Jerry: Do you know what this is all about? Do you know, why were here? To be out, this is out...and out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life. People...did you ever hear people talking about We should go out? This is what they're talking about...this whole thing, were all out now, no one is home. Not one person here is home, were all out! There are people tryin to find us, they dont know where we are. (on an imaginary phone) Did you ring?, I cant find him. Where did he go? He didnt tell me where he was going. He must have gone out. You wanna go out you get ready, you pick out the clothes, right? You take the shower, you get all ready, get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation...Then you're standing around, whatta you do? You go We gotta be getting back. Once you're out, you wanna get back! You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? Where ever you are in life, its my feeling, you've gotta go.
Jerry: (pointing at Georges shirt) See, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot. The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt, look at it. Its too high! Its in no-mans-land. You look like you live with your mother.
George: Are you through?
Jerry: You do of course try on, when you buy?
George: Yes, it was purple, I liked it, I dont actually recall considering the buttons.
Jerry: Oh, you dont recall?
George: (on an imaginary microphone) Uh, no, not at this time.
Jerry: Well, senator, Id just like to know, what you knew and when you knew it.
Claire: Mr. Seinfeld. Mr. Costanza.
George: Are, are you sure this is decaf? Wheres the orange indicator?
Claire: Its missing, I have to do it in my head decaf left, regular right, decaf left, regular right...its very challenging work.
Jerry: Can you relax, its a cup of coffee. Claire is a professional waitress.
Claire: Trust me George. No one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine.
George: How come you're not doin the second show tomorrow?
Jerry: Well, theres this uh, woman might be comin in.
George: Wait a second, wait a second, what coming in, what woman is coming in?
Jerry: I told you about Laura, the girl I met in Michigan?
George: No, you didnt!
Jerry: I thought I told you about it, yes, she teaches political science? I met her the night I did the show in Lansing...
George: Ha.
Jerry: (looks in the creamer) Theres no milk in here, what...
George: Wait wait wait, what is she... (takes the milk can from Jerry and puts it on the table) What is she like?
Jerry: Oh, shes really great. I mean, shes got like a real warmth about her and shes really bright and really pretty and uh... the conversation though, I mean, it was... talking with her is like talking with you, but, you know, obviously much better.
George: (smiling) So, you know, what, what happened?
Jerry: Oh, nothing happened, you know, but is was great.
George: Oh, nothing happened, but it was...
Jerry: Yeah.
George: This is great!
Jerry: Yeah.
George: So, you know, she calls and says she wants to go out with you tomorrow night? God bless! Devil you!
Jerry: Yeah, well...not exactly. I mean, she said, you know, she called this morning and said she had to come in for a seminar and maybe well get together.
George: (whistles disapprovingly) Ho ho ho, Had to? Had to come in?
Jerry: Yeah, but...
George: Had to come in and maybe well get together? Had to and maybe?
Jerry: Yeah!
George: No...no...no, I hate to tell you this. You're not gonna see this woman.
Jerry: What, are you serious...why, why did she call?
George: How do I know, maybe, you know, maybe she wanted to be polite.
Jerry: To be polite? You are insane!
George: All right, all right, I didnt want to tell you this. You wanna know why she called you?
Jerry: Yes!
George: You're a back-up, you're a second-line, a just-in-case, a B-plan, a contingency!
Jerry: Oh, I get it, this is about the button.
George: Claire, Claire, you're a woman, right?
Claire: What gave it away, George?
George: Uhm...Id like to ask you...ask you to analyze a hypothetical phone call, you know, from a female point of view.
George: (to Claire) Now, a woman calls me, all right?
Claie: Uh huh.
George: She says she has to come to New York on business...
Jerry: Oh you are beautiful!
George: ...and, and maybe shell see me when she gets there, does this woman intend to spend time with me?
Claire: Id have to say, uuhh, no.
(George Shows His Note-Block To Jerry; It Says Very Largely: NO.)
Claire: To be polite.
George: To be polite. I rest my case.
Jerry: Good. Did you have fun? You have no idea, what you're talking about, now, come on, come with me. (stands up) I gotta go get my stuff out of the dryer anyway.
George: Im not gonna watch you do laundry.
Jerry: Oh, come on, be a come-with guy.
George: Come on, Im tired.
Claire: (to Jerry) Dont worry, I gave him a little caffeine. Hell perk up.
George: (panicking) Right, I knew I felt something!
George: Jerry? I have to tell you something. This is the dullest moment Ive ever experienced.
Jerry: Well, look at this guy. Look, hes got everything, hes got detergents, sprays, fabric softeners. This is not his first load.
George: I need a break, Jerry, you know. I gotta get out of the city. I feel so cramped...
Jerry: And you didnt even hear how she sounded.
George: What?!
Jerry: Laura.
George: I cant believe- (falls on his knees) WE ALREADY DISCUSSED THIS!
Jerry: Yeah, but how could you be so sure?
George: Cause its signals, Jerry, its signals! (snapping his fingers) Dont you- all right. Did she even ask you, what you were doin tomorrow night, if you were busy?
Jerry: No.
George: She calls you today and she doesnt make a plan for tomorrow? What is that? Its Saturday night!
Jerry: Yeah.
George: What is that? Its ridiculous! You dont even know what hotel shes staying at, you cant call her. That's a signal, Jerry, that's a signal! (snaps his fingers) Signal!
Jerry: Maybe you're right.
George: Maybe Im right? Of course Im right.
Jerry: This is insane. You know, I dont even know where shes staying! She, shes not gonna call me, this is unbelievable.
George: I know, I know. Listen, your stuff has to be done by now, why dont you just see if its dry?
Jerry: No no no, dont interrupt the cycle. The machine is working, it, it knows what its doing. Just let it finish.
George: You're gonna overdry it.
Jerry: You, you cant overdry.
George: Why not?
Jerry: Same as you cant overwet. You see, once something is wet, its wet. Same thing with death. Like once you die you're dead, right? Lets say you drop dead and I shoot you. You're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You cant overdie, you cant overdry.
George: (to the other laundry patrons) Any questions?
Jerry: How could she not tell me where she was staying?
George: Look at that. They're done!
Jerry: Laundry day is the only exciting day in the life of clothes. It is...yknow, think about it. The washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. You know, its dark, theres bubbles happening, they're all kinda dancing around in there- shirt grabs the underwear, Cmon babe, lets go. You come by, you open up the lid and theyll- (stiffens up, as the clothes) Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives, they're in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers. The dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They knew a escape from the dryer. They plan it in the hamper the night before, Tomorrow, the dryer, Im goin. You wait here! The dryer door swings open and the sock is waiting up against the side wall. He hopes you dont see him and then he goes down the road. They get buttons sewn on their faces, join a puppet show. So they're showing me on television the detergent for getting out bloodstains. Is this a violent image to anybody? Bloodstains? I mean, come on, you got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now. You gotta get the harpoon out your chest first.
Jerry: (answering, quickly) If you know what happened in the Met game, dont say anything, I taped it, hello. Yeah, no, Im sorry, you have the wrong number. Yeah, no
Jerry: (to the door) Yeah?
Kessler: Are you up?
Jerry: (to Kessler) Yeah. (to the phone) Yeah, people do move. Have you ever seen the big trucks out on the street? Yeah, no problem.
Kessler: Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh?
Jerry: (upset) Ohhhh, what are you doing? Kessler, its a tape! I taped the game, its one oclock in the morning! I avoided human contact all night to watch this.
Kessler: Hey, Im sorry, I- you know, I, I thought you knew. (takes two loaves of bread out of his pockets, and holds them out to Jerry.) You got any meat?
Jerry: Meat? I dont, I dont know, go... hunt! (Kessler opens the refrigerator and sticks his head in.) Well what happened in the game anyway?
Kessler: (from the refrigerator) What happened? Well, they STUNK, that's what happened!
Kessler: You know, I almost wound up going to that game.
Jerry: (cynical) Yeah you almost went to the game. You haven't been out of the building in ten years!
Kessler: Yeah. (Jerry sits down on the couch. Kessler walks over with his sandwich and looks at Jerry and uses expressions to ask Jerry to move the newspapers on the other side of the couch so he could site down. Kessler sits down next to him and starts turning over the pages of a magazine. Suddenly he spots an article he likes and tears it out. Jerry gives him a look as if to say, Do you mind?) Are you done with this?
Jerry: No.
Kessler: When you're done, let me know.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah...you can have it tomorrow.
Kessler: I thought I wasnt allowed to be in here this weekend.
Jerry: No, its okay now, that, that girl is not comin. Uh, I misread the whole thing.
Kessler: You want me to talk to her?
Jerry: I dont think so.
Kessler: Oh, I can be very persuasive. Do you know that I was almost... a lawyer.
Jerry: That close, huh?
Kessler: You better believe it.
Jerry: Hello...Oh, hi, Laura.
Kessler: Oh, give me it...let me talk to her.
Jerry: (to the phone) No believe me, Im always up at this hour. How are you?... Great... Sure... What time does the plane get in?... I got my friend George to take me...
Kessler: (to the TV) SLIDE! Wow!
Jerry: No, its, its just my neighbour... Um... Yeah, I got it. (Jerry takes a pencil and a cereal box to write on.) Ten-fifteen... No, dont be silly, go ahead and ask... Yeah, sure... Okay, great, no no, its no trouble at all... Ill see you tomorrow... Great, bye. (He hangs up the phone; to Kessler) I dont believe it. That was her. She wants to stay here!
Jerry: If my father was moving this hed had to have a cigarette in his mouth the whole way. (as his father) 'Have you got your end?...Your ends got to come down first, easy now, drop it down...drop it down, your ends got to come down.'
George: You know, I cant believe you're bringin in an extra bed for woman that wants to sleep with you. Why dont you bring in an extra guy too?
Jerry: Look, its a very awkward situation. I dont wanna be presumptuous.
George: All right, all right, one more time, one more time! What was the exact phrasing of the request?
Jerry: All right, she said she couldn't find a decent hotel room...
George: A decent hotel-room...
Jerry: Yeah, a decent hotel-room, would it be terribly inconvenient if she stayed at my place.
George: You cant be serious. This is New York city. There must be eleven million decent hotel rooms! Whatta you need? A flag? (waving his handkerchief) This is the signal, Jerry, this is the signal!
Jerry: (cynical) This is the signal? Thank you, Mr. Signal. Where were you yesterday?
George: I think I was affected by the caffeine.
George: Ho, ho, ho, good dog, good dog...
Kessler: Hey, he really likes you, George.
George: Well, that's flattering.
Kessler: Oh, hes gettin a drink of water. (pointing to the mattress) Is this for that girl?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kessler: Why even give her an option?
Jerry: This is a person I like, its not How to score on spring break.
George: Right, can we go? Cause Im double-parked, Im gonna get a ticket.
Jerry: Yeah, okay. Oh, wait a second. Oh, I forgot to clean the bathroom.
George: So what? That's good.
Jerry: Now, how could that be good?
George: Because filth is good. Whaddaya think, rock stars have sponges and ammonia lyin around the bathroom? They, have a woman comin over, Ive gotta tidy up? Yeah right, in these matters you never do what your instincts tell you. Always, ALWAYS do the opposite.
Jerry: This is how you operate?
George: Yeah, I wish.
Jerry: Let me just wipe the sink.
Kessler: Why even give her an option for?
Kessler: (to George, pointing at the mattress) Its unbelievable.
George: Yeah.
Kessler: Hows the real estate-business?
