George: What is Holland?
Jerry: (also wearing a moustache) What do you mean, 'what is it?' It's a country right next to Belgium.
George: No, that's the Netherlands.
Jerry: Holland *is* the Netherlands.
George: Then who are the Dutch?
Jerry: (picking at his moustache) You know I cannot stand this thing anymore.
George: I know, I hate it too. I feel like an out of work porn star.
Jerry: I told you, we should have taken some kind of vacation.
George: Well why didn't we?
Jerry: Because you said this would be better. Remember? A vacation from ourselves. That's what you said.
George: What if we grew muttonchops?
Jerry: No.
George: Buzz cuts? Parachute pants!
Jerry: Stop it, George. Stop it. I'm sorry, you've gotta get a job.
George: (resigned) Dammit.
George: Hey hey hey, check me out, huh?
Jerry: No more crutches, that must be a relief.
George: Yeah, with crutches everyone has questions.
Jerry: Not with a cane?
George: Nah, with crutches it's a funny story, with a cane it's a sad story. You through with those?
Jerry: That is a sad story. Hey, you should have been here tonight. Some guy from NBC saw my set, he wants me to do a showcase. I might have another shot at a pilot.
George: Alright, we're back in!
Jerry: We? No.
Club Announcer: (off camera) Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Bania.
Bania: Thank you, thank you, (To Jerry) Hey, Jerry, did ya see me up there? I was killing, Jerry. Killing. I killed.
Jerry: Killed?
Bania: Killed. (pause) I'm gonna go pick up some chicks. Good-looking ones, too! (walking away) Hey, what's your name?
Jerry: Yeah, killed. Because I killed first and warmed up the crowd. He's like that fish that attaches himself to the shark.
George: And you're the shark?
Jerry: Yeah, I'm the shark and he's the fish eating my laughs.
George: I don't know how a fish could eat laughs.
Jerry: Well, I'm glad I brought it up.
Kramer: You got any shredded coconut?
Jerry: (looking at Kramer's moustache) Uh, we're not doing that anymore.
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, right. (walks out)
George: (on the phone) Oh my God.
Jerry: What?
George: I got a job interview. They want to see me this afternoon.
Jerry: So what's this job?
George: Oh, it's beautiful. It's in sports.
Jerry: Knicks? Rangers?
George: Playground equipment.
Jerry: Welcome back to the show.
George: Yeah haha.
Kramer: Yeah, this is better. So, you got any shredded coconut?
Jerry: No.
George: (holding his cane) I gotta hobble. (walks out)
Kramer: D-d-d-d. I gotta switch shaving creams. I'm getting no protection.
Jerry: What kind do you use?
Kramer: Whatever you get.
Jerry: (nods) Look, postcard from Elaine from Europe.
Kramer: Don't tell me she's dragging another poor guy across Europe.
Jerry: Remember David Puddy?
Kramer: Oh, the face-painting auto mechanic. So she's dating him again, huh?
Jerry: Well, I guess she's batted around and she's back at the top of the order.
Kramer: Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. (whistles) That guy's coming home in a body bag.
Puddy: Well, let's see, I've got a ten kroner, a five kroner, a twenty kroner? No wait, that's another ten kroner. A fimty kroner? How much is that?
Elaine: We have to break up.
Puddy: What?
Elaine: I can't take this anymore! I don't want to hear how interesting the change with the hole in it is! And if you tell me what time it is in New York again, you are going home in a body bag!
Puddy: Well what about you? What do you think The Gap in Rome has that's not in The Gap on Broadway?
Elaine: Okay, alright listen. Forget about The Gap because we are through!
Puddy: Fine!
Elaine: Fine!
Cab Driver: Okay, terminal three. Have a nice flight.
Captain: Ladies and gentlemen, our flight time, with stopovers, will be approximately 22 hours.
Elaine: (to flight attendant) Hey, you gonna bust out that drink cart or what?
Kramer: Hey, what are you doing?
Jerry: Oh, I'm taking this lace out. It came undone and touched the floor of a men's room. That's the end of that.
Kramer: Did you see Bania's set last night? 'Cause I read on the Internet he killed.
Jerry: He killed. He only does well when he has me for a lead-in. He's a time slot hit.
Kramer: Jerry, you gotta give him some credit. (starts rubbing a stick of Jerry's butter across his face) You're just being totally ridiculous. (keeps rubbing) I'll see you later buddy.
Jerry: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.
Kramer: What?
Jerry: Do I have to ask?
Kramer: I ran out of butter so I had to borrow yours. Anything else, Mr. Nosy?
Jerry: Why are you buttering your face?
Kramer: I'm shaving with it.
Jerry: Oh Moses smell the roses.
Kramer: Jerry, it's vastly superior to any commercial shaving cream. The shave is close and clean, and the natural emolients keep my skin silky-smooth. Now feel my face.
Jerry: No.
Kramer: Feel it.
Jerry: I don't want to.
Kramer: Feel it. Feel it.
Jerry: (places two slices of bread against Kramer's face) That is close.
George: I got the job?
Mr. Thomassoulo: George, everybody here at Play Now is very impressed with you. I, I'm sure you heard that.
George: Well, no.
Mr.Thomassoulo: Now I don't want you to think that anyone's gonna treat you any differently just because of your, uh, (clears his throat) handicap.
George: Handicap? (gesturing to his cane) Oh, I'm not handicapped.
Mr. Thomassoulo: I'm sorry. Differently, uh, advantaged.
George: Yeah, I didn't mean that.
Mr. Thomassoulo: Of course you will have your own private, fully equipped bathroom.
George: (shocked) When do I start?
Mr. Thomassoulo: Whenever you feel that you're able. (rises to show George out) Um, you need a hand here.
George: (Thomassoulo helps George get up) Yeah, what the hell.
Jerry: You got the job?
George: Jerry, it's fantastic. I love the people over there. They- they treat me so great. You know they think I'm handicapped, they gave me this incredible office, a great view.
Jerry: Hold on, they think you're handicapped?
George: Yeah, yeah, well, because of the cane. You should see the bathroom they gave me!
Jerry: How can you do this?
George: Jerry, let's face it, I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it. Name one thing I have that puts me in a position of advantage. Huh? There was a guy that worked at the Yankees- no arms! He got more work done than I did, made more money, had a wife, a family, drove a better car than I did.
Jerry: He drove a car with no arms?
George: All right, I made up the part about the car, but the rest is true. And he hated me anyway!
Jerry: Do you know how hard it's getting just to tell people I know you?
George: I love that bathroom. It's got that high, high toilet. I feel like a gargoyle perched on the ledge of a building.
Kramer: Hey! They hooked me up.
George: What's with all the butter?
Kramer: I'm shaving with it, and you know what I discovered?
Jerry: You can eat it?
Kramer: No, my face feels so good, I'm gonna use it all over my body.
Jerry: Oh my god, it's Bania and Jenna.
George: Who?
Jerry: The tooth brush in the toilet bowl.
Bania: Hey Jerry, this is Jenna. Pretty good-lookin' huh?
Jenna: Uh, Jerry's the guy that I dated right before you.
Bania: Oh. This is awkward.
Jenna: Don't worry, Kenny. After dating Jerry, you're a pleasure.
Jerry: I don't believe this.
George: You miss her, don't you?
Jerry: No! He's riding my coattails again. He's getting everything off me, first laughs now ladies.
George: You miss her.
Puddy: (to flight attendant) You know I think ultimately, I'm upset with myself. I knew what I was getting into, she's a bitter, unstable person. I mean the sex was good. I'm sure it was fine for her. I need more.
Elaine: (to another passenger) Huh. You believing this?
Passenger: Excuse me, I...I was sleeping.
Elaine: You missed quite a performance.
Passenger: (disbelieving) That's my apple juice.
Jerry: Someone's cooking.
Newman: Hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Hello, Newman.
Newman: You know, old friend, sometimes I ponder this silly gulf between us and I say, "Why?" Are we really so different. For what is-
Jerry: (cutting in) I'm not the one doing the cooking, Newman.
Newman: Damn you Seinfeld. You useless pustule. Um, somebody's got something on the griddle. maybe it's Kramer.
Jerry: No, he's up on the roof getting some sun with the butter (pauses) Oh no!
Newman: Butter?
Passenger: (explaining the coins to Elaine) This is the fimty kroner.
Elaine: (to passenger) Oh? You know my last boyfriend, he had a real kroner comprehension problem. Know what I mean? A real cement head.
Woman: David, you are so funny.
Puddy: Yeah, I know.
Elaine: (grabbing Puddy) What are you doing?
Puddy: It's a long flight, Elaine. I had to get on with my life.
Elaine: By making time with some floozy across the aisle?
Puddy: Yeah, that's right. Well, what's going on over there with you and, uh, Vegetable Lasagna?
Elaine: This guy? He's an idiot. he doesn't mean anything to me.
Passenger: (hereon known as Vegetable Lasagna) I can hear you.
Puddy: Well, she doesn't mean anything to me either. If it were up to me, we'd still be together.
Elaine: Well maybe I feel the same way.
Puddy: Ok.
Elaine: Ok, so now what?
Puddy: Let's make out.
Jerry: Kramer!
Kramer: Oh, man. I think I cooked myself.
Jerry: Look at your skin.
Kramer: Stick a fork in me, Jerry. I'm done.
Kramer: I'm fried.
Jerry: Technically, you're sauted. So, what are you doing for that?
Kramer: Well, I just gotta keep my skin moist so I don't dry out.
Jerry: Is that what the doctor said?
Kramer: No, I read an article in Bon Appetit magazine. (grabs a baster) I'll see you later.
Jerry: Yea.
Kramer: Hey.
George: Hey.
Kramer: How you doing? (Kramer leaves)
George: (sniffing) Hmm. Game hen?
Jerry: Kind of. Nice limp, you're bringing your work home with you?
George: No, I fake limp on my right. This is a real limp because I sprained my ankle.
Jerry: What happened?
George: Well, I was buttering myself up for a nice shave -
Jerry: Oh no, not you too?
George: I must have dripped some on the floor and I slipped and...
Jerry: You know what's good for that? Relish.
Jerry: Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. What? No. No! No! No!! No!!! Thank you. (Hangs up.) I don't believe this. They've added Bania to the network showcase and he's going on right after me.
George: So what, he's got a couple of good jokes.
Jerry: Oh, like what, Ovaltine? Why do dogs drink out of the toilet? Shopping carts with one bad wheel?
George: That's true, that always happens to me.
Jerry: You think that's funny?
George: I don't know, I like stuff you don't have to think about too much.
Jerry: You like Bania's act. You're a closet Bania fan!
George: Maybe I am.
Jerry: Oh, I'm gonna puke.
George: Puke! That's a funny word. Puke. (laughing) Puke! Don't have to think about that.
Elaine: I can't believe we broke up like that.
Puddy: It was stupid.
Elaine: Do you want something to read?
Puddy: No I'm good.
Elaine: Well, are you going to take a nap or -
Puddy: No.
Elaine: You're just going to sit there staring at the back of a seat?
Puddy: Yeah.
Elaine: That's it! I cannot take this! I mean, look at this, nothing has changed. We've been back together two hours, we're having the same problems we had 12 hours ago.
Puddy: Tell me about it, I don't know why I ever took you back.
Elaine: Oh, please! I took you back. You know it, I know it, Vegetable Lasagna here knows it.
Vegetable Lasagna: Please, please, I don't want to get involved.
Elaine: Ugh, I hope a giant mountain rises out of the ocean and we just ram right into it and end this whole thing!
Vegetable Lasagna: Oh God.
Passenger 2: Ow! Ow!!
Newman: How much longer you gonna be, I'm starving here.
Kramer: Just a few more squirts. Cause I gotta stay juicy.
Newman: That smell. It's still with you, huh?
Kramer: Yeah, it's baked on in. Hey, put another stick of butter in.
Newman: Here.
Kramer: Yeah, stir it up so it melts.
Kramer: Oh yea that feels good. Ahh, now I'm simmering.
