Jerry: Come on. Lets go
Elaine: No wait, I gotta go in here and pick up Mr. Pitt's tennis recquet.
Jerry: What's it doin here?
Elaine: He wanted to have it restrung. (to clerk) Here I need to pick that up
Landis: Hello
Elaine: Oh, Hi.
Landis: Jocylin Landis from Doubleday. I interviewed you for a position a couple of months ago.
Elaine: Yes, yes, the one I didn't get. (they giggle)
Landis: I was watching you play
Elaine: Oh, I'm not very good.
Landis: No. You exhibited a lot of grace out there.
Elaine: Really? Grace?
Landis: Yes. So have you found anything yet?
Elaine: Uh, no. Not really.
Landis: You know you should keep in touch. Something may be opening up in a few weeks. Is that a Bruline?
Jerry: Oh, Bruline. Newman's got the same one.
Elaine: Newman plays tennis?
Jerry: He's fantastic.
Landis: Would you mind if I tried this out?
Elaine: Uh, no ... take it.
Landis: How will you get it back?
Elaine: Um, I could come by your office and pick it up tomorrow.
Landis: That's so generous of you.
Elaine: Thanks
Jerry: You loaned her Pitt's racquet?
Elaine: What could I do? She said there might be something for me at Doubleday. Oh wouldn't that be great I wouldn't have to work for Mr. Pitt anymore.
Sandy: I gotta get going.
Jerry: Oh, OK. Next time lets play ping pong. It's easier to jump over the net.
Sandy: (nods silently)
Elaine: Bye
Jerry: Bye bye
Elaine: Have you noticed she never laughs
Jerry: Hm, really?
Elaine: Yeah
George: Check that out (showing newspaper)
Kramer: Whoa, you're dating this woman?
George: That's right.
Kramer: George, you're becoming one of the gliterratti
George: What's that.
Kramer: Ya' know, people who glitter. She's a slim gal.
George: And the amazing thing is she eats like there's no tomorra'. I mean I've never seen an appetite like this. Desserts. Everything. I don't know how she does it.
Kramer: Maybe she's bulimic
George: Wa?
Kramer: Bulimic,
George: Kramer, she's a model.
Kramer: Exactly
George: I have noticed she does tend to go to the bathroom right after we finish eating.
Kramer: There you go monkey boy.
Nina: Mmm, Mmmm oh, so good, mmm, mmm. Aren't you hungry?
George: Just enjoying watching you.
Sandy: So did you like the movie?
Jerry: Yeah, it was OK. Frankenstein didn't seem quite right to me. I missed the sport jacket.
Sandy: (nods silently)
Jerry: Not that it was that nice of a jacket. I mean it didn't fit him that well. To me there's just something about a monster in a blazer. It shows at least he's making an effort.
Sandy: (nods silently) That's funny.
Jerry: I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Nina: Oh, I'm so full.
George: Yes, full. I love to be full ... love to sit back, loosen the old belt and digest away for hours. Let those enzymes do their work.
Nina: Will you excuse me.
George: Where you going?
Nina: I just need to freshen up.
George: You're fresh (grabs her arm) You're very fresh. You seem very fresh to me. You're very vital. I couldn't take you any fresher.
Nina: George I need to freshen., George, George, George ...
Jerry: It was unbelievable. You're right the jokes kept bouncing off her like superman.
Elaine: See, what did I tell ya?
Jerry: And even when she did like something, she doesn't laugh. She says, "That's funny." ... That's funny!
Elaine: Oo, I better call that woman at Doubleday and see when I can pick up Mr. Pitt's racquet.
Jerry: I mean how can I be with someone that doesn't laugh. It's like ... well it's like something!
Elaine: (on phone)Hello, yeah, hi. Uh, is Miss. Landis there please. Wa? Oh, Gosh, ah ok, she'll be in later? OK, thank you. Uh. (to Jerry) This guy said she hurt her arm playing tennis. ... Pretty bad.
George: Well, I heard a noise.
Jerry: What noise?
George: You know, .. blah ...
Jerry: What blah?
George: From the bathroom.
Jerry: Oh, you think she was refunding?
George: Every time we go out to eat the minute we we're done eating she's runnin to the bathroom.
Elaine: So you're concerned.
George: Elaine, of course I'm concerned. I'm payin' for those meals. It's like throwing money down the toilet.
Jerry: In a manner of speaking.
George: Let me digest it. Let me get my money's worth. Y'know what would be good is if there was someone else in the bathroom that could tell me.
Kramer: Here's your scrubber back.
Jerry: Thanks.
George: Hey, maybe I could bribe one of those women that hand out the towels in the powder room.
Jerry: A matron?
George: Yeah
Jerry: uh, well I can't help you there (weakly).
George: Wha?
Kramer: Nothin'
George: You know a matron?
Kramer: Me?
George: You
Kramer: No.
George: Kramer,
Kramer: Well, now look, just leave me alone.
George: Well, what is it?
Kramer: No, don't, don't make me
George: Wha?
Kramer: No, I can't, all right I can't ...
George: Who?
Kramer: ... My mother's a matron!
Elaine: Babs?
Kramer: Yeah, there, all right I said it there.. Ya' satisfied? Anything else you want to know?
George: Kramer, Kramer, I need to know if Nina is refunding.
Kramer: Look, George, I can't help ya, all right.
George: Why not? Why not?
Kramer: let me go. let me go. Because I haven't talked to my mother in five years. We just don't see eye to eye. I don't even want to get into my childhood. I'm still carrying a lot of pain. A LOT of pain.
George: Come on, Kramer.
Kramer: I can't I can't
Jerry: Kramer you're going to have to face her some time
Kramer: (mumbles) b'd b'd
Elaine: Hello (sees Landis) Oh, my goodness. What happened?
Landis: I tore my umeral epicondilitist
Elaine: Oh
Landis: My doctor said it might never fully heal. I may never play again.
Elaine: Oh, you'll be playing ...
Landis: If I can't play tennis I don't know what I'll do.
Elaine: There are plenty of things you can do, there's chess and uh uh mah jong,
Landis: You don't know how lucky you are to be healthy ...
Elaine: ... and biking and ..
Landis: What am I going to do?
Elaine: ... hiking ...
Landis: (wimpers)
Elaine: (sees racquet) Could I ...
Landis: If I can't play tennis I have no reason to live .. (cries)
Elaine: (sees racquet), You know it's not important I'm gonna, ok, well, you know. Take care of that condolitis
Kramer: Ma?
Babs: Cosmo!
George: Cosmo?
Jerry: Why didn't you just ask her for it?
Elaine: I told you I couldn't. The woman was crying about how she might never play tennis again
Jerry: Yeah
George: Hey di ho
Jerry: C'mon up.
Jerry: So when do you have to get the racquet back to Mr. Pitt?
Elaine: augh, he's got a big match tomorrow with Ethyl Kennedy
Jerry: He needs a three hundred-dollar Bruline to beat Ethyl Kennedy?
Elaine: He'll only play with his racquet
Jerry: Well, why don't you wait 'til she's not there on her lunch hour and just take it?
Elaine: That's stealing?
Jerry: Stealing? You loaned her the racquet!
Elaine: I know.
George: Hey oh.
Elaine: JERRY Hey
Jerry: So what happened with Kramer's mother?
George: It's all worked out. Nina and I will have dinner Thursday at the restaurant where Babs works.
Jerry: What's she like?
George: Oh, she's a Kramer. And uh, while I was there I uh happened to pick up another juicy little nugget about our friend.
Elaine: Ah, I'm ready what?
Jerry: What is it?
George: I uh got the first name.
Elaine: You found out Kramer's first name?
George: That's right. You ready?
Jerry: We've been trying to get it out of him for ten years. What is it?
George: Cosmo
Elaine: JERRY Cosmo?
George: Cosmo
Elaine: JERRY Cosmo
Elaine: Cosmo, Cosmo?
Kramer: What's so funny? ... wha?
Elaine: COSMO?
Kramer: All right, OK So you the name now. The cat is .a a a .. out of the bag.
Elaine: It's not such a bad name.
Kramer: Well you know all my life I've been running away from that name. That's why I wouldn't tell anybody. But I've been thinking about it. All this time I'm trying not to be me. I'm afraid to face who I was. But I'm Cosmo Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer. And that's who I'm going to be. From now on that's who I'm going to be. I'm Cosmo!
Laura: Yes?
Jerry: Hi, is Sandy here?
Laura: Hi, you must be Jerry. Sandy's in the shower. Do you want to come in?
Jerry: I would except I forgot to bring a towel.
Laura: (laughs nicely)
Jerry: So the roommate laughed at everything I said.
George: Wow.
Jerry: It was a great sounding laugh too, kind of lilting and feminine-none of those big coarse "ha's." You know those?
George: Oh yeah HA-A-A, HA-A-A.
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Hate the big coarse "ha." Hate those.
Jerry: And the worst part of course is that she also possessed many of the other qualities prized by the Superficial Man.
George: I see.
Jerry: So as you can see, I've got a bit of a problem here.
George: Well, if I hear you correctly-and I think that I do-my advice to you is to finish your meal, pay your check, leave here, and never mention this to anyone again.
Jerry: Can't be done, huh?
George: The Switch?
Jerry: "The Switch."
George: Can't be done.
Jerry: I wonder.
George: Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it!
Jerry: They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages.
George: Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200-somewhere-there were two women living together.
Jerry: The point is I intend to undertake this. And I'll do it with or without you. So if you're scared, if you haven't got the stomach for this, let's get it out right now! And I'll go on my own. If not, you can get on board and we can get to work! Now what's it going to be?
George: All right, dammit, I'm in.
Jerry: I couldn't do it without you.
George: All right. Let's get to work.
George: All right. That's enough for today. You're tired. Get some sleep. I'll see you first thing in the morning.
Jerry: Aw, we can't do it, who are we kidding? It's impossible! It's true! You can't do the Switch! Nobody can do the Switch! It was a stupid idea to begin with! Let's face it. I'm stuck with the non-laugher and that's that!
George: We'll come up with something.
Jerry: Yeah, sure we will.
George: All right. See you tomorrow. (George sighs, exits.)
George: I-I-I-I-I got it!!!!!
George: All right. Let's go over it again, one more time.
Jerry: All right. So I tell Sandy that I want to have a mnage trois with her and her roommate.
George: That's right.
Jerry: And you believe this course of action will have a two-pronged effect. Firstly, the very mention of the idea will cause Sandy to recoil in disgust, whereupon she will insist that I remove myself from the premises.
George: Keep going.
Jerry: At this point, it is inevitable that she will seek out the roommate to apprise her of this abhorrent turn of events.
George: Continue.
Jerry: The roommate will then offer her friend the requisite sympathy even as part of her cannot help but feel somewhat flattered by her inclusion in the unusual request.
George: A few days go by and a call is placed at a time when Sandy is known to be busy at work. Once the initial awkwardness is relieved with a little playful humor, which she [Laura] of course cannot resist, an invitation to a friendly dinner is proffered.
Jerry: Huh. Well, it all sounds pretty good. There's only one flaw in it They're roommates. She'd have to go out with me behind Sandy's back. She's not gonna do that.
George: You disappoint me, my friend. Sandy wants nothing to do with you. She tells Laura, "If you want to waste your time with that pervert, that's your problem."
Jerry: It's a perfect plan. So inspired. So devious. Yet so simple.
George: (George, finger in the peanut butter jar) This is what I do.
Keith: Can I help you?
Elaine: Uh, no, I'm OK.
Keith: Well then what are you doing with that racquet?
Elaine: Um, it's mine. Miss. Landis borrowed it.
Keith: Well, I'm sorry you can't take that, no no no..
Elaine: No no no, I can. I can. It's mine. It's my racquet.
Keith: Look sweetheart I don't know who you are. I don't know what you're doing here. But...
Elaine: All right. I'm going I'm going
Keith: Not with ...
Elaine: Give it give it ..
Keith: Leave ...
Elaine: All right all right forget it. You don't have to mention any of this to Miss. Landis do you?
Keith: I don't have to but I will.
