[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
George: I can't believe this.
Jerry: Oh, it won't be for that long.
George: How can I do this? How can I move back in with those people? Please, tell me. They're insane. You know that.
Jerry: Hey, my parents are just as crazy as your parents.
George: How can you compare you parents to my parents?!
Jerry: My father has never thrown anything out. Ever!
George: My father wears his sneakers in the pool! Sneakers!
Jerry: My mother has never set foot in a natural body of water.
George: (Showing Jerry up) Listen carefully. My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee.. never went 'Ha!'
Jerry: A smirk?
George: Maybe!.. And I'm moving back in there!
Jerry: I told you I'd lend you the money for the rent.
George: No, no, no, no. Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.
Kramer: Alright. I'm ready. (To George) You know, I still don't understand - why do you want to move back in with your parents?
George: I don't want to! I'm outta money! I got 714 dollars left in the bank.
Kramer: Well, move in here.
Jerry: (Stopping the notion) What's that?
Kramer: Why doesn't he just move in here?
George: (Sarcastic) Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna move in with him. He doesn't even let you use the toilet!
Kramer: You can move in with me, if you want.
George: (Sincerely) Thank you.. I, uh.. that might not work out.
[Setting: The Costanza's house]
Estelle: Careful! Careful with the suitcases! We just painted!
Kramer: Hello, Mrs. Costanza.
Jerry: (quietly) Hello, Mrs. Costanza.
Estelle: (not really noticing Jerry said Hello) Hello, Kramer. Close the door.
Kramer: Well, I gotta bring in more stuff. (Heads for the door)
Estelle: More stuff?!
Kramer: Yeah. (Exits)
Estelle: (To George) How much is there?!
George: (Annoyed) There's more.
Estelle: So, how are ya, Jerry?
Jerry: Fine, Mrs. Costanza. (Attempts to get Estelle to laugh) Hey, I got a terrific joke for you..
Estelle: (Sits down on the couch) Nah, not interested.
Jerry: No, no. It-It's really funny. There's these two guys-
Estelle: (Interrupting) Tell it to the audience. (George gives Jerry an 'I told you so' look) Here, (Picks up a plate full of sandwiches) I made some bologna sandwiches.
George: Bologna?! No one eats bologna anymore!
Estelle: What are you talking about?! (to Jerry) Have a sandwich.
Jerry: (setting down a box) No thanks.
Estelle: Oh, stop it! You don't want one, Kramer?
Kramer: Uhh.. no thanks. (Goes back out the door)
Estelle: I think you're all a little touched in the head. (Puts the plate down) You're so worried about your health.. You're young men.
Jerry: I really don't eat it.
Estelle: What am I gonna do with all these sandwiches?! Will you take them home? Give them to someone in your building?
Jerry: I don't know if I'd feel comfortable handing out bologna sandwiches in the building..
Kramer: (Enters with a box) Alright, that's it. Anything else?
George: (Muttering) No, that's it.
Kramer: Oh, I gotta go move the car. Alright (Leaves)
Jerry: Well, I guess we'll be going.. (Heads for the door)
George: (Runs over to him, not wanting him to leave) What? You're going?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Wha - what are you doing later?
Jerry: Oh, Elaine and I are going out to dinner with Kramer and his new girlfriend.
George: Really?
Jerry: Yeah, You can't believe this woman. She's one of those low-talkers. You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going 'excuse me?', 'what was that?'
George: Yeah.. may - maybe I'll meet ya?
Estelle: No, George. We're going out to eat tonight with your father.
George: (Mutters) Oh.. okay.. talk to you later.
Jerry: Yeah, take it easy. (Leaves)
George: Oh, my God.. (Buries his face into his hands)
[Setting: A Restaurant]
Elaine: Okay, well, he had this idea of a pizza place where you make your own pie! (Laughs)
Jerry: Right.
Eliane: You remember that?
Kramer: Yeah, well, that was a good one.
Jerry: Well..
Elaine: What's that?
Jerry: Excuse me?
Jerry: Yeah.. yeah.
Elaine: Yep. Yeah..
Kramer: You know that, uh, Leslie (Points to her) is in the clothing business? She's a designer.
Elaine: (Interested) Oh?
Kramer: In fact, she's come up with a new one that is going to be the big new look in men's fashion.. It's a, a puffy shirt. (Leslie mumbles to Kramer) Well, yeah, it - it's all puffy. Like the pirates used to wear.
Elaine: Oh, a puffy shirt.
Jerry: Puffy.
Kramer: Yeah, see, I think people want to look like pirates. You know, it's the right time for it.. to be all puffy, and devil-may-care..
Kramer: (Still laughing) That's true.. (Gets up) I'll be right back. (Walks off laughing. Jerry and Elaine are left with the low-talker. A moment passes)
Elaine: Uh, o... (Remembers something they could talk about) Jerry's going to be on the "Today" show on Friday.
Jerry: Yeah, that's right!
Elaine: Yep.. yep. Um, he's promoting a (pauses) benefit for Goodwill, you know, they, uh, they clothe the (clears her throat) poor, and the homeless..
Jerry: (Points at Elaine) And the indigent.
Elaine: And the indigent, yeah.. I, I do volunteer work for them. I-I set the whole thing up, and I got Jerry to do it.
Jerry: Sure.
Elaine: Ohh, yeah. Yeah.. yep.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
Elaine: Yep.
Jerry: Yep..
Elaine: Mmm
[Setting: A Restaurant]
Estelle: Maybe you should take a civil service test.
George: (Studying the salt shaker) I'm not taking a civil service test.
Frank: Look at this, George. (Takes a coin out of his pocket) You ever seen a silver dollar?
George: Yes, I've seen a silver dollar.
Elaine: Why don't you want to take a civil service test?
George: To do what?! Work in a post office? Is that what you want me to do?
Frank: Would you believe when I was 18, I had a ssssilver dollar collection?
Estelle: I don't understand. You get job security - you get a pay check every week..
George: I'm a college graduate. You want me to be a mailman?
Frank: (Still looking at his coin) You know, I couldn't bring myself to spend one of these. I got some kind of a-a-a-a-a phobia.
Estelle: So what are you gonna do?!
George: I don't know. I do know that I have some kind of a talent - something to offer. I just don't know what it is yet!
Frank: I bet that collection would be worth a lot of money today. (does a form of magic trick making the coin disappear as he shows George an empty hand)
George: (Looks fed up with his parents) Oh my God..
Frank: I don't like this waiter. (Holds up his hand to get the waiters attention - starts snapping) Look at him.. He sees us.. he doesn't want to come over.
George: (Needing to get away from his parents, he gets up) I need some air..
Estelle: George, where are you going?!
George: (Walks off) I got a lot of thinking to do.
George: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry.. (Bends down, and starts picking up her things)
Woman: Look at what you've done! You spilled my bag!
George: (Stuttering) I, I, I, .. here, let me - let me help you..
Woman: No, no ,no. It's all right. (Begins helping him pick her things up)
George: It - it's just that I'm here with my parents, and my mother wants me to take a civil service test - and to tell you the truth, I don't even think I'd pass it.. So..
Woman: Hmm..
George: What?
Woman: (Looking at both his hands intensely) Your hands.
George: What about them?
Woman: They're quite exquisite!
George: They are?
Woman: (Mesmerized) Extraordinary! Have you ever done any hand modeling?
George: Hand modeling? (Shakes his head 'No')
Woman: (Fishes a card out of her purse, then hands it to George) Here's my card. Why don't you, uh, give me a call? (Walks off)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: (Shrugs) I - I don't get it.
George: Me neither!
Jerry: What is it?
George: I don't know.
Jerry: They're hands!
George: This woman just set me up for a job!
Jerry: (Gets up, and displays his own hands) Well, what about my hands? I don't see how your hands are any better than my hands.
George: What, are you kidding? (Points at the flaws of Jerry's hands) The knuckles are all out of proportion. you got hair over there - where do you get off comparing your hands to my hands?! This is a one-in-a-million hand. (Points to his own hand)
Jerry: Well, that's what comes from avoiding manual labor your whole life.
George: This is it! It happened to me, Jerry! I was sitting in the restaurant, the two nut jobs were talking - I couldn't take it any more. I got up, and (Makes a noise) I bop into this woman..
Jerry: It's just like in the movies.
Kramer: Hey. (He's carrying a suit cover. He hangs it on Jerry's coat hooks)
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Hey, George! (Holds out his hand. George shakes it - a hand buzzer goes off. George starts freaking out. Kramer laughs)
George: OH!!!! What are you, crazy?! Are you, crazy?!
Kramer: What?!
George: You coulda damaged my hand!
Kramer: (Laughing) But, it's only a toy!
Jerry: (Explaining) George has become a hand model.
Kramer: A hand model?
Jerry: Yes.
Kramer: (To George) Really? Let me see your hands.
George: (Defensively) You can look at them, but do NOT touch them. (Holds them out)
Kramer: Let's see.. (studies them) oh, those are nice. You know, I've never noticed this before? They're smooth.. creamy.. delicate, yet (Turns to Jerry) masculine.
George: (Takes two oven mitts from his back pack) Alright, (puts them on) I gotta get going.
Jerry: Oven mitts?
George: (Embarrassed) That's all I could find. (A moment passes) Would you mind getting the door?
Kramer: Yeah..
Jerry: Alright. (Jerry opens the door for George)
George: Thank you very much. (Walks out)
Kramer: You're not going to believe what happening with Leslie. You know, ever since you agreed to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show, she's been getting all these orders from boutiques and department stores..
Jerry: Uh-huh.. (Finally realizes what Kramer said, he looks up) Since I said what?
Kramer: Agreed to wear the puffy shirt. (Starts unzipping the suit cover)
Jerry: What are you talking about?
Kramer: When you said that you'd agree to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show. (Takes the ridiculous puffy shirt out of the cover)
Jerry: (Goes up to it) This?
Kramer: Yea.
Jerry: I agreed to wear this?!
Kramer: Yeah, yeah.
Jerry: But, when did I do that?
Kramer: When we went to dinner the other night.
Jerry: What are you, crazy?!
Kramer: What were you talking about when I went to the bathroom?
Jerry: I don't know! I couldn't understand a word she was saying! I was just nodding!
Kramer: (makes his pop sound) There you go.
Jerry: Where I go? You mean she was asking me to wear this ridiculous shirt on national TV, and I said 'Yes'?!
Kramer: Yes, yes! You said it!
Jerry: But, I - I didn't know what she was talking about. I couldn't hear her!
Kramer: (Takes it off the hook, and starts walking toward Jerry with it. He backs defensively backs away from it) Well, she asked you.
Jerry: I - I can't wear this puffy shirt on TV! I mean, look at it! It looks ridiculous!
Kramer: Well, you gotta wear it now! All those stores are stocking it based on the condition that you're gonna wear this on the TV show! The factory in New Jersey is already makin' em.
Jerry: They're making these?
Kramer: Yes, yes. This pirate trend that she's come up with, Jerry, this-this is gonna be the new look for the 90's. You're gonna be the first pirate!
Jerry: (Like a little kid) But, I don't want to be a pirate!
[Setting: The Costanza house]
Estelle: I knew it. I knew it.. I always knew you always had beautiful hands. I used to tell people. Frank, didn't I use to talk about his hands?
Frank: (Looking up from his paper) Who the hell did'ya ever mention his hands to?
Estelle: (Getting annoyed) I mentioned his hands to plenty of people!
Frank: You never mentioned them to me!
George: (Snaps, then points to the coffee table) Hand me an Emory board.
Estelle: I always talk about your hands - how they're so soft and milky white..
Frank: No! You never said milky white!
Estelle: (Getting angry) I said milky white!
George: (To Estelle) Scissor. (She gets the scissors from the coffee table and hands them to George with the point facing him) Don't hand them to me with the point facing out!
Estelle: I'm sorry.
George: You're sorry?!
Estelle: (Apologizing) I'll try to be more careful.
George: (Stern, angered) I hope so. (Takes the scissors)
Estelle: Georgie.. (Nudges George's arm, disrupting his work with the scissors) Oh, Georgie, would you like some Jell-O?
Frank: (To Estelle, referring to the Jell-O) Why'd you put the bananas in there?!
Estelle: (Yelling) George likes the bananas!
Frank: (Trying to match her tone) So let him have bananas on the side!
George: Alright! Please, please! I cannot have this constant bickering!.. Stress is very damaging to the epidermis! Now, I have an important photo session in the morning - my hands have got to be in tip-top shape, so please - keep the television down, and the conversation to a minimum.
