[Setting: The Coffee Shop]
Jerry: Hairdo?
Elaine: (Looking up from a menu) Yeah.
Jerry: You look like Brenda Starr.
Elaine: Is that good?
Jerry: It's better than Dondi.
Elaine: Hey, my God, look at that. (Jerry looks over at the table. A man and a woman are dining) David and Beth Lookner. (Leaning in for confidentiality) You know, I heard a rumor their marriage was a little rocky.
Jerry: (Interested, still looking at the couple) Really?
Elaine: Mm-hmm.
Jerry: You know, I have a little thing for Beth Lookner.
Elaine: Well, I have to admit, I've always thought David was kind of sponge-worthy. (Winks, making a clicking sound with her tongue)
Jerry: Yeah.. I've been waitin' out their marriage for three years.
Elaine: Yeah, me too. Well, I've been waiting out two or three marriages, but this is the one I really had my eye on.
George: This car out there is taking up, like, three parking spaces.
Elaine: Oh, (Laughs at George's misfortune) that's mine.
George: You have a car?
Elaine: Well, my friend, Elise, lent it to me for the week. She's out of town.
Jerry: (Noting) You know, I've never seen you drive.
George: Me either.
Beth: (Unsure as to whether it's him or not) Jerry? Elaine, Hi!
Elaine: (Overly generous) Hi, David!
Jerry: Hi, Beth!
Beth: Oh, uh, George, (Introducing to two) this is my husband, David.
George: Oh, hi.. (They shake hands)
David: Hello. So, George, uh, you're the one who works for the Yankees, right?
George: Yeah. Why, what do you do?
David: Well, I sell insurance, but Beth used to be Don Mattingly's doctor.
George: Really?
Beth: Mm-hm.
David: Yeah.
George: (Laughs slightly) A physician married to a salesman. (Chuckles) Well, I gotta tell you, Beth, you coulda done a lot better than him.
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Kramer: Hey!
Jerry: Hey. Hey, Mickey. What's going on?
Mickey: I'm very nervous. I'm auditioning to be in the Actor's Studio tonight.
Jerry: Really?
Kramer: It's a method, Jerry. It's intense. (Clicks his tongue)
Mickey: Kramer's going to be my scene partner.
Jerry: Kramer?
Mickey: He doesn't have to say anything, he just has to sit there. I'm playing a detective.
Kramer: Yeah, and I'm playing a business man accused of murder.
Jerry: Ohh boy. Well, I gotta meet Elaine and run some errands. So.. (Goes for his coat)
Kramer: (Fixing up his pants) Yeah.. look at this, Mickey. These pants are fallin' apart, huh?
Jerry: (Fishing for his keys in a kitchen drawer) You know, when I first met you, Kramer, you used to wear jeans all the time.
Kramer: (Looking over Mickey's shoulder at the script) Yeah, well, I was a different man then.
Jerry: (Jokingly playing off Kramer's statement) With a different body.
Kramer: (Slightly offended) Hey, I got the body of a.. taught, pre-teen, Swedish boy.
Jerry: Ehh, I dunno..
Kramer: Now, what are you thinkin'? (Getting upset) You think that I'm not able to wear jeans anymore? Is that what you're sayin'? Because if that's what you're sayin', Jerry, I'll go and I'll buy some jeans. (Jerry shrugs. Kramer raises his voice to a menacing tone) I swear to God I will! (Jerry's showing off a skeptical face.
[Setting: Elaine's car]
Elaine: God, it is so great to drive again. I miss it so much! (Suddenly swerves to the right, then yells out of her window) How about a left turn signal, ya moron?!
Jerry: (His thoughts) I'm so nauseous. She's the worst driver.
Elaine: You know what? On my first road test, I hit a dog. (Jerry nods, blinking) I think it was a golden retriever. No, no, no, it was a - it was a yellow lab. (Picks up the car phone) I'm gonna check my messages. (Begins to dial as she pulls up to a pedestrian crosswalk. She stops right before hitting a man crossing the street)
Man: Hey!
Jerry: (Once again, the audience hears his thoughts) I'm so car sick. I'm gonna vomit!
Elaine: Oh my God! Jerry! My friend, Kim called - David and Beth got separated last night!
Jerry: (Out of it) Huh?
Elaine: They're gettin' divorced! (Quickly breaks, stopping traffic)
[Setting: Monk's coffee shop]
Elaine: So, now, what is our move? What do we do?
Jerry: I don't know, but we don't have much time.
Elaine: (Agreeing) Mm.
Jerry: The city's probably teeming with people who've been waiting out that marriage.
Elaine: Right.
Jerry: It's like when tenant dies in a rent controlled building - you gotta take immediate action.
Elaine: Yeeah, but David and Beth are going to need their grieving time.
Jerry: Their grieving time is a luxury I can't afford. I'm calling Beth tonight, and if you want a clean shot at David, I suggest you do likewise.
Elaine: (Nodding) Yeah, yeah..
Jerry: But we gotta make it seem like we're not calling for dates.
Elaine: Then why are we calling?
Jerry: Good question. (More to himself than to Elaine) Why are we calling?
Elaine: Ah! (Jerry has a surprised look) I've got it! I've got it! We're calling just to say, "I'm there for you."
Jerry: (Nodding, trying it out) "I'm there for you."
Elaine: Then, after a period of being "there for you", we slowly remove the two words "for you", and we're just (Makes a "ta-da!" gesture) "there".
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
Elaine: Hey.
Jerry: Hey, remember Beth and David from yesterday? They got separated.
George: Really? (Realizes) Well, you don't think it had anything to do with what I said, do you?
Jerry: What'd you say?
George: You know, that, that thing about her being too good for him. I mean, I was just bein' folksy. They could tell I was just being folksy..?
Elaine: Yeah, I thought you were being folksy.
George: Totally folksy.
Jerry: hey, uh.. (Kramer walks around a little) what'd you get there?
Kramer: Uh, yeah, I bought Dungarees.
Elaine: Kramer, they're painted on!
Kramer: Well, they're slim-fit.
Jerry: Slim-fit?
Kramer: (Talking fast) Yeah, they're streamlined.
Jerry: You're walkin' like Frankenstein!
Kramer: (Making his way toward the door) What? They just gotta be worked in a little bit, that's all. (Pulling the door shut behind him) Alright, see you later.
[Setting: Elaine's apartment]
Elaine: (Mock sympathy) Well.. David, it happens.
Jerry: Sure, Beth, these things happen. (Brief pause) So, have you told many.. people yet?
Elaine: Because it's really nobody's business.
Jerry: Anyway, I just called to tell you that, I'm there for you.
Elaine: "There" is, um.. anywhere you want me to be..
Jerry: Sure, dinner would be fine.
Elaine: And I could just be there. (Adding) For you.
Kramer: Jerry, you gotta help me!
Jerry: What's wrong?
Kramer: I can't get my pants off, and Mickey's audition is in twenty minutes! You know, I'm supposed to be a business man, I gotta be in costume!
Jerry: Alright, alright. Uh, undo them. I'll help you get them off.
Kramer: (Bracing himself on a bar stool) Yeah, I already did it. It won't come off. The zipper's suck..
Jerry: (Walks over and starts pulling on Kramer's pants) You just gotta wiggle your hips a little bit.
Kramer: (Wiggling and floppin) Pull Down
Jerry: (Stops pulling on the pants) Alright, alright, That's no good. (Moves Kramer over to the couch) Let me try getting them from the bottom. (Goes for Kramer's Leg) Just gimme one leg.
Kramer: (Feet off the ground, his body going everywhere on the couch) Wait, Jerry...Wait a minu...
Jerry: (Still pulling on Kramer's pants from the ankles) Man these are tight. (Yanking) Squinch your hips in
Jerry: (Still pulling) Squinch em!
Kramer: (Getting Pulled and pulled) I...um...ei...
Jerry: (Stops) Alright, that's not gonna work, it's not gonna work. Let me just think for a second here.
Kramer: (Starts to tilt back onto the couch) You better get me. (Falls back and Jerry starts to him upright) Get me up, Get me up, Get me up.
Jerry: Hold it, hold it...Look your gonna need the jaws of life to get out of those things.
Kramer: (walking toward the door) Look I don't have time to wait, I'm gonna be late.
Jerry: (Kramer waddling out the door) Maybe you can soak in the tub.
Kramer: You better get the door.
[Setting: Restaurant]
Beth: It was nice to get your call.
Jerry: Well, I just want you to know I'm there for you. Course now I'm here for you, but when i'm not here for you, i'm there for you.
Beth: (Laughing) Well where ever you are i appreciate it.
Jerry: So how did this all happen?
Beth: Well actually, it had a lot to do with George's comment.
Jerry: (stunned) Is that right?
Beth: I thought maybe i could do better.
Jerry: Maybe, maybe
Beth: Well it wasn't just that, i realized after 3 years of marriage that David's little quirks were getting on my nerves a little.
Jerry: (agreeing) well three years is a long time to be married.
Beth: Like in the middle of our fight last night he did this thing that he always does where he asks questions to himself, aloud. And then answers them.
David: Am I happy Beth left me? Of course not. Do I hope to pick up the pieces and move on? Absolutely
Elaine: You're gonna pick up the pieces.
David: Just had our third anniversary on April 8th
Elaine: 10th
David: (very sad) right
Elaine: Right
David: (Mad) You know as far as I'm concerned, this whole thing is George's fault
Elaine: Well, David the thing about George is that he's an idiot.
[Setting: Play House]
Casting Director: Alright, auditioning next is Mickey Abbott (Mickey starts looking around for Kramer and checks his watch) Doing a scene from the Terrance Clifford play "Press wounds in Ithaca"
Mickey: (stands up) Sorry my scene partner isn't here yet so I guess uh..(Kramer enters and runs into some chairs) Oh
Kramer: Hey, sorry I'm late.
Mickey: (quietly talking to Kramer) What's with the jeans you're supposed to be a business man
Kramer: I know, it's a long story.
Mickey: Well just get up there
Mickey: So, Bradley. I guess this is the last place you expected to find yourself.
Kramer: (takes a breath)
Mickey: Well we're gonna be here a while so take a seat. (Kramer starts trying to sit down, Mickey has his back to him and gets out a pack of cigarettes, Mickey then turns around once he has his cigarette to find Kramer struggling to sit down) You know if it hadn't been for that secretary of yours...I said sit down! (Kramer still trying to sit down, Mickey throws the pack of cigarettes to the floor) Are you deaf Bradley?! I said sit down!
Kramer: (still trying to sit down, says under his breath) I'm trying. {hard to make out}
Mickey: (almost starts to laugh) Bradley! (looking to the crowd) It's very important that you sit down (Kramer still trying to sit down) Now for the last time, (angry) Try again to Sit Down! (Running at Kramer with his arms in the air) Sit down you big stupid Ape! (Mickey tackles Kramer)
[Setting: Jerry's Apartment]
Elaine: Did I have a great time with David Lickner last night? I sure did. (Jerry comes over to the couch with a beverage and sits down) Do I think there is a future here? I don't see why not.
Jerry: I'll tell you, that There for you crap was a stroke of genius.
Elaine: Ooooh, please.
Jerry: Never mind
Elaine: Ah come on
Jerry: You're a Genius!
Elaine: Aaalright!
Elaine: Mmmnn, Georgie!
George: (confused) What, what's going on?
Jerry: What's going on? You're the man of the hour, That's what's going on.
Elaine: Right
George: What do you mean?
Elaine: Well thanks to you and your little comment there to David and Beth. Jerry and I are in prime pouncing position to scoop these two up (Jerry and Elaine do a little slow dance of joy) before they know what hit em.
George: So it was my comment that broke them up?
Jerry: According to them
Elaine: Ya
George: I feel terrible, I can't be responsible for breaking up a marriage. Oh no (starting moving for the door, Elaine begins to stop him)
Jerry: (moving over to block the door) Where are you going?
George: Well I gotta go talk to Beth.
Jerry: Talk to Beth?
George: Well I gotta undo what I did.
Jerry: You're not undoing anything.