Clotworthy: Morning Cosmo
Kramer: Hi Mr. Clotworthy
Clotworthy: How are you today?
Kramer: Ah couldn't be better. Hi Lorraine.
Landis: Hi Cosmo
Kramer: My mom Babs.
Landis: Hi Mrs. Kramer
Babs: Lorraine
Kramer: Yes, It's a fine day
Voice: (Larry David's voice) What do you say Cosmo?
Kramer: Hey, everything my man.
Sandy: What
Jerry: You know, I don't know the exact pronunciation but I believe its Manage A Trois.
Sandy: Oooo, that is a wild idea
Jerry: Uh?
Kramer: You ma, know I've been thinking. I want you to quit that matron job.
Babs: Yes, well isn't that just easy for you to say. What the hell do you think I'm going to do with myself?
Kramer: Well maybe we could go into business together. If you're clean?
Babs: I've been clean for two years. Anyway what would we do together?
Kramer: I've got plenty of ideas.
Babs: I've always believed in you Cosmo. You know that. So I want you to call that place today and tell then tha you're through.
Babs: All right. I'll do it.
Nina: Mmmm mm so good.
George: ... so glad.
Nina: Will you excuse me I've got to freshen up.
George: And why shouldn't you? Be fresh Stay fresh
Woman: I'll be back. I'm not feeling very well.
Waitress: Care to see our dessert menu?
George: Uh, yeah. Do you know Babs?
Waitress: Oh, yeah I was sorry to hear she left.
George: Babs left?
Waitress: She quit today.
George: Ah Ha.
Nina: What are you doing here George?
George: I was just wondering what it was you wanted for dessert.
George: How 'ya feelin'?
Babs: Hi Newman
Newman: Hi Babs
Babs: What are you doin'
Newman: Minding my own business.
Babs: You'll never get into trouble that way.
Newman: What makes you think I'm lookin' for trouble?
Babs: From what I hear you postmen don't have to look too far.
Newman: ha ha ha Well you know sometimes it just has a way of finding you. Cigarette?
Babs: Don't mind if I do.
Jerry: Hey
George: What happened to Babs. She never showed up last night. The whole thing blew up in my face.
Jerry: Ah, that's a shame.
George: Hey, what happened with Sandy. I forgot all about it. Did you call her?
Jerry: Yeah, I did. In fact I went over there.
George: So what happened? She throw you out? Eh?
Jerry: No actually, she took it pretty well.
George: So what happened?
Jerry: She's into it.
George: Into what?
Jerry: The manage. And not only that. She just called me and said she talked to the roommate and the roomate's into the manage too.
George: That's unbelievable.
Jerry: Oh, it's a scene man.
George: Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that you know me and have access to my dementia?
Jerry: What are you talking about? I'm not goin' to do it.
George: You're not goin to do it? What do you mean, You're not goin to do it?
Jerry: I can't. I'm not an orgy guy.
George: Are you crazy? This is like discovering Plutonium ... by accident.
Jerry: Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirso lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. ... Naw, I'm not ready for it.
George: If only something like that could happen to me.
Jerry: Oh, shut up you couldn't do it either.
George: I know.
Jerry: Hey, what happened? Did you get your racquet?
Elaine: No, I got caught.
Jerry: What do you mean you got caught?
Elaine: Her assistant caught me. And now I'm probably not going to get a job. He's going to tell Landis that I was sneakin around her office.
Jerry: I still don't understand how you can get in trouble for taking your own racquet.
Elaine: Meanwhile Mr. Pitt's got this match with Ethyl Kennedy this afternoon.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hi Cosmo.
Elaine: Hi Cosmo
Kramer: Thanks man.
Jerry: Hey, doesn't Newman have a Bruline racquet?
Kramer: Uh, Yeah, yeah, but he's on vacation. Went to Baltimore.
Jerry: Hum, but you've got the key to his place right?
Kramer: Yeah
Jerry: Well Elaine needs to borrow his racquet. Just for today.
Kramer: All right all right. Come on I'll take you over to Newman's
George: Hey, Cosmo what happened to your mother last night. She hung me out to dry.
Kramer: She quit.
George: It would have been nice if someone told me about it. I just think you could have said something. That's all.
Kramer: Don't talk to me George, talk to her.
George: Well where is she?
Kramer: I don't know.
Kramer: Ma!
Babs: Cosmo!
Newman: We din, we didn't ... ... Cosmo?


Jerry: You sure you don't want the tickets?
George: No thanks.
Jerry: I can't believe I'm having trouble getting rid of Super Bowl tickets.
George: I'm telling you, skip the Drake's wedding, go to the game.
Jerry: I can't, the Drake put me in the wedding party.
George: Well who schedules his wedding on Super Bowl Sunday?
Jerry: Maybe he didn't know?
George: Lemme see. I can't believe you got these for free. (Looking at the tickets) Row F?!
Jerry: Row F, in front of the Gs, hobnobbing with the Ds and Es.
George: Howbout Kramer or Elaine, they don't want them?
Jerry: I asked. Elaine laughed at me, Kramer's only interested in Canadian football.
George: Wish I could help you.
Jerry: Come on, take them. You could take Bonnie.
George: You paying my hotel and airfare to Miami?
Jerry: What do you think?
George: So in order to use these, I gotta spend like fifteen-hundred bucks. This is a bill for fifteen-hundred dollars. Plus, she'd ask about the sleeping arrangements, that whole sleeping arrangement conversation is depressing.
Jerry: Yeah, sleeping arrangements. So, you haven't, uh...
George: Oh, no no no, I haven't even seen her apartment yet. Tomorrow night's the first night.
Jerry: Aah.
George: Hey, is that Tim Whatley?
Jerry: The Dentist?
George: Yeah, is he still mad at you for crashing his Thanksgiving party?
Jerry: Oh, no. I explained the whole thing to him, he was fine with it.
George: Oh good.
Jerry: Yeah, I blamed it on you. Hi Tim.
Tim: Hey Jerry! George. What are you up to?
Jerry: Ah, just a couple of gals out on the town, shopping and gabbing.
George: I'm getting a makeover.
Jerry: Hey. How would you like to go to the Super Bowl?
Tim: What, are you kidding?
Jerry: Here. Two tickets. Have a good time.
Tim: How can I think you? I'll tell you what, I'll take you to dinner sometime. You ever been to Mendys?
Jerry: No no no. No dinner.
Jerry: Tim, you didn't have to get me a thank you gift. I know, it's a label maker. The Label Baby Junior. Yeah, I hear they're good. Well, label me thankful. Okay, well you enjoy those tickets. Buh-bye.
Jerry: Come in.
Kramer: Where can I put this?
Jerry: What is it?
Kramer: It's Risk, Jerry. The game of world conquest. (brushing newspapers off the table with his foot and setting the game board down) Alright, that's perfect.
Jerry: Kramer, why do you have to (noticing Newman) Hello, Newman.
Newman: Hello, Jerry. Will he take it? I gotta go to work.
Jerry: Take what?
Kramer: The board, Jerry. We've been playing at Newman's for six hours but he's gotta go.
Jerry: So why don't you leave it at Newman's?
Newman: I wanted to, he won't let me.
Kramer: We have to put the board in a neutral place where no one will tamper with it.
Jerry: So that's here?
Kramer: Yes, yes. You're like Switzerland.
Jerry: I don't wanna be Switzerland.
Kramer: Jerry, Newman and I are engaged in a epic struggle for world domination. It's winner take all. People cannot be trusted.
Newman: Don't look at me.
Kramer: Oh, I'm looking right at you, big daddy.
Jerry: Alright, soldier boys, let's fall out.
Kramer: Alright, so you're gonna look after it?
Jerry: Yeah, yeah.
Kramer: Stay strong buddy.
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: Watch it good.
Jerry: Ok.
Elaine: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Elaine: Hey. Oh, is that a label maker?
Jerry: Yes it is. I got it as a gift, it's a Label Baby Junior.
Elaine: Love the Label Baby, baby. You know those things make great gifts, I just got one of those for Tim Whatley for Christmas.
Jerry: Tim Whatley?
Elaine: Yeah. Who sent you that one?
Jerry: One Tim Whatley!
Elaine: Not, my Tim Whatley?
Jerry: The same, he sent it as a thank you for my Super Bowl tickets.
Elaine: I think this is the same one I gave him. He recycled this gift. He's a regifter!
Jerry: Or maybe he liked your gift so much, he decided to get me the same thing. Perhaps it's an homage.
Elaine: Yeah, perhaps.
Jerry: Well how did he react when you gave it to him?
Elaine: Um, he said, "Oh. A label maker. Howbout that?"
Jerry: He repeated the name of the gift?
Elaine: Yeah, so?
Jerry: Oh, well, if you repeat the name of the gift, you can't possibly like it.
Elaine: What do you mean?
Jerry: Oh, you know, like when someone opens something up and they go, "Oh. Tube socks." What are you gonna do about it?
Elaine: I don't know, I guess I'll just get invited up to his apartment and see if he's got a label maker.
Jerry: Why'd you get him a gift anyway?
Elaine: Oh, he did some dental work for me and he didn't charge me so I thought I'd get him a Christmas present.
Jerry: Yeah, well, if you're getting him anything for his birthday, I'm alarge.
Bonnie: Well, here we are. This is the place.
George: Wow.
Bonnie: Do you like it?
George: I love it! This is fantastic! Look at this couch, is this velvet?!
Bonnie: Are you a velvet fan?
George: A fan? I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable. And look at this, hardwood floors!
Bonnie: Aren't they great? (sees a man enter from the bedroom) Oh, Scott, hi. This is George. George, this is Scott, my roommate.
George: (bewildered) Heh heh.
Bonnie: Here, check out this view. If you lean out this window, you can see the river.
George: So Scott's your roommate, huh?
Bonnie: Yes. Oh, I'm sure I've mentioned him.
George: No, you didn't mention it.
Bonnie: He's a great guy, you'll really like him.
George: I'm sure I will.
Jerry: Male roommate, huh?
George: Yes. A male roommate.
Jerry: Is this a problem?
George: It's a huge problem, Jerry. The hardest part about having sex with a woman is getting her to come back to your place! He's already got that.
Jerry: Well, maybe he's -
George: No. Believe me, he's not.
Jerry: So he's an eligible receiver.
George: She's confiding in him about our dates. You always like the person you talk to about the date more than the date! It's just a matter of time till they realize, 'Hey, we could have sex.'
Jerry: What's stopping them?
George: Exactly! You know how they get animals to reproduce in captivity? They just put them in the same cage.
Jerry: What does he look like?
George: Oh, that's the worst part of it. He looks just like me.
Jerry: He looks like you and he's working from the inside?
George: I look like me and I'm working from the outside. Who do you think is in the better position?
Jerry: Not you.
George: Ho ho. This bizarre ?harrod? experiment must end!
Jerry: We'll take a check please.
George: I gotta find a way to work this out, I love that apartment. It's so cozy, I'm ensconced in velvet. You know, if it were socially acceptable-
Jerry: I know, you would drape yourself in velvet.
George: I've said that before?
Jerry: Many times. You love velvet, you want to live in velvet, everything with the velvet.
Kramer: (entering) Hey.
George: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Guess what? I saw Newman talking to the super.
Jerry: So what?
Kramer: The super has keys to your apartment. Don't you see what's going on? Newman is planning a sneak attack.
Jerry: Oh, maybe he's got no hot water.
Kramer: Yeah, alright, fine. You sit there and you watch while Newman takes over the world. But he'd be a horrible leader. And you know who's gonna suffer? The little people; you and George.
Jerry: Are you through?
Kramer: Oh. I talked to Arthur Jobanian. Yeah, the Drake's wedding? That's off.
Jerry: The wedding is off? What happened?
Kramer: The Drake, he found out that the wedding is on the same day as the Super Bowl. So he wanted to postpone it, they got in a big argument and *phlf* it's over.
George: The wedding is off. Now you can go to the Super Bowl.
Jerry: I can't call Tim Whatley and ask for the tickets back.
George: You just gave them to him two days ago, he's gotta give you a grace period.
Jerry: Are you even vaguely familiar with the concept of giving? There's no grace period.
