George: Take toilet paper for example. Do you realize that toilet paper has not changed in my lifetime? It's just paper on a cardboard roll, that's it. And in ten thousand years, it will still be exactly the same because really, what else can they do?
Siena: That's true. There really has been no development in toilet paper.
George: And everything else has changed. But toilet paper is exactly the same, and will be so until we're dead.
Siena: Yeah, you're right George. What else can they do?
George: It's just paper on a roll, that's it. And that's all it will ever be.
Siena: Wow.
George: You find this interesting, don't you?
Siena: Yes. yes, I do.
Elaine: (to the busboy) Oh, thanks very much, the soup was really good.
Jerry: What are you telling him for?
Elaine: What?
Jerry: He's the busboy, you think he cares about the soup?
Elaine: Yeah, why? Wouldn't he want the soup to be good?
Jerry: Elaine, it's all this guy can do to keep from killing himself. You think he's back there, talking to the chef, going, "Hey, they like the soup! Keep it up!"?
Elaine: Hey, isn't that Alec Berg?
Jerry: Yep, Alec Berg. He's got a good 'John Houseman' name. Alec Beeerg. Mr. Beeerg.
Elaine: I can't stand him, he is so pretentious.
Jerry: John Houseman?
Elaine: No, Alec Berg.
Alec: (approaching) Elaine!
Elaine: Hi!
Alec: Hi, how are you? Jerry.
Jerry: Hi, Alec.
Alec: Did you hear about Gary Fogel?
Jerry: Yeah.
Alec: You gonna go to the funeral on Friday?
Jerry: Yeah, hey did I see you on TV at the Ranger game? Were those your seats right behind the glass?
Alec: Those are them, yeah. Season tickets. Uh, you know, unfortunately I can't go tonight, so they're available if you'd like to use them.
Jerry: Oh, I'd love to, are you sure?
Alec: Absolutely, you just call my secretary, she'll arrange everything.
Jerry: Gee thanks! Thanks a lot!
Alec: It's my pleasure. Be good. (Walking away, he stops abruptly) You know, I actually might not use them on Friday either so I'll let you know.
Jerry: Alright, thanks again.
Elaine: Thank you very much.
Jerry: Really, thank you.
Jerry: Well what about these nitwits that get on a plane with nothing to read? You know who these people are?
Elaine: Who?
Jerry: These are the people that want to talk to you. They got nothing else to do, why not disturb you?
Elaine: I will never understand people.
Jerry: They're the worst.
George: Something's up, there's something in the air.
Jerry: Well, what is with you?
George: Well, I think this is it.
Elaine: What's it?
George: I saw Siena again.
Elaine: Siena?
Jerry: Yeah, he's dating a crayon.
George: We discussed toilet paper.
Jerry: Toilet paper?
George: Yeah, I told her how toilet paper hasn't changed in my lifetime, and probably wouldn't change in the next fifty thousand years and she was fascinated, fascinated!
Jerry: What are you talking about?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: Toilet paper's changed.
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: It's softer.
Elaine: Softer.
Jerry: More sheets per roll
Elaine: Sheets.
Jerry: Comes in a wide variety of colors.
Elaine: Colors.
George: Ok, ok, fine! It's changed, it's not really the point. Anyway, I'm thinking of making a big move.
Jerry: What?
George: I might tell her that I love her. I came this close last night, then I just chickened out.
Jerry: Well, that's a big move, Georgie boy. Are you confident in the 'I love you' return?
George: Fifty-fifty.
Jerry: Cause if you don't get that return, that's a pretty big matzoh ball hanging out there.
George: Aw, I've just got to say it once, everybody else gets to say it, why can't I say it?
Elaine: What, you never said it?
George: Once, to a dog. He licked himself and left the room.
Jerry: Well, so it wasn't a total loss.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey, I forgot to tell you! I got tickets to the Rangers-Devils playoff game tonight!
Kramer: Oh, I'm there, Monongahela!
Jerry: What about you, George?
George: Eh eh eh, can't do it, can't do it, sorry, I got a date.
Kramer: So, so.
George: Oh no no no, if you must know, I would rather be with her than go to the game.
Kramer: She must be a very special lady, huh George, yeah.
Jerry: Well, what do I do with the extra ticket?
Elaine: Oh hey, can I bring David Puddy? He's a big Devils' fan.
Jerry: Sure, fine with me.
George: Hey, by the way, if anybody wants an inside tour of the zoo, Siena works there as a trainer.
Kramer: So she works at the zoo?
George: Yeah, yeah.
Kramer: Yeah, like Diane Fosse. You know she's the only person that's ever been accepted into gorilla society. And you know, once those gorillas accept you, you got it made in the shade.
Elaine: So how long have you been a Devils' fan?
Puddy: (off camera) Since I was a kid, I'm from Jersey.
Elaine: Yeah? Well, we're gonna kick your butts tonight.
Puddy: Hey, no way, man.
Elaine: Yes.
Puddy: We're primed.
Elaine: Alright, you almost ready? Cause Jerry and Kramer are gonna be here any second.
Elaine: What the-
Puddy: So what do you think?
Elaine: What is that?
Puddy: I painted my face.
Elaine: (still in disbelief) You painted your face?
Puddy: Yeah.
Elaine: Why?
Puddy: You know, support the team.
Elaine: Well, you can't walk around like that.
Puddy: Why not?
Elaine: Because it's insane?
Puddy: Hey, you gotta let them know you're out there, this is the playoffs.
Kramer: Hey.
Puddy: Hey.
Elaine: Dave, um, painted his face.
Kramer: Yeah, that's cool. Well, you gotta support your team.
Puddy: Ok, ready to go?
Kramer: Yeah.
Puddy: (startlingly loud) LET'S GET IT ON!!! Alright!! Go Devils!! Go Devils!! Let's go Devils!!
Puddy: You're dead, Messier! We're gonna get you, Messier!
Fan #1: Will you sit down?
Puddy: Hey man, I'm just trying to support the team.
Elaine: Will you sit down? You're disturbing everybody. Sit down!
Puddy: Oh yeah, because you're a Ranger fan and you know I'm messing with their heads.
Puddy: Go Devils!!
Radio Announcer: Devils goal! Stephan Richer scores from just inside the blue line! And the Devils take- (George turns down the volume)
George: You know, I could have actually gone to that.
Siena: So why didn't you?
George: Well, I didn't want to break our date.
Siena: Oh, well.
George: Because I... I love you.
Siena: You know, I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat.
Puddy: Ha ha! We took it to you! You couldn't get it out of your zone all night. We were aggressive, we didn't let you penetrate!
Kramer: Alright, that's enough out of you, there's still three more games left in this series, my friend, and it's far from being over. Very far from being over. (Notices a car coming right towards Puddy, who's crossing the street) Watch out!
Puddy: (pounding the hood) Hey, what are you doing?! Watch where you're driving, man! (He approaches the passenger side window) Don't mess with the Devils, buddy. We're number one, we beat anybody! We're the Devils! The Devils!! Haaaa!!!
Father Hernandez: El Diablo! Dios mio! El Diablo!!
Jerry: "I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat."
George: Yup.
Jerry: Big matzoh ball.
George: Huge matzoh ball.
Jerry: Those damn 'I love you' returns.
George: Well, it's all over. I slipped up.
Jerry: Oh, you don't know.
George: You have any idea how fast these things deteriorate when there's an 'I love you' out of the bag? You can't have a relationship where one person says, "I love you", and the other says, "I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat.".
Jerry: Unless you're married.
George: I mean, now she thinks that I'm one of these guys that love her. Nobody wants to be with somebody that loves them.
Jerry: No, people hate that.
George: You want to be with somebody that doesn't like you.
Jerry: Ideally.
George: I am never saying 'I love you' again unless they say it first.
Waitress: Matzoh ball soup?
George: That'd be me.
Kramer: Hey, Jerry? You're a smart guy, right?
Jerry: No question about it.
Kramer: Alright, you know I'm supposed to go on this special tour today with George's girlfriend.
Jerry: At the zoo?
Kramer: Yeah, but before I met up with her, I stopped to look at the monkeys, when all of a sudden I am hit in the face with a banana peel. I turn and look and there is this monkey really laughing it up. Then someone tells me that he did it. Well, I pick up the banana peel and I wait for that monkey to turn around. And then I *whap* let him have it.
Jerry: Kramer, you threw a banana peel at a monkey?
Kramer: Well, he started it!
Jerry: It's a monkey, Kramer!
Kramer: Well, he pushed my buttons, I couldn't help it, Jerry.
Jerry: Well, I still think it's wrong.
Kramer: Alright, alright, fine. You take the monkey's side, alright, go ahead.
Jerry: I'm not taking anyone's side.
Kramer: (walking out) Cause I know what happened, Jerry. (remembering something and walking back in) Did you call Alec Berg and thank him for the hockey tickets?
Jerry: No.
Kramer: Oh, Jerry, what are you waiting for?
Jerry: What do I gotta call him for? I thanked him five times when he gave them to me, how many time I gotta thank him?
Kramer: Oh, no no no, you gotta call him the next day, it's common courtesy.
Jerry: No, I don't believe in it. I'm taking a stand against all this over thanking.
Kramer: Jerry, good manners are the glue of society.
Jerry: Hey, if I knew I had to give him eight million 'thank you's, I wouldn't have taken the tickets in the first place.
Kramer: Alright, you know what this is gonna do? He's gonna be upset because you didn't call him and we're not gonna get those tickets for Friday night.
Jerry: Ah, you're out of your mind.
Kramer: Alright, where you going?
Jerry: I gotta get a suit cleaned, I have a funeral on Friday.
Kramer: Who died?
Jerry: Remember the guy who pretended he had cancer so O would buy him the toupee?
Kramer: So he actually had it?
Jerry: No, car accident. He was trying to adjust his toupee while he was driving and he lost control of the car.
Elaine: That poor priest. He was just visiting from El Salvador. Now he's gone completely loco.
Jerry: The one Puddy screamed at in the car?
Elaine: Yeah. He thinks he saw the devil. He won't leave his room in the church basement.
Jerry: Well, that's what you get for getting mixed up with a face painter.
Elaine: I mean, what compels a seemingly normal human being to do something like that?
Jerry: Gotta support the team.
Elaine: You know I really hate my clothes.
Jerry: Hm.
Elaine: I open up my closet, there's just nothing.
Jerry: Hm.
Elaine: Nothing. I hate everything I have, I really hate it. (The weeping increases in volume and intensity) I mean, at this point, it's like I can wear something three or four times and that's it.
Jerry: Hm.
Elaine: It's getting to be a terrible problem for me.
Jerry: (noticing Alec Berg walk in, whispers) Hey, Alec!
Jerry: Did you see that? What kind of a 'hello' was that?
Mr. Pless: Ah, Mr. Kramer?
Kramer: Yes.
Mr. Pless: Thanks for coming.
Kramer: So, uh, what did you want to see me about?
Mr. Pless: Well, Mr. Kramer, to get right to it, we're having a bit of a problem with Barry.
Kramer: Barry?
Mr. Pless: The chimpanzee.
Kramer: Oh. Well, uh, what's the problem?
Mr. Pless: Well, he's not functioning the way he normally does. He seems depressed. He's lost his appetite. He's even curtailed his autoerotic activities. And we think this is directly related to the altercation he had with you the other day.
