pick it up for me!
Jerry: Alright, I'll pick it up, but it's the last time I'm doin' it!
Kramer: I'm so tired!
Elaine (To Kramer): Boy, you don't look good.
Kramer: Huh? I don't?
Elaine: No, you look pale.
Kramer: Pale? Oh my God...I gotta meet Anna's parents today! (The phone rings.)
Jerry: Hello? Oh, hi honey. (annoyed, weary) Yes, I told him. I'll get it. (George and Elaine give each other a look, then leave Jerry to argue with Meryl on the phone.) Whenever. Okay, I'm sorry...
Marty: I'm sorry, it's not ready yet. (Kramer bursts in.)
Kramer: Not ready? It has to be ready! What kind of a business are you running here?
Marty: Who the hell are you? Huh, It's not your quilt.
Jerry: He's a very good friend of mine, he's kind've like an older brother to me...when things don't go right, he kinda takes it personally.
Marty: Well, uh...maybe tomorrow.
Kramer (Angrily, To Jerry): Maybe.
Jerry: Oh, it's okay, it'll be okay.
Kramer: Alright, I'm gonna see you later.
Jerry: Where you goin'?
Kramer: I gotta meet Anna's parents today, remember? I look terrible! I'm gonna hit the tanning machines.
Jerry: I can't believe you still do that. You know those things are bad for ya.
Kramer: Hey, that's how I maintain my glow.
Jerry: I'm goin' home.
Kramer: Ya.
Paula (To Marty, In A Foreign Accent): Excuse me? Uh, how much would it cost to clean this?
Marty: Oh, about thirteen dollars.
Paula: Thirteen? Well, I can't afford that.
Marty: Well, I'm sorry.
Elaine: Hi, Greg.
Greg: Hey, Elaine. I'll be off in a second.
Elaine: Ok. (Another guy approaches the exercise machine.) I got the machine next, buddy. (Greg finishes up his workout and gets off the machine.)
Greg (To Elaine): Oh, well, It's all yours. (Walks away. Elaine looks at the machine, then George runs over.)
George: What happened? Did he bring it up?
Elaine: Never mind that, look at the signal I just got.
George: Signal? What signal?
Elaine: Lookit. He knew I was gonna use the machine next, he didn't wipe his sweat off. That's a gesture of intimacy.
George: I'll tell you what that is - that's a violation of club rules. Now I got him! And you're my witness!
Elaine: Listen, George! Listen! He knew what he was doing, this was a signal.
George: A guy leaves a puddle of sweat, that's a signal?
Elaine: Yeah! It's a social thing.
George: What if he left you a used Kleenex, what's that, a valentine? Now you go up to him and you tell him that if he's thinking of turning me in, that I got the goods on him!
Elaine: No! I won't be a party to this.
George: So you're gonna let me get suspended for shower urination?
Elaine: Okay, I'll talk to him. But you're putting me in a very difficult position. (Walks away.)
Paula: I won't let you do this!
Jerry: I want to!
Paula: But it isn't right! I can't.
Jerry: Give me the clothes.
Paula: Jerry, please. What about her?
Jerry: Oh, the hell with her. (Paula dramatically flees from the coffee shop. Jerry thinks for a second, then follows her and catches up to her on the street.)
Paula: No, Jerry, please!
Jerry: I'm not gonna let you walk out of my life.
Paula (Hands Over The Clothes): I can't fight you. (They embrace and kiss passionately.)
Jerry: Do you want box or hanger?
Paula: You decide. (Jerry considers.)
Elaine: You're really working up quite a sweat today, huh?
Greg: Yeah. (Spies the shapely manager of the health club.) Oh, there's the manager. Good. I think I'm gonna talk to her about that guy, you know, we cannot have people like that in here.
Elaine: Are you sure you want to do that?
Greg: Yeah. He's disgusting! Besides, I'll take any chance I can to talk to her.
Elaine: You're interested in...in her? (Points at the manager.)
Greg: Very.
Elaine: Ah. You know, uh..I'm engaged. (preens) Yep, gettin' married in fifty years. (Snaps the straps of her leotard against her chest and winces. George walks by the manager.)
Greg: Oh good, there he is. I wanna be able to point him out.
Elaine: You know, Greg, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Greg: Why?
Elaine: Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it a violation of club policy to not wipe down a machine after using it?
Greg: Oh, I see...you're friends with the urinator, aren't you?
Elaine: Yeah, well, at least he had a drain.
Marty: Here you go, Mrs. Seinfeld...with your 25% discount, it comes to $17.80.
Meryl: Here you go. (Pays Marty, then looks at the clothes on the hanger.) Excuse me, this isn't mine.
Marty: Oh, yes it is. Your husband brought it in himself.
Meryl: Really? (Takes her change and grabs the clothes off the hanger.) Thank you. (Exits.)
Anna: That's him! (Opens the door. Kramer stands there, deeply tanned and smiling. Anna and her grandfather are shocked.)
Meryl (Throws Paula'S Clothes At Jerry): You son of a bitch!
Jerry: I'm sorry.
Meryl: Who is she? I want to know who she is.
Jerry: It doesn't matter. I want a divorce.
Meryl: A divorce? Oh, so you can marry her and give her the discount?
Jerry: Yes, that's right.
Meryl: What happened to us, Jerry?
Jerry: I'll tell you what happened. We got married.
Meryl: I'm sorry, uh.. this is my fault. I pushed it on you.
Jerry: No. I guess I just wasn't ready for the responsibilities of a pretend marriage.
Meryl: Goodbye, Jerry. Oh, I forgot...(reaches in her purse)...this is your maple syrup.
Jerry: It's alright, I want you to have it.
Meryl: (sentimental) Okay, thanks.
Jerry: We'll always have...pancakes.
Meryl: Bye, Jerry. (Exits.)
Grandpa (To Anna): I thought you said you was bringin' a white boy home! I don't see a white boy! I see a damn fool!