Newman: I'll meet you at the coffee shop.
Mr. Thomassoulo: Good morning, George.
George: Good morning, sir.
Mr. Thomassoulo: Is there something wrong with your other leg?
George: Oh, no, that's just the old, uh, the old handicap acting up.
Mr. Thomassoulo: But your cane's on the wrong side.
George: Oh well, that's, uh, that's just because we're, uh, standing on opposite sides.
Mr.Thomassoulo: Huh?
George: Yeah, see, uh, when we met, I was over there and, uh, you were over here, so the image, uh, the image was reversed, like, uh, like in the mirror.
George: See? This looks right to you, doesn't it?
Mr. Thomassoulo: Uh, yeah, I guess.
George: (passes cane from right to left and back a few times) But, see here. Right. Wrong. Right. Wrong. Right. Right. Wrong-
Mr. Thomassoulo: Will you stop it, George? Just stop it! I think I can see what's going on here.
George: Well, you're not gonna believe what happened.
Jerry: You mugged Stephen Hawking?
George: Play Now thinks I got problems in both legs. My own personal Rascal, Jerry. On the house.
Jerry: Well it must be comforting to know you'll be going straight to hell at no more than three miles an hour.
Jerry: Hello?
Elaine: Jerry.
Jerry: Hey, Lainie, how's the trip going?
Elaine: Awful. This trip was a *huge* mistake. Huge!
Vegetable Lasagna: Please don't shout. I can't take it.
Jerry: Who's that?
Elaine: It's Vegetable Lasagna.
Jerry: Who?
Elaine: Vegetable Lasagna!
Vegetable Lasagna: My name is Magnus.
Elaine: Shut up or I'll snap you in half and stuff you in the overhead!
Jerry: Get me some duty free Kahlua.
George: How's the trip?
Jerry: Sounded good.
George: Well. Gotta motor.
Jerry: Hey, if you got any juice left, you might wanna roll by the big showcase tonight.
George: Ah, you still going on in front of Bania, eh?
Jerry: That's right, and I'll tell you what. I'm feeling a little off.
George: What are you talking about? (Jerry grins) You're not!
Jerry: That's right, I'm taking a dive.
George: You're throwing the set?
Jerry: I'm laying down! Then we'll see how he does up there, without all the assistance.
George: Listen Jerry. With all due respect, Bania's voice is the voice of a new generation. My generation.
Jerry: We're four months apart.
George: Nevertheless. His time has come.
George: Now if you will kindly help me unwedge my front wheel, I'll be on my way.
Newman: Butter. Kramer. Butter. Kramer.
Kramer/Turkey: (waving wing) Hey buddy.
Kramer: Jerry, what are you doing? George tells me you're gonna throw your set?
Jerry: That's right, Choochie. Let's see how Bania does without the cushy timeslot.
Club Announcer: (OC) Ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Seinfeld!
Jerry: If you'll excuse me.
Kramer: Whoa, man!
Jerry: (OC) Hey everybody! Who's ready to laugh?
Jerry: What's the deal with lampshades? I mean if it's a lamp, why do you want shade?
Jerry: And what's with people getting sick?
Newman: Hee hee! Yeah yeah!
Jerry: I mean, what's the deal with cancer?
Man In Audience: I have cancer!
Kramer: Oh, tough crowd.
Man: Hey, hey! You dented my ride.
George: Whatcha got there, the 4-volt? Heh, I did you a favor.
Man: How about I do you a favor upside your head?
George: Oh yeah?
Man: Oh yeah.
Man: Hey!
Woman: Get the bikes.
Bania: Ouch.
Kramer: Well, that wasn't so bad, huh?
Jerry: What are you talking about? I bombed!
Kramer: No, you had some good stuff. The cancer bit? I mean, it was edgy, it was not my sort of thing but some of those people out there, they really liked it.
Jerry: Like who?
Kramer: Well, that guy who yelled out.
Jerry: He *had* cancer!
Kramer: And laughter is the best medicine.
Jerry: Hey, sorry Kenny. Guess you got your work cut out for you.
Club Announcer: (OC) Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Bania!
Kramer: Hey, Jerry, he could have used your laugh. He was a big turkey out there.
Newman: (salivating) Turkey?
Kramer: A big fat turkey.
Newman: I'm sorry I missed that.
Kramer: I tell ya, he worked so hard and then he just-
Kramer: What is this, oregano?
Kramer: Look at me! I'm all covered in oregano and Parmesan, and it's sticking to me because of the butter! Look at me!
Newman: Here. Hold this.
Kramer: What is this, parsley?
Jerry: Ah, the sweet stench of failure.
Kramer: Ah you bit me. Get off of me, get off of me!
Man: Now I got you!
Mr. Thomassoulo: George? Your legs!
George: Are you a religious man, sir?
Mr. Thomassoulo: No.
Man: Eat hickory!!
Bania: Hey Jerry, didja see it?
Jerry: Ouch.
Stu: Kenny! There you are. Jay Shermak and Stu Crespi from NBC. Listen, Kenny. Really funny out there.
Jerry: What?
Jay: That thing you did having the two guys running through? I love stuff you don't have to think too much about.
Stu: Give us a call. We want to be in the Kenny Bania business.
Jay: By the way, Jerry? The suspenders? A little hacky.
Bania: How about that Jerry? First you had a pilot on NBC and now I'll have one. Looks like I'm following you again.
Jerry: Oh, I'm gonna puke.
Bania: Puke? That's a funny word. Can I use that?
Elaine: David, this has been the worst month of my life and if I never see you again it'll be too soon.
Puddy: Ditto.
Elaine: Oh that's origi-
Puddy: Go to Hell.
Elaine: 86th and Broadway please.
Cab Driver: I'm sorry lady, there's a cab shortage. The Transit Police are making everybody share.
Elaine: Oh no.
Vegetable Lasagna: Hello! (sees Elaine) Oh no. I'm sorry.
Elaine: Noooooooooooo!


[Scene: In the Play Now office]
Thomassoulo: George, you're not really handicapped, are you?
George: Ive had my difficulties.
Thomassoulo: I saw you running down Amsterdam Avenue lifting that 200 pound motorized cart with one hand.
George: Mr. Thomassoulo during times of great stress, people are capable of super human strength. Have you ever seen the Incredible Hulk, sir?
Thomassoulo: No
George: How about the old Spider Man live action show?
Thomassoulo: George, Ive realized weve signed a one-year contract with you, but at this point I think its best that we both go our separate ways.
George: I dont understand.
Thomassoulo: We dont like you. We want you to leave.
George: Clearer
[Scene: At Monks Caf]
Jerry: So you're staying at Play Now?
George: Why not? Pay is good. I got dental, private access to one of the great handicapped toilets in the city.
Jerry: But they not you arent handicapped, arent you ashamed?
George: They're the ones who should be ashamed. They signed me to a one-year contract. As long as I show up for work every day, they have to pay me.
Elaine: Hey
Jerry & George: (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o!
George: Hello-o-o-o Elaine!
Elaine: Whats that?
Jerry: Oh, its just this stupid thing.
Elaine: Well, Im sure its stupid. Its not about me, is it?
Jerry: (doing the voice) No-o-o-o.
George: (doing the voice) Not at all.
Elaine: Tell me!
Jerry: All right. You know this girl Clare I am seeing?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: Well, he and I starting joking that when she falls asleep her stomach stays awake all night and talks to me.
Elaine: How is it talking?
Jerry: Well, her belly button is like a mouth. (doing the voice) Im bored. Talk to me.
Elaine: Oh I gotta start taking these "stupid" warnings more seriously.
Jerry: Hey, look whose here - Puddy.
Elaine: My Puddy? But we broke up.
Jerry: And yet he continues to live.
Puddy: Hey Benes, How are you?
Elaine: Im doing great.
Puddy: Great. (pauses) See ya.
Jerry: Well, that's it. You two are back together.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: The bump into. The bump into always leads to the backslide.
Elaine: David and I will not be getting back together.
Jerry: Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You cant do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.
George: That's beautiful.
Elaine: What about you? You were even engaged, and you cut it off just like that.
Jerry: That's different. I didnt have feelings for those people. But you, you'll backslide
Elaine: You want to bet?
Jerry: Stakes?
Elaine: 50
Jerry: Dollars?
Elaine: All right. Witness? (looks at George).
George: Witness.
Jerry: Done.
George: Percentage?
Jerry & Elaine: No.
[Scene: At Jerrys apartment]
Clare: So Ill call you tonight?
Jerry: Yeah.
Clare: Whats wrong with the belt?
Jerry: I went to the movies last night, I went to the bathroom and I unbuckled a little wobbly and the buckle kind of banged against the side of the urinal. So(throws away belt) that's it!
Clare: So, you're insane?
Jerry: Oh yes, quite.
Kramer: Hello!
Jerry: Of course its a sliding scale.
Clare: Catch you later.
Kramer & Jerry: (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o! (haha)
Jerry: (doing the voice) La la la.
Kramer: (doing the voice) La la la.
Kramer: Look at this, they are redoing the Cloud Club.
Jerry: Oh, that restaurant on top of the Chrysler building? Yeah, that's a good idea.
Kramer: Of course its a good idea, its my idea. I conceived this whole project two years ago.
Jerry: Which part? The renovating the restaurant you dont own part or spending the two hundred million you dont have part?
Kramer: You see I come up with these things, I know they're gold, but nothing happens. You know why?
Jerry: No resources, no skill, no talent, no ability, no brains.
Kramer: (interrupts) No, notime! Its all this meaningless time. Laundry, grocery, shopping, coming in here talking to you. Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?
Jerry: I can ball park it.
Elaine: (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o!
Kramer: Here we go; now she comes in. Now my whole day is shot!
Jerry: Hey, I called you last night, where were you?
Elaine: (looking VERY guilty) I went out with a (fake cough) a friend.
Jerry: George?
Elaine: (looking guiltier) No, nono.
Jerry: Well, I was here, that's everyone (laughing).
Elaine: (laughing).
Jerry: Are those the same shoes as yesterday?
Elaine: Oh, you know I wear these shoes all the time.
Jerry: Your hair, its somewhat de-poofed.
Elaine: Its the new look. You know Heroin Cheek?
Jerry: Wait a second, whats going on here?
Elaine: Nothing, nothing.
Jerry: (screams).
Elaine: (screams).
Jerry: You're wearing the same clothes as yesterday!!! (pauses) You saw Puddy!
Kramer: Hoochie moochie. (haha)
Jerry: Hand it over. Pay up.
Elaine: No! Its an isolated, sexual incident. We are not back together!
Jerry: Then what do you call it? People dont just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't cinemax.
Elaine: It was no big deal OK? I mean we fooled around, then we went out and grabbed a little dinner.
Jerry: Ah, dinner! That's it, you're all the way back!
Elaine: Ugh!
Jerry: Sex, that's meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that's heavy. That's like an hour.
Kramer: (still reading the paper) Man, 2.9 percent financing on a Toyota Onedun (Sp?). That was my idea too!
[Scene: At Play Now]
George: Good Morning!
Co-Worker: Go to hell!
George: Hi Allison, that's a nice dress.
Allison: Dont even look at me.
George: Hey Glenn!
Glenn: Hey, go tell hell!
George: Heard that one already.
[Scene: At Jerrys apartment]
Kramer: So that's the bedroom. Heres the bathroom. If you need to, you can familiarize yourself with the kitchenYeah, go ahead and look through some of the drawers.
Jerry: And you are?
Darren: Oh, hey, Im Darren. Im new here.
Kramer: Yeah, that's Jerry, you dont have to worry about him. Why dont you go across the hall and get started on that mail.
Darren: Right!
Kramer: Hes a go getter!
Jerry: Who'she?
Kramer: My intern from NYU. Well, you remember my corporation, Kramerica Industries.
Jerry: Alright.
Kramer: Well, apparently NYU is very enthusiastic about their students getting some real world corporate experience.
Jerry: But you only provide fantasy world corporate experience.
