George: (joyful) June. It's June.
George: (high-fiving) Hey!
George: It's June.Mark's Michelle is a dog.
George: June, June, June.
George: (to passerby) Hey, he-hah. It's June, June.
George: It's Juu-uu-une! Hey hay. Yes.
George: I love Juu-uuu-uu-uune!
George: June. Juune, baby!
Jerry: What?
George: The catering hall screwed up. The wedding is delayed until June. It's like a stay of execution.
Jerry: Dead man walking.
George: (pointing to Jerry in joyous agreement) Ha-ha-hah. This is my lucky day.
Jerry: Well, one outta twenty thousand. That's not bad.
George: Yeah. Hey, wait a second, you know, good news for you too. Susan's best friend, Hallie? Broke up with her boyfriend.
Jerry: She did?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: So? Wheels?
George: In motion. The wheels are in motion.
Jerry: Beautiful.
George: Aah, hey. (enthusiastic) If this works out, forget about it. Vacations together, movies together, dinner together. It..it's almost as good as if I didn't get married.
Jerry: So, set it up. You know what, we could have dinner at the Friars Club.
George: The Friars Club?
Jerry: Yeah, I'm thinking of joining. Pat Cooper said he would put me up for membership.
Kramer: Hey everybody. (to Jerry) Listen, uh, do me a favour, will you? I got a hot date tonight with Connie. Knock on my door, wake me up in twenty minutes, alright?
Jerry: Catnap?
Kramer: No, no, no, no. (comes in) This is evolutionary. I been reading this book, on Leonardo de Vinci. See, that means 'from Vinci', d'you know that?
Jerry: (deadpan) That must be some book.
Kramer: Yeah, well, turns out that the master slept only twenty minutes every three hours. Now, that works out to two and a half extra days, that I'm awake per week, every week. Which means, if I live to be eighty, I will have lived the equivalent of a hundred and five years.
Jerry: Just imagine how much more you'll accomplish.
Kramer: Oh, I got a lot of things in the hopper, buddy.
Jerry: I didn't know you had a hopper.
Kramer: (smiling) Oh, I got a hopper. A big hopper.
Peterman: Alright, people, I'd like to begin with a hearty hail and well-met good fellow, to Bob Grossberg, who's joining us from Business Affairs.
Bob: Thanks. Hi everybody.
Peterman: Bob, we have a little baptism by fire for you, so to speak.
Elaine: (whispers) Poor bastard.
Peterman: (to Bob) I want you to handle all the fact-checking and the copy-editing for the new catalogue.
Bob: Ah, could you repeat that?
Peterman: (slower and louder) Why don't you handle all the copy-editing?
Bob: (apologetic) I..I'm sorry. What?
Peterman: (louder still) Copy-editing!
Peterman: Eh, never mind. (turns to Elaine) Elaine, you do it.
Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld. Pat Cooper made a reservation for me.
Maitre D': Yes, Mr Seinfeld, but uhm, all gentlemen are required to wear jackets in the dining room.
Jerry: (downcast) Oh, I'm sorry.
Hallie: (smiling) How embarrassing this must be for you.
Jerry: (jocular) You just bought your own dinner.
Maitre D': No problem. Please, follow me.
Jerry: (passing Hallie) 'Scuse me.
George: (smiling) Ho ho. Funny. Isn't he funny? Funny guy. Ha ha ha.
George: Friars.
Jerry: Hey, not bad. (pointing to crest) I kinda like this little thing here.
Maitre D': This way please.
George: Hup, here we go. Here we go.
George: (adamant) Ah, c'mon! I'm telling you, I can coach for the NFL. It's not that hard
Susan: (to Hallie) Mmm, mm, mm. Hallie (points to her plate) taste this fish. It's really delicious.
Jerry: (to George) That might be the stupidest thing you've ever said.
George: (to Jerry) Oh, get outta here.
Jerry: (to George) I mean, come on. (a thought occurs) No, the stupidest thing you ever said was when you said Steve Kroft from Sixty Minutes is the same guy from *Seals and Croft*.
Hallie: (to Susan) Mmm, it is good.
Susan: (to Hallie) What do you think about having fish for the wedding?
George: (to Jerry) You watch the old videos. (insistent) I'm telling you, look at him.
Hallie: (to Susan) Oh. Remember (indistinct) wedding?
Jerry: Oh, come on.
George: Look...
Jerry: Alright.
Jerry: (looking at Kramer) This is nice.
Kramer: Yeah, morning.
Jerry: Morning?
Kramer: Yeah, what time is it?
Jerry: (looks at watch) Ten-thirty.
Kramer: (pleased) Ah, see. (rubs his hands together) I got the whole night ahead of me. (looks at Jerry) Boy, that's a nice jacket, huh?
Jerry: (realising) Ohh, I don't believe this. I forgot to give it back. It belongs to the Friars Club.
Kramer: Yeah, I like that crest. (he shakes cereal into the bowl) Alright, here we go.
Jerry: Breakfast?
Kramer: (pouring cereal) Oh yeah. Most important meal of the day.
Jerry: So this Da Vinci sleep is working out?
Kramer: (enthusiastic) Oh, I'm percolating, Jerry. I'm telling you, I have never felt so fertile. I'm mossy, Jerry. My brain is mossy. Listen to this idea. (fetches a spoon from the drawer) A restaurant that serves only peanut butter and jelly. (clicks tongue)
Jerry: What d'you call it?
Kramer: P B and J's. What d'you think?
Jerry: (deadpan) I think you need more sleep.
Kramer: (dismissive) Ahh.
Jerry: So, how'd your date work out with the mysterious Connie?
Kramer: I am telling you, this woman is strange. She never wants to leave the apartment. It's almost like she doesn't wanna be seen with me.
Jerry: Oh, now you're being ridiculous.
Kramer: (laughing) He he, yeah.
Jerry: (indicates the bowl of cereal) No milk?
Kramer: Oh, I'll be back.
Kramer: (quietly) Jerry.
Kramer: (quietly) Hey Jerry.
Kramer: (prodding Jerry) C'mon buddy.
Jerry: (startled) Kramer!
Kramer: You awake?
Jerry: (confused) Wha..? What time is it?
Kramer: W...It's four.
Jerry: (aghast) Four in the morning?!
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: Well, what's wrong with you?
Kramer: I'm bored. I got all this free time on my hands, I dunno what to do. You wanna do something?
Jerry: No. Would you just get out?
Kramer: You wanna rent a movie?
Jerry: No!
Kramer: Well, what am I gonna do?
Jerry: Ready for lunch?
Elaine: (irked) I'm stuck here, editing the stupid catalogue, because of stupid Bob Grossberg.
Elaine: Listen, there is something really suspicious about this guy. Every time Mr Peterman tries to assign him any work, he says he can't hear, and it all gets dumped on me.
Jerry: You think he's faking?
Elaine: I don't know. But I'd like to try that earpiece on, see if it's real.
Bob: Hey Elaine. (he spots Jerry) Oh, you have a friend.
Bob: (to Elaine) Just wanted to say hi.
Elaine: Bob, you know what? I'm kinda swamped here. You think you could give me a hand with some of the catalogue?
Bob: (cupping his hand behind his ear) I..I'm sorry. What?
Elaine: (slower and louder) I'm kind of swamped.
Bob: Thank you. I'm having lunch with Mr P. I better get going.
Elaine: Did you see that? Did you see that, Jerry?
Jerry: That was him?
Elaine: Yes.
Jerry: Somehow I thought he'd be taller.
Elaine: Alright, listen, we'll have to do this again some other time, okay? I got a lotta work to do.
Jerry: (standing) Alright, I'll see you later.
Elaine: Alright.
Jerry: Hey, Bob.
Jerry: Bob.
Jerry: Hey, Bobby, over here.
Jerry: Bob. Oh, Bob.
Jerry: (louder) Bob!
Bob: Hi.
Jerry: (urgent whisper) Elaine.
Elaine: (makes an irked noise)
Jerry: I was just in the bathroom.
Elaine: (really doesn't want to know) Okay, Jerry, please, please. I'm really busy here.
Jerry: No, no, no. I was just in the bathroom with that Bob guy.
Elaine: So what?
Jerry: No, I kinda tried to test his hearing.
Elaine: Get out! What'd you do?
Jerry: Well, I kinda snuck up behind him at the urinal and tried to see if he could hear me.
Elaine: (hopeful) And?
Jerry: Well, he flinched, sort of.
Elaine: What d'you mean, sort of? What'd he do?
Jerry: Well, he kinda moved his head, you know. It mighta been on the zip up, I dunno.
Elaine: So you don't know anything?
Jerry: Actually, no.
Elaine: (sarcasm) Alright, good job.
Jerry: Right.
Jerry: Come in.
George: (entering) Last night, huh? Was that something, or was that something?
Jerry: That was something.
George: Ah. She's great, isn't she?
Jerry: (positive) Fantastic. Fantastic woman.
George: I told you.
Jerry: I'm nuts about her.
George: You think she could be an 'it'? Could she be an 'it'?
Jerry: She could be an 'it'.
George: (claps hands triumphantly) We might have an 'it'!
Jerry: She's got 'it' written all over her.
George: She's got everything, right? (counts on his fingers) She's intelligent, she's smart, she's got a great sense of humour.
Jerry: Well, I dunno. I didn't really talk to her.
George: Well, she's smart. You take my word for it.
Jerry: Whatever.
George: (gleeful) Hehee. W..we could be like the Gatsbys. Didn't they always like, you know, a bunch of people around, and they were all best friends?
Jerry: That doesn't sound right.
George: No. So, tonight she's got tickets for that show she's been working on. The Flying Sandos Brother.
Jerry: Flying Sandos. Beautiful.
George: Great. Seven-thirty, alright?
Jerry: Walk me down to the Friars.
George: Sure. So, uh, Jerry, there's an empty apartment in my building. If you and Hallie want, we could try and hold it, may...
Jerry: It's not here.
George: What?
Jerry: Th..the jacket, it's not here. It's gotta be here somewhere.
Kramer: Oh, boy.
Jerry: (to Kramer) Thanks for that four a.m. wakeup call last night. (frustrated) Where the hell is that jacket?
Kramer: Oh, the one with the crest.
Jerry: Yeah.
Jerry: Oh, well, that's at the cleaners.
Jerry: The cleaners? How did it get there?
Kramer: Well, I, uh, I borrowed it last night and it got a little dirty.
Jerry: (irritated) Great.
Kramer: (laughing to himself) Somehow I dozed off and woke up in a pile of garbage.
Jerry: Somehow? You've had an hour and twenty minutes sleep in three days!
Kramer: Well, so, look, the cleaner said you could pick it up tonight at six.
Jerry: Alright. I just hope I can get it to the Friars Club before the show.
George: Won't be a problem...(mumbles)
Jerry: (to Kramer) Hey.
Jerry: (louder) Hey!!
Kramer: Watch out, boy.
Elaine: Can you give us a hand with some of these boxes, Bob?
Elaine: Bob!
Elaine: (sexily) I want you so bad, Bob. You turn me on...
Elaine: ...so much. You're so damn...sexy.
Elaine: (sexy) Ohh. I'm starting to unbutton.
Elaine: (dropping the sexy voice) Anything getting through? Bob?
Hallie: Well, they perform all over. Europe mostly.
George: A-ha, huh. (mumbles) tours.
Hallie: Yeah.
Jerry: Sorry, sorry I'm late.
George/Susan: Hey!
Susan: Jerry.
George: Isn't that the uh, Friars Club jacket?
Jerry: Yeah, it wasn't ready on time. I have to return it after the show.
George: Sure, sure, sure, sure. (patting Jerry on the shoulders) How about these seats? Are these fantastic, huh? Huh? I feel like Lincoln.
Jerry: Yeah. Well, let's hope this evening turns out a little better.
Kramer: So, uhm, are you sure you don't wanna go to the movies?
Connie: Mmm, no, Cosmo. I like just being here with you.