Estelle: (Meek) But Georgie.. what about the Jell-O?
George: (Definite) I'll take it in my room. (Walks off)
[Setting: A Today Show dressing room]
Kramer: Yeah, come in.
Stagehand: I just wanted to let you know he's got about five minutes.
Kramer: Giddy-Up. (Stagehand leaves) Jerry! Five minutes!
Kramer: Now that's a great looking shirt! (Gets up, admiring the shirt) Aye Captain! (Growls like a pirate) Yeah! I'm glad I ironed it. It's perfect. (Walks around Jerry, inspecting the shirt) Look at it! It's fantastic!
Jerry: (Resisting) Kramer, how am I gonna wear this?! I-I can't wear this!
Kramer: (Reassuring) Hey, this look's better than anything you own. You know, in two months time, everybody's gonna be wearing the (imitates a pirate) pirate look!
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: Hi, Kramer. Guess what - I just saw Bryant Gumbel, he said he might help out at the benefit!
Kramer: Great.
Elaine: (Between laughs) What is that?!
Kramer: It's the puffy shirt. Look at it, eh? Whatd'ya think? Is it cool or what?
Elaine: (To Jerry) Why're you wearing that now?
Jerry: (Obviously mad at the situation he's in) 'Why am I wearing is now?? I'll tell you why I'm wearing it now - because the lowtalker asked me to, that's why! And I said 'yes'. Do you know why? Because I couldn't HEAR her!
Elaine: When did she, (Snickers) when did she ask you this?
Jerry: When we were at dinner, when Kramer went to the bathroom.
Elaine: I didn't hear anything.
Jerry: (Yelling out) Of course not! Nobody hears anything when this woman speaks!
Elaine: (Just now making the matter serious) Well, you can't wear that on the show.
Kramer: (To Elaine, muffled, low, and threatening) Elaine, you want to stop?
Elaine: (Turning around to Kramer) Wha- What? No. (Back to Jerry) Jerry, you are promoting a benefit to CLOTHE homeless people. You can't come out dressed like that! You're all puffed up!.. You look like the Count of Monte Cristo!
Jerry: (Arms out, complaining) I have to wear it! The woman has orders for this shirt based on me wearing it on TV.. they're producing them as we speak!
Elaine: (Arguing) Yeah, but you're supposed to be a compassionate person! That cares about poor people! You look like you're gonna.. swing in on a chandelier!
Stagehand: (Looking down at a clipboard, enters) Okay, let's go. (Looks up, points at Jerry's puffy shirt) Is that what you're wearing?
[Setting: A photographer's studio]
Man: I've never seen hands like these before..
Woman: They're so soft and milky white.
Photographer: You know who's hands they remind me of? (Pauses for effect) Ray McKigney.
Man: Ugh.. Ray.
Photographer: He was it.
George: Who was he?
Photographer: The most exquisite hands you've ever seen.. Oh, he had it all.
George: (Hands still out, even though they've stopped looking at them) What happened to him?
Man: (Clears throat) Tragic story, I'm afraid. He could've had any woman in the world.. but none could match the beauty of his own hand.. and that became his one true love..
George: You mean, uh..?
Man: Yes. he was not.. master of his domain.
George: (Makes a gesture saying he understands. The man nods) But how.. uh..?
Man: (Quick, to the point) The muscles.. became so strained with.. overuse, that eventually the hand locked into a deformed position, and he was left with nothing but a claw. (Holds hand up, displaying a claw-like shape) He traveled the world seeking a cure.. acupuncturists.. herbalists.. swamis.. nothing helped. Towards the end, his hands became so frozen the was unable to manipulate utensils, (Visibly disgusted by this last part) and was dependent on Cub Scouts to feed him. I hadn't seen another pair of hands like Ray McKigney's until today. You are his successor. (George looks down at his hands) I uh only hope you have a little more self-control.
George: (Smiling to himself) You don't have to worry about me. (Nodding, gloating) I won a contest.
Photographer: Ok, let's get to work.
[Setting: The Today Show]
Bryant: (Talking directly to the camera) Back now, 746. On Tuesday the 19th here in New York there will be a benefit for the Goodwill Industries - a used clothing organization that provides services to the needy. One of the performers will be comedian Jerry Seinfeld. (Turns to face Jerry) Jerry, good morning.
Jerry: (Mumbling out) Thank you, Bryant.
Bryant: (Pointing out) And speaking of clothing, that is a very, very unusual shirt you have on.
Jerry: (Looking down at the shirt; mumbling) Oh, thank you.
Bryant: You're all kinda, (Waves his hands around) kinda "puffed up". (Chuckles)
Jerry: Yeah, it's a puffy shirt.
Bryant: (Laughing) You look kinda like a pirate.
Jerry: (Nervous laughter) Yeah.. like a pirate.. (Attempting to get on another subject) Anyway, ah, you know, we're hoping to, um, raise enough money.. with this.. uh..
Bryant: (Rudely interrupting, still snickering at the shirt) You.. ah, look, I'm sorry, it is just a VERY unusual shirt. It could be kind of a whole new look for you.. you know, you could put a patch over an eye, you could be kind of like the pirate-comedian.
Jerry: Uh-huh, yeah. (Smiling, nodding, clearly wanting Bryant to shut up)
Bryant: Are you going to be wearing the shirt at the concert?
Jerry: (Losing it, mad) Look, it's not my shirt.
Bryant: (Confused) Whose shirt is it?
Jerry: What's the difference? I agreed to wear it. It's - it's a puffy shirt. I feel ridiculous in it, and I think it's the stupidest shirt I've ever seen, to be perfectly honest with you. (Nodding)
Leslie: (Off camera, shrill, high pitched yelling) You bastard!
Bryant: (To Jerry) Did you hear that?
Jerry: (Pointing off screen, nodding) THAT I heard.
[Setting: Photographer's studio]
Photographer: (Instructing George) Alright, a little to the left.. Little higher, little higher. Good. Perfect! Perfect.
George: Like that?
Photographer: Just like that. Hold it. (Takes picture) Good, ok, let me get just one more, one more. (Takes another picture) Good, that's it. You're done.
George: That's it?
Photographer: (Smiling) That's it.
Man: (Pulling a slip of paper out of his coat pocket) And here's your check. (George accepts) Thank you very much. (Pats him on the back) It was an honor.
Woman: It was great working with you. (Somewhat coy) Your hands are beautiful.
George: (Modest) Oh, thank you very much. (Chuckles)
Woman: You know, I was wondering - if you're not doing anything later, maybe you'd like to get together..?
[Setting: Park]
[Setting: Today Show dressing room]
Leslie: You ruined me! You ruined my career!
Jerry: Oh, just keep your voice down. Everyone can hear you.
Leslie: (Shouting out) Oh, I don't give a damn!
Jerry: (Reasoning) You know, if you talked this loud to begin with, I wouldn't be in this costume in the first place!
George: (Quick, excited talking) Hey, hey! You can't believe this. Look at this check! (Hands it to Jerry) They told me I had the most beautiful hands they'd ever seen in their lives - except for this McKigney guy - this great looking girl gave me her phone number.. I got it! I got it all! I'm busting. Jerry, I'm busting!
Elaine: Hey, I've never noticed your hands before. Let me see.
George: Alright. (Holds them up)
Elaine: (Obviously not impressed, dull) Yeah, real nice.
George: (Turning back to Jerry, he takes the check back. He just now notices the shirt Jerry's wearing, and snickers, pointing) Nice shirt.. (Laughs, Jerry shrugs) What is this? Is this what you wore on the show?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: What, have you completely lost your mind?
Kramer: (Faint, trying to shut George up) Hey..
George: Who's dressing you? (Laughs) You look like a complete idiot! You know, I wouldn't wipe my- (Unable to take anymore, Leslie gets up and shoves George violently. His hands go straight for the hot iron sitting on the dressing room table. George screams out in agony) AAHHHH!!!!! (his voice is heard outside the building, on the street, and in the park were a bunch of pigeons are scared by the yelling)
[Setting: A Restaurant]
Elaine: You ready?
George: Ow! Hot! Hot!
Elaine: (Sincere) I'm sorry.
George: (Reflecting on his life gone wrong) This McKigney guy had a few good years.. (To Kramer, bitter) How could you forget to turn off an iron?
Kramer: Well, I was excited because Jerry was putting on the puffy shirt.
George: My whole life is ruined because of the (Mocking, bitter tone) "puffy shirt".
Jerry: (Pointing out) It didn't do me any good either! That benefit was the worst show I ever did. Some of those heckles were really uncalled for "Avast ye matey" - what the hell does that mean?! "20 degrees off the starboard side - the Spanish Galleon!" - there's no comeback for that!
Elaine: (Reflecting) Well, it got me fired from the benefit committee.
Kramer: You know all those stores canceled out on her? She's finished. (Concluding) We're (Leslie and him) finished.
Jerry: Really? What happened?
Kramer: (Showing pure irony) I just can't be with someone who's life is in complete disarray.
Jerry: What happened with all the shirts?
Kramer: They gave them all to Goodwill.
Homeless Man: Ahh, can you spare a little change for an old buccaneer?
Jerry: (While digging in his pocket for some money, he looks over the shirts one last time) You know, it's really not a bad looking shirt..


Elaine: Do you ever spit on anybody from here?
Jerry: No. You?
Elaine: No. Do you ever think about it?
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: Me too.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Well I got it!
Jerry: You got me the air conditioner?
Kramer: What do you think?
Jerry: Beautiful!
Elaine: What air conditioner?
Kramer: Well my buddy works in an appliance store and he got us thirty percent off.
Jerry: Is it a good one?
Kramer: Good one? It's the Commando 8.
Jerry: Commando 8?
Kramer: 12,000 BTU's.
Elaine: I thought you hated air conditioning. You've never had an air conditioner.
Kramer: Yeah, but Amy likes air conditioning.
Elaine: Oooh, you're getting an air conditioner for Amy. (In a wining voice) Amy doesn't like the temperature up here. She's a little hoooot.
Jerry: All right.
Kramer: Okay, so, I'm gonna measure the window up, okay buddy?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: Yeah. (George enters the apartment wearing goggles) Yeah, rock on!
George: I gotta get out of this city.
Jerry: So you're tunneling to the center of the Earth? (Elaine laughs silently)
George: I'm at the health club and while I'm in the pool, some guy walks off with my glasses. Who steals prescription glasses?
Elaine: You don't have an old pair?
George: I broke 'em playing basketball.
Jerry: He was running from a bee. (Elaine laughs)
George: Now if I wanna see anything I gotta wear these.
Elaine: George, those are prescription goggles? What is there to see in a health club pool?
Jerry: There's a lot of change down there.
George: When I find that guy, this much I vow those glasses will be returned to their rightful owner.
Jerry: We're behind you, Aquaboy. Godspeed!
George: What kind of a sick, demented person wants another person's glasses?
Elaine: Yeah, especially those frames.
Kramer: You know what you ought to do? Go see my friend Dwayne at J & T Optical on Columbus Avenue. He'll give you thirty percent off.
George: Yeah, come on.
Jerry: Hey, he just got me thirty percent off on an air conditioner.
George: Really?
Kramer: Retail is for suckers.
George: Wow. Uh, what do I have to do?
Kramer: You just gotta mention my name.
George: That's it?
Kramer: That's it. (smacks George on the forehead with a ruler)
George: What about these?
Elaine: They look good. I liked the other one too. I've liked about five of them.
George: Well, it's a tough decision. I have to wear these every day. I'm deciding on a new face.
Jerry: (bored) Come on, George. Pick a face and go with it.
Elaine: Now those look good, they're very bold.
George: Yes, they are bold. Jerry, what do you think?
Jerry: (While looking at posters of women wearing glasses) I think these women would be pretty good looking if they weren't wearing glasses.
Elaine: Hi there, little doggy. (to owner) Do you mind if I pet your dog?
Dog Owner: It's okay with me.
Elaine: Hey little doggy. (Elaine pets the dog and he bites her) Aaah!
Dwayne: Hey, you can't have that dog in here.
Jerry: Are you okay? Did he bite ya?
George: Can you believe that guy?
Elaine: I'm okay, it's just a nip.
George: He just walked away! And once again I'm standing here like a little man. Well not this time! (George leaves the store and follows the dog owner) You! Dog man!
Elaine: My leg looks pretty bad.