George: Well, didn't he regift the label maker?
Jerry: Possibly.
George: Well, if he can regift, why can't you degift?
Jerry: You may have a point.
George: I have a point, I have a point.
Jerry: Alright, I'll call him.
George: Yeah. What's that?
Jerry: Oh, it's Risk, it's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives. (Picks up phone and dials) Hello Tim? Yeah, hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld, remember those tickets I gave you? Well it turns out I can use them. Oh, you do? I understand. Okay. Bye. He already made plans, he can't change them.
George: (eating a pickle) Well they're his tickets, he can do what he wants with them.
Jerry: Thanks.
George: Alright, I gotta go. I'm heading over to Bonnie's.
Jerry: What are you gonna do about the roommate?
George: I gotta try and find a way to switch places with him. It's like a Sigfried and Roy trick.
Jerry: Well, the pickle breath is a good start.
Newman: Hello Jerry, may I come in?
Jerry: What do you want?
Newman: (squeezing himself through the narrow space) Nothing, just being neighborly. Do you wanna hang out? Shoot the breeze?
Jerry: I'm not letting you cheat, Newman. You're not getting anywhere near that board.
Newman: Jerry? I'm a little insulted.
Jerry: You're not a little anything, Newman. So just pack it up and move it out of here.
Newman: (leaving) Oh, by the way, what are you doing for the Super Bowl?
Jerry: I dunno, watch it on TV I guess. Why?
Newman: Well if you watch closely enough, you just might see me. I'll be the one waving to the camera from my seat on the forty yard line.
Jerry: You're going to the Super Bowl?
Newman: Yes I am, a guy on my mail route just got a couple of tickets and he offered one to me.
Jerry: What's his name?
Newman: Tim Whatley.
Jerry: That's my ticket!
Newman: Is it?! Ohhh, well if only you'd known, you could have saved some time and given it directly to me! Ha ha ha.
Jerry: (as Newman leaves) Newman!
George: What a movie. Good choice.
Bonnie: Thank Scott. He recommended it.
George: Oh, Scott, Scott. He's really great, isn't he?
Bonnie: Yes he is.
George: Yes he is. Let me ask you something. When you come out of the shower and you put your robe on, do you cinch it real tight, are you concerned about that?
Bonnie: George?
George: Do you hold the neck together with one hand, or are you just letting it flap in the breeze?
Bonnie: George, you're being ridiculous.
George: What's the massage situation?
Bonnie: What do you mean?
George: Is there any work being done? Is there any rubbing, touching, finger manipulation on the other person, and if so, who's making the request?
Bonnie: George, would you just stop?
George: Say you go to the bathroom at two o'clock in the morning, what's the outfit? I mean, you dressing up or is it come as you are?
Bonnie: George, what is wrong with you?
George: I'll tell you what's wrong, a grown woman with a male roommate! It's unnatural, it's an abomination!
Scott: Hey!
George: Hey!
Scott: How ya going?
George: I'm good.
Scott: (to Bonnie) Are you gonna need the bathroom? 'Cause I'm gonna jump in the shower.
Bonnie: No, just throw my bras out of the way.
Tim: Well, this is my building.
Elaine: Yes it is.
Tim: This was fun, you know?
Elaine: Yeah.
Tim: So, I'll call.
Elaine: Aren't you gonna invite me upstairs?
Tim: Upstairs? You wanna go upstairs?
Elaine: I would love to go upstairs.
Tim: Elaine, you are something else. No one can ever put a label on you, huh?
Elaine: We'll see.
Jerry: Newman. He's going with Newman.
George: How does Tim Whatley even know Newman?
Jerry: Newman's his mailman.
George: Who goes to the Super Bowl with their mailman?!
Jerry: Who goes *anywhere* with Newman?!
George: Well, he's merry.
Jerry: He is merry, I'll give him that. (notices a cactus on the table) What's this plant for?
George: I had a little tiff with Bonnie about the roommate.
Jerry: Oh, well the cactus will smooth things over.
Elaine: Hey, guess what? I'm going to the Super Bowl with Tim Whatley.
Jerry: What?
Elaine: We went out for coffee last night and he offered me a ticket.
Jerry: What about the label maker?
Elaine: Ah, well.
Jerry: Wait a minute, that's my ticket! You didn't even want to go.
Elaine: It was totally out of the blue. We went upstairs to his apartment, you know, to look for the label maker.
Jerry: So, how did you get up there? Did you say you had to use the bathroom?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: Then how'd you get up there?
Elaine: I said, "Do you wanna go upstairs?"
George: And there's you ticket.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: That's why you're going to the Super Bowl.
Elaine: Why?
Jerry: You go out with a guy one time, you ask him to go upstairs like you're Mae West? Of course he's gonna try and get you alone for the weekend.
Elaine: You mean just because I asked him to go upstairs, he thinks he's going downtown?
Jerry: Obviously.
Elaine: You're crazy.
George: Well, what happened when you got upstairs?
Elaine: As soon as we walked in, he got a call from one of his patients with an impacted molar or something so he had to leave. I didn't even get a chance to look for the label maker.
Jerry: Yeah, well I don't trust this guy. I think he regifted, he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey. What are you doing?
Kramer: I'm watching your door.
Jerry: My door?
Kramer: Yeah, from my peephole. Fisheye, sees all.
Jerry: (still outside) What was that?
Kramer: Newman!
Newman: (fleeing to the bedroom) Damn!
Jerry: (after entering) The bedroom!
Jerry: I see you, Newman! I see you!
Kramer: I'm taking the Congo as a penalty!
Elaine: I've got a confession to make.
Tim: Oh? What's that?
Elaine: I've got Super Bowl fever.
Tim: Oh yeah, me too.
Elaine: So where are we staying?
Tim: Oh, the Ambassador.
Elaine: Oh. Big room?
Tim: It's a regular room, but it's right downtown.
Elaine: Downtown?
Tim: Right downtown.
Elaine: What do they have there, a couple of beds?
Tim: Why? You bringing someone else?
Elaine: No, but don't you think there should be two beds? There's two of us.
Bonnie: Oh, a cactus.
George: They don't need any water, so you don't have to keep taking them to the bathroom.
Scott: Well, look who's here.
Bonnie: I asked Scott to move out.
George: Oh. Oh!
Jerry: So she kicked him out of the apartment.
George: That's right. It's just me and her.
Jerry: Wow, she rearranged her whole life for you.
George: I guess she did. He's gone, now I'm the man.
Jerry: That's not a good role for you.
George: No, it's not.
Jerry: You unwittingly made a major commitment. That's a lot of pressure.
George: Oh my god.
Jerry: You wanted to be ensconced in velvet, you're buried.
George: I had the perfect situation here, he was shouldering half the load.
Jerry: He was shouldering.
George: (walking towards the door) I couldn't leave well enough alone?!
Jerry: Where are you going?
George: I gotta go help her tape up all his boxes and get them ready for shipping.
Jerry: Oh, well here. Take Whatley's label maker, I don't want to see it again.
George: Thanks.
Kramer: (rolling the dice) Yeah. I am taking over South America and there ain't nothing you can do about it.
Jerry: So, too bad about that Super Bowl ticket, eh Newman?
Newman: Yeah. I just hope Tim Whatley's electric bills don't suddenly get lost in the mail, or it could be lights out for him.
Jerry: (walking out) Thanks for having me over, guys.
Jerry: Alright, I'll see you later.
Tim: Hey Jerry?
Jerry: Ah, Tim Whatley. Out scalping?
Tim: Ah, see, now I've been thinking a lot about what happened and I feel horrible. Listen, I want to give you a ticket back.
Jerry: Are you serious, what about Elaine?
Tim: Oh, Elaine. Yeah, well, things just didn't work out like I thought they would.
Jerry: Oh. (notices a car being jacked up by a tow truck) Hey, isn't this Kramer's car? (yelling up) Hey, Cosmo!! They're towing your car!!
Kramer: (running to the window) What?! Not my car!! Hey!! They're towing my car!!
Newman: What are you doing?
Kramer: I'm taking the board with me.
Tim: So, I guess I'll see you at the game.
Jerry: Yeah, see you there.
Bonnie: Hi, George.
George: What, what happened? Where's, where's all the stuff?
Bonnie: It's gone. It was all his. Is this a label maker?
George: The table, the stereo, the VCR, the velvet couch, where's the velvet?
Bonnie: They were his. Besides, we don't need any of those things. We have each other.
Newman: Are you sure you know where the impound yard is?
Kramer: Oh, stop stalling. Come on.
Newman: I can't think, there's all this noise.
Kramer: Or is it because I've built a stronghold around Greenland? I've driven you out of Western Europe and I've left you teetering on the brink of complete annihilation.
Newman: I'm not beaten yet. I still have armies in the Ukraine.
Kramer: Ha ha, the Ukraine. Do you know what the Ukraine is? It's a sitting duck. A road apple, Newman. The Ukraine is weak. It's feeble. I think it's time to put the hurt on the Ukraine.
Ukrainian: I come from Ukraine. You not say Ukraine weak.
Kramer: Yeah, well we're playing a game here, pal.
Ukrainian: Ukraine is game to you?! Howbout I take your little board and smash it!!
Elaine: Hello, Tim.
Tim: (startled) Elaine, hi.
Elaine: Don't worry, Tim. I didn't come by to yell at you, I didn't come by for that at all. I just came by to pick up my label maker. I gave you a label maker and now I would like to have it back.
Tim: But you gave it to me.
Elaine: But you gave me a ticket to the Super Bowl. Hand it over, Whatley.
Tim: Uh, ok.
Elaine: You don't have the label maker, do you?
Tim: Uh, no.
Elaine: I knew it! You're a regifter!
Tim: Oh, yeah, some gift. That thing didn't work at all.
Elaine: What?
Tim: You put a label on something, then ten minutes later it would peel right off. It was the worst gift I ever got.
Elaine: (visibly upset) Well, I bought it for you because you were so nice to me for not charging me for the dental work. The way you worked on my filling, you were so, so gentle and so caring and so sensitive.
Tim: Oh, Elaine!
Jerry: H... G... F. Seat four. One, two, three... f- Hello Newman.
Newman: Hello, Jerry. Tim couldn't make it, he's in love. Isn't that wonderful?
Jerry: Oh, it's enchanting.
Bonnie: Hi.
George: Here's the TV. I know you wanted to watch the Super Bowl. Do you at least have some towels we could sit on? It's, like, a four hour game.
Bonnie: George, Scott's gonna drop by. He said he never got his boxes. I'll get the towels.
George: (internally) How am I gonna get out of this? Think Costanza, think!
Bonnie: Here we are.
George: Hey, do you know, Bonnie, I just had a pretty wild idea.
Bonnie: What is it?
George: Well I, uh, I'm not sure how you pronounce it or anything, but I, uh, I believe it's Mnage Trois?
Bonnie: What?
Scott: Hi.
Bonnie: Scott! Remember what we talked about the other day? George is into it.
Scott: Oh really?!
Newman: Great streak of luck I'm having. First, Kramer almost beat me at Risk but I narrowly escaped, and then Tim Whatley gives me his Super Bowl ticket.
Jerry: Can you move over at all?!
Newman: And then, just as I'm about to go, these boxes show up at the post office with no labels. No labels, Jerry. You know what that means? Freebies!! I got this great mini-TV and a VCR, oh it's unbelievable.
Jerry: An inch! Can you move over an inch?!?


Gary: Hey George.
George: Gary? Well, well, well well. Where the hell've you been? I've been leaving you phone messages for months.
Gary: I know. I've been pretty busy.
George: Busy. Don't give me busy. Who's not busy? I'm busy, we're all busy, everybody's busy. All right, tell me, what's kept you so busy?
Gary: Mostly chemotherapy. 'Kay, I'll see you.
Kramer: (to car as it accelerates away) Hey pig!
Cop: (at car) Hey! Hey! Hey!
Jerry: So you called the cop a pig?
Kramer: I was yelling at the litterbug. I mean this is my town. You don't throw trash on the streets of my town.
Jerry: Didn't you explain that to the cop?