George: (feeling awkward) Its uh, not bad, its comin along. Why? Did you need something.
Kramer: Do you handle any of that commercial...real estate?
George: Well, I might be getting into that.
Kessler: (slaps George on the arm) You keep me posted!
George: Im aware of you. (to Jerry) All right, lets go (opens the bathroom door) Lets go!
Jerry: The dating world is not a fun world...its a pressure world, its a world of tension, its a world of pain...and you know, if a woman comes over to my house, I gotta get that bathroom ready, cause she needs things. Women need equipment. I dont know what they need. I know I dont have it, I know that- You know what they need, women seem to need a lot of cotton-balls. This is the one Im- always has been one of the amazing things to me...I have no cotton-balls, were all human beings, what is the story? Ive never had one...I never bought one, I never needed one, Ive never been in a situation, when I thought to myself I could use a cotton-ball right now. I can certainly get out of this mess. Women need them and they dont need one or two, they need thousands of them, they need bags, they're like peat moss bags, have you ever seen these giant bags? They're huge and two days later, they're out, they're gone, the, the bag is empty, where are the cotton-balls, ladies? What are you doin with them? The only time I ever see em is in the bottom of your little waste basket, theres two or three, that look like they've been through some horrible experience... tortured, interrogated, I dont know what happened to them. I once went out with a girl whos left a little zip-lock-baggy of cotton-balls over at my house. I dont know what to do with them, I took them out, I put them on my kitchen floor like little tumbleweeds. I thought maybe the cockroaches would see it, figure this is a dead town. Lets move on. The dating world is a world of pressure. Lets face it a date is a job interview that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. You know? Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the position, why dont you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be workin with?
Jerry: Wouldnt it be great if you could ask a woman what shes thinking?
George: What a world that would be, if you just could ask a woman what shes thinkin.
Jerry: You know, instead, Im like a detective. I gotta pick up clues, the whole thing is a murder investigation.
George: Listen, listen, dont get worked up, cause you're gonna know the whole story the minute she steps off the plane.
Jerry: Really? How?
George: Cause its all in the greeting.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
George: All right, if she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign.
Jerry: Right.
George: You know, anything in the, in the lip area is good.
Jerry: Lip area.
George: You know a hug definitely good.
Jerry: Hug is definitely good.
George: Sure.
Jerry: Although what if its one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart?
George: That's so brutal, I hate that.
Jerry: You know how they do that?
George: That's why, you know, a shake is bad.
Jerry: Shake is bad, but what if its the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes?
George: Hand sandwich.
Jerry: Right.
George: I see, well, that's open to interpretation. Because so much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the eyes.
Laura: Guess who?
Jerry: Hey, hey.
Laura & Jerry: Heeeey!
Jerry: Its good to see you.
Laura: Hi.
Jerry: This is my friend George.
Laura: Hi, how nice to meet you.
George: Hi, how are you?
Jerry: This is Laura.
George: Laura, sure.
Jerry: (to Laura) I cant believe you're here.
George & Jerry: Ooh yeah, the bags, sure.
Laura: Oh, thank you.
Jerry: (aside, to George) Now that was an interesting greeting, did you notice that, George?
George: Yes, the surprise blindfold greeting. That wasnt in the manual, I dont know.
Jerry: So uh, what do you think?
Laura: Ooohhh, wow! This place isn't so bad.
Jerry: Yeah, it kind a motivates me to work on the road. So uh, make yourself at home. (Laura sits down on the couch, takes off her shoes and opens some buttons of her shirt.) So uh, can I get you anything? Uuhhh, bread, water...salad-dressing?
Laura: (laughs) Actually, um, do you have any wine?
Jerry: Uh, yeah, I think I do.
Laura: (referring to a lamp) Oh, do you mind if I turn this down?
Jerry: Uh, no, yeah, go right ahead.
Laura: Uh, Jerry, uh, I was wandering, would it be possible and if its not, fine for me to stay here tomorrow night too?
Jerry: Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, why dont you stay? Yeah, uhm...What is your, what is your schedule for tomorrow? Are you, are you doin anything?
Laura: No, Id love to do something. Uh, I have my seminar in the morning, then after that Im right open.
Jerry: Really? What would you like to do?
Laura: Well... now I know this sounds touristy, but Id just love to go on one of those five-hour boat rides around Manhattan.
Jerry: (unenthusiastic) Yeah, we could do that...why not, why not. (pouring the wine) Im just, Im really glad you're here.
Jerry: (answering) Yeah, hello...yes...yes, she is, hold on. (to Laura) Um, its for you.
Laura: (to the phone) Hello?... Hi!... No no it was great, right on time... No, I, Im gonna stay here tomorrow...yes, yes its fine... No, were goin on a boat ride... Dont be silly... Im not gonna have this conversation... Look, Ill call you tomorrow... Okay, bye. (She hangs up the phone.) Never get engaged.
Jerry: (not excited) You're engaged?
Laura: You, you really have no idea what its like until you actually do it. And Im on this emotional roller coaster.
Jerry: You're engaged?
Laura: You know, I cant believe it myself sometimes. You have to start thinking in terms of we. Ugh, its a very stressful situation.
Jerry: (matter-of-factly) You're engaged.
Laura: Yeah, yeah, hes a great guy...
Jerry: Yeah.
Laura: Youd really like him, you know, I cant wait to get on that boat.
Jerry: Me too!
Jerry: I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I dont get it, okay? I, I, I admit, I, Im not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little...everything they do is subtle. Men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women, that's it! Its the only thing we know for sure, it really is. We want women. How do we get them? Oh, we dont know bout that, we dont know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas weve had so far. The car-horn honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. E-eeehh, eehhh, eehhh! This man is out of ideas. How does it...? E-e-e-eeeehhhh! I dont think she likes me. The amazing thing is, that we still get women, dont we? Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women, many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man, okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene. That's why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like Where to meet men? Were here, we are everywhere. Were honking our horns to serve you better.
Jerry: So, Im on line at the supermarket. Two women in front of me. One of them, her total was eight dollars, the other three dollars. They both of course choose to pay by the use of the...
Audience: Cheque.
Jerry: Cheque. Now, the fact is, if its a woman in front of you that's writing the cheque, you will not be waiting long. I have noticed that women are very fast with cheques, yknow, cause they write out so many cheques. The keys, they can never find in their purse, they dont know where that is, but the cheque book they got that. They never fumble for the cheque book. The cheque book comes out of a holster (Jerry draws imaginary book from a holster.) Who do I make it out to? Theres my ID. Theres something about a cheque that, to a man, is not masculine. I dont know exactly what it is. I think to a man, a cheque is like a note from your mother that says, I dont have any money, but if you'll contact these people, Im sure theyll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time- I dont have any money but I have these. I wrote on these. Is this of any value at all?
Jerry: Whats that one?
Elaine: Coccoon II The Return. I guess they didnt like it up there.
Jerry: Maybe they came back for Chinese food. Y'know Maureen Stapleton, if she gets a craving, shes probably screamin at those aliens, I gotta have a lo mein!
Elaine: Okay, whatre we doing here? I have seen everything.
Jerry: Oh yeah? I dont believe you've seen... this.
Elaine: Oh, lovely.
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: What do you think their parents think?
Jerry: So, uh, whats your son doing now, Dr. Stevens? Oh, hes a public fornicator. Yes, hes a fine boy...
Elaine: Y'know what? This would be a really funny gift for Pamelas birthday.
Jerry: Pamela? Do I know her?
Elaine: Yeah, you met her when we were going out.
Jerry: Oh yeah, right...
Elaine: You have no idea who Im talking about, do you?
Jerry: (quickly) No.
Elaine: Blonde hair, remember? Glasses? (pause) Have you totally blocked out the entire time we were a couple?
Jerry: (a lightbulb goes on in his head) Riverside Drive.
Elaine: Right! In fact... No, never mind...
Jerry: Well, what is it?
Elaine: Well, a bunch of people are getting together tomorrow night at some bar for her birthday, but... (Jerry turns in disgust) you dont want to go to... that... no.
Jerry: Wait a second, wait a second. We could work out a little deal here.
Elaine: What little deal?
Jerry: I will go to that, if you go with me to a little family wedding I have on Saturday.
Elaine: A wedding? Have you lost it, man?
Jerry: Y'know, my parents are coming in for this...
Elaine: They're coming in?
Jerry: Yeah, tomorrow.
Elaine: Hey, did your father ever get that hair weave?
Jerry: No, no. Still doin the big sweep across.
Elaine: Why does he do that?
Jerry: Doesnt think anyone can tell. So cmon, do we have a deal?
Elaine: A wedding?
Jerry: Theres a lot of people to mock...
Elaine: All right, what the hell.
Jerry: Great!
Woman: When you're dead, you're dead. That's it. You're not goin anywhere...
Elaine: Cmon lets go...
Jerry: Was I supposed to bring something?
Elaine: You could have.
Jerry: I met her one time...
Elaine: It is not necessary.
Jerry: What did you say then?
Elaine: Sssshhhhhh!!!
Pamela: Hi
Elaine: Hi, Pamela, you remember Jerry.
Pamela: (shakes Jerry's hand) Yes, we met.
Jerry: Hi, happy birthday.
Pamela: Thanks, ah, everybody, this is Elaine and Jerry.
Guests, Jerry & Elaine: Hi
Jerry: I didnt bring anything.
Pamela: Uh, I put you two right here.
Jerry: Oh, Okay (turns to rest of table) Im sorry, I didnt know what to bring, nobody told me.
Vanessa: How big a tip do you think itd take to get him to stop?
Jerry: Im in for five...
Vanessa: Ill supply the hat.
Jerry: (thinking) Uh-oh... What do we have here?
Vanessa: Why dont you relax and take your jacket off?
Jerry: Oh, I cant. Uh, I have a tendency to get chilly.
Vanessa: How masculine.
Jerry: Plus Im wearing short sleeves, I dont want to expose my tattoos. (Vanessa smiles; thinking) Shes unbelievable!
Roger: (to Vanessa) Hey, this guy says he knows Bricker.
Vanessa: Oh, you know Bricker! From where?
Jerry: (thinking) Whats going on here? Gotta be her boyfriend, shes too good to be alone. Whats the difference, I cant maneouver anyway with Elaine next to me.
Vanessa: (to Jerry) How do you know Pamela?
Jerry: Uh, friend of a friend. And you?
Vanessa: We went to law school together.
Elaine: (interrupting Jerry's conversation) Oh, Jerry!
Jerry: (turning to Elaine; thinking) Oh no, not now.
Elaine: I had this dream last night and you were in it.
Jerry: Oh really? (tries turning away in the hopes Elaine gets the hint; thinking) Oh God, I gotta get out of this.
Elaine: You were you, but, you werent you...
Jerry: No kidding. (thinking) Why is this happening? Please, make her stop!
Elaine: I think, I think we were in my house where I grew up, and you were standing there, you were looking out the window...
Jerry: (thinking) This is brutal.
Elaine: You turned around and you had these wooden teeth.
Jerry: How do you like that? (tries to turn away again; thinking)Can I turn now? Is this over? No, I cant, I cant. Im stuck.
Elaine: (noticing Jerry not wanting to listen; annoyed) Jerry? Are you listening to me?
Jerry: Yes, I heard you.
Pamela: Elaine, whats the name of that jewelry store you took me to that time?
Jerry: (thinking) Thank you, Pamela! (turns to talk to Vanessa; to Vanessa) So, you're a lawyer...
Vanessa: Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
Jerry: (thinking) Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft... (to Vanessa) Of course, they handled my tattoo removal lawsuit.