Kramer: So, so what do you want me to do?
Mr. Pless: Well, frankly we'd like you to apologize.
Kramer: Yeah, well he started it.
Mr. Pless: Mr. Kramer, he is an innocent primate.
Kramer: So am I. What about my feelings? Don't my feelings count for anything? Oh, only the poor monkey's important. Everything has to be done for the monkey! Look, I'm sorry. I-
Siena: Hey, that's ok. Well, I've gotta go feed the marmosets.
Kramer: (to Siena as she's walking out, but she appears to ignore) You know George really likes you.
Mr. Pless: She doesn't hear too well out of her left ear.
Kramer: Oh.
Jerry: I mean, do you think it's possible that he's mad at me because he didn't get the day-after 'thank you'?
George: Wait a minute, you were at a funeral, right?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Well, people never give a good 'hello' at a funeral. I mean, they go like this (George gives an extremely understated nod) That's the biggest.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah, that's kinda what he gave me.
George: Hey, they can't go, "Hey! You look fabulous!"
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Hey. Well, I just spoke to your girlfriend.
George: Girlfriend, yeah, right.
Kramer: Anyway, she asked me to apologize to Barry.
George: Barry?
Kramer: The monkey.
Jerry: Well?
Kramer: Nothing doing. Jerry, I didn't do anything. It's the monkey that should be apologizing to me.
Jerry: Well, I don't think that's gonna happen.
Kramer: Well, I'm sorry. Well, George, I tried to put the good word in for you with Siena, but I don't think she heard me. You know, left ear?
George: What?
Kramer: Yeah, her boss told me that she can't hear very well out of her left ear. What, you didn't know that?
George: Oh my god.
Jerry: What?
George: She probably never heard it. Don't you see what this means? It's like the whole thing never happened. It's like when Superman reversed the rotation of the earth to save Lois Lane!
Jerry: Are you gonna say it again?
George: That's the question, Jimmy.
George: I'm gonna do it.
Jerry: What? After what you just went through, I thought you said you'd never say it again.
George: I'd like to say it once to someone that can actually hear it!
Kramer: What's going on?
Jerry: He's gonna talk into her other ear.
Kramer: Oh. Well listen, I almost forgot to ask you. What happened at the funeral? Now, did you talk to Alec berg?
Jerry: Yeah, I saw him.
Kramer: Alright, so he's gonna give you the hockey tickets, huh?
Jerry: Well, not exactly.
Kramer: He's mad, isn't he? See, I knew it.
Jerry: I don't know if he's mad.
Kramer: Alright, so what happened when you saw him?
Jerry: Well, I didn't really get a good 'hello', but see, I was at a funeral.
Kramer: Uh huh.
Jerry: See, so I don't know if I got a funeral 'hello' or he was mad because he didn't get his day-after 'thank you'.
Kramer: See, I told you, Jerry, I told you!
Jerry: Look, what do you want me to do?
Kramer: I want you to get on this phone and give him his 'thank you'!
Jerry: No. No, I can't!
Kramer: Jerry, this is the way society functions. Aren't you a part of society? Because if you don't want to be a part of society, Jerry, why don't you just get in your car and move to the East Side!
Jerry: Look, we got five hours before the game. I am betting it was a funeral 'hello'. He knows we're here, he knows the number, he knows we want to go. There's plenty of time for him to call and give us the tickets.
Kramer: You stubborn, stupid, silly man!
Puddy: Hey, great dip. You made this?
Elaine: No, it's from the store.
Puddy: Oh. Hey, how come people don't have dip for dinner? Why is it only a snack, why can't it be a meal, you know? I don't understand stuff like that.
Elaine: David? David, I think we aught to talk.
Puddy: Alright, that's cool.
Elaine: David, I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Puddy: You gotta be kidding, how come?
Elaine: Well, you see, David, you're a face painter.
Puddy: Yeah, that's right.
Elaine: Well, it's not that I don't like you, but, well to be perfectly honest, I'm just having some trouble getting past the face painting.
Puddy: Well, alright, so you don't like the face painting, I just won't paint it anymore.
Elaine: Yeah, but you like the face painting.
Puddy: Well, I don't need to do it. It's not like a habit or anything.
Elaine: Oh. You mean you'd stop it for me?
Puddy: Yeah, that's right.
Elaine: That's so, that's so sweet.
Puddy: Ah, c'mere. (They kiss) Alright, I gotta go home and get changed before the game. I'll be back, we'll make out.
George: Siena, I love you.
Siena: Yeah, I know. I heard you the first time.
George: Yeah. Just confirming.
Jerry: Hello? Oh, hi mom. No, listen, I was expecting somebody else. I'm sorry, I can't talk now, I gotta keep the line clear, I'll call you later. Yes, I know I have call waiting but I don't trust it in an emergency. Good bye.
Kramer: Anyway, I um, I just want to say that I'm sorry. I lost my temper and I probably shouldn't have. I took it out on you and, look, if I've caused you any problems as a result of my behavior, well then, I'm sorry. I apologize. Even though, Barry, between me and you, we both know that you started it. I mean, who's kidding who? But they tell me that you're very upset, and god forbid I should disturb the very important monkey, I'm just hoping we can put this behind us, let's just move on with our lives, ok? So no hard feelings?
Elaine: What is that?
Puddy: That's the letter 'D'.
Elaine: Why is the letter 'D' painted on your chest?
Puddy: Well, I'm going to the game tonight, and me and these five other guys are gonna take our shirts off and spell out 'Devils'.
Elaine: But you said no more painting.
Puddy: No, I said no more face painting, and as you can see this is not my face.
Elaine: Yeah, that's right.
Kramer: Well? Did he call?
Jerry: No.
Kramer: Oh, come on, Jerry! Come on, this is stupid! It's six o'clock! It's all over, just pick up the phone and thank him!
Jerry: Alright! (picks up the phone and dials) Hello, Alec? Hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld. You know, you got a great 'John Houseman' name. Alec Berg. Did you hand in your assignment, Mr. Berg?
Alec: What can I do for you, Jerry?
Jerry: Well, Alec, the reason I called is I just wanted to thank you for the tickets from the other night.
Alec: I wish you'd called me earlier, I could have given you my tickets for tonight.
Jerry: Oh, you already gave them away?
Alec: Yeah, but you know what? I have a friend, he's got a couple of seats. If you don't mind the nose bleed section, they're yours.
Jerry: No, we don't care, we just want to go.
Alec: There is one little catch, though.
Puddy: Hey, great game, huh?
Priest: Father Hernandez?
Father Hernandez: Huh?
Priest: Una senora que te vino a ver. Ella dice que tiene informacion muy importante, y que te puede ayudar. (Subtitled "A woman here to see you, she has important information that could be helpful to you.")
Father Hernandez: Bueno.
Priest: Al fini finalmente par el llover. (Subtitled "Finally it stopped raining.")
Father Hernandez: Aha, bueno.
Elaine: Hello father.
Father Hernandez: Oh. La Madonna! Madre de Christo! Yo estoy lista!


Gennice: (Crying) (sob sob)
Jerry: (To himself) Now what am I supposed to do here? Shall I go over there? It's not like somebody died. It's "Beaches" for god's sake. If she was sitting next to me I'd put my arm around her. I can't be making a big move like going all the way over there. I can't. I won't.
Jerry: She calls me this morning and tells me she's upset I didn't console her. I mean it was "Beaches" for god's sake. What, what do you do in a situation like that?
George: Where were you?
Jerry: I was sitting on the chair. She was over here on the couch.
George: Well you know, if you were sitting right next to her you'd have to console her no matter what.
Jerry: Of course.
George: When you're talking about a movie like "Beaches", moving from the chair to the couch , . . . that's quite a voyage.
Jerry: yeah,
Kramer: Hey.
George: Hey. I gotta go.
Kramer: Where you going?
Jerry: The Improv is playing "Rochelle Rochelle" The musical.
Kramer: Really? What is Bette Midler playing? Is she going to be there?
Jerry: She might be. She's the star of the show.
Kramer: Bette Midler is going to be in the park today? Yeeee. Jerry, don't tease me.
George: I didn't know you were such a Bette Midler fan.
Kramer: So maybe I'll go down there and watch, uh? She'll be there, ,maybe.
George: Gennice palying today?
Jerry: Yeah, maybe.
Kramer: Who's Gennice?
Jerry: That's the understudy. I'm dating her.
Kramer: Oh, uh, is this uh, Bette Midler's understudy?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: Oh, understudies are a very shifty bunch. The substitute teachers of the theater world.
Jerry: I'm glad she's an understudy. I don't have to avoid going back stage and having to think of something to say.
George: Going backstage is the worst. Especially when they stink. You know that's a real problem.
Jerry: Just once I would like to tell someone they stink. You know what? I doidn't like the show. I didn't like you. It just really stunk. The whole thingreal bad. Stinkaroo. Thanks for the tickets though.
Ruby: You late.
Elaine: I know I know. I didn't have change for the bus and they don't give change in this city. So they threw me off the bus
Ruby: "That's a shame". You'll have to wait for Lotus now.
Elaine: How long do you think this will take. I have a millllioooon things to do.
Ruby: "Mustn't keep the princess waiting. Princess in a big hurry." "No change for bus" "Poor princess."
Elaine: What?, uh?
Ruby: Nothing, won't be long.
Lotus: "Princess wants a manicure."
Sunny: "Oh lucky me."
Lotus: "Oh, you got the princess."
Elaine: What is so funny?
Ruby: tell knock-knock joke.
Elaine: The Korean women were talking about me. I think they were calling me a dog.
Jerry: How would you know? You don't speak Korean.
Elaine: Because this woman came in with a dog and Ruby called the dog the same word they used when they were pointing at mege ge ge
Kramer: You know, maybe in Korean "dog" isn't an insult. Could be like the word "fox" to us. Oh, she's a DOG!
Jerry: Why don't you go to another nail shop?
Elaine: Because they're the best Jerry, the best. Look. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
Jerry: What you need is a translator to go in the shop with you and tell you what they're saying.
Elaine: Yeah, who speaks Korean?
Jerry: You know who speaks Korean?
Elaine: No, who?
Jerry: George's father.
Elaine: You gotta' be kidding me. How does he speak Korean?
Jerry: He used to go there a lot on business.
Elaine: What did he do?
Jerry: He sold religious articles the statues of Jesus, the virgin Mary, that were manufactured in Korea.
Elaine: Uh,
Jerry: George, does your father speak Korean?
George: Yeah, he once bumped into reverend Yung Sun Moon.
Jerry: Oh, hi Gennice.
Gennice: Hi Jerry.
Jerry: This is George, this is Kramer.
Gennice: Nice to meet you.
Jerry: Playing today?
Gennice: No. I'm on the bench today.
Jerry: They really stick to that understudy rule.
Kramer: So she's coming?
Gennice: Oh, yeah, she'll be here. . . .(DROPS HOT DOG) Oh no, my frankfurter, my frankfurter fell (sob sob sob sob) . It was really good. I can't believe that I dropped it. (sob sob sob sob)
Jerry: It's okayit's just a hot dog, (still sobbing) everything is going to be okay.
Gennice: No it (sob) was really good.
Kramer: Look it's Bette It's Bette! Ah, Ah, AH, . . . Bette, psst, hi.
Bette: Hi.