Kramer: No, I fled the scene.
Jerry: (to George) Hey.
Kramer: (to George) Hey buddy.
George: Hey, uh...
Kramer: What?
George: Kramer, I, I, I, uh, I need to talk to Jerry privately.
Kramer: Oh. What about?
George: Kramer...
Kramer: Aw come on George, you can share it with me, huh?
George: Hey, you're hurting me!
Kramer: You gonna share it with me next time, huh?
George: I swear, I swear!
Kramer: Aw, all right, I'm looking forward to it.
George: Right, I got news. You ready? (deep breath) Gary Fogel had cancer.
Jerry: Oh yeah, I knew.
George: You knew? How did you know?
Jerry: He told me a few months ago.
George: Why did he tell you and not me?
Jerry: I don't know.
George: How are you closer to him than me?
George: So, is he okay?
Jerry: Oh yeah, he's fine, fine. He was in bad shape for a while though.
George: Huh, really? How bad? Was he on his death bed?
Jerry: No, he was on his regular bed.
George: So why didn't you tell me?
Jerry: He swore me to secrecy.
George: So?
Jerry: It's not like you're my wife.
George: Well, I still think you shoulda told me.
Jerry: Hey, believe me, you were better off not knowing. It's not easy to deal with someone in a situation like this. I was so nice to him I almost made myself sick.
George: Well, I wanna talk to him about this.
Jerry: That's right, you let him have it.
George: Mmm-mm.
Jerry: Who is he not to tell you about his life-threatening illness?
George: That's what I'm saying.
Jerry: His illness is your business.
George: If not mine, whose?
Jerry: If not now, when?
Elaine: Were you just talking about me?
George: No, an old friend of ours, Gary.
Elaine: Oh, the guy with cancer?
George: (to Jerry, yelling) You told her? She's not your wife!
Jerry: If I told you, you woulda given it away.
George: You don't think I can keep a secret?
Jerry: No, but he would've read your face.
George: You don't trust my poker face?
Jerry: Do you ever win at poker?
George: (shamefaced) No.
Kramer: Hey. (to Elaine) Oh, I just saw your old boyfriend on TV.
Elaine: Egh, Jake Jarmel?
Kramer: Yeah. I really liked those glasses he was wearing. Where'd he get those.
Elaine: Why? You don't wear glasses.
Kramer: I know, I know. But I need a new look, I'm stagnating.
George: I have to say, as a glasses wearer I take exception to that. That's like me buying a wheelchair to cruise around in.
Kramer: Yeah, I've considered that. (to Elaine) Look, how do I get in touch with this guy?
Elaine: Well, he's having a two day book signing at Waldens.
Kramer: Ah.
Elaine: You know, we had a really bad break-up.
Jerry: The Jujy Fruits?
Elaine: (upset) Yeah, the Jujy Fruits.
Jake: Okay, K-Man, enjoy the book.
Kramer: Okay, thank you. Listen Jake, uh, where did you get those eyeglass frames?
Jake: I can't tell you that.
Kramer: So you don't know where you got 'em?
Jake: Yes I do. But I don't want anyone else to have them.
Kramer: Well, that's peculiar. (leaves)
George: Eh, there's that woman that never talks to anybody.
Gary: Really?
George: Every day she comes in, she sits at that table and reads. Never talks to anybody.
Gary: Oh, I talked to Debby Bibelo. She said to say hi.
George: (pleasant surprise) Really? (admonishing) You know Gary, I really have to say, I'm a little bit hurt that you didn't decide to confide in me.
Gary: Well frankly, you can't keep a secret. You know, you'd get two pair, the whole table knows.
George: Well I still think it was wrong.
Gary: Right, well I'm sorry, all right. I guess I was just thinking of myself.
George: (well, obviously) Yes.
Kramer: ...so I called the litterbug a pig, not you. I like policeman. I wanted to be a policeman.
Cop: Yeah? So why didn't you?
Kramer: Scared of being shot.
Cop: Mr Kramer, let me tell you a story. In nineteen-seventy-nine I ticketed a brown Dodge Diplomat for parking in a Church zone. That fine was never paid, and since then that scofflaw has piled up more parking tickets than anyone in New York City. For sixteen years I pursued him, only to see him give me the slip time and time again. I never got a clean look at his face, but he's become my 'white whale'. Mr Kramer, that day was yesterday! But thanks to you, I don't know if I'll ever get that chance again!
Kramer: I like that eye patch.
George: (standing) All right, I'm gonna move my car, my meter's up. Can't park in this city.
Gary: (standing) Hey, George, listen. You know that company I work for, they own that parking lot around the corner.
George: Wha, that's a Kinney lot?
Gary: Yeah, and there's a space opening up, and I could get it for you. You just have to pay the tax on it. It'd be like, fifty a month.
George: Fifty bucks a month, that's incredible! Okay, thanks.
Gary: All right, I got lunch, all right.
George: You still owe me a secret.
Gary: All right, listen. There is something I haven't told you, all right?
George: Yeah?
Gary: Yeah, but uhm, you can't tell Jerry.
George: What do think I tell Jerry everything? It's not like he's my wife.
Gary: Okay. Well, the thing is, I've been living a lie.
George: Just one? I'm living like twenty. (chuckles) What's yours?
Gary: Well, I (laughs) I never actually had cancer. (laughs) I'll see you. (leaves)
Elaine: So he refused to tell you where he got the glasses?
Kramer: (rising) Flat out refused! (walks past Jerry, who moves his legs)
Elaine: Yeah, isn't that just like him? (she steps over Jerry's legs) You know, he has to be the only one who has 'em.
Kramer: Yeah, tell me about it, soul sister. (he opens the door to leave) Anyway, I told Jake that you said hi.
Elaine: What? (she slams the door shut before Kramer can exit) You told Jake I said hi?
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: I can't believe you did that! Why did you tell him I said hi? I never said hi! (to Jerry) When did I say hi?
Jerry: I never heard her say hi.
Kramer: Well, it's uh, common courtesy.
Elaine: No, no. (stamps foot) Kramer, you don't understand. He made the last contact between us. I had the upper hand in the post-breakup relationship. If he thinks that I said hi, then I lose the upper hand.
Jerry: It's like a game of tag.
Jerry: Where you going?
Elaine: Nowhere.
Jerry: You're going to the book store to see Jake Jarmel, aren't you?
Elaine: So what if I do? (heads for the door)
Kramer: (to the exiting Elaine) Yeah, well, listen. If you're going there, (following her out the door) maybe you can get him to tell you where he got those glasses. (shouting after her) Elaine!
Jerry: Hey. How'd it go with Gary?
George: (shifty, avoiding Jerry's eyes) Fine, fine. (he removes his coat)
Jerry: (suspicious) Really?
George: (shifty) Yeah.
Jerry: You look like something's on your mind.
George: No. Nothing. Fine. (he sits at the table)
Jerry: So, that's your poker face.
George: My regular face.
Jerry: No it isn't. I've seen your regular face. That is not it.
George: What are you saying?
Jerry: All right George, c'mon, what d'you got? (sits opposite George)
George: I got nothing.
Jerry: What you got, a pair of bullets?
George: What you talking about?
Jerry: Two pair? Three of a kind?
George: Will you stop it?
Jerry: Oh my God, you got a flush! You're holding a flush!
George: I don't have a flush.
Jerry: A full house? You got a full house? Turn 'em over George, I wanna see 'em. Come on, I'm calling! (thumps hand on table) What d'you got!
George: (broken, shouts) Gary Fogel never had cancer!
Elaine: So you see, Kramer took it upon himself to say hi to you from me. When in fact it was an unauthorised hi.
Jake: You're saying you didn't say hi.
Elaine: That's what I'm saying.
Jake: So that's what you came down here to tell me?
Elaine: Correct.
Jake: You never said hi?
Elaine: Correct.
Jake: You still like me, don't you?
Elaine: Correct. (catches herself) What's that?
Man: Hey, I have been trying to get this book signed all day.
Elaine: (takes the book from the guy and signs it herself) How can you say that I still like you, when I didn't even say hi to you?
Jake: Elaine, coming down here to say that you didn't say hi is more of a gesture than if you did say hi.
Elaine: Ah, Jake... (realises his logic) I, uh...
George: The doctors thought he had cancer, but the surgery revealed he never actually had it.
Jerry: So what was wrong with him?
George: Nothing!
Jerry: So he's been lying to me for two months?!
George: That's right.
Jerry: What kind of person is this? There's only one other person who might be able to do something like this, and that's you.
George: Well...
Jerry: I don't even think you could do it.
George: Oh, I could do it.
Jerry: Yeah, I guess you could.
George: (snorts) C'mon.
Jerry: Did you know he was so worried about losing more hair if he had to get chemo treatment, I bought him an unlimited gift certificate at the Hair Team For Men, just to put his mind at ease?
George: You did that?
Jerry: Yeah. Oh, I can't wait to talk to this guy. (moves to pick up phone)
George: Wait a minute, wait a minute. You can't say anything. (rushes to take phone from Jerry)
Jerry: Why not?
George: (puts down handset) Because he'll know I told you. Besides, he's giving me a parking spot around the corner for practically nothing.
Jerry: So you're telling me, because you're getting free parking, I gotta pretend this guy had cancer when he didn't?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Well I don't like it. I don't like it one bit! And, I'm supposed to see him tomorrow.
George: Yeah, well you have to maintain the same disposition too. You can't start acting any differently. You have to be nice.
Jerry: Why didn't he tell me?
George: Because you were being so nice.
Jerry: I don't think I can be that nice.
George: (shouts) You be nice!
Jerry: Gary?
Gary: What d'you think? Check it out. (he tries a number of expressions, turning his head side to side, to show off the hairpiece)
Jerry: Is that from my gift certificate?
Gary: Yeah buddy. You really came through for me man. You've been so nice. (shakes Jerry by the hand)
Jerry: (through gritted teeth) Yeah, well, I'm glad you could take advantage.
Gary: Hey, you know what I'm thinking of doing? I'm getting rid of all my fillings, 'cos that mercury's toxic. Hey, let me see your fillings.
Jerry: I don't think so.
Gary: Oh come on, open up. Let me take a look.
George (V.O.): You be nice! He's giving me a parking space (echoes) parking space... parking space...
Gary: (peering in) Well, what d'you know. Hey, lookee there, you're loaded.
Jerry: Okay. (shuts mouth)
Gary: Hey, look who's over there. Miss Cool-toes. Check this out, Jack! (rises)
Kramer: (to Jerry) Hey buddy.
Jerry: Hey. Look at you. Wha... what's this?
Kramer: It's an eyepatch.
Jerry: You look like a pirate.
Kramer: I wanna be a pirate.
Jerry: (gesturing) This is Gary.
Kramer: (to Gary) How you doing?
Gary: All right.
Kramer: Well, I tell you there's only one problem.
Jerry: Can't see on your right side?
Kramer: No. It's uh, (swaps patch to the other eye) it's itchy
Debby: Nice car.
George: Yeah. Once belonged to Jon Voight.
Debby: So, what made you just call me out of the blue like that?
George: Oh, well, uh. Gary told me you said hi.
Debby: I didn't say hi.
George: You didn't?
Debby: Uh, no. I told him to send you my regards. I didn't say hi.
George: Regards?
Debby: Yeah, regards.
Elaine: Anyway, I admit I was dumb to go to the bookstore to tell him I didn't say hi, but he didn't have to act so smug. Oh, I hate smugness. Don't you hate smugness?
Cabbie: (heavy accent) Smugness is not a good quality.
Elaine: (looking out of window) Oh my God. That man over there. I think he's wearing glasses that look just like Jake's. Pull over, stop the car. (hands money to cabbie as she exits) Here, here. I think I got a way of getting back at my ex-boyfriend.
Cabbie: Good. Revenge is very good.
Elaine: (calling down street) 'Scuse me! 'Scuse me. (catches up to guy) Excuse me, sir. Sir?
Guy: Yes?
Elaine: Uh. Ah, if you don't mind my asking, could you tell me where you got your glasses?
Guy: Malaysia.
Elaine: Malaysia?