Vanessa: Oh, that was you?
Jerry: Imagine, spelling Mom with two Os.
Vanessa: Very funny! What do you do?
Jerry: Comedian.
Vanessa: Really? That explains it.
Jerry: (thinking; quickly) Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
Roger: Are you ready?
Vanessa: We gotta run. Happy birthday!
Jerry: (thinking) I cant believe it. I got nothing! I dont even know her name! Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppen... Sagman... Sag...
Jerry: That wasnt so bad, really.
Elaine: Y'know, um, you could use a little work on your manners.
Jerry: Why? What did I do?
Elaine: Wel-Well, I just dont appreciate these little courtesy responses, like Im selling you aluminum siding.
Jerry: I was listening!
Elaine: No! You couldn't wait to get back to your little... conversation.
Jerry: No, you were talking about the, the um, the dream you had.
Elaine: Uh-huh...
Jerry: Where you had, uh, wooden teeth.
Elaine: No! No! You had wooden teeth! You had wooden teeth! I didnt have wooden teeth, you did!
Jerry: All right, so I had wooden teeth, so what?
Elaine: So nothing! Nothing. (annoyed sigh)
Jerry: Apparently Plato, who came up with the concept of the platonic relationship, was pretty excited about it. He named it after himself. He said, Yeah, I got this new thing Platonic. My idea, my name, callin it after myself. What I do is, I go out with the girls, I talk with them- dont do anything, and go right home. Whatd you think? I think its going to be big! I bet you there were other guys in history that tried to get relationships named after them, but it didnt work. Y'know, I bet you there were guys who tried to do it, just went, Uh, Hi, uh my names Rico. Would you like to go to bed immediately? Hey, its a Riconic relationship.
Jerry: Hey!
Morty: Ah, there he is!
Jerry: This is what I like, see? You come home and your parents are in your bed!
Helen: Y'know, Jerry, we dont have to do this.
Jerry: What are you talkin about? Its fine, I love having you here.
Helen: Tomorrow well go to a hotel.
Jerry: Ma, will you stop?
Helen: No, why should we take over your apartment?
Jerry: I dont care. Im sleeping next door.
Helen: Your friend Kramer doesnt mind?
Jerry: No, hes making a bouillabaisse.
Jerry: So, dad, lemme ask you a question. How many people work at these big law offices?
Morty: Depends on the firm.
Jerry: Yeah, but if you called up and described someone, do you think they would know who it was?
Morty: Whats the matter? You need a lawyer?
Jerry: No, I met someone at this party, and I know where she works, but I dont know her name.
Morty: So why dont you ask someone who was at the party?
Jerry: Nah, the only one I could ask is Elaine, and I cant ask her.
Helen: Why not?
Jerry: Because its complicated. Theres some tension there.
Helen: He used to go with her.
Helen: Which one is she?
Morty: From Maryland. The one who brought you the chocolate covered cherries you didnt like.
Helen: Oh yeah, very alert. Warm person.
Jerry: Oh yeah, shes great.
Helen: So, how come nothing materialized there?
Jerry: Well, its a tough thing to talk about uh. I dunno...
Helen: I know what it was.
Jerry: You dont know what it was.
Helen: So, what was it?
Jerry: Well, we fight a lot for some reason.
Helen & Morty: Oh, well...
Jerry: And there was a little problem with the physical chemistry.
Helen: Well, I think shes a very attractive girl.
Jerry: Oh, she is, she absolutely is.
Helen: I can see if there was a weight problem...
Jerry: No, its not that. It wasnt all one-sided.
Helen: You know, you cant be so particular. Nobodys perfect.
Jerry: I know, I know...
Morty: Y'know Jerry, its a good thing I wasnt so particular.
Helen: (hits Morty) Idiot. (to Jerry) So whore you looking for, Sophia Loren?
Jerry: That's got nothin to do with it.
Morty: How about Loni Anderson?
Helen: Where do you get Loni Anderson?
Morty: Why, whats wrong with Loni Anderson?
Helen: I like Elaine more than Loni Anderson.
Jerry: What are you two talking about? Look, Elaine just wasnt the one.
Helen: And this other ones the one?
Jerry: I dunno, maybe...
Morty: So ask Elaine there for her number.
Jerry: I cant. Shell get upset. I never talk about other women with her, especially this one tonight.
Helen: How could you still see her if your not interested?
Jerry: Were friends.
Morty: Doesnt sound like you're friends to me. If you were friends you'd-youd ask her for the number. Do you know where this other one works?
Jerry: Oh yeah.
Morty: Well, go up to the office.
Helen: Up to her office?
Morty: Go to the building. She goes out to lunch, doesnt she?
Jerry: I guess.
Morty: So, you stand in the lobby, by the elevator, and wait for her to come down for lunch.
Jerry: You mean stakeout the lobby?
Helen: Morty, that's ridiculous. Just ask Elaine for the number!
Morty: He doesnt want to ask Elaine for the number.
Helen: So you've got him standing by the elevator like a dope! What happens when he sees her?
Morty: He pretends he bumped into her!
Jerry: Y'know what? This is not that bad an idea.
George: What does she look like?
Jerry: I dunno. Hard to say.
George: What actress does she remind you of?
Jerry: Loni Anderson.
George: Loni Anderson?!
Jerry: What, theres something wrong with Loni Anderson? (pause) Hey listen, thanks again for running over here. I appreciate it.
George: Yeah, sure. I was showing a condo on 48th street. Besides, you think I wanna miss this? (chuckles)
Jerry: Im a little nervous.
George: Yeah, me too...
Jerry: If I see her, what do I say that Im doing here in the building?
George: You came to see me. I work in the building.
Jerry: What do you do?
George: Im an architect.
Jerry: You're an architect?
George: Im not?
Jerry: I dont see architecture comin from you.
George: (somewhat annoyed) I suppose you could be an architect.
Jerry: I never said that I was the architect. Just somethin else.
George: All right, shes not even gonna ask, if we see her, which is remote.
Jerry: Well whaddaya want me to say, that I just wandered in here?
George: Were having lunch with a friend. He works in the building.
Jerry: What is his name?
George: Bert... Har... bin... son. Bert Har-bin-son.
Jerry: Bert Harbinson? It sounds made up.
George: No good? All right, uh how about Art... Cor...
Jerry: Art Cor...
George: ...velay.
Jerry: Corvelay?
George: Yeah, right.
Jerry: Well, what does he do?
George: Hes an importer.
Jerry: Just imports, no exports?
George: (annoyed) Hes an importer/exporter, okay? (beat) Elaine ever call you back?
Jerry: No, I guess shes still mad.
George: I dont understand, you never talk to her about other women?
Jerry: Never. (The elevator door opens.) Wait a second. That's her. On the right.
George: (anxious) I forgot who I am! Who am I?!
Jerry: You're you. Were having lunch with Art Corvelay.
George: Vandelay!
Jerry: Corvelay!
George: Let me be the architect! I can do it!
Jerry: Hey, hey. uh Pamelas birthday party, didnt I see you there? Jerry.
Vanessa: Sure! Hi!
Jerry: Uh, this is George. (reaches for her name) Im sorry...
Vanessa: Vanessa.
George: Nice to meet you.
Jerry: Ah, Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
Vanessa: That's right! Yea, whatre you doing here?
Jerry: Oh, were meeting a friend of ours for lunch. He works here in the building.
George: Yeah, Art Vandelay.
Vanessa: Really? Which company?
Jerry & George: (turning to each other) I dont know. Hes an importer.
Vanessa: Importer?
George: ...And exporter.
Jerry: Hes an importer/exporter.
George: (clears his throat) Im, uh, Im an architect.
Vanessa: Really. What do you design?
George: Uh, railroads, uh...
Vanessa: I thought engineers do that.
George: They can...
Jerry: Y'know Im sorry you had to leave so early the other night.
Vanessa: Oh, me too. My cousin had to go back to Boston.
Jerry: Oh, that guy was your cousin! (walking in front of George so he gets the picture to leave)
Vanessa: Yeah, and that woman was your...
Jerry: Friend!
George: Ill just, uh, get a paper...
Jerry: So, um, do you date uh immature men?
Vanessa: Almost exclusively...
Helen: Bum bum bum bum... I have no letters... Bum bum bum bum...
Jerry: (annoyed) Ma, will you go already?
Helen: Bum bum bum bum...
Jerry: What are you doing?!
Helen: Wait, I just want to see something.
Jerry: You cant look in there, were playing!
Kramer: Hi.
Jerry: Hi.
Morty: (cleaning his shoes) Good evening, Mr. Kramer!
Kramer: Hey Morty! (to Jerry) Salad dressing?
Jerry: Look.
Helen: Quo. Is that a word?
Jerry: Maybe!
Helen: Will you challenge it?
Jerry: Ma, you cant look up words in the dictionary! (to Morty) Dad, shes cheating!
Kramer: Quo? That's not a word.
Helen: (to Jerry) You're such a stickler...
Jerry: Well put something down, you're taking twenty minutes on this. So is Uncle Mac and Artie, they're all coming over here before the wedding?
Helen: Theyll be here at two oclock. Oh, Elaine called. She said shed be here at two-thirty. And she says Hope your meeting went well with Art Vandelay?
Jerry: She said what?
Helen: Just what I said, here.
Jerry: She knows! Oh, I am such a jackass.
Helen: She knows what?
Jerry: She knows the whole stupid thing. Vanessa and the elevator...
Helen: No, no, no, that wont do. He may have a Z.
Morty: So, how did she find out?
Jerry: Because, Vanessa probably told Pamela, and Pamela probably told Elaine.
Morty: So, what are you? Afraid of her?
Jerry: Yes. Yes I am! (to Helen) What else did she say on the phone?
Helen: Whatever I wrote down.
Jerry: Yeah, but what was the tone in her voice? How did she sound?
Helen: Who am I, Rich Little?
Morty: Well, she cant be too mad. Shes still coming to the wedding.
Jerry: Yeah, but now Im nervous.
Helen: Oh, stop it.
Jerry: Quone?
Helen: ...30...31...
Jerry: Quone? No, Im afraid that Im going to have to challenge that.
Helen: ...32...
Kramer: No, you dont have to challenge that. That's a word. That's a definite word.
Jerry: I am challenging.
Kramer: Quone. To quone something.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
Helen: Im not playing with you anymore.
Morty: Quones not a word.
Jerry: No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off.
Helen: (to Kramer) Why did you make me put that down?
Kramer: Nah, we need a medical dictionary! If a patient gets difficult, you quone him.
Carol: You want some funny material, you oughta come down to where I work, now that's a sitcom!
Jerry: You must have quite a time down there.
Carol: We got plenty of time.
Jerry: Oh, Im sorry. Im just waiting for someone.
Uncle Mac: Watch what you say to this guy. Hell put it in his next act!
Jerry: Yeah, yeah...
Uncle Mac: Jerry, did I tell you that Im writing a book? An autobiography.
Jerry: Yeah, Uncle Mac, you mentioned it.
Uncle Mac: Its based on all my experiences!
Jerry: That's perfect.
Jerry: Could you excuse me one second? Im sorry.
Jerry: How do you do? (introducing himself) Uh, Jerry Seinfeld.
Elaine: Oh, how do you do? Elaine Benes.
Jerry: Um, do you want to do this now, or do you want to wait until we get in the car?
Elaine: Oh no, lets do it now.
Jerry: All right, the whole elevator business, let me just explain-
Elaine: Okay.