Kramer: Well, this will really free up my time so I can focus on more important things, like my bladder system.
Jerry: Alright, its time to go.
Kramer: Jerry, its not for people, its for oil tankers.
Jerry: (sarcastically) I know!
Kramer: You see the idea is for a rubber ball inside the tanker so if it crashes, the oil wont spill out.
Jerry: Actually, that is not a bad idea.
Kramer: (smiles) yeah.
Jerry: Now, its time to go.
Jerry: Hello
George: (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. (Hes sitting on the floor in his Play Now office).
Jerry: (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. (pauses) So, whats going on?
George: Siege mentality, Jerry. They really want me out of here. Theyve downgraded me to some sort of a bunker. Im like Hitlers last days here.
Jerry: So, are you going to leave?
George: Oh no! Im vigilant. Theyll never get me out. Im like a weed, Jerry.
Jerry: I thought you're like Hitler in the bunker?
George: Im a weed in Hitlers bunker.
Jerry: Im getting a little uncomfortable with the Hitler stuff. (his other line beeps) Im getting another call, see ya(answers call) Hello!
Darren: Hi, this is Darren from Kramers office. Mr. Kramer would like to schedule a lunch with you at Monks coffee shop.
Jerry: (looking shocked) Really? When?
Darren: In 10 minutes. Do you need directions?
Jerry: No, I dont.
Darren: Well, Ill call back in 5 minutes to confirm.
Kramer: Yeah, 5.
Elaine: Hey!
Jerry: Hey! So, wheres my money?
Elaine: No money, I am Puddy free. So, are we eating or what?
Jerry: Oh yeah, hold on.
Jerry: Hello Darren, this is Jerry from Jerrys office. (Elaine is looking confused). Were going to be three for lunch. (Elaine is still looking confused) What do you mean hes already left?
Jerry: Hey, Elaine is going to come with us, alright?
Kramer: What? When did this happen?
Jerry: Well, just
Kramer: (yelling) DARREN!
[Scene: At Elaines apartment]
Elaine: I am not calling Puddy. What did I do with my gloves? Oh, I bet I left them over at Puddys. I should call him. I need those gloves. No, I better not. Ill call. (looks at table) Oh, look at that! There are the gloves. I was just about to call. There they are. That's funny. That's really funny. That's really really funny. You know who loves funny stories, David Puddy. (Picks up phone).
[Scene: At Monks Cafe]
George: Well, Play Now is through playing. They turned the heat way up in my office. They tried to sweat me out.
Jerry: Do you have to write all this stuff down.
Darren: Well, Mr. Kramer is in a meeting with Mr. Lohmase and he didnt want to miss anything.
Jerry: So, how hot did it get?
George: I dont know, 120, 130Then they sent some guys to sandblast for 6 hours. Tomorrow they are putting in asbestos.
Jerry: I guess you can take anything, but actual work.
George: Bring it on!
George: (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o Kramer!
Jerry: (doing the voice) Wel-l-l-c-o-m-e!
George: (doing the voice) La la la.
Kramer: Sorry I couldn't get out of there, what did I miss? (asking his "intern")
Darren: Well, after ordering, Mr. Seinfeld and Mr. Costanza debated on whether or not iron man wore some sort under garment between his skin and his iron suit
Kramer: Uh huh
George: (Interrupts) And I still say hes naked under there!
Jerry: Oh that makes a lot of sense.
George: Oh, shut up!
Darren: Then Mr. Seinfeld went to the restroom, at which point Mr. Costanza scooped ice out of Mr. Seinfelds drink with his bare hands using it to wash up (Jerry is taking a sip of water and looking mad) then Mr. Costanza remarked to me, "This never happened." (Jerry then spits out the water).
[Scene: At Jerrys apartment in his bed]
Jerry: (giggling)
Clare: Whats so funny?
Jerry: Oh, nothing. (still giggling)
Clare: What are you laughing about? Tell me.
Jerry: Oh all right, this is really dumb, really stupid. Weve been doing this silly, dumb voice.
Clare: So is it fun humiliating me?
Jerry: No, its not you. Its your stomach, hes taking with this funny, booming, jovial voice. (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o.
Clare: So you think Im fat?
Jerry: No its
Darren: Mr. Kramer says, "hey buddy!"
Jerry: Hey, were kind of in the middle of something here. Would you mind coming back later?
Darren: Oh yeah sure, sure. Should we set something up now?
Jerry: (Screams) GET OUT!
Clare: Im leaving too.
Jerry: No body said you're fat. Hes a loving character, like the Kool-ade guy.
Clare: He is fat!
Jerry: No, hes just a little bloated.
Clare: Good-bye!
Jerry: Its mostly water weight.
Kramer: Boysenberry, the kid is still learning.
Darren: Mr. KramerDean, my internship is on line two, she wants to set up a meeting.
Kramer: Yeah, well nothing before noon.
Jerry: Line two?
Kramer: Yeah, your phone is line one.
Jerry: Oh
[Scene: At Elaines apartment]
Puddy: So the gloves were right by the phone. That is pretty funny.
Elaine: See, this is what Jerrys doesnt understand. We can see each other. We can see each other every day, but it doesnt mean we are back together.
Puddy: I mean I love just seeing you and having sex.
Elaine: Yeah.
Puddy: Not having to do all thatyou knowwork.
Elaine: Well, either way
Puddy: All that calling you, and buying you stuff
Elaine: David
Puddy: Caring about how everyone at work isn't as smart as you. Its brutal.
Elaine: Alright that's it! Were back together!
Puddy: Oh, no.
Elaine: Oh, yeah.
Puddy: Look Elaine, be reasonable.
Elaine: Get those clothes off. You're going to spend the night and were going to cuddle.
Puddy: What?
Elaine: You heard me. Strip!
[Scene: At Play Now]
George: (whistling).(laughing).AlrightOK.
George: (on phone calling secretary) Hello Margery, George Costanza. How are you sweet heart? Listen, can you give Mr. Thomassoulo a message for me? Yes. If he needs me, tell him (screams) IM IN MY OFFICE! Thanks.
[Scene: At NYU]
Kramer: Dean Jones, you wanting to talk to me?
Dean Jones: Ive been reviewing Darrens internship journal. Doing laundry
Kramer: Yeah.
Dean Jones: Mending chicken wire, hi-tea with a Mr. Newman.
Kramer: I know it sounds pretty glamorous, but its business as usual at Kramerica.
Dean Jones: As far as I can tell your entire enterprise is more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken.
Kramer: And with Darrens help, well get that chicken.
Dean Jones: Im sorry, but we cant allow Darren to continue working with you.
Kramer: Well, I have to say this seems capricious and arbitrary.
Dean Jones: You fly is open.
[Scene: At Jerrys apartment]
Jerry: So you're sure you're not still angry about last night?
Clare: No, Im fine. Just as long as you dont ever do that voice again.
Jerry: Never?
Clare: Never.
Jerry: What about if you're not around?
Clare: No!
Jerry: So I have to choose between seeing you and doing the voice?
Clare: That's right.
Jerry: I can do that.
Clare: So whats your decision?
Jerry: I dont know.
Clare: JerryHI.
Jerry: (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. La-la-la. (haha)
[Scene: At Jerrys apartment]
George: You broke up with her? Why?
Jerry: So we could do the voice. (doing the voice) La-la-la. Whats the matter?
George: I think Im getting tired of it. I mean is that all it does? Hello? La-la-la?
Jerry: No, it can do anything. It can be Spanish. (doing the voice) Hola. Hello-o-o-o.
George: I think I like the girl better than the voice.
Jerry: Really?
Jerry: (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o.
Elaine: Still?
George: I told you.
Elaine: Alright, here you go, choke on it (hands him money).
Jerry: See, never bet against the backslide. I knew you two would get back together.
Elaine: Yeah, well not for long. Im breaking up with him.
Jerry: No, I dont think so. Ive seen you two together. You make each other miserable. Its kismet.
Elaine: Double or nothing.
Jerry: Done.
George: (talking from bathroom) Witness?
Jerry: You're in there again.
George: I think Play Now is putting something in my food.
Elaine: Alright, Im out of here.
Jerry: What is this? (Kramer is wearing jeans that look like it doesnt fit him).
Kramer: I dont know. I found them in your closet. Ever since Darren left I haven't been able to find anything. He took all my clothes to some cleaners. Im clueless. (looks at clock) Is that clock right?
Jerry: Yeah. Nine oclock.
Kramer: I was supposed to pick up Newman at the zoo twelve hours ago.
Jerry: (doing the voice) Good-bye Kramer.
Kramer: Jerry, buddy, I got to tell you something. That voice is played.
Jerry: Really?
Kramer: So played.
George: I told you.
[Scene: Hallway, Darren is knocking on Kramers door]
Kramer: Darren? What are you doing here? The college canceled the internship.
Darren: I dont care about the internship. I care about Kramerica.
Kramer: Kramerica is no more.
Darren: What about the oil tanker bladder system? We were going to put an end to maritime oil spills.
Kramer: Probably. Darren, you go home. Forget about Kramerica.
Kramer: Well, you're still here?
Darren: I haven't had time to leave.
Kramer: Well, I haven't changed my mind.
Kramer: Well, you are a tenacious little monkey. Alright, Ill do it. Kramerica industries lives! Lets get back to work!
Kramer: Lets see what Jerry has to eat.
[Scene: At Play Now in the bosses office]
Thomassoulo: You win George. Weve had it. If you leave right now, Play Now will give you six months pay. That's half of your entire contract. Pleasejust go.
George: You see if I stay the whole year, I get it all.
Thomassoulo: Want to play hand ball huh? Fine. (calls on intercom) Attention Play Now employees, George Costanzas handicapped bathroom is now open on the sixteenth floor to all employees and their families.
George: Well played.
Thomassoulo: Ill see you in hell Costanza.
[Scene: At Jerrys apartment]
Jerry: (on the phone with Clare) Clare thanks for giving me a second chance. Our relationship is certainly worth more than some silly, stupid voice. Hold on one second. (George walks in Jerry asks George) So we definitely dont want to do the voice anymore? (George shakes his head NO) Alright, were back together again, great. Bye bye.
[Scene: Hallway Kramer & Darren are pushing an oil tank]
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Trouble down at the plant?
Kramer: Its a tank of oil. Darren and I are finally going to test out my bladder system.
George: You have to drink that whole thing?
Kramer: No. No. No. Its for oil tankers. All I need to do is fill some sort of rubber container with oil and then drop it to see whether or not it can restrain the impact.
Jerry: I understand (not really understanding, lol).
George: Would a giant rubber ball work?
Kramer: Conceivably.
George: Well, Play Now has all kinds of different rubber balls. Why dont we test your bladder system at my office?
Jerry: You're not
George: Oh, yes I am. Mr. Thomassoulo likes to play dirty. Well, theres nothing dirtier than a giant ball of oil.
[Scene: At Monks Cafe]
Puddy: Hey, you want to split a root beer (I think that's what he says)?
Elaine: I dont think so David, were through.
Puddy: OhThat's a nice sweater (Elaine smiles).
[Scene: At Elaines house the two are in bed]
Elaine: Whew that was a dozy.
[Scene: At Jerrys apartment]
Jerry: Go again?
Elaine: Book it.
George: (again from bathroom) Witness.
[Scene: At Elaines apartment]
Elaine: David I know this hurts, but its the way it has to be (Puddy is giving her a look like hes going to still get some).
[Scene: At Jerrys apartment]
Jerry: Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.
[Scene: Jerry and Elaine at the movies]
Elaine: Im going to get some popcorn.
Scene: At Jerrys apartment]
Elaine: So, how did it end?
Jerry: They got away.
Elaine: uh.
[Scene: At Elaines apartment]
Elaine: Listen David, Ive got to run. Can you lend me fifty bucks?
[Scene: At Play Now]
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Did you bring the video camera?
Jerry: Yeah, I put a six hour tape in. That should cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial. Alright, Ill see ya.
George: Oh, you might want to stick around Jerry. Mr. Thomassoulo picked the wrong man to hire because he was fake handicapped.