Guy: Yeah.
Elaine: Uhm, look, I know this'll sound odd, but can I buy them from you?
Guy: Actually, I was gonna buy a new pair.
Elaine: (positive) Oh! (little chuckle)
Guy: But I, I can barely see without these.
Elaine: C'mon.
Guy: Well, these were expensive.
Elaine: Let's start the bidding.
George: So, you didn't think this was a date?
Debby: N... no, not really. Why, is it... a date?
George: I thought it was a date.
Debby: No. It's not a date.
George: What about the regards?
Debby: Regards don't mean anything. I mean, it's not like I said hi. Hey, the fact is... (sighs) I shouldn't say anything.
George: No, tell me.
Debby: Can you keep a secret?
George: Me? Oh yeah.
Debby: (deep breath) I never had feelings for Gary until he got sick. But, h... he was so brave and... and gained such a wonderful perspective on life. I... I fell in love with him.
George: Oh, the guy's got some perspective there.
Jerry: Hey, do you know what the Whip does?
Kramer: What whip?
Jerry: The Whip. In the Senate, in the House.
Kramer: Well, you know in the old days, when the senators didn't vote the way that the party leaders wanted 'em to... they whipped them. (holds imaginary whip) You better vote the way we want you to, or there's gonna be big trouble. (cracks invisible whip and makes sound effect)
Gary: She won't talk to anyone, huh? Oh no, she won't say a word to anybody. Well, she's talking a blue streak now, Jack!
Cop: Well, well. The 'white whale'.
George: (frustrated) Oh, look at this. There's no place to park around here. I don't even know why they sell cars in Manhattan.
Debby: Don't complain, at least you have your health.
Debby: George, look out for that man!
Cop: (to escaping car) Hey! Hey, get back here!
Kramer: (looking after fleeing car) Newman! The white whale!
George: Can you believe he sold his glasses on the street?
Jerry: Can you believe someone would lie about chemotherapy to get a wig? Would you do that?
George: No. Definitely not.
Jerry: Yeah.
George: I'm pretty sure I wouldn't.
Jerry: And you know what else? He picked up that woman in the coffee shop.
George: The one who always sits by herself?
Jerry: Yeah!
George: How did he do that?
Jerry: Because he was brimming with confidence from the toupee.
George: Really? And Debby told me that she fell in love with him because he has all this perspective!
Jerry: She thinks a guy who lies about a life-threatening illness, so he can get some phony hair has perspective?
George: (opening door to leave) He picked her up?
Jerry: Walked right over to her table.
George: Wow. (he runs his fingers through his hair, and then brushes the resulting fallout off his jacket)
Elaine: Jake, Jake. Take a look. (puts on the frames she bought) Aaw, see, you're not the only one who has 'em. I have them too.
Jake: Where did you get those?
Elaine: Malaysia. I was in the area.
Newman: (surprised) Kramer.
Kramer: Just drive.
Kramer: All right. Now you listen, and you listen good. I know who you are. You're the scofflaw.
Newman: (defensive) What're you talking about...
Kramer: (interrupting) Ah, don't play dumb. It's me, Cosmo.
Newman: All right, so it's me. So what?
Kramer: You don't think I know how you're feeling, every second of the day? Looking over your shoulder to see if someone's coming up from behind. Sitting alone at night, knowing they could be closing in.
Newman: I can't sleep, I tell you! I can't sleep!
Kramer: Ga, of course you can't, you poor sap! Now why didn't you tell me?
Newman: I couldn't. I couldn't tell anyone.
Kramer: So you been living this secret the whole time by yourself?
Newman: (sobbing) Yes, it's been awful. I wanted to tell somebody. (pleading) Help me Kramer! Help me!
Kramer: All right, all right, I'm gonna help you.
George: I'll try some on and see how they look. It's just hair.
Jerry: You ever see what that thing looks like in the back? You got your natural little curls on the bottom, and then that big phony mat coming down on top of 'em.
George: Well, some of 'em look good. The ones that look good you don't even know about.
Jerry: What if you get involved with a woman? How're you gonna tell her?
George: The way they make 'em these days, I'll never have to tell her.
Jerry: So you keep it a secret your whole life, then at your funeral the mortician comes out (as mortician) 'Here, Mrs Costanza, I thought you might want this'. (as Mrs Costanza, horrified) Aahh!
Lippman: It's no secret that it's my dream to have my own publishing house, and if this Jake Jarmel book does, you know, what I think it's gonna do. If I can get this whole thing off the ground, then , you know, I think I'll have something for you. (laughs)
Elaine: Oh, Mr Lippman. (joins laughter) That is so exciting. I mean, you have no idea how sick I am of running around town looking for socks.
Lippman: Yeah, by the way, those are great glasses.
Elaine: Oh really, you like 'em?
Lippman: Uh huh. Very unusual.
Elaine: Well, you know what? (removes glasses)
Lippman: What?
Elaine: (hands them over) You can have 'em.
Lippman: Oh, no no no. (waves them away) Please.
Elaine: No no no no. Go to that place on the corner, they'll change the prescription in an hour. Take 'em.
Lippman: Really?
Elaine: Yeah, I've no use for them anymore. Honestly.
Lippman: (accepting) I could use a new pair of reading glasses.
Elaine: They're from Malaysia.
Lippman: (putting on spectacles) Oh yeah?
Elaine: (admiring gasp) Fabulous.
Judge: Well Mr Newman, in all my years on the bench, I have never come across anything quite like this. I have given this matter some very serious consideration and I've decided that what's best for the city and possibly for yourself, is for you to keep your car, in a garage...
Judge: ...convenient to your home.
Newman: (sobbing) I can't afford that!
Judge: Afford it you will, Mr Newman. Or this court will see that your car is impounded...
Judge: ...and sold at auction.
Kramer: Well, don't you worry, your honour. He's in my custody.
George: (to Jerry) Well, what d'you think?
Jerry: (unimpressed) I, really can't say.
George: No, say. I want you to say.
Jerry: It's not good, okay. It's not good. You look (searches for word) stupid. (to salesman) I'm sorry.
Salesman: You have to realise this has not been custom-fitted to his scalp.
George: (examining reflection) I really think this looks pretty good.
Jerry: Why don't you get a pair of white shoes, move down to Miami Beach and get the whole thing over with?
George: (to salesman) Well, maybe you could show me something else.
Salesman: As I said, it'll be different once we design something specifically for you. But I don't think your friend here is being very helpful.
Jerry: Oh, hey, I'm being helpful. I am the only one being helpful!
Salesman: (getting annoyed) No, I don't think you're being helpful! I think you're being disruptive, and you make it very difficult for your friend here to improve his life!
Jerry: Hey! I'm trying to prevent my friend from becoming one of those guys people snicker at behind their back, because they look ridiculous! No offence to you personally!
Salesman: (angry) All you people with hair think you're so damn superior! You have no idea what it's like. You ever look down in the bottom of your tub and see a fist fulla hair? How'd you like to start your day with that?! (looks ready to punch Jerry)
Jerry: All right! Take it easy! Take it easy.
George: (leaps to feet) Jerry!
Jerry: I'm sorry.
George: Please. (sits again)
Gary: Hey Jerry, th... (spots George) George, you decided to get a rug! Good for you, Jack!
George: Well, I'm, I'm just looking.
Gary: Oh. (to salesman) Uh, Tommy, I'm gonna need a little adjustment.
Salesman: I'll be right with you.
Gary: Listen, George, I got some bad news. I'm not gonna be able to give you that parking space.
George: What?
Jerry: What?
Gary: This judge has to use it for some scofflaw. And you know you can't fight City Hall.
Jerry: You know, Gary (slams shut the door) I had a little chat with George the other day...
Gary: (to George) You didn't?!
George: (admiring himself in mirror) I did.
Jerry: (advancing on Gary) ...and he told me that that... (becomes indistinct)
Gary: (indistinct) I'm not a hundred percent recovered yet!
Jerry: Gimme that thing!
George: How's your life? All right?
Woman: Yeah, not bad at all.
Lippman: (at lectern) And now, uh, ladies and gentlemen of the press, it is my pleasure to introduce you to Mr Jake Jarmel. (he applauds Jake as he vacates the lectern in his favour)
Reporter: So Jake, what's your percentage on this book?
Lippman: Oh, actually I, uh, I have some very interesting information on that. (puts on glasses) You know, uh, this is a co-venture and as...
Jake: (notices glasses) Where did you get those?
Lippman: ... as such, it...
Jake: Those glasses, where did you get those glasses?
Lippman: (confused) Where... what?
Jake: (to Elaine) Is this supposed to be some kind of a joke on me? Because it's not very funny. (to the nonplussed Lippman) Give me those! (yelling) I want the glasses! Give me those!
Elaine: (mouths) 'Scuse me. Have to go (audible) look for some socks.


Jerry: Look at you. Why don't you use a fork? You're no good with the sticks.
Elaine: I know. I need a lesson.
Jerry: You stink. You know you stink. What is this?
Elaine: Oh. My ballet tickets.
Jerry: Oh. Your ballet tickets.
Elaine: Hey, have you ever been to the ballet?
Jerry: No, but I've seen people on tiptoes.
Elaine: You know, I'm going as a beard.
Jerry: A beard?
Elaine: Yeah. This friend of a friend knows this banker guy, he's, I don't know, 30 years, unbelievably gorgeous, of course he's gay.
Jerry: Yes.
Elaine: So anyway his boss has a box at the Met and he invited us to see Swan Lake, which is fine, but he's afraid that his boss can't handle his orientation, so I'm going along as his date.
Jerry: Why are you doing this?
Elaine: Swan Lake, at the Met.
Kramer: Oh, Chinese food. I knew I smelled something.
Elaine: Hey, is George still wearing that toupee?
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: Doesn't he know how ridiculous he looks in that thing?
Kramer: I think he looks fantastic.
Elaine: Oh, come on.
Kramer: No, I never realized what an attractive man he is.
George: Hey, people, people, people, people, people. Not bad, huh? Excuse me.
Elaine: You look ridiculous in that thing.
George: Is that so? Or could it be that you're just a *little* bit worried that you may have missed the boat?
Elaine: Well I think they might have sutured that thing to your brain.
George: Ha ha ha ha, oh all right, go ahead, deride, deride if you must. But let me tell you something, with my personality and this set of hair, you know what I am now? I am in the game. I no longer defer to the coifed. I'm a player.
Kramer: You know I just thought of something. I know this gorgeous woman, she called me up this morning, she's moving into the city, and she asked me if I know of anyone she could meet. Now you can go out with her.
Jerry: Well what about me?
Kramer: No I think he's got you beat buddy.
George: So she's gorgeous.
Kramer: Oh yeah, last time I saw her she was, five years ago.
George: Well have you got a picture?
Kramer: No.
George: Well, I have to see her.
Kramer: Hey, I know what we can do. I've got a friend who works over at the police station. He's a composite artist.
George: Really?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, maybe I can get him to draw a picture of her for you.
George: Oh I would love that. You think he'd really do it?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah. I think he will.
Jerry: It sounds like an excellent idea.
Kramer: Hey Jerry, you want this, cause I'm going to give it to a homeless person.
George: Well I'm very excited about this. I've always wanted to see how those sketch artists do it.
Kramer: Here you go brother. Some food for you.
Homeless Man: Thank you. You're a good man. Bless you.
Kramer: Now are you going to be here in an hour?
Homeless Man: Where am I going?
Kramer: Oh that's good, that's good. Make the eyes, uh, what's that nut?
Lou: Almond?
Kramer: Almond. Yeah. Make the lips fuller. Poutier.
George: Pouty? I like that.
Jerry: You can't go wrong with pouty.
George: I'm excited about the pouty.
Lou: All right I think that about does it.
Kramer: All right George, come on, take a look.
George: Oh yeah, you were right. She's gorgeous.
Jerry: Hey, Lou, who's that woman over there?
Lou: Oh, that's Sergeant Tierney. Nice officer. You want to meet her?
George: Well this worked out okay. So are you going to see the police woman?
Jerry: Yeah, I think I will. I like the idea of having the law on my side.