Artie: Jerry, were you goin with us?
Jerry: No, Im gonna take my car.
Artie: That's why I brought the wagon. Why the hell did I bring the wagon?
Jerry: Anyway, you know why I didnt ask you, I mean I felt so uncomfortable, and you were so annoyed in the cab.
Elaine: Well, Jerry, I never saw you flirt with anyone before. It was quite the spectacle.
Carol: Jerry, well see you there. Bye, Elaine.
Elaine: Oh, bye. Good to see you.
Artie: Oh, we didnt meet.
Jerry: Oh, Im sorry. Elaine, this is my cousin, Artie Levine.
Artie: (correcting Jerry) Levine.
Jerry: (sarcastically) Yeah, Levine. And Im Jerry Cougar Mellencamp. Anyway, I admit it was a fairly ridiculous thing to do, but I mean, I mean, obviously we have a little problem here.
Elaine: Yeah, obviously.
Jerry: I mean, if were gonna be friends, we gotta be able to talk about other people.
Elaine: Couldn't agree more.
Jerry: Good.
Elaine: Good.
Jerry: Good.
Elaine: Great!
Jerry: Great? Where do you get great?
Elaine: Its great to... talk about... other people...
Jerry: ...Guys?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: Uh-huh. Yeah. So, anybody specific?
Elaine: No. A general guy.
Jerry: Oh really? Elaine Marie Benes...
Elaine: What? No, its not a big deal.
Jerry: No, that's great! That's terrific!
Elaine: No, we just met...
Jerry: Doesnt matter. Whats the young mans name? I would like to meet him.
Elaine: Hmmm, I dont think so.
Jerry: Well, what does he do? Is he an artisan, a craftsman, a labourer of some sort?
Elaine: Wall street.
Jerry: Ah, high finance. Bulls, Bears, people from Connecticut.
Elaine: And he happens to be pretty good lookin.
Jerry: (pause) All right, sir.
Elaine: And... hes hilarious.
Jerry: Now that's not fair! So where did you meet this guy?
Elaine: I staked out his health club.
Jerry: Uh huh. When you're on a stakeout, do you find its better to stand up against the wall, or kinda crouch down behind a big plant?
Jerry: Y'know I think that even if you've had a relationship with someone, or lets say, especially if you've had a relationship with someone and you try to become friends afterwards, its very difficult. Isn't this? Its hard. Because, you know each other so well, you know all of each others tricks. Its like two magicians, trying to entertain each other. The one goes, Look, a rabbit. The other goes, So? I believe this is your card. Look, why dont we just saw each other in half and call it a night, okay?


Jerry: So I move into the centre lane, now I get ahead of this women, who felt for some reason I guess, that she thought that I cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me the finger. It seems like such an arbitrary, ridiculous thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person. Its a finger, what does it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and Im supposed to feel bad. Is that the way its supposed to work? I mean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldn't you? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the finger. Cause its not easy to give someone the toe, you've gotta get the shoe off, the sock off and drive, get it up and... (Jerry pretends to drive with one foot in the air, giving the toe.) Look at that toe, buddy. (He puts his foot down.) I mean, that's really insulting to get the toe, isn't it?
Jerry: Is that it? Got the cue tips, got the mini-umbrella, something boring to read on the plane. (Jerry zips his bag ceremoniously.) That's it. Done!
Elaine: (claps her hands) That is the single greatest packing performance I have ever seen.
Jerry: (proudly) I am...the master packer.
Elaine: (laughs) Yeah, right, you're the master packer.
Jerry: What you must understand, Elaine, (picking up the umbrella) packing is no different than leading men into battle. (Jerry hits his bag rhythmically with his umbrella.) You've gotta know the strengths and weaknesses of every soldier in that platoon. From a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of ordinary black socks.
Elaine: (raising her hand) Scuse me, master packer...
Jerry: Yes.
Elaine: Just gimme your keys.
Jerry: All right, sir. (He tosses Elaine his keys. The apartment buzzer goes off; Jerry presses the first button; to the intercom) George?
George: (from the intercom) Yeah.
Elaine: Okay, so, now, is there anything else I need to know about this place?
Jerry: Uh, yeah, the, uh, hot water takes a little while to come on. So, the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all your shopping, you come back and take a shower.
Elaine: Okay, this is quite a place.
Jerry: Theres more. The refrigerator.
Jerry: Deduct a minimum of two days off all expiration dates. (He uses the umbrella to point to certain compartments in the fridge.) No meat, no leftovers, no butter. (He closes the fridge.) And I cannot overstate this No soft cheeses of any kind. Is that clear?
Elaine: Ill eat out.
Jerry: One more thing, Benes, regarding sexual activity Strictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a big favour. Do it in the tub.
George: (to Jerry) Ready?
Jerry: Yeah, one sec.
George: Hey, Elaine.
Elaine: Hi.
George: Coming to the airport with us?
Elaine: No, Im staying here for the weekend. Im getting a break from my roommate.
George: Oh, the actress-waitress?
Elaine: No, the waitress-actress. She just got some part in some dinner theater production of A Chorus Line. So, now all day long shes walking around the apartment singing, God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it! Shes gonna get it right in her...
George: So just kick her out.
Elaine: Shes on the lease! George you have got to find another place for me.
George: Yeah, well...a little rough finding something good in your price-range. (to Jerry) But you, my friend, may be in luck.
Jerry: Im not looking.
George: No no no, this ones different. This ones a beauty!
Jerry: Yeah, whats it like?
George: I haven't seen it yet, but its a two-bedroom, its on the uh, west 83rd, bout a half block from the park?
Jerry: How much?
George: Uh, twice what you're payin here, but its a great building. Its two bedrooms!
Jerry: Two bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms? I got enough trouble maintaining activity in one. (George gives Elaine a look while Jerrys back is turned. Jerry turns around.) I saw that.
Elaine: You oughta at least take a look at it.
Jerry: Really? Why?
Elaine: Cause then I could move in here.
Jerry: Ohhhh...
Elaine: Its time you got outta here anyway.
George: Yeah, tell im. But quickly, Im double parked here.
Elaine: Listen, Jerry, this place is falling apart. You have no hot water, you cant have soft cheese...
George: Lets not forget the radiator. The steam has been on here for ten years. No human can turn this off.
Elaine: Jerry, come on, you're doin okay now. You should at least take a look at this place. You shouldn't have to live like this.
Jerry: Like this? You just said you wanted to live here.
Elaine: Well, for me its a step up. Its like moving from Iceland to Finland.
George: Jerry, what do you, you wanna, you wanna see the place or not?
Jerry: I cant think about it now. Come on, Im going to Minneapolis. I got four shows this weekend.
Jerry: Elaine. (Jerry puts his bags down, sits down on the couch, picks up the remote control and points it at the spot the TV usually occupies. The TV is not there. He continues to point the remote at random things around the room, searching for the TV.) ELAINE!
Elaine: (from the bathroom) JERRY! (Elaine enters the living-room.) Jerry, oh, hi, welcome back. How were the shows?
Jerry: Great, I had fun. Wheres the TV, wheres the VCR?
Jerry: What?
Elaine: They were stolen.
Jerry: Stolen? When?
Elaine: A couple a hours ago. The police are coming right over.
Jerry: Stolen?
Elaine: (looking at Kramer) Someone left the door open.
Jerry: (to Kramer) You left the door open?!
Kramer: Uh, Jer, well you know, I was cookin and I, I uh, I came in to get this spatula...and I left the door open, cause I was gonna bring the spatula right back!
Jerry: Wait, you left the lock open or the door open?
Kramer: (guiltily) The door.
Jerry: The door? You left the door open?
Kramer: Yeah, well, I was gonna bring the spatula right back.
Jerry: Yeah, and?
Kramer: Well, I got caught up... watching a soap opera. The Bold And The Beautiful.
Jerry: So the door was wide open?
Kramer: Wide open!
Jerry: (to Elaine) And where were you?
Elaine: I was at Bloomingdales... waiting for the shower to heat up.
Kramer: Look, Jerry, Im sorry, Im uh- you have insurance, right buddy?
Jerry: No.
Kramer: (shocked) How can you not have insurance?
Jerry: Because I spent my money on the Clapgo D-29. Its the most impenetrable lock on the market today. It has only one design flaw. The door... (Jerry pushes the door shut.) ...MUST BE CLOSED!!
Kramer: Jerry! Im gonna find your stuff. Im gonna solve it, Im on the case, buddy, Im on the case.
Jerry: Yeah, dont investigate, dont pay me back, it was an accident.
Kramer: (theatrical) I made a mistake.
Elaine: These things happen.
Kramer: Im human.
Jerry: In your way.
Policeman: Lets see, that's, one TV, a stereo, one leather jacket, a VCR and a computer...is that bout it?
Elaine: Answering machine.
Jerry: (disappointed) Answering machine. (jovially) Oh, I hate the idea of somebody out there returning my calls.
Policeman: What do you mean?
Jerry: Its a joke.
Policeman: I see. Well, mister Seinfeld uh, well look into it and uh, well let you know if we uh, you know, if we find anything.
Jerry: You ever find anything?
Policeman: No.
Jerry: Well, thanks anyway.
Policeman: You bet.
Elaine: I didnt get that joke either.
Jerry: The crook has the machine. The messages arent for him. Hes the crook. Why would he answer- (Jerry gives up on the explanation and turns around to see George standing behind him.) How did you get in here?
George : I walked in, your lobby door is broken again.
Jerry: Again?
George: I dont know how you put up with this.
Elaine: Yeah, tell im George.
Jerry: (to Elaine) You would still wanna move in here?
Elaine: Yes! You dont understand. Im living with Ethel Merman without the talent.
Jerry: (to George) Is that uh, other apartment still available?
Jerry: I got ripped off for about the...18th time? And now, the first couple a times you go through it, its very upsetting and your first reaction or one of your friends will say, Call the police. You really should call the police. So you think to yourself, you know, you watch TV, you think, Yeah, Im calling the police. Stakeouts, manhunts... Im gonna see some real action. Right, you think that. So, the police come over to your house, they fill out The Report. They give you Your Copy. Now, unless they give the crook his copy, I dont really think were gonna crack this case, do you? Its not like Batman, where theres three crooks in the city and everybody pretty much knows, who they are. Very few crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot. Did you lose a sony? It could be the Penguin. I think we can round him up, hes dressed like a PENGUIN! We can find him, hes a PENGUIN!
Elaine: Oh, well, come on. This is an apartment, this is a home! This is a place to live. Oooh, a fireplace, are you kidding me! Does this work?
George: I didnt know there was a fireplace. A fireplace, that's incredible.
Jerry: How do you get all that wood in here?
Elaine: They deliver it.
Jerry: They deliver wood?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: What do you tip a wood guy?
George: I didnt know there was a fireplace.
Elaine: Look! Look at- look at this! Theres a garden.
George: A garden! I cant believe theres a garden!
Jerry: Would I have to get a gardener?
Elaine: Yeah, you can get a gardener.
Jerry: You tip him?
Elaine: You can.
George: (to Elaine) You dont tip a gardener!
Elaine: You can tip a gardener.
George: You dont need a gardener.
Elaine: Jerry, you can barbecue back here.
Jerry: They deliver the coal?
Elaine: Sure, its...probably the same guy, who delivers the wood.
Jerry: Oh, then I gotta tip him.
Elaine: Oh, damn, this place is incredible, look at all this great light!
Jerry: I dont have any plants.