Kramer: Oh, it's uh, it's a bold adventure.
Kramer: Ooh. Well, this is uh, risky business, huh? I'm all a-twitter.
Sandos Brother 1: How would you kind people like to lend a hand with our next trick?
Jerry: (smiling) I don't think so.
Sandos Brother 1: Please, take off your jacket.
Jerry: My jacket?
Sandos Brother 1: Yes, the jacket. (turns to the crowd) What do you say, ladies and gentlemen?
Sandos Brother 1: (to Jerry) Can't argue with that.
Hallie: C'mon.
Susan: Do it. Come on, Jerry.
George: Give him the jacket.
Jerry: (giving in) Alright.
Sandos Brother 1: And now, we say the magic word. (gestures with his hand) Agrabah! And we make it disappear.
Connie: (passionate) Oh Cosmo. Mm-mmm, Cosmo. Oh Cosmo.
Connie: (uncomfortable) Uh, honey, can you move a little, this hurts.
Connie: (worried) Cosmo?
Connie: (panicky) Oh my god. Cosmo, wake up!
Connie: Cosmo?
Connie: (horrified) Oh my god! He's dead! He's dead.
Connie: (into phone) Yeah, Tommy, this is Connie. You gotta help me. Some guy dropped dead on top of me. (listens) I can't call the cops, 'cos Joey might find out. (listens) I can't. I'm stuck. You gotta help me.
George: This is very exciting. The inner sanctum.
Jerry: Hi. I..I was in the audience earlier. You threw my jacket down. I just wanted to pick it up.
Sandos Brother 2: Jacket? What jacket?
Jerry: (explaining) I had a jacket with a crest on it. You came into the audience, you threw it away. Agrabah.
Sandos Brother 2: A..are you sure it was me?
Jerry: Well, it was either you or one of your brothers.
Sandos Brother 2: Well, two of them have left already.
Sandos Brother 2: (shaking his head apologetically) No.
Jerry: It doesn't even belong to me. It belongs to the Friars Club.
Sandos Brother 2: Sorry.
Hallie: Jerry, I'm sure it'll turn up.
Jerry: (cynical) I'm sure it won't.
Hallie: Don't worry. I'll get the jacket back.
George: (cheerful) Alright, there you go. She's gonna get the jacket back. (claps hands) So, let's go get some coffee, huh?
Jerry: (downcast) No, I'm a little tired. I think I'll go home.
Susan: Aww, that's too bad.
George: Really?
Jerry: Yeah, we'll do it another time.
Susan: (bright) George, we'll go.
George: I, uh, oh, broke a shoelace today.
Susan: Oh, I can get you shoelaces tomorrow.
George: Okay.
Susan: So, what colour?
George: Brown.
George: Maybe a black.
Susan: Mmm.
Waitress: More coffee?
George: (urgent) No! Check! (quieter) Please.
Jerry: (looking after the guys) That nut is always up to something.
Kramer: HEY!! Sh..! Shii! MAMA!!
Kramer: AAH! AAGH!
Peterman: Elaine. I think I've been working you a little too hard, lately.
Elaine: (shrugging it off) Oh.
Peterman: So, I have two tickets for you (holds up the bits of card) to the Flying Sandos Brothers magic show.
Elaine: (pleased) Ah.
Peterman: It is a real hoot.
Elaine: (delighted) Well, thank you Mr Peterman.
Peterman: Ah, the tickets are for tonight. So you and Bob can knock off a little early, so you both can get ready.
Elaine: Mr Peterman, you...
Peterman: (interrupting) There's no need to deny it, Elaine. I heard every word you said.
Peterman: And I know you wouldn't be just having fun with his handicap. (staring away) That kind of cruelty would be grounds for dismissal.
Elaine: (resigned) Of course, Mr Peterman.
Jerry: (into phone) Tell 'em I'll come down and talk to 'em. Okay, bye. (to George) Well, that was the Friars Club. D'you think they're gonna let a jacket-stealer join? I don't think so! They're gonna charge me eight hundred dollars for the jacket, and I gotta deal with Pat Cooper!
Jerry: (worked up) Wh..what kinda show is that Sandos Brothers? They take your jacket, then they just throw it? I never heard of that!
George: It's a little unusual. So, uh, Susan and I were thinking, uh, dinner at our house Saturday night. Just the four of us.
Jerry: (unenthusiastic) Uhh, I don't think so.
George: (worried) Why not?
Jerry: (impassive) Ah, I'm a little turned off.
George: (standing) C'mon, what're you talking about?
Jerry: Ahh, I'm, I'm kinda soured.
George: You're soured?
Jerry: Yeah, I'm soured.
George: Don't be soured.
Jerry: I'm sorry. I'm soured.
George: (animated) What're you kidding me? We were all getting along so well. Where is all this coming from?
Jerry: Well, you know, frankly, I don't think she was too concerned about my jacket.
George: (animated) What're you talking about?! She's very concerned! She said she was gonna get it back.
Jerry: (indifferent) Yeah, we'll see.
George: (worked up) Because if she gets it back, then you'll have no reason to be sour. You'll de-sour, right?
Jerry: I'll try and de-sour.
George: (aggravated) Oh, that's not good enough! You don't try and de-sour. You have to sweeten too!
Jerry: (sharp) I'll try! I'll try and de-sour and sweeten.
George: I wanna get it back when we were the Gatsbys.
Jerry: I still don't know what that means.
George: (neither does he) Yeah, well.
Kramer: God.
Jerry: (astonished) Oh god! What happened to you?!
Kramer: (animated) She tried to kill me Jerry!
Jerry: Who?
Kramer: (shouts) Connie!
Jerry: What'd she do?
Kramer: I don't know! (building to a shout) But I woke up in the Hudson river in a SACK!! I think she drugged me, but she's a murderer and I'm calling the cops.
Jerry: (bewildered) Why would she try and kill you?
Kramer: (animated) Well, isn't it obvious? She doesn't want anybody else to have me!
Kramer: (to door) Gah!
Jerry: Hey, there's uncle Milty.
George: (pleased) Yeah, it is.
Jerry: (pointing) And there's David Steinberg.
George: The comedian, or the manager?
Jerry: The manager.
Jerry: (to George) Hey, there's Pat. (calls) Hey, Pat.
Pat: Hey, Jerry. What the hell went wrong? What's the matter with you? Are you a kleptomaniac, or what?
Jerry: I forgot to take it off.
Pat: (dubious) You forgot to take it off? Oh, you go into a department store, you put a suit on, and you walk right out. What are you some sort of an idiot?
Jerry: I'm sorry.
Pat: Where's the jacket?
Jerry: Well, one of the gypsies took it.
Pat: (skeptical) Aww, the gypsies took it! Of course, New York has a lot of gypsies! Oh, on every block there's a gypsy!
George: (meekly) Well, it's true. I saw it.
Pat: (probing) Excuse me, are you an entertainer? Are you in showbusiness?
George: No, I uh...
Pat: (interrupting) Then what am I talking to you for? (to Jerry) Jerry, bring the jacket back tomorrow.
Jerry: Alright.
George: Wait a minute, wait a minute.
George: Look at that guy. Right there. Isn't that the guy from the show? He's..he's wearing the jacket.
Jerry: God, you're right.
George: (motioning Jerry to follow) C'mon.
Maitre D': Wait a second! Excuse me gentlemen, are you members?
Jerry: Well, I'm a prospective member.
Maitre D': Until then, (pointing) that's the way out.
Jerry: But that guy has my jacket.
Maitre D': C'mon, let's go.
George: Excuse me, the guy is wearing a jacket that my friend is...
Maitre D': Come on.
Jerry: Come on.
Maitre D': Let's go.
George: If I could talk to the guy for just a sec...
Bob: These seats are fantastic. It was really nice of Mr Peterman to give us these tickets.
Elaine: (flat) Yeah, yeah. Was nice.
Bob: (smiling) Yeah. Got our own little private box here, don't we?
Elaine: (pushing Bob away) Get offa me! Stop it. Stop it.
Elaine: Get offa me!
Elaine: Get a hold of yourself, Bob! (throwing Bob back between the seats) Get a hold of yourself!
Jerry: I dunno how that guy gave us the slip at the Friars Club.
George: I told you, he probably went out the back.
Jerry: Ouf.
Jerry: Hey. It's you! (pointing) Th..that's my Friars Club jacket!
Sandos Brother 1: No, it is not. It is my jacket.
Jerry: (adamant) No, no, no. That's my jacket, give it back.
Sandos Brother 1: No, it is not. This is mine.
Jerry: C'mon I need it.
Jerry: (determined) I wanna join. I need it to become a member.
George: Give 'im the jacket already!
Sandos Brother 1: (yelling) Help! Help! (foreign language) Azobar! Azobar disay!
George: What's he yelling about? They're stealing jackets here!
Jerry: Can you believe it?!
Jerry: (examining) Hey George, you know what? I think this crest is different. It's got a moose on it.
George: Moose?
Jerry: Yeah. (subdued) I don't think this is the jacket.
Hallie: No, it's not.
Hallie: This is the jacket.
Jerry: Ohh, you got the jacket back.
George: Ohh, yeahh.
Jerry: (taking the jacket) Thank you.
Hallie: It got a little dirty, so they wanted to clean it before they gave it back to you.
Jerry: Oh. (smiling) Oh, that's nice of 'em.
George: (smiling) That is really nice.
Hallie: Yeah.
Jerry: Yeah.
Hallie: Yeah.
Jerry: Yeah.
George: This is nice.
Jerry: Yeahh.
Hallie: Yeah.
George: (forced buoyancy) Hey, you know, let's call Susan, we'll go have coffee.
Hallie: (flat) I'll see you at the wedding.
George: (moody) Great! Now she's sour!
Jerry: Maybe she'll sweeten.
George: (angry) She won't sweeten, and I'm bitter!
Sandos Brother 1: (pointing) There they are!
George: Here. (panicky) We'll leave it here for you!
Kramer: (pointing) That's her, officer.
Connie: (shocked) Kramer! Oh my god, I thought you were...
Kramer: (animated) What? Sleeping with the fishes? I guess I woke up!
Detective: You're under arrest for the attempted murder of Cosmo Kramer.
Connie: (defensive) I didn't do anything.
Kramer: (sarcastic) Oh, yeah! Yeah!
Detective: Get your coat, we gotta take you in.
Connie: Can I call my lawyer?
Detective: Okay, go ahead.
Connie: (on phone) You gotta meet me at the police station. They're arresting me for attempted murder.
Jackie: Attempted murder? Of whom?
Connie: This guy, Kramer.
Jackie: Oh. (hesitantly) Cosmo Kramer?
Connie: (surprised) Yeah, that's right.
Jackie: (adamant) I don't want nothing to do with it.


Jerry: I'm looking for a crested blazer
Craig: A crested blazer..
Jerry: I've worn one once and I really think it did something for me.
Craig: (turning around) Yes .I Think we may have something. (picks up a blazer) The Joseph Aboud crested blazer is the finest... That's hand ticking around the crest and these are the world famous Corriso buttons made from the finest Andulo corn.
Jerry: (softly) Hmm.. they'll match my sneakers.
Craig: It looks fabulous on you... shall I wrap it up?
Jerry: You know...I'm not sure. I'll tell you what. I'll come back later with someone and see what they think.
Craig: (doubtful) A Hum!
Jerry: Really I'll be back.
Craig: Yeah!
Jerry: So I didn't like the crest all that much., but the guy spent fifteen minutes with me so to get out of the store I told I wanted to see what someone else thought... And then he makes a face like he doesn't believe me.
Elaine: Ah! So he knew that you were making it up.!
Jerry: Yeah... He caught me So here's what I want you to do. Come back with me to the store and we'll pretend to look at the coat.
Elaine: That's ridiculous. Why do do you want to go back there if you don't want the coat?
Jerry: Because he thinks I was lying and I want to show him I wasn't.
Elaine: But you were!!
Jerry: But if you go back with me , then I'm not.