Jerry: You know their timing couldn't be worse.
George: Is there ever a good time to have your parents stay with you?
Jerry: You don't understand, I haven't been together with Rachel for like three weeks. First I was on the road, then my parents show up, I'm getting a little uh backed up.
George: When are they leaving for Paris?
Jerry: Not for another three days.
George: What about her place?
Jerry: She lives with her parents.
George: Really? (Jerry shakes his head) Maybe this will become like a cool thing, living with your parents.
Jerry: (sarcastically) Ya, then maybe baldness will catch on. This will all be turning your way.
George: Hey believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you think is going to be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?
Jerry: The baldies
George: Hey by the way my parents really want to have your parents over dinner before they leave town.
Jerry: That's good, then I get the apartment for at least one night. You know I'm paying for this whole Paris trip it's their anniversary present.
Alec: (walking over to Jerry and George's table) Hey guys.
George: Hey Alec
Jerry: Hey Alec
Alec: This is Joey.
George: Hey Joey, how you doin'?
Alec: (Joey was about to talk) Hey listen, I was wondering if either one of you guys would be interested in doing some work for the Big Brother program? I'm kinda running the local chapter. What do you say George?
George: Well uh...
Joey: (interrupts) Wouldn't you like to be a big brother to someone like me? Please?
George: Well, sure Joey, sure, I would be thrilled.
Alec: That's great George, thanks a lot I'll get in touch with you.
Joey: Wouldn't you like to be a big brother..
Alec: (grabs Joey to stop him) Ya alright Joey that's enough, let's go (walking over to the counter) See ya.
Jerry: What happened?
George: What could I do? Did you see the mug on that kid?
Jerry: (acting like Joey) Wouldn't you like to pass the ketchup to someone like me? Please?
Jerry: Hey did you notice they moved where they do the interview on Jeopardy now?
George: Ya it used to be right in the middle of single Jeopardy and now they do it right after single Jeopardy.
Jerry: Ya, it's much better isn't it?
George: Oh, n-no comparison.
Jerry: Hey, I gotta stop off at the bookstore to pick up my parents one of those French-English dictionaries.
George: (stops Jerry realizing something) Hey hey hey hey hey hey.
Jerry: What?
George: Your parents are going to Paris right?
Jerry: Yea?
George: So I tell Alec that I have to go to Paris for an undetermined amount of time. Then all I have to do is buy some post cards and have your parents mail them from Paris.
Jerry: What about little Joey?
George: Who?
Jerry: Ah, I think he's probably better off.
George: I'm trying to get out of this Big Brother program. So when you get to Paris (handing Morty the postcards) all you have to do is drop 'em in any mailbox.
Morty: But there are no stamps on these.
George: Well no not yet, you gotta buy french stamps (pauses) I-I'll reimburse you of course.
Helen: Why are you doing this?
Jerry: He wants this guy to think he's in Paris.
Helen: Why?
Jerry: Because George is a deeply disturbed individual.
Kramer: Oh hey, Helen uh, Could I uh, use some more of your hand lotion?
Helen: I told you it was good. (hands Kramer the lotion)
Kramer: (putting on the lotion) Ya
Helen: It's from the Saks Fifth Avenue in Miami.
Kramer: Mmm (smelling the lotion as he rubs it in) I'm gonna remember that if I'm ever in Florida.
Jerry: Ya, or if you're ever on Fifth Avenue here in New York City, you could get some there.
Kramer: Ya
Morty: Say those are some nice pants. I got a pair just like them at home.
Kramer: Well uh that doesn't surprise me, ya i bought these at Rudy's. It's a used clothing store. See when people like you die, the widows they bring in their wardrobes, they make a bundle.
George: Really? My father has a ton of old clothes just sitting up in the attic, y-you think they're worth something?
Kramer: Ya if they're vintage, and you're a widow.
George: What happens if the husband dies after the wife, who brings in the clothing in then?
Kramer: Well I suppose the children do.
George: (pondering) Yes I suppose they do.
Kramer: (takes another smell of his hands) Alright I gotta a ten o'clock, I'll see everybody later.
George: (grabbing his jacket) Hey oo, I just remembered uh my parents really wanna have you guys over for dinner before you leave town. What about tonight?
Helen: Tonight?
George: Yea they're making Paella.
Helen: (looking at Morty) Uh oh I don't think we think we can make it tonight, (turns toward George) we have plans.
Jerry: (watching the whole conversation from his desk) What plans?
Helen: (turns to Jerry) We have plans.
Jerry: Where'd you get plans?
Helen: (annoyed) We have plans.
George: Well um, what about tomorrow night?
Helen: (turns back toward George) Maybe
George: Ok uh, I guess I'll tell them that.
Morty: (to George as he is about to leave) Hey give 'em our best though.
George: (quietly) Ya.
Jerry: (walking over toward George and the door) I'll call you later.
George: Ya.
Jerry: So what plans do you have?
Morty: None
Jerry: So how come you're not going over there for dinner?
Helen: Jerry we don't care much for the Costanzas'.
Morty: We can't stand them.
Jerry: Really? Since when?
Helen: Since always. We've never liked them.
Jerry: Why?
Helen: Well they're so loud, they're always fighting it's uncomfortable, you never notice?
Jerry: No I notice but they're from your age group I didn't know you could detect abnormal behavior among your own kind.
Morty: Well we do.
Jerry: Ya?
Elaine: It's us.
Jerry: U-oh come on up. (buzzes them up) It's Elaine you don't have a problem with her do you?
Helen: We adore Elaine.
Jerry: She wants to say hi, she's with her new boyfriend.
Helen: What's he like?
Jerry: He's nice, bit of a close talker.
Helen: A what?
Jerry: You'll see. (pause) Boy, I had no idea you felt this way about the Costanzas'
Helen: They're exhausting it's like being in an Asylum.
Everyone: Hi.
Morty: Hello Elaine
Elaine: This is Aaron.
Helen: Hello Aaron
Morty: Hello.