Kramer: Uh, I just want to say I think you're wonderful.
Bette: Uh, thank you.
Kramer: Yeah, I've seen you in everything you've done.
Bette: Really?
Kramer: Anything I can get you? Water? They got ice over here.
Bette: What flavours do they have?
Kramer: Chocolate, Lemon, and uh, Cherry.
Bette: How about Pineapple?
Kramer: Pineapple, sure, alright, I'll be right back.
Ice Cream Vender #1: No pineapple. Just Cherry, Lemon and Tutti-Frutti
Kramer: Oh, uh, uh. (Leaves)
Elaine: Anyway, Mr. Costanza, what I want you to do is to come to the shop with me and tell me what they are saying. You do speak Korean?
Frank: I once talked to the reverend Yung Son Moon. He bought two Jesus statues from me. He's a hell of a nice guy.
Elaine: uh, ha.
Frank: Ever see that face on him? Like a Biiig apple pie.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah. Uh, uh listen Mr. Costanza, if uh, if you do this for me I'll get you a manicure, I'll pay for it. Or you can get a pedicure if you want.
Frank: No one is touching my feet. Between you and me, Elaine, I think I've got a foot odour problem.
George: I watched "Beaches" on cable last night. (wings?) Give me a break.
Bette: Get some talent then you can mouth off.
Umpire: Strike three.
Bette: What? Are you blind?
Umpire: What?
Bette: Nothing, nothing.
Frank: I had an affair with a Korean woman.
Elaine: Uh, Mr. Costanza, I
Frank: No, I feel I need to unburden myself. I loved her very deeply. But the clash of cultures was too much. Her family would not accept me.
Elaine: Mr. Costanza, I,
Frank: Maybe it was because I refused to take off my shoes. Again, the foot odour problem. Her father would look at me and say, " eno enoa juang ". Which means, "this guy - this is not my kind of guy".
Ice Cream Vender #2: Sure I got Pineapple.
Bette: Move it in. Move in everybody. Get your shrimp here. Shrimp on special today!
Jerry: Come on George, just loosen up.
Jerry: Come on George.
Kramer: I GOT THE PINEAPPLE. I GOT THE PINEAPPLE.
Jerry: (to George) Keep going.
George: Aaaaaah
Umpire: SAFE!
George: come on it's just a game.
Kramer: (holding bette) Don't worry Kramer is going to take care of everything. See,, I got you Pineapple. I saw Beaches last night for the fourth time (sings) "You are the wind"
Tv: the show will go on but not Bette Midler. While playing softball in the park Ms. Midler was injured when another player thoughtlessly rammed her at home plate. All captured on amateur video tape. She will be out for two weeks from her Broadway show; Rochelle Rochelle - The Musical.
Gennice: . . . Thank you. (hugs Jerry and George)
Jerry: Well we
Gennice: No, please. This is the first time in my life (sobs) that anyone has ever done anything like this for me. I've always had to struggle so hard for everything I ever got. (sobbing) and I know this is going to be my big break. (sobbing)
Jerry: (with no emotion) It's okay. Everything is going to be all right.
Kramer: Come on Jerry, open up. I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!
Jerry: Come back another time.
Kramer: SO...you're all in here together. How convenient. I hope you're all proud of yourselves.
Kramer: So my dear you think you can get to Broadway. Well, let me tell you something. Broadway has no room for people like you. Not the Broadway I know. My Broadway takes people like you and eats them up and spits them out. My Broadway is the Broadway of Merman, and Martin, and Fontaine, and if you think you can build yourself up by knocking other people down... ...GOOD LUCK... (exits)
Elaine: Hi everyone. Um, this is my friend, Frank.
Ruby: What would you like today? Manicure, Pedicure?
Frank: I'll take a manicure. I don't take my shoes off for anyone.
Ruby: "That's the least of his problems."
Frank: What was that?
Elaine: What'd they say? What'd they say?
Frank: They made a derogatory comment about me.
Ruby: "She's with a man twice her age." "He doesn't look like he's got much money either."
Lotus: "Check out that sweater". (all laughing)
Ruby: "I think I saw a moth fly out of a pocket."
Lotus: "What happened to his tail?"
Frank: Okay, THAT'S IT! "oki on awa" Where's my tail? I heard every word you said. You got some nerve.
Kim: That voice? It sounds so familiar. It reminds me of when I was ayoung girl in Korea and I met an American businessman. He was a very unusual man. Quick temperd with a strange halting way of speaking. We fell in love but when I brought him home to meet my father? He refused to take his shoes off. And there was a terrible fight.
Lotus: That man also refuses to take his shoes off.
Frank: (from other room) I never seen people treated like this!
Ruby: You brought in a spy! . . . Get Out!
Kim: Frank?
Frank: Kim?
Kramer: (on phone) A turkey sandwich. A side of slaw, you want whit e meat or dark?
Bette: White meat.
Kramer: Yeah, white meat. And if I see one piece of dark meat on there. It's your ass buster.
Bette: Get me one of those Black and White cookies.
Kramer: yeah, all right, yeah. (hangs up) They don't have any. But don't worry I'm going to get you one somewhere.
Bette: Good. Because if I don't get a Black and White cookie I'm not going to be very pleasant to be around.
Kramer: Now that's impossible.
Elaine: (sob sob) (bumps into man with an umbrella) I don't even know where I'm going.
Peterman: That's the best way to get someplace you've never been.
Elaine: yes, (sob) I suppose,
Peterman: Have you been crying?
Elaine: Yes, (sob) you see this (sob) woman, this manicurist,
Peterman: Oh no, that doesnt matter now. That's a very nice jacket.
Elaine: Uh, (sob) thanks.
Peterman: Very soft, huge button flaps, cargo pockets, draw string waist, deep biswing vents in the back perfect for jumping into a gondola.
Elaine: How do you know all that?
Peterman: That's my coat.
Elaine: You mean..?
Peterman: Yes, I'm J. Peterman.
Elaine: Oh!
Jerry: I don't know why I have to go to the hospital. I didn't do anything to Bette Midler. Driver can you stop over here, we're picking somebody up.
Gennice: Hey, I didn't do anything. I was never informed. YOU CAN ALL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL. You see that? You see what I am going through?
George: So what? Somebody dropped an egg on my head as I went into my building last night.
Jerry: Hey, I'm being heckled on stage. People are yelling out Galloogy.
Gennice: I'm having a little trouble with all this. I mean all I ever wanted to do is sing. Now I'm the focus of this big media frenzy. (sob) Nobody in the show will even talk to me.
Jerry: Stop your crying will ya?
Gennice: What?
George: You heard him.
Gennice: Oh, don't you you're the reason this whole thing happened.
George: Oh, yeah. I read what you said to the papers yesterday. You weren't in on the planing. What planning? YOU THINK WE PLANED THIS? Uh?
Cabbie: Wait. Wait. I know you. You knocked Bette Midler out of Rochelle Rochelle the Musical. I want you creeps out of my cab.
Jerry: Hey, I had nothing to do with it.
Cabbie: Get out of my cab. You should go to prison. You should be in prison for the rest of your life. Get out, each of you. Each and every one of you get out of my cab.
Peterman: Then in the distance I heard the bulls. I began running as fast as I could. Fortunately I was wearing my Italian Captoe Oxfords. Sophisticated yet different; nothing to make a huge fuss about. Rich dark brown calfskin leather. Matching leather vent. Men's whole and half sizes 7 through 13. Price $135.00.
Elaine: Oh, that's not too expensive.
Peterman: That shirt. Where did you get it?
Elaine: Oh, this innocent looking shirt has something which isn't innocent at all. Touchability! Heavy, silky Italian cotton, with a fine almost terrycloth like feeling. Five button placket, relaxed fit, innocence and mayhem at once.
Peterman: That's NOT bad!
Kim: Oh, Frank. So many years. If only you had taken your shoes off.
Frank: I couldn't because I had a potential foot problem.
Kim: I thought maybe you had a hole in your socks.
Frank: I wiped them for two minutes on the mat. I don't know why your father had to make a federal case out of it.
Kim: Anyway that is all in the past. We have our whole future ahead of us.
Frank: Between you and me I think your country is placing a lot of importance on shoe removal.
Kim: You short stop me? We don't do that in Korea! Take me home. Inever want to see you again.
Kramer: Hi, here. I made this for your. (gives her a pasta statue)
Bette: What is it?
Kramer: It's macaroni Midler.
Bette: Macaroni Midler?
Kramer: Yeah, see how you're singing?
Bette: yeah ha ha. Well you made a long journey from Milan to Minsk.
Kramer: oh, what's that from?
Bette: Oh, that's one of the songs from my show. Bette sings
Kramer: Oh You are so freaking talented.
Kramer: Oh, so look who's here. What do you want.
Jerry: We just want to talk to her. We want to apologize and tell her the whole thing was an accident.
Kramer: No, no. I'm sorry it's out of the question.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Bette is recuperating right now and I'm not going to allow anything to disturb her.
George: Who are you to decide?
Kramer: I'm calling the shots around here so there won't be anymore ACCIDENTS!
George: Hey, look, Kramer,
Kramer: AH! I don't want her disturbed.
Ruby: hello, Elaine.
Elaine: Hello
Lotus: We're so excited.
Elaine: You're welcome.
Ruby: We'll see you inside.
Jerry: What happened?
Elaine: Well I felt bad about the spying, so you know, ,I got them tickets to the show.
Jerry: Oh,, that's nice. Alright, I'll see you later.
Elaine: Wait, wait. I didn't get to tell you about my new job.
Jerry: Where?
Elaine: Writing for the J. Peterman catalogue.
Jerry: (pushing her) How did you get that?
Elaine: I met him.
Jerry: You met J. Peterman?
Elaine: yeah.
Jerry: What is he like?
Elaine: He wore a classic courtman's duster. beige corduroy collar, 100% cotton canvas, high waist, nine pockets, six on the outside, great for running along side a train, (Jerry walking away) waving last goodbyes, posing on a veranda, Men's sizes ...
Jerry: (walking away) Yeah, I'll see ya'.
Elaine: . . . Small, Medium, Large, XL, Double...
Jerry: Well, break a leg tonight.
Gennice: I'm really nervous.
Stagehand: Here you got a telegram. Well, look who's here.
Jerry: Listen buddy,
Stagehand: What are you going to do? Break my legs? You don't scare me. You or your goons.
Gennice: How do you like this?
Jerry: What is it?
Gennice: My grandmother died.
Jerry: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Gennice: Oh, it's okay,
Jerry: So you don't cry when your grandmother dies? But a hotdog makes you lose control?
Voice: (Off camera) Places everyone.
Gennice: I gotta go.
Jerry: Good luck.
Announcer: ladies and gentlemen for this evening's performance the part of Rochelle will be played by Gennice Grant.
Lotus: Gennice Glant?
Ruby: What happened to Bette Midler?
Elaine: Oh, she got hurt.
Ruby: No Bette Midler? (they talk Korean and all three leave)
Elaine: I, uh, wait,
Gennice: (singing and dancing) "It's a long journey from Milan to Minsk" (Shoe lace comes undone (even LOOKS like figure skates) wait wait. Hold it stop, (sob) I'm sorry, I have to start it over, my shoelace. (sob) I can't do it like this. Please let me start over. (sob) Please. (sob) Please. . . .