George: (still on the phone) All right fine... Whatever
Jerry: (to George) Problems with the house guest?
Elaine: What house guest?
George: This friend of Susan's is staying with us for two weeks...Now am I wrong or is that excessive?
Kramer: Well Bob Sacamano he stayed with me once for a year and a half.
Elaine: Who is he?
George: He's a wig master
Elaine: What is a wig master?
George: He's with the touring company of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. He's the guy in charge of the wigs.
Jerry: Boy.. imagine.. liking wigs to the point it becomes a career choice.
Kramer: About some tickets George , you know I'd kill for a peek..
George: (leaving) Yeah, Sure, sure ,,, I got to drop my car off at the new lot.
Kramer: Euh what...What lot is that?
George: Jiffy Park. It's incredible.. Seventy-five dollars a month.
Kramer: Seventy -five bucks a month!
George: Yeah and you get this really cool T-shirt when you sign on..
Kramer: Oh I'm down.
Jerry: (proud of himself) Remember me? I said I 'd come back with someone and I did. Surprised?.
Craig: No I believed you.
Jerry: Yeah... well Elaine.
Elaine: (looking up to the salesman)
Craig: Oh!... hello I'm Craig.
Elaine: ...Hi.
Craig: well (picks up the blazer again) here it is.
Elaine: Oh!!...Joseph Aboud .. and look at this hand ticking around the crest.
Craig: You know your coats?
Elaine: Well I'm in the biz .. I work for J. Peterman.
Craig: I love J. Peterman.
Elaine: (giggling) Ohhh!!.
Craig: I especially enjoy the catalogue, those fanciful narratives really take me away..
Elaine: Ohhh!! really ..well you know what, I write those.
Craig: No!!!
Elaine: Yeeeahh!!!
Jerry: (impatiently cutting in) Hey Elaine What about the crest.? What d'you think of the crest here.
Jerry: You what??
Elaine: I think it's great. I think you should get it.
Craig: Well ... Will it be check or credit card?
Jerry: (giving up) Check.
Craig: I'll need you to write down your phone number on the check for me. (turning to Elaine) Perhaps you could do the same.
Elaine: (laughs and giggles like a schoolgirl)
Jerry: You weren't supposed to say that.
Elaine: But I really did like it
Jerry: That's not the point. You put me in a position where I had no choice.
Elaine: uhn... Sorry!
Jerry: And what about that guy asking you out right in front of me?
Elaine: What is the big deal!!
Jerry: ...'s very emasculating, he doesn't know the nature of our relationship. You're there approving new clothes...That's a girlfriend job! How dare he!!
Elaine: He dared...
Ethan: (sitting in the couch and combing his wigs)Hi George.. How was your day?
George: Good...good day (not too convincing) You?
Ethan: I am getting so much work done... See?
George: Very nice
Susan: (walks in) Hi sweety How was your day?
Ethan: I already ask him that. He said Good...Good day...
Kramer: (frantically pulling at his doorknob) Thank god you're home. I'm wiped out. I drop my car at Jiffy Park and I forgot to take my apartment keys off the ring. So you got my spare?
Jerry: No I gave it back to you
Kramer: y'did.....phfwelll. Look.. hum... Can you take me over there?
Jerry: Oh Come on!!
Kramer: Oh Come on Jerry, It's all the way over to twelfth avenue..
Jerry: I didn,t tell you to park in that lot .. Now someone's gonna have to drive you every time you need your car.? Take the bus!
Kramer: I'm not going to take the bus that's why I got a car!
Jerry: Forget it.
Kramer: Awright I'm gonna get George to pick me up.
Jerry: He wont take ya..
George: (grabs the phone quick) Got it, Got it,...Hello?
Kramer: Listen, Can you take me over to the Jiffy Park?
George: Yeah,yeah!! I'll pick you up right now...All right All right...Hey! gotta go.
George: So the Wig master....the Wig master said you could stop by the theater tonight.. and he'll show you around.
George: WOULD YOU PICK A STATION!!!!!
Kramer: I like 'em all(still fiddles with the radio)
George: Aw great. Now the volume knob fell off
Kramer: (seems to pickup something on the floor) ...'s'this?
Kramer: Gawd!!!
George: What?
Kramer: That's a...ca...ca.....Condom!!
Elaine: How do you like working there at the ... hum...Andover shop? I mean it's a pretty swanky upscale clientele.
Craig: Hmmm
Elaine: except for Jerry!(laughs)
Craig: So did you see anything you'd like...
Elaine: Oh!!!
Craig: Cause I can get you a considerable discount.
Elaine: Really!...Well actually yeah I did see this ...'mazing little black dress...it was sleeveless...
Craig: The Nicole Miller
Elaine: Yeah..Yeah...
Craig: I'll take care of it.
Elaine: Really...but I barely know you.
Craig: Well...hum...we'll just have to do something about that. Won't we.
Elaine: Ah! Ah!ah!
Jerry: Hey! Greg
Craig: It's Craig
Jerry: Ah! right...nice. Lunch with Elaine?
Craig: Yes lovely.
Jerry: You know 'm just curious, How did you know she wasn't my girlfriend?
Craig: Well I could just sense it
Jerry: Because you know we used to go out.
Craig: Oh ! you did
Jerry: Oh Yeah we went way out and wild.
Elaine: Hey Jerr...
Jerry: Hi Elaine.
Lady: Would you like to buy a rose for your wife? ( to Craig)
Jerry: How do you know she's not my wife?
George: I want to know how did that get into my car?
Attendant: Hey look ..You walk in to this city you got to expect things are gonna stick to your foot. You open in your car and Bing!! Condom.
George: That doesn't explain the lipstick on the dashboard?
Attendant: Here take a few shirts...
Attendant: I'm terribly sorry Mr Kramer but we can't get your car now, the keys seems to have been misplaced.
Kramer: Wait a minute I need those keys. I wont be able to get into my apartment.
Attendant: Aaye Mr Kramer...You like Cadillacs?
Kramer: ...Yeah I like Cadillacs (cautiously) Why ? What you got on your mind?
Attendant: Take that pink Eldorado Cadillac over there , it's a Mary Kay car...
Kramer: Mary Kay uh?
Attendant: Mary Kay car..
Kramer: (to George) Well listen See you later ..thanks for driving me by..
Hooker: Hey!! Whats happening?
George: We're gonna hang around here a little while...something funny going on here
Elaine: You were wrong about Craig . He's a very sweet guy.
Jerry: Well, what about the ponytail?
Elaine: what about it?
Jerry: C'mon Ponytail ...Get real.
Elaine: All I know he's promised me a discount on that dress.
Jerry: Of course he did ..The guy's working ya.
Elaine: Ah! Jerry I've been around long enough to know when I'm being worked.
Jerry: Have you slept with him yet?
Elaine: I just met him this morning.
Jerry: It's been known to happen.... telling you right now Elaine, this guy 's gonna dangle that dress in front of you like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot in front of a mule.
Elaine: . Well this is all very flattering...
Jerry: (interrupts)like a shark fisherman with a bucket of (?) Ch...
Elaine: Ok...
Jerry: (continues)Like a shrimp farmer...
Elaine: OKAY!!!
Ethan: Well that's the grand tour ... Aw but I save the best for last...
Kramer: Oh yeah!!
Ethan: Behold .. The Technicolor Dreamcoat.
Kramer: Oooooh ...Pops ... Wow!! Spectacular.
George: S'cuse me ..Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?
Hooker: Are you a cop??
George: Oh No nonono I'm not a cop ...Heum... I work for the Yankees.
Hooker: Urghh They stink.
George: Nevertheless.. I was wondering if you and your .friends are doing business here at the Jiffy Park... You know ..hum What do you people call it? Turning tricks? Anyway I...I...found a condom in my car...and I'm not saying it's yours but... I want to know if I should just change parking lots.
Hooker: Get lost mister, I'm trying to make a living here.
George: I'll pay you for your time...I just ..I just need some information . How much do you want? ten...fifteen? You have change for twenty?
Hooker: Fifteen?
Susan: (walks in) George?
George: Hi honey..
Susan: ..So you're telling me the truth?
George: Of Course I'm telling the truth.
Susan: Because I have to be able to trust you... If I can't trust you then there's no way that this can work.
George: Really!
Susan: Yeah.
George: Well then...then you really have something to think about because...you know if there's any doubt in your mind ...and.. and,, it doesn't even have to be a big doubt, you know even a tiny doubt, a DOT of a doubt.. and...
Susan: There's no doubt.
George: Because if there's any doubt at all I...I feel we should cultivate it.
Susan: Cultivate it?
George: Yes, you know. Deal with it .We have to deal with the doubt, Susan The DOUBT!! Must be dealt with.
Susan: I have no doubt George. Do you?
George: (hesitates) ...Nooooooooooo...
Elaine: You know... I can't wait to get that dress..
Craig: Yeah... It should arrive eminently.
Elaine: Arrive?
Craig: Yes! From Milan.
Elaine: But you said it was in the store!.
Craig: No no no We sold out we had to order some more.
Elaine: But I thought .. Nicole Miller was made....
Craig: (Interrupts) Eeen!!!
Ian: Hey Craig.
Craig: Elaine this is Een.
Elaine: Hi E-an
Ian: Een..
Elaine: E-an
Craig: Een... He's a friend a mine from England
Ian: (word missing) What are doing?
Craig: I'm working at the Andover shop actually...You should come by. I'll get you a great discount.
Ian: Maybe I will. Nice meeting you.
Elaine: Oh..Nice to meet you.
Craig: Bye
Ian: ..Cheery-o
Elaine: Bye Eeeen.
Elaine: So you're giving him a discount too?
Craig: Hummm Why so surprised?
Elaine: Hem!! No reason.
Jerry: You know that clothing salesman had a lot of nerve hitting on Elaine right in front of me. He stands to make a big commission too on that jacket with the crest that nobody seems to like. You know what I'm gonna do.? I'm gonna take that jacket back.. I'm putting this guy ...RIGHT OUT OF COMMISSION...
Kramer: Heeeeeummmrph... I'm gonna turn in
Jerry: Turn in?
Kramer: Yeah,I had a tough day
Jerry: It's only nine o clock.
Kramer: Well ..I don't argue with the body Jerry. It's an argument you can't win.
Jerry: I can't go to sleep at nine o clock!
Kramer: Well you can go to your room and read.
Jerry: Hey look ,you know, you're the one who's locked out. I'm letting you stay here. You're wearing my bathrobe. You should adapt to me.
Kramer: But I'm tired..
Jerry: Oh why don't you go sleep over at Newman's.
Kramer: Aah! He's got a girl up there. This quilt is too thin...I know I'm gonna get cold. I don't even fit on this couch. Don't even know if I'm gonna sleep...
Jerry: Well that's all I got.
Kramer: Can I sleep with you?
Jerry: Huh?
Kramer: Well you got that big comfortable bed and that nice warm quilt.
Jerry: Kramer , there's no way you're sleeping with me.
Kramer: Why?
Jerry: Why?
Kramer: Yeah!
Jerry: Do I really have to explain why?
Kramer: Well I...( Elaine pops in at that moment)
Elaine: Hi!.
Kramer: Hi......What's that?
Elaine: Squire's walking stick. I had to write about it for the catalogue.
Kramer: Wow.
Elaine: You want it?
Kramer: Yeaaahmm...
Elaine: You can have ,I don't need it anymore.
Kramer: Ooh Mama...( walks away)
Elaine: Ok so ..I am positive you are wrong about Craig.
Jerry: Yeah Why?
Elaine: Because he told a man he'd give him a discount too... a man Jerry.
Jerry: So ,Who is he?
Elaine: Some friend of his from England.
Jerry: Don't you see?......It's all a big scam.
Elaine: You're nuts!
Kramer: How do you know he's not wondering the same thing about you?
Elaine: What d'you mean?
Kramer: What do I mean?.. Well perhaps he thinks that you're working him for the discount. Shaking that little butt of yours into big, big savings... And then when you get it,you know, you drop him like a hot potato.