George: Oh yes I am
Jerry: Oh no you're not!
George: (starts to try to get passed Jerry and Elaine) Alright get out of my way. (Jerry and Elaine push him back, George very annoyed) Alright don't make me get physical here!
Elaine: (Put her finger in George's face) You be careful George.
[Setting: Beth's Apartment]
Beth: (Opens the door to reveal a ruffed up George) George?!
George: Hi Beth (Scene Ends then re-begins with Beth and George on Beth's couch) Um anyway Jerry told me that uh.. it might have been my comment in the Coffee Shop that broke you up.
Beth: Oh, well you know it's funny George. Sometimes you don't know how you're really feeling about something until a person like you comes along and articulates it so perfectly.
George: Oh (snorts) Articulate...Me? I've never articulated anything, i'm completely incoherent.
Beth: (gets up to answer the phone) I don't know about that. Hold on (Picks phone up) Hello...Hi (pauses for Jerry to speak) ya last night I had a good time too (pauses for Jerry to speak) Really? that's so funny he's here right now.
Jerry: (talking to Beth on the phone) Could you put him on, I'd love to say hello.
Beth: (talk to Jerry) Sure. (starts to hand George the phone) George it's Jerry.
George: He..he wants to talk to me?
Beth: Ya he says he wants to say hello.
George: Sweet guy (Receives the phone from Beth, Starts to talk to Jerry) Hello
Jerry: George what the hell are you doing over there? I told you to mind your own business now stay out of my affairs!
George: Oh Jerry, that is so sweet of you but actually i already ate.
Jerry: Ate? What? What the hell are you talking about? Now you listen to me, you get out of that apartment this instant. If you screw this up for me I swear...
George: (cuts into Jerry talking) Chocolate chip mint? Oh well, actually Jerry I prefer chocolate chip. What is it about the chocolate and the mint that makes it go so well together?
Jerry: What are you talking about?
George: Oh of course you can use it, sure. (Jerry saying stuff through the phone) Ok, bye. (hangs the phone up)
[Setting: Jerry's Apartment]
Kramer: Hey
Jerry: Hey, are you still wearing those things.
Kramer: Oh ya, I think they are starting to loosen up a bit. (Mrs. Anvino come to Jerry's threshold) Oh hi Mrs. Anvino.
Mrs. Anvino: Oh Kramer would you do me a favor my baby sitter hasn't show up could you come watch Joey for an hour I gotta run out.
Kramer: Sure Mrs. Anvino, ya.
Mrs. Anvino: He's sleeping already, you don't have to do anything, just wait till i get back
Kramer: (salutes Jerry on his way out) See you later buddy.
Jerry: See you later
Jerry: Hello
Beth: Hi Jerry it's Beth.
Jerry: (excited) Oh, Hi Beth
Beth: Hi, i've been doing a lot of thinking today and i don't know maybe i made a huge mistake
Jerry: (under his breath) George.
Beth: I'm feeling really confused.
Jerry: Um. I'll call you back ok?
Beth: ok
Jerry: Trouble
Elaine: What
Jerry: George
Elaine: is it?
Jerry: ya
Elaine: Dam
Jerry: What are we gonna do?
Elaine: What do we do? You get your ass over to Beth's, toot sweet. That's what you do and turn on some of that so called charm you're always telling me about.
Jerry: Ya i could try and do that.
Elaine: (Pushing Jerry) You don't try, you Do It! I got the loser in this relationship and I'm breathing new life into him, you give me three more days, he won't be able to remember her name. You got the winner, you got the easy part. Alright let's go (claps) I'll drive you over there. Come on.
Jerry: No you go on ahead, I'll take the bus.
Elaine: What? I'm parked right outside, let's go. Come on (grabs Jerry's arm) come on.
Jerry: No, no. I'll take the subway.
Elaine: (pulling Jerry out the door) Nah It doesn't matter come on, I'll take you.
Jerry: Na, uh, no, uh, I'll hitch hike.
Elaine: What's your Problem?
Jerry: It's really not necessary.
[Setting: Monk's]
George: (breaks a long silence) The uh, the shoe laces that you bought me, they uh, they worked out well. (thumbs up)
Susan: Well you know, if you need some more. I can get them for ya.
George: Should be a while though.
[Setting: Jerry and Elaine driving through the city]
Elaine: (Car tires screeching) Woah, ahhh. Hehe Ha ha ha. That was close. Confide in her, open up to her. You know women like that.
Jerry: I don't feel so good.
[Setting: Beth's apartment]
Jerry: Anyway Beth, you know i was thinking on my way over how when i was 9. I wanted these handball sneakers, they were all black but they came in adult sizes so you know i never got the sneakers. (Beth looks him confused)
Beth: Oh really?
[Setting: Elaine and David walking]
Elaine: My father left us when I was 9 so I guess that is why i have such a fear of abandonment.
David: Wow that's so touching
Elaine: Yes it is.
David: (Looking in through the window) Hey it's George
Elaine: Oh, maybe we should go some place else.
David: No, let's go in.
George: Oh uh hi Hi, David
David: Hi George
George: Elaine
Elaine: Hi
George: Listen uh, David, I, I, I want to apologize about that comment
David: (interrupting) George please, please I'm fine.
George: Oh ya, This is my fiance, Susan. This is David
Susan: David
David: Oh fiance. Boy you coulda done a lot better than him. (Susan laughs) Come on Elaine lets go.
[Setting: The Anvino Apartment]
Joey: (wakes up to see a shadow image of Kramer and takes off out of the apartment) Aah! It's Frankinstein! Frankinstein!
Kramer: (waddling after Joey) Joey! Joey!
[Setting: Apartment}
Girl: Mickey you were so incredible in that scene yesterday, the rage.
Mickey: Right, the rage. Tons of rage.
Kramer: (Going to the phone) I don't believe this
Mickey: (phone rings, sighs, answers) Hello?
Kramer: Mickey
Mickey: Oh Hi Kramer. What do you want, I'm a little busy.
Kramer: Look, you gotta do me a favor.
Mickey: What? Now? I can't
Kramer: Hey, you owe me. I got you into Actor's Studio. They thought what we did was the scene.
Mickey: Oh alright, alright. I'll be right over.
George: (coming back to the table from the bathroom) Oh uh. You ready?
Susan: (sighs) You know what George, uh. Why don't you go ahead. I think I'd like to be alone for a while.
George: Oh sure, sure. You wanna be alone, sure. I understand that, you wanna a little time to think uh thing..ponder things..you know..ruminant..(chuckles) you go ahead, lotta stuff on your mind..you think things out..Think, mull, mull, do a lot of mulling. (short laugh then exits Monk's)
[Setting: Anvino Apartment, Joey's bedroom]
Kramer: I gotta go find this kid. So all you gotta do is lay here, pretend you're asleep in case she gets back, here (grabs the covers and throws em over Mickey) keep the covers over ya.
Mickey: Why don't you just cut the stupid pants and get them off already/
Kramer: I'm breaking them in, and they're feeling better.
Mickey: What am I gonna do in here?
Kramer: Just keep the lights down and your eyes closed. I'll be back.
[Setting: Jerry's Apartment]
George: Jerry! Jerry! Je Jerry Jerry . The most unbelievable thing has just happened, it's too Unbelievable! I'm sitting in the coffee shop, i'm talking to Susan, were talking about shoe laces (does two guns to the head) so in walks..in walks David, right, he walks right to the table..righ I introduced him to Susan..and he says get this (laughs) he says 'boy you could do a lot better than this guy' huh right (more laughing by George, Jerry is totally just mellow and straight faced) The exact same thing that I said to him, just to get back at me just to get back at me..and then, and then she says she wants to be alone for awhile..Alone Jerry! I think that she thinks that she could do better (laughs) Do you appreciate this? Do you see the irony of this? Do you see what is going on here? What's the matter?
Jerry: I'm nauseous.
George: Is that what's hurting your appreciation for the story?
Jerry: A little
George: Because it's really a pretty good little story. Don't you think?
Jerry: It's not bad.
George: Yea
Kramer: Joey, there you are. Hey
Joey: AH!!
Kramer: Joey
Joey: (runs into the arms of a police officer) A Monster
Kramer: I'm the babysitter
Mrs. Anvino: Goodnight, Honey.
Mickey: Goodnight
Jerry: It's gotta have something to do with Kramer
[Setting: David and Elaine at David's apartment]
David: Elaine, here's to you being there.
Elaine: and here.
David: Excuse me. (answers the door) Beth
Beth: David
Elaine: (takes a huge shot) I'll tell ya, it's not bad.
[Setting: George and Susans' Apartment]
Susan: George?
George: (Places the doll presumingly where it belongs on a shelf) Ya?
Susan: Can I talk to you for a minute?
George: Ya, sure sure.
Susan: I've been doing a lot of thinking about the wedding and all. and uh (George puts his head down and his hand on her shoulder as if to brace himself for something big) I've decided to go with the chicken.
[Setting: Kramer at the police station]
Officer: So chasing little kids huh? You're in a lot of trouble mister.
Kramer: No no look, I was baby-sitting
Officer: Ya ya right. Sit down!
Officer: What are you deaf? I said sit down! (Kramer tries to sit down but struggles) Hey, for the last time, sit down.
Kramer: (somewhat under his breath) Ya ya.


Susan: Hi.
Clerk: Hi.. May I help you?
Susan: Yes, we'd like some wedding invitations.
Clerk: Ohh! Well...Congratulations
Susan: (happily) Thank you.
George: (mildly embarrassed) yeah.. Thank you.
Clerk: When 's the wedding?
Susan: June
George: late June.
Clerk: Oh! Well, we have quite a few to pick from ( turns around and picks up a huge binder) They're arranged in order of price , the most expensive are in the front.
George: He..hmmm. humm...What about this one.
Clerk: Hmmm,..to tell you the truth they haven't manufactured that one for a number of years. I might have couple of boxes left in our warehouse in New Jersey. I'd have to check.
Susan: Oh! no. George that's so ugly we don't want that.
George: What's the difference you just read it and mail it right back. These we'll do.
Susan: Why don't they make'em anymore?
Clerk: Well.. For one thing the glue isn't very adhesive. It takes a lot of moisture to make them stick.
George: So we pick up some (word missing)
Susan: (disappointed)All right. You see what I do for you.
George: Hey! Kramer.
Kramer: Hey! George...Lily..
Susan: No. Susan.
Kramer: No. No It's Lily
Susan: I think I know my own name.
George: It's Susan
Kramer: (lost for words) Well you look like a Lily...
George: It's coming Jerry, it's coming.
Jerry: What's coming?
George: The Day..
Jerry: Ahhh...The Day..
George: We ordered the wedding invitations today,, Nothing can stop it now. Nothing. It's here! It's happening. Can I do this? I can't do this...Look at me. Look at me I can't do this, I can't do this (manic) Help me Jerry, help me.
Jerry: why don't you just break it off with her. tell her it's over
George: I can't
Jerry: Why not?
Jerry: All right take it easy, just take it easy.
George: What about a letter?
Jerry: A letter.
George: I...I...write a letter and then I..I go to China. I disappear in a sea of people for like six months, a year you know just while things simmer down. Ehm.. Ehm...Dear Susan. I'm sorry. I made a terrible mistake. I'm really , really sorry.
Jerry: That's it?
George: What? Too short?
Both: Seems a little short, yeah..
Jerry: You can't go to China What about your job?
George: My Job..arghhh
Jerry: So write a letter.. move to another...move to Staten Island., 'lot easier to blend in a sea of people in Staten Island than China believe me.
George: Yeah! Yeah!..Staten Island . What about my clothes ,how do I get the rest of the clothes?
Jerry: Aagh! You come back for your clothes
George: I'm not going back in there.
Jerry: So forget about your clothes.
George: Well I'm not starting up a whole new wardrobe now!!!
Jerry: Look, freedom with no clothes is a lot better than no freedom with clothes.
George: If she'd just take a plane somewhere.
Jerry: And what, hope for a crash?
George: It happens.
Jerry: You know what the odds are on a crash it's a million to one.
George: It's something . It's hope.