Aaron: (getting up in Helen's face) So how long you folks in town?
Helen: Oh, three more days, three more days then we're off to Paris.
Aaron: Ah
Morty: We're going with a select charter group.
Aaron: I love France, (moving over to Morty's face) I was just there last year. In fact, you know I still have an envelope full of French Franks, I'll give 'em to ya.
Helen: We can't take money.
Aaron: Oh, no, it's a gift. (looking toward Elaine) from us.
Elaine: Oh, that is soo nice (very elaborate nice) Aaron. Isn't he nice? (to Helen) So listen has Jerry been showin' you a good time?
Jerry: No I haven't.
Aaron: You know (to Morty) I have a friend who works at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. How would you like a behind the scenes tour?
Helen: (grabbing Aaron) Really, you could do that?
Aaron: (up in Helen's face) Easily
Helen: I wouldn't be any trouble?
Aaron: (gets closer) Of course not.
Helen: When would we go?
Aaron: How about right now?
Morty: I'm ready
Helen: Are you sure?
Aaron: Yes.
Helen: Ok, let me get my coat.
Aaron: (walking over to Elaine and getting into her face) Elaine what do you say?
Elaine: W-well I don't think so Aaron, uh, I have plans.
Aaron: Oh. (getting into Jerry's face) How about you Jerry?
Jerry: I'm swamped.
Aaron: You sure? You could examine the art work up close.
Jerry: Maybe I'll try and catch up with you.
Elaine: (under her breath) Ya that'll happen)
Aaron: (Moving toward the door) Alright. We're off.
Morty: Ok, bye.
Helen & Aaron: Bye.
Jerry: Ok buh bye. Have a good time.
Elaine: Bye.
Aaron: See everybody later (Morty and Helen leave; Aaron closes the door blowing Elaine a kiss)
Jerry: Ok.
Elaine: Why would he ask your parents to go to a museum?
Jerry: I don't know.
Elaine: What is that?
Jerry: Maybe he was just trying to be nice.
Elaine: Have you ever heard of anyone doing anything like this?
Jerry: Wait a second, he just did me a big favor.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: (dialing) He got em out of the house.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: Call Rachel.
Elaine: Oh.
Jerry: (on the phone) ah no, I got the machine. Rachel! Are you there?! I got the place to myself for a few hours! Rachel! Where are you? Rachel! (hangs up the phone very disappointed)
Elaine: (putting on lipstick) Sorry pal, wish I could help you out.
Frank: They're not coming?
George: No, they had plans.
Estelle: How could they have plans?
George: That's what I wanna know.
Frank: Well what difference does it make? They wouldn't lie to us, they're are dear friends.
Estelle: What am I supposed to do with all this Paella?
George: They said tomorrow, maybe.
Frank: Maybe?
Estelle: Maybe they don't like us.
Frank: Why wouldn't they like us? (tastes the Paella; disgusted) Again with the pepper? What do you gotta use all the pepper for?
Estelle: Ah keep quiet.
Frank: What are you trying to set my mouth on fire?
George: I don't know what the reason could be.
Jerry: (disappointed) Oh, Hi, hi.
Aaron: Ah Jerry you would not believe the time we had.
Helen: Aaron is quite the tour guide.
Morty: Jerry have you ever seen any of those impressionist paintings?
Jerry: Oh sure like Monet.
Morty: Don't you think he had to be uh near sighted? I mean know body would paint like that if they could see. It's all out of focus.
Jerry: Well he's from the impressionist school, you know like Monet, Manet, Tippi Tippi Dayday.
Morty: I say the guy was painting without his glasses.
Jerry: (answering phone) Hello? Rachel, ya uh no they're back.
Helen: Jerry if you have something to do we could just sit right here and read.
Jerry: Uh haha ya well uh I'm sorry too I'll call you later, ok bye (hangs phone up)
Aaron: Well I should be going.
Helen: Oh thanks again.
Aaron & Helen: Buh bye.
Aaron: Oh you must be Kramer (advances on Kramer to close to his face Kramer walks back into the fridge to avoid him and falls to the ground) I've heard about you.
Kramer: You must be Aaron, I've heard about you.
Aaron: (Laughing) Well see you later.
Kramer: Yeah.
Aaron: (leaving) Bye
Jerry: Bye
Kramer: So uh what are you guys doing for dinner?
Helen: We have no plans.
Morty: (noticing Kramer's coat) Look at that, Helen do you see what he's wearing? That's the Executive.
Kramer: Now what is Executive?
Jerry: The belt-less trench coat. My father invented it.
Morty: I sure did. Raincoats were my business. The Executive was a classic, these haven't been made in twenty years.
Helen: Why would they? Know body bought them then.
Morty: He's wearing one.
Kramer: Yea these are a hot item over at Rudy's.
Morty: You don't say? You know I have boxes of those sitting in my garage in Florida?
Kramer: Get 'em up here. You give me twenty-five percent I-I'll take care of everything.
Morty: You gotta deal.
Kramer: Yaaaa.
Jerry: This is like the meeting of Smith and Wesson.
Morty: I'll call Jack Klompus, he's got a key to the garage. He can send them overnight delivery.
Helen: You're gonna first start shipping boxes? We're leaving for Paris in three days.
Morty: He'll send them express.
Helen: You're crazy.
Morty: I'll tell you how crazy I am, I'm gonna pay for this whole trip with these coats.
Jerry: N-na I'm paying for the trip.
Morty: So much the better.
George: Anyway it's kind of a fluke thing but uh I'll be leaving for Paris in two days. I will send you a postcard when I get there.
Alec: Paris huh?
George: Yea, ya..ya know I feel terrible about Joey but it's jus..it's a great business opportunity. I-I don't even know how long I'm gonna be away for.
Alec: Where will you stay?
George: An apartment complex, the uh the Eiffel Towers. uumm Like I said uh you'll be getting a postcard uh in a few days and again I'm sorry.