Jerry: Oh I'm gonna take you over to the emergency room.
Elaine: Okay.
Jerry: (To George) Hey, any luck? Did you catch 'em?
George: Uuh, no, no.
Jerry: All right, I'm gonna take Elaine over to the hospital.
George: (In a really strange way) Good, good, do that.
Jerry: What's the matter?
George: Oh, no, nothing.
Jerry: What is it?
George: I can't tell you.
Elaine: (pulling on Jerry's pants from the ground) Jerry, can we go?
Jerry: Yeah, yeah, in a second, in a second. (And to George) What do you mean you can't tell me?
George: I can't tell you, don't ask.
Jerry: I'm asking!
Elaine: Jerry, my leg.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah, take care of it. (Jerry throws her some toilet paper) Come on, George, what is it?
George: I saw Amy making out with your cousin Jeffrey.
Jerry: What?
George: They were right outside!
Jerry: Amy and Jeffrey?
George: Yes!
Jerry: Are you sure?
George: Yes, positive.
Jerry: But you can't see, there's no lenses in those frames.
George: I know! I was squinting.
Elaine: Okay, listen, Jerry, you just catch up with me okay? You can just follow the trail of blood.
Jerry: We're gonna have to talk about this later. (Elaine holds the door open for Jerry while holding her leg) Thank you. Taxi!
George: (To the store owner) Excuse me, what do you think of these?
Dwayne: Oh, we just got those in. It's a very exciting new frame.
George: Yes, it is exciting! All right, this is gonna be my new face.
Dwayne: All right, do you have a prescription?
George: Yeah. (George hands over the prescription) Kramer...
Dwayne: What?
George: Kramer...
Dwayne: What about him?
George: You do know Kramer?
Dwayne: Yes...
George: Well, I'm mentioning his name.
Dwayne: Why?
George: Because... you know...
Dwayne: No, I don't know. Look, I'm gonna need a deposit on these.
Elaine: Oh, come on. Cousin Jeffrey? It's not possible!
Jerry: Why not? They could have met. She loves the park, he works for the Parks Department.
Elaine: Jerry, that is so ridiculous. But, George didn't even have his glasses on!
Jerry: But he was squinting.
Elaine: So what? Squinting doesn't make that much of a difference.
Jerry: Are you kidding? I've seen 'em squint. He can squint his way down to like twenty, thirty vision. Once we were driving down from the Catskills and he lost his glasses. He squinted his way from Wortsborough down to the Tappan Zee Bridge! He was spotting raccoons, on the road!
Docter: Okay.
Elaine: Okay? That's it? I don't need a shot?
Docter: Not shot, dog bite.
Elaine: No, no, no. I know I wasn't shot. Do I need a shot?
Docter: Not shot, dog bite. Woof woof, not bang bang.
Jerry: Nah, look at this. Cable's out.
Amy: Oh that's okay, we don't have to watch tv.
Jerry: No, no, no. No trouble at all, it's a principal the thing. (Jerry picks up the phone and dials the number) I like them to know that I know what's going on. That they're not... getting away with anything. Oh, I'm on hold. So, what did you do yesterday?
Amy: Yesterday?
Jerry: Yeah, you remember yesterday? Beautiful day... good day to be... out.
Amy: I didn't do anything.
Jerry: (laughing) Oh you must have done something.
Amy: No, nothing really.
Jerry: Didn't go out of the house? Didn't take a walk... on Columbus Avenue?
Amy: Well, I did go out for a little while.
Jerry: Well, your day's getting more interesting already. (Jerry shows the phone) Ah, see, told me they'd be back in a minute and THEY lied.
Amy: You can't thrust anyone.
Jerry: No you can't. (hangs up the phone) Now let's cut the ball, sister! You think I don't know about you swapping spit with somebody yesterday on Columbus Avenue?
Amy: What are you talking about?
Jerry: Look, my friend saw you.
Amy: Saw me? With who?
Jerry: You tell me.
Amy: There's nothing to tell.
Jerry: There isn't?
Amy: No.
Jerry: Oh... all right... wanna get some pizza?
Amy: I had a feeling this was to good to be true.
Jerry: Why?
Amy: I knew there had to be another side to you.
Jerry: No, no, there's no side!
Amy: There is a side, an ugly side.
Jerry: No, no, no ugly side.
Amy: Look, I think I'm gonna go.
Jerry: Why?
Amy: It's really hot in here.
Jerry: Uuh, so we can still go out on Friday though?
Amy: Yeah. When you getting an air conditioner?
Jerry: It's coming! It's a Commando 8! 12.000 BTU's! It's gonna be like a meat locker in here.
Jerry: I was an idiot for listening to you!
George: Hey, I saw what I saw.
Jerry: Ooh, everything was going so well. She hadn't seen any flaws in me. Now she sees a side.
George: What side?
Jerry: A bad side, an ugly side.
George: Ooh, so what?
Jerry: So what? I wasn't planning on showing that side for another six months. Now you make me throw off the whole learning curve.
George: Why don't you just ask Jeffrey?
Jerry: Ah, he'd just deny it.
George: There must be some way to find out.
Jerry: Amy said nothing happened.
George: What, you're gonna take her word over mine? I'm your best friend!
Jerry: Yeah, but you're blind as a bat!
George: I was squinting! Remember that drive from Wortsborough? (snapping his fingers) I was spotting those raccoons.
Jerry: They were mailboxes, you idiot. I didn't have the heart to tell you.
George: (noticing something) Hey look, a dime.
George: Heh, Mercury head. You mind?
Jerry: (Stunned) No, keep it. (Elaine enters the apartment) Hey what happened to you? You buzzed five minutes ago.
Elaine: There was a dog in front of the building and it spooked me. I couldn't come in until he left.
Jerry: A little white dog?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: Snowball? You were afraid of Snowball?
Elaine: I'm afraid of dogs now.
Jerry: He's like a squirrel.
Elaine: Well he frightened me.
George: Did you get the shot?
Elaine: No. He said I didn't need a shot.
George: You got bit by a strange dog and you didn't get a rabies shot?
Elaine: What, you think I should have?
Jerry: You know, you should just go back to the optical store and ask Dwayne if he knows the name of the owner of the dog.
Elaine: All right, that's a good idea. I'm gonna do that.
Kramer: The AC is on it's way.
George: Pardon me, I went to see your friend Dwayne... there was no discount.
Kramer: What?
George: That's right, no discount!
Kramer: Well did you mention my name?
George: Yes, I mentioned your name.
Kramer: And?
George: Pbbbs, Bubkis!
Kramer: Now I don't believe this. That guy owes me big time. I got him off sugar! Look, I'm gonna go down there with you right now.
George: All right, let me just... I'm gonna grap an apple.
Jerry: Hey, Kramer, Elaine's afraid of Snowball!
Kramer: Little Snowball? He runs on batteries!
Elaine: You know, George, that's an onion.
George: Yes it is.
Elaine: He couldn't tell an apple from an union and he's your eye witness?
George: I saw them making out, you can believe it.
Jerry: I don't know what to believe! You're eating unions, you're spotting dimes, I don't know what the hell is going on.
Kramer: Look, all you gotta to do, is get Amy and Jeffrey together somewhere, that's it.
Jerry: Hey wait a second, wait a second. I'm going over to Jeffrey's apartment tomorrow night to pick up these Paul Simon tickets. I'm gonna surprise Amy. All I gotta do is bring her with me. And then when Jeffrey opens the door, it's Howdy Doody time.
Kramer: Right this way, mister Doody!
George: (crying from the onion) You'll see I'm right.
Kramer: Hey, Dwayny.
Dwayne: Oh hello Kramer.
Kramer: What is going on here?
Dwayne: What are you talking about?
Kramer: I'm talking about the thirty percent discount.
Elaine: Uhm excuse me... uh... a man came in here...
George: Elaine, don't interrupt, they're discounting something.
Dwayne: Who said anything about a discount.
Kramer: Ooh, how quickly we forget. You owe me buddy.
Dwayne: For what?
Kramer: Remember this?
Dwayne: What are you doing?
Kramer: Six months ago you were eating four of those for breakfast and chasing it with a ring ding. And two butter fingers on the train. Sounds familiar?
Dwayne: Put that away!
Kramer: Remember that night I found you at Dinky Donuts? You were all *hopped* up on cinnamon swirls! They wouldn't serve you anymore! You wouldn't even have any teeth if it wasn't for me taking you over to Joe's fruit stand and stuffin' cantaloupe down your throat! So much for gratitude... yeah, yeah, yeah!
Dwayne: All right, all right, all right! I'll give him the discount, just put that thing away! This squares us.
Elaine: Can I just have the name...
Dwayne: Out!
Kramer: We'll see you Dwayne.
Jerry: I don't know what to tell you, Elton.
Elaine: (While reading a book) Oh oh, listen to this, this is not good, listen to these symptoms for rabies anxiety, irritability. I got those, I'm irritable!
Jerry: (To George) Who picked these out?
George: I did!
Jerry: They're ladies' glasses! You know all you need is that little chain around your neck so you can wear 'em while you're playing Canasta.
George: Well Elaine was supposed to help me.
Elaine: Hey! I got bit by a dog! I had to go to the hospital! I was bleeding to death! I can't solve every little problem you have!
Jerry: Hey, hey.
Elaine: I'm sorry... sorry.
Kramer: Commando 8 has arrived!
Jerry: Take it to the window.
Kramer: 12.000 BTU's of raw cooling power. (Kramer places the air conditioner in the window) Installed!
George: That's it? You don't have to screw it in or anything?
Kramer: No, just plug it in and the Commando 8 does the rest. (And to Jerry) I'll seal that up later, right?
Jerry: Just in time for Amy.
George: Oh yeah, when are you gonna execute that plan?
Elaine: I've got such a headache. Oh, that's another symptom!
Kramer: Of what?
Jerry: Rabies.
Kramer: Oh that's fatal, you don't want that!
Elaine: I know I don't want it! I don't need you to tell me what I don't want, you stupid hipster dufus!
Jerry: Hey, hey, what is this? What's going on here?
Elaine: I'm sorry, Kramer, I'm sorry.
Kramer: No, no, it's all right. I had a friend who had rabies once. (George's eating chips) May I have one of those, madam?
George: Madam? What are you calling me madam for?
Kramer: They're ladies' glasses.
Kramer: Now look here, see it's right here Gloria Vanderbilt Collection.
George: He sold me ladies' glasses!
Elaine: I... I think I'm... I'm having trouble swallowing. I can't... I can't swallow.
Kramer: She's got rabies, just like my friend Bob Sacamano. She's delirious. (Elaine drinks some water and drools) She's foaming at the mouth!
Elaine: Is this gonna hurt?
Docter: Yes, very much.
Elaine: What if Jeffrey's not home. Did you ever think of that?
Jerry: Oh he'll be home, it's Friday night. That's the big night on the Nature Channel.
Elaine: Let me tell you this there is no way cousin Jeffrey is dating Amy. He looks like a horse!
Jerry: He does look like a horse.
Elaine: Yeah, he's got a real horse face. (Elaine, while looking out the window) Here, look at this! It's the guy with the dog! (She opens the window and screams) Hey! Hey! You down there! Remember me? I had to get shot because of your stupid dog!
Dog Owner: Hey who are you calling stupid?
Jerry: Hey, shall we spit on him?
Elaine: No no no no, come on, let's go downstairs.
Kramer: (Singing) Oh myyyy papayaaaa. (The air conditioner wobbles) The air conditioner! (Kramer tries to keep it from falling by holding it's cord, but it snaps) I think it got the dog!
George: Ah, Oh boy.
Blind Man: Excuse me, uh I'm new here, would you mind walking me back to my locker?
George: Oh uuh, sure, why not. (the blind man hangs on to George's arm) Hey, that's the guy.
Blind Man: What guy?
George: The guy that stole my glasses. This time I got 'em! (George follows the man onto the street, dragging the blind man with him) Would you pick it up a little?
Blind Man: Where the hell are we going?
George: He's getting on a bus, damn! (To the blind man) Those are nice glasses.
Blind Man: I don't like 'em, they pinch my nose.
George: Is that right?
George: Dwayne, my friend and I would like to exchange frames. Could you put his lenses in my frames and mine in his?
Dwayne: (While eating a candy bar) Yeah, we can do that.
George: And I'd like a discount.
Dwayne: Why should I give you a discount.
George: Listen, you're lucking I'm not asking for a whole refund. (trying to speak quietly) You gave me ladies' frames!