Elaine: Aawwh Please...
Kramer: Now see the two of you need to work on trust... and then and only then will there be a free exchange of sex and discounts.. Cornerstones of a healthy relationship...and now if you would (taps twice on the door) excuse us. We need to get to bed.
Kramer: (softly)hmmm...patio furniture's on sale.
George: Excuse me...huh... I think I made a big mistake. I'd like my deposit back please.
Attendant: Whats the problem
George: You got hookers turning tricks in my car. How's that for starters.
Attendant: Haaan! That is all hearsay.
George: Allright, very good I'd like my car and my deposit back please
Attendant: Can't do it'
George: Whadday'mean.?
Attendant: If you read the agreement you signed the deposit is not refundable.
George: Well does it say anywhere in the contract about my car being used as a whorehouse? 'Cause I don't remember reading that clause either..
Attendant: What can I tell you buddy. Take it up with Consumer Affairs.
George: . All right , just give me my car and let me get the hell out of here.
Attendant: Well that's going to be a problem
George: Why?
Attendant: It's all the way in the back. Can't get it out for a couple of days.
George: What are you talking about.. I WANT MY CAR!!
Attendant: We ask that you please bear with us.
George: Bear with you! This is a parking lot PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO GET
Attendant: Ideally..
Jerry: Excuse me I'd like to return this jacket.
Teller: Certainly. May I ask why?
Jerry: ....For spite...
Teller: Spite?
Jerry: That's right. I don't care for the salesman that sold it to me.
Teller: I don't think you can return an item for spite.
Jerry: What do you mean?
Teller: Well if there was some problem with the garment. If it were unsatisfactory in some way, then we could do it for you, but I'm afraid spite doesn't fit into any of our conditions for a refund
Jerry: That's ridiculous, I want to return it. What's the difference what the reason is.
Teller: Let me speak with the manager...excuse me ......Bob!
Teller: ....spite...(Manager walks over)
Bob: What seems to be the problem?
Jerry: Well I want to return this jacket and she asked me why and I said for spite and now she won't take it back.
Bob: That's true. You can't return an item based purely on spite.
Jerry: . Well So fine then ..then I don't want it and then that's why I'm returning it
Bob: Well you already said spite so...
Jerry: But I changed my mind..
Bob: No...you said spite...Too late.
Kramer: It's Halloween (not sure)
Charmaine: Get a calendar honey! It's the 90's
Kramer: Hey! Elaine..
Jerry: OH! Hey!!
Kramer: These are my friends Jerry and Elaine.
Jerry & Elaine: Hi! How 'r u doing?
Charmaine: Hi I'm Charmaine
Ethan: I'm Ethan
Kramer: Yes, she's the costume designer and he's the wig master for the show.
Jerry: Hey You're staying with my friend George.
Ethan: Right George! I get the feeling he doesn't want me there.
Jerry: Well he doesn't even want himself there.
Charmaine: Why don't you sit down and join us?
Jerry: All right. (sits down)
Elaine: I can't I 've got to meet a friend.
Kramer: Well what are we ...dog meat.
Ethan: (to waiter) ...Champagne Coolies , please.
Ethan: (to Elaine) You've got really beautiful hair.
Elaine: Oh Thanks, thank you very much.
Ethan: Have you ever thought about selling it .It would make a brilliant wig..
Jerry: They make wigs out of human hairs?
Ethan: ..And pay plenty for them.
Elaine: Well you guys are gonna have fun here so..bye take care
Kramer: Yeah. See ou later..
All: Bye, now...
Charmaine: Oh! I just remembered I 've got to get the Dreamcoat from the dry cleaners
Kramer: Hey! You gonna let me try the other one right?'
Charmaine: Yeah. But you gonna have to be really careful with it , it's my only backup.
Kramer: Hey! Who do you think you're talking to.
Charmaine: Ok. Buh- bye!
Kramer: Bye!!
Jerry: Bye!
Ethan: There's your Champagne Coolie. Well looks like it's just you and me cowboy!.
Jerry: ...Guess so.
Elaine: Well, Here we are.
Craig: I...am..beat.(sits on the couch)
Elaine: (sighs)
Craig: Ohh! that's nice.
Elaine: So.ehmmmm. so, do you have any ideas when the Nicole Millers are coming in?
Craig: Oh! yeah. The Nicole Millers ...hemm.. Well the funniest thing.
Elaine: Huh!
Craig: I've learned that the new shipment's coming in by boat... which does tend to take a little longer with, you know ,what with the waves and all .. So you'll just have to be a little bit patient .
Elaine: Hummm... so you've no idea when.. they'll arrive.
Craig: (yawns) ...Nno...I really don't...
Ethan: How can she go with a guy like that , he's a mess... I just don't see them together at all
Jessie: Ethan?
Ethan: Yes..
Jessie: . Hi it's me Jessie...George Hamilton's personal assistant.
Ethan: . Right, Right.
Ethan: How you doin'?
Jessie: nice to see you..
Ethan: This is Jerry.
Jerry: Hello..
Jessie: yeah , hummm ( turns back to Ethan) Ethan ,what brings you in to town.
Ethan: I'm touring with Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
Jessie: You're kidding... Listen maybe you and I should...ehmmm get together . Have you been on the slide at Club USA it's ...intense.
Jerry: (Interrupts) Excuse me...Excuse me... Are you asking him out ?
Jessie: Yeah...I guess you could say that..
Jerry: Right in front of me!. How do you know we're not together. Two guys, sittin' laughin' drinking Champagne Coolies.
Jessie: I dunno I just didn't think you were.
Jerry: Well we're sitting here together. Why wouldn't you think that.
Jessie: I dont know. I just didn't.
Jerry: Well it's very emasculating..
Elaine: Hello.
Bob: . Hi this is Bob from the Andover Shop. I'm trying to reach Craig Stewart. He left this number.
Elaine: Uhmmm huh! Is it important.?
Bob: Well...
Elaine: Let me ask you something. ahemm..Do you know when the Nicole Millers are coming in from Milan?.
Bob: Nicole Millers, We're not expecting any Nicole Millers, in fact we have too many as it is.
Elaine: Well do you have any in a... size four.?
Bob: Yes several.. Just tell him he doesn't have to be in tomorrow before Eleven.
Elaine: (sarcastically) Oh! yeah I'll make sure he gets the message. (looks at the sleeping Craig and thinks) They make wigs out of human hair? (still thinking, Ethan's voice) And pay plenty for them.
Kramer: (looks inside the car and gasps) Ohhh Sweet Maria. Hey! lets go.
Kramer: Hey What are you doing in my car? Hey!Hey!Hey! Where you going.
Hooker: Hey. You just cost me some money Mr.(starts hitting Kramer)
Kramer: Cool it lady ( they struggle and we here a siren)
Police: Policer officer. Freeze right there.
Police: OK Big Daddy. Take the hat off... awright turn to your right...(Kramer hesitates) I SAID TURN PIMP.
Kramer: (cries) I'M NOT A PIMP.!!!.


George: I believe the doors on the bathroom stalls, here at the stadium, don't offer much by way of privacy. But I was thinking if we extend the doors all the way to the floors...
Mr. Steinbrenner: All the way to the floor! What are you crazy! You'd suffocate in there. Your lucky you have any doors at all. You know when I was in the army... Hey Costanza. What's that your eating over there? It looks pretty tasty.
George: It's a calzone, sir.
Mr. Steinbrenner: A calzone huh. Pass it down here. Let's have a look at at it. I want a little taste. Come on, come on. Pass it down here. That's a good boy. Okay. What's in this thing?
George: Uh. Cheese, pepperoni, eggplant.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Eggplant. Yes. That's a hell of a thing. Okay let's get back to business. Okay here you go. Very good, very good. Excellent. excellent calzone you got there Costanza. Okay a little jealous now. Okay lets go. Ok last week.... You know that eggplant was very good. Everybody out. I got eggplant on my mind. Costanza get me couple of those calzones right now. Pronto. Move out. Pigstein what's an eggplant calzone. Must have one. Everybody out. Out.
Elaine: One of those fabric wholesalers. This guy Todd Gack. I won a bet from him.
Jerry: What bet?
Elaine: He bet me Dustin Hoffman was in Star Wars.
Jerry: Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars!?! Short Jewish guy against Darth Vader. I don't think so.
Elaine: That's what I said.
Jerry: So the bet was that the loser has to buy dinner?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: Huh.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: No. nothing.
Jerry: What's with you?
Kramer: Feel this.
Jerry: Wow.That's hot.
Kramer: Yeah. It's piquing hot. It's fresh out of the dryer. Hey Elaine you have to feel my pants.
Elaine: I'll see you later.
Kramer: Oh. All right. You don't know what your missing. I'm loving this Jerry. I am never putting on another piece of clothing unless it's straight out of the dryer.
Jerry: So know every time you get dressed. You are going to go down to the basement and use the dryer.
Kramer: Oh yeah. It's a warm and wonderful feeling, Jerry. So what are you doing later?
Jerry: I got a date with Nikki.
Kramer: Oh yeah she's a beauty.
Jerry: She's also quite bold.
Kramer: Oh bold and beautiful.
Mr. Steinbrenner: I am loving this calzone. The pita pocket prevents it from dripping. The pita pocket. (phone rings)What is it Watson? A lost and found. No. I don't think we need that. If people keel over because they lost something that's there tough luck. You got a drip on your mouth by the way.
George: You know a lost and found could be a good idea.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Hold on Watson. You like lost and found George?
George: Definitely.
Mr. Steinbrenner: All right lost and found. But these got to be a time limit. We're not running a pawn shop here.
Jerry: Hey, Elaine.
Elaine: Hi Jerry!
Jerry: This is Nikki.
Nikki: Hi!
Elaine: Hello. This is Todd Gack.
Jerry: Oh of course. Todd Gack. You did you bet was in Star Wars? Sammy Davis Jr.
Elaine: So what movie are you guys seeing?
Nikki: "Means to an End"
Elaine: Oh. We were going to see that but it was sold out. So were going to see"Blame it on the Rain"
Jerry: Why don't you see what you can do?
Nikki: Okay.
Elaine: What's she going to do? There's no more tickets.
Jerry: We'll see.
Todd: Hey Jerry. Do you like cigars?
Jerry: Yeah. Why?
Todd: I am going to Montreal tomorrow and they sell them dirt cheap.
Jerry: Hey,that might be a nice idea for George's wedding.
Todd: So do you want a box?
Jerry: Sure. If there cheap Why not.
Todd: All right I buy a box and give to Elaine.
Nikki: Okay two tickets"Means to an End"
Jerry: Told you.
Elaine: How did you do that?
Nikki: I just talked to the manager.
Jerry: All right. Enjoy"Blame it on the Rain"
George: There putting in a lost and found because of me. There's a time limit but still.
Jerry: There really building a Utopian society up there huh.And you tribute all this to the calzone.
George: Yeah. I am like a drug dealer. I got the guy hooked. I am having lunch at his desk everyday this week. He doesn't make a move without me. It's very exciting.
Jerry: With you two guys at the helm. The last piece of the puzzle is in place.
George: So let me ask you a question about the tip jar. I had a little thing with the calzone guy this week. I go to drop a buck in the tip jar and just as I am about to drop it in he looks the other way. And then when I am leaving he gives me this look think thanks for nothing. I mean if they don't notice it what's the point.
Jerry: So you don't make it a habit of giving to the blind.
George: Not bills.
Jerry: So George. Remember when I told you Nikki gets whatever she wants. We are at the movies last night. It's sold out. Nikki goes and talks to the manager. Right in.
George: Beautiful women. You know they could get away with murder. You never she any of them lift anything over three pounds. They get whatever they want whenever they want it. You can't stop them.
Jerry: She's like a beautiful Godzilla.
George: Without thousands of fleeing Japanese.
Kramer: Hey buddy.
Jerry: What the hell is all this?
Kramer: I am looking for quarters for the dryer.