Alec: George, you have no idea how fantastic this is.
George: Fantastic?
Alec: Ya, we've been trying to reunite Joey with his father who lives in Paris. But he's afraid to fly alone, you know he's kinda withdrawn, but he seems to take to you. (George smiling in surprise) So it's a perfect solution.
George: How gee what a coincidence.
Alec: And you'll send me a postcard.
Aaron: Helen really seemed to respond to Renoir. I think she really connected to the way he painted children.
Elaine: Mm hmm.
Aaron: And that Morty, I'll tell ya that guy is full of life. (laughs) He was convinced Monet was near sighted. I kept telling him
Elaine: Aaron
Aaron: Yes?
Elaine: Uh, let me ask you a question. How come you asked Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld to go to the museum with you?
Aaron: Well, they were in from out of town, I thought they would enjoy it.
Elaine: Uhuh, um you didn't feel uncomfortable spending the whole day at the museum with two complete strangers who were more than twice your age?
Aaron: No, it was fun.
Elaine: You had fun with Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld.
Aaron: Yea, they bought me a coke.
Kramer: So how'd you come up with the idea for the belt-less trench coat?
Morty: I came home one night, and I tripped over one of Jerry's toys. (Jerry smiling points to himself and nods with cards in his hands) So I took out my belt just to threaten him, and I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
Kramer: How serendipitous.
Morty: So that night I cut off the loops and the Executive was born.
Kramer: Mmm
Jerry: He also came up with an idea for a brimless rain-hat but that never materialized. (to Morty) Alright come on let's play.
Kramer: Did you call Jack Klompus yet?
Morty: I haven't been able to reach him. Hey I'll call him right now.
Jerry: Ah come on.
Morty: Just a second. (Goes to grab the phone)
Helen: Jerry have you seen Schindler's List?
Jerry: No I haven't seen it yet.
Helen: Oh you have to go you have to
Jerry: I'm going
Helen: You have to
Jerry: Ok
Morty: (on the phone) Hello Jack.
Jack: Ya
Morty: It's Morty
Jack: Who died?
Morty: Know body died. Jack I want you to do me a big favor. (Jerry holding up some cards looking at his father) In my garage there are a couple of boxes.
Jack: What boxes?
Morty: I'm gonna explain what boxes.
Jack: Alright how the hell do I know?
Morty: Anyway there are these three big boxes, you can't miss them. I want you to ship them here to New York for me.
Jack: I thought you're going to Paris
Morty: I'm still going to Paris. I got a big deal cooking here.
Jack: What's in the boxes?
Morty: Raincoats.
Jack: Raincoats? (Doris sighs) You think you're gonna sell those old crappy raincoats? That's garbage.
Helen: I guarantee you Doris is not letting him mail those boxes.
Jack: When do you want these?
Morty: Send them tomorrow.
Estelle: You think they're coming tonight?
George: I dunno they said maybe.
Frank: Of course they're coming, they're leaving soon. If they don't come tonight they might not see us.
Estelle: Well they better come, I got all this Paella.
Frank: I admire Morty and Helen going to France. We should take a trip, maybe a cruise.
George: Yes a cruise, a long cruise, just the two of you.
Estelle: Georgie what were you doing poking around the attic last night?
George: I-I wasn't in the attic.
Estelle: I heard noise.
George: Maybe it was a mouse.
Frank: (jumping to his feet) OK that's it! We're moving!
George: What?
Frank: I will not tolerate infestation.
George: You haven't even seen one.
Frank: Don't you understand the very thought, the very idea, I'll never be comfortable again.
Estelle: Alright Frank that's enough.
George: I guess I've been hanging on to them for so long cuz i couldn't accept the fact that Dad was really gone forever (hugs a piece of clothing)
Rudy: Uh huh.
George: They will get a good home won't they?
Rudy: Look I gotta be honest with you there's nothing here too spectacular.
George: Oh I beg to differ. My father took great pride in his appearance, he was a very handsome man, a casanova really.
Rudy: I'll give you uh two-hundred dollars for the three boxes.
George: Could you make it two-twenty-five that was his hi-game in bowling.
Rudy: Yea I'm in a good mood here.
George: Thank you.
Kramer: Hey, George what are you doing here?
George: Uh, I'm just selling some of Dad's things, (looking into Kramer's eyes) that's what he would have wanted.
Kramer: Oh, I gotcha (clicks)
George: (leaving) That'll do.
Kramer: Oh hey guess what. Morty Seinfeld and I are going into business together, selling raincoats.
George: Hey that's swell.
Kramer: Yea we worked it out all over dinner last night.
George: Dinner? (grabs Kramer)
Kramer: Ya.
George: You had dinner with the Seinfelds'?
Kramer: Yea, last night.
George: Was this something you had planned for a while?
Kramer: No it was a spur of the moment. Well you know Morty likes to fly by the seat of his vintage pants.
George: (hurriedly leaves Rudy's) They had plans, They had plans!
Kramer: Oooo, boy I've never seen these before (looking at the clothes George just sold Rudy)
Rudy: Well they just came in, part of my spring-time cruise collection. Two for twenty-five dollars.
Kramer: Oh I'll take these.
Rudy: Alright
Kramer: Hey, remember this raincoat that you sold me?
Rudy: Sure that's the Executive.
Kramer: Ya, you have any others?
Rudy: I wish, they don't make 'em anymore.
Kramer: Suppose I told you I had fifty in mint condition, would you be interested?
Rudy: Very interested
Kramer: Cuz they're coming in from Florida as we speak.
Rudy: Well bring 'em in.
Kramer: So you'll buy them?
Rudy: I don't see what would possibly stop me.
George: Aaaa (looking around for Jerry) aaaa (finds Jerry) Ah ha. They had plans huh? They were busy. They were busy with their (doing a little dance to make the plans seem all that important) big plans!
Jerry: What are you talking about?
George: Mom and Pop Seinfeld
Jerry: Look I don't know.