Jerry: I cant. I got to meet Clare.
Kramer: You gave up the voice?
Jerry: Yeah, I thought it was stupid. Unless you guys are liking it again.
Kramer & George: No. No
Jerry: Darren?
Darren: Sorry Mr. Seinfeld.
Jerry: Uh, bathroom.
George: Hey, use mine. Ill let you in.
Jerry: I thought it was open to the public.
George: I uh, took care of that.
Jerry: Wow! Zanadu . No wonder you're putting in so many hours. (looks at urinal) May I?
George: I insist. Ill fix us a drink. (phone rings who would that be?) I got it.
Kramer: Whew. You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day Id be standing here about to solve the worlds energy problems, I would've said you're crazy Now lets push this giant ball of oil out the window.
George: So, check out my view.
Jerry: Wow! Hey, theres Clare. I better go down.
George: Hey, theres Kramer & Darren.
Jerry: Theres the giant ball of oil. Clares right underneath that thing. Clare! Hello-o-o-o! Hello-o-o-o! Hello-o-o-o!
Clare: I dont believe this. I am not looking up if you're going to do that voice.
Kramer: Bombs away (Uh oh).
Jerry: This is going to be a shame.
George: Hello.
Kramer: Well, that didnt work. Hey, how about thisketchup and mustard in the same bottle?
Darren: Oh that sounds interesting sir.
Kramer: Yeah.
[Scene: At Monks Caf]
Jerry: Clare won her lawsuit against Play Now. Gee, Play Now is filing for bankruptcy. I guess you're not going in anymore.
George: Yeah.
Jerry: So they're not paying you your
George: No.
Jerry: So you're pretty much
George: Yeah.
Jerry: What ever happened to Darren?
Kramer: Darren is going away for a long long time.
Jerry: So Clare sure looked real funny covered in oil like that (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o I got beamed with a giant ball of oil
George: (doing the voice) Im slippery as an eel
Kramer: (doing the voice) La la la.
Jerry: Im just so glad its back.
(Scene: At Elaines apartment in bed with Puddy AGAIN)
Elaine: See, this is good. This is the way it should be. You know why are we fooling ourselves. We belong together.
Puddy: ELAINE I want to break up.
Elaine: Ah nuts!


Frank: I got no leg room back here. Move your seat forward.
Estelle: That's as far as it goes.
Frank: There's a mechanism. You just pull it, and throw your body weight.
Estelle: I pulled it. It doesn't go.
Frank: If you want the leg room, say you want the leg room! Don't blame the mechanism!
George: All right, Dad, we're five blocks from the house. Sit sideways.
Frank: Like an animal. Because of her, I have to sit here like an animal! Serenity now! Serenity now!
George: What is that?
Frank: Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say, 'Serenity now!'
George: Are you supposed to yell it?
Frank: The man on the tape wasn't specific.
George: What happened to the screen door? It blew off again?
Estelle: I told you to fix that thing.
Frank: Serenity nowww!
Patty: So I told Bobby and Lisa that we'd try the new Chinese Spanish
Jerry: Oh, I thought we had tickets for the Knicks home opener.
Patty: Well I thought this would be more fun so I gave the tickets away.
Jerry: What? All right, fine.
Patty: Are you mad at me?
Jerry: No, I love a good Chinese Spanish whatever it is.
Patty: You know... I've never seen you mad.
Jerry: I get peeved.
Patty: Mad.
Jerry: Miffed.
Patty: *Mad*.
Jerry: Irked?
Patty: I'd like to see you get *really* mad.
George: Why does she want you to be mad?
Jerry: She says I suppress my emotions.
George: So what do you care what she thinks.
Jerry: Good body.
George: She probably gets that impression because you're cool. You're under control. Like me. Nothing wrong with that.
Jerry: But I get upset, I've yelled. You've heard me yell.
George: Not really. Your voice kind of raises to this comedic pitch. (Kramer enters)
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Kramer, I am so sick of you comin' in here and eatin' all my food. Now shut that door and get the hell out of here!
Kramer: (Laughing) What is that, a new bit?
George: I told ya. Hey, any of you guys want to come out and help me fix my father's screen door in Queens?
Jerry: Sorry, I'm fixing a screen door in the Bronx.
Kramer: I'll do it.
George: Really? You wanna come?
Kramer: Yeah, I love going to the country.
Elaine: Where are they goin'?
Jerry: Fix a screen door in Queens.
Elaine: (Laughing) That's funny. Hey, listen, what are you doin' Saturday night?
Jerry: Not goin' to the Knick game.
Elaine: I need someone to go with me to Mr. Lippman's son's Bar Mitzvah.
Jerry: You know, if you don't bring a guest they save a catering. You should be able to buy a cheaper gift.
Elaine: (Taking out Boggle) Oh, I don't think that's possible.
Kramer: (Holding camera) Get in a little closer. I can't see the screen door. (Takes picture) Perfect.
George: Dad, the hinges are all rusted here. That's why the wind keeps blowing the door off.
Estelle: I hate that old door. Throw it out!
Frank: Serenity now!
Kramer: It might be time to just let her go, Frank. She's worked hard for ya.
Frank: Will you put her to rest for me?
Kramer: Oh yeah, I'll take good care of her. (Rips out the screen door)
Estelle: (From other room) Get George to put those boxes in the garage.
George: Dad, what's all this?
Estelle: (From other room) It's junk.
Frank: My computers. I've been selling them for two months now. Shut up!
George: You're selling computers?
Frank: Two months ago, I saw a provocative movie on cable TV. It was called The Net, with that girl from the bus. I did a little reading, and I realize, it wasn't that farfetched.
George: Dad, you know what it takes to compete with Microsoft and IBM?
Frank: Yes, I do. That's why I got a secret weapon... my son.
Jerry: Damn it, they gave me cream! I asked for nonfat milk!
Patty: I think they have 1% over there.
Jerry: 1%?! They can kiss 1% of my ass!
Patty: OK, Jerry, enough. I'm not buying it.
Jerry: You're damn right you're not buying it!
Patty: You shouldn't have to try. It's just being open.
Jerry: I'm open. There's just nothing in there.
Patty: Sarcastically) Uh huh.
Jerry: Oh, you think I'm lying about this?
Patty: I think you are.
Jerry: Well, I'm not.
Patty: Yes, you are, liar.
Jerry: Oh, stop it.
Patty: OK, liar.
Jerry: That's enough!
Patty: Ooh, that was good.
Jerry: Really? It felt good.
Elaine: Congratulations, Mr. Lippman.
Lippman: Oh, Elaine. My boy's a man today. Can you believe it? He's a man.
Elaine: Oh, congratulations, Adam. (Adam zealously French-kisses Elaine)
Adam: I'm a man!
Jerry: Tongue?
Elaine: Yeah.
George: Wow! I didn't try that 'til I was 23.
Jerry: Well this kid's not just a man. He's a man's man.
Elaine: And I think he's been telling his friends. I got invitations to six more Bar Mitzvahs. (phone rings)
Jerry: Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. No, no, no, I do not want to stop over in Cincinnati. Well, then you upgrade me. That's right, you should thank me. Goodbye. (Hangs up) Hey, I'm flyin' first class.
Elaine: Where did that come from?
Jerry: Patty showed me how to get mad. You gotta problem with that?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: Good.
George: All right, relax, tough guy. I got to go out to my father's garage, help him sell some computers.
Jerry: What? The two of you workin' in that garage is like a steel cage death match.
George: Kramer.
Kramer: Yeah.
George: What-what are you doing?
Kramer: Oh, I'm putting up Frank's screen door. This beauty's got a little life in her yet.
Jerry: What do you need it for?
Kramer: (Closing door) The cool evening breezes of Anytown, USA. Let's see how this baby closes. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
George: Morning, ma.
Estelle: (From another room ) You're late!
George: Morning, dad.
Frank: I'm not 'dad' in the workplace. My professional name is Mr. Costanza, and I will refer to you as 'Costanza'. Morning, Braun.
Lloyd: (Handing Frank coffee) Morning, George. Two cream, no sugar.
George: What is Lloyd Braun doing here?
Frank: Your mother recommended him.
George: Yeah, of course she did. That's all I ever heard growing up is 'Why can't you be more like Lloyd Braun?' Did you know he was in a mental institution?
Frank: I didn't read his resume.
Lloyd: (Ringing the sale bell) Another sale, Mr. Costanza. Chalk me up on the big board.
George: (Inquiring about the chalk board) What is this?
Frank: (Drawing a zero under George's name) This is your lagging. Good work, Braun.
Estelle: (From another room) Good for you, Lloyd!
Elaine: So Adam, I just talked to your father, and, apology accepted.
Adam: I'm not apologizing. It was great. I told everyone.
Elaine: Yeah, I know. Uh, by the way, could you do me a favor and tell Mitchell Tanenbaum that I will be unable to attend this Saturday.
Adam: Are you free Friday night?
Elaine: I am, but that is not the point. You are thirteen, and I am in my early... 20s.
Adam: But I'm a man. The rabbi said so.
Elaine: No. You are not a man. It takes a *long* time to become a man. I mean, half my friends aren't even there yet.
Adam: Well, if I'm not a man, then this whole thing was a sham! First, they said I was gonna get great gifts, and then, somebody gives me Boggle. I renounce my religion!
Lippman: Who wants cookies?
Adam: As of this moment, I am no longer Jewish. I quit!
Lippman: What?
Elaine: (Eating) Walnuts, mmmmmm.
Frank: You're late again, Costanza, so listen up. Starting tonight, we're having a little sales contest. The loser gets fired, the winner gets a Waterpik.
Estelle: (From another room) You're not giving away our Waterpik!
Frank: Serenity now!
George: You know what? It doesn't matter, because I quit!
Frank: I guess your mother was right. You never could compete with Lloyd Braun! (Lloyd rings his sale bell and smiles)
George: You wanna sell computers? I will show *you* how to sell computers! Hello, Mr. Farneman. You wanna buy a computer? No? Why not? All right, I see! Good answer! Thank you! (Lloyd rings his sale bell) Serenity now!
Elaine: Adam, you don't become a man overnight. Look at your father. It takes time. Patience, experience. Uh, several careers of varying success. And these are things I look for in a man.
Adam: (Storming out of the room) Well, that does me a lot of good. 'Early 20s'!
Elaine: Well, I'm sorry, sir, I tried.
Lippman: So, that's the type of guy you're looking for?
Elaine: Uhh. I guess so. Why? (Mr. Lippman vigorously starts making out with her)
Patty: (Surveying Kramer's hall patio ) What is this?
Jerry: (Knocking on Kramer's door) Anytown, U.S.A. Hello? Is Kramer home? Oh, hey.
Kramer: (Spraying his flowers) Hello, neighbor.
Jerry: Boy, those azaleas are really coming in nicely.
Kramer: Oh, you gotta mulch. You've got to.
Jerry: You barbecuing tonight?
Kramer: (Ringing his wind chimes) Right after the fireworks.
Jerry: So, where do you want to eat tonight?
Patty: How about La Caridad again?
Jerry: Again!? How much flan can a person eat!?
Patty: Jerry, you've been yelling at me all afternoon.
Jerry: Well, I don't think more flan is the answer!
Patty: Maybe I should just leave.
Jerry: 'Maybe'!?
Patty: Good-bye!
Jerry: Double good-bye! (As Patty leaves, open door reveals Kramer, sitting on his lawn chair with a sparkler)
Kramer: Hey, buddy!
Elaine: (Coming in Jerry's apartment) Hey. Happy New Year!
Kramer: (Getting the door slammed on him) Y'all come back reeeaall...
Elaine: Did you and Patty just break up?
Jerry: Yeah! In fact, she broke up with me! And I don't want to talk about it!
Elaine: Well, then you're free tonight. You know what, I heard about this great place called La Caridad.
Jerry: That's the last thing she said to me. She wanted to go there also, but I wasn't in the mood.
Elaine: Whoa. What is the matter?