George: Well, you got no place to go. I'll tell you what your problem is You brought your queen out too fast. What do you think? She's one of these feminists looking to get out of the house? No, the queen is old fashioned. . Likes to stay home. Cook. Take care of her man. Make sure he feels good.
Liz: Checkmate.
George: I don't think we should see each other any more.
Elaine: Shut up! Shut up! You stupid mutt.
Jerry: And you broke up with her 'cuz she beat you at chess? That's pretty sick.
George: I don't see how I could perform sexually in a situation after something like that. I was completely emasculated. Anyway, it's not the only reason.
Jerry: Yeah, what else?
George: All right. You wanna know what one of her favorite expressions is? Happy, Pappy?
Jerry: Happy, Pappy? What does that mean?
George: Like if she wants to know if I'm pleased with something, she'll say, "Happy, Pappy?"
Jerry: Oh, you're "Pappy".
George: I'm "Pappy".
Jerry: Oh, I get it. Why don't you just say it?
George: Oh, come on. What, are you kidding? GEORGE I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind there backs. Anyway, look who's talking. You just broke up with with Melanie last week because she "shuushed you" while you were watching TV.
Jerry: Hey, I got a real thing about "shushing"!
George: What is this? Did you ever get the feeling like you've had a haircut but you didn't have one? I'm all itchy back here.
Jerry: Ahh.
George: What?
Jerry: What is this? What are we doing? What in god's name are we doing?
George: What?
Jerry: OUR LIVES!! . What kind of lives are these? We're like children. We're not men.
George: No, we're not. We're not men.
Jerry: We come up with all these stupid reasons to break up with these women.
George: I know. I know. That's what I do. That's what I do.
Jerry: Are we going to be sitting here when we're sixty like two idiots?
George: . We should be having dinner with our sons when we're sixty.
Jerry: We're pathetic you know that?
George: Yeah, Like I don't know that I'm pathetic.
Jerry: Why can't I be normal?
George: Yes. Me, too. I wanna be normal. Normal.
Jerry: It would be nice to care about someone.
George: Yes. Yes. Care. You know who I think about a lot? Remember SUSAN ? The one that used to work for NBC?
Jerry: Hmm. I thought she became a lesbian.
George: No. It didn't take.
Jerry: Oh.
George: Did I tell you I ran into her last week? Ho-ho, she looked great.
Jerry: Hmm.
George: You thought she was good looking, right?
Jerry: See, there you go again. What is the difference what I think?
George: I was just curious.
Jerry: Well, this is it. I'm really gonna do something about my life, you know? You know, I think I'm gonna call Melanie again. So what if she shushed me. GEORGE, I am really gonna make some changes.
George: Yes. Changes.
Jerry: I'm serious about it.
George: Think I'M not?
Jerry: I'm not kidding.
George: Me, too.
[At Jerry: 's. He's on the phone]
Jerry: Melanie, you can shush me at every opportunity. 5? 3? Oh, it was just an expression. All right, well, that's very sweet of you. Okay, I'll call you later. All right, bye. Hey!
Kramer: What?
Jerry: I had a very interesting lunch with GEORGE Costanza today.
Kramer: Really?
Jerry: We were talking about our lives and we both kind of realized we're kids. We're not men.
Kramer: So, then you asked yourselves, "Isn't there something more to life?"
Jerry: Yes. We did.
Kramer: Yeah, well, let me clue you in on something. There isn't.
Jerry: There isn't?
Kramer: Absolutely not. I mean, what are you thinking about, JERRY? Marriage? Family?
Jerry: Well...
Kramer: They're prisons. Man made prisons. You're doing time. You get up in the morning. She's there. You go to sleep at night. She's there. It's like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. Is it all right if I use the bathroom now?
Jerry: Really?
Kramer: Yeah, and you can forget about watching TV while you're eating.
Jerry: I can?
Kramer: Oh, yeah. You know why? Because it's dinner time. And you know what you do at dinner?
Jerry: What?
Kramer: You talk about your day. How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, I don't know. How about you? How was your day?
Jerry: Boy.
Kramer: It's sad , Jerry. It's a sad state of affairs..
Jerry: I'm glad we had this talk.
Kramer: Oh, you have no idea.
George: La-la-la...
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Elaine: Three hours of sleep again last night.. Three hours of sleep because of that dog.
Kramer: What dog?
Kramer: Yeah. What dog?
Elaine: This dog in the courtyard across from my bedroom window that never never stops barking..
Kramer: Don't...
Elaine: I lost my voice screaming at this thing. I can't sleep. I can't work. I mean, I just moved. I can't move again. What am I gonna do? What? What am I gonna do?
Kramer: Well, there is something you can do.
Elaine: What? KRAMER, I'll do anything.
Kramer: Well, what if there should be an unfortunate accident?
Jerry: You're going to rub out the dog?
Kramer: No, no. Not me. I just happen to know someone who specializes in exactely these kinds of sticky situations.
Elaine: Uh-huh.
Jerry: What, you're considering this?
Kramer: Look, just meet with him. ?????.
Elaine: I don't really know why I'm here. Kramer talked me into coming up here. But, obviously, I could never really do anything.
Newman: Of course. Obviously.
Elaine: Uh, so, anyway, I'm sorry for wasting your time.
Newman: What kind of dog did you say it was?
Elaine: Um, I don't know. I've never really seen it.
Newman: I see many dogs on my mail route. I'll bet there's not one type of mutt or mongrel I haven't run across.
Newman: If you ask me, they have no business living amongst us. Vile, USELESS BEASTS . . .
Kramer: NEWMAN ! Stop it!!
Newman: Anyway.
Elaine: Yeah. Well um, I was just curious if I were interested in availing myself of your services, um, what exactly would you do?
Newman: Well, ELAINE, There's any number of things I could do. But, I can promise you this, though, this vicious beast will never bother you again. So, what's it going to be?
Elaine: No, I'm sorry. I can't hurt a dog. I can't hurt a dog. I can't.
Kramer: I got it. We'll kidnap him . and we'll drop him off Upstate and this way he won't bother you anymore and he won't get hurt.
Newman: Yeah, I suppose.
Kramer: Huh?
Elaine: I'd have to think about it. I doubt it, though. I doubt it. I'll let you know.
Newman: Of course. Take your time. I be here.
[George: is still at the pier. His thoughts shift somewhat.]
George: La-la-la-la-la-la-la! [flashbacks to Susan]
Elaine: All right. Let's do it.
Newman: Excellent. Excellent.
Jerry: How come you're eating your peas one at a time?
Melanie: I'm sorry.
Susan: Who is it?
George: It's GEORGE.
Susan: GEORGE? GEORGE, what is it?
George: Will you marry me?
George: Ma, guess what!
Mrs. Costanza: Oh, my god!
George: No, it's nothing bad. I'm getting married.
Mrs. Costanza: You're what?
George: I'm getting married?
Mrs. Costanza: Oh, my god! You're getting married?
George: Yes!
Mrs. Costanza: Oh, I can't believe it. FRANK, come here.
Frank: You come here.
Mrs. Costanza: Georgie's getting married.
Frank: What?
Mrs. Costanza: Georgie's getting married.
Frank: Get the hell out of here. He's getting married?
Mrs. Costanza: Yes.
Frank: To a woman?
Mrs. Costanza: Of course to a woman. What's she look like?
Frank: I'm sure she's pretty gorgeous.
George: What difference does it make what she looks like?
Mrs. Costanza: Is she pretty?
George: Yes, she's pretty. What difference does it make?
Mrs. Costanza: Oh, I'm just curious.
Frank: She's not pretty?
Mrs. Costanza: Let me talk to her.
George: She wants to talk to you.
Susan: Uh, hello?
Mrs. Costanza: Congratulations!
Susan: I just want you to know that I love your son very much.
Mrs. Costanza: You do?
Susan: Yes.
Mrs. Costanza: Really?
Susan: Yes.
Mrs. Costanza: May I ask why?
Frank: Okay...
Mrs. Costanza: Will you stop. I'm on the telephone.
Frank: Can I talk to her, please?
Jerry: Hey!
Kramer: Hey!
Jerry: What are you up to?
Kramer: Nothing.
Jerry: What's the rope for?
Kramer: Oh! Well, How do you like that. I got rope. Um, I gotta go.
Jerry: The dog. You're getting the dog.
George: Hey, Kramer, where are you going?
Kramer: Out.
George: Don't go. Kramer! Come back. I got great news. Well, I did it.
Jerry: Did what?
George: I got engaged. I'm getting married. I asked Susan to marry me. We're getting married this Christmas.
Jerry: You're getting married?
George: Yes!
Jerry: Oh, my god!
George: I'm a man. Jerry, I'm a man. And do you know why? It's because of that talk we had. You were my inspiration. Do you believe it? You. That lunch was the defining moment of my life.
Jerry: I'm blown away.
George: You're blown?
Jerry: Wow!
George: You like that?
Jerry: And she said "Yes"?
George: It took a couple of hours of convincing. I was persistent. I was just like those guys in the movies. And it worked! She said "Yes"! I can't believe my luck that she was still available . A beautiful woman like that. You think she's good looking, right?
Jerry: You're gonna have gorgeous kids.
George: Yes. She's got great skin - a rosy glow..
Jerry: Pinkish hue?
George: Oh, she's got the hue. So, what's going on with you and Melanie? I mean, I know you're not getting married, but uh, things are happening?
Jerry: Well...actually, we kind of broke up.
George: You what?
Jerry: Well, you know, we were having dinner the other night, and she's got this strangest habit. She eats her peas one at a time. You've never seen anything like it. It takes her an hour to finish them. I mean, we've had dinner other times. I've seen her eat Corn Niblets. But she scooped them.
George: . . . she scooped her niblets?
Jerry: Yes. That's what was so vexing.
George: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What about the pact?
Jerry: What?
George: What happened to the pact? We were both gonna change. We shook hands on a pact. Did you not shake my hand on it uh?
Jerry: You stuck your hand out, so I shook it. I don't know about a pact. Anyway, you should be happy you're engaged. You're getting married.
George: Well, it's not that. I just, you know, I thought that we were both uh...
Jerry: You thought I was gonna get married?
George: Well, maybe not married, but...
Jerry: I mean, you love Susan, right?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: You want to spend the rest of your life with her
George: . . . . . . Yeah.
Jerry: So?
George: Yeah. It doesn't make any difference.
Jerry: No. So, we're still on to see uh, Firestorm tonight?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: I'll pick you up at your apartment. We'll go to the Eight.
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Hey, wait a second. Wait a second. ! Celebrate! How about some champagne?
George: Champagne?
Jerry: Yes, come on! How often do you get engaged? Come on!
George: Okay! Alright!
Jerry: You know what? No champagne. Anyway. . . I'll see you later.
George: Yeah.
Elaine: That's it. That's it. Stop right here.
Newman: All right, give me the rope.
Elaine: What? What do you need a rope for?
Newman: Look, I don't have time to explain every little thing to you.
Elaine: I don't know. Now, I'm thinking maybe we shouldn't do this.
Newman: I knew you'd back out.
Elaine: KRAMER, are we doing a bad thing?
Kramer: Well, Look at it this way. We drop the dog off in front of somebody's house in the country. They find it and adopt it. Now the dog is prancing in the fields. Dancing and prancing. Fresh air. . Dandelions. We're doing this dog a huge favor.