Jerry: Why can't you do this on your table?
Kramer: Because I don't have a table.
Elaine: Hey.
Jerry: Hey. So how was"Blame it on the Rain?"
Elaine: Huh. Yeah thanks for getting us tickets too.
Jerry: Oh!! Let me ask you a question. Was the movie part of the bet?
Elaine: No. We were both in the mood for one.
Jerry: You know Elaine, It is not my way to intrude on the personal lives of close fiends...
Elaine: Oh is that so.
Jerry: Absolutely. But I feel I must inform you that what happened last night was more than a simple bet.
Elaine: What are you talking about?
Jerry: Come on. Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars. He made a bet he knew he was going to lose just to take you to dinner
Elaine: If he wanted to ask me out why didn't he just ask me.
Jerry: Because if he doesn't ask you out he doesn't get rejected. He has found a dating loop hole.
Elaine: I don't buy it.
Jerry: So what happened after the movie?
Elaine: Nothing. He walked me home.
Jerry: To the door?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: That's a date.
Elaine: No it's not.
Jerry: But I never walk you home.
Elaine: That's just because your a jackass.
Kramer: Ah!! I found a quarter. Anybody want there clothes heated up?
Jerry: No, no.
Elaine: No, no.
Jerry: So how did you leave it with him?
Elaine: I am supposed to meet him to pick up your cigars.
Jerry: That's another loop hole. That's two dates without asking you out.
Elaine: Your crazy!
Jerry: Crazy like a man.
Worker: Number 49.
George: You know my last name is Costanza. That's Italian. So you and I are like country men. Pisano's!
Worker: $ 6.50 your change.
George: And I always take care of my Pisano's. So here is a little something. (drop in tip and worker looks the other way, so George decides to take it out and try again only to get caught)
Worker: Hey! You steal my money!!
George: No no. That's not what I was trying to do.
Worker: I know what you try to do. Get out. Don't ever come back ever.
George: I got your calzones Mr. Steinbrenner.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Beautiful. I am starving George.
George: I thought tomorrow maybe we'd try a little corn beef.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Corn beef. I don't think so. It is a little fatty.
George: How about Chinese?
Mr. Steinbrenner: Uhhhhh. No. Too many containers. Big mess, big mess. Too sloppy.I want to stick with the calzones from Pisano's. That's the ticket.
George: I just thought it would be nice. A little variety.
Mr. Steinbrenner: No, no, no. George let me tell you something. When I find something I like I stick with it. From 1973 to 1982 I ate the exact same lunch everyday. Turkey chili in a bowl made out of bread. Bread bowl George. First you eat the chili then you eat the bowl. There's nothing more satisfying than looking down after lunch and seeing nothing but a table.
Elaine: Thanks for the dinner.
Todd: Well I had to give these cigars and we were both hungry.
Elaine: Hey Todd. Let me ask you a question. Um. Was this whole date thing just a way of asking me out?
Todd: What?
Elaine: I mean Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars?
Todd: Elaine that was a legitimate bet and I lost so I bought you dinner.
Elaine: Oh all right. Okay well, goodnight.
Todd: Hey, if your not doing anything Saturday do you want to meet somewhere?
Elaine: See what is that? Is that a date?
Todd: Why can't two people go and do something without it being a date?
Elaine: All right. I am sorry it's not a date.
Todd: No way. So I'll see you Saturday night?
Elaine: All right.
Todd: Pick you up at 800 p.m.
Police Officer: Do you know what the posted speed limit on this road is?
Jerry: I was got to be 55.
Police Officer: That's right it is. Do you know how fast you were going?
Jerry: A lot faster than that!
Police Officer: Step out of the car sir.
Jerry: Okay dokey
Police Officer: Can I have your license and registration please?
Jerry: Absolutely. Nikki!
Nikki: Yes.
Jerry: Would you mind bringing the officer the registration?
Nikki: Not at all.
Police Officer: I got you on the radar at 93 miles per hour.
Jerry: You must have gotten me when I slowed down to take that curve because for a while there I was doing well over 100.
Nikki: Officer. Hi. Do you really have to give us a ticket?
Jerry: All right Nik. That's it.
Kramer: Hey buddy. I am waiting for my shirt.
Jerry: You got your shirt in my oven!?!
Kramer: I didn't have any quarters for the dryer. Anyway this is better. And it's more convenient.
Jerry: For both of us.
Kramer: And I have a lot more control. I have one shirt going for 10 minutes at 325 degrees.
Jerry: What's wrong with your oven?
Kramer: I am baking a pie!
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Come on up.
Kramer: You got cigars, huh.
Jerry: I got some Cubans for George's wedding. They were more than I wanted to pay for but what the hell!
Kramer: Oh yeah baby. spit, spit. What are these?"Perducto de Peru"Jerry, if you think these are Cubans you have another thing coming.
Jerry: Peru! I paid $300 bucks for these. I could have bought a house in Peru for $300 bucks!
Kramer: You got ripped buddy.
Jerry: I got to pay this Todd Gack guy $300 bucks just so he has some excuse to see Elaine again without asking her out.
Kramer: That's a nice name. Todd Gack. Is that Dutch? (Dingggggg) Oh baby. Here we go. Uh momma.(putting his fresh out of the oven shirt on) Hey George hey.
George: Well this is bad. I am really in a bad situation now.
Jerry: so what is Steinbrenner going to do if he doesn't get his calzones?
George: What's he going to do? That's exactly the point. Nobody knows what this guy is capable of! He fires people like it is a bodily function.
Jerry: Why don't you get someone else from the office to go get Pisano's for you?
George: Because before you know it he'll be having lunch with him. You know how these interoffice politics work.
Jerry: No. I never had a job.
Kramer: I decided to go with the brown one 's. (pants)
George: What the hell is this?
Jerry: Kramer's cooking up some corduroy.
George: There has got to be some way to get back into Pisano's.
Kramer: Pisano's. That's the place by the stadium right?
George: Yeah. You've heard of it?
Kramer: Yeah. Newman raves about it. It's on his mail route. He goes by there everyday.
George: I'll see you guys later.
Jerry: What kind of pie are you cooking?
Kramer: Huckleberry.
Newman: You certainly are in a bind.
George: Yeah. And since you go buy there everyday. I was hoping that we could help each other out.
Newman: Oh well. Let me perfectly blunt. I don't care for you Costanza. You hang out at the west side of the building with Seinfeld all day and just it up wasting your lives.
George: Are you going to help me or not?
Newman: All right, all right. I'll help you but I will except something in return.
George: What?
Newman: Well for starters I want a calzone of my own...
George: All right.
Newman: And a slice of pepperoni pizza and a large soda and three times a week I will require a canolie.
George: That's a little steep don't you think?
Newman: You know I hear Mr. Steinbrenner can be a bit erratic. I would hate to see him when he's hungry.
George: All right, all right.
Newman: Do we have a deal?
George: But I have to have them by one o'clock. He's very regiment about his meals.
Newman: I know exactly how he feels. Pleasure doing business with you. Do come again. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Elaine: This is nice.
Todd: Gack. Party of four.
Elaine: Party of four? Who are we meeting?
Todd: Mom! Dad! This is Elaine.
Mom: Hello.
Elaine: Hellllllooooo.
Mom: Nice meeting you.
Todd: Bye mom.
Mom: She's wonderful.
Elaine: What the hell was that?
Todd: What?
Elaine: Why did you introduce me to your parents?
Todd: There nice people. I thought you would like them.
Elaine: Come on Todd. Admit it, this is a date.
Todd: Why is this a date?
Elaine: Saturday night with your parents. Unless I'm your sister this is a date.
Todd: Elaine. I don't understand why you can't meet someone else's parents without classifying it as a date.
Elaine: Well if it's not a date then what is it?
Todd: It's a lovely evening together.
Elaine: I don't believe this.
Todd: Well I am getting a cab want to join me?
Elaine: No. I'll just walk home.
Todd: Okay goodnight. (goes to kiss her)
Elaine: Now what was that?
Newman: Hello. What 's this?
George: Well I was dropping of the calzone money for the week... Um shouldn't you be at work by now?
Newman: Work? It's raining.
George: Soooooo
Newman: I called in sick. I don't work in the rain.
George: You don't work in the rain? Your a mailman."Neither rain nor sleet nor snow..."It's the first one.
Newman: I was never that big on creeds.
George: You were supposed to deliver my calzones. We had a deal!
Newman: I believe the deal was that I get the calzones on my mail route. Well today I won't be going on my mail route! Will I. Perhaps tomorrow.
George: But I'm paying you!
Newman: Yes thank you. (slams door)
George: Newman!!
Nikki: Peru? I thought you wanted cigars from Cuba?
Jerry: I did.
Nikki: Well if these aren't what you wanted then why did you pay him?
Jerry: Well what could I do? Unless you pay him a visit.
Nikki: Okay.
George: Kramer!
Kramer: Hey you!
George: Look I need you to do me a favor. I need you to get me lunch at Pisano's.
Kramer: What happened to Newman?
George: He called in sick.
Kramer: Oh yeah right it's raining.
George: Can you do it?
Kramer: What time do you need it at?
George: 100 p.m. Do you need any money?
Kramer: No. I got eight tons of change. I'm loaded.
Kramer: Hey hold that bus!
Kramer: Hey. It's really wet out there.
Worker: What can I get you?
Kramer: I here you make a pretty mean calzone.
Worker: Calzone!
Kramer: Yeah calzone.
Worker: The best!
Kramer: All right. Lay them on me. I'll take three.
Worker: Three calzones.
Kramer: Hey. That's a big oven. Huh. Listen. I was wondering if you could do me a favor.
Elaine: Hey Todd.
Todd: Hi. You know Nikki.
Elaine: Yeah sure.
Nikki: Wait. Elaine will settle this. What's the"M"stand for in Richard M. Nixon?
Elaine: Milhouse.
Nikki: I told you so. He said it was Moe. You owe me a dinner.
Worker: Your order is ready. Three calzones and one shirt and jacket.
Kramer: Oh. This is all burned up. Look at this.
Worker: What the hell do I know about cooking a shirt? What the hell is this? Your paying in pennies?
Kramer: That's all I got.
Worker: No. You have to have bills. Paper money. You can't pay with this.
Kramer: I told you this is all I got.
Worker: Then no calzones.
George: What happened? Where have you been?
Kramer: The guy wouldn't give them to me because I wanted to pay in change.
George: What the hell happened to your shirt?
Kramer: He overcooked it. It's ruined.
George: Your clothes smell just like Pisano's. There's another Italian place on Jerome. Maybe I can fool him.
Mr. Steinbrenner: (on phone) That's right. Do you want to say it again. I'll say it again. I hadn't had a pimple since I was eighteen and I don't care that you don't believe me or not. And how's this. Your fired. Okay your not. I am just a little hungry. Where's Costanza with my calzone. It's 115. He's late. That smell. I have to call you back. Costanza. He's in the building. Costanza is in the building and he's not in this office. Costanza! I'll get you.
Jerry: Stupid cigars. You know if I didn't send Nikki over to talk to him they wouldn't be together.
Elaine: These are terrible.
Jerry: It's like trying to smoke a chicken bone.
Elaine: What kind of a name is Todd Gack anyway.
Jerry: I think it's Dutch. I got to get going.
Elaine: Where are you going?
Jerry: I... uh...promised Nikki that I'd walk her dog for her.
Elaine: But she broke up with you.
Jerry: I know, I know. But some how she explained it to me and I couldn't say no.
Elaine: It smells like a rubber fire.
Jerry: What's that?
Elaine: I said rubber fire.
Jerry: Oh.
Elaine: Did you ever pay Todd for these things?
Jerry: Actually it's being taken care of right now.
Kramer: You Gack?
Todd: Yeah.
Kramer: Here's your money.
Mr. Steinbrenner: George. Why do these clothes smell like Pisano's?
George: Because they were heated up there.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Heating up your clothes? That's not a bad idea.


Wilhelm: And you can tell the players that I reimburse the trainer for the cigarettes and the dive checks.