Elaine: Hey!...( sees George) HEY!! Georgie. You know what I just realized; the wedding is like a month away.ha..haa..
Jerry: Euhh...Elaine...
Elaine: What?...Oh! by the way. What am I going to be in the wedding party?
George: What do you mean?
Elaine: Well Jerry's gonna be the best man and Kramer's gonna be the usher so what am I gonna be?
George: I don't know. I don't think you're anything.
Elaine: Wel...I have to be something. I 'm a close friend...What about being a bridesmaid.
George: Those are Susan's friends.
Elaine: Well then...aaahh how about being an usher?
George: Well...I'll ask Susan about it later.
Elaine: You don't ask.. You tell.
George: ( to Jerry) What about the letter, should I think about the letter?
Jerry: Hey Elaine if a guy wanted to end a relationship with you . What could he do?
Elaine: Start smoking.
George: Smoking.
Jerry: Does she hate cigarettes?
George: Yes, she hates cigarettes.
Jerry: But you don't smoke.
George: Nooooooo...
Jerry: You know, I think I'm getting a little depressed about George's wedding.
Elaine: Really?
Jerry: Yeah. Well once he gets married that's it, she'll probably get pregnant, they'll move to Westchester. I'll never see him again.
Elaine: Yeah! You're probably right.
Jerry: Then it'll just be me, you and Kramer.
Elaine: No! Not me pal. I can't keep this up much longer. I'm sick of being single. I'm getting out.
Jerry: So it's just gonna be me and Kramer.
Elaine: Yep! just you and Kramer.
Jerry: See you ... me and Kramer...
Kramer: Hey!! Buddy. I thought of a great invention for driving. A periscope in a car, so you can see the traffic.
Jerry: (annoyed) How you gonna drive when looking through a periscope? Besides it's not a submarine and there's no room for a periscope in a car.
Kramer: Huh! You make a higher roof.
Jerry: They're not making higher roofs.
Kramer: why can't you make a higher roof.
Jerry: Because it's a stupid idea. No one's gonna go for it. Don't you understand It's stupid ,stupid...
Jerry: ...Stupid , stupid.
Jeannie: Hey! Hey! Look out. (she pulls him back saving his life.) OK!, Are you okay?
Jerry: Yeah!.. Thanks.Oh! my god you saved my life.
Jeannie: Shouldn't there be some kind of reward for that.
Jerry: oh! thank you.
Jeannie: You know you should be a lot more careful crossing the street like that, otherwise you could die.. If that bothers you.
Jerry: Well I...
Jeannie: You see..(points to his collar) To me this is a waste.
Jerry: What?
Jeannie: The shirt you got on under your sweather. It sits for three weeks in your drawer, waiting to come out. and when it finally does . It sticks up only half an inch out of your collar.
Jerry: I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
Jeannie: Jeannie Steinman.
Jerry: Hey! Same initials . How do you like that?
Jeannie: I like it.
George: Listen I was talking to Elaine today and she said she'd would really like to be an usher at the wedding
Susan: No. Out of the question. I don't want any women ushers at my wedding and while we're on the subject, Kramer is not an usher either.
George: Why not?
Susan: He doesn't even know my name.
George: That was an honest mistake.
Susan: Nah! He's too weird he'd fall or something. He'd ruin the whole ceremony.
George: Yeah! You're right.. You're probably right.
Susan: Whadda doing?
George: (shrugs and lights it up)
Susan: Since when do you smoke?
George: (coughs) I've always smoked.
Susan: I've never seen you smoke.
George: Oh yeeah.. well , Big smoker... I (coughs some more) gave it up for a while but it was too tough. Y' know...I got no will power.
Susan: I don't like this one bit.
George: Well(coughs) I can't stop now...(coughs) I'm addicted...
Susan: Well you are gonna have to quit.
George: Oh my god...
Waitress: Menus?
Jerry: No. I know what I want.
Waitress: The usual?
Jerry: Yeah.,
Waitress: And for you?
Jeannie: I'll have a bowl of Cheerios , not to much milk.
Waitress: Ok Two bowls of Cheerios.
Jeannie: You too.?...
Jerry: Yeah!!!
Kramer: Hey! Did you hear the bank on the corner is offering a 100 dollars if you go in there and they don't greet you with a hello?
Jerry: Uh! Really .That's nice.
Kramer: Now what's with you?
Jerry: I think I'm in love.
Kramer: Oh. Come on.
Jerry: No it's true. This woman saved my life. I was crossing the street .I was almost hit by a car...and then we talked and....the whole thing just seemed like a dream.
Kramer: If a guy saved your life you'd be in love with him too.
Jerry: No, no this woman is different , she's incredible. she's just like me. She talks like me, she acts like me. She even ordered cereal at a restaurant. We even have the same initials. Wait a minute, I just realised what's going on.
Kramer: What?
Jerry: Now I know what I've been looking for all these years...myself! (Kramer is speechless) I've been waiting for me to come along and now I 've swept myself off my feet.
Kramer: You stop it man.. you're FREAKING ME OUT!!!
Kramer: Hey!
Teller: Hey!
Kramer: Hey! wait a second. You didn't say hello.
Teller: Yes I did
Kramer: No no you didn't ...Hundred dollars.. I get a hundred dollars.
Teller: No, No I said Hello.
Kramer: No, No You said Hey!
Teller: Well.. Hey! is Hello, same thing.
Kramer: The add said that the bank's gonna pay a hundred dollars if you are not greeted with a hello
Teller: You're taking that much to literally. Now sir , do you have any business to transact.
Kramer: No, I want to speak to the manager.
Teller: Well, He's not here right now.
Kramer: Then I'll be back.
Elaine: So I'm not gonna be an usher?
George: No..
Elaine: So I'm nothing. Jerry is best man , Kramer is an usher and I am nothing.
George: Well Kramer's not an usher anymore.
Kramer: What are you talking about?
George: You've been demoted.
Kramer: Why?
George: Because you called her by the wrong name.
Kramer: But she really looks like a Lily
Elaine: Jerry ( as they come into the apt.) Jerry, Susan says I can't be an usher at he wedding.
Kramer: Yeah. me neither.
Jerry: (shrugs) Hey George I think I want to bring a date to the wedding
George: Who!!?
Jerry: I just met her, she's incredible.
Elaine: Aaawh...This is GREAT!!...Now I'm gonna be stuck at the singles table with all the losers.
Jerry: You can go with Kramer
Kramer: No , no no no no. Weddings are a great place to meet chicks. I have to be unfettered.
George: Do you see what this is turning in to? Do I need this. I have to get out of this thing.
Elaine: Did you try the cigarettes?
George: Yeah.. They made me sick.
Kramer: All right, All right. Lets get down here. You really want to get out of this thing ?
George: Yeah...
Kramer: All right. I got two words for you; Pre-Nup.
George: What does that mean?
Kramer: Ask her to sign a pre-nup.
George: What does that do?
Kramer: Because most women when they're asked to sign a pre-nup are so offended they back out of the marriage.
George: They are?... Elaine?
Elaine: I wouldn't sign one.
George: Pre-nup of course ..Kramer...
Kramer: Get out of here.
George: Hi.
Susan: Hi. Hey I've been going over the list .What about The Drake? Wanna invite him?
George: Yeah. Got to invite The Drake. Listen hem...there's something that's been on my mind and we haven't really talked about it..I t's kind of important to me.
Susan: What is it?
George: Well I I ..put a lot of thought into this and I think I would like you to sign a prenuptual agreement.
Susan: A pre-nup?
George: Yeah.
Susan: (burst out laughing)
George: What's so funny?
Susan: Ha.Ha.Ha. ha...You don't have any money. I make more money than you do. ha. ha. ha. Yeah.. give me the papers I'll sign 'em.( she leaves) a pre-nup...
Jerry: Excuse me.( gets up and opens the door)
Kramer: Jerry... hey Jeannie.
Jeannie: Hello.
Kramer: Remember I told you about the bank?
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: Yeah well I went in there and they said Hey!
Jerry: Hey is the same thing as hello. What do you think Jeannie.
Jeannie: Yeah I think it's the same thing.
Kramer: Oh! Big surprise ( he leaves frustrated)
Delivery Man: Delivery from Melody Stationaries.
Susan: Oh those are the invitations.
Delivery Man: Just sign there.
Susan: yeah! Thank you.
George: See ya later.
Susan: Urgh.. these are so cheap. (as George leaves) And don't forget tommorrow we're going shopping for some rings, so don't make any plans...and this time we're not skimping.
Kramer: Hey
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Jeannie left?
Jerry: Yeah , she's coming to see my act tonight.
Kramer: Oh yeah! Well that's nice. I'm sure that's right up her alley.
Jerry: What's with you?
Kramer: Nothin'
Jerry: Something on your mind?
Kramer: No.
Jerry: Looks like there is?
Kramer: No
Jerry: Come on. Something's on your mind. Out with it.
Kramer: I don't like her.
Jerry: You don't like her?
Kramer: That's right I don't like , I never like her from the get-go.
Jerry: What's wrong with her?
Kramer: Everything she thinks. you think. Everything you think she thinks. No I can't take it. I can't take it Jerry. It's too much. It's too much.
Jerry: Well you can't take her maybe you can't take me either.
Kramer: So THAT's how it's going to be
Jerry: That's how it's gonna be.
Kramer: OH! GOD HELP US!!!
Susan: Eurk.. Awful
Manager: May i help you?
Kramer: Yeah. uh..I was in here the other day and I went up to that teller and he didn't say hello.
Manager: Then you are entitled to a hundred dollars. That's our policy.
Kramer: yeah., but he wouldn't give me the money.
Manager: Hehummm.. JIM...Can I see you for a second
Jim: Uh.. yes can you give me a minute.
Manager: Yea...hum...He'll be. hum.. right over.(awkward pause)
Kramer: (knocks on desk) Is thi oak?
Manager: 'think it's pine.
Kramer: Pine is good.
Manager: Yeah. pine's okay.
Jim: You want to see me
Manager: Yeah... Hum..Jim , a man here says came in the other day , you didn't say hello?
Jim: No, No that's not true, I said Hey! you know like a friendly greeting, Hey!
Kramer: But that's not Hello.
Manager: That's a tough one.
Kramer: Uhummm...
Manager: You know what, let me bring some other people in on this...Barbara, Jane, Mike Can I see you please.
Barbara: How you doin'?
Jane: What's happening?
Mike: What's up?
Manager: (to kramer) Can you excuse us for one minute. Just one minute.
Manager: Thanks. (they huddle)
Some Guy: How's it going?
Manager: Thanks, thanks everybody. (they leave) Sir, have a seat.
Manager: Well , we've discussed this, here's the feeling. You got a greeting starts with an H how's twenty bucks sound.
Kramer: I'll take it.
Manager: awright sir (they shake hands)
Jerry: Will you marry me?
Jerry: I would like to propose a toast...Wait a second.. George! George Costanza come in here.
Jeannie: Georgie boy..
Jerry: George, big news; I'm getting married!!
George: Married , What!(astounded)
Jerry: September 21st, first day of Autumn. Leaves changing colours.. Beautiful colors.
Jeannie: ... all that crap.
Jerry: You see , I kept up my end of the pact.
George: Good for you (sympathetic)
Jerry: Hey look , Champagne..
George: Hehehe. .(feebly)
Jerry: To our future wives...yeah...
Jerry: Well it's been quite a night I could sure use a cup of coffee.
Jeannie: Hey! what's the deal with decaf; how do they get the caffeine out of there and then where does it go?
Jerry: (weakly) I dunno
Jeannie: That's a shame..
Jerry: (to waitress) I' ll just have a cup of coffee.
Jeannie: Bowl of Corn flakes.
Jerry: More cereal? that's your third bowl today, you had it for breakfast and lunch.
Jeannie: Hey! So what's the deal with brunch, I mean that if it's a combination of breakfast and lunch. How comes there's no lupper or no linner.
Kramer: Hey!! Frank just called me. Congratulations.
Jerry: Thanks , thanks
Kramer: Look I'm sorry about before...I mean I'm sure I'll learn to like her, Jerry
Jerry: Yeah , yeah .
Kramer: C'mon , c'mon what's the matter?
Jerry: I think I may have made a big mistake.
Kramer: Oh! Come on.
Jerry: All of a sudden it hit me, I realized what the problem is; I can't be with someone like me.. I hate myself!! If anything I need to get the exact opposite of me...It's too much. It's too Much I can't take it ...I can't take it!!!
Kramer: (mocking) Too bad you got engaged.
Jerry: Yeah! Too bad.
Jerry: Hello. Oh! Hi George....What! ..really! All right I'll call Elaine , we'll meet you down there.
Kramer: What happened?
Jerry: They just took Susan to the Hospital
Jerry: So she was just lying there.
George: Tsss...Yeah..
Elaine: I wonder what happened?
George: I don't know...hmmm ha! here's the doctor.
Doctor: Excuse me , Are you the husband?
George: Well , not yet.. Fianc.
Doctor: Well , I'm sorry...She's gone.
George: .....What's that?...
Doctor: She expired.
George: ...Are you sure?
Doctor: Yes , of course.
George: So...She's dead?
Doctor: Yes
George: ...Huh!
Doctor: Let me ask you ; Had she been exposed to any kind of inexpensive glue?
George: ...Why?
Doctor: We found traces of a certain toxic adhesive commonly found in very low priced envelopes.
George: Well she was sending out our wedding invitations.
Doctor: That's probably what did it.
George: We were expecting about two hundred people...Well...Thank you , thank you.
George: She's ahem...gone
Jerry: Dead?
Elaine: I'm so sorry George
Jerry: Yeah! me too
Kramer: Poor Lily..
Jerry: How did it happen?
George: Apparently the glue in the wedding invitations was a...toxic.
All: Aah!..
Kramer: Well that's weird
Jerry: So I guess , you're not getting married?
George: (embarrassed with a touch of unrestrained jubilation) Yes.
Jerry: But...
George: Yeah?
Jerry: Well , now I'm engaged..
George: Yeah?...
Jerry: Well I thought we'd both be getting married.
George: Hey!.. What can I tell ya.
Elaine: All right. (they start to leave except Jerry)
George: well humm.. lets get some coffee.
Jerry: WE HAD A PACT!!!
George: Yes I'd like to speak to Marisa Tomei, please? Marisa, Hi it's George Costanza.. I'm the short, funny, quirky bald man you met a little while ago, heh! yeah I was just calling 'cos I wanted you to know that I'm not engaged anymore...well huh, She died...Toxic glue from the wedding invitations...well we were expecting about two hundred people. Yeah... Anyway.. hum I got the funeral tomorrow but huh.. my weekend is pretty wide open and I was wondering... (dial tone interrupts George)... Hello...Hello..


George: Well... it's a magnificent stone.
Mr. Ross: They put it up this morning.
George: It's just a magnificent stone. (turns to Jerry) Jerry?
Mrs. Ross: George... we'll leave you alone with her.
George: What?
Mrs. Ross: I'm sure there are things you'd like to say.
George: No, I-I-I-I'm good. Really.
George: Jerry...
Jerry: Thank you, no.
George: (to Susan's stone) ...And then, right after the All-Star Break, we, we just swept the Orioles. Four games. In Baltimore. (adjusts necktie nervously) So... yeah.
George: Boy, that was awkward!
Jerry: I don't mind the cemetery.
George: What were you saying to the Rosses over there, anyway?
Jerry: Oh, I don't know. I told them her death takes place in the shadow of new life. She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her.
George: What is that?
Jerry: Star Trek II.
George: (identifying it) Wrath of Khan!
Jerry: Right. Kramer and I saw it last night. Spock dies, they wrap him up in a towel, and they shoot him out the bowel of the ship in that big sunglasses case.
George: That was a hell of a thing when Spock died...
Jerry: Yeah...
George: Well anyway, the, uh... the stone is up, I paid my respects, guess that's it.
Jerry: So it's over?
George: I have mourned for three long months! Summer months, too! Anybody could grieve in January! It's time for George to start being George again.
Jerry: All right, so uh, let's do something later. How 'bout a movie?
George: Yes! Nothing says George like a movie!
Kramer: Movie?
Jerry: Yeah, you in?
Kramer: No, no, no, I can't. I got my martial arts class.
George: George is going to the movies! (exits)
Jerry: (to Kramer) So how's your karate class going?
Kramer: (pronouncing it "kar-ah-tay") Karate, Jerry. Karate. The lifetime pursuit of balance and harmony.
Jerry: ...But with punching and kicking.
Kramer: Jerry, karate is not here (pointing to the ground). It's here (points to head), and here (points to chest), and here (makes a circle with his hands).
Jerry: Alright, I gotta go to the airport to pick up Elaine.
Kramer: What, she's been away?
Jerry: She's been in Mexico for six weeks.
Kramer: No, I really think you're wrong. We just went to the fireworks the other day.
Jerry: That was July 4th!
Jerry: Alright, I'm outta here, and when I get back, I don't want to see you here (points to kitchen), here (points to living room), or here (makes similar circle with his hands).
Elaine: It was unbelievable. Six weeks of traveling through Mexico all on Peterman's peso.
Jerry: Wow. So did you get any good ideas for the catalog?
Elaine: Oh, tons!
Jerry: Anything you couldn't have gotten tearing open a bag of Doritos and watching Viva Zapata?
Elaine: (laughs sarcastically) You don't respect my work at all, do you?
Jerry: No, I don't.
Elaine: So what's been going on around this dump? How's your fiancee?
Jerry: My what?
Elaine: Jeannie... your fiancee.
Jerry: Oh, yeah, that. Well...
Elaine: All right. Spill it, Jerome.
Jerry: There's really not that much to tell.
Jerry & Jeannie: (simultaneously) I hate you!
Jeannie: See ya.
Jerry: See ya.
Jerry: (continuing) No rejection, no guilt, no remorse.
Elaine: You've never felt remorse.
Jerry: I know, I feel bad about that...
Elaine: I bet your parents were upset, huh?
Jerry: Eh.
Elaine: You haven't told them yet, have you?
Jerry: No.
Dugan: "So I pressed through the rushes, there below me, the shimmering waters of Lake Victoria..."
J. Peterman: Oh, for the love of God, man! Just tell me what the product is.
Dugan: It's a, uh, washcloth.
J. Peterman: No washcloths!
Elaine: Well, Mr. Peterman, I've got a really good idea for a hat. It combines the spirit of old Mexico with a little big city panache. I like to call it the Urban Sombrero.
J. Peterman: (rubbing his neck) Oh, my neck is one gargantuan monkey fist.
Elaine: Are you okay, Mr. Peterman?
J. Peterman: Yes, yes. Go on, go on, go on.
Elaine: Well, see, it's... businessmen taking siestas. You know, it's the, uh, the Urban Sombrero.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman?
George: (inhales deeply) I tell you, Jerry, I'm feeling something. Something I haven't felt in a long time.
Jerry: Pride?
George: No. Autonomy, complete and total autonomy.
Jerry: Well, you're your own boss now.
George: I wanna go to a tractor pull.
Jerry: Go ahead.
George: I am staying out all night!
Jerry: Who's stopping you?
George: I wanna bite into a big hunk of cheese, just bite into it like it's an apple.
Jerry: Whatever.
Jerry: Oh God.
George: What?
Jerry: It's Dolores.
George: Who?
Jerry: Mulva.
Dolores: Jerry, hi.
Jerry: Hi, Dolores. George, you remember Dolores?
George: Dolores!
Dolores: Hi. (to Jerry) I heard you got engaged.
Jerry: Yes, Dolores, I did. It didn't work out, though, Dolores.
Dolores: Oh, that's too bad. You know... we should get together sometime. See ya.
Jerry: See ya.
George: Bye, Dolores.
George: I thought Mulva hated you.
Jerry: Yeah, so did I. You know what? I bet it was the engagement. I've shown I can go all the way.
George: All the way?
Jerry: Not our "all the way", their "all the way." I got the stink of responsibility on me.
George: Yeah, and you were engaged for like a minute, I was engaged for a year.
Jerry: You stink worse than I do!
George: I'm feeling something else here, Jerry!
Secretary: Elaine, it's Mr. Peterman on the phone.
Elaine: (answers the phone) Hello, Mr. Peterman, how are you feeling?
J. Peterman: Elaine, I'll be blunt. I'm burnt out. I'm fried. My mind is as barren as the surface of the moon. I can run that catalog no longer.
Elaine: What? Well, who's gonna do it?
J. Peterman: What about you?
Elaine: Me? Why me?
J. Peterman: Why, indeed.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, you can't leave.
J. Peterman: I've already left, Elaine. I'm in Burma.
Elaine: Burma?
J. Peterman: You most likely know it as Myanmar, but it will always be Burma to me. Bonne chance, Elaine. (to a passerby) You there on the motorbike! Sell me one of your melons! (runs after him)
Elaine: Mr. Peterman?
Jerry: Where?
Elaine: Burma.
Jerry: Isn't it Myanmar now?
Elaine: Jerry, he wants me to run the catalog! It's crazy! I can't be in charge!
Jerry: No, certainly not.
Elaine: I mean, I can't give people orders!
Jerry: No one's gonna listen to you.
Elaine: I am not qualified to run the catalog!
Jerry: You're not qualified to work at the catalog.
Kramer: Hey. (notices Elaine) What's wrong?
Elaine: Oh, Peterman ran off to Burma, and now he wants me to run the catalog.
Kramer: Where?
Jerry: Myanmar.
Kramer: The discount pharmacy?
Elaine: Well, I'm just gonna tell him no. I can't run the catalog.
Kramer: Whoa, whoa. Can't? When did that word enter your vocabulary? What, is the job too difficult? (Jerry nods) What, you don't have enough experience? (Jerry shakes his head) Oh, you're not smart enough? (Jerry shakes his head) Where's your confidence? (Jerry shrugs his shoulders) Look, Elaine, let me tell you a story. When I first studied karate...
Elaine: Karate?
Kramer: Yeah, karate. I had no support. Not from him, not from Newman, no one. The first time I sparred with an opponent, I was terrified. My legs, they were like noodles. But then I looked inside, and I found my katra.
Elaine: Katra?
Kramer: Yeah, your spirit, your, uh, being. The part of you that says, "Yes, I can!"
Jerry: Sammy Davis had it.
Kramer: So I listened to my katra and now <vreep> I'm dominating the dojo. I'm class champion.
Elaine: Well, you know, I, I have watched Peterman run the company.
Kramer: Sure you have.
Elaine: I know how to do it. Pair of pants, a stupid story, a huge markup. I can do that.
Kramer: You follow your katra, and you can do anything. (leads her to the door) Now get out of here.
Elaine: (excitedly) Okay.
Kramer: That kid is gonna be all right.
Jerry: No, she's not.
Joey: Come on, Kramer!
Kramer: Hey there.
Joey: Come on. Mom's down in the car.
Kramer: Okay, Joey.
Jerry: You guys both have class at the same time?
Kramer: No, we're in the same class.
Jerry: What do you mean you're in the same class?
Kramer: He almost beat me.
Jerry: Kramer, you're fighting children?!
Kramer: We're all at the same skill level, Jerry.
Jerry: He's nine years old! You don't need karate, you can just wring his neck!
Kramer: I got carpool. (exits)
Kramer: Thanks for the juice box, Mrs. Z.
Joey: Hey, could we stop for ice cream on the way home, mom?
Mrs. Zanfino: Mmm, I don't know...
Mrs. Zanfino: All right.
Kids & Kramer: Yay!
Dugan: *You're* taking the job?
Elaine: You got that straight. Now I want four new ideas from each of you by 600. No, make that six ideas by 400. All right, let's move, move, move, move, move!
Sansei: Are you prepared for kumite?
Kramer & Joey: Yes, Sansei.
Sansei: Fight stance.
Sansei: Hydjama! Begin!
Sansei: (raising Kramer's arm) Winner!
George: It's open!
George: (surprised) Rosses.
Mrs. Ross: Hello, George.
George: Well, uh... come in, come, come in. (frantically clears the couch of newspapers and crumbs)
Mr. Ross: We, uh, tried to call, but the line was busy.
George: Oh. Oh. Yeah, sure. Here. Uh, sit down. Uh, uh, cheese, there? (he grabs a suit jacket from the desk chair and puts it on)
Mrs. Ross: We know the last three months have been hard on you.
George: Oh, yes, yes, yes. Very, very hard.
Mr. Ross: And they've been hard on us, too. It's a terrible tragedy when parents outlive their children.
George: Yes, I agree. I hope my parents go long before I do.
Mr. Ross: That's why we decided to create a foundation to preserve Susan's memory.
George: Oh, that's wonderful.
Mr. Ross: And, of course, we want you to be an integral part.
George: Yes, inte- h-how inte- how integral?
Mr. Ross: You'll be on the board of directors.
George: (feigning excitement) Great, great. O-Oh, oh, oh, gosh. You know, it's just... my duties with the Yankees...
Mrs. Ross: Don't worry, George. The foundation will revolve around your schedule. Evenings, weekends, whenever you have free time.
George: I can't believe this is happening.
Mr. Ross: Well, it wouldn't have without your friend Jerry's inspirational words. He said to us, "She's not really dead if her shadow is..." Uh, w-what was it, dear?
Mrs. Ross: Something about a way, a-and a light, uh... ha. Who the hell knows?
Mr. Ross: Well, what's important is that your relationship with Susan doesn't have to end.
Mrs. Ross: So will you be sure to thank Jerry for us?
George: (feigning happiness) The second I see him.
Jerry: Hey.
George: Hey. How's your day, good?
Jerry: Actually, yeah. I'm meeting Mulva here in a few minutes.
George: So uh... Wrath of Khan, huh?
Jerry: Yeah. Was that a beauty or what?
George: What was that line again? Something about finding your way in a shadow?
Jerry: No, no, no, it's... "She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her."
George: That's it. That's the line... (squirts mustard into Jerry's coffee and stirs it) ...that destroyed my life.
Jerry: (stares into coffee cup and looks back at George) Problem?
George: The Rosses have started up a foundation, Jerry, and I have to sit on the board of directors.
Jerry: Hey, board of directors. Look at you!
George: Yeah! Look at me! I was free and clear! I was living the dream! I was stripped to the waist, eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery!
Jerry: Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.
George: Don't you see? I'm back in.
Jerry: All because of Wrath of Khan?
George: Yes!
Jerry: Well, it was the best of those movies.
George: KHAN!
Wyck: George.
Wyck: George. (taps him on the shoulder)
George: (startled) Oh!
Wyck: I'm Wyck Thayer, chairman of the Susan Ross Foundation.
George: Wink.
Wyck: (correcting him) Wyck.
George: Wyck.
Wyck: Now, as you know, the Rosses had considerable monies.
George: Oh. I know they have some monies.
Wyck: They had more than some monies. Many, many monies. And they planned to give a sizable portion of their estate to you and Susan after the wedding.
George: So, if Susan and I had... I mean, if the envelopes hadn't, uh... then we-
Wyck: Yes.
George: And now?
Wyck: Not. It's all been endowed to the foundation, even this townhouse.
George: This townhouse?
Wyck: This would have been your wedding gift.
George: And now?
Wyck: Not.
George: Not.
Wyck: Also endowed. George... I know how much Susan meant to you. It can't be easy.
George: You know, it really can't.
Dolores: So who broke it off?
Jerry: Well, that's the thing. It was completely mutual.
Dolores: Oh, come on. Everybody knows there's no such thing as a mutual breakup. Tell me the truth.
Jerry: I am. It was the world's first.
Dolores: You know, when I heard you got engaged, I thought *maybe* you had matured. But obviously there's no growth here. (exits)
Jerry: Well, I can't argue with that, but the fact remains... I was completely... (to himself, cursing her) Mulva!
Jerry: (answering) Hello?
Secretary: Please hold for Elaine Benes.
Jerry: Oh, I don't believe this.
Elaine: (picking up) Jerry!
Jerry: Hey!
Elaine: Hey. Guess who just finished laying out her first issue of the J. Peterman Catalog.
Jerry: How's it look?
Elaine: (muffled, as she's smoking a cigar) It's a peach.
Jerry: Huh?
Elaine: I say, it's a peach.
Jerry: Elaine, let me ask you something. When I told you my breakup was mutual, did you believe me?
Elaine: No, no, no. It's weak. No one's gonna buy it, and you shouldn't be selling it.
Jerry: I gotta do some research here.
Elaine: Hey, hey. Me. Talking. You know, between you and me, I always thought Kramer was a bit of a doofus, but he believed in me. *You* did not. So as I see it, he's not the doofus. *You* are the doofus.
Jerry: Oh, I'm the doofus?
Elaine: Yeah. You, Jerry, are the doofus.
Jerry: You know, it occurs to me that Kramer is at karate right now.
Elaine: Oh, well, maybe I'll just go down there and thank him in person.
Jerry: Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Elaine: Kramer!
Kramer: Oh, hey.
Elaine: What are you doing?
Kramer: Oh, well, I-I-I'm dominating.
Elaine: You never said you were fighting children.
Kramer: Well, it's not the size of the opponent, Elaine, it's, uh, the ferocity.
Elaine: This is what you used to build me up? This is where you got all that stupid katra stuff?
Kramer: No, no. That's from, uh, Star Trek III... The Search for Spock.
Elaine: Search... for Spock?!
Kramer: Yeah, I know Jerry will tell you that The Wrath of Khan is the better picture, but for me, I always...
Elaine: (pushes him) You doofus!
Jerry: Okay, question #8. What if I told you my fiancee left me for another man? Does that make me more likable, less likable, as likable? Let's start over here this time.
Waitress #1: More.
Waitress #2: Less.
Ruthie: Same.
Willie: Are we about through here?
Kramer: I thought you said your mom was meeting us in the alley.
Joey: She had a little change of plans.
Kramer: What's going on? Hey, Timmy, Clara. That was some kind of workout we had tonight, huh?
Girl: Now we finish it.
Kramer: Aah! Aah! Mama!
Jerry: (on the phone) Dad, I wouldn't eat anything you caught in that pond out in front of the condo.
Jerry: Uh, look, Elaine's here, I gotta get going. Oh, by the way, uh, I'm not getting married. Tell mom. Bye. (hangs up)
Jerry: So... did you stop by the dojo?
Elaine: Yep.
Jerry: How's your confidence level?
Elaine: Shot.
Jerry: Self-esteem?
Elaine: Gone.
Jerry: Doofus?
Elaine: (raises her hand) Yo.
Jerry: All right, so what? You put out the catalog. How bad could it be?
Jerry: What is that?
Elaine: It's the Urban Sombrero. I put it on the cover.
Jerry: Well, nobody sees the... cover.
Kramer: God!
Jerry: What happened to you?
Kramer: Whew! I got whooped. You should have seen the rage in their little eyes. And those tiny little fists of fury. Oh. (notices the Urban Sombrero) What is that?
Jerry: It's the new cover of the J. Peterman Catalog. It is Elaine's choice. Let's congratulate her.
Kramer: Oh I see. (Elaine walks up to him) Woof!
Elaine: (pointing a finger accusingly at Kramer) You! This is all your fault! You told me I could run the company!
Kramer: Well, then I was way off!
Elaine: Well, I'll see ya... (exits)
Jerry: Vaya con dios.
Kramer: (with his forehead in his hands) Man, I gotta go lay down. You and George going out a little later?
Jerry: No, he's still stuck at the foundation.
Kramer: You know, you oughta go down there and help him out. He's a widower.
Jerry: Widower? Wait a second. (goes to a notebook of his research)
Wyck: Okay, let's see. The beachhouse. 48 acres... ooh. Southampton. That should fetch a fair price.
George: Would I have had access to that?
Wyck: Of course, it would have been yours.
George: And now?
George: (anticipating the answer) Not.
George: Hello?
Jerry: Hey, Georgie! I'm doing some research down at the coffee shop. Your story's the one.
George: My story?
Jerry: Yeah, your widower story's tested through the roof. (various patrons give the thumbs up in approval) When are you getting out of there?
George: Uh, excuse me, Wyck. Uh, are we, uh, almost done here?
Wyck: (chuckling) Oh, no, not even close.
George: (remorsefully) I can't go.
Jerry: What do you mean you can't go? There's two really girls sitting at the counter eating grilled cheese. Cheese, George! Cheese!
Wyck: Okay, next item. Susan's doll collection. Estimated value $2.6 million. What do you say we go through this doll by doll?


George: You want me to find a poem about Susan? May she rest in peace?!
Wyck: Well, we think it would be a nice touch for the Foundation literature. Do you have a favorite poet, George?
George: I like, uh...(mutters something unintelligible under his breath.)
Wyck: Pardon?
George: (mutters it again)
Wyck: Well, you should choose the poem since you knew Susan best at the time of her unfortunate (clears his throat)...accident.
Jerry: He cleared his throat?
George: Yes!
Jerry: So?
George: He did it right as he said "her unfortunate accident."
Jerry: Not getting it.
George: Jerry, a throat-clear is a non-verbal implication of doubt - he thinks I killed Susan!
Jerry: Oh, help me, Rhonda.
George: What time is it?
Jerry (Looks At His Watch): 115.
George: Right now?
Jerry: I gotta go meet Pam.
George: Oh, the bookstore girl. How's that goin'?
Jerry: Okay. I'm just not ga-ga over her. For once I'd like to be ga-ga.
George: Where's Elaine?
Jerry: She's having Carol, Gail and Lisa over. You know they all have kids now?
George: What's with all these people having babies?
Jerry: Perpetuation of the species.
George: Yeah! Right!
Jerry: By the way, just for the record -
George: No, I did not! (They exit the coffee shop.)
Carol: ...but because it comes out of your baby, it smells good!
Elaine: Well, that's...that's sweet.
Gail: Being a mother has made me feel so beautiful.
Carol: Elaine, you gotta have a baby!
Elaine: Oh, hey, you know...I had a piece of whitefish over at Barney Greengrass the other day...
Lisa: Elaine. Move to Long Island and have a baby already.
Elaine: I really like the city.
Carol: The city's a toilet. When's the last time you saw my little Adam?
Elaine: Uh, it was in the Hamptons.
Carol: Oh! I have pictures!
Elaine: No, no, that's okay, it's uh...
Carol (Shows Elaine And The Girls Pictures Of Adam): Look at him! Just look at him!
Jerry: So, Elaine was telling me about this piece of whitefish she had the other day...
George: Do you really think I'm wrong about this Wyck guy?
Jerry: You know, if you really want to test him out, why don't you try the old Jerry Lewis trick?
George: Jerry Lewis?
Jerry: I heard that when Jerry Lewis left a meeting, he'd purposefully leave a briefcase with a tape recorder in it. Then after five minutes, he'd come back for it and listen to what everyone said about him.
George: That's pretty paranoid.
Jerry: Yes, it is.
George: I like it!
Jerry: I thought you might.
Pam: Oh, hi! I'm Pam. You must be Kramer. (Kramer is smitten with Pam and grins goofily.) Jerry's told me a lot about you. (Kramer continues grinning.) Well, I'm supposed to meet Jerry, it's my day off. I work in a bookstore.
Kramer (Mouths The Words): Books. (Knocks over a bowl of fruit on the counter.)
Pam: Oh, careful! (Jerry enters.)
Jerry: Hi, sorry I'm late.
Pam: That's okay. Kramer let me in.
Jerry: You know, if we rush, we can still make the movie.
Pam: Okay. (Touches Kramer's hand) It was really nice meeting you.
Kramer: I'm in trouble, buddy. I just met a woman.
Newman: Go on.
Kramer: Well, she's Jerry's girlfriend.
Newman: Ah, yes. Forbidden love.
Kramer: She works in a book shop. Her name is Pam.
Newman: "Pam." I don't know the woman, but she sounds quite fetching.
Kramer: I can't even speak in front of her. (Sits down on the couch.)
Newman: Jerry! What could she possibly see in Jerry? (Walks in front of Kramer and trips over his feet.)
Kramer: She has delicate beauty.
Newman: Jerry wouldn't know delicate beauty if it bludgeoned him over the head.
Kramer: And yet, he's my friend.
Newman: And therein lies the tragedy. For I believe, sadly for you, that there is but one woman meant for each of us. One perfect angel for whom we are put on this earth.
Kramer: Aw, that's beautiful, Newman.
Newman: One winsome tulip we ceaselessly yearn for throughout our dreary, workaday lives! And you, my friend, have found your angel. I can tell. For my heart has also been captured by a breathless beauty - whom I fear I will never possess.
Kramer: I thought we were talking about me.
Newman: Right. Kramer, you have to confront Jerry.
Kramer: Confront Jerry? I can't.
Newman: You must!
Kramer: I won't!
Newman: You will!
Elaine (To Jerry, Imitating Carol): "Elaine, ya gotta have a baby." Ugh.
George: Where are all the poetry magazines?
Elaine: The New Yorker has poetry.
George: Yes. The New Yorker.
Jerry: Why do you invite these women over if they annoy you so much?
Elaine: They're my friends, but they act as if having a baby takes some kind of talent.
Jerry: C'mon, you want to have a baby.
Elaine: Why? Because I can?
Jerry: It's the life force. I saw a show on the mollusk last night. Elaine, the mollusk travels from Alaska to Chile just for a shot at another mollusk. You think you're any better?
Elaine: Yes! I think I am better than the mollusk!
Kevin: I couldn't help overhearing what you were saying.
Elaine: Oh, I'm sorry.
Kevin: No, no, I think I agree with you. I mean, all this talk about having babies.
Elaine: Yeah, like you must procreate.
Kevin: Besides, anyone can do it.
Elaine: Oh, it's been done to death. (smiles)
George: I, uh, should have a poem very soon now.
Wyck: Are you okay, George?
George: No, no, not really. Ever since Susan passed on, I have good days and bad. (Turns the briefcase towards the woman on his left.) Some days, I'm haunted by one word - why. Why Susan? Why wasn't it me licking those invitations? Why am I still here? Well, I gotta run. (Gets up and leaves the meeting.)
Wyck: ...and the stock options for this year look quite, uh... (George returns and retrieves the briefcase.)
George (Apologetic): Briefcase. (Shrugs and exits.)
Elaine: So, Kevin. If I don't want children, does that make me a bad humanitarian?
Kevin: Not at all.
Elaine: 'Cause, I mean, when you get to know me, you'll see that I'm a pretty good humanitarian. (Waitress comes to the table and pours more coffee.) You are doing a wonderful job, by the way. Thanks a lot. (To Kevin) Right? Am I right? (Kramer walks by.) Kramer. Kramer! Come here, look at my new friend Kevin. (Kramer and Kevin shake hands.) Oh, you got a little, uh...
Kramer (Wipes Chocolate Off His Face): Oh, I just had two double-fudge sundaes.
Elaine: Oh. Are you alright?
Kramer: Yeah, I'll be okay.
Elaine: You know, Jerry has one of those every time he bombs on stage.
Kramer: Well, I'm sure he'll be sharing his next one with Pam.
Elaine: Oh, no...that won't last.
Kramer: What do you mean?
Elaine: He's not ga-ga.
George: Lemme tell you something, that Jerry Lewis? You wonder how some of these people get to the top? It's ideas like this! Brilliant! Hah-hah! (Notices that the briefcase is damaged.) Look at this - what the hell happened? The whole side is damaged here...and the lock is broken.
Jerry: How long did you leave it up there?
George: Five minutes. What the hell happened here?
Jerry: Play the tape, maybe we'll get a clue.
George: I have to rewind it first. (George presses the rewind button on the tape recorder. He and Jerry stand there, waiting impatiently as it rewinds.) Alright, alright.
Jerry: Is that it?
George: Stopped dead.
Jerry: What do you make of it?
George: I don't know. (George sits down at the table. Kramer enters.)
Kramer: Jerry. Uh, can we talk?
George (To Kramer): Kinda busy here.
Kramer: I'd like to talk to Jerry in private.
George: Why can't I stay?
Kramer: Because it doesn't concern you.
George: Well, if it doesn't concern me, then I can stay. (Kramer grabs the back of George's chair, drags him out into the hallway and closes the door.)
Jerry: So, what's on your mind?
Kramer: It's Pam.
Jerry: Pam? What about Pam?
Kramer: I love her, Jerry!
Jerry: You what?
Kramer: I love her!
Jerry: Is that right?
Kramer: Oh, she's uh...she's real. She can bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan.
Jerry: What does that mean?
Kramer: Oh, and that voice!
Jerry: What about her name?
Kramer: Pam? Oh, it's a beautiful name. (Kramer sits on the couch.) Pam. Pam. Pam!
Jerry: She's got really nice hair.
Kramer: Oh, it's incredible. Although, I might replace her tortoise clip with one of those velvet scrunchies. I love those.
Jerry: You've got really specific tastes.
Kramer: Oh, I know what I want, Jerry.
Jerry: She's got nice calves.
Kramer: Oh, she's a dreamboat. But, you don't like her, so...
Jerry: Maybe I could, you're making some pretty good points.
Kramer: No you can't, Jerry.
Jerry: But I might.
Kramer: Oh, no you don't.
Jerry: Why not? The voice? The calves? The bacon?
Kramer: What...?
Jerry: I think I can! I even like the name! Pam!
Kramer (Frantic): Huh?
Jerry: Pam!
Kramer: Huh?
Jerry: Pam!
Kramer: Huh-yah! (Kramer loses it and runs out past George, who is still sitting in the hallway on a chair.)
Kramer: So now he wants her more than ever!
Newman: Blast!
Kramer: What am I gonna do, huh?
Newman: Don't despair, my friend. (Newman walks in front of Kramer and trips over his feet. Again.) I won't allow your love to go unrequited. Not like mine.
Kramer: What, again with you?
Newman: Sorry. But love is spice with many tastes. A dizzying array of textures...and moments.
Kramer: If only I could say things like that around her.
Newman (Getting An Idea): Yes...
Elaine: Well, I hear three distinct sounds. A low rumple...followed by a metallic 'squink'...
George: Yes! Yes, I heard the 'squink'!
Elaine: ...followed by a mysterious...'glonk.'
George: It's baffling, isn't it?
Elaine: Well, one question does come to mind. Have you considered just...asking them what happened to the briefcase?
George: They would never tell me, Elaine. First of all, they probably think that I killed Susan. Besides, I don't even think they like me. (Jerry comes over to the table.)
Jerry: That Pam! I am ga-ga over her!
Elaine: Ga-ga? When did that happen?
Jerry: Yesterday. Six-ish.
Elaine: Well, maybe we should double. I'm pretty ga-ga myself.
Jerry: You just met the guy yesterday.
Elaine: Yeah, but we have a common goal.
Jerry: A barren, sterile existence that ends when you die?
Elaine (Happily): Yeah.
George: And you really believe this guy doesn't want to have kids.
Elaine: Yeah, of course.
Jerry: Elaine, a guy'll say anything to get a woman.
Elaine: Oh, please. He wouldn't say that.
George: Elaine, I once told a woman that I coined the phrase, "Pardon my French."
Jerry: I once told a woman that I don't eat cake 'cause it goes right to my thighs.
George: I once told a woman that I really enjoy spending time with my family.
Newman: With your looks and my words, we'll have built the perfect beast. (Kramer claps him on the shoulder, then goes to the other side of the aisle to talk to Pam.)
Pam: Oh, hi! Kramer.
Newman (Whispers Through The Bookcase): Hi. How are you?
Kramer: Hi. How are you?
Pam: I'm great.
Newman: I too am well.
Kramer: I too am well.
Newman: Do I smell Pantene?
Kramer: Do I smell?
Newman: Pantene!
Kramer: Uh, Pantene.
Pam: Oh, my shampoo. Yeah, it is Pantene, I got a free sample in with my junk mail.
Kramer (Talks Rapidly In An Attempt To Keep Up With Newman): Well, there really is no junk-mail...well, everybody wants to get a check or a birthday card, but...
Newman (Frantic): ...it takes just as much man-power to deliver it as their precious little greeting cards...
Kramer: Newman! (Elbows him through the books. Newman falls over.)
Pam: What?
Kramer: Uh, human. It's...human to be moved by a fragrance.
Pam: That's so true.
Kramer: Her bouquet cleaved his hardened...
Newman: Shell.
Kramer: ...shell. And fondled his muscled heart. He embibed her glistening spell...just before the other shoe...fell.
Pam: Kramer, that is so lovely.
Kramer: It's by an unknown 20th-century poet.
Pam: Oh, what's his name?
Kramer: Newman. (On the other side of the bookcase, Newman preens proudly.)
Kevin: Elaine, you've changed my life.
Elaine: Oh, Kevin...you can go on and on about how you don't want kids...and it sounds, it sounds really nice, but...the truth is, I don't know if you mean it or not.
Kevin: I got a vasectomy this morning.
Elaine: Although, I have a hunch you mean it.
Jerry: I just came by to tell you - I'm really, really happy about this relationship. Really happy.
Pam: Oh. Well, that's um...(clears her throat)...nice. (Jerry looks suspicious. Pam turns around and Jerry notices her tortoise clip has been replaced with a velvet scrunchie.)
Jerry'S Brain: A velvet scrunchie!
Jerry: Kramer!
Jerry: Hello, Newman.
Newman: Hello, Jerry. How's Pam?
Jerry: Pam? What do you care? (Newman shrugs. Jerry notices he's carrying a Brentano's bookstore bag.)
Newman: Well, ta-ta! (Scampers away.)
Jerry: Wait a minute! (A manic chase scene ensues, with Jerry chasing Newman from one end of the building to the other. Jerry finally catches up with him in the hallway on another floor.)
Jerry: Alright, Newman! This is it! (Shoves him against the wall.)
Newman (Sweating): Easy, Jerry. Steady. You wouldn't want to lose your cool at a time like this.
Jerry: Why not?
Newman: Because right now, I'm the only chance you've got. (Newman giggles nervously. Jerry makes Newman flinch, and his giggling is choked off.)
Jerry (Rolls His Eyes): C'mon. (They exit.)
Jerry: I can't believe I'm losing Pam!
Newman: I know how you feel. For I, too, have a woman for whom I pine.
Jerry: I thought we were talking about me.
Newman: Right.
Jerry: Anyway, I don't need your help. (Turns to leave.)
Newman: Oh, don't you? Joke boy? You really think you can manipulate that beautiful young woman like the half-soused nightclub rabble that lap up your inane "observations"?
Jerry: Alright, Newman. What do I have to do to get you to stop pulling the strings for Kramer?
Newman: Well, there is a little something you can do for me...
Jerry: C'mon, out with it.
Newman: It's about...Elaine.
Jerry: Elaine? What does she have to - (notices Newman looking up at him longlingly.) Oh no...
Newman: You dated her. Give me some inside information. Anything I can use!
Jerry (Shrugs): Well, I know she doesn't want to have kids. (Newman considers the implications of this.)
Kevin: I thought you'd be a little more enthusiastic about it.
Elaine: I know, I don't want...(clears her throat)...kids.
Kevin: What was that?
Elaine: Well, Kevin, maybe I have a little doubt. I mean, nothing is a hundred percent.
Kevin: This is! Oh boy, I always do this.
Elaine: What?
Kevin: Oh, I get all jazzed up about something and I go way to far with it.
Elaine: Really?
Kevin: Oh, yeah. Like last summer. I'm watchin' TV and I saw one of those jet-skis. $4000 later and it's sitting in my garage.
Elaine: You know, that's weird, actually, 'cause I'm sort of the same way. I mean once for like, no reason, I flattened my hair and I had all these strands hanging in my face all the time...
Kevin: Sometimes I think I do want kids. Maybe a lot of kids!
Elaine: Sometimes I think about wearing my hair real short.
Kevin: Yeah! I think I like short hair. Really short.
Elaine: Yeah!
Kevin: Yeah!
George: This is a crude mock-up of the conference room. 1/14th scale.
Jerry: When did you build this thing?
George: Yesterday, took the day off. (Picks up a red Power Ranger action figure from the model and pretends it's him.) Now, from the time I left the room...
Jerry (Points At The Power Ranger): Wait, that's you?
George: Yeah.
Jerry (Picks Up A Yellow M&M Toy From The Model): I really think the M&M should be you.
George (Grabs The M&M Away From Jerry): Alright, whatever! Now. Whatever caused the damage...(drops a tiny briefcase onto the table in the model)...was jarring enough to completely stop the tape.
Jerry: And?
George: Okay. That's what we know.
Jerry: But we already knew that.
George: Well, yeah.
Jerry: Just give me some idea of what you think it could be.
George: I don't know if you're ready for it.
Jerry: Please.
George: I believe that I am about to become the target of a systematic process of intimidation and manipulation, the likes of which you have never -
Jerry: Hold it, hold it! You're right, I'm not ready for this. (The door buzzer sounds, Jerry answers it.) Yeah?
Voice On Speaker: It's Pam.
Jerry: C'mon up. (To George) Alright, it's Pam, you gotta get goin.'
George: I'm not through here, Jerry. (Picks up the model of the conference room.) I'm gonna keep on investigating. This thing is like an onion. The more layers you peel, the more it stinks. (Pam enters, George leaves.)
Pam: What was that?
Jerry: We were just playin.'
Pam: Listen, I had a long talk with Kramer today...
Jerry: Uh huh...
Pam: Well, the thing is, I uh...I think I have a little crush on him. (Kramer slides in the door on his knees.)
Kramer: I'm so happy! My world suddenly has meaning!
Jerry (To Pam): This is the man you have a crush on?
Pam: Well, I have feelings for both of you.
Kramer: How can you have feelings for him? We're soul mates.
Jerry: Why can't I be a soul mate?
Kramer: Jerry, you really think that Pam would want you to be the father of her children?
Pam: Children? Who said anything about children? I don't want to have children.
George: There are some people in this room who would have been very happy to never see this briefcase again. There are people in this room who think they can destroy other people's property and get away with it. Well, let me tell you something about those people. They weren't counting on this brain! And this tape recorder.
Wyck: George...
George: You'll have your turn! The truth must be heard. (Plays back the tape.) That's all there was. And yet, it speaks volumes. A low rumple. A metallic 'squink.' A 'glonk.' Someone crying out..."Dear God!" Let's start with, uh...with you, Wyck.
Wyck: George, Quinn here was moving a chair...he lost his balance and dropped it...it must have fallen on your briefcase, which, for some reason, contained a running tape recorder?
George: Alright, then. We've gotten to the bottom of that.
Elaine: What are you guys doing here?
Jerry: We're getting vasectomies.
Elaine: Why?
Newman (To Elaine): I'm doing it for you.
Elaine: What?
Jerry (To Elaine): What'd you do to your hair?
Elaine: I cut it.
Jerry: It's a little short.
Kevin: Y'think?
Jerry (To Kevin): What are you doing here?
Elaine: Kevin's having his vasectomy reversed.
Jerry And Newman: Reversed?! (Kramer comes hobbling out of the doctors office in pain, after having a vasectomy of his own, and exits. Jerry and Newman look at each other, and bolt for the door themselves.)
George: ...he embibed her glistening spell...just before the other shoe...fell.
Wyck: Is that a Keats poem?
George: No, it's a Newman. Well, I gotta run. (Smiles, pats his briefcase and exits.)
Wyck: Does anyone think George might have murdered Susan?
Mr. Cross: Oh, yeah. I just assumed he murdered her.
Ms. Baines: Of course he killed her.
Wyck: So it's not just me, then. Alright! Back to business.


Jerry: All right. How 'bout this one let's say you're abducted by aliens.
George: Fine.
Jerry: They haul you aboard the mother ship, take you back to their planet as a curiosity. Now would you rather be in their zoo, or their circus?
George: I gotta go zoo. I feel like I could set more of my own schedule.
Jerry: But in the circus you get to ride around in the train, see the whole planet!
George: I'm wearin' a little hat, I'm jumpin' through fire.. They're puttin' their little alien heads in my mouth..
Jerry: (resigned) At least it's show business..
George: But in the zoo, you know, they might, put a woman in there with me to uh.. you know, get me to mate.
Jerry: What if she's got no interest in you?
George: W-then I'm pretty much where I am now. At least I got to take a ride on a spaceship.
[Exterior Long Shot: looking up at an office building; Interior of office reception area of "Brand/Leland" as GEORGE, JERRY, and KRAMER come in. They calmly keep it quiet.]
Kramer: George, why couldn't I use the bathroom in that store?
George: Kramer, trust me, this is the best bathroom in midtown!
Kramer: (frustrated) Wha??
Jerry: (dry) He knows.
George: (Anyway,) on the left-exquisite marble! High ceilings. An' a flush, like a jet engine! (imitates sound) Ha ha!
Kramer: (impressed) Now, listen, uh. You better not wait. I'll catch you later.
George: You sure?
Jerry: (dry) He knows.
George: Wow. Nice.
Jerry: Why don't you try your engagement story?
George: (considers, but got into elevator) Won't work.
Jerry: Are you sure?
George: (wry) He knows.
Elaine: Look. Kevin. I really like you, heh, heh, uh. But, um, maybe we'd be, better off just being.. friends. (takes a bite of her sandwich)
Kevin: Friends?
Elaine: Well. I mean. (distracted by the food) Oh, god. This tuna tastes like an old sponge.
Kevin: Friends. Yeah! Why not friends? I might like to try that! Like you an' Jerry!
Man: (frustrated) Damn thing is jammed again..
Kramer: You know what happens with these? The rollers, they get flat spots on 'em. (hits button several times and whacks it)
Man: Come on, let's go.
Kramer: (absently wants to be part of it) Oh, yeah-yeah.. (follows them)
Elaine: (to JERRY) Remember I was telling you about Gillian, my friend who writes for the L.L. Bean catalogue? I really think you should give her a call.
Jerry: (doubtful) I don't know, do you have a-
Jerry: Not bad. Wuh-what does she-
Elaine: (dry) I put her stats on the back.
Jerry: Pretty impressive-"Serious boyfriend '92 to '95." Owns her own car.. "Favorite president James Polk!" (ELAINE had echoed "Uh-huh. Yup." during it)
George: Hnn! Let me see that.
Jerry: (hands it to him as he asks ELAINE) So how'd it go with Kevin? Did you, steel-toe his ass back to Kentucky?
Elaine: (laughs in appreciation) You are not gonna believe this! I told him that I just wanted to be friends. He's fine with it. He really wants to be friends.
Jerry: Why would anybody want a friend.
Elaine: (dread) Uh. It's really not that bad, actually. He said he'd even go with me to the Museum of Miniatures. This is something you would never ever do.
Jerry: I mean all that stuff is so small.. ((ELAINE is wryly assessing him)) stupid..
George: (still looking at that picture) You know if I told my engagement story to that receptionist, but told her this, was my fiance..
Jerry: What?
George: Don't you see. Women like that are like, members of a secret tribe living in a forbidden city. People like me have not been inside in thousands of years.. But with this, it's like I've already been with one of her own! My hands been stamped! I come and go as I please!
Elaine: (wry, not impressed) Well you cracked it! I warned the Queen you were gettin' close an', now it looks like we're gonna have to move the whole damn forbidden city. (chuckles with JERRY)
George: (getting up) Can I keep this?
Elaine: No, I need it.
George: (absently leaving with it) Thanks.
George: Hi. I'm ah, I'm here to see a Mr. Art Vandelay..
Amanda: I'm sorry sir, there is no Mr. Vandelay here..
George: (taking out wallet) Well, let me. Heh. Let me just eh.. check an', make sure I have the right man-ha! Heh, heh, heh! Seems-oh! I, oh! (has conveniently dropped the photo into her view)
Amanda: Oh! She's beautiful! Who is she?
George: (humble) Well, if you must know, shhhe, was my fiance, Susan. May she rest in peace.
Amanda: Oh, sorry.. She was lovely. I'm Amanda.
George: (shaking hands) I'm George.
Man #3: Good work today, K-man!
Man #3: Heh, heh!
Kramer: You want a drink? I'm buyin'.
Man #3: In that case, make mine a double!
Gillian: Jerry?
Jerry: Gillian. Hiii..
Gillian: Very nice to meet you.
Jerry: It's nice to meet you!
Jerry: She had man-hands.
Elaine: (pause) Man, Hands?
Jerry: The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek Mythology, I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast.
Elaine: (weary) (Look,) would you, prefer it, if she had, no hands at all?
Jerry: Would she have hooks?
Elaine: Do uh, do hooks make it more attractive, Jerry?
Jerry: Kinda cool lookin'..
Elaine: (getting up to go) Uh.. Listen, you're picking me up from my (place tomorrow)-
Jerry: (leaving too) Yeah. Yeah.
Elaine: Okay, I've got five, huge boxes of (buttons).
Jerry: Right. Well if you need an extra set of hands, I know who you can call-
Elaine: (weary) Jerry!
Jerry: Kramer?!
Kramer: Hey buddy! Hey!
Jerry: It-eight o'clock in the morning! What the hell is goin' on?!
Kramer: Breakfast. I gotta be in at Brand/Leland by nine.
Jerry: Why??
Kramer: Because I'm workin' there, that's why.
Jerry: (disoriented) How long have I been asleep? What-what year is this?
Kramer: Jerry. I don't know if you've noticed, but lately, I've been drifting, aimlessly?
Jerry: (snaps fingers) Now that you mention it.
Kramer: But I finally realized what's missing, in my life. Structure. An' at Brand/Leland, I'm gettin' things done. An' I love the people I'm workin' with.
Jerry: How much are they payin' you?
Kramer: Oh, no, no, no-no-I don't want any pay. I'm doin' this just for me.
Jerry: Really. So uh, what do you do down there all day?
Kramer: T.C.B. You know, takin' care o' business. Aa-I gotta go.
Jerry: All right.
Kramer: (leaving) I'll see you tonight, huh? (turning back, grabs his briefcase) Forget my briefcase.
Jerry: W-w-wha' you got in there?
Kramer: (as he leaves with it) Crackers.
(Music (Sheena Easton'S "Morning Train (Nine To Five)") Accompanies Assorted Shots Of Working-Man Kramer: Getting on the subway (everyone else is going the opposite direction). Washing his shoes at the water cooler. Eating rolls of crackers out of his briefcase. Laughing it up after hours with co-workers at a TGIF-type restaurant.)
Jerry: So the picture worked. Amazing!
George: Hey, she wants me to dress uh "smart casual." What uh, what is that?
Jerry: I don't know, but you don't have it.
George: Right. Bye.
Elaine: Where were you today?
Jerry: What?
Elaine: Pick. Up.
Jerry: (whispers) Damn.
Elaine: So? Where were you?!
Jerry: Uh, here I guess, an' uh, uh I went out and picked up a paper.
Elaine: (irritated, throwing down her bag) I had to ask Kevin, to leave his office an' come an' pick me up!
Jerry: So? What are friends for?
Elaine: Yeah! An' he is a friend, Jerry. He is reliable. He is considerate. He's like your, exact opposite.
Jerry: So he's Bizarro Jerry!
Elaine: (pause) Bizarro Jerry?
Jerry: Yeah. Like Bizarro Superman. Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards bizarro world. Up is Down. Down is Up. He says "Hello" when he leaves, "Good bye" when he arrives.
Elaine: (pause) Shouldn't he say "Bad bye"? Isn't that the, opposite of "Good bye"?
Jerry: No. It's still a goodbye.
Elaine: Uh. Does he live underwater?
Jerry: No.
Elaine: Is he black..
Jerry: Look. Just, forget it, (already). All right?
Kramer: Wow. Man. What a day. Could I use a drink. (starts getting a drink and ice)
Jerry: Tough day at the office?
Kramer: Just comin' in, an' that phone just wouldn't stop.
Jerry: Well, we better get goin' if we're gonna go to that uh, seven o'clock cold fusion.
Kramer: Yeah. Well, count me out. I'm swimmin'. Old man Leland is bustin' my hump over these reports. If I don't get 'em done by nine, I'm toast.. ((takes a swig and reacts))
George: This is a fantastic place! I always thought it was a meat packing plant!
Model #1: Hey! Amanda!
Amanda: These are my friends. Anabelle, Justina, and Nikki. We used to model together.
George: Oh! Modelling! What's that like? Fun? Ha ha. (to self in head) Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Amanda: So Nikki, uh, how was Paris this time?
Model #2: (petulant) A bore.
George: You know, I used to love Paris. My uh, dead Fiance, Susan.. (opening wallet) In fact I. think I, I may have a picture of her..
Model #3: (awed) Wow.. She was beautiful.. Do you wanna dance?
Gillian: Would you like some bread, Jerry?
Jerry: No.. No thanks, I'm, just not hungry.
Gillian: Well, then at least drink your beer.. (she's opening the bottle-brief closeup on hands)
Jerry: (to self) Oh. Twist off..
Gillian: You have a little something on your face.
Jerry: I can get it. (feeling his face)
Gillian: Eh, no-no, No-no.. You're missing it, it's higher. (reaches over)
Gillian: (friendly) It's an eyelash. Make a wish.
Jerry: I don't want to.
Gillian: Make a wish.
Jerry: Okay. (closes eyes, blows on her finger, opens eyes, says to self) Didn't come true.
Gillian: (smiles at him) Don't you just love lobster?
Kevin: That Museum of Miniatures was amazing.
Elaine: I know, he's so tiny!
Kevin: Yeah! Hey-hey guys! Elaine, sit down. These are a couple o' my friends. Uh, this is Gene. And this guy, we.. just call "Feldman!"
Elaine: (to self in head) Bizarro world..
George: (delighted) Jerry? It was incredible! Models! As far as the eye could see!
Jerry: Then it does exist.
George: Yes. The legends are true.
Jerry: So when are you goin' out with this girl again?
George: I'm not! I'm inside the walls!
Jerry: So you're gonna burn that bridge.
George: Flame on!
Gene: (about the check) I got it.
Kevin: (grabs it) No. You got it last time.
Gene: (calmly takes it) Don't worry about it.
Elaine: (to self in head) This is unbelievable..
Feldman: Hey Elaine, what do you think of an alarm clock, that automatically tells you the weather when you wake up?
Elaine: Well, I gotta say that I think that that is a fantastic idea, Feldman!
Feldman: Nah, it's not-it's just not practical.
Kevin: (getting up) Well. See ya later, Elaine. Feldman an' I 'a' gotta get down 'o the library. (the three guys are leaving)
Elaine: What are you gonna do down there?
Kevin: Read!
Elaine: (pause, then vaguely waves while watching them leave) Hello?
Jerry: So, uh. Gillian's comin' over later. I think I'm gonna end it.
Kramer: Uh-huh.
Jerry: Those meaty paws, I feel like I'm dating George the Animal, (steer).
Kramer: Yeah..
Jerry: Maybe I'll chain her to the refrigerator an' sell tickets.
Kramer: That's nice..
Jerry: Kramer, put the paper down! You never listen to me anymore! We hardly even talk!
Kramer: Well, we're, talkin' now, aren't we?-
Jerry: I sit here for twenty lousy minutes in the morning-
Kramer: Oh here we go-
Jerry: An' then when you come home at night, you're always exhausted-we never do anything anymore!
Kramer: What are you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time o' year?!
Jerry: (pause) It's your third day..
Kramer: (grabs briefcase to leave) I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later. (leaves)
Jerry: Well. (calling down the hall) Call if you're gonna be late!
Elaine: What? What is goin' on with you two?
Jerry: Oh, I don't wanna talk about it..
Elaine: All right, listen. Have you seen my addre- (sees address book on counter) -ah! There it is. Okay. I got it. I'll see you later. (leaving)
Jerry: Hey! Wait! Wait! Wait a second! Where you goin'? I-I hardly ever see you anymore.
Elaine: (stops, pause) Well, I. (a little ashamed) I guess I been at Reggie's..
Jerry: The Bizarro coffeeshop?
Elaine: Kevin and his friends are nice people! They do good things. They read..
Jerry: I read.
Elaine: Books, Jerry.
Jerry: (pause) Oh. Big deal..
Elaine: Well! I can't spend the rest of my life coming into this stinking apartment every ten minutes to pore over the, excruciating minutia, of every, single, daily event..
Jerry: (What's goin' on,) like yesterday, I go to the bank to make a deposit, an' the teller gives me this look, like-
Elaine: I'll see you later man. I gotta go.
Jerry: (frustrated, to self) The whole system is breakin' down!
George: Hello? Amanda. Hi, yes. Listen. You know, I'm thinkin', we might just be better of bein' friends. Yeah. Yeah, you know what, I can't even really talk about it right now. Bye-bye. (hangs up) (happy with himself, but then sees the burned up photo) No! No!
Gillian: Friends. Just friends.
Jerry: Yeah.
Gillian: Yeah. All right. Well, do you still want to see a movie later?
Jerry: I wish I could, but, we're friends..
Gillian: I'm just gonna go, wash my hands.
Jerry: Good idea. (phone's ringing, goes to it) (muttering) There's a beach towel on the rack.. (to phone) Yeah.
George: (frantic) Jerry! Jerry, muh-muh-my hair-dryer ruined the picture! An' I need another one or I can't get back into the forbidden city!
Jerry: (to drive him crazy) Who is this..
George: Jerry! I need you to get another picture of man-hands. I'm beggin' you!
Jerry: (pause) If I get it for you, will you take me to that club an' show me a good time?
George: Yes! Yes, all right-anything!
Jerry: Got it. (but now a man-hand grabs his arm) Uh!
Kramer: Jerry. Hey Jerry?
Jerry: I'm right here. (note he has an athletic bandage on his right hand) You're late.
Kramer: Yeah, well, I got held up, you know. What happened to your hand?
Jerry: Like you care.
Kramer: The work piled up, I lost track of time-
Jerry: (calmly getting up with plate of chicken) Oh! Sure! Sure! You an' your work! Elaine's off in the Bizarro World, George only calls when he wants something, an' I'm left sitting here like this plate of cold chicken, which, by the way, (drops chicken into sink) was, for two.
Kramer: You cooked?
Jerry: (calm) I ordered in. It's still effort.
Kramer: (in pain) Ow! Jeez!
Jerry: What's wrong?
Kramer: (Ow!) It's my stomach.
Jerry: You're probably gettin' an ulcer. This job is killing you! It's killing Us.
Kramer: (putting briefcase down) You know what? You're right. These reports, they can wait a couple of hours. Whadda say we go out tonight? Any place you want.
Jerry: The coffeeshop?
Kramer: You got it, buddy.
Jerry: (pleased) I'll call George!
Jerry: Hey. Isn't that Elaine?
George: (quiet, desperate) Maybe she can get me another picture of man-hands. (calling) Elaine!
Jerry: Elaine!
Kramer: Elaine!
All Three: Elaine! Elaine!
(Elaine Finally Notices Them, But Suddenly From The Other Direction, Three Other Guys Are Coming: GENE, KEVIN, and FELDMAN.)
Kevin: Hey! Elaine! Hi-i! Over here!
Elaine: Jerry.. George, Kramer.. This is Kevin, Gene.. and Feldman.
Jerry: (quietly crept out) This is really weird..
Elaine: (diplomatically to KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN) Could you guys excuse us, just for a moment.
Kevin: Sure. (strolls away with his friends)
Elaine: (pause) Thanks. (to JERRY, GEORGE, and KRAMER) What.. what do you guys want..
George: Elaine, I got to have another picture of Gillian.
Jerry: I tried to get him one but Man-Hands almost ripped my arm out of the socket!
Kevin: (Here ya are.)
Elaine: (pause, turns back to JERRY et al.) Guys. I gotta go. Take it easy.
George: Elaine? (she turns, sighing) Can I come?
Elaine: I'm, I'm sorry.. We've already got a George..
Kramer: What did you want to see me about, Mr. Leland?
Leland: Kramer, I've.. been reviewing your work.. Quite frankly, it stinks.
Kramer: Well, I ah.. been havin' trouble at home and uh.. I mean, ah, you know, I'll work harder, nights, weekends, whatever it takes..
Leland: No, no, I don't think that's going to, do it, uh. These reports you handed in. It's almost as if you have no business training at all.. I don't know what this is supposed to be!
Kramer: Well, I'm uh, just-tryin' to get ahead..
Leland: Well, I'm sorry. There's just no way that we could keep you on.
Kramer: I don't even really work here!
Leland: That's what makes this so difficult.
George: Hi. George.
Model #4: Are you sure you're supposed to be here?
George: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I used to come here all the time with my fiance, back when it was a meat-packing plant. Ha. Here's her picture. (hands her a magazine page)
Model #4: What'd you do? Cut this out of a magazine or something?
George: Huh?
Model #4: That's me? It's from a Clinique ad I did..
George: Ha! Heh.
Bouncer: Let's go. Private party. (escorts him out)
Kevin: Who is it?
Elaine: (off-camera) It's Lainey!
Kevin: (unlocks, opens door) Hi Elaine! (warmly hugs her)
Elaine: Hi (?). Oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh!
Kevin: Come on in!
Elaine: Okay. Hi Gene! (comfortably tosses her bag to the left, it falls on the floor) Uh-ha! (smiling, picks up her bag, puts it on a chair that's to the right)
Elaine: What's up?
Kevin: (friendly) Just reading..
(Elaine Decides To Make Herself At Home, Opens The Refrigerator And Starts Eating Olives Out Of A Jar, With Her Fingers. In The Living Room Area, Kevin Is Looking At Her. Note: a statue of Bizarro Superman on a stereo speaker.)
Kevin: Hey.. What're you doing?
Elaine: Eatin' olives.
Kevin: Have you ever heard of asking? (door bell rings) Who is it?
Feldman: (off-screen) Feldman.. From across the hall.
Kevin: (drops his suspicion and smiles, goes to door) Hold on. (unlocks and opens door) Hey.
Feldman: He-ey, Kevin!
Kevin: Hi.
Feldman: Look who I ran into.
Vargus: (testy) Hello, Kevin..
Kevin: (testy) Hello, Vargus..
Kevin: Ya wanna catch a ballgame this weekend?
Vargus: Great! I'll see ya later! (leaves)
Kevin: Okay. (to self, smiling) Vargus.. (to FELDMAN) So?
Feldman: I got 'em..
Kevin: All right! Hey, Elaine, Feldman was able to get us all tickets to the Bolshoi!
Elaine: Oh! (comes to him)
Kevin: (enthused) Fourth row, center.
Elaine: Get out! (pushes him back, but he falls back on the floor!)
Gene: (to ELAINE) What is the matter with you?
Elaine: Oh, Kevin! I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?
Gene: Haven't you done enough already?
Elaine: (turning to them, awkward) It's locked..
Jerry: So this is it, huh?
George: But it-eh.. It was here, I'm tellin' you, an' w-w-it was really here! The, there was, a, bar, and a, an' a dance floor..
Jerry: (dry) I guess the DJ booth was over there behind the bone saw? (really disappointed) Let's get out of here George.
Gene: At work today, I discovered there's a payphone in the lobby that has free long distance.
Kevin: Oh, so what did you do?
Gene: I called the phone company an' immediately reported the error.
Kevin: Nice. (doorbell rings) Who is it?
Feldman: (off-screen) Feldman.. From across the hall.
Kevin: (smiles, relieved) Hold on.
Feldman: Kevin! Brought some groceries.
Kevin: Again?! Feldman, you didn't have to do that!
Feldman: Hey, what are friends for?
Kevin: You know, I may not say this enough but you two are about the best friends a guy could have.
Kevin: (eyes closed in hug) Oh. Me so happy. Me want to cry.