Blind Man: What's that about ladies' frames?
Dog Owner: I'm trying to track down that lady that was in here the other day, the one that was messing with my dog.
George: Yeah, well, she's trying to track you down.
Dog Owner: Well I would love to talk with her. (George chuckles) She lives on 81st Street, right?
George: No, that's Jerry.
Dog Owner: Really? You wouldn't happen to know what apartment he's in, would you?
George: Yeah, 5A!
Dog Owner: Thanks a lot!
Amy: So what are we doing here?
Jerry: Oh, you'll find out.
Amy: I don't know, you're acting very mysteriously.
Jerry: Well, I'm very mysterious by nature. (Jerry knocks on the door) A lot of women find that attractive.
Amy: I find it annoying.
Jerry: Oh?
Uncle Leo: Helloooo!
Jerry: Uncle Leo?!
Uncle Leo: Come on in.
Jerry: This is Amy.
Uncle Leo: Hello Amy.
Jerry: Unlce Leo, what are you doing here?
Uncle Leo: Jeffrey went out tonight.
Jerry: Ooh! Very convenient.
Uncle Leo: I'm supposed to tape this nature show for him, he loves nature. Botany, zoology. You know his botany teacher from college stays in close touch with him? They became friends!
Jerry: Oh really?
Uncle Leo: That's pretty rare! I mean, actual friends! Like equals! They have dinner together, they have discussions...
Jerry: Uncle Leo! Did he leave any tickets here for me?
Uncle Leo: Oh yeah yeah, I'll get 'em.
Jerry: Thank you.
Amy: What tickets?
Jerry: To the Paul Simon concert in the park!
Amy: We're going to the Paul Simon concert?
Jerry: That's right, lady!
Amy: Oh what a great surprise!
Jerry: I thought you'd like that.
Amy: Oooh, so that's why you've been acting so mysteriously.
Jerry: Now you know. That, and that alone, is the reason.
Uncle Leo: You know Jeffrey's favorite animal the leopard.
Amy: Why is that?
Uncle Leo: He likes the spots. Oh uh, here's the tickets.
Jerry: Thank you.
Uncle Leo: Oh uh, he asked me to give you a message. He said that uh he's very sorry and uh he hopes you'll forgive 'em.
Jerry: (To Amy) Aha! So it's true! You were making out with him!
Amy: What are you talking about, I don't know Jeffrey. Oh so this is why you brought me up here?
Jerry: Oh very convincing, but it's not gonna work this time.
Uncle Leo: What are you talking about? All he meant was that he was sorry that the seats aren't very good.
Jerry: Oh... oh... wanna get some pizza?
George: Boy, these really do pinch the nose.
Blind Man: Tough luck! A deal's a deal.
George: Oh my God it is them.
Jerry: I still don't know how you spotted that dime. I think you planted it. Plus I had to pay that vet bill for the stupid dog. I don't know how that guy got my name.
George: Yeah. Hmm. Boy these really do pinch. I tell you, if I ever find the son of a bitch that stole my glasses...


Jerry: So, does he like you?
Elaine: What do you think?
Jerry: You like him?
Elaine: Yeah, yeah like him, definitely like him. I like him a lot.
George: So, what's wrong with him?
Elaine: Nothing, and I've looked.
George: Well, I'm sure you'll find something.
Jerry: So, how did you meet him?
Elaine: In the office.
Jerry: So, he's a writer.
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: Yeah, big surprise.
Elaine: So, I was sitting at the reception desk, I was looking pretty hot. I was wearing my sling back pumps.
George: What are those?
Elaine: Ask your mother, (making fun of George's living situation) you live with her now, don't you? Anyway, so then this guy comes up to me and starts feeling my jacket through his thumb and his forefinger like this.
Jerry: So, what did you do?
Elaine: I said "So, what do you think?". And he said, "Gabardine?". And I said, "Yeah." That was it.
George: Wow, just felt your material?
Elaine: Yeah...Jake Jarmel.
George: Sounds like a cool guy.
Jerry: Sounds like a jerk. Felt your material, come on.
George: Jerry, where did you get that sweater?
Jerry: Oh, what do you think? I found it at the back of my closet.
George: I think that's what the back of closets are for.
Elaine: Hey, that's Barry. Look it's Barry. (taps on the window)
Jerry: (taps on the window) Hey...
Elaine: Hi.
George: Who's that?
Jerry: That's Barry Prophet, he's our accountant.
George: I don't know how you can let this guy handle all your money.
Elaine: Oh, he doesn't handle my money, he handles Jerry's money. He just does my taxes.
Jerry: Hey Barry, how you doing?
Barry: Hey, how are you?
Jerry: This is my friend George.
Barry: Hi George. (shakes George's hand)
Elaine: Hi, what are you doing on this neighborhood?
Barry: Nothing really. (sniffs; looks around) You, eh, you eat here?
Jerry: Yeah, so how's my money?
Barry: Well it's still green. (sniffs twice)
Jerry: What, you got a cold?
Barry: No, no.
Elaine: Wow, look at that ring.
Barry: (showing off the ring to Elaine) Oh, uh you like that? (Elaine not amused gives Barry a polite laugh; Barry sniffs) Say uh, where's the bathroom?
Jerry: Bathroom uh, bathroom's uh right over there.
Barry: (turns looking in the direction Jerry mentioned) Oh, great.
Jerry: Did you see that?
Elaine: See what?
George: Yes, I saw that.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: What was all that sniffing?
Elaine: I don't know.
Jerry: You don't think...?
Elaine: Oh, no! Come on Jerry.
George: He was definitely sniffing.
Jerry: I mean what if, what if, this this guy has got all my money. Plus he has got some Kramer's money with him. This guy could write checks to himself right out of my account.
Elaine: No, I have known this guy since college. He doesn't do drugs.
Jerry: Then, what was all that sniffing?
Elaine: Maybe it's the cold weather.
Jerry: Today's not cold.
George: All right, I gotta get going. My parents are expecting me.
Elaine: (making fun of George as he leaves) Don't forget to wash your hands before supper.
Frank: Why do you need all that ketchup for?
George: This is my ketchup. I bought this ketchup just so I could have as much as I want.
Frank: So I, I talked to Phil Casacof today.
Estelle: Phil Casacof?
Frank: Yeah, you know my friend, the bra salesman. He says they are looking maybe to put somebody on so I got you an interview next Friday with his boss.
George: Next Friday, what time?
Frank: 2 o'clock.
George: That's my whole afternoon! I was going to look for sneakers.
Frank: You can look for sneakers the next day!
Estelle: He doesn't know anything about bras.
George: I know a little. Besides, what do you have to know?
Frank: Well, it wouldn't hurt to go in the and be able to discuss it intelligently. Maybe you should take a look at a few bras? (to Estelle) Where is you bra? Give him a bra to look.
Estelle: I am not giving him a bra.
Frank: Why not?
Estelle: Because I don't need him looking at my bra.
Frank: Why, so he'll go to the interview and he wouldn't know what he's talking about!?!
George: Do we have to...?
Frank: You don't even know what they're made from.
George: They are made from lycra-spandex.
Frank: Get out of here! Lycra-spandex?
Estelle: I think they are made from lycra-spandex.
Frank: Wanna bet? How much you wanna bet?
Estelle: I'm not betting!
Frank: Take a look.
Estelle: All right, I'll get a bra.
Frank: (Yelling to Estelle as she leaves)I don't know what the big problem is getting a bra?!
George: She doesn't want to get a bra.
Frank: I'm not saying go to the library and read the whole history, but it wouldn't kill you to know a little bit about it.
George: All right, it wouldn't kill me.
Frank: How long it takes to find a bra? What's going on in there? You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds...you know about the uh cup sizes and all? They have different cups.
George: Yea I-I know about the cups.
Frank: You got the A, the B, the C and the D. That's the biggest.
George: I know the D is the biggest. I've based my whole life on knowing that the D is the biggest.
Estelle: Here, here's the bra.
Frank: Let me see it.
Estelle: (reading the bra) 100% lycra-spandex.
Frank: Let me see it.
Estelle: I told you. Here, think you know everything?
Frank: Hmm, that's surprising. All right, what else? You got the cups in the front, two loops in the back. All right, a guess that's about it.
George: I got it. Cups in the front, loops in the back. (puts the bra on the table)
Estelle: You got ketchup on it!
Kramer: Sniffing, what do you mean sniffing?
Jerry: Sniffing, with his nose.
Kramer: Jerry, he probably had a cold.
Jerry: No, I asked him.
Kramer: So, what are you saying?
Jerry: I don't know, you know, what if...?
Kramer: Drugs? You think he's on drugs?
Jerry: I don't know.
Kramer: Jerry
Jerry: All I know he was sniffing.
Kramer: Listen, we went in on a CD together.
Jerry: I know.
Kramer: And Newman gave you money too. So, I didn't even meet this guy. You know, we trusted you.
Jerry: Look, it doesn't necessarily mean anything yet, it just means he was sniffing.
Kramer: Well, what else? Was he nervous? Did he use a lot of slang? Did he use the word 'man'?
Jerry: No, he didn't use 'man'.
Kramer: I mean when he was leaving did he say "I'm splittin'"?
Jerry: No, but in one point he did use the bathroom.
Kramer: Whoh!
Jerry: Do you think that's a bad sign?
Kramer: Yes!! Yes, that's what they do! They live in the bathroom! All right, what are we going to do? We are going to get our money back, right?
Jerry: I don't know. (takes off his sweater) This sweater really itches me. You want it?
Kramer: (grabbing the sweater) Yeah.
Elaine: Hello... hello, oh...
Jake: Well, you notice anything?
Elaine: You have cleaned out the whole apartment and you're making dinner. You're perfect, you're a perfect man.
Jake: Ooh...
Elaine: Did anyone call?
Jake: You got a few messages, I wrote them down.
Elaine: Where are they?
Jake: Lets see, they are (looking for the paper; finds it; hands it to Elaine) here they are.
Elaine: Thank you. (looking at the messages) Oh ya, heh, I'll call you back. Ooh, Myra had the baby! Oh, my God that's wonderful! Who called?
Jake: She did.
Elaine: She did? Oh, that's so great!
Jake: Where do you keep the corkscrew?
Elaine: In the drawer on the right. Hmm...
Jake: What?
Elaine: Nah it's nothing.
Jake: What is it?
Elaine: It's nothing.
Jake: Tell me.
Elaine: Well, I was just curious why you didn't use an exclamation point?
Jake: What are you talking about?
Elaine: See, right here you wrote "Myra had the baby", but you didn't use an exclamation point.
Jake: So?
Elaine: So, it's ya nothing. Forget it, forget it, I just find it curious.
Jake: What's so curious about it?
Elaine: Well, I mean if one of your close friends had a baby and I left you a message about it, I would use an exclamation point.
Jake: Well, maybe I don't use my exclamation points as haphazardly as you do.
Elaine: You don't think that someone having a baby warrants an exclamation point.
Jake: Hey look, I just chalked down the message. I didn't know I was required to capture the mood of each caller.
Elaine: I just thought you would be a little more excited about a friend of mine having a baby.
Jake: Ok, I'm excited. I just don't happen to like exclamation points.
Elaine: Well, you know Jake, you should learn to use them. Like the way I'm talking right now, I would put an exclamation points at the end of all these sentences! On this one! And on that one!
Jake: Well, you can put one on this one I'm leaving!
Jerry: You're out of your mind you know that.
Elaine: Why?
Jerry: It's an exclamation point! It's a line with a dot under it.
Elaine: Well, I felt a call for one.
Jerry: A call for one, you know I thought I've heard everything. I've never heard a relationship being affected by a punctuation.
Elaine: I found it very troubling that he didn't use one.
Jerry: George was right. Didn't take you long.
Kramer: Anything new with that guy on drugs?
Elaine: Oh, he's not on drugs.
Kramer: Then why the sniffing? Who walks around (sniff, sniff) sniffing?
Elaine: All right, here, you call him right now. See if he's sniffing right now.
Jerry: Good idea. (Jerry calls Barry's office)
Voice On The Phone: Prophet and Goldstein.
Jerry: Yes, I'd like to speak to Barry Prophet, please.
Voice: I'm sorry he's out of town this week.
Jerry: Out of town?
Voice: Yes, he went to South America.
Jerry: South America?
Kramer: South America?
Jerry: I'll call back, thank you. (hangs up the phone) He went to South America!