George: Sorry, the players will be reimbursed?
Wilhelm: The trainer, George. Tell the players I'll reimburse the trainer. What's the matter with you? This is the third time I've had to repeat myself.
George: Sorry, Mr Wilhelm.
Wilhelm: Look, sorry doesn't cut it. We're running a ball club here George. You've got to pay attention.
George: I know, sir. It won't happen again.
Wilhelm: Lemme see, I uh, I had an assignment for you... uh.
Wilhelm: Lemme think here.
Peterman: Elaine.
Elaine: Hi, Mr Peterman.
Peterman: You know what a huge fan I am of John F Kennedy.
Elaine: I do.
Peterman: It was the Peace Corps that gave me my start in this business. (nostalgic) Clothing the naked natives of Bantu Besh.
Elaine: The pygmy pullover.
Peterman: Sotheby's is having an auction of JFK's memorabilia. One item in particular has caught my eye. The presidential golf clubs. To me, they capture that indefinable romance that was Camelot.
Elaine: Whatever.
Peterman: But, unfortunately I will be out of town with my lady-friend and therefore unable to bid on the lot. I was hoping maybe you would go in my stead.
Elaine: Oh. (pleasant surprise) Oh yeah, I'd be happy to. Uhm, how much d'you want this thing? (smilingly) I mean, you know, how high are you willing to go?
Peterman: I would see no trouble in spending up to, say, ten thousand dollars. Have my secretary give you a signed cheque.
Elaine: Wow.
Wilhelm: ...when you're done George, and bring it directly to me. Mr Steinbrenner is very interested in this.
George: Yes, sir.
Wilhelm: (drying his hands and heading for the door) Yes, George. I want you to make this project a top priority.
George: I will, sir. Top priority.
Wilhelm: (exiting) Top priority.
George: Top priority.
George: So he walks out of the stall, he's been talking the whole time.
Jerry: He pulled an LBJ on you.
George: LBJ?
Jerry: Lyndon Johnson, used to do that to his staffers.
George: No kidding?
Jerry: Oh yeah. He'd hold national security meetings in there. He planned the Hanoi bombing after a bad Thai meal.
George: Well, I still don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't even know what my assignment is.
Jerry: Ask him to repeat it. Tell him there was an echo in there.
George: I can't. He's been on my case about not paying attention. Besides, it's too late, I already told him I heard him.
Jerry: You know what you do? Ask him a follow-up question. Tell him you're having trouble getting started, and you want his advice.
George: Yeah, follow-up question, that'll work.
Kramer: Hey buddy.
Jerry: Hey.
George: Hey.
Jerry: Can I have my keys...
Kramer: (tossing car keys to Jerry) Yeah.
Jerry: (catching keys) ...back, please?
Kramer: You shoulda come, Jerry.
Newman: We made quite a haul.
George: Where'd you go?
Kramer: Price club.
George: Why didn't you take your car?
Kramer: Ah, the steering wheel fell off. I don't know where it is.
Kramer: What're you doing. (fetching the bottle from the trash) Don't throw that away.
Newman: Well, I'm not paying the five cents for that stupid recycling thing.
Kramer: You don't pay five cents, you get five cents back. Here, read the label here. (reads from bottle) Vermont, Connecticut, Massachusetts, New York. Refund, (brings bottle up close to Newman's eyes) vrrup, five cents.
Newman: (taking bottle) Refund?
Kramer: Yes.
Jerry: Well, what d'you think the hoboes are doing?
Newman: I don't know, they're deranged.
George: Awright, listen, can you uh, gimme a lift back to my place?
Jerry: No I can't. I gotta pick up Elaine. I'm taking her to this Kennedy auction.
George: Awright, I'll see you later.
Newman: (peering at bottle label) What is this 'MI, ten cents'?
Kramer: That's Michigan. In Michigan you get ten cents.
Newman: Ten cents!?
Kramer: Yeah.
Newman: Wait a minute. You mean you get five cents here, and ten cents there. You could round up bottles here and run 'em out to Michigan for the difference.
Kramer: No, it doesn't work.
Newman: What d'you mean it doesn't work? You get enough bottles together...
Kramer: Yeah, you overload your inventory and you blow your margins on gasoline. Trust me, it doesn't work.
Jerry: (re-entering) Hey, you're not talking that Michigan deposit bottle scam again, are you?
Kramer: No, no, I'm off that.
Newman: You tried it?
Kramer: Oh yeah. Every which way. Couldn't crunch the numbers. It drove me crazy.
Jerry: (leaving) You two keep an eye on each other?
Newman/Kramer: (simultaneous) No problem. You bet.
Jerry: Are you sure you didn't hear my car making a funny noise? I know those two idiots did something to it.
Elaine: No, I didn't hear anything. (she spots a familiar face) Oh, my God, look who's here.
Jerry: Sue Ellen Mishke, the braless 'O Henry' candy bar heiress.
Sue Ellen: Well. Hello Elaine. Jerry.
Elaine: Hi Sue Ellen.
Jerry: Hi Sue Ellen.
Sue Ellen: I'm surprised to see you here. Come to catch a glimpse of high society?
Elaine: (faked laughter) Oh, ho ha ha. No, no, I'm actually here to bid, Sue Ellen. I mean that is if anything is to my liking.
Jerry: I'm here to catch a glimpse... of high society.
Sue Ellen: Well, I hope you find something that fits your budget.
Elaine: (half under her breath and half to Jerry) I... hate that woman.
Newman: I don't understand. You fill an eighteen-wheeler?
Kramer: No, an eighteen-wheeler's no good. Too much overhead. You got permits, weigh-stations, tolls... Look, you're way outta your league.
Newman: I wanna learn. I want to know why.
Elaine: (loudly, for the benefit of Sue-Ellen) Oh. Those are handsome. Look at that set. Yeah, think I might bid on those.
Auctioneer: Lot number seven forty-five. We have a full set of golf clubs, that were owned by President John F Kennedy, as seen in the famous photograph of the president chipping at Burning Tree on the morning of the Bay of Pigs invasion. The set in perfect condition, and we will start the bidding at four thousand dollars. Four thousand dollars? Do I have four thousand dollars?
Auctioneer: I have four thousand dollars. Do I have five? (another person bids) Five thousand dollars. I have five thousand dollars. Do I have six? Six thousand dollars for this set of beautiful clubs. (another bid) Six. I have six thousand dollars. Can I have sixty-five hundred?
Auctioneer: Sixty-five hundred to the dark-haired person on the right. We are at sixty-five hundred, do I hear sixty-six hundred?
Auctioneer: The president's own golf clubs. Leisure life at Camelot. Sixty-five hundred going once...
Sue Ellen: Eight thousand.
Auctioneer: Eight thousand. We have eight thousand. The bid is now eight thousand dollars.
Elaine: (to Jerry) What is she doing? She's starting in on the bidding now? (to Auctioneer) Eighty-five hundred!
Auctioneer: We have eighty-five...
Sue Ellen: Nine thousand.
Auctioneer: Nine thousand dollars.
Jerry: Think she wants those clubs.
Auctioneer: Do I hear ninety-five? Ninety-five hundred...
Elaine: Ninety-five hundred.
Sue Ellen: Ten thousand.
Auctioneer: Ten thousand, to the shapely woman on the left. Ten thousand going once...
Jerry: Well, that's your ceiling.
Auctioneer: Ten thousand going twice...
Elaine: (determined) Eleven thousand!
Sue Ellen: Twelve thousand.
Elaine: (angrier) Thirteen thousand!
Sue Ellen: Fourteen thousand.
Elaine: (vicious) Fifteen thousand!!
Elaine: Peterman is gonna kill me.
Jerry: I really thought you had her there at seventeen thousand.
Elaine: Why didn't you stop me?
Jerry: Do you hear this clunking?
Elaine: (listening) A little.
Elaine: Oh. You know what? (indicates clubs) I'm gonna grab these from you later. You'll take care of 'em, okay? Okay. See you tomorrow.
Jerry: Okay.
Elaine: Alrighty, bye.
Jerry: Bye.
Jerry: What's going on here?
Jerry: Oh God!
Jerry: (angry) Oh, you idiots!
Newman: So we could put the bottles in a U-haul. You know, go lean and mean?
Kramer: Newman, it's a dead-end, c'mon. (Jerry enters) Hey, there he is.
Jerry: Hey. You put your groceries under the hood of my car?
Kramer: (to Newman) Aw, that's right, we forgot about those.
Newman: (to Kramer) That's where my missing soda is.
Jerry: And your crab legs, and a thing of cheese. The Triple-A guy said I was this close to sucking a muffin down the carburetor. What were you thinking?
Kramer: We ran outta space.
Jerry: Now I gotta take the car down to Tony and get it checked out.
Kramer: Ah, Tony, he's good.
Jerry: Yeah, he's real good. But he's so obsessive about the car. He makes me feel guilty about every little thing that's wrong with it. I gotta get it washed before I bring it down to him, or I'm afraid he'll yell at me.
Kramer: (offering the artichoke can) 'Choke?'
Jerry: No, thank you.
Tony: (lovingly) Oh, yeah. I remember this car. Beautiful car.
Jerry: Yeah. So, anyway, the engine's been idling a little rough. I thought it might be time for a check up...
Jerry: There's really nothing wrong on the inside.
Tony: Well, the shift knob is loose. You know about that?
Jerry: No, I hadn't noticed.
Tony: (accusingly) Have you been picking at it?
Jerry: Have I been picking at it? No. You know. It's just wear and tear.
Tony: (disapprovingly) Wear and tear. I see.
Jerry: The engine is really the only thing that needs checking.
Tony: You been rotating the tires?
Jerry: Try to.
Tony: (sharp) You don't try to. You do it! Fifty-one percent of all turns are right turns. You know that? 'Try to.'
Peterman: Twenty thousand dollars!?! Elaine, that's twice the amount I authorised you to spend.
Elaine: I know, Mr Peterman, but but but but once I saw them, I just couldn't stand to let anyone else have them. (warming to her subject) You know, certainly not some stuck-up candy bar heiress who shamelessly flaunts herself in public without any regard...
Peterman: Well, where are they?
Elaine: (ingratiatingly) They should be here today.
George: Uh, Mr Wilhelm.
Wilhelm: (entering the office) Yes George.
George: Hi, I was just uh... I just had one little question about uh, my assignment.
Wilhelm: Yes, well I trust things are moving smoothly. Mr Steinbrenner's counting on you, you know.
George: Yes, yes. Very smooth, super smooth. No, but I really wanna attack this thing, you know. Sink my teeth into it. So I was just wondering... what do you think would be the very best way to get started?
Wilhelm: (confusion) Get started? I don't understand, George.
George: Well, I was wondering...
Wilhelm: You mean you haven't been to payroll?
George: Payroll? No, no, I haven't done that.
Wilhelm: Well, what's the problem? Now come on George. I told the big man you were moving on this. Now, don't let him down!
George: Payroll!!
[Yankee Stadium: Payroll Office]
George: Hello there. I'm George Costanza.
Clerk: Yes?
George: Assistant to the travelling secretary. (fishing for a reaction) I'm uh, working on the project.
Clerk: What project?
George: Payroll project. Wilhelm? Big uh, big payroll project.
Clerk: You're gonna have to fill me in.
George: You know what, I'll just uh, I'll just look around for a little while. (moving to come round the counter) I'll just browse around.
Clerk: (blocking George) Hey, wait, hey. Excuse me, uh, you can't come back here.
George: Look, I am under direct orders from Mr Wilhelm. So if you have a problem with that, maybe you should just take it up with him.
Clerk: Well, maybe I will.
George: (spotting possible salvation) You know what, I urge you to take it up with him. Go ahead, give him a call, he'll tell you what I'm doing here. (half to himself) Then you can tell me.
Clerk: (on phone) Mr Wilhelm, uh, this is Lafarge in payroll. Uh, there's a Costanza here, says he's working on some project?