George: Alright I happen to know what they did last night, they had dinner with Kramer.
Jerry: Oh they were tired it was a last minute thing.
George: So what's the deal they don't want to have dinner with my parents?
Jerry: That's right.
George: Is there something wrong with my parents?
Jerry: Absolutely
George: Because my parents happen to be two pretty wonderful people.
Jerry: These the people you currently live with?
George: Yes.
Jerry: Uh huh
George: So are they coming tonight or not?
Jerry: Look I really don't know what they're plans are.
George: Ok, fine. It's going to be very interesting, very interesting if they don't show up tonight. You know my mother made all this Paella.
Jerry: What is that anyway?
George: It's a spanish dish. It's a moulage of fish, an meat with rice. Very tasty.
Jerry: I-I'll tell 'em
George: Hey could you do one other thing for me?
Jerry: Name it.
George: You think your parents would have any objections to taking a little kid to Paris with them? (Jerry looks at him confused) It turns out that the kid's father lives in Paris. (chuckling) Is that a coincidence? (Jerry smilies) Eh you know Alec wants me to take him over there so I figure as long as they're going (claps)
Jerry: So you thought as long as they're mailing postcards, it wouldn't be too much to ask my parents to drag a child who they've never seen, through the streets of Paris?
George: (pause) Alright if you think it's too much they don't have to mail the postcards.
Joanne: So where's he taking you?
Elaine: Well first we're going to a matine, I'm taking the afternoon off, we're gonna go see "My Fair Lady" and they we are gonna go to dinner. He knows all these fantastic places.
Joanne: You are one lucky girl. (Elaine laughs in happiness) Wish I could find a nice guy. (Joanne goes to leave; Aaron enters) Hi Aaron.
Aaron: (getting up in Aaron's face) Hey Joanne. (turns to Elaine and goes over to her) Hey
Elaine: (already out from behind her desk goes to Aaron) Hi
Helen: Hello, Hello.
Morty: Hello Elaine
Aaron: I was able to finagle two more tickets to "My Fair Lady" and I thought why not ask Morty and Helen.
Elaine: Oh, Great.
Morty: (looking around) This is some office. What's the square footage?
Helen: You don't mind to you Elaine?
Elaine: Mind? Oh o-of course not.
Aaron: We can make a whole day of it.
Morty: This is some building, Harry Fleming used to have an office here. There was a deli on the first floor. You don't get corned beef like that anymore. What happened to that deli?
Elaine: (somewhat annoyed) I really don't know Mr. Seinfeld
Jerry: (stopping them) We better not. (they make out some more; then stop) T-They're gonna be here any second.
Rachel: When are they leaving?
Jerry: In two days.
Rachel: It's been soo long.
Jerry: I know.
Rachel: Ok, it's only two more days.
Jerry: Right, Thursday three o'clock.
Morty: (from outside the door; singing) I could have danced all night (entering with Helen) I could have danced all night and still have
Helen: Ooh.
Jerry: Oh Hi.
Helen: We didn't know you had company.
Jerry: (tucking in his shirt) Oh ya this is Rachel.
Rachel: Hi.
Helen & Morty: Hello Rachel.
Helen: Uh we'll come back another time.
Jerry: What other time?
Helen: Whenever
Jerry: Where you goin'?
Morty: Uh we'll drive around for a while.
Jerry: You don't have a car.
Morty: We'll take a bus.
Jerry: Come on stop.
Helen: No we don't mind
Morty: I'll get a book.
Rachel: No no it's ok, I was just leaving anyway.
Helen: O-oh are you sure?
Rachel: Yea.
Helen: Cuz we don't wann..
Jerry: (interrupting) No no it's ok. (walking Rachel out) So we'll go see Schindler's List later right?
Rachel: Definitely
Jerry: Ok. Uh
Rachel: (going out the door) It's night meeting you.
Helen: Nice meeting you.
Jerry: Ok, see you later.
Morty: Boy that was some show.
Jerry: What show?
Morty: "My Fair Lady"
Jerry: When did you get tickets to see that?
Helen: Aaron surprised us, and Elaine came.
Jerry: Oh (laughing) Elaine really? Well that sounds interesting.
Morty: We saw Regis Philbin get out of a limousine.
Jerry: Oh.
Helen: He looks better on TV.
Jerry: Oh
Jerry: (answering phone) Hello?
Jack: Hello Jerry,
Jerry: Yea.
Jack: It's Jack Klompus.
Jerry: Oh hi Jack.
Jack: So when are you coming down to Florida again?
Jerry: As soon as is humanly possible.
Jack: You know I still got that pen, the one that writes upside down.
Jerry: Yea yea ya I shoulda kept it.
Jack: So uh where's your father?
Jerry: Ya he's right here.
Morty: Yea
Jack: Morty, listen I can't get into the garage.
Morty: What do you mean?
Jack: There is something wrong with the key. The key doesn't work
Morty: You gotta jiggle it a little bit. I jiggled it. I jiggled it for fifteen minutes.
Doris: Tell him to come down here and get his own packages. You have nothing better to do then worry about his boxes.
Morty: You gotta pull on the knob as you turn it.
Jack: Get the hell outta here with your knob.
Doris: What does he want from you?
Morty: My idiot son could open that garage door.
Jerry: What did I do?
Morty: Just do it first thing tomorrow. I need it.
Morty: They'll be here first thing Thursday morning.
Helen: Thursday morning? You know we're leaving at three o'clock.
Jerry: (in a hurry) Yea you're leaving at three o'clock.
Helen: How are you gonna get all this done in time?
Morty: Don't worry about it.
Jerry: (in a hurry) Ya how you gonna get all this done in time?
George: They were drinking champaign in a buggy!
Frank: First Kramer, then Elaine?
George: Yea
Frank: It's a slap in the face.
Estelle: (with her arms out in wonder) What did we ever do to them? (George puts his arms out and imitates Estelle as she moves her arms up and down as she speaks) I want to know what we did them!