Kramer: Yyyeeaaah!!
Elaine: So what?
Jerry: Who goes to South America?
Elaine: People go to South America.
Jerry: Yeah, and they come back with things taped to they're large intestine.
Elaine: So, because of a few bad apples you're gonna impugn an entire continent?
Jerry: Yes, I'm impugning a continent.
Kramer: Well, I say we're going to take our money right now!
Newman: Hey, hey...
Jerry: Hello Newman.
Newman: Hello Jerry. (to Kramer) So, any news?
Kramer: Yeah, he skipped out and *ptruut* went to South America!
Newman: South America?! (to Jerry) What kind of snow blower you get us mixed up with?
Elaine: Look it, gentlemen. The fact remains you still have no proof. This is all speculation and hearsay.
Kramer: Wait, there is one way to find out. We set up a sting. You know like Abscam. Like Abscam Jerry.
Elaine: Ohh, what are you gonna do? You gonna put on phony beards and dress-up like Arab sheiks and sit around in some hotel room. I mean come on...
Jerry: Wait a second. Maybe there is someway we can tempt him and find out...
Newman: If we put our three heads together we should come up with something.
Kramer: What's today?
Newman: It's Thursday.
Kramer: Really? Feels like Tuesday.
Newman: Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel, Friday has a feel, Sunday has a feel...
Kramer: I feel Tuesday and Wednesday...
Jerry: All right, shut up the both of you! You're making me nervous. Where is he already? He should've been out of work by now.
Newman: Hey, you know this is kind of fun.
Kramer: Yeah, maybe we oughta become private detectives...
Jerry: Yeah maybe you should.
Kramer: Maybe I will.
Newman: Yeah, me too.
Jerry: All right, what are you gonna say to him?
Kramer: Just gonna find out if he's interested.
Newman: Hey, hey maybe I should go with him?
Jerry: No, you stay here in the car.
Newman: Who made you the leader?
Jerry: All right Newman, one more peep outta you, you're out of the whole operation!
Newman: Alright.
Jerry: There he is. He's going into that bar.
Kramer: All right, I'm going in.
Jerry: Be careful Kramer.
Newman: I shoulda gone in with him.
Jerry: No, you stay here in the car. I may need you.
Newman: What you need me in the car for?
Jerry: I might need you to get me a soda.
Kramer: I'll have a brewsky, Charlie.
Bartender: The name's Mitch.
Kramer: Oh, there's nothing like a cold one after a long day, eh?
Barry: Yeah.
Kramer: Oh yeah, I've been known to drink a beer or two. But then again, I've been known to do a lot of things. (Waiter opens the counter which hits Kramer on the head) Cigarette?
Barry: (sniffs) No, I never touch them.
Kramer: I suck'em down like Coca-Cola. Well here's to feeling good all the time. (Kramer drinks the beer and smokes the cigarette at the same time. Barry sniffs) Looks like you've got yourself a little cold there, eh fella?
Barry: I don't think so.
Kramer: Me neither.
Jerry: You should try this new dental floss Glide, it's fantastic.
Newman: I use dental tape.
Jerry: You should try this.
Newman: I don't wanna.
Jerry: Not even once?
Newman: No.
Jerry: You're an idiot.
Newman: Why, because I use dental tape?
Jerry: Right, anyone who uses dental tape is an idiot.
Kramer: South America?
Barry: Yeah, yeah.
Kramer: Well that's a burgeoning continent.
Barry: Well, they are expanding their economic base.
Kramer: Tell me about it.
Barry: (sniffs) Excuse me, I gotta goto the bathroom.
Kramer: I'm hip.
Barry: Hip to the what?
Kramer: To the whole scene. (sniff)
Barry: What scene?
Kramer: The bathroom scene. (moves his knows as you would if you sniffed)
Barry: Listen, don't take this personally, but when I'm coming back I'm sitting over there.
Kramer: What ever turns you on.
Newman: No, no I don't like it.
Jerry: What do you mean you don't like it? How could you not like it?
Newman: I like the thick tape.
Barry: Heeyy!! What kind of a nut are you?
Farkus: So, basically George the job here is quite simple. Selling bras.
George: Well, that interests me very much Mr. Farkus.Very much indeed, sir.
Farkus: Have you ever sold a woman's line before?
George: No, but um I have very good report with women, very good, comfortable. And from the first time I laid eyes on a brassieres, I was enthralled.
Farkus: Hum. tell me about it.
George: Well, I was 14 years old. I was in my friends bathroom. His mother's brassieres were hanging on the shower rod and I picked it up, studied it. I thought, I like this. I didn't know what way or what level, but I knew I wanted to be around brassieres.
Farkus: That's an incredible story. You have a remarkable passion for brassieres.
George: Well, they're more than an underwear to me Mr. Farkus. Two cups in the front, two loops in the back. How do they do it?
Farkus: Well, I think I can say, barring some unforeseen incident, that you will have a very bright future here at E.D. Granmont.
George: Thank you Mr.Farkus, thank you very much indeed sir.
Farkus: See you monday 9 o'clock.
George: If you don't mind, sir. I'll be here at 8.
Farkus: Excellent.
George: So long, Mr. Farkus.
Ms. De Granmont: What you're think you're doing?
George: Oh, nothing...
Ms. De Granmont: Farkus, get out here!
Farkus: Yes, Ms. De Granmont?
Ms. De Granmont: Farkus, who is this pervert little weasel?
Farkus: Uh, this is Costanza, he's our new bra salesman. (George's offers his hand to shake) He's supposed to start on monday.
Ms. De Granmont: If he's here on monday, you're not. Take a pick.
Farkus: (to George) Get out! (to Ms. De Granmont) I'm terribly sorry Ms. De Granmont...
Elaine: You wanted to see me, Mr. Lippman?
Lippman: I was just uh going over the Jake Jarmel book and I understand you worked with him very closely on this.
Elaine: Yes (clears her throat) yes I did.
Lippman: And uh, anyway I was just reading your final edit and um, there seems to be an inordinate number of exclamation points.
Elaine: Uh well um, I felt that the writing lacked certain emotion and intensity.
Lippman: Ah, (reads an excerpt) "It was damp and chilly afternoon, so I decided to put on my sweatshirt!"
Elaine: Right, well...
Lippman: You put exclamation point after sweatshirt?
Elaine: That's that's correct, I-I felt that the character doesn't like to be ch-ch-chilly...
Lippman: I see, (reads another excerpt) "I pulled the lever on the machine, but the Clark bar didn't come out!" Exclamation point?
Elaine: Well, yeah, you know how frustrating that can be when you keep putting quarters and quarters in to machine and then (prrt) nothing comes out...
Lippman: Get rid of the exclamation points...
Elaine: Ok, ok ok ...
Lippman: I hate exclamation points...
Elaine: ...ok I'll just...
Jerry: 'Dear Barry. Consider this letter to be official termination of our relationship effective immediately.'
Kramer: Exclamation point.
Elaine: You still have no proof.
Kramer: Elaine, he was sniffing like crazy around me.
Jerry: 'I will expect all funds in form of cashier checks no later than the 18th'.
Kramer: Double exclamation point!
Newman: Will that take care of ours too?
Jerry: Yeah, I'll give you yours as soon as I get my money back.
Newman: Hey, you want me to mail it? I'm on my way out anyway.
Jerry: Yeah, thanks.
Newman: It'll be my pleasure.
Newman: See'ya later.
Jerry: You know this...
Kramer: Hey, Ralph.
Jerry: Hi Ralph.
Ralph: What's up fellas? That'll be 14.30.
Jerry: All right.
Kramer: Mushrooms, you got mushrooms Jerry?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: What's the matter? You've got a cold?
Ralph: No man (sniffs again) Kramer, what is this?
Kramer: It's a sweater.
Ralph: What is it made out of?
Kramer: I don't know, Jerry gave it to me.
Jerry: Mohair, I think.
Ralph: Mohair, that figures, I'm allergic to mohair.
Jerry: You mean you just started sniffing?
Ralph: Yeah, mohair does it to me every time.
Jerry: I was wearing that sweater in the coffee shop when Barry came in.
Kramer: Jerry, I was wearing it in the bar.
Elaine: The sweater! The sweater made him sniff! See, I told you he wasn't a drug addict.
Jerry: Oh no! The letter, Newman, it's got exclamation points all over it!
Kramer: Not to mention the picture of him on the toilet.
Jerry: The what??
Newman: After you.
Woman: Thank you.
Woman: Get your hands off of me! Johnny!!! Johnny!
Frank: What do you mean you felt the material? What, with your fingers like this?
George: So what, what is so bad about that?
Estelle: Who goes around feeling people's material? What can be gained by feeling a person's material? It's insanity!
Frank: What ever happened to "Why, that's a lovely dress you have on. May I have this dance?"!!
Elaine: You are really lucky Newman never mailed that letter.
Jerry: Sorry I'm late, I just came from a meeting with my lawyer.
Elaine: What is this?
Jerry: It's a letter from your friend Barry Prophet's lawyer.
Elaine: He is filing a chapter eleven. Why, what's going on, why is he filing a chapter eleven?
Jerry: Bankruptcy, bankruptcy...as in I've taken your money and spent it on drugs!
Elaine: What do you mean, I thought it was the sweater.
Kramer: All right, What about the money?
Jerry: What about the money? Apparently if I had dissolved my relationship with him prior to his filing chapter eleven, I've could've got the money back. Which I would've done, if a certain imbecile had been able to get to a mailbox and mail a letter!!
Newman: Pair of bear claws, please.
Woman: Nice.
Jerry: Think so?
Woman: Yeah, what is it?
Jerry: Half silk, half cotton, half linen. How can you go wrong?


Stan: ...And then baby's head comes out, and I'm screaming and my brother who's been videotaping the whole thing turns green, his eyes roll up in his head and he blacks out, he drops the camera, the camera breaks, and then, the placenta comes flying out.
Elaine: Whoa.
Stan: And then doctor says...
Jerry: (interrupting) Thanks, that's enough.
Stan: Will you look at that kid. Sucking away. Sucking like there's no tomorrow. Suck, suck, suck...
Jerry: (Looking away) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Stan: Look at that Jerry, look at that. Sucking, sucking...
Jerry: Yeah, I looked. I saw.
Stan: This doesn't make you uncomfortable, does it?
Jerry: No, Uncomfortable? Not at all. (ASIDE TO ELAINE) My friend's wife's breast sticking out - why would that make me uncomfortable?
Stan: Look at him.
Jerry: So how long do they do this?
Stan: Jus, a year or two.
Jerry: No break?
Stan: After that comes the weaning.
Jerry: So after the sucking, comes the weaning.
Elaine: First the sucking then the weaning.
Jerry: Well, you gotta wean.
Stan: Gotta wean.
Elaine: Must wean.
George: What about that spot I got?
Jerry: Yeah, I saw the spot.
George: You open the door to the car, boom, you walk right into the hospital. Eh, You can't beat that spot. (starts doing a little dance) I am on a roll. I'm just willing these great parking spots.
Jerry: George...
George: Maybe the baby would like to see my spot. A positive, uplifting message to start his life out with. Huh, You can still get a great space in this city - if you apply yourself.
Jerry: (to Elaine) Where's Kramer? Shouldn't he be here by now.
Elaine: Did you give him the room number?
Jerry: Ya, 1397.
Kramer: 1937, 1937, 1937...
Patient: Excuse me. Do you know where the elevator is?
Kramer: Uh ya, it's right around the corner there.
Kramer: 1937.
Kramer: Oh! God, It's a Pig man! A pig man!
Stan: ..So anyway, Jerry, Elaine, we have something we want to ask you.
George: You gotta look at this. I pulled it in perfectly equidistant from the car in front of me and the car behind me.
Jerry: Will you shut up George.
Elaine: I'm taking a cab home. I can't this anymore.
Jerry: You were saying Stan? I-I'm sorry about that.
Stan: Myra and I would like you and Elaine to be the Godparents of Steven.
Elaine: Huuh, Wow.
Jerry: Me? Godfather?
Stan: Yes.
Jerry: (a la "Don Corleone") Never go against the family, Elaine.
Elaine: What?
Kramer: Hey, I just saw a pig man! A pig man! Ya know he was sleeping and then he woke up and he looked up at me an-and he made this horrible sound, this (Quells like a pig).
George: Kramer, what the hell are you talking about?
Kramer: I'm talking about the pig man. I went into the wrong room and there he was.