Jerry: It's Patty.
Elaine: Jerry, you break up with a girl every week.
Jerry: (Crying) What-what is this salty discharge?
Elaine: Oh my God. You're crying.
Jerry: This is horrible! I care!
Jerry: Patty won't call me back. I don't know if I can live without her.
Kramer: She's really gotten to you, hasn't she?
Jerry: I don't know what's happening to me.
Kramer: Simple. You let out one emotion, all the rest will come with it. It's like Endora's box.
Jerry: That was the mother on Bewitched. You mean Pandora.
Kramer: Yeah, well, she... had one, too. (George enters)
George: Jerry, can I talk to you for a second? (They enter Jerry's apartment)
Kramer: (Baseball flies at Kramer and hits him) That's it, that's it! I warned you kids. I told you not to play in front of my house. This time, I'm keepin' it. And you're not getting back your rock either!
George: (hearing Jerry broke up with Patty) Are you still down in the dumps? Come on. It's just a chick.
Jerry: You ever heard of a little thing called feelings?
George: Well, I got just the thing to cheer you up. A computer! Huh? We can check porn, and stock quotes.
Jerry: Porn quotes... I'm so lucky to have a friend like you, George. Ever tell you how much I love you?
George: What?
Jerry: I love you, George. Come here.
George: I-I'm already here. I'm here. I'm here. Uh, you know what? If you want a computer, call me. I-I gotta go.
Jerry: Go wherever you want. I'm still gonna love you.
Kramer: Look what they did. Look what they did to my house! I turn my back for two seconds, and they put shaving cream all over my door. You, I see you! I'll teach these kids a lesson. Where's that house I put under your sink?
Jerry: Hose under my sink. I love *you*, Kramer!
Kramer: I love you, too, buddy, and George-
George: I don't want to hear it, Kramer!
Kramer: Listen, when I give you the signal, I want you to turn this water on full blast.
George: What signal? What-what signal?
Kramer: I'll yell, uh, 'Hoochie mama!'
George: If I do it, will you buy a computer?
Kramer: On the signal, George. On the signal.
George: Only if you buy. I gotta make a sale.
Jerry: I love you, Costanza.
George: Will you shut up?!
Kramer: Now! Now, George! Turn on the faucet! George, turn on the faucet! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mamamaaaaa!
Elaine: So now the *other* Lippman kissed me.
George: Well, sure. They're Jewish, and you're a shiksa.
Elaine: What?
George: It means a non-Jewish woman.
Elaine: I know what it means, but what does being a shiksa have to do with it?
George: You've got 'shiksappeal'. Jewish men love the idea of meeting a woman that's not like their mother.
Elaine: Oh, that's insane.
George: I'll tell you what's insane the price that I could get you on a new desktop computer.
Elaine: I am not buying a computer from you.
George: There's porn.
Elaine: (Pausing) Even so.
George: Damn it!
Elaine: Don't get me wrong, Mr. Lippman. I-I'm very flattered that you found me attractive enough to... lunge at me. Huh. But the only reason you like me is because I'm a shiksa.
Lippman: That's simply not true.
Elaine: If you weren't Jewish, you wouldn't be interested in me.
Lippman: You are wrong. I'll prove it.
Elaine: Oh, no. Don't!
Lippman: I renounce Judaism!
Elaine: Oy vey!
Jerry: What happened to you, pal?
Kramer: Joey Zanfino and some of the neighborhood kids. They ambushed me with a box of 'Grade A's.
Jerry: Are you all right?
Kramer: Oh, no. I'm fine. Serenity now. Serenity now. Serenity now.
Jerry: So, you're using Frank's relaxation method?
Kramer: (Trying to open a back of chips) Jerry, the anger, it just melts right off. Serenity now. Look at this. Serenity now!
Elaine: (Enters) Hey, what happened to you?
Kramer: Serenity! (He exits)
Elaine: Well. You are not gonna believe this. Now Lippman is renounced. This shiksa thing is *totally* out of control. What is *with* you people? What are you looking at?
Jerry: Sit down, Elaine.
Elaine: Oh, no. Jerry, I can't take any more gentle sobbing.
Jerry: I've been thinking about what it means to be complete.
Elaine: Do you have an apple or anything?
Jerry: Look at us, hurtling through space on this big, blue marble.
Elaine: Or a nectarine? I would absolutely love a nectarine.
Jerry: Looking everywhere for some kind of meaning...
Elaine: Why am I in such a fruit mood? Ahh, banana!
Jerry: When all the while, the real secret to happiness has been right in front of us!
Elaine: What?
Jerry: Elaine...
George: (Entering Jerry's apartment with a cartload of computers) Jerry, I've found a way to beat Lloyd Braun! I buy the computers myself, I store 'em in your apartment. Then, after I win the contest, I bring 'em all back and get my money back. Ha ha! It's brilliant. What? What's wrong with your leg?
Jerry: I'm asking Elaine to marry me.
George: (Leaving) I'll store these over at Kramer's apartment.
Jerry: Elaine?
Elaine: Uhh, Jerry, I've got a lot goin' on with, uh, Lippman right now.
Jerry: Lippman?
Elaine: (Trying to get her bag to leave) Yeah, and him too. What?! Oh, yeah! I think George is calling me, so I'm gonna go give him a hand. Come on! Come on!
Jerry: Can I help you?
Elaine: No. Stay! Stay. Stay.
Frank: Hey, Braun, Costanza's kicking your butt!
George: (using the phone) Watch how it's done. Oh, hello, Mr. Vandelay? Would you like to buy a computer? Oh, really? Two dozen?
Frank: Costanza, you're white hot!
Phone: If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and-
Frank: Hey, Braun, I got good news and bad news. And they're both the same you're fired. Costanza, you've won the water pik!
Estelle: You're not gonna give away that water pik!
Frank: You wanna bet? Serenity now, serenity now!
Lloyd: You know, you should tell your dad that 'serenity now' thing doesn't work. It just bottles up the anger, and eventually, you blow.
George: What do you know? You were in the nut house.
Lloyd: What do you think put me there?
George: I heard they found a family in your freezer
Lloyd: Serenity now. Insanity later.
Jerry: What happened here, Kramer?
Kramer: Serenity now, serenity now...
Jerry: Kramer!
Kramer: Geez! Jerry, I didn't here you come in. Yeah, the children, they've done sum redecorating. Serenity now, serenity now.
Jerry: You don't look well.
Kramer: Well, that's odd, 'cause I feel perfectly at peace with the world- uh! eggs! you! Serenity now, serenity now, serenity now.
Jerry: Oh, I'm sorry. Look at me, I stepped on your last rose.
Kramer: (going into his apartment) Jerry, come on. Don't get upset about it. There's always next spring. Now will you excuse me for a moment. Serenity nooooooooww!
George: Jerry! I did it! Haha! I beat Braun!
Kramer: (crashing and banging in his apartment) Serenity now!
George: Come on, wanna give me a hand with the computers?
Kramer: (Crashing and banging around) Serenity nooooowwwww!
George: Why couldn't you squeeze one of those stupid rubber balls to get your stress out? Why did you have to destroy *twenty-five* computers?
Kramer: (Leaving) George, you listen to me. I owe ya one.
Jerry: He's incorrigible. You want to talk about it?
George: Oh, please don't tell me you love me again, Jerry, I can't handle it.
Jerry: George, letting my emotions out was the best thing I've ever done. Sure I'm not funny anymore, but there's more to life than making shallow, fairly-obvious observations. How about you?
George: All right... here goes...
Elaine: Rabbi, is there anything I can do to combat this Shiks-appeal?
Rabbi: Ha! Elaine, shiks-appeal is a myth, like the Yeti, or his North American cousin, the Sasquatch.
Elaine: Well, something's goin' on here, 'cause every able-bodied Israelite in the county is driving pretty strong to the hoop.
Rabbi: Elaine, there's much you don't understand about the Jewish religion. For example, did you know that rabbis are allowed to date?
Elaine: (About to leave) Well, what does that have to do...?
Rabbi: You know, a member of my congregation has a timeshare in Myrtle Beach. Perhaps, if you're not too busy, we could wing on down after the High Holidays? Elaine? 'Lainie?
George: So, that's it. All of my darkest fears, and... everything I'm capable of. That's me.
Jerry: Yikes. Well, good look with all that.
George: Where you going? I-I thought I could count on you for a little compassion.
Jerry: I think you scared me straight.
Elaine: All right, Jerome, I'm in.
Jerry: What?
Elaine: Maybe we should get married. Maybe everything we need is right here in front of us. Jer... let's do it.
Jerry: I tell ya, I don't see it happening.
Elaine: What? What happened to the new Jerry?
Jerry: He doesn't work here anymore.
Elaine: Oh, well that's just *great!*
George: I love you, Jerry.
Jerry: (Leaving) Right back at ya, Slick.
George: You know, all these years, I've always wanted to see the two of you get back together.
Elaine: Well, that's because you're an idiot.
Frank: You single-handedly brought Costanza and Son to the brink of bankruptcy.
George: Well what about all the Lloyd Braun sales?
Frank: He's crazy. His phone wasn't even hooked up. He just liked ringing that bell.
Estelle: I told you to clean out this garage. I have to put my car in!
Frank: This is a place of business. I told you never to come in here. Serenity now!
Estelle: All right...
George: Dad, you really should lay off the 'serenity now' stuff.
Frank: So, what am I supposed to say?
George: 'Hoochie mama'?
Estelle: Move your crap, I'm comin' in!
Frank: No you're not! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mama!


Jerry: Are you sure you can't stay longer?
Morty: No, we just came for the funeral. `
Helen: Poor Marvin Kessler, he went too early.
Jerry: He was 96 years old.
Morty: That had nothing to do with it, the man was out of shape.
Helen: That's why we joined a program. We walk once around the block three times a week.
Morty: And every morning I eat a plum.
Jerry: Well, what ever you do, you're wearing me out.
Helen: What about you?
Morty: Yeah, looks like you're getting a little spare tire there, tiger.
Jerry: Really?
Kramer: Hey, Seinfelds!
Morty: Hey, Mr. Kramer!
Kramer: How long are you staying?
Helen: We just came down for a funeral.
Kramer: Oh yeah, yeah I heard, Marvin Kessler. Boy, that makes you think. If he could go...
Helen: See you downstairs with the car.
Jerry: Are you sure you don't need a hand with that?
Morty: No no, the luggage is on the program. I got a brick in here.
Jerry: Did you give blood?
Kramer: No, not giving. hoarding. I'm storing it in to a blood bank. Just in case.
Jerry: In case of what?
Kramer: Jerry, I know myself. If I'm out on the street and it's starts to go down, I don't back off until it's finished.
Jerry: Are we finished?
Kramer: Done.
Vivian: Elaine, I'm so glad you came out.
Elaine: Yeah...
Vivian: You haven't seen Jimmy for years.
Elaine: I know, I'm glad I got to see him before he hit puberty and got, you know all lurchy and awkward.
Vivian: Actually, I'm gonna need someone to look after him tomorrow evening.
Elaine: Tomorrow evening, sure.
Vivian: Do you know anyone responsible?
Elaine: Do I know anyone??
Vivian: Well, if you think of anybody, give me a call.
George: What are you doing?
Tara: Incense, for the mood.
George: Oh yes, by no means, the mood. Let me know if there's anything I can do to lend support to the mood.
George: Um, cream soda?
Tara: Vanilla.
Elaine: Can you believe that, Vivian doesn't think I'm responsible?
Jerry: Who wants to responsible? When ever anything goes wrong, the first thing they ask is who's responsible for this?
Elaine: I couldn't raise a kid? Come on, I love bossing people around.
Jerry: What happened, I thought you were with Tara tonight?
George: I was, I had to leave. She lit some vanilla incenses. The smell drove me nuts, all I could think about was food, I had to get out of there. We need some pudding here! Pudding!
Elaine: You just left? What did you tell her?
George: I told I had a bus transfer that was only good just for another hour.
Jerry: What?