Frank: What are they too good for us? A raincoat salesman, I could buy and sell 'em like that.
Estelle: The hell with them.
George: (in the threshold between the living room and the kitchen) The thing that bothers me the most, is the lying.
Frank: Let's forget about it. We're going on a beautiful vacation. (sits down in his chair)
George: (sitting down) Vacation?
Frank: You're mother and I are planning on taking a cruise.
George: (claps all happy) AH! (half hugs Estelle)
Frank: But I can't find any vacation clothes. They were in the attic.
George: The attic? Y-you haven't wore any of those clothes for years.
Frank: How can I go on a cruise with out my cabana wear? I love those, those clothes. (Looks down yells) AH! (jumps out of his chair) A mouse! I saw a mouse! (takes off into another room with glass doors on it and shuts the door)
George: (picking up what Frank saw as a mouse) It's the remote.
Frank: (looking from the room; you can see him through the glass) Where the hell are my clothes? I love those clothes.
Rudy: Lousy moth ridden crap.
[Movie Theater: Schindler's List]
Jerry: Hey.
Morty: Hey, Jerry.
Helen: So how was the movie?
Jerry: Oh, really good, really good.
Helen: And didn't the three hours go by just like that (snaps her fingers)
Jerry: Like that (snaps his fingers)
Morty: What about the end, with the list?
Jerry: Ya that was some list.
Helen: What did you think about the black and white?
Jerry: (confused) The black and white.
Morty: The whole movie was in black and white.
Jerry: Oh yea, I didn't even realize.
Morty: You don't even think about it, there's so much going on.
Jerry: Ya ya, I tell ya I could see it again.
Kramer: So Klompus has the key, but the jerk couldn't open it up. All you gotta do it jiggle it (has is hand out jiggling) jus get it in there (jiggling making a bunch of noises) jigg jigg jiggle reiggle
Rudy: Look, I find this whole thing very uninteresting. When you get the coats come in.
Kramer: Hey what again?
George: I'm trying to buy some of the clothes back. (realizing something) Hey you wanna come over for dinner tonight? My mother made all this extra Paella.
Kramer: Paella, ya I'll be there.
George: Apparently the Seinfelds' are too good for us. I shouldn't say anything bad about your uh your partner.
Kramer: No no you know we're not partners. I only get twenty-five percent.
George: Twenty-five percent? It was your idea.
Kramer: Yap I know.
George: You're doing all the leg work.
Kramer: That's right
George: He's ripping you off
Kramer: You're right he's ripping me off
George: If anybody should be getting more it's you.
Kramer: He's ripping me off
George: Well don't let him take advantage of you like that.
Kramer: YAH! (exits)
Rudy: (coming out of the back-room noticing George) Oh it's you? You're the one who sold me the moth ridden cabana crap.
Morty: You know I've been thinking, why is Kramer getting twenty-five percent?
Helen: Well he told you about the place.
Morty: So what, why is that worth twenty-five percent? It's a finders fee. You know what a finders fee is?
Helen: You find something you get a fee.
Morty: Finder's fee is ten percent and no more.
Helen: Well it's too late now.
Morty: Those are my coats. I saved them, I stored them, I've been waiting years for this pay off.
Helen: Well you're not gonna say anything.
Kramer: I've been thinking about something.
Morty: Ya so have I
Kramer: Ahh! I don't think the deal is fair.
Morty: You don't think it's fair.
Kramer: No no, I found the place, I set the whole thing up, I'm doing all the leg work.
Morty: What leg work?
Kramer: Oh, there's leg work.
Morty: If anything you're getting too much.
Kramer: Too much?!
Morty: That's right, they're my coats.
Kramer: Look I want thirty-five percent.
Morty: I'm thinking more like fifteen.
Kramer: No way I'm taking fifteen.
Morty: Well you're not getting thirty-five.
Kramer: Alright let's compromise. Twenty-five percent.
Morty: Ok it's a deal
Rudy: Moths are a discourage to my business, all it takes is one moth to lay eggs. You know what happens to the larvae? They hatch and they're everywhere.
George: I'm sorry, umm he-here's your money back (gives Rudy the money back) I-I-I'll have the clothes.
Rudy: (counting the money to make sure it's all there) It's already put a dent in my fumigation bill.
George: So uh where are the clothes?
Rudy: I burned 'em.
George: Oh. That's good.
Elaine: N-I know they're your parents Jerry an' they're very nice people. But don't you think it's odd, that a thirty-five year old man is going to these lengths to see that someone else's parents are enjoying themselves? I mean don't you find that abnormal?
Jerry: It is a tad askew.
Elaine: I mean they're your parents and you don't do anything. So why is this stranger doing it?
Jerry: I've hardly been out to dinner with them.
Elaine: See, See, I can't even say anything you know because all he's really doing is being nice but but know body is this nice, this is like certifiably nice.
Jerry: You're right he's insane.
Elaine: Yes, he's insane, that's what I think.
Jerry: So what are you going to do?
Elaine: I don't know, I don't know what to do. (sighs) Oh god... so how was the movie?
Jerry: Uh from what I saw it was pretty good.
Elaine: Ya what do you mean from what you saw?
Jerry: Well I um I didn't ah actually get to see the whole movie.
Elaine: Yea why not?
Jerry: I was kind of um (pauses) making out.
Elaine: (thinks for a second) You were making, out during Schindler's List?
Jerry: I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone in a long time, it just got the better of me.
Elaine: During Schindler's List?
Jerry: (trying to justify it) We're both living with our parents.
Elaine: Did anybody see you? Did anyone say anything?
Jerry: No I don't think so. I saw Newman as I was leaving but see me.
Elaine: Oh.
Newman: Hello Mrs. Seinfeld
Helen: (like Jerry) Hello, Newman. Jerry's not here. (goes to shut the door on him)
Newman: Uh ah (stops her from closing the door; walks in) Having a nice trip? (walks over, grabs a junior mint, smells it then puts it in his pocket)
Helen: Wonderful, we went to the theater last night.