George: A pig-man?
Kramer: A pig-man. Half pig, half man!
Elaine: That's great Kramer... So-So, anyway, tell us what's involved in being a Godparent.
Jerry: (a la "Don Corleione") Elaine, never ask me about my business!... (SHEEPISH) "Godfather."
Stan: The most important thing is you help with the bris.
Jerry: The bris?
Kramer: A bris? You mean circumcision?
Stan: Ya.
Kramer: I would advise against that.
Elaine: Wha, Kramer. It's a tradition.
Kramer: Ya well, so was uh sacrificing virgins to appease the gods, but we don't do that anymore.
Jerry: Well, maybe we should.
George: (knocks on the window) Hey, why are all those people milling around my car?
Kramer: I don't know.
Jerry: Maybe they're admiring your spot.
Kramer: They're all looking up.
George: Hey, there's a guy up the roof.
Kramer: Whoa. That's the guy that I told where the elevator was.
George: Oh well, I hope he doesn't jum...
George, Elaine, Kramer, Jerry, & Stan: Oh my!
George: My car! My caaaaarrrr!
Elaine: A Mohel! What the hell is a Mohel?
Jerry: A Mohel is the person that performs the circumcision.
Elaine: Where am I going to find a Mohel? (LOOKING THROUGH THE YELLOW PAGES, MUTTERING) Motels, models... How do you find a Mohel?
Jerry: Oh, finding a Mohel is a piece of cake. Any idiot can find a Mohel. I have to hold the baby while they do it. That's a tough job. How would you like that?
Elaine: Hey Jerry, you ever seen one?
Jerry: You mean that wasn't uh.
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: No.. you?
Elaine: Ya.
Jerry: What'd you think?
Elaine: (shakes her head) No, had no face, no personality. It was like a martian. But hey, you know that's me.
Jerry: Hey.
George: Well I just got the estimate. It's going to cost more to fix that roof than the car's worth, So I'm going over to see that hospital administrator today. Someone is gonna pay for this damage and it's not gonna be me.
Jerry: Ah, you're screwed.
George: I know, swan dives from twenty floors up, lands right on top. What do I got a bulls eye up there? He couldn't move over two feet? Land on the sidewalk. It's city property.
Elaine: Well I have to interview a Mohel.
Jerry: How about our little Elaine huh? Attended the finest finishing schools on the Eastern seaboard. Equestrian competitions. Debutante balls. Look at her now. Interviewing Mohels.
Kramer: YEA!
Jerry: What's the matter?
Elaine: Are you alright?
Kramer: Don't even question my instincts, because my instincts are honed. (REPAPER) Look at that.
Jerry: What now?
Kramer: Look look.
Jerry: (Kramer shows Jerry and Elaine the paper) "Hospital receives grant to conduct DNA research".." Government funds genetic research at area hospital" ... Yeah, so?
Kramer: pig-man, baby. pig-man.
Elaine: If I hear about this pig-man one more time...
Kramer: Hey, I'm tellin ya the pig-man is alive. The government has been experimenting with pig-men since the fifties.
Jerry: Oh, will you stop it. Just because a hospital studying DNA research doesn't mean they're creating a race of mutant pig-men!
Kramer: Jerry wake up to reality. It's a military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.
George: I tell you something. I wish there were pig-men. You get a few of these pig-men walking around suddenly I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to fix me up at least they could say, "Hey he's no pig-man!"
Jerry: Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for these pig-men. Whatever the deformity is there's always some group of perverts that's attracted to it. "Oo that little tail really turns me on."
Elaine: (MUMBLES) That's just about enough
Jerry: Oh, what's the matter this doesn't interest you?
Elaine: Oh, no, it's fascinating, but could you do me a favor, could ya tape the rest of the pig-men and the women who love them discussion and I'll listen to it the next time I'm here. I've gotta go find a Mohel.
Kramer: You know, you should call this off, Elaine. It's a barbaric ritual.
Elaine: Well, perhaps one day when the pig-men roam free it will be stopped Kramer. Until then, off with their heads.
George: But Kramer, isn't it a question of hygiene?
Kramer: It's a myth. Besides, it makes sex more pleasurable.
George: Yeah. So how does that help me?
Jerry: (TO GEORGE) Hey George, you ever see one?
George: Yeah, my roommate in college.
Jerry: So what'd you think?
George: (thinks for a second) I got used to it.
Jerry: Alright, I'm waiting. I-I want to see the pig-man. Show me the pig- man.
Kramer: Oh, don't worry. I'm gonna show you, and you'll never be the same.
Jerry: Maybe he's just a guy with a nose like this. (holds his nose up like a pig) You know a lot of people have a nose like this, they're not necessarily pig-men.
Kramer: Believe me, Jerry, somewhere in this hospital the anguished "oink" of pig-man cries out for help.
Jerry: Well, if I hear an anguished "oink", I'm outta here. I-I don't see any pig-men. Look (HE POINTS AT PASSERBY) Human, human, human... (HE LOOKS DOWN CORRIDOR, WITH ALARM.) (WITH MOCK ALARM) Wait a second! (Grabs Kramer)
Kramer: What?!
Jerry: Oh, it's George.
George: Alright the administrator's on the third floor. I'll meet you guys back at the car.
Kramer: Wait wait George. You got room in the car for the pig-man huh?
George: The pig-man can take the bus.
Kramer: George, if the pig-man had a car, he would give you a ride.
George: How do you know? What if pig-man had a two-seater?
Kramer: Be realistic George.
George: I'll tell you what, if pig-man shows up, we'll squeeze him in. I'll see you later.
Kramer: Yea.
Mrs. Sweedler: Mr. Costanza, come in, come in. It's been a very trying couple of days around the hospital. Doctors, patients, everyone, just grief stricken over this unfortunate occurrence.
George: Well, I join them in their grief.
Mrs. Sweedler: Horrible thing. Flew right past the children's wing. All the sick children, in the playroom, looking out the window, just traumatized by the incident. Apparently, they thought he was flying. You know how children are, "Oh look. A man is flying. A man is flying" And then, splat...
George: That's where I come in. Umm, on splat. Uh, you see, Mrs. Sweedler, or is it hospital administrator Sweedler?
Mrs. Sweedler: Mrs. Sweedler's fine.
George: Mrs. Sweedler thank you. Y-You see, this tragedy affected me in a very, very personal way.
Mrs. Sweedler: How is that?
George: Yes, well you see, the deceased landed on my car. The uh splat, as it were, actually occurred on the roof of my car. Now of course I can't help but feel that had it been a convertible this whole tragedy might have been averted but I've never been the kind of guy to buy a convertible, what with the baldness and everything.
Mrs. Sweedler: Well I have known bald men who owned convertibles. They wore a hat.
George: Yes but then everything is all pulled down and it's jus.. Anyway. The damage, unfortunately, has marred an otherwise fine automobile, rendering it virtually undriveable.
Mrs. Sweedler: (STIFFENING) Yes, well, that is a shame.
George: Yes, a shame. That is exactly how I would put it. Now Mrs. Sweedler, with all due discretion and sensitivity, and taking in the whole scope of the situation, I just can't help but think that, the hospital is somehow responsible for compensating the other, still living 'victim' of horrendous, horrendous tragedy.
Mrs. Sweedler: Mr.Constanza.
George: Yes.
Mrs. Sweedler: A man plummeted tragically to his ultimate demise -
George: Yes.
Mrs. Sweedler: ... and you greedily, callously want to profit from it?
George: (PULLING OUT ESTIMATE OUT OF HIS POCKET) Well, profit. I think you'll see from the estimate that I'm not really profiting that much. They might be a little high, but..
Mrs. Sweedler: Get out! Get out, now! Get out of my office.
George: Should I leave this..?
Mrs. Sweedler: GET OUT!
Kramer: Excuse me. What happened to the man, that was in this room before?
Resident: I don't know what you're talking about.
Kramer: You know. (HE PUSHES HIS NOSE UP WITH HIS THUMB).
Resident: No.
Kramer: (STILL HOLDING HIS NOSE UP ) This doesn't look familiar to you?
Resident: Uh, Sir?
Kramer: Look, I know what's going on. The oink, oink.
Resident: Yes well if you'll excuse me. I really have some patients I have to attend to.
Kramer: (TOUGH TALKING) Now listen to me you little quack, There was a half man, half pig in that room over there. Now where is he?! Where is he?!
Resident: Half-what?
Kramer: You know what I mean - pork, sausage, (A LA PORKY PIG) A-deek-a-deek-a- deek th-th-th-that's all folks.
Resident: I think he's been released.
Kramer: He's lying.
Jerry: Alright Kramer, enough of this. Let's go find George.
Kramer: Alright you go ahead.
Jerry: Kramer.
Jerry: Where's the Mohel?
Elaine: He'll be here.
Jerry: He's late already.
Elaine: Relax. You'd think you were getting whacked.
Jerry: I don't know why he asked me to be the Godfather. We're not even that close of friends. Just cause we're on the softball team, I'm the pitcher, he's the catcher he thinks we have a special relationship?
Elaine: I thought pitchers and catchers did have a special rapport.
Jerry: Well maybe in hardball with all the signals and everything but I'm just lobbing it in. We don't have any conferences. He doesn't come out to the mound and encourage me.
Elaine: What about me? I mean I just watched a few games with her sitting in the stands.
Jerry: Don't they have any closer friends. They're level jumping on our friendship.
Elaine: Yes it is level jumping.
George: So uh... been to a bris before?
Woman: No.
George: I've been to a few of em. If you uh start to get woozy later, which is quite common, stay close to me. I'll get you through it. (chuckles)
Woman: I'm a cardiologist. I think I'll manage.
George: Oh.
Kramer: We're not talking about a manicure. Imagine, this is going to be his first memory. Of his parents just standing there while some stranger (Does some motions of cutting; Myra sobs more) cutting off a piece of his manhood and then serves a catered lunch.
Stan: (Seeing Myra run away sobbing) Myra?
Elaine: Kramer, what's the matter with you?
Kramer: Me?
Elaine: (to everyone) Oh, that's the Mohel.
All: (ADLIB) It's the Mohel! the Mohel is here! Thank God, the Mohel is here.
Elaine: Hello.
Mohel: (to Elaine) Hello, Hello (shaking hands with Jerry) Hello, I'm the Mohel.
Jerry: Hello.
Mohel: (cont'd) (shakes Stan's hand) It's very nice to meet you all... (A PAN CLANGS TO THE GROUND. THE MOHEL SNAPS.) Oh! What was that?!? Jeez. Scared the hell out of me. My god. I almost had a heart attack! (THE CROWD GROWS UNEASY) (CALMING DOWN) Ok, I'm fine, I'm fine. Anyway, we're here to perform the mitzvah of the bris... (The Baby starts crying) (WITH INCREASING TENSION) ...Is the baby gonna cry like that? Is that how the baby cries, with the loud, sustained, squealing cry, 'cause that could pose a problem. Do you have any control of your child 'cause this will be the time to exercise it when baby is crying in that high-pitched, squealing tone that can drive you insane!!!
Elaine: Did you find the place alright?
Mohel: Did I find it alright? Could you send me to a more dangerous neighborhood? I'm dreading walking back to the subway, someone shouldn't crack me over the head and steal my bag, Because I'll be lying there and people will spit on me and empty my pockets. I'll be lying in the gutter like a bum, like a dog, like a mutt, like a mongrel, like an animal! God forbid anybody should help me or call an ambulance. Oh no, that's too much trouble to pick up a phone and press a few buttons. Ahh! What's the point.
Elaine: (setting down her glass) Oh, ya haha.
Mohel: (TO ELAINE INTERRUPTING) Darling, you see where that glass is? How that glass is near the edge of the table. You got the whole table there to put the glass, why you chose the absolute edge, so half the glass is hanging off the table, you breath and that glass falls over, then you're gonna have broken glass on the carpet, embedded in the carpet fibers, deep, deep in the shag, broken glass, bits of broken glass that you never get out. you can't get it out with a vacuum cleaner. Even on your hands and knees with a magnifying glass, you can't get all the pieces, and then you think you got it all and two years later, you're walkin' barefoot and you step on a piece of broken glass and you kill yourself, is that what you want? I don't think you want that, is it? .. Do ya? Huh?
Elaine: (to Myra) He's very highly recommended. So...
Mohel: (to George) You're holding the baby?
George: (getting up out of his chair to get out of the Mohel's way) No, No.