Elaine: Yeah. That's him.
Newman: All right. I'm going in. Keep the motor running.
Jerry: Ready?
George: Um, I don't uh, really think I can go.
Jerry: Oh, how come?
George: Well, I didn't really tell Susan about it, and she doesn't really have anything else to do.
Jerry: Well, she could come.
George: Well, she doesn't really want to see Firestorm.
Jerry: Oh.
George: She um, she wants to see The Muted Heart.
Jerry: Oh, The Muted Heart. Glen Close. Sally Field. Well, that should be good.
George: Yeah. see you later.
Jerry: Hey, wait a second. You know, we could share a cab. They're playing at the same Cineplex.
Susan: George, better get ready.
George: I am ready.
Susan: You wearing that shirt?.
George: Okay, I guess I'll see you down there.
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Okay.
Elaine: What time you got?
Kramer: Oh, no. I don't wear a watch.
Elaine: What do you do?
Kramer: Well, I tell time by the sun.
Elaine: How close do you get?
Kramer: Well, I can guess within an hour.
Elaine: Tsk. Well, I can guess within the hour, and I don't even have to look at the sun.
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: Well, what about at night? What do you do then?
Kramer: Well, night's tougher but it's only a couple of hours.
Newman: Let's go. Let's go. Move!
Kramer: You got it?
Newman: What do you think? Drive. Drive.
Elaine: Where is it? Where is it? This? This is the dog?
Newman: Yep.
Elaine: But he's so small.
Newman: Yeah, but he's a fighter.
Elaine: That can't be the dog. Are you sure you got the right one?
Newman: Look, you said the one in the second courtyard. He was in the second courtyard.
Elaine: How could that be the dog?
Kramer: Well, get him to bark.
Elaine: Yeah. Yeah. I'll know if he barks.
Newman: All right. Bark.
Elaine: Bark.
Newman: Bark.
Susan: Did you like it?
George: Yes, it was very, very good.
Susan: Oh, do you think he'll ever find her again?
George: Oh, I sure hope so.
Jerry: How about when Harrison Ford jumped out of that plane, and he was shooting back at them as he was falling?
Friend: What about that underwater escape?
Jerry: Oh, man!
Kramer: Let's turn the radio on. Maybe there's a news report about it.
Newman: ???????
Elaine: You think we're far enough.
Newman: We're practically to Monticello.
Kramer: Yeah. This looks right. All right. Give me the dog. Okay, boy. This is it. This is your new home. Let go of my shirt. Come on. Let go of my shirt. This shirt is from Rudy's.
George: Hello?
Jerry: Hey, ??? is rerunning the Yankee game. You watching this?
George: They are?
Susan: GEORGE, you coming to bed? I'm taping Mad About You.
George: Uh, yeah, I'll be there in a minute.
Jerry: What was that?
George: Uh, nothing. I got to go.
Jerry: Oh, Mattingly just singled .
George: You know, it was really wrong of you to back out on that deal.
Jerry: I didn't make a deal. I just shook your hand.
George: Yeah, Well that's a deal where I come from.
Jerry: We come from the same place.
Susan: GEORGE, I'm starting it.
George: I got to go.
Lady: Roxy! Where have you been? We've been worried sick about you. What's this? Hmm. Rudy's.
Elaine: No! No! It's impossible. It's impossible.
Elaine: I don't know. I don't know how it happened. We were practically in Monticello. I mean, how could that thing have found its way back? There's no way.
Jerry: Very strange.
Elaine: I know.
Jerry: So, tell me anyway. Who was the BIG mastermind?
Elaine: Oh, I can't Jerry. 4I'm sworn to secrecy.
Jerry: All right. But then I can't tell you the BIG news.
Elaine: News? What news?
Jerry: Sorry!
Elaine: What? What?
Jerry: All right, Elaine but this is beyond news. This is like Pearl Harbor. Or the Kennedy assassination. It's like not even news. It's total shock.
Elaine: Oh, come on, Jerry. Please, please, please, please, please!
Jerry: George Costanza...
Elaine: Yeah?
Jerry: Is getting married!
Elaine: Get out!
Kramer: Hi.
Cop: You Cosmo Kramer?
Kramer: Uh, yes. Yeah.
Cop: You recognize this piece of fabric?
Kramer: Oh, yeah, that's...
Cop: What?
Kramer: What?
Cop: You're under arrest.
Kramer: Arrest?
Cop: I have a receipt for a rental car with your signature. Including a report with some damage to the rear seat. It seems the spring was so compressed it completely collapsed the right side..
Jerry: Newman.
Newman: What took you so long?
Kramer: Hey, what do you think they'll do to us?
Newman: Ah, don't worry about a thing. In twenty minutes that place'll be swarming with mailmen. We'll be back on the street by lunch.
Elaine: I gotta make some changes. I'm not a woman. I'm a child. What kind of life is this?


Elaine: Hey, good news. My dog problem has been solved.
Jerry: Really? What happened?
Elaine: Well, there's this rabbi in my building. You've met him. Very nice man.
Jerry: Isn't he the one with the show on cable?
Elaine: Yea, yeah, yeah,. So I spoke to him about the dog. He went down. Talked to the owner. She agr4eed to keep the dog inside from now on.
Jerry: That's great.
Elaine: I know.
Jerry: That looks pretty good.
Elaine: He's in.
Jerry: Hey, say, you know, we haven't even discussed George's engagement yet.
Elaine: What's to discuss?
Jerry: Come on! GEORGE is getting married!
Elaine: Is he happy?
[At The Restaurant! George: is coming from the bathroom to sit with his bride-to-be.]
George: I will never understand the bathrooms in this country. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor?
Susan: Well, maybe it's so you can see if there's someone in there.
George: Isn't that why we have locks on the doors?
Susan: Well, as a backup system, in case the lock is broken, you can see if it's taken.
George: A backup system? We're designing bathroom doors with our legs exposed in anticipation of the locks not working? That's not a system. That's a complete breakdown of the system.
Susan: Can we change the subject, please?
George: Why? What's wrong with the subject? This is a bad subject?
Susan: No, fine. If you wanna keep talking about it, we'll talk about it.
George: It's not that I want to keep talking about it? just think that the subject should resolve itself based on its own momentum.
Susan: Well, I didn't think that it had any momentum.
George: (To himself) How am I gonna do this? I'm engaged to this woman? She doesn't even like me. Change the subject? Toilets were the subject. We don't even share the same interests.
Jerry: Yeah, he seems pretty happy.
Elaine: Well, that's all that counts, I guess.
Jerry: What's the matter?
Elaine: Oh, nothin'.
Jerry: Well, you don't seem too enthused about the whole thing.
Elaine: Well, what do you want me to do?
Jerry: Well, at least have some reaction to it.
Elaine: Well, I don't.
Jerry: Maybe you're a little jealous.
Elaine: Oh, what? You think I wanna marry George?
Jerry: No! But maybe you wish it was you who was getting married, not him.
Elaine: Oh, please! That is the last thing that I want.
Jerry: Oh, yeah. Right.
Elaine: Yeah, right.
Jerry: Lainy!
Elaine: Jerry!
Jerry: You don't wanna get married?
Elaine: Yeah, that's right. I don't wanna get married.
Jerry: Oh, come on!
Elaine: Oh, you come on.
Jerry: You're such...
Kramer: Oh, hey!
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Elaine, listen, I was talking to a friend about this dog business. Do you realize this is gonna be on our permanent records? Are you aware of this?
Elaine: Oh, dear.
Kramer: It can never be erased. It'll follow us wherever we go for the rest of our lives. I'll never be able to get a job. I mean, doesn't that concern you? Everything I've worked for...down the drain because of one stupid mistake. I mean, aren't we entitled to make one mistake in our lives, Jerry?
Jerry: We're gonna change the system.
Kramer: Yes!
Elaine: Well, I could care less. I hope it is on our record. I'm just sorry they didn't lock me up.
Elaine: Oh, hello, Rabbi Krischma.
Rabbi: ELAINE! Always a pleasure to see you.
Elaine: Thanks again for taking care of that dog for us.
Rabbi: Elaine, often times in life there are problems, and just as often there are solutions.
Elaine: Yeah, I suppose.
Rabbi: Elaine, you don't seem yourself today. You seem, if I may say, troubled.
Elaine: No, Rabbi, I'm not myself.
Rabbi: Come upstairs. We'll have a talk.
Jerry: Hey!
George: I want your honest opinion about something.
Jerry: Have I ever been less than forthright?
George: No, you haven't. Well, maybe you have. What do I know.
Jerry: Yeah, I probably have. Yeah, of course I have. What am I talking about?
George: All right. Okay, tell me what you think about this idea Extend the doors on the toilet stalls at Yankee Stadium all the way to the floor.
Jerry: Extend the doors on the toilet stalls at Yankee Stadium to the floor ...door comes down. Hides your feet. Yes. I like it. I like it a lot.
George: It's good, right?
Jerry: I think it's fantastic. I think it's a fantastic idea.
George: You do?
Jerry: Yes, I do.
George: Well, I told it to Susan before, and she didn't like it.
Jerry: Hmm.
George: Yeah. Not only that, this is what she said to me, "Can we change the subject?"
Jerry: See, now that I don't care for.
George: Right. I mean, we're on a subject. Why does it have to be changed?
Jerry: It should resolve of its own volition.
George: That's exactly what I said, except I used the word "momentum".
Jerry: Momentum - same thing.
George: Same thing. My god, I'm getting married in December, do you know that?
Jerry: Yeah, I know.
George: Well, I don't see how I'm gonna make December. I mean, I need a little more time. I mean, look at me I'm a nervous wreck. My stomach aches. My neck is killing me. I can't turn. Look. Look.
Jerry: You're turning.
George: Nah, it's not a good turn. December. December. Don't you think we should have a little more time just to get to know each other a little.
Jerry: If you need more time, you should have more time.
George: What, you think I could postpone it?
Jerry: Sure you can. Why not?
George: That's allowed? You're allowed to postpone it?
Jerry: I don't see why not.
George: So, I could do that?
Jerry: Sure, go ahead.
George: All right! All right. I'll tell you what. How about this? Got the date; March 21st, the first day of spring.
Jerry: Spring. Of course.
George: Huh? You know? Spring. Rejuvenation. Rebirth. Everything's blooming. All that crap.
Jerry: Beautiful.
George: She's not gonna like it.
Jerry: No, she's not.
George: You know, I think I'm a little bit scared of her. She's five-three, like a hundred pounds. I'm frightened to death of her.
Jerry: Well, she's a woman. They don't like to be disappointed.
George: Especially her. She does not like disappointment. Well, I have to do it. I can't make December. There's no way I can make December. Right? I mean, you can see that, right? I mean, look at me. Look. Look. Can I make December? I can't make December. Right? Look. Look.
Jerry: Yeah, you'd better shoot for March.
Kramer: Hey, hey.
George: March 21st. Hey! So, you're gonna back me on this, right?
Jerry: Oh, all the way.
George: You are a good friend. You know what? Even if you killed somebody I wouldn't turn you in.
Jerry: Is that so?
Jerry: Hey, Kramer if I killed somebody would you turn me in?
Kramer: Definitely.
Jerry: You're kidding?
Kramer: No, no, I would turn you in.
Jerry: You would turn me in?
Kramer: Phwap, I wouldn't even think about it.