Kramer: Hey, man. Enjoy the food?
Homeless Man: Yes I did. Where did the Chinese learn to cook like that?
Kramer: Oh, listen, I'll take that Tupperware now.
Homeless Man: I don't think so.
Kramer: Woah, woah, that's mine.
Homeless Man: You gave it to me.
Kramer: No, no, I didn't say you could keep it. You see I don't give away tupperware.
Homeless Man: You should have said something.
Kramer: I didn't think I had to. Look with a piece of Tupperware you just assume.
Robert: I've really got to thank you for this.
Elaine: Well by now, you think people would be a little more open minded.
Robert: Really. Would you excuse me? I have to run to the bathroom.
Boss' Wife: So, um, you and Robert.
Elaine: Yes indeed.
Boss: I'm surprised.
Elaine: Really. Why?
Boss: No reason.
Elaine: Well believe me this didn't happen overnight. Robert's not exactly a *one* *woman* *man*, if you know what I mean. No sirree Bob. Sure, I mean in a lot of ways, he's a typical guy, he likes his sports, but he counters that side with the side you see here tonight at the ballet, or the pleasure he gets in watching Ms. Liza Minelli belt out a few choice numbers. It's those two halves of his personality that just come together to make him the very special guy that he is.
Elaine: Oh, hi honey.
Elaine: Oh it was such a great night.
Jerry: And did they suspect anything?
Elaine: No, I was a fantastic beard. I held hands, I called him honey.
Jerry: And we discover yet another talent. Posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals.
Elaine: Oh it was such a great night. Oh.
Jerry: You said that already.
Elaine: Oh I did?
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: Oh.
Jerry: Oh no. Don't tell me. You like him?
Elaine: He's incredible.
Jerry: Yeah, but?
Elaine: Yeah, I know.
Jerry: So?
Elaine: What?
Jerry: Not conversion. You're thinking conversion?
Elaine: Well it did occur to me.
Jerry: You think you can get him to just change teams? He's not going to suddenly switch sides. Forget about it.
Elaine: Why? Is it irrevocable?
Jerry: Because when you join that team it's not a whim. He likes his team. He's set with that team.
Elaine: We've got a good team.
Jerry: Yeah, we do. We do have a good team.
Elaine: Why can't he play for us?
Jerry: They're only comfortable with *their* equipment.
Elaine: We just got along *so* great.
Jerry: Of course you did. Everyone gets along great when there's no possibility of sex.
Elaine: No, no, no, I sensed something. I did sense something. I perceived a possibility Jerry.
Jerry: You realize you're venturing into uncharted waters.
Elaine: I realize that.
Jerry: Are you that desperate?
Elaine: Yes I am.
Jerry: So are you going to bring your gun?... All right, then it's settled. First date, no weapons... All right I'll see you then... Okay, bye.
Jerry: What are you looking for?
Kramer: Tupperware.
Jerry: Sorry. I don't have any tupperware.
Kramer: I knew this was going to happen. I just made a delicious casserole, but now it won't keep because I have no Tupperware.
Jerry: What about a plastic bag?
Kramer: You must be kidding.
Jerry: What is the difference?
Kramer: The patented burp, Jerry. It locks in freshness.
George: So I spoke a little to your little friend Denise last night.
Kramer: Oh yeah, you talked to her.
George: Yeah for two hours. She's nuts about you.
Kramer: Yeah well we go way back.
George: Why didn't anything happen between you two?
Kramer: Who's to say it didn't?
Jerry: So did you describe yourself to her over the phone?
George: Yes I did.
Jerry: What did you say to her?
George: What do you think I said?
Jerry: I don't know.
George: I told her the truth.
Jerry: As you see it?
George: Yes, as I see it.
Jerry: Did you tell her about, uh, your little hat there?
George: What hat?
Jerry: You know, you're little hair hat there.
George: No.
Jerry: Don't you think she could tell?
Kramer: No, no, no she can't tell. It's a perfect match. Beautiful job.
Jerry: Are you kidding? I could spot that bird's nest two blocks away.
George: You only think that because you know me.
Jerry: Have you noticed people staring at your head?
George: I noticed people staring at my head because they like what they see.
Jerry: Well I think you should either take it off or tell her about it.
Kramer: No he's not going to take it off. If he was going to go over there bald, I never would have introduced him.
George: Look, I guarantee she won't know.
Kramer: Yeah that's it. All right, I'm going to go down to the precinct. I'm going to have lunch with Lou.
Jerry: Oh, I'll split a cab with you.
Kramer: Hey I'm really sorry about the other day. Really sorry.
Homeless Man: Hey that's my coffee!
Jerry: Hi Sarge.
Tierney: Hi, I'm sorry I'm late. Some of our lineup decoys didn't show. Hey any of you guys want to be in the lineup? Make a quick 50 bucks?
Kramer: Sure. I will.
Tierney: Perfect. Just go over there with officer Lampert.
Speaker: All of you, turn to the left.
Speaker: The left.
Speaker: Now turn to the right.
George: (thinking to himself) Oh my god, there she is. That's the face, just like the picture.
Denise: George?
George: Yeah. Hi. It's great to meet you.
Denise: Likewise. Have you been waiting long?
George: No, no. I just got here. A few minutes ago.
Denise: Good, good.
George: Well why don't you take off your hat and stay awhile.
Jerry: What's that?
Tierney: A polygraph. It's what you civilians call a lie detector test.
Jerry: Oh. Let me ask you, when someone is lying, is it true that their pants are actually on fire?
Tierney: If I could tell you the famous faces that have been up here. A certain cast member of Melrose Place.
Jerry: Really.
Tierney: Have you ever seen the show?
Jerry: No.
Tierney: You can admit it Jerry. It's okay.
Jerry: I admit it. I don't watch it.
Tierney: Hey Lou, maybe we should put him on the poly.
Jerry: The poly?
Tierney: Yeah. I think you've seen it.
Elaine: Melrose Place?
Jerry: Yes. Melrose Place.
Elaine: I just didn't know you watched that.
Jerry: Well I do.
Elaine: I mean every time I mention it you never say anything or join in the conversation.
Jerry: Well maybe I was a little embarrassed.
Elaine: You mean this whole time we could have been discussing Sydney and Michael and Jane...
Jerry: And Billy and Jake and Allison, yes we could have discussed it.
Elaine: Why? Why were you so embarrassed?
Jerry: The point is I'm going to be taking this lie detector test and that needle's going to be going wild.
Elaine: That is *so* stupid. Why don't you just confess?
Jerry: It's too stupid to confess. Look at what I'm confessing to.
Elaine: So what are you going to do?
Jerry: I don't know. Maybe I can beat the machine.
Elaine: Oh, who do you think you are? Castanza?
Jerry: Hey you know what? I have access to one of the most deceitful, duplicitous, deceptive minds of our time. Who better to advise me?
Elaine: Oh god this tastes terrible.
Jerry: Did you shake it up?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: You gotta shake it up.
Elaine: No. I'm sick of shaking. You've got to shake everything.
Jerry: Yeah, that's a real nuisance. This is killing me.
Elaine: So, I'm going out tonight with Robert and the boss and his wife.
Jerry: So tonight are you going to make the move?
Elaine: Yeah, I think I might.
Jerry: Hey there he is. So what happened? Could she detect it?
George: That's an interesting question.
Jerry: How so?
George: How so? I'll tell you how so. She's bald!
Elaine: What do you mean bald?
George: What do you think I mean bald? Bald. Bald bald.
Jerry: She's bald?
George: She's bald.
Elaine: Oh come on.
George: Oh come on? No come on. She took off her hat and there she was (waving his hand over his head) hello. It was like I was looking at myself in the mirror.
Elaine: Well maybe she got a haircut or something.
George: Let me tell you something. No one walks into a beauty parlor and says "Give me the Larry Fine."
Jerry: Women go bald?
Elaine: Yeah, I've heard of that. I mean they usually wear a wig.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Hey.
George: You fixed me up with a bald woman.
Kramer: Bald?
George: Yeah, that's right.
Elaine: Do you see the irony here? You're rejecting somebody because they're bald.
George: So?
Elaine: (puts her hands up to her mouth) You're bald!
George: No I'm not. I *was* bald.
George: Elaine.
George: No, no, no Elaine.
Elaine: (shouting) I don't like this thing. And here's what I'm doing with it.
George: Nooooo.
Robert: Hahaha, why'd you start that fight with me?
Elaine: Well I figured that's what couples do.
Robert: You almost convinced me we were a couple.
Elaine: Well it was easy. Really.
Robert: Well good night, I'll call you tomorrow.
Elaine: Oh, uh, wait a second. Would you like to come, upstairs?
Robert: Upstairs?
Elaine: Yeah. Upstairs?
Robert: Elaine...
Elaine: I was hoping you know, that you might be interested in... changing teams?
Robert: Changing teams?
Elaine: Have you ever thought about it?
Robert: But I'm a starting shortstop.
Elaine: Robert, we need a shortstop. *Real bad*.
George: I tell you, when she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic, it's a pleasure.
Jerry: Good to have you back.
George: And you know what else I've decided to do? I'm going to keep seeing the bald woman.
Jerry: She's as good as anybody else.
George: Her scalp was clean. She had a nice skull. There just wasn't a lot of hair on it.
Jerry: Yeah you've had like a religious awakening. You're like a bald-again.
George: Going to need a little more coffee here.
Jerry: So George, how do I beat this lie detector?
George: I'm sorry, Jerry I can't help you.
Jerry: Come on, you've got the gift. You're the only one that can help me.
George: Jerry, I can't. It's like saying to Pavorotti, "Teach me to sing like you."
Jerry: All right, well I've got to go take this test. I can't believe I'm doing this.
George: Jerry, just remember. It's not a lie... if you believe it.
Elaine: Hey, I did it.
Jerry: What?
Elaine: I turned him. He defected.
Jerry: Get out! (pushes Elaine) How? How did you do that?
Elaine: Because I'm a *woman*. (swiveling her hips) Ba-ba-ba-boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom-boom- boom.
Jerry: Elaine, do you know what you've done? You've give hope to every woman who's ever said "Too bad he's gay".
Elaine: Well it's a lesson for the kids out there. Anything's possible. Jeromy, I have *hit* the jackpot. The perfect man. Nothing but sex and shopping.
Lou: What's your name?
Jerry: Jerry Seinfeld.
Lou: What is your address?
Jerry: 129 West 81st street.
Lou: Did Kimberly steal Jo's baby?
Jerry: I don't know.
Lou: Did Billy sleep with Allison's best friend?
Jerry: I don't know.
Lou: Did Jane's finance kidnap Sydney and take her to Las Vegas? And if so, did she enjoy it?
Jerry: I don't know.
Lou: Did Jane sleep with Michael again?
Jerry: (He hesitates) Yes! That stupid idiot. He left her for Kimberly, he slept with her sister. He tricked her into giving him half her business, and then she goes ahead and sleeps with him again. I mean she's crazy. How could she do something like that? Oh that Jane, she makes me so mad.
Jerry: He went back? What do you mean he went back?
Elaine: He went back.
Jerry: I don't understand it. You were having such a great time, the sex, the shopping.
Elaine: Well here's the thing. Being a woman, I only really have access to the, uh... equipment, what, thirty, forty-five minutes a week. And that's on a good week. How can I be expected to have the same expertise as people who *own* this equipment, and have access to it twenty-four hours a day, their entire lives.
Jerry: You can't. That's why they lose very few players.
Elaine: Yeah, I guess I never really stood a chance.
Jerry: Well there's always a place for you, on our team.
Elaine: Yeah. (teary-eyed) Thanks. Is Melrose Place on?
Jerry: Yeah. It's coming on in a few minutes.
Elaine: Okay.
Jerry: Hey. Don't worry it hasn't started.
Elaine: Hey George, I am *really* proud of you. I really do admire what you've done.
George: Do you? That makes me so happy. Elaine's proud of me Jerry.
Elaine: What is the matter?
George: I got rejected by a bald woman. A bald woman rejected me. Heh, you like that one? A woman with no prospects and no *hair*, told me that I wasn't her type. Apparently *baldy* likes a slimmer guy.