George: I don't know, I was starving Jerry!
George: Oh, pudding! You want some?
Jerry: Hey, you guys think I'm getting a little...chunky?
George: What are you kidding? We look great! You know what this pudding needs? The skin on the top, you know like your mother used to make it on the stove.
Jerry: Elaine, what do you think?
Elaine: I think you're getting a little pudding under the skin yourself.
Kramer: My service rates went up? You banks are all the same with your hidden fees and your service charges. Well, maybe I'll just take my blood elsewhere, yeah.
Bank Employee: Well, we can transfer to another bank for you.
Kramer: Oh, no no no...no more banks. I'm keeping my blood in my freezer with...my money!
George: So eh, what do you say?
Tara: I guess we could use some food in our lovemaking.
George: Ok, we got your...got your strawberries, your chocolate sauce, your pastrami on rye with mustard, your honey...
Tara: Wait wait wait, pastrami on rye with mustard?
George: Oh yeah yeah, don't you know they used pastrami in that movie 9? weeks? Remember the pastrami scene?
Tara: No.
George: Well, maybe it was Ghostbusters? Where ever it was, it worked!
Jerry: Didn't go for it, huh?
George: No.
Jerry: So, she didn't appreciate the erotic qualities of the salted cured meats?
George: She tolerated the strawberries and the chocolate sauce, but eh, it's not a meal, you know? Food and sex, those are my two passions. It's only natural to combine them.
Jerry: Natural? Sex is about love between a man and a woman, not a man and a sandwich.
George: Jerry, I'm not suggesting getting rid of the girl. She's integral.
Jerry: Maybe instead of trying to satisfy two of your needs, how about satisfying one of somebody else's.
George: Hey, speaking of which, I found a great way to separate the skin from the top of the pudding without leaving any around the edges; Exacto knife.
Jerry: I told you George, no more pudding. I'm starting a purification program. Keep all that kind of food away from me.
George: Well, I guess these would be out of the question. (pulls out two pudding skins in plastic bags.)
Jerry: What the hell is that?
George: Pudding skin singles.
Kramer: Hey buddy, I'm borrowing all your Tupperware.
Jerry: Oh, why?
Kramer: I closed down my account at the blood bank.
Jerry: What, it...it's here in the building?
Kramer: Right across the hall. What, you wanna go see?
Jerry: No I don't! In fact, if even one corpuscles of that blood should find it's way across that hall I will freak out on you Kramer! Freak out.
Kramer: You know, for a fat guy you're not very jolly.
Elaine: Hey, working out?
Jerry: You know it and I ditched all my junk food.
Kramer: What the heck is going on here?
Jerry: Sorry buddy, clean house. It's all health food.
Kramer: Well, I may have to take it, but I don't have to like it.
Elaine: Vivian left me a message. I guess a certain someone changed her mind about whether someone was responsible enough to watch certain other someone.
Jerry: Is this about me?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: Oh, then I lost interest.
Elaine: Vivian, hi it's Elaine. Yeah, I'm over at Jerry's, I got your message...What? Yeah, he's right here, hold on...(hands the phone to Kramer.)
Kramer: For me? Go...Yeah, what tonight? Yeah, I'll be there...Yeah later. (puts the phone down) Well, somebody's baby-sitting.
Elaine: You? I'm more responsible than you are!
Kramer: Don't be ridiculous. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to fill my freezer with my own blood.
George: Oh, Tara!
Kramer: Hello, Vivian! Oh, this is a nice screen.
Elaine: Kramer...
Kramer: Don't take my money!
Elaine: It is me, you idiot. Hi, all right you've got to get out of here, I'm gonna baby-sit the hell out of that kid.
Kramer: No, I'm the baby-sitter.
Elaine: No no no, you're out, I'm in. Now, hit the road.
Vivian: Elaine? What are you doing here?
Elaine: Kramer is actually sleeping one off, so I thought that I'd help out...(Kramer moans from the bushes) what's that, some raccoon or something...(hits Kramer with a broom.)
Vivian: Well, I guess this would be all right. Jimmy, you remember Elaine? She's gonna watch you tonight.
Elaine: Hi Jimmy. (Jimmy kicks Elaine to the shin.) Ouch! (The screen door hits her in the head.)
Jerry: Hey, what are you doing here? I thought you were baby-sitting at Vivian's.
Kramer: There was an incident.
Jerry: Oh no, where's the blood? (opens the fridge) It's in here isn't it?
Kramer: Would you stop it.
Jerry: What is this?
Kramer: It's Jell-O.
Jerry: What about this? This is blood isn't it?!
Kramer: This is tomato juice, look...(drinks from the bottle.)
Jerry: Ooh, you're sick! You're sick!!
Kramer: Will you calm down. I took all my blood down to Newman's. He let me put it in his meat freezer.
Jerry: Hey, what's going on? Who made pudding?
Kramer: Oh yeah yeah, George he came by and made more of those pudding skin singles. They're delicious.
Jerry: Damn that George, I told him I don't want this stuff around here anymore...
Kramer: Heads up!
Jerry: Aaah...
Jimmy: You're dead, president Lincoln! You're dead!
Elaine: I wish I was dead.
Jimmy: Can I have your juice?
Elaine: As long as you don't put...
Elaine: Thanks for the re-fill.
Vivian: Hey, Elaine! How did it go?
Elaine: Oh, he's...he's a joy...
Vivian: Really? Some sitter have told me he's bit of a handful.
Elaine: Oh, handful of sunshine. I wish I could do this every day.
Vivian: Oh Elaine, that's so good to hear. I've been having a few health problems lately.
Elaine: It's not serious, is it?
Vivian: Well, it might be. Just in case anything does happen, it's nice to know there's somebody like you around.
Elaine: Oh yeah, that eh...that is nice to know. (Pours the juice from the bag back to glass.)
Jerry: Aah!
Kramer: It's ok, Jerry. I'm right here.
Jerry: I can see that! What happened?
Kramer: That knife, it nicked your jugular. You know Jerry, when somebody yells 'heads up', you're not supposed to actually look up.
Jerry: I'll remember that.
Kramer: Anyway, you were lucky that I was there. You lost a lot of blood.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Oh yeah, you've got three pints of Kramer in you, buddy.
George: Three pints of Kramer's blood?
Jerry: I can feel his blood inside of me. Borrowing things from my blood.
George: Well, so much for purification week.
Jerry: So, how's the fornicating gourmet?
George: Doing quite well, thank you. Yesterday I had a soft boiled egg and a quickie. You know what? If I could add TV to the equation, that would really be the ultimate.
Jerry: George, we're trying to have a civilization here.
Elaine: Hey.
Jerry: Hey, how was baby-sitting?
Elaine: Oh, just great. I found out that Vivian has some kind of medical problem and if the worst happens she wants me to take care of Jimmy.
Jerry: Oh, I'm sure it won't be the worst.
Elaine: It doesn't matter. If anything happens to her, I'm on deck! Scissors mishap, air show disaster, chinese organ thieves...it's a dangerous world.
George: She's right, I heard Kramer got mugged out on the suburbs on a baby-sitting gig.
Jerry: Really?
Kramer: Look at this, look at the hair on the back of my neck. It's all bramble, see it's like thicket back there. Look, I need somebody to shave it for me, huh?
Jerry: I'm not touching that thing.
Kramer: Well, I have to say I'm very surprised and disappointed - blood brother.
Jerry: Oh, no...
Kramer: What? Jerry, I gave you my blood. Listen to your pulse, (takes Jerry hand) hey buddy-hey buddy-hey buddy...
Jerry: Kramer, I'm not shaving your neck.
Kramer: So, my blood is not enough. Would you like a kidney too, because I'll give it to you? I'll rip it out right here and stack it on the table!
Jerry: All right, all right I'll do it, sit down.
Kramer: No no no, I don't have time right now. I'll catch you tonight, we'll do sort of an all over kind of thing, all right?
Jerry: Hello?
Helen: Kramer called, he told that you were in a hospital.
Jerry: Kramer called you?
Helen: He calls every week. Are you all right?
Jerry: Yes, I'm fine.
Helen: He says he's fine.
Morty: Tell him to eat a plum.
Helen: Jerry, you really have to take better care of yourself. We bought you some session with a personal trainer.
Jerry: I don't need a personal trainer. (Kramer comes in) all right I've got to go, we'll talk about this later.
Morty: Plum...(Jerry hangs up.)
Jerry: Why are you calling my parents?
Kramer: Well, maybe if you called more often, I wouldn't have to. Listen, is it all right if I watch a tape in here?
Jerry: Why here?
Kramer: Well, I'm taping Canadian Parliament, you know on C-Span.
Jerry: Ok...
Kramer: Is it all right if I watch it in your bedroom, cause your bed is really nice?
Jerry: Fine...
Kramer: Ok!
Jerry: No no no no no no no no no no! I do not want that in here!
Kramer: Blood!
Jerry: All right.
Izzy: Hello, dough boy.
Jerry: Mr. Mandelbaum? You're the personal trainer?
Izzy: I'm here to whip you in to shape, so grab your jocks - if you need one. It's go-time.
Vivian: Elaine? Elaine?
Elaine: Oh, hi, oh God. I didn't here you come in.
Vivian: Where's Jimmy?
Elaine: I don't know, I don't know...we had HoHos for dinner and then eh...and then he put this plastic bag over his head and started running around until he got tired and then he laid down somewhere I...I tell you I'm no good watching that kid.
Vivian: Sleeping like an angel. Elaine, you're the best.
Elaine: No! I'm a scatter brain. That's why I probably can't hold a job or keep a man!
Vivian: Be quiet. So, will you watch Jimmy tomorrow?
Elaine: All right, but I'm running out of purses here. (takes her purse from a punch ball.)
Jerry: Ok Mr. Mandelbaum, what you want me to do?
Izzy: Don't get puss honey, and pick up that medicine ball.
Jerry: Is this a gym, or some kind of fitness museum?
Izzy: Not funny, over your head with it. Are you ready?
Jerry: For what?
Izzy: All aboard in the pain train!
Jerry: How many session did my parents paid for?
Izzy: Not enough to make a man of you, daffodil.
George: Oohoho...spicy mustard...woohoho, you're hot tonight!
Tara: Oh, George!
George: And now for the trifecta. (Picks up a hand held TV and gets back under the covers.)
Tara: George? George? What are you doing?! (Pulls the covers off. George is eating a sandwich and watching TV.)
George: Pleasuring you?
[5A. Kramer And Newman Are Making Sausages. Tape Recorder Plays Jackie Davis: Manana. Jerry comes in.]
Jerry: What is this?
Kramer: We're making sausages.
Jerry: I thought you were gonna watch a video.
Kramer: Yeah, an instructional video about how to make your own sausages.
Jerry: Kramer, I'm not in a mood for this.
Kramer: All right, all right. Newman, let's go grab some mail sacks and haul these beauties out of here.
Jerry: Blood over there, sausages over here. I'm living in a slaughter house.
Izzy: Tonight I want you to sleep on this. Toughens the vertebrae. (Looks at the sausages) What in holy hell? Sausages? Is this your diet?
Jerry: No they're not mine Mr. Mandelbaum...
Izzy: Don't lie to me, butter bean. We're taking it up a notch.
Jerry: So, the free love buffet is over?
George: I got greedy. Flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami.
Jerry: Yeah, that's what you did...I can't believe I got another session with Izzy Mandelbaum, he's probably makes me box a kangaroo.
Jerry: What's going on?
George: I don't know. This sandwich is making me flush.
Jerry: Oh no, I'll tell you what you did Caligula; you combined food and sex in to one disgusting uncontrollable urge.
George: I think you're right. You gonna eat that?
Jerry: No, but please tell me that's all you're gonna do with it.
Elaine: Jerry, I tell you; if this woman dies, it is going to be a major inconvenience.
George: These fries are really really good...
Jerry: All right, that's enough of that. (Jerry takes the plates and hands them to a waitress.)
Elaine: I mean I can't shake this woman. You know, now I have to go to Jimmy's birthday party.