Jerry: I can't believe your a friend of mine.
Kramer: What kind of person are you going around killing people?
Jerry: Well, I am sure I had a good reason.
Kramer: Well,, if you'll kill this person, who's to say I wouldn't be next?
Jerry: But you know me!
Kramer: I thought I DID!
Elaine: I'm not a very religious person but I do feel as if I'm in need of some guidance here.
Rabbi: Would you care for a snack of some kind? I have the Snackwells which are very popular but I think that sometimes with the so called fat free cookies people may overindulge forgetting they may be high in calories
Elaine: Thank you I am not very hungry. Anyway, um, this friend of mine, George, got engaged .
Rabbi: How wonderful.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, well, for some reason, um, I just find myself just overcome with feelings of jealousy and resentment.
Rabbi: Doesn't it give you any joy to see your friend enter into this holiest of unions?
Elaine: No, no, no it doesn't. No joy no joy whatsoever. Just the whole think makes me . . sick.
Rabbi: You know, Elaine, very often we cannot see the forest for the trees.
Elaine: Yeah, I don't know what that means.
Rabbi: Well, for example, say there's a forest, . . .
Elaine: You see the thing is we It should have been me. You know, I'm smart. I'm attractive.
Rabbi: You know my temple has many single functions.
Elaine: No, no, it's okay.
Rabbi: My nephew Alex is someone who is also looking perhaps
Elaine: I don't think so.
Rabbi: He owns a flower store. Very successful.
Jerry: So you're nothing but a stoolie. Admit it.
Kramer: Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
Jerry: Another Caf Latte?
Kramer: You better believe it.
Kramer: Since when are you so trendy?
Jerry: Hey, baby. I set the trends. Who do you think started this whole Caf Latte?
Jerry: I don't recall you drinking Caf Latte.
Kramer: I've been drinking Caf Latte since the fifth grade and I haven't looked back.
Jerry: Hey, Planet 9 From Outer Space is playing tomorrow night. One show only.
Kramer: I've always wanted to see this.
Jerry: You know I was supposed to see this five years ago. I was in a Chinese restaurant with George and Elaine and got all screwed up trying to get a table and I missed it.
Kramer: Well, yeah, lets do it uh?
Jerry: Look at this Jerry, dropping paper on the ground. That's littering.
Jerry: Maybe you better call the cops and turn me in.
Kramer: Maybe I will.
George: Hi,
Susan: How was your day?
George: Good, good day. How was your day?
Susan: Mine was okay. So what's goin' on?
George: Oh, nothin' much. I went over to jerry's, uh, talked to Jerry.
Susan: Oh, the Lowers want to get together with us on Friday night.
George: The Lowers, really?
Susan: You don't want to go?
George: No, I want to go.
Susan: So what did Jerry have to say?
George: Oh, nothin' much, . . . talkin'. . . . Oh, oh, oh, did I have an unbelievable idea today!
Susan: Oh, yeah, the toilets. You told me.
George: Yeah, ha ha, It's not the toilets, it's not the toilets. It's something else. Are you ready for this?
Susan: Yeah.
George: Okay, how about this? All right, we get married March 21st, the first day of Spring.
Susan: What do you mean? You want to postpone the wedding?
George: No, no no it's not about postponing. I just think the first day of Spring is the perfect day to get married. You know, Spring! Rejuvenation! Rebirth! Everything is blooming all the
Susan: If you don't want to marry me, George, just say so. (crying) Say so.
George: Still marry , still marry.
Susan: You don't love me.
George: Sstill love. Still love.
Susan: My parents told me you were too neurotic and that I was making a mistake.
George: No no no, no mistake, no mistake. No, no , listen, we're going to get married over Christmas, I It doesn't make any difference to me. It's fine. Really.
Susan: Are you sure?
George: Yeah, yeah, sure, Christmas. Snow. Santa. All that stuff.
Jerry: Let me take a guess. She cried and you caved.
George: How did you know that?
Jerry: I live and breath my friend. . . . I live and breath.
George: I got to tell you I felt terrible. I really thought she was going to collapse and kill herself.
Jerry: tes, it's very difficult. Few men have the constitution for it. That's why breakups take two or three tries. You gotta build up your immunity.
George: You see those tears streaming down you don't know what to do. It was like she was on fire and I was trying to put her out.
Jerry: Well, at least you probably had some, uh, pretty good make-up sex after.
George: I didn't have any sex.
Jerry: You didn't have make-up sex? How could you not have make-up sex? I mean that's the best feature of the heavy relationship.
George: I didn't have make-up sex.
Jerry: In your situation the only sex you're going to have better than make-up sex is if you're dent to prison and you have a conjugal visit.
George: Yeah, conjugal visit sex. That is happening!
Woman: (crying)
Man: I can tell you're very upset but I'm sorry I'm not goin'
George: Did you here that? I can't believe this he's eating his sandwich.
Man: Are you going to eat thoise fries?
George: This is amazing. (George gets up to leave and shake's man's hand) Thank you. Thank you very much. . . . I'm going back in! . . . You'll feel better (to woman)
Jerry: . . . Poor bastard.
Jerry: Good evening, Rabbi.
Rabbi: Good evening. And how does this evening find you?
Jerry: Well, Rabbi, well.
Rabbi: I trust you are here to see your friend, Elaine.
Jerry: Yeah, that's right.
Rabbi: I hope she's feeling better.
Jerry: What do you mean?
Rabbi: She didn't tell you?
Jerry: No.
Rabbi: Well it seems the engagement of her ffriend George has left her feeling bitter and hostile.
Jerry: is that so?
Rabbi: Yes, in fact she told me that she wishes she was the one getting married.
Jerry: Really?
Rabbi: She came off as pretty desperate.
Jerry: I didn't know any of this.
Rabbi: Apparently she doesn't think much of this George fellow either. I recall the word loser peppered throughout her conversation.
Jerry: Hum, well it all comes as news to me.
George: (enters) Hi.
Susan: Hi, how was your day?
George: Good, good day. How was your day?
Susan: Ah, it was okay. What's going on?
George: Oh, nothing much. You know, I went over to Jerry's. Talked to Jerry. Um, could I talk to you for a minute?
Susan: Yeah, sure.
George: You see this is the thing. . . . (crying) I just feel . . . mumble, cry, mumble, . . . I'm scared. You and I together, (cry)
Susan: George, of course, of course it can wait until march if that is what you want.
George: Yeah?
Susan: Oh, don't worry your head. Of course.
George: All right. (smiles behind her back)
Elaine: I've got that magazine article for you.
Jerry: You iknow I talked to the rabbi outside.
Elaine: Are you
Jerry: Understand you had a little talk with him too.
Elaine: Yeah, talked earlier.
Jerry: Yes I know, I know.
Elaine: . . . What does that mean?
Jerry: Nothing, nothing.
Elaine: He didn't mention . . .
Jerry: Yes he did.
Elaine: He told you about our conversation?
Jerry: We had quite a little chat.
Elaine: He told you about . . .
Jerry: Yes, about how you're very jealous of George. How you wished it was you who were getting married instead of him.
Elaine: He told you all that? How could he?
Jerry: It didn't take much prodding either, I must say.
Elaine: Can he do that?
Jerry: He did it.
Elaine: But he's a Rabbi! How can a Rabbi have such a big mouth?
Jerry: That's what's so fascinating.
Jerry: You better finish your little caf latte there. They won't let you in with it.
Kramer: Why not?
Jerry: Because they don't allow outside drinks into the movie.
Kramer: Well that's stupid
Jerry: That's the rule.
Kramer: Well, we'll just see if we can't get around that.
Rabbi: Oh, Elaine. Come in. Come in. So nice to see you again.
Elaine: Yeah
Rabbi: Can I offere you some Kasha Varnishkas?
Elaine: No, no. Listen, Rabbi, I'd like to ask you a question. Why, why did you tell my friend Jerry what I talked to you about?
Rabbi: Was that a problem for you?
Elaine: Of course it was a problem for me. . . . You didn't, you didn't tell anyone else about this, did you?
Rabbi: Well, let's see? I seem to recall a conversation with Mrs. Winston in 1F.
Elaine: Mrs. Winston?
Rabbi: Yes, we were waiting for our mail to arrive and I happened to mention to her how you felt that it was never going "to happen" for you.
Elaine: What about Don Ramsey? You didn't mention anything to him did you?
Rabbi: Don Ramsey?
Elaine: You know that tall really good looking guy, he lives on the fifth floor.
Rabbi: Oh him! Well this morning I found myself in the elevator with him
Elaine: my god, you didn't.
Jerry: Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me
Kramer: Oh, yow, oow Ah!
Usher: Hey, hey, what's going on? What just happened here?
Kramer: Nothing Nothing.
Usher: Whatya got? One of those Caf Latte's in your shirt?
Kramer: I don't have anything. Ask him.
Usher: All right, come on Coffee Boy, bring it out.
Kramer: What?!
Usher: Here you go.
Kramer: Ow
Elaine: But the whole thing is a mess. He told everyone in the building. I met that cute guy on the fifth floor. I mean he could barely bring himself to nod.
Jerry: Elaine, if I could say a word here about Jewish people. That man in no way represents our ability to take in a nice piece of juicy gossip and keep it to ourselves.
Elaine: You didn't say this to George, did you?
Jerry: No, . . . about how you wish it was YOU who was getting married instead of him? Feelings of resentment, hostility?
Elaine: Yeah that! So, . . .
George: Hey oh.
Elaine: GEORGIE! CONGRATULATIONS! Oh, my god. I haven't seen you since it happened. I'm so happy for you.
George: Alright, thanks a lot.
Elaine: Oh, come on. You really, really deserve it.
George: Oh, deserve! I don't know if I deserve...I mean...
Elaine: Are you kidding? I have seen the changes in you the past couple of years. Man, you have grown. You've matured.
George: Well, I guess I'm getting older.
Elaine: Oh! Well, I just think it's wonderful. Honestly! I've gotta run, but um, please, please give my best to Susan.
George: Yeah.
Elaine: My most, just heartfelt congratulations.
George: Yeah. Thanks. Hey, listen, if you ever get a date, maybe the four of us could go out together sometime.
Elaine: Yes! Yes, yes. Sure.
George: Wait, as a matter of fact, wasn't there some guy in your building that you said you liked? He lived up on the fifth floor or something.
Elaine: Yes. Yes, yes. Yes.
George: Yeah! Boy, she is something, isn't she?
Jerry: Yeah, she's something else. Hey, so what happened? Did you hold your ground or...uh
George: Nope. I wept like a baby.
Jerry: What?
George: Well, I started to tell her and then all of the sudden, for some reason, I just burst into tears.
Jerry: You cried?
George: I bawled uncontrollably. I just poured my guts out. And I'll tell you, Jerry, it was incredible. I never realized how powerful these tears are. I could have postponed it another five years if I wanted to.
Jerry, George, & Kramer: Hey!
Jerry: Sorry about that movie-thing. I was joking around.
Kramer: Sorry? Are you kidding? You did me the biggest favor of my life. I spoke to a lawyer, we're suing for millions.
Jerry: Suing? What for?
Kramer: The coffee was too hot.
Jerry: It's supposed to be hot.
Kramer: Not THAT hot.
Rabbi: (On TV) The prophet Isaah tells us without friends our lives are empty and meaningless.