George: I have plants. (snorts)
Elaine: Jerry, look at this closet! Look at this! Im walking in it! (Elaine walks into the closet.) Its a walk-in. Can you believe it? Im nuts about this, what do you think?
Jerry: I like that. (He opens the closet. Elaine walks out with an angry look.) What do you think, George?
George: Its your decision.
Jerry: Im takin it, Im takin the place. Im gonna take it, this is gonna be my new place. Im livin here...Im movin.
Elaine: (laughing with joy) Your movin? That means Im movin. (She hugs Jerry.) Geeeeee (to George) isn't that incredible!
George: (unenthusiastic) Congratulations.
Elaine: What about the couch?
Jerry: You like the couch? Ill tell you what Im gonna do.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: You're movin in, you're a good friend, I wanna start you off on the right foot. Give me...a hundred and fifty dollars. (Elaine is shocked, Jerry opens the door to the hall.) Get it outta here right now, take it out the door, I dont even wanna see it, go, get it out.
Elaine: A hundred and fifty dollars? A hundred and fifty dollars for what? For this couch?
Jerry: Yeah!
Elaine: For this couch?!
Jerry: Okay, you tell me. What is it worth?
Elaine: Okay, uh, Ill tell you what. I could go as high as uh... (She takes a closer look at couch.) I dont know, maybe...twenty dollars?
Jerry: Yeah?
George: (from the intercom) Yeah, its George.
Jerry: Come on up. (Jerry presses the second button and opens the apartment door. He walks back to the couch.) Oh, all right, forget it, Im gonna take it with me now... (He picks up the cushions.) Im just gonna pack up the cushions right now...
Elaine: Okay okay okay okay, you win. Forty dollars.
Jerry: (continuing unphased) You wanna get the other end, cause I wanna get it in the hall.
Elaine: Fifty dollars, okay? Fifty dollars, is that all right?
Jerry: Fifty dollars?
Elaine: Uh-huh.
Jerry: Thank you very much.
Elaine: Thank you very much.
George: Hey, whats goin on?
Elaine: I just bought Jerrys couch for fifty dollars.
Jerry: (to George) So did you bring the lease? (George takes the lease from his inside pocket and hands it to Jerry.) All right, gee, three years, that kinda seems like a long time.
George: (frantic) Oh, Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry, listen, if, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at all, at all. Do not feel like you have to take it.
Jerry: Why?
George: If you're having second thoughts, if you didnt want it, dont worry about it because uh, you know, I, I...I could take it, you know.
Jerry: You could take it? You want it?
George: No, I dont want it. I want it, if you dont want it.
Jerry: So you do want it.
George: No I, I want it if you dont want it.
Jerry: You just said you wanted it!
George: No, Im saying, if a situation arose in which you didnt want it, I might take it.
Jerry: So take it.
George: How can I take it?
Jerry: How can I take it?
George: Its your apartment!
Jerry: How can I want it now, if you want it?
Elaine: Excuse me, uh, I dont mean to cause any trouble here, but George, if you take it, can I take your place?
George: Yes, but I am not taking it.
Jerry: I...am not taking it.
Elaine: Well, one of you better damn well take it!
Jerry: Well, whaddaya wanna do here?
George: I, I dont know.
Jerry: Do you wanna flip a coin?
George: Who flips? You'll flip, Ill call.
Jerry: Okay, fine. (Jerry takes a coin from his pocket.) This is the official flip. No crying, no guilt, winner takes all and that's it. Agreed?
George: Im good.
Elaine: I dont know, who to root for, Georges place has carpeting.
Jerry: All right, now you call it in the air.
George: No catchin.
Jerry: No no.
George: Flip it.
George: Heads!
Jerry: Tails!
George: No, it hit the table, it hit the table.
Jerry: So what?
George: Interference! You cant count that! Come on, are you crazy?! The coin cannot touch anything, it affects it.
Jerry: You didnt call no interference!
George: You dont have to call that! That's a rule!
Jerry: I dont believe this.
George: Oh oh oh, all right, fine, Jerry, you win. Take it, just take it!
Jerry: I dont wanna win it like this! Elaine, what do you think?
Elaine: Id better not.
Jerry: Well, Ill tell you what. Ill choose you for it. Straight choose, three takes it, no disputes...that's it, you gotta win three.
George: Okay. (They walk around each other.) OK. Ill choose you. Whaddaya want?
Jerry: Odds.
George: I want evens.
Jerry: Good.
George: You got odds.
Jerry: You got evens.
George: Right, ready?
Jerry: For the apartment.
Both: Once, twice, three, shoot!
Jerry: Mine!
Both: Once, twice, three, shoot!
Jerry: Mine!
Both: Once, twice, three, shoot!
George: Mine!
Both: Once, twice, three, shoot!
George: Congratulations...congratulations.
Jerry: Thanks.
George: I'm just gonna...wash. (George walks to the bathroom; screaming) WHY DID I PUT UP TWO? WHY DID I PUT UP TWO?
Kramer: Jerry, I think Im on to something. I think I found your stuff. You know the Englishman who lives down the hall?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: The last couple a days hes been acting very strange. I think hes avoiding me.
Jerry: Hard to imagine.
Kramer: Yeah! And get this I just got off the elevator with him and I tested him, I tested him, like I...this is what I said to him, like I, I was like this, I went, Oh, by the way, I know about the stuff.
Kramer: ..you know, very casually,
Jerry: Right.
Kramer: (cont'd) so that he was gonna take me into his confidence.
Elaine: So what did he say?
Kramer: What stuff?
Jerry: Ooh, (to Elaine) case closed!
Kramer: No, you dont understand, you see, he swallowed. See, the guy, he swallowed. Oh, he was nervous about something! Now, Im gonna go over there, Im gonna borrow some tea. If I dont get back in five minutes, maybe youd better call the police.
Jerry: Okay, starting...NOW!
Kramer: Yeah!
Jerry: One of the problems in life is that when you're a kid, you have a certain way of working out disagreements. And those laws do not work in the adult world. One of the main ways that kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. One of them says, I got the front seat I wanted the front seat! I called it. And the other kid knows hes got nothing to say He called it. What can I do? If there was a Kid Court Of Law, it holds up. Your Honour, my client did ask for the front seat And the judge would go, Did he call it? Well no, he didnt call- BANG! (Jerry imitates a judge banging his gavel.) He has to call it, case closed. Objection overruled.
George: I love the mirror in that bathroom! I dont know what in the hell it is. I look terrific in that mirror. (George sits.) I dont know if its the tile or the lighting... I feel like Robert Wagner.
Jerry: Its a good mirror. (They look at their menus.) So, what are you gettin?
George: I dont know, I cant eat. You, you cant have anything anymore. Look at this, look at this. Eggs out. Coffee out. French fries out. BLT out! I go to visit my grandparents three big brisket sandwiches, Im sittin here with a carrot! They're closing in on a hundred, Im sayin to them, How can you eat that stuff? (They look at their menus again.) Im so sick about losin that choose, you dont know.
Jerry: All right, forget it, forget it. Im not taking the place!
George: What?!
Jerry: How can I live there?
George: Why not?!
Jerry: Look at you, you're still thinking about it. Ill never feel comfortable.
George: Oh, get outta here.
Jerry: How can I ever have you over? You'll sit there moping.
George: I wont mope.
Jerry: You're already moping! Would you take the place?
George: No, impossible! Its your apartment.
Jerry: You found the place.
George: You won the choose.
Jerry: All right, forget it, its over, Im not moving.
George: Well, me neither.
Jerry: Definitely?
George: Definitely.
Jerry: Alright, then just get rid of it. You wont have any problem.
George: No, its not a problem, I can get rid of the apartment this afternoon.
Carol: What apartment?
George: Oh, its a great place, its uh two-bedroom uh, west 83rd bout half block from the park.
Carol: Whats the rent?
George: I dont know, what were doin here, this is ridiculous.
Jerry: She wanted to thank us for the apartment.
Elaine: I cant believe I lost the deposit on that U-Haul. And I threw out my couch.
Jerry: If only the coin hadn't hit the table.
George: The table is interference, you know it!
Jerry: It is not!
George: It is too!
Elaine: My roommate starts rehearsal tonight on Carousel.
Carol: Hi.
George: Hi, Carol.
Carol: I just wanted to introduce you to my husband, this is Larry.
Carol: This is George, Elaine and Jerry. These are the guys who got us the apartment.
Larry: Oh, you dont know how grateful I am, if theres anything I can ever do to repay you, I, I mean, were just so thrilled with this place.
Carol: Its a dream.
Larry: Im running in the park now, Ive lost weight, were barbecuing every night and the rent is unbelievable.
George: Were really glad for you.
Elaine: Couldn't be happier.
Jerry: Its wonderful.
Carol: Diane, Diane, come here.
Carol: This is my new next door neighbour, Diane.
Carol: (to Diane) These are the guys, who turned this place down, can you believe it? (to Jerry, George and Elaine) Diane gave me the greatest backrub today. Shes a masseuse!
Diane: How, how could you guys have turned this place down, its such a great location and its...so close to the park.
George: Were aware of the proximity to the park, yes.
Diane: Well, it was nice to meet you.
George: Nice meeting you.
Jerry: How late are the stores open? Im thinking of maybe uh, buying a new TV and smash it over my head.
Man #1: I get a call from Gilmour this morning, and get this they're restructuring the organization in Atlanta and I gotta be there on the first of the month.
Man #2: Really? What are you gonna bout the apartment?
Man #1: Well, what can I do? Give it up.
Jerry, George & Elaine: Whats the rent?


Jerry: Most men like working on things. Tools, objects, fixing things. This is what men enjoy doing. Have you ever noticed a guys out in his driveway working on something with tools, how all the other men in the neighborhood are magnetically drawn to this activity. They just come wandering out of the house like zombies. Men, its true, men hear a drill, its like a dog whistle. Just... (his head perks up) you know, they go running up to that living room curtain, Honey, I think Jims working on something over there. So they run over to the guy. Now they dont actually help the guy. No, they just want to hang around the area where work is being done. That's what men want to do. We want to watch the guy, we want to talk to him, we want to ask him dumb questions. You know, What are you using, a Phillips-head? You know, we feel involved. That's why when they have construction sites, they have to have those wood panel fences around it, that's just to keep the men out. They cut those little holes for us so we can see what the hell is going on. But if they dont cut those holes, we are climbing those fences. Right over there. What are you using the steel girders down there? Yeah, that'll hold.
George: I had to say something. (chuckles) I had to say something. Everything was going so well. I had to say something.
Jerry: I dont think you did anything wrong.
George: I told her I liked her. Why? Why did I tell her I like her? I have this sick compulsion to tell women how I feel. I like you I dont tell you.
Jerry: We can only thank God for that.
George: Im outta the picture. I am outta the picture. (laughs) Its only a matter of time now.
Jerry: You're imagining this. Really.
George: Oh, no. No no no no.
George: Ill tell you when it happened. When that floss came flying out of my pocket.
Jerry: What floss? When?
George: We were in the lobby during the intermission of the play. I was buying her one of those containers of orange drink, for five dollars. I reached into my pocket to pay for it, I looked down; theres this piece of green floss hanging from my fingers.
Jerry: Ah, mint.
George: Of course. So, Im looking at it. I look up, I see shes looking at it. Our eyes lock. It was a horrible moment. I just..
Jerry: So let me get this straight. She saw the floss, you panicked and you told her you liked her.
George: If I didnt put that floss in my pocket, Id be crawling around her bedroom right now looking for my glasses.