Clerk: (on phone) Oh. (he swaps the phone to his other ear) Oh, I see. (listens) Interesting. (listens) Well, that's quite a project. Alright, thank you.
Clerk: (apologetically) Ah, I'm sorry uh, that I doubted you. Whatever you need, just uh, make yourself at home.
George: So he explained it all to you?
Clerk: Yes, he explained it all very clearly.
George: What'd he tell you?
Clerk: (upset) Look! You were right, I was wrong! You don't have to humiliate me about it, alright!
Newman: Damn!
Newman (V.O.): Oh, Mother's Day. (inspiration strikes) Wait a second. Mother's Day?!
Newman: (triumphant) Yessss!
Newman: Ahaha!
Newman: Come on Kramer!
Kramer: Wha...?
Newman: It's the truck, Kramer. The truck!
Kramer: Look, Newman, I told you to let this thing go.
Newman: No, no, no, no no. Listen to me. Most days, the post office sends one truckload of mail to the second domestic regional sorting facility in Sagenaw, Michigan.
Kramer: (interested) Uh-huh.
Newman: But, on the week before holidays, we see a surge. On alentine's Day, we send two trucks. On Christmas, four, packed to the brim. And tomorrow, if history is any guide, will see some spillover into a fifth truck.
Kramer: (realisation) Mother's Day.
Newman: The mother of all mail days. And guess who signed up for the truck.
Kramer: A free truck? Oh boy, that completely changes our cost structure. Our G and A goes down fifty percent.
Newman: (excited) We carry a coupla bags of mail, and the rest is ours!
Kramer: Newman, you magnificent bastard, you did it!
Newman: (triumph) Let the collecting begin!
[Yankee Stadium: George's Office]
Wilhelm: So...
Wilhelm: ...did you go down to payroll?
George: (standing) Yes, payroll. Yes I did. Very productive. Payroll... Paid off.
Wilhelm: (pleased) Well then, I guess you'll be heading downtown then, huh?
George: Oh, yeah. Downtown. Definitely.
Wilhelm: Well, I'm very interested to see how this thing turns out.
George: (to himself) Yeah, you said it. (to Wilhelm) Uh, excuse me, Mr Wilhelm. Uh, do you really think... Well, is this downtown trip really necessary, you know, for the project?
Wilhelm: Oh no, you've got to go downtown, George. It's all downtown. Just like the song says.
George: The song?
Wilhelm: There's your answer. Downtown.
George: (thoughtful) Downtown.
Jerry: The song Downtown? You mean the Petula Clark song?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: You sure he didn't just mention it because you happened to be going downtown?
George: I think he was trying to tell me something, like it had some sort of a meaning.
Jerry: Okay, so how does it go?
George: 'When you're alone, and life is making you lonely, you can always go...'
Jerry: '... downtown.'
George: 'Maybe you know some little places to go, where they never close...'
Jerry: '...downtown.'
George: Wait a second. 'Little places to go, where they never close.' What's a little place that never closes?
Jerry: Seven-eleven?
George: 'Just listen to the music of the traffic, in the city. Linger on the sidewalk, where the neon lights are pretty.' Where the neon lights are pretty. The Broadway area?
Jerry: No, that's midtown.
George: 'The lights are much brighter there. You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares, just go...'
Jerry: '...down town.'
George: 'Things'll be great, when you're...'
Jerry: '...downtown.'
George: I got nothing, Jerry. Nothing.
Jerry: Well, 'don't hang around and let your troubles surround you. There are movie shows...'
George: You think I should come clean? What d'you think, you think I Should confess?
Jerry: How can you lose?
Tony (O.S.): Yeah, Jerry, it's Tony Abato at the shop. Look, we gotta talk. You better come down, any time after four.
Jerry: Hello.
Elaine: Hi, it's me.
Jerry: Oh, hi.
Elaine: Listen, I need to come over and pick up the clubs for Peterman.
Jerry: Oh, you know what?
Elaine: (worry) Oh no. What?
Jerry: Oh, no. It's no big deal. I left the clubs in the car.
Elaine: You left them in the car? How could you leave them in the car?
Jerry: I forgot.
Elaine: Oh, go down and get them.
Jerry: I can't. The car's at the mechanics.
Elaine: Ah, this is great. Alright, well, where is the mechanic? I'll just go and pick 'em up myself.
Jerry: No, no, you can't. He's working on the car right now. You can not disturb him while he's working. But I'm going down there in like an hour, if you wanna meet me down there. You know the place, it's on fifty-sixth street?
Elaine: (resigned) Ugh, okay, alright, fine.
Jerry: Hey, Tony.
Tony: Thanks for coming in, Jerry.
Jerry: Sure.
Tony: I think I know what's goin' on here, and I just wanna hear it from you. But I want you to be straight with me. Don't lie to me, Jerry. You know that motor oil you're puttin' in there? (reproachful) From one of those quicky lube places, isn't it?
Jerry: Well, I change it so often, I mean to come all the way down here...
Tony: Jerry, motor oil is the lifeblood of a car. Okay, you put in a low-grade oil, you could damage vital engine parts. Okay. (holds up component) See this gasket? (throws it down) I have no confidence in that gasket.
Jerry: I really wanna...
Tony: Here's what I wanna do. I wanna overhaul the entire engine. But it's gonna take a major commitment from you. You're gonna have to keep it under sixty miles an hour for a while. You gotta come in, and you gotta get the oil changed every thousand miles.
Jerry: How much money is this gonna cost me?
Tony: (contempt) Huh. I don't understand you. It's your own car we're talking about. You know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tyre pressure. When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid?
Jerry: The washer fluid is fine.
Tony: (angry) The washer fluid is not fine!
Jerry: Alright, you know what, uhm... I just wanna take my car, and I'm gonna bring it someplace else.
Tony: What d'you mean?
Jerry: Just, can I have my car? I wanna pay my bill, I'm gonna be on my way.
Tony: Well, the car's on a lift.
Jerry: Well, just get it down.
Tony: (subdued) Alright. Okay. Well, uhm, wait here and I'll uh, I'll bring it around.
Jerry: Okay. Thank you, very much.
Elaine: Hey. Where's the car?
Jerry: He's bringing it.
Elaine: Good.


Jerry (V.O.): Last week on Seinfeld.
So Far: Newman and Kramer are using a USPS mail truck to run deposit bottles and cans to Michigan, in order to collect 10 cents on each of them. George has been given an assignment by Mr Wilhelm, but he hasn't a clue what it is. Elaine outbids Sue-Ellen Mishke at an auction, to buy John F Kennedy's golf clubs on behalf of Mr Peterman, and leaves them in the back of Jerry's car. Kramer and Newman have left groceries under the hood of Jerry's car, meaning Jerry has to take it to Tony the mechanic, who loves the car more than Jerry does. When Jerry asks for his car back, Tony flees in it, taking JFK's clubs with him.
Jerry: Okay, thank you. (hangs up the phone)
Elaine: So? What'd they say?
Jerry: They're sending a detective to my apartment tomorrow.
Elaine: What the hell were you thinking leaving my clubs in that car?!
Jerry: Well, I didn't count on my mechanic pulling a Mary-Beth Whitehead, did I?
Elaine: What kind of maniac is this guy?
Jerry: He's a very special maniac.
Elaine: What am I supposed to tell Mr Peterman.
Jerry: I don't know.
Elaine: Why couldn't you take better care of that car?!
Peterman: Well, are they here?
Elaine: Mr Peterman, uh... There seems to be a bit of a snag.
Peterman: Snag?
Elaine: It seems that a psychotic mechanic has absconded with my friend's car.
Peterman: What does that have to do with my clubs?
Elaine: They happened to be in the back seat at the time.
Detective: What was the suspect wearing at the time of the incident?
Jerry: You know, like mechanic's pants, a shirt that said 'Tony'. Lemme ask you something, have you ever seen a case like this before?
Detective: All the time. A mechanic forms an emotional attachment, thinks he'sgonna lose the car, he panics, he does something rash. I'm gonna ask you somepersonal questions. I'm sorry if I touch a nerve, but I think it'll help with the case. Had you been taking good care of the car?
Jerry: Had I been taking...?
Detective: Well, did you leave the A/C on? Do you zip over speed bumps? Do you ride the clutch? Things like that.
Jerry: W-well, what does it matter? It's my car, I can do whatever I want with it.
Jerry: Not that I would think of doing such things.
Detective: (making a note) Alright Mr Seinfeld, we'll let you know if we find anything. I gotta be honest with you, these cases never end up well.
Jerry: Well uh, whatever you can do. Thanks.
[Yankee Stadium: George's Office]
George: (hesitant) Uh, Mr Wilhelm. Uh, about the project...
Wilhelm: That's what I came to talk to you about. Great job George. (shakes George's hand) You really nailed it.
George: I did?
Wilhelm: Oh yes, I read through it this morning. I couldn't have done it better myself, and I turned it right over to Mr Steinbrenner. Good work George.
Jerry: I don't get it. He assigns it to you, you don't do it. Somehow it gets done, and now he's telling you what a great job you did.
George: Maybe somebody did it and didn't take credit for it. Maybe it was already done and didn't need doing in the first place. I have no idea who did it, what they did, or how they did it so well. And you know what? Jimmy crack corn and I don't care.
Wilhelm: The gardener did a nice job planting the rose bushes, didn't he dear?
Mrs Wilhelm (O.C.): You planted the rose bushes, dear.
Wilhelm: I did?
Mrs Wilhelm (O.C.): Yesterday. You remember.
Wilhelm: (thinks for a moment) That's right. (pause) What's for dinner?
Mrs Wilhelm (O.C.): We just ate. Did you forget to take your medicine?
George: The point is, however it got done, it's done. So, any luck with the car?
Jerry: No. The police have no leads (sitting on the couch arm) and I just found out today my insurance doesn't cover it.
George: Why not?
Jerry: They don't consider it stolen, if you wilfully give the guy the keys.
Elaine: (to George) Hey.
George: Hey.
Elaine: (to Jerry) Hey. What did the detective say?
Jerry: They're looking.
George: I gotta go.
Jerry: Y'hello.
Detective (V.O.): Mr Seinfeld?
Jerry: Yeah.
Detective (V.O.): It's Detective McMahon...
Detective (V.O.): ...I'm at the warehouse on Pier 38. Ah, I think you'd better get down here.
Jerry: Yeah, okay. (to Elaine) They may have found the car.
Elaine: (makes surprise noise) Are the clubs in it? Ask him.
Jerry: Are there golf clubs in the back?
Detective (V.O.): We really can't tell. You better bring your service records.
Young Cop: Watch where you step. There's quite a bit of... grease. Detective, Jerry Seinfeld is here.
Detective: How d'you do. Thanks for coming down.
Jerry: (indicating) This is Elaine Benes.
Elaine: (explaining) We used to date, but now we're just friends.
Detective: I see.
Jerry: Yeah.
Detective: I'm sorry to make you go through this, but we need to make sure.
Jerry: Well, what's going on? What is this thing?
Detective: One of our patrolmen stumbled over this.
Elaine: (horrified) Huuh! (she turns away and covers her mouth)
Jerry: Oh my God!
Detective: The block is nearly split apart. We found the overhead cams thirty feet away. We can only hope the body sold for scrap.
Elaine: Oh, my God.
Detective: And we know it's a Saab. The angle on the Vee-6 is definitely ninety-two. The model is hard to determine because the drive train is all burnt out.
Jerry: What is that smell?
Detective: Look at the clutch.
Elaine: Uuh.
Young Cop: Excuse me.
Detective: Whoever did this didn't just dismantle it. I mean, they took their time, they had fun. They were very systematic. They went out of their way to gouge the sides of every piston, and the turbo was separated from the housing and shoved right up the exhaust pipe.
Elaine: Uhh
Jerry: Wait a second. Turbo? I didn't have a turbo.
Detective: Your car's not a turbo?
Jerry: No, it's a nine-hundred S. (happy) It's a turbo, Elaine, a turbo!