George: Uuh, sleepy.
Elaine: No matter what I do, I cannot weasel out of raising this kid.
Jerry: Well, sleepy here is quite a weasel, maybe he can bat for you.
Elaine: Yeah, that's what I need; a pinch weasel.
Kramer: Why did you get rid of that sausage?
Jerry: It wasn't me, it was Mr. Mandelbaum.
Kramer: Yeah well, Newman's not happy, he booted me out of his freezer. Look, I've got to take my blood back to the bank, can I borrow your car?
Jerry: What's wrong with yours?
Kramer: I got no A/C and I gotta keep the blood cold or it'll go bad.
Jerry: All right, but this is it, this is the last favor, we're even!
Kramer: All right, Even Steven. Oh, by the way, when you get back to your apartment try to keep it down because Newman is taking a nap in your bed.
Kramer: Oh, man...(looks to the glove compartment for a manual.) "If the engine begins to overheat, turn off air conditioner". Never, I can't do that.
Kramer: Oh, mama...
Kramer: Shees, come on...(opens the radiator)..this thing is bone dry. (Looks at the blood.)
Elaine: Vivian...
Vivian: Elaine!
Elaine: Hi! This is my friend George.
Vivian: Hi...
Elaine: I'm gonna go say hi to Jimmy.
Vivian: Ok.
Elaine: (whispering to George) You're up.
Vivian: Oh, isn't Elaine fantastic?
George: Yes she is. It's a pity we won't be seeing much more of her.
Vivian: Really, why?
George: Oh, you haven't heard, she's going to live with her grandparents in Redding Pennsylvania.
Vivian: Her grandparent passed away five years ago.
George: Yes they did. I was covering. Elaine has been deported back to Scotland.
Vivian: She's American citizen, I have seen her passport.
George: All right, no more lies. Elaine is been chosen to represent the Upper West Side in the next Biosphere project.
Vivian: I haven't heard anything about another Biosphere.
George: That's because it's underwater.
Vivian: This is insane.
George: Is it?
Vivian: Yes it it.
George: Well, it's all for charity, so what's the difference.
Vivian: You...very knowledgeable.
George: Well, I'm also an architect. Is that pastrami?
Vivian: Yes it is. I find the pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted cured meats. Hungry?
George: Very.
Vivian: Oh, wait...(Vivian turns the TV on.) Oohh...
George: Vivian!!
Jerry: Is this really necessary?
Izzy: If you wanna live in a butcher shop, I'm gonna treat you like a piece of meat.
Jerry: What if I can't keep up?
Izzy: You lie, you dry. Fire it up, son.
Izzy Jr.: Right dad, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum...
Izzy & Izzy Jr.: Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum...(Izzy Jr. drives ahead, but the car starts jerking)
Izzy: Move it, move it! Get those knees up! Come on, kick it, kick it!
Jerry: What's going on?
Izzy Jr.: There's something wrong with your car. It's dripping something on my feet. Some kind of red liquid.
Jerry: Oh my God, the blood!
Izzy Jr.: Blood!!
Izzy: Get up boy, get up! We got a problem here! Tough it up. This is for real, you've got to want it...
Elaine: So how long did they drag you?
Jerry: Well, for the first quarter mile they thought that I was just doggin' it.
Elaine: Hi George. Hi Jimmy.
George: Yeah, Jimmy why don't you wait outside, you know, play with something.
George: Ouch!
Jerry: What's the kid doing here?
George: I'm baby-sitting! Vivian asked me to raise him if she doesn't make it.
Jerry: Oh, that's a drag...
Kramer: That kid...
Jerry: You put blood in the car?!
Kramer: Jerry, it was overheating. You should take better care of that thing.
Jerry: Well, they told me that I got more blood, so I guess I owe you again.
Kramer: You didn't get the blood from me.
Jerry: Then who?
Newman: Hello Jerry.
Jerry: Aaaaahhh...!!!
Jerry & Kramer: Aaaahhh...!!!
Jerry, Kramer & Newman: Aaaaahhh...!!!


Jerry: (on the phone) Yeah. Yeah. All right. Uh-huh.
George: (knocking on the counter and feigning a muffled, Chinese voice) Chinese food!
Jerry: (hanging up the phone) Oh! There's my Chinese food, I gotta run. All you.
George: Who was it?
Jerry: I did a show for a car dealership and they're getting me a new SAAB.
George: What about your old car? They couldn't get Kramer's blood out of it?
Jerry: No, the engine clotted. You know who set this whole thing up for me? Frank Merman.
George: Fragile Frankie Merman? I never liked that guy.
Jerry: Why? He's harmless.
George: Every summer you guys went to camp together. I was jealous. Felt like he was the summer me.
Jerry: He was not the summer you. Besides, you had a summer me. Whitey Fisk, the guy who snuck you into Last Tango in Paris.
George: I made him up.
Jerry: So you never saw Last Tango in Paris?
George: No.
Jerry: Too bad. It was erotic.
Kramer: (enters) Well... I've had it with these jackbooted thugs!
Jerry: 'Pottery Barn'?
Kramer: I got three 'Pottery Barn' catalogs in one day. That makes eight this month.
George: (holding a magazine cover) Mira Sorvino. Think she'd go out with me?
Jerry: Why don't you just throw 'em out?
Kramer: Oh, no. I've been saving them up here in your apartment. And now, it's payback time. 'Pottery Barn' is in for a world of hurt.
Jerry: (taking a catalog) Can I have one? I need one of those old-looking phones. So you wanna grab a bite?
George: I can't. I gotta make the weekly call to the folks.
Jerry: So call now.
George: I gotta prep. I need a couple of anecdotes, a few you-were-right-abouts. It's a whole procedure. Wasn't Fragile Frankie the one that used to run into the woods every time he got upset?
Jerry: That's him.
George: Is he still nuts?
Jerry: What do you think? They gave me a new car for thirty minutes of 'So, who's from out of town?'
Puddy: (finishing eating) Seriously, is this the best okra you've ever had, or what?
Elaine: Mmm. De-lish.
Puddy: Delish?
Elaine: Delish. You know, short for delicious.
Puddy: Oh, like scrump.
Elaine: Yeah.
Puddy: (leaving) I'm gonna be late. See ya later.
Jack: Excuse me, can I borrow your ketchup?
Elaine: (passing him the ketchup) Oh, sure.
Jack: Thank you.
Estelle: (answering the phone) Hello?
George: Hey, it's Georgie.
Estelle: Let me put your father on the phone.
George: Ma!
Frank: Who is this?
George: Dad, it's me. Hey, listen, I was at Fortunoff's the other day, and, you know what, you were right.
Estelle: (feigning a Chinese, muffled voice) Chinese food.
Frank: (hanging up) Sorry, George, our Chinese food just came. Talk to you later.
George: Chinese food?
Kramer: (throwing his catalogs in the Pottery Barn store) Hey, you like sending out catalogs!? How do you like gettin' 'em back!?
Jerry: So, maybe they had Chinese food?
George: After dark? Please. At their age, that's like swallowing stun grenades.
Jerry: Well, there's one way to check. Where there's Chinese food, there's leftovers.
Elaine: (enters) Well, gentlemen. Lainie is... in love.
George: That's dynamite. Yeah, I'll look for the Chinese food leftovers.
Elaine: Hey, hey, hey! I met this guy! And it was like this, totally unreal, fairy tale moment.
Jerry: It wasn't Whitey Fisk, was it?
Elaine: Oh, George's friend. Whatever happened to him?
George: Nothing. Uh, I don't know. I gotta go.
Jerry: So, this is beautiful. You, and Puddy, and this new guy, in a big pot of love stew.
Elaine: Oh, yeah... Puddy. Well, I won't fire him until I see if this new guy can... handle the workload.
Kramer: (entering Jerry's apartment) Will you look at this? More catalogs! 'Omaha Steaks', 'Mac Warehouse', 'Newsweek'?! I can't stop all these companies, so, I'm gonna attack this problem at the choke point.
Jerry: Stop the mail?
Kramer: That's... even better!
Frankie: Jerry!
Jerry: Hey, Frankie! So, where's the car?
Frankie: This is it.
Jerry: Inside the van?
Frankie: It is the van! Don't you remember, we always talked about how cool it would be to have a van and just drive?
Jerry: We were ten.
Frankie: Come on. Let's take it for a spin.
Jerry: I don't want a van.
Elaine: Well, just tell him you want the SAAB.
Jerry: You don't understand. This is Fragile Frankie Merman. When we were in camp, if you upset him, he'd run out to the woods, dig a hole, and sit in it.
Elaine: Well, I have an idea. Keep the van, and get a bumper sticker that says, 'If this vans a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'.'
Jerry: Always helpful.
Estelle: Oh, Georgie, what are you doing here?
George: Just dropped in for a visit. You, uh, you never called me back.
Estelle: Uh... the phone broke.
Frank: Well, we got to get moving.
George: What? Where are you going?
Frank: We have a catered affair.
George: You're going like that?
Frank: (leaving the kitchen) It's creative black tie. Move, woman.
George: (checking the fridge) No Chinese leftovers. George is gettin' suspicious.
Jack: Elaine, I'm sorry I'm late.
Jack: I'm gonna be in the can.
Elaine: Okay, Jack. (to the cashier) Can I use your phone?
Cashier (Ruthie Cohen): Sure.
Elaine: (over the phone) Puddy? It's Elaine. We're through. Yeah, that's right. Again.
Frankie: (in the van with Jerry) Nice captain's chairs, huh?
Jerry: Aye, aye.
Frankie: Oh, there's a spot. Just back up.
Jerry: Hold on. There must be a truck backing up.
Frankie: No, that's us.
Jerry: Great. You know, Frankie, I was wondering. What if I decided that it's silly to drive a van, because, you know, I live in New York City. Is there maybe some way I could exchange it?
Frankie: You don't like the van?
Jerry: No, no, no. Just hypothetically.
Frankie: I gotta go to the park.
Jerry: No! No, you don't! No woods. I love the van. I'm a van guy.
Kramer: (showing Jerry his mailbox) Check it out. Rain and sleet may not stop them, but let's see them get by... these bricks.
Jerry: Where'd you get the bricks?
Kramer: Jerry, the whole building is brick.
Jerry: So you want to take a ride with me out to Jersey? I'm gonna try to sell the van to a lot.
Kramer: A dealer? Are you insane? No, take out an ad. Sell it privately.
Jerry: I don't think I want to meet the people that are in the market for a used van.
Kramer: Come on, Jerry, just let me help you.
Jerry: OK.
Kramer: All right! OK! Right, here we go. Yeah. OK, so... 'For sale. A big, juicy van.' And, ooh, you gotta put down, 'interesting trades considered.'
Jerry: I don't want to trade.
Kramer: No, you don't have to. It's all about tickling their buying bone.
Jerry: Hey, you know what? This is all your mail. They're puttin' it in my box now.
Kramer: Oh, that's it. They have gone too far. They keep pushing me, and pushing me. Now I got no choice but to go down there... and talk to them.
Elaine: Hey, Jerry. I'd like you to meet someone. This is Jack. (Heraldic harp sounds as Jerry looks at Jack's face)
Postal Employee: May I help you?
Kramer: Yeah, I'd like to cancel my mail.
Postal Employee: Certainly. How long would you like us to hold it?
Kramer: Oh, no, no. I don't think you get me. I want out, permanently.
Newman: I'll handle this, Violet. Why don't you take your three hour break? Oh, calm down, everyone. No one's cancelling any mail.
Kramer: Oh, yes, I am.
Newman: What about your bills?
Kramer: The bank can pay 'em.
Newman: The bank. What about your cards and letters?
Kramer: E-mail, telephones, fax machines. Fedex, telex, telegrams, holograms.
Newman: All right, it's true! Of course nobody needs mail. What do you think, you're so clever for figuring that out? But you don't know the half of what goes on here. So just walk away, Kramer. I beg of you.
Supervisor: Is everything all right here, Postal Employee Newman?