Kramer: Well I'll tell you what I think. I think she saw you with that piece off and was devastated. You blew it boy. You really blew it. And you had to ruin it for him. Didn't you?
Elaine: I didn't ruin anything. He looked like an idiot. He did, and it made him act like a jerk.
Jerry: All right, shut up, shut up, Melrose Place is coming on.
Jerry: Oh that Michael, I hate him, he's just so smug.
Kramer: Hey, how you doing Stu? Eddie, my man. You again? Boy, you're a slippery one. You'd better straighten up and fly right buddy boy.
Man: I've got an eyewitness to that jewelry store break-in. Come here. Do you recognize anybody in the lineup?
Homeless Man: That's the guy officer. The guy there in the middle. The tall guy with the, with the high hair. I'd recognize him anywhere.
Man: Hey you, you with the high hair, step forward.
Kramer: Me?


George: Say it's Saturday night in Spain. They go out dancing. You think they do the flamenco?
Jerry: I would think.
George: So you could call a woman for a date, ask her if she's free for Dinner and a flamenco?
Jerry: (scoffs) You don't flamenco on the first date.
George: Boy, I wish the flamenco was popular here.
Jerry: Yeah? Would you do it?
George: Yes, I think I would.
Jerry: Well, I knew you'd have an affinity for it, because it's the dance of a very proud people.
Jerry: Hello. (listens) Oh, hi Nana. (listens) What? Oh. Oh, alright, okay. Don't worry about it. (listens) Okay, I'll see you later. Alright, bye.
Jerry: I have to go over to my grandmother's.
George: What for?
Jerry: I have to open a bottle of ketchup for her.
George: So, what, no lunch?
Jerry: No, we have time.
George: Oh. How's she doing?
Jerry: Ah, she's starting to slip a little. Sometimes she has Difficulty distinguishing between the past and the present.
George: Ah. You know, there's gotta be an easier way to open ketchups. They should make it in a tube.
Jerry: Like toothpaste?
George: Ya-hah.
Jerry: There's a squeeze ketchup.
George: I've seen squeeze mustard. I've never seen squeeze ketchup.
Jerry: Well, if they make squeeze mustard, doesn't it stand to reason that they make squeeze ketchup?
George: Not necessarily. Mustard lends itself to the squeeze.
Jerry: I really don't see the difference.
George: Oh, there's a difference. It's subtle.
Jerry: It's subtle.
George: Hey uh, isn't Elaine supposed to meet us?
Jerry: (looking ahead) Yeah, there she is. Uh-oh.
George: What?
Jerry: Ah, she's with her friend Wendy.
George: Wendy? Is that the uh, physical therapist?
Jerry: Yeah. I'm on a kiss hello program with her.
George: Really?
Jerry: Yeah. Every time I see her, I gotta kiss her hello. I just did it once, on her birthday, somehow it mushroomed. Now I dread seeing her because of it.
Elaine: (from a distance) Hey.
George: You know, I'm down to one kiss hello. My aunt Sylvia.
Jerry: Ah, that's fortunate. I really admire that.
George: (surprise) Huh. I never heard you say you admire me for anything.
Jerry: No, I told you I admire your hearing.
Jerry: No, don't slough that off, you have great hearing.
George/Jerry/Elaine/Wendy: Hey/Hi/Hello (etc.)
Elaine: (to Wendy) Wendy, George. (to George) Wendy.
George: You're uh, physical therapist, right?
Wendy: Yes.
George: You know, I got this little swelling right here. (rolls up his sleeve to expose his wrist) It's kinda painful. What d'you make of it?
Elaine: (warning) George.
Wendy: Have you tried heat and ice on it?
George: (reluctant) Oh that uh, that seems like a lotta trouble.
Wendy: Well, you could come by my office later, I could work on it for you a little.
George: (happy) Oh! Okay.
Wendy: Let me give you my card.
George: Oh, thank you.
Wendy: Well, I'll see you guys later. (to George) Nice meeting you. Bye Elaine.
Elaine: Bye Wendy. I'm sorry.
Wendy: Bye Jerry.
Jerry: Bye.
Elaine: (slapping George on the arm) What did you do that for?
George: What?
Elaine: (pinching George's arm) Ask about your arm.
George: I still don't see why I can't ask her about my arm.
Elaine: She's a physical therapist. She doesn't want to have to deal with that outside of the office.
George: Why not?
Elaine: Because, it is what she does.
George: I love these people, you can't ask 'em questions. (getting excited) They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office. (worked up) When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!
Elaine: George, you got a little something, right here.
George: (wiping the area with a hand) People think they're so important...
Jerry: (adamant) Well, I'm going on record right now that that was my last kiss hello. I am getting off the kiss program with her.
Elaine: Why?
Jerry: Well, you know, frankly, outside of a sexual relationship, I don't see the point to it. I'm not thrilled with all the handshaking either, but one step at a time.
George: (regarding the menu) What're you getting?
Jerry: (to Elaine) And what's with that hairdo, by the way?
Elaine: Huh, yeah, I know. It's not very flattering.
Jerry: She looks like something out of an old high school yearbook. You should say something to her.
Elaine: Oh, I could never say anything to her about that.
Jerry: Yeah. Kramer's the only person who could say something like that.
Elaine: Yeah. Hah.
George: Well, just tell Kramer to tell her.
Elaine: No. If you tell him to do it, he'll never do it.
Jerry: What you have to do is introduce him, and then he'll just come out with it.
Elaine: (sharp intake of breath) Hoh. Yes, yes, you're right. That's right. I'll bring her over to meet...
Elaine: (to Kramer) ...Kramer.
Kramer: Hello, boys and girls.
Jerry: Speak of the devil.
Kramer: Yeah. Hey listen, I uh, I need a picture of you, buddy.
Jerry: What for?
Kramer: Well, I'm uh, I'm putting everybody's picture up in the lobby of our building.
Jerry: Why?
Kramer: So everyone will know everybody's name. See, people are gonna be a lot friendlier.
Jerry: (reluctant) I, I don't want my picture plastered up in the lobby.
Kramer: Imagine walking by someone on the floor, and you say "Hey, Carl!" and he says "Hey, Jerry!" You see, that's the kind of society I wanna live in.
Jerry: (still reluctant) Kramer, I don't wanna stop and talk with everyone, every time I go in the building. I just wanna nod and be on my way.
Kramer: (to Elaine) You know your eyeliner's smudged a little. Why do you wear so much eye makeup?
Elaine: (to Jerry, indicating Kramer) Yeah. This is gonna work out just fine.
Leo: Ma! Again with the ketchup? Don't they have 'em in the plastic squeeze containers?
Leo: (traditional greeting) Jerry! Hello!
Jerry: Hello, uncle Leo!
Leo: What're you doing here?
Jerry: Nana called me to open the ketchup bottle.
Leo: Yeah, me too.
Nana: Hello Jerry.
Jerry: Hi Nana.
Leo: Aren't you gonna kiss her hello?
Jerry: Yes. (kisses Nana) Yes of course.
Nana: Ha, well, here's the bottle.
Leo: (grabbing the bottle) I'll do it.
Jerry: (also grabbing) What're you doing, I got it.
Leo: Give it to me.
Jerry: Will you stop it.
Leo: Jerry, will you give me the bottle?
Jerry: Uncle Leo! (releasing his grip) Alright! Take it!
Nana: You should let Buddy open it.
Leo: Buddy? He lived next door to us forty-five years ago.
Nana: Leo, did you give Helen the fifty dollars?
Leo: What fifty dollars?
Nana: Your father won a thousand dollars at the track last week, and he gave you a hundred, and you were supposed to give fifty dollars to your sister.
Leo: Ma, dad died in nineteen-sixty-two.
Leo: (laughing off Nana's confusion) Believe me. I don't owe your mother fifty dollars.
Jerry: I'm just not getting any hot water.
Julio: Hey, believe me, I know there's nothing worse than when your shower's not working. I'm gonna take care of it as soon as I can, Jerry.
Jerry: Thanks, Julio.
Julio: Awright.
Jerry: Huh?
Kramer: (surprised) Hey, hey hey hey. Hello!
Jerry: What's going on here?
Kramer: (evasive) Ohh, nothing, nothing.
Jerry: (suspicious) Well, then what're you doing?
Kramer: Oh, I, I need a pen.
Jerry: What for?
Kramer: Well, I'm making out my will. Oh, I got a big slice of dough for you, buddy. And you too, Elaine, I haven't forgotten you.
Jerry: (accusingly) You're looking for a picture of me, aren't you?
Kramer: You got that straight.
Jerry: I told you, forget it.
Kramer: Oh, come on, Jerry. If everybody knew everybody, we wouldn't have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don't rob somebody, if you know their name!
Jerry: You're robbing me.
Kramer: Well, I'm gonna get your picture, and you're gonna participate in my program.
Elaine: Wha... W.. Are you going home?
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: Uh, could you come back in about five minutes?
Kramer: Why?
Elaine: No reason. (big smile) Just wanna see you again.
Jerry: (removing his coat) So? Are you sure Wendy's coming?
Elaine: Yeah, she'll be here any second.
Jerry: Well, this'll be a very interesting experiment to see if Kramer says something. You sure you wanna go through with this?
Elaine: Listen, Jerry. She never dates, and I know it's because of her hair.
Jerry: Hello. Oh, hi mom. Yeah, I was at Nana's yesterday. I had to help her open a ketchup bottle. Hey, mom, let me ask you a question. Do you remember when you were a kid, your father winning like a thousand dollars at the track? (listens) Really? Did you know he gave uncle Leo a hundred dollars, and he was supposed to give you fifty? (listens) How do I know? Because Nana doesn't know what year it is, and she thinks this just happened. (listens) Well, I think you should. Okay, bye.
Morty: Do you know what the interest on that fifty dollars comes to over fifty-three years?
Helen: Oh, Morty, please.
Morty: Six hundred and sixty-three dollars and forty-five cents. And that's figuring conservatively at five percent interest, over fifty-three years, compounded quarterly. Or, if you put it into a ten-year T-bill...
Helen: Morty, will you stop it!
Morty: (determined) Well, he's not getting away with this!
Jerry: Yeah?
Wendy (O.C.): Wendy.
Jerry: Come on up.
Elaine: Well, this is it. Shall I go get Kramer?
Jerry: No no, he'll come in. Well, this is gonna be my first opportunity to not kiss her hello.
Elaine: What is the big deal about putting your lips on somebody's face?
Jerry: It's the obligation, you know? As soon as this person comes in, you know you have to do this. I mean, if you could, say, touch a breast as part of the kiss hello, then I think I could see the value in it a little better.
Elaine: How 'bout an intercourse hello? How would that be?
Jerry: Elaine, now you're being ridiculous.
Elaine: (indicating) That's her. That's her.
Elaine/Wendy: Hi/Hey.
Jerry: (muffled) Hi Wendy.
Wendy: Oh, hi Jerry.
Jerry: (muffled) Would you like something to drink?
Wendy: Sure.
Jerry: (muffled) There you go.
Wendy: (taking the bottle) Ah.
Jerry: Oh, look at that. I'm almost outta Klondike bars.
Jerry: So, how's everything going?
Wendy: Oh, okay. Oh, your friend George came by the office the other day, and then yesterday he cancelled on me.
Jerry: Oh, yeah, he had to take his mother to the chiropodist.
Elaine: Oh, you hear that? That must be Kramer.
Kramer: Hey! Jerry!
Jerry: C'mon, that's not fair!
Kramer: I told you I was gonna get it.
Jerry: No, c'mon Kramer. (crossing to Kramer) Gimme that picture.
Kramer: (holding the picture away from Jerry) Aagh. No no no no no.
Jerry: (throws up his hands) Alright, fine. Put my picture up. What do I care?
Elaine: Uh, Kramer. Kramer, I'd like you to meet my friend Wendy.
Kramer: Oh, hello.
Wendy: (holds out her hand) Hi.
Kramer: (shaking hands) Yeah.
Kramer: (points) You know, I really like that hairdo.