Jerry: And you're sure the floss was the catalyst?
George: Yes, I am.
Jerry: You dont think it might've had anything to do with that?
George: What? You dont like this?
Jerry: It looks like your belt is digesting a small animal.
Kramer: (to the phone) Oh, they've got a cure for cancer. See, its all big business. Oh hey, Jerry just walked in. Hi, George. (to the phone again) Yeah yeah yeah yeah take my number. 555-8643. Okay, here he is.
Jerry: (to Kramer) Who is it?
Kramer: Take it.
Jerry: Who is it?
Kramer: Its for you.
Jerry: (to the phone) Hello? (disappointed) Oh, hi Joel. (Jerry hits Kramer with a magazine.) No. Uh, I was out of town. I just got back. Kramer doesnt know anything. Hes just my next-door neighbor. Uh, nothing much... Tuesday? Uh, Tuesday, no. Im meeting somebody... Uh, Wednesday? Wednesdays okay... All right. Uh, Im a little busy right now. Can we talk Wednesday morning?... Okay... Yeah... Right... Thanks... Bye. (Jerry hangs up; to Kramer) Why did you put me on the phone with him? I hate just being handed a phone.
Kramer: Well, its your phone. He wanted to talk to you.
Jerry: Maybe I didnt want to talk to him.
Kramer: Well, why not?
Jerry: He bothers me. I dont even answer the phone anymore because of him. Hes turned me into a screener. Now I gotta go see him on Wednesday.
George: What do you mean Wednesday? I though we had tickets to the Knick game Wednesday. We got seats behind the bench! What happened? Were not going?
Jerry: Were going. That's next Wednesday.
George: Oh. Who is this guy?
Jerry: His name is Joel Horneck. He lived like three houses down from me when I grew up. He had a Ping Pong table. We were friends. Should I suffer the rest of my life because I like to play Ping Pong? I was ten. I would've been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping Pong table. Hes so self-involved.
Kramer: That's for me. (to the phone) Kramerica Industries. Oh, hi, Mark. No no no. Forget that. I got a better idea. A pizza place where you make your own pie...
Jerry: Can you conduct your business elsewhere?
Kramer: (ignoring Jerry) No no no. Im talking about a whole chain of em. Yeah.
George: I dont know why you even bother with this ping pong guy, Ill tell you that.
Jerry: I dont bother with him. Hes been calling me for seven years. Ive never called him once! Hes got the attention span of a five-year-old. Sometimes I sit there and I make up things just to see if hes paying attention.
George: I dont understand why you spend time with this guy.
Jerry: What can I do? Break up with him? Tell him, I dont think were right for each other. Hes a guy! At least with a woman, theres a precedent. You know, the relationship goes sour, you end it.
George: No no no no, you have to approach this as if he was a woman.
Jerry: Just break up with him?
George: Absolutely. You just tell him the truth.
Jerry: The Truth.
Jerry: As a guy I dont know how I can break up with another guy. You know what I mean? I dont know how to say, Bill, I feel I need to see other men. Do you know what I mean? Theres nothing I can do. I have to wait for someone to die. I think that's the only way out of this relationship. It could be a long time. See, the great thing about guys is that we can become friends based on almost nothing. Just two guys will just become friends just because they're two guys. That's almost all we need to have in common. Cause sports sports and women is really all we talk about. If there was no sports and no women the only thing guys would ever say is, So, whats in the refrigerator?
Joel: ...so my shrink wants me to bring my mother in for a session. This guy is a brilliant man. Lenny Bruce used to go to him. And I think, uh, Geraldo.
Jerry: You know, I read the Lenny Bruce biography, I thought it was really... interesting. He would-
Joel: (to the counter of the restaurant) Hey hey hey hey, were starving here! Weve been waiting here for ten minutes already!
Jerry: (testing Joel) So, Im thinking about going to Iran this summer.
Joel: I have to eat! I mean, Im hypoglycemic.
Jerry: Anyway, the Hizballah has invited me to perform. (Joel shakes his head agreeing; Jerry smiles) You know, its their annual terrorist luncheon.
Joel: Yeah.
Jerry: (cont'd) Im gonna do it in Farsi.
Joel: Do you think I need a haircut?
Claire: Are you ready?
Jerry: Yeah, Ill have the egg salad on whole wheat.
Joel: (to the waitress) Let me ask you a question. This, uh, this turkey sandwich here, is that real turkey, or is it a turkey roll? I dont want that processed turkey. (to Jerry) I hate it.
Waitress: I think its real turkey.
Joel: Is there a real bird in the back?
Waitress: No, theres not bird but-
Joel: Well, how do you know for sure? Look, why dont you do me a favor. Why dont you go in the back and find out, okay? (The waitress leaves.) Unbelievable.
Jerry: How can you talk to someone like that?
Joel: What are you saying? What, you like turkey roll?
Jerry: Listen, Joel. Theres something I have to tell you...
Joel: (laughing) Wait, you'll never guess who I ran into.
Jerry And Joel: Howard Metro.
Joel: He asked me if I still saw you. I said, Sure, I see him all the time. Were still great friends. Anyway, Howard says hello. (laughs)
Jerry: Listen, Joel, I dont think we should see each other anymore.
Joel: What?
Jerry: This friendship Its not working.
Joel: Not working? What are you talking about?
Jerry: Were just not suited to be friends.
Joel: How can you say that?
Jerry: Look, you're a nice guy, its just that... we dont have anything in common.
Joel: (starting to cry) Wai-Wait. What did I do? Tell me. I want to know what I did.
Jerry: Y-You didnt do anything. Its not you, its me. Its- this is very difficult.
Joel: Look, I know I call you too much, right? I mean, I know you're a very busy guy.
Jerry: No, its not that.
Joel: (crying) You're one of the few people I can talk to.
Jerry: Oh, come on. That's not true.
Joel: I always tell everybody about you. Tell everybody to (to the rest of the coffee shop) GO SEE HIS SHOW! (to Jerry) I mean, Im your biggest fan!
Jerry: I know, I know.
Joel: I mean, you're my best friend.
Jerry: Best friend- Ive never been to your apartment.
Joel: I cannot believe that this is happening. I cant believe it.
Jerry: Okay, okay. Forget it. Its okay. I didnt mean it.
Joel: Didnt mean what?
Jerry: What I said. Ive been under a lot of stress.
Joel: Oh, you've been under a lot of stress.
Jerry: Just, can we just forget the whole thing ever happend? Im sorry. I didnt mean it. I took it out on you. Were still friends. Were still friends. Still friends. Okay? Look, Ill tell you what. Ive got Knick tickets this Wednesday. Great seats behind the bench. You want to come with me? Come on.
Joel: Tonight?
Jerry: No, next Wednesday. If it was tonight, I would've said tonight.
Joel: Do you really want me to go?
Jerry: (lying) Yes.
Joel: Okay. (Jerry gives him some napkins to clean himself up) Yeah, okay. Great! That would be, thatd be great. So, next Wednesday.
Jerry: Next Wednesday.
Joel: Where is that waitress? (to the counter) Hey!
George: ...she calls me up at my office
Jerry: Yeah.
George: (cont'd) she says, We have to talk.
Jerry: Ugh, the four worst words in the English language.
George: That, or Who'sbra is this?
Jerry: That is worse.
George: So we order lunch, and were talking. Finally, she blurts out how its not working.
Jerry: Really.
George: So, Im thinking, as shes saying this, Im thinking great, the relationships over. But the egg salads on the way. So now I have a decision Do I walk or do I eat?
Jerry: Hm. You ate.
George: We sat there for twenty minutes, chewing, staring at each other in a defunct relationship.
Jerry: Someone says, Get out of my life, and that doesnt affect your appetite?
George: Have you ever had their egg salad?
Jerry: It is unbelievable.
George: Its unbelievable. You know what else is unbelievable? I picked up the check. She didnt even offer. She ended it. The least she could do is send me off with a sandwich.
Jerry: How much could you possibly have in there?
George: Its my money. What should I do? Throw it out the window? I know a guy who took his vacation on his change.
Jerry: Yeah? Where'd he go, to an arcade?
George: (sarcastically) That's funny. You're a funny guy.
Jerry: Cmon, move up.
Customer: Oh great, Ewings hurt.
George: Ewings hurt? How long is he going to be out?
Customer: A couple of days at the most but...
George: Geez.
Jerry: Oh, God.
George: I got scared there for a second. The Knicks without Ewing.
Jerry: Listen, George, little problem with the game.
George: What about it?
Jerry: The thing is, yesterday, I kind of.. uh..
George: What?
Jerry: I gave your ticket to Horneck.
George: (not believing him) You what?!
Jerry: Yeah, Im sorry. I had to give it to Horneck.
George: No! My ticket?! You gave my ticket to Horneck?
Jerry: Cmon, cmon, go ahead, move up.
George: Why did you give him my ticket for?
Jerry: You didnt see him. It was horrible.
George: Oh, cmon, Jerry. I cant believe this.
Jerry: I had to do it.
George: Oh, please. (to the teller) Can you change this into bills?
Teller: Im sorry, sir. We cant do that.
Jerry: Do you want to go with him? You go. I dont mind.
George: Im not going with him. I dont even know the guy. (to the teller) Look, they did this for me before.
Teller: Look, I can give you these and you can roll them yourself.
George: You want me to roll six thousand of these?! What, should I quit my job?!
Jerry: No, I do not like the bank. Ive heard the expression Laughing all the way to the bank. I have never seen anyone actually doing it. And those bank lines. I hate it when theres nobody on the line at all, you know that part, you go to the bank, its empty and you still have to go through the little maze. (walking on the stage like he is going through a maze) Can you get a little piece of cheese for me? Im almost at the front. Id like a reward for this please.
George: ...thirty-two, thirty-three-
Jerry: George.
George: Not now.
Jerry: Could you stop the counting?
George: Nnnnnnngaaa!
George: What?!
Jerry: Can I make it up to you? Ill give you fifty bucks for the jug.
George: Oh, yeah, sure. Keep your money.
Jerry: Well, then Im not going to the game either. Okay? Ill give him both tickets.
George: Oh geeeee. (George pantomimes sticking a knife in his heart, and twists it.) Go, go!
Jerry: I- no, I dont want to go.
George: He was really crying?
Jerry: I had to give him a tissue. In fact, let me call his machine now and Ill just make up some excuse why I cant go to the game either.
George: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. As long as you're going to lie to the guy, why dont you tell him that you lost both of the tickets, then we can go?
Jerry: George, the man wept.
Kramer: Oh, hey guys. Man, Im telling you, this pizza idea, is really going to happen.
George: This is the thing where you go and you have to make your own pizza?
Kramer: Yeah, we give you the dough, you smash it, you pound it, you fling it in the air. And then you get to put your sauce and you get to sprinkle your cheese, and then- you slide it into the oven.
George: You know, you have to know how to do that. You cant have people shoving their arms into a six-hundred degree oven!
Kramer: Its all supervised.
George: Oh, well...
Kramer: All of it. You want to invest?
George: My moneys all tied up in change right now.
Kramer: No, Im tellin you, people, they really want to make their own pizza pie.
Jerry: I-I have to say something. With all due respect, I just never- I cant imagine anyone in any walk of life, under any circumstance, wanting to make their own pizza pie... but that's me. Alright
Kramer: That's you.
Jerry: Im just saying..Alright.
Kramer: Okay, okay. I just wanted to check with you guys.
Jerry: Okay.
Kramer: You know, this business is going to be big. I just wanted- okay.