Newman: Oh the theater. Because I was wondering.
Helen: Wondering what?
Newman: Why I didn't see you at Schindler's List with Jerry.
Helen: Well we already saw it.
Newman: Oh, well it's a good thing for Jerry that you didn't go.
Morty: (getting up from the table and coming over) Why is that?
Newman: Well he really seemed to have his hands full if you know what I mean.
Helen: I'm afraid I don't.
Newman: Him and his little buxom friend Rachel were going at it pretty good in the balcony.
Morty: What?
Newman: What, do I have to spell it out for ya? He was moving on her like the storm-troopers into Poland.
Helen: Jerry was necking during Schindler's List?
Newman: Yes! A more offensive spectacle I cannot recall. Anyway I just really came up to get some detergent.
Helen: Jerry sends his laundry out.
Newman: (laughing) Oh ho right. Well very nice seeing you folks and a by the way you didn't hear this from me. Tata (runs down the hallway laughing)
Jerry: Hi (takes off his coat and puts it on the counter at which point his parents are both right by him as he goes into the refrigerator. He grabs a drink then turns around to see his parents right there) What? What did I do?
Helen: How could you?
Jerry: How could I what?
Helen: You were making out during Schindler's List?
Jerry: What? No.
Morty: Don't lie Jerry.
Jerry: (turns) Newman.
Helen: How could you do such a thing?
Jerry: I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone together in a long time and we just kinda started up a little during the coming attractions and the next thing we knew, the war was over.
Jerry: (answering the phone) Hello.
Jack: Hello Jerry, it's Jack Klompus.
Jerry: Hang on a second. (handing Morty the phone) Dad it's Klompus.
Morty: Hello
Jack: Hello Morty, listen that key doesn't work. It's no good.
Morty: You didn't get in?
Jack: Oh I got in, I had to break the window with a rock and then I got my hand all cut up reaching in.
Morty: You broke the window?
Helen: He broke the window?
Jack: You wanted those damn boxes didn't you?
Doris: (off camera) He should be on his hands and knees thanking you.
Morty: Did you send them?
Jack: Yea, they'll be there tomorrow afternoon, two o'clock.
Morty: Tomorrow afternoon?
Helen: Tomorrow afternoon?
Jerry: Tomorrow afternoon?
Morty: I told you to send them express.
Jack: W-well it was ten dollars cheaper in the afternoon than the morning, I figured what the hell's the difference.
Morty: So what did you do about the window?
Jack: I gotta fix your window now?
Morty: Alright alright, goodbye. (Morty hangs up the phone, Jack hangs up the phone) I don't think we are gonna make that flight.
Jerry: W-what do you mean you're not making the flight?
Helen: We have to make the flight, we're with a charter group. If we don't the trip is off.
Morty: Well what's the difference we'll go some place else.
Helen: Some place else? What about Paris?
Morty: You don't understand, I've come this far, I can't stop now.
Helen: I can't believe that you're doing all this just to sell some stupid raincoats.
Morty: You don't understand fashion is cyclical this thing could come back.
Helen: I think you're out of your mind.
Frank: I just don't understand how all those clothes can disappear.
George: Moths?
Frank: Moths, ate three boxes?
George: Well you know what happens with larvae hatch, they-they're everywhere.
Estelle: You know, I was thinking today. I never liked those Seinfelds anyway, he's an idiot all together. (Knocking at the door) Ah there's Kramer.
Kramer: (from outside) Hello?
Estelle: Hello
Kramer: (still outside) Helowwwowwow (Estelle opens the door) Hey (kisses Estelle hello) Ha ha, Good evening (George waves)
Estelle: Hope you're hungry. (goes into the kitchen)
Kramer: Ooo Paella
George: Hey uh let me take you're coat.
Kramer: (giving George his coat) Oh ya thanks buddy.
Frank: That shirt, where'd you get that shirt?
Kramer: Wha?
Frank: That's my cabana shirt, you stole my shirt you son of a bitch! (really fast) George you let your friends go up in my attic and steal my clothes? (grabbing at the shirt) Gimme that back
Kramer: (trying to get away) woah
George: Dad?!
Kramer: (laughs as Frank ends up tickling him; gets away) I bought it from Rudy.
George: Rudy?! That skunk, I knew he didn't burn those clothes.
Frank: Who's Rudy? What clothes?
George: I sold your clothes yesterday.
Frank: You sold my clothes (smacks George on the forehead) what do you mean you sold my clothes?
George: I didn't think you wore them anymore.
Frank: It's cruise wear!
Estelle: Kramer, I love that shirt.
Kramer: Yaya
Frank: THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S MINE!!
Estelle: You look just like Frank, on our honeymoon.
Kramer: Oh, well, thank you.
Frank: Who's this Rudy?
Kramer: Well Rudy's the guy buying Morty's raincoats.
Frank: Morty Seinfeld? He's a bum.
Kramer: Well, the whole deal going down tomorrow. Morty's gonna miss his plane for it.
George: Missing his plane? Wasn't that a charter flight?
Kramer: Yea.
George: What happens to charter tickets when you don't use em?
Kramer: Well I suppose they are wasted.
George: Yes I suppose they are.
Frank: Tomorrow I'm going straight down to this Rudy and get my clothes.
Kramer: A mouse!
Jerry: You want the tickets?
George: Yes.
Jerry: You're gonna take this kid to Paris?
George: Hey I get a free trip to Paris, I go in the Big Brother's Hall-of-Fame, I mail my own postcards.
Jerry: You know I'm paying for these tickets.
George: It's alright, I got lunch.
Kramer: Oh, you should have gone to the Costanzas' for dinner. Mmm the Paella was magnificent. Have you ever had really good Paella?
Morty: Not really.
Kramer: Oh it's a orgiastic feast for the senses. The want and the festival, the sites, sounds, and colors an mmmummumm mumm
Jerry: Hey Dad are you sure we are at the right carousel?