Wendy: (flattered) Oh. Thank you. I actually was thinking it might be time for a change.
Elaine: (hopeful) Oh, you were?
Wendy: Well, I...
Kramer: (interrupting) Oh, no no no. You don't wanna do that. No no. Nobody wears it like that.
Elaine: Kramer, if she wants to change her hair...
Kramer: No, no. you'd be a damn fool to change it. It's very becoming.
Wendy: Oh, well.
Wendy: (laughs, flattered) Oh, ho.
Wendy: So, who's that friend of yours? That guy that came in.
Elaine: Oh, Kramer.
Wendy: Yeah. Does he have a girlfriend?
Elaine: You wanna go out with him?
Wendy: Well, why not?
Elaine: Well, it's just that... uh, I don't...
Wendy: What, is there anything wrong with him?
Wendy: Elaine?
Elaine: I'm just thinking about the question.
George: You know, my arm feels a lot better. That Wendy really knows her stuff. (he writes out a cheque)
Receptionist: (perky) She is super. Same time tomorrow.
George: (tearing out cheque) Yeah, same time. (hands over cheque) There you go.
Receptionist: Oh. Ah, you owe a hundred and fifty.
George: What for?
Receptionist: Well, you cancelled on Tuesday, and our policy is "twenty-four hours notice, for all cancellations".
George: (agitated) Well, I, I couldn't come. I, I had to drive my mother to, to the chiropodist.
Wendy: What's the problem?
George: (harassed) Are you aware that I'm being charged for Tuesday's appointment? I had to take my mother to the chiropodist.
Wendy: Well, I'm sorry, that's our policy.
George: (after Wendy and to the receptionist) Oh, you have a policy! (to the world at large) The delicate genius has a policy! George heads for the door.
Receptionist: So. Will you be here tomorrow?
George: Well, it's less than twenty-four hours, so I guess I have to!
Kramer: Hey! (indicating photos) So what d'you think? You like it?
Jerry: Oh my god! Look at that picture, it's terrible...
Jerry: ...You can't put that picture up.
Kramer: Well, it's not a beauty contest. It's just a way for people to get to know one another.
Steve: Hey Cosmo.
Kramer: Hey...
Kramer: ...Steve. (to Jerry) Ah, you see?
Elaine: Hey Kramer, my friend Wendy wants to go out with you.
Kramer: (interested) Well, how do you do?
Mary: Hello, (finds the right photo) Jerry.
Jerry: Oh. Hello, uh (looks for and finds the photo) Mary.
Mary: You know, I've seen you so many times and now we can finally talk to each other.
Kramer: (keen) What was I telling you? Isn't this nice?
Jerry: (not really) Yeah.
Mary: Jerry. You know, could you help me with a package?
Jerry: Oh, sure, yeah.
Mary: Thank you.
Jerry: Oh, no!
Jerry: You see? That's just what I need. More kissing!
Elaine: (laughs) Hee, hee, hee. Hee hee hee...
Jerry: What is so funny?
Elaine: Nothing, nothing. (laughs out loud)
Jerry: Hello. Oh, hi mom. (listens) What? Oh my... He didn't?! He couldn't! (listens) Alright, I will. (listens) Okay, bye.
Jerry: (aghast) Uncle Leo put Nana in a home!
Elaine: Why?
Jerry: (suspicious) I don't know. Maybe to keep her quiet.
Joan: Hi Jerry. (she kisses Jerry) Mmmwah.
Jerry: (not as eager) Hi Joan.
Joan: How you doing?
Jerry: Pretty good.
Joan: Just pretty good? Not great?
Jerry: Okay, great.
Joan: Are you happy?
Jerry: Oh, I'm delighted.
Joan: Okay. Have a nice day.
Jerry: You too.
Louise: Hi Jerry.
Jerry: Hi, Louise.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Ah, well. Thank you very much!
Kramer: For what?
Jerry: (agitated) For putting my picture up on that wall! I'm like Richard Dawson down there now. And every person I see engages me in this long, boring, tedious, conversation. I can't even get out of the building!
Kramer: You should be thanking me for liberating you from your world of loneliness and isolation. Now, you're part of a family.
Jerry: Family?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: You think I want another family? My father's demanding my uncle pay interest on fifty dollars he was supposed to give my mother in nineteen-forty-one, and my uncle put my nana in a home to try and shut her up! And I tell you another thing, Cosmo Kramer, whatever you wanna be called. The kissing thing is over. There's no more kissing, and I don't care what the consequences are.
Receptionist: Oh, hi. Mister Costanza, we were trying to get in touch with you. Wendy can't make her appointment.
George: What d'you mean?
Receptionist: She had some personal affair she had to attend to. I left a message on your machine. You didn't get it?
George: When did you leave the message?
Receptionist: Few hours ago.
George: (pointedly) Oh, I'm sorry, I require twenty-four hours notice for a cancellation. Now, as I see it, you owe me seventy-five dollars.
Receptionist: Look, Mister Costanza...
George: Will that be cash, or cheque?
Wendy: I am really glad I took the day off.
Elaine: Oh, yeah, there's nothing better than skiing.
Wendy: Yeah. I hope my clients weren't too upset.
Elaine: Ugh, the hell with 'em.
Elaine: What're you stopping here for?
Wendy: I'm dropping you off.
Elaine: (pointing) Oh, no, I'm three more blocks.
Wendy: Yeah, but if I take you to your door, then I have to go all the way around Central Park West, back to Columbus, you know it's all one way...
Elaine: Yeah, but it's only three blocks.
Wendy: Right. It's only three blocks.
Elaine: (unbuckling her seatbelt) Alright, well...
Elaine: She'd driven me a hundred and twenty miles and, all of a sudden, three blocks from my door, she decides this trip is over. Isn't that strange?
Jerry: Yes, it's very strange. Very strange.
Elaine: I've never heard of anything like this. I mean, it's almost as if I was hitch-hiking and she says "Well, this is as far as I can take you."
Jerry: I tell you. If you were hitch-hiking, you'd never get into a car with someone with a hairdo like that.
Elaine: I had to carry my skis, and my boots and my poles. I think I pinched a nerve in my shoulder.
Jerry: You should have her work on it for you.
Elaine: Yeah, alright, I gotta go.
Mar: Hi Jerry.
Jerry: Hi Mary.
Jerry: Uh, listen. I decided I can't kiss hello anymore. I'm sorry. It's nothing personal...
Jerry: ...It just makes me a little uncomfortable and I can't do it. I'm sorry.
Lou: Hi Jerry.
Jerry: Hi Louise...
Jerry: ...I was just telling Mary how I'm not gonna be doing the kiss hello thing anymore. (continues backing away) I'm sorry. I just can't do it. It's nothing personal, it's just I'm not really able to do it and uh, I'm sorry.
Jerry: (as the elevator doors close) Thank you for your cooperation.
Jerry: Hello.
Helen (V.O): Jerry?
Jerry: Hi mom. So, what's happening with uncle Leo? Is he paying you?
Helen: Well, he said no. He said we had no proof.
Morty: No proof? We'll get him. He's a crook, sooner or later, he'll slip up.
Helen: Uh, anyway, I want you to go check on Nana at the home.
Jerry: Okay, I will.
Morty: D'you realise, an above-average performing growth mutual fund for fifty-three years...
Kramer: What's up?
Jerry: (locking his door) Oh, I gotta go visit my nana in the nursing home.
Kramer: Oh.
Jerry: Hey, Kramer, look at this.
Jerry: Look at my picture!
Jerry: I've been defaced!
Kramer: Hey, don't you worry buddy. I made double prints.
Jack: Hey. Hi Cosmo.
Kramer: Oh, hey, Jack. How you doing?
Jerry: Hi Jack.
Jerry: Hey, Julio. I was wondering, could you get to that shower today, You think?
Julio: Oh, I see. When you need something done, you're very friendly to people, huh?
Jerry: (defensive) No no, that's not true!
Julio: (accusing) Well, I think it is! It's a big building, Seinfeld, maybe I'll get to it someday. After I take care of the people who're civil to each other.
Nurse: Yeah, she's upstairs, playing cards.
Jerry: You know, she really doesn't belong here. My uncle put her here, Because he's trying to prove he doesn't owe my mother fifty dollars.
Nurse: Well, she seems very happy. She met an old friend who used to live next door to her.
Jerry: Buddy?
Nurse: Yes, that's his name. He's right over there.
Wendy: (smiling) I'm sorry, I don't owe you anything. I had some personal business that day.
George: (irascible) Oh, I see. So your time is more valuable than mine. Is that it? You're a delicate genius!
Wendy: A delicate genius?
George: Elaine?
Elaine: (surprised) George!
George: (leaving) Hah. Good luck.
Wendy: What's going on?
Elaine: (feeling her arm) Wendy, I injured my shoulder, Wednesday, when you dropped me off and I had to carry my skis, and my boots, and my poles and everything, all the way home. I'm, I'm having trouble lifting my arm. Do you think you could give me some treatment?
Wendy: Oh sure. You have insurance, right?
Elaine: (shocked) Insurance? You're charging me?
George: Wednesday? That's your personal business?! (stalks over to the counter) Skiing?! (angry) So let people suffer, while you're shushing all over a mountain?
Wendy: How did you hear that?
George: I hear everything.
Wendy: I mean, why don't you two just take your business elsewhere, hmm?
Elaine: Oh, huh huh, that is a good idea. C'mon George.
George: Yeah. Let's go.
Elaine: (pointedly) And you know, you might wanna do something about that hair.
Wendy: Why, what's wrong with my hair?
Elaine: Huh, I think it's a little old-fashioned. Don't you? (to receptionist) Uh, tell her.
Receptionist: She's right.
Jerry: So you were with him that day at the track?
Buddy: Oh yeah. He won a thousand dollars. His son was there too.
Jerry: Leo?
Buddy: Yeah, that's it. Leo. Ooh, what an obnoxious little kid. He used to steal my soda bottles. and cash 'em in for the deposits, uh?
Jerry: Is that so?
Buddy: And, after your grandfather hit the daily double, he gave him a hundred dollars, and told him to give fifty to his sister. His sister? Why I tell you he shoulda give it to me for all the bottles he took!
Jerry: Well, that's very interesting.
Jerry: (standing) Uncle Leo! I just met an old acquaintance of yours. (indicates Buddy) You remember Buddy. He just told me quite a story about you and Grandpa at the track.
Leo: (defensive) One second...
Jerry: (with a triumphant point) You're busted!
Jerry: Hey, Steve. How you doing?
Jerry: Hey, Jeff. What's happening?
Jerry: Mary! Oh, Mary! Give us a kiss.
Jerry: Don't be like that, Mary. C'mon, I made a mistake!
Mary: (contemptuous) Look, why don't you do everybody a favour, and just get out of this building? (angry) Nobody wants you here. Nobody!
Jeff: Hi Mary.
Mary: Hi Jeff. How are you?
Mary: Hi Pete. How you doing?
Pete: Hey, let's go get some coffee.
Jeff: Great idea.
Mary: Oh, that'd be great.
Jerry: Oh, Paul, could you hold that door...
Kramer: Hi.
Jerry: Hey. Could I use your shower?
Kramer: What, again? You took one this morning.
Jerry: (pleading) I got a date. C'mon, please.
Kramer: I know but I... (waves toward the interior of his apartment) Little problem.
Kramer: (leaning to look round Kramer) Wendy here?
Kramer: No no no. She changed her hairstyle, (pulls a face) it's terrible. No, we're done.
Guy: I'll go get some more beer.
Kramer: Oh yeah, yeah, great. (calling after the guy) And get some of those blue corn chips.
Kramer: Hey.
Stefanie: Hi Cosmo.
Kramer: Hi.
Stefanie: (kisses Kramer hello) Mmmwah.
Kramer: Ooh, I like that.
Jerry: (impressed) Who's that?
Kramer: Stefanie. 2-G.
Jerry: Oh man. Looks like you got quite a few people here.
Kramer: Yeah yeah. Well uh, you know, I'd invite you in, but uhm... you know.
Jerry: (rueful acceptance) Oh, yeah, I understand.