Kramer: One day, you'll beg me to make your own pie.
Jerry: (to the phone) Hi, Joel. This is Jerry. I hope you get this before you- Oh, Hi. Joel... Oh, you just came in... Listen, I cant make it to the game tonight... I, uh, have to tutor my nephew... Yeah, hes got an exam tomorrow... Geometry... You know, trapezoids, rhombus... Anyway, listen, you take the tickets. They're at the Will-Call window... And Im really sorry... Have a good time... Well talk next week... Okay... Yeah, I dont... Fine.. Fine... Bye.
George: Trapezoid?
Jerry: I know. Im really running out of excuses with this guy. I need some kind of excuse rolodex.
Elaine: Come on, lets go do something. I dont wanna just sit around here.
Jerry: Okay.
Elaine: Want to go get something to eat?
Jerry: Where do you want to go?
Elaine: I dont care, Im not hungry.
Jerry: We could go to one of those uh cappuccino places. They let you just sit there.
Elaine: What are we gonna do there? Talk?
Jerry: We could talk.
Elaine: Ill go if I dont have to talk.
Jerry: Then well just sit there.
Elaine: Okay. Im gonna check my machine first. (Elaine sees a pad of paper by the phone; reading) Picking someone up at the airport, jury duty, waiting for cable guy...
Jerry: Okay, just hand that over, please.
Elaine: Oh, what is this?
Jerry: Its a list of excuses, its for that guy, Horneck, whos at the game tonight with my tickets. I have that list now so in case he calls, I just consult it and I dont have to see him. (Elaine laughs.) I need it. (Elaine starts writing on the list.) What are you doing?
Elaine: I got some for you.
Jerry: I dont need any more.
Elaine: No no no no no, these are good. Listen, listen You ran out of underwear, you cant leave the house.
Jerry: (not amused) Very funny.
Elaine: How about You've been diagnosed as a multiple personality. You're not even you. You're Dan.
Jerry: Im Dan. Can I have my list back, please?
Elaine: Here, here. Jerry Seinfeld, I cannot believe you're doing this. This is absolutely infantile.
Jerry: What can I do?
Elaine: Deal with it. Be a man!
Jerry: Oh no. That's impossible. Id rather lie to him for the rest of my life that go through that again. He was crying. Tears. Accompanied by mucus.
Elaine: You made a man cry? Ive never made a man cry. I even kicked a guy in the groin once and he didnt cry. I got the cab.
Jerry: Couple of tough monkeys.
Kramer: Oh, hi Elaine, hey. (to Jerry) Hey, you missed a great game tonight, buddy!
Jerry: Game?
Kramer: Knick game. Horneck took me. We were sitting two rows behind the bench. We're getting hit by sweat!
Jerry: Wait. How does Horneck know you?
Kramer: Last week. When I, you know, gave you the phone. Hes really into my pizza place idea!
Jerry: This is too much.
Elaine: Wait, what pizza place idea?
Jerry: Oh, no.
Kramer: You get to make your own pie!
Elaine: Oh, that sounds like a great idea. It would be fun.
Kramer: Yea.
Joel: (from the hallway) Kramer.
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: Perfect.
Joel: Hey.
Kramer: Okay, who wants meatloaf?
Jerry & Elaine: No thanks.
Kramer: (to Joel) Its gonna be hot in a minute.
Joel: So, I though you were tutoring your nephew?
Jerry: Oh, we finished early.
Joel: M-hm, Ill bet. So, are you going to introduce me to your nephew?
Jerry: Elaine Benes, this is Joel Horneck.
Elaine: Hi.
Joel: Whoa, Nelson! This is Elaine? I though you guys split?
Jerry: Were still friends.
Joel: So, thanks again for those tickets. But next week, Im going to take you. How about next Tuesday night? (to Elaine) And why dont you come along?
Elaine: Oh, no no. Tuesdays uh no good becasue weve got choir practice.
Jerry: Right. I forgot about choir.
Elaine: We-Were doing that evening of Eastern European National Anthems.
Jerry: Right. You know, the Wall being down and everything.
Joel: What about Thursday night? I mean they're playing the Sonics.
Elaine: Huh... Thursday is no good because weve got to get to the hospital to see if we qualify as those organ donors.
Joel: You know, I should really try something like that.
Jerry: You really should.
Joel: Well, lets just take a look here.
Joel: Forty-one home games. Let's see saturday night weve got the Mavericks. If you dont like the Mavericks, next Tuesday Lakers. I mean, you gotta like Magic, right? Lets see, on the road, on the road, on the road, on the road, back on the fourteenth. They play the Bulls. You cant miss Air Jordan...
Jerry: You know, I really... Ive come to the conclusion that there are certain friends in your life that they're just always your friends, and you have to accept it. You see them, you dont really wanna see them. You dont call them, they call you. You dont call back, they call again. The only way to get through talking with people that you dont really have anything in common with is to pretend you're hosting your own little talk show. This is what I do. You pretend theres a little desk around you. The only problem with this is theres no way you can say, Hey, its been great having you on the show. Were out of time.


Jerry: Went out to dinner the other night. Check came at the end of the meal, as it always does. Never liked the check at the end of the meal system, because moneys a very different thing before and after you eat. Before you eat, money has no value. And you dont care about money when you're hungry. You sit down at a restaurant, you're like the ruler of an empire. More drinks, appetizers, quickly, quickly! It will be the greatest meal of our lives. Then after the meal, you know, you've got the pants open, you've got the napkins destroyed, cigarette butt in the mashed potatoes. Then the check comes at that moment. People are always upset, you know. They're mystified by the check. What is this? How could this be? They start passing it around the table, Does this look right to you? Were not hungry now. Why are we buying all this food?
Jerry: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.
George: I never heard him say anything really funny.
Jerry: But its common sense. Hes got super strength, super speed. Im sure hes got super humor.
George: You would think that, but either you're born with a sense of humor, or you're not. Its not going to change even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth.
Jerry: Why? Why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of Earth?
George: I dont know. But he aint funny.
Elaine: I know, I know. Im sorry Im late.
Jerry: No problem.
Elaine: I dropped a grape.
George: Pardon?
Elaine: I dropped a grape in the kitchen and it disappeared. I couldn't find it. I was, I was literally on my knees for ten minutes looking for this stupid grape. I have no idea where it went.
Jerry: Were you crying? I mean, its just a grape. You'll find it.
Elaine: No, Im just getting over an allergy attack. This guy Im going out with...
Jerry: Robert.
Elaine: Robert. Yes. Thank you. He has two cats and Im allergic to them. You know, I finally meet a normal man, and I cant even go into his apartment, you know. And, of course, my apartment is the actors studio so we cant go there. Its really causing a lot of problems, you know. He wont even go away for the weekend because of these cats.
George: Guys with cats... I dont know.
Jerry: Ive been thinking about asking this girl Im, uh, seeing-
Elaine: Vanessa.
Jerry: Vanessa, thank you. Ive been thinking about asking her to go away for a couple of days.
George: Oh, no. No no no no no. Id have to advise against that. What, do you know this woman a month? Lets see, you're going to be with her seventy-two hours. That's a dating decathlon.
Elaine: (balancing a spoon on her nose) Hey, why dont you take her to that place in Vermont I was telling you about? You know, that really charming place with the separate faucets for the hot and cold. Shell love it.
George: That's exquisite. Listen, uh, if its not too much trouble, could you pass me that paper over there?
Jerry: You better find that grape before it mutates into another life form. There was once a mutant grape that terrorized an entire town in the Texas panhandle. They brought in the army, nobody could stop it. Apparently it had a pit of steel.
George: Up again?! This is incredible! Im.. Im getting it.
Elaine: You're getting what?
George: A stock.
Jerry: What stock?
George: Did you ever meet my friend, Simons?
Jerry: Maybe.
George: He knows this guy, Wilkinson. He made a fortune in the stock market. Now hes got some new thing. You know, theres supposed to be a big merger. He wasnt even supposed to say anything. You guys should think about doing this too.
Jerry: How highs it suppose to go?
George: I dont know. But Simons said that if I wanted to get involved, that Wilkinson would tell me the exact right minute to sell. You wanna do it?
Jerry: Boy... I dont know.
Elaine: Id do it but I dont have any money.
Jerry: What kind of company is it?
George: Its called Sendrax. Theyve got some new kind of technique for televising opera.
Elaine: Televising opera?
George: Some sort of electronic thingy.
Jerry: Well, how much are you going to invest?
George: Five thousand... Ten. Ten thousand. Five thousand.
Jerry: Boy...
George: Cmon. Wilkinsons got millions invested in this stock. Its gone up three points since Ive been watching it.
Jerry: What if I lose it?
George: Cmon, go for twenty-five hundred. Well do it together. Come on, come on. Were in it together.
Jerry: All right. Twenty-five hundred.
George: That's it.
Waitress: Yeah, can I take your order?
George: (Gesturing to Jerry) Check the raiser.
Jerry: My bet? All right. Ill open with a tuna sandwich.
Elaine: Tuna?
Jerry: Oh, the dolphin thing?
Elaine: They're dying in the nets.
Jerry: Ohhh... You know, the whole concept of lunch is based on tuna.
Elaine: Jerry, cant you incorporate one unselfish act in your daily routine?
Jerry: Hey, when Im driving, I let people in ahead of me all the time. Im always waving everybody in. Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. ...All right. All right. Ill have a chicken salad.
Elaine: And Im going to have an English muffin with margarine on the side and a cup of coffee.
Waitress: Okay. (To George) What about you?
George: Ill have the tuna.
Jerry: I have to say, those people talking behind us really ruined that movie for me.
Vanessa: Why didnt you do something?
Jerry: What do you want me to do? I gave the guy the half-turn. (acts like he did in the movie) Then I gave him the full-turn with the eye roll. (does the next look) I mean, beyond that, Im risking a punch in the mouth. (To a stock boy) Excuse me, do you have these in the puffs?
Stock Boy: No puffs. Just flakes.
Jerry : Have you thought any more about that trip?
Vanessa: Yeah, Ive been thinking about it.
Jerry: You know, my friend told me about this great place in Vermont.
Vanessa: I dont know. I just worry about trips like this. Its a lot of pressure.
Jerry: Its great! It speeds up the intimacy level. Its like putting the relationship in a time compressor. Where we would be six months from now we accomplish (snaps his fingers) three days.
Vanessa: Oh, so you want to move our relationship into Phase Two?
Jerry: Exactly. I love Phase Two. Extra toothbrushes, increased phone call frequency, walking around naked. You know, the presents get a lot better in Phase Two.
Vanessa: Really? Could we go fishing up there?
Jerry: Yeah. We can fish. What? Blues, carp, marlin?
Vanessa: They have marlin in Vermont?
Jerry: Oh, big fighting marlin. (Jerry acts like he is catching a marlin)
Vanessa: Jerry, the stock is the same as when you checked it earlier. There are no changes after the market closes. The stock is still down.
Jerry : I know. But this is a different paper. I thought maybe they have, uh, different... sources.
Jerry: Is that my paper?
Kramer: Bad news, my friend.
Jerry: What? What news?
Kramer : Sendrax.
Jerry: Oh, cmon! Its down again?!
Kramer: Two and a half points.
Jerry: Oh, I cant believe it. Let me see that. (Jerry takes the paper.) That's four and a half points in three days! That's almost half my money!
Kramer: Hey, I told you.
Jerry: (sarcastic) Yeah, you told me.
Kramer: Its all manipulated with junk bonds. You cant win.