George: Wait. Whoa! That's the Rabbi from Elaine's building. I just met this guy the other day.
Rabbi: A young lady I know, let's call her Elaine, happened to find herself overwhelmed with feelings of resentment and hostility for her friend, let's call him George. She felt that George was somewhat of a loser and that she was the one who deserved to be married first. She also happened to mention to me that her friend had wondered if going to a prostitute while you're engaged is considered cheating. His feeling was they're never going to see each other again so what's the difference. But that is a subject for another sermon. Now, I'd like to close with a psalm.


[Setting: Booth at Monk's Cafe]
George: And then I hear this rabbi on television, I mean imagine.
Elaine: I'm really sorry George, I, I, I wasn't jealous of you. It was just the whole marriage thing.
George: Ya know, I was just a little surprised.
Jerry: Why would anyone eat canned fruit? I mean can anybody answer that?
George: What about all the loser stuff?
Elaine: I don't know where the rabbi got that. Ya know I never said that. I said "I've never seen you looser".
Jerry: I can see the can if you're in the army, but fresh fruit it's available, it's there, it's 2 aisles over.
George: (Gets up to leave) Well, scintillating as always.
Jerry: Where you going?
George: I'm going shopping with Susan.
Elaine: What kind of shopping?
George: Clothes shopping.
Elaine: Where are you going?
George: Ross'.
Elaine: Oh that's a nice store.
George: Yeah, it's her uncle's.
Jerry: Discount?
George: (As he leaves) One would hope.
[Setting: Jackie Child's Office]
Kramer: So ya know, my friend and I we were going to the movies and we stopped off and bought this cafe latte.
Jackie: (Agreeing) Hm Hm. Oh what is that like Italian coffee?
Kramer: Yeah that's right.
Jackie: Half milk, half coffee?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jackie: Hm Hm. You take a sip?
Kramer: Yes I did.
Jackie: Now when you took a sip, did you notice it was hot? Were you able to sip it in your normal fashion?
Kramer: No I wasn't able to sip it in my normal fashion.
Jackie: Hm Hm. All right, all right. You take big sips?
Kramer: Well I think I take a normal sip.
Jackie: O.K. You take normal sips. Nothing wrong with that. Then what happened?
Kramer: Well you know ahh, they don't allow outside drinks in the movie theater. So I had to put it in my shirt and sneak it in.
Jackie: Yeah, see they like to sell their own coffee.
Kramer: Yeah, now is that going to be a problem?
Jackie: Yeah that's going to be a problem. It's gonna be a problem for them. This a clear violation of your rights as a consumer. It's an infringement on your constitutional rights. It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous.
Kramer: It's definitely preposterous.
Jackie: So. Then what happened?
Kramer: Well ahh. I was trying to get to my seat and I had to step over someone and I kind of got pushed and it spilled on me.
Jackie: Was there a top on it?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jackie: Now did you put the top on or did they put the top on for you?
Kramer: No. They put the top on.
Jackie: And they made the top. You didn't make the top did you?
Jackie: (To secretary over intercom) Suzie. I want you to go down to Java World. Get me a cafe latte with a top. (To Kramer) We're gonna run some test on that top. Have you been to the doctor?
Kramer: Ah No no, I haven't.
Jackie: (To secretary over intercom) Suzie. Call Dr. Bison. Set up an appointment for Mr. Kramer here. Tell him it's from me.
Kramer: So ah, what do you think Mr. Chiles.
Jackie: Jackie.
Kramer: Jackie. I mean, we have a chance?
Jackie: Do we have a chance? You get me one coffee drinker on that jury, you gonna walk outta there a rich man.
[Setting: Ross' clothing store]
George: I don't like it, it's red. It it's too flashy.
Susan: Well you could use a little flash.
George: All right. Don't change me. Susan. Don't change me. Ya know there are a lot of woman that would love to be in your position right now.
Susan: Name one.
Mr Ross: So, you find anything?
Susan: Oh, he's impossible to shop for uncle Ned.
Mr Ross: I'm going on vacation to Costa Rica. Maybe I'll see you in a couple of weeks.
Susan: O.K.
Salesman: Excuse me Mr Ross.
George: See now this I don't get.
Susan: What?
George: The security guard.
Susan: What about him?
George: Why does he have to stand?
Susan: Because he's a security guard.
George: But I mean look at him. He's gotta be on his feet like that all day? That's brutal. I think I'm gonna say something to your uncle.
Susan: George, you just met him. Don't say anything to him.
George: Aren't you concerned about the security guard?
Susan: Not really. (Walks away)
George: (Thinking to himself) She's not concerned about the security guard. What kind of a person is this? I'm marrying a person who doesn't care that this man has to stand here 8 hours a day when he could easily be sitting.
Susan: All right George. (She puts the red shirt up to him again) What do you think?
[Setting: Elaine and Jerry are in Jerry's apartment.]
Jerry: So ah, what did you do last night?
Elaine: Nothing.
Jerry: I know nothing, but what did you actually do?
Elaine: Literally nothing. I sat in a chair and I stared.
Jerry: Wow. That really is nothing.
Elaine: I told ya.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Elaine: Hey.
Jerry: What are you all dressed up for?
Kramer: Oh I ah just came from a meeting with my lawyer.
Jerry: Oh yeah, how's that looking?
Kramer: Oh I'll tell you how it's looking. My lawyer Jackie says if there is one coffee drinker on that jury, (in a very high voice) I'm gonna be a rich man.
Elaine: That's despicable. How does he know how all coffee drinkers will vote? I'm a coffee drinker. If I was on that jury I wouldn't give you a nickel Kramer.
Kramer: Yeah, well you wouldn't be on that jury. He would have weeded you out.
Jerry: Frankly I'm surprised you're so litigious.
Kramer: Oh I can be quite litigious.
Elaine: What I mean who ever heard of this anyway? Suing a company because there coffee is too hot? Coffee is supposed to be hot.
Kramer: Yeah but Jackie says the top was faulty.
Elaine: (Mocking) Jackie says the top was faulty.
Kramer: Hey Maestro!
Maestro: Ah, Kramer.
Kramer: I'm in here. How's it going.
Maestro: Fine.
Jerry: Hi Bob.
Jerry: (Apologetically) Oh, I'm sorry. Maestro.
Kramer: Well, this is a surprise ha?
Maestro: I just wanted to drop off this Chinese balm for your burns. It's supposed to be great stuff. It's all herbal.
Kramer: Oh Maestro, you, what are you doing? You don't have to do this. Do you believe this Maestro?
Maestro: It's nothing.
Kramer: Yeah, ya know you haven't been around for a while.
Maestro: Oh yeah, I've been at my house in Tuscany.
Kramer: Oh Tuscany huh? Hear that Jerry? That's in Italy.
Jerry: I hear it's ah beautiful there.
Maestro: Well if you're thinking of getting a place there don't bother. There's really nothing available.
Jerry: (Surprised) Huh?
Maestro: (Seeing Elaine) Oh!
Elaine: Hello.
Maestro: Well Hello. And who might you be?
Elaine: I might be Elaine.
Jerry: This is a, Bob Cobb.
Kramer: Maestro.
Elaine: Oh, Maestro.
Maestro: It is my very great pleasure. (Kisses Elaine's hand)
Elaine: Enchante.
Maestro And Elaine (Simultaneously): Well I have to be going.
Elaine: Jinx buy me a coke.
Maestro: Oh. Love it when that happeneds.
Elaine: I know I know. That is so ahh ...
Maestro: Coincidental.
Elaine: Yeah, thanks. O.K. Bye you guys.
Maestro: Ciao.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah oh hey and a thanks for the balm. Yeah.
Kramer: You know you hurt the Maestro's feelings.
Jerry: Oh what, because I didn't call him Maestro?
Kramer: That's right.
Jerry: Ya know I feel a little funny calling somebody Maestro.
Kramer: Why?
Jerry: Because it's a stupid thing to be called.
Kramer: Jerry he's a conductor.
Jerry: Oh conductor. He conducts the Policeman's Benevolent Association Orchestra.
Kramer: Well, he's still a conductor.
Jerry: Well he sure worked pretty fast with Elaine.
Kramer: Oh, you should see him do 'Flight of the Bumble Bee'.
[Setting: Monks Cafe. George and Jerry are sitting across from each other]
Jerry: New shirt?
George: Yeah. You like it.
Jerry: No, not particularly.
George: Why, the color?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Too flashy?
Jerry: Yeah, it's burning my retina. Susan picked that out for you right?
George: (Obviously lying) No.
Jerry: (Reaches for a menu) All right what's it going to be here.
George: Let me ask you something. When you go into a store, does it bother you that they make the security guard just stand there all day?
Jerry: No.
George: See, didn't bother Susan either. That's why I'm different. I can sense the slightest human suffering.
Jerry: Are you sensing anything right now?
George: Let me just say this. It is inhumane to make a man stand on his feet, in one spot for eight hours a day. Why shouldn't he have a chair?
Jerry: Well, what about criminal activity? He's got to be alert.
George: What, he can't jump out of the chair? How long does that take? Here look at this. (he moves to the end of the booth) Here, watch. (stands up) Criminals. Boom. I'm up. (pretends he's shooting) Stop It! Stop It! Stop It!
Jerry: Maybe they offered him a chair and he turned it down.
George: Would you get out of here. Who's gonna turn down a chair? I would be very interested to know how he felt about all of this. Maybe I'll have a talk with him.
Jerry: I know you will.
Kramer: Hey, hey, hey, listen to this. Jackie just called.
George: Who?
Jerry: His lawyer.
Kramer: Yeah, Java World wants to settle.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Yeah, I'm gonna be rich.
Jerry: Why are they settling?
Kramer: Cause their afraid of bad publicity.
Jerry: All this because you spilled coffee on yourself?
Kramer: Yeah that's right.
George: (Very loud in the direction of a waiter) I'm gonna need a coffee here. Very hot! Boiling!
[Setting: Restaurant. Maestro and Elaine are talking)
Maestro: And then about four years ago I was on holiday in Tuscany.
Elaine: Uh ha.
Maestro: And I fell in love with this house.
Waiter: Are you ready to order?
Elaine: Oh God. What are you getting Bob?
Maestro: Good question. (to waiter) We'll need a few minutes.
Maestro: You know, I'm sorry but, I didn't mention it earlier but actually I preferred to be called Maestro.
Elaine: Excuse me?
Maestro: Well, ya know I am a conductor.
Elaine: Yeah, so?
Maestro: Oh I suppose it's O.K. for Leonard Burnstein to be called Maestro because he conducted the New York Philharmonic. So he gets to be called Maestro and I don't.
Elaine: Well, I mean don't you think that he was probably called Maestro while he was conducting, not in social situations. I mean his friends probably just called him Lenny.
Maestro: I happen to know for a fact, that he was called Maestro in social situations. I once saw him at a bar and someone came up to him and said "Hello Maestro, how about a beer". O.K. So that's a fact.
Elaine: Maestro huh? O.K. (laughing)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment. Jerry is at the refrigerator getting orange juice.]
Kramer: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry my burn is gone look.(shows Jerry the burn area).
Jerry: What do you mean?
Kramer: Well I put that Chinese balm on that the Maestro gave me. And look, it healed it.
Jerry: So?
Kramer: So? My lawsuit. I'm finished.