Mohel: Hello! Who's holding the baby?!? Who's holding the baby?
Jerry: (uncertain) Yeah. I'm holding the baby.
Elaine: (pushing Jerry over to the Mohel) Ok, go.
Jerry: I'm going.
Elaine: Go.
Jerry: I'm going.
Elaine: C'mon
Jerry: Don't push me.
Mohel: Okay. you sit here. Now I need the baby. Bring me the baby. I need the baby!
Kramer: No, I'm not going to let this happen.
All: (numerous voices) Kramer! Let go of the baby! Kramer!
Mohel: People compose yourselves. (Shouting as the struggle ends) This is a bris. We are performing a bris here, not a burlesque show. This is not a school play! This is not a baggy pants farce! This is a bris. An sacred, ancient ceremony, symbolizing the covenant between God and Abraham... or something. (The Mohel opens his bag to start the process but drops it and his instruments fall out. People attempt to help him out) No! Don't touch it! Don't touch a thing!
Elaine: Ok.
Mohel: (muttering to Jerry).. I coulda been a kosher butcher like my brother. The money's good. There's a union, with benefits. And, cows have no families. You make a mistake with a cow, you move on with your life... Anyway.
Jerry: Hurry up George! Step on it!
George: Alright, alright!
Jerry: That damn Mohel - he circumcised my finger! The Mohel circumcised my finger!
Elaine: You flinched.
Jerry: Flinched? I did not flinch. George, did I flinch?
Elaine: Oh how would he know. He blacked out. He fainted.
George: It was very traumatic. The last thing I remember is you flinching. Then, everything went black.
Jerry: Who's got a tissues? I need more tissues! Look at this thing. It's my phone finger!
George: Be careful, you're getting blood all over the car.
Kramer: What about the baby?
Jerry: Oh the baby's fine. They just took him to the hospital as a precautionary measure. But look at me. I'm the one who's hurt.
Elaine: Would you stop it? You're just gonna need a few stitches.
Jerry: A few stitches? I've never had stitches. I'll be deformed. I can't live with that. It goes against my whole personality. It's not me!
George: Hey look a that - boy are you lucky - another great spot - right in front of the hospital. In an emergency yet! How lucky are you huh? Is that unbelievable? How unbelievable is that huh? Come on, give it to me, give it to me.
George: I have never seen a Mohel like that.
Jerry: That was a one in a million Mohel.
Elaine: I said I'm sorry.
Jerry: Look at this.
Kramer: Oh you'll be ok. I'll see you later.
George: Wha, where is he going?
Jerry: Oh well if it isn't Shakey the Mohel! Nice job on the circumcision but it's not supposed to be a finger.
Mohel: (REJERRY) The circumcision was perfect. The finger was your fault! You flinched!
Jerry: Oh who made you a Mohel? Whadya, get your degree from a matchbook?
Mohel: (HE MAKES A SUDDEN MOVEMENT) Ya See! He flinched again!
Jerry: Nice Mohel picking, Elaine. You picked a helluva Mohel!
Mohel: One more peep out of you and I'll slice you up like a smoked sturgeon.
Jerry: Oh don't threaten me, Butcher Boy.
Mohel: Butcher Boy?!
Jerry: Ya what was this? (HE IMITATES MOHEL'S FLINCHING)
Mohel: What was this? (HE IMITATES JERRY)
Jerry: It was not!
Elaine: Jerry, be careful. The Mohel's got a knife!
Stan: (holding the Mohel back) Hey, hey what's going on out here? You two should be ashamed of yourselves, both of ya!
Mohel: Ah, blood.
Elaine: Oh, how's the baby?
Stan: There's nothing wrong with the baby.
Myra: The circumcision went fine.
Mohel: Thank god the flincher didn't harm the baby.
Stan: Amen.
Mohel: I will get you for this. This is my business, this is my life. No one ruins this for me. No one! (TO ELAINE) Here's my card.
Kramer: (off screen) Outta My Way!
Jerry: (struggling to open a bottle with his bandaged finger) I can't do it. (A LA GODFATHER) Look what they did to my boy, They massacred my boy.
Elaine: You really do the worst Godfather I ever heard. You're not even close.
Jerry: (walking over the the buzzer to answer it) Oh, that's the Flicks.
George: (ON PHONE) It's a '76 Chevy Impala. They stole it right in front of the hospital. I saw the guy drive off in it. Well he's about five feet tall, hairless, pink complexion.. (Elaine puts her finger on her nose) looks like a pig. Yeah, alright alright, thank you, thank you. (Kramer enters) So any word from the "pig-man"?
Kramer: No.
George: No. And he's not a pig-man is he?
Kramer: NO, he's not.. Just a fat little mental patient.
Jerry: Myra, Stan.
Myra: Don't touch him
Jerry: What's the matter?
Stan: You're out, Jerry. You're out as Godfather. You too, Elaine. You're both out.
Elaine: But I didn't do anything.
Stan: No, no buts. We made up our minds. (turns to Kramer) We want Kramer. He showed us how much he cares about Steven.
Kramer: (Leaving A LA GODFATHER) Don't ever go against the family Jerry.
Stan: (grabbing Kramer's hand) Godfather.
Myra: (grabbing Kramer's other hand) Godfather.
Kramer: Yes
*Note: During this closing monologue; Jerry's finger is bandaged the same way it was during this episode.


Jerry: Professional tennis. To me I don't understand all the shushing. Why are they always shushing. Shh, shh. Don't the players know that we're there? Should we duck down behind the seats so they don't see us watching them? To me tennis is basically just ping-pong and the players are standing on the table. That's all it is. And that goofy scoring, you win one point and all the sudden you're up by 15. Two points, 30-love. 30-love. Sounds like an English call girl. "That'll be 30, love... And could you be a little quieter next time, please, shh."
Jerry: Are these seats unbelievable or what?
George: Where's the sunblock?
Jerry: Here.
George: 25? You don't have anything higher?
Jerry: What, are you on Mercury?
George: I need higher. This has paba in it, I need paba-free.
Jerry: You got a problem with paba?
George: Yes, I have a problem with paba.
Jerry: You don't even know what paba is.
George: I know enough to stay away from it.
Announcer: 30-Love
George: So are you going to Todd's party this weekend?
Jerry: I'll go if someone else drives. You going?
George: Gwen really wants to go.
Jerry: You're bringing a date to a party?
George: No good?
Jerry: A party is a bad date situation. It doesn't matter who you're with. You could be with J. Edgar Hoover. You don't want to sit and talk with Hoover all night. You want to circulate. (Makes hand motions) Ho, ho, ho.
George: Why'd you pick Hoover? Was he that interesting to talk to?
Jerry: Well I would think, with the law enforcement and the cross dressing. Seems like an interesting guy.
George: Yeah I guess. What can I do? I gotta take her with me. Todd introduced us, I'm obligated.
Jerry: That woman is absolutely stunning.
George: Who, the Croat? [the tennis player]
Jerry: Not the Croat, the lineswoman. That is the most beautiful lineswoman I've ever seen.
George: Yeah, she's a B.L.
Jerry: B.L.?
George: Beautiful lineswoman. Alright listen uh I'm going to go to the concession stand and get some real sunblock. You want anything? Jerry? (Jerry is staring at the lineswoman) Jerry?
Coworker: You know, I just heard the Lexington line is out.
Elaine: (annoyed) Uh, you are kidding me. How am I supposed to get to this meeting?
Coworker: Take a car service. We have an account.
Elaine: Oh forget it, I hate those. Everytime I take one, the driver will *not* stop talking to me. No matter how disinterested I seem he just keeps yakking away. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Why does everything always have to have a social componant? Now a stage coach, that would have been a good situation for me. Cause I'm in the coach, and the driver is way up there on the stage.
Coworker: Well you're not going to get a cab now. Four thirty in the afternoon? Read a magazine, keep your head down.
Elaine: Yea, I guess that could work.
Announcer: And that is it. The match to Ms. Natalia Valdoni. Coming up next, mens single, but for now let's stop a minute and take a look at our beautiful tennis center backdrop.
Kramer: Hey, hey, it's George.
Announcer: Holy cow it's a scorcher. Boy I bet you that guy can cover a lot of court.
Announcer #2: Hey buddy, they got a new invention. It's called a napkin. We'll take a station break and continue with more action...
Driver: Dag Gavershole Plaza huh? (Elaine ignores him) Pendant Publishing, that's books right? (Elaine is annoyed and still ignoring him) Miss?
Elaine: Pardon me?
Driver: Books, that's what you do?
Elaine: Yeah.
Driver: Yeah, I don't read much myself, (Elaine is annoyed) well you know besides the paper. Yeah a lot of people read to relax, not me. You know what I do?
Elaine: You know I-I'm having a lot of trouble, um, hearing you back here. So...
Driver: (Yelling) I said you know what I do (Elaine is very annoyed) when I want to relax? The Jumble. Hey uh do you make a book of Jumbles?
Elaine: I'm going to have to be honest with you. I'm going deaf.
Driver: Going deaf?
Elaine: What?
Driver: Oh I-I-I'm sorry.
Elaine: It can be very frustrating.
Driver: Hey what about a hearing aid?
Elaine: Am I fearing AIDS? Oh, yeah sure, who isn't. But you know you gotta live your life.
Driver: No, no I said. Ehhh, forget it. (Elaine looks pleased)
Jerry: I can't take my eyes off that lineswoman. The woman is absolutely mesmerizing.
George: Boy you are really smitten.
Jerry: I gotta talk to her. What do you think?
George: Cold? How are you going to do that? You're not one of those guys.
Jerry: I'm going to psyche myself into it like those people that just walk across the hot coals.
George: They're not mocked and humiliated when they get to the other side.
Jerry: I have to. I won't be able to live with myself.
George: Wait a minute Jerry, there's a bigger issue here. If you go through that wall and become one of those guys I'll be left here on this side. Take me with you.
Jerry: I can't.
George: What are you going to say?
Jerry: I don't know, "Hi".
George: (laughing) You think you're going to the other side with "Hi"? You're not going to make it.
Radio: Base to 92 come in
Driver: Yes this is 92
Radio: After this go back to city for a 600 pickup
Driver: Righteo
Radio: 794 Bleeker the party's Hanks. Tom Hanks.
Elaine: Tom Hanks? After me you're picking up Tom Hanks? I love him.
Driver: So I guess your hearing goes in and out huh?
Elaine: (realizing he caught her) Yeah. Yes it does...
Driver: Yeah. You know what I think? I think you made that whole thing up.
Elaine: No no, no no.
Driver: Yeah yeah, I know your type. You're too good to make conversation with someone like me. Oh god forbid you could discuss the Jumbles. But to go so far as to pretend you're almost deaf, I mean that is truly disgusting. And Mr. Tom Hanks, may I say he too would be disgusted by your behavior.
Jerry: Excuse me. (Woman ignores him) Excuse me? (Still ignores him) Oh that's nice. That's right ignore me. That's real polite. Yea nobody's even talking to you. All you big lineswoman. Oh you've got some kind of a cool job. I know your type thinking your too good for everyone, but it's women like you (woman turns around and notices him) oh well, what are you deaf?
Laura: Bingo.
Kramer: And you're saying she's deaf.
Jerry: I'm not *saying* she's deaf, she's deaf.
Kramer: Can't hear a thing.
Jerry: Can't hear a thing.
Kramer: And you're going to go out with her.
Jerry: Yeah, isn't that something?
Elaine: Hey.
Jerry & Kramer: Hey.
Kramer: Hey I know how to sign.
Jerry: Really?
Kramer: Yeah when I was 8, I had a deaf cousin who lived with us for about a year. (signing as he speaks) So I haven't been able to do it in a while.
Elaine: What is this about?
Jerry: I met this deaf lineswoman at the tennis match.
Elaine: You are kidding. That is amazing. (She pushes Jerry, Jerry falls back into Kramer.) I just took a car service from work and to get the driver to not talk to me, I pretended I was going deaf.
Jerry: Wow good plan.
Elaine: Oh didn't work. He caught me hearing. Alright it's terrible, but I'm not a terrible person.
Jerry & Kramer: No.
Elaine: No. When I shoo squirrels away, I always say "get out of here". I never ever throw things at them and try to injure them like other people.
Jerry: That's nice.
Elaine: Yeah, and when I see freaks in the street I never, ever stare at them. Yet, I'm careful not to look away, see, because I want to make the freaks feel comfortable.
Jerry: (turning to Kramer) That's nice for the freaks.