Jerry: Theres one thing I dont understand. Why does it please you? (to the phone) George Costanza, please.
Kramer: Hey, I dont care. Im just telling you to (yelling) get rid of that stock, now!
Jerry: (to the phone) George, whats going on?!
Kramer: Sell it, just say Im selling!
Jerry: (to the phone) Well, where is the guy?!... Nothing?! Almost half my moneys gone... Well, call me right back. (Jerry hangs up.) Nobody can reach Wilkinson. He hasnt been home or in his office in the past three days!
Kramer: You know, I cant believe you put your money in that Sendrax. And you couldve invested in my roll-out tie dispenser.
Jerry: Roll-out tie dispenser? What was that one?
Kramer: Okay, you're in a restaurant. You've got a very big meeting coming up...
Jerry: Okay...
Kramer: (looks at his shirt as if he had a tie on) Oh man, you got mustard on your tie!
Jerry: (going along with it) Oh No!
Kramer: You just (makes the tearing sound) tear it off, and vvvvrrrpppp you got a new one right here. Then you're gone.
Jerry: You're gone all right.
Kramer: (Looking at map) Hey, where, where are you going? You gonna take a trip? The map... what...
Jerry: Yeah, Im going to Vermont with uh Vanessa for a few days.
Kramer: Hey, can I use your place? I got a bunch of friends coming over this weekend.
Jerry: What friends?
Kramer: Well, its just some people I met at a rock concert. (Phone rings.) Do you mind if they use your bed? (Jerry give Kramer a look.) Cause they're really good people, Jerry. Im telling you. You know, they're anarchists. They're.. they're.. they're.. huge.
Jerry: George- What?! You're kidding... Well, whats wrong?... So, what are we gonna do?... Great!... All right, Ill speak to you later. (He hangs up.) Wilkinson, the guy whos supposed to tell us when to sell the stock, hes in the hospital.
Jerry: So you dont know whats wrong with him?
George: All Simons was able to find out is that hes in the hospital.
Jerry: Okay, fine. Has Simons been in touch with him?
George: Of course hes been in touch with him. Hes left two messages. He just hasnt heard back yet, that's all.
Jerry: Well, this is it. Im selling.
George: Just give it a little more time.
Jerry: I never shouldve gotten involved in this. Im a nervous wreck. Im not cut out for investing.
George: All right, all right. That's it. Im gonna go down there.
Jerry: Where?
George: To the hospital.
Jerry: The hospital?
George: Im going to find out whats going on. All right?
Jerry: Are you nuts? You dont even know the guy.
George: So what? Ill start talking to him, you know, casual, and Ill work my way around to it.
Jerry: What if hes in an iron lung or something? What are you gonna do? (Jerry knocks on imaginary glass.) How you feeling, Mr. Wilkinson? (He makes a hissing sound.) By the way, whats happening with Sendrax?
George: Maybe hes resting.
Jerry: Who goes to the hospital to rest?
George: What are you, a doctor?
Jerry: Okay, fine, fine. When are you going down there?
George: Today. Im going today. Just dont do anything until you hear from me.
Jerry: All right.
George: (to the woman) Boy, I have to get to a bathroom.
Dry Cleaner: (to Jerry) May I help you?
Jerry: Yeah. I picked up this shirt here yesterday. Its completely shrunk. Theres absolutely no way I can wear it.
Dry Cleaner: When did you bring it in?
Jerry: Whats the difference? Look at it! Do you see the size of this shirt?!
Dry Cleaner: You got a receipt?
Jerry: I cant find the receipt.
Dry Cleaner: You should get the receipt.
Jerry: Look, forget about the receipt, all right? Even if I had the receipt- look at it! Its a hand puppet. What am I gonna do with this?!
Dry Cleaner: Yes, but how do I know we did the shirt?
Jerry: What do you think this is a little scam I have? I take this tiny shirt all over the city conning dry cleaners out of money? In fact, forget the money. I dont even want the money. I just once, I would like to hear a dry cleaner admit that something was their fault. That's what I want. I want an admission of guilt.
Dry Cleaner: Maybe you asked for it to be washed.
Jerry: No! Dry-cleaned.
Dry Cleane: Let me explain to you something, okay? With certain types of fabrics, different chemicals can react, causing-
Jerry: You shrunk it! You know you shrunk it! Just tell me that you shrunk it!
Dry Cleaner: (looks around making sure not too many people are listening) I shrunk it.
Jerry: I think the only reason we go to the dry cleaner is so I can say to the dry cleaner, Well, its ruined. And of course, the dry cleaner can respond, Its not our fault. Were not responsible. We just ruin the clothes. That ends our legal obligation. You see, the whole problem with dry cleaning is that we all believe that this is actually possible. Th-Right? They're cleaning our clothes, but they're not getting anything wet. Its all dry. I know theres gotta be some liquids back there, some fluids that they're using. Theres no such thing as dry cleaning. When you get something on your shirt, ever get something on your shirt and try to get it off like that (Jerry brushes off his shirt.) That's dry cleaning. I dont think that's what they're doing back there. They dont have eighty guys going, Come on, hurry up! Theres a lot of shirts today!
Jerry: Bless you.
Elaine: Thank you. What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What do they do? Because they're clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he cant count to ten, so dont give me hygiene.
Jerry : So what are you gonna do?
Elaine: I dont know. I cant think of any solution, unless of course they should meet with some unfortunate accident. What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats?
Jerry: Well, it couldn't be too expensive. Thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat?
Elaine: What do you think, Jerry? You wanna make twenty-eight bucks?
Jerry: Im no cat killer.
Elaine: How about we go over there right now and we shave them?
Jerry: Id really like to go, Elaine. But, George is coming back from the hospital. I gotta wait for him. But otherwise I would definitely go.
Elaine: He actually went to the hospital?
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: Oh man, hes nuts.
Jerry: Yeah, hes nuts. You wanta bump off a couple of cats. (Enter Kramer, holding a paper up to Jerry.) I know, I know. Its down again.
Kramer: How much are you down altogether?
Jerry: I dont know.. fifteen hundred dollars.
Kramer: Wow.
Jerry: You dont have to say Wow. I know its Wow. (Kramer smiling) And theres that smile again. Well, what is that? (Intercom buzzes.) Its George.
Kramer: Oh, look at this one by the bus stop. Jerry, come here. Take a look at this.
Jerry: I really dont need to look.
Kramer: What a body. Yeeaahh. That's for me.
Jerry: Yeah, and you're just what shes looking for too a stranger leering through a pair of binoculars ten floors up.
Kramer: Im gonna go down there and try and talk to her.
Jerry: What? What? Did you go down there? (George nods.) Did he tell you whats gonna happen? (George shakes his head.) How long were you there?
George: Fifteen seconds.
Jerry: You told him you knew Simons?
George: Yeah, I mentioned Simons. Next thing I know, Im in the parking lot. Perhaps they had some sort of a falling out. Ill tell you one thing. I dont know what hes got. But for a sick guy, hes very strong.
Jerry: Well, that's it. Look, Im going to Vermont. I dont want to think about this. Im selling.
Elaine: Didnt work, huh?
George: (laughs) Not quite.
Elaine: We-Well, what are you gonna do about the stock?
George: Im keeping it. Im going down with the ship.
Jerry: So I know this guy. Im getting all my sneakers at a discount now.
Vanessa: I know. You mentioned it.
Jerry: Oh yeah, right.
Jerry: (thinking) Oh God. Get me out of here. What a mistake. What made me think this would work? And Ive still got another day! Ive got nothing left to say. Wait... wait... Got one. (to Vanessa) That's a nice watch. Do you wind it?
Vanessa: No, its got a little battery.
Jerry: Well, that's good.
Jerry: (thinking) Well, the drive home should be a delight. Im speeding the whole way. Let them throw me in jail. I dont care. (to Vanessa) That's the manager? Do you want me to see if we can get another room?
Vanessa: No, its okay.
Jerry: So, I guess you dont find the separate faucets for the hot and cold, charming?
Vanessa: Not especially.
Jerry: Well, what do you want to do this afternoon?
Vanessa: What can we do? Its raining.
Jerry: We cold play Sorry! We cold play Steal the Old Mans Bundle. (Vanessa not amused; Jerry thinking) Maybe I can get an extension cord and hang myself. (to Vanessa) What kind of perfume is that you're wearing?
Vanessa: Oh, you've never heard of it.
Jerry: No, what? What kind is it?
Vanessa: I cant tell you.
Jerry: (thinking) Yeah, that's normal. (to a man nearby) Excuse me, sir. Could I have a look at that business section?
Vanessa: That stock? I thought you got out of that?
Jerry: I did. Im just curious. Its been almost a week. I want to check it out. (He finds the stock.) Six points? (to Vanessa) Its up six points!
Vanessa: I told you not to sell.
Jerry: You did not tell me not to sell.
Vanessa: I said the market fluctuates. Remember?
Jerry: Look, Vanessa, of course the market fluctuates. Everybody knows that. I just got fluctuated out of four thousand dollars!
Vanessa: That's probably why we're-
Jerry: What?
Vanessa: Forget it.
Jerry: No, what? That's probably why..
Vanessa: That's probably why were staying here, because you lost money on the stock.
Jerry: (thinking) So, what am I looking at here? Twenty-nine hours to go. Well, at least I got plenty of time to find out the name of that perfume...
George: (laughing) Have something else. Cmon, have a little dessert?
Jerry : Im good, thanks.
George: Elaine, get something! Its all taken care of.
Elaine: Im kinda full.
George: So dont finish it.
Jerry: (acidly) Shes full. So, Big Daddy. Im just curious. How much did you clear on your little transaction there, all told?
George: I dont like to discuss figures.
Jerry: How much?
George: I dont know, what? Eight thousand. Its a Hyundai. Get out of here. I told you not to sell. Simons made money, Wilkinson cleaned up.
Jerry: So, Wilkinsons out of the hospital now?
George : No. Youd be surprised. You dont recover that quickly from a nose job.
Elaine: Oh god.
Jerry: Is that still from the cats?
Elaine: No, I just have a cold.
Jerry: So, what ever happened with that?
Elaine: I gave him an ultimatum.
George: He chose the cats?
Elaine: They're very clean animals.
Jerry: I gotta say, that's pretty sad. Losing out to a cat.
Elaine: Almost as bad as losing out to a perfume.
George: I told you those trips were relationship killers. Too bad you cant get your buddy Superman to fly around the Earth at super speed and reverse time. Youd get all the money back, you could have avoided the whole trip to Vermont...
Elaine: Superman can go back in time?
Jerry: We went over that.
George: Pst. (moves in close with Elaine and Jerry) Wilkinsons got a bite on a new one. Petramco Corp. Out of, uh Springfield. I think. They're about to introduce some sort of a robot butcher.
Jerry: A robot butcher?
George: Shhhhh. If you want to get in, theres very little time. (calling to the waitress) Sweetheart.. (Waitress approaches and tears off a check. George stops her.) No, no, no. That ought to cover it. (He hands her some money; she turns to leave; George stops her.) Just a second. Just a... let me jus-peek... (He looks at the check, then takes some money out of her hand. George urges Jerry and Elaine to eat.) Come on, come on, come on...
Jerry: Im not an investor. People always tell me, you should have your money working for you. Ive decided Ill do the work. Im gonna let the money relax. You know what I mean? Cause you send your money out there working for you a lot of times, it gets fired. You go back there, What happened? I had my money. It was here, it was working for me. Yeah, I remember your money. Showing up late. Taking time off. We had to let him go.