Jerry: I thought they wanted to settle.
Kramer: Well what happens if they want to see it?
Jerry: Then you're in a lot of trouble.
Kramer: Yeah!!
[Setting: Ross' clothing store. Guard is standing near entrance. George enters.]
George: (To guard) Tired?
Guard: No.
George: How come uh, no chair?
Guard: What?
George: I, I couldn't help but notice that uh you don't have a chair.
Guard: I don't need a chair.
George: No I didn't mean to imply that you did. You're obviously a very well proportioned individual. I was just wondering, have they ever offered you a chair?
Guard: Nope.
George: Would you like a chair?
Guard: I suppose if they gave me one I'd sit down.
George: Ah ha, Ah ha. You would, wouldn't you?
Guard: Obviously I'd rather sit than stand, if that's what your asking.
George: That's exactly my point.
Guard: Well who wouldn't?
George: Cause I tell you, frankly, I would like to walk in hear one day and find you sitting down. (Starts to walk out of the store) That would give me a lot of pleasure. Call me crazy.
[Setting: Back seat of a cab. Jackie and Kramer]
Jackie: You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on? You haven't even been to see the doctor. If your gonna put a balm on, let a doctor put a balm on.
Kramer: I guess I screwed up huh Jackie?
Jackie: Your damn right you screwed up. Where the hell did you get that damm balm anyway?
Kramer: The Maestro.
Jackie: The who? What are you talking about Maestro?
Kramer: My friend he's a conductor.
Jackie: Oh oh oh, so a Maestro tells you to put a balm on and you do it?
Kramer: Well my stomach was burning.
Jackie: I tell you what this is. This is a public humiliation.
Kramer: Well I didn't know the balm was gonna work.
Jackie: Do you know what a balm is? Have you ever seen a balm? Didn't you read the instructions?
Kramer: Well I ...
Jackie: (interrupts) No one can tell what a balm's gonna do. They're unpredictable.
Kramer: I'm sorry Jackie.
Jackie: (To cab driver) Pull over here driver this is it.
Kramer: (Motions with his head) Yeah, get over.
[Setting: Elaine and Jerry walking on the sidewalk in NYC]
Jerry: Did you have a good time?
Elaine: Yeah, he's very interesting. Did you know that Mozart died while he was writing 'The Requiem'.
Jerry: (Sarcastically) Yeah, everyone knows that, it was in Amadeus.
Elaine: Really?
Jerry: So what about the "Maestro" stuff. Did he make you call him Maestro.
Elaine: Yeah, I called him Maestro.
Jerry: You didn't mind?
Elaine: Well, I did at first, but actually I kind of got used to it.
Jerry: O.K. from now on I want you to call me "Jerry the Great".
Elaine: I am not calling you "Jerry the Great".
Jerry: Why not you call him Maestro.
Elaine: He is a Maestro.
Jerry: Well, I'm great.
Elaine: So you say.
Jerry: What about his house in Tuscany, he mention that?
Elaine: Yeah. (bragging) I'm invited.
Jerry: You know when I told him it was beautiful there, out of the clear blue sky he says there's nothing to rent. As if he doesn't want anyone else there.
Elaine: Why?
Jerry: I don't know. Maybe he's embarrassed by Americans.
Elaine: Yeah, well maybe there aren't any houses to rent there.
Jerry: In all of Tuscany? I wonder.
[Setting: Office of a Java World building]
Mr Star: I say we offer him $50,000 that's it, take it or leave it.
Mr Burns: How do we know how severe the burns are? Why don't we have him examined by a doctor.
Ms. Jordan: Listen, the faster we dispose of this the better. This thing gets into the paper it will kill us.
Mr Star: All right, we'll start at 50,000 and free coffee at all of our stores.
Mr Star: (Answering secretary) Yes?
Secretary: Mr. Chiles and Mr. Kramer are here.
Mr Star: Send them in.
Mr Star: Gentleman.
Mr Star: Gentleman come in. Now we don't want to take up much of your time. Let's make this short and sweet. We're prepared to offer you all the free coffee you want in any of our stores throughout North America and Europe, Plus..
Kramer: (Interrupting) I'LL TAKE IT!!
[Setting: Jackie and Kramer in the back of a cab]
Jackie: I'll take it? Who told you to take it? Did I tell you to take it?
Kramer: No.
Jackie: I know the Maestro didn't tell you to take it, he wasn't there.
Kramer: Well I thought we were lucky to get anything.
Jackie: Free coffee?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jackie: I don't want free coffee. It's not hard to get coffee. I can get my own
Kramer: Well I didn't hear any Plus.
Jackie: 20 years practicing law I've never experienced anything like this.
Kramer: Look, Java World. (To cabbie) Hey listen I'm gonna get out here. I'm gonna get myself a free cafe latte.
[Setting: Jerry and Elaine are walking down the street and hear music approaching]
Elaine: Hey. Hi Maestro.
Maestro: Beethoven's 7th.
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: Hey you know we were just talking about you.
Maestro: Oh yeah?
Jerry: Yeah, ya know the other day how you mentioned that there were no houses available in Tuscany?
Maestro: You didn't find one, did you?
Jerry: No. I'm not really looking.
Maestro: Nor should you.
Jerry: So are you telling me there's not one house to rent in all of Tuscany?
Maestro: The houses are passed down from generation to generation, it's very hard.
Jerry: I can't get a sublet, a guest room, a cot, nothing?
Maestro: It's booked solid!
Elaine: It's BOOKED Jerry!
Jerry: How'd you get yours?
Maestro: Got lucky. Come on, Elaine, let's take a ride, I was about to pop in some Verdi.
Jerry: Maybe I'll check out France.
Jerry: Hey George, do you believe this guy?
George: Who?
Jerry: Bob Cobb.
George: Bob Cobb?
Jerry: You know, the Maestro.
George: Oh I missed the Maestro?
Jerry: Yeah, get this, he tells me there are no houses any where in Tuscany to rent.
George: Huh. Your renting a house in Tuscany?
Jerry: No.
George: So what do you care?
[Setting: Monk's cafe. George and Jerry are sitting at the booth]
Jerry: I just wish I could figure out if this guy is trying to keep me out of Tuscany.
George: Of course he is. There's got to be houses for rent in Tuscany. Do you know how big Tuscany is?
Jerry: I have no idea.
George: It it's huge. It's probably like North Dakota.
Jerry: Oh, no way it's that big.
George: It's a big region.
Jerry: Do you know how big North Dakota is stupid?
George: I don't know why I bother even talking to you.
Jerry: Hey, no one's got a gun to your head.
George: All right.
George: So I spoke to the security guard.
Jerry: Yeah and?
George: Well it's tough to get a good read but I think if I brought him a chair, he'd sit.
Jerry: So are you gonna get him a chair?
George: Yup. It's really just a question of what kind. Thinking about a bar stool.
Jerry: Yeah, that would give him some height, be able to check things out. With a back or without.
George: Oh I think I'd go for the back.
Jerry: Swivel?
George: I suppose he could swivel. Hey maybe one of those director's chairs. What do you think of those.
Jerry: I thinks it's kind of a pompous look. You know my parents used to have a kitchen chair that would have been perfect.
George: You mean one of those vinyl things?
Jerry: Yes.
George: Vinyl yeah, maybe.
Jerry: How can I figure out if there's any places to rent in Tuscany? Wait a minute. Poppy's from Tuscany. I'm gonna go call him.
George: Yeah, good luck. Hey I'll meet you outside.
[Setting: In Maestro's car, he and Elaine are driving and singing Finiculi, Finicula]
[Setting: On the street in the city, George and Jerry are talking]
Jerry: Poppy told me to talk to his cousin, he lives down in Little Italy.
George: What do you think about a rocking chair?
Kramer: (Speaking very fast and fidgety) You can't put a limit on my cafe lattes, it says so right here. And I don't want to get dirty looks when I come in here. If I want a cafe latte, you give me a cafe latte. And if I have any problems I'm gonna get my lawyer Jackie Chiles down here and your gonna be in really big trouble.
Jerry: Hey hey hey, slow down Eddie. What what's the matter?
Kramer: Awe there making faces at me cause I've had a couple of cafe lattes. But I'm entitled to them. I can have as many cafe lattes as I want, that was the settlement.
Jerry: That's it?
Kramer: That's it. What you want one George? I can get one for you. No problem. Jerry, you want one? They're delicious. My pleasure.
Jerry: You've got to stop it. Your your all hopped up on the caffein.
Kramer: Well I feel like I'm talking fast but it's very hard to tell.
Jerry: You're racing!
Kramer: Well well I've got things to do. I'll see you later. Bye.
[Setting: Dark room. Elaine and Maestro are kissing]
Elaine: (Passionately) Oh Bob! Bob!
Elaine: (Correcting herself) Maestro!
[Setting: Ross' clothing store. George carries in a rocking chair]
Clerk: (Noticing George with the rocking chair) Excuse me. Can I help you?
Geoge: Nope. Just a, giving a chair to the security guard.
Clerk: Did Mr. Ross tell you to do this?
George: What's your name?
Clerk: Evan Fayne.
George: I'm engaged to Mr. Ross' niece. I'm probably gonna be taking over this whole place someday so if I were you I would stay on my good side.
Clerk: I'm terribly sorry, I didn't know.
George: Innocent mistake.
George: Well, here you go. What do you think?
Guard: Mr. Ross says this is O.K.?
George: Hey, I'm his nephew, all right? Don't worry about it. Go ahead. Check it out.
Guard: Not bad. Not bad at all.
[Setting: Dark room in the back of an Italian restaurant.]
Jerry: Ah, excuse me, I'm looking for a Mr. Giggio.
Giggio: Si, Si, imma Giggio.
Jerry: Poppy sent me to see you Mr. Giggio.
Giggio: Si, Si Poppy.
Jerry: Um, did he did he mention to you why I called?
Giggio: Si, the house in Tuscana.
Jerry: Yeah, right, right. So is there anything there to rent?
Giggio: Si. Two million lira. You give me the check.
Jerry: I didn't actually want to rent it.
Giggio: The keys, here are the keys. You give me the check. Two million lira. Seventeen hundred Americana. Molto generoso.
Giggio: (To the man) Si, Si.
Jerry: So see um, I didn't say that I wanted to rent it, I was just wondering if there were houses there to rent.
Giggio: Si. (hods up the keys) Thissa one!. Capiche?
[Setting: Ross' clothing store. The employees are being held up at gun point. The camera moves from the right to the left. There is a masked man taking the money from the cash register. As the camera moves all the way to the left of the store, you see the security guard fast asleep in his new chair]
[Setting: At the window of a house in Tuscany. Elaine and Maestro are talking. There is a lady singing in Italian in the background]
Elaine: It's been a rough couple of weeks, ya know I really needed to get away.
Maestro: I told you, it's paradise.
Elaine: You're right Maestro.
Kramer: Common Jerry, this guy is crazy. Get out.
Jerry: You didn't have to push me.
Kramer: I didn't push you. How much did you pay that guy?
Jerry: 75,000 lira.
Kramer: 75,000 lira? Are you out of your mind?
Jerry: Kramer you don't under the conversion rate.
Kramer: Oh, conversion rate, oh.
Jerry: You know I don't even know why I brought you.
Kramer: Nobody put a gun to your head.
Jerry: Not bad!
Kramer: Yeah!