Newman: Yes, sir, I believe everything is all squared away. Isn't it, Mr. Kramer?
Kramer: Oh, yeah. As long as I stop getting mail!
George: (surprising his parents in the kitchen) Welcome back.
Estelle: Oh!
George: Quick for a... catered affair.
Frank: I don't know what you mean.
George: You ditched me. That's twice. Now I demand to know what's going on!
Frank: George, we've had it with you. Understand? We love you like a son, but even parents have limits.
Estelle: The breakups, the firings. And every Sunday with the calls.
Frank: What my wife is trying to say is that this is supposed to be our time.
George: I'm not following.
Frank: We're cuttin' you lose.
George: You're cuttin' me loose?
Frank: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make love to your mother.
George: They don't want to see me anymore!
Jerry: But this is what you've always wanted.
George: It is. I'm just not ready yet.
Jerry: Aw, that's kind of sweet.
George: Ah, shut up, Jerry. My parents think they can ignore me. Heh heh. Well, they better think again.
Jerry: Oh, no. George, please. What are you going to do?
George: You remember my cousin Rhisa? I'm gonna date her.
Jerry: Mother of God.
George: One little wink. She'll freak out, tell my parents. They'll be all over me. Who is this guy?
Jerry: That guy Elaine's dating seems really familiar to me. I think he may have been a comedian I worked with one time. Wait a minute, what is this?
Jerry: That is the guy!
George: Elaine's in love with the Wiz guy?
Jerry: No, she thinks she's in love with him. But she's just remembering this old commercial.
George: That's pretty pathetic.
Jerry: I know. They're not even related.
Elaine: (enters) Hey.
George: Uh... hey. I'm gonna get going.
Jerry: Hey, have fun at the... family reunion. (George exits) So, what do you know about this Jack fellow?
Elaine: Isn't he the best?
Jerry: Yeah, nobody beats him. What kind of work does he do?
Elaine: Oh, right now he's a fact checker for New York Magazine. It's not much, but it has a certain type of quiet dignity.
Jerry: (turning on the commercial) Right, quiet dignity. As opposed to, say, this?
Elaine: Oh, no.
Jerry: Oh, yes.
Jerry: (answering the phone) Hello? Yeah, the van is still for sale. Sure, come on buy.
Kramer: (rushing into Jerry's apartment) Yeah, I called about the van.
George: (at dinner with his cousin) Some more merlot?
Rhisa: Yeah, thanks.
George: Sure. You know, Rhisa. I've always found you... very attractive.
Rhisa: What?
George: I know it may sound shocking. But, I just can't stop myself from... wanting you.
Rhisa: You want to borrow money, right?
George: No, no. I-I just want us to be... together.
Rhisa: All right.
George: All right?
Rhisa: Let's go for it.
George: Well... we could dance around it a little first.
Rhisa: (playing footsie) Nah. Let's be bad, George. Let's be really... bad.
George: Whoa! Whoa! Geez!
Kramer: (inspecting Jerry's van) So, how come you're selling it?
Jerry: You know why I'm selling it. I hate it.
Kramer: How many miles?
Jerry: Two.
Kramer: City or highway?
Jerry: Look, do you really want to buy this thing, or what?
Kramer: (breaking the antenna) Hey, hey. Take it easy. I'm not gonna be pressured. I'll walk away right now. Is this thing bent? I'm not paying for that.
Jerry: All right, just get out of here.
Kramer: All right, look. I'm going to be honest. I'm very interested in the van.
Jerry: OK, fine. 'What do I have to do to put you in this van today?'
Kramer: (pointing to the newspaper ad) Well, I don't really have any money. But it says right here, 'interesting trades considered'.
Jerry: You put that in!
Kramer: (pulling out an undershirt) And I'm glad I did. Here.
Jerry: You want to trade me an undershirt?
Kramer: No, I want to trade you screen legend Anthony Quinn's undershirt. He took this off to do sit-ups in the park and I nabbed it.
Jerry: That's disgusting.
Kramer: Well, it's my final offer.
Puddy: You dumped me for some idiotic TV pitchman.
Elaine: Look, I'm sorry, Puddy. It-it was a mistake. So, let's just put it behind us, and we can continue like this never happened.
Puddy: Gee, I don't know. What if we're out somewhere and you see the Maytag repairman.
Elaine: You're not taking me back?
Puddy: (leaving) That's right.
Elaine: He's not idiotic. He's the Wiz. And nobody beats him. Nobody...
Kramer: (handing out anti-mail pamphlets) Here you go. Mail is evil. Pass it on. Hey, mail blows. Fax it to a friend.
Woman: Why does this dummy have a bucket on its head?
Kramer: Because we're blind to their tyranny.
Woman: Then shouldn't you be wearing the bucket?
Kramer: Yeah. Move along, Betty.
Frankie: Is this, uh, Jerry Seinfeld's van?
Kramer: Well, not anymore. He traded it to me for some Hollywood memorabilia.
Frankie: I'm, uh, I'm so stupid.
Kramer: What?
Frankie: (running away) I'm so stupid. Uh, excuse me. I'm sorry.
Kramer: Yeah, nice to meet you.
Jerry: She's into it?
George: She's leaving me dirty messages on my answering machine.
Jerry: So have your parents found out about it?
George: She wants to keep it quiet. She... thinks we have a real future together.
Jerry: Brave new world, alright.
Kramer: (entering Monk's) Hey, you guys.
Jerry: Hey, how's the anti-mail campaign going?
Kramer: Oh, it's fantastic. We were out in front of the post office today, and not one person went in.
Jerry: It's Sunday.
George: Why is the mailman wearing a bucket?
Kramer: Huh? Well, it symbolizes our persecution.
George: Then... shouldn't you be wearing the bucket.
Jerry: Hey, I want my van keys back.
Kramer: Oh, well. I, uh, thought we made a deal for Quinn's t-shirt.
Jerry: Are you insane? Give 'em to me.
Kramer: No, I can't, I can't. See, I told Frank he could borrow it. Yeah, he wants to move some of George's stuff into storage.
George: Wait a minute? He's picking up the van tonight? This is perfect. I'll drive Rhisa to someplace romantic. Then when my father slides the door open, I'm in the van kissing his brother's daughter.
Kramer: Oh, listen, Jerry. One of your friends came by and he was very upset that I had your wheels.
Jerry: Oh, no, not Frankie.
Kramer: Well, I didn't catch his name, but then he went running into the park.
Jerry: Oh, no, the woods! The hole!
Kramer: (seeing Newman pull up along side him in his truck) Hey.
Newman: Kramer, what the hell are you doing?
Kramer: I know, I'm gonna switch the bucket to something else.
Newman: Not that!
Kramer: What?
Newman: You're in trouble, Kramer. I shouldn't even be talking to you, but I'm telling you as a friend. Here's how it's going to happen you may be walking. Maybe on a crisp, autumn day just like today. When a mail truck will slow beside you, and a door will open, and a mailman you know, maybe even trust, will offer to give you a lift.
Kramer: Are you through?
Newman: No! And no one will ever see you again!
Kramer: Are you through?
Newman: Yes. No, wait! OK, yes.
Newman: (seeing postal security officials walking towards Kramer) Quick! Get in!
Kramer: Oh, no, no, no. That's exactly how you said it was going down.
Newman: There's another way it can go down, and it's going down right now!
Kramer: No. You said a mailman I know, and you're a mailman I know!
Newman: I know you know, but you don't know what I know.
Kramer: (being grabbed by the security officials) Hey!
Jerry: Frankie! Frankie! Frankie! Frankie, is that you?
Hole Digger: My name is Edgar.
Jerry: Have a nice night.
Hole Digger: Thank you.
Frankie: (digging a hole, talking to himself, and seeing Jerry's van pull up near him) Stupid... so stupid! Jerry?
Rhisa: All right, George. I'm ready.
George: Yeah, hold on. I'm, uh, I'm just trying to get a reading on my dashboard compass. Where are my parents?
Rhisa: Geor-gie...
Frankie: (running up to the van and yelling through the window) Is this Seinfeld's van? Seinfeld's van? Seinfeld's van?!
Rhisa: (hearing Frankie as George runs to the back of the van) Wait. What's he saying?
George: I think he's saying 'Son of Sam'! Oh, my God!
Rhisa: No, they caught him.
George: (running out and away from the van) I knew it wasn't Berkowitz!
Frankie: (seeing George running away) Ohh...
Elaine: So I told him, 'Hit the road. I'm going back with Jack.'
Jack: Elaine, that's the second piece of good news today.
Elaine: Really, what was the first?
Jack: (pulling out his Wiz hat) They're bringing me back. Yeah. I'm the Wiz again.
Elaine: What?
Jack: (dancing around) I'm the Wiz! I'm the Wiz!
Elaine: Well what, what about your fact-checking job?
Jack: (dancing around) Oh... here's a fact. Uh, I'm... the Wiz! I'm the Wiz and noooobody beats me!
Jerry: (finding Frankie, in his hole) Frankie... come on out of there.
Frankie: You hate the van.
Jerry: But I'm keeping it. As much as I hate the idea of being a van guy, it's much better than hanging out here with the nocturnal dirt people.
Frankie: So, can we go for a ride?
Jerry: Yeah, let's just get out of here.
Hole Digger #2: (eyeing the empty hole, and getting into it) Are you done with that?
Frank: (coming upon the van) Good. He left the door unlocked.
Estelle: Why did Kramer have to park the van in the woods?
Frank: Isn't it obvious? There are no parking meters out here.
Estelle: (looking inside of the van) Wow!
Frank: (reclining the seats in the van to a bed) Hey, look at this. Hoochie mama!
Postmaster General: Oh, my goodness. What have they done to you here?
Kramer: Huh? Who are you?
Postmaster General: Well, you can just call me Henry.
Kramer: Henry Atkins? The postmaster general?
Postmaster General: Last time I checked.
Kramer: Henry... can I get out of here now?
Postmaster General: Oh, oh. Sit a bit. Sit a bit. I mean, after all, I drove all the way up here from D.C. just to talk to you.
Kramer: Oh?
Postmaster General: I even had to cancel a round of golf with the secretary of state. Do you like golf, Mr. Kramer?
Kramer: Yeah.
Postmaster General: Kramer, I've been, uh, reading some of your material here. I gotta be honest with you you make a pretty strong case. I mean, just imagine. An army of men in wool pants running through the neighborhood handing out pottery catalogs, door to door.
Kramer: Yeah! Ha ha.
Postmaster General: Well, it's my job. And I'm pretty damn serious about it. In addition to being a postmaster, I'm a general. And we both know, it's the job of a general to, by God, get things done. So maybe you can understand why I get a little irritated when someone calls me away from my golf.
Kramer: I'm very, very sorry.
Postmaster General: Sure, you're sorry. I think we got a stack of mail out at the desk that belongs to you. Now, you want that mail, don't you Mr. Kramer?
Kramer: Sure do!
Postmaster General: (receiving a salute from Kramer) Now, that's better.
Kramer: (seeing Newman walk into the office with a bucket on his head, escorted by a security man) Geez. Newman?
Newman: (whimpering) Tell the world my story.
Jerry: Hey, George!
George: Jerry! Hey, that's the guy!
Jerry: What? George Costanza, Frankie Merman.
George: Oh. The summer me.
Frankie: The winter me.
Jerry: You must be George's cousin.
Rhisa: Girlfriend.
Jerry: All right.
George: (seeing Jerry's van shaking) What is that? That van's a-rockin'.
Jerry: Don't go a-knockin'.
Estelle: (after George opens the van door) Oh, my god!
George: (seeing his parents being intimate) Oh, my god!
Frankie: Now you gotta sell this van.
Jerry: Oh, yeah.
Frank: What you saw in that van was a natural expression of a man's love for his lady.
George: Ohhhh...
Estelle: Your father's right. It's beautiful.
Frank: And it was safe.
George: Oh, God...
Frank: Now if you'll excuse me. Once again, your mother and I...
George: Oh... make it stop.