Morty: This is it.
Kramer: So how much are we gonna make?
Morty: Take it easy, I've been through a million of these negotiations.
Kramer: Wha two thousand? Three thousand?
Morty: That's giving it away. This is a one of a kind item.
Kramer: More? More than three thousand?
Morty: Just watch me do my thing.
Jerry: Say Dad, (pointing at a raincoat sitting on the carousel next to an open box) isn't that one of yours?
Morty: Look at this. Look at how this idiot packed it. He didn't tape it, he just flipped the flaps. (Kramer, Morty and Jerry are looking around grabbing raincoats which are scattered all over the place.) Kramer you missed a couple.
Woman: Bon-jour, welcome to the Gateway to Paris Charter Flight.
Jerry: (turns around noticing the Charter flight) Dad isn't that your charter group?
George: Honesty, hard-work, these are the values that I was raised on. The most important thing Joey, is to be able to look yourself in the mirror before you go to sleep at night.
Joey: Hey! I got news for you four eyes, there's no way you're staying with us in Paris.
Frank: You burned them? Those clothes are not yours to burn.
Rudy: Who are you anyways?
Frank: I'm the father.
Rudy: He said his father was dead.
Frank: He said I was dead?
Rudy: That's right. Squeezed an extra twenty-five dollars out of me.
Frank: That's what my life is worth to him? Twenty-five dollars.
Kramer: Hey, Frank!
Frank: Oh, I just want to you know I'm retracting our dinner invitation.
Morty: Well you don't have to retract it because we never went.
Frank: I'm retracting that it was ever offered.
Morty: I retract your retraction.
Frank: Oh, you trying to unload some of that junk of yours?
Morty: Would you excuse me please, we're conducting business here.
Rudy: You can keep your raincoats. I'm not interested.
Kramer: I thought we had a deal?
Frank: That's another one of my shirts!!
Rudy: I'm not buying anymore clothes from anyone off the street.
Morty: Who's off the street? I'm in the raincoat business for thirty-five years.
Rudy: Ya how do I know there aren't moths like his stuff?
Frank: My clothes don't have moths!
Morty: Because of his moths you're not buying my raincoats?
Rudy: That's right.
Kramer: (laughing) I'm all ticklish. (a moth flies out of his shirt; they all look at it)
Announcement: Flight-433 now boarding for Miami, Gate 18a. Flight-433 now boarding.
Morty: Ok, let's go.
Helen: (to Aaron) It was so nice of you to come to the airport to see us off.
Aaron: Are you sure you can't stay a little longer?
Elaine & Jerry: NO.
Morty: Ah, good-bye.
Elaine: Good-bye
Jerry: Take care
Morty: Alright Jer.
Elaine: Nice to see..
Morty: Buh bye Elaine
Jerry: Buh bye.
Helen: Buh bye.
Helen: (looking at Jerry while being overly hugged by Aaron) We'll call you when we get home.
Aaron: Thank you.
Jerry: I think she meant me, but.
Morty: Make sure Kramer uses good tape when he sends back the raincoats.
Jerry: Ok.
Elaine: Bye.
Jerry: Bye.
Elaine: Aaron? Aaron are you ok?
Aaron: I could've done more. I could've done so much more.
Elaine: You did enough.
Aaron: (turning toward her) No, I could've called the travel agency, got them on another flight to Paris, I coulda got them out.
Jerry: You tried Aaron, it was too expensive.
Aaron: (holds his arm up) This watch, this watch could've paid for their whole trip. (holds his other hand up) This ring, this ring is one more dinner I could've taken them out to. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other like he's crazy) Water, they need some water (turns around and runs to the Flight Agent)
Elaine: Why?
Aaron: (to the Flight Agent) They'll get dehydrated on the plane! Get the Seinfelds some water. Please! Please!
Jerry: Hi Mr. Goldstein is Rachel home?
Mr. Goldstein: I'm afraid Rachel's not going to be able to see you tonight, or any other night for that matter.
Jerry: Why what did I do?
Mr. Goldstein: (Rachel is know seen behind her Dad) You know very well. I heard about your behavior at the movies the other night it was disgraceful. You should be ashamed of yourself, I for one will not allow my daughter to be involved with someone of such weak moral fiber. Fortunately my postman happened to have witnessed the entire incident. A heavy set fellow, I believe he lives in your building. (Jerry turns to almost do a 'Newman') Now if you don't mind. (starts to close the door)
Jerry: Rachel!
Mr. Goldstein: (closing the door on Jerry) Good night!
Jerry: Rachel!
Jerry: So my parents get home, they open the door, my father flicks the light on, the whole place is cleaned out, everything.
Elaine: Aahh, (pushes Jerry from her seat at the table) Get Out! How did it happen?
Jerry: The broken window, Klompus never fixed it. They just walked right in.
Elaine: Oohh, boy. They could use a vacation.
Jerry: Yea they're taking one, the travel agent is trying to set something else up for them.
Elaine: (sighs) So how about that Aaron?
Jerry: Whew
Elaine: You know what drove me crazy about him? Did you ever notice that he stood too close to you when he talked?
Jerry: No I hadn't noticed.
Newman: (at the counter) Pair of bear claws please.
Jerry: (hearing Newman turns and sees him) Hiya Newman.
Newman: (moving away from the counter getting closer to the door) Hello Jerry.
Jerry: Say, I happened to catch you coming out of Schindler's List the other night.
Newman: Ohh, were you there?
Jerry: Yes I was.
Newman: (looking scared) I-it's a it's a...powerful film.
Jerry: Yes, shocking brutality don't you think?
Newman: (couple quick breaths) Shocking.
Jerry: Yes, well that was nothing.
Newman: (running out the door) Jerry! Jerry!
George: Where the hell is your father?!
Estelle: This is the best thing we ever did.
Frank: I just hope those exterminators know what they're doing.
Estelle: Ah forget about them let's just...