Elaine: (sobbing happiness) It's a tu-hur-bo.
Woman: Excuse me, did you say turbo? Saab turbo nine-thousand? Is it... (voice breaking) midnight blue?
Detective: (condolences) Yes ma'am.
Kramer/Newman: (singing) Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bottle and cans in the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bottles and cans. At ten cents a bottle and ten cents a can, we're pulling in five hundred dollars a man. Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottle and cans in the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottles and cans. We fill up with gas, we count up our cash!!...
Jerry: Hello.
Tony: Hey Jerry, it's Tony.
Jerry: Tony, where are you?
Tony: Aw look, I just want you to know that the car is fine. I got her all fixed up. We're in a nice area, no potholes, no traffic. So there's nothing to worry about. Okay? In fact, here, somebody wants to talk to you.
Jerry: Tony, y-you better bring that car back!
Tony: (angry) Nobody's giving anything back! You tried to take it from me, I don't forget that.
Jerry: Tony, it is my car, and I want it back!
Tony: Oh, your car. You want your car back!
Jerry: Tony.
Tony: Listen, that registration may have your name on it, Jerry. But this engine's running on my sweat and my blood.
Jerry: (exasperated) Where do I find these guys?
Newman: How much gas we got?
Kramer: Three quarters of a tank.
Kramer: That's better than we estimated.
Newman: (smugly) That is seven dollars and twenty-two cents better.
Newman: Maybe we could uh, stop for a snack.
Kramer: Ah, no, that's not in the budget.
Newman: Yeah well, the budget changed, you know. I mean, it might be a good investment.
Kramer: That's not a good investment, that's a loss.
Kramer: Hey, d'you see that car? Looks like Jerry's. I'm gonna check out that license plate.
Kramer: Yeah, those are New York plates.
Newman: Is that Jerry's number?
Kramer: I don't know, but that's New York and we're in Ohio. Those are pretty good odds.
Newman: What're you doing?
Kramer: I'm calling Jerry.
Newman: On what?
Kramer: Brought my phone.
Jerry: (answering phone) Y'hello.
Kramer: Yeah, hey Jerry, what's your licence plate number?
Jerry: Why, what's up?
Kramer: Yeah, well I think I spotted your car.
Jerry: Oh my god, you're kidding. (dives for his wallet) Hang on a second. (reading from his registration) It's JVN 728.
Kramer: (checks the car ahead of him) Hey, that's it! That's it. Hey, uh look, we got him. We're driving right behind him in a truck.
Jerry: Oh my god. Yeah, yeah, he said he brought it to the country.
Kramer: Well we're in the country and we're right on his tail.
Jerry: Good work Kramer, this is incredible.
Kramer: Yeah, don't worry Jerry. We're right on this guy like stink on a monkey! I'll check back with you.
Elaine: Elaine Benes.
Jerry: Yeah, it's me. Kramer found the car!
Elaine: Oh my god, where is it?
Jerry: It's somewhere in the country, they're following 'em.
Elaine: Are the clubs there?
Jerry: I don't know. They're tailing him. I'm waiting for them to call me back.
Elaine: Alright, I'm heading over right now.
Elaine: What's the status?
Jerry: Last check-in, they were still on him.
Elaine: Well, have they called the police yet?
Jerry: No, they won't call the police.
Elaine: What? Why not?
Jerry: They're afraid they'll get in trouble for misusing a mail truck. Kramer doesn't want a record.
Elaine: Kramer has a record.
Jerry: Not a Federal record.
Elaine/Jerry: Kramer?
Jerry: What's going on?
Kramer: Yeah, nothing. We're still following him.
Kramer: Wait a second, he's getting off. Yeah, he's gonna be going south on the one-thirty-five.
Elaine: Keep following him.
Kramer: Alright, alright, I'll follow him.
Newman: Hey, we can't follow him, we're going north to Michigan.
Kramer: Yeah, hey listen, I can't. It's gonna be taking us out of our way.
Elaine: I need those clubs.
Jerry: Kramer, I want my car.
Kramer: Well, I don't know what to do.
Newman: Hey, we got ten thousand deposit bottles here. I mean, this guy could be going to Arkansas.
Jerry: Keep following him Kramer. don't let me down.
Newman: Hey, don't listen to him. I mean, we can't afford a detour. Our budget won't hold it.
Kramer: Well, I don't know what to do man!
Newman: Kramer! Stay left. Left, left, left.
Elaine/Jerry: Right. Go right!/South!
Kramer: Alright! Alright. I'm getting off! I'm gonna go on the ramp.
Newman: I hope you realise what you've done. You've destroyed our whole venture.
Kramer: This ramp is steep.
Newman: All my work, my planning, my genius. All for nought.
Kramer: Alright, look, we're pulling too much weight. He's getting away from us here. (indicating) Take the wheel.
Newman: What're you doing?
Kramer: (climbing though into the back of the truck) I'm gonna get something.
Newman: Are you crazy?
Kramer: Keep your foot on the gas.
Newman: Hey! You're not dumping those bottles back there, are you?
Newman: Hey Kramer, those have wholesale value! We could cut our losses.
Kramer: Look out below!!
[Yankee Stadium: Steinbrenner's Office]
Steinbrenner: (to himself) With this magnifying glass, I feel like a scientist.
George: You wanted to see me, sir?
Steinbrenner: Ah, come in George, come in.
Steinbrenner: Uh, Wilhelm gave me this project you worked on.
George: (smiling) Yes sir.
Steinbrenner: Let me ask you something, George. You having any personal problems at home? Girl trouble, love trouble of any kind?
George: (wondering where this is leading) No sir.
Steinbrenner: What about drugs? You doing some of that crack cocaine? You on the pipe?
George: (worried now) No sir.
Steinbrenner: Are you seeing a psychiatrist? Bcause I got a flash for you young man, you're non compos mentis! You got some bats in the belfry!
George: What're.. What're you talking about?
Steinbrenner: George, I've read this report. It's very troubling, very troubling indeed. It's a sick mind at work here.
Steinbrenner: Okay, come on boys, come on in here. George, this is Herb and Dan.
Steinbrenner: They're gonna take you away to a nice place where you can get some help. They're very friendly people there. My brother-in-law was there for a couple of weeks. The man was obsessed with lactating women. They completely cured him, although he still eats a lot of cheese.
George: Ah, see, Mister.. I didn't write that report. That, that's not mine.
Steinbrenner: Of course you didn't George. Of course you didn't write it.
George: I didn't do it! It..It just got done. I don't know how it got done, but it did.
Steinbrenner: Of course. Of course it got done. Things get done all the time, I understand. (as George disappears) Don't worry, your job'll be waiting for you when you get back. (banging his fist on his desk) Get better George. Get better!
Kramer: (frustrated) Damn. I don't understand this. I've ditched every bottle and can, and we still can't gain. It's like we're...
Kramer: ...sluggish.
Newman: I went through all those bottles and all those cans, for what? What a waste. And I'm really gonna catch hell for those missing mailbags.
Kramer: Heyy, wasn't that a pie stand back there?
Newman: (perks up) A pie stand? Where?
Kramer: Oh yeah. Home-made pies, two hundred yards back.
Newman: Aww, c'mon, pull over, pull over will ya.
Newman: Where? I..I..I don't see it.
Kramer: Well open the door, you get a better look.
Newman: I don't see any pie...
Newman: ...Aargh!
Newman: Kramer!!
Kramer: I'm sorry Newman, you were holding us back.
Newman: (after speeding truck) Kramer!!
Kramer: (shouting) Jerry! We've lost the fat man, and we're running lean. We're back on track, buddy!
Newman: Federal employee. Federal employee.
Farmer: Hello stranger.
Newman: (a touch desperate) Ah, look, I..I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of backwoods mail-hating survivalists.
Farmer: Calm down, now. Calm down. Don't worry, we'll take care of you. This farm ain't much, but uh, you're welcome to what we have. Hot bath, hearty meal, clean bed.
Newman: Oh, thank you, sir.
Farmer: Just have one rule. Keep your hands off my daughter.
Kramer: Jerry, we got 'im. I'm riding his tail. There's no escape. He's running scared, buddy.
Jerry: How's the gas situation?
Kramer: (checks dial) I got enough to get to Memphis.
Kramer: He's reaching in back. He's grabbing at something.
Kramer: He's pulling out a gun! He's got a gun, Jerry!!
Jerry: Duck, Kramer! Duck!
Kramer: It's a golf club! It's no gun. He threw a golf club at me!
Elaine: Those are JFK's golf clubs!
Kramer: Hey, I'm under fire here. (another club hits) I'm under heavy fire here, boy. (another hit) Jeez! That was a five-iron!
Elaine: Stop the truck, Kramer. Pick up the clubs!
Jerry: No, don't stop, Kramer. Keep going, don't let him get away.
Kramer: Wait a minute, I think he's done. (peers at the Saab) Oh no, he's taking out the woods!
Kramer: (noise)
Kramer: (yelling at Tony) You'll have to do a lot better than that!
Jerry: (hearing the noises) What's happening!
Kramer: This truck is dying. We're losing him.
Kramer: I think we lost him.
Jerry: (disappointment) Dammit!
Elaine: (quietly) Can you stop and pick up those clubs Kramer?
Kramer: (subdued) Yeah, yeah, I'll get 'em.
Farmer: Enjoy that mutton?
Newman: (mouth full) It's delicious mutton. This is uh, this is outta sight. I would, I would love to get the recipe. It's very good.
Farmer: That cider too strong for you?
Newman: No, no. I love strong cider. (for the farmer's daughter's benefit) I'm a big, strong, cider guy.
Farmer: Gonna be milking Holsteins in the morning, if you'd like to lend a hand.
Newman: (reluctant) You know, I don't really know that much about uh.. I don't have any.. I don't.. I don't think I know much about that.
Farmer: Ahh, Susie here'll teach you.
Farmer: Just gotta pull on the teat a little.
Susie: (suggestive) Nice having a big, strong, man around.
Newman: You know, those mail bags, they get mighty heavy. I uh, I Nautilus, of course. (puffs out his chest)
Newman: (breaking from his pose) Can I have some gravy?
George: (desperate) Steinbrenner had me committed! I'm in the nuthouse!
Deena: I'll be back same time next week, Pop.
George: (quieter desperation) They took my belt, Jerry. I got nothing to hold my pants up. (listens) Well, you gotta come over here now! Just tell 'em what we talked about, how I, how I, I didn't do the project.
Deena: George?
Deena: I see you're finally getting some help.
George: Aw, hoh, oh Deena, thank God. (he hugs Deena) Thank God you're here. Listen, you gotta help me. You gotta tell these people that I'm okay. You know that I don't belong in here.
Deena: George, this is the best thing for you. (she walks away)
George: Yea... (sinks in) What? No, no!
George: Deena! Deena, wait a... Deena, help!
Pop: Is that little Georgie C? How's the folks? You still got that nice little car?
Newman: (screaming in panic) Aaah!! Aaah!
Kramer: What you doing?!
Newman: (pushing past Kramer) Kramer, help me! Help me!
Kramer: (takes one look and sets off after Newman) Jeez!
Farmer: (taking aim) I told you to keep away from my daughter!
Susie: No daddy, you'll hurt him! I love him! (waving after Newman) Goodbye Norman, goodbye.
Peterman: (excited) Elaine! You found the clubs. That's wonderful news. Where are they?
Elaine: (not the soul of happiness) Yep. Lemme get 'em for you, Mr Peterman.
Peterman: Oh, I'll be inaugrating them this weekend, with none other than Ethel Kennedy. A woman whose triumph in the face of tragedy is exceeded only by her proclivity to procreate.
Elaine: The uh, the letter of, authenticity's in the side pocket there.
Peterman: Elaine. I never knew Kennedy had such a temper.
Elaine: (spotting a chance to keep her job) Oh. Oh yeah. The only thing worse was his slice. (she laughs nervously)
Peterman: See you on Monday.
Elaine: Have a good game.