Elaine: Yeah, and I don't poof up my hair when I got to a movie so people behind me can see. I've got to make it up to this guy or I won't be able to live with myself. What can I do?
Jerry: Why don't you get him some tickets or something, how about that friend of yours that works at the ticket agency.
Kramer: Yeah yeah Pete, he can get you great tickets to something.
Elaine: Really?
Kramer: Like a rock concert. Whatever you like.
Elaine: Oh great, thanks Kramer.
Kramer: You got it. Hey Jerry, do me a favor. The next time you see that lineswoman ask her how those ball boys get those jobs. I would love to be able to do that.
Jerry: Kramer, I think perhaps you've overlooked one of the key aspects of this activity. It's ball *boys*, not ball men. There are no ball men.
Elaine: Yeah I think he's right. I've never seen a ball man.
Kramer: Well there ought to be ball men.
Jerry: All right I'll talk to her. If you want to be a ball man go ahead, break the ball barrier. (Elaine drinks straight out of the orange juice container) Hey.
Elaine: Hey you know a friend of mine from work said that she saw George at the tennis match on TV yesterday.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah me too. Yeah he was at the snack bar eating a hot fudge sundae. He had it all over his face. He was wearing that chocolate on his face like a beard and they got in there real nice and tight. And he's... (Imitates scooping up ice cream. Elaine and Jerry laugh)
Gwen: I'm sorry George.
George: I don't understand things were going so great. What happened? Something must have happened.
Gwen: It's not you, it's me.
George: You're giving me the "it's not you, it's me" routine? I invented "it's not you, it's me". Nobody tells me it's them not me, if it's anybody it's me.
Gwen: All right, George, it's you.
George: You're *damn* right it's me.
Gwen: I was just trying to...
George: I know what you were trying to do. Nobody does it better than me.
Gwen: I'm sure you do it very well.
George: Yes well unfortunately you'll never get the chance to find out.
Jerry: But I thought things were going great.
George: Yeah so did I.
Jerry: Did she say why?
George: No. She tried to give me the "it's not you, it's me" routine.
Jerry: But that's your routine.
George: Yeah. Well aparently word's out.
Kramer: Hey, Georgie, I saw you on TV yesterday.
George: Really? At the tennis match?
Kramer: Yeah you were at the snack bar eating a hot fudge sundae.
George: Get out of here. I didn't see any cameras there.
Kramer: Oh, the cameras was, vrooom, there. The announcers, they made a couple of cracks about you.
George: Cracks? What were they saying?
Kramer: That you had ice cream all over your face. They were talking about how funny you looked.
George: Oh my god, maybe Gwen saw it. Maybe that's what did it.
Kramer: Well I'll tell you it wasn't a pretty sight.
George: She must have seen me eating it on TV.
Jerry: So she sees you with hot fudge on your face and she ends it? You really think she would be that superficial?
George: Why not. I would be.
Jerry: Hello... Oh hi dad... You saw him?... Really with the ice cream?... All right I'll talk to you later, bye.
George: You're parents saw me on TV?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: This is nighmare. Kramer how long was I on?
Kramer: It felt like 8 seconds.
George: One-one-thousand, two-one-thousand, three-one-thousand.
Elaine: I heard you *really* inhaled that thing. Did anyone tape it?
George: Can we move on?
Jerry: He thinks Gwen broke up with him because she saw him eating the ice cream on TV.
Elaine: Oh come on. If she's that superficial you don't want her.
George: Yes I do.
Elaine: So I guess you're not going to Todd's party on Friday.
George: Well I can't now, Gwen's going to be there.
Kramer: Well she should be the one that shouldn't go.
Jerry: Well if a couple breaks up and have plans to go to a neutral place, who withdraws? What's the etiquette?
Kramer: Excellent question.
Jerry: I think she should withdraw. She's the breaker, he's the breakee. He needs to get on with his life.
Elaine: I beg to differ.
Jerry: Really.
Elaine: He's the *loser*. She's the victor. To the victor belong the spoils.
Jerry: Well I don't care, I don't want to go anyway. I don't want to fight that traffic on Friday night.
Elaine: Well we can take the car service from my office.
Jerry: Really?
Elaine: Yeah, they don't know.
Kramer: All right, I'll see you later.
Jerry: Okay.
Kramer: (while eating a banana) Hey Georgie.
George: "To the victor goes the spoils." What are you going to do tonight?
Jerry: Oh I got a date with Laura the lineswoman.
George: Oh. (he stands there)
Jerry: Why? (George fiddles with the lock on the door.) Well what are you doing?
George: Well I was just going to wander the streets. Don't wanna tag along with you or anything.
Jerry: Oh, uh, do you want to come with us?
George: Jerry please, that's very nice, but, uh, (closes the door) where would we be going?
George: So, I've got ice cream all over my face. There were no napkins there. Whoever it was that's responsible for stocking that concession stand cost me a relationship.
Laura: They never have napkins there.
Jerry: Let's get the check. (Waves in the air) Is this uh considered signing? Do you do this when you want the check?
Laura: (does the same thing Jerry is doing) Yea.
Jerry: Really. I know a sign, that's my first sign.
Laura: Uh, oh. That couple is breaking up.
George: They're breaking up? How do you know?
Jerry: She reads lips.
George: What are they saying now?
Laura: "It's not you, it's me."
George: (Holding his drink up to his mouth) Oh my gosh, I just had a great idea. She could come to the party tomorrow and read Gwen's lips for me.
Jerry: (Puts his hand over his mouth) What?
George: (Puts nuts into his mouth, and in the process covers his mouth) We bring her to the party, and she can tell me what Gwen is saying about me.
Jerry: (Holds his drink up to his mouth) She's not a novelty act, George. Where you hire her out for weddings and bar mitzvas.
George: (Puts his hands on his face, rubbing his eyes) Look. It's a skill, just like juggling. She probably enjoys showing it off.
Jerry: (Puts his napkin over his mouth) I don't know George. I'm not sure about this.
George: (Puts his arms in the air, stretching, and covers his mouth with an arm) Could you ask her, just ask her. If she says no, case closed.
Jerry: (Puts his hand on his chin over his mouth) All right.
Jerry: Uh Laura, George was wondering if...
Laura: Sure. I'll do it.
Jerry: So I really had a good time.
Laura: Yeah, me too.
Jerry: So you want to go to the party on Friday night?
Laura: Yeah.
Jerry: All right, we're taking a car service. So we'll swing by and pick you up. How about six? (Laura looks offended). Six is good. (Laura looks offended and angry). You got a problem with six? (Laura opens the door and gets out). What? What?
Man: Okay listen up people. There are plenty of you here, but we've only got two spots to fill. Good luck.
Boy: (to Kramer) Hey pops, isn't there a better way to spend your twilight years?
Kramer: I may be old, but I'm spry.
Boy: The tryout lasts three and a half to four hours. Are you up for it?
Kramer: Oh I'll be up for it punk.
Jerry: See I was saying "six" but she thought I was saying "sex". We straightened the whole thing out though.
George: She confused "six" with "sex"?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Well if she can't tell "six" from "sex" then how is she going to lip read from across the room?
Jerry: Well "six" and "sex" are close.
George: It's two completely different sounds. "ih" and "eh".
Jerry: Eh.
George: It seems like a problem.
Jerry: Well I'm not dating any other deaf women.
Kramer: Hey guess who's going to be the new ball man for the finals.
Jerry: You're kidding.
Kramer: Yeah. They said they haven't seen anybody go after balls with such gusto.
George: Oh, when is that car service coming?
Jerry: In five minutes. He's then going to pick us up, then we're going to pick up Elaine, and Laura is going to meet us there.
George: If this lip reading thing works tonight do you know how incredible this is going to be? It's like having Superman for your friend.
Jerry: I know. It's like X-ray vision.
George: If we could just harness this power and use it for our own personal gain, there'd be no stopping us.
Newman: Hey, hey, hey. (to Jerry) I hear you've got some lip reader working for you. You gotta let me use her for one day. Just one day.
Jerry: Can't do it Newman.
Newman: But Jerry, we've got this new supervisor down at the post office. He's working behind this glass. I know they're talking about me. They're going to transfer me, I know it. Two hours, give me two hours.
Jerry: It's not going to happen.
Newman: (Sinister) All right, all right. All right you go ahead. You go ahead and keep it secret. But you remember this. When you control the mail, you control... information.
Jerry: Uh just pull over right there by the stop sign.
Driver: (The same driver as before) Pardon me sir?
Jerry: I said pull over by the stop sign.
Driver: I'm so sorry, you'll have to forgive me. I can't hear a damn thing. I went to that rock concert last night at the garden. My seats were right up agains the speaker. It's a heavy metal group. Metalla-something.
Kramer: -ca.
Driver: Huh?
George: What?
Jerry: ca.
George: ah.
Driver: My ears are still ringing. Some woman's idea of a joke.
Driver: Get out. Get out. Go on. Hey. Shut the door.
Jerry: You know the whole idea of taking the car service was so I wouldn't have to fight the traffic on Friday night.
Jerry: I know. I'm late. Hey now I know two signs, (puts his hand in the air) check, and (points to his watch) late. Hey this is the guy you helped become the first ball man.
Laura: Congratulations.
Kramer: She doesn't know what she's talking about.
Todd: Guys you made it.
George: Hey hey.
Todd: (to George) Hey buddy.
Jerry: Hey Todd.
Todd: Sorry to hear about Gwen.
George: Why? Did she say something to you about why she broke up with me?
Todd: Oh no. Tonight will be the first chance I've had to talk to her.
George: Really?
Todd: Look George, I'm friends with both of you. But I can't betray her confidence by telling you anything.
George: I wouldn't hear of it, Todd. It's none of my business. But you should try to find out everything you possibly can. In fact, I'll even stay all the way on the other side of the room just so there's no chance of me overhearing anything.
Todd: You are so centered.
George: Hey, grown-up. (they both chuckle, George notices Gwen enter the room) Oh my god, there she is. Go ahead, go ahead. (to the others) Let's go, let's go. All right what are they saying?
Kramer: "Hi Gwen, hi tide."
Jerry: Hi tide?
Kramer: Hi Todd.
Kramer: "You've got something between your teeth"
George: Wheret?
Kramer: No that's what he said. "That's interesting. I love carrots, but I hate carrot soup. And I hate peas, but I love pea soup." So do I.
Elaine: She's so wild. Can I borrow her for a few hours tomorrow afternoon?
Jerry: No. If I lend her to you I'll have to lend her to everybody.
Gwen: I don't envy you Todd. The place is going to be a mess.
Todd: Well maybe you can stick around after everybody leaves and we can sweep together.
Kramer: "Why don't you stick around and we can sleep together."
George: What?
Kramer: "You want me to sleep with you?"
Todd: I don't want to sweep alone.
Kramer: He says "I don't want to sleep alone." She says, oh boy, "love to."
George: Alright that's it. (George walks across the room over to them.) So you get rid of me and now the two of you are going to sleep together?
Gwen: What? You're crazy.
Kramer: "What? You're crazy."
George: I heard your whole conversation.
Gwen: How?
Kramer: "How?"
George: (looks back to the group) I can read lips. You said let's sleep together.
Gwen: No I didn't. I said "sweep". Let's sweep together, you know with a broom. Cleaning up.
Kramer: "... with a broom, cleaning up."
George: Sweep?
Gwen: Yes sweep.
Kramer: "Yes sweep."
George: Cut it.
Kramer: George says "Cut it."
George: Cut it.
Kramer: George is saying "Cut it."
George: Cut it. (goes back to the group) (Yelling) Would you stop signing?
Kramer: What?
George: She said "sweep together" you idiots, not "sleep together."
Kramer: I know how to sign.
George: Ow. My eye, my eye.
Elaine: It's so amazing getting to see Monica Seles playing in the finals.
Jerry: I know and on the first tournament of her comeback.
Jerry: Thus ends the great ball man experiment.
Driver: (The same driver as before) You with the tennis center?
Laura: Yep.
Driver: Hey how about that ball man injuring Monica Seles. Wasn't that something.
Laura: I'm deaf.
Driver: Oh. (Very suspicious look on his face.)
Jerry: I've always been a big fan of the little check move. You know (does the motion for the check) Check, Check. Unless the waiter isn't too shape then you gotta total it up. Sometimes they come over, "Do you want the check?" No I wanna be pen pals, can't you see what I'm doing here? I'm trying to be